The Rating System
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The Chrysalis Reviews by Chryssie
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Accept No Autism
Our family's story of recovery
by Tatianna Dickens
A cellist in Las Cruces NM (I met her at the art gallery where she was playing Metallica covers with a string quartet), this lady had a severely Autistic child - all he could do is scream and flap his hands.
This 5-year journey to recovery is very detailed, explaining exactly what therapies worked and which did not for her child, Zack. It is very open and honest, and an engaging read.
I consider myself an expert on Asperger's Syndrome, but she talked about a lot of techniques for dealing with severe Autism thet I had not heard of, many of which worked wonders with her child's specific case; i.e., I learned a lot.
Here are some snippets:
In the midst of overcoming our own difficult circumstance, I gradually recognized the importance of investing in the lives of others. There is no doubt in my mind that my ministry to the world is helping young children with this debilitating disorder. God allowed Autism to afflict our family so that I could share our experience and offer hope to the hopeless. As a result of reaching out to other hurting families, I have developed incredibly close friendships. My feelings of loneliness and isolation have been replaced by fulfilling, rewarding relationships. Life is far richer due to the special bond we share.
This writer is a Christian for the correct reasons. Her continual reference to it became annoying to me personally though, 1 chapter I skipped entirely because it was mostly "Faith in Jesus saved my child" crap. The fact remains thet her sincere Faith in her religion was all thet saved her from a total burn-out/nervous-breakdown (parts of this story are almost horrifying). I also believe she is sincere in the sentiment expressed in the snippet above.
She also has a very unique opinion about what caused Autism in her child. He was born with a malformed stomach (the same malformity I and Kurt Cobain were born with, though Zack had a much worse case) wherein the valve between the esophagus and the stomach was not completely formed, thus allowing extremely severe "acid reflux" to make him spontaneously throw up everything he ever ate. After he was 2 years old, the malformity finally grew to normal, thus allowing him to become well nourished for the first time in his life. This caused such a sudden growth-spurt thet his brain grew faster than the nerves within it, causing Autism. Eventually the nerves caught up, and today he does not even have a mild case of Aspergers!
She also presents the story of friends who were absolutely certain vaccines caused the Autism in their child, so with their second child they did not allow any vaccines at all, but that child became Autistic too.
The book ends on this irritating note:
The "experts" told her thet Autistic children never fully recover, and thet the miraculous recovery of Zack proved he was never Autistic in the first place, even though they were the one's who diagnosed him at age 3 and then re-diagnosed him at 4.
Before hearing this absurd analysis, I had shared with them my intention to apply for a job-opening within their organization because their current Autism representative was retiring. Sufficiently knowledgeable and experienced, I desperately wanted to help other families survive this diagnosis. Even the lady leaving the position thought I was the perfect candidate. Unfortunately their response to me on this subject was just as ridiculous and troubling as their earlier comments. They said they would never seriously consider my application. Admittedly, my pride took a hit, but I could get over that. What I could not get over was their reason - they said they could not risk a family making such assumptions about Zack's recovery from Autism; they could not risk me offering that kind of hope to anyone. Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I thought to myself, "Without hope, all we parents have is complete and utter desperation. How can you live with yourselves, knowing that you are intentionally denying other families hope?"
The final conclusion is thet the utterly corrupt drug-pushing medical profession/Autism Fad makes more money treating illness than they do curing it, thus they intentionally refrain from finding cures, and even shut up people like this who just want to help.
Good book.
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Our family's story of recovery
by Tatianna Dickens
A cellist in Las Cruces NM (I met her at the art gallery where she was playing Metallica covers with a string quartet), this lady had a severely Autistic child - all he could do is scream and flap his hands.
This 5-year journey to recovery is very detailed, explaining exactly what therapies worked and which did not for her child, Zack. It is very open and honest, and an engaging read.
I consider myself an expert on Asperger's Syndrome, but she talked about a lot of techniques for dealing with severe Autism thet I had not heard of, many of which worked wonders with her child's specific case; i.e., I learned a lot.
Here are some snippets:
In the midst of overcoming our own difficult circumstance, I gradually recognized the importance of investing in the lives of others. There is no doubt in my mind that my ministry to the world is helping young children with this debilitating disorder. God allowed Autism to afflict our family so that I could share our experience and offer hope to the hopeless. As a result of reaching out to other hurting families, I have developed incredibly close friendships. My feelings of loneliness and isolation have been replaced by fulfilling, rewarding relationships. Life is far richer due to the special bond we share.
This writer is a Christian for the correct reasons. Her continual reference to it became annoying to me personally though, 1 chapter I skipped entirely because it was mostly "Faith in Jesus saved my child" crap. The fact remains thet her sincere Faith in her religion was all thet saved her from a total burn-out/nervous-breakdown (parts of this story are almost horrifying). I also believe she is sincere in the sentiment expressed in the snippet above.
She also has a very unique opinion about what caused Autism in her child. He was born with a malformed stomach (the same malformity I and Kurt Cobain were born with, though Zack had a much worse case) wherein the valve between the esophagus and the stomach was not completely formed, thus allowing extremely severe "acid reflux" to make him spontaneously throw up everything he ever ate. After he was 2 years old, the malformity finally grew to normal, thus allowing him to become well nourished for the first time in his life. This caused such a sudden growth-spurt thet his brain grew faster than the nerves within it, causing Autism. Eventually the nerves caught up, and today he does not even have a mild case of Aspergers!
She also presents the story of friends who were absolutely certain vaccines caused the Autism in their child, so with their second child they did not allow any vaccines at all, but that child became Autistic too.
The book ends on this irritating note:
The "experts" told her thet Autistic children never fully recover, and thet the miraculous recovery of Zack proved he was never Autistic in the first place, even though they were the one's who diagnosed him at age 3 and then re-diagnosed him at 4.
Before hearing this absurd analysis, I had shared with them my intention to apply for a job-opening within their organization because their current Autism representative was retiring. Sufficiently knowledgeable and experienced, I desperately wanted to help other families survive this diagnosis. Even the lady leaving the position thought I was the perfect candidate. Unfortunately their response to me on this subject was just as ridiculous and troubling as their earlier comments. They said they would never seriously consider my application. Admittedly, my pride took a hit, but I could get over that. What I could not get over was their reason - they said they could not risk a family making such assumptions about Zack's recovery from Autism; they could not risk me offering that kind of hope to anyone. Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I thought to myself, "Without hope, all we parents have is complete and utter desperation. How can you live with yourselves, knowing that you are intentionally denying other families hope?"
The final conclusion is thet the utterly corrupt drug-pushing medical profession/Autism Fad makes more money treating illness than they do curing it, thus they intentionally refrain from finding cures, and even shut up people like this who just want to help.
Good book.
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A Shot In the Dark
Why the P in the DPT vaccination may be hazardous to your child's health
by Harris L Coulter and Barbara Loe Fisher
This book opens guns-a-blazin' stating point-blank thet vaccines can kill you.
There have been indications that one cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is the Pertussis (Whooping Cough) vaccine administered to our newborns at 2, 4, and 6 months of age.
The following serious reactions to Pertussis vaccine are documented in more than 50 years of scientific literature and many are mentioned in guidelines produced for doctors by the American Medical Association (AMA), the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the Center For Disease Control (CDC), and even vaccine manufacturers themselves: high fever (over 105F), convulsions, unusual high-pitched screaming, persistent crying for 3 or more hours during which the child cannot be comforted, excessive somnolence (a deep sleep from which the child can be awakened only with great difficulty), collapse (sudden unconsciousness), encephalopathy (brain damage), and death (SIDS).
This is an alarming story of ignorance, and in some cases negligence, on the part of American physicians who give the Pertussis vaccine to our children. This is made painfully clear when parents tell how their children were injured by repeated injections or Pertussis vaccine even after suffering severe reactions to previous DPT shots.
It is a frustrating story of the curious failure by American drug companies to develop and produce a safer Pertussis vaccine, even though Japan, implementing US technology, began producing a safer vaccine in 1981. It is a disturbing story of drug manufacturers treating vaccines as just another commercial product while failing to monitor adverse reactions.
It is a frightening story of our Federal health agencies aggressively promoting a vaccine they know to be highly reactive, but failing to conduct tests for safety and ignoring information about vaccine reactions.
In the following pages, parents explain what happened to their once-healthy children after being given 1 to 5 DTP shots routinely administered to 96% of American children.
The first recorded description of Pertussis (Whooping Cough) was in 1578, when France had an actual Epidemic. The description states thet the coughing was so severe it caused the person to throw-up and even burst veins in their brain.
Paris and Rome had Epidemics in 1695. In Scandinavia there was a 15-year Epidemic in the mid-1700s which took 3,000 lives a year. 120,000 died in England between 1858 and 1865.
The main cause of death was starvation or dehydration, due to coughing so hard they would spastically dry-heave, get nose-bleeds, and even hemorrhage from their eyes. Those who did survive would have permanent brain-damage from cerebral hemorrhaging.
One reason for the decline in the mortality rate may be thet the population of Europe and the USA had acquired a degree of natural resistance after so many generations of exposure. In the 1920s and 30s, Whooping Cough was so common in America thet by the age of 10, 73% of children had a history of the disease - by then 50% would survive.
During WWII antibiotics were introduced which quelled the secondary infections, such as Pneumonia, commonly developing in Whooping Cough patients. Then a vaccine was introduced, which worked.
By the 1940s it was discovered thet if you mix Pertussis vaccine with Diphtheria vaccine it boosted the efficiency of the Diphtheria component. Tetanus was added. These 3 combined are known today as the DPT shot.
When the Polio vaccine was combined with the DPT, resulting in a new shot called Quadrigen. It went on the market in 1959, but was found to be highly reactive. Lawsuits were filed for the damage done to children by this vaccine, and it was taken off the market in 1968.
Today the Pertussis vaccine is grown on a Casein hydrolysate medium with yeast dialyzate, supplemented with agar and charcoal, and preserved with Thimerosol (made of 50% Mercury). Then are added hydrochloric acid, aluminum compound, sodium hydroxide, and salt. It can also include blood "from animals other than the horse." The mixture is prepared in vats, and the bacteria killed with heat and formaldehyde. It must be stored at near freezing temperatures. But is then shipped to wholesalers, then to pharmacies and private physicians. During this transport it bakes in UPS vans, and is tossed about with the rest of the mail, then injected into babies.
The FDA's vaccines specialist stated: "Pertussis vaccine is 1 of the more troublesome products to test and assay. It has 1 of the highest failure rates of all products submitted to the Bureau of Biologies for testing and release. 15 to 20% of all lots which pass the manufacturer's tests fail to pass the Bureau's tests."
Today the single potency test requires 5 samples of vaccine to be tested on 350 mice. If the vaccine stimulates immunity of "the majority" of mice [if 49% does not work, so what] it is considered to be effective in humans and is released for use on the public.
The vaccine is also subjected to a toxicity test to measure it's safety, meaning how likely it is to cause severe reactions in children. The vaccine is injected into the abdominal cavity of young mice to see if they continue to gain weight over a specific period of time. If the mice do not die, and continue to gain weight, the vaccine is considered by the FDA to be safe for children.
Luis Sauer reported in 1942 thet only 27% of a group of 89 babies developed protective antibodies when vaccinated at 3 months of age. He recommended thet vaccination begin no earlier than 7 months, having observed thet "most of these infants did not yet possess the power to develop adequate immunity when they were injected so early in life." Today the US Public Health Service and the AAP recommend thet a child receive the first DPT shot at 2 months of age (!), with subsequent shots given at 4, 6, and 18 months, and again sometime between the age of 4 and 6 years.
Doctors would not think of injecting a baby with the same number of units of Penicillin as an adult. Yet a 2-month-old baby weighing 9 pounds gets the same amount of vaccine as a 50-pound child entering Kindergarten.
In 1950 Britain's Medical Research Council conducted trials to determine the efficacy (not safety) of vaccines. These trials included 50,000 children, the majority of whom were over 14 months old. 8 had convulsions within 72 hours, 34 had convulsions within 28 days. The US health authorities have used this as evidence thet the vaccine was safe to give to infants as young as 6 weeks of age!
Interspersed throughout this book are stories told by parents about their child being damaged by vaccines. These lead to lists of books and web-sites thet back up their stories (thet vaccines do more harm than good).
This book recommends some web-sites you should check out - all of them are excellent:
www.thinktwice.com
www.whale.to
www.nvic.org
http://vactruth.com
www.ageofautism.com
www.naturalnews.com
Some books:
Vaccination Roulette
Callous Disregard
Waging War On the Autistic Child
All of these have been added to my list, to be reviewed soon.
In 1948 it was pointed out thet the neurological damage caused by the vaccine resembles the damage done by Whooping Cough. In 1955 it was shown thet EEGs of infants were altered by the DPT shot. In 1958 it was shown thet DPT caused permanent brain damage. No clinical trials of any kind were ever held in the USA to measure the Pertussis vaccine's safety or effectiveness.
The number of healthy children who have suffered mental or physical disturbance as a result of vaccination may be hundreds of thousands all over the World. This is a heavy price to pay for marginal and temporary protection against a disease that seldom now-days threatens the life or health of healthy children.
His mother said, "Overnight, he was turned from a brave and happy child into a trembling, fearful child who screamed in terror at the sight of balloons or at the thought of leaving the house. He would not even enter a room if someone was chewing gum. He would not leave the door-step when we went out; he would just stand there and scream and shake until we picked him up."
In 1982 it was stated, "Many infants cry and fret after Pertussis vaccination; a few adopt a pattern of consistent crying for periods of an hour or longer; the crying is often of unusual pitch and intensity, and the baby is inconsolable. This syndrome of screaming is believed to be encephalopathic in origin [i.e., caused by brain damage], and are to be considered as having nervous system complications, and thus further Pertussis vaccines should not be administered."
The 1984 product information insert of Wyeth Laboratories (the actual company thet made the vaccine) agreed, describing the reaction as "Screaming episodes characterized by a prolonged period of peculiar crying during which the infant cannot be comforted", and listing it as a contraindication; i.e., evidence thet this child should not receive any more vaccinations.
As of 1990, high-pitched screaming was considered an absolute contraindication to further Pertussis vaccine by the vaccine manufacturers themselves, and reported to the Public Health Service's Immunization Practices Advisory Committee and the American Academy of Pediatrics.
"The pediatrician ignored the reaction and gave the child 2 more DPT shots which were followed by convulsions."
I think 1 of the main problems with this whole subject is thet most of the vaccines (at least in my case) are given by the school system during class hours, thus the parents are not present to witness their children screaming and convulsing. My parents knew I had a bad reaction as a baby, because they were there, but had no clue the majority of the damage was done to me at the age of 11 in public school (wherein I went numb all over, lost half my visual processing ability, acquired CAPD, and wailed in high pitch, after which I became fixated on inventing words thet had emotional definitions to me but were gibberish to anyone else.)
The nation-wide promotion of "no cause and effect" by the CDC and the AAP has resulted in a tragic mass-denial by many physicians.
"Within 48 hours of his 3rd DPT shot, Patrick began staring, dropping his head to his chest, and falling asleep without warning. He would just lay in his crib asleep with his eyes open. Then he had seizures.
He was put on a powerful steroid, ACTH, to try to stop the seizures, during which he became bloated, accumulated fat around his neck, developed diarrhea, Thrush, and ear infections. The neurologist assured me it does not mean anything. The ACTH did not stop his seizures."
2 blood disorders have been associated with DPT vaccination: Thrombocytopenia and Hemolytic Anemia.
Thrombocytopenia is a reduced number of platelets circulating in the blood. This causes blotchy red patches caused by thinned blood seeping into the tissues beneath the skin. The manufacturer's product insert stated "DPT should not be given to infants or children with Thrombocytopenia or any coagulation disorder."
Hemolytic Anemia is the premature death of the red blood cells and the inability of the bone marrow to produce more cells quickly enough to replace those that have died.
Again the manufacturers product insert states thet "The development of Hemolytic Anemia after a DPT shot is a contraindication of further Pertussis vaccination."
Then a story is told by another parent about their 2-year-old developing these very symptoms, resulting in the child spending 6 days in the hospital. The doctors stated thet they did not expect him to survive. They blamed the mother for not feeding him properly.
Then he was given his 5th DPT shot. He nearly died again. The father gave up on the useless doctors and researched the symptoms himself, discovering thet the DPT shot is what had nearly killed his kid twice. He brought the medical text books to the hospital and showed the doctors the evidence. They all walked away in flat-out denial. "I would say they are covering it up."
Physicians have suggested thet parents give their children sweetened fruit juice before vaccination to prevent the child from going into vaccine-induced Hypoglycemic shock.
Once again, the manufacturers themselves openly state thet "SIDS has occurred in infants following administration of DPT", while coroners obediently stay silent, defining SIDS as "The Apnea Hypothesis", meaning the child died because it stopped breathing, with no explanation of why it stopped breathing. "It died because it stopped breathing. Duuuh." No, it stopped breathing because it died!
Independent research has proven thet SIDS is caused by DPT vaccinations, though the National Institute of Child Health and Development "excluded DTP as a causal factor in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Obedient whores.
Another parent states; "My pediatrician swears Douglas did not die from the shot. They tell me he died of Pneumonia, though 1 day earlier my doctor had pronounced him totally healthy. Just before Douglas died, the doctor said to us, 'I want you to know thet Spinal Meningitis was setting in, and he would not have survived with all thet was wrong with him.' Spinal Meningitis was not mentioned in the Autopsy."
Clear back in 1954, Miller and Stanton described several cases of severe reactions to the Pertussis vaccine, and commented, "One of the most serious features of these complications is the evidence of residual damage to the nervous system. Continued Epileptic fits, residual Hemiplegia (total paralysis of the arm, leg, and trunk on the same side of the body), blindness, mental defect, behavior disorders, and reversal of the sleep rhythm have been reported, and it appears that about 2/3 of the patients who recover from the acute phase are liable to manifest such residua."
In 1960 Strom described cases of Pertussis vaccine damage that included progressive mental deterioration, cerebral palsy, deafness, and Epilepsy.
In 1977 Stewart analyzed 197 cases of children with neurological reactions to the DPT shot and concluded, "In all but a few of the cases studied here, these signs were followed in a few days or weeks by the arrest or loss of mental development and by varying degrees of physical handicap ranging from spasticity to complete paralysis of all but the vital reflexes."
The learning-disabled population in public schools of America rose from 830,000 in 1958 to just under 2,000,000 in 1989, and these numbers increased even as school enrollment declined. Is it a coincidence that this dramatic rise in America's learning disabled population occurred precisely during the 3 decades when Pertussis vaccine was being extended to include virtually all American children?
Most often a child with minimal brain-dysfunction has a normal or above average IQ. But he seems to suffer from some impairment of the ability to transmit information from the senses to the brain, and to process this information in order to initiate speech, action, and behavior. These are the defining characteristics of Autism.
The common occurrence of small children writing letters backward (Dyspraxia) is shown to be a symptom of vaccine damage.
Ryan was given his first DPT shot at 6 weeks (!), and within an hour was running a fever of 105. He had violent reactions: His leg was swollen 3 times it's size, and he screamed helplessly on and off for 3 days and nights. My doctor said he was just having a reaction, and thet it was normal.
Correct! It is perfectly normal to have these horrifying reactions to a deadly poison!
In this entire book, this is the only mention of Autism:
This breakdown in the ability of the brain to process and translate understanding into speech or action may be carried so far thet the child is labeled "Autistic". Bradley had grand mal seizures within 24 hours of his second DPT shot, and now has 5-6 uncontrollable grand mal seizures each month. He cannot talk. He can repeat what you say, but he cannot have a conversation with you. They like to give kids a label, but it is hard to label Bradley. I have been told he is Autistic and retarded and all sorts of things. Yet he can put a 100-piece puzzle together and count to 20 in Spanish. He can sings songs from tapes, but he cannot speak unless you tell him what to say, and then he can only repeat the words you say.
The phenomenon of early infantile Autism was first observed in the early '40s, a few years after the Pertussis vaccine became more widely used in the USA.
Medical science [shrugs helplessly in denial, and in depraved indifference declares thet it] has yet to find a cause of Autism, which in 1980 was defined as "a condition in which the individual is dominated by objective, self-centered trends of thought or behavior which are not subject to correction by external information, and which cause developmental language disorders and inability to adjust socially." In other words, the brain appears to be separated from the senses in Autistic children. The parallel to certain cases of Pertussis vaccine-damage is striking.
Hyperactivity is then discussed:
Hyperactivity and occasional violent behavior are a problem for another little boy who reacted to a DPT shot. "Within 1 hour his leg became swollen and red. He began high-pitched screaming and ran a temperature of more than 105. Then he had convulsions. From that day on he would arch his back with only his head and the back of his heels touching the floor, and he would scream while doing this. It happened 4 or 5 times a day until he was 4 1/2 years old. My doctor shrugged and acted like it was nothing to worry about. All I could do was put him in a corner where he could not hurt himself. One day he had a convulsion thet lasted 5 hours."
Unbelievably, he received 2 more DPT shots! "Because he was having seizures and screaming so much all the time, I could not have separated a new reaction from his usual behavior. The doctor [Mengele?] who gave him all 3 shots told me I just had to live with it."
I cannot understand why parents do this to their kids. Why can't they remember when they themselves got vaccines? I vividly recall vaccination days in public school wherein 2/3 of the kids would routinely go into high-pitched wailing, have convulsions, or drop to the floor unconscious, while the shark-eyed psycho-nurse inflicting these injuries did not flinch; and these kids "grow up" to do this to their own kids? WTF!
I relayed this paragraph to a mom who has a child just getting ready to enter school. Her response was to say (in indignance) "Well, it is the law!", angry with me for trying to get her to do something illegal. She is an unfit parent, because she thinks she should obey the law (and there is no law stating vaccines are mandatory).
We know exactly what causes Autism, but we somehow fail to publicly inject all medical doctors with DPT and MMR every year until they die?
In 1983 The Stanford University School of Medicine published a study suggesting thet some children with allergies may be genetically predisposed to reacting to the Pertussis vaccine. Mice with a particular set of genes who had been pre-sensitized to the milk protein BSA (found in cow's milk and the milk of mothers who drink cow's milk) died shortly after being injected with Pertussis vaccine, and manifested a clinical syndrome resembling post-Pertussis vaccination encephalopathy. The control group of mice thet did not have the genes and were not pre-sensitized to BSA did not die.
All humans are allergic to animal's milk, and many are also Lactose-intolerant. Autistics specifically are also hyper-sensitive to the milk protein Casein.
Milk turns to acid in your blood, causing your body to dump it's own Calcium into your system to defeat the acidity. This Calcium comes from your bones, resulting in Osteoporosis; i.e., the weakening of your bones! Dr Frankenstein Mengele tells you to drink milk for strong bones, because it is in fact high in Calcium, but the Calcium in milk is useless because the acid weakens your bones faster than the Calcium can strengthen them.
Goat's milk turns to alkali in your system and is thus good for your bones, and it digests in 15 minutes (as opposed to cow's milk which takes 45 minutes to digest). But goat's milk has Beta-Casein in it, which Autistics are more hyper-sensitive to than the Casein in cow's milk, and just as much Lactose. Milk-drinkers also develop breast cancer.
Famous Aspie Ladyhawk said she was unable to drink her own mother's milk - probably because mom was drinking milk. Conclusion: Never drink milk!
Every chapter includes a (horror) story told by a parent who's child was damaged by the DPT vaccine.
"I took him back to the doctor for what seems like the hundredth time, and told him Steven was having headaches. He said, 'Children that age do not have headaches.' I told him Steven was deliberately hitting his head on the hardest surface he could find, and was having uncontrollable screaming fits every day for no reason. He said, 'Lots of kids throw tantrums.' I told him Steven seemed delayed in learning to walk. He said, 'Some babies walk later than others.' I told him Steven was always sick. He said, 'He just has a respiratory infection and fluid in his ears.' He made me feel like I was being a hysterical mother, but I knew there was something wrong with my son." That is a classic: "Oh no, he is not sick. He is just sick. You are being hysterical."
I have never in my life been to a doctor who was not utterly useless; in fact all of them were harmful for prescribing drugs to mask the symptoms (of a disease I did not have) rather than find the cause of my illness (intestinal damage caused by vaccines). They are all guilty of Crimes Against Humanity as far as I am concerned. 100% of this child's problems were caused by the medical profession, and 100% of the problems were intentionally ignored by the medical profession.
"I could not believe a psychologist was willing to label my 4-year-old as 'trainable but not educable.' Despite the fact Steven was never well and could not control his behavior, at the age of 4 he was teaching himself to read and to add numbers. I became convinced thet his problems were primarily physical and not intellectual, but I could not convince any of them of that."
In 1982 5 cases of Whooping Cough were reported in Maryland. The Department of Health issued a press-release declaring an "Epidemic!" Later it was found thet the only children with Whooping Cough were those who had been given the vaccine to supposedly prevent it.
I have had full-blown Measles twice. Both times immediately after receiving the Measles vaccine. You are not supposed to be able to get it twice - but I did, thanks to vaccinations. This proves thet vaccination absolutely does not prevent disease - it only causes it!
After England's 1982 Whooping Cough "Epidemic!", Dr Herbert Barrie of the London Charing Cross Hospital formally protested the "campaign of terror" being waged in favor of vaccinations (thet caused the outbreak, only in those who had been vaccinated).
And - There is no reliable yardstick with which to measure the true incidence of the disease in modern industrialized societies nor the ability of the Pertussis vaccine to prevent it.
One of the major difficulties in diagnosing Whooping Cough is it's mildness. There have been increasingly mild and abortive forms with a corresponding reduction of the severer clinical cases. Pertussis was very rare in Sweden in the 1960s. About 90% of all infants were vaccinated at that time. In the first years of the 1970s Whooping Cough returned with few smaller local outbreaks. The number of cases were modest. In general, the disease has been mild even in infants. No deaths nor cases of brain-damage caused by the disease have been seen [in naturally occurring cases. Brain-damage comes from the vaccine.]
Due to the ineffective vaccine, and the present mild clinical course of Pertussis in Sweden, the vaccination program has been stopped since 1970. A similar experience was reported for West Germany, another country thet stopped mass Pertussis vaccination in 1970.
In the USA, the CDC reported thet with 6 - 37% of children the vaccine does not "take", thus these children can and do catch Whooping Cough naturally. These vaccinated children who do not develop immunity still run the risk of a serious reaction to the vaccine, getting the worst of both worlds. And for those who do develop immunity to the disease through vaccination, the vaccine's effect wears off in a few years. The efficacy falls to 40% after 7 years. This contrasts sharply with the life-long immunity conferred by disease it's self [when contracted naturally].
Something not clearly stated in this book is thet T in DPT is Tetanus. Tetanus is commonly known as Lock-jaw, a disease only farm animals get. It is practically extinct, due to ranchers eradicating it through animal vaccination programs, and is not contagious to humans unless they get the feces or blood of an infected animal directly into their blood-stream. The drug-pushing medical profession continues to give routine vaccinations of Tetanus in the DPT shot to infants. Then they give them to any person who cuts themself, even though they had no possible way of naturally contracting the disease (through infected blood or feces).
The Tetanus shot causes Hypoglycemia while being utterly useless. Doctors (Mengele and Frankenstein) routinely give "Tetanus Booster" shots to everyone, even if they have never cut themselves, to prevent infection from a disease thet is functionally extinct and impossible for the average person to even come in contact with. Have you ever seen an animal thet has Lock-jaw? No! And you never will. So why get a booster shot filled with Mercury and Formaldehyde thet causes Hypoglycemia for a disease thet you will never come in contact with?
Then when giving the Tetanus booster the doctor will often "up-date" the DPT along with it, because they know it's efficacy has waned over the years.
Two private drug manufacturers are the principal distributors of DPT vaccine in the USA. Both include a list of severe reactions and contraindications in the product information inserts accompanying the packages of vaccine. Because these manufacturers are interested in protecting themselves from lawsuits for the deaths and injuries caused by their product, they have often been the most cautious in defining who should and should not receive their vaccines. The American Academy of Pediatrics periodically publishes the Red Book, reiterating these concerns. The US Public Health Service has an Immunization Practices Advisory Committee which makes recommendations on contraindications and use of vaccines in Public Health Clinics. The Centers for Disease Control also publishes them in their Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. But their goal is to achieve 100% vaccination of all children in the USA, thus they withhold the information the pharmaceutical industry openly admits. The Red Book it's self is intentionally so vague and contradictory thet Doctors can just shrug and make shit up concerning what is a "normal reaction."
Within 15 hours of her first DPT shot at 6 weeks of age (!), Theresa started high-pitched screaming and running a fever of 102. For the next 2 weeks she alternately screamed, turned blue, and went into a state of collapse. "I kept calling my doctor, and he told me thet because Theresa had been delivered by C-Section she was screaming." This doctor then administered the 2nd DPT shot, which resulted in a repetition of all of the above symptoms plus new convulsions. He then administered the 3rd shot. "After her 3rd shot she would go in and out of convulsions all day long. They are trying to make me take her in for her 4th DPT shot, for she cannot get into school without it." As if this damaged of child can possibly get anything out of the useless public school curriculum anyway.
In The Brooklyn Hospital Journal, Brody described the mental deterioration and eventual death of a 5-month-old boy who had a questionable neurological history even before vaccination, and displayed increasingly severe neurological signs 2 weeks after his 1st Pertussis shot, 1 week after his 2nd shot, 3 days after his 3rd shot, and within 25 minutes of his 4th shot. He became completely paralyzed and died. And Dr Frankenstein Mengele never made the connection, as the parents shrug helplessly and yell at me, "It is the law!", offended thet I would ask them to do something "unethical" (like refraining from killing their child).
In England in the 1950s and 60s, a personal or family history of allergies was a contraindication. The Dow Chemical Company's DPT product insert in the 60s urged fractional doses of vaccine in infants with a "strong family history of allergy." More recently, even the government of former Eastern Germany advised thet "persons with allergic disease symptoms should not be given a DPT shot less than 4 weeks following recovery."
In 1953 the Royal Northern Infirmary in Scotland mentioned thet "vaccination might activate a previously latent neurotropic virus" triggering a virus into activity.
In 1974 Archie Kalokerinos MD published Every Second Child, describing his experiences treating aboriginal babies in Australia. He maintained thet a portion of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is caused by acute vitamin C deficiency triggered by vaccinations.
I wonder if any of these "White man's diseases" even existed in Aboriginal Australia before they were introduced by vaccination programs.
"Some would die within hours of vaccination from acute vitamin C deficiency. If some managed to survive, they would be lined up again, and a month later lined up again. Then there would be booster shots, shots for Measles, Polio, and even Tuberculosis. Little wonder they died. The wonder is thet any survived. We were actually killing infants through our lack of understanding."
Meanwhile the AMA officially puts out reports stating thet anyone who is anti-vaccines is "biased, histrionic, and inaccurate", and even "a-moral and psychopathic." See Barbara Loe Fisher's web-site at
vaccineawakening.blogspot.com
Concerning the 3 top producers of DPT vaccine, in June 1984 Wyeth Laboratories announced it was ceasing production of DPT vaccine, claiming the high cost of law-suits as the reason for leaving the market. Connaught declared it was limiting it's distribution of DPT vaccine because it could not negotiate adequate product liability insurance coverage. 2 weeks later, Lederle more than doubled the price of of it's vaccine.
This chain of events prompted the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to call a strategy conference, attended by the CDC, FDA, AMA, vaccine manufacturers, and others, thet was closed to the press. Most participants maintained thet law-suits were driving manufacturers out of the market, and thet the solution to shaky public confidence was to win more of these troublesome law-suits. A lawyer representing the vaccine manufacturers suggested Congress should pass a Vaccine Injury Compensation bill thet takes away parent's rights to sue manufacturers. The FDA official agreed. One physician concluded, "We must not say anything to the press thet will threaten mandatory vaccination laws." The campaign of terror was about to begin.
Between Dec of 1984 and Feb 1985, most national media [the lap-dog press] continued to report [mindlessly parrot] the vaccine-shortage myth, despite revelations thet there was no shortage at all. By November the AAP had issued posters for display in Pediatricians offices stating thet if parents did not vaccinate their children with DPT, "almost 500,000 children could fall victim to Pertussis. Over 14,000 cases would end in death." Then they issued a press release announcing thet Whooping Cough was a "near epidemic levels" in 8 states. It blamed the increase on parents delaying vaccination.
An independent check of Health Departments by Dissatisfied Parents Together (DPT) in the 8 states listed by the AAP revealed: 3 of those 8 States had fewer Pertussis cases in 1985 than in 1984, and nearly 50% of those occurred in vaccinated individuals.
In 1977 the British Epidemiological Research Laboratory reported thet "Since the 30% decline in Pertussis immunization, hospital admission and death rates from Whooping Cough have unexpectedly declined."
A Swedish immunologist studied the efficacy and toxicity of Pertussis vaccine around the world and concluded in 1984 thet most Pertussis vaccines are only protective for 2 to 5 years, and thet even countries with 90 - 95% vaccination rates (such as the USA) could not prevent disease. He concluded thet "Pertussis-related mortality is currently very low in industrialized countries, and no difference can be discerned when countries with high, low, and zero immunization rates are compared." He added thet England, Wales, and West Germany had more Pertussis fatalities in 1970 when immunization rate was high than during 1980 when immunization rates had fallen.
Then we have another horror-story told by a parent of a vaccine-damaged child - this book contains 7 such stories.
"It all started when we tried to get the school to help Theresa by giving her Special Education. She is handicapped, and she needs that kind of Special Education thet is spelled out in Public Law 94-142. But the school told us they did not have the money or the facilities to give her Special Education, even though they had been receiving Federal funds for years to educate handicapped kids. Then they refused to categorize her as handicapped so they would not have to provide it. When I told them it was the law, and thet they had to provide it, they got mad at us."
Don worked for the local catfish farm thet provided catfish for the whole town. As part of his salary, Don was allowed to take home all the catfish his family could eat. His boss also paid a percentage of Don's utility bills. But when they tried to get Special Education for their child, Don's boss told him thet unless he stopped pressing for Special Education, he would dock Don's pay $20 a week. When Don refused to stop, he refused to let Don take home any catfish. Then he stopped paying the utility bill percentage. And when that did not work, he said, "I told you to drop it, and you did not, so you are fired."
The family attended the local Methodist Church. "There was a women's group in our church and many teachers and members of the school-board belonged to it. They told the group thet we had asked for a wheel-chair lift for the buss and $35,000 worth of therapy equipment. They accused us of wanting the whole school remodeled for Theresa. All Therese needed was a big rubber ball and 2 broomsticks for her physical therapy which would have cost $35."
Theresa's older brother, age 16, remembers what happened to him at school. "The kids stopped talking to me. I was told by the Superintendent thet I had to get Theresa on and off the school bus every day because she was in a wheel-chair. One day when I was required to leave class to help Theresa, my teacher said, 'If you leave this class again, don't you ever come back.'"
Mom said, "Every day one of the children would come home crying."
When they refused to give up their fight for their daughter, the school's Education Supervisor summoned a psychologist to evaluate Theresa. The Psychologist said Theresa was not in need of Special Education, even though on the test she was not able to successfully perform any of the problems. "It did not matter. We lost the hearing."
So they gave up and moved to another town.
"It took a year before the schools system agreed to test Theresa. The word was thet we were trouble-makers and thet there was nothing wrong with our kid - even though Theresa was the only child in class who could not write her name, hold a pencil correctly, use scissors, or tie her shoes. The Special Education Agency said we had to prove thet Theresa had educational deficits, but they refused to accept any medical records or the results of previous tests."
Their other vaccine-damaged child needed to use a tape-recorder to take notes in class, and use a typewriter to do his school work. "They said no child was allowed to take typing until they entered high-school." The school refused to allow him to use these devices he already knew how to use and had provided himself. "They also refused to allow him to play sports, though he needed them as physical therapy to keep the weakness in his right side from getting worse.
His teachers have been giving him As and Bs on his report card. He brought home a spelling test on which he had received a 96, though there were 12 mis-spelled words. They told me they will not evaluate a child for Special Education unless they are failing." Thus, they lie so the child will not be eligible.
"I know they are receiving funds. Sometimes the number of handicapped kids is inflated (they call them 'phantom kids') so the federal appropriations will be larger, but the money is used for things like athletics and administrators' salaries instead of educating even the real handicapped kids."
You must watch the documentary films Waiting for Superman, The Cartel, and The War On Kids. All of them reveal the utter corruption of the outright harmful public school system.
All of these problems are caused by the fact public school exists. The only reason these kids were injected with DPT, MRR, and Mercury and Formaldehyde, thus frying their brains and bodies, is so they could attend this witch-burning cult/useless public school. Once there, the school intentionally withholds education, while pillaging the National Treasury in utter corruption. If you send your child to public school, you are an unfit parent.
It took me many months to review this book because I could only write 5 paragraphs or so before I would go into a rage.
I will consciously cultivate my hatred of the medical profession and the school system until my dying day. And I will never forgive my parents for dragging me to incompetent moron drug-pushing doctors and making me go to the viciously evil public school.
The above example of the child wanting to use his own typewriter in class, but being told he was forbidden to learn until high-school (something he already knew how to do!), is exactly what every day of school was like for me. I am gifted and I am a genius, but the school system strangulated my intellect with this overt withholding of education, while viciously ripping me to shreds before the class, who were then left with no recourse but to bully who the teacher told them to in threat of them being next if they did not. It was never the bully kids who were the problem, as much as the bully teachers, with steely-eyed spite, spitting "I hate you people!" at me before the class, while forbidding me to learn what I was interested in (or even gifted at!).
The only reason any of these kids received these killer vaccines is because they had to have them in order to wallow in the cesspool-I-mean-attend public school. Why can't anyone get it through their heads to simply tell the school system to fuck off! - in which case no vaccines will be "necessary".
No child of mine will attend any (witch-burning cult) public school nor see any (Frankenstein Mengele) medical doctor - at least not in this evil country.
This book goes into some detail about how batches of vaccines are manufactured, separated into lots, and distributed. Occasionally there will be a "hot lot" which is deadly, killing and permanently maiming kids. The manufacturers keep track of these records, but the FDA does not require them to tell anyone, in fact the FDA purposely keeps the tracking-schedules secret so the public can be kept ignorant and thus keep mindlessly taking shots.
Throughout this book, the Big Pharma vaccine manufacturers are repeatedly shown to be concerned about their product (though not necessarily because they care about their customers - it is more because they do not want to get sued), but the Medical Profession is so corrupt, they are the one's who keep demanding more shipments of vaccines so they can keep making money pushing these useless and harmful drugs. The Doctors are the enemy, not necessarily (or at least comparatively) the manufacturers.
In 1957 Parke-Davis decided to combine the Salk Polio vaccine with their existing DPT shot. The new product was called Quadrigen, but was so deadly thet it was pulled from the market; i.e., one of the first babies injected ran a fever of 108, was left paralyzed on his right side, with a permanent seizure disorder, and a resulting IQ of 5!
This Quadrigen story reveals how the government's testing procedures for new vaccines may fail to protect the public's safety. It is also a clear-cut example of a vaccine manufacturer ignoring unfavorable preliminary test data and elementary safety precautions in it's haste to market new product (at least in this Quadrigen case; i.e., since that disaster, they have been more careful to avoid law-suits).
Michigan and Massachusetts are the only States thet manufacture their own DPT. In 1975 Michigan was producing 800,000 doses annually and was 1 of the Nation's major distributors. In July of 1975, their DPT vaccine lot 1182 was sent to the FDA for routine testing prior to release. The FDA found thet lot 1182 was 3 times more potent than regulations allowed and thus refused to allow Michigan to distribute it. Rather than immediately destroy the defective lot (400,000 doses), Michigan health officials decided to see just how reactive it was by testing it on several hundred kids!
The parents of these kids sued the State for "potentially lethal misconduct", and "callous disregard for human life." The State of Michigan asked thet the suits be dismissed, protesting thet the doctrine of Sovereign Immunity protects the State Government from claims arising from services thet only the Government can provide. Though the public could always get these vaccines from commercial manufacturers (it was not providing a service thet was only available from the State), the Court decided the parent of children injured or killed by vaccines could not sue the State.
This leaves the manufacturers in a Monopoly position; i.e., if Ford manufactures the spontaneous-combustion Pinto, the people who die in the fireball press enough law-suits to make Ford stop producing it. But if the manufacturers of vaccines make deadly concoctions thet kill people, the courts protect them from lawsuits, in fact actively promote laws requiring mandatory vaccinations! This is the equivalent of the Government requiring all people to drive Pintos, while banning them from suing Ford for the resulting (mass) deaths.
This book then goes onto some revolting details about the individuals who work as lobbyists lubing the anuses-I-mean-"greasing the wheels" of corruption throughout the system, making sure the lap-dog press obediently report only what they are told to by their puppet-masters.
Then comes the science-fiction horror of "The Future of Vaccines." Unfortunately it is not fiction: More than 200 vaccines are being created in Government and company labs. Scientists are creating a genetically-engineered super-vaccine to be squirted into the mouths of babies at the moment of birth thet will inject raw DNA from 30 to 40 viruses and bacteria directly into the infant's cells and be time-released throughout childhood. There is little question thet Federal and State health officials will be passing regulations legally requiring all citizens to use these vaccines.
By 1997 more than half of all States have already passed regulations requiring all children to get 3 doses of Hepatitis B vaccine before being allowed to attend daycare or schools. Of course, children are incapable of contracting this sexually-transmitted disease.
By the mid-90s, American children were required to get 34 doses of 10 different vaccines by the time they entered school; their grandparents had only been required to get 1: Small Pox. And the medical profession continues to shrug helplessly and claim they have no clue where Autism comes from.
The Important-information forms thet parents must sign before a child is vaccinated specifically state thet the parents have had a chance to read the information, have their questions answered, and believe they understand the benefits and risks. It then states thet they "request" the vaccines be given to their child. The word "Request" implies thet you desire it. But there is no choice. "The State will not give the vaccines unless I request it and sign the forms thet prove I requested it. If I do not request it, my kid cannot get into school. If my kid does not go to school, I can be charged with truancy or child neglect, and he can be taken from me. Why should I be forced to prescribe medicine for my own child? If my child is damaged by the vaccine, the State and the drug manufacturers can say, 'You requested it!'"
There is no Federal law requiring vaccination of children. There are no State laws either. There is only the Public Health Adviser of each State who makes "recommendations." But the corruption of the drug-pushers "encourage" the Adviser to convince the State to push vaccination programs - resulting in "mandatory" vaccinations for any child who attends day-care or public school.
Meanwhile the Governors of each State have been brainwashed to believe thet if a few people have written exemptions from their doctors stating thet their particular child is hyper-sensitive and thus should not get vaccinated, this will lead to there being a large enough pool of un-vaccinated people thet an epidemic might erupt. Thus, no one should be allowed an exemption - "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few"; i.e., a few kids should be sacrificed to corruption so the majority can be "safe" (from diseases thet are extinct or practically impossible to contract in nature) - resulting Autistics be damned.
In 1993, there was a Whooping Cough outbreak in Cincinnati. More than 80% of the children under the age of 5 who got Whooping Cough had been appropriately vaccinated for their age with DPT. So they still get Whooping Cough, and because of the vaccine, Autism too!
In America, all children are routinely injected with 4 doses of DPT (containing 12 antigens), 1 dose of MMR (3 antigens), and 4 doses of Polio (12 antigens), for a total of 27 antigens by the time they are 18 months old! And we are racing to develop vaccines for everything from Croup to tooth decay.
What are we doing to ourselves and our children? The answer is, we do not know.
This writer repeats himself often, apparently his intent is to simply re-cap what was said in the previous 2 chapters, but it comes across as redundant, when I think he was just trying repetition for emphasis - he does in fact get the point across and makes very sure you know what that point is - absolutely no misunderstandings. But as I am writing this review, I repeatedly realize this has already been said before, and before, and before. It is not annoying, just unnecessary.
Otherwise a very highly-recommended book (If you can keep from blowing a gasket in rage).
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Why the P in the DPT vaccination may be hazardous to your child's health
by Harris L Coulter and Barbara Loe Fisher
This book opens guns-a-blazin' stating point-blank thet vaccines can kill you.
There have been indications that one cause of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is the Pertussis (Whooping Cough) vaccine administered to our newborns at 2, 4, and 6 months of age.
The following serious reactions to Pertussis vaccine are documented in more than 50 years of scientific literature and many are mentioned in guidelines produced for doctors by the American Medical Association (AMA), the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the Center For Disease Control (CDC), and even vaccine manufacturers themselves: high fever (over 105F), convulsions, unusual high-pitched screaming, persistent crying for 3 or more hours during which the child cannot be comforted, excessive somnolence (a deep sleep from which the child can be awakened only with great difficulty), collapse (sudden unconsciousness), encephalopathy (brain damage), and death (SIDS).
This is an alarming story of ignorance, and in some cases negligence, on the part of American physicians who give the Pertussis vaccine to our children. This is made painfully clear when parents tell how their children were injured by repeated injections or Pertussis vaccine even after suffering severe reactions to previous DPT shots.
It is a frustrating story of the curious failure by American drug companies to develop and produce a safer Pertussis vaccine, even though Japan, implementing US technology, began producing a safer vaccine in 1981. It is a disturbing story of drug manufacturers treating vaccines as just another commercial product while failing to monitor adverse reactions.
It is a frightening story of our Federal health agencies aggressively promoting a vaccine they know to be highly reactive, but failing to conduct tests for safety and ignoring information about vaccine reactions.
In the following pages, parents explain what happened to their once-healthy children after being given 1 to 5 DTP shots routinely administered to 96% of American children.
The first recorded description of Pertussis (Whooping Cough) was in 1578, when France had an actual Epidemic. The description states thet the coughing was so severe it caused the person to throw-up and even burst veins in their brain.
Paris and Rome had Epidemics in 1695. In Scandinavia there was a 15-year Epidemic in the mid-1700s which took 3,000 lives a year. 120,000 died in England between 1858 and 1865.
The main cause of death was starvation or dehydration, due to coughing so hard they would spastically dry-heave, get nose-bleeds, and even hemorrhage from their eyes. Those who did survive would have permanent brain-damage from cerebral hemorrhaging.
One reason for the decline in the mortality rate may be thet the population of Europe and the USA had acquired a degree of natural resistance after so many generations of exposure. In the 1920s and 30s, Whooping Cough was so common in America thet by the age of 10, 73% of children had a history of the disease - by then 50% would survive.
During WWII antibiotics were introduced which quelled the secondary infections, such as Pneumonia, commonly developing in Whooping Cough patients. Then a vaccine was introduced, which worked.
By the 1940s it was discovered thet if you mix Pertussis vaccine with Diphtheria vaccine it boosted the efficiency of the Diphtheria component. Tetanus was added. These 3 combined are known today as the DPT shot.
When the Polio vaccine was combined with the DPT, resulting in a new shot called Quadrigen. It went on the market in 1959, but was found to be highly reactive. Lawsuits were filed for the damage done to children by this vaccine, and it was taken off the market in 1968.
Today the Pertussis vaccine is grown on a Casein hydrolysate medium with yeast dialyzate, supplemented with agar and charcoal, and preserved with Thimerosol (made of 50% Mercury). Then are added hydrochloric acid, aluminum compound, sodium hydroxide, and salt. It can also include blood "from animals other than the horse." The mixture is prepared in vats, and the bacteria killed with heat and formaldehyde. It must be stored at near freezing temperatures. But is then shipped to wholesalers, then to pharmacies and private physicians. During this transport it bakes in UPS vans, and is tossed about with the rest of the mail, then injected into babies.
The FDA's vaccines specialist stated: "Pertussis vaccine is 1 of the more troublesome products to test and assay. It has 1 of the highest failure rates of all products submitted to the Bureau of Biologies for testing and release. 15 to 20% of all lots which pass the manufacturer's tests fail to pass the Bureau's tests."
Today the single potency test requires 5 samples of vaccine to be tested on 350 mice. If the vaccine stimulates immunity of "the majority" of mice [if 49% does not work, so what] it is considered to be effective in humans and is released for use on the public.
The vaccine is also subjected to a toxicity test to measure it's safety, meaning how likely it is to cause severe reactions in children. The vaccine is injected into the abdominal cavity of young mice to see if they continue to gain weight over a specific period of time. If the mice do not die, and continue to gain weight, the vaccine is considered by the FDA to be safe for children.
