The Chrysalis Discussions.
This page presents fictional conversations between characters discussing Autism. In this format I am presenting everything I know about Autism, but in a (Aspie's lecturing at each other) conversational style.
This will be ongoing with many episodes to come. Stay tuned.
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Coco:
I came across your website as I was doing a search for information about Irlen lenses.
I have an 8-year-old son who is completely non-verbal, but has receptive language.
We home-school him using a variety of interventions, primarily RDI, (Relationship Development Intervention) which has been wonderful, various Occupational Therapy and Sensory Therapies, vitamin supplements, diet, etc.
He is a tremendous gift to our lives. He is funny, sweet, and really smart and talented. He has been making great progress over the years.
However, I understand completely the sensory and motor struggles he faces on a regular basis, and so we are constantly trying to find new ways to help him by lowering the sensory burdens and the overall stress on his systems.
He appears to be color-blind, since he can match all kinds of things, but not colors. I have known for a while he has some visual processing problems. Unfortunately, aside from Melvin Kaplan’s book [Behavior Through a Lens by Melvin Kaplan OD] and a few others, there really is not much out there by way of visual processing therapy.
He has some really challenging issues with motor-planning. His body just does not seem to get the message from his brain. It has been improving on a gross motor level, but it is really slow-going on a fine motor level. I am wondering if you have any insight into that issue.
We just managed to toilet-train him this past summer (urine only) but have yet to master bowel movements. It all goes back to motor planning.
Chryssie:
It sounds like you are doing everything right so far.
RDI and Occupational and Sensory Therapies are helpful, but they do not alleviate the sensory problems, they just help the child deal with them. They can be alleviated, thus eliminating the need for these therapies, with the GF/CF Diet, Irlen Lenses, and AIT (not to say those therapies should not be continued).
I have not yet read Melvin Kaplan's book, but I read an interview with him [Google Vision Therapy for ASD. Interview with Melvin Kaplan, O.D.] wherein he suggested toe-walking may be caused by a visual processing disorder; the floor appears to slope downward sharply, thus they naturally place their feet in that position. Then since their physical senses are so inaccurate (Dyspraxia), they may not readily feel thet their feet are in the wrong position.
My depth-perception was horrible, thus I could not walk in a straight line. The Irlens alleviated the symptoms of my processing disorder, thus the ground now looks flat, and a foot closer.
As for Dyspraxia or Apraxia [Dyspraxia is the partial loss of the ability to co-ordinate and perform purposeful movements and gestures with normal accuracy. Apraxia is the complete loss of this ability.]; the hypo-sensitivity prevents the Autistic child from clearly feeling the need to go, thus resulting in difficult toilet-training. [See my Autism Lecture #14 titled Seven Senses wherein I address this further.]
I agree with you thet it all goes back to motor-planning, but it also suggests plain old numbness; he may simply not feel his body accurately.
I definitely have Speech Dyspraxia. I am an excellent writer, but a horrible speaker. Many people cannot understand what I say. I talk like I have just chewed ice.
It is partly due to my superior vocabulary (They say, “You speak a different language than the rest of us.”), but also due to the fact I do not pronounce that vocabulary clearly. The reason I could not do the voice acting for my claymation movie is because I cannot articulate and inflect at the same time. It took me 6 hours and 50 minutes to record 10 minutes of usable dialog!
Then, since the Normals cannot understand verbal language, even when I try to over-articulate my every word, I still have the wrong tone and inflection, so it does not make sense to them even if they do understand the words.
I thus live on my web-site, or have conversations like this 1, which have been written-out in advance and re-written several times before I publish it.
Coco:
As for the Dyspraxia; you basically reaffirmed what I have suspected all along – my boy is completely hypo and under-reactive to most things, and I think his body feels like it has been shot through with Novocain. He is very numb. We do a lot of Occupational Therapy and Sensory Motor stuff, and we have done a lot of massage (he likes touch), and also have used the Masgutova Nuero-Reflex Integration Program (See http://masgutovamethod.com), which has been really helpful.
Un-integrated primitive infant reflexes can really mess up motor-planning. My boy could not run, grip, nor do other things like that until we integrated some of those reflexes. Unfortunately that program has not done much for the numbness, and I am hoping thet over time and with practice he will start noticing and recognizing the urge to have a bowel-movement when it comes.
Chryssie:
My only previous reference-point for things associated with the Musgutova Method was a documentary I saw about a teenage boy who was very much like Josephine from the movie A Day In the Death of Joe Egg (a “no-one-home Retard”).
People started recommending euthanasia, so a team of 4 decided to pretend he was a newborn infant and program him with all the instinctive phases he should have gone through if he had been normal. They spent 8 hours a day for months just making him right his head. Then they spent months making him roll over properly. Then they made him go through crawling movements for months, etc.
Eventually he learned to walk on his own. Today he is still severely Retarded but can go to the bathroom by himself and even play piano.
The main thing I learned from this is thet it is never too late to start. At the age of 17 they started teaching him what he would have gone through if he had just been born, and it worked.
Compare this story to Genie from the movie Mockingbird Don’t Sing, wherein it was hypothesized thet if one does not learn language before puberty they never will.
In my case it is my delayed reaction to stimuli thet seems retarded. Apparently a product of Sensory Processing Disorders, I do not pick up the social cues, recognize subtle facial expressions, etc. But I also go completely numb if exposed to severe pain, lose my visual processing ability when tired, and am never quite in my own body, etc.
This results in the typically Aspergian Flat Effect, wherein my reactions to anything are relatively vague or subdued (the Daria Morgendorffer/Maud Pie type).
Meanwhile I would have an outright meltdown if sensorily over-stimulated by things normal people do not notice.
For me, Casein was the poison which made me numb, spacey, Retarded, and out-of body. Once I got the milk products out of my system, I woke up. I cannot stress enough how important the GF/CF Diet is for Autistics (if they have Intestinal Autism).
Though the Masgutova Nuero-Reflex Integration Program (MNRI) does sound valuable, I think this ABA type of therapy is relatively useless if done before GF/CF, Irlen Lenses, and AIT have been given the chance to do their thing first.
That having been said, I would still like to hear your story about what improvements MNRI did make.
Coco:
First, MNRI is not related to ABA in any way. For the record, I am definitely not a fan of ABA. Behavioralists do not understand Autism at all. All they do is address the visible behaviors they can observe, and then try to get rid of the ones that "look strange", while teaching kids "skills" that seem age-appropriate even if they are not developmentally appropriate. ABA is actually a kind of torture, and I cannot believe it is even allowed. It is just terrible and it stresses kids out and makes them miserable.
MNRI, however, is not an educational treatment program at all – it is strictly a physical therapeutic approach.
As you know, a lot of people with Autism have problems with praxis. In fact, all kinds of people can have problems with praxis: people who have had strokes, people who have had accidents that resulted in neurological damage, people with Cerebral Palsy and other disorders, etc.
But the ability to motor-plan well requires perquisites, and one of those is integrated reflexes.
All of us are born with infant reflexes, and those reflexes really prime our brains for later movement; those reflexes create the foundation for future motor movement, and they need to develop and then move into the background of our brain’s processing. If those reflexes are retained (i.e., they do not get sent to the “background” when they should), they can affect motor movement and planning. MNRI is basically a program that uses specific massage-type techniques and exercises to help people train their reflexes to work properly.
They should be operating quietly in the background. If something disrupts them – a brain injury, a neurological disorder, a stroke, or something else – then all the other higher levels of motor movement will be affected. Movement becomes less efficient, it requires more processing power and energy, leaving little energy left for other things, stress is created in the body, etc. So, it is a really good idea to have those reflexes assessed and then to do exercises to inhibit them if necessary.
When we had my son assessed, we learned that all but a few of his reflexes were completely messed up - they were either missing altogether or pathological. So we spent 18 months re-patterning the earliest, most primitive reflexes in his body, and it made a big difference.
At the end of those months, he was finally able to use his hands to grip with some strength, his balance improved tremendously, and he also learned to run properly (alternating legs, rather than the strange gallop he had before). So now I am trying to arrange a follow-up evaluation and treatment program so we can start working on the next level of reflexes (the post-utero postural reflexes).
Meanwhile, RDI training focuses on vision and motor movement, and I would love your insight on it. I just wanted to make sure you knew it had nothing to do with ABA.
Chryssie:
ABA programs the kid how to act normal, but does nothing to address why the kid was behaving abnormally in the first place.
Autism is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders (SPDs). Thus, eliminating, or at least alleviating, the processing disorders should be the main focus. ABA trying to make the kid act normal while their SPDs are still freaking them out is just wrong.
Irlen Lenses alleviate the Visual Processing Disorder, which in my case was the cause of my petrifying anxiety and daily rage-attacks. And AIT alleviates the Audio Processing Disorders, which in my case kept me emotionally wound up all the time.
Now I am so calm and relatively indifferent to over-stimulation, I no longer behave abnormally, thus the ABA type of training is not something I even need to acknowledge.
I (and probably most Autistics) know how to act normal, we just cannot do so while in such a state of over-stimulation, thus I agree with you thet ABA is basically torture.
Coco:
ABA is all about creating the appearance of normalcy. Behaviorists do not give a damn about what is actually going on inside these kids; that would be too much work. At my son’s old school, they still use aversive procedures to “teach” kids how to “behave” “appropriately”. I know of 10 year olds who were put in ice-cold showers as a “treatment procedure” for engaging in “stereotypic behavior"; i.e., Stimming.
I know of kids who would work hard all day to earn a reward only to lose it at the last minute for a tiny little stim. I know of another family whose son was “papoosed”, or to be more accurate, straight-jacketed for stimmy behavior. My own son was subjected to a loud sound (hair clippers) held close to his ears while he was blindfolded.
I yanked my boy out of that place, and I would have seen it closed down if it was within my power.
The sad thing is the “professionals” working there mean well, and they honestly think they are helping these kids! It is so sad and so sick – it just makes me crazy to think about it. I do not understand why the parents do not get it; it is like they are brainwashed.
Perhaps people who were abused as children themselves are drawn to these types of jobs. It is possible. However, I have known a lot of ABA practitioners, and in my opinion most of them are on a power-trip and are very controlling. Behavioralists are considered “The bullies of the Psychiatric field”, and I think the label fits. The ABA people around here are all about furthering their own careers (getting published, speaking at conferences, etc) so they can charge parents and school districts ridiculous amounts of money for their “services.” It is rarely about helping the kids. It is very sad, because most parents are so desperate, they fall for it.
With regard to MNRI, keep in mind thet the Masgutova program is just one of several approaches to reflex integration. There are a lot of people who are starting to delve into this area, and I think we will be seeing more and more about it in the future.
There are also a lot of videos on YouTube that get into various reflexes, and the exercises you can do to inhibit them.
One of the reflexes is the head-righting reflex. I noticed very early on that my son did not have this, and it was one of the first indications that he may have Autism. He also had a very rapid increase in head circumference between 3 and 14 months (another warning sign). Of course, I started seeing these red flags when he was just a few months old, but everyone thought I was crazy. We were not able to get him diagnosed until 18 months. I wish “professionals” would listen more carefully to the parents.
Most people, regardless of whether they have a neurological disorder, have some retained reflexes – it is very common. It becomes a problem, however, when many of them are involved, when they are pathological, or when they are severely retained.
Chryssie:
As for MNRI: This idea thet some people never out-grow the instincts they have as a baby is something thet had not occurred to me.
In someone with neurological damage, they may not be able to get past 1 level of instinctual learning, thus they will not be able to use that as a foundation on which to build the next step. I understand this hypothesis.
I really want to get myself tested for this, for I am not aware I have anything preventing me from learning new things. But I understand thet a person could get stuck in 1 early step and thus not be able to see what the next step should even be. I wonder if I have some of that lingering.
I can see, or at least imagine, thet drumming may be useful as part of MNRI Therapy, for it is not instinctive for babies to co-ordinate all 4 limbs in that pattern-recognition sort of way.
Your son not being able to properly grasp nor run demonstrates how much he needed MNRI. Now thet the MNRI has "re-structured" (I am not sure if that is the correct word) his co-ordination, drumming may be very good for him as a next step in therapy, polishing his chops, not just as a drummer but for overall co-ordination; learning to think in 4 directions at the same time. I desperately needed that, for I was very awkward when not behind a drum set.
I really want to talk to Stephen Shore about this and get his insights on the subject. He is probably someone who understands very well the things thet can get in the way of an Autistic brain learning music.
I think the reason I could be such a good drummer was because both me and the drums were sitting still, thus I could muscle-train myself to make the right movements. I was utterly useless at most sports, specifically any sort of ball-game, for both me and the ball were moving and I simply could not keep track of both at the same time. Until I got my Irlens I could still not even walk in a straight line. But sitting still at a drum set, I had excellent chops. It was mainly a Visual Processing problem for me.
GF/CF helped me find my own body, and Irlens helped me find the ground. I still cannot find the ball, but at least I can walk now without people assuming I am drunk.
Coco:
We tried the GF/CF Diet for a year, and adhered to it very strictly. Unfortunately, I did not see any positive changes (physical or otherwise) as a result of the diet. When he returned to “normal” food, he actually improved.
Though I have seen the diet work literal miracles in other people – unfortunately, it just did not work that way for my guy.
Other things have worked though. We do a lot of supplementation: B vitamins, amino acids like Carnitine and NAC, cod liver oil, vitamin D, good multi-vitamins, and especially Probiotics.
Chryssie:
There are 2 types of Autism: Intestinal and Neurological. If your kid was born Autistic they have Neurological Autism. This means they first of all need Irlen lenses and AIT.
If your kid was born normal, and then had their intestines fried by vaccines and anti-biotics, they have Intestinal Autism, thus they first of all need the GF/CF Diet and Probiotics.
Though I still think it is healthy for all people to stop eating Gluten and Casein, that diet may have no effect on the Neurological aspects of Autism because there is not necessarily anything wrong with their guts. Whereas the vaccine-damaged kids cannot tolerate Gluten nor Casein, and never will.
For me, at least 1/3 of my symptoms were of intestinal origin. It is thus absolutely mandatory thet I remain on this life-changing diet permanently.
It is also mandatory thet I leave on my Irlen lenses for the rest of my life, for the Visual Processing Disorder is neurological, and thus has nothing to do with the intestinal damage; it is a brain malformity I was born with - Synesthesia.
Also, for me B6, K2, D3, Glutathion, and Selenium were very helpful. And all Autistics have a chronic Magnesium deficiency. And Probiotics are essential for all people; I feel they were tremendously helpful in healing my intestines.
Coco:
I think you are absolutely correct about the 2 types of Autism. In my case, my boy clearly had it from birth. However, I know other families who had completely normally developing children that regressed horribly after some assault to the immune system. In many cases, it was definitely vaccines. But, in some cases, regression occurred after a bad illness.
I am starting to speculate that the cases of normal development that later regress are due to some inborn genetic vulnerability that is then triggered by an environmental exposure. In our case, even though my guy has more of a genetic type of Autism, I am still really careful about environmental exposures because I think they can make it worse. So we supplement, supplement, supplement (taking a lot of the same things you are taking: Probiotics, lots of B vitamins, several amino acids, magnesium, zinc, etc.). We have not tried Selenium (I will have to look into that one), and we do not do Glutathione, but we do use a lot of the precursors to it. I think it has been very helpful. We also try to eat food that is organic and unprocessed. It is easy for my husband and I, but a little tougher to get the kid to eat certain foods because he is unfortunately very food-selective (I think it is a texture thing).
I want to ask you about the drums. My little guy loves to pound on drums. We have a lot of smaller percussion instruments like bongos, tambourines, and that sort of thing. He is drawn to those drums. He is fascinated by them.
Did you take lessons to learn how to play? Did you just buy drums and figure them out yourself? I think my son would love to play, but I do not know how to get this started. Should I look for a teacher and then try to adapt the lessons so he can understand?
I can see why you enjoy playing the drums – they provide awesome proprioceptive and auditory feedback, and they are kind of a workout too.
Chryssie:
Drums worked for me because they accommodated my fascination with parts of things, and my need for obsessive pattern recognition. It is also Aut-erobics; i.e., fun stimming, as opposed to panicky stimming. I also found it tremendously satisfying to be a composer, inventing new beats, feeling a sense of accomplishment through continually polishing my chops, etc.
Anyway; your son being non-verbal, I assume he thinks almost entirely in pictures, thus he should be very good at learning by watching someone else.
There are dozens of web-sites thet offer drum lessons on video: Drumeo.com, DrumChannel.com, Drummerworld.com, Drumlessons.com, Maximum Meytal, etc.
I would really love the experience of learning how to teach a non-verbal Autistic how to play drums.
Like I said, I assume he could learn by simply watching someone else play. But because he is so hypo-sensitive, he might need to sit on my lap with the drumsticks in his hands, but me taking his hands in mine, and me playing the drums through him. Google Stephen Shore Autistic music teacher.
I think the teacher should understand how to teach Autistics first, and how to teach drumming second.
Coco:
I am really starting to wonder if people on The Spectrum are actually more empathetic than others in some ways, but perhaps just do not always know how to show it, at least not in ways normal people can perceive.
Chryssie:
I believe I am much more empathetic than normal people because of my Autism. I have always had to analyze everything as an anthropologist in order to understand what was going on. My Derpy Hooves article is an excellent example of that, wherein I dissect everyone and analyze them down to the micron, and have always had to do that in order to “get it” socially. I have become very good at it.
Also, I am not influenced much by other peoples’ emotional state, it has little effect on me, thus I can remain emotionally detached while analyzing them like lab rats.
Though that may seem heartless, it actually is not, for once I come to understand them that way, I can emotionally empathize with them better than most people can.
So I agree with you thet Autistics may be better at empathizing than normal people are, they just go about it in a drastically different way.
For me, I have to write it out, and then in the course of re-writing it several times I begin to understand.
Coco:
I know my son is highly in tune with the emotional tone of the people around him. He is extremely sensitive to other people, but since he does not talk, it is hard for people who do not know him to perceive this about him. Most people are too busy talking too much and going about their own business to really slow down and observe my kid at a more subtle level. And that is too bad, because that is where a lot of his communication occurs!
Oddly enough, my little guy does not think in pictures. In fact, I would say he is almost functionally blind in some ways, even though, according to the optometrist, his eye-sight is normal. I think he may have turned off his processor some time ago because vision was just too much sensory input. He will not watch videos nor play computer games (no great loss there). He also cannot do puzzles or shape-sorters, and really struggles with things that require vision and eye/hand coordination. He has deficits in fixation, scanning, tracking, saccades (the rapid movement of the eyes between 2 fixed points), and visual memory – hence the appointments with the developmental optometrist and vision therapy. I am hoping we can turn on the visual processing centers of his brain and start getting all of his senses to work better together. He is kind of a kinesthetic learner – always in motion. He is also very tactile and oral – always fingering things in his hands and putting them in his mouth. I guess if you turn off your eyes, you have to make sense of your physical environment in other ways, such as by moving, touching, and tasting.
So, in his case, I think he would definitely learn better by sitting on someone’s lap and having someone help his body physically go through the movements.
Too bad you live on the other side of the country. It sounds like you would be a good drum teacher. I think I am going to start asking around. We live in a fairly artsy creative community; I am hoping I can find someone locally with some patience and sensitivity.
Chryssie:
Your son being the Aut-erobics type of learner, I can picture him sitting at a drum set with his eyes closed, just muscle-training.
When I played, I always had my glasses off, and often had my eyes closed, because I would get visually overwhelmed just watching my own hands moving. “Saccades” is the word you used.
I also smelled everything rather than looked at it, for I have never trusted my visual processor.
I cannot stress enough how important Irlen lenses are. In my case, I was receiving Ultra-violet light my processor could not handle, thus my wincing processor blocked out the Ultra-violet, but in the process blocked out the other colors too, leaving me to see in pastel. I wonder if that is what is going on with your son. Is his processor just being lazy?, does he have Strabismus or Amblyopia?; or is it the opposite, like in my case, wherein his processor is hyper-active and thus overwhelmed? If this is the case, the Irlens will filter out the colors his processor cannot handle, thus allowing it to relax enough to accurately process the remaining colors.
Before I got my Irlens, I processed about ¼ of what a normal person sees, thus explaining why I had to smell everything. With the lenses filtering out the Ultra-violet thus allowing my processor to stop wincing, I now process probably ½ of what a normal person sees. A tremendous improvement; and I no longer have to obsessively smell everything to give me that second sensory reference-point.
It also occurs to me thet he might be helped a lot with massage, chiropractic, rolfing, acupuncture, Reiki, etc.
I absolutely adore hot springs, the physical stimulation of being practically boiled alive feels so good to me. I love the skin stimulation of hot water, but not touch from another person.
Coco:
You are spot-on with your recommendations for massage, etc. Part of our MNRI program involves deep-massage, and my little guy loves it. He also loves the pool at the YMCA – it is warm, and he completely luxuriates in water.
Chryssie:
I also take vinegar baths. You put ½ gallon of brown apple cider vinegar in a bath, as hot as you can stand, and it leeches the pesticides out of your skin. If you live on planet Earth, you have pesticides on your skin.
It is another form of detox. Plus it is very physically stimulating.
Also, him wanting to taste everything reminds me of me wanting to smell everything. Give him a smorgasbord of taste sensations and really give his taste processor a work-out. If that is 1 of his most accurate senses, cultivate it. He could become a Master Chef!
Coco:
I am really glad you were able to alleviate a lot of your sensory processing problems. It gives me great hope for my guy. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to feel so uncomfortable in your own skin all the time and to feel assaulted by everything coming at you in the environment. It must be exhausting. No wonder Autistics either rage or just shut down. It is good that you have been able to discover things like supplementation, Irlens, AIT, and diet (and drumming) over time that have helped you to calm your nervous system.
The way you described drumming is the way I feel about exercise. I try to keep my boy moving, moving, moving as much as possible, and I find he is much calmer when he has had very physically active days.
Does physical activity also help you to calm your nervous system? Have you come up with any other strategies that work?
Chryssie:
Before I started my recovery, I had to be moving constantly or I would just get wound up. If I tried to sit still long enough to watch a TV show, I would get mean. I had to go drum, or walk for miles, or do something very athletic in order to just calm down emotionally.
I did janitorial for most of my life; walking 20 miles a night inside a grocery store, dust-mopping every inch, then scrubbing it, then mopping it, then buffing it, then re-dust-mopping it. I would just go go go all night long. I ached all over by the end of the night, and on my days off would still go on 10-mile hikes. I had to work/stim like that or I would go into a rage.
The thought of these kids like me being straight-jacketed or frozen in wet sheets just makes me want to scream. ABA is evil, and Aut-erobics is necessary.
See my review of the book Let Me Hear Your Voice: A family’s triumph over Autism wherein she compared ABA to an abusive cult.