Luis Sauer reported in 1942 thet only 27% of a group of 89 babies developed protective antibodies when vaccinated at 3 months of age. He recommended thet vaccination begin no earlier than 7 months, having observed thet "most of these infants did not yet possess the power to develop adequate immunity when they were injected so early in life." Today the US Public Health Service and the AAP recommend thet a child receive the first DPT shot at 2 months of age (!), with subsequent shots given at 4, 6, and 18 months, and again sometime between the age of 4 and 6 years.
Doctors would not think of injecting a baby with the same number of units of Penicillin as an adult. Yet a 2-month-old baby weighing 9 pounds gets the same amount of vaccine as a 50-pound child entering Kindergarten.
In 1950 Britain's Medical Research Council conducted trials to determine the efficacy (not safety) of vaccines. These trials included 50,000 children, the majority of whom were over 14 months old. 8 had convulsions within 72 hours, 34 had convulsions within 28 days. The US health authorities have used this as evidence thet the vaccine was safe to give to infants as young as 6 weeks of age!
Interspersed throughout this book are stories told by parents about their child being damaged by vaccines. These lead to lists of books and web-sites thet back up their stories (thet vaccines do more harm than good).
This book recommends some web-sites you should check out - all of them are excellent:
www.thinktwice.com
www.whale.to
www.nvic.org
http://vactruth.com
www.ageofautism.com
www.naturalnews.com
Some books:
Vaccination Roulette
Callous Disregard
Waging War On the Autistic Child
All of these have been added to my list, to be reviewed soon.
In 1948 it was pointed out thet the neurological damage caused by the vaccine resembles the damage done by Whooping Cough. In 1955 it was shown thet EEGs of infants were altered by the DPT shot. In 1958 it was shown thet DPT caused permanent brain damage. No clinical trials of any kind were ever held in the USA to measure the Pertussis vaccine's safety or effectiveness.
The number of healthy children who have suffered mental or physical disturbance as a result of vaccination may be hundreds of thousands all over the World. This is a heavy price to pay for marginal and temporary protection against a disease that seldom now-days threatens the life or health of healthy children.
His mother said, "Overnight, he was turned from a brave and happy child into a trembling, fearful child who screamed in terror at the sight of balloons or at the thought of leaving the house. He would not even enter a room if someone was chewing gum. He would not leave the door-step when we went out; he would just stand there and scream and shake until we picked him up."
In 1982 it was stated, "Many infants cry and fret after Pertussis vaccination; a few adopt a pattern of consistent crying for periods of an hour or longer; the crying is often of unusual pitch and intensity, and the baby is inconsolable. This syndrome of screaming is believed to be encephalopathic in origin [i.e., caused by brain damage], and are to be considered as having nervous system complications, and thus further Pertussis vaccines should not be administered."
The 1984 product information insert of Wyeth Laboratories (the actual company thet made the vaccine) agreed, describing the reaction as "Screaming episodes characterized by a prolonged period of peculiar crying during which the infant cannot be comforted", and listing it as a contraindication; i.e., evidence thet this child should not receive any more vaccinations.
As of 1990, high-pitched screaming was considered an absolute contraindication to further Pertussis vaccine by the vaccine manufacturers themselves, and reported to the Public Health Service's Immunization Practices Advisory Committee and the American Academy of Pediatrics.
"The pediatrician ignored the reaction and gave the child 2 more DPT shots which were followed by convulsions."
I think 1 of the main problems with this whole subject is thet most of the vaccines (at least in my case) are given by the school system during class hours, thus the parents are not present to witness their children screaming and convulsing. My parents knew I had a bad reaction as a baby, because they were there, but had no clue the majority of the damage was done to me at the age of 11 in public school (wherein I went numb all over, lost half my visual processing ability, acquired CAPD, and wailed in high pitch, after which I became fixated on inventing words thet had emotional definitions to me but were gibberish to anyone else.)
The nation-wide promotion of "no cause and effect" by the CDC and the AAP has resulted in a tragic mass-denial by many physicians.
"Within 48 hours of his 3rd DPT shot, Patrick began staring, dropping his head to his chest, and falling asleep without warning. He would just lay in his crib asleep with his eyes open. Then he had seizures.
He was put on a powerful steroid, ACTH, to try to stop the seizures, during which he became bloated, accumulated fat around his neck, developed diarrhea, Thrush, and ear infections. The neurologist assured me it does not mean anything. The ACTH did not stop his seizures."
2 blood disorders have been associated with DPT vaccination: Thrombocytopenia and Hemolytic Anemia.
Thrombocytopenia is a reduced number of platelets circulating in the blood. This causes blotchy red patches caused by thinned blood seeping into the tissues beneath the skin. The manufacturer's product insert stated "DPT should not be given to infants or children with Thrombocytopenia or any coagulation disorder."
Hemolytic Anemia is the premature death of the red blood cells and the inability of the bone marrow to produce more cells quickly enough to replace those that have died.
Again the manufacturers product insert states thet "The development of Hemolytic Anemia after a DPT shot is a contraindication of further Pertussis vaccination."
Then a story is told by another parent about their 2-year-old developing these very symptoms, resulting in the child spending 6 days in the hospital. The doctors stated thet they did not expect him to survive. They blamed the mother for not feeding him properly.
Then he was given his 5th DPT shot. He nearly died again. The father gave up on the useless doctors and researched the symptoms himself, discovering thet the DPT shot is what had nearly killed his kid twice. He brought the medical text books to the hospital and showed the doctors the evidence. They all walked away in flat-out denial. "I would say they are covering it up."
Physicians have suggested thet parents give their children sweetened fruit juice before vaccination to prevent the child from going into vaccine-induced Hypoglycemic shock.
Once again, the manufacturers themselves openly state thet "SIDS has occurred in infants following administration of DPT", while coroners obediently stay silent, defining SIDS as "The Apnea Hypothesis", meaning the child died because it stopped breathing, with no explanation of why it stopped breathing. "It died because it stopped breathing. Duuuh." No, it stopped breathing because it died!
Independent research has proven thet SIDS is caused by DPT vaccinations, though the National Institute of Child Health and Development "excluded DTP as a causal factor in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Obedient whores.
Another parent states; "My pediatrician swears Douglas did not die from the shot. They tell me he died of Pneumonia, though 1 day earlier my doctor had pronounced him totally healthy. Just before Douglas died, the doctor said to us, 'I want you to know thet Spinal Meningitis was setting in, and he would not have survived with all thet was wrong with him.' Spinal Meningitis was not mentioned in the Autopsy."
Clear back in 1954, Miller and Stanton described several cases of severe reactions to the Pertussis vaccine, and commented, "One of the most serious features of these complications is the evidence of residual damage to the nervous system. Continued Epileptic fits, residual Hemiplegia (total paralysis of the arm, leg, and trunk on the same side of the body), blindness, mental defect, behavior disorders, and reversal of the sleep rhythm have been reported, and it appears that about 2/3 of the patients who recover from the acute phase are liable to manifest such residua."
In 1960 Strom described cases of Pertussis vaccine damage that included progressive mental deterioration, cerebral palsy, deafness, and Epilepsy.
In 1977 Stewart analyzed 197 cases of children with neurological reactions to the DPT shot and concluded, "In all but a few of the cases studied here, these signs were followed in a few days or weeks by the arrest or loss of mental development and by varying degrees of physical handicap ranging from spasticity to complete paralysis of all but the vital reflexes."
The learning-disabled population in public schools of America rose from 830,000 in 1958 to just under 2,000,000 in 1989, and these numbers increased even as school enrollment declined. Is it a coincidence that this dramatic rise in America's learning disabled population occurred precisely during the 3 decades when Pertussis vaccine was being extended to include virtually all American children?
Most often a child with minimal brain-dysfunction has a normal or above average IQ. But he seems to suffer from some impairment of the ability to transmit information from the senses to the brain, and to process this information in order to initiate speech, action, and behavior. These are the defining characteristics of Autism.
The common occurrence of small children writing letters backward (Dyspraxia) is shown to be a symptom of vaccine damage.
Ryan was given his first DPT shot at 6 weeks (!), and within an hour was running a fever of 105. He had violent reactions: His leg was swollen 3 times it's size, and he screamed helplessly on and off for 3 days and nights. My doctor said he was just having a reaction, and thet it was normal.
Correct! It is perfectly normal to have these horrifying reactions to a deadly poison!
In this entire book, this is the only mention of Autism:
This breakdown in the ability of the brain to process and translate understanding into speech or action may be carried so far thet the child is labeled "Autistic". Bradley had grand mal seizures within 24 hours of his second DPT shot, and now has 5-6 uncontrollable grand mal seizures each month. He cannot talk. He can repeat what you say, but he cannot have a conversation with you. They like to give kids a label, but it is hard to label Bradley. I have been told he is Autistic and retarded and all sorts of things. Yet he can put a 100-piece puzzle together and count to 20 in Spanish. He can sings songs from tapes, but he cannot speak unless you tell him what to say, and then he can only repeat the words you say.
The phenomenon of early infantile Autism was first observed in the early '40s, a few years after the Pertussis vaccine became more widely used in the USA.
Medical science [shrugs helplessly in denial, and in depraved indifference declares thet it] has yet to find a cause of Autism, which in 1980 was defined as "a condition in which the individual is dominated by objective, self-centered trends of thought or behavior which are not subject to correction by external information, and which cause developmental language disorders and inability to adjust socially." In other words, the brain appears to be separated from the senses in Autistic children. The parallel to certain cases of Pertussis vaccine-damage is striking.
Hyperactivity is then discussed:
Hyperactivity and occasional violent behavior are a problem for another little boy who reacted to a DPT shot. "Within 1 hour his leg became swollen and red. He began high-pitched screaming and ran a temperature of more than 105. Then he had convulsions. From that day on he would arch his back with only his head and the back of his heels touching the floor, and he would scream while doing this. It happened 4 or 5 times a day until he was 4 1/2 years old. My doctor shrugged and acted like it was nothing to worry about. All I could do was put him in a corner where he could not hurt himself. One day he had a convulsion thet lasted 5 hours."
Unbelievably, he received 2 more DPT shots! "Because he was having seizures and screaming so much all the time, I could not have separated a new reaction from his usual behavior. The doctor [Mengele?] who gave him all 3 shots told me I just had to live with it."
I cannot understand why parents do this to their kids. Why can't they remember when they themselves got vaccines? I vividly recall vaccination days in public school wherein 2/3 of the kids would routinely go into high-pitched wailing, have convulsions, or drop to the floor unconscious, while the shark-eyed psycho-nurse inflicting these injuries did not flinch; and these kids "grow up" to do this to their own kids? WTF!
I relayed this paragraph to a mom who has a child just getting ready to enter school. Her response was to say (in indignance) "Well, it is the law!", angry with me for trying to get her to do something illegal. She is an unfit parent, because she thinks she should obey the law (and there is no law stating vaccines are mandatory).
We know exactly what causes Autism, but we somehow fail to publicly inject all medical doctors with DPT and MMR every year until they die?
In 1983 The Stanford University School of Medicine published a study suggesting thet some children with allergies may be genetically predisposed to reacting to the Pertussis vaccine. Mice with a particular set of genes who had been pre-sensitized to the milk protein BSA (found in cow's milk and the milk of mothers who drink cow's milk) died shortly after being injected with Pertussis vaccine, and manifested a clinical syndrome resembling post-Pertussis vaccination encephalopathy. The control group of mice thet did not have the genes and were not pre-sensitized to BSA did not die.
All humans are allergic to animal's milk, and many are also Lactose-intolerant. Autistics specifically are also hyper-sensitive to the milk protein Casein.
Milk turns to acid in your blood, causing your body to dump it's own Calcium into your system to defeat the acidity. This Calcium comes from your bones, resulting in Osteoporosis; i.e., the weakening of your bones! Dr Frankenstein Mengele tells you to drink milk for strong bones, because it is in fact high in Calcium, but the Calcium in milk is useless because the acid weakens your bones faster than the Calcium can strengthen them.
Goat's milk turns to alkali in your system and is thus good for your bones, and it digests in 15 minutes (as opposed to cow's milk which takes 45 minutes to digest). But goat's milk has Beta-Casein in it, which Autistics are more hyper-sensitive to than the Casein in cow's milk, and just as much Lactose. Milk-drinkers also develop breast cancer.
Famous Aspie Ladyhawk said she was unable to drink her own mother's milk - probably because mom was drinking milk. Conclusion: Never drink milk!
Every chapter includes a (horror) story told by a parent who's child was damaged by the DPT vaccine.
"I took him back to the doctor for what seems like the hundredth time, and told him Steven was having headaches. He said, 'Children that age do not have headaches.' I told him Steven was deliberately hitting his head on the hardest surface he could find, and was having uncontrollable screaming fits every day for no reason. He said, 'Lots of kids throw tantrums.' I told him Steven seemed delayed in learning to walk. He said, 'Some babies walk later than others.' I told him Steven was always sick. He said, 'He just has a respiratory infection and fluid in his ears.' He made me feel like I was being a hysterical mother, but I knew there was something wrong with my son." That is a classic: "Oh no, he is not sick. He is just sick. You are being hysterical."
I have never in my life been to a doctor who was not utterly useless; in fact all of them were harmful for prescribing drugs to mask the symptoms (of a disease I did not have) rather than find the cause of my illness (intestinal damage caused by vaccines). They are all guilty of Crimes Against Humanity as far as I am concerned. 100% of this child's problems were caused by the medical profession, and 100% of the problems were intentionally ignored by the medical profession.
"I could not believe a psychologist was willing to label my 4-year-old as 'trainable but not educable.' Despite the fact Steven was never well and could not control his behavior, at the age of 4 he was teaching himself to read and to add numbers. I became convinced thet his problems were primarily physical and not intellectual, but I could not convince any of them of that."
In 1982 5 cases of Whooping Cough were reported in Maryland. The Department of Health issued a press-release declaring an "Epidemic!" Later it was found thet the only children with Whooping Cough were those who had been given the vaccine to supposedly prevent it.
I have had full-blown Measles twice. Both times immediately after receiving the Measles vaccine. You are not supposed to be able to get it twice - but I did, thanks to vaccinations. This proves thet vaccination absolutely does not prevent disease - it only causes it!
After England's 1982 Whooping Cough "Epidemic!", Dr Herbert Barrie of the London Charing Cross Hospital formally protested the "campaign of terror" being waged in favor of vaccinations (thet caused the outbreak, only in those who had been vaccinated).
And - There is no reliable yardstick with which to measure the true incidence of the disease in modern industrialized societies nor the ability of the Pertussis vaccine to prevent it.
One of the major difficulties in diagnosing Whooping Cough is it's mildness. There have been increasingly mild and abortive forms with a corresponding reduction of the severer clinical cases. Pertussis was very rare in Sweden in the 1960s. About 90% of all infants were vaccinated at that time. In the first years of the 1970s Whooping Cough returned with few smaller local outbreaks. The number of cases were modest. In general, the disease has been mild even in infants. No deaths nor cases of brain-damage caused by the disease have been seen [in naturally occurring cases. Brain-damage comes from the vaccine.]
Due to the ineffective vaccine, and the present mild clinical course of Pertussis in Sweden, the vaccination program has been stopped since 1970. A similar experience was reported for West Germany, another country thet stopped mass Pertussis vaccination in 1970.
In the USA, the CDC reported thet with 6 - 37% of children the vaccine does not "take", thus these children can and do catch Whooping Cough naturally. These vaccinated children who do not develop immunity still run the risk of a serious reaction to the vaccine, getting the worst of both worlds. And for those who do develop immunity to the disease through vaccination, the vaccine's effect wears off in a few years. The efficacy falls to 40% after 7 years. This contrasts sharply with the life-long immunity conferred by disease it's self [when contracted naturally].
Something not clearly stated in this book is thet T in DPT is Tetanus. Tetanus is commonly known as Lock-jaw, a disease only farm animals get. It is practically extinct, due to ranchers eradicating it through animal vaccination programs, and is not contagious to humans unless they get the feces or blood of an infected animal directly into their blood-stream. The drug-pushing medical profession continues to give routine vaccinations of Tetanus in the DPT shot to infants. Then they give them to any person who cuts themself, even though they had no possible way of naturally contracting the disease (through infected blood or feces).
The Tetanus shot causes Hypoglycemia while being utterly useless. Doctors (Mengele and Frankenstein) routinely give "Tetanus Booster" shots to everyone, even if they have never cut themselves, to prevent infection from a disease thet is functionally extinct and impossible for the average person to even come in contact with. Have you ever seen an animal thet has Lock-jaw? No! And you never will. So why get a booster shot filled with Mercury and Formaldehyde thet causes Hypoglycemia for a disease thet you will never come in contact with?
Then when giving the Tetanus booster the doctor will often "up-date" the DPT along with it, because they know it's efficacy has waned over the years.
Two private drug manufacturers are the principal distributors of DPT vaccine in the USA. Both include a list of severe reactions and contraindications in the product information inserts accompanying the packages of vaccine. Because these manufacturers are interested in protecting themselves from lawsuits for the deaths and injuries caused by their product, they have often been the most cautious in defining who should and should not receive their vaccines. The American Academy of Pediatrics periodically publishes the Red Book, reiterating these concerns. The US Public Health Service has an Immunization Practices Advisory Committee which makes recommendations on contraindications and use of vaccines in Public Health Clinics. The Centers for Disease Control also publishes them in their Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. But their goal is to achieve 100% vaccination of all children in the USA, thus they withhold the information the pharmaceutical industry openly admits. The Red Book it's self is intentionally so vague and contradictory thet Doctors can just shrug and make shit up concerning what is a "normal reaction."
Within 15 hours of her first DPT shot at 6 weeks of age (!), Theresa started high-pitched screaming and running a fever of 102. For the next 2 weeks she alternately screamed, turned blue, and went into a state of collapse. "I kept calling my doctor, and he told me thet because Theresa had been delivered by C-Section she was screaming." This doctor then administered the 2nd DPT shot, which resulted in a repetition of all of the above symptoms plus new convulsions. He then administered the 3rd shot. "After her 3rd shot she would go in and out of convulsions all day long. They are trying to make me take her in for her 4th DPT shot, for she cannot get into school without it." As if this damaged of child can possibly get anything out of the useless public school curriculum anyway.
In The Brooklyn Hospital Journal, Brody described the mental deterioration and eventual death of a 5-month-old boy who had a questionable neurological history even before vaccination, and displayed increasingly severe neurological signs 2 weeks after his 1st Pertussis shot, 1 week after his 2nd shot, 3 days after his 3rd shot, and within 25 minutes of his 4th shot. He became completely paralyzed and died. And Dr Frankenstein Mengele never made the connection, as the parents shrug helplessly and yell at me, "It is the law!", offended thet I would ask them to do something "unethical" (like refraining from killing their child).
In England in the 1950s and 60s, a personal or family history of allergies was a contraindication. The Dow Chemical Company's DPT product insert in the 60s urged fractional doses of vaccine in infants with a "strong family history of allergy." More recently, even the government of former Eastern Germany advised thet "persons with allergic disease symptoms should not be given a DPT shot less than 4 weeks following recovery."
In 1953 the Royal Northern Infirmary in Scotland mentioned thet "vaccination might activate a previously latent neurotropic virus" triggering a virus into activity.
In 1974 Archie Kalokerinos MD published Every Second Child, describing his experiences treating aboriginal babies in Australia. He maintained thet a portion of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is caused by acute vitamin C deficiency triggered by vaccinations.
I wonder if any of these "White man's diseases" even existed in Aboriginal Australia before they were introduced by vaccination programs.
"Some would die within hours of vaccination from acute vitamin C deficiency. If some managed to survive, they would be lined up again, and a month later lined up again. Then there would be booster shots, shots for Measles, Polio, and even Tuberculosis. Little wonder they died. The wonder is thet any survived. We were actually killing infants through our lack of understanding."
Meanwhile the AMA officially puts out reports stating thet anyone who is anti-vaccines is "biased, histrionic, and inaccurate", and even "a-moral and psychopathic." See Barbara Loe Fisher's web-site at
vaccineawakening.blogspot.com
Concerning the 3 top producers of DPT vaccine, in June 1984 Wyeth Laboratories announced it was ceasing production of DPT vaccine, claiming the high cost of law-suits as the reason for leaving the market. Connaught declared it was limiting it's distribution of DPT vaccine because it could not negotiate adequate product liability insurance coverage. 2 weeks later, Lederle more than doubled the price of of it's vaccine.
This chain of events prompted the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to call a strategy conference, attended by the CDC, FDA, AMA, vaccine manufacturers, and others, thet was closed to the press. Most participants maintained thet law-suits were driving manufacturers out of the market, and thet the solution to shaky public confidence was to win more of these troublesome law-suits. A lawyer representing the vaccine manufacturers suggested Congress should pass a Vaccine Injury Compensation bill thet takes away parent's rights to sue manufacturers. The FDA official agreed. One physician concluded, "We must not say anything to the press thet will threaten mandatory vaccination laws." The campaign of terror was about to begin.
Between Dec of 1984 and Feb 1985, most national media [the lap-dog press] continued to report [mindlessly parrot] the vaccine-shortage myth, despite revelations thet there was no shortage at all. By November the AAP had issued posters for display in Pediatricians offices stating thet if parents did not vaccinate their children with DPT, "almost 500,000 children could fall victim to Pertussis. Over 14,000 cases would end in death." Then they issued a press release announcing thet Whooping Cough was a "near epidemic levels" in 8 states. It blamed the increase on parents delaying vaccination.
An independent check of Health Departments by Dissatisfied Parents Together (DPT) in the 8 states listed by the AAP revealed: 3 of those 8 States had fewer Pertussis cases in 1985 than in 1984, and nearly 50% of those occurred in vaccinated individuals.
In 1977 the British Epidemiological Research Laboratory reported thet "Since the 30% decline in Pertussis immunization, hospital admission and death rates from Whooping Cough have unexpectedly declined."
A Swedish immunologist studied the efficacy and toxicity of Pertussis vaccine around the world and concluded in 1984 thet most Pertussis vaccines are only protective for 2 to 5 years, and thet even countries with 90 - 95% vaccination rates (such as the USA) could not prevent disease. He concluded thet "Pertussis-related mortality is currently very low in industrialized countries, and no difference can be discerned when countries with high, low, and zero immunization rates are compared." He added thet England, Wales, and West Germany had more Pertussis fatalities in 1970 when immunization rate was high than during 1980 when immunization rates had fallen.
Then we have another horror-story told by a parent of a vaccine-damaged child - this book contains 7 such stories.
"It all started when we tried to get the school to help Theresa by giving her Special Education. She is handicapped, and she needs that kind of Special Education thet is spelled out in Public Law 94-142. But the school told us they did not have the money or the facilities to give her Special Education, even though they had been receiving Federal funds for years to educate handicapped kids. Then they refused to categorize her as handicapped so they would not have to provide it. When I told them it was the law, and thet they had to provide it, they got mad at us."
Don worked for the local catfish farm thet provided catfish for the whole town. As part of his salary, Don was allowed to take home all the catfish his family could eat. His boss also paid a percentage of Don's utility bills. But when they tried to get Special Education for their child, Don's boss told him thet unless he stopped pressing for Special Education, he would dock Don's pay $20 a week. When Don refused to stop, he refused to let Don take home any catfish. Then he stopped paying the utility bill percentage. And when that did not work, he said, "I told you to drop it, and you did not, so you are fired."
The family attended the local Methodist Church. "There was a women's group in our church and many teachers and members of the school-board belonged to it. They told the group thet we had asked for a wheel-chair lift for the buss and $35,000 worth of therapy equipment. They accused us of wanting the whole school remodeled for Theresa. All Therese needed was a big rubber ball and 2 broomsticks for her physical therapy which would have cost $35."
Theresa's older brother, age 16, remembers what happened to him at school. "The kids stopped talking to me. I was told by the Superintendent thet I had to get Theresa on and off the school bus every day because she was in a wheel-chair. One day when I was required to leave class to help Theresa, my teacher said, 'If you leave this class again, don't you ever come back.'"
Mom said, "Every day one of the children would come home crying."
When they refused to give up their fight for their daughter, the school's Education Supervisor summoned a psychologist to evaluate Theresa. The Psychologist said Theresa was not in need of Special Education, even though on the test she was not able to successfully perform any of the problems. "It did not matter. We lost the hearing."
So they gave up and moved to another town.
"It took a year before the schools system agreed to test Theresa. The word was thet we were trouble-makers and thet there was nothing wrong with our kid - even though Theresa was the only child in class who could not write her name, hold a pencil correctly, use scissors, or tie her shoes. The Special Education Agency said we had to prove thet Theresa had educational deficits, but they refused to accept any medical records or the results of previous tests."
Their other vaccine-damaged child needed to use a tape-recorder to take notes in class, and use a typewriter to do his school work. "They said no child was allowed to take typing until they entered high-school." The school refused to allow him to use these devices he already knew how to use and had provided himself. "They also refused to allow him to play sports, though he needed them as physical therapy to keep the weakness in his right side from getting worse.
His teachers have been giving him As and Bs on his report card. He brought home a spelling test on which he had received a 96, though there were 12 mis-spelled words. They told me they will not evaluate a child for Special Education unless they are failing." Thus, they lie so the child will not be eligible.
"I know they are receiving funds. Sometimes the number of handicapped kids is inflated (they call them 'phantom kids') so the federal appropriations will be larger, but the money is used for things like athletics and administrators' salaries instead of educating even the real handicapped kids."
You must watch the documentary films Waiting for Superman, The Cartel, and The War On Kids. All of them reveal the utter corruption of the outright harmful public school system.
All of these problems are caused by the fact public school exists. The only reason these kids were injected with DPT, MRR, and Mercury and Formaldehyde, thus frying their brains and bodies, is so they could attend this witch-burning cult/useless public school. Once there, the school intentionally withholds education, while pillaging the National Treasury in utter corruption. If you send your child to public school, you are an unfit parent.
It took me many months to review this book because I could only write 5 paragraphs or so before I would go into a rage.
I will consciously cultivate my hatred of the medical profession and the school system until my dying day. And I will never forgive my parents for dragging me to incompetent moron drug-pushing doctors and making me go to the viciously evil public school.
The above example of the child wanting to use his own typewriter in class, but being told he was forbidden to learn until high-school (something he already knew how to do!), is exactly what every day of school was like for me. I am gifted and I am a genius, but the school system strangulated my intellect with this overt withholding of education, while viciously ripping me to shreds before the class, who were then left with no recourse but to bully who the teacher told them to in threat of them being next if they did not. It was never the bully kids who were the problem, as much as the bully teachers, with steely-eyed spite, spitting "I hate you people!" at me before the class, while forbidding me to learn what I was interested in (or even gifted at!).
The only reason any of these kids received these killer vaccines is because they had to have them in order to wallow in the cesspool-I-mean-attend public school. Why can't anyone get it through their heads to simply tell the school system to fuck off! - in which case no vaccines will be "necessary".
No child of mine will attend any (witch-burning cult) public school nor see any (Frankenstein Mengele) medical doctor - at least not in this evil country.
This book goes into some detail about how batches of vaccines are manufactured, separated into lots, and distributed. Occasionally there will be a "hot lot" which is deadly, killing and permanently maiming kids. The manufacturers keep track of these records, but the FDA does not require them to tell anyone, in fact the FDA purposely keeps the tracking-schedules secret so the public can be kept ignorant and thus keep mindlessly taking shots.
Throughout this book, the Big Pharma vaccine manufacturers are repeatedly shown to be concerned about their product (though not necessarily because they care about their customers - it is more because they do not want to get sued), but the Medical Profession is so corrupt, they are the one's who keep demanding more shipments of vaccines so they can keep making money pushing these useless and harmful drugs. The Doctors are the enemy, not necessarily (or at least comparatively) the manufacturers.
In 1957 Parke-Davis decided to combine the Salk Polio vaccine with their existing DPT shot. The new product was called Quadrigen, but was so deadly thet it was pulled from the market; i.e., one of the first babies injected ran a fever of 108, was left paralyzed on his right side, with a permanent seizure disorder, and a resulting IQ of 5!
This Quadrigen story reveals how the government's testing procedures for new vaccines may fail to protect the public's safety. It is also a clear-cut example of a vaccine manufacturer ignoring unfavorable preliminary test data and elementary safety precautions in it's haste to market new product (at least in this Quadrigen case; i.e., since that disaster, they have been more careful to avoid law-suits).
Michigan and Massachusetts are the only States thet manufacture their own DPT. In 1975 Michigan was producing 800,000 doses annually and was 1 of the Nation's major distributors. In July of 1975, their DPT vaccine lot 1182 was sent to the FDA for routine testing prior to release. The FDA found thet lot 1182 was 3 times more potent than regulations allowed and thus refused to allow Michigan to distribute it. Rather than immediately destroy the defective lot (400,000 doses), Michigan health officials decided to see just how reactive it was by testing it on several hundred kids!
The parents of these kids sued the State for "potentially lethal misconduct", and "callous disregard for human life." The State of Michigan asked thet the suits be dismissed, protesting thet the doctrine of Sovereign Immunity protects the State Government from claims arising from services thet only the Government can provide. Though the public could always get these vaccines from commercial manufacturers (it was not providing a service thet was only available from the State), the Court decided the parent of children injured or killed by vaccines could not sue the State.
This leaves the manufacturers in a Monopoly position; i.e., if Ford manufactures the spontaneous-combustion Pinto, the people who die in the fireball press enough law-suits to make Ford stop producing it. But if the manufacturers of vaccines make deadly concoctions thet kill people, the courts protect them from lawsuits, in fact actively promote laws requiring mandatory vaccinations! This is the equivalent of the Government requiring all people to drive Pintos, while banning them from suing Ford for the resulting (mass) deaths.
This book then goes onto some revolting details about the individuals who work as lobbyists lubing the anuses-I-mean-"greasing the wheels" of corruption throughout the system, making sure the lap-dog press obediently report only what they are told to by their puppet-masters.
Then comes the science-fiction horror of "The Future of Vaccines." Unfortunately it is not fiction: More than 200 vaccines are being created in Government and company labs. Scientists are creating a genetically-engineered super-vaccine to be squirted into the mouths of babies at the moment of birth thet will inject raw DNA from 30 to 40 viruses and bacteria directly into the infant's cells and be time-released throughout childhood. There is little question thet Federal and State health officials will be passing regulations legally requiring all citizens to use these vaccines.
By 1997 more than half of all States have already passed regulations requiring all children to get 3 doses of Hepatitis B vaccine before being allowed to attend daycare or schools. Of course, children are incapable of contracting this sexually-transmitted disease.
By the mid-90s, American children were required to get 34 doses of 10 different vaccines by the time they entered school; their grandparents had only been required to get 1: Small Pox. And the medical profession continues to shrug helplessly and claim they have no clue where Autism comes from.
The Important-information forms thet parents must sign before a child is vaccinated specifically state thet the parents have had a chance to read the information, have their questions answered, and believe they understand the benefits and risks. It then states thet they "request" the vaccines be given to their child. The word "Request" implies thet you desire it. But there is no choice. "The State will not give the vaccines unless I request it and sign the forms thet prove I requested it. If I do not request it, my kid cannot get into school. If my kid does not go to school, I can be charged with truancy or child neglect, and he can be taken from me. Why should I be forced to prescribe medicine for my own child? If my child is damaged by the vaccine, the State and the drug manufacturers can say, 'You requested it!'"
There is no Federal law requiring vaccination of children. There are no State laws either. There is only the Public Health Adviser of each State who makes "recommendations." But the corruption of the drug-pushers "encourage" the Adviser to convince the State to push vaccination programs - resulting in "mandatory" vaccinations for any child who attends day-care or public school.
Meanwhile the Governors of each State have been brainwashed to believe thet if a few people have written exemptions from their doctors stating thet their particular child is hyper-sensitive and thus should not get vaccinated, this will lead to there being a large enough pool of un-vaccinated people thet an epidemic might erupt. Thus, no one should be allowed an exemption - "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few"; i.e., a few kids should be sacrificed to corruption so the majority can be "safe" (from diseases thet are extinct or practically impossible to contract in nature) - resulting Autistics be damned.
In 1993, there was a Whooping Cough outbreak in Cincinnati. More than 80% of the children under the age of 5 who got Whooping Cough had been appropriately vaccinated for their age with DPT. So they still get Whooping Cough, and because of the vaccine, Autism too!
In America, all children are routinely injected with 4 doses of DPT (containing 12 antigens), 1 dose of MMR (3 antigens), and 4 doses of Polio (12 antigens), for a total of 27 antigens by the time they are 18 months old! And we are racing to develop vaccines for everything from Croup to tooth decay.
What are we doing to ourselves and our children? The answer is, we do not know.
This writer repeats himself often, apparently his intent is to simply re-cap what was said in the previous 2 chapters, but it comes across as redundant, when I think he was just trying repetition for emphasis - he does in fact get the point across and makes very sure you know what that point is - absolutely no misunderstandings. But as I am writing this review, I repeatedly realize this has already been said before, and before, and before. It is not annoying, just unnecessary.
Otherwise a very highly-recommended book (If you can keep from blowing a gasket in rage).
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Autistic Children
A guide for parents and professionals
by Lorna Wing MD
Lorna Wing is the person who coined the phrase “Asperger’s Syndrome.”
This is her first book on the subject of Autism. Published in 1972, this is all material the Autism community has probably already heard, but it is very concise and a good introduction to the subject; i.e., if you do not know what Autism is, this is the first book you should read.
The Forward says: With immeasurable patience and minute detail she outlines techniques to be used, step by step, covering every form of behavior and disability encountered in these children.
In England, as of 1971, of the 8 - 10 year-olds tested, it was concluded by the National Society for Autistic Children thet between 4 and 5 children in every 10,000 show Autistic behavior, and 3 boys to 1 girl are effected.
With England’s Socialized Medicine, these statistics were being tracked that far back - as opposed to the USA where Autism was not mentioned in the DSM until 2011!; and to this day they still (claim they) have no clue what causes it nor how to alleviate it.
The other obvious point is thet it was about 5 in every 10,000 back in 1971, but today it is 1 in 88. This is partly due to the subject being acknowledged at last, thus they have learned how to test for it (back when I was that age, no one I ever came across had even heard of Autism, and if they did, all they had to go on was Bettelheim’s “Refrigerator Mother” BS), and the prevalence of it has skyrocketed.
It seems likely thet there have always been Autistic children, although it is only in the last 25 years that they have been named as a group and thought of separately from other mentally handicapped children. Perhaps they were the reason for the legends of Faerie Changelings, in which Faeries were believed to steal away a human baby and leave a Faerie child in it’s place.
Isaac Newton, Nikola Tesla, and Albert Einstein were all Autistic. These people, Aspies specifically, have always been with us.
Lorna mentions the story of Victor of Aveyron, from the movie The Wild Child (see my review), concerning whom it was debated which came first, the developmental delay caused by having no human interaction for most of his life, vs the possibility thet he was Retarded from birth, thus explaining why he had been abandoned in the first place.
I can compare that to Genie, from the movie Mockingbird Don’t Sing (see my review) and ask the same question. She demonstrated obvious Autistic traits, without them necessarily being Autism symptoms; i.e., did she acquire these traits by being so neglected?, or did she have them before the neglect started? Of course, there is no way to answer these questions.
Back to the book: Dr Kanner said most of these children had parents who were of higher intelligence than the average (read: they were probably undiagnosed Aspies), and thus it was possibly hereditary; while others argued thet these intelligent parents simply had higher standards for their children and thus were more able to recognize deficiencies, and had the money to acquire professional assistance, resulting in a greater level of diagnosis than in those with a lower intellectual, thus financial, class status.
Each Autistic child is an individual and is different in many ways from other children with the same diagnosis. Any description has to be a generalization, and very few children have all the symptoms, and most of them change as they grow older.
One of the symptoms is “difficulties understanding speech”: One little girl was asked to “Bring Mummy your jumper which is on the chair in your bedroom.” The child trotted upstairs and after several minutes staggered in with the chair.
In this case, “understanding language” was not the problem. Being able to remember a list of more than 2 things was; the request included jumper, chair, and bedroom. She had the symptom of “inability to distinguish the relative difference in value between things” and thus could not prioritize them, so she was not able to figure out what the actual subject of the sentence was.
This is a very typical trait in Aspergers specifically, “Inability to maintain a mental list of more than a few things.” The inability to prioritize results in there being too many targets, thus they attention deficit as they juggle them all in their mind, to which their processors become overwhelmed and simply edit out most of them. Though the subject was “jumper”, the processor overload edited it down to “chair”.
With such kids, you must give them follow-up questions; i.e., after making a request, ask them what it is you want them to do. At this point you will see just how difficult it is for an Autistic to mentally multi-task. This also explains why they retreat to their Fixated Subject for comfort. They only feel focused (thus calm and collected) when obsessing about that 1 thing.
An Autistic child does not ask for a drink by putting an imaginary cup to his lips. Often they have to be taught to use simple gestures.
I would suggest this may be due to them having the symptom of “belief in prior knowledge”; i.e., they assume thet because they understand what they want, that means you understand it too, so it does not occur to them to tell you what they want (partly demonstrating the classic Autistic “lack of empathy”).
This can also be influenced by their difficulty maintaining spacial location; they are not sure where their own body is, so they do not know how to tell you what it wants nor how to use it as a tool to demonstrate feelings with.
Concerning “Difficult behavior and emotional problems”, Lorna says, These problems follow from the childrens’ inability to understand and cope with the world, and are not the first cause of their handicaps.
Correct. Autistic melt-downs, tantrums, and rage-attacks are not associated with the emotional maturity level of the person (child or adult). After a day of visual multi-tasking in glaring sunlight, I have a rage-attack! It is my visual processor rebelling against the over-load, not some “childish jerk” throwing a tantrum. I cannot help it.
Once I got my Irlen lenses, that all went away.
Each child’s own personality determines the way he reacts to his handicaps.
Autistic children never tell lies. They do not understand why it should ever be necessary to avoid the truth, and in any case they lack the skill with language and ideas needed to invent lies. Their naivete leads to devastating lack of awareness of social convention and of other people’s feelings.
I suggest part of this is due to the Autistic’s sensory processing disorders making them so insecure about what reality is, thet once they figure it out, making up an alternate reality (such as a lie) would only distress them further.
They also have difficulty understanding what others mean by what they say, thus they gullibly believe whatever lie is being told. They are simply going along with the “conversation” to try to see what the end result will be, so as to learn how to interact. Unfortunately this openness to “education” can lead to the Aspie falling for (for example) the quarter trick, wherein some sociopath runs a pencil around the edge of a quarter and then convinces someone to draw a cross on their forehead with it. The gullible dweeb (read Aspie) plays along with the game, hoping to learn something from it, because they really have no clue they are being lied to.
For an Aspie, all conversations are for educational information exchange, thus they honestly think they are being taught a form of social interaction with the quarter trick; unfortunately this form of "social interaction" is entirely malicious.
In my opinion the resulting cross on their forehead should be seen as a badge of honor, demonstrating the fact this “socially embarrassed” geek is someone who simply does not lie - because they are better than you! They should be respected for this (though it is still sad. It is embarrassing, and even dangerous, thet they are that gullible).
Of course the creep who manipulated the innocent into “publicly humiliating themself” believes they are superior for being a paranoid sociopath who does not trust anyone and openly lies like this. “Look how stupid you are because you trust”, they say with a sneer. No. Look how stupid you are because you do not. You will live your whole life in that cesspool you built in your own image, surrounding yourself with other malicious creeps like yourself who collectively circle-jerk their delusions of superiority as abusers; i.e., no one “at the party” (read: lynch-mob) will tell you you have a cross on your forehead. They all just delude themselves thet they too are superior for being “streetwise” (read: sociopaths!).
As for lacking the skill with language and ideas needed to invent lies, Non-verbals may lack this, but most Aspies are highly literary, and certainly do not lack skill with language.
It is the sensory processing disorders thet make them unsure of what reality is, thus they will cling to a fixated subject, collect encyclopedic amounts of factual information about it, and be disgusted with, or at least annoyed by, fiction.
They walk around with a cross on their forehead and a deer in headlights look on their face desperate to figure out through their processing disorders what reality is; see me having to smell everything I look at to get the second sensory reference-point because I do not trust my visual processor.
Their naivete leads to a devastating lack of awareness of social convention. The “social convention” of sociopaths is something I am glad I am not part of; i.e., part of me is embarrassed for the cross on my forehead (it is pathetic to be that gullible), but I am very proud of the reason it is there – I flat-out do not lie, thus it does not occur to me thet you do.
Various writers said they had found that parents of these children had abnormal personalities. Some said the mothers were cold and hard and rejected their babies. Professor Kanner and his colleagues said the mothers were not especially abnormal, but the fathers were odd, being over-intellectual, rigid, detached, humorless, and dedicated to their careers rather than their children.
All I can say about this is thet Aspie parents have Autistic kids; i.e., there can be a genetic aspect to it.
The few studies with control groups did not prove that the parents were detached from their children, and showed that the parents of Autistic children were more involved with their handicapped child than the parents of Downs children. Furthermore, while it is possible for parents to have more than one Autistic child, in most cases the siblings are healthy and normal. Thus suggesting the parents are not to blame (genetically or otherwise), for if they were abnormal enough to create one Autistic child, most of their other children would probably have suffered the same fate. This shows how difficult it is to rely upon subjective judgments made without proper methods of measurement. It seems hard on parents that the early theories of parental abnormality were put forward without any scientific proof, and have caused much unhappiness ever since.
The chances are that a number of different pathological processes could affect the parts of the brain that are important for human communication, and could produce the same effects on behavior.
Some children who are born both Deaf and Blind behave like Autistic children.
Sometimes children with visual problems may have the same kinds of hand movements, and the same tendency to jump and spin like Autistic children do. They may be very concerned about routines, and become most unhappy if anything in the house is moved from its usual place. They may appear to look past or through people, and their social behavior may be a problem. The point being thet in some cases the Autism causes the sensory processing disorders, and in other cases, the sensory processing disorders cause the Autism (or in this case Autistic-like behavior).
Georgiana Stehli was severely Autistic. Then she got AIT and was practically cured, thus proving thet (in her case) the Auditory Processing Disorder caused her Autism. Once I got my Irlen lenses and my AIT, 2/3 of my Autism symptoms went away.
Professional workers who hold theories which imply that the parents cause their child to become Autistic may recommend that these parents should have psychotherapy or psychoanalysis in order to help their child indirectly. There is no evidence that this is useful in practice. Not to say we all could not use the alternate perspective of a Therapist.
Lorna repeatedly refers to and recommends the book The Siege (see my review).
She explains how visual communicators with bad visual processing can come to understand pictures easier than audio communicators with bad audio processing can learn sounds.
Not mentioned by her is thet Audio communicators will invent Neologisms (new words thet have an emotional definition to them but are gibberish to anyone else), whereas Visual communicators will not necessarily invent “gibberish” pictures.
But, when I was young I invented a picture thet looked somewhat like 7woo which had an emotional definition to me, but today I cannot explain exactly what it meant. Whereas as a Hyperlexic Aspie, I invented many Neologisms which had very distinct meanings to me.
So Lorna explains thet children can learn the days of the week by drawing out a 7-day calendar with a picture of the main expected event of that day. After which the days can be separated into “before lunch” and “after lunch” time-slots. Eventually they can be elaborated on by denoting morning, day, evening, and night as pictures on the calendar.
This can also help with Autistics (like me) who have difficulty remembering a mental list of more than a few things; see the girl above sent to get her jumper, only to return with a chair. One girl was told she was going shopping with her mother, then to a restaurant, and finally to the cinema. She repeated this several times, each time getting the sequence wrong. She became very worried and anxious. Finally she was shown a picture of the shop at the top, the restaurant in the middle, and the cinema at the bottom. Her finger was guided to touch each one in sequence. This satisfied her completely.
It would not have worked if she were still in a stage in which left/right, back/front, and up/down were hopelessly confused.
A boy of 10 was helped to understand second, minute, hour, and day when his mother drew out lines of differing lengths to demonstrate the relationship of the different time periods.
See Jessica Park (in my review of the book Exiting Nirvana) defining emotions with varying invented taste sensations; e.g.: Flavors correlated with times she "looked at the clock by mistake." They correlated with the number of times she soaped herself in the bath: 0 light blueberry, 1 lime, 2 lemon, 3 orange, 4 strawberry, 5 vanilla, 6 licorice, 7 chocolate, 8 grape, 9 or more is blueberry again. "Dark lemon", "dark lime" and "lime with a little bit of rice" correlated with three different kinds of "striped" cloud.
Even her pencil line proclaimed a system. "Why is the window all wiggly?" I asked of a drawing showing Jessy in bed and the moon behind her favorite tree. "It was because of the flavors", she said. "Wiggly for lime, 3/8 wiggle for lemon-lime, whole wiggle for rice pudding."
The length of a wiggly line correlated to the flavor thet symbolized the emotional definition of a picture of the moon behind a tree.
A year later when the Christmas catalog came, the various delicacies received numbers: 137 for solid chocolate, 173 for chocolate with nuts, 337 for chocolate with coconut. Debosh torte was 3. That same number was correlated with airplane vapor trails; if 2 vapor trails crossed, the cloud at the crossing-point yielded 7 to the 200th power +2. The exponential 7 was "rice pudding with lime lime"; a 3 was rainbow colored. In the systems last stage Jessy correlated colors, flavors, and numbers with her typing errors, and correlated them with "flavor cookies".
No one taught her this. She invented it herself to help her compensate for her otherwise scrambled senses.
Also see the young Georgiana Stehli before AIT kicking any car with a French license plate, because the numbers were just wrong!
When teaching such kids, this can definitely be used to your advantage, once you come to understand the definitions of the words they use in their “Faerie language.”
Back to Lorna’s book: Autistic children can be taught to read the words, but their comprehension of what the words mean may remain vague. Words can take on definitions for the child if they have a picture to go with them. You can make a book telling the story of the child’s own life or daily activity, including pictures of the child doing those things as a reference for what the words mean.
The same idea applies when encouraging a child to practice writing. An Autistic girl of 12 began to enjoy writing words when she realized she could make a list of things she wanted when shopping. Developing this skill then helped her in another way. She became tense and anxious for several days before a special event because she hated waiting. Then she began to write about the anticipated event. This reassured her thet it really would happen, and she was able to relax and look forward to it with pleasure.
I thought in musical notes until I was about 15, at which time I started writing lists (though I will always think music). The compilations of listed things I liked were comforting to me, not just the writing of them, but the possession of the lists upon completion. My evil mother would find these lists and become abusive (for no reason), always desperate to invent some reason to be abusive. That was my parents in general, daily just making shit up to abuse me for. Said with vicious condescension, “You made a list of things you like!” I would go deer in headlights and think, So??? I was comforted making lists. I cannot explain why.
I was also comforted by drawing the texture of wrinkled surfaces.
I also love to draw pictures of drum sets. This gives me a comfort not related to how I feel when I play drums – the organizing of visual patterns feels different from the composing of music/organizing of sound patterns. I also love to design motorcycles in my head, which feels totally different from the comfort I get by riding them. Motorcycles, drums, and writing are things I have relationships with, as opposed to, and as compensation for the lack of, relationships with people; drums are positively my sex surrogate.
I strongly identify with the child above, in her ability to comfort herself by writing about what formerly gave her anxiety.
Lorna then presents a general discussion about Sexual Development, including oblivious public masturbation, the social cluelessness thet leaves them open to manipulation from sexual predators, and their propensity to spill their guts to startled strangers about menstruation, etc.
She also very (too) briefly addresses what happens when a child realizes just how different they are, and wonders why this happened to them.
I want to make my own statement here: I think the most asinine thing I have ever heard on this subject is when religious morons tell their child thet God made them different for a reason. You are a sadist if you believe in a God who would roast people in Hell or make a disabled child suffer. I feel hostile toward people who teach their child to believe in a Sadistic God who tortures children.
You religious monsters can go to the Hell you invented in your sadistic fantasies you dump on your child. Fuck you. Your child’s disability was not inflicted on them by your God of Sadism! It was, just like evolution, a freak accident. Thus, tell your child not to take it personal. Shit happens!
Lorna mentions how equally important it is not to try to convince your child thet they are normal, e.g., telling them thet everyone has problems, do not think about it. Instead, tell them it is normal for people to have disabilities, not thet they are normal and do not have one.
This reminds me of “parents” who cut their baby daughter’s hermaphroditic clitoris off but then intentionally refrain from ever telling her anything about it, hoping thet if they maintain the lie (about how insane they are) long enough she might be able to stumble through life never thinking to ask what an orgasm is. “Parents” like this can be shot in the head as far as I am concerned.
This almost psychotic level of denial of reality is seen more obviously in some men, who are not man enough to admit their wimpy sperm created a runt child. For these cowards, their “male ego” takes it personal when this happens, abandoning their child rather than really “manning-up”, whereas women are generally more accepting of a disabled child (or becoming a martyr-mom with Munchausen Syndrome, addicted to her child's disability).
I can direct you to the Autism Lectures page and my lecture on Life Lessons, wherein I present you with my own Astrology and Life Lessons charts, using them to show how my disabilities could be blessings in disguise (in my case). Make these charts for your child at birth, and go over them repeatedly with your child throughout their childhood to demonstrate to them what their life purpose is, and how they can find and use the advantages of their disability.
I can take this a step further (read: really beat it into the ground) and direct you to the interview with Erin Rothschild (mentioned in my Life Lessons lecture) wherein it is suggested thet we all choose our lives before we are conceived (reincarnation being a scientific fact), and thet you thus chose to have Autism because of the lessons it would teach you.
Anyway, Lorna briefly addresses this, saying do not try to convince your child there is nothing wrong with them, instead help them use the handicap as a tool.
Lorna talks about employment problems, stating thet the most important factor in helping an Autistic settle into stable employment is a sympathetic and accommodating employer. This was certainly true in my case, wherein my day-job as a Security Guard; my boss knew better than to send me to be a bouncer at a bar (strong-arming drunken assholes who are looking for a fight), instead was sent to guard tractors parked out in the desert over night. No people! Perfect job!
Also, no one else who works for that company wanted these “boring” posts, which to me were heaven. I found my niche. The company was glad to have me.
You can Google “Company hires Autistics” and find hundreds of stories.
Aims of education: Most Autistics remain handicapped throughout their life, thus it is important to help them compensate for their disabilities; i.e., do not try to teach them things they are not interested in (such as forcing non-verbals to talk)! Instead find their gift and nurture it.
I should have been sent to art school, and never forced to even acknowledge all the other useless shit I was forced to mindlessly parrot for no reason. I got an A++ in art, but flunked math, so my dad spanked me with a belt for getting bad grades in something I am (to this day) not able to understand, totally dismissing the fact I was the only kid in school who routinely got an A++!
All Autistics have sensory processing disorders. I heard 20 dB too loud, thus I inevitably became a recording engineer, running the best recording studio in Portland OR for 9 years, because I had to find some way to control sound. No thanks to my evil “parents” and evil skkkools who only abused me for being terrible at doing useless shit I will never use anyway.
So, like Aspie Bjork, I became a professional musician/recording engineer/record producer because I could not help it. It was my only obvious gift at the time (“gift” meaning wincing pain, rage-attacks, and petrifying anxiety caused by the Audio processing disorder no one, including me, knew I even had at the time), and no one helped me cultivate it (into an art-form thet could become my career). In fact recording classes (read: how to be a professional listener) were not even offered in public school (to my eternal burning anger).
He needs to be shown ways of coping with the world which are open to him, and how to develop to the full the skills which he does possess so that he is not frustrated by the things he cannot do.
I am very much aware thet playing drums (and otherwise obsessing about them) is a surrogate for my lack of ability to acquire and keep a girlfriend (when I am fantasizing about snuggling in bed with a girl, my mind switches back and forth from girl to drums. I cannot help it. They are the same thing). No thanks to anyone but me, I had to figure this all out on my own, which I bitterly resent!
Please utterly reject all concept of reality, and let your Faerie child teach you how to raise them.
She ends with a list of 7 recommended books.
This was written In England English in 1972, thus it is sometimes a peculiar read (which I enjoyed), but was otherwise an excellent introduction to the subject.
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A guide for parents and professionals
by Lorna Wing MD
Lorna Wing is the person who coined the phrase “Asperger’s Syndrome.”
This is her first book on the subject of Autism. Published in 1972, this is all material the Autism community has probably already heard, but it is very concise and a good introduction to the subject; i.e., if you do not know what Autism is, this is the first book you should read.
The Forward says: With immeasurable patience and minute detail she outlines techniques to be used, step by step, covering every form of behavior and disability encountered in these children.
In England, as of 1971, of the 8 - 10 year-olds tested, it was concluded by the National Society for Autistic Children thet between 4 and 5 children in every 10,000 show Autistic behavior, and 3 boys to 1 girl are effected.
With England’s Socialized Medicine, these statistics were being tracked that far back - as opposed to the USA where Autism was not mentioned in the DSM until 2011!; and to this day they still (claim they) have no clue what causes it nor how to alleviate it.
The other obvious point is thet it was about 5 in every 10,000 back in 1971, but today it is 1 in 88. This is partly due to the subject being acknowledged at last, thus they have learned how to test for it (back when I was that age, no one I ever came across had even heard of Autism, and if they did, all they had to go on was Bettelheim’s “Refrigerator Mother” BS), and the prevalence of it has skyrocketed.
It seems likely thet there have always been Autistic children, although it is only in the last 25 years that they have been named as a group and thought of separately from other mentally handicapped children. Perhaps they were the reason for the legends of Faerie Changelings, in which Faeries were believed to steal away a human baby and leave a Faerie child in it’s place.
Isaac Newton, Nikola Tesla, and Albert Einstein were all Autistic. These people, Aspies specifically, have always been with us.
Lorna mentions the story of Victor of Aveyron, from the movie The Wild Child (see my review), concerning whom it was debated which came first, the developmental delay caused by having no human interaction for most of his life, vs the possibility thet he was Retarded from birth, thus explaining why he had been abandoned in the first place.
I can compare that to Genie, from the movie Mockingbird Don’t Sing (see my review) and ask the same question. She demonstrated obvious Autistic traits, without them necessarily being Autism symptoms; i.e., did she acquire these traits by being so neglected?, or did she have them before the neglect started? Of course, there is no way to answer these questions.
Back to the book: Dr Kanner said most of these children had parents who were of higher intelligence than the average (read: they were probably undiagnosed Aspies), and thus it was possibly hereditary; while others argued thet these intelligent parents simply had higher standards for their children and thus were more able to recognize deficiencies, and had the money to acquire professional assistance, resulting in a greater level of diagnosis than in those with a lower intellectual, thus financial, class status.
Each Autistic child is an individual and is different in many ways from other children with the same diagnosis. Any description has to be a generalization, and very few children have all the symptoms, and most of them change as they grow older.
One of the symptoms is “difficulties understanding speech”: One little girl was asked to “Bring Mummy your jumper which is on the chair in your bedroom.” The child trotted upstairs and after several minutes staggered in with the chair.
In this case, “understanding language” was not the problem. Being able to remember a list of more than 2 things was; the request included jumper, chair, and bedroom. She had the symptom of “inability to distinguish the relative difference in value between things” and thus could not prioritize them, so she was not able to figure out what the actual subject of the sentence was.
This is a very typical trait in Aspergers specifically, “Inability to maintain a mental list of more than a few things.” The inability to prioritize results in there being too many targets, thus they attention deficit as they juggle them all in their mind, to which their processors become overwhelmed and simply edit out most of them. Though the subject was “jumper”, the processor overload edited it down to “chair”.
With such kids, you must give them follow-up questions; i.e., after making a request, ask them what it is you want them to do. At this point you will see just how difficult it is for an Autistic to mentally multi-task. This also explains why they retreat to their Fixated Subject for comfort. They only feel focused (thus calm and collected) when obsessing about that 1 thing.
An Autistic child does not ask for a drink by putting an imaginary cup to his lips. Often they have to be taught to use simple gestures.
I would suggest this may be due to them having the symptom of “belief in prior knowledge”; i.e., they assume thet because they understand what they want, that means you understand it too, so it does not occur to them to tell you what they want (partly demonstrating the classic Autistic “lack of empathy”).
This can also be influenced by their difficulty maintaining spacial location; they are not sure where their own body is, so they do not know how to tell you what it wants nor how to use it as a tool to demonstrate feelings with.
Concerning “Difficult behavior and emotional problems”, Lorna says, These problems follow from the childrens’ inability to understand and cope with the world, and are not the first cause of their handicaps.
Correct. Autistic melt-downs, tantrums, and rage-attacks are not associated with the emotional maturity level of the person (child or adult). After a day of visual multi-tasking in glaring sunlight, I have a rage-attack! It is my visual processor rebelling against the over-load, not some “childish jerk” throwing a tantrum. I cannot help it.
Once I got my Irlen lenses, that all went away.
Each child’s own personality determines the way he reacts to his handicaps.
Autistic children never tell lies. They do not understand why it should ever be necessary to avoid the truth, and in any case they lack the skill with language and ideas needed to invent lies. Their naivete leads to devastating lack of awareness of social convention and of other people’s feelings.
I suggest part of this is due to the Autistic’s sensory processing disorders making them so insecure about what reality is, thet once they figure it out, making up an alternate reality (such as a lie) would only distress them further.
They also have difficulty understanding what others mean by what they say, thus they gullibly believe whatever lie is being told. They are simply going along with the “conversation” to try to see what the end result will be, so as to learn how to interact. Unfortunately this openness to “education” can lead to the Aspie falling for (for example) the quarter trick, wherein some sociopath runs a pencil around the edge of a quarter and then convinces someone to draw a cross on their forehead with it. The gullible dweeb (read Aspie) plays along with the game, hoping to learn something from it, because they really have no clue they are being lied to.
For an Aspie, all conversations are for educational information exchange, thus they honestly think they are being taught a form of social interaction with the quarter trick; unfortunately this form of "social interaction" is entirely malicious.
In my opinion the resulting cross on their forehead should be seen as a badge of honor, demonstrating the fact this “socially embarrassed” geek is someone who simply does not lie - because they are better than you! They should be respected for this (though it is still sad. It is embarrassing, and even dangerous, thet they are that gullible).
Of course the creep who manipulated the innocent into “publicly humiliating themself” believes they are superior for being a paranoid sociopath who does not trust anyone and openly lies like this. “Look how stupid you are because you trust”, they say with a sneer. No. Look how stupid you are because you do not. You will live your whole life in that cesspool you built in your own image, surrounding yourself with other malicious creeps like yourself who collectively circle-jerk their delusions of superiority as abusers; i.e., no one “at the party” (read: lynch-mob) will tell you you have a cross on your forehead. They all just delude themselves thet they too are superior for being “streetwise” (read: sociopaths!).
As for lacking the skill with language and ideas needed to invent lies, Non-verbals may lack this, but most Aspies are highly literary, and certainly do not lack skill with language.
It is the sensory processing disorders thet make them unsure of what reality is, thus they will cling to a fixated subject, collect encyclopedic amounts of factual information about it, and be disgusted with, or at least annoyed by, fiction.
They walk around with a cross on their forehead and a deer in headlights look on their face desperate to figure out through their processing disorders what reality is; see me having to smell everything I look at to get the second sensory reference-point because I do not trust my visual processor.
Their naivete leads to a devastating lack of awareness of social convention. The “social convention” of sociopaths is something I am glad I am not part of; i.e., part of me is embarrassed for the cross on my forehead (it is pathetic to be that gullible), but I am very proud of the reason it is there – I flat-out do not lie, thus it does not occur to me thet you do.
Various writers said they had found that parents of these children had abnormal personalities. Some said the mothers were cold and hard and rejected their babies. Professor Kanner and his colleagues said the mothers were not especially abnormal, but the fathers were odd, being over-intellectual, rigid, detached, humorless, and dedicated to their careers rather than their children.
All I can say about this is thet Aspie parents have Autistic kids; i.e., there can be a genetic aspect to it.
The few studies with control groups did not prove that the parents were detached from their children, and showed that the parents of Autistic children were more involved with their handicapped child than the parents of Downs children. Furthermore, while it is possible for parents to have more than one Autistic child, in most cases the siblings are healthy and normal. Thus suggesting the parents are not to blame (genetically or otherwise), for if they were abnormal enough to create one Autistic child, most of their other children would probably have suffered the same fate. This shows how difficult it is to rely upon subjective judgments made without proper methods of measurement. It seems hard on parents that the early theories of parental abnormality were put forward without any scientific proof, and have caused much unhappiness ever since.
The chances are that a number of different pathological processes could affect the parts of the brain that are important for human communication, and could produce the same effects on behavior.
Some children who are born both Deaf and Blind behave like Autistic children.
Sometimes children with visual problems may have the same kinds of hand movements, and the same tendency to jump and spin like Autistic children do. They may be very concerned about routines, and become most unhappy if anything in the house is moved from its usual place. They may appear to look past or through people, and their social behavior may be a problem. The point being thet in some cases the Autism causes the sensory processing disorders, and in other cases, the sensory processing disorders cause the Autism (or in this case Autistic-like behavior).
Georgiana Stehli was severely Autistic. Then she got AIT and was practically cured, thus proving thet (in her case) the Auditory Processing Disorder caused her Autism. Once I got my Irlen lenses and my AIT, 2/3 of my Autism symptoms went away.
Professional workers who hold theories which imply that the parents cause their child to become Autistic may recommend that these parents should have psychotherapy or psychoanalysis in order to help their child indirectly. There is no evidence that this is useful in practice. Not to say we all could not use the alternate perspective of a Therapist.
Lorna repeatedly refers to and recommends the book The Siege (see my review).
She explains how visual communicators with bad visual processing can come to understand pictures easier than audio communicators with bad audio processing can learn sounds.
Not mentioned by her is thet Audio communicators will invent Neologisms (new words thet have an emotional definition to them but are gibberish to anyone else), whereas Visual communicators will not necessarily invent “gibberish” pictures.
But, when I was young I invented a picture thet looked somewhat like 7woo which had an emotional definition to me, but today I cannot explain exactly what it meant. Whereas as a Hyperlexic Aspie, I invented many Neologisms which had very distinct meanings to me.
So Lorna explains thet children can learn the days of the week by drawing out a 7-day calendar with a picture of the main expected event of that day. After which the days can be separated into “before lunch” and “after lunch” time-slots. Eventually they can be elaborated on by denoting morning, day, evening, and night as pictures on the calendar.
This can also help with Autistics (like me) who have difficulty remembering a mental list of more than a few things; see the girl above sent to get her jumper, only to return with a chair. One girl was told she was going shopping with her mother, then to a restaurant, and finally to the cinema. She repeated this several times, each time getting the sequence wrong. She became very worried and anxious. Finally she was shown a picture of the shop at the top, the restaurant in the middle, and the cinema at the bottom. Her finger was guided to touch each one in sequence. This satisfied her completely.
It would not have worked if she were still in a stage in which left/right, back/front, and up/down were hopelessly confused.
A boy of 10 was helped to understand second, minute, hour, and day when his mother drew out lines of differing lengths to demonstrate the relationship of the different time periods.
See Jessica Park (in my review of the book Exiting Nirvana) defining emotions with varying invented taste sensations; e.g.: Flavors correlated with times she "looked at the clock by mistake." They correlated with the number of times she soaped herself in the bath: 0 light blueberry, 1 lime, 2 lemon, 3 orange, 4 strawberry, 5 vanilla, 6 licorice, 7 chocolate, 8 grape, 9 or more is blueberry again. "Dark lemon", "dark lime" and "lime with a little bit of rice" correlated with three different kinds of "striped" cloud.
Even her pencil line proclaimed a system. "Why is the window all wiggly?" I asked of a drawing showing Jessy in bed and the moon behind her favorite tree. "It was because of the flavors", she said. "Wiggly for lime, 3/8 wiggle for lemon-lime, whole wiggle for rice pudding."
The length of a wiggly line correlated to the flavor thet symbolized the emotional definition of a picture of the moon behind a tree.
A year later when the Christmas catalog came, the various delicacies received numbers: 137 for solid chocolate, 173 for chocolate with nuts, 337 for chocolate with coconut. Debosh torte was 3. That same number was correlated with airplane vapor trails; if 2 vapor trails crossed, the cloud at the crossing-point yielded 7 to the 200th power +2. The exponential 7 was "rice pudding with lime lime"; a 3 was rainbow colored. In the systems last stage Jessy correlated colors, flavors, and numbers with her typing errors, and correlated them with "flavor cookies".
No one taught her this. She invented it herself to help her compensate for her otherwise scrambled senses.
Also see the young Georgiana Stehli before AIT kicking any car with a French license plate, because the numbers were just wrong!
When teaching such kids, this can definitely be used to your advantage, once you come to understand the definitions of the words they use in their “Faerie language.”
Back to Lorna’s book: Autistic children can be taught to read the words, but their comprehension of what the words mean may remain vague. Words can take on definitions for the child if they have a picture to go with them. You can make a book telling the story of the child’s own life or daily activity, including pictures of the child doing those things as a reference for what the words mean.
The same idea applies when encouraging a child to practice writing. An Autistic girl of 12 began to enjoy writing words when she realized she could make a list of things she wanted when shopping. Developing this skill then helped her in another way. She became tense and anxious for several days before a special event because she hated waiting. Then she began to write about the anticipated event. This reassured her thet it really would happen, and she was able to relax and look forward to it with pleasure.
I thought in musical notes until I was about 15, at which time I started writing lists (though I will always think music). The compilations of listed things I liked were comforting to me, not just the writing of them, but the possession of the lists upon completion. My evil mother would find these lists and become abusive (for no reason), always desperate to invent some reason to be abusive. That was my parents in general, daily just making shit up to abuse me for. Said with vicious condescension, “You made a list of things you like!” I would go deer in headlights and think, So??? I was comforted making lists. I cannot explain why.
I was also comforted by drawing the texture of wrinkled surfaces.
I also love to draw pictures of drum sets. This gives me a comfort not related to how I feel when I play drums – the organizing of visual patterns feels different from the composing of music/organizing of sound patterns. I also love to design motorcycles in my head, which feels totally different from the comfort I get by riding them. Motorcycles, drums, and writing are things I have relationships with, as opposed to, and as compensation for the lack of, relationships with people; drums are positively my sex surrogate.
I strongly identify with the child above, in her ability to comfort herself by writing about what formerly gave her anxiety.
Lorna then presents a general discussion about Sexual Development, including oblivious public masturbation, the social cluelessness thet leaves them open to manipulation from sexual predators, and their propensity to spill their guts to startled strangers about menstruation, etc.
She also very (too) briefly addresses what happens when a child realizes just how different they are, and wonders why this happened to them.
I want to make my own statement here: I think the most asinine thing I have ever heard on this subject is when religious morons tell their child thet God made them different for a reason. You are a sadist if you believe in a God who would roast people in Hell or make a disabled child suffer. I feel hostile toward people who teach their child to believe in a Sadistic God who tortures children.
You religious monsters can go to the Hell you invented in your sadistic fantasies you dump on your child. Fuck you. Your child’s disability was not inflicted on them by your God of Sadism! It was, just like evolution, a freak accident. Thus, tell your child not to take it personal. Shit happens!
Lorna mentions how equally important it is not to try to convince your child thet they are normal, e.g., telling them thet everyone has problems, do not think about it. Instead, tell them it is normal for people to have disabilities, not thet they are normal and do not have one.
This reminds me of “parents” who cut their baby daughter’s hermaphroditic clitoris off but then intentionally refrain from ever telling her anything about it, hoping thet if they maintain the lie (about how insane they are) long enough she might be able to stumble through life never thinking to ask what an orgasm is. “Parents” like this can be shot in the head as far as I am concerned.
This almost psychotic level of denial of reality is seen more obviously in some men, who are not man enough to admit their wimpy sperm created a runt child. For these cowards, their “male ego” takes it personal when this happens, abandoning their child rather than really “manning-up”, whereas women are generally more accepting of a disabled child (or becoming a martyr-mom with Munchausen Syndrome, addicted to her child's disability).
I can direct you to the Autism Lectures page and my lecture on Life Lessons, wherein I present you with my own Astrology and Life Lessons charts, using them to show how my disabilities could be blessings in disguise (in my case). Make these charts for your child at birth, and go over them repeatedly with your child throughout their childhood to demonstrate to them what their life purpose is, and how they can find and use the advantages of their disability.
I can take this a step further (read: really beat it into the ground) and direct you to the interview with Erin Rothschild (mentioned in my Life Lessons lecture) wherein it is suggested thet we all choose our lives before we are conceived (reincarnation being a scientific fact), and thet you thus chose to have Autism because of the lessons it would teach you.
Anyway, Lorna briefly addresses this, saying do not try to convince your child there is nothing wrong with them, instead help them use the handicap as a tool.
Lorna talks about employment problems, stating thet the most important factor in helping an Autistic settle into stable employment is a sympathetic and accommodating employer. This was certainly true in my case, wherein my day-job as a Security Guard; my boss knew better than to send me to be a bouncer at a bar (strong-arming drunken assholes who are looking for a fight), instead was sent to guard tractors parked out in the desert over night. No people! Perfect job!
Also, no one else who works for that company wanted these “boring” posts, which to me were heaven. I found my niche. The company was glad to have me.
You can Google “Company hires Autistics” and find hundreds of stories.
Aims of education: Most Autistics remain handicapped throughout their life, thus it is important to help them compensate for their disabilities; i.e., do not try to teach them things they are not interested in (such as forcing non-verbals to talk)! Instead find their gift and nurture it.
I should have been sent to art school, and never forced to even acknowledge all the other useless shit I was forced to mindlessly parrot for no reason. I got an A++ in art, but flunked math, so my dad spanked me with a belt for getting bad grades in something I am (to this day) not able to understand, totally dismissing the fact I was the only kid in school who routinely got an A++!
All Autistics have sensory processing disorders. I heard 20 dB too loud, thus I inevitably became a recording engineer, running the best recording studio in Portland OR for 9 years, because I had to find some way to control sound. No thanks to my evil “parents” and evil skkkools who only abused me for being terrible at doing useless shit I will never use anyway.
So, like Aspie Bjork, I became a professional musician/recording engineer/record producer because I could not help it. It was my only obvious gift at the time (“gift” meaning wincing pain, rage-attacks, and petrifying anxiety caused by the Audio processing disorder no one, including me, knew I even had at the time), and no one helped me cultivate it (into an art-form thet could become my career). In fact recording classes (read: how to be a professional listener) were not even offered in public school (to my eternal burning anger).
He needs to be shown ways of coping with the world which are open to him, and how to develop to the full the skills which he does possess so that he is not frustrated by the things he cannot do.
I am very much aware thet playing drums (and otherwise obsessing about them) is a surrogate for my lack of ability to acquire and keep a girlfriend (when I am fantasizing about snuggling in bed with a girl, my mind switches back and forth from girl to drums. I cannot help it. They are the same thing). No thanks to anyone but me, I had to figure this all out on my own, which I bitterly resent!
Please utterly reject all concept of reality, and let your Faerie child teach you how to raise them.
She ends with a list of 7 recommended books.
This was written In England English in 1972, thus it is sometimes a peculiar read (which I enjoyed), but was otherwise an excellent introduction to the subject.
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Being With Rachel
A story of memory and survival
by Karen Brennan
This is the biography of a 25-year-old girl who got in a motorcycle crash and damaged her brain. It is written by her mother. She was in a coma for weeks, then hospital to nursing home for 6 months.
Her right arm and leg are paralyzed.
She is not Autistic, and even after the accident is not at all Retarded - superb vocabulary and sharp wit. She just has many disconnects in her brain thet makes her unable to remember anything new - she also lost the memory of some things past. This memory deficit is very much like Mark Hogancamp's from the documentary film Marwencol (see my review). Like Mark, Rachel's brain injury made her acquire some Asperger traits without it necessarily being Autism.
Why do the doctors continue to be unimpressed with Rachel's progress? This is why: As witty and verbal as she is showing herself to be, a crippling disability is revealing it's self - she has absolutely no short-term memory. From minute to minute, even second to second, she cannot retain what is said to her, what she did, whom she spoke to. Nor does she know, despite continual cues and reminders and even drills, where she is or what happened to her. She knows her family and friends - she always recognizes the important people in her life. She remembers most of her past, with a few gaps. Italy, where she had spent the summer is a blank to her, as is her last year of college, including her graduation. "Did I graduate from college?" is one of her persistent, anxious questions, to which we give the answer again and again, complete with GPA; but she cannot seem to hold the answer in her mind.
In the mornings Dr Frank makes her rounds. When she gets to Rachel's room she has a routine. She says, "Where are you, Rachel?" And Rachel looks out the window for a clue. Tucson? Colorado? New York? Every morning Rachel has no idea where she is.
The second question is, "What is my name, Rachel?"
Rachel hems and haws. "Well girlfriend", she says, "fuck if I know."
This answer does not amuse her doctor.
What month is it? and year? She never has any idea.
Today, 5 years post-injury, Rachel still has trouble with the date and thus her own age. My question is: Is this post-traumatic amnesia? or short-term memory deficit? No one ever attempts to answer me.
I push her to the gift-shop, where she is immediately taken with a pair of earrings. This is a phenomenon called "stimulus bound", meaning that brain-injured persons are easily, indeed instantaneously, distracted by new stimuli [this is why/how I developed the theory thet the trick to life is to be forever on your quest for the alternate perspective]. Could this be an explanation for Autistic Attention Deficit? She fingers one longingly, so I buy them for her. I will present them to her on many occasions: Christmas, Valentine's Day, you-name-it, and Rachel will always respond with surprise and delight. It is kind of mean, but funny too.
We entered another weird phase of recovery, this time with something the brain books call "confabulation." "Cinderella smashed all the windows", Rachel announced sadly. A few days later she told me she had finally figured out where we were - in a plane over Vietnam. There was a war going on.
Confabulation is one of those brain-injury pathologies wherein the injured brain, in extreme confusion, begins to make stuff up. When I was not worried about the psychotic feel of these confabulations, I have to admit they delighted me. They were bizarrely metaphorical; wasn't the plane over Vietnam a story thet made sense out of trauma? When Rachel joyfully proclaimed thet she was giving birth to a baby, I saw it as a sign of hope. "She is giving birth to herself!" I said - an interpretation thet was met with a look of pity from the nurses.
Rachel's propensity to repeat herself is called "perserveration." If confabulation is replacing fact with fantasy, concocting wild tales to compensate for a lack of memory (see Mark Hogancamp from Marwencol), the perseveration is a failure of imagination. The perserveration can only repeat, and this repetition is like a manic activity of the hamster running in it's wheel. One can almost feel the glitch in some neuronal loop, the inability to jump off. This is very much like Autistic Echolalia, or Asperger Fixated Subjects lectured on about endlessly as a comforting Stim. Also see Sabine (from the documentary Her Name Is Sabine) irritatingly asking the same questions over and over until people want to scream, or my Asperger father only asking utterly stupid questions he obviously knows the answers to.
Rachel perserverates all the time now. She gets stuck on a series of questions, which I answer over and over: "What happened to me? Where am I? What will happen next? Do I have a boyfriend? What day is it? What Year is it?" And as soon as the series has been answered, she begins again. I estimate thet her short-term memory is about 1 minute in length.
Rachel's new laugh, a kind of crazy guffaw thet sounds like Horshack on the 70's TV show Welcome Back Kotter. The laugh is characteristic of someone with a brain-stem injury.
I have a distinctive laugh, voicing on the inhale rather than the exhale (not as annoying as the intentionally-comical donkey bray of Horshack, but distinctive none-the-less). I wonder if I acquired it after my brain-injury (at age 12), or if I always laughed like that - considering Autism (I had since a child) is also partly a brain-injury.
Indeed, Rachel is always laughing. Her laughter echos down the hospital corridors. "She is not serious about anything", complained one of the nurses.
"Mr M" is a pseudonym for a real-life person who suffered total memory obliteration at the hand of a [Mengele-I-mean-] surgeon who was trying to cure his Epilepsy. Epilepsy is an intestinal disorder thet has nothing to do with the brain! Mr M appears often in case-books about the brain-injuries and is a chilling story thet has been documented in Philip J Hilts' book Memory's Ghost. Mr M's surgeon drilled a hole in his cranium and sucked out his Hypocampus as well as all the surrounding matter and formations. He thus lost the ability to recall anything at all.
Rachel would not be as severely impaired as Mr M. She remembers people not only from her past, by name, always consistently, but even those she has met since the accident, at least by face. Though her college graduation seems to be a hole, as is her trip to Italy, she remembers most of her past. She recalls the shape of her past, a kind of historical narrative, without the specific episodes that give the past richness.
In Rachel's case, some of her experiences bypassed short-term memory and found their way into long-term memory, from which she was able to retrieve them. For example, she was totally blank 5 minutes after a trip to the mall, but a day later might recall it. Compare this to the character in (my review of) the movie Blink.
Also, her procedural memory seemed to be in tact. She remembered how to do things like make a sandwich or zip a jacket. And she had added new procedures post-accident, like eating with her left hand.
It is events thet seem to bypass her entirely - I mean literally everything thet happens. Conversations (even seconds later), meals, outings, visits. And in this way she was indeed like Mr M.
"Everything is skewed a little to the left. I feel like I am in a dream."
The hardest thing for me was her perseverations. Over and over again she would ask what happened to her, where she was, how old she was, whether she graduated from college, what year it was. I would answer while pouring milk on her cereal, and as she took the first bite, she would ask them all over again.
I felt I was being tortured. I broke down and sobbed.
I typed a list of all her questions and all the answers. "Read your list", I would say. But it took her a long time to read that 3-pages, and by the time she got to the end she had already forgotten the first 3/4. "What happened to me? Just tell me."
Everyone has different ways of remembering: visual, aural, tactile, etc. Rachel stored things creatively, complexly, and this is why her memory was so slow to recover. Rachel was an Associative Thinker, zig-zagging blithely across neurons from A to N to F [as opposed to Linear Thinking wherein A must lead to B must lead to C]. Even now, Rachel would be waylaid by a pun, thrown off by the logical, or by any incongruity. But she cannot find her way back again.
Throughout this story I repeatedly thought, Why doesn't she make Rachel write out her life story in chronological order, re-writing it and embellishing on it every day as she remembers more? With my brain injury, that is how I remember; i.e., I am an excellent writer but a horrible speaker, for I get lost in conversations unless I can stop and write it out in my mind first.
It occurred to me thet without her compulsive activity of confabulation (making up analogies to fill in for what she cannot think of literally) and perseveration (fixating on a subject), a written narrative of any interest could not be made.
I could become her writing teacher. If I could encourage her to write stories then perhaps narrative-making would jump-start her memory. "Tell me a story, Rachel. Make something up." At first her stories were non-narrative confabulations: "There is Justine with a bee on her head."
Eventually the stories would acquire a narrative, but would be flat. The character of Justine (a small, pale, weak, girl) would simply drift into some arena (a desert, the city, a mall) and stay there. The stories were shapeless, lacking destiny. Still, a sense of conflict was beginning; built into the notion of "small, pale, weak" is the trajectory of a plot, a sense thet she will undertake a journey and overcome her frailty (perhaps a metaphor for Rachel's sense of self - she is Justine, and the bee is her brain-injury).
After a while her stories attempted to reach some kind of resolution: "A very small weak girl struck out for the desert because she had been left alone, and her father and mother had died, and there was nothing she could think of to do but go to the desert and weep under a Mesquite. On the way there, however, she met a nice friend who happened to be named Charles. He had a bunch of chocolates with him, which he shared with the small weak girl, and which revitalized her. They had a great time, and eventually they went to Las Vegas. The End."
"Not bad", I said.
"Really?"
"It shows you are optimistic, in thet you think the chocolates could cure the small weak girl."
"What was the story again?"
Brain-injured people often lose (utterly) their inhibition, unable to recognize what is appropriate in mixed-company. This can manifest as anything from an Asperger-like Pragmatic Language Disorder, to oblivious public masturbation.
Rachel was always a social butterfly, very enthusiastically friendly with everyone, but since the injury, Rachel's disinhibition makes it only too clear thet her sense of propriety had vanished, thet there is some pathology compelling her friendliness.
I explained thet when she was overly-friendly she was signaling to people there was something wrong with her. She thought for a minute, then said, shaming me, "Well, there is something wrong with me."
Her wit soared way beyond my own, her synapses working rapid-fire when it came to anything linguistic. This was typical of Rachel before the accident (fluent in 2 languages), but now without inhibition it was startling, though real conversation was virtually impossible.
We also played more therapeutic games, like trying to name some wacky item for each letter in the Alphabet; and though she had to be continually re-oriented during this game, what she came up with was always a delight.
We are fundamentally enclosed vessels of consciousness needing only a trickle of reality leaking in to fuel our subjectivities. I could imagine 2 leaks in Rachel's vessel, 1 thet let reality in, and 1 thet instantaneously let it stream out again.
What is missing seems to be a chunk of subjectivity crucial to narrative-making.
I have discovered thet Rachel will hold onto the memory with the most emotional charge. Not exactly the memory, which would involve a recall of precise circumstances, but the feeling content, which lingers obsessively.
Perhaps this can explain why Aspergers are known for ruminating on bad experience past for inordinate lengths of time. Unable to "get over it" about some bad thing thet happened years ago, they get stuck on re-playing it (in anger) over and over; i.e., with Aspergian Memory Deficit, the only thing I can remember is the things thet made me furious (ages ago).
In my Getting To The Bottom Of This zine series I repeatedly complained thet I had no good memories and felt thet nothing good had ever happened. This is possibly due to my inability to recall anything but those with an intense emotional charge (usually negative); all my positive thoughts are about the (confabulation) future; all my negative ones are about the (perseveration) past.
The disinhibition was more outrageous than before - it had taken on a compulsive flavor. She seemed to be addicted to having an audience, and craved interaction. She spoke cheerfully and intimately to department store clerks, to the preoccupied waiting in grocery store lines, to folks wrapped in privacy in restaurants.
At home this overly-friendly "delightful" girl would decompose into agitation, depression, and more and more frequently, rage.
Karen spends a page talking about the loss of Rachel's long-term friendships. The point (to me) being thet the old Rachel died in the crash, and all thet remained is reminders of what she no longer is. This was too much for her friends (sometimes even sobbing in grief) to handle.
I cried when I read this part of the book.
At the end of the day crammed with activity, Rachel would complain thet we had done nothing, thet she was bored out of her mind. She could not focus enough to watch TV or read; she could not even hang-out at the dinner table without jumping up and down, nor could she sustain any kind of conversation.
I tried to imagine what it was like for Rachel, going through life in a blur, hedging her bets against the poor odds of her remembering anything. A balancing act between what she knew and what she thought she should know. Most of her energy seemed to go toward coping-strategies.
I had come to believe thet memory was the act of imagining what had past.
I counted on her acute hearing - indeed, post-injury she could hear a pin drop in a restaurant.
We celebrated Rachel's birthday. She held court, shocking and amusing the guests with her disinhibited wise-cracks. "She is so delightful!" someone whispered to me. Another humorously observed thet she was exactly how she used to be after 2 gin and tonics.
Possibly more serious, as well as more laughable, was the matter of Rachel's language. Her propensity to utter whatever came to mind mostly revealed her sweet and humorous nature. But she was also a wise-ass, given to irreverent and frequently obscene cracks. And even though obscenity is common-place in brain-injured patients, my disinhibited daughter left us to our own devices, which felt slim to me.
Formerly a State Champion runner, Rachel measures her recovery by her physique. In brain-injury any challenge helps recovery because it causes those neurons to begin sparking. So physical exercise, as it draws upon the brain's resources, may actually help cognition.
This was clearly demonstrated with Aut-erobics. See my review of that documentary, wherein a severely Autistic child, when asked to do a written test, was a spastic Retard! They had him do a specific physical exercise, then re-focused him on the test, and he did it easily as if he was a Normal kid.
I have obsessively played drums every day for most of my life, as a Stim, and to help me focus my Attention Deficit. After playing drums for a few hours, I am almost like a normal person!
I tried to puzzle out the difference between storing a memory and retrieving it. It seemed to me thet Rachel did store memories, but somewhere amid her 2 billion neurons those memories got hidden.
This reminds me of the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wherein a man wants his bad memories erased, but during the procedure changes his mind, so he has to hide his memories in alternate parts of his brain so they cannot be found and erased. This is what Rachel is doing to some extent - memories being stored in parts of her brain not normally used for memory.
My evidence for this was the eerie fact thet the odd memory would surface days after an event, an occurrence thet became commonplace for Rachel as time went on. It was shocking really. Sitting in a restaurant, she would suddenly ask if we were going to her massage appointment next, which had actually taken place the day before. She had no memory of this as a past event.
And this again reminds me of the movie Blink, wherein a woman with horrible visual processing would see something with her eyes, but it would take a whole day before her mind transposed it to her conscious. Thus she would suddenly get visual flash-backs of what she had seen the day before.
With Feldenkreis Therapy the human skeleton can find easier and more natural ways of moving. The results were quite remarkable. Simply by adjusting the position of an arm or leg, or turning her torso it would liberate a whole complex of movements. After some small adjustments, Rachel actually stood up by herself.
Tomatis Therapy involves listening to specially modulated tapes through headphones. It has gained some reputation for miracle cures of Dyslexia and other learning difficulties. It is even supposed to help with balance. But it is very costly. We investigated one of it's centers, but we never signed on.
Berard Audio Integration Therapy is the same thing, only it works better and costs less. Berard is what was used to cure Georgiana Stehli of her Autism.
Tomatis is a scam. They stretch out the therapy for a year or more and charge obscene amounts of money, whereas Berard costs $1500 and only takes 10 days. Berard actually exposed this scam and forced Tomatis to quit ripping people off.
The Wikipedia page for AIT is blatant lies and demonstrates how utterly corrupt the medical profession is, stating flat-out there is no evidence it works, and thet it was actually banned in the USA (by corrupt puppet whores of the medical profession who want to keep its patients trapped and dependent), which is not true! Tomatis was one of these scam artists. This is why Wikipedia lies about AIT. This avaricious evil of "If Tomatis cannot scam people out of millions of dollars, Berard should not be allowed to provide affordable treatment either."
See the wonderful www.georgianainstitute.org for all the first hand information (read: truth) you need about the subject. Also see my review of Annabel Stehli's book Sound of a Miracle, wherein a severely Autistic child is cured by undergoing Berard Audio Integration Training.
Another excellent web-site thet actually tells the truth about it is www.aitforyou.com/HowAITWorks/HowAITworks.htm. You can also read Dr Guy Berard's personal web-site at www.drguyberard.com. Also see my AIT page for my personal experience with the wonderful AIT.
As mentioned above, Dyslexia can be alleviated by having your hearing adjusted. This seems absurd, considering Dyslexia is considered a visual problem. But the senses all influence each other. When I got my Irlen lenses, my hearing disorder calmed down. Also see the movie The King's Speech (see my review), wherein the King stuttered horribly. He put on headphones with music so loud he could no longer hear his own voice, and thus could speak perfectly. This suggests thet the "speech and language disorder" of stuttering was actually the symptom of a hearing disorder. The point being thet visual problems can be alleviated by addressing hearing problems, and hearing problems can be alleviated by addressing visual problems. I can attest to this fact.
Please read every word of the Georgiana Institute's web-site.
Back to the book:
"This is a great Article" she said, waving the magazine at me. But when I asked her to tell me about it, it was already gone. After repeated readings, she would sometimes remember thet she had read it but forgot it.
The pre-accident Rachel had been a terrific dancer, gifted with both athletic grace and natural rhythm. Since the accident, her sense of rhythm was impaired; it was all she could do to tap a painfully-skewed beat with her good left hand.
I bought several bottles of homeopathic pills, plus the book The Materia Medica, which listed all the homeopathic cures and remedies amassed since the 18th Century.
I am convinced thet with the pill thet melted under Rachel's tongue each morning, her knee continued to improve; soon she was up on her stationary bike, doing double and triple work-outs.
Thanks to a truly gifted neuropsychologist, Rachel had finally been put on Ritalin, which produced almost miraculous results. Her short-term memory had taken a giant leap forward. Now she was able to hold a vague picture of each day's noteworthy events in her head.
Though I am outright hateful of the pharmaceutical industry and am angrily opposed to the mass-drugging of "Hyperactive/Attention Deficit" children (who simply need the Aut-erobics way of learning), in Rachel's case the (brain-poisoning/chemical-lobotomy) drugs actually helped. Due to her brain already being damaged, the drug counter-balanced it.
Unlike hers, my kitchen always had a few dishes in the sink, a few crumbs on the counters. She walked to my kitchen to see it's state of repair. She looks forward to it. Before the injury, Rachel was sloppy. But tidying up the kitchen is Rachel's way of completing something, of experiencing the satisfaction thet comes from reaching a goal (we dub her "Tidy Spice" these days). "Cleaning the kitchen is my running substitute."
One of our many psychologists advised thet when I got on with my own life, Rachel would get on with hers. "You have to get on with the process. She is not going until you do."
Wasn't I living my own life by taking care of Rachel? I see now thet I had to break the long habit of servitude.
My move away from Rachel had not been easy on her, she wept every day for a week. She complained bitterly thet I had abandoned her.
I would like her to stay here in San Miguel Mexico, and it is feasible since we are surrounded by caring friends and inexpensive help. But will she be ready to take on her own life? Will her job at the bi-lingual school work out? Will she be able to create a social life fulfilling enough to sustain her? Will she be able to function on her own without me?
An insightful friend told me, "You are Rachel's buffer against the world. Get out of her way."
"Remember how you always thought this would happen to you?", living permanently in Mexico, which she adores. "Don't you think it is possible thet your soul chose this?"
I cannot help but entertain this notion as I recall the pre-accident Rachel in all her young adult wisdom, "the perfect child", who, in the point of view of her soul, had it too easy. And me too, in my melancholy boredom.
Rachel said, "We showed those doctors", who's gloomy predictions were thet Rachel would never get better, and would in fact regress to a vegetable state.
Today Rachel lives in Mexico, financially supported by her mom, but otherwise totally on her own.
Karen is a very annoying writer. She repeatedly interjects French phrases rather than speaking plain English, and uses lines such as "not unlike" rather than "like". Many times while reading this annoying book I put it down and said aloud, in frustration, Why did she word it like that? Why doesn't she just talk normal! She is also an Associative Thinker who rambles on, off the subject, interjecting mountains of irrelevant side-points. Here is an example; "The Feldenkreis therapist, Rich, a mild-mannered, balding man whose office was in his tiny apartment, explained thet Feldenkreis, unlike traditional physical therapy, involved the bones rather than the muscles."
Do I need to know his name is Rich? Do I need to know he is mild-mannered and balding? Do I need to know his office is in his apartment? Do I need to know the god-damn size of his apartment? You are so annoying! Why didn't she just say, "Feldenkreis Therapy adjusts the bones rather than the muscles." Period. Get to the point!
Still a very interesting (true) story thet made me laugh and cry.
Rachel is not at all Autistic, though she does have some brain-injury-induced problems similar to Mark Hogancamp's. She is a vivacious, overly-friendly, social-butterfly who delights in being such, and is repeatedly referred to as "delightful" by most people who meet her (one day she disappears in her electric wheel-chair. Mom asks a random stranger if they have seen a blonde girl in a wheelchair, and they say, "Of Course. Everyone knows Rachel!"). But her startling Pragmatic Language Disorder and horrid short-term memory are very Asperger-like.
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A story of memory and survival
by Karen Brennan
This is the biography of a 25-year-old girl who got in a motorcycle crash and damaged her brain. It is written by her mother. She was in a coma for weeks, then hospital to nursing home for 6 months.
Her right arm and leg are paralyzed.
She is not Autistic, and even after the accident is not at all Retarded - superb vocabulary and sharp wit. She just has many disconnects in her brain thet makes her unable to remember anything new - she also lost the memory of some things past. This memory deficit is very much like Mark Hogancamp's from the documentary film Marwencol (see my review). Like Mark, Rachel's brain injury made her acquire some Asperger traits without it necessarily being Autism.
Why do the doctors continue to be unimpressed with Rachel's progress? This is why: As witty and verbal as she is showing herself to be, a crippling disability is revealing it's self - she has absolutely no short-term memory. From minute to minute, even second to second, she cannot retain what is said to her, what she did, whom she spoke to. Nor does she know, despite continual cues and reminders and even drills, where she is or what happened to her. She knows her family and friends - she always recognizes the important people in her life. She remembers most of her past, with a few gaps. Italy, where she had spent the summer is a blank to her, as is her last year of college, including her graduation. "Did I graduate from college?" is one of her persistent, anxious questions, to which we give the answer again and again, complete with GPA; but she cannot seem to hold the answer in her mind.
In the mornings Dr Frank makes her rounds. When she gets to Rachel's room she has a routine. She says, "Where are you, Rachel?" And Rachel looks out the window for a clue. Tucson? Colorado? New York? Every morning Rachel has no idea where she is.
The second question is, "What is my name, Rachel?"
Rachel hems and haws. "Well girlfriend", she says, "fuck if I know."
This answer does not amuse her doctor.
What month is it? and year? She never has any idea.
Today, 5 years post-injury, Rachel still has trouble with the date and thus her own age. My question is: Is this post-traumatic amnesia? or short-term memory deficit? No one ever attempts to answer me.
I push her to the gift-shop, where she is immediately taken with a pair of earrings. This is a phenomenon called "stimulus bound", meaning that brain-injured persons are easily, indeed instantaneously, distracted by new stimuli [this is why/how I developed the theory thet the trick to life is to be forever on your quest for the alternate perspective]. Could this be an explanation for Autistic Attention Deficit? She fingers one longingly, so I buy them for her. I will present them to her on many occasions: Christmas, Valentine's Day, you-name-it, and Rachel will always respond with surprise and delight. It is kind of mean, but funny too.
We entered another weird phase of recovery, this time with something the brain books call "confabulation." "Cinderella smashed all the windows", Rachel announced sadly. A few days later she told me she had finally figured out where we were - in a plane over Vietnam. There was a war going on.
Confabulation is one of those brain-injury pathologies wherein the injured brain, in extreme confusion, begins to make stuff up. When I was not worried about the psychotic feel of these confabulations, I have to admit they delighted me. They were bizarrely metaphorical; wasn't the plane over Vietnam a story thet made sense out of trauma? When Rachel joyfully proclaimed thet she was giving birth to a baby, I saw it as a sign of hope. "She is giving birth to herself!" I said - an interpretation thet was met with a look of pity from the nurses.
Rachel's propensity to repeat herself is called "perserveration." If confabulation is replacing fact with fantasy, concocting wild tales to compensate for a lack of memory (see Mark Hogancamp from Marwencol), the perseveration is a failure of imagination. The perserveration can only repeat, and this repetition is like a manic activity of the hamster running in it's wheel. One can almost feel the glitch in some neuronal loop, the inability to jump off. This is very much like Autistic Echolalia, or Asperger Fixated Subjects lectured on about endlessly as a comforting Stim. Also see Sabine (from the documentary Her Name Is Sabine) irritatingly asking the same questions over and over until people want to scream, or my Asperger father only asking utterly stupid questions he obviously knows the answers to.
Rachel perserverates all the time now. She gets stuck on a series of questions, which I answer over and over: "What happened to me? Where am I? What will happen next? Do I have a boyfriend? What day is it? What Year is it?" And as soon as the series has been answered, she begins again. I estimate thet her short-term memory is about 1 minute in length.
Rachel's new laugh, a kind of crazy guffaw thet sounds like Horshack on the 70's TV show Welcome Back Kotter. The laugh is characteristic of someone with a brain-stem injury.
I have a distinctive laugh, voicing on the inhale rather than the exhale (not as annoying as the intentionally-comical donkey bray of Horshack, but distinctive none-the-less). I wonder if I acquired it after my brain-injury (at age 12), or if I always laughed like that - considering Autism (I had since a child) is also partly a brain-injury.
Indeed, Rachel is always laughing. Her laughter echos down the hospital corridors. "She is not serious about anything", complained one of the nurses.
"Mr M" is a pseudonym for a real-life person who suffered total memory obliteration at the hand of a [Mengele-I-mean-] surgeon who was trying to cure his Epilepsy. Epilepsy is an intestinal disorder thet has nothing to do with the brain! Mr M appears often in case-books about the brain-injuries and is a chilling story thet has been documented in Philip J Hilts' book Memory's Ghost. Mr M's surgeon drilled a hole in his cranium and sucked out his Hypocampus as well as all the surrounding matter and formations. He thus lost the ability to recall anything at all.
Rachel would not be as severely impaired as Mr M. She remembers people not only from her past, by name, always consistently, but even those she has met since the accident, at least by face. Though her college graduation seems to be a hole, as is her trip to Italy, she remembers most of her past. She recalls the shape of her past, a kind of historical narrative, without the specific episodes that give the past richness.
In Rachel's case, some of her experiences bypassed short-term memory and found their way into long-term memory, from which she was able to retrieve them. For example, she was totally blank 5 minutes after a trip to the mall, but a day later might recall it. Compare this to the character in (my review of) the movie Blink.
Also, her procedural memory seemed to be in tact. She remembered how to do things like make a sandwich or zip a jacket. And she had added new procedures post-accident, like eating with her left hand.