Frantic stimming should be encouraged, then focused onto something constructive – in my case, drumming, hiking, motorcycle adventure riding [*1], etc. These kids should all be gymnasts or trapeze artists or swimmers or something like that. Forcing them to be still is outright abusive.
Now thet I have been on the GF/CF Diet for 7 years, have worn Irlen lenses for 3, and have been adjusting to AIT for 2, I am so much more calm, thus I no longer need to stim so much. I still love physically active day-jobs so I am tired by the end of the day. If I had a desk-job I would need to go home at the end of each day and jump on a trampoline or something like that until I was exhausted, or walk for miles to calm myself.
Today I am more the opposite; I feel calm most of the time, and only get wound up if I am exposed to a lot of light or sound.
My day-job provides a shuttle to work and back each day, so I spend that 40 minutes having a black-out break. I put in ear-plugs and cover my eyes and just zonk out for the duration of the trip. It really helps me a lot.
The point is I used to be the opposite; I used to have to frantically stim to keep calm. Now thet these 3 remedies have been applied (GF/CF, Irlen lenses, and AIT), I can at last calm myself internally, rather than having to stim so much.
And it was caused mainly by my inability to process light correctly, plus I was eating Gluten every day.
Coco:
If I do decide to get AIT for my guy, I want to make sure I am giving him the correct kind. It is really tough finding people in our area who do some of these types of treatments (Irlen lenses and AIT).
Chryssie:
Tomatis is a fraud. Use Barard AIT only (see my AIT page).
You can Google Berard AIT and Irlen Lenses to find practitioners in your area.
Coco:
I have often wished I could experience life as my son does just for one day so I could understand him better and help him more. He does not have a voice I can always understand, but you do, and you are giving me a window into his mind that I find invaluable.
I think you probably are more empathetic than normal people because you have to work so hard to understand others. Most people do not take the time to do that and, consequently, they are often completely insensitive (if not downright nasty). That is one thing I love about my son – he never treats other people like dirt, he does not lie, he does not make fun of other people nor put other people down. Sometimes I seriously wonder if Autism is the next step in human evolution.
I believe he is completely loving and definitely empathetic in his own way. It is just hard for him to show it because he is so challenged when it comes to language. So, just as you have to put people under a microscope in order to understand them better, I have to put my son under a microscope and observe his behavior very carefully. When I slow down and do that, I notice he is communicating to us all the time – just in his own unique way.
It is fortunate that you have the means to express yourself in ways other people can understand, at least sometimes. I am sure you are misunderstood frequently (considered “heartless” perhaps, as you had indicated?). But, that is just because most people really only know how to interpret spoken and body language in certain ways. They only speak 1 language, but people with Autism are frequently communicating in a different language. 1 is not better or worse than the other, they are just different.
I find that most people with Autism try very hard to understand the language of The Normals, while most Normals cannot even begin to figure out the language of Autism (nor do they try very hard). Instead, they just want to force people with Autism to conform and speak the language of the Normals. Not very tolerant behavior I am afraid.
My son does have Strabismus (he was just tested by the new Occupational Therapist). He also has a lot of Vestibular issues, and he still has some retained reflexes. Apparently, kids who did not spend a lot of time on their bellies and crawling as babies often have problems with retained reflexes which can result in all kinds of learning and other difficulties (and it definitely can affect vision). My guy had reflux as a baby, and spent much more time on his back. He never learned to roll over nor crawl properly, and moved very quickly to standing and walking. So, we have to spend some time doing physical activities that re-train those things in the body and brain.
Next on my list for him is finding a drum teacher.
I always hate it when people say “I am so sorry” when I tell them I have a boy with Autism. I am not sorry! Anyone can have a regular kid. But not everyone gets to have a kid like mine. Mine is amazing. I feel bad for people who do not have a kid like mine. They have no idea what they are missing!
(*1) Google Adventure Motorcycling in Utah - ADV ersity: Episode 1. It will then direct you to episode 2. Watch it too.
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I came across your website as I was doing a search for information about Irlen lenses.
I have an 8-year-old son who is completely non-verbal, but has receptive language.
We home-school him using a variety of interventions, primarily RDI, (Relationship Development Intervention) which has been wonderful, various Occupational Therapy and Sensory Therapies, vitamin supplements, diet, etc.
He is a tremendous gift to our lives. He is funny, sweet, and really smart and talented. He has been making great progress over the years.
However, I understand completely the sensory and motor struggles he faces on a regular basis, and so we are constantly trying to find new ways to help him by lowering the sensory burdens and the overall stress on his systems.
He appears to be color-blind, since he can match all kinds of things, but not colors. I have known for a while he has some visual processing problems. Unfortunately, aside from Melvin Kaplan’s book [Behavior Through a Lens by Melvin Kaplan OD] and a few others, there really is not much out there by way of visual processing therapy.
He has some really challenging issues with motor-planning. His body just does not seem to get the message from his brain. It has been improving on a gross motor level, but it is really slow-going on a fine motor level. I am wondering if you have any insight into that issue.
We just managed to toilet-train him this past summer (urine only) but have yet to master bowel movements. It all goes back to motor planning.
Chryssie:
It sounds like you are doing everything right so far.
RDI and Occupational and Sensory Therapies are helpful, but they do not alleviate the sensory problems, they just help the child deal with them. They can be alleviated, thus eliminating the need for these therapies, with the GF/CF Diet, Irlen Lenses, and AIT (not to say those therapies should not be continued).
I have not yet read Melvin Kaplan's book, but I read an interview with him [Google Vision Therapy for ASD. Interview with Melvin Kaplan, O.D.] wherein he suggested toe-walking may be caused by a visual processing disorder; the floor appears to slope downward sharply, thus they naturally place their feet in that position. Then since their physical senses are so inaccurate (Dyspraxia), they may not readily feel thet their feet are in the wrong position.
My depth-perception was horrible, thus I could not walk in a straight line. The Irlens alleviated the symptoms of my processing disorder, thus the ground now looks flat, and a foot closer.
As for Dyspraxia or Apraxia [Dyspraxia is the partial loss of the ability to co-ordinate and perform purposeful movements and gestures with normal accuracy. Apraxia is the complete loss of this ability.]; the hypo-sensitivity prevents the Autistic child from clearly feeling the need to go, thus resulting in difficult toilet-training. [See my Autism Lecture #14 titled Seven Senses wherein I address this further.]
I agree with you thet it all goes back to motor-planning, but it also suggests plain old numbness; he may simply not feel his body accurately.
I definitely have Speech Dyspraxia. I am an excellent writer, but a horrible speaker. Many people cannot understand what I say. I talk like I have just chewed ice.
It is partly due to my superior vocabulary (They say, “You speak a different language than the rest of us.”), but also due to the fact I do not pronounce that vocabulary clearly. The reason I could not do the voice acting for my claymation movie is because I cannot articulate and inflect at the same time. It took me 6 hours and 50 minutes to record 10 minutes of usable dialog!
Then, since the Normals cannot understand verbal language, even when I try to over-articulate my every word, I still have the wrong tone and inflection, so it does not make sense to them even if they do understand the words.
I thus live on my web-site, or have conversations like this 1, which have been written-out in advance and re-written several times before I publish it.
Coco:
As for the Dyspraxia; you basically reaffirmed what I have suspected all along – my boy is completely hypo and under-reactive to most things, and I think his body feels like it has been shot through with Novocain. He is very numb. We do a lot of Occupational Therapy and Sensory Motor stuff, and we have done a lot of massage (he likes touch), and also have used the Masgutova Nuero-Reflex Integration Program (See http://masgutovamethod.com), which has been really helpful.
Un-integrated primitive infant reflexes can really mess up motor-planning. My boy could not run, grip, nor do other things like that until we integrated some of those reflexes. Unfortunately that program has not done much for the numbness, and I am hoping thet over time and with practice he will start noticing and recognizing the urge to have a bowel-movement when it comes.
Chryssie:
My only previous reference-point for things associated with the Musgutova Method was a documentary I saw about a teenage boy who was very much like Josephine from the movie A Day In the Death of Joe Egg (a “no-one-home Retard”).
People started recommending euthanasia, so a team of 4 decided to pretend he was a newborn infant and program him with all the instinctive phases he should have gone through if he had been normal. They spent 8 hours a day for months just making him right his head. Then they spent months making him roll over properly. Then they made him go through crawling movements for months, etc.
Eventually he learned to walk on his own. Today he is still severely Retarded but can go to the bathroom by himself and even play piano.
The main thing I learned from this is thet it is never too late to start. At the age of 17 they started teaching him what he would have gone through if he had just been born, and it worked.
Compare this story to Genie from the movie Mockingbird Don’t Sing, wherein it was hypothesized thet if one does not learn language before puberty they never will.
In my case it is my delayed reaction to stimuli thet seems retarded. Apparently a product of Sensory Processing Disorders, I do not pick up the social cues, recognize subtle facial expressions, etc. But I also go completely numb if exposed to severe pain, lose my visual processing ability when tired, and am never quite in my own body, etc.
This results in the typically Aspergian Flat Effect, wherein my reactions to anything are relatively vague or subdued (the Daria Morgendorffer/Maud Pie type).
Meanwhile I would have an outright meltdown if sensorily over-stimulated by things normal people do not notice.
For me, Casein was the poison which made me numb, spacey, Retarded, and out-of body. Once I got the milk products out of my system, I woke up. I cannot stress enough how important the GF/CF Diet is for Autistics (if they have Intestinal Autism).
Though the Masgutova Nuero-Reflex Integration Program (MNRI) does sound valuable, I think this ABA type of therapy is relatively useless if done before GF/CF, Irlen Lenses, and AIT have been given the chance to do their thing first.
That having been said, I would still like to hear your story about what improvements MNRI did make.
Coco:
First, MNRI is not related to ABA in any way. For the record, I am definitely not a fan of ABA. Behavioralists do not understand Autism at all. All they do is address the visible behaviors they can observe, and then try to get rid of the ones that "look strange", while teaching kids "skills" that seem age-appropriate even if they are not developmentally appropriate. ABA is actually a kind of torture, and I cannot believe it is even allowed. It is just terrible and it stresses kids out and makes them miserable.
MNRI, however, is not an educational treatment program at all – it is strictly a physical therapeutic approach.
As you know, a lot of people with Autism have problems with praxis. In fact, all kinds of people can have problems with praxis: people who have had strokes, people who have had accidents that resulted in neurological damage, people with Cerebral Palsy and other disorders, etc.
But the ability to motor-plan well requires perquisites, and one of those is integrated reflexes.
All of us are born with infant reflexes, and those reflexes really prime our brains for later movement; those reflexes create the foundation for future motor movement, and they need to develop and then move into the background of our brain’s processing. If those reflexes are retained (i.e., they do not get sent to the “background” when they should), they can affect motor movement and planning. MNRI is basically a program that uses specific massage-type techniques and exercises to help people train their reflexes to work properly.
They should be operating quietly in the background. If something disrupts them – a brain injury, a neurological disorder, a stroke, or something else – then all the other higher levels of motor movement will be affected. Movement becomes less efficient, it requires more processing power and energy, leaving little energy left for other things, stress is created in the body, etc. So, it is a really good idea to have those reflexes assessed and then to do exercises to inhibit them if necessary.
When we had my son assessed, we learned that all but a few of his reflexes were completely messed up - they were either missing altogether or pathological. So we spent 18 months re-patterning the earliest, most primitive reflexes in his body, and it made a big difference.
At the end of those months, he was finally able to use his hands to grip with some strength, his balance improved tremendously, and he also learned to run properly (alternating legs, rather than the strange gallop he had before). So now I am trying to arrange a follow-up evaluation and treatment program so we can start working on the next level of reflexes (the post-utero postural reflexes).
Meanwhile, RDI training focuses on vision and motor movement, and I would love your insight on it. I just wanted to make sure you knew it had nothing to do with ABA.
Chryssie:
ABA programs the kid how to act normal, but does nothing to address why the kid was behaving abnormally in the first place.
Autism is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders (SPDs). Thus, eliminating, or at least alleviating, the processing disorders should be the main focus. ABA trying to make the kid act normal while their SPDs are still freaking them out is just wrong.
Irlen Lenses alleviate the Visual Processing Disorder, which in my case was the cause of my petrifying anxiety and daily rage-attacks. And AIT alleviates the Audio Processing Disorders, which in my case kept me emotionally wound up all the time.
Now I am so calm and relatively indifferent to over-stimulation, I no longer behave abnormally, thus the ABA type of training is not something I even need to acknowledge.
I (and probably most Autistics) know how to act normal, we just cannot do so while in such a state of over-stimulation, thus I agree with you thet ABA is basically torture.
Coco:
ABA is all about creating the appearance of normalcy. Behaviorists do not give a damn about what is actually going on inside these kids; that would be too much work. At my son’s old school, they still use aversive procedures to “teach” kids how to “behave” “appropriately”. I know of 10 year olds who were put in ice-cold showers as a “treatment procedure” for engaging in “stereotypic behavior"; i.e., Stimming.
I know of kids who would work hard all day to earn a reward only to lose it at the last minute for a tiny little stim. I know of another family whose son was “papoosed”, or to be more accurate, straight-jacketed for stimmy behavior. My own son was subjected to a loud sound (hair clippers) held close to his ears while he was blindfolded.
I yanked my boy out of that place, and I would have seen it closed down if it was within my power.
The sad thing is the “professionals” working there mean well, and they honestly think they are helping these kids! It is so sad and so sick – it just makes me crazy to think about it. I do not understand why the parents do not get it; it is like they are brainwashed.
Perhaps people who were abused as children themselves are drawn to these types of jobs. It is possible. However, I have known a lot of ABA practitioners, and in my opinion most of them are on a power-trip and are very controlling. Behavioralists are considered “The bullies of the Psychiatric field”, and I think the label fits. The ABA people around here are all about furthering their own careers (getting published, speaking at conferences, etc) so they can charge parents and school districts ridiculous amounts of money for their “services.” It is rarely about helping the kids. It is very sad, because most parents are so desperate, they fall for it.
With regard to MNRI, keep in mind thet the Masgutova program is just one of several approaches to reflex integration. There are a lot of people who are starting to delve into this area, and I think we will be seeing more and more about it in the future.
There are also a lot of videos on YouTube that get into various reflexes, and the exercises you can do to inhibit them.
One of the reflexes is the head-righting reflex. I noticed very early on that my son did not have this, and it was one of the first indications that he may have Autism. He also had a very rapid increase in head circumference between 3 and 14 months (another warning sign). Of course, I started seeing these red flags when he was just a few months old, but everyone thought I was crazy. We were not able to get him diagnosed until 18 months. I wish “professionals” would listen more carefully to the parents.
Most people, regardless of whether they have a neurological disorder, have some retained reflexes – it is very common. It becomes a problem, however, when many of them are involved, when they are pathological, or when they are severely retained.
Chryssie:
As for MNRI: This idea thet some people never out-grow the instincts they have as a baby is something thet had not occurred to me.
In someone with neurological damage, they may not be able to get past 1 level of instinctual learning, thus they will not be able to use that as a foundation on which to build the next step. I understand this hypothesis.
I really want to get myself tested for this, for I am not aware I have anything preventing me from learning new things. But I understand thet a person could get stuck in 1 early step and thus not be able to see what the next step should even be. I wonder if I have some of that lingering.
I can see, or at least imagine, thet drumming may be useful as part of MNRI Therapy, for it is not instinctive for babies to co-ordinate all 4 limbs in that pattern-recognition sort of way.
Your son not being able to properly grasp nor run demonstrates how much he needed MNRI. Now thet the MNRI has "re-structured" (I am not sure if that is the correct word) his co-ordination, drumming may be very good for him as a next step in therapy, polishing his chops, not just as a drummer but for overall co-ordination; learning to think in 4 directions at the same time. I desperately needed that, for I was very awkward when not behind a drum set.
I really want to talk to Stephen Shore about this and get his insights on the subject. He is probably someone who understands very well the things thet can get in the way of an Autistic brain learning music.
I think the reason I could be such a good drummer was because both me and the drums were sitting still, thus I could muscle-train myself to make the right movements. I was utterly useless at most sports, specifically any sort of ball-game, for both me and the ball were moving and I simply could not keep track of both at the same time. Until I got my Irlens I could still not even walk in a straight line. But sitting still at a drum set, I had excellent chops. It was mainly a Visual Processing problem for me.
GF/CF helped me find my own body, and Irlens helped me find the ground. I still cannot find the ball, but at least I can walk now without people assuming I am drunk.
Coco:
We tried the GF/CF Diet for a year, and adhered to it very strictly. Unfortunately, I did not see any positive changes (physical or otherwise) as a result of the diet. When he returned to “normal” food, he actually improved.
Though I have seen the diet work literal miracles in other people – unfortunately, it just did not work that way for my guy.
Other things have worked though. We do a lot of supplementation: B vitamins, amino acids like Carnitine and NAC, cod liver oil, vitamin D, good multi-vitamins, and especially Probiotics.
Chryssie:
There are 2 types of Autism: Intestinal and Neurological. If your kid was born Autistic they have Neurological Autism. This means they first of all need Irlen lenses and AIT.
If your kid was born normal, and then had their intestines fried by vaccines and anti-biotics, they have Intestinal Autism, thus they first of all need the GF/CF Diet and Probiotics.
Though I still think it is healthy for all people to stop eating Gluten and Casein, that diet may have no effect on the Neurological aspects of Autism because there is not necessarily anything wrong with their guts. Whereas the vaccine-damaged kids cannot tolerate Gluten nor Casein, and never will.
For me, at least 1/3 of my symptoms were of intestinal origin. It is thus absolutely mandatory thet I remain on this life-changing diet permanently.
It is also mandatory thet I leave on my Irlen lenses for the rest of my life, for the Visual Processing Disorder is neurological, and thus has nothing to do with the intestinal damage; it is a brain malformity I was born with - Synesthesia.
Also, for me B6, K2, D3, Glutathion, and Selenium were very helpful. And all Autistics have a chronic Magnesium deficiency. And Probiotics are essential for all people; I feel they were tremendously helpful in healing my intestines.
Coco:
I think you are absolutely correct about the 2 types of Autism. In my case, my boy clearly had it from birth. However, I know other families who had completely normally developing children that regressed horribly after some assault to the immune system. In many cases, it was definitely vaccines. But, in some cases, regression occurred after a bad illness.
I am starting to speculate that the cases of normal development that later regress are due to some inborn genetic vulnerability that is then triggered by an environmental exposure. In our case, even though my guy has more of a genetic type of Autism, I am still really careful about environmental exposures because I think they can make it worse. So we supplement, supplement, supplement (taking a lot of the same things you are taking: Probiotics, lots of B vitamins, several amino acids, magnesium, zinc, etc.). We have not tried Selenium (I will have to look into that one), and we do not do Glutathione, but we do use a lot of the precursors to it. I think it has been very helpful. We also try to eat food that is organic and unprocessed. It is easy for my husband and I, but a little tougher to get the kid to eat certain foods because he is unfortunately very food-selective (I think it is a texture thing).
I want to ask you about the drums. My little guy loves to pound on drums. We have a lot of smaller percussion instruments like bongos, tambourines, and that sort of thing. He is drawn to those drums. He is fascinated by them.
Did you take lessons to learn how to play? Did you just buy drums and figure them out yourself? I think my son would love to play, but I do not know how to get this started. Should I look for a teacher and then try to adapt the lessons so he can understand?
I can see why you enjoy playing the drums – they provide awesome proprioceptive and auditory feedback, and they are kind of a workout too.
Chryssie:
Drums worked for me because they accommodated my fascination with parts of things, and my need for obsessive pattern recognition. It is also Aut-erobics; i.e., fun stimming, as opposed to panicky stimming. I also found it tremendously satisfying to be a composer, inventing new beats, feeling a sense of accomplishment through continually polishing my chops, etc.
Anyway; your son being non-verbal, I assume he thinks almost entirely in pictures, thus he should be very good at learning by watching someone else.
There are dozens of web-sites thet offer drum lessons on video: Drumeo.com, DrumChannel.com, Drummerworld.com, Drumlessons.com, Maximum Meytal, etc.
I would really love the experience of learning how to teach a non-verbal Autistic how to play drums.
Like I said, I assume he could learn by simply watching someone else play. But because he is so hypo-sensitive, he might need to sit on my lap with the drumsticks in his hands, but me taking his hands in mine, and me playing the drums through him. Google Stephen Shore Autistic music teacher.
I think the teacher should understand how to teach Autistics first, and how to teach drumming second.
Coco:
I am really starting to wonder if people on The Spectrum are actually more empathetic than others in some ways, but perhaps just do not always know how to show it, at least not in ways normal people can perceive.
Chryssie:
I believe I am much more empathetic than normal people because of my Autism. I have always had to analyze everything as an anthropologist in order to understand what was going on. My Derpy Hooves article is an excellent example of that, wherein I dissect everyone and analyze them down to the micron, and have always had to do that in order to “get it” socially. I have become very good at it.
Also, I am not influenced much by other peoples’ emotional state, it has little effect on me, thus I can remain emotionally detached while analyzing them like lab rats.
Though that may seem heartless, it actually is not, for once I come to understand them that way, I can emotionally empathize with them better than most people can.
So I agree with you thet Autistics may be better at empathizing than normal people are, they just go about it in a drastically different way.
For me, I have to write it out, and then in the course of re-writing it several times I begin to understand.
Coco:
I know my son is highly in tune with the emotional tone of the people around him. He is extremely sensitive to other people, but since he does not talk, it is hard for people who do not know him to perceive this about him. Most people are too busy talking too much and going about their own business to really slow down and observe my kid at a more subtle level. And that is too bad, because that is where a lot of his communication occurs!
Oddly enough, my little guy does not think in pictures. In fact, I would say he is almost functionally blind in some ways, even though, according to the optometrist, his eye-sight is normal. I think he may have turned off his processor some time ago because vision was just too much sensory input. He will not watch videos nor play computer games (no great loss there). He also cannot do puzzles or shape-sorters, and really struggles with things that require vision and eye/hand coordination. He has deficits in fixation, scanning, tracking, saccades (the rapid movement of the eyes between 2 fixed points), and visual memory – hence the appointments with the developmental optometrist and vision therapy. I am hoping we can turn on the visual processing centers of his brain and start getting all of his senses to work better together. He is kind of a kinesthetic learner – always in motion. He is also very tactile and oral – always fingering things in his hands and putting them in his mouth. I guess if you turn off your eyes, you have to make sense of your physical environment in other ways, such as by moving, touching, and tasting.
So, in his case, I think he would definitely learn better by sitting on someone’s lap and having someone help his body physically go through the movements.
Too bad you live on the other side of the country. It sounds like you would be a good drum teacher. I think I am going to start asking around. We live in a fairly artsy creative community; I am hoping I can find someone locally with some patience and sensitivity.