It is events thet seem to bypass her entirely - I mean literally everything thet happens. Conversations (even seconds later), meals, outings, visits. And in this way she was indeed like Mr M.
"Everything is skewed a little to the left. I feel like I am in a dream."
The hardest thing for me was her perseverations. Over and over again she would ask what happened to her, where she was, how old she was, whether she graduated from college, what year it was. I would answer while pouring milk on her cereal, and as she took the first bite, she would ask them all over again.
I felt I was being tortured. I broke down and sobbed.
I typed a list of all her questions and all the answers. "Read your list", I would say. But it took her a long time to read that 3-pages, and by the time she got to the end she had already forgotten the first 3/4. "What happened to me? Just tell me."
Everyone has different ways of remembering: visual, aural, tactile, etc. Rachel stored things creatively, complexly, and this is why her memory was so slow to recover. Rachel was an Associative Thinker, zig-zagging blithely across neurons from A to N to F [as opposed to Linear Thinking wherein A must lead to B must lead to C]. Even now, Rachel would be waylaid by a pun, thrown off by the logical, or by any incongruity. But she cannot find her way back again.
Throughout this story I repeatedly thought, Why doesn't she make Rachel write out her life story in chronological order, re-writing it and embellishing on it every day as she remembers more? With my brain injury, that is how I remember; i.e., I am an excellent writer but a horrible speaker, for I get lost in conversations unless I can stop and write it out in my mind first.
It occurred to me thet without her compulsive activity of confabulation (making up analogies to fill in for what she cannot think of literally) and perseveration (fixating on a subject), a written narrative of any interest could not be made.
I could become her writing teacher. If I could encourage her to write stories then perhaps narrative-making would jump-start her memory. "Tell me a story, Rachel. Make something up." At first her stories were non-narrative confabulations: "There is Justine with a bee on her head."
Eventually the stories would acquire a narrative, but would be flat. The character of Justine (a small, pale, weak, girl) would simply drift into some arena (a desert, the city, a mall) and stay there. The stories were shapeless, lacking destiny. Still, a sense of conflict was beginning; built into the notion of "small, pale, weak" is the trajectory of a plot, a sense thet she will undertake a journey and overcome her frailty (perhaps a metaphor for Rachel's sense of self - she is Justine, and the bee is her brain-injury).
After a while her stories attempted to reach some kind of resolution: "A very small weak girl struck out for the desert because she had been left alone, and her father and mother had died, and there was nothing she could think of to do but go to the desert and weep under a Mesquite. On the way there, however, she met a nice friend who happened to be named Charles. He had a bunch of chocolates with him, which he shared with the small weak girl, and which revitalized her. They had a great time, and eventually they went to Las Vegas. The End."
"Not bad", I said.
"Really?"
"It shows you are optimistic, in thet you think the chocolates could cure the small weak girl."
"What was the story again?"
Brain-injured people often lose (utterly) their inhibition, unable to recognize what is appropriate in mixed-company. This can manifest as anything from an Asperger-like Pragmatic Language Disorder, to oblivious public masturbation.
Rachel was always a social butterfly, very enthusiastically friendly with everyone, but since the injury, Rachel's disinhibition makes it only too clear thet her sense of propriety had vanished, thet there is some pathology compelling her friendliness.
I explained thet when she was overly-friendly she was signaling to people there was something wrong with her. She thought for a minute, then said, shaming me, "Well, there is something wrong with me."
Her wit soared way beyond my own, her synapses working rapid-fire when it came to anything linguistic. This was typical of Rachel before the accident (fluent in 2 languages), but now without inhibition it was startling, though real conversation was virtually impossible.
We also played more therapeutic games, like trying to name some wacky item for each letter in the Alphabet; and though she had to be continually re-oriented during this game, what she came up with was always a delight.
We are fundamentally enclosed vessels of consciousness needing only a trickle of reality leaking in to fuel our subjectivities. I could imagine 2 leaks in Rachel's vessel, 1 thet let reality in, and 1 thet instantaneously let it stream out again.
What is missing seems to be a chunk of subjectivity crucial to narrative-making.
I have discovered thet Rachel will hold onto the memory with the most emotional charge. Not exactly the memory, which would involve a recall of precise circumstances, but the feeling content, which lingers obsessively.
Perhaps this can explain why Aspergers are known for ruminating on bad experience past for inordinate lengths of time. Unable to "get over it" about some bad thing thet happened years ago, they get stuck on re-playing it (in anger) over and over; i.e., with Aspergian Memory Deficit, the only thing I can remember is the things thet made me furious (ages ago).
In my Getting To The Bottom Of This zine series I repeatedly complained thet I had no good memories and felt thet nothing good had ever happened. This is possibly due to my inability to recall anything but those with an intense emotional charge (usually negative); all my positive thoughts are about the (confabulation) future; all my negative ones are about the (perseveration) past.
The disinhibition was more outrageous than before - it had taken on a compulsive flavor. She seemed to be addicted to having an audience, and craved interaction. She spoke cheerfully and intimately to department store clerks, to the preoccupied waiting in grocery store lines, to folks wrapped in privacy in restaurants.
At home this overly-friendly "delightful" girl would decompose into agitation, depression, and more and more frequently, rage.
Karen spends a page talking about the loss of Rachel's long-term friendships. The point (to me) being thet the old Rachel died in the crash, and all thet remained is reminders of what she no longer is. This was too much for her friends (sometimes even sobbing in grief) to handle.
I cried when I read this part of the book.
At the end of the day crammed with activity, Rachel would complain thet we had done nothing, thet she was bored out of her mind. She could not focus enough to watch TV or read; she could not even hang-out at the dinner table without jumping up and down, nor could she sustain any kind of conversation.
I tried to imagine what it was like for Rachel, going through life in a blur, hedging her bets against the poor odds of her remembering anything. A balancing act between what she knew and what she thought she should know. Most of her energy seemed to go toward coping-strategies.
I had come to believe thet memory was the act of imagining what had past.
I counted on her acute hearing - indeed, post-injury she could hear a pin drop in a restaurant.
We celebrated Rachel's birthday. She held court, shocking and amusing the guests with her disinhibited wise-cracks. "She is so delightful!" someone whispered to me. Another humorously observed thet she was exactly how she used to be after 2 gin and tonics.
Possibly more serious, as well as more laughable, was the matter of Rachel's language. Her propensity to utter whatever came to mind mostly revealed her sweet and humorous nature. But she was also a wise-ass, given to irreverent and frequently obscene cracks. And even though obscenity is common-place in brain-injured patients, my disinhibited daughter left us to our own devices, which felt slim to me.
Formerly a State Champion runner, Rachel measures her recovery by her physique. In brain-injury any challenge helps recovery because it causes those neurons to begin sparking. So physical exercise, as it draws upon the brain's resources, may actually help cognition.
This was clearly demonstrated with Aut-erobics. See my review of that documentary, wherein a severely Autistic child, when asked to do a written test, was a spastic Retard! They had him do a specific physical exercise, then re-focused him on the test, and he did it easily as if he was a Normal kid.
I have obsessively played drums every day for most of my life, as a Stim, and to help me focus my Attention Deficit. After playing drums for a few hours, I am almost like a normal person!
I tried to puzzle out the difference between storing a memory and retrieving it. It seemed to me thet Rachel did store memories, but somewhere amid her 2 billion neurons those memories got hidden.
This reminds me of the movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wherein a man wants his bad memories erased, but during the procedure changes his mind, so he has to hide his memories in alternate parts of his brain so they cannot be found and erased. This is what Rachel is doing to some extent - memories being stored in parts of her brain not normally used for memory.
My evidence for this was the eerie fact thet the odd memory would surface days after an event, an occurrence thet became commonplace for Rachel as time went on. It was shocking really. Sitting in a restaurant, she would suddenly ask if we were going to her massage appointment next, which had actually taken place the day before. She had no memory of this as a past event.
And this again reminds me of the movie Blink, wherein a woman with horrible visual processing would see something with her eyes, but it would take a whole day before her mind transposed it to her conscious. Thus she would suddenly get visual flash-backs of what she had seen the day before.
With Feldenkreis Therapy the human skeleton can find easier and more natural ways of moving. The results were quite remarkable. Simply by adjusting the position of an arm or leg, or turning her torso it would liberate a whole complex of movements. After some small adjustments, Rachel actually stood up by herself.
Tomatis Therapy involves listening to specially modulated tapes through headphones. It has gained some reputation for miracle cures of Dyslexia and other learning difficulties. It is even supposed to help with balance. But it is very costly. We investigated one of it's centers, but we never signed on.
Berard Audio Integration Therapy is the same thing, only it works better and costs less. Berard is what was used to cure Georgiana Stehli of her Autism.
Tomatis is a scam. They stretch out the therapy for a year or more and charge obscene amounts of money, whereas Berard costs $1500 and only takes 10 days. Berard actually exposed this scam and forced Tomatis to quit ripping people off.
The Wikipedia page for AIT is blatant lies and demonstrates how utterly corrupt the medical profession is, stating flat-out there is no evidence it works, and thet it was actually banned in the USA (by corrupt puppet whores of the medical profession who want to keep its patients trapped and dependent), which is not true! Tomatis was one of these scam artists. This is why Wikipedia lies about AIT. This avaricious evil of "If Tomatis cannot scam people out of millions of dollars, Berard should not be allowed to provide affordable treatment either."
See the wonderful www.georgianainstitute.org for all the first hand information (read: truth) you need about the subject. Also see my review of Annabel Stehli's book Sound of a Miracle, wherein a severely Autistic child is cured by undergoing Berard Audio Integration Training.
Another excellent web-site thet actually tells the truth about it is www.aitforyou.com/HowAITWorks/HowAITworks.htm. You can also read Dr Guy Berard's personal web-site at www.drguyberard.com. Also see my AIT page for my personal experience with the wonderful AIT.
As mentioned above, Dyslexia can be alleviated by having your hearing adjusted. This seems absurd, considering Dyslexia is considered a visual problem. But the senses all influence each other. When I got my Irlen lenses, my hearing disorder calmed down. Also see the movie The King's Speech (see my review), wherein the King stuttered horribly. He put on headphones with music so loud he could no longer hear his own voice, and thus could speak perfectly. This suggests thet the "speech and language disorder" of stuttering was actually the symptom of a hearing disorder. The point being thet visual problems can be alleviated by addressing hearing problems, and hearing problems can be alleviated by addressing visual problems. I can attest to this fact.
Please read every word of the Georgiana Institute's web-site.
Back to the book:
"This is a great Article" she said, waving the magazine at me. But when I asked her to tell me about it, it was already gone. After repeated readings, she would sometimes remember thet she had read it but forgot it.
The pre-accident Rachel had been a terrific dancer, gifted with both athletic grace and natural rhythm. Since the accident, her sense of rhythm was impaired; it was all she could do to tap a painfully-skewed beat with her good left hand.
I bought several bottles of homeopathic pills, plus the book The Materia Medica, which listed all the homeopathic cures and remedies amassed since the 18th Century.
I am convinced thet with the pill thet melted under Rachel's tongue each morning, her knee continued to improve; soon she was up on her stationary bike, doing double and triple work-outs.
Thanks to a truly gifted neuropsychologist, Rachel had finally been put on Ritalin, which produced almost miraculous results. Her short-term memory had taken a giant leap forward. Now she was able to hold a vague picture of each day's noteworthy events in her head.
Though I am outright hateful of the pharmaceutical industry and am angrily opposed to the mass-drugging of "Hyperactive/Attention Deficit" children (who simply need the Aut-erobics way of learning), in Rachel's case the (brain-poisoning/chemical-lobotomy) drugs actually helped. Due to her brain already being damaged, the drug counter-balanced it.
Unlike hers, my kitchen always had a few dishes in the sink, a few crumbs on the counters. She walked to my kitchen to see it's state of repair. She looks forward to it. Before the injury, Rachel was sloppy. But tidying up the kitchen is Rachel's way of completing something, of experiencing the satisfaction thet comes from reaching a goal (we dub her "Tidy Spice" these days). "Cleaning the kitchen is my running substitute."
One of our many psychologists advised thet when I got on with my own life, Rachel would get on with hers. "You have to get on with the process. She is not going until you do."
Wasn't I living my own life by taking care of Rachel? I see now thet I had to break the long habit of servitude.
My move away from Rachel had not been easy on her, she wept every day for a week. She complained bitterly thet I had abandoned her.
I would like her to stay here in San Miguel Mexico, and it is feasible since we are surrounded by caring friends and inexpensive help. But will she be ready to take on her own life? Will her job at the bi-lingual school work out? Will she be able to create a social life fulfilling enough to sustain her? Will she be able to function on her own without me?
An insightful friend told me, "You are Rachel's buffer against the world. Get out of her way."
"Remember how you always thought this would happen to you?", living permanently in Mexico, which she adores. "Don't you think it is possible thet your soul chose this?"
I cannot help but entertain this notion as I recall the pre-accident Rachel in all her young adult wisdom, "the perfect child", who, in the point of view of her soul, had it too easy. And me too, in my melancholy boredom.
Rachel said, "We showed those doctors", who's gloomy predictions were thet Rachel would never get better, and would in fact regress to a vegetable state.
Today Rachel lives in Mexico, financially supported by her mom, but otherwise totally on her own.
Karen is a very annoying writer. She repeatedly interjects French phrases rather than speaking plain English, and uses lines such as "not unlike" rather than "like". Many times while reading this annoying book I put it down and said aloud, in frustration, Why did she word it like that? Why doesn't she just talk normal! She is also an Associative Thinker who rambles on, off the subject, interjecting mountains of irrelevant side-points. Here is an example; "The Feldenkreis therapist, Rich, a mild-mannered, balding man whose office was in his tiny apartment, explained thet Feldenkreis, unlike traditional physical therapy, involved the bones rather than the muscles."
Do I need to know his name is Rich? Do I need to know he is mild-mannered and balding? Do I need to know his office is in his apartment? Do I need to know the god-damn size of his apartment? You are so annoying! Why didn't she just say, "Feldenkreis Therapy adjusts the bones rather than the muscles." Period. Get to the point!
Still a very interesting (true) story thet made me laugh and cry.
Rachel is not at all Autistic, though she does have some brain-injury-induced problems similar to Mark Hogancamp's. She is a vivacious, overly-friendly, social-butterfly who delights in being such, and is repeatedly referred to as "delightful" by most people who meet her (one day she disappears in her electric wheel-chair. Mom asks a random stranger if they have seen a blonde girl in a wheelchair, and they say, "Of Course. Everyone knows Rachel!"). But her startling Pragmatic Language Disorder and horrid short-term memory are very Asperger-like.
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Beyond The Silence
My life, the world, and Autism
by Tito Mukhopadhyay
This amazing book was written by an equally amazing kid - a severely Autistic non-verbal boy who was dismissed by the "experts" as a hopeless Retard. While utterly incapable of interacting with people in any way, he wrote the first half of this book at the age of 8, in his second language, English (he lives in India). At 8 he was practically a literary genius, but no one knew.
The travel in the world of thought has increased. The imagination took shape, and form to a virtual existence of his self in that world.
My readers should not be guided by the idea that the boy had no awareness of the things that happened around him. He still appreciated a soothing voice, and the advertisements on the television fascinated him.
He loved the white clouds in the blue sky, the wind that blew away the paper bits from his hands, the soft light at dusk - and many more.
I do not want my readers to yawn at my list, which could be longer than the one I have given.
The main difficulty was that the boy was losing control over his body. A sense of denying its existence was so strong that he could not respond to a situation the way it should have been done.
The boy cried less and showed more tolerance of the pains he got. His mother once mentioned to his father that she wondered why the boy did not make a fuss when he got hurt, like the other children did. The boy wondered too. "But how should I make a fuss? I am the spirit, and above the reach of all pains - a free being", thought he.
I want to mention that once when the boy got hurt in the elbow, his mother had soothed his head, as the boy was not able to point to the place where the pain was.
Throughout this book he refers to himself in second-person as "the boy", demonstrating how his detachment from his own senses made him feel like he was 2 different beings, as mentioned above: the spirit, and the body.
He reasoned out that he might give it a try to be a body instead of a spirit - but that was not easy work.
He felt that his body was scattered and it was difficult to collect it together. He saw himself as a hand or a leg and would turn around to assemble his parts as a whole.
He spun around and around to be faster than the fan. He felt so that way!
He got that idea of spinning from the fan, as he saw that its blades that were otherwise separate, joined together to a complete circle when they turned in speed.
The boy went into an ecstasy as he rotated himself faster and faster. If anybody tried to stop him he felt scattered again.
A new environment became very difficult to cope with, as he felt that he was not able to find his body. Only if he ran fast or flapped his hands was he able to find his presence. The helplessness of a scattered self was to haunt him for years together - even as I write this page.
"What makes you laugh?" asked mother. The boy laughed more, imagining the letters that formed the word "goat" were in dispute, each one making its own phonetic sound - a resulting noise that was different from the way "goat" sounded. So the boy made a new game. He had learnt already how to read. He thought about different words and made the letters argue and talk. He tried to make the resulting sound. Mother was alert to any noise that the boy made - only distorted sound. The specialist had warned her that Autistics have the tendency to form words that occasionally made no sense at all. The boy was making every possible sound - imagining the letters of words making dialogs. To put that in check, she put him to more tasks, and joined him in making zig-zags, for example, or teaching him. I do not know about other cases who have the similar problem, but I should suggest to all their guardians to discourage the meaningless babblings that they tend to do after the age of 3, as it gets out of control. Being mute is better than distortion.
I do not know what to think about this, as it surprises me he would say such a thing. As a young Asperger I was obsessed with inventing new words thet had emotional definitions to me, but were (not intentionally) gibberish to anyone else. See what I said about Me, Bjork, Gary Numan, and Anna Homler writing melodies in gibberish until it said emotionally what they wanted to say in yet-to-be-written words. I think they (and I) are geniuses because of this.
The boy wondered about the different thoughts that people had, and behaved accordingly. For them who trusted him, he was eager to communicate, but for those who were skeptics he refused to co-operate.
I am perhaps diverting away, dear readers, from my point, but as I go back in time I find the boy at the specialist's office, and also answering the IQ test questions by pointing on the board. He was proud to see the admiration on her face. It was a pleasure to be understood as the boy who was better in intelligence than others of his own age.
But, my dear readers, I repeat the word "but" again. The boy was still an intelligent junk, not functioning in a useful way. They asked him to point at his body parts, but the boy could not do it. Not that he was ignorant of the parts of the human body, but he was unable to point and identify them in his own self. Pointing at objects was difficult too, as he pointed only at the letters on the board and could not generalize it with other things. Then the doctors asked the other way around. They touched his leg and hand and so on. They asked him to point to the board. This he did with ease.
The next day the boy was admitted to the Mental Hospital. He hated the place. It had too much openness. Openness disturbed him as he felt his body being scattered. He could not bear it and started throwing tantrums out of fear. The fear of open spaces disturbed him, and continued to haunt him for years. Still the boy loved the yellow flowers that fell from the big trees making the paths bright.
He was a lover of regulations. Walking on the road was easier than walking in the fields. He hated places that were full of freedom, and got hyperactive.
He started making a continuous clicking sound with his tongue. It made the doctors conclude that "He had Autism of a moderate level. There was no use teaching him, as he is not able to write." Mother was very upset. But she gets the brightest ideas when she is under strain. "Necessity is the mother of invention", she boasts.
She noted down all the points that made him Autistic: Eye-contact problems, unable to point at objects, the boy led somebody by the hand to get some object, he could not use gestures or express his feelings, he was hyperactive, could not imitate, and many more drawbacks that made the boy get the label.
"But he has language also - in fact 3 languages!", argued mother. "He cannot write", reiterated the doctors. The board communication after all was not considered to be valid, and he was not communicating with others when his mother was not holding the board. That was a big and serious problem. For many times he could not get used to someone else holding the board. The problem was that he needed time to get used to the person - his touch, and most importantly his voice. The voice problem was due to the fact words were told differently by different individuals. It needed to be rectified through gradual exposure to people, and being conditioned to reply to voices that questioned.
He needed to move onward. He needed to write. The next thing that his mother did was to paste on pictures from magazines. She insisted that the boy should point on the board of the alphabet first and answer questions, then write the answers by copying the alphabet which he had pointed. The problem was seen. He was unable to copy, and mother was throwing up a tantrum. She was not ready to give up. "Let me hold your shoulder like I used to when you started pointing and communicating", she said, trying to find a way. This time it was easy for the boy to write, as he could feel the presence of the hand, his own hand linked to the body, at the shoulder point where his mother was holding him.
I have concrete proof that to start with any new activity, it is important for the Autistics like the boy to be held at that part of the body which does the work, as the relating ability develops slowly through practice. Then it can be faded out as the person gets the habit of that particular work. The boy could relate his thoughts to words and express them by pointing or writing only when somebody held his shoulder.
The anger due to change in routine, change in paths, change in bus routes, change in position while walking or sitting, turned to temper tantrums, and they took hours to stop. His mother was the usual victim as the people asked her why her son was crying. Although she knew that the boy was crying for the change in her position of walking which the boy wanted. He wanted her to walk by his right, while she was determined to walk by his left to show him that she was more stubborn.
Opposite of Tito's preference, I have always wanted people to walk on my left. I think this is partly due to driving in the USA where we drive on the right side of the road, thus the passenger's seat (to my right) is always vacant so I can have my milk crate full of personal things there. This leaves all the traffic, other people, and other cars to my left. Thus when I am walking with someone I always want them to my left, for it just feels familiar that way. The right side is for my personal things, and it is like they are invading my space by being on my right.
Tito is from India where they drive on the English side of the road, thus he wanted people to always walk on his right, for as a child he would sit on the left side of the car, the driver always to his right.
When I was in school I used to draw pictures of cars a lot; they were always side-views, facing left. Once my school class did an art project wherein we would make designs on wet clay, paint them, and then use the clay as a stamp to transfer the picture to paper. I of course made the original facing left, thus when I transferred it to paper it was facing to the right. This caused me much anxiety.
The problem of Autism was him feeling that his voice was a distant substance that was required to be collected and put somewhere inside his throat. But he was unable to find it. He wept for it. Today the fragmented self of hand and body parts, which I once saw myself as, have unified to a living me, striving for a complete me. Not in the abstract existence of the impossible world of dreams, but a hope for a concrete dream of this book to reach those who would like to understand us through me. If this book is able to light even one little flame, I would be able to see my dream take its shape.
No, I am still not perfect and need the social co-operation for my growth. It pains me when people avoid us, and the schools refuse to take us. I faced it and felt that every day. There may be others like me who are facing the social rejection. I must make the point clear that it is not lack of social understanding which causes the weird behavior, but it is the lack of getting to use oneself in the socially acceptable way which causes the behavior. The expressing ability also varies in the situations which divert from the norm. There was a limitation with me, when I laughed or screamed at the pleasant feelings, flapped or cried when the situations got difficult to cope with. Situations are unique in their own ways, and causes the insecurity in the hearts of Autistics, leading to fear, causing intolerance to a new setting or surrounding.
The second half of the book was added by Tito to the original text when he was 11:
And let past be buried in its own heaviness as I allow my life to go ahead with time, as I know that it is time alone which will help me move ahead with my biological age. And I wonder and still I wonder what has the little boy in the past 2 years achieved after having found himself not as the fragmented body parts, but as a complete self, determined to reach that total completeness which his biological age would allow him to achieve. Still the buried past comes as a ghost of the painful memories to mock the present moment. It is then that somewhere meets nowhere and I lose my much coveted satisfaction, making this satisfaction a momentary affair.
Though this book has a dozen annoying typos, I still read it 3 times, for it was simply that good.
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My life, the world, and Autism
by Tito Mukhopadhyay
This amazing book was written by an equally amazing kid - a severely Autistic non-verbal boy who was dismissed by the "experts" as a hopeless Retard. While utterly incapable of interacting with people in any way, he wrote the first half of this book at the age of 8, in his second language, English (he lives in India). At 8 he was practically a literary genius, but no one knew.
The travel in the world of thought has increased. The imagination took shape, and form to a virtual existence of his self in that world.
My readers should not be guided by the idea that the boy had no awareness of the things that happened around him. He still appreciated a soothing voice, and the advertisements on the television fascinated him.
He loved the white clouds in the blue sky, the wind that blew away the paper bits from his hands, the soft light at dusk - and many more.
I do not want my readers to yawn at my list, which could be longer than the one I have given.
The main difficulty was that the boy was losing control over his body. A sense of denying its existence was so strong that he could not respond to a situation the way it should have been done.
The boy cried less and showed more tolerance of the pains he got. His mother once mentioned to his father that she wondered why the boy did not make a fuss when he got hurt, like the other children did. The boy wondered too. "But how should I make a fuss? I am the spirit, and above the reach of all pains - a free being", thought he.
I want to mention that once when the boy got hurt in the elbow, his mother had soothed his head, as the boy was not able to point to the place where the pain was.
Throughout this book he refers to himself in second-person as "the boy", demonstrating how his detachment from his own senses made him feel like he was 2 different beings, as mentioned above: the spirit, and the body.
He reasoned out that he might give it a try to be a body instead of a spirit - but that was not easy work.
He felt that his body was scattered and it was difficult to collect it together. He saw himself as a hand or a leg and would turn around to assemble his parts as a whole.
He spun around and around to be faster than the fan. He felt so that way!
He got that idea of spinning from the fan, as he saw that its blades that were otherwise separate, joined together to a complete circle when they turned in speed.
The boy went into an ecstasy as he rotated himself faster and faster. If anybody tried to stop him he felt scattered again.
A new environment became very difficult to cope with, as he felt that he was not able to find his body. Only if he ran fast or flapped his hands was he able to find his presence. The helplessness of a scattered self was to haunt him for years together - even as I write this page.
"What makes you laugh?" asked mother. The boy laughed more, imagining the letters that formed the word "goat" were in dispute, each one making its own phonetic sound - a resulting noise that was different from the way "goat" sounded. So the boy made a new game. He had learnt already how to read. He thought about different words and made the letters argue and talk. He tried to make the resulting sound. Mother was alert to any noise that the boy made - only distorted sound. The specialist had warned her that Autistics have the tendency to form words that occasionally made no sense at all. The boy was making every possible sound - imagining the letters of words making dialogs. To put that in check, she put him to more tasks, and joined him in making zig-zags, for example, or teaching him. I do not know about other cases who have the similar problem, but I should suggest to all their guardians to discourage the meaningless babblings that they tend to do after the age of 3, as it gets out of control. Being mute is better than distortion.
I do not know what to think about this, as it surprises me he would say such a thing. As a young Asperger I was obsessed with inventing new words thet had emotional definitions to me, but were (not intentionally) gibberish to anyone else. See what I said about Me, Bjork, Gary Numan, and Anna Homler writing melodies in gibberish until it said emotionally what they wanted to say in yet-to-be-written words. I think they (and I) are geniuses because of this.
The boy wondered about the different thoughts that people had, and behaved accordingly. For them who trusted him, he was eager to communicate, but for those who were skeptics he refused to co-operate.
I am perhaps diverting away, dear readers, from my point, but as I go back in time I find the boy at the specialist's office, and also answering the IQ test questions by pointing on the board. He was proud to see the admiration on her face. It was a pleasure to be understood as the boy who was better in intelligence than others of his own age.
But, my dear readers, I repeat the word "but" again. The boy was still an intelligent junk, not functioning in a useful way. They asked him to point at his body parts, but the boy could not do it. Not that he was ignorant of the parts of the human body, but he was unable to point and identify them in his own self. Pointing at objects was difficult too, as he pointed only at the letters on the board and could not generalize it with other things. Then the doctors asked the other way around. They touched his leg and hand and so on. They asked him to point to the board. This he did with ease.
The next day the boy was admitted to the Mental Hospital. He hated the place. It had too much openness. Openness disturbed him as he felt his body being scattered. He could not bear it and started throwing tantrums out of fear. The fear of open spaces disturbed him, and continued to haunt him for years. Still the boy loved the yellow flowers that fell from the big trees making the paths bright.
He was a lover of regulations. Walking on the road was easier than walking in the fields. He hated places that were full of freedom, and got hyperactive.
He started making a continuous clicking sound with his tongue. It made the doctors conclude that "He had Autism of a moderate level. There was no use teaching him, as he is not able to write." Mother was very upset. But she gets the brightest ideas when she is under strain. "Necessity is the mother of invention", she boasts.
She noted down all the points that made him Autistic: Eye-contact problems, unable to point at objects, the boy led somebody by the hand to get some object, he could not use gestures or express his feelings, he was hyperactive, could not imitate, and many more drawbacks that made the boy get the label.
"But he has language also - in fact 3 languages!", argued mother. "He cannot write", reiterated the doctors. The board communication after all was not considered to be valid, and he was not communicating with others when his mother was not holding the board. That was a big and serious problem. For many times he could not get used to someone else holding the board. The problem was that he needed time to get used to the person - his touch, and most importantly his voice. The voice problem was due to the fact words were told differently by different individuals. It needed to be rectified through gradual exposure to people, and being conditioned to reply to voices that questioned.
He needed to move onward. He needed to write. The next thing that his mother did was to paste on pictures from magazines. She insisted that the boy should point on the board of the alphabet first and answer questions, then write the answers by copying the alphabet which he had pointed. The problem was seen. He was unable to copy, and mother was throwing up a tantrum. She was not ready to give up. "Let me hold your shoulder like I used to when you started pointing and communicating", she said, trying to find a way. This time it was easy for the boy to write, as he could feel the presence of the hand, his own hand linked to the body, at the shoulder point where his mother was holding him.
I have concrete proof that to start with any new activity, it is important for the Autistics like the boy to be held at that part of the body which does the work, as the relating ability develops slowly through practice. Then it can be faded out as the person gets the habit of that particular work. The boy could relate his thoughts to words and express them by pointing or writing only when somebody held his shoulder.
The anger due to change in routine, change in paths, change in bus routes, change in position while walking or sitting, turned to temper tantrums, and they took hours to stop. His mother was the usual victim as the people asked her why her son was crying. Although she knew that the boy was crying for the change in her position of walking which the boy wanted. He wanted her to walk by his right, while she was determined to walk by his left to show him that she was more stubborn.
Opposite of Tito's preference, I have always wanted people to walk on my left. I think this is partly due to driving in the USA where we drive on the right side of the road, thus the passenger's seat (to my right) is always vacant so I can have my milk crate full of personal things there. This leaves all the traffic, other people, and other cars to my left. Thus when I am walking with someone I always want them to my left, for it just feels familiar that way. The right side is for my personal things, and it is like they are invading my space by being on my right.
Tito is from India where they drive on the English side of the road, thus he wanted people to always walk on his right, for as a child he would sit on the left side of the car, the driver always to his right.
When I was in school I used to draw pictures of cars a lot; they were always side-views, facing left. Once my school class did an art project wherein we would make designs on wet clay, paint them, and then use the clay as a stamp to transfer the picture to paper. I of course made the original facing left, thus when I transferred it to paper it was facing to the right. This caused me much anxiety.
The problem of Autism was him feeling that his voice was a distant substance that was required to be collected and put somewhere inside his throat. But he was unable to find it. He wept for it. Today the fragmented self of hand and body parts, which I once saw myself as, have unified to a living me, striving for a complete me. Not in the abstract existence of the impossible world of dreams, but a hope for a concrete dream of this book to reach those who would like to understand us through me. If this book is able to light even one little flame, I would be able to see my dream take its shape.
No, I am still not perfect and need the social co-operation for my growth. It pains me when people avoid us, and the schools refuse to take us. I faced it and felt that every day. There may be others like me who are facing the social rejection. I must make the point clear that it is not lack of social understanding which causes the weird behavior, but it is the lack of getting to use oneself in the socially acceptable way which causes the behavior. The expressing ability also varies in the situations which divert from the norm. There was a limitation with me, when I laughed or screamed at the pleasant feelings, flapped or cried when the situations got difficult to cope with. Situations are unique in their own ways, and causes the insecurity in the hearts of Autistics, leading to fear, causing intolerance to a new setting or surrounding.
The second half of the book was added by Tito to the original text when he was 11:
And let past be buried in its own heaviness as I allow my life to go ahead with time, as I know that it is time alone which will help me move ahead with my biological age. And I wonder and still I wonder what has the little boy in the past 2 years achieved after having found himself not as the fragmented body parts, but as a complete self, determined to reach that total completeness which his biological age would allow him to achieve. Still the buried past comes as a ghost of the painful memories to mock the present moment. It is then that somewhere meets nowhere and I lose my much coveted satisfaction, making this satisfaction a momentary affair.
Though this book has a dozen annoying typos, I still read it 3 times, for it was simply that good.
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Biological Treatments for Autism & PDD
by William Shaw PhD
3 other doctors and 2 Autism moms contribute to this exceptional book. I can only read 1 chapter of this book a day because it is so jam-packed with information, I feel overwhelmed (this is a good thing). This is the most amazingly interesting Autism book I have ever read.
The most significant development has been the discovery of abnormalities in the structure and function of the gastrointestinal tract in children with Autism. The hypothesis is that these abnormalities are due to infection caused by the vaccine strain of the Measles virus. In addition, high concentrations of heavy metals found in many children with Autism, and the reduction of Autistic symptoms after their removal, points to multifactorial causes of Autism. Research of genetic diseases which cause Purine metabolism is very exciting because a simple dietary supplement of Uridine can reverse almost all Autism symptoms in this sub-group of people. The effectiveness of Gluten and Casein restriction, anti-microbial therapy, gamma globulin treatments, and use of Secretin have also now been confirmed.
The information in this book may be useful not only for people with Autism, but also for those with other disorders that share the symptoms of Autism, including PDD-NOS, Rett's Syndrome, William's Disease, Neurofibromatosis, Tuberous Sclerosis, Fragile X, Down's Syndrome, Tourette's Syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome, and Attention Deficit Disorder.
I think the over-use of antibiotics and vaccines have harmed substantial minorities of treated individuals.
The University of Guelph in Ontario Canada found a high correlation between the prevalence of ear infections and the incidence of Autism. They found that the earlier a child with Autism had an ear infection, the more likely that child had a more severe form of Autism. Many similar studies also indicated that increased ear infection early in life results in much greater incidents of hyperactivity and Attention Deficit.
My interpretation of this data is that the abnormal development is caused by abnormal by-products of yeast and drug-resistant bacteria being absorbed into the body from the intestines following excessive use of antibiotics; i.e., Autism is mainly an intestinal problem.
In 1949 antibiotic production was about 80 tons a year. By 1954 it was 250 tons a year. By 1990, 20,000 tons. I believe this explosive growth in the use of antibiotics is a major factor in the increased incidence of Autism, Attention Deficit, as well as Fibromyalgia. In the USA one of the main reasons for antibiotic use in children is to treat Otitis Media; i.e., ear infections!
In 1991 a cost analysis estimated that the cost of ear infections was ten billion dollars a year in the USA, thus explaining why the increase of antibiotic production has so massively increased; a lot of people are getting very rich inducing ear infections.
By not treating the infection immediately, your child's immune system is allowed to react and build up a defense against future infections; i.e., antibiotic use weakens the immune system, thus creating dependence on drugs thet cause more infections.
Echinacea (a natural herb thet boosts your immune system) works best if used for 10 days, and then discontinued for two weeks before starting again. A study found that when oral penicillin was administered to test animals, the total population of anaerobic bacteria, including the beneficial bacteria, was reduced by a factor of 1,000. These bacteria are called Lactobacilli. As the good bacteria are killed off, the potentially harmful bacteria increase rapidly. This study reported translocation of the harmful bacteria out of the intestinal tract and into the lymph nodes, and were then strategically placed to cause new infections throughout the body; i.e., penicillin causes infection!
Infant mice were much more susceptible to Candida infections than older mice, and once exposed to Candida at an early age, developed persistent Candidiasis (yeast infections). If these mice were given antibiotics at an early age, the Candida in the intestinal tract increased an average of 130 fold. Exposure of infant mice to the hormone Cortisone increased Candida in the intestines 8 fold. Similar results with antibiotics and Cortisone are found in humans. Largely because of the overuse of antibiotics, the incidence of disseminated Candidiasis has changed from a rare occurrence prior to 1960, to the 5th most common organism encountered in infections acquired at a hospital!
As a result of multiple yeast attaching to the intestinal lining, some of the intestinal cells may die and the lining may appear like Swiss cheese on a microscopic level. Because of these holes, undigested food molecules can now pass through. This is called Leaky Gut Syndrome. Undigested food is recognized as an invader by the immune system, and antibodies are produced, a major consequence of which is food allergies. Many times patients with multiple allergies will be re-tested after anti-yeast therapy and find their allergies have disappeared. When the yeast overgrowth has been eliminated, the intestinal lining heals, the intestine is no longer leaky, and the immune system diminishes it's attacks against offending foods.
Her child developed Autism after a DPT (Diphtheria, Pertussis, Tetanus) immunization. When the antibodies to Tetanus were checked several years after this vaccination, they were very high. Her child was extremely developmentally delayed, and also had a high value of HPHPA in the urine. (HPHPA has a significant neurochemical effect that may produce abnormal behaviors in animals and humans. HPHPA is produced from the amino acid phenylalanine, which is a constituent of almost all proteins, which are broken down into amino acids by the digestive enzymes in the intestinal tract. Phenylalanine is an essential amino acid that cannot be restricted from the diet without causing serious health problems. It is the raw material from which the neurotransmitters Dopamine and Neopinephrine are formed. When bacteria from Clostridium are present in high numbers, HPHPA may be formed from phenylalanine in the intestinal tract. Supplementation with phenylalanine might lead to an over-production of abnormal byproducts such as HPHPA, perhaps leading to the worsening of behavioral symptoms.)
Individuals with Tetanus, like many with Autism, have extreme sensory sensitivity, and often need to be placed in dimly lit rooms and avoid loud noises. In addition, patient with Tetanus (aka Lock-jaw) have difficulty chewing and swallowing, as do children with Autism who also have difficulties eating foods with certain textures. Thus, her idea was that perhaps her child had contracted sub-acute Tetanus, causing many of the sensory and coordination related symptoms of Autism. I thought it possible that he might have a Clostridium Tetani overgrowth of the intestinal tract that might be producing toxins similar to that of Tetanus.
Candida overgrowth is extremely common following the use of all antibiotics. Candida overgrowth would erase many of the gains made by the elimination of Clostridia. Probiotic control of Clostridia has been the most successful therapy to date. Boicidin has been effective in controlling bacteria, yeast, and parasites. 2 drops of Biocidin in fruit juice once a day at dinner has normalized the urinary excretion of Clostridia in children with PDD-NOS and Autism.
I want to emphasize that the die-off reaction with Biocidin may be very severe. The die-off reaction appears to be a release of toxins by the Clostridia as they die that may last for 3 to 7 days. A child getting this particular therapy should be under close medical supervision because the side-effects can include heart palpitations, fever, extreme tiredness (some children may not even move during the first several days of therapy). The severity of this die-off reaction indicates the potency of the toxins produced by these organisms. The die-off reaction may be minimized by the use of Bentonite or powdered charcoal.
I have been impressed by the numerous reports from parents of children with Autism who indicate that their children were given antibiotics at a very young age. I suspect yeast and undesirable bacteria resulting from these antibiotics have been granted immune tolerance; this immune tolerance may be one of the reasons why yeast overgrowth in Autism is so difficult to control and tends to recur even after months of anti-fungal therapy. Such an immune tolerance to yeast in the developing fetus may also occur if the mother has a yeast infection during pregnancy. A woman who had a severe vaginal yeast infection during pregnancy, gave birth to a daughter who had a severe yeast infection of the mouth called Thrush. This child was later diagnosed with Autism. Such cases may explain why some children behave abnormally even as young infants [who had not yet received any antibiotics or vaccines].
The child was developing completely normally when the child began to have ear-infections. The ear-infections continued, and they came one after another. The child developed Thrush that occurs because antibiotics have killed off the normal bacteria that keep the yeast population in check. Prior to the recurrent ear-infections, the child had a vocabulary of about 150 - 200 words. Following the antibiotics and the yeast-infection, the child's development began to slow and then regressed. The child no longer spoke any words, became extremely hyper-active, was no longer social, no longer made eye-contact, and had a very disruptive sleep pattern. I have seen this in many children with Autism. In some cases, the child may have been treated with antibiotics for recurrent Streptococcal throat infections, urinary tract infections, or recurrent Bronchitis.
Tartaric acid is a highly toxic substance. As little as 12 grams (1 gram is approximately the weight of a cigarette) caused human fatality with death occurring 12 hours to 9 days after ingestion. Since this compound especially damages the muscles and kidneys, and may even cause fatal human nephropathy (kidney damage), it was of particular interest to me since the two brothers with Autisms' initial symptoms were extreme muscle weakness and impaired renal function (the ability for the kidneys to produce urine). Gastrointestinal symptoms were marked (violent vomiting and diarrhea, abdominal pain, and thirst) and followed by cardiovascular collapse and acute renal failure.
All the time I spent in Western Oregon (the second moldiest place on Earth) I had chronic intestinal pain, easily threw up, and had voracious thirst (I would drink a gallon of water a day), and would wake up 4 times a night "dying of thirst"). Could it have been the mold thet exhausted my immune system, thus resulting in a yeast overgrowth which produced the Tartaric acid resulting in my chronic fatigue, ubiquitous acid reflux, and extreme thirst? Moving to roasting (thus no mold) Southern Arizona changed my life.
Tartaric acid is also elevated in the urine of adults with Fibromyalgia. Values for Tartaric acid in urine may be extremely elevated in Autistics. A child with Autism had 600 times the median normal value. The child's value returned to normal after a few weeks of anti-fungal treatment. Assuming that the yeast in the intestines of the child were producing Tartaric acid at a constant rate, this child would be exposed to 4.5 grams per day of Tartaric acid, over 1/3 the lethal dose! Proponents of the theory that Gluten sensitivity is the main biochemical abnormality in Autism would have difficulty explaining this case, since rice (which has no Gluten) was the only grain in this Korean child's diet. Gluten and Casein restriction is very important therapy in most cases of Autism [but in this case the problem was caused entirely by yeast].
Arabinose is a type of yeast sugar called Aldose that is not produced by humans. Arabitol is a closely related yeast carbohydrate that is produced by Candida. After 4 months of treatment with anti-fungal drugs Fluconazole and Nystatin, both Arabinose in the urine and Candida in the stool significantly decreased. This child had a severe Candida problem due to complete deficiency of the antibody IgA that normally protects the intestine from Candida infection. This child had only had 2 doses of antibiotics in his life, which was sufficient to set up the yeast overgrowth. After treatment with anti-fungal drugs, the child had a marked reduction in Autistic symptoms. According to the Childhood Autism Rating Scale he went from moderate to severe Autism to normal range.
Arabinose may be found in some other foods in small quantities but the most significant source is apples. Arabinose values may be very elevated after drinking apple juice or ingesting apple-sauce.
In the USA it is common practice to feed kids apple juice. No one has a clue why we serve this traditional drink, but it has already been proven thet apple-juice has the highest level of fructose of any juice. It is the equivalent of serving the child a glass of strait liquid sugar. Then we wonder where childhood Diabetes comes from. Apple juice has always given me extremely severe piercing stomach pains.
Frequent urinary tract infections are associated with more severe cases of Alzheimer's. The use of antibiotics to treat urinary tract infections would of course lead to yeast overgrowth. Urine Arabinose is elevated in some cases of Alzheimer's.
Pentosidine causes protein modification which cause cross-link formations (tangled nerves in the brain). Thus it appears that the neurofibrillary tangles of Alzheimer's may be cause by Pentosidine. Glutathion has been reported to inhibit Pentosidine formation. Supplementation with the vitamins Biotin, B6, and Lipoic acid might also be beneficial. Addition of B6 and vitamin C to proteins helps to prevent Pentosidine formation. The beneficial effects of vitamin B6 in Autism reported in several studies may be mediated by the prevention of Pentosidine formation. Super-Nuthera, which contains high amounts of B6, was used on a child who recovered from Autism before starting anti-fungal therapy!
Fungi is a biological group of organisms that include yeasts, molds, and mushrooms. One of the most common disease-causing species of yeast is Candida albicans. Other species of Candida include Candida tropicalis, Candida glabrata, Candida pseudotropicalis, Candida guilliermondii, and Candida parapsolis. All of these species can cause disease. Candida albicans can exist in 4 forms, the mycelium form can invade tissue. The vitamin Biotin can prevent the transformation of Candida from yeast to the mycelium form. Even ordinary household yeast, which is called Saccharomyces cerevisiae, might cause disease in susceptible individuals. Different strains of the same species are used in both the baking and brewing industries.
Saccharomyces cerevisiae can also exist in the yeast of mycelium form and, like Candida, cause vaginal yeast infections. This type of yeast is also being investigated for its role in the intestinal disorder called Crohn's disease, and it can cause systematic infections. The finding of high concentrations of tartaric acid, a product of Saccharomyces cervevisiae, in the urine of many children with Autism, indicates a strong possibility that it may play a role in Autism.
Symptoms of intestinal yeast may include behavioral changes such as hyperactivity, depression, achy joints and muscles, sleep disturbance, increased allergies, chemical sensitivity, vaginal yeast infections, and even psychosis. Non-prescription anti-fungal products include garlic extract, grapefruit seed extract, oregano, caprylic acid and it's oil form, MCT oil, Tanalbit, goldenseal, aloe vera gel, and lactoferrin. All of these can cause a yeast die-off reaction that is just as severe as those caused by the prescription drugs. I would like to emphasize that Nystatin is a very safe prescription drug, just as safe as any of these natural products.
Since many of the yeast products are acids, release of these acids as yeast die-off, which are absorbed into the body, may cause metabolic acidosis. The most convenient therapy to neutralize the excess acid is AlkaSeltzer Gold. Do not use any other kind of AlkaSeltzer.
The active ingredient in Garlic is Allycin which kills Candida albicans.
Carvacrol, a major phenolic constituent of oregano oil, inhibited Candida as effectively as the oil itself. Parents have indicated to me that oregano was sometimes helpful in their child with Autism when Nystatin was ineffective in killing yeast. This killing of yeast by oregano was confirmed by stool yeast evaluation.
When MCT oil reaches the intestine, it is broken down by lipases to form caprylic acid and glycerol. Since many children with Autism have defective production of pancreatic enzymes (i.e., low lipase levels - lipase being a digestive enzyme) MCT oil is very good for their digestion.
Colloidal Silver is a suspension of silver that kills almost all intestinal micro-organisms including yeast, bacteria, protozoa, viruses, and parasites.
Many Autistic kids have had as many as 50 ear infections.
When I was 36 I broke my finger. The moron doctor at the hospital prescribed a Tetanus shot and antibiotics for a broken bone! Corrupt drug-pusher.
But this just disgusts me thet the medical profession is so completely stupid as to give antibiotics to the same kid 50 times for the same infection. When will they get it through their heads thet the antibiotics are what is causing the infection in the first place? It just horrifies me thet a newborn infant would have Thrush, or the same kid get an ear-infection 50 times. It is all caused by the medical profession it's self.
I had 1 ear infection as a child thet I recall. So I sent my parents an E-mail:
How many ear infections did I have as a child?
I do not recall exactly. I am sure you had one or two, but they all cleared up when we got you back on goat's milk. It was during that time that our family Dr said he would not use Penicillin because of all our allergies; anytime you might need antibiotics, he used erythromyicin (which was not often). Infections were never your problem - always stomach, mucous, colitis by the time you were 3, but that also was greatly reduced with our first goat. We got Cindy goat because I was pregnant with Collin, and we said odds are great that this one will need goat's milk also. She was still milking when we got her, and YOU discovered that you could come in all white and holding your stomach, go to the fridge, and a glass of goat milk would "cure" it. ALWAYS stomach symptoms which goes along with the research showing how only kids who already have digestive problems developed Autism after immunization. Reiterating the point made in this book, thet Autism is as much (maybe even more) an intestinal problem as it is a neurological disorder.
The antibiotics kill everything, crippling the natural immune-system, resulting in this: I suspect that many children with Autism and PDD may be deficient in producing antibodies against yeast. This inability to produce antibodies is called an immune deficiency, which is the technical definition of AIDS; i.e., Antibiotics cause AIDS!
Myeloperoxidase Deficiency: Myeloperoxidase is an enzyme present in the white blood cells that combine hydrogen peroxide and chloride ions to form hypochlorite ion, the same active ingredient in household bleach. The hypochlorite ion kills yeast just like bleach does. If this enzyme is deficient, the white blood cells cannot produce sufficient hypochlorite to kill the yeast, and the effected person cannot fight off yeast infection. Every child with external manifestations of yeast or fungal infections should be tested for possible myeloperoxidase deficiency.
The miracle cure-all MMS turns to Chlorine in your blood. Once I started taking it, my intestinal functions changed drastically, suggesting I still had abnormal intestinal flora even after all these years of fanatically healthy, and even GF/CF, diet. I most vigorously recommend MMS to all people, even if they have no Autism, nor even a yeast infection. It is literally a cure-all.
Selective IgA deficiency: This common immunodeficiency occurs in 1 out of every 600 to 1,000 persons of white European ancestry. A number of patients with IgA deficiency are also sensitive to Gluten. In Gupta's study, 20% of the Autistic children had a deficiency in IgA, and 8% lacked it completely. IgA deficiency is somewhere between 100 and 200 times higher in Autistics compared to the normal Caucasian population. There is currently no cure for this deficiency. But it does further prove genetic susceptibility to Autism (If you are a member of "The Master Race" you will probably become an Alcoholic, Schizophrenic, Autistic. Get it through your head thet race-mixing is necessary for a strong gene pool).
Another cause of recurrent infections associated with yeast overgrowth are chemical compounds called gliotoxins, which are toxic to the immune system. They are compounds thet are produced by yeast and fungi such as Aspergillus. Most strains of Candida have the ability to produce gliotoxins. Gliotoxins selectively fragment the DNA of white blood cells called T-lymphocytes and macrophages so they are ineffective in fighting off recurrent infections. I suspect that exposure to gliotoxins may be a major cause of the frequent immune deficiencies in Autism.
A second toxic effect of gliotoxins is probably due to their action on the sulfhydryl group of proteins, which they inactivate. These sulfhydryl groups are necessary for the functioning of a wide variety of enzymes. Supplements of Glutathion, N-acetyl cysteine, and lipoic acid might be useful to prevent this toxic action of gliotoxins, since they help regenerate free sulfhydryl groups. Glutathion has also long been used to detox Autistics of heavy metals.
A third way gliotoxins may be causing their damage is by generation of compounds called free radicals, which are highly reactive chemicals that can cause many harmful effects to the body, such as damaging DNA. Many of these harmful reactions can be counteracted by compounds called antioxidants, such as vitamin C, vitamin E, lipoic acid, Glutathion, and N-acetyl cysteine. Several physicians who treat large numbers of children with Autism have indicated to me significant improvements of symptoms in some children with Autism after treatment with nutritional supplements. It seems likely that prevention of free radical damage induced by gliotoxins may be one of the reasons these supplements are effective.
Acetaldehyde is one of the most notably toxic yeast byproducts. Vitamin B6 is an aledehyde that must react with amino groups on many different enzymes throughout the body in order for them to function. If these amino groups have been used up by reacting with acetaldehyde, then other biochemical reactions mediated by B6 cannot take place. High doses of B6 may overcome the competition with acetaldehyde caused by the yeast, and may be one of the main reasons this vitamin is so effective for the treatment of Autism.
In addition, acetaldehyde decreases the ability of the protein tubulin to assemble onto microtubules, which may interfere with the transfer of essential biochemicals into the dendrites, the fibers that are used for nerve cell communication, in the brain. And as we know, Autism is often considered a "wiring problem" in the brain.
It has been found that alcoholics, who form greater than usual amounts of aceteldehyde, possess antibodies against acetaldehyde-altered proteins. These antibodies may cross-react against formaldehyde-altered proteins. The toxins from Diphtheria and Tetanus bacteria are treated with formaldehyde to prepare the DPT vaccine! Thus if a child possesses antibodies against acetaldehyde-modified proteins, due to yeast overgrowth, the vaccine may stimulate marked increase in the autoimmune reaction, causing Autism. Duuuh.
By saying "Duuuh", I do not mean you are stupid, for most parents honestly have no clue. They just trust the "medical professionals" (read: corrupt whore/drug-pushers). It is the medical profession who are utterly stupid for being so brain-washed by the pharmaceutical industry thet they delude themselves thet what they tell you is true when they waggle a finger and say, "Doctor knows best", then shrug helplessly when your kid goes into high-pitched wailing, convulsions, and unconsciousness, then wakes up with their physical senses fried, resulting in them now being a screaming, flapping, Autistic.
This writer receives my utmost admiration for this: When medical plans and HMOs are reluctant to even provide testing, it may be necessary to begin a letter-writing campaign that includes scientific books (such as this one) and articles (referenced herein). If educating them is not persuasive enough, it is sometimes necessary to send letters from an attorney to show that you are very serious about pursuing testing and treatment. You may even want to consider contacting the news media about your dilemma.
If spoon-feeding the morons does not work, you can resort to beating idiots over the head. If that does not work, crucify them in the press!
Colostrum is the first milk produced after giving birth, from which the baby gets it's immune system. Colostrum from cows has been used to treat a wide range of diseases, including a variety of microbial overgrowths of the gastro-intestinal tract. A major problem with these products is that they contain a appreciable quantity of Casein, and 90% of Autistics are sensitive to it. Kirkman Laboratories has developed a Casein-free colostrum that is very economical. It is important to remember that some Autistics may be allergic to other milk proteins or may be lactose intolerant.
Pentoxifyline is a drug designed specifically to improve blood circulation. It has been shown to alleviate Autistic symptoms. Unfortunately, it is a prescription drug thet was never intended for use to treat Autism, thus getting your doctor to prescribe it may be difficult. Niacin is profoundly good for improving circulation, and is readily available right there on the shelf at the health-food store. Unlike Pentoxifyline, Niacin has no side-effects. I have been a great fan of Niacin for most of my life, for improving blood circulation helps the workings of your entire body. You can also feel it working immediately, for you get the predictable "Niacin flush" where you turn bright red all over and burn hot for 20 minutes. This gives you definite notice of what parts of your body have poor circulation, for they will stay cold and white. After taking Niacin daily for a week or so, you will feel it circulating much better than before; i.e., you will turn red all over. It is especially comforting to my eyes and sinuses - it makes my eyes water and my nose run, which feels really good. I always take it immediately before going to bed because the flush is sometimes too intense to deal with while trying to do anything else (at least if you are an easily over-stimulated Autistic), plus it makes me fall asleep fast - usually before the flush is completely over with.
Sleep problems being common in Autistics, in my case it is my frantic mind racing with Attention Deficit wherein I want to pound my head with my fists and shout, "Shut up! Shut up! I want to go to sleep!" During a Niacin flush I am so focused on my body burning thet my mind goes comparatively blank and thus I go right to sleep.
Dr Shaw recommends 2 books specifically about food allergies: Is This Your Child?, and Solving The Puzzle Of Your Hard-to-raise Child. Both of which document bizarre behavior manifested as symptoms of allergic reactions. This suggests thet many Autistic-like symptoms may simply be allergic reactions.
Shaw also points out thet clearing the body of allergies often results in withdrawal symptoms - suggesting many people are actually addicted to the things they are the most allergic to. This is especially true of food thet feeds yeast, wherein if you stop feeding the yeast it rebels and craves to be fed, thus making you feel desperate for the food it likes. The yeast is what has the addiction, not necessarily the person in which the yeast resides. The point is thet while clearing allergies from your body, the allergens may rebel, giving you hives, welts, emotional freak-outs, extreme stimming, morbid depression, etc. As a child I was allergic to Aspirin. I had a fever and flu, but after ingesting an Aspirin, I was bouncing off the walls, though I still had a fever and flu. I felt awful but could not be still due to the allergic reaction. As a teenager I was addicted to sugar. Once I stopped ingesting sugar my Hypoglycemia was revealed, making my life a living hell. As long as I was feeding the yeast, the Hypoglycemia was masked. I still had it - the Hypoglycemia is what was addicted to the sugar, not necessarily me.
Hypoglycemia is caused by the Tetanus shot.
Also when starting a mega-dose vitamin regimen, your ailments may rebel. In me this manifests often as a herpes outbreak, I get 4 or 5 cold-sores on my lips at once. This is the disease rebelling against the attack from vitamins.
The point of all of this is thet some people get scared and stop the therapies thet could cure them because it seems like the therapies are making them worse. I assure you, you should stick with it and "tough it out", for the rebels are losing, that is why they rebel.
Shaw points out thet wheat and milk are relatively recent additions to the human diet, and thus we have not been ingesting it long enough for our bodies to evolve the ability to digest it properly.
Because the toxic effects of milk and wheat have not had very long to kill off the sensitive individuals in the population, Western Ireland has the highest incidence of Schizophrenia and Celiac disease. Schizophrenia was essentially absent from primitive people of the East Indies until they adopted a Westernized diet.
Like I said above about the "Master Race" of white Europeans - Alcoholic, Schizophrenic, Autistics are the most common in that specific gene-pool. And as we know, the Irish are also famous for having a very high rate of alcoholism.
Breast cancer has been linked to the drinking of cow's milk. Sweden, which has the highest rate of breast cancer, also has the highest rate of milk consumption - whereas Korea, where hardly anyone drinks milk, has the lowest rate. And ear infections, caused by drinking cows milk, are "cured" with antibiotics, which kill off intestinal flora, causing massive yeast overgrowth, which makes Gluten and Casein mutate into toxins thet cause Autism, and also sets ones intestines up to be severely damaged by vaccines, which cause Leaky Gut Syndrome, resulting in food allergies.
If we all went back to a Stone Age diet, the medical profession would become obsolete (not thet it was of any value in the first place).
The day after treatment for gelatin allergy, her child began to converse for the first time. Gelatin made from beef by-products, may be as damaging to Autistics as Gluten and Casein are. You can find out by going on a fast for a day, then ingesting an entire packet of Knox gelatin - see what happens. If you have a negative reaction, you then know you can no longer ingest your supplements in gel-cap form (nor, obviously, eat Jell-O).
More research needs to be done to determine if dietary gelatin is a problem for most children with Autism. It was definitely a problem for the above-mentioned child.
So I tried it myself.
Gelatin is basically cow skin. It tastes like chewing on a freshly-skinned cow-hide, and is gagifying. I managed to choke down enough to tell if it makes a difference in me. It did not. Apparently I can tolerate enough gelatin to at least be able to take gel-cap vitamins.
Gelatin in vaccines might cause an abnormal immune reaction in Autism since numerous reports have implicated gelatin as a major risk-factor in children with severe immediate vaccine reactions.
Casomorphin (the opiate created in the Autistic gut after ingesting Casein) and Gliadorphin (the opiate created in the Autistic gut after ingesting Gluten) have been shown to react with areas of the brain such as the temporal lobes, which are involved in speech and auditory integration. Speech difficulties and audio hyper-sensitivities being common Autism symptoms.
Furthermore, the administration of drugs like Naltrexone that block the effects of opiate drugs, can lessen the symptoms of Autism. Very obviously true in my case, I now consider myself as having a (at least relatively) mild case of AS after 2 years of the GF/CF Diet. Children with Autism frequently improve overall after restrictions of these foods, and slip-ups can be catastrophic. One mother reported thet her Autistic teenage son, who was doing well on the GF/CF Diet, severely damaged her house in a rage-attack after eating a few wheat crackers.
Children with Autism may have a severe problem with calcium deficiency while avoiding Casein. Children with Calcium deficiency are much more likely to poke out their eyes, and a substantial number have done so. Treatment with Calcium supplementation prevents this behavior. It was also found that speech developed very quickly after Calcium supplementation in a portion of mute Autistics who had low urine calcium. Shaw mentions thet these kids who poke their eyes out still have normal amounts of Calcium in their blood. This may suggest thet Autistics have a need for especially high doses of Calcium, possibly due to malabsorption caused by intestinal damage. Of course these Calcium supplements must be oyster-shell or some other type thet has no milk products in it.
A review of food allergy tests indicated that almost every child with Autism or PDD who had been switched to soy-milk as part of their GF-CF Diet had extremely high allergies to soy. Frequently the parent would indicate that the child had not responded well to the GF/CF Diet, or responded favorably for a few weeks and then regressed. This adverse reaction to soy is so common that I would advise against the use of it entirely.
The Pacific Health Institute found disturbing effects of soy; Japanese men who ate tofu at least twice a week had a more rapid decline in mental abilities with age than those who did not eat tofu, and they also had significant brain shrinkage. A group of scientists has recommended that soy not be used in infant formulas because it inhibits mineral absorption, and might cause fertility problems or alter sexual development. It can also cause abnormalities of the thyroid gland, and may be a factor in pancreatic cancer.
Obviously this suggests Soy is poisonous to all humans, not just Autistics who are often (or at least in my case) severely allergic to it in the first place.
At 10 months of age, normal child Ralph developed Strep Throat, and was given antibiotics. The Strep Throat cleared up, but the parents were advised to be sure to finish giving the entire 14-day supply of antibiotics, from which Ralph went into convulsions. He was rushed to the hospital where his blood glucose level was found to be near zero. He was given an infusion of glucose, and he recovered. Urine tests revealed he had none of the genetic diseases that cause Hypoglycemia. He did have a very high level of sugar arabinose, which indicated a severe yeast overgrowth, resulting from his antibiotic treatment. When I mentioned this, I was ignored.
Once home, Ralph's parents noted that he staggered at certain times of the day. Many other indocrine tests revealed no cause for Hypoglycemia. Another specialist suspected Ralph might have a tumor of the pancreas, which would over-secrete insulin, therefor lowering blood sugar. No tumor was found.
An MRI found that there was a severe atrophy of the pancreas. In addition, the tail of the pancreas was missing completely. Additional tests again revealed the same elevation of yeast by-products. Several times I recommended the use of anti-fungal drugs, but my suggestions were again ignored. Instead the parents were instructed to give Ralph multiple doses a day of cornstarch, which is broken down into sugar in the intestine, thus (theoretically) elevating the blood sugar. But the excessive cornstarch was feeding Ralph's untreated yeast over-growth and just made his Hypoglycemia worse. Low blood sugar is also prevalent in Fibromyalgia, a disorder in which yeast over-growth is common. By age 2 1/2, Ralph was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
There is no doubt in my mind that I had witnessed and documented over a span of about 2 years, the transformation of a normal infant into a child with Autism, clearly caused by antibiotics and the appalling ignorance of the medical profession, and once again proving thet Autism is (at least in this case) an intestinal disorder.
Reduced Secretin production may be related to Gluten sensitivity, Candida damage, or viral damage to the intestinal mucosa caused by the live virus vaccines such as the MMR. In Celiac disease, the Gluten damages the intestinal cells that produce Secretin, and presumably a similar mechanism is operating in Autism. Children with Autism are producing a defective type of Secretin that is not capable of stimulating the pancreas. It is also possible that Secretin has some direct beneficial effect on brain functioning. And lastly, the auto-antibodies against the pancreas, inducing Candida, may be preventing the pancreas from responding to the normal amount of Secretin produced by the child's own body.
Human Synthetic Secretin has been widely used in Japan to treat ulcers.
Cholecystokinin (CCK) is another hormone produced by cells of the small intestine. It stimulates the release of pancreatic enzymes, like Secretin does, and also stimulates the release of bile from the gall bladder. A sulfate group is attached to the tyrosine in CCK. If sulfation is defective, as has been reported in Autism, CCK may not be adequately sulfated. CCK without the sulfate loses almost all of its hormone function. The defective sulfation in Autism would likely lead to defective sulfation of CCK, resulting in defective gastrointestinal regulation. Parents using over-the-counter CCK as an oral dietary supplement for their Autistic kids have reported beneficial effects similar to those of Secretin.
Several studies have documented adverse effects of food colors on behavior. Food coloring inhibits digestive enzymes.
American children are required to get shots of 33 agents by the time they start school (at age 6). Plans are underway for "super vaccines" containing 100 or more agents.
Soldiers sent to Iraq were given "gang-vaccines"; i.e. mega-combinations. This is in part what caused Gulf War Syndrome. And now they plan to give that dosage to kids under 6?
The latest data indicates that the nucleic acids of the Measles virus are present in biopsies of the intestinal lesions from Autistic children. Combining Mumps in the MMR greatly increases the probability of adverse reaction to the Measles vaccine.
When children in 3rd World Countries receive Measles vaccine, they die. This is not necessarily entirely due to the vaccine it's self, but due to malnutrition - specifically Vitamin A deficiency. Vitamin A supplementation markedly reduces the severity of the measles infection. The reason middle class White kids get Autism from Measles vaccine, even though as Americans they should be relatively well-nourished, is because their antibiotic-damaged gut cannot absorb vitamins properly, thus, though they are eating a First World Diet, they are not getting enough nutrition. This is commonly known as "mal-absorption".
In Japan the use of the combined MMR has been prohibited since 1993 because of harmful side-effects such as Meningitis.
Once a Government decides to mandate vaccinations, the bureaucrats will justify it. But you should ask yourself: If vaccines are so safe, why did the manufacturers seek from Congress a grant of immunity from liability suits?
The positive benefits of childhood diseases are over-looked. These childhood diseases have a greater effect in the stimulation of cell-mediated immunity than exposures to the corresponding vaccines. The enhanced immunity from naturally contracting these diseases protects the child from serious diseases like asthma, degenerative diseases of the bones and cartilage, and even cancer.
The recent asthma epidemic is caused by increased vaccinations for common childhood diseases; DTP-vaccinated children have a 5 times higher risk of developing asthma than non-vaccinated children.
Hepatitis B!
Every newborn US baby is now greeted on it's entry into the world by a vaccine injection against a sexually-transmitted disease for which the baby is not at risk - because they could not get junkies, prostitutes, and homosexuals to take the vaccine. That is the essence of the Hepatitis B universal vaccination program.
The business model of having the Government mandate that everyone must buy your product is a monopolist's delight. Another concern about many vaccines, including Hepatitis B, is that they are preserved with Thimerosal, which contains 50% Mercury. Mercury poisoning has the same symptoms as Autism. Hepatitis B, Whooping cough, Diphtheria, Tetanus, and Bacterial Meningitis vaccines all have Thimerosal in them. And your doctor is recommending a Tetanus booster every year! The Tetanus shot actually causes a mild case of Lock Jaw, explaining why Autistic kids often take forever to learn how to talk, and routinely choke and gag on certain textures of food. To this day, Chryssie mumbles often, accidentally bites his lip, tongue, and inside of cheek, and chokes on food and gags on pills.
Recently, the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons urged a moratorium on Hepatitis B vaccinations because of studies linking it to (get this) 25,000 adverse reactions (!), including Multiple Sclerosis and Autism.
Diabetes rates rose significantly in New Zealand following a massive Hepatitis B vaccine campaign in young children, and Diabetes rates also went up sharply in Finland after 3 new childhood vaccines were introduced. Data from France links immunization against Hepatitis B to systemic Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
The Acellular Pertussis vaccine is grown on Casein and Yeast supplements, and preserved with Thimerosal. The bacterial mixture is then washed with Formaldehyde. Then this toxoid is bottled with other agents such as Tetanus and Diphtheria. This agent is then administered to infants aged 2 months! Diphtheria toxins severely deplete Vitamin C when injected into any mammal that cannot manufacture it's own Vitamin C, such as humans.
Shaw recommends the book A Shot In The Dark (see my review).
Mercury is toxic to all tissues and organs. Documented toxicity includes significant effects of Mercury on the lungs, heart, gastrointestinal system, blood, muscles, liver, kidneys, skin, thyroid gland, immune system, nerves, and brain. Dental workers exposed to Mercury in tooth-fillings have significantly more reproductive failure, including increased miscarriages, still-births, congenital malformities (Hare Lip and Cleft Pallet are caused by in-utero mercury poisoning) and menstrual disorders. Workers exposed to even "safe" levels of Mercury were found to have white blood cells with impaired ability to kill Candida (yeast).
Nutritional supplements that may aid in Mercury elimination and/or reduce toxic effects include N-acetylcystein, selenium, lipoic acid, Vitamin E, cilantro, Vitamin C, milk thistle, glycine, and garlic. There is no evidence thet a yeast overgrowth will spontaneously disappear on its own. Furthermore, the yeast overgrowth may be suppressing the immune system, preventing your child from recovering from the infection, resulting in the vicious cycle of antibiotics and frequent infections.
The next chapter was written by Dr Bernard Rimland. Here is a brief introduction of him:
"Bernard Rimland PhD (1928-2006) was an American research psychologist, writer, lecturer, and advocate for Autistic children, ADHD, learning disabilities, and mental retardation.
Dr Rimland was the founder, in 1967, and director of the Autism Research Institute, and founder of the Autism Society of America, in 1965. Rimland was long an internationally recognized authority on Autism Spectrum Disorders, and was the father of an Autistic son. He personally destroyed the Bettelheim's asinine theory, thet was commonly held to be true for decades, thet Autism was caused by 'Refrigerator mothers'."
People vary enormously in their need for B6 (If you have met one Autistic, you have met one Autistic). The children who showed improvements under B6 improved because they needed extra B6. Autism is thus in many cases a "Vitamin B6 Dependency Syndrome". Human bodies do not manufacture their own Vitamin C. Rats' bodies do. I am what is termed a "Vitamin C Needer"; i.e., I cannot get enough. Most people throw-up or get "ream your guts out" diarrhea if they "overdose" on vitamin C, perhaps by taking a mere 200% of the RDA. I can take 10,000% of the RDA and not overdose.
It has also been found thet heroin addicts are usually also Vitamin C-needers. By giving them mega-doses of Vitamin C, they can be more easily cured of their addiction. Thus explaining why some Autistics have deficiencies due to their inability to get enough B6.
The trick to taking B6 specifically is thet it must also be balanced with all the other B Vitamins, and especially Magnesium. If you take only mega B6, you will develop a deficiency in the other missing vitamins. Magnesium deficiency is commonly known as "squirmy-leg" or Restless Leg Syndrome; i.e., mild but uncontrollable muscle spasms. If you have a deficiency in Magnesium while adding mega B6, this can result in your hands and feet going numb. This numbness can be wrongly assumed to be B6 toxicity, but it is not. There is no such thing as B6 toxicity, there is only Magnesium deficiency. Thus you must take mega Magnesium while taking mega B6. I too am what could be called a "Magnesium-needer" because I often get "squirmy leg" if I do not eat correctly. For me this becomes especially evident when I am eating a lot of canned food.
In a 1993 study of Epileptic newborns, it was found that 18 times the dosage of B6 used to treat Autism was superior to anti-seizure drugs. And B6 in amounts as high as 50 grams per day (!) is used as an antidote for certain poisons.
Optimum results are most likely to occur when other nutrients are provided. Nutrients must form compounds in the body to be effective, and their effectiveness is limited when other nutrients are in short supply. Vitamins differ from drugs in this respect. Drugs operate as blocking agents, and can thus function alone. Vitamins act as enabling agents, and thus require the presence of other nutrients. This is why vitamins are so much safer than drugs; vitamins assist the body's metabolism, while drugs interfere with it.
Rimland recommends 300 mg of Magnesium for every 1,000 mg of B6, and says thet humans need about twice as much Calcium as Magnesium. This demonstrates the snowball effect, wherein if you are taking mega B6, you will need to add mega Magnesium. If you are then taking mega Magnesium, you with thus need to add more Calcium. They all need each other in order to work properly. For this reason, vitamins are usually sold in combinations: Cal-Mag, B-Complex, Mega Multis, etc.
The benefits which are most often observed in children with Autism given B6 and the accompanying nutrients are: Increased use of sounds, words, or speech; improved sleeping habits; decrease in hyper-activity and irritability; better attention-span; increased interest in learning.
Dimethylglycine (DMG) is a natural simple compound with no undesirable side-effects. Its existence originally did not pertain to Autism, but instead was used to try to enhance the function of the immune system in laboratory rabbits. It worked. The immune systems of the animals showed 300 to 1,000% increase in response to infection than control groups.
DMG is classified by the FDA as a food, and is thus readily available in health food stores. Although speech is the most notable positive change in Autistic children who are helped by DMG, behavioral improvements are also often reported.
Also note thet this whole book makes the point thet Autism is caused by antibiotics thet were originally prescribed to combat infections the Autistic's immune system was not defeating well in the first place. Thus DMG is practically necessary for Autistics, especially if they have been given immune-system-frying antibiotics.
A 22-year-old mentally Retarded man who had 16 to 18 seizures per week while on standard anti-convulsants, experienced only 3 seizures per week while on DMG.
For 20 years we have been hearing from parents who have tried DMG on their Autistic kids. In many cases remarkably good results have been seen, especially in enhancing speech. In some cases, drug-resistant seizures have been stopped with DMG.
DMG may also improve the effectiveness of B6.
Barley malt is a by-product of beer manufacturing. Yeast is mixed with the barley to split it. Any time yeast is allowed to degrade a food, fermentation happens. The liquid part is made into beer, and the solid part is sweet mash, which is called barley malt, or malt extract, or malt. Many snack-foods (even those from the health-food store), supposedly healthy, have barley malt in them as a sweetener. This natural sweetener is very high in yeast.
One cancer-causing chemical in food is Aflatoxin which comes from fungus called Aspergillus, which contaminates the peanut plant. Chocolate beans are dried with fungus. These are all products of yeast fermentation or fungus contamination. Fungus can produce poisons much more potent than yeast can produce. Each of them caused migraines in my Autistic son.
Dr Rimland mentions (and tears apart) the book The Yeast Connection, which recommends a high meat, low carbohydrate diet, because yeast grows better in carbohydrates than in protein. This seems like a good theory to base a diet on, but does not remove high-protein nuts, which are heavily contaminated with mold, and vinegar which is basically sour wine (fermented as much as beer), and is present in most condiments and salad dressings. This recommendation of increasing meat consumption and eliminating carbohydrates is wrong. I found that I could treat supposedly untreatable conditions such as Autism, psoriasis, eczema, chronic fatigue, multiple sclerosis, chronic vaginal yeast infections, Attention Deficit, and refractory depression with Nystatin treatment for Candida albicans (yeast). I have never had a child with Autism not respond to treatment for yeast.
Rimland goes on to write out 3 pages on his elimination diet, carefully noting what should be removed and in what order - along with which supplements should be added and when. It ends by leaving us an extremely strict diet of: beans, brown rice, tomatoes, potatoes, herbs, butter (which apparently has no Casein), safflower oil, green vegetables, roots (such as parsnips, rutabagas, turnips), fresh fruit in season (especially berries), unprocessed honey - period - because these are the only things thet do not feed yeast or have mold in them.
Due to my extreme allergies (I spent $11,000 discovering, and eventually weening myself off of) I am so in touch with my body and it's reactions to food, thet I have, by just listening to my body, discovered practically the same diet as Rimland prescribes.
Rimland does not explain why fish are off the list (what do fish have to do with yeast or mold?) other than the Mercury poisoning in all sea-food these days.
Rimland goes on to nearly beat into the ground how fanatical he is about Nystatin: Nystatin is a totally natural substance that pharmaceutical companies have harnessed and made into a prescription medication. Nystatin has been available for over 35 years. According to all the literature on it, including the Physician's Desk Reference, Nystatin has no known toxic side-effects. Apart from the possible nausea during the first few days of treatment (caused by yeast die-off, not the Nystatin it's self) there are no side-effects to Nystatin. It can be taken indefinitely because it is not absorbed into the bloodstream. Nystatin acts only on the intestinal tract. Children with Autism must be treated for a long time to allow their brains to recover and develop as much as possible (e.g., I have been on the GF/CF Diet for 2 whole years, and I am just now getting to the point where I feel it has done all the good it can do). The only drug that can be used for a long period of time is Nystatin. My son has been on Nystatin for 6 years with no ill effects.
I am a child psychiatrist, and have prescribed many medications for children with Autism, including Clonidine, Ritalin, and others. Not one of the children on any of those medications has done as well as any of the children on the anti-yeast diet and Nystatin.
One herb I have found helpful is Ginko Bilboa. This herb opens up blood vessels. The Autistic brain may be shutting down the blood flow to protect itself from toxic yeast chemicals. Ginko Bilboa may help reverse the lack of flow.
The next chapter is written by Dr Lisa Lewis PhD. She has her own Autistic child.
Professionals were of little help. At Sam's 3-year checkup, I asked the doctor point-blank: "Could he be Autistic?" At least he was honest - shaking his head slowly, he replied, "I just do not know."
As Sam's tantrums intensified I started reading about allergies, and found that children with food allergies generally craved most those foods they should not have. I still suspected that something he ate was affecting him, and his pattern of recurrent ear and upper respiratory infections, which eventually led to asthma, seemed to indicate an immune system gone awry.
Sam was very allergic to pollens and molds, but I found no evidence of food allergies. But when I was shown video tapes of children who were given concentrations of foods to which they were allergic, these nice children suddenly became wild animals; screaming, attempting to hit and scratch, throwing tantrums, and worse. Milk was said to be one of the main allergens that produced this response. Wheat was also named as a common cause.
In addition to his love of dairy, Sam loved anything starchy and mostly made of wheat. We had been calling him "Carbo-man". Though he tested negative for wheat allergy, I could not help noticing the resemblance between those video tapes and his behavior.
After removing wheat and milk from Sam's diet, he was practically cured of his monster behavior; even though he was not allergic to wheat or milk directly, he was sensitive to the Gluten and Casein in them.
Gluten and Casein have similar molecular structure. Proteins consist of long chains of amino acids. Normally intestinal enzymes digest them, breaking the bonds that connect to the proteins' amino acids. Genetic mutations, caused by changes in the DNA, can mean that specific enzymes cannot do their work.
Enzymes are also proteins; they are long chains of amino acids that fold into specific three-dimensional shapes. Each enzyme has an active site into which the protein it is designed to digest can fit. An alteration in the gene that codes for a particular enzyme can mean that it folds in a new way, and the protein to be modified no longer fits into the active site. Mutations change the chemistry of the body by preventing or altering the way certain enzymes and chemical reactions work. This is how Gluten and Casein turn normal kids into Autistics. The results are akin to poisoning. Often these children seem nearly addicted to specific types of food, often consuming large quantities of dairy and wheat. Stoned little zombies addicted to macaroni and cheese.
We recommend a diet free of Gluten and Casein for Autistic patients. The effects of this diet tend to be cumulative and must be tried for a year. In my case, I had to be on it strictly for 2 years before I got to a point wherein I felt I had all the toxins out of my system, thus no further improvement was comming. It is very slow in comming, but very worth it. I will never eat Gluten or Casein again.
Autism could be the consequence of the action of peptides of exogenous origin effecting neurotransmissions within the central Nervous System. These peptides result in effects which are basically optoid in nature. The Central Nervous System neuro-regulatory role, which is normally performed by the natural optoid peptides, would be intensified to such extent that normal processes within the Central Nervous System would be severely disturbed. The presence of this intense optoid activity would result in a large number of the systems of the Central Nervous System being disrupted; perception, cognition, emotions, mood and behavior, would all be affected. Many diverse symptoms by which Autism is defined would result.
These peptides are derived from an incomplete breakdown of certain foods, in particular Gluten and Casein. And if the gut is leaky then the proportion of improperly broken down peptides that cross the protective barrier will be far larger, with potentially devastating consequences.
Sam is now 9, and was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at 3 1/2. He was significantly delayed in motor planning, had a poor sense of where he was in space, had tactile defensiveness - refusing to touch certain textures such as shaving cream, paint, or sand. But it seemed clear to me that his sensory integration problems were likely a symptom of something else, rather than the cause.
In the below-reviewed book Sound of a Miracle, Georgie's Sensory Processing Disorder caused her Autism. In Sam's case, his Autism caused the Sensory Processing Disorder.
Celiac Disease is a chronic ailment in which malabsorption of nutrients is caused by a characteristic lesions of the small intestine mucosa. The lesion is produced by protein constituents of some cereal grains. In people who have Celiac Disease but continue to eat Gluten, the intestinal wall is excessively porous; not only are nutrients improperly absorbed, but large molecules which should be contained by the gut wall are not. This is called Leaky Gut Syndrome.
Gluten exists as a hidden ingredient in many foods, medicines, and even in the envelope glue we lick. Postage stamp glue and envelope glue are things I am intensely allergic to, though not as a Gluten reaction, it is something else in the glue thet makes my tongue burn and sinuses hurt to wincing extent. The point is thet though you take Gluten out of your diet, by eliminating wheat rye barley and peanuts, you may still have horrible Gluten toxicity, due to it being hidden in other things you ingest; such as malt, carmel color, mono and di glycerides, and even postage stamp glue.
Celiac.com applies the following notes to their discussion of caramel coloring:
If this ingredient is made in North America it is likely to be Gluten-free. The problem with caramel color is it may or may not contain Gluten depending on how it is manufactured.
In the USA caramel color must conform with the FDA standard of identity from 21CFR CH.1. This statute says:
"The color additive caramel is the dark-brown liquid or solid material resulting from the carefully controlled heat treatment of the following food-grade carbohydrates: Dextrose (corn sugar), invert sugar, lactose (milk sugar), malt syrup (usually from barley malt), molasses (from sugar-cane), starch hydrolysates and fractions thereof (can include wheat), sucrose (cane or beet)." Also, acids, alkalis, and salts are listed as additives which may be employed to assist the caramelization process.
You would probably never guess thet a can of Coke or Pepsi (dyed brown with carmel color) may have wheat and milk in it.
Instead of having an endless list of things you cannot eat, it is easier to just have a short list of things you can eat; namely: rice, beans, root veg, green veg, period.
Lisa recommends the book Super Immunity For Kids. I am adding it to my ever-growing list of books to be reviewed.
She recommends 9 Gluten-free cookbooks, and has several listings for Celiac Disease (extreme leaky gut).
The DAN! (Defeat Autism Now!) Protocol is a somewhat daunting document, but it is very well worth the effort to buy the protocol and go through it with your child's doctor.
The next chapter is written by an Autism mom, Pamela Scott.
At 8 months old, Alan was prematurely given his 4th DPT shot by the clinic nurse. I did not realize at the time that this shot should not have been given. I vividly recall the nurse taking Alan's immunization card and whiting-out the information that she had logged about this vaccination. Not only did Alan receive this DPT shot 3 weeks prematurely, he also received an extra DPT vaccination 8 weeks later because the nurse, covering up her mistake, had falsified his immunization card!
That night we found Alan with arched back, shaking, and running a pretty good fever. We took him to the clinic the first thing the next morning. During the visit they made it extremely clear that Alan's reaction was due to the fact we did not give him fever reducing medication. If we had understood the vaccine information, we would have known to administer the medication. They never reported Alan's reaction to the proper agencies. This [snowball of] error and cover-up went undetected by us for 3 years. The clinic made us feel responsible for Alan's fever and convulsions when they were negligent. This is how Alan became Autistic.
Pamela's second child, Taylor; Within a few weeks of adding whole milk to his diet we needed a round of antibiotics to clear up an upper respiratory tract infection. This would be the first he received in a long line of prescriptions. Though the physician was aware that I was giving Taylor milk, the correlation between the increase in milk and subsequent infections was never made. Taylor looked and felt terrible most of the time. He was sick so often that the physician began writing prescriptions to be refilled without an office visit. This constant massive overdose of antibiotic fried his intestines and caused Autism.
She gave him mega B6, which immediately helped, followed by an anti-Candida diet. It made such a difference thet she started the same regime with Alan.
Not only were physicians not helpful, but also we were told that food or chemicals could not cause the type of reactions we were describing. We were bold enough to bring copies of our programs for Alan and Taylor for their approval. What a mistake! We were told not to waste our time, that these alternative therapies were a hoax. These same physicians were unable to offer their own treatment plan (other than a pharmaceutical "fix" to help them sleep!); i.e., drug the little monsters unconscious, and presto! They are cured! We decided to forge ahead with our own plans to implement the necessary dietary and supplemental changes:
- MCT Oil is broken down in the intestine to form the anti-fungal agent caprylic acid.
- Natrol EPO (evening primrose oil) contains essential fatty acids (EFAs) which aid transmission of nerve impulses and are needed for normal brain function. EFAs are also beneficial in the treatment of candidiasis.
Taylor experienced a bad reaction to yeast die-off, called Hexheimer reaction (Google it). Basically, you get sick from being full of dead yeast. You feel awful for the week it takes for your body to get rid of it. This includes Autistic melt-downs and horrific tantrums, alternating with "dead kid" lethargy, rashes and hives, diarrhea and vomiting, etc. Do not stop! When this happens it proves it is working, and demonstrates just how toxic yeast is. After a week your kid's Autism symptoms will be greatly alleviated.
Today Alan is cured of Autism. He only has Dyslexia and "inability to retain information"; apparently the typically Aspergian bad memory. Taylor has emotional control issues but is otherwise cured. Both are in regular school at grade level. Both are liked by friends they made on their own. Both must stay strictly on their GF/CF Diets or they regress.
The next chapter is written by another Autism mom, Karyn Seroussi.
Even if I did know what I was seeing, even if a scarlet "A" had appeared on Miles' forehead, I still would not have gotten any useful advice from my pediatrician.
She switches doctors several times, all of whom are utterly useless and condescending while pumping this clearly Autistic child full of vaccination after vaccination, followed by antibiotic after antibiotic for his chronic diarrhea and ear infections.
After they nearly kill her kid, she removes him from their "assistance", and starts reading books.
Miles is in a regular school now, with no problems whatsoever. He knows what he can eat, and is very cautious about even touching other people's food.
She ends the chapter by pleading with parents to reject the medical profession, kill the yeast, and get on the Autism Diet.
The following chapter is a presentation by Karyn, which she has also published on the Internet, called Frequently Asked Questions about Dietary Intervention for the Treatment of Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities. It includes recommendations of the books, Raising Your Child Without Milk, and Don't Drink Your Milk.
Unfortunately Gluten seems to take longer to disappear from the system than Casein does. Urine tests show that Casein probably leaves the system in about 3 days, but it can take up to 8 months for all peptide levels to drop.
I concur with this analysis. It took 2 years for me to get to a point wherein I felt the GF/CF Diet had done all the good it could. Then I accidentally ingested some milk, and thus felt sick, retarded, and angry for 3 days, after which I felt fine again; i.e., the Casein toxins were out of my system in 3 days, but it took 2 years to get the Gluten toxins out.
Other parents have noted that their children with Autism seem to be the healthiest member of the family. In this case, it has been hypothesized that the immune system is too aggressive and ends up attacking the nervous system. This may explain the presence of anti-myelin antibodies in some Autistic children.
Karyn of course recommends her own book, Unraveling the Mystery of Autism and Pervasive Developmental Disorder - a Mother's Story of Research and Recovery. It has been added to my colossal list of books I hope to review in future.
This book ends with a grand summary by Dr Shaw:
One child with Autism evaluated in my laboratory had a urine tartic acid concentration that was nearly 400 times the upper limit of normal (approaching a lethal dose) after the use of multiple oral antibiotics. The medical profession causes Autism and is outright killing our kids in their pathetic attempt to mask the symptoms rather than address causes.
An extensive body of research has documented numerous abnormal structures in the brains of children with Autism. I wish to emphasize that finding abnormal anatomical structures proves nothing about the cause of these abnormalities. I suspect that some of these may be due to the toxic effects of the microbial metabolities of the abnormal peptides from wheat and milk, just as the drug Thalidomide caused abnormal development of the limbs of children exposed to the drug in-utero. Thus, saying Autism is a brain disease makes just as much sense as saying that flippers on Thalidomide children are caused by an arm disorder.
Autism may be caused by microbial metabolites and peptides. These enzymes may partially digest the lining of the intestinal tract. This takes place as the yeast cells attach to mucosa lining the intestine. The digestion of the intestinal tract by yeast and viral infections/live virus vaccines causes Leaky Gut Syndrome, and may also limit the ability of intestinal cells to produce hormones such as Secretin that is necessary for the production of sufficient pancreatic digestive enzymes; thus causing mal-absorption.
Undigested wheat products and other food molecules are more likely to be absorbed from the intestinal tract into the body through the leaky gut and elicit an allergic response, food allergies. Some of these allergies may manifest as behavioral disorders.
Cade's work established significant improvements in almost every aspect of Autism in a group of 70 children after only 1 month on the Gluten and Casein free diet.
Also recommended: low sugar diet, anti-fungal therapy, therapy for Clostridia bacterial overgrowth, Gluten and Casein restriction, Vitamin B6 and DMG supplementation, and food allergy desensitization.
Children are our most precious resource, and most readily available guinea-pigs for the pharmaceutical industry to pump it's products into, and leech money out of.
Cows milk causes ear infections. Penicillin causes infection. Antibiotics kill intestinal flora which then allows yeast overgrowth which eats holes in the intestine, causing food allergies, then mutates Gluten, Casein, Soy, Apples, and Gelatin into toxins which cause Autism. Antibiotics cause AIDS.
No Gluten (wheat rye barley and peanuts), no Casein (milk in any form), no Soy, no Phenol (apples pears bananas), no Gelatin. No Tetanus shots. And absolutely never any Vaccinations nor Antibiotics! (Oh yes, and drive a stake through Dr Frankenstein Mengele's heart, and return to a Stone Age diet). Kill all intestinal yeast. Then add Mega B6, Magnesium, and DMG. And never eat anything thet has yeast or mold in it, or can feed yeast.
I also personally recommend MMS, which turns to chlorine in your blood and thus kills the bad bugs but not the good.
This book beats into the ground the fact thet in most cases Autism is a temporary intestinal problem, not a permanent neurological disorder.
I am convinced thet in my case most of my Autism symptoms are caused by my guts not my brain. Though I do recognize thet (like in the case of Georgiana Stehli mentioned below) some of my Autistic behavior (aversion to being touched, extreme sensitivity to noise, preference for being alone, light-induced rage-attacks, etc) is caused by my Sensory Processing Disorders - all of which have been greatly alleviated due to me first addressing the intestinal problems.
This is the best book I have ever read in my life. It took me many months to write this review, for it is so jam-packed with information thet my mind was boggled (I had to take a lot of breaks to allow my brain to absorb the overload of information). What I have quoted above barely does it justice. Very highly recommended.
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by William Shaw PhD
3 other doctors and 2 Autism moms contribute to this exceptional book. I can only read 1 chapter of this book a day because it is so jam-packed with information, I feel overwhelmed (this is a good thing). This is the most amazingly interesting Autism book I have ever read.
The most significant development has been the discovery of abnormalities in the structure and function of the gastrointestinal tract in children with Autism. The hypothesis is that these abnormalities are due to infection caused by the vaccine strain of the Measles virus. In addition, high concentrations of heavy metals found in many children with Autism, and the reduction of Autistic symptoms after their removal, points to multifactorial causes of Autism. Research of genetic diseases which cause Purine metabolism is very exciting because a simple dietary supplement of Uridine can reverse almost all Autism symptoms in this sub-group of people. The effectiveness of Gluten and Casein restriction, anti-microbial therapy, gamma globulin treatments, and use of Secretin have also now been confirmed.
The information in this book may be useful not only for people with Autism, but also for those with other disorders that share the symptoms of Autism, including PDD-NOS, Rett's Syndrome, William's Disease, Neurofibromatosis, Tuberous Sclerosis, Fragile X, Down's Syndrome, Tourette's Syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome, and Attention Deficit Disorder.
I think the over-use of antibiotics and vaccines have harmed substantial minorities of treated individuals.
The University of Guelph in Ontario Canada found a high correlation between the prevalence of ear infections and the incidence of Autism. They found that the earlier a child with Autism had an ear infection, the more likely that child had a more severe form of Autism. Many similar studies also indicated that increased ear infection early in life results in much greater incidents of hyperactivity and Attention Deficit.
My interpretation of this data is that the abnormal development is caused by abnormal by-products of yeast and drug-resistant bacteria being absorbed into the body from the intestines following excessive use of antibiotics; i.e., Autism is mainly an intestinal problem.
In 1949 antibiotic production was about 80 tons a year. By 1954 it was 250 tons a year. By 1990, 20,000 tons. I believe this explosive growth in the use of antibiotics is a major factor in the increased incidence of Autism, Attention Deficit, as well as Fibromyalgia. In the USA one of the main reasons for antibiotic use in children is to treat Otitis Media; i.e., ear infections!
In 1991 a cost analysis estimated that the cost of ear infections was ten billion dollars a year in the USA, thus explaining why the increase of antibiotic production has so massively increased; a lot of people are getting very rich inducing ear infections.
By not treating the infection immediately, your child's immune system is allowed to react and build up a defense against future infections; i.e., antibiotic use weakens the immune system, thus creating dependence on drugs thet cause more infections.
Echinacea (a natural herb thet boosts your immune system) works best if used for 10 days, and then discontinued for two weeks before starting again. A study found that when oral penicillin was administered to test animals, the total population of anaerobic bacteria, including the beneficial bacteria, was reduced by a factor of 1,000. These bacteria are called Lactobacilli. As the good bacteria are killed off, the potentially harmful bacteria increase rapidly. This study reported translocation of the harmful bacteria out of the intestinal tract and into the lymph nodes, and were then strategically placed to cause new infections throughout the body; i.e., penicillin causes infection!
Infant mice were much more susceptible to Candida infections than older mice, and once exposed to Candida at an early age, developed persistent Candidiasis (yeast infections). If these mice were given antibiotics at an early age, the Candida in the intestinal tract increased an average of 130 fold. Exposure of infant mice to the hormone Cortisone increased Candida in the intestines 8 fold. Similar results with antibiotics and Cortisone are found in humans. Largely because of the overuse of antibiotics, the incidence of disseminated Candidiasis has changed from a rare occurrence prior to 1960, to the 5th most common organism encountered in infections acquired at a hospital!
As a result of multiple yeast attaching to the intestinal lining, some of the intestinal cells may die and the lining may appear like Swiss cheese on a microscopic level. Because of these holes, undigested food molecules can now pass through. This is called Leaky Gut Syndrome. Undigested food is recognized as an invader by the immune system, and antibodies are produced, a major consequence of which is food allergies. Many times patients with multiple allergies will be re-tested after anti-yeast therapy and find their allergies have disappeared. When the yeast overgrowth has been eliminated, the intestinal lining heals, the intestine is no longer leaky, and the immune system diminishes it's attacks against offending foods.
Her child developed Autism after a DPT (Diphtheria, Pertussis, Tetanus) immunization. When the antibodies to Tetanus were checked several years after this vaccination, they were very high. Her child was extremely developmentally delayed, and also had a high value of HPHPA in the urine. (HPHPA has a significant neurochemical effect that may produce abnormal behaviors in animals and humans. HPHPA is produced from the amino acid phenylalanine, which is a constituent of almost all proteins, which are broken down into amino acids by the digestive enzymes in the intestinal tract. Phenylalanine is an essential amino acid that cannot be restricted from the diet without causing serious health problems. It is the raw material from which the neurotransmitters Dopamine and Neopinephrine are formed. When bacteria from Clostridium are present in high numbers, HPHPA may be formed from phenylalanine in the intestinal tract. Supplementation with phenylalanine might lead to an over-production of abnormal byproducts such as HPHPA, perhaps leading to the worsening of behavioral symptoms.)
Individuals with Tetanus, like many with Autism, have extreme sensory sensitivity, and often need to be placed in dimly lit rooms and avoid loud noises. In addition, patient with Tetanus (aka Lock-jaw) have difficulty chewing and swallowing, as do children with Autism who also have difficulties eating foods with certain textures. Thus, her idea was that perhaps her child had contracted sub-acute Tetanus, causing many of the sensory and coordination related symptoms of Autism. I thought it possible that he might have a Clostridium Tetani overgrowth of the intestinal tract that might be producing toxins similar to that of Tetanus.
Candida overgrowth is extremely common following the use of all antibiotics. Candida overgrowth would erase many of the gains made by the elimination of Clostridia. Probiotic control of Clostridia has been the most successful therapy to date. Boicidin has been effective in controlling bacteria, yeast, and parasites. 2 drops of Biocidin in fruit juice once a day at dinner has normalized the urinary excretion of Clostridia in children with PDD-NOS and Autism.
I want to emphasize that the die-off reaction with Biocidin may be very severe. The die-off reaction appears to be a release of toxins by the Clostridia as they die that may last for 3 to 7 days. A child getting this particular therapy should be under close medical supervision because the side-effects can include heart palpitations, fever, extreme tiredness (some children may not even move during the first several days of therapy). The severity of this die-off reaction indicates the potency of the toxins produced by these organisms. The die-off reaction may be minimized by the use of Bentonite or powdered charcoal.