Chryssie:
Your son being the Aut-erobics type of learner, I can picture him sitting at a drum set with his eyes closed, just muscle-training.
When I played, I always had my glasses off, and often had my eyes closed, because I would get visually overwhelmed just watching my own hands moving. “Saccades” is the word you used.
I also smelled everything rather than looked at it, for I have never trusted my visual processor.
I cannot stress enough how important Irlen lenses are. In my case, I was receiving Ultra-violet light my processor could not handle, thus my wincing processor blocked out the Ultra-violet, but in the process blocked out the other colors too, leaving me to see in pastel. I wonder if that is what is going on with your son. Is his processor just being lazy?, does he have Strabismus or Amblyopia?; or is it the opposite, like in my case, wherein his processor is hyper-active and thus overwhelmed? If this is the case, the Irlens will filter out the colors his processor cannot handle, thus allowing it to relax enough to accurately process the remaining colors.
Before I got my Irlens, I processed about ¼ of what a normal person sees, thus explaining why I had to smell everything. With the lenses filtering out the Ultra-violet thus allowing my processor to stop wincing, I now process probably ½ of what a normal person sees. A tremendous improvement; and I no longer have to obsessively smell everything to give me that second sensory reference-point.
It also occurs to me thet he might be helped a lot with massage, chiropractic, rolfing, acupuncture, Reiki, etc.
I absolutely adore hot springs, the physical stimulation of being practically boiled alive feels so good to me. I love the skin stimulation of hot water, but not touch from another person.
Coco:
You are spot-on with your recommendations for massage, etc. Part of our MNRI program involves deep-massage, and my little guy loves it. He also loves the pool at the YMCA – it is warm, and he completely luxuriates in water.
Chryssie:
I also take vinegar baths. You put ½ gallon of brown apple cider vinegar in a bath, as hot as you can stand, and it leeches the pesticides out of your skin. If you live on planet Earth, you have pesticides on your skin.
It is another form of detox. Plus it is very physically stimulating.
Also, him wanting to taste everything reminds me of me wanting to smell everything. Give him a smorgasbord of taste sensations and really give his taste processor a work-out. If that is 1 of his most accurate senses, cultivate it. He could become a Master Chef!
Coco:
I am really glad you were able to alleviate a lot of your sensory processing problems. It gives me great hope for my guy. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to feel so uncomfortable in your own skin all the time and to feel assaulted by everything coming at you in the environment. It must be exhausting. No wonder Autistics either rage or just shut down. It is good that you have been able to discover things like supplementation, Irlens, AIT, and diet (and drumming) over time that have helped you to calm your nervous system.
The way you described drumming is the way I feel about exercise. I try to keep my boy moving, moving, moving as much as possible, and I find he is much calmer when he has had very physically active days.
Does physical activity also help you to calm your nervous system? Have you come up with any other strategies that work?
Chryssie:
Before I started my recovery, I had to be moving constantly or I would just get wound up. If I tried to sit still long enough to watch a TV show, I would get mean. I had to go drum, or walk for miles, or do something very athletic in order to just calm down emotionally.
I did janitorial for most of my life; walking 20 miles a night inside a grocery store, dust-mopping every inch, then scrubbing it, then mopping it, then buffing it, then re-dust-mopping it. I would just go go go all night long. I ached all over by the end of the night, and on my days off would still go on 10-mile hikes. I had to work/stim like that or I would go into a rage.
The thought of these kids like me being straight-jacketed or frozen in wet sheets just makes me want to scream. ABA is evil, and Aut-erobics is necessary.
See my review of the book Let Me Hear Your Voice: A family’s triumph over Autism wherein she compared ABA to an abusive cult.
Frantic stimming should be encouraged, then focused onto something constructive – in my case, drumming, hiking, motorcycle adventure riding [*1], etc. These kids should all be gymnasts or trapeze artists or swimmers or something like that. Forcing them to be still is outright abusive.
Now thet I have been on the GF/CF Diet for 7 years, have worn Irlen lenses for 3, and have been adjusting to AIT for 2, I am so much more calm, thus I no longer need to stim so much. I still love physically active day-jobs so I am tired by the end of the day. If I had a desk-job I would need to go home at the end of each day and jump on a trampoline or something like that until I was exhausted, or walk for miles to calm myself.
Today I am more the opposite; I feel calm most of the time, and only get wound up if I am exposed to a lot of light or sound.
My day-job provides a shuttle to work and back each day, so I spend that 40 minutes having a black-out break. I put in ear-plugs and cover my eyes and just zonk out for the duration of the trip. It really helps me a lot.
The point is I used to be the opposite; I used to have to frantically stim to keep calm. Now thet these 3 remedies have been applied (GF/CF, Irlen lenses, and AIT), I can at last calm myself internally, rather than having to stim so much.
And it was caused mainly by my inability to process light correctly, plus I was eating Gluten every day.
Coco:
If I do decide to get AIT for my guy, I want to make sure I am giving him the correct kind. It is really tough finding people in our area who do some of these types of treatments (Irlen lenses and AIT).
Chryssie:
Tomatis is a fraud. Use Barard AIT only (see my AIT page).
You can Google Berard AIT and Irlen Lenses to find practitioners in your area.
Coco:
I have often wished I could experience life as my son does just for one day so I could understand him better and help him more. He does not have a voice I can always understand, but you do, and you are giving me a window into his mind that I find invaluable.
I think you probably are more empathetic than normal people because you have to work so hard to understand others. Most people do not take the time to do that and, consequently, they are often completely insensitive (if not downright nasty). That is one thing I love about my son – he never treats other people like dirt, he does not lie, he does not make fun of other people nor put other people down. Sometimes I seriously wonder if Autism is the next step in human evolution.
I believe he is completely loving and definitely empathetic in his own way. It is just hard for him to show it because he is so challenged when it comes to language. So, just as you have to put people under a microscope in order to understand them better, I have to put my son under a microscope and observe his behavior very carefully. When I slow down and do that, I notice he is communicating to us all the time – just in his own unique way.
It is fortunate that you have the means to express yourself in ways other people can understand, at least sometimes. I am sure you are misunderstood frequently (considered “heartless” perhaps, as you had indicated?). But, that is just because most people really only know how to interpret spoken and body language in certain ways. They only speak 1 language, but people with Autism are frequently communicating in a different language. 1 is not better or worse than the other, they are just different.
I find that most people with Autism try very hard to understand the language of The Normals, while most Normals cannot even begin to figure out the language of Autism (nor do they try very hard). Instead, they just want to force people with Autism to conform and speak the language of the Normals. Not very tolerant behavior I am afraid.
My son does have Strabismus (he was just tested by the new Occupational Therapist). He also has a lot of Vestibular issues, and he still has some retained reflexes. Apparently, kids who did not spend a lot of time on their bellies and crawling as babies often have problems with retained reflexes which can result in all kinds of learning and other difficulties (and it definitely can affect vision). My guy had reflux as a baby, and spent much more time on his back. He never learned to roll over nor crawl properly, and moved very quickly to standing and walking. So, we have to spend some time doing physical activities that re-train those things in the body and brain.
Next on my list for him is finding a drum teacher.
I always hate it when people say “I am so sorry” when I tell them I have a boy with Autism. I am not sorry! Anyone can have a regular kid. But not everyone gets to have a kid like mine. Mine is amazing. I feel bad for people who do not have a kid like mine. They have no idea what they are missing!
(*1) Google Adventure Motorcycling in Utah - ADV ersity: Episode 1. It will then direct you to episode 2. Watch it too.
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Roswell:
Hi Chryssie.
I have a 20-year-old son who is basically functionally non-verbal – he can speak but really struggles with word-finding, and has auditory issues.
I understand completely the sensory and motor struggles he faces. He tends to alter the colors on his TV and computer monitor in some really odd ways. I have known for a while that he has visual processing problems.
What I find different about your website is your openness to discuss taboo subjects like sexuality. I had some issues with my son (since resolved) and could not find a darn bit of help or insight despite months of searching. I wish I had found your site sooner!
Chryssie:
Thank you for comming on my show to discuss taboo subjects.
Your kid altering the colors on the TV and Computer screens demonstrates just how bad his visual processing is. Irlen Lenses should compensate for that to life-changing extent. See the very bottom of my Irlen Lenses page for comments from my sister (her Irlens have 11 filters!) wherein she describes the improvements made in her symptoms she did not know were vision-related.
Roswell:
I have contacted an Irlen diagnostician and am hoping to hear back from her soon. I definitely think the colored lenses might be helpful.
I also read your lecture on Autistic Sex, which was very enlightening. It seems, however, that I have the opposite problem that you did. Your parents sound like they were very old-fashioned and repressed.
In my case, I have been trying to have honest sex-talks with him to no avail. He seems deeply embarrassed by it, and makes it clear he does not want me to continue with this type of conversation.
I have known for many years that he has been masturbating, but I never noticed any evidence of him taking the act to completion. In the last 18 months or so he seemed to be unusually cranky and quick to anger, and I felt it was because he was not masturbating to completion. So, I tried to explain this whole process to him.
I also tried to find something (a book, a video, anything) that was not just gratuitously pornographic that would show him by way of pictures or a video just what you are supposed to do. Sometimes, he prefers to learn things that way, on his own time and at his own pace with a book or video, rather than have one of us yapping at him about it. But, there are simply no resources out there like that, and I looked hard! So I just explained things to him, even though I did not think he was listening, and I left it alone for a while. Sure enough, over a few months, he did figure out how to finish and his mood greatly improved (thank goodness). So, maybe he was listening after all.
I have often thought about a Sex Surrogate for him, and would have no problem making that happen. I would like him to experience all aspects of living a normal life, if possible. However, he is extremely defensive to touch (which sounds a lot like how you describe yourself), and I do not know where I would find someone sensitive and smart enough to do it right. We will see what comes down the road, as I am open to anything safe, legal, and decent that would enhance his life.
Chryssie:
My parents were religious conservatives; meaning they believed masturbation was self-abuse, and thet even thinking about sex was "sinning in your heart." I consider these attitudes outright abusive.
It could be possible thet your son is A-sexual; i.e., he may not necessarily feel sexually attracted to anyone nor anything.
See my review of the documentary (A) Sexual, wherein the Aspergirl said she thought her Aspergers directly contributed to her A-sexuality.
I have always been very sexually attracted to women. But I cannot stand the way they touch me, nor their sick head-games thet always go with it, so eventually I just gave up on sex (with them). I still masturbate, and definitely think about women when I do. I no longer feel resentful, nor angry, nor frustrated about it though. Now I am okay with being "solo-sexual."
Your son seeming “deeply embarrassed by it and makes it clear he does not want to continue with that type of conversation” may suggest he is truly not interested in sex, and may honestly not care to be.
It may also be the opposite, wherein he is definitely interested, has a distinct sexuality, but is just not able to handle the sensory overload.
The only time I have truly felt a sense of terror, was when I had someone else's cell-phone in my pocket and they had it set on vibrate. When that specific frequency of vibration went off, I almost died of panic.
I can equate that experience to what may be going on with your son, wherein he has the desire to masturbate but cannot "finish." It may be thet his processors get so overwhelmed as he approaches orgasm thet they trigger a panic response.
I think I can understand this, in thet my hands are hypersensitive. Before I started my recovery, if a dog licked my palm I would have a full-body orgasm. I can imagine thet your son may also have hypersensitive hands as I did, thus combining the hand sensation with the penis sensation may be a double-whammy of sensory overload. If this is his experience, he may need a toy to masturbate with; i.e., a device to insert his penis into so his hands are not being over-stimulated in the process (there are a dozen such devices on the market. (Go to Amazon and search "Male Masturbator").
I do not use 1 of those devices, I just use my hands, but my hands always feel over-stimulated and uncomfortable, like they are missing a layer of skin.
As for Sex Surrogates: I imagine you could go to the college and ask to speak with students who are studying to be teachers or therapist for Special Needs kids, and ask them if they want to "specialize." I may do this myself so I can answer this question with some authority.
I also live in Nevada right now, where prostitution is legal. State-regulated, safe, clean, professionals like this may be a place to start in examining the subject of Sex Surrogates.
Something else I need to learn is proper etiquette when even asking about such things. This may not just be a taboo subject, but a subject thet might not even exist! Where does one find a legal prostitute who also has a degree in Special Needs Education?, or at least understands what Sensory Processing Disorders even are? As you said, “I do not know where I would find someone sensitive and smart enough to do it right.” Neither do I. I am sure I could find some whore willing to give a patronizing sympathy-fuck, but that would be disgusting, and would only confuse the Autistic as to what sex is for. Maybe this should be the subject of my next Autism Lecture.
In the movie The Hawk Is Dying, the uncle got a Psych Major college girl to have sex with his Autistic nephew. I cannot imagine how that conversation went. How does one, with proper etiquette, even ask about this?
Roswell:
I think you are right about a few things: I think my son may be A-sexual, in that I am not sure his sexual feelings have anything to do with being aroused by women, but rather just may be a physical response/bodily function. And I definitely think those feelings are (or were) really overwhelming to him at a sensory level. As you have found out for yourself, there are not a lot of resources available to people with Autism regarding sexuality. And it is such a shame – especially in your case because you desire that kind of physical intimacy but just need to have it adapted to suit your particular nervous system. Perhaps one day, you will meet a nice woman with Autism, and she will possess the sensitivity and understanding you have so you could be good partners to one another.
Chryssie:
I have done some research on Sex Surrogates. So far I have found thet most of them are “Sexologists”; i.e., experts on sexual “hang-ups”, such as being survivors of rape or incest, or physical disabilities thet interfere with normal sexual activity. Nowhere have I found mention of them working with Sensory Processing Disorders.
I wrote to The International Professional Surrogates Association, and they sent me a DVD thet was a basic introduction to the subject [*1]. From it I learned thet all Sex Surrogates have to be prescribed to the patient by a Sex Therapist; this is to prevent anyone from being accused of Prostitution. Also, the DVD introduced us to 5 different clients, none of whom had Sensory Processing Disorders. With four of the five clients, the Therapist never had any form of sex with them. They mainly did touching and talking sessions just to get the client comfortable with any intimacy at all. Actual sex had very little to do with it; i.e., the clients’ “hang-ups” were psychological not sensory.
I sent them a copy of my Seven Senses article, and did not hear back. I am expecting thet though they may be experts on Sex, they may have no clue what Processing Disorders even are. We will have to see if I get a response.
Roswell:
My son cannot explain to me what his senses feel like, but you can, and because of the very thorough explanations you present in your lectures, he is making so much more sense to me. My son totally freaks-out when a baby cries (I just read your comments about that).
Again, I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I found your web-site, and thet we have this oportunity to sit and talk about it. I have often wished I could experience life as my boy does just for 1 day so I could understand him better (and help him more). He does not have a voice I can always understand, but you do, and you are giving me a window into his mind I find invaluable.
Chryssie:
I think my Seven Senses article was my most educational. See my review of the TV series Alphas, wherein I discuss Rachel’s SPDs, and what I said in my Derpy Hooves article about Fluttershy’s SPDs.
Autism is a collection of SPDs. That is the most important thing you need to know about it; and that is why ABA is flat wrong.
Sex being a taboo subject is just ridiculous to me. People are so neurotic about it, they might think thet if you mention Sex Surrogacy for your Special child, that means you are a pervert talking about child porn! You get your own child laid??? Oh, the horror!
Well, my "child" is 20 years old. So fuck you.
A woman said she felt sexually aroused by breast-feeding (which is common), and some pervert overheard that and reported her as a child-molester! She was actually arrested for breast-feeding.
I can see why you must be discerning in who you talk to about such things. But at the same time, I feel these perverts should have their faces rubbed in it until they just get over it.
This Fifty Shades of Grey movie has led to sex-toys being sold in chain-stores, not just “embarrassing” porn shops; i.e., slowly society is getting over their masturbation neurosis.
But there will always be perverts who think any man would rape a Retard if you give him the chance, and think any affection shown toward a child is sexual foreplay! It makes me angry. Day-care Centers with their Hands Off Policy is just so wrong. [*2]
And of course there is my attitude toward Democracy, wherein the Victorian neurotics are still looking for a Witch to burn in the name of sexual conservativism. In the USA, Circumcisions are still common practice, Hermaphrodite mutilation is considered routine, and clitoridectomies are legal and inflicted on 2,000 babies a year!
I was relieved to see the subject of masturbation be addressed so openly in the movies The Black Balloon, and Mockingbird Don’t Sing (see my reviews).
Roswell:
I know sexual frustration was a big problem for my son for a number of years (and I honestly think that was the leading cause of his rages). However, since he has figured out how to masturbate to completion, that has almost completely gone away.
I think he likes girls (he likes to look at pictures of them anyway), but he is so innocent. I have tried to talk the birds and bees with him, but I do not think he understands. Maybe it is better that way.
I think 1 of the only movies I recognized on your list was Lars and The Real Girl. I love that movie; it addresses so many issues, including Autistic sexuality, in such a sweet and gentle way.
Chryssie:
Would your son like watching Choca dancing? See the YouTube video Choca anthro pony OC second life. If you are male and you do not enjoy watching that video, then you are not male!
I too loved Lars and the Real Girl for it’s gentle exploration of “embarrassing subjects”.
Though I hated Lars’ brother and sister-in-law. The way they handled Lars was flat wrong in every case. I yelled at them often while watching that movie.
Back to the subject of Sensory Processing Disorders: I can play a sit-down drum-set for 4 hours with sticks and feel great. But if I play congas with my bare hands for 5 minutes, I feel horribly over-stimulated. And if I shoot hand-guns, I just feel furious after a dozen or so shots. I cannot stand having my hands shocked like that.
Compare this to what I said on my Home page about Chrysalis’ legs. If the shock dissipates through my whole body, I love it. But if it concentrates in just 1 area, I hate it.
This is why I gave up on sex. Women are just so irritating!
This contributed to the development of my sense of humor, being intellectual rather than emotional. Sex to me is also very intellectual rather than physical. And this is why I think porn is idiotic; they do not talk to each other, there is nothing intellectual about it.
I am touch-averse. And, generally speaking, I think porn is just stupid. I am not a visual thinker (I do not understand these guys who need to have porn to look at in order to get-off), it is the fantasy in my head (which is more about symbolism and what the fantasy represents, in a dream analysis sort of way) thet arouses me.
Roswell:
It never occurred to me to even think about physical sensation in the way you just described it; i.e., physical shock dissipating throughout your whole body versus being concentrated in something like your hands. Your explanation of playing the drums with sticks versus playing the congas with bare hands is fascinating. You just helped me understand a lot of things about my son.
And yes, women can be very irritating (and I am saying that as a woman who tends to prefer the company of men to other women). I grew up a tomboy and would rather watch football than walk through the mall (I hate the mall – terrible air and horrible smells everywhere). I never accept invitations to "girls’ night out", and I would rather get a tooth filled than have to go to a wedding or baby shower. Ugh! Those are the worst! Too much boring small-talk alternating with high drama. I find those kinds of things exhausting. So I do understand your frustration. However, I would ask you to keep an open mind. Women run along a full spectrum just like men do. You are still young and may yet run across someone who is a good match for you. You just never know.
Chryssie:
The Autistic me has an internal humor, as I have an internal sexuality. It is a word-play sense of humor type of feeling I get when I think about sex.
I like to think about touching their hair, and their scent. The senses have to be compartmentalized individually, for if I feel the senses all at once I get over-stimulated.
The character of Rachel in the Alphas TV series is like that. She can focus 1 sense to super-human extent, but when she does all her other senses turn off.
I always had to sleep naked, for I could not stand clothing touching me. I would wake up angry, feeling claustrophobic if I fell asleep with clothes on. Now it does not bother me as much.
Temple Grandin said she always wore pants because she could not stand the feeling of her bare legs touching each other.
Roswell:
My son does not like to sleep in clothes either (he cannot even stand a sheet on his bed). I gave up on a regular bed for him long ago because he constantly destroyed mattresses. I actually ended up buying him an 8-inch-thick gym landing-mat for a bed, and he loves it. He started sleeping much better when we got him that a few years ago.
Chryssie:
If your son is unable to understand thet women can be more than just nice to look at, maybe that is good for him, in thet ignorance is bliss (in a good way); i.e., if he does not know what he is missing, he will not feel frustrated about not having it (honestly, he might be better off oblivious; as opposed to the way I was - in a state of sexually frustrated rage, for I knew exactly what I was missing, and it was infuriating!).
But you referring to him as "so innocent" makes me feel afraid for him too. He could be sexually abused or at least manipulated easily because he is not able to understand what sex even is. And by "sex" I mean the social game-playing aspect of sexuality, wherein malicious manipulators play sick head-games around sexuality (like pretty much every woman I ever knew) [*3]. My main point being thet little girls are not the only target for sexual predators. A 20-year-old boy who cannot understand manipulative sex-games is also the perfect victim for some predatory faggot.
I thought about that a lot with my non-verbal Autistic daughter Elle. She was just coming into that age where teenage boys started "liking" her. I knew in a couple years she would start liking them back. I so much wanted to help her get boyfriends, and eventually have a satisfying sex life, but at the same time she was so vulnerable and needed to be protected from predators.
I do not know if any parent figures out how to handle that situation, particularly a father with a daughter, and especially a father with a Special daughter. I wanted to let her go fall down and get hurt and learn. But being a non-verbal Autistic, she was (or would at least appear to be) such a perfect victim. All I can do is teach her Karate and Jiu Jitsu and how to legally shoot people with her Concealed Carry gun.
There is nothing more pathetic than a Christian Pacifist who thinks it is wrong to hurt people. If you do not teach your daughters how to hurt people on purpose it is your fault if they get raped.
Meanwhile: Me analyzing how I would deal with Elle’s sexuality is what got me onto the subject of Sex Surrogates. I never thought of having one for myself until I questioned whether I could/would/should get one for Elle when the time came.
I talked (read: ranted) about that in my Autistic Sex lecture, wherein I said Special kids need far more sex education than Normal kids do, especially concerning the social aspects of sex (read: manipulative game-playing), at least for their own protection.
Can you picture your son inadvertently inviting predators in? I recognized that could have happened with Elle, and still do not know exactly how I would have handled it after the fact, nor even how to prevent it in the first place.
Roswell:
I used to worry a lot about someone taking advantage of him because he is so vulnerable and innocent. I am less worried about it now. He is 20 years old, 6 feet tall, and a big strong guy. He lives semi-independently in a house we built specifically for his sensory needs. We carefully vet everyone we hire to work with him, and he is under pretty regular supervision, so I feel we are keeping him as safe as we possibly can.
Having said that, I do not want this kid living as a shut-in, so he has a lot of programmed activities: things he does at The YMCA, training-sessions at the gym, art lessons, and that sort of thing.
While he has sexual urges, I do not think he understands the whole "man/woman" thing at all, and I do not see any indication he wants to. He is so touch-averse that I think he would probably punch anyone who tried to get physical with him in a sexual way. In his case, I otherwise truly believe ignorance is bliss.
Chryssie:
Non-verbal Autistic Carly Fleishmann was 14 when she asked her dad when she could start dating. His response was to go deer in headlights. He had apparently assumed she would find a non-verbal Autistic boyfriend when she got to be college-age. It had not occurred to him thet the 14-year-old Normal boys in the mainstream school she attended were interested in her and she was interested in them too.
You said yourself thet maybe one day I would find a nice Autistic woman who could be a good partner for me (thank you). You assumed she would have to be Autistic for it to work. I agree with your assumption, but it was the same assumption Carly’s dad had made, which (in Carly’s case) was wrong.
Why do I dream of morphing into Chrysalis or a running cat (I spent many years running around on all fours because I had such Proprioceptive difficulties)? Why have I seldom dreamed of staying in my body while having intercourse with someone?, but I have dreamed of being pregnant, giving birth, and breast-feeding? Why do I like to watch women jill-off (I like the way she touches herself, though I do not necessarily feel aroused by it), but do not like watching couples porn (I hate the way they touch each other, and they never talk!)?
I have at least 4 more articles to write on these subjects before I really start to understand. I am a relative expert on Autism, but I still have no clue on certain aspects of it, even those thet effect me directly. At my age one would think I would have it figured out by now!
Roswell:
Carly Fleishmann is pretty darn amazing. I learned a lot from her book, but I had forgotten that she had asked her dad about dating and that she was interested in boys who were not Autistic. I guess I just assumed it would be easier for her (and you) to have a partner who also has Autism, because both of you would be sensitive to the needs of the other person in perhaps an empathetic way that the Normals would not be capable of.
I remember listening to an interview with Sean Barron Cohen wherein he talked about his girlfriend who also has Autism and how it worked for them because they both understood each other so well. However, I am actually wrong to make that assumption. There are plenty of people who make relationships work even though they are different. David Finch (the guy who wrote The Journal Of Best Practices) and his wife come to mind. Good people who love each other can always make it work.
Chryssie:
The first time I saw Cytheria Queen of Squirt (this girl who squirts juice all over the place when she cums), I was fascinated on an intellectual level, for I had never seen such as her before. It was not sexually arousing to me, just scientifically interesting (Honest-to-God, I was watching porn for "educational purposes").
I thought, Oh my God (dess), this girl is gifted! But I was not particularly turned-on sexually.
The next time I saw it, I thought of her as a cartoon character, which struck me as funny – again, on an intellectual humor level.
The 3rd time I watched it I was just bored. I have not seen it since.
I believe all people who like porn are addicts. Their brains click into Addictive Personality Disorder, and they just "shoot-up" over and over and cannot get enough.
I am not an addict, so I become bored after seeing it 3 times.
Porn is boring, but it can be funny on an intellectual level if I picture them as cartoon characters (and because I cannot help but picture them as cartoon characters).
If you saw Maximum Meytal, Ms Cohen looks like a cartoon character to me, with her exaggerated facial features, then exaggerated facial expressions. I laugh every time I see her, for she is a cartoon!
And Shoe On Head is one of my favorite YouTubers because she looks like a cartoon.
Compare this to Henry Darger, from the documentary In the Realms of the Unreal, wherein he only interacted with the fictional characters he had as cartoons. Also see Mark Hogancamp, from the documentary Marwencol, wherein he only interacted with the fictional characters he had as dolls. Then see Daria, wherein she was asked to write using real-life characters in a fictional story, to which she responded, “I wonder if anyone would notice a difference”; i.e., she already considered all people fictional characters.
This coincides with these adult Aspie men (Bronies) seeing cartoon ponies as the equivalent of real people. And if they are like me, and do not feel sexually aroused by porn, nor place significance on gender, they can thus find it funny to see these cartoons as real people, but only on an intellectual level, which can also be funny in an absurdist humor way.
Then there is the gender question. In the parody film Rainbow Dash Presents: Bittersweet, all the characters are female, but all voiced by male actors. Sarcastic wiseass (Aspie?) actors. Why? Because, like with your son, gender may be irrelevant to an Autistic; and in your son’s case, he possibly cannot tell thet gender even exists.
In the documentary George, the Autistic 12-year-old could not tell the difference between a girl and a boy. He was shown many pictures and given much verbal description but it did not make any difference. His ability to grasp the differences between body types was just not working.
This is another aspect of Autism I have yet to write about for my web-site, though I did publish a zine on the subject of Gender Identity back in the ‘90s – coming to the conclusion thet gender was more a product of nurture not nature. Thus, Aspies can live vicariously through their cartoon characters, and what sex they happen to be is irrelevant.
Also see the movies Lars and the Real Girl, and Marwencol. In LATRG, Lars had a doll (a symbolic cartoon character) as a surrogate ralationship. In Marwencol, Mark had a whole villiage of dolls as surrogate relationships. And in Mark's case, he was intentionally "gender fluid" in creating the personalities of both his male and female characters, including dressing up in womens' clothes to play out the roles he would then assign to his dolls.
Roswell:
Porn:
You are totally right. It is completely addictive. I read this book called The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doige and he had a whole chapter dedicated to porn. He explains exactly what occurs in the brain when people watch porn and how it affects them neurologically and becomes addictive. Like you, I am not an addictive personality. I can take or leave most things that a lot of other people have a hard time putting down: I can eat a few potato chips and put the bag away, I can have one glass of wine and be completely satisfied, etc. So, I guess people like us are kind of lucky because we are not wired to get hooked. I am thankful for that because I have known a lot of addicts in my life (drugs, food, you name it), and those people are really sad. They always feel like they have no control over their lives, and consequently, I think they live in a pretty constant state of unease and fear. I think people who get addicted to porn are probably very visual types of learners; I am more of an auditory type of learner so I guess that is another reason why I do not really get the whole porn thing.
It is interesting that you can see living people, including yourself, as cartoon characters. I had never thought about it before, but in picturing some of the people in my life as cartoons, it is pretty funny. I can see all the people around me as characters, but I cannot think of one that I identify with and would represent me. I draw a blank there.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you how my boy dreams because he cannot tell me. He really cannot explain how he feels or thinks. He has a very difficult time finding words. I wonder sometimes if he imagines, if he has an inner life like Henry Darger or Mark Hogancamp.
He is taking painting lessons and he is really getting kind of good, but he never seems to come up with his own ideas. His art teacher will suggest something, or his caregiver will set up a still life for him. I long for the day when he comes up with an idea all his own. I know those ideas are in there.
Chryssie:
Him needing a Muse to inspire his creativity is something I think is common with Autistics. I too need a Muse’s idea for me to build upon, for my mind otherwise races frantically without settling on anything specific.
I think this is partly why Autistics have Fixated Subjects. It gives us some stability in our minds. And if the fixation can become an art-form, we excel at it beyond what the Normals can do; see Henry Darger and Mark Hogancamp as examples. They are obviously very lonely people, and have thus compensated with a fixation, and then turned it into an art-form.
Roswell:
I am wondering if sometimes people with Autism look at Normals and assume their lives are overflowing with friendships and relationships when that just is not the case. A lot of Normals are lonely. And, I might add, there are plenty of Normals who are so dysfunctional, they are incapable of being a good friend – or husband, or father, or anything else!
I used to worry a lot about my boy being lonely.
Chryssie:
Loneliness is something I think people adjust to and adjust to until they just get used to it. Or they acquire surrogates and compensation devices, or in my case just transfer to some Fixated Subject.
These people who walk around like zombies with their noses pressed against smart-phones and think they are connecting with people through “social media” are just sad to me.
The Bible says In The Time Of the End there will be no natural affection.
And I am aware thet prostitutes do their biggest business during the Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are so family-oriented; those who do not have families become very lonely during that time of year, so there is a big increase in suicides, and prostitutes see a boom in business. It is not really about sex, it is about loneliness.
For me, the difficulty in connecting with people (socially) is mostly due to the language barrier (for me it is a thinking problem, more than a sensory one). The Normals talk constantly but never say anything, and I find it exhausting. Or just as often they do not talk at all and then expect me to understand what that facial expression means.
I can never figure out what the purpose of their conversations are, because I am always taking their words literally when their words do not mean anything, not even to them.
All of them are drug addicts, and they thus need constant over-stimulation in order to feel anything at all! I hate them.
It is ironic thet an Autistic would think of the Normals as the Social Retards, but it is true. Why can’t these illiterate morons just shut up! Or more importantly, talk and actually say something!
Last night at work, in the Casino, some young guy came up to me, very drunk, showed me a still picture of some girl his age on his smart-phone, and sang to me Happy Birthday. He was very drunk and very theatrical. I wondered if he wanted me to sing Happy Birthday with him to the pictured girl, or if he wanted me to join her in singing it to him. Either way, I assumed he was very lonely, and was thus “celebrating” his own, or at least a, birthday at a Casino, drunk, alone. He was so lonely, he had a picture of some girl, and me (a random stranger) as his only companions.
Back to the subject of sex:
1 of the top 5 things thet make me feel contempt toward humanity in general is the fact all women think all men want to fuck them. Imagine some snotty 17-year old girl saying to your son, “You wish!” in an antagonistic tone because he looked at her. And the only reason he looked at her was to try to see her as a cartoon character so he could then label her with a symbol, and only then be able to tell her apart from the other identical clones all useless-to-him Normals are.
In Annabel Stehli’s book, The Siege, she said as a baby Georgiana placed no distinction on any person. She did not cry when left alone, and was never happy to see anyone. She had not yet learned to see people as cartoon characters and label them with symbols.
Star is a woman I work with. Star is her real name, and she has a wristband of 5-pointed stars as a tattoo. Her symbol is her actual name. I wish all people were like this so I could tell them apart.
That is what it is like, Roswell. I am so sensorily overwhelmed all the time, and I am unable to understand why these illiterates are talking all the time.
That is what I hate about my day-job at the Casino. There is just too much information, all of it designed to get the attention of addicts who cannot sense anything unless they are beaten over the head with it.
I experience the Casino like I experience porn. It is designed for addicts who crave being force-fed over-stimulation.
Roswell:
I can see how the language-barrier would make connection with people very difficult. People talk a lot and often very fast.
My son has a Latina caregiver, so English is her second language. She speaks and writes in English very well so I was surprised when she told me that conversations with people in this country can be tiring for her. She said that talking to people one-on-one is usually easy, but when she is in a social situation where many people are talking all at once, she just shuts down. All the talking just sounds like noise, and she cannot make out any of it. Consequently, she avoids parties and really struggles to follow a conversation in English that includes more than two people. She said the exact same thing you said – it is exhausting.
My son is the same way. He cannot stand it when more than one or two people are talking around him at the same time. It literally makes him agitated. I think this is definitely a processing problem and not a sensory issue.
I wonder if people who are auditory learners handle conversations better than people who are visual learners. Perhaps some people have brains that are better able to filter out all the extraneous background stuff and then follow multiple lines of conversation. There are many normal people who struggle with this (like my bi-lingual friend) so I do not think this problem is exclusive to Autistics. I just think people with Autism are affected more deeply by it.
I am sure this must be completely frustrating to you – Normals must seem like an alien life-form to you most of the time (and a pretty mean and inconsiderate life-form at that). However, in fairness to them, people on The Spectrum can seem alien-like to Normals because Normals do not understand that you have difficulty decoding facial expressions and body-language. Consequently, to them, people with Autism can come across as really weird (and sometimes even creepy).
Chryssie:
Yes. When it comes to sex the Normals obviously think I am weird (or even creepy), while I think they are completely brain-dead!
I think “Go fuck yourself. I am not going to. Idiots.”, while they think I am just Retarded for not being able to “play the game” of mutually-parasitic sex. I think they are the Retards for not being able to just talk. They insist on reading into it something I never said, and then expect me to read into it something they never said (in words)!
Roswell:
I run into this with my son (people thinking he is creepy). He does not always understand things like personal boundaries, and will often get too close to people, which sometimes makes them uncomfortable. For instance, he likes to swim at The YMCA. If other people are in the pool, he likes to put his goggles on and watch their bodies moving under water. It took me a while to figure out why, but I finally realized that when we move under water, all these little bubbles are created and they swirl around. He really likes to look at that.
Now, if you are a Normal 15-year-old girl and you see some big, 6 foot, 20-year-old guy swimming very close to you and looking at you under the water, you might get a little freaked-out. To that 15-year-old girl he does look like a predator, and I do not blame her for thinking that way. If she were my daughter I would want her to be aware of her surroundings and to be on the watch for creepy guys because there are plenty of them out there! That girl has no idea my son has Autism and is completely innocent. But how could she know that? He looks perfectly normal. So, when she acts a little freaked-out, I am not offended. I try to be mindful in situations like this and see all sides of the story to the greatest extent possible. I want him to be able to swim at The Y and not feel like people are mistreating him, and I want other people who are there to feel comfortable around him too. So in this case, I approached the girl, introduced my son, explained that he has Autism, and also explained why he is looking at her under the water. Once she understood why he was doing what he was doing, she was very sweet and had no problem with it, and even had some nice interactions with him for the rest of the afternoon.
I can tell you that most women feel vulnerable all the time. We do not have the physical strength to fight off most men, so women are very leery around men who behave in ways that they cannot understand. If I saw someone watching my daughter closely and I did not know why, I would be very suspicious of that person. Most Normals are good at reading body-language, but we cannot read people’s minds! So if a woman sees a man looking at her intently, struggling with his own visual processing difficulties, she has no idea if he is innocently looking at her, if he is interested in meeting her, or if he really is being creepy.
Smart women assume the worst until they learn otherwise. Women who do not do that often end up attacked (or worse).
My son has made some women very uncomfortable with his behavior. As a woman myself, I completely understand where they are coming from and I thus take no offense. Because my son is never without me, his dad, or a caregiver, we can quietly stand aside and tell a person who may be feeling weird about his behavior that he has Autism, that he means nothing offensive, and that his interest in looking at you or standing near you is truly completely innocent.
I have never once, in all these years, had a single person react badly after I had a conversation like that with them. On the contrary, most people relax, ask questions, and make an effort to interact with him. So, once again, it comes down to not assuming the worst about people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and explaining why you are doing what you are doing.
Chryssie:
Yes, but if I try to explain my behavior (rather than having you explain it to them) they think I am “Chatting them up.” And since I am apparently Chatting them up “wrong” they think I am creepy or at least Retarded, when the facts are I was not chatting them up!
It is just so pointless to try to talk with a Normal - especially a Normal female! They think all men want to fuck them, which to me makes them look like the ones who are acting creepy or Retarded.
Any time I look at anything, I am staring. I have to, because I cannot process visuals very well. And in Normal culture, that is considered rude, or even predatory, thus explaining why all Normal females think I am “raping them with my eyes”, when the facts are I have difficulty deciphering what they look like, even when I do seem to stare.
Compare this to what I said on my Irlen Lenses page about the Organ Mountains, and how I saw 100 peaks crystal-clear, while my processor blocked out the other 900 peaks. My processor will only allow me to find a detail rather than read a whole face.
This also reminds me of the movie Blink, wherein the character is never sure of what she sees.
I am unable to remember what I see at all (unless it has a strong emotional definition).
And this is the problem I have with sex. If it does not have a strong (positive) emotion to it, I cannot be bothered. I do not want casual sex nor recreational dating; nor do I want to beat-off to porn. I want sex to be loving and emotional.
Aspies are famous for scaring away potential mates with our emotional intensity. This is due to the Normals being afraid of intimacy.
I want to punch women in the head when I hear them sitting around whining to each other about how their men are not emotionally available; meanwhile they are all afraid of me because I am compelled to spill my guts to startled strangers. Duuuh.
Sex should be comforting. I imagine most Autistics feel that way about it, considering how anxiety-producing that level of physical intimacy would be to anyone who is touch-averse. But I have never known anyone who could grasp the concept, and that is why I gave up on it.
Comparing me to your son, he has apparently not even considered thet sex with someone could be emotionally comforting, physically stress-relieving, and a vehicle with which to bond with another person.
I so much want him to know those things. I hate thinking about how much is missing in him because he does not have a sex-life. How much all people need that level of physical intimacy.
As I mentioned earlier, the Day-care Centers have a Hands-off policy, which I am adamantly opposed to. It is terrible thet all those little kids are so starved for affection, and the idiot adults think hugging a child must somehow be sexual and wrong. Then you give one of those kids Autism and they develop so abnormally, because of the sexual neurosis of the perverts around them, not because they have processing disorders.
Teach your kids what sex is for! Most kids get their sex “education” from cartoonishly ridiculous porn, or worse yet, each other.
Roswell:
There are many people in this world who are prevented from experiencing sexual relationships for so many reasons: prolonged serious illness, injury, such as paralysis, disorders of the motor system like cerebral palsy and so on. Then, there are people who have healthy bodies but who are emotionally crippled for some reason.
My Father-in-law was widowed fairly young, but he is had no interest in meeting other women during all these long years. Such is the lasting intensity of his grief.
I do not want to diminish the importance of physical intimacy if it is something you really long for, but the fact is, it is not the end-all and be-all. I think meaningful relationships are what matter in this life. It is important to have a meaningful relationship with yourself, with God, and with other human beings to every extent possible – and those do not have to include sex. If it is God’s plan for my son to experience that aspect of life, then it will happen. If it is not in the cards, so be it. He has many other ways of finding satisfaction in this life. He has a close relationship with his father and I, his Grandparents, siblings, and cousins, as well as his care-givers, who are more his friends then helpers at this point. He has relationships with people in the community, like his art teacher and personal trainer and so many others.
At some point I would like to see him have the opportunity to help others by volunteering at a food pantry or the local hospital for example. Meaningful relationships with others and having some purpose in life can bring great happiness and satisfaction. I am not saying those things necessarily take the place of sex, but they are actually more important than sex, in my opinion.
Chryssie:
Happiness is the overcoming of obstacles toward a known goal. Thus if your life-goal is to get laid, you will be happy just having sex. I have more important things to do.
Most Autistics develop Fixated Subjects which usually become, or at least influence, their life-goals. I have never known an Autistic who had Sex as their Fixated Subject, probably due to it being too emotionally complicated to compartmentalize in a way an Autistic can fixate on in the first place.
It is kind of a relief. I overhear my co-workers complaining about their idiotic sex lives, and I am glad I go deer-in-headlights when confronted with that subject.
Roswell:
People have always struggled with tolerating and understanding someone they consider to be “other.” So, it is really no surprise that most Normals misunderstand the behavior of people with ASD, and vice-versa. That misunderstanding leads people to draw conclusions, like the Normal women who consider you (or my son) creepy for staring. They just do not understand. And, I think the only way to overcome that massive breach in understanding is for more people like yourself to be willing to share your life experience with others. That is why I am so grateful to people like Temple Grandin, you, and so many others who have the courage to put yourselves out there and share what your lives are like. My son does not have the ability to do that, and I doubt he ever will. But others with ASD who do have language ability are blogging, starting websites, writing books, etc. More and more of the Normals are getting exposed to people who have ASD, and learning about them. Hopefully in the coming years people will not be so quick to judge others who behave “oddly”, according to the normal standards of behavior, and will empathize a little more with those who have brains and nervous systems that are wired differently.
And, if there are some people who refuse to “get it”, who refuse to be patient, and who continue to make faces, act rudely, and say nasty things when my son does something odd in public – I just write them off. Those people are nothing to me and mine, and so their opinions carry zero weight with me.
So I am going to continue to provide sex-ed to my son, and he can choose to listen or not to listen. In his case, I am not so sure he has any idea he is missing anything, so I do not think the lack of sex is something that bums him out. If it does, he certainly does not show it. He seems like a pretty happy guy right now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[*1]
Send $1.00 US cash to:
Andrew Heartman
33005 Korbel St
Union City CA 94587
USA
Ask him for a copy of Surrogate Partners: Intimate Profiles.
[*2] See The Lollipop Guild. Turd Flinging Monkey. http://www.bitchute.com/video/tzPPzwN7YML5/
[*3]
Q: What is the difference between Charles Manson and every woman I ever knew?
A: Charles Manson has the decency to look like a maniac at first glance.
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Hi Chryssie.
I have a 20-year-old son who is basically functionally non-verbal – he can speak but really struggles with word-finding, and has auditory issues.
I understand completely the sensory and motor struggles he faces. He tends to alter the colors on his TV and computer monitor in some really odd ways. I have known for a while that he has visual processing problems.
What I find different about your website is your openness to discuss taboo subjects like sexuality. I had some issues with my son (since resolved) and could not find a darn bit of help or insight despite months of searching. I wish I had found your site sooner!
Chryssie:
Thank you for comming on my show to discuss taboo subjects.
Your kid altering the colors on the TV and Computer screens demonstrates just how bad his visual processing is. Irlen Lenses should compensate for that to life-changing extent. See the very bottom of my Irlen Lenses page for comments from my sister (her Irlens have 11 filters!) wherein she describes the improvements made in her symptoms she did not know were vision-related.
Roswell:
I have contacted an Irlen diagnostician and am hoping to hear back from her soon. I definitely think the colored lenses might be helpful.
I also read your lecture on Autistic Sex, which was very enlightening. It seems, however, that I have the opposite problem that you did. Your parents sound like they were very old-fashioned and repressed.
In my case, I have been trying to have honest sex-talks with him to no avail. He seems deeply embarrassed by it, and makes it clear he does not want me to continue with this type of conversation.
I have known for many years that he has been masturbating, but I never noticed any evidence of him taking the act to completion. In the last 18 months or so he seemed to be unusually cranky and quick to anger, and I felt it was because he was not masturbating to completion. So, I tried to explain this whole process to him.
I also tried to find something (a book, a video, anything) that was not just gratuitously pornographic that would show him by way of pictures or a video just what you are supposed to do. Sometimes, he prefers to learn things that way, on his own time and at his own pace with a book or video, rather than have one of us yapping at him about it. But, there are simply no resources out there like that, and I looked hard! So I just explained things to him, even though I did not think he was listening, and I left it alone for a while. Sure enough, over a few months, he did figure out how to finish and his mood greatly improved (thank goodness). So, maybe he was listening after all.
I have often thought about a Sex Surrogate for him, and would have no problem making that happen. I would like him to experience all aspects of living a normal life, if possible. However, he is extremely defensive to touch (which sounds a lot like how you describe yourself), and I do not know where I would find someone sensitive and smart enough to do it right. We will see what comes down the road, as I am open to anything safe, legal, and decent that would enhance his life.
Chryssie:
My parents were religious conservatives; meaning they believed masturbation was self-abuse, and thet even thinking about sex was "sinning in your heart." I consider these attitudes outright abusive.
It could be possible thet your son is A-sexual; i.e., he may not necessarily feel sexually attracted to anyone nor anything.