I have been impressed by the numerous reports from parents of children with Autism who indicate that their children were given antibiotics at a very young age. I suspect yeast and undesirable bacteria resulting from these antibiotics have been granted immune tolerance; this immune tolerance may be one of the reasons why yeast overgrowth in Autism is so difficult to control and tends to recur even after months of anti-fungal therapy. Such an immune tolerance to yeast in the developing fetus may also occur if the mother has a yeast infection during pregnancy. A woman who had a severe vaginal yeast infection during pregnancy, gave birth to a daughter who had a severe yeast infection of the mouth called Thrush. This child was later diagnosed with Autism. Such cases may explain why some children behave abnormally even as young infants [who had not yet received any antibiotics or vaccines].
The child was developing completely normally when the child began to have ear-infections. The ear-infections continued, and they came one after another. The child developed Thrush that occurs because antibiotics have killed off the normal bacteria that keep the yeast population in check. Prior to the recurrent ear-infections, the child had a vocabulary of about 150 - 200 words. Following the antibiotics and the yeast-infection, the child's development began to slow and then regressed. The child no longer spoke any words, became extremely hyper-active, was no longer social, no longer made eye-contact, and had a very disruptive sleep pattern. I have seen this in many children with Autism. In some cases, the child may have been treated with antibiotics for recurrent Streptococcal throat infections, urinary tract infections, or recurrent Bronchitis.
Tartaric acid is a highly toxic substance. As little as 12 grams (1 gram is approximately the weight of a cigarette) caused human fatality with death occurring 12 hours to 9 days after ingestion. Since this compound especially damages the muscles and kidneys, and may even cause fatal human nephropathy (kidney damage), it was of particular interest to me since the two brothers with Autisms' initial symptoms were extreme muscle weakness and impaired renal function (the ability for the kidneys to produce urine). Gastrointestinal symptoms were marked (violent vomiting and diarrhea, abdominal pain, and thirst) and followed by cardiovascular collapse and acute renal failure.
All the time I spent in Western Oregon (the second moldiest place on Earth) I had chronic intestinal pain, easily threw up, and had voracious thirst (I would drink a gallon of water a day), and would wake up 4 times a night "dying of thirst"). Could it have been the mold thet exhausted my immune system, thus resulting in a yeast overgrowth which produced the Tartaric acid resulting in my chronic fatigue, ubiquitous acid reflux, and extreme thirst? Moving to roasting (thus no mold) Southern Arizona changed my life.
Tartaric acid is also elevated in the urine of adults with Fibromyalgia. Values for Tartaric acid in urine may be extremely elevated in Autistics. A child with Autism had 600 times the median normal value. The child's value returned to normal after a few weeks of anti-fungal treatment. Assuming that the yeast in the intestines of the child were producing Tartaric acid at a constant rate, this child would be exposed to 4.5 grams per day of Tartaric acid, over 1/3 the lethal dose! Proponents of the theory that Gluten sensitivity is the main biochemical abnormality in Autism would have difficulty explaining this case, since rice (which has no Gluten) was the only grain in this Korean child's diet. Gluten and Casein restriction is very important therapy in most cases of Autism [but in this case the problem was caused entirely by yeast].
Arabinose is a type of yeast sugar called Aldose that is not produced by humans. Arabitol is a closely related yeast carbohydrate that is produced by Candida. After 4 months of treatment with anti-fungal drugs Fluconazole and Nystatin, both Arabinose in the urine and Candida in the stool significantly decreased. This child had a severe Candida problem due to complete deficiency of the antibody IgA that normally protects the intestine from Candida infection. This child had only had 2 doses of antibiotics in his life, which was sufficient to set up the yeast overgrowth. After treatment with anti-fungal drugs, the child had a marked reduction in Autistic symptoms. According to the Childhood Autism Rating Scale he went from moderate to severe Autism to normal range.
Arabinose may be found in some other foods in small quantities but the most significant source is apples. Arabinose values may be very elevated after drinking apple juice or ingesting apple-sauce.
In the USA it is common practice to feed kids apple juice. No one has a clue why we serve this traditional drink, but it has already been proven thet apple-juice has the highest level of fructose of any juice. It is the equivalent of serving the child a glass of strait liquid sugar. Then we wonder where childhood Diabetes comes from. Apple juice has always given me extremely severe piercing stomach pains.
Frequent urinary tract infections are associated with more severe cases of Alzheimer's. The use of antibiotics to treat urinary tract infections would of course lead to yeast overgrowth. Urine Arabinose is elevated in some cases of Alzheimer's.
Pentosidine causes protein modification which cause cross-link formations (tangled nerves in the brain). Thus it appears that the neurofibrillary tangles of Alzheimer's may be cause by Pentosidine. Glutathion has been reported to inhibit Pentosidine formation. Supplementation with the vitamins Biotin, B6, and Lipoic acid might also be beneficial. Addition of B6 and vitamin C to proteins helps to prevent Pentosidine formation. The beneficial effects of vitamin B6 in Autism reported in several studies may be mediated by the prevention of Pentosidine formation. Super-Nuthera, which contains high amounts of B6, was used on a child who recovered from Autism before starting anti-fungal therapy!
Fungi is a biological group of organisms that include yeasts, molds, and mushrooms. One of the most common disease-causing species of yeast is Candida albicans. Other species of Candida include Candida tropicalis, Candida glabrata, Candida pseudotropicalis, Candida guilliermondii, and Candida parapsolis. All of these species can cause disease. Candida albicans can exist in 4 forms, the mycelium form can invade tissue. The vitamin Biotin can prevent the transformation of Candida from yeast to the mycelium form. Even ordinary household yeast, which is called Saccharomyces cerevisiae, might cause disease in susceptible individuals. Different strains of the same species are used in both the baking and brewing industries.
Saccharomyces cerevisiae can also exist in the yeast of mycelium form and, like Candida, cause vaginal yeast infections. This type of yeast is also being investigated for its role in the intestinal disorder called Crohn's disease, and it can cause systematic infections. The finding of high concentrations of tartaric acid, a product of Saccharomyces cervevisiae, in the urine of many children with Autism, indicates a strong possibility that it may play a role in Autism.
Symptoms of intestinal yeast may include behavioral changes such as hyperactivity, depression, achy joints and muscles, sleep disturbance, increased allergies, chemical sensitivity, vaginal yeast infections, and even psychosis. Non-prescription anti-fungal products include garlic extract, grapefruit seed extract, oregano, caprylic acid and it's oil form, MCT oil, Tanalbit, goldenseal, aloe vera gel, and lactoferrin. All of these can cause a yeast die-off reaction that is just as severe as those caused by the prescription drugs. I would like to emphasize that Nystatin is a very safe prescription drug, just as safe as any of these natural products.
Since many of the yeast products are acids, release of these acids as yeast die-off, which are absorbed into the body, may cause metabolic acidosis. The most convenient therapy to neutralize the excess acid is AlkaSeltzer Gold. Do not use any other kind of AlkaSeltzer.
The active ingredient in Garlic is Allycin which kills Candida albicans.
Carvacrol, a major phenolic constituent of oregano oil, inhibited Candida as effectively as the oil itself. Parents have indicated to me that oregano was sometimes helpful in their child with Autism when Nystatin was ineffective in killing yeast. This killing of yeast by oregano was confirmed by stool yeast evaluation.
When MCT oil reaches the intestine, it is broken down by lipases to form caprylic acid and glycerol. Since many children with Autism have defective production of pancreatic enzymes (i.e., low lipase levels - lipase being a digestive enzyme) MCT oil is very good for their digestion.
Colloidal Silver is a suspension of silver that kills almost all intestinal micro-organisms including yeast, bacteria, protozoa, viruses, and parasites.
Many Autistic kids have had as many as 50 ear infections.
When I was 36 I broke my finger. The moron doctor at the hospital prescribed a Tetanus shot and antibiotics for a broken bone! Corrupt drug-pusher.
But this just disgusts me thet the medical profession is so completely stupid as to give antibiotics to the same kid 50 times for the same infection. When will they get it through their heads thet the antibiotics are what is causing the infection in the first place? It just horrifies me thet a newborn infant would have Thrush, or the same kid get an ear-infection 50 times. It is all caused by the medical profession it's self.
I had 1 ear infection as a child thet I recall. So I sent my parents an E-mail:
How many ear infections did I have as a child?
I do not recall exactly. I am sure you had one or two, but they all cleared up when we got you back on goat's milk. It was during that time that our family Dr said he would not use Penicillin because of all our allergies; anytime you might need antibiotics, he used erythromyicin (which was not often). Infections were never your problem - always stomach, mucous, colitis by the time you were 3, but that also was greatly reduced with our first goat. We got Cindy goat because I was pregnant with Collin, and we said odds are great that this one will need goat's milk also. She was still milking when we got her, and YOU discovered that you could come in all white and holding your stomach, go to the fridge, and a glass of goat milk would "cure" it. ALWAYS stomach symptoms which goes along with the research showing how only kids who already have digestive problems developed Autism after immunization. Reiterating the point made in this book, thet Autism is as much (maybe even more) an intestinal problem as it is a neurological disorder.
The antibiotics kill everything, crippling the natural immune-system, resulting in this: I suspect that many children with Autism and PDD may be deficient in producing antibodies against yeast. This inability to produce antibodies is called an immune deficiency, which is the technical definition of AIDS; i.e., Antibiotics cause AIDS!
Myeloperoxidase Deficiency: Myeloperoxidase is an enzyme present in the white blood cells that combine hydrogen peroxide and chloride ions to form hypochlorite ion, the same active ingredient in household bleach. The hypochlorite ion kills yeast just like bleach does. If this enzyme is deficient, the white blood cells cannot produce sufficient hypochlorite to kill the yeast, and the effected person cannot fight off yeast infection. Every child with external manifestations of yeast or fungal infections should be tested for possible myeloperoxidase deficiency.
The miracle cure-all MMS turns to Chlorine in your blood. Once I started taking it, my intestinal functions changed drastically, suggesting I still had abnormal intestinal flora even after all these years of fanatically healthy, and even GF/CF, diet. I most vigorously recommend MMS to all people, even if they have no Autism, nor even a yeast infection. It is literally a cure-all.
Selective IgA deficiency: This common immunodeficiency occurs in 1 out of every 600 to 1,000 persons of white European ancestry. A number of patients with IgA deficiency are also sensitive to Gluten. In Gupta's study, 20% of the Autistic children had a deficiency in IgA, and 8% lacked it completely. IgA deficiency is somewhere between 100 and 200 times higher in Autistics compared to the normal Caucasian population. There is currently no cure for this deficiency. But it does further prove genetic susceptibility to Autism (If you are a member of "The Master Race" you will probably become an Alcoholic, Schizophrenic, Autistic. Get it through your head thet race-mixing is necessary for a strong gene pool).
Another cause of recurrent infections associated with yeast overgrowth are chemical compounds called gliotoxins, which are toxic to the immune system. They are compounds thet are produced by yeast and fungi such as Aspergillus. Most strains of Candida have the ability to produce gliotoxins. Gliotoxins selectively fragment the DNA of white blood cells called T-lymphocytes and macrophages so they are ineffective in fighting off recurrent infections. I suspect that exposure to gliotoxins may be a major cause of the frequent immune deficiencies in Autism.
A second toxic effect of gliotoxins is probably due to their action on the sulfhydryl group of proteins, which they inactivate. These sulfhydryl groups are necessary for the functioning of a wide variety of enzymes. Supplements of Glutathion, N-acetyl cysteine, and lipoic acid might be useful to prevent this toxic action of gliotoxins, since they help regenerate free sulfhydryl groups. Glutathion has also long been used to detox Autistics of heavy metals.
A third way gliotoxins may be causing their damage is by generation of compounds called free radicals, which are highly reactive chemicals that can cause many harmful effects to the body, such as damaging DNA. Many of these harmful reactions can be counteracted by compounds called antioxidants, such as vitamin C, vitamin E, lipoic acid, Glutathion, and N-acetyl cysteine. Several physicians who treat large numbers of children with Autism have indicated to me significant improvements of symptoms in some children with Autism after treatment with nutritional supplements. It seems likely that prevention of free radical damage induced by gliotoxins may be one of the reasons these supplements are effective.
Acetaldehyde is one of the most notably toxic yeast byproducts. Vitamin B6 is an aledehyde that must react with amino groups on many different enzymes throughout the body in order for them to function. If these amino groups have been used up by reacting with acetaldehyde, then other biochemical reactions mediated by B6 cannot take place. High doses of B6 may overcome the competition with acetaldehyde caused by the yeast, and may be one of the main reasons this vitamin is so effective for the treatment of Autism.
In addition, acetaldehyde decreases the ability of the protein tubulin to assemble onto microtubules, which may interfere with the transfer of essential biochemicals into the dendrites, the fibers that are used for nerve cell communication, in the brain. And as we know, Autism is often considered a "wiring problem" in the brain.
It has been found that alcoholics, who form greater than usual amounts of aceteldehyde, possess antibodies against acetaldehyde-altered proteins. These antibodies may cross-react against formaldehyde-altered proteins. The toxins from Diphtheria and Tetanus bacteria are treated with formaldehyde to prepare the DPT vaccine! Thus if a child possesses antibodies against acetaldehyde-modified proteins, due to yeast overgrowth, the vaccine may stimulate marked increase in the autoimmune reaction, causing Autism. Duuuh.
By saying "Duuuh", I do not mean you are stupid, for most parents honestly have no clue. They just trust the "medical professionals" (read: corrupt whore/drug-pushers). It is the medical profession who are utterly stupid for being so brain-washed by the pharmaceutical industry thet they delude themselves thet what they tell you is true when they waggle a finger and say, "Doctor knows best", then shrug helplessly when your kid goes into high-pitched wailing, convulsions, and unconsciousness, then wakes up with their physical senses fried, resulting in them now being a screaming, flapping, Autistic.
This writer receives my utmost admiration for this: When medical plans and HMOs are reluctant to even provide testing, it may be necessary to begin a letter-writing campaign that includes scientific books (such as this one) and articles (referenced herein). If educating them is not persuasive enough, it is sometimes necessary to send letters from an attorney to show that you are very serious about pursuing testing and treatment. You may even want to consider contacting the news media about your dilemma.
If spoon-feeding the morons does not work, you can resort to beating idiots over the head. If that does not work, crucify them in the press!
Colostrum is the first milk produced after giving birth, from which the baby gets it's immune system. Colostrum from cows has been used to treat a wide range of diseases, including a variety of microbial overgrowths of the gastro-intestinal tract. A major problem with these products is that they contain a appreciable quantity of Casein, and 90% of Autistics are sensitive to it. Kirkman Laboratories has developed a Casein-free colostrum that is very economical. It is important to remember that some Autistics may be allergic to other milk proteins or may be lactose intolerant.
Pentoxifyline is a drug designed specifically to improve blood circulation. It has been shown to alleviate Autistic symptoms. Unfortunately, it is a prescription drug thet was never intended for use to treat Autism, thus getting your doctor to prescribe it may be difficult. Niacin is profoundly good for improving circulation, and is readily available right there on the shelf at the health-food store. Unlike Pentoxifyline, Niacin has no side-effects. I have been a great fan of Niacin for most of my life, for improving blood circulation helps the workings of your entire body. You can also feel it working immediately, for you get the predictable "Niacin flush" where you turn bright red all over and burn hot for 20 minutes. This gives you definite notice of what parts of your body have poor circulation, for they will stay cold and white. After taking Niacin daily for a week or so, you will feel it circulating much better than before; i.e., you will turn red all over. It is especially comforting to my eyes and sinuses - it makes my eyes water and my nose run, which feels really good. I always take it immediately before going to bed because the flush is sometimes too intense to deal with while trying to do anything else (at least if you are an easily over-stimulated Autistic), plus it makes me fall asleep fast - usually before the flush is completely over with.
Sleep problems being common in Autistics, in my case it is my frantic mind racing with Attention Deficit wherein I want to pound my head with my fists and shout, "Shut up! Shut up! I want to go to sleep!" During a Niacin flush I am so focused on my body burning thet my mind goes comparatively blank and thus I go right to sleep.
Dr Shaw recommends 2 books specifically about food allergies: Is This Your Child?, and Solving The Puzzle Of Your Hard-to-raise Child. Both of which document bizarre behavior manifested as symptoms of allergic reactions. This suggests thet many Autistic-like symptoms may simply be allergic reactions.
Shaw also points out thet clearing the body of allergies often results in withdrawal symptoms - suggesting many people are actually addicted to the things they are the most allergic to. This is especially true of food thet feeds yeast, wherein if you stop feeding the yeast it rebels and craves to be fed, thus making you feel desperate for the food it likes. The yeast is what has the addiction, not necessarily the person in which the yeast resides. The point is thet while clearing allergies from your body, the allergens may rebel, giving you hives, welts, emotional freak-outs, extreme stimming, morbid depression, etc. As a child I was allergic to Aspirin. I had a fever and flu, but after ingesting an Aspirin, I was bouncing off the walls, though I still had a fever and flu. I felt awful but could not be still due to the allergic reaction. As a teenager I was addicted to sugar. Once I stopped ingesting sugar my Hypoglycemia was revealed, making my life a living hell. As long as I was feeding the yeast, the Hypoglycemia was masked. I still had it - the Hypoglycemia is what was addicted to the sugar, not necessarily me.
Hypoglycemia is caused by the Tetanus shot.
Also when starting a mega-dose vitamin regimen, your ailments may rebel. In me this manifests often as a herpes outbreak, I get 4 or 5 cold-sores on my lips at once. This is the disease rebelling against the attack from vitamins.
The point of all of this is thet some people get scared and stop the therapies thet could cure them because it seems like the therapies are making them worse. I assure you, you should stick with it and "tough it out", for the rebels are losing, that is why they rebel.
Shaw points out thet wheat and milk are relatively recent additions to the human diet, and thus we have not been ingesting it long enough for our bodies to evolve the ability to digest it properly.
Because the toxic effects of milk and wheat have not had very long to kill off the sensitive individuals in the population, Western Ireland has the highest incidence of Schizophrenia and Celiac disease. Schizophrenia was essentially absent from primitive people of the East Indies until they adopted a Westernized diet.
Like I said above about the "Master Race" of white Europeans - Alcoholic, Schizophrenic, Autistics are the most common in that specific gene-pool. And as we know, the Irish are also famous for having a very high rate of alcoholism.
Breast cancer has been linked to the drinking of cow's milk. Sweden, which has the highest rate of breast cancer, also has the highest rate of milk consumption - whereas Korea, where hardly anyone drinks milk, has the lowest rate. And ear infections, caused by drinking cows milk, are "cured" with antibiotics, which kill off intestinal flora, causing massive yeast overgrowth, which makes Gluten and Casein mutate into toxins thet cause Autism, and also sets ones intestines up to be severely damaged by vaccines, which cause Leaky Gut Syndrome, resulting in food allergies.
If we all went back to a Stone Age diet, the medical profession would become obsolete (not thet it was of any value in the first place).
The day after treatment for gelatin allergy, her child began to converse for the first time. Gelatin made from beef by-products, may be as damaging to Autistics as Gluten and Casein are. You can find out by going on a fast for a day, then ingesting an entire packet of Knox gelatin - see what happens. If you have a negative reaction, you then know you can no longer ingest your supplements in gel-cap form (nor, obviously, eat Jell-O).
More research needs to be done to determine if dietary gelatin is a problem for most children with Autism. It was definitely a problem for the above-mentioned child.
So I tried it myself.
Gelatin is basically cow skin. It tastes like chewing on a freshly-skinned cow-hide, and is gagifying. I managed to choke down enough to tell if it makes a difference in me. It did not. Apparently I can tolerate enough gelatin to at least be able to take gel-cap vitamins.
Gelatin in vaccines might cause an abnormal immune reaction in Autism since numerous reports have implicated gelatin as a major risk-factor in children with severe immediate vaccine reactions.
Casomorphin (the opiate created in the Autistic gut after ingesting Casein) and Gliadorphin (the opiate created in the Autistic gut after ingesting Gluten) have been shown to react with areas of the brain such as the temporal lobes, which are involved in speech and auditory integration. Speech difficulties and audio hyper-sensitivities being common Autism symptoms.
Furthermore, the administration of drugs like Naltrexone that block the effects of opiate drugs, can lessen the symptoms of Autism. Very obviously true in my case, I now consider myself as having a (at least relatively) mild case of AS after 2 years of the GF/CF Diet. Children with Autism frequently improve overall after restrictions of these foods, and slip-ups can be catastrophic. One mother reported thet her Autistic teenage son, who was doing well on the GF/CF Diet, severely damaged her house in a rage-attack after eating a few wheat crackers.
Children with Autism may have a severe problem with calcium deficiency while avoiding Casein. Children with Calcium deficiency are much more likely to poke out their eyes, and a substantial number have done so. Treatment with Calcium supplementation prevents this behavior. It was also found that speech developed very quickly after Calcium supplementation in a portion of mute Autistics who had low urine calcium. Shaw mentions thet these kids who poke their eyes out still have normal amounts of Calcium in their blood. This may suggest thet Autistics have a need for especially high doses of Calcium, possibly due to malabsorption caused by intestinal damage. Of course these Calcium supplements must be oyster-shell or some other type thet has no milk products in it.
A review of food allergy tests indicated that almost every child with Autism or PDD who had been switched to soy-milk as part of their GF-CF Diet had extremely high allergies to soy. Frequently the parent would indicate that the child had not responded well to the GF/CF Diet, or responded favorably for a few weeks and then regressed. This adverse reaction to soy is so common that I would advise against the use of it entirely.
The Pacific Health Institute found disturbing effects of soy; Japanese men who ate tofu at least twice a week had a more rapid decline in mental abilities with age than those who did not eat tofu, and they also had significant brain shrinkage. A group of scientists has recommended that soy not be used in infant formulas because it inhibits mineral absorption, and might cause fertility problems or alter sexual development. It can also cause abnormalities of the thyroid gland, and may be a factor in pancreatic cancer.
Obviously this suggests Soy is poisonous to all humans, not just Autistics who are often (or at least in my case) severely allergic to it in the first place.
At 10 months of age, normal child Ralph developed Strep Throat, and was given antibiotics. The Strep Throat cleared up, but the parents were advised to be sure to finish giving the entire 14-day supply of antibiotics, from which Ralph went into convulsions. He was rushed to the hospital where his blood glucose level was found to be near zero. He was given an infusion of glucose, and he recovered. Urine tests revealed he had none of the genetic diseases that cause Hypoglycemia. He did have a very high level of sugar arabinose, which indicated a severe yeast overgrowth, resulting from his antibiotic treatment. When I mentioned this, I was ignored.
Once home, Ralph's parents noted that he staggered at certain times of the day. Many other indocrine tests revealed no cause for Hypoglycemia. Another specialist suspected Ralph might have a tumor of the pancreas, which would over-secrete insulin, therefor lowering blood sugar. No tumor was found.
An MRI found that there was a severe atrophy of the pancreas. In addition, the tail of the pancreas was missing completely. Additional tests again revealed the same elevation of yeast by-products. Several times I recommended the use of anti-fungal drugs, but my suggestions were again ignored. Instead the parents were instructed to give Ralph multiple doses a day of cornstarch, which is broken down into sugar in the intestine, thus (theoretically) elevating the blood sugar. But the excessive cornstarch was feeding Ralph's untreated yeast over-growth and just made his Hypoglycemia worse. Low blood sugar is also prevalent in Fibromyalgia, a disorder in which yeast over-growth is common. By age 2 1/2, Ralph was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
There is no doubt in my mind that I had witnessed and documented over a span of about 2 years, the transformation of a normal infant into a child with Autism, clearly caused by antibiotics and the appalling ignorance of the medical profession, and once again proving thet Autism is (at least in this case) an intestinal disorder.
Reduced Secretin production may be related to Gluten sensitivity, Candida damage, or viral damage to the intestinal mucosa caused by the live virus vaccines such as the MMR. In Celiac disease, the Gluten damages the intestinal cells that produce Secretin, and presumably a similar mechanism is operating in Autism. Children with Autism are producing a defective type of Secretin that is not capable of stimulating the pancreas. It is also possible that Secretin has some direct beneficial effect on brain functioning. And lastly, the auto-antibodies against the pancreas, inducing Candida, may be preventing the pancreas from responding to the normal amount of Secretin produced by the child's own body.
Human Synthetic Secretin has been widely used in Japan to treat ulcers.
Cholecystokinin (CCK) is another hormone produced by cells of the small intestine. It stimulates the release of pancreatic enzymes, like Secretin does, and also stimulates the release of bile from the gall bladder. A sulfate group is attached to the tyrosine in CCK. If sulfation is defective, as has been reported in Autism, CCK may not be adequately sulfated. CCK without the sulfate loses almost all of its hormone function. The defective sulfation in Autism would likely lead to defective sulfation of CCK, resulting in defective gastrointestinal regulation. Parents using over-the-counter CCK as an oral dietary supplement for their Autistic kids have reported beneficial effects similar to those of Secretin.
Several studies have documented adverse effects of food colors on behavior. Food coloring inhibits digestive enzymes.
American children are required to get shots of 33 agents by the time they start school (at age 6). Plans are underway for "super vaccines" containing 100 or more agents.
Soldiers sent to Iraq were given "gang-vaccines"; i.e. mega-combinations. This is in part what caused Gulf War Syndrome. And now they plan to give that dosage to kids under 6?
The latest data indicates that the nucleic acids of the Measles virus are present in biopsies of the intestinal lesions from Autistic children. Combining Mumps in the MMR greatly increases the probability of adverse reaction to the Measles vaccine.
When children in 3rd World Countries receive Measles vaccine, they die. This is not necessarily entirely due to the vaccine it's self, but due to malnutrition - specifically Vitamin A deficiency. Vitamin A supplementation markedly reduces the severity of the measles infection. The reason middle class White kids get Autism from Measles vaccine, even though as Americans they should be relatively well-nourished, is because their antibiotic-damaged gut cannot absorb vitamins properly, thus, though they are eating a First World Diet, they are not getting enough nutrition. This is commonly known as "mal-absorption".
In Japan the use of the combined MMR has been prohibited since 1993 because of harmful side-effects such as Meningitis.
Once a Government decides to mandate vaccinations, the bureaucrats will justify it. But you should ask yourself: If vaccines are so safe, why did the manufacturers seek from Congress a grant of immunity from liability suits?
The positive benefits of childhood diseases are over-looked. These childhood diseases have a greater effect in the stimulation of cell-mediated immunity than exposures to the corresponding vaccines. The enhanced immunity from naturally contracting these diseases protects the child from serious diseases like asthma, degenerative diseases of the bones and cartilage, and even cancer.
The recent asthma epidemic is caused by increased vaccinations for common childhood diseases; DTP-vaccinated children have a 5 times higher risk of developing asthma than non-vaccinated children.
Hepatitis B!
Every newborn US baby is now greeted on it's entry into the world by a vaccine injection against a sexually-transmitted disease for which the baby is not at risk - because they could not get junkies, prostitutes, and homosexuals to take the vaccine. That is the essence of the Hepatitis B universal vaccination program.
The business model of having the Government mandate that everyone must buy your product is a monopolist's delight. Another concern about many vaccines, including Hepatitis B, is that they are preserved with Thimerosal, which contains 50% Mercury. Mercury poisoning has the same symptoms as Autism. Hepatitis B, Whooping cough, Diphtheria, Tetanus, and Bacterial Meningitis vaccines all have Thimerosal in them. And your doctor is recommending a Tetanus booster every year! The Tetanus shot actually causes a mild case of Lock Jaw, explaining why Autistic kids often take forever to learn how to talk, and routinely choke and gag on certain textures of food. To this day, Chryssie mumbles often, accidentally bites his lip, tongue, and inside of cheek, and chokes on food and gags on pills.
Recently, the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons urged a moratorium on Hepatitis B vaccinations because of studies linking it to (get this) 25,000 adverse reactions (!), including Multiple Sclerosis and Autism.
Diabetes rates rose significantly in New Zealand following a massive Hepatitis B vaccine campaign in young children, and Diabetes rates also went up sharply in Finland after 3 new childhood vaccines were introduced. Data from France links immunization against Hepatitis B to systemic Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
The Acellular Pertussis vaccine is grown on Casein and Yeast supplements, and preserved with Thimerosal. The bacterial mixture is then washed with Formaldehyde. Then this toxoid is bottled with other agents such as Tetanus and Diphtheria. This agent is then administered to infants aged 2 months! Diphtheria toxins severely deplete Vitamin C when injected into any mammal that cannot manufacture it's own Vitamin C, such as humans.
Shaw recommends the book A Shot In The Dark (see my review).
Mercury is toxic to all tissues and organs. Documented toxicity includes significant effects of Mercury on the lungs, heart, gastrointestinal system, blood, muscles, liver, kidneys, skin, thyroid gland, immune system, nerves, and brain. Dental workers exposed to Mercury in tooth-fillings have significantly more reproductive failure, including increased miscarriages, still-births, congenital malformities (Hare Lip and Cleft Pallet are caused by in-utero mercury poisoning) and menstrual disorders. Workers exposed to even "safe" levels of Mercury were found to have white blood cells with impaired ability to kill Candida (yeast).
Nutritional supplements that may aid in Mercury elimination and/or reduce toxic effects include N-acetylcystein, selenium, lipoic acid, Vitamin E, cilantro, Vitamin C, milk thistle, glycine, and garlic. There is no evidence thet a yeast overgrowth will spontaneously disappear on its own. Furthermore, the yeast overgrowth may be suppressing the immune system, preventing your child from recovering from the infection, resulting in the vicious cycle of antibiotics and frequent infections.
The next chapter was written by Dr Bernard Rimland. Here is a brief introduction of him:
"Bernard Rimland PhD (1928-2006) was an American research psychologist, writer, lecturer, and advocate for Autistic children, ADHD, learning disabilities, and mental retardation.
Dr Rimland was the founder, in 1967, and director of the Autism Research Institute, and founder of the Autism Society of America, in 1965. Rimland was long an internationally recognized authority on Autism Spectrum Disorders, and was the father of an Autistic son. He personally destroyed the Bettelheim's asinine theory, thet was commonly held to be true for decades, thet Autism was caused by 'Refrigerator mothers'."
People vary enormously in their need for B6 (If you have met one Autistic, you have met one Autistic). The children who showed improvements under B6 improved because they needed extra B6. Autism is thus in many cases a "Vitamin B6 Dependency Syndrome". Human bodies do not manufacture their own Vitamin C. Rats' bodies do. I am what is termed a "Vitamin C Needer"; i.e., I cannot get enough. Most people throw-up or get "ream your guts out" diarrhea if they "overdose" on vitamin C, perhaps by taking a mere 200% of the RDA. I can take 10,000% of the RDA and not overdose.
It has also been found thet heroin addicts are usually also Vitamin C-needers. By giving them mega-doses of Vitamin C, they can be more easily cured of their addiction. Thus explaining why some Autistics have deficiencies due to their inability to get enough B6.
The trick to taking B6 specifically is thet it must also be balanced with all the other B Vitamins, and especially Magnesium. If you take only mega B6, you will develop a deficiency in the other missing vitamins. Magnesium deficiency is commonly known as "squirmy-leg" or Restless Leg Syndrome; i.e., mild but uncontrollable muscle spasms. If you have a deficiency in Magnesium while adding mega B6, this can result in your hands and feet going numb. This numbness can be wrongly assumed to be B6 toxicity, but it is not. There is no such thing as B6 toxicity, there is only Magnesium deficiency. Thus you must take mega Magnesium while taking mega B6. I too am what could be called a "Magnesium-needer" because I often get "squirmy leg" if I do not eat correctly. For me this becomes especially evident when I am eating a lot of canned food.
In a 1993 study of Epileptic newborns, it was found that 18 times the dosage of B6 used to treat Autism was superior to anti-seizure drugs. And B6 in amounts as high as 50 grams per day (!) is used as an antidote for certain poisons.
Optimum results are most likely to occur when other nutrients are provided. Nutrients must form compounds in the body to be effective, and their effectiveness is limited when other nutrients are in short supply. Vitamins differ from drugs in this respect. Drugs operate as blocking agents, and can thus function alone. Vitamins act as enabling agents, and thus require the presence of other nutrients. This is why vitamins are so much safer than drugs; vitamins assist the body's metabolism, while drugs interfere with it.
Rimland recommends 300 mg of Magnesium for every 1,000 mg of B6, and says thet humans need about twice as much Calcium as Magnesium. This demonstrates the snowball effect, wherein if you are taking mega B6, you will need to add mega Magnesium. If you are then taking mega Magnesium, you with thus need to add more Calcium. They all need each other in order to work properly. For this reason, vitamins are usually sold in combinations: Cal-Mag, B-Complex, Mega Multis, etc.
The benefits which are most often observed in children with Autism given B6 and the accompanying nutrients are: Increased use of sounds, words, or speech; improved sleeping habits; decrease in hyper-activity and irritability; better attention-span; increased interest in learning.
Dimethylglycine (DMG) is a natural simple compound with no undesirable side-effects. Its existence originally did not pertain to Autism, but instead was used to try to enhance the function of the immune system in laboratory rabbits. It worked. The immune systems of the animals showed 300 to 1,000% increase in response to infection than control groups.
DMG is classified by the FDA as a food, and is thus readily available in health food stores. Although speech is the most notable positive change in Autistic children who are helped by DMG, behavioral improvements are also often reported.
Also note thet this whole book makes the point thet Autism is caused by antibiotics thet were originally prescribed to combat infections the Autistic's immune system was not defeating well in the first place. Thus DMG is practically necessary for Autistics, especially if they have been given immune-system-frying antibiotics.
A 22-year-old mentally Retarded man who had 16 to 18 seizures per week while on standard anti-convulsants, experienced only 3 seizures per week while on DMG.
For 20 years we have been hearing from parents who have tried DMG on their Autistic kids. In many cases remarkably good results have been seen, especially in enhancing speech. In some cases, drug-resistant seizures have been stopped with DMG.
DMG may also improve the effectiveness of B6.
Barley malt is a by-product of beer manufacturing. Yeast is mixed with the barley to split it. Any time yeast is allowed to degrade a food, fermentation happens. The liquid part is made into beer, and the solid part is sweet mash, which is called barley malt, or malt extract, or malt. Many snack-foods (even those from the health-food store), supposedly healthy, have barley malt in them as a sweetener. This natural sweetener is very high in yeast.
One cancer-causing chemical in food is Aflatoxin which comes from fungus called Aspergillus, which contaminates the peanut plant. Chocolate beans are dried with fungus. These are all products of yeast fermentation or fungus contamination. Fungus can produce poisons much more potent than yeast can produce. Each of them caused migraines in my Autistic son.
Dr Rimland mentions (and tears apart) the book The Yeast Connection, which recommends a high meat, low carbohydrate diet, because yeast grows better in carbohydrates than in protein. This seems like a good theory to base a diet on, but does not remove high-protein nuts, which are heavily contaminated with mold, and vinegar which is basically sour wine (fermented as much as beer), and is present in most condiments and salad dressings. This recommendation of increasing meat consumption and eliminating carbohydrates is wrong. I found that I could treat supposedly untreatable conditions such as Autism, psoriasis, eczema, chronic fatigue, multiple sclerosis, chronic vaginal yeast infections, Attention Deficit, and refractory depression with Nystatin treatment for Candida albicans (yeast). I have never had a child with Autism not respond to treatment for yeast.
Rimland goes on to write out 3 pages on his elimination diet, carefully noting what should be removed and in what order - along with which supplements should be added and when. It ends by leaving us an extremely strict diet of: beans, brown rice, tomatoes, potatoes, herbs, butter (which apparently has no Casein), safflower oil, green vegetables, roots (such as parsnips, rutabagas, turnips), fresh fruit in season (especially berries), unprocessed honey - period - because these are the only things thet do not feed yeast or have mold in them.
Due to my extreme allergies (I spent $11,000 discovering, and eventually weening myself off of) I am so in touch with my body and it's reactions to food, thet I have, by just listening to my body, discovered practically the same diet as Rimland prescribes.
Rimland does not explain why fish are off the list (what do fish have to do with yeast or mold?) other than the Mercury poisoning in all sea-food these days.
Rimland goes on to nearly beat into the ground how fanatical he is about Nystatin: Nystatin is a totally natural substance that pharmaceutical companies have harnessed and made into a prescription medication. Nystatin has been available for over 35 years. According to all the literature on it, including the Physician's Desk Reference, Nystatin has no known toxic side-effects. Apart from the possible nausea during the first few days of treatment (caused by yeast die-off, not the Nystatin it's self) there are no side-effects to Nystatin. It can be taken indefinitely because it is not absorbed into the bloodstream. Nystatin acts only on the intestinal tract. Children with Autism must be treated for a long time to allow their brains to recover and develop as much as possible (e.g., I have been on the GF/CF Diet for 2 whole years, and I am just now getting to the point where I feel it has done all the good it can do). The only drug that can be used for a long period of time is Nystatin. My son has been on Nystatin for 6 years with no ill effects.
I am a child psychiatrist, and have prescribed many medications for children with Autism, including Clonidine, Ritalin, and others. Not one of the children on any of those medications has done as well as any of the children on the anti-yeast diet and Nystatin.
One herb I have found helpful is Ginko Bilboa. This herb opens up blood vessels. The Autistic brain may be shutting down the blood flow to protect itself from toxic yeast chemicals. Ginko Bilboa may help reverse the lack of flow.
The next chapter is written by Dr Lisa Lewis PhD. She has her own Autistic child.
Professionals were of little help. At Sam's 3-year checkup, I asked the doctor point-blank: "Could he be Autistic?" At least he was honest - shaking his head slowly, he replied, "I just do not know."
As Sam's tantrums intensified I started reading about allergies, and found that children with food allergies generally craved most those foods they should not have. I still suspected that something he ate was affecting him, and his pattern of recurrent ear and upper respiratory infections, which eventually led to asthma, seemed to indicate an immune system gone awry.
Sam was very allergic to pollens and molds, but I found no evidence of food allergies. But when I was shown video tapes of children who were given concentrations of foods to which they were allergic, these nice children suddenly became wild animals; screaming, attempting to hit and scratch, throwing tantrums, and worse. Milk was said to be one of the main allergens that produced this response. Wheat was also named as a common cause.
In addition to his love of dairy, Sam loved anything starchy and mostly made of wheat. We had been calling him "Carbo-man". Though he tested negative for wheat allergy, I could not help noticing the resemblance between those video tapes and his behavior.
After removing wheat and milk from Sam's diet, he was practically cured of his monster behavior; even though he was not allergic to wheat or milk directly, he was sensitive to the Gluten and Casein in them.
Gluten and Casein have similar molecular structure. Proteins consist of long chains of amino acids. Normally intestinal enzymes digest them, breaking the bonds that connect to the proteins' amino acids. Genetic mutations, caused by changes in the DNA, can mean that specific enzymes cannot do their work.
Enzymes are also proteins; they are long chains of amino acids that fold into specific three-dimensional shapes. Each enzyme has an active site into which the protein it is designed to digest can fit. An alteration in the gene that codes for a particular enzyme can mean that it folds in a new way, and the protein to be modified no longer fits into the active site. Mutations change the chemistry of the body by preventing or altering the way certain enzymes and chemical reactions work. This is how Gluten and Casein turn normal kids into Autistics. The results are akin to poisoning. Often these children seem nearly addicted to specific types of food, often consuming large quantities of dairy and wheat. Stoned little zombies addicted to macaroni and cheese.
We recommend a diet free of Gluten and Casein for Autistic patients. The effects of this diet tend to be cumulative and must be tried for a year. In my case, I had to be on it strictly for 2 years before I got to a point wherein I felt I had all the toxins out of my system, thus no further improvement was comming. It is very slow in comming, but very worth it. I will never eat Gluten or Casein again.
Autism could be the consequence of the action of peptides of exogenous origin effecting neurotransmissions within the central Nervous System. These peptides result in effects which are basically optoid in nature. The Central Nervous System neuro-regulatory role, which is normally performed by the natural optoid peptides, would be intensified to such extent that normal processes within the Central Nervous System would be severely disturbed. The presence of this intense optoid activity would result in a large number of the systems of the Central Nervous System being disrupted; perception, cognition, emotions, mood and behavior, would all be affected. Many diverse symptoms by which Autism is defined would result.
These peptides are derived from an incomplete breakdown of certain foods, in particular Gluten and Casein. And if the gut is leaky then the proportion of improperly broken down peptides that cross the protective barrier will be far larger, with potentially devastating consequences.
Sam is now 9, and was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at 3 1/2. He was significantly delayed in motor planning, had a poor sense of where he was in space, had tactile defensiveness - refusing to touch certain textures such as shaving cream, paint, or sand. But it seemed clear to me that his sensory integration problems were likely a symptom of something else, rather than the cause.
In the below-reviewed book Sound of a Miracle, Georgie's Sensory Processing Disorder caused her Autism. In Sam's case, his Autism caused the Sensory Processing Disorder.
Celiac Disease is a chronic ailment in which malabsorption of nutrients is caused by a characteristic lesions of the small intestine mucosa. The lesion is produced by protein constituents of some cereal grains. In people who have Celiac Disease but continue to eat Gluten, the intestinal wall is excessively porous; not only are nutrients improperly absorbed, but large molecules which should be contained by the gut wall are not. This is called Leaky Gut Syndrome.
Gluten exists as a hidden ingredient in many foods, medicines, and even in the envelope glue we lick. Postage stamp glue and envelope glue are things I am intensely allergic to, though not as a Gluten reaction, it is something else in the glue thet makes my tongue burn and sinuses hurt to wincing extent. The point is thet though you take Gluten out of your diet, by eliminating wheat rye barley and peanuts, you may still have horrible Gluten toxicity, due to it being hidden in other things you ingest; such as malt, carmel color, mono and di glycerides, and even postage stamp glue.
Celiac.com applies the following notes to their discussion of caramel coloring:
If this ingredient is made in North America it is likely to be Gluten-free. The problem with caramel color is it may or may not contain Gluten depending on how it is manufactured.
In the USA caramel color must conform with the FDA standard of identity from 21CFR CH.1. This statute says:
"The color additive caramel is the dark-brown liquid or solid material resulting from the carefully controlled heat treatment of the following food-grade carbohydrates: Dextrose (corn sugar), invert sugar, lactose (milk sugar), malt syrup (usually from barley malt), molasses (from sugar-cane), starch hydrolysates and fractions thereof (can include wheat), sucrose (cane or beet)." Also, acids, alkalis, and salts are listed as additives which may be employed to assist the caramelization process.
You would probably never guess thet a can of Coke or Pepsi (dyed brown with carmel color) may have wheat and milk in it.
Instead of having an endless list of things you cannot eat, it is easier to just have a short list of things you can eat; namely: rice, beans, root veg, green veg, period.
Lisa recommends the book Super Immunity For Kids. I am adding it to my ever-growing list of books to be reviewed.
She recommends 9 Gluten-free cookbooks, and has several listings for Celiac Disease (extreme leaky gut).
The DAN! (Defeat Autism Now!) Protocol is a somewhat daunting document, but it is very well worth the effort to buy the protocol and go through it with your child's doctor.
The next chapter is written by an Autism mom, Pamela Scott.
At 8 months old, Alan was prematurely given his 4th DPT shot by the clinic nurse. I did not realize at the time that this shot should not have been given. I vividly recall the nurse taking Alan's immunization card and whiting-out the information that she had logged about this vaccination. Not only did Alan receive this DPT shot 3 weeks prematurely, he also received an extra DPT vaccination 8 weeks later because the nurse, covering up her mistake, had falsified his immunization card!
That night we found Alan with arched back, shaking, and running a pretty good fever. We took him to the clinic the first thing the next morning. During the visit they made it extremely clear that Alan's reaction was due to the fact we did not give him fever reducing medication. If we had understood the vaccine information, we would have known to administer the medication. They never reported Alan's reaction to the proper agencies. This [snowball of] error and cover-up went undetected by us for 3 years. The clinic made us feel responsible for Alan's fever and convulsions when they were negligent. This is how Alan became Autistic.
Pamela's second child, Taylor; Within a few weeks of adding whole milk to his diet we needed a round of antibiotics to clear up an upper respiratory tract infection. This would be the first he received in a long line of prescriptions. Though the physician was aware that I was giving Taylor milk, the correlation between the increase in milk and subsequent infections was never made. Taylor looked and felt terrible most of the time. He was sick so often that the physician began writing prescriptions to be refilled without an office visit. This constant massive overdose of antibiotic fried his intestines and caused Autism.
She gave him mega B6, which immediately helped, followed by an anti-Candida diet. It made such a difference thet she started the same regime with Alan.
Not only were physicians not helpful, but also we were told that food or chemicals could not cause the type of reactions we were describing. We were bold enough to bring copies of our programs for Alan and Taylor for their approval. What a mistake! We were told not to waste our time, that these alternative therapies were a hoax. These same physicians were unable to offer their own treatment plan (other than a pharmaceutical "fix" to help them sleep!); i.e., drug the little monsters unconscious, and presto! They are cured! We decided to forge ahead with our own plans to implement the necessary dietary and supplemental changes:
- MCT Oil is broken down in the intestine to form the anti-fungal agent caprylic acid.
- Natrol EPO (evening primrose oil) contains essential fatty acids (EFAs) which aid transmission of nerve impulses and are needed for normal brain function. EFAs are also beneficial in the treatment of candidiasis.
Taylor experienced a bad reaction to yeast die-off, called Hexheimer reaction (Google it). Basically, you get sick from being full of dead yeast. You feel awful for the week it takes for your body to get rid of it. This includes Autistic melt-downs and horrific tantrums, alternating with "dead kid" lethargy, rashes and hives, diarrhea and vomiting, etc. Do not stop! When this happens it proves it is working, and demonstrates just how toxic yeast is. After a week your kid's Autism symptoms will be greatly alleviated.
Today Alan is cured of Autism. He only has Dyslexia and "inability to retain information"; apparently the typically Aspergian bad memory. Taylor has emotional control issues but is otherwise cured. Both are in regular school at grade level. Both are liked by friends they made on their own. Both must stay strictly on their GF/CF Diets or they regress.
The next chapter is written by another Autism mom, Karyn Seroussi.
Even if I did know what I was seeing, even if a scarlet "A" had appeared on Miles' forehead, I still would not have gotten any useful advice from my pediatrician.
She switches doctors several times, all of whom are utterly useless and condescending while pumping this clearly Autistic child full of vaccination after vaccination, followed by antibiotic after antibiotic for his chronic diarrhea and ear infections.
After they nearly kill her kid, she removes him from their "assistance", and starts reading books.
Miles is in a regular school now, with no problems whatsoever. He knows what he can eat, and is very cautious about even touching other people's food.
She ends the chapter by pleading with parents to reject the medical profession, kill the yeast, and get on the Autism Diet.
The following chapter is a presentation by Karyn, which she has also published on the Internet, called Frequently Asked Questions about Dietary Intervention for the Treatment of Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities. It includes recommendations of the books, Raising Your Child Without Milk, and Don't Drink Your Milk.
Unfortunately Gluten seems to take longer to disappear from the system than Casein does. Urine tests show that Casein probably leaves the system in about 3 days, but it can take up to 8 months for all peptide levels to drop.
I concur with this analysis. It took 2 years for me to get to a point wherein I felt the GF/CF Diet had done all the good it could. Then I accidentally ingested some milk, and thus felt sick, retarded, and angry for 3 days, after which I felt fine again; i.e., the Casein toxins were out of my system in 3 days, but it took 2 years to get the Gluten toxins out.
Other parents have noted that their children with Autism seem to be the healthiest member of the family. In this case, it has been hypothesized that the immune system is too aggressive and ends up attacking the nervous system. This may explain the presence of anti-myelin antibodies in some Autistic children.
Karyn of course recommends her own book, Unraveling the Mystery of Autism and Pervasive Developmental Disorder - a Mother's Story of Research and Recovery. It has been added to my colossal list of books I hope to review in future.
This book ends with a grand summary by Dr Shaw:
One child with Autism evaluated in my laboratory had a urine tartic acid concentration that was nearly 400 times the upper limit of normal (approaching a lethal dose) after the use of multiple oral antibiotics. The medical profession causes Autism and is outright killing our kids in their pathetic attempt to mask the symptoms rather than address causes.
An extensive body of research has documented numerous abnormal structures in the brains of children with Autism. I wish to emphasize that finding abnormal anatomical structures proves nothing about the cause of these abnormalities. I suspect that some of these may be due to the toxic effects of the microbial metabolities of the abnormal peptides from wheat and milk, just as the drug Thalidomide caused abnormal development of the limbs of children exposed to the drug in-utero. Thus, saying Autism is a brain disease makes just as much sense as saying that flippers on Thalidomide children are caused by an arm disorder.