See my review of the documentary (A) Sexual, wherein the Aspergirl said she thought her Aspergers directly contributed to her A-sexuality.
I have always been very sexually attracted to women. But I cannot stand the way they touch me, nor their sick head-games thet always go with it, so eventually I just gave up on sex (with them). I still masturbate, and definitely think about women when I do. I no longer feel resentful, nor angry, nor frustrated about it though. Now I am okay with being "solo-sexual."
Your son seeming “deeply embarrassed by it and makes it clear he does not want to continue with that type of conversation” may suggest he is truly not interested in sex, and may honestly not care to be.
It may also be the opposite, wherein he is definitely interested, has a distinct sexuality, but is just not able to handle the sensory overload.
The only time I have truly felt a sense of terror, was when I had someone else's cell-phone in my pocket and they had it set on vibrate. When that specific frequency of vibration went off, I almost died of panic.
I can equate that experience to what may be going on with your son, wherein he has the desire to masturbate but cannot "finish." It may be thet his processors get so overwhelmed as he approaches orgasm thet they trigger a panic response.
I think I can understand this, in thet my hands are hypersensitive. Before I started my recovery, if a dog licked my palm I would have a full-body orgasm. I can imagine thet your son may also have hypersensitive hands as I did, thus combining the hand sensation with the penis sensation may be a double-whammy of sensory overload. If this is his experience, he may need a toy to masturbate with; i.e., a device to insert his penis into so his hands are not being over-stimulated in the process (there are a dozen such devices on the market. (Go to Amazon and search "Male Masturbator").
I do not use 1 of those devices, I just use my hands, but my hands always feel over-stimulated and uncomfortable, like they are missing a layer of skin.
As for Sex Surrogates: I imagine you could go to the college and ask to speak with students who are studying to be teachers or therapist for Special Needs kids, and ask them if they want to "specialize." I may do this myself so I can answer this question with some authority.
I also live in Nevada right now, where prostitution is legal. State-regulated, safe, clean, professionals like this may be a place to start in examining the subject of Sex Surrogates.
Something else I need to learn is proper etiquette when even asking about such things. This may not just be a taboo subject, but a subject thet might not even exist! Where does one find a legal prostitute who also has a degree in Special Needs Education?, or at least understands what Sensory Processing Disorders even are? As you said, “I do not know where I would find someone sensitive and smart enough to do it right.” Neither do I. I am sure I could find some whore willing to give a patronizing sympathy-fuck, but that would be disgusting, and would only confuse the Autistic as to what sex is for. Maybe this should be the subject of my next Autism Lecture.
In the movie The Hawk Is Dying, the uncle got a Psych Major college girl to have sex with his Autistic nephew. I cannot imagine how that conversation went. How does one, with proper etiquette, even ask about this?
Roswell:
I think you are right about a few things: I think my son may be A-sexual, in that I am not sure his sexual feelings have anything to do with being aroused by women, but rather just may be a physical response/bodily function. And I definitely think those feelings are (or were) really overwhelming to him at a sensory level. As you have found out for yourself, there are not a lot of resources available to people with Autism regarding sexuality. And it is such a shame – especially in your case because you desire that kind of physical intimacy but just need to have it adapted to suit your particular nervous system. Perhaps one day, you will meet a nice woman with Autism, and she will possess the sensitivity and understanding you have so you could be good partners to one another.
Chryssie:
I have done some research on Sex Surrogates. So far I have found thet most of them are “Sexologists”; i.e., experts on sexual “hang-ups”, such as being survivors of rape or incest, or physical disabilities thet interfere with normal sexual activity. Nowhere have I found mention of them working with Sensory Processing Disorders.
I wrote to The International Professional Surrogates Association, and they sent me a DVD thet was a basic introduction to the subject [*1]. From it I learned thet all Sex Surrogates have to be prescribed to the patient by a Sex Therapist; this is to prevent anyone from being accused of Prostitution. Also, the DVD introduced us to 5 different clients, none of whom had Sensory Processing Disorders. With four of the five clients, the Therapist never had any form of sex with them. They mainly did touching and talking sessions just to get the client comfortable with any intimacy at all. Actual sex had very little to do with it; i.e., the clients’ “hang-ups” were psychological not sensory.
I sent them a copy of my Seven Senses article, and did not hear back. I am expecting thet though they may be experts on Sex, they may have no clue what Processing Disorders even are. We will have to see if I get a response.
Roswell:
My son cannot explain to me what his senses feel like, but you can, and because of the very thorough explanations you present in your lectures, he is making so much more sense to me. My son totally freaks-out when a baby cries (I just read your comments about that).
Again, I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I found your web-site, and thet we have this oportunity to sit and talk about it. I have often wished I could experience life as my boy does just for 1 day so I could understand him better (and help him more). He does not have a voice I can always understand, but you do, and you are giving me a window into his mind I find invaluable.
Chryssie:
I think my Seven Senses article was my most educational. See my review of the TV series Alphas, wherein I discuss Rachel’s SPDs, and what I said in my Derpy Hooves article about Fluttershy’s SPDs.
Autism is a collection of SPDs. That is the most important thing you need to know about it; and that is why ABA is flat wrong.
Sex being a taboo subject is just ridiculous to me. People are so neurotic about it, they might think thet if you mention Sex Surrogacy for your Special child, that means you are a pervert talking about child porn! You get your own child laid??? Oh, the horror!
Well, my "child" is 20 years old. So fuck you.
A woman said she felt sexually aroused by breast-feeding (which is common), and some pervert overheard that and reported her as a child-molester! She was actually arrested for breast-feeding.
I can see why you must be discerning in who you talk to about such things. But at the same time, I feel these perverts should have their faces rubbed in it until they just get over it.
This Fifty Shades of Grey movie has led to sex-toys being sold in chain-stores, not just “embarrassing” porn shops; i.e., slowly society is getting over their masturbation neurosis.
But there will always be perverts who think any man would rape a Retard if you give him the chance, and think any affection shown toward a child is sexual foreplay! It makes me angry. Day-care Centers with their Hands Off Policy is just so wrong. [*2]
And of course there is my attitude toward Democracy, wherein the Victorian neurotics are still looking for a Witch to burn in the name of sexual conservativism. In the USA, Circumcisions are still common practice, Hermaphrodite mutilation is considered routine, and clitoridectomies are legal and inflicted on 2,000 babies a year!
I was relieved to see the subject of masturbation be addressed so openly in the movies The Black Balloon, and Mockingbird Don’t Sing (see my reviews).
Roswell:
I know sexual frustration was a big problem for my son for a number of years (and I honestly think that was the leading cause of his rages). However, since he has figured out how to masturbate to completion, that has almost completely gone away.
I think he likes girls (he likes to look at pictures of them anyway), but he is so innocent. I have tried to talk the birds and bees with him, but I do not think he understands. Maybe it is better that way.
I think 1 of the only movies I recognized on your list was Lars and The Real Girl. I love that movie; it addresses so many issues, including Autistic sexuality, in such a sweet and gentle way.
Chryssie:
Would your son like watching Choca dancing? See the YouTube video Choca anthro pony OC second life. If you are male and you do not enjoy watching that video, then you are not male!
I too loved Lars and the Real Girl for it’s gentle exploration of “embarrassing subjects”.
Though I hated Lars’ brother and sister-in-law. The way they handled Lars was flat wrong in every case. I yelled at them often while watching that movie.
Back to the subject of Sensory Processing Disorders: I can play a sit-down drum-set for 4 hours with sticks and feel great. But if I play congas with my bare hands for 5 minutes, I feel horribly over-stimulated. And if I shoot hand-guns, I just feel furious after a dozen or so shots. I cannot stand having my hands shocked like that.
Compare this to what I said on my Home page about Chrysalis’ legs. If the shock dissipates through my whole body, I love it. But if it concentrates in just 1 area, I hate it.
This is why I gave up on sex. Women are just so irritating!
This contributed to the development of my sense of humor, being intellectual rather than emotional. Sex to me is also very intellectual rather than physical. And this is why I think porn is idiotic; they do not talk to each other, there is nothing intellectual about it.
I am touch-averse. And, generally speaking, I think porn is just stupid. I am not a visual thinker (I do not understand these guys who need to have porn to look at in order to get-off), it is the fantasy in my head (which is more about symbolism and what the fantasy represents, in a dream analysis sort of way) thet arouses me.
Roswell:
It never occurred to me to even think about physical sensation in the way you just described it; i.e., physical shock dissipating throughout your whole body versus being concentrated in something like your hands. Your explanation of playing the drums with sticks versus playing the congas with bare hands is fascinating. You just helped me understand a lot of things about my son.
And yes, women can be very irritating (and I am saying that as a woman who tends to prefer the company of men to other women). I grew up a tomboy and would rather watch football than walk through the mall (I hate the mall – terrible air and horrible smells everywhere). I never accept invitations to "girls’ night out", and I would rather get a tooth filled than have to go to a wedding or baby shower. Ugh! Those are the worst! Too much boring small-talk alternating with high drama. I find those kinds of things exhausting. So I do understand your frustration. However, I would ask you to keep an open mind. Women run along a full spectrum just like men do. You are still young and may yet run across someone who is a good match for you. You just never know.
Chryssie:
The Autistic me has an internal humor, as I have an internal sexuality. It is a word-play sense of humor type of feeling I get when I think about sex.
I like to think about touching their hair, and their scent. The senses have to be compartmentalized individually, for if I feel the senses all at once I get over-stimulated.
The character of Rachel in the Alphas TV series is like that. She can focus 1 sense to super-human extent, but when she does all her other senses turn off.
I always had to sleep naked, for I could not stand clothing touching me. I would wake up angry, feeling claustrophobic if I fell asleep with clothes on. Now it does not bother me as much.
Temple Grandin said she always wore pants because she could not stand the feeling of her bare legs touching each other.
Roswell:
My son does not like to sleep in clothes either (he cannot even stand a sheet on his bed). I gave up on a regular bed for him long ago because he constantly destroyed mattresses. I actually ended up buying him an 8-inch-thick gym landing-mat for a bed, and he loves it. He started sleeping much better when we got him that a few years ago.
Chryssie:
If your son is unable to understand thet women can be more than just nice to look at, maybe that is good for him, in thet ignorance is bliss (in a good way); i.e., if he does not know what he is missing, he will not feel frustrated about not having it (honestly, he might be better off oblivious; as opposed to the way I was - in a state of sexually frustrated rage, for I knew exactly what I was missing, and it was infuriating!).
But you referring to him as "so innocent" makes me feel afraid for him too. He could be sexually abused or at least manipulated easily because he is not able to understand what sex even is. And by "sex" I mean the social game-playing aspect of sexuality, wherein malicious manipulators play sick head-games around sexuality (like pretty much every woman I ever knew) [*3]. My main point being thet little girls are not the only target for sexual predators. A 20-year-old boy who cannot understand manipulative sex-games is also the perfect victim for some predatory faggot.
I thought about that a lot with my non-verbal Autistic daughter Elle. She was just coming into that age where teenage boys started "liking" her. I knew in a couple years she would start liking them back. I so much wanted to help her get boyfriends, and eventually have a satisfying sex life, but at the same time she was so vulnerable and needed to be protected from predators.
I do not know if any parent figures out how to handle that situation, particularly a father with a daughter, and especially a father with a Special daughter. I wanted to let her go fall down and get hurt and learn. But being a non-verbal Autistic, she was (or would at least appear to be) such a perfect victim. All I can do is teach her Karate and Jiu Jitsu and how to legally shoot people with her Concealed Carry gun.
There is nothing more pathetic than a Christian Pacifist who thinks it is wrong to hurt people. If you do not teach your daughters how to hurt people on purpose it is your fault if they get raped.
Meanwhile: Me analyzing how I would deal with Elle’s sexuality is what got me onto the subject of Sex Surrogates. I never thought of having one for myself until I questioned whether I could/would/should get one for Elle when the time came.
I talked (read: ranted) about that in my Autistic Sex lecture, wherein I said Special kids need far more sex education than Normal kids do, especially concerning the social aspects of sex (read: manipulative game-playing), at least for their own protection.
Can you picture your son inadvertently inviting predators in? I recognized that could have happened with Elle, and still do not know exactly how I would have handled it after the fact, nor even how to prevent it in the first place.
Roswell:
I used to worry a lot about someone taking advantage of him because he is so vulnerable and innocent. I am less worried about it now. He is 20 years old, 6 feet tall, and a big strong guy. He lives semi-independently in a house we built specifically for his sensory needs. We carefully vet everyone we hire to work with him, and he is under pretty regular supervision, so I feel we are keeping him as safe as we possibly can.
Having said that, I do not want this kid living as a shut-in, so he has a lot of programmed activities: things he does at The YMCA, training-sessions at the gym, art lessons, and that sort of thing.
While he has sexual urges, I do not think he understands the whole "man/woman" thing at all, and I do not see any indication he wants to. He is so touch-averse that I think he would probably punch anyone who tried to get physical with him in a sexual way. In his case, I otherwise truly believe ignorance is bliss.
Chryssie:
Non-verbal Autistic Carly Fleishmann was 14 when she asked her dad when she could start dating. His response was to go deer in headlights. He had apparently assumed she would find a non-verbal Autistic boyfriend when she got to be college-age. It had not occurred to him thet the 14-year-old Normal boys in the mainstream school she attended were interested in her and she was interested in them too.
You said yourself thet maybe one day I would find a nice Autistic woman who could be a good partner for me (thank you). You assumed she would have to be Autistic for it to work. I agree with your assumption, but it was the same assumption Carly’s dad had made, which (in Carly’s case) was wrong.
Why do I dream of morphing into Chrysalis or a running cat (I spent many years running around on all fours because I had such Proprioceptive difficulties)? Why have I seldom dreamed of staying in my body while having intercourse with someone?, but I have dreamed of being pregnant, giving birth, and breast-feeding? Why do I like to watch women jill-off (I like the way she touches herself, though I do not necessarily feel aroused by it), but do not like watching couples porn (I hate the way they touch each other, and they never talk!)?
I have at least 4 more articles to write on these subjects before I really start to understand. I am a relative expert on Autism, but I still have no clue on certain aspects of it, even those thet effect me directly. At my age one would think I would have it figured out by now!
Roswell:
Carly Fleishmann is pretty darn amazing. I learned a lot from her book, but I had forgotten that she had asked her dad about dating and that she was interested in boys who were not Autistic. I guess I just assumed it would be easier for her (and you) to have a partner who also has Autism, because both of you would be sensitive to the needs of the other person in perhaps an empathetic way that the Normals would not be capable of.
I remember listening to an interview with Sean Barron Cohen wherein he talked about his girlfriend who also has Autism and how it worked for them because they both understood each other so well. However, I am actually wrong to make that assumption. There are plenty of people who make relationships work even though they are different. David Finch (the guy who wrote The Journal Of Best Practices) and his wife come to mind. Good people who love each other can always make it work.
Chryssie:
The first time I saw Cytheria Queen of Squirt (this girl who squirts juice all over the place when she cums), I was fascinated on an intellectual level, for I had never seen such as her before. It was not sexually arousing to me, just scientifically interesting (Honest-to-God, I was watching porn for "educational purposes").
I thought, Oh my God (dess), this girl is gifted! But I was not particularly turned-on sexually.
The next time I saw it, I thought of her as a cartoon character, which struck me as funny – again, on an intellectual humor level.
The 3rd time I watched it I was just bored. I have not seen it since.
I believe all people who like porn are addicts. Their brains click into Addictive Personality Disorder, and they just "shoot-up" over and over and cannot get enough.
I am not an addict, so I become bored after seeing it 3 times.
Porn is boring, but it can be funny on an intellectual level if I picture them as cartoon characters (and because I cannot help but picture them as cartoon characters).
If you saw Maximum Meytal, Ms Cohen looks like a cartoon character to me, with her exaggerated facial features, then exaggerated facial expressions. I laugh every time I see her, for she is a cartoon!
And Shoe On Head is one of my favorite YouTubers because she looks like a cartoon.
Compare this to Henry Darger, from the documentary In the Realms of the Unreal, wherein he only interacted with the fictional characters he had as cartoons. Also see Mark Hogancamp, from the documentary Marwencol, wherein he only interacted with the fictional characters he had as dolls. Then see Daria, wherein she was asked to write using real-life characters in a fictional story, to which she responded, “I wonder if anyone would notice a difference”; i.e., she already considered all people fictional characters.
This coincides with these adult Aspie men (Bronies) seeing cartoon ponies as the equivalent of real people. And if they are like me, and do not feel sexually aroused by porn, nor place significance on gender, they can thus find it funny to see these cartoons as real people, but only on an intellectual level, which can also be funny in an absurdist humor way.
Then there is the gender question. In the parody film Rainbow Dash Presents: Bittersweet, all the characters are female, but all voiced by male actors. Sarcastic wiseass (Aspie?) actors. Why? Because, like with your son, gender may be irrelevant to an Autistic; and in your son’s case, he possibly cannot tell thet gender even exists.
In the documentary George, the Autistic 12-year-old could not tell the difference between a girl and a boy. He was shown many pictures and given much verbal description but it did not make any difference. His ability to grasp the differences between body types was just not working.
This is another aspect of Autism I have yet to write about for my web-site, though I did publish a zine on the subject of Gender Identity back in the ‘90s – coming to the conclusion thet gender was more a product of nurture not nature. Thus, Aspies can live vicariously through their cartoon characters, and what sex they happen to be is irrelevant.
Also see the movies Lars and the Real Girl, and Marwencol. In LATRG, Lars had a doll (a symbolic cartoon character) as a surrogate ralationship. In Marwencol, Mark had a whole villiage of dolls as surrogate relationships. And in Mark's case, he was intentionally "gender fluid" in creating the personalities of both his male and female characters, including dressing up in womens' clothes to play out the roles he would then assign to his dolls.
Roswell:
Porn:
You are totally right. It is completely addictive. I read this book called The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doige and he had a whole chapter dedicated to porn. He explains exactly what occurs in the brain when people watch porn and how it affects them neurologically and becomes addictive. Like you, I am not an addictive personality. I can take or leave most things that a lot of other people have a hard time putting down: I can eat a few potato chips and put the bag away, I can have one glass of wine and be completely satisfied, etc. So, I guess people like us are kind of lucky because we are not wired to get hooked. I am thankful for that because I have known a lot of addicts in my life (drugs, food, you name it), and those people are really sad. They always feel like they have no control over their lives, and consequently, I think they live in a pretty constant state of unease and fear. I think people who get addicted to porn are probably very visual types of learners; I am more of an auditory type of learner so I guess that is another reason why I do not really get the whole porn thing.
It is interesting that you can see living people, including yourself, as cartoon characters. I had never thought about it before, but in picturing some of the people in my life as cartoons, it is pretty funny. I can see all the people around me as characters, but I cannot think of one that I identify with and would represent me. I draw a blank there.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you how my boy dreams because he cannot tell me. He really cannot explain how he feels or thinks. He has a very difficult time finding words. I wonder sometimes if he imagines, if he has an inner life like Henry Darger or Mark Hogancamp.
He is taking painting lessons and he is really getting kind of good, but he never seems to come up with his own ideas. His art teacher will suggest something, or his caregiver will set up a still life for him. I long for the day when he comes up with an idea all his own. I know those ideas are in there.
Chryssie:
Him needing a Muse to inspire his creativity is something I think is common with Autistics. I too need a Muse’s idea for me to build upon, for my mind otherwise races frantically without settling on anything specific.
I think this is partly why Autistics have Fixated Subjects. It gives us some stability in our minds. And if the fixation can become an art-form, we excel at it beyond what the Normals can do; see Henry Darger and Mark Hogancamp as examples. They are obviously very lonely people, and have thus compensated with a fixation, and then turned it into an art-form.
Roswell:
I am wondering if sometimes people with Autism look at Normals and assume their lives are overflowing with friendships and relationships when that just is not the case. A lot of Normals are lonely. And, I might add, there are plenty of Normals who are so dysfunctional, they are incapable of being a good friend – or husband, or father, or anything else!
I used to worry a lot about my boy being lonely.
Chryssie:
Loneliness is something I think people adjust to and adjust to until they just get used to it. Or they acquire surrogates and compensation devices, or in my case just transfer to some Fixated Subject.
These people who walk around like zombies with their noses pressed against smart-phones and think they are connecting with people through “social media” are just sad to me.
The Bible says In The Time Of the End there will be no natural affection.
And I am aware thet prostitutes do their biggest business during the Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are so family-oriented; those who do not have families become very lonely during that time of year, so there is a big increase in suicides, and prostitutes see a boom in business. It is not really about sex, it is about loneliness.
For me, the difficulty in connecting with people (socially) is mostly due to the language barrier (for me it is a thinking problem, more than a sensory one). The Normals talk constantly but never say anything, and I find it exhausting. Or just as often they do not talk at all and then expect me to understand what that facial expression means.
I can never figure out what the purpose of their conversations are, because I am always taking their words literally when their words do not mean anything, not even to them.
All of them are drug addicts, and they thus need constant over-stimulation in order to feel anything at all! I hate them.
It is ironic thet an Autistic would think of the Normals as the Social Retards, but it is true. Why can’t these illiterate morons just shut up! Or more importantly, talk and actually say something!
Last night at work, in the Casino, some young guy came up to me, very drunk, showed me a still picture of some girl his age on his smart-phone, and sang to me Happy Birthday. He was very drunk and very theatrical. I wondered if he wanted me to sing Happy Birthday with him to the pictured girl, or if he wanted me to join her in singing it to him. Either way, I assumed he was very lonely, and was thus “celebrating” his own, or at least a, birthday at a Casino, drunk, alone. He was so lonely, he had a picture of some girl, and me (a random stranger) as his only companions.
Back to the subject of sex:
1 of the top 5 things thet make me feel contempt toward humanity in general is the fact all women think all men want to fuck them. Imagine some snotty 17-year old girl saying to your son, “You wish!” in an antagonistic tone because he looked at her. And the only reason he looked at her was to try to see her as a cartoon character so he could then label her with a symbol, and only then be able to tell her apart from the other identical clones all useless-to-him Normals are.
In Annabel Stehli’s book, The Siege, she said as a baby Georgiana placed no distinction on any person. She did not cry when left alone, and was never happy to see anyone. She had not yet learned to see people as cartoon characters and label them with symbols.
Star is a woman I work with. Star is her real name, and she has a wristband of 5-pointed stars as a tattoo. Her symbol is her actual name. I wish all people were like this so I could tell them apart.
That is what it is like, Roswell. I am so sensorily overwhelmed all the time, and I am unable to understand why these illiterates are talking all the time.
That is what I hate about my day-job at the Casino. There is just too much information, all of it designed to get the attention of addicts who cannot sense anything unless they are beaten over the head with it.
I experience the Casino like I experience porn. It is designed for addicts who crave being force-fed over-stimulation.