Autism may be caused by microbial metabolites and peptides. These enzymes may partially digest the lining of the intestinal tract. This takes place as the yeast cells attach to mucosa lining the intestine. The digestion of the intestinal tract by yeast and viral infections/live virus vaccines causes Leaky Gut Syndrome, and may also limit the ability of intestinal cells to produce hormones such as Secretin that is necessary for the production of sufficient pancreatic digestive enzymes; thus causing mal-absorption.
Undigested wheat products and other food molecules are more likely to be absorbed from the intestinal tract into the body through the leaky gut and elicit an allergic response, food allergies. Some of these allergies may manifest as behavioral disorders.
Cade's work established significant improvements in almost every aspect of Autism in a group of 70 children after only 1 month on the Gluten and Casein free diet.
Also recommended: low sugar diet, anti-fungal therapy, therapy for Clostridia bacterial overgrowth, Gluten and Casein restriction, Vitamin B6 and DMG supplementation, and food allergy desensitization.
Children are our most precious resource, and most readily available guinea-pigs for the pharmaceutical industry to pump it's products into, and leech money out of.
Cows milk causes ear infections. Penicillin causes infection. Antibiotics kill intestinal flora which then allows yeast overgrowth which eats holes in the intestine, causing food allergies, then mutates Gluten, Casein, Soy, Apples, and Gelatin into toxins which cause Autism. Antibiotics cause AIDS.
No Gluten (wheat rye barley and peanuts), no Casein (milk in any form), no Soy, no Phenol (apples pears bananas), no Gelatin. No Tetanus shots. And absolutely never any Vaccinations nor Antibiotics! (Oh yes, and drive a stake through Dr Frankenstein Mengele's heart, and return to a Stone Age diet). Kill all intestinal yeast. Then add Mega B6, Magnesium, and DMG. And never eat anything thet has yeast or mold in it, or can feed yeast.
I also personally recommend MMS, which turns to chlorine in your blood and thus kills the bad bugs but not the good.
This book beats into the ground the fact thet in most cases Autism is a temporary intestinal problem, not a permanent neurological disorder.
I am convinced thet in my case most of my Autism symptoms are caused by my guts not my brain. Though I do recognize thet (like in the case of Georgiana Stehli mentioned below) some of my Autistic behavior (aversion to being touched, extreme sensitivity to noise, preference for being alone, light-induced rage-attacks, etc) is caused by my Sensory Processing Disorders - all of which have been greatly alleviated due to me first addressing the intestinal problems.
This is the best book I have ever read in my life. It took me many months to write this review, for it is so jam-packed with information thet my mind was boggled (I had to take a lot of breaks to allow my brain to absorb the overload of information). What I have quoted above barely does it justice. Very highly recommended.
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Children With Autism
A parents' guide
by Michael D Powers
The forward is written by Temple Grandin - this is why I bought the book without even glancing at the write-up on the back.
She says, "The Speech Therapist was 1 of those excellent teachers who had just the right instinct for working with children. She knew just how much to intrude into my world. If she pushed too hard, I had a tantrum. If she did not push at all there was no progress. She helped my brain to hear the hard consonant sounds by stretching out those sounds. I used to say 'bah' for 'ball' because I did not hear speech-sounds correctly. If adults spoke slowly I understood, but if they spoke fast it sounded like gibberish. I thought adults had a special 'grown-up' language."
Then there is an introduction by Bernard Rimland (the guy who proved Bettelheim was a cackling mad-man).
He says, "I was startled to find in Leo Kanner's Textbook of Childhood Psychiatry, case-histories of children who were identical to my son, Mark.
I quickly learned that it was uniformly believed by authorities in the field that Autism (thus Childhood Schizophrenia) were emotional disorders which occurred in children who were biologically Normal, when the children realized in some obscure way that their mothers did not love them enough. I remember how Mark screamed implacably in the nursery before he was even brought home from the hospital, and I wondered why these highly trained professionals, psychiatrists, neurologists, pediatricians, and psychologists were so convinced that Autism was caused by bad parenting rather than by an unknown biological factor. I read books by Bruno Bettelheim, who proclaimed thet Autistic children had been mistreated by their mothers in about the same way in which Nazi concentration-camp prisoners had been mistreated by their guards, making them withdraw from reality.
At this time, the mid-60s, there were only 2 methods used to 'treat' Autistic children - psychotherapy and drugs. Both of these methods were universally accepted and deeply entrenched. Parents were told, 'You caused this problem, and your child only has 1 chance, and that is for you to relinquish control to us and do as we say' (brain-frying drugs and useless talk-therapy for Sensory Processing Disorders!)."
There are 10 chapters, each 1 written by a sepret person, then all edited together by Michael. It provides an amazing array of points of view.
Girls, when affected, are more likely to be more seriously affected by symptoms of Autism. I am guessing this conclusion is jumped to because the milder forms of Autism are not as recognizable in girls as it is in boys. Thus, when it is noticeable it is because it is a severe case; i.e., I do not believe girls get worse cases than boys, we only notice the worst cases in girls. Though Autism remains thought of as a "White male disease" in general.
Michael points out the difference between "recovery", "cure", and "habilitation". Recovery is when the causes of the symptoms are eliminated, thus allowing the return of normalcy. Cure is when all symptoms miraculously disappear. Habituation is when they have simply learned over the years how to act normal.
Recently some Normal told me I did not seem very Autistic. I told him thet in my mind I wanted to flap my hands and spin in circles right now, I had just learned over the years how to pretend not to, and thet this is why Autism is thought of as something little kids have (kids impulsively spin and flap). Eventually those kids grow up and learn how to act Normal - but they are still Autistic.
Your child's Autism is not her sole characteristic. She is a multi-faceted personality like all the rest of us. Keep this in mind when planning her future. You must insist thet your child be treated as a (unique) learner first, and as a child who's learning is impaired by the symptoms of Autism second. You should always work for the best possible educational placement for your child.
I see so many Munchausen moron parents put 100% of their effort into accepting their Autistic child as a cripple, rather than realizing the unique way this child learns and nurturing that.
I just hate the useless school-system drilling drilling drilling the Autistic child in "working on their socialization" (they will never figure out), while their eccentric giftedness is never acknowledged, or even intentionally stifled (thus wasted). The school-system refers to this as "main-streaming". It is evil.
When we learned Mike was "Autistic-like" we almost at once began to see his enthusiasm as a weakness rather than a strength. It began to worry us thet we could never predict Mike's responses or the intensity of his reactions. We felt we always had to be on guard. Now in place of our alert, happy, "spirited" child, we saw a loud and demanding child who was "out of control!". Our focus had shifted from Mike to his Autism.
I saw my daughter Elle as a Faerie rather than a non-verbal Autistic. I think of her as a magical creature I need to figure out, rather than a damaged kid with weaknesses thet need to be controlled by drugging and drilling her into the appearance of normalcy.
The evil school system allows "teachers" to prescribe Ritalin to any child who is enthusiastic. These terrified ignoramuses honestly want a class-room full of lobotomized sheep and drooling zombies to "teach" how to mindlessly parrot what the system has to offer (100% of which is useless shit to start with!). Why don't they encourage the kids in the direction they are naturally attracted to (doing Astrology and Life Lessons charts on them on their first day of school).
You have to take Autism into account in almost all decisions you make about your child's medical well-being; even with a question as simple as, "How will your child react to having her teeth cleaned?" She might go into a spastic gag-reflex simply by having a toothbrush put into her mouth.
Then there is a list of medications commonly prescribed for Autistics, and what the writer thinks of them.
He immediately points out thet the medical profession only knows how to prescribe drugs to mask symptoms, rather than address causes. The example being drugs to prevent the child from severe head-banging or hand-flapping. These "behavioral problems" are Stims, invented by the child to relieve their own stress, and are necessary for the child's emotional well-being, but since they interfere with "education" (in a public school class-room which is the cause of the over-stimulating stress), they are drugged to oblivion. "There! Now the little drooling zombie can mindlessly parrot useless shit in public school without disturbing the rest of the Ritalin sheep."
Major tranquilizers are most frequently used on adults with severe psychiatric illnesses as well as on some children with Autism. 1 of the ways they work is by reducing the activity of dopamine, a chemical in the brain that acts as a neurotransmitter/messenger between nerve cells. In children with Autism, dopamine appears to regulate certain problem behaviors; e.g., self-injury, and stereotyped or [apparently] purposeless repetitive movements. By decreasing these behaviors, major tranquilizers may increase the attention-span of children with Autism and thus make them more able to learn.
I shall now explain what that paragraph actually says:
"Reducing the activity of neurotransmitters" is a chemical lobotomy. "Dopamine appears to regulate problem behaviors such as self-injury and purposeless repetitive movements"; self-injury, such as biting their fingers off or poking their eyes out. In my review of the book Biological Treatments For Autism and PDD, it said: Children with Calcium deficiency are much more likely to poke out their eyes. Treatment with Calcium supplementation prevents this behavior. But the medical profession only knows how to mask the symptoms (of a simple Calcium deficiency caused by the vaccine-damaged gut's inability to absorb nutrients properly), rather than address the cause. The child will poke their eyes out because their eyes hurt! The medical profession decides thet if they drug the kid to oblivion so they can no longer feel their own eyes, this will somehow "increase attention-span"! Meanwhile, they head-bang themselves bloody and bite their fingers off because they cannot feel anything! Drugging them to the extent thet they can no longer tell they cannot feel is insane! As is drugging them floppy so they can no longer engage in the "purposeless repetitive movements" which are actually necessary Stims!
"By decreasing these behaviors, major tranquilizers may increase the attention-span of children with Autism and thus make them more able to learn." If you are so drugged thet you cannot feel your own eyes, how does this make you more able to learn? It only makes the useless "teachers" more able to tolerate an over-populated class-room (they are terrified of). It is obvious the "learning" they are talking about is programing the zombies how to mindlessly parrot!
Side-effects of these medications include problems with movement (in a child who already has a bad sense of balance and depth-perception). Sometimes children will develop peculiar postures and muscle spasms (all Autistics, particularly the Aspies, are already awkward in movement); these side-effects can often be controlled by the addition of another type of medication (drugs prescribed to mask the symptoms of drugs prescribed to mask the symptoms of drugs prescribed to mask the symptoms ...). To some extent all tranquilizers produce dry-mouth (in a child who already has bad mouth co-ordination), constipation (when Autism is already an intestinal disorder), blurred vision (in eyes thet already hurt so much the kid would rather poke them out), changes in liver function, effects on blood cells, restlessness or agitation (the drug is prescribed to alleviate in the first place!), sensitivity of the skin to sun (exacerbating their Sensory Processing Disorders), and true allergic reactions. Often side-effects are dose-related, but sometimes individuals have side-effects even on low doses (especially if they are hyper-sensitive Autistics).
Even minor tranquilizers such as Valium and Librium may make children with Autism more agitated. Then why do you even mention the major tranquilizers above?
Special diets and high doses of vitamins and minerals may improve behavior and functioning of children with Autism. The results of research studies have been rather mixed. Probably the majority of children have little response.
Autism is an intestinal disorder! Eliminating Gluten (wheat (including semolina, durham, spelt, and kamut), rye, barley, and peanuts), Casein (milk in any form), Phenol (apples, pears, and bananas), Soy, Mold (mushrooms, corn, and melons), and Yeast tremendously alleviate the symptoms of Autism (as the Ketogenic Diet can cure some cases of Epilepsy), and have notable affect on Schizophrenia, Celiac, Crohn's, Bi-polar, Diabetes, and Acid-reflux. Anyone who says otherwise is a flat-out liar or a puppet/whore of the Pharmaceutical Industry. Probably the majority of children have little response. That is a flat-out lie!
It is a proven fact thet all Autistics improve with diet-change alone - because Autism is an intestinal disorder! See (my review of) the documentary film Autism Yesterday. Autism Is Reversible, wherein each of the 5 cases presented were outright cured with the GF/CF Diet.
This writer almost redeems himself by saying, "In general it is important to realize that education, rather than medication, offers the best chance for improving problem behavior in children with Autism." But: First of all, there are no "problem behaviors", there are only problematic symptoms; i.e., me having a rage-attack does not mean I have an "anger management problem". It means I have a rage-attack as a symptom of brain-poisoning caused by me ingesting Gluten. As Sharisa said, in the documentary Loving Lampposts, (to paraphrase) "I do not have a disease, I have a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders thet cause discomfort, especially in people like you!" And as Hans Asperger himself said, "One does not suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, they suffer from other people"; i.e., I do not have an anger management problem, you have an anger provocation problem. Stop touching me and making noise - it puts me into a rage. Your fault! Of course, now thet I have the Gluten out of my system I no longer have those rage-attacks. Things thet used to put me into a rage make me now only feel irritated and sometimes only merely annoyed.
Second, the education should be of both the parent and child. The child needs to now what Autism is, and how to control the symptoms of it naturally through diet, vitamins, Irlen Lenses, Audio Integration Training, etc.
I will never stop hating the medical doctors who got together with my mother behind my back and the 2 of them decided what drugs I should be put on to mask the symptoms of a disease I did not have. No one ever educated me about what (they thought) was wrong with me, in fact when I asked point blank, "What is this drug supposed to do?" The doctor looked at me with a "there-there, you infant" look on his face like he thought I was not intelligent enough to understand, and thus he intentionally withheld the answer from me, possibly thinking I might have a placebo-effect if I knew what the drug was even for! I hate them so much for treating me like a guinea-pig, and never acknowledging me as the actual patient! The doctor only spoke to the person paying the bill, in this case my Paranoid Schizophrenic, compulsive-liar, mother.
The next writer explain thet ear infections can be reduced by surgically installing ear-tubes to drain pus. Ear infections are caused by drinking milk, you imbecile! Now Frankenstein Mengela is not only prescribing chemical-lobotomy drugs to mask symptoms of bad diet, but actually physically cutting into the patient to install foreign objects! Then the moron adds insult to injury by declaring thet routine vaccinations are "needed", and "you should use Fluoride in the drinking water or in the toothpaste." Ofer Krysake; Fluoride causes Autism! This knot-head has no clue what Autism even is.
He goes on to blither about the finicky eating habits of Autistics, stating thet tantrums over food are common and can lead to self-inflicted malnutrition (which is true); then he uses as an example, "A child who refuses to eat dairy products may not develop strong bones and teeth." What an moron! Milk turns to acid in your system. To defeat the over-acidity the body dumps it's own Calcium into your system; this Calcium comes from your bones, thus drinking milk actually causes Osteoporosis! Then obviously milk contains Casein, which greatly exacerbates Autism symptoms.
He recommends consulting with a Dietician to assure the child is getting proper nutrition (I agree), but his stated main purpose of which is to eliminate the need for vitamin supplementation. The facts are, it is not possible to get proper nutrition from food alone, especially in the case of an Autistic who's intestines are so damaged (Leaky Gut Syndrome, Lactose Intolerance, hyper-sensitivity to Gluten and Casein, chronic intestinal Yeast Infections, Mal-absorption, etc.). Autistics need specific vitamins (sometimes in mega-doses) for life, no matter what their food intake consists of.
This numbskull almost redeems himself by saying, "You must sometimes decide whether your child would be better off suffering the symptoms of the medical condition than suffering the cure. Your child should always be involved in the discussion and decisions about her treatment."
As stated above, this never happened in my case; in fact the doctors intentionally withheld information. The child should receive every possible amount of education on the subject so they can manage (or at least participate in the management of) their own case.
I feel so disgusted when I see these horrible documentaries and movies about Autistic kids who's case is a Disaster while the parents and doctors know nothing about Autism themselves. These are utterly unfit parents for keeping their kids ignorant. And in most cases the parents (intentionally) also have no clue, due to the stupidity of Munchausen Syndrome. There is no excuse.
This writer does admit thet most doctors have no clue, and thus you need to search out a Pediatrician who knows something about Autism.
Not mentioned in this book is the listing of DAN! Doctors. DAN! stands for Defeat Autism Now, and there are many doctors who have endorsement from DAN!, thus making them qualified to at least offer an opinion.
Doctors who "specialize in Autism" do not have it themselves.
This chapter is concluded with Parent Statements. They include the likes of this:
After keeping us waiting for a hour and a half in a waiting room with no toys, the Doctor told us our son had "Autistic-like characteristics". I asked what we could do about this. Instead of talking about different therapies, special schools, diets, or drug therapies, she said there was nothing that could be done. She dismissed his whole life and potential value as a contributing member of society in 10 minutes.
This is what it was like for me concerning the dozen or so Doctors I was dragged to by my evil mother. None of them knew shit about anything, and all of them just wanted to poke pills down my throat to mask the symptoms of mental illnesses I did not have. Any time I tried to talk to them at all, they snapped back with a snotty sneering "What medical school did you go to!" I am the one who lives in this body and they had never asked me how that felt, and forcibly shut me up if I tried to tell them.
The next chapter says, "Your goal should always be to make your child part of the family and not the center of it." This is the problem thet makes it so 70% of couples with a Special child get divorced. Dad wants his family, Mom becomes obsessed with her child (sometimes even developing Munchausen Syndrome), to the neglect of everyone else; sacrificing the Family on the alter to the Special child. (See my review of the movie David's Mother ).
One reason children with Autism need consistency is thet they have trouble using the same skills with different people, places, or situations. This is called 'Poor Generalization'. For example, your child may demonstrate wonderful table manners at home but be a terror in a restaurant. This can be due to the child fixating on pattern recognition, thus if the pattern changes the kid freaks-out because they are simply lost in the unfamiliar, unable to find the reference-point. This creates anxiety, and, if not remedied, an eventual tantrum. To this day I do not like change, becoming angry if someone comes into my house and moves my things. I must have a place for everything and everything in it's place.
One cause of the problem with generalization is 'selective attention' or 'stimulus over-selectivity'. This means your child may over-focus on 1 aspect of a situation and not be able to respond unless that particular characteristic is present. Autistics have difficulty recognizing which characteristic to focus on.
In The Everything Parent's Guide, Adelle writes: Children with Autism struggle in a profound way with conceptual ideas. For example, she may associate leaving the house with putting on a coat. Now imagine that same child is outside without a coat on, and the temperature dropped dramatically. Although the child might have a coat with her, even in her hands, she will not put on the coat. Why not? Because she associates the coat with leaving the house, not with cold temperature.
Me becoming visually overwhelmed is caused by my inability to determine which aspect I should focus on, thus I see every detail as equal and it becomes so overwhelming thet I go into a rage because I cannot take it any longer. I put my hands over my eyes and roar in anger. Then I got my Irlen Lenses!
Another example (suggesting all horses are Autistic) is that of a girl and her horse. This girl had long blonde hair. She had this horse for many years, and had a wonderful relationship with it. Then the girl cut her hair. The horse was thus spooked by this "stranger" because, though the girl's scent, voice, and manner was still the same, the horse had only fixated on the long hair as a recognizable feature. Like a horse, the Autistic child will spook if you change the aspect they used as their reference-point.
And as with the table-manners example, the child appears to understand proper etiquette, but they do not. They are only behaving in a specific manner because they have the visual reference-point of the familiar dining-room. If you change that reference-point, by taking them to a restaurant, they spook, thus demonstrating thet they never did have a clue what table manners were - as the horse never did have a clue who that girl was.
This writer goes on to suggest you place your focus on "catching the child being good" rather than bad. This goes for all children - I suggest most people are bad at parenting because they think good behavior is expected, thus they only make a fuss when the child does something wrong. The ultimate example of this is the father who was a Fireman who neglected his (Normal) daughter. She realized he loved fire more than her, so she became a pyromaniac to get his attention. This is his fault, for he had (even if inadvertently) taught her thet she will only get his attention by being bad - he had apparently never praised her for being good.
This makes the parent the enemy to the child, resulting in sociopathic Anarchist bad behavior in the children if you give them the freedom to make their own choice; e.g., teenagers driving around at night, drunk, smashing mailboxes. This is an example of kids who were clearly never praised for being good, they were only punished for being bad. When left to their own devices they do not take pride in their own good aspects, instead they rebel (by intentionally being bad) over the perpetual punishment they received from parents who only saw the bad in them.
I feel very strongly about this. My parents were simply abusive, inventing ridiculous reasons to "discipline" me, when they were actually just monsters; e.g., utterly ignoring the fact I routinely got an A++ in art, they would spank me with a belt for flunking math (which was the incompetent teacher's fault; plus I am an Aspie, nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words - numbers are not words).
So this writer says you should use 10 praises for every 1 criticism, thus giving the child the reference-point of themselves as basically good.
Not all Autistics are necessarily gifted, but all of them do have Sensory Processing Disorders, most of which manifest as super-human senses. These things can be nurtured into a gift. But most parents only focus on the tantrum the child throws because the child is not able to handle the over-stimulation caused by those super-human senses. This over-stimulation is provoked by the moron parent trying to make the child act normal - repeatedly dragging them out into "social" situations wherein the child cannot help but be over-stimulated.
This was demonstrated clearly in the documentary Autism: The Musical, wherein the Autistic child Neal was dragged to his own birthday party (he had no ability to even understand the purpose of in the first place) by his idiot mother who tried to force him to act normal (she also forced him to pretend he had a clue what Hanukkah rituals were about - moron). He hated the party atmosphere, had no interest in interacting with the other children present, all of whom had been bribed or otherwise forced to pretend to be his friends for the day. He wound up into an anxiety-attack thet anyone who was not a deluded moron could have seen coming a mile away. His stupid mother kept up her fake plastic smiley face act of deluding herself thet her severely Autistic child was actually normal under the surface. Neal eventually threw a violent tantrum, throwing a smaller child to the ground. I roared at the screen telling this moron mother it was all her fault.
Later in the film, non-verbal Neal tells his mother thet she needs to be a better listener. No shit, Sherlock!
The point is, she never acknowledged his giftedness (in this case we never find out if he even has any), instead trying to make him act normal which only provoked "bad" behavior. Then he was told he had been bad for becoming violent, when the fact is she was bad for refusing to acknowledge his anxiety-attack and resulting tantrum. The focus had been on the delusions of his mother, then on punishing him for her provocation of the violence!
Rather than continually eliminating a series of problem behaviors, teach appropriate behaviors to take their place.
Meanwhile, when punishment is appropriate, do not assume the child feels punished. Normal children may feel punished by being sent to their room (the punishment being banishment from family interaction), but most Autistics prefer to be alone anyway, thus you are inadvertently rewarding them for the bad behavior thet resulted in them being sent to their room. You are teaching them thet if they do this specific bad behavior, it will result in them being allowed to go to their room alone where they wanted to be in the first place!
Spankings are another form of "punishment" thet never worked on me (not only because I never did anything to justify a spanking in the first place). I was so dissociative from the continual abuse (actually developing a Multiple Personality), and from the Autism, in thet my senses were so inaccurate I never trusted them anyway. Spankings just made all my senses turn off. And, typically Aspergian, I never acknowledged authority in the first place - the only reason I ever did anything my evil parents said was because I was a child and thus dependent on them, most emphatically not because I thought they had any right to tell me what to do.
Picture a parent screaming, "Stop yelling!", or spanking the child while saying, "No hitting!" While all children have trouble accepting the concept of "Do as I say, not as I do", children with Autism are especially confused by contradictions. Make sure you do not accidentally model behaviors you do not want your child to imitate.
Also, using vague phrases such as "Cut it out" or "Be good" will only confuse an Autistic child. Also recognize thet many of the things you may perceive as "bad behavior" are actually good for the child; such as when a child is spinning and flapping, you might say "Stop being a spaz", when the facts are the child is calming themself with this behavior, thus reducing being a spaz. Never tell an Autistic to calm down!
70% of children with Autism also have mental retardation.
I am not aware of that. From my perspective, most Autistics, or at least the Aspies, are geniuses (at least in some peculiar idiosyncratic way).
This writer goes on to suggest thet the reason many Autistics have difficulty toilet-training is because they are Retarded. This is completely wrong. The reason Classic Autistic kids shit their pants is because their senses are so inaccurate they may not feel the need to go. Their bodies are numb all over, and thus "accidents" will happen. After which, their sense of location in their own bodies is so vague, they do not notice their pants are full. "Mental Retardation" has nothing to do with it. Autism is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders, and has nothing to do with their level of intelligence!
Like every chapter in this book, this 1 ends with a few pages of single-paragraph-comments by assorted parents of Autistic kids.
With everything else involved in raising an Autistic child, I tend to give the least emphasis on his diet. I figure a lot of Normal kids survive on rotten diets, and I only have so many hours in a day. There is just no time to force-feed Lawrence every meal.
What an moron. Autism is an intestinal disorder, the most important thing you should spend time on is "force-feeding". Not to mention you are an unfit parent for not giving a shit if your Normal kids eat garbage. Idiot. This knot-head spends all her time fighting the symptoms of bad diet, caused by her! Duuuh.
Next chapter, new writer:
Mentioned here is the fact thet having a Special Child will inevitably result in emotional turbulence for Mom and Dad. If you notice yourself becoming unnecessarily short-tempered with your spouse or children, or that you are avoiding certain responsibilities, discuss these concerns with your spouse or family members. Try to arrive first at a clear definition of the problem, and then a solution.
We see this a lot in heated arguments, wherein the goal becomes fixing the blame rather than the problem. As the argument devolves into a fight, the actual problem thet caused this strife gets lost in the shuffle. Now they are fighting because they are angry, not because of the original problem.
He presents a Behavior Checklist for the basic diagnosis of Autism:
- Eating patterns (will only eat specific foods, or use specific utensils).
- Sleeping patterns (wakes often at night).
- Toileting problems.
- Self-stimulations (rocks, spins, and flaps).
- Resistance to change.
- Self-injury.
- Tantrums.
- Withdrawal (does not respond to other people).
- Aggression (attacks others when frustrated).
- Echolalia.
- Pronoun reversal (interchanges "I" and "You").
- Jargon in speech (invented words thet have an emotional definition to the child but are gibberish to anyone else).
Again the chapter ends with comments from assorted "parents":
"Doug simply could not handle any food with texture - he gagged, turned blue, and threw-up from 6 months on. Yoghurt became a Godsend to us. I never gave up. Now that he is 3 1/2, we have just started going to fast-food restaurants, and he happily eats french-fries, chicken nuggets, and milkshakes."
You already know I am going to say: "What an idiot!"
Along with the Tetanus shot, the Casein in yoghurt causes the space-case, Attention Deficit, out-of-body, numbness resulting in bad mouth co-ordination; i.e. feeding him yoghurt makes him choke and gag even more. Then she says she "never gave up", thinking of it as some sort of achievement thet the kid can now gag down horrible fast-food thet exacerbates Autism.
How appalling thet this ignorant "parent" has no clue what Autism even is.
Another so-called "parent" says: "Ryan's first love is the alphabet. He can recite it backwards just as fluently as forwards. He sees letters in every-day objects; holding a candy-cane upside-down and calls it a "J", takes a bite out of a Ritz cracker and it is a "C".
Like me, this Hyperlexic Aspie can recite the alphabet backward, and obsessively reads everything. This proves he has an intestinal yeast infection (the candy is made of sugar to feed the yeast), and is hyper-sensitive thus resulting in sensory over-load and inevitable tantrums (the cracker is made of Gluten which provokes a rage-attack).
It is so frustrating for me to see these ignorant parents wasting their energy trying to accept thet Autism cannot be cured, deluding themselves thet their place as a parent is to accept their handicapped child the way he is, rather than alleviating the symptoms with a simple diet-change.
Another moron parent says, "He is 6 and does not understand the concept of Christmas. We will all get our full Christmas Eve's rest, but would trade it in a heartbeat to watch him, just once, experience the excitement of Santa Clause."
Ofer Krysake. What a moron.
This is something I have always wanted to talk to other Autistics about; do any of them celebrate holidays? I cannot imagine they do. All holidays are social events, thus any Autistic would be averse to them, or at least the socialization surrounding them. (*1) And Autistics have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, like Santa Clause representing the Spirit of Giving (with baby Jesus absurdly mixed in). It is another example of appalling ignorance on the part of the parents who even try to make an Autistic pretend to be Normal in such a stupid way (me suggesting all holidays are stupid to start with). They want these kids to jump through the hoops of pretending to be Normal, when their definition of "Normalcy" is based on pointless cultural rituals rather than anything intelligent.
After a "Normal" teenager thrill-killed a stranger, saying he did it because he was bored, his mother wailed thet "He had a full-time day-job, and went to church every Sunday, so this should not have happened!"
I laughed in astonishment the first time I heard that. She had programmed her child to stumble through the hoops of pretended "normalcy", without ever teaching him to have conscience, ethics, or morals, nor even understand the point of anything social or cultural.
The above-mentioned morons are trying to do that same thing with Autistic kids who will never understand it in the first place.
Another says, "The holidays have come and gone with Ryan not understanding any concept surrounding them. I remember using the Holidays as a sort of gauge of his progress. Each Halloween I would say, 'Next year he will "get" this.' Now I do not bother guessing when and if that will happen. Still, on each Holiday I get at twinge in my heart and a tear in my eye; however it passes quickly because I realize Ryan's happiness is measured in every-day moments."
Today I am 50, and still have no interest in even acknowledging my own Birthday nor even Thanksgiving. What-the-hell is the point? I am Fluttershy.
Next Chapter, new writer.
There is no 1 curriculum for all children with Autism. Like any child, they have strong and weak points when it comes to learning. For example, some children with Autism have more trouble learning communication skills than they do learning cognitive skills. In Autism this discontinuity, or tendency to progress at different rates in different developmental areas, is 1 of the reasons Autism is so puzzling. Moreover, there can be uneven performance within a single area. For example, some have unique and very highly-developed visual perceptual skills and can read almost any word. Although this particular cognitive skill may be well above average, the same child may be completely unable to comprehend what she has just read.
This is also seen in Echolalia, wherein the kid has an exceptional memory for sounds, and impulsively repeats whatever they hear, while not understanding the context of that sound. They can repeat word-for word whatever anyone has said, with the exact accent and inflection, even if it is a language they have never heard before. They know the sound, but not the meaning.
Next chapter, on Legal Rights.
Since the diagnosis, my husband and I have added a new item to our household budget; money to retain a lawyer each year. You never get to talk to the school administrators, so you just get a lawyer.
The public school system is lazy and corrupt, all they want is identical cloned lemmings on Ritalin to shuffle through their pathetically useless system. If any child is a special case, they become vicious and try to drive the child out, which is illegal. Unfortunately, you have to sue them to force them to obey the law. I suggest this is the main reason having an Autistic kid is so expensive; you end up sending the kid to private tutors (while still paying taxes to run the useless parasite schools).
The law guarantees "appropriate" education, not "quality" education. What nagged me was that although I knew what my child needed, I did not know how much was appropriate to ask the school system to provide.
It is intentionally set up that way, so the sheep can just be shuffled through the system and no one will have to give a damn.
The next chapter is about Advocacy. The main point it makes is thet the squeaky wheel gets the grease, thus you must step up and yell, for no one is going to give a shit about your child unless you do, even if it is their official position to do so. It also says you need to do your research and be prepared, for the system will scam you into letting them be lazy if you do not.
This writer also discusses how to use the Press to your advantage. It is not just the squeaky wheel thet gets the grease, it is also the most familiar one.
The last chapter is about Adults With Autism.
A safety-net should not become a hammock. Once you sue the State into doing their job, do not get yourself trapped on Disability. I saw so much of this crap in Tucson, where the State had very good Social Services, but the majority of the people (I saw) receiving State-funded assistance were just useless parasites scamming the system so they would not have to work, and very few of them even had actual problems. They would fake an injury or "stress" so the drug-pushing puppet/whore of the pharmaceutical industry would put them on prescription meds and sign their Disability forms.
It was pathetic and disgusting and 1 of the reasons I left Arizona. The majority of people there were climbing into the safety-net for a hammock nap!
This book ends with a massive Reading List, and a mind-bogglingly-huge Resource Guide.
Books:
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DMS-IV)
Aspergers Syndrome: A guide for parents and professionals
Keys To Parenting the Child With Autism
Handbook of Autism and Pervasive Developmental Disorders
Thinking In Pictures: And other reports from my life with Autism
The Child with Special Needs: Encouraging intellectual and emotional growth
A Parent's Guide To Autism: Answers to the most common questions
Children With Autism and Asperger's Syndrome: A guide for practitioners and carers
High Functioning Individuals With Autism
The World of the Autistic Child: Understanding and treating Autism Spectrum Disorders
The Special Needs Reading List: An annotated guide to the best publications for parents and professionals
Children With Fragile X Syndrome: A parent's guide
Pretending To Be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome
Nobody Nowhere: The extraordinary autobiography of an Autistic
Living With Autism: The parents' stories
Just This Side of Normal: Glimpses into life with Autism
A Slant of Sun: One child's courage
When Bad Things Happen To Good People
Let Me Hear Your Voice: A family's triumph over Autism
The Siege: The first eight years of an Autistic child, with an epilogue fifteen years later
When Snow Turns To Rain: One family's struggle to solve the riddle of Autism
Children With Disabilities
Seizures and Epilepsy In Childhood: A guide for parents
Steps To Independence: Teaching everyday skills to children with Special Needs
Sleep Better! A guide to improving sleep for children with Special Needs
A Treasure Chest of Behavioral Strategies For Individuals With Autism
Right From the Start: Behavioral interventions for young children with Autism
The Out of Sync Child: Recognizing and coping with sensory integration dysfunction
Learning To Listen: Positive approaches for people with difficult behavior
Behavioral Intervention For Young Children With Autism: A manual for parents and professionals
Activity Schedules For Children With Autism: Teaching independent behavior
Parent's Survival Manual: A guide to crisis resolution in Autism and related Developmental Disorders
Toilet Training For Individuals With Autism and Related Disorders: A comprehensive guide for parents and teachers
The Child Who Never Grew
A Difference In the Family: Living with a disabled child
Autism Treatment Guide
Emergence: Labeled Autistic
Siblings of Children With Autism: A guide for families
Ian's Walk: A story about Autism
From the Heart: On being the mother of a child with a disability
Uncommon Fathers: Reflections on raising a child with a disability
Views From Our Shoes: Growing up with a brother or sister with Special Needs
Living With a Brother or Sister with Special Needs: A book for sibs
Everybody's Different: Understanding and changing our reactions to disabilities
Nobody's Perfect: Living and growing with children who have Special Needs
What About Me? Growing up with a Developmentally Disabled sibling
Andy and His Yellow Frisbee
Sensory Motor Issues
The Child's Point of View
Child Behavior: The classic child-care manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development
Children and Their Development
Ages and Stages: Developmental descriptions and activities, birth through eight years
Developmental Psychology
The First Three Years of Life
Autism: Identification, education, and treatment
Targeting Autism: What we know, don't know, and can do to help young children with Autism and related disorders
The Early Intervention Dictionary: A multi-disciplinary guide to terminology
Teach Me Language: A manual for children with Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, and related Developmental Disorders
Solving Behavior Problems In Autism: Improving communication with visual strategies
Visual Strategies For Improving Communication: Volume 1: Practical supports for school and home
Autism Through the Lifespan: The Eden model
Teaching Children with Autism: Strategies for initiating positive interactions and improving learning opportunities
Asperger's Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical solutions for tantrums, rage, and meltdowns
Teaching Children With Autism: Strategies to enhance communication and socialization
The Hidden Child: The Linwood Method of reaching the Autistic child
Negotiating the Special Education Maze: A guide for parents and teachers
The Complete Book of Insurance: The Consumer's Guide to insuring your life, health, property, and income
Better IEPs: How to develop legally correct and educationally useful programs
2000 Mercer Guide to Social Security and Medicare
Win-win IEP For Students With Autism: A how-to manual for parents and educators
Planning the Future: Providing a meaningful life for a child with a disability after your death
Financial Aid For the Disabled and Their Families
The Complete IEP Guide: How to advocate for your Special Ed child
Your Perfect Right: A guide to assertive living
Nothing About Us Without Us: Disability oppressions and empowerment
The Citizen's Guide to Lobbying Congress
How To Get Services by Being Assertive
How To Organize an Effective Parent/Advocacy Group and Move Bureaucracies
A Guide To Successful Employment for Individuals With Autism
Laying Community Foundations For Your Child With a Disability: How to establish relationships that will support your child after you are gone
Magazines and Newsletters:
AA News
ABTA News
The Advocate
The ARC
Autism Asperger's Digest
Autism Research Review International
Closing the Gap
Connections Newsletter
Disabilities Solutions
Exceptional Parent
Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders
Looking up: The monthly international Autism newsletter
MAAP Newsletter
The Morning News
NAARative
News Digest, Parent Guides, and Basics For Parents
Our Voice
Pacesetter Newsletter
PDD Network
Sib To Sib!
The Source
Resource Guide:
National organizations:
American Association of University Affiliated Programs
American Hyperlexia Association
The ARC Of the United States
ASPEN Of America
Autism Research Institute
Autism Society Of America
Beach Center On Families and Disability
Center For the Study Of Autism
Children's Defense Fund
Closing the Gap
Cure Autism Now
Division TEACCH
The Doug Flutie Jr Foundation for Autism
Epilepsy Foundation of America
Families For Early Autism Treatment
FRAXA Research Foundation
The Indiana Resource Center for Autism
International Rett Syndrome Asociation
Learning Disabilities Association of America
Lovaas Institute For Early Intervention
National Alliance For Autism Research
National Fragile X Foundation
National Information Center For Children and Youth With Disabilities
New Jersey Center For Outreach and Services For the Autism Community
PACER Center Inc
Sibling Support Project
TASH
Tourette Syndrome Association
Network of collaborative programs of excellence in Autism:
This list includes 51 organizations thet address the subject of Autism in some official way, including 698 State-run organizations, and 12 Internet resources.
It concluded with single paragraph biographies of the 11 contributors to this book.
So this book made me angry due to the appalling ignorance displayed. But it also has at least some topics for discussion, and a wonderful list of resources.
(*1) See Autistic Fluttershy refuse to participate in holiday festivities, in My Little Pony, Season 5, Episode 21, Scaremaster.
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A parents' guide
by Michael D Powers
The forward is written by Temple Grandin - this is why I bought the book without even glancing at the write-up on the back.
She says, "The Speech Therapist was 1 of those excellent teachers who had just the right instinct for working with children. She knew just how much to intrude into my world. If she pushed too hard, I had a tantrum. If she did not push at all there was no progress. She helped my brain to hear the hard consonant sounds by stretching out those sounds. I used to say 'bah' for 'ball' because I did not hear speech-sounds correctly. If adults spoke slowly I understood, but if they spoke fast it sounded like gibberish. I thought adults had a special 'grown-up' language."
Then there is an introduction by Bernard Rimland (the guy who proved Bettelheim was a cackling mad-man).
He says, "I was startled to find in Leo Kanner's Textbook of Childhood Psychiatry, case-histories of children who were identical to my son, Mark.
I quickly learned that it was uniformly believed by authorities in the field that Autism (thus Childhood Schizophrenia) were emotional disorders which occurred in children who were biologically Normal, when the children realized in some obscure way that their mothers did not love them enough. I remember how Mark screamed implacably in the nursery before he was even brought home from the hospital, and I wondered why these highly trained professionals, psychiatrists, neurologists, pediatricians, and psychologists were so convinced that Autism was caused by bad parenting rather than by an unknown biological factor. I read books by Bruno Bettelheim, who proclaimed thet Autistic children had been mistreated by their mothers in about the same way in which Nazi concentration-camp prisoners had been mistreated by their guards, making them withdraw from reality.
At this time, the mid-60s, there were only 2 methods used to 'treat' Autistic children - psychotherapy and drugs. Both of these methods were universally accepted and deeply entrenched. Parents were told, 'You caused this problem, and your child only has 1 chance, and that is for you to relinquish control to us and do as we say' (brain-frying drugs and useless talk-therapy for Sensory Processing Disorders!)."
There are 10 chapters, each 1 written by a sepret person, then all edited together by Michael. It provides an amazing array of points of view.
Girls, when affected, are more likely to be more seriously affected by symptoms of Autism. I am guessing this conclusion is jumped to because the milder forms of Autism are not as recognizable in girls as it is in boys. Thus, when it is noticeable it is because it is a severe case; i.e., I do not believe girls get worse cases than boys, we only notice the worst cases in girls. Though Autism remains thought of as a "White male disease" in general.
Michael points out the difference between "recovery", "cure", and "habilitation". Recovery is when the causes of the symptoms are eliminated, thus allowing the return of normalcy. Cure is when all symptoms miraculously disappear. Habituation is when they have simply learned over the years how to act normal.
Recently some Normal told me I did not seem very Autistic. I told him thet in my mind I wanted to flap my hands and spin in circles right now, I had just learned over the years how to pretend not to, and thet this is why Autism is thought of as something little kids have (kids impulsively spin and flap). Eventually those kids grow up and learn how to act Normal - but they are still Autistic.
Your child's Autism is not her sole characteristic. She is a multi-faceted personality like all the rest of us. Keep this in mind when planning her future. You must insist thet your child be treated as a (unique) learner first, and as a child who's learning is impaired by the symptoms of Autism second. You should always work for the best possible educational placement for your child.
I see so many Munchausen moron parents put 100% of their effort into accepting their Autistic child as a cripple, rather than realizing the unique way this child learns and nurturing that.
I just hate the useless school-system drilling drilling drilling the Autistic child in "working on their socialization" (they will never figure out), while their eccentric giftedness is never acknowledged, or even intentionally stifled (thus wasted). The school-system refers to this as "main-streaming". It is evil.
When we learned Mike was "Autistic-like" we almost at once began to see his enthusiasm as a weakness rather than a strength. It began to worry us thet we could never predict Mike's responses or the intensity of his reactions. We felt we always had to be on guard. Now in place of our alert, happy, "spirited" child, we saw a loud and demanding child who was "out of control!". Our focus had shifted from Mike to his Autism.
I saw my daughter Elle as a Faerie rather than a non-verbal Autistic. I think of her as a magical creature I need to figure out, rather than a damaged kid with weaknesses thet need to be controlled by drugging and drilling her into the appearance of normalcy.
The evil school system allows "teachers" to prescribe Ritalin to any child who is enthusiastic. These terrified ignoramuses honestly want a class-room full of lobotomized sheep and drooling zombies to "teach" how to mindlessly parrot what the system has to offer (100% of which is useless shit to start with!). Why don't they encourage the kids in the direction they are naturally attracted to (doing Astrology and Life Lessons charts on them on their first day of school).
You have to take Autism into account in almost all decisions you make about your child's medical well-being; even with a question as simple as, "How will your child react to having her teeth cleaned?" She might go into a spastic gag-reflex simply by having a toothbrush put into her mouth.
Then there is a list of medications commonly prescribed for Autistics, and what the writer thinks of them.
He immediately points out thet the medical profession only knows how to prescribe drugs to mask symptoms, rather than address causes. The example being drugs to prevent the child from severe head-banging or hand-flapping. These "behavioral problems" are Stims, invented by the child to relieve their own stress, and are necessary for the child's emotional well-being, but since they interfere with "education" (in a public school class-room which is the cause of the over-stimulating stress), they are drugged to oblivion. "There! Now the little drooling zombie can mindlessly parrot useless shit in public school without disturbing the rest of the Ritalin sheep."
Major tranquilizers are most frequently used on adults with severe psychiatric illnesses as well as on some children with Autism. 1 of the ways they work is by reducing the activity of dopamine, a chemical in the brain that acts as a neurotransmitter/messenger between nerve cells. In children with Autism, dopamine appears to regulate certain problem behaviors; e.g., self-injury, and stereotyped or [apparently] purposeless repetitive movements. By decreasing these behaviors, major tranquilizers may increase the attention-span of children with Autism and thus make them more able to learn.
I shall now explain what that paragraph actually says:
"Reducing the activity of neurotransmitters" is a chemical lobotomy. "Dopamine appears to regulate problem behaviors such as self-injury and purposeless repetitive movements"; self-injury, such as biting their fingers off or poking their eyes out. In my review of the book Biological Treatments For Autism and PDD, it said: Children with Calcium deficiency are much more likely to poke out their eyes. Treatment with Calcium supplementation prevents this behavior. But the medical profession only knows how to mask the symptoms (of a simple Calcium deficiency caused by the vaccine-damaged gut's inability to absorb nutrients properly), rather than address the cause. The child will poke their eyes out because their eyes hurt! The medical profession decides thet if they drug the kid to oblivion so they can no longer feel their own eyes, this will somehow "increase attention-span"! Meanwhile, they head-bang themselves bloody and bite their fingers off because they cannot feel anything! Drugging them to the extent thet they can no longer tell they cannot feel is insane! As is drugging them floppy so they can no longer engage in the "purposeless repetitive movements" which are actually necessary Stims!
"By decreasing these behaviors, major tranquilizers may increase the attention-span of children with Autism and thus make them more able to learn." If you are so drugged thet you cannot feel your own eyes, how does this make you more able to learn? It only makes the useless "teachers" more able to tolerate an over-populated class-room (they are terrified of). It is obvious the "learning" they are talking about is programing the zombies how to mindlessly parrot!
Side-effects of these medications include problems with movement (in a child who already has a bad sense of balance and depth-perception). Sometimes children will develop peculiar postures and muscle spasms (all Autistics, particularly the Aspies, are already awkward in movement); these side-effects can often be controlled by the addition of another type of medication (drugs prescribed to mask the symptoms of drugs prescribed to mask the symptoms of drugs prescribed to mask the symptoms ...). To some extent all tranquilizers produce dry-mouth (in a child who already has bad mouth co-ordination), constipation (when Autism is already an intestinal disorder), blurred vision (in eyes thet already hurt so much the kid would rather poke them out), changes in liver function, effects on blood cells, restlessness or agitation (the drug is prescribed to alleviate in the first place!), sensitivity of the skin to sun (exacerbating their Sensory Processing Disorders), and true allergic reactions. Often side-effects are dose-related, but sometimes individuals have side-effects even on low doses (especially if they are hyper-sensitive Autistics).
Even minor tranquilizers such as Valium and Librium may make children with Autism more agitated. Then why do you even mention the major tranquilizers above?
Special diets and high doses of vitamins and minerals may improve behavior and functioning of children with Autism. The results of research studies have been rather mixed. Probably the majority of children have little response.
Autism is an intestinal disorder! Eliminating Gluten (wheat (including semolina, durham, spelt, and kamut), rye, barley, and peanuts), Casein (milk in any form), Phenol (apples, pears, and bananas), Soy, Mold (mushrooms, corn, and melons), and Yeast tremendously alleviate the symptoms of Autism (as the Ketogenic Diet can cure some cases of Epilepsy), and have notable affect on Schizophrenia, Celiac, Crohn's, Bi-polar, Diabetes, and Acid-reflux. Anyone who says otherwise is a flat-out liar or a puppet/whore of the Pharmaceutical Industry. Probably the majority of children have little response. That is a flat-out lie!
It is a proven fact thet all Autistics improve with diet-change alone - because Autism is an intestinal disorder! See (my review of) the documentary film Autism Yesterday. Autism Is Reversible, wherein each of the 5 cases presented were outright cured with the GF/CF Diet.
This writer almost redeems himself by saying, "In general it is important to realize that education, rather than medication, offers the best chance for improving problem behavior in children with Autism." But: First of all, there are no "problem behaviors", there are only problematic symptoms; i.e., me having a rage-attack does not mean I have an "anger management problem". It means I have a rage-attack as a symptom of brain-poisoning caused by me ingesting Gluten. As Sharisa said, in the documentary Loving Lampposts, (to paraphrase) "I do not have a disease, I have a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders thet cause discomfort, especially in people like you!" And as Hans Asperger himself said, "One does not suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, they suffer from other people"; i.e., I do not have an anger management problem, you have an anger provocation problem. Stop touching me and making noise - it puts me into a rage. Your fault! Of course, now thet I have the Gluten out of my system I no longer have those rage-attacks. Things thet used to put me into a rage make me now only feel irritated and sometimes only merely annoyed.
Second, the education should be of both the parent and child. The child needs to now what Autism is, and how to control the symptoms of it naturally through diet, vitamins, Irlen Lenses, Audio Integration Training, etc.
I will never stop hating the medical doctors who got together with my mother behind my back and the 2 of them decided what drugs I should be put on to mask the symptoms of a disease I did not have. No one ever educated me about what (they thought) was wrong with me, in fact when I asked point blank, "What is this drug supposed to do?" The doctor looked at me with a "there-there, you infant" look on his face like he thought I was not intelligent enough to understand, and thus he intentionally withheld the answer from me, possibly thinking I might have a placebo-effect if I knew what the drug was even for! I hate them so much for treating me like a guinea-pig, and never acknowledging me as the actual patient! The doctor only spoke to the person paying the bill, in this case my Paranoid Schizophrenic, compulsive-liar, mother.