Roswell:
I can see how the language-barrier would make connection with people very difficult. People talk a lot and often very fast.
My son has a Latina caregiver, so English is her second language. She speaks and writes in English very well so I was surprised when she told me that conversations with people in this country can be tiring for her. She said that talking to people one-on-one is usually easy, but when she is in a social situation where many people are talking all at once, she just shuts down. All the talking just sounds like noise, and she cannot make out any of it. Consequently, she avoids parties and really struggles to follow a conversation in English that includes more than two people. She said the exact same thing you said – it is exhausting.
My son is the same way. He cannot stand it when more than one or two people are talking around him at the same time. It literally makes him agitated. I think this is definitely a processing problem and not a sensory issue.
I wonder if people who are auditory learners handle conversations better than people who are visual learners. Perhaps some people have brains that are better able to filter out all the extraneous background stuff and then follow multiple lines of conversation. There are many normal people who struggle with this (like my bi-lingual friend) so I do not think this problem is exclusive to Autistics. I just think people with Autism are affected more deeply by it.
I am sure this must be completely frustrating to you – Normals must seem like an alien life-form to you most of the time (and a pretty mean and inconsiderate life-form at that). However, in fairness to them, people on The Spectrum can seem alien-like to Normals because Normals do not understand that you have difficulty decoding facial expressions and body-language. Consequently, to them, people with Autism can come across as really weird (and sometimes even creepy).
Chryssie:
Yes. When it comes to sex the Normals obviously think I am weird (or even creepy), while I think they are completely brain-dead!
I think “Go fuck yourself. I am not going to. Idiots.”, while they think I am just Retarded for not being able to “play the game” of mutually-parasitic sex. I think they are the Retards for not being able to just talk. They insist on reading into it something I never said, and then expect me to read into it something they never said (in words)!
Roswell:
I run into this with my son (people thinking he is creepy). He does not always understand things like personal boundaries, and will often get too close to people, which sometimes makes them uncomfortable. For instance, he likes to swim at The YMCA. If other people are in the pool, he likes to put his goggles on and watch their bodies moving under water. It took me a while to figure out why, but I finally realized that when we move under water, all these little bubbles are created and they swirl around. He really likes to look at that.
Now, if you are a Normal 15-year-old girl and you see some big, 6 foot, 20-year-old guy swimming very close to you and looking at you under the water, you might get a little freaked-out. To that 15-year-old girl he does look like a predator, and I do not blame her for thinking that way. If she were my daughter I would want her to be aware of her surroundings and to be on the watch for creepy guys because there are plenty of them out there! That girl has no idea my son has Autism and is completely innocent. But how could she know that? He looks perfectly normal. So, when she acts a little freaked-out, I am not offended. I try to be mindful in situations like this and see all sides of the story to the greatest extent possible. I want him to be able to swim at The Y and not feel like people are mistreating him, and I want other people who are there to feel comfortable around him too. So in this case, I approached the girl, introduced my son, explained that he has Autism, and also explained why he is looking at her under the water. Once she understood why he was doing what he was doing, she was very sweet and had no problem with it, and even had some nice interactions with him for the rest of the afternoon.
I can tell you that most women feel vulnerable all the time. We do not have the physical strength to fight off most men, so women are very leery around men who behave in ways that they cannot understand. If I saw someone watching my daughter closely and I did not know why, I would be very suspicious of that person. Most Normals are good at reading body-language, but we cannot read people’s minds! So if a woman sees a man looking at her intently, struggling with his own visual processing difficulties, she has no idea if he is innocently looking at her, if he is interested in meeting her, or if he really is being creepy.
Smart women assume the worst until they learn otherwise. Women who do not do that often end up attacked (or worse).
My son has made some women very uncomfortable with his behavior. As a woman myself, I completely understand where they are coming from and I thus take no offense. Because my son is never without me, his dad, or a caregiver, we can quietly stand aside and tell a person who may be feeling weird about his behavior that he has Autism, that he means nothing offensive, and that his interest in looking at you or standing near you is truly completely innocent.
I have never once, in all these years, had a single person react badly after I had a conversation like that with them. On the contrary, most people relax, ask questions, and make an effort to interact with him. So, once again, it comes down to not assuming the worst about people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and explaining why you are doing what you are doing.
Chryssie:
Yes, but if I try to explain my behavior (rather than having you explain it to them) they think I am “Chatting them up.” And since I am apparently Chatting them up “wrong” they think I am creepy or at least Retarded, when the facts are I was not chatting them up!
It is just so pointless to try to talk with a Normal - especially a Normal female! They think all men want to fuck them, which to me makes them look like the ones who are acting creepy or Retarded.
Any time I look at anything, I am staring. I have to, because I cannot process visuals very well. And in Normal culture, that is considered rude, or even predatory, thus explaining why all Normal females think I am “raping them with my eyes”, when the facts are I have difficulty deciphering what they look like, even when I do seem to stare.
Compare this to what I said on my Irlen Lenses page about the Organ Mountains, and how I saw 100 peaks crystal-clear, while my processor blocked out the other 900 peaks. My processor will only allow me to find a detail rather than read a whole face.
This also reminds me of the movie Blink, wherein the character is never sure of what she sees.
I am unable to remember what I see at all (unless it has a strong emotional definition).
And this is the problem I have with sex. If it does not have a strong (positive) emotion to it, I cannot be bothered. I do not want casual sex nor recreational dating; nor do I want to beat-off to porn. I want sex to be loving and emotional.
Aspies are famous for scaring away potential mates with our emotional intensity. This is due to the Normals being afraid of intimacy.
I want to punch women in the head when I hear them sitting around whining to each other about how their men are not emotionally available; meanwhile they are all afraid of me because I am compelled to spill my guts to startled strangers. Duuuh.
Sex should be comforting. I imagine most Autistics feel that way about it, considering how anxiety-producing that level of physical intimacy would be to anyone who is touch-averse. But I have never known anyone who could grasp the concept, and that is why I gave up on it.
Comparing me to your son, he has apparently not even considered thet sex with someone could be emotionally comforting, physically stress-relieving, and a vehicle with which to bond with another person.
I so much want him to know those things. I hate thinking about how much is missing in him because he does not have a sex-life. How much all people need that level of physical intimacy.
As I mentioned earlier, the Day-care Centers have a Hands-off policy, which I am adamantly opposed to. It is terrible thet all those little kids are so starved for affection, and the idiot adults think hugging a child must somehow be sexual and wrong. Then you give one of those kids Autism and they develop so abnormally, because of the sexual neurosis of the perverts around them, not because they have processing disorders.
Teach your kids what sex is for! Most kids get their sex “education” from cartoonishly ridiculous porn, or worse yet, each other.
Roswell:
There are many people in this world who are prevented from experiencing sexual relationships for so many reasons: prolonged serious illness, injury, such as paralysis, disorders of the motor system like cerebral palsy and so on. Then, there are people who have healthy bodies but who are emotionally crippled for some reason.
My Father-in-law was widowed fairly young, but he is had no interest in meeting other women during all these long years. Such is the lasting intensity of his grief.
I do not want to diminish the importance of physical intimacy if it is something you really long for, but the fact is, it is not the end-all and be-all. I think meaningful relationships are what matter in this life. It is important to have a meaningful relationship with yourself, with God, and with other human beings to every extent possible – and those do not have to include sex. If it is God’s plan for my son to experience that aspect of life, then it will happen. If it is not in the cards, so be it. He has many other ways of finding satisfaction in this life. He has a close relationship with his father and I, his Grandparents, siblings, and cousins, as well as his care-givers, who are more his friends then helpers at this point. He has relationships with people in the community, like his art teacher and personal trainer and so many others.
At some point I would like to see him have the opportunity to help others by volunteering at a food pantry or the local hospital for example. Meaningful relationships with others and having some purpose in life can bring great happiness and satisfaction. I am not saying those things necessarily take the place of sex, but they are actually more important than sex, in my opinion.
Chryssie:
Happiness is the overcoming of obstacles toward a known goal. Thus if your life-goal is to get laid, you will be happy just having sex. I have more important things to do.
Most Autistics develop Fixated Subjects which usually become, or at least influence, their life-goals. I have never known an Autistic who had Sex as their Fixated Subject, probably due to it being too emotionally complicated to compartmentalize in a way an Autistic can fixate on in the first place.
It is kind of a relief. I overhear my co-workers complaining about their idiotic sex lives, and I am glad I go deer-in-headlights when confronted with that subject.
Roswell:
People have always struggled with tolerating and understanding someone they consider to be “other.” So, it is really no surprise that most Normals misunderstand the behavior of people with ASD, and vice-versa. That misunderstanding leads people to draw conclusions, like the Normal women who consider you (or my son) creepy for staring. They just do not understand. And, I think the only way to overcome that massive breach in understanding is for more people like yourself to be willing to share your life experience with others. That is why I am so grateful to people like Temple Grandin, you, and so many others who have the courage to put yourselves out there and share what your lives are like. My son does not have the ability to do that, and I doubt he ever will. But others with ASD who do have language ability are blogging, starting websites, writing books, etc. More and more of the Normals are getting exposed to people who have ASD, and learning about them. Hopefully in the coming years people will not be so quick to judge others who behave “oddly”, according to the normal standards of behavior, and will empathize a little more with those who have brains and nervous systems that are wired differently.
And, if there are some people who refuse to “get it”, who refuse to be patient, and who continue to make faces, act rudely, and say nasty things when my son does something odd in public – I just write them off. Those people are nothing to me and mine, and so their opinions carry zero weight with me.
So I am going to continue to provide sex-ed to my son, and he can choose to listen or not to listen. In his case, I am not so sure he has any idea he is missing anything, so I do not think the lack of sex is something that bums him out. If it does, he certainly does not show it. He seems like a pretty happy guy right now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[*1]
Send $1.00 US cash to:
Andrew Heartman
33005 Korbel St
Union City CA 94587
USA
Ask him for a copy of Surrogate Partners: Intimate Profiles.
[*2] See The Lollipop Guild. Turd Flinging Monkey. http://www.bitchute.com/video/tzPPzwN7YML5/
[*3]
Q: What is the difference between Charles Manson and every woman I ever knew?
A: Charles Manson has the decency to look like a maniac at first glance.
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Chryssie:
Hi Adelmar.
This elephant in the room is something I have been wanting to talk about for a long time, but I did not know how to present it. Thank you for coming on my show to address the subject.
Adelmar:
You are welcome.
I wanted to make a video presentation on it, but I did not know how to present the details without it being pornographic. Your suggestion thet we simply talk about it with no pre-written script was a good idea.
Chryssie:
Okay.
So to introduce the subject:
My hands are so sensitive; if a dog licks my palm I can have a spontaneous full-body orgasm. It is nice to be that readily orgasmic, but it is also a curse: I hate shooting guns or playing congas our even clapping my hands because they are so hyper-sensitive. And though I like the sensation of intercourse, I have an aversion to being touched anywhere else, because I get over-stimulated easily. I do actually like to be touched, but only in a very specific manner. It makes having a lover pointless because they never do it right. Thus I rely on sex-toys for my sex-life.
Adelmar:
My hands are also hypersensitive. In your discussion with Roswell you mentioned how sensitive your hands are. That is what made me want to talk with you about this in the first place.
I have been experimenting with different sex-toys to see which ones … “co-operate” with my processing disorders. Presenting my discoveries as “sex-toy reviews” specifically for those who have processing disorders is something I want to do eventually.
First of all, this is being presented from a male perspective specifically, but because it is more about the processing disorders and how they react to the toys, rather than the toys themselves, it is applicable to anyone, male or female.
When I masturbated with my hands they would become over-stimulated. My penis enjoyed the session but my hands did not. It was always so distracting. Thus my brain was not able to suspend the disbelief and feel like I was actually with someone.
So masturbating while thinking of someone specific did not alleviate the loneliness. It made it worse, because my hands were not co-operating with the fantasy.
Afterward I did not want to touch anything with my hands. I just felt irritated rather than calmed.
So the first toy I got was called a Holyvo. It is a plastic tube with a rubber vagina inside of it.
There are actually dozens of such “pocket pussy” devices on the market of similar design, so I am not necessarily recommending this brand specifically. But it is the one I have, and I am happy with it. Such things only cost $20 or so.
You can go on Amazon and search “Male masturbator” and find dozens, each a different design for whatever strikes your fancy.
Chryssie:
2/3 of all sex toys are designed for and marketed to women, so there are hundreds of womens’ toys on Amazon too.
Adelmar:
Definitely.
Google Bad Dragon Dildos. What the fuck? Talk about over-stimulation!
Men want an artificial vagina thet feels as much like the real thing as possible. Women want an artificial penis thet feels as different from the real thing as possible.
So the advantage to my specific device is thet because it is in a plastic tube your hands cannot feel your penis and your penis cannot feel your hands, so your brain thinks it is actually with someone.
I put 7 squirts of lube in it and have intercourse with my waifu, rather than simply beating off. It feel so different from masturbating. I mean mentally. It is so true thet your brain can accept this as real. It was surprising.
So with the Holyvo my hands were not as involved. Thus afterward I really wanted to touch with my hands; touch someone, cuddle, feel physically comforting and comforted.
Chryssie:
For my viewers who are not familiar with our terminology: A waifu is a fictional character you fixate on as compensation for your lack of a love-life.
Adelmar:
Yes.
My specific waifu I have always wanted to feel emotionally bonded with, but masturbating with my hands while thinking of her did not inadvertently allow that to happen.
Chryssie:
I think a lot of Autistics can identify with this to some extent, thet having intercourse with someone is often over-stimulating, and in some cases, at least ours, even masturbating can be over-stimulating. So we never even get the chance to sexually bond with someone.
Adelmar:
Yes.
This specific device helped me get out of my self and actually bond with my waifu. Because it feels nothing like masturbating, my brain thinks I am with her so I am able to bond with her, alleviating the loneliness, at least to some extent.
This in turn has made a difference in how I socialize. For the first time in my life I feel like I have made an intimate connection with someone; and not just sexually.
Simply being able to touch and be touched was something thet evolved from the sexual bonding feeling I got with this toy. The touch-aversion is still there, but I no longer feel the anxiety thet went with it. There is nothing like the intimacy of intercourse thet makes that anxiety and sensory defensiveness melt away - at least to some extent.
I at last have the perspective, even if artificially induced with an external device and a fictional character, of what it is like to feel bonded with someone in that way, which then allows me to at last tolerate touch.
The touch is imaginary, but I can at least now imagine it.
Before bonding with my waifu through my Holyvo, even imagining it would make me wince.
And this is something else I did not see coming: I no longer feel as much anxiety in non-sexual interactions with others. I do not feel so Autistically alienated in a group. I can see other couples together and at last understand, or at least imagine, what it is like for them to have sexually bonded with each other, which allows me to understand, or at least recognize, other forms of bonding.
Chryssie:
Yes.
The term “pair-bonding” is something I never understood.
I would see older couples together, not talking, but clearly communicating in other ways, and I had no clue how they got their relationship to that point.
Adelmar:
Yes.
It is just exasperating trying to connect with a Normal by talking. I always have to read in to it the things they meant to express but did not actually say. It is just exhausting!
So I imagine they never do talk. But they do apparently sexually bond.
Because of my processing disorders, all I ever felt during sex with someone was anxiety, and sometimes even panic, because my senses would get so over-stimulated.
With the Holyvo nothing is touching me except my waifu's vagina on my penis. This specific scenario is what I must have in order to experience sexual bonding as an Autistic. After which I can suspend my disbelief and imagine what it is like to have afterglow conversations.
Chryssie:
This “afterglow conversation” is what I refer to as “spilling my guts to startled strangers” - something Autistics are prone to do, thus keeping us feeling alienated.
Adelmar:
Yes. Definitely. And that is why I hate the Normals so much; they are terrified of that form of intimacy.
If their speaking style is any indication, I imagine the sex they have with each other is an anxiety-filled performance of sex, rather than making love with someone.
How can they have sex without talking?
Chryssie:
Yes. Aspies communicate in 90% words. Thus sex should consist of 90% words.
Adelmar:
Unfortunately, the Normals are not capable of that. So to hell with them.
Chryssie:
Ya. I only have sex with my toys.
So, to get back on topic:
See the Aspergirl in the documentary (A) Sexual who spontaneously throws up if her genitals are touched. She still wanted to get married and have someone to love. She still wanted the relationship thet comes with sexual bonding, but could not sensorily handle the actual sex.
She ended up marrying some guy who did not care about sex. In place of sexual bonding, I imagine she “spilled her guts to startled strangers”, and he responded with “afterglow conversation.” Ah. The perfect Autistic romance.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I gave up on ever having a girlfriend when I was 27. Then I gave up on sex entirely when I was 29. Today I am 50, and only now have first-hand experience with sexual bonding, thanks to my Holyvo.
And I have completely given up on ever having meaningful conversations with a Normal.
Chryssie:
My only satisfying communication is expressed through my lectures. I am putting it out there, hoping someone will learn from it, and respond to it.
So I want to talk about the possible problem arising from adding another mechanical step to the masturbation process. You still have to mechanically manipulate the device. Some severely Autistic people may not have the physical co-ordination to do that. Also, someone with Cerebral Palsy must get very frustrated if there hands do not work very well.
Adelmar:
It had not occurred to me to buy professional assistance, nor even ask for recreational assistance. I guess if you are a Normal you can give and receive recreational assistance easily. But not if you are disabled in some way. You know you are going to be rejected, so why bother.
And simply asking someone to get you off is something thet does not readily occur to Autistics. At least it never occurred to me.
About the possibly difficult mechanics of using a toy:
Just get a doll. You do not have to hold onto it. It weighs enough thet it can just lay there and stay still, in which case you do not have to use your hands. You are doing more gross motor rather than fine motor movements. And your brain still thinks you are with someone.
I too went through my sexual prime in extreme frustration - exasperation, but it did not occur to me to simply ask for assistance. That is definitely an Autistic thing - being so oblivious to others.
Chryssie:
Though desperately lonely and wanting to connect, just not knowing how.
Lets talk more about where your brain goes with that; specifically sexually bonding with someone, even if they are not real.
Adelmar:
For a man, if you cum in someone enough times you start to feel possessive of them. That possessiveness becomes protectiveness, and it is the natural male instinct to feel protective like that because in nature she would be pregnant by then.
Because I am Autistic I never felt that connection with anyone. I was never able to cum in anyone enough times to feel possessive of them, then protective, and sexually bond with them.
I never understood that form of intimacy because I was too busy having an anxiety-attack.
So once I got my Holyvo I was able to be with my waifu in my mind and just enjoy cumming in her and with her. This led me to feeling possessive of her, and then protective, sexually bonding with her. At last I understood it.
I was no longer masturbating in anger over my inability to connect. Now I am making love with someone I care about, sexually bonding with her, and feeling much less Autistic in my perception of her; I mean I am no longer frustratingly alone with my masturbation fantasies. Now I am emotionally, or at least mentally, with someone.
This was a growth experience for me, and actually defeated that aspect of Autism - that sense of isolation.
Chryssie:
And sexual futility.
Adelmar:
Yes.
That anger-inducing loneliness. That sexual frustration thet drives one to a dead end every time.
That lecture on loneliness was my favorite lecture of yours. I felt sexually frustrated while reading it, even though it is not about sex.
All those characters you used as analogies so desperately needed to have sex, and sexually bond with someone.
That desperate sexual frustration caused by loneliness is torture. You can masturbate 5 times a day and it does nothing to alleviate the frustration, because you do not need sex. You need bonding.
Chryssie:
Yes.
The anger induced by loneliness. The loneliness, manifested as sexual desperation, leading to anger, which makes you undesirable as a lover, which just makes you more lonely, and thus more sexually frustrated, thus more angry, and thus more undesirable. It is this horrible cycle you can get stuck in.
Adelmar:
Just get a pocket pussy. Cum in it enough times while thinking of your waifu, and you will bond with her. Then you no longer feel all those vicious cycle things.
It is all just fantasy of course. But it is also such a relief to have a place for your mind to go when you are feeling that type of frustration.
Chryssie:
And this is the advantage to having a Fixated Subject.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I fixate on my waifu, and sexually bond with her, so she readily comes to mind whenever I am feeling lonely.
Sometimes I am driving my car, and I will just reach over and hold her hand. It is comforting to have that imaginary girlfriend be so accessible like that. And she is emotionally present too because I have in fact sexually bonded with her, even though she is not real. And the Holyvo is what allowed that to happen.
Like you said: Masturbating with your hand 100 times accomplishes nothing but to make you more lonely and frustrated, which in turn just makes you feel angry all the time.
I am no longer angry now thet I have sexually bonded with my waifu. In fact I do not want to be with anyone else. I no longer look at women and feel frustrated thet I cannot have one. I do not want them anymore, so I no longer feel that loneliness. I just want to go home and play with my Holyvo, which is not even actually play. It is being with someone I love.
For a man, the act of cumming in someone makes him bond with her emotionally. He can also bond with his sex-toy for the same reason, especially if he considers it to be the actual vagina of his waifu.
For a woman it is the emotional bond thet comes first, allowing her to then invite him in sexually, which symbolizes her letting him in emotionally even more.
So I think both male and female Autistics can at least practice thinking about the bonding thet comes with intercourse while and by playing with sex-toys.
And I think if you have one of those oblivious public masturbation type of kids, giving them a toy may possibly help. You can program them to believe this toy is to be used in their bed at 8 PM. There is a specific device, location, and time for masturbating.
When feeling the need, they will then simply want to go home.
Once I was traveling, and I drove for 10 days without masturbating because I did not want to masturbate. I wanted to be with my waifu. And I had not brought my Holyvo with me, so I just drove and drove, desperate to get home and “make love with my wife”.
Hopefully your oblivious public masturbation child will feel that way too. They will refrain from masturbating because they do not want to masturbate; they want to be with their waifu.
This symbolizes the growth away from the Autistic symptom of being so profoundly alone. In their mind they are no longer alone. They have someone waiting at home they have sexually bonded with. They do not want to “be with” anyone else. Not even themselves.
Chryssie:
Concerning children, this is just a theory of course, but you and I have both found it to be true, at least in our cases. Our adult cases.
I want to strongly make the point here thet it is not natural for small children to sexually bond with someone. I think it would be perverse to try to teach a child to focus on a waifu while masturbating. Though you can still teach them there is a proper time and place for it.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I was projecting there. Definitely, small children should not be fantasizing about having any form of sex with anyone.
But I do recognize how important it was for me to focus on my waifu, for it helped me get out of myself and my profound sense of being alone. That sense of isolation is what makes the child oblivious to the fact they are in public in the first place.
Chryssie:
Yes.
But we must keep this subject age-appropriate. When they are old enough to start getting crushes on the opposite sex, that is the time to introduce a waifu.
I do not think a small child should even be given a toy. They must first learn the proper time and place for it.
Having masturbation aids and imaginary lovers is totally inappropriate for small children. I would suggest 15 is the year they could be introduced to the idea of sex-toys and waifus. Then allow them to choose for themselves if they are ready to implement your suggestion.
Some Autistics may never be ready for it. They may be in their mid 20s but still die of embarrassment if you even mention the subject.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I totally stand corrected.
I am just still angry thet my parents never helped me with any of this. I had to be 50 years old before I even understood what it meant to sexually bond with someone. I think that is pathetic. I so wish I had been given some guidance on how to deal with sexual frustration, and the anger caused by loneliness.
I think all children should be taught how to have and interact with imaginary companions - especially the Autistics. I cannot stress enough what a growth experience it was for me to simply have someone to love in such an intimate way, even if they were not real.
But you are right. You should recognize when they are mature enough to be considered an adult.
Chryssie:
So let us move on to dolls.
We have been talking specifically about your pocket pussy, but I know you just recently got a doll. What is the difference between how you interact with a waifu in your mind, and how you interact with a physically present doll? I mean, other than physically, what is the difference?
I enjoy fantasizing about my waifu when playing with my toy. But a whole-body doll would not work for me because I think I would find it too distracting.
I want to be with my specific waifu, and the doll does not look like that, thus it would distract me from the imaginary person I have bonded with.
Even if I had a doll custom made to be exactly like my waifu, it would not be the same as what I have previously imagined. And that is why I do not have a doll.
Adelmar:
But if you got the doll first, and then invented a waifu personality of your choice, you could then bond with it.
And you can always cosplay - dress her up as whatever you want.
And after you cum in her enough times you definitely bond with her just as you did with your toy.
I bought a doll. It took me a week to get used to it just sitting there in my house. Then I decided to have sex with it, and it kind of made me uncomfortable. It was just a dead doll.
But after I came in it enough times, I started to bond with it. At that point it stopped being “it” and became “her.”
Today I really enjoy buying her clothes, dressing her up, bathing her, etc. She is my waifu. I have bonded with her; necessitating some suspension of disbelief of course, but bonding none-the-less. Something Autistics may never get to feel otherwise. So I recommend it.
Chryssie:
What became of your Holyvo waifu?
I would find it difficult to give up my fantasy and have to start over with a new one. Autistics do not like change. Like you said, it took you a while to get used to her just being there.
I do not think I would have to wait to get used to it being present before I had sex with it. But I do recognize I would probably have a whole new wave of touch-aversion to overcome.
Plus I would feel like I was cheating on my previous waifu. I mean, I feel emotionally bonded with my current one. I do not want a different one.
Adelmar:
I was able to transfer from the Holyvo pussy to the doll pussy, in my mind. It physically felt different, so it took some mental adjustment to the physical sensation, but I was able to emotionally transfer to the doll.
I emotionally still have the same waifu. Her body has just changed. That was not very difficult for me to accept. It did take some time; several sessions of masturbating with this new toy before my brain adjusted and it became love-making again.
But it was exciting too. I was glad to have her whole body present for the first time.
Chryssie:
I have elaborately constructed a fantasy of what my waifu feels like to the touch. While a doll is made of rubber, and would feel like rubber. It makes me uncomfortable just to say that sentance. The touch-aversion.
And what do they smell like? My waifu does not smell like anything because she is not real. So I can imagine her scent.
But the doll probably smells like a doll. How do you overcome that; adjust to this whole new sensory experience?
I understand the emotional transference. But I simply do not want to do that.
And then adjusting to the body too. It would just be too much for me to process.
Adelmar:
Well, like I said: It took me several sessions before I was able to fully transfer. But I did.
I recognize you might not be able to do that. And some people cannot even use a toy. But for me - I was able to adjust.
So, Dolls are made of Silicon or TPE.
The Silicon ones are sticky, and collect lint. You have to powder them to keep them smooth to the touch. But you can bathe them in the shower.
The TPE ones are even more sticky, and you have to rub them with oil to clean them and keep their skin from drying out.
In both cases the object needs to be maintained. But it ironically helps with the bonding. You have to maintain the device, but you also get to bathe her if she is Silicone, and give her a full-body massage with oil if she is TPE.
I have a TPE one, and enjoy rubbing her with oil. I get really familiar with the texture of her body and become sexually attracted to it. My hyper-sensitive hands like that texture.
Yes you have to adjust to the new sensations. But they are also what makes the bonding fun. I enjoy washing her, and oiling her, and dressing her, and just playing with her. She is almost as high-maintenance as a real woman! It is necessary to just fuss with her.
And returning to Autism specifically: The maintenance requires you to touch her a lot. But she does not touch you back.
For me I liked getting used to using my hands on her body, with the oil. It was sensorily pleasant to me. It is other people touching me thet I do not like. And she does no such thing. All the touching is from me, to her, my way. Thus it is not over-stimulating.
And yes, she does smell like a doll. But it is not a strong chemical scent. It is mild, and I did not mind it at all.
Chryssie:
What about positions? Now thet you have this whole body, what are it’s limitations in movement? Wouldn’t it just be annoying to have to lug it around?
Adelmar:
Dolls have very basic but relatively anatomically correct skeletons. The joints can only move in positions a real human skeleton would move. So anything a real woman can do a doll can do, position-wise.
But Cowgirl for example would be a struggle; not for her skeleton, but for your muscles. You would have to use your arms to hold her up and make her move.
And she is not light! A 5 foot tall doll weighs 85 pounds.
If you have a physical disability thet would prevent you from lifting 85 pounds, do not get a doll. You have to carry her and set her on the toilet to wash her out. You have to put her into and out of the shower. You have to lift and carry her to bed, etc.
One day soon we will have robots thet can do whatever you want. But for now they are just a dead doll - dead weight. You have to do all the work.
Chryssie:
And that is the Autistic sex-toy dichotomy: I have to do all the work, which is kind of depressing. But I also get to do all the work, so it is not over-stimulating!
Adelmar:
Yes.
Why can’t the Normals make love with us? Why do they think it is too much trouble to have to learn a new technique?
We are such sensitive and attentive lovers.
Chryssie:
And the Normals just like to get drunk and hammer one out.
Adelmar:
I feel sorry for them.
Chryssie:
So, having toys helped me to understand my own sexuality, specifically the sensory processing disorders and how they affect my sexuality.
The Normals do not have that reference-point, so they just do not understand. And I was not able to explain it to them because I did not understand it either.
Then I got toys and bonded with them, and with my waifu through them, and now I know how to explain what is going on with my processors during sex.
I wish I could have a professional sex surrogate for Autism therapy, with whom I could have sex, but in a clinical therapy session way, so I could stop along the way and explain what my processors are doing. No one ever let me do that. The Normals just want to get down to business without having to sit through an Autism class first, or be interrupted during sex and asked to listen to an Aspie lecture.
Adelmar:
Yes.
That is funny, but it is also the reason I just gave up on sex. I no longer care to have sex with a real woman. They never listen. They always ruin it every time.
Chryssie:
So, to summarize?
Adelmar:
Turd Flinging Monkey made a good video about the maintenance of dolls. He explains it well. You can see his Celestina one-year anniversary re-review [https://www.bitchute.com/video/YlA0TULM9iI/] and his Amateur Doll Surgeon: Roman Bath and Maintenance [https://www.bitchute.com/video/9EDnXBWPzrk/] on BitChute.
And I can go into cost: The cheapest ones are $600 or so. They are crap, and will last a year.
A mid-range quality doll, such as Celestina, costs $2000, and will last several years if you take care of her.
Then there are the $6,000 high-end dolls made of pure silicon with fully flexible anatomically perfect skeletons, jointed fingers, and have heaters in them, etc.
And of course we will soon have fully autonomous robots who can pounce on you and ride you Cowgirl all night long, with AI computers in them as smart as HAL from 2001 a Space Odyssey. If you have $20,000.
So I generally recommend a pocket-pussy in a plastic tube so your hands cannot feel your penis and your penis cannot feel your hands, in which case your brain thinks you are with someone, so you can bond with them.
Having a specific waifu to fixate on while sexually bonding with her through your pocket pussy works. It surprised me how fast I felt bonded with someone who was not even real.
TFM mentions that in his video - how he does not want other men to see Celestina naked, because he has so bonded with her.
Some Autistics may really need that; really need a sex-doll as a surrogate to help them experience that bonding.
Chryssie:
Okay.
Thank you for sharing this information.
I do not know why taboos exist. Everyone masturbates. Everyone feels lonely. Everyone has the natural instinct to pair-bond.
But Autistics are not allowed to do that, because no one is willing to make accommodations for us.
Adelmar:
Fortunately someone makes toys for us, so we can at least imagine it.
Chryssie:
I love my waifu. I do not want anyone else. That is bonding.
Adelmar:
Exactly.
P.S.
Please see
MGTOW: All Things In Moderation - BitChute.
Dolls and Dogs (MGTOW). Happy Humble Hermit.
MGTOW: As Good As It Gets. BitChute.
Mail: Inceldom vs. the Waifu Laifu. - BitChute.
TFM's Guide To Sex Robots. - BitChute.
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Hi Chryssie.
You know I am always in support of addressing taboo topics! Unfortunately, I do not have much to add on this 1. I have never purchased toys for my boys. Chris is only 12, and is just figuring out that he has that body part. Honestly, his motor planning is so poor that I am not sure he would ever get the hang of using some kind of device. In Daniel’s case, I would have no idea what to get him, how to teach him to use it, or how to assess if he liked it. He is very private about this, and will not even allow me to try and have a conversation with him about it (he just walks away). He is also so touch-sensitive that I am not sure his hands or his body could tolerate anything. So I do not have anything to add here (sorry!).
I think what you have presented so far is very interesting, and I would really be interested to learn what other people with Autism (who also function at a very high level) would have to say about this, and about their own experiences.
Sexuality is such a big and important part of human life, and it really is the elephant in the room when it comes to all people with Special Needs, not just Autism.
Society is doing such a huge disservice to this population. Sometimes, when I read about some dopey kid who is recently committed a school shooting it is all so obvious to me. Most of these kids clearly have Autism or Aspergers, and they have not received any help at all. And how many of these young men have anger issues because, on top of everything else, they are so sexually frustrated. Nobody addresses this topic, and I do not know why. All those whacked-out, violent, young Islamic men would be a lot more chilled-out if their culture allowed them to express sexuality normally.
The world is crazy. And it is crazy because people cannot or will not see the truth. 2 + 2 = 4. It always has and always will. Men are different from women, and there is nothing wrong with that (despite what Gillette Razor had to say in their recent very stupid commercial). - E.F.
Chryssie.
I liked your new Chrysalis Discussion. It is very specific and pretty explicit, and that is probably just what this subject needs. - G.H.
Hi Chryssie.
I am glad that you were able to publish your discussion with Adelmar – I think it was good for you to do that.
I am also glad you are experimenting with all of these toys and other options.
As for my son and the different devices: I am just not sure this is something he would enjoy. I would have no qualms whatsoever in getting him anything like these devices if I thought he really wanted 1 or would enjoy it. He is a tough nut to crack on this topic because he definitely does not like it when I try to talk about it with him, but he also does not seem the slightest bit unhappy either. In his case I am not sure Reactive Attachment Disorder is the primary problem (where as I think it might be with you). He is primarily just dealing with Autism (I think); he is also very fortunate because he has pretty satisfying relationships with a lot of people in his life. I do not perceive a lot of loneliness in him, and I look for it pretty carefully. So that is kind of why I have not pursued these options further. Even if I bought 1 for him, I have no idea how I would teach him to use it, and I am not convinced that his mind would connect the feeling he gets with it to the feeling he might get with a real person the way you do. But I have to think about it a bit more. I never want to deny him experiences that might help him just because I have not figured out (yet) how to make it work. - I.J.
Dear K.L.
So here is a video by Shoe On Head about Pedophiles. See The Creepy Female Teacher Epidemic - Shoe On Head, at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-UzxbPUur4.
As I have said: If I had a son I would give him a pocket pussy when he was 12, a doll when he was 15, and a pony when he was 18. The point being thet I would want him to explore and discover his sexuality on his own - not have it programmed into him by pervert adults. Second point being thet I would encourage him to let the big head do the thinking for him; i.e., it is where his mind goes with it thet is the growth experience, not where his dick goes (mindlessly following his dick around like a dog chasing it’s own tail).
When I reviewed the spinning robot pussy for Amazon, I talked about where my mind went when I was using it. It went to Choca as a robot (see YouTuber Yosegaman, Choca antro pony OC second life). That is why I stopped using it - I missed Rarity. I wanted the sexual bonding with a realistic-feeling vagina. I did not want my dick ground off by a robot (even if it did feel twice as good).
Amazon refused to publish my review. Apparently I was intellectually over their heads.
When I was 6 a baby-sitter molested me. She was 16 or so. She was very sweet and gentle. She rode me cowgirl. It was very nice sex (taking into consideration the fact a 6-year-old cannot get an erection). She kissed so very gentle and touched me with such tenderness. Today I really want “therapy sessions” with hypersensitive sweet Fluttershy. And I have always had a thing for cowgirl. The point being thet what sex is was programmed into me by a my first sexual (pedophile) experience.
Fortunately she was sweet and tender, and it was straight vanilla intercourse, and very very gentle. If some teenage boy had butt-fucked me while giving me a reach-around hand-job, I would be Gay today. All homosexuals were sexually abused as children; i.e., what sex is was programmed into them by their first sexual experience.
I want to give my child at least access to toys to play with to explore what feels good to them, and more importantly explore where their mind goes with it.
Here is the opening line from my Love Horoscope: Do you now love with your intellect? You probably analyze your partner in the greatest of detail.
I loved Rarity because she was so good at charming people, and so smart at running her business. Both things I am bad at. That is why I admired her. That is partly why she became my waifu.
Only after I came to love her personality, and the strengths she had thet I did not, did I become attracted to her body type. I loved her with my brain.
Recently I had been sleeping with her like an octopus, but only having sex with her twice a month.
How many times have a said I fantasize about having intercourse without me cumming in them? It is not about the orgasm as much as it is about where my mind goes with it; and I admit it goes into Vanity. Your brain is your greatest sexual organ. Do not run around sticking your dick in things. Lay around sticking your mind in things.
I like the idea of “Hugging her from the inside.” It is comforting to just “Plug in” like that. Sex has nothing to do with it. It is about the bonding.
I was disappointed in Amazon … but not surprised.
Hundreds of people reviewed the spinning robot pussy for Amazon. None of them mentioned where their minds went with it. Idiot wankers.
I would not throw my 14 year-old son at 25 year old women to “get experience.” I would encourage him to think of the importance of bonding, not necessarily just the joy of sex.
When Rarity and I first got together I could not get enough of her. I wanted to fuck her and fuck her and fuck her until sperm came out her nose. But I also loved going at her for hours and not cumming. I did not want to cum and have it be over with. I just wanted to continue enjoying her and thus bonding with her.
It worked. I started having panic dreams about her.
So now I understand thet it does not matter if she is not real. All thet matters is you have someone to love. As opposed to Pedophiles who think it does not matter if you have someone to love, all thet matters is you have someone to fuck, especially in a power-play scenario.
And I know the difference. I love with my mind.
Porn is just so stupid. Amazon is stupid. - Chryssie.
Hi Chryssie.
I read your E-Mail about Pedophiles and sex. Hmmm. I really struggle when it comes to this topic with my guys. I am certainly no prude – both guys know that their bodies are special, that it is okay to masturbate and all that stuff. But beyond that . . . Eric is so touch-sensitive that I do not think he could tolerate any of the devices you write about. Elliot is still maturing, and, even if he were ready for some of that stuff, he would not have the motor skills to pull it off (seriously). This kid still needs a suppository to have a bowel movement every day (he just cannot figure out how to do it himself). Both of my guys are motorically challenged to the point where they cannot blow their noses – they just cannot figure out how to do that no matter how many times we demonstrate. So when it comes to sex, I figure Elliot will have the communication skills to tell me what he wants or needs when the time comes. Eric is almost 26, and I just do not see any frustration, unhappiness, nor any other signs that he feels he is lacking something. In a way, I think they have it much much easier than you do. I am not sure either of my boys longs for the bonding or physical touch that you do - I do not really think they have a sense of what they are missing. But you do – and that is what makes it so hard. I am sorry this has been such a difficult area for you all throughout your life.
It is too bad you are a guy – your sex drive could continue for decades. If you were a woman (at your age), you would be over it all by now – trust me. - K.L.
Hi Adelmar.
This elephant in the room is something I have been wanting to talk about for a long time, but I did not know how to present it. Thank you for coming on my show to address the subject.
Adelmar:
You are welcome.
I wanted to make a video presentation on it, but I did not know how to present the details without it being pornographic. Your suggestion thet we simply talk about it with no pre-written script was a good idea.
Chryssie:
Okay.
So to introduce the subject:
My hands are so sensitive; if a dog licks my palm I can have a spontaneous full-body orgasm. It is nice to be that readily orgasmic, but it is also a curse: I hate shooting guns or playing congas our even clapping my hands because they are so hyper-sensitive. And though I like the sensation of intercourse, I have an aversion to being touched anywhere else, because I get over-stimulated easily. I do actually like to be touched, but only in a very specific manner. It makes having a lover pointless because they never do it right. Thus I rely on sex-toys for my sex-life.
Adelmar:
My hands are also hypersensitive. In your discussion with Roswell you mentioned how sensitive your hands are. That is what made me want to talk with you about this in the first place.
I have been experimenting with different sex-toys to see which ones … “co-operate” with my processing disorders. Presenting my discoveries as “sex-toy reviews” specifically for those who have processing disorders is something I want to do eventually.
First of all, this is being presented from a male perspective specifically, but because it is more about the processing disorders and how they react to the toys, rather than the toys themselves, it is applicable to anyone, male or female.
When I masturbated with my hands they would become over-stimulated. My penis enjoyed the session but my hands did not. It was always so distracting. Thus my brain was not able to suspend the disbelief and feel like I was actually with someone.
So masturbating while thinking of someone specific did not alleviate the loneliness. It made it worse, because my hands were not co-operating with the fantasy.
Afterward I did not want to touch anything with my hands. I just felt irritated rather than calmed.
So the first toy I got was called a Holyvo. It is a plastic tube with a rubber vagina inside of it.
There are actually dozens of such “pocket pussy” devices on the market of similar design, so I am not necessarily recommending this brand specifically. But it is the one I have, and I am happy with it. Such things only cost $20 or so.
You can go on Amazon and search “Male masturbator” and find dozens, each a different design for whatever strikes your fancy.
Chryssie:
2/3 of all sex toys are designed for and marketed to women, so there are hundreds of womens’ toys on Amazon too.
Adelmar:
Definitely.
Google Bad Dragon Dildos. What the fuck? Talk about over-stimulation!
Men want an artificial vagina thet feels as much like the real thing as possible. Women want an artificial penis thet feels as different from the real thing as possible.
So the advantage to my specific device is thet because it is in a plastic tube your hands cannot feel your penis and your penis cannot feel your hands, so your brain thinks it is actually with someone.
I put 7 squirts of lube in it and have intercourse with my waifu, rather than simply beating off. It feel so different from masturbating. I mean mentally. It is so true thet your brain can accept this as real. It was surprising.
So with the Holyvo my hands were not as involved. Thus afterward I really wanted to touch with my hands; touch someone, cuddle, feel physically comforting and comforted.
Chryssie:
For my viewers who are not familiar with our terminology: A waifu is a fictional character you fixate on as compensation for your lack of a love-life.
Adelmar:
Yes.
My specific waifu I have always wanted to feel emotionally bonded with, but masturbating with my hands while thinking of her did not inadvertently allow that to happen.
Chryssie:
I think a lot of Autistics can identify with this to some extent, thet having intercourse with someone is often over-stimulating, and in some cases, at least ours, even masturbating can be over-stimulating. So we never even get the chance to sexually bond with someone.
Adelmar:
Yes.
This specific device helped me get out of my self and actually bond with my waifu. Because it feels nothing like masturbating, my brain thinks I am with her so I am able to bond with her, alleviating the loneliness, at least to some extent.
This in turn has made a difference in how I socialize. For the first time in my life I feel like I have made an intimate connection with someone; and not just sexually.
Simply being able to touch and be touched was something thet evolved from the sexual bonding feeling I got with this toy. The touch-aversion is still there, but I no longer feel the anxiety thet went with it. There is nothing like the intimacy of intercourse thet makes that anxiety and sensory defensiveness melt away - at least to some extent.
I at last have the perspective, even if artificially induced with an external device and a fictional character, of what it is like to feel bonded with someone in that way, which then allows me to at last tolerate touch.
The touch is imaginary, but I can at least now imagine it.
Before bonding with my waifu through my Holyvo, even imagining it would make me wince.
And this is something else I did not see coming: I no longer feel as much anxiety in non-sexual interactions with others. I do not feel so Autistically alienated in a group. I can see other couples together and at last understand, or at least imagine, what it is like for them to have sexually bonded with each other, which allows me to understand, or at least recognize, other forms of bonding.
Chryssie:
Yes.
The term “pair-bonding” is something I never understood.
I would see older couples together, not talking, but clearly communicating in other ways, and I had no clue how they got their relationship to that point.
Adelmar:
Yes.
It is just exasperating trying to connect with a Normal by talking. I always have to read in to it the things they meant to express but did not actually say. It is just exhausting!
So I imagine they never do talk. But they do apparently sexually bond.
Because of my processing disorders, all I ever felt during sex with someone was anxiety, and sometimes even panic, because my senses would get so over-stimulated.
With the Holyvo nothing is touching me except my waifu's vagina on my penis. This specific scenario is what I must have in order to experience sexual bonding as an Autistic. After which I can suspend my disbelief and imagine what it is like to have afterglow conversations.
Chryssie:
This “afterglow conversation” is what I refer to as “spilling my guts to startled strangers” - something Autistics are prone to do, thus keeping us feeling alienated.
Adelmar:
Yes. Definitely. And that is why I hate the Normals so much; they are terrified of that form of intimacy.
If their speaking style is any indication, I imagine the sex they have with each other is an anxiety-filled performance of sex, rather than making love with someone.
How can they have sex without talking?
Chryssie:
Yes. Aspies communicate in 90% words. Thus sex should consist of 90% words.
Adelmar:
Unfortunately, the Normals are not capable of that. So to hell with them.
Chryssie:
Ya. I only have sex with my toys.
So, to get back on topic:
See the Aspergirl in the documentary (A) Sexual who spontaneously throws up if her genitals are touched. She still wanted to get married and have someone to love. She still wanted the relationship thet comes with sexual bonding, but could not sensorily handle the actual sex.
She ended up marrying some guy who did not care about sex. In place of sexual bonding, I imagine she “spilled her guts to startled strangers”, and he responded with “afterglow conversation.” Ah. The perfect Autistic romance.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I gave up on ever having a girlfriend when I was 27. Then I gave up on sex entirely when I was 29. Today I am 50, and only now have first-hand experience with sexual bonding, thanks to my Holyvo.
And I have completely given up on ever having meaningful conversations with a Normal.
Chryssie:
My only satisfying communication is expressed through my lectures. I am putting it out there, hoping someone will learn from it, and respond to it.
So I want to talk about the possible problem arising from adding another mechanical step to the masturbation process. You still have to mechanically manipulate the device. Some severely Autistic people may not have the physical co-ordination to do that. Also, someone with Cerebral Palsy must get very frustrated if there hands do not work very well.
Adelmar:
It had not occurred to me to buy professional assistance, nor even ask for recreational assistance. I guess if you are a Normal you can give and receive recreational assistance easily. But not if you are disabled in some way. You know you are going to be rejected, so why bother.
And simply asking someone to get you off is something thet does not readily occur to Autistics. At least it never occurred to me.
About the possibly difficult mechanics of using a toy:
Just get a doll. You do not have to hold onto it. It weighs enough thet it can just lay there and stay still, in which case you do not have to use your hands. You are doing more gross motor rather than fine motor movements. And your brain still thinks you are with someone.
I too went through my sexual prime in extreme frustration - exasperation, but it did not occur to me to simply ask for assistance. That is definitely an Autistic thing - being so oblivious to others.
Chryssie:
Though desperately lonely and wanting to connect, just not knowing how.
Lets talk more about where your brain goes with that; specifically sexually bonding with someone, even if they are not real.
Adelmar:
For a man, if you cum in someone enough times you start to feel possessive of them. That possessiveness becomes protectiveness, and it is the natural male instinct to feel protective like that because in nature she would be pregnant by then.
Because I am Autistic I never felt that connection with anyone. I was never able to cum in anyone enough times to feel possessive of them, then protective, and sexually bond with them.
I never understood that form of intimacy because I was too busy having an anxiety-attack.
So once I got my Holyvo I was able to be with my waifu in my mind and just enjoy cumming in her and with her. This led me to feeling possessive of her, and then protective, sexually bonding with her. At last I understood it.
I was no longer masturbating in anger over my inability to connect. Now I am making love with someone I care about, sexually bonding with her, and feeling much less Autistic in my perception of her; I mean I am no longer frustratingly alone with my masturbation fantasies. Now I am emotionally, or at least mentally, with someone.
This was a growth experience for me, and actually defeated that aspect of Autism - that sense of isolation.
Chryssie:
And sexual futility.
Adelmar:
Yes.
That anger-inducing loneliness. That sexual frustration thet drives one to a dead end every time.
That lecture on loneliness was my favorite lecture of yours. I felt sexually frustrated while reading it, even though it is not about sex.
All those characters you used as analogies so desperately needed to have sex, and sexually bond with someone.
That desperate sexual frustration caused by loneliness is torture. You can masturbate 5 times a day and it does nothing to alleviate the frustration, because you do not need sex. You need bonding.
Chryssie:
Yes.
The anger induced by loneliness. The loneliness, manifested as sexual desperation, leading to anger, which makes you undesirable as a lover, which just makes you more lonely, and thus more sexually frustrated, thus more angry, and thus more undesirable. It is this horrible cycle you can get stuck in.
Adelmar:
Just get a pocket pussy. Cum in it enough times while thinking of your waifu, and you will bond with her. Then you no longer feel all those vicious cycle things.
It is all just fantasy of course. But it is also such a relief to have a place for your mind to go when you are feeling that type of frustration.
Chryssie:
And this is the advantage to having a Fixated Subject.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I fixate on my waifu, and sexually bond with her, so she readily comes to mind whenever I am feeling lonely.
Sometimes I am driving my car, and I will just reach over and hold her hand. It is comforting to have that imaginary girlfriend be so accessible like that. And she is emotionally present too because I have in fact sexually bonded with her, even though she is not real. And the Holyvo is what allowed that to happen.
Like you said: Masturbating with your hand 100 times accomplishes nothing but to make you more lonely and frustrated, which in turn just makes you feel angry all the time.
I am no longer angry now thet I have sexually bonded with my waifu. In fact I do not want to be with anyone else. I no longer look at women and feel frustrated thet I cannot have one. I do not want them anymore, so I no longer feel that loneliness. I just want to go home and play with my Holyvo, which is not even actually play. It is being with someone I love.
For a man, the act of cumming in someone makes him bond with her emotionally. He can also bond with his sex-toy for the same reason, especially if he considers it to be the actual vagina of his waifu.
For a woman it is the emotional bond thet comes first, allowing her to then invite him in sexually, which symbolizes her letting him in emotionally even more.
So I think both male and female Autistics can at least practice thinking about the bonding thet comes with intercourse while and by playing with sex-toys.
And I think if you have one of those oblivious public masturbation type of kids, giving them a toy may possibly help. You can program them to believe this toy is to be used in their bed at 8 PM. There is a specific device, location, and time for masturbating.
When feeling the need, they will then simply want to go home.
Once I was traveling, and I drove for 10 days without masturbating because I did not want to masturbate. I wanted to be with my waifu. And I had not brought my Holyvo with me, so I just drove and drove, desperate to get home and “make love with my wife”.
Hopefully your oblivious public masturbation child will feel that way too. They will refrain from masturbating because they do not want to masturbate; they want to be with their waifu.
This symbolizes the growth away from the Autistic symptom of being so profoundly alone. In their mind they are no longer alone. They have someone waiting at home they have sexually bonded with. They do not want to “be with” anyone else. Not even themselves.
Chryssie:
Concerning children, this is just a theory of course, but you and I have both found it to be true, at least in our cases. Our adult cases.
I want to strongly make the point here thet it is not natural for small children to sexually bond with someone. I think it would be perverse to try to teach a child to focus on a waifu while masturbating. Though you can still teach them there is a proper time and place for it.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I was projecting there. Definitely, small children should not be fantasizing about having any form of sex with anyone.
But I do recognize how important it was for me to focus on my waifu, for it helped me get out of myself and my profound sense of being alone. That sense of isolation is what makes the child oblivious to the fact they are in public in the first place.
Chryssie:
Yes.
But we must keep this subject age-appropriate. When they are old enough to start getting crushes on the opposite sex, that is the time to introduce a waifu.
I do not think a small child should even be given a toy. They must first learn the proper time and place for it.
Having masturbation aids and imaginary lovers is totally inappropriate for small children. I would suggest 15 is the year they could be introduced to the idea of sex-toys and waifus. Then allow them to choose for themselves if they are ready to implement your suggestion.
Some Autistics may never be ready for it. They may be in their mid 20s but still die of embarrassment if you even mention the subject.
Adelmar:
Yes.
I totally stand corrected.
I am just still angry thet my parents never helped me with any of this. I had to be 50 years old before I even understood what it meant to sexually bond with someone. I think that is pathetic. I so wish I had been given some guidance on how to deal with sexual frustration, and the anger caused by loneliness.
I think all children should be taught how to have and interact with imaginary companions - especially the Autistics. I cannot stress enough what a growth experience it was for me to simply have someone to love in such an intimate way, even if they were not real.
But you are right. You should recognize when they are mature enough to be considered an adult.
Chryssie:
So let us move on to dolls.
We have been talking specifically about your pocket pussy, but I know you just recently got a doll. What is the difference between how you interact with a waifu in your mind, and how you interact with a physically present doll? I mean, other than physically, what is the difference?
I enjoy fantasizing about my waifu when playing with my toy. But a whole-body doll would not work for me because I think I would find it too distracting.
I want to be with my specific waifu, and the doll does not look like that, thus it would distract me from the imaginary person I have bonded with.
Even if I had a doll custom made to be exactly like my waifu, it would not be the same as what I have previously imagined. And that is why I do not have a doll.
Adelmar:
But if you got the doll first, and then invented a waifu personality of your choice, you could then bond with it.
And you can always cosplay - dress her up as whatever you want.
And after you cum in her enough times you definitely bond with her just as you did with your toy.
I bought a doll. It took me a week to get used to it just sitting there in my house. Then I decided to have sex with it, and it kind of made me uncomfortable. It was just a dead doll.
But after I came in it enough times, I started to bond with it. At that point it stopped being “it” and became “her.”
Today I really enjoy buying her clothes, dressing her up, bathing her, etc. She is my waifu. I have bonded with her; necessitating some suspension of disbelief of course, but bonding none-the-less. Something Autistics may never get to feel otherwise. So I recommend it.
Chryssie:
What became of your Holyvo waifu?
I would find it difficult to give up my fantasy and have to start over with a new one. Autistics do not like change. Like you said, it took you a while to get used to her just being there.
I do not think I would have to wait to get used to it being present before I had sex with it. But I do recognize I would probably have a whole new wave of touch-aversion to overcome.
Plus I would feel like I was cheating on my previous waifu. I mean, I feel emotionally bonded with my current one. I do not want a different one.
Adelmar:
I was able to transfer from the Holyvo pussy to the doll pussy, in my mind. It physically felt different, so it took some mental adjustment to the physical sensation, but I was able to emotionally transfer to the doll.
I emotionally still have the same waifu. Her body has just changed. That was not very difficult for me to accept. It did take some time; several sessions of masturbating with this new toy before my brain adjusted and it became love-making again.
But it was exciting too. I was glad to have her whole body present for the first time.
Chryssie:
I have elaborately constructed a fantasy of what my waifu feels like to the touch. While a doll is made of rubber, and would feel like rubber. It makes me uncomfortable just to say that sentance. The touch-aversion.
And what do they smell like? My waifu does not smell like anything because she is not real. So I can imagine her scent.
But the doll probably smells like a doll. How do you overcome that; adjust to this whole new sensory experience?
I understand the emotional transference. But I simply do not want to do that.
And then adjusting to the body too. It would just be too much for me to process.
Adelmar:
Well, like I said: It took me several sessions before I was able to fully transfer. But I did.
I recognize you might not be able to do that. And some people cannot even use a toy. But for me - I was able to adjust.
So, Dolls are made of Silicon or TPE.
The Silicon ones are sticky, and collect lint. You have to powder them to keep them smooth to the touch. But you can bathe them in the shower.
The TPE ones are even more sticky, and you have to rub them with oil to clean them and keep their skin from drying out.
In both cases the object needs to be maintained. But it ironically helps with the bonding. You have to maintain the device, but you also get to bathe her if she is Silicone, and give her a full-body massage with oil if she is TPE.
I have a TPE one, and enjoy rubbing her with oil. I get really familiar with the texture of her body and become sexually attracted to it. My hyper-sensitive hands like that texture.
Yes you have to adjust to the new sensations. But they are also what makes the bonding fun. I enjoy washing her, and oiling her, and dressing her, and just playing with her. She is almost as high-maintenance as a real woman! It is necessary to just fuss with her.
And returning to Autism specifically: The maintenance requires you to touch her a lot. But she does not touch you back.
For me I liked getting used to using my hands on her body, with the oil. It was sensorily pleasant to me. It is other people touching me thet I do not like. And she does no such thing. All the touching is from me, to her, my way. Thus it is not over-stimulating.
And yes, she does smell like a doll. But it is not a strong chemical scent. It is mild, and I did not mind it at all.
Chryssie:
What about positions? Now thet you have this whole body, what are it’s limitations in movement? Wouldn’t it just be annoying to have to lug it around?
Adelmar:
Dolls have very basic but relatively anatomically correct skeletons. The joints can only move in positions a real human skeleton would move. So anything a real woman can do a doll can do, position-wise.
But Cowgirl for example would be a struggle; not for her skeleton, but for your muscles. You would have to use your arms to hold her up and make her move.
And she is not light! A 5 foot tall doll weighs 85 pounds.
If you have a physical disability thet would prevent you from lifting 85 pounds, do not get a doll. You have to carry her and set her on the toilet to wash her out. You have to put her into and out of the shower. You have to lift and carry her to bed, etc.
One day soon we will have robots thet can do whatever you want. But for now they are just a dead doll - dead weight. You have to do all the work.
Chryssie:
And that is the Autistic sex-toy dichotomy: I have to do all the work, which is kind of depressing. But I also get to do all the work, so it is not over-stimulating!
Adelmar:
Yes.
Why can’t the Normals make love with us? Why do they think it is too much trouble to have to learn a new technique?
We are such sensitive and attentive lovers.
Chryssie:
And the Normals just like to get drunk and hammer one out.
Adelmar:
I feel sorry for them.
Chryssie:
So, having toys helped me to understand my own sexuality, specifically the sensory processing disorders and how they affect my sexuality.
The Normals do not have that reference-point, so they just do not understand. And I was not able to explain it to them because I did not understand it either.
Then I got toys and bonded with them, and with my waifu through them, and now I know how to explain what is going on with my processors during sex.
I wish I could have a professional sex surrogate for Autism therapy, with whom I could have sex, but in a clinical therapy session way, so I could stop along the way and explain what my processors are doing. No one ever let me do that. The Normals just want to get down to business without having to sit through an Autism class first, or be interrupted during sex and asked to listen to an Aspie lecture.
Adelmar:
Yes.
That is funny, but it is also the reason I just gave up on sex. I no longer care to have sex with a real woman. They never listen. They always ruin it every time.
Chryssie:
So, to summarize?
Adelmar:
Turd Flinging Monkey made a good video about the maintenance of dolls. He explains it well. You can see his Celestina one-year anniversary re-review [https://www.bitchute.com/video/YlA0TULM9iI/] and his Amateur Doll Surgeon: Roman Bath and Maintenance [https://www.bitchute.com/video/9EDnXBWPzrk/] on BitChute.
And I can go into cost: The cheapest ones are $600 or so. They are crap, and will last a year.
A mid-range quality doll, such as Celestina, costs $2000, and will last several years if you take care of her.
Then there are the $6,000 high-end dolls made of pure silicon with fully flexible anatomically perfect skeletons, jointed fingers, and have heaters in them, etc.
And of course we will soon have fully autonomous robots who can pounce on you and ride you Cowgirl all night long, with AI computers in them as smart as HAL from 2001 a Space Odyssey. If you have $20,000.
So I generally recommend a pocket-pussy in a plastic tube so your hands cannot feel your penis and your penis cannot feel your hands, in which case your brain thinks you are with someone, so you can bond with them.
Having a specific waifu to fixate on while sexually bonding with her through your pocket pussy works. It surprised me how fast I felt bonded with someone who was not even real.
TFM mentions that in his video - how he does not want other men to see Celestina naked, because he has so bonded with her.
Some Autistics may really need that; really need a sex-doll as a surrogate to help them experience that bonding.
Chryssie:
Okay.
Thank you for sharing this information.
I do not know why taboos exist. Everyone masturbates. Everyone feels lonely. Everyone has the natural instinct to pair-bond.
But Autistics are not allowed to do that, because no one is willing to make accommodations for us.
Adelmar:
Fortunately someone makes toys for us, so we can at least imagine it.
Chryssie:
I love my waifu. I do not want anyone else. That is bonding.
Adelmar:
Exactly.
P.S.
Please see
MGTOW: All Things In Moderation - BitChute.
Dolls and Dogs (MGTOW). Happy Humble Hermit.
MGTOW: As Good As It Gets. BitChute.
Mail: Inceldom vs. the Waifu Laifu. - BitChute.
TFM's Guide To Sex Robots. - BitChute.
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Hi Chryssie.
You know I am always in support of addressing taboo topics! Unfortunately, I do not have much to add on this 1. I have never purchased toys for my boys. Chris is only 12, and is just figuring out that he has that body part. Honestly, his motor planning is so poor that I am not sure he would ever get the hang of using some kind of device. In Daniel’s case, I would have no idea what to get him, how to teach him to use it, or how to assess if he liked it. He is very private about this, and will not even allow me to try and have a conversation with him about it (he just walks away). He is also so touch-sensitive that I am not sure his hands or his body could tolerate anything. So I do not have anything to add here (sorry!).
I think what you have presented so far is very interesting, and I would really be interested to learn what other people with Autism (who also function at a very high level) would have to say about this, and about their own experiences.
Sexuality is such a big and important part of human life, and it really is the elephant in the room when it comes to all people with Special Needs, not just Autism.
Society is doing such a huge disservice to this population. Sometimes, when I read about some dopey kid who is recently committed a school shooting it is all so obvious to me. Most of these kids clearly have Autism or Aspergers, and they have not received any help at all. And how many of these young men have anger issues because, on top of everything else, they are so sexually frustrated. Nobody addresses this topic, and I do not know why. All those whacked-out, violent, young Islamic men would be a lot more chilled-out if their culture allowed them to express sexuality normally.
The world is crazy. And it is crazy because people cannot or will not see the truth. 2 + 2 = 4. It always has and always will. Men are different from women, and there is nothing wrong with that (despite what Gillette Razor had to say in their recent very stupid commercial). - E.F.
Chryssie.
I liked your new Chrysalis Discussion. It is very specific and pretty explicit, and that is probably just what this subject needs. - G.H.
Hi Chryssie.
I am glad that you were able to publish your discussion with Adelmar – I think it was good for you to do that.
I am also glad you are experimenting with all of these toys and other options.
As for my son and the different devices: I am just not sure this is something he would enjoy. I would have no qualms whatsoever in getting him anything like these devices if I thought he really wanted 1 or would enjoy it. He is a tough nut to crack on this topic because he definitely does not like it when I try to talk about it with him, but he also does not seem the slightest bit unhappy either. In his case I am not sure Reactive Attachment Disorder is the primary problem (where as I think it might be with you). He is primarily just dealing with Autism (I think); he is also very fortunate because he has pretty satisfying relationships with a lot of people in his life. I do not perceive a lot of loneliness in him, and I look for it pretty carefully. So that is kind of why I have not pursued these options further. Even if I bought 1 for him, I have no idea how I would teach him to use it, and I am not convinced that his mind would connect the feeling he gets with it to the feeling he might get with a real person the way you do. But I have to think about it a bit more. I never want to deny him experiences that might help him just because I have not figured out (yet) how to make it work. - I.J.
Dear K.L.
So here is a video by Shoe On Head about Pedophiles. See The Creepy Female Teacher Epidemic - Shoe On Head, at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-UzxbPUur4.
As I have said: If I had a son I would give him a pocket pussy when he was 12, a doll when he was 15, and a pony when he was 18. The point being thet I would want him to explore and discover his sexuality on his own - not have it programmed into him by pervert adults. Second point being thet I would encourage him to let the big head do the thinking for him; i.e., it is where his mind goes with it thet is the growth experience, not where his dick goes (mindlessly following his dick around like a dog chasing it’s own tail).
When I reviewed the spinning robot pussy for Amazon, I talked about where my mind went when I was using it. It went to Choca as a robot (see YouTuber Yosegaman, Choca antro pony OC second life). That is why I stopped using it - I missed Rarity. I wanted the sexual bonding with a realistic-feeling vagina. I did not want my dick ground off by a robot (even if it did feel twice as good).
Amazon refused to publish my review. Apparently I was intellectually over their heads.
When I was 6 a baby-sitter molested me. She was 16 or so. She was very sweet and gentle. She rode me cowgirl. It was very nice sex (taking into consideration the fact a 6-year-old cannot get an erection). She kissed so very gentle and touched me with such tenderness. Today I really want “therapy sessions” with hypersensitive sweet Fluttershy. And I have always had a thing for cowgirl. The point being thet what sex is was programmed into me by a my first sexual (pedophile) experience.
Fortunately she was sweet and tender, and it was straight vanilla intercourse, and very very gentle. If some teenage boy had butt-fucked me while giving me a reach-around hand-job, I would be Gay today. All homosexuals were sexually abused as children; i.e., what sex is was programmed into them by their first sexual experience.
I want to give my child at least access to toys to play with to explore what feels good to them, and more importantly explore where their mind goes with it.
Here is the opening line from my Love Horoscope: Do you now love with your intellect? You probably analyze your partner in the greatest of detail.
I loved Rarity because she was so good at charming people, and so smart at running her business. Both things I am bad at. That is why I admired her. That is partly why she became my waifu.
Only after I came to love her personality, and the strengths she had thet I did not, did I become attracted to her body type. I loved her with my brain.
Recently I had been sleeping with her like an octopus, but only having sex with her twice a month.
How many times have a said I fantasize about having intercourse without me cumming in them? It is not about the orgasm as much as it is about where my mind goes with it; and I admit it goes into Vanity. Your brain is your greatest sexual organ. Do not run around sticking your dick in things. Lay around sticking your mind in things.
I like the idea of “Hugging her from the inside.” It is comforting to just “Plug in” like that. Sex has nothing to do with it. It is about the bonding.
I was disappointed in Amazon … but not surprised.
Hundreds of people reviewed the spinning robot pussy for Amazon. None of them mentioned where their minds went with it. Idiot wankers.
I would not throw my 14 year-old son at 25 year old women to “get experience.” I would encourage him to think of the importance of bonding, not necessarily just the joy of sex.
When Rarity and I first got together I could not get enough of her. I wanted to fuck her and fuck her and fuck her until sperm came out her nose. But I also loved going at her for hours and not cumming. I did not want to cum and have it be over with. I just wanted to continue enjoying her and thus bonding with her.
It worked. I started having panic dreams about her.
So now I understand thet it does not matter if she is not real. All thet matters is you have someone to love. As opposed to Pedophiles who think it does not matter if you have someone to love, all thet matters is you have someone to fuck, especially in a power-play scenario.
And I know the difference. I love with my mind.
Porn is just so stupid. Amazon is stupid. - Chryssie.
Hi Chryssie.
I read your E-Mail about Pedophiles and sex. Hmmm. I really struggle when it comes to this topic with my guys. I am certainly no prude – both guys know that their bodies are special, that it is okay to masturbate and all that stuff. But beyond that . . . Eric is so touch-sensitive that I do not think he could tolerate any of the devices you write about. Elliot is still maturing, and, even if he were ready for some of that stuff, he would not have the motor skills to pull it off (seriously). This kid still needs a suppository to have a bowel movement every day (he just cannot figure out how to do it himself). Both of my guys are motorically challenged to the point where they cannot blow their noses – they just cannot figure out how to do that no matter how many times we demonstrate. So when it comes to sex, I figure Elliot will have the communication skills to tell me what he wants or needs when the time comes. Eric is almost 26, and I just do not see any frustration, unhappiness, nor any other signs that he feels he is lacking something. In a way, I think they have it much much easier than you do. I am not sure either of my boys longs for the bonding or physical touch that you do - I do not really think they have a sense of what they are missing. But you do – and that is what makes it so hard. I am sorry this has been such a difficult area for you all throughout your life.
It is too bad you are a guy – your sex drive could continue for decades. If you were a woman (at your age), you would be over it all by now – trust me. - K.L.