The next writer explain thet ear infections can be reduced by surgically installing ear-tubes to drain pus. Ear infections are caused by drinking milk, you imbecile! Now Frankenstein Mengela is not only prescribing chemical-lobotomy drugs to mask symptoms of bad diet, but actually physically cutting into the patient to install foreign objects! Then the moron adds insult to injury by declaring thet routine vaccinations are "needed", and "you should use Fluoride in the drinking water or in the toothpaste." Ofer Krysake; Fluoride causes Autism! This knot-head has no clue what Autism even is.
He goes on to blither about the finicky eating habits of Autistics, stating thet tantrums over food are common and can lead to self-inflicted malnutrition (which is true); then he uses as an example, "A child who refuses to eat dairy products may not develop strong bones and teeth." What an moron! Milk turns to acid in your system. To defeat the over-acidity the body dumps it's own Calcium into your system; this Calcium comes from your bones, thus drinking milk actually causes Osteoporosis! Then obviously milk contains Casein, which greatly exacerbates Autism symptoms.
He recommends consulting with a Dietician to assure the child is getting proper nutrition (I agree), but his stated main purpose of which is to eliminate the need for vitamin supplementation. The facts are, it is not possible to get proper nutrition from food alone, especially in the case of an Autistic who's intestines are so damaged (Leaky Gut Syndrome, Lactose Intolerance, hyper-sensitivity to Gluten and Casein, chronic intestinal Yeast Infections, Mal-absorption, etc.). Autistics need specific vitamins (sometimes in mega-doses) for life, no matter what their food intake consists of.
This numbskull almost redeems himself by saying, "You must sometimes decide whether your child would be better off suffering the symptoms of the medical condition than suffering the cure. Your child should always be involved in the discussion and decisions about her treatment."
As stated above, this never happened in my case; in fact the doctors intentionally withheld information. The child should receive every possible amount of education on the subject so they can manage (or at least participate in the management of) their own case.
I feel so disgusted when I see these horrible documentaries and movies about Autistic kids who's case is a Disaster while the parents and doctors know nothing about Autism themselves. These are utterly unfit parents for keeping their kids ignorant. And in most cases the parents (intentionally) also have no clue, due to the stupidity of Munchausen Syndrome. There is no excuse.
This writer does admit thet most doctors have no clue, and thus you need to search out a Pediatrician who knows something about Autism.
Not mentioned in this book is the listing of DAN! Doctors. DAN! stands for Defeat Autism Now, and there are many doctors who have endorsement from DAN!, thus making them qualified to at least offer an opinion.
Doctors who "specialize in Autism" do not have it themselves.
This chapter is concluded with Parent Statements. They include the likes of this:
After keeping us waiting for a hour and a half in a waiting room with no toys, the Doctor told us our son had "Autistic-like characteristics". I asked what we could do about this. Instead of talking about different therapies, special schools, diets, or drug therapies, she said there was nothing that could be done. She dismissed his whole life and potential value as a contributing member of society in 10 minutes.
This is what it was like for me concerning the dozen or so Doctors I was dragged to by my evil mother. None of them knew shit about anything, and all of them just wanted to poke pills down my throat to mask the symptoms of mental illnesses I did not have. Any time I tried to talk to them at all, they snapped back with a snotty sneering "What medical school did you go to!" I am the one who lives in this body and they had never asked me how that felt, and forcibly shut me up if I tried to tell them.
The next chapter says, "Your goal should always be to make your child part of the family and not the center of it." This is the problem thet makes it so 70% of couples with a Special child get divorced. Dad wants his family, Mom becomes obsessed with her child (sometimes even developing Munchausen Syndrome), to the neglect of everyone else; sacrificing the Family on the alter to the Special child. (See my review of the movie David's Mother ).
One reason children with Autism need consistency is thet they have trouble using the same skills with different people, places, or situations. This is called 'Poor Generalization'. For example, your child may demonstrate wonderful table manners at home but be a terror in a restaurant. This can be due to the child fixating on pattern recognition, thus if the pattern changes the kid freaks-out because they are simply lost in the unfamiliar, unable to find the reference-point. This creates anxiety, and, if not remedied, an eventual tantrum. To this day I do not like change, becoming angry if someone comes into my house and moves my things. I must have a place for everything and everything in it's place.
One cause of the problem with generalization is 'selective attention' or 'stimulus over-selectivity'. This means your child may over-focus on 1 aspect of a situation and not be able to respond unless that particular characteristic is present. Autistics have difficulty recognizing which characteristic to focus on.
In The Everything Parent's Guide, Adelle writes: Children with Autism struggle in a profound way with conceptual ideas. For example, she may associate leaving the house with putting on a coat. Now imagine that same child is outside without a coat on, and the temperature dropped dramatically. Although the child might have a coat with her, even in her hands, she will not put on the coat. Why not? Because she associates the coat with leaving the house, not with cold temperature.
Me becoming visually overwhelmed is caused by my inability to determine which aspect I should focus on, thus I see every detail as equal and it becomes so overwhelming thet I go into a rage because I cannot take it any longer. I put my hands over my eyes and roar in anger. Then I got my Irlen Lenses!
Another example (suggesting all horses are Autistic) is that of a girl and her horse. This girl had long blonde hair. She had this horse for many years, and had a wonderful relationship with it. Then the girl cut her hair. The horse was thus spooked by this "stranger" because, though the girl's scent, voice, and manner was still the same, the horse had only fixated on the long hair as a recognizable feature. Like a horse, the Autistic child will spook if you change the aspect they used as their reference-point.
And as with the table-manners example, the child appears to understand proper etiquette, but they do not. They are only behaving in a specific manner because they have the visual reference-point of the familiar dining-room. If you change that reference-point, by taking them to a restaurant, they spook, thus demonstrating thet they never did have a clue what table manners were - as the horse never did have a clue who that girl was.
This writer goes on to suggest you place your focus on "catching the child being good" rather than bad. This goes for all children - I suggest most people are bad at parenting because they think good behavior is expected, thus they only make a fuss when the child does something wrong. The ultimate example of this is the father who was a Fireman who neglected his (Normal) daughter. She realized he loved fire more than her, so she became a pyromaniac to get his attention. This is his fault, for he had (even if inadvertently) taught her thet she will only get his attention by being bad - he had apparently never praised her for being good.
This makes the parent the enemy to the child, resulting in sociopathic Anarchist bad behavior in the children if you give them the freedom to make their own choice; e.g., teenagers driving around at night, drunk, smashing mailboxes. This is an example of kids who were clearly never praised for being good, they were only punished for being bad. When left to their own devices they do not take pride in their own good aspects, instead they rebel (by intentionally being bad) over the perpetual punishment they received from parents who only saw the bad in them.
I feel very strongly about this. My parents were simply abusive, inventing ridiculous reasons to "discipline" me, when they were actually just monsters; e.g., utterly ignoring the fact I routinely got an A++ in art, they would spank me with a belt for flunking math (which was the incompetent teacher's fault; plus I am an Aspie, nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words - numbers are not words).
So this writer says you should use 10 praises for every 1 criticism, thus giving the child the reference-point of themselves as basically good.
Not all Autistics are necessarily gifted, but all of them do have Sensory Processing Disorders, most of which manifest as super-human senses. These things can be nurtured into a gift. But most parents only focus on the tantrum the child throws because the child is not able to handle the over-stimulation caused by those super-human senses. This over-stimulation is provoked by the moron parent trying to make the child act normal - repeatedly dragging them out into "social" situations wherein the child cannot help but be over-stimulated.
This was demonstrated clearly in the documentary Autism: The Musical, wherein the Autistic child Neal was dragged to his own birthday party (he had no ability to even understand the purpose of in the first place) by his idiot mother who tried to force him to act normal (she also forced him to pretend he had a clue what Hanukkah rituals were about - moron). He hated the party atmosphere, had no interest in interacting with the other children present, all of whom had been bribed or otherwise forced to pretend to be his friends for the day. He wound up into an anxiety-attack thet anyone who was not a deluded moron could have seen coming a mile away. His stupid mother kept up her fake plastic smiley face act of deluding herself thet her severely Autistic child was actually normal under the surface. Neal eventually threw a violent tantrum, throwing a smaller child to the ground. I roared at the screen telling this moron mother it was all her fault.
Later in the film, non-verbal Neal tells his mother thet she needs to be a better listener. No shit, Sherlock!
The point is, she never acknowledged his giftedness (in this case we never find out if he even has any), instead trying to make him act normal which only provoked "bad" behavior. Then he was told he had been bad for becoming violent, when the fact is she was bad for refusing to acknowledge his anxiety-attack and resulting tantrum. The focus had been on the delusions of his mother, then on punishing him for her provocation of the violence!
Rather than continually eliminating a series of problem behaviors, teach appropriate behaviors to take their place.
Meanwhile, when punishment is appropriate, do not assume the child feels punished. Normal children may feel punished by being sent to their room (the punishment being banishment from family interaction), but most Autistics prefer to be alone anyway, thus you are inadvertently rewarding them for the bad behavior thet resulted in them being sent to their room. You are teaching them thet if they do this specific bad behavior, it will result in them being allowed to go to their room alone where they wanted to be in the first place!
Spankings are another form of "punishment" thet never worked on me (not only because I never did anything to justify a spanking in the first place). I was so dissociative from the continual abuse (actually developing a Multiple Personality), and from the Autism, in thet my senses were so inaccurate I never trusted them anyway. Spankings just made all my senses turn off. And, typically Aspergian, I never acknowledged authority in the first place - the only reason I ever did anything my evil parents said was because I was a child and thus dependent on them, most emphatically not because I thought they had any right to tell me what to do.
Picture a parent screaming, "Stop yelling!", or spanking the child while saying, "No hitting!" While all children have trouble accepting the concept of "Do as I say, not as I do", children with Autism are especially confused by contradictions. Make sure you do not accidentally model behaviors you do not want your child to imitate.
Also, using vague phrases such as "Cut it out" or "Be good" will only confuse an Autistic child. Also recognize thet many of the things you may perceive as "bad behavior" are actually good for the child; such as when a child is spinning and flapping, you might say "Stop being a spaz", when the facts are the child is calming themself with this behavior, thus reducing being a spaz. Never tell an Autistic to calm down!
70% of children with Autism also have mental retardation.
I am not aware of that. From my perspective, most Autistics, or at least the Aspies, are geniuses (at least in some peculiar idiosyncratic way).
This writer goes on to suggest thet the reason many Autistics have difficulty toilet-training is because they are Retarded. This is completely wrong. The reason Classic Autistic kids shit their pants is because their senses are so inaccurate they may not feel the need to go. Their bodies are numb all over, and thus "accidents" will happen. After which, their sense of location in their own bodies is so vague, they do not notice their pants are full. "Mental Retardation" has nothing to do with it. Autism is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders, and has nothing to do with their level of intelligence!
Like every chapter in this book, this 1 ends with a few pages of single-paragraph-comments by assorted parents of Autistic kids.
With everything else involved in raising an Autistic child, I tend to give the least emphasis on his diet. I figure a lot of Normal kids survive on rotten diets, and I only have so many hours in a day. There is just no time to force-feed Lawrence every meal.
What an moron. Autism is an intestinal disorder, the most important thing you should spend time on is "force-feeding". Not to mention you are an unfit parent for not giving a shit if your Normal kids eat garbage. Idiot. This knot-head spends all her time fighting the symptoms of bad diet, caused by her! Duuuh.
Next chapter, new writer:
Mentioned here is the fact thet having a Special Child will inevitably result in emotional turbulence for Mom and Dad. If you notice yourself becoming unnecessarily short-tempered with your spouse or children, or that you are avoiding certain responsibilities, discuss these concerns with your spouse or family members. Try to arrive first at a clear definition of the problem, and then a solution.
We see this a lot in heated arguments, wherein the goal becomes fixing the blame rather than the problem. As the argument devolves into a fight, the actual problem thet caused this strife gets lost in the shuffle. Now they are fighting because they are angry, not because of the original problem.
He presents a Behavior Checklist for the basic diagnosis of Autism:
- Eating patterns (will only eat specific foods, or use specific utensils).
- Sleeping patterns (wakes often at night).
- Toileting problems.
- Self-stimulations (rocks, spins, and flaps).
- Resistance to change.
- Self-injury.
- Tantrums.
- Withdrawal (does not respond to other people).
- Aggression (attacks others when frustrated).
- Echolalia.
- Pronoun reversal (interchanges "I" and "You").
- Jargon in speech (invented words thet have an emotional definition to the child but are gibberish to anyone else).
Again the chapter ends with comments from assorted "parents":
"Doug simply could not handle any food with texture - he gagged, turned blue, and threw-up from 6 months on. Yoghurt became a Godsend to us. I never gave up. Now that he is 3 1/2, we have just started going to fast-food restaurants, and he happily eats french-fries, chicken nuggets, and milkshakes."
You already know I am going to say: "What an idiot!"
Along with the Tetanus shot, the Casein in yoghurt causes the space-case, Attention Deficit, out-of-body, numbness resulting in bad mouth co-ordination; i.e. feeding him yoghurt makes him choke and gag even more. Then she says she "never gave up", thinking of it as some sort of achievement thet the kid can now gag down horrible fast-food thet exacerbates Autism.
How appalling thet this ignorant "parent" has no clue what Autism even is.
Another so-called "parent" says: "Ryan's first love is the alphabet. He can recite it backwards just as fluently as forwards. He sees letters in every-day objects; holding a candy-cane upside-down and calls it a "J", takes a bite out of a Ritz cracker and it is a "C".
Like me, this Hyperlexic Aspie can recite the alphabet backward, and obsessively reads everything. This proves he has an intestinal yeast infection (the candy is made of sugar to feed the yeast), and is hyper-sensitive thus resulting in sensory over-load and inevitable tantrums (the cracker is made of Gluten which provokes a rage-attack).
It is so frustrating for me to see these ignorant parents wasting their energy trying to accept thet Autism cannot be cured, deluding themselves thet their place as a parent is to accept their handicapped child the way he is, rather than alleviating the symptoms with a simple diet-change.
Another moron parent says, "He is 6 and does not understand the concept of Christmas. We will all get our full Christmas Eve's rest, but would trade it in a heartbeat to watch him, just once, experience the excitement of Santa Clause."
Ofer Krysake. What a moron.
This is something I have always wanted to talk to other Autistics about; do any of them celebrate holidays? I cannot imagine they do. All holidays are social events, thus any Autistic would be averse to them, or at least the socialization surrounding them. (*1) And Autistics have difficulty understanding abstract concepts, like Santa Clause representing the Spirit of Giving (with baby Jesus absurdly mixed in). It is another example of appalling ignorance on the part of the parents who even try to make an Autistic pretend to be Normal in such a stupid way (me suggesting all holidays are stupid to start with). They want these kids to jump through the hoops of pretending to be Normal, when their definition of "Normalcy" is based on pointless cultural rituals rather than anything intelligent.
After a "Normal" teenager thrill-killed a stranger, saying he did it because he was bored, his mother wailed thet "He had a full-time day-job, and went to church every Sunday, so this should not have happened!"
I laughed in astonishment the first time I heard that. She had programmed her child to stumble through the hoops of pretended "normalcy", without ever teaching him to have conscience, ethics, or morals, nor even understand the point of anything social or cultural.
The above-mentioned morons are trying to do that same thing with Autistic kids who will never understand it in the first place.
Another says, "The holidays have come and gone with Ryan not understanding any concept surrounding them. I remember using the Holidays as a sort of gauge of his progress. Each Halloween I would say, 'Next year he will "get" this.' Now I do not bother guessing when and if that will happen. Still, on each Holiday I get at twinge in my heart and a tear in my eye; however it passes quickly because I realize Ryan's happiness is measured in every-day moments."
Today I am 50, and still have no interest in even acknowledging my own Birthday nor even Thanksgiving. What-the-hell is the point? I am Fluttershy.
Next Chapter, new writer.
There is no 1 curriculum for all children with Autism. Like any child, they have strong and weak points when it comes to learning. For example, some children with Autism have more trouble learning communication skills than they do learning cognitive skills. In Autism this discontinuity, or tendency to progress at different rates in different developmental areas, is 1 of the reasons Autism is so puzzling. Moreover, there can be uneven performance within a single area. For example, some have unique and very highly-developed visual perceptual skills and can read almost any word. Although this particular cognitive skill may be well above average, the same child may be completely unable to comprehend what she has just read.
This is also seen in Echolalia, wherein the kid has an exceptional memory for sounds, and impulsively repeats whatever they hear, while not understanding the context of that sound. They can repeat word-for word whatever anyone has said, with the exact accent and inflection, even if it is a language they have never heard before. They know the sound, but not the meaning.
Next chapter, on Legal Rights.
Since the diagnosis, my husband and I have added a new item to our household budget; money to retain a lawyer each year. You never get to talk to the school administrators, so you just get a lawyer.
The public school system is lazy and corrupt, all they want is identical cloned lemmings on Ritalin to shuffle through their pathetically useless system. If any child is a special case, they become vicious and try to drive the child out, which is illegal. Unfortunately, you have to sue them to force them to obey the law. I suggest this is the main reason having an Autistic kid is so expensive; you end up sending the kid to private tutors (while still paying taxes to run the useless parasite schools).
The law guarantees "appropriate" education, not "quality" education. What nagged me was that although I knew what my child needed, I did not know how much was appropriate to ask the school system to provide.
It is intentionally set up that way, so the sheep can just be shuffled through the system and no one will have to give a damn.
The next chapter is about Advocacy. The main point it makes is thet the squeaky wheel gets the grease, thus you must step up and yell, for no one is going to give a shit about your child unless you do, even if it is their official position to do so. It also says you need to do your research and be prepared, for the system will scam you into letting them be lazy if you do not.
This writer also discusses how to use the Press to your advantage. It is not just the squeaky wheel thet gets the grease, it is also the most familiar one.
The last chapter is about Adults With Autism.
A safety-net should not become a hammock. Once you sue the State into doing their job, do not get yourself trapped on Disability. I saw so much of this crap in Tucson, where the State had very good Social Services, but the majority of the people (I saw) receiving State-funded assistance were just useless parasites scamming the system so they would not have to work, and very few of them even had actual problems. They would fake an injury or "stress" so the drug-pushing puppet/whore of the pharmaceutical industry would put them on prescription meds and sign their Disability forms.
It was pathetic and disgusting and 1 of the reasons I left Arizona. The majority of people there were climbing into the safety-net for a hammock nap!
This book ends with a massive Reading List, and a mind-bogglingly-huge Resource Guide.
Books:
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DMS-IV)
Aspergers Syndrome: A guide for parents and professionals
Keys To Parenting the Child With Autism
Handbook of Autism and Pervasive Developmental Disorders
Thinking In Pictures: And other reports from my life with Autism
The Child with Special Needs: Encouraging intellectual and emotional growth
A Parent's Guide To Autism: Answers to the most common questions
Children With Autism and Asperger's Syndrome: A guide for practitioners and carers
High Functioning Individuals With Autism
The World of the Autistic Child: Understanding and treating Autism Spectrum Disorders
The Special Needs Reading List: An annotated guide to the best publications for parents and professionals
Children With Fragile X Syndrome: A parent's guide
Pretending To Be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome
Nobody Nowhere: The extraordinary autobiography of an Autistic
Living With Autism: The parents' stories
Just This Side of Normal: Glimpses into life with Autism
A Slant of Sun: One child's courage
When Bad Things Happen To Good People
Let Me Hear Your Voice: A family's triumph over Autism
The Siege: The first eight years of an Autistic child, with an epilogue fifteen years later
When Snow Turns To Rain: One family's struggle to solve the riddle of Autism
Children With Disabilities
Seizures and Epilepsy In Childhood: A guide for parents
Steps To Independence: Teaching everyday skills to children with Special Needs
Sleep Better! A guide to improving sleep for children with Special Needs
A Treasure Chest of Behavioral Strategies For Individuals With Autism
Right From the Start: Behavioral interventions for young children with Autism
The Out of Sync Child: Recognizing and coping with sensory integration dysfunction
Learning To Listen: Positive approaches for people with difficult behavior
Behavioral Intervention For Young Children With Autism: A manual for parents and professionals
Activity Schedules For Children With Autism: Teaching independent behavior
Parent's Survival Manual: A guide to crisis resolution in Autism and related Developmental Disorders
Toilet Training For Individuals With Autism and Related Disorders: A comprehensive guide for parents and teachers
The Child Who Never Grew
A Difference In the Family: Living with a disabled child
Autism Treatment Guide
Emergence: Labeled Autistic
Siblings of Children With Autism: A guide for families
Ian's Walk: A story about Autism
From the Heart: On being the mother of a child with a disability
Uncommon Fathers: Reflections on raising a child with a disability
Views From Our Shoes: Growing up with a brother or sister with Special Needs
Living With a Brother or Sister with Special Needs: A book for sibs
Everybody's Different: Understanding and changing our reactions to disabilities
Nobody's Perfect: Living and growing with children who have Special Needs
What About Me? Growing up with a Developmentally Disabled sibling
Andy and His Yellow Frisbee
Sensory Motor Issues
The Child's Point of View
Child Behavior: The classic child-care manual from the Gesell Institute of Human Development
Children and Their Development
Ages and Stages: Developmental descriptions and activities, birth through eight years
Developmental Psychology
The First Three Years of Life
Autism: Identification, education, and treatment
Targeting Autism: What we know, don't know, and can do to help young children with Autism and related disorders
The Early Intervention Dictionary: A multi-disciplinary guide to terminology
Teach Me Language: A manual for children with Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, and related Developmental Disorders
Solving Behavior Problems In Autism: Improving communication with visual strategies
Visual Strategies For Improving Communication: Volume 1: Practical supports for school and home
Autism Through the Lifespan: The Eden model
Teaching Children with Autism: Strategies for initiating positive interactions and improving learning opportunities
Asperger's Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical solutions for tantrums, rage, and meltdowns
Teaching Children With Autism: Strategies to enhance communication and socialization
The Hidden Child: The Linwood Method of reaching the Autistic child
Negotiating the Special Education Maze: A guide for parents and teachers
The Complete Book of Insurance: The Consumer's Guide to insuring your life, health, property, and income
Better IEPs: How to develop legally correct and educationally useful programs
2000 Mercer Guide to Social Security and Medicare
Win-win IEP For Students With Autism: A how-to manual for parents and educators
Planning the Future: Providing a meaningful life for a child with a disability after your death
Financial Aid For the Disabled and Their Families
The Complete IEP Guide: How to advocate for your Special Ed child
Your Perfect Right: A guide to assertive living
Nothing About Us Without Us: Disability oppressions and empowerment
The Citizen's Guide to Lobbying Congress
How To Get Services by Being Assertive
How To Organize an Effective Parent/Advocacy Group and Move Bureaucracies
A Guide To Successful Employment for Individuals With Autism
Laying Community Foundations For Your Child With a Disability: How to establish relationships that will support your child after you are gone
Magazines and Newsletters:
AA News
ABTA News
The Advocate
The ARC
Autism Asperger's Digest
Autism Research Review International
Closing the Gap
Connections Newsletter
Disabilities Solutions
Exceptional Parent
Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders
Looking up: The monthly international Autism newsletter
MAAP Newsletter
The Morning News
NAARative
News Digest, Parent Guides, and Basics For Parents
Our Voice
Pacesetter Newsletter
PDD Network
Sib To Sib!
The Source
Resource Guide:
National organizations:
American Association of University Affiliated Programs
American Hyperlexia Association
The ARC Of the United States
ASPEN Of America
Autism Research Institute
Autism Society Of America
Beach Center On Families and Disability
Center For the Study Of Autism
Children's Defense Fund
Closing the Gap
Cure Autism Now
Division TEACCH
The Doug Flutie Jr Foundation for Autism
Epilepsy Foundation of America
Families For Early Autism Treatment
FRAXA Research Foundation
The Indiana Resource Center for Autism
International Rett Syndrome Asociation
Learning Disabilities Association of America
Lovaas Institute For Early Intervention
National Alliance For Autism Research
National Fragile X Foundation
National Information Center For Children and Youth With Disabilities
New Jersey Center For Outreach and Services For the Autism Community
PACER Center Inc
Sibling Support Project
TASH
Tourette Syndrome Association
Network of collaborative programs of excellence in Autism:
This list includes 51 organizations thet address the subject of Autism in some official way, including 698 State-run organizations, and 12 Internet resources.
It concluded with single paragraph biographies of the 11 contributors to this book.
So this book made me angry due to the appalling ignorance displayed. But it also has at least some topics for discussion, and a wonderful list of resources.
(*1) See Autistic Fluttershy refuse to participate in holiday festivities, in My Little Pony, Season 5, Episode 21, Scaremaster.
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Eat Right For Your Type
by Peter J D'Adamo
He uses obscure words, such as Emeritus and Fealty, neither of which can I find in the dictionary, but this is otherwise an engaging read. As interesting as Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD without being so scientifically written, he tells stories to make his point rather than giving scientific lectures.
My first breakthrough came with the discovery thet 2 major diseases of the stomach were associated with blood type. The first was the Peptic Ulcer, a condition related to higher than average stomach acid levels. This condition was common in people with Type O blood. Type O patients did well on animal products and protein diets - foods thet require more stomach acid for proper digestion.
The second correlation was an association between Type A blood and stomach cancer. Stomach cancer was often linked to low levels of stomach acid production, as was Pernicious Anemia. Pernicious Anemia is related to a lack of vitamin B-12, which requires sufficient stomach acid for its absorption.
The key to the significance of blood type can be found in the story of human evolution: Type O is the oldest; Type A evolved with agrarian societies; Type B emerged as humans migrated north into colder territories; and Type AB was a thoroughly modern adaptation, a result of the intermingling of disparate groups. This evolutionary story relates directly to the dietary needs of each blood type today.
Type O:
The oldest and most basic blood type, the survivor at the top of the food-chain, with strong and ornery personalities [Vikings going forth and conquering] and immune systems capable of destroying anyone (Hunter/gatherers).
Type A:
The first immigrants, forced by the necessity of migration to adapt to more agrarian diet and lifestyle - with a more co-operative personality to get along in crowded communities (Farmers).
Type B:
The assimilator, adapting to new climates and the mingling of populations (City dwellers).
Type AB:
The delicate offspring of a rare merger between the tolerant Type A and the balanced Type B (Suburbanites).
Blood transfusions:
Blood Type A carried anti-B antibodies, thus Type B would be rejected by Type A.
Type B carried anti-A antibodies, thus Type A would be rejected by Type B.
Type A and Type B could not exchange blood.
Blood Type AB carried no antibodies. The universal receiver, it would accept any other blood type. But because it carried both A and B antigens, it would be rejected by all other blood types. Thus, Type AB could receive blood from everyone, but could give blood to no one except another AB.
Type O carried anti-A and anti-B antibodies, thus Type A, Type B, and Type AB would be rejected. Thus Type O could not receive blood from anyone but another Type O. But free of A-like and B-like antigens, Type O could give blood to everyone else. Type O is the universal donor.
Lectins are widely abundant in legumes, seafood, grains, and vegetables. It is hard to bypass them. The key is to avoid the lectins that agglutinate (literally glue to) your particular cells, determined by your blood type. For example, Gluten, the most common lectin found in wheat and other grains, binds to the lining of the small intestine, causing substantial inflammation and painful irritation in some blood types, especially Type Os.
This is why Autism is an intestinal disorder, and why it often affects blue-eyed blonds (Type O/Scandinavians) - they simply cannot tolerate Gluten.
Lectins vary widely, according to their source. For example, the lectin found in wheat has a different shape from the lectin found in soy, and attaches to a different combination of sugars; each of these foods is dangerous for some blood types, but beneficial for others.
Injections of lentil lectins into knee joint cavities of non-sensitized rabbits resulted in the development of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Many people with Arthritis feel that avoiding the nightshade vegetables such as tomatoes, eggplant, and potatoes seems to alleviate their Arthritis. That is not surprising since most nightshades are very high in lectins.
It has long ago been proven thet Arthritis is basically a food allergy.
See my review of the book Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, where in it was stated: Selective IgA deficiency: This common immunodeficiency occurs in 1 out of every 600 to 1,000 persons of White European ancestry. A number of patients with IgA deficiency are also sensitive to Gluten. In Gupta's study, 20% of the Autistic children had a deficiency in IgA, and 8% lacked it completely. IgA deficiency is somewhere between 100 and 200 times higher in Autistics compared to the normal Caucasian population.
There is a scientific barometer thet can be used to measure the presence of lectins in your system - a simple urine test called the Indican Scale which measures a factor called bowel putrefaction. When the liver and intestines do not properly metabolize proteins, they produce toxic by-products called Indols. The level of these toxic by-products is shown on the Indican Scale.
If you avoid foods containing toxic lectins proteins or foods thet are difficult for your particular blood type to digest, your Indican Scale will be low. If you consume foods high in lectins or difficult for your specific blood type to digest, your Indican Scale will be high, meaning you have a high carcinogenity of substances in you body. The Indican Scale shows thet a carcinogen entering your system is magnified to 90 times the effect of someone for whom it is not toxic. For example, if a Type A eats a processed or cured food, such as bologna, the nitrites are magnified 90 times in the negative impact they have because Type As are particularly susceptible to stomach cancer and the toxic effects of nitrites.
Overall, people of Caucasian ancestry tend to have more AA genes; people of African ancestry tend to have more OO genes; and people of Asian ancestry tend to have more BB genes. That is 1 reason why many people of African descent are lactose intolerant, even if they are Type B blood (a type thet usually benefits from dairy foods).
Interesting thet Swedes (blue eyed blond Vikings with Type O blood) have the highest rate of breast cancer, caused by them having the highest rate of milk ingestion.
High-protein diets are in vogue. By severely limiting carbohydrate, high protein diets force the burning of fats for energy and the production of keytones, which indicate a high rate of metabolic activity. The patients who lose weight on the high-protein diets are usually Type Os and Type Bs. You do not see many Type As who do well on these diets - their systems are biologically unsuited to metabolize meat as efficiently as Type Os and Type Bs.
Any time you see a new diet plan thet claims to work the same way for everyone, be skeptical.
The follwing is not from this book:
On bodyecology.com there is an article called The Little-known Link Between Autism and Blood Type:
As a wave of Autism reaches pandemic proportions (one in 94 boys in the US) a great deal of time and effort is going into exploring the causes and potential. Still, too many researchers are looking off in the wrong direction while major media outlets like CBS, ABC, and NBC ignore the fact that natural prevention and treatment of Autism is effective and works! Body Ecology has long championed a natural approach to preventing and treating Autism, with excellent success. I firmly believe we have unlocked the mystery of Autism and other disorders on the spectrum like Asperger’s, ADD, and ADHD, and can successfully and consistently eliminate this epidemic with our knowledge and diet that focuses on the wisdom of our bodies and the inner ecosystem. Blood type provides valuable information about our children that should be more widely understood.
Blood Type A: Roughly 8 out of 10 children with Autism are blood Type A [proving my theory thet Autistics are usually a specific blood type].
Blood type researcher Dr. Peter D’Adamo has also noted a marked prevalence of blood type A’s with Autism. "Being blood type A myself, I feel keenly attuned to the positive and negative aspects of living inside a body with the most sensitive blood type - one prone to infection and acidity.
I find it interesting that many of us who research and teach about health are blood Type As. Dr. Joe Mercola, Sally Fallon, Dr Peter D’Adamo, Dr Leonard Smith, and Jordin Rubin are all Type As.
In The Body Ecology Diet book I describe the differences between the blood types, based both on Dr. D’Adamo’s research as well as my own."
Back to the book:
Here are some general characteristics of blood Type A:
▪ In general, people with type A blood tend to have more sensitive constitutions and are more prone to diseases. Too much stress, from food, medicine, chemicals, hormones, and lifestyle stress, weakens their immunity much more quickly than other blood types.
▪ Low stomach acid and digestive problems are more common earlier in life for blood type A’s, even from birth.
▪ Low stomach acid may not seem like a big deal, but it is! When stomach acid (HCL) is low you will not digest proteins well. You will become protein malnourished even if you are eating adequate amounts of protein daily. If you are blood Type A take special care when eating animal proteins. Digestive enzymes and fermented food and drinks are mandatory for type A’s to maintain a healthy inner ecosystem. [Italian and French people drink wine with every meal and have relatively low heart disease; what is their blood type? I have no clue, but I know I am Type O blood and I hate wine. So I went to bloodbook.com and saw a listing of all the blood types prevalent in each specific country. Check it out.]
▪ When stomach acid is low Cortisol will be elevated. Research shows that protein malnourishment elevates the stress hormone, Cortisol. Signs of protein malnourishment in children are poor muscle tone and swollen bellies - common symptoms in Autism. When Cortisol levels remains chronically high it will affect your personality making you feel anxious and more of a perfectionist [typical of Autistics]. You will find it difficult to truly relax and sleep deeply - important for healing.
Elevated Cortisol also depletes your sexual hormones (estrogen, DHEA, progesterone, testosterone) [possibly exacerbating the common Autistic trait of apparent disinterest in sex] and one will age more quickly. When chronically elevated, Cortisol is called, “the death hormone”. Unfortunately, this means Autistic children are destined to age quickly and are more susceptible to hormone and sleep problems as they age unless this problem is addressed and conquered. For more on this important topic be sure to read Low Stomach Acid: The Risk, the Symptoms, and the Solutions.
▪ Low Stomach acid means mineral deficiencies. I have come to believe that minerals may be the most essential of all nutrients. They are essential for assimilation of protein. They keep your blood slightly alkaline so that viruses, fungi, bacteria, and cancer cells do not grow as easily. Of course, having said this, healthy fats are essential for assimilating minerals so in truth all the nutrients must be included in your diet each day and this is do-able with The Body Ecology Diet.
Knowing the special characteristics of people with blood Type A, it becomes easier to understand why Autism is more prevalent among this subset of the population. Their blood is more acidic, their immunity is weaker, their body repairs more slowly, and their inner ecosystems are more susceptible to imbalances and dysbiosis.
The good news is that The Body Ecology System of Health and Healing is ideally suited to bring the body and the inner ecosystem of blood type A children and adults (and all blood types) back into balance.
In my book, I provide special guidelines for healing foods and exercise for blood Type A individuals.
The Link: Blood Type A and Autism:
Researchers have found that children with Autism have inflammation in their brains. Their Cytokines, the chemicals produced by the immune system to organize attacks against pathogens, are always switched on, causing constant inflammation. Basically, these kids have infections in their brains.
They also have inflammation in their intestines. They have a fungal infection passed unknowingly from mother to child while in the womb or from the use of antibiotics soon after birth.
It makes sense, then, that blood Type A children, who are naturally more sensitive to immunological stresses, are more susceptible to developing Autism.
So, whether a child is blood Type A or not, immune function is key to preventing and treating the brain and gut infections that characterize Autism Spectrum Disorders.
For more on how to prevent and treat Autism, read What Every Woman Needs To Know NOW If She Ever Wants To Have a Baby.
The Natural Autism Solution is a dietary approach to help prevent and overcome:
▪ Autism
▪ ADD and ADHD
▪ Asperger’s Syndrome
▪ Other childhood disorders
I believe the increase in childhood developmental diseases and disorders is a wake-up-call for everyone, not just parents. In many ways, our modern lifestyles and modern medicine have brought about amazing changes - and yet, we have also moved far away from Mother Nature and the body’s innate healing abilities.
With a comprehensive holistic approach to Autism, children of all blood types can heal infection and live normal lives free from Autism and all other developmental disorders.
Concerning Epileptics, I Googled "Epilepsy blood type" and found this:
Type B blood group is prone to magnesium deficiency, which plays a crucial role in Epilepsy. Magnesium acts as a catalyst for metabolic machinery in the B’s blood type. B’s systems are very efficient at assimilating calcium, and thus risk creating an imbalance between their levels of calcium and magnesium. [This is why Calcium and Magnesium supplements are usually packaged together.] Believe it or not, this seemingly simple imbalance can lead to nervous disorders and many skin conditions (my sister, who has Type B blood, has grand mal seizures and eczema). B’s also have severe neurological reactions to vaccinations.
Squirmy leg ("Restless Leg Syndrome") is caused by a Magnesium deficiency. Perhaps Epilepsy is an extreme form of restless leg, resulting in actual seizures.
As for Schizophrenia:
Schizophrenia is linked to blood type:
We have isolated that Schizophrenia is largely linked to Blood Type O. Genetic predisposition to alcoholism runs in Blood Type A.
You can see manifestations of this clumping in the emotions: depression in Blood Type O, for instance.
Often they are not eating enough protein, and when they start eating more protein they begin to feel much better. Most notably, mental functioning improves, whether on or off medication.
Back to the book:
The Diet your Type B friend raves about may be inert, or even harmful, to your Type A system.
Then he says vitamins can be harmful unless regulated by your physician. This is utter BS. Look up Codex Alimentarius! The official web site says:
The Codex Alimentarius Commission, established by FAO and WHO in 1963 develops harmonized international food standards, guidelines and codes of practice to protect the health of the consumers and ensure fair trade practices in the food trade. The Commission also promotes co-ordination of all food standards work undertaken by international governmental and non-governmental organizations.
What it actually is is the international banning of vitamins! It is already law in Germany and Finland where you can only get vitamins by a doctor's prescription, and as we know all doctors are merely puppet/whores of the utterly corrupt drug-pushing Pharmaceutical Industry. Codex Alimentarius is evil! Dr Frankenstein Mengele only makes money off of sick people, thus he will tell you out-right not to take vitamins, and refuse to give you a prescription for them.
The belief thet personality is determined by one's blood type is held in high regard in Japan. Corporate managers use it to hire workers, market researchers use it to predict buying habits, and most people use it to choose friends, romantic partners, and lifetime mates. Vending machines offer on-the- spot blood type analysis. The book You Are Your Blood Type has sold 6 million copies in Japan.
You will lose weight on the Type O Diet by restricting your consumption of grains, breads, legumes, and beans. The leading factor in weight gain for Type Os is Gluten found in wheat germ and whole wheat products. It acts on your metabolism to create the exact opposite of the state of ketosis. Instead of keeping you lean and in a high-energy state, the Gluten lectins inhibit your insulin metabolism, interfering with the efficient use of calories for energy. I have seen overweight Type Os, who had been unsuccessful with other diets lose weight quickly solely by eliminating wheat from their diets.
Type Os have a tendency to have low levels of thyroid hormone. This occurs when Type Os do not produce enough iodine. The symptoms of which include weight gain, fluid retention, muscle loss, and fatigue.
Then he presents an elaborate list of foods considered beneficial, neutral, and harmful for Type Os, along with explanation of why and how each food works in the Type O system. He includes interesting details about the typically thin non-clotting blood of Type Os, resulting in his recommendation of very high consumption of fish oils, which help prevent Crohn's and Colitis, which Type Os are especially prone to.
Then he goes onto explain the specifics concerning each blood type:
Type O:
I have been labeled by naturopaths as a "Vitamin C Needer"; i.e., I need massive doses of Vitamin C to help with the bleeding disorders of Type Os. Specifically my non-clotting blood which makes me gush blood for hours if I cut myself, and my bleeding gums (Type O women will probably be prone to terrible menstrual cramps).
If I take my mega-vitamins regularly I heal amazingly fast, no longer bleed like a stuck pig, nor do my gums ever bleed. Crohn's and Colitis can be loosely defined as "bleeding disorders", for the first half of my life I had bleeding Colitis, as do many Autistics.
Make seafood a major component of the Type O Diet. Type Os should restrict their use of dairy products.
Type Os should strictly avoid Gluten because it causes "sluggish metabolism." This is why the traditional practice of "carbo-loading" does not work for Type O me. When athletes prepare for marathons, the previous day they will intentionally eat nothing but mega-carbos because it burns slower as an energy source - as opposed to proteins which burn off immediately. For me, it is the opposite - if I "carbo-load" I have chronic fatigue the next day! No marathons for me. But if I eat mostly halibut and oysters I feel great.
He goes on to say thet Type Os should avoid cabbage, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, and mustard greens because they weaken Thyroid function (in Type Os). Whereas vegetables rich in vitamin K help blood clot in the profusely bleeding Type Os. These include kale, collard greens, romain lettuce, broccoli, and spinach.
Alfalfa sprouts irritate the digestive tract, and molds trigger allergic reactions in Type Os.
Nightshade (potatoes, tomatoes, and eggplant) cause arthritic conditions in Type Os, and corn lectins affect the production of insulin, causing diabetes in type Os.
He goes on to list 34 vegetables thet are beneficial, 51 thet are neutral, and 51 thet are harmful for type Os.
Next comes fruit: plums, prunes, and figs are good for Type Os. Melons are high in mold and must be strictly avoided. And acidic fruit like citrus and berries are bad. Also, all Type Os are extremely sensitive to any coconut products.
He goes on to list the 3 beneficial, 42 neutral, and 9 harmful fruits; and long lists of juices, teas, and herbs.
Type Os have an especially high need for Vitamin K, which heals intestinal disorders such as Autism.
For Type Os, any stress goes to the muscles, which requires Type Os to be in perpetual motion to relieve the tension; i.e. relaxation techniques are the polar opposite of what Type Os needs to relieve stress. They must instead work-out vigorously. This is the equivalent to Autistics needing to frantically Stim to calm themselves. If you are a Type O Autistic, vigorous exercise is mandatory, along with chiropractic and intense massage. I used to play drums in a frenzy for several hours every day, then go on 10-mile walks, and still would have anxiety-attacks in my sleep and thus need to go run in order to get back to sleep. Masturbating 4 times a day (in a state of absolute rage because all women were afraid of me) was necessary but relatively useless for relieving stress; I had to run, play drums, or do riot-control (beating a large rope with a ax handle) before I started to calm down. This is because I am a Type O Autistic.
Then you add Aries to the mix, and I scare the crap out of people with my hot vibe. This plays into the typical Asperger problem of scaring away potential mates with our emotional intensity. I came to the conclusion thet all people were Paranoid Schizophrenics who were so afraid of their own feelings they were thus afraid of mine - the pathetic weaklings.
Most of the overstimulation thet led me to Autistic meltdowns were caused by light; me being able to see Ultra-violet, I was in a perpetual state of anger which inevitably led to rage-attacks if I did not be frantically physical to calm myself.
If I had been on this Type O Diet, along with the GF/CF Diet, all my life, I would have been the totally different person I am today – known as even-tempered and level-headed with a very calm vibe.
My Paranoid Schizophrenic parents were terrified of me simply needing to work out all the time. They were so horrifically damaging, trying to make me calm down – with the perpetual look of fear in their eye.
I hate stimulation! I wanted to do those things as a way to calm myself and be rid of the over-stimulation thet caused the Autistic meltdowns. There is nothing more absolutely damaging than to try to calm a Stimming Autistic! They should be put naked in a padded cell with a punching bag and a riot control baton. Let then have a rage of violence (in that controlled environment) to calm themselves, then they would sleep soundly for the first time in their life, and wake up with a smile on their face.
If you are Type O, you have the immediate and physical response; stress goes directly to your muscles. Your blood type carries a patterned alarm response thet permits intense physical energy. Type Os are meant to release built-up hormonal forces through vigorous and intense exercise [Like I said].
Type A:
Type As flourish on vegetarian diets.
It is particularly important for Type As to get their foods in as natural of state as possible. Type As are biologically predisposed to heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. They are the exact opposite of Type Os when it comes to metabolism. While animal foods speed up the Type Os, Type As feel sluggish unless they eat vegetable protein. Type As should eliminate all meats from their diets. Stay completely away from processed meats; they contain nitrites which promote stomach cancer in people with low levels of stomach acid.
As with the Type O’s section, he presents elaborate lists of the foods, vitamins, and herbs Type As should or should not eat.
Type As immune system is designed to reject anything B-like. The antibodies it creates to ward off B antigens will also reject whole-milk products.
Peanuts and pumpkin seeds are highly beneficial for As.
Type As thrive on vegetable proteins and legumes, and generally do well on cereals and grains.
Type As do best when their tissues are slightly alkaline – in direct contrast with Type Os.
Type As must avoid fermented foods, molds, and nightshade.
Type As should eat fruit 3 times a day, but avoid oranges, while consuming pineapple. This is all explained in detail.
Type As have an extremely delicate chemistry. They should avoid acidy tomatoes, but consume acidy wine. He explains exactly why in detail.
The Type Os have a very black-and-white diet. But the Type A’s is very complicated. Read the book.
Type As should be alert to vitamin B-12 deficiency. And because of their higher rates of stomach cancer caused by low stomach acid, they can benefit from additional supplements of vitamin C.
He recommends a long list of herbs specifically for Type As, explaining in detail exactly what they do.
He also recommends yoga, Tai Chi, and meditation to relieve stress in Type As, as opposed to vigorous exercise (Stimming) for Type Os.
Interjected for every Type are anecdotes about famous people of the specified blood-type. Type O Ronald Reagan “The Teflon President” was never fazed no matter the stressor. Type Os were typically the Viking personality types, exhilarated by action, adventure, and vigorous exercise. Whereas Type As were very sensitive and would become paranoid and wincing when stressed.
He gives some examples of Type A leaders: Richard Nixon, who immediately ended the stressful Vietnam war, and opened up trade with stressful enemy China, while amassing a paranoid collection of Watergate tapes.
Also Adolph Hitler! A very sensitive vegetarian who never drank alcohol, loved animals and children, but became paranoid when dealing with stressful people. His Aries personality would lead him into stress his Type A chemistry could not handle, and he eventually went mad.
Type Os need to kill a cow and eat it, and engage in recreational boxing. Type As need to eat salad, do yoga, and take a nap.
Type B:
The sturdy and alert Type Bs are usually able to resist many of the most severe diseases such as cancer and heart disease. Even when they do contract these diseases, they are more likely to survive them. But their systems are more prone to exotic immune system disorders such as MS and Lupus.
For Type Bs, the biggest factor in weight-gain is corn, buckwheat, lentils, peanuts, and sesame. All of them effect the efficiency of your metabolic process, resulting in fatigue, fluid retention, and Hypoglycemia.
Type Bs are similar to Type Os in their reaction to Gluten, but the moderate consumption of dairy foods actually help Type Bs achieve metabolic balance.
Chicken contains Type B agglutinating lectin which attack Type B blood, leading to possible strokes and immune disorders.
Type Bs thrive on seafood but should avoid shellfish. It is interesting to note thet many of the original Type Bs were Jewish tribes thet forbade the consumption of shellfish.
Type Bs are the only blood type thet can enjoy a variety of dairy foods. However, there are ancestral idiocyncracies: Most Asian diets are low in milk products, while their soy-based diets are damaging to them. Type B blood is barely represented in Africans who are usually lactose intolerant.
Many legumes contain lectins thet interfere with insulin production in Type Bs.
Type Bs and Type As suffer strong reactions to tomatoes. Corn is also off your list.
Type Bs do best on warming herbs like ginger, horseradish, curry, and cayenne. Sweet herbs like barley malts, corn syrup, cornstarch, and cinnamon are stomach irritants. Ginseng and licorice are highly recommended for Type Bs.
Type Bs risk Magnesium deficiencies.
As for personality, Type Bs are ordered and harmonious. Jewish traditions of Kosher diet, homogenous culture, and religious spirituality is typical of Type Bs. Most Asians are also Type B blood, resulting in their homogenous cultures, sea-food diets, and ritualized politeness - as opposed to the red-meat-eating Viking temperament of Type Os, or the vegetarian Stress-kitten temperament of Type As.
Type AB:
Blood Type AB is less than 1,000 years old, less than 5% of the population, and biologically complex.
ABs need some meat protein, especially lamb, mutton, rabbit, and turkey, instead of beef; and stay away from chicken. Also avoid smoked meats which can cause stomach cancer in people with low levels of stomach acid.
You also share the Type A susceptibility to breast cancer. The edible snail, Helix pomatia, contain powerful lectins thet specifically agglutinates mutated A-like cells for 2 of the most common forms of breast cancer. It is interesting to note thet 47% of French people are Type A blood, and thus they consider snails a delacasy. Jews cannot eat shellfish, while the French eat snails and wine - this is not a coincidence, it coincides with their blood type.
You benefit from dairy products, especially those cultured and soured.
Eggs are a good source of protein for Type ABs.
Generally, you do well on grains, but need to limit your wheat consumption because it is highly acid-forming.
Oats, soy, millet, and rice are good for Type ABs, but you must avoid buckwheat and corn.
ABs must avoid mango and guava, but pineapple is an excellent digestive aid. Since vitamin C is an important antioxidant, especially for stomach cancer prevention, eat other vitamin C-rich fruits such as grapefruit and kiwi. Banana lectins interfere with Type AB digestion. Red wine is good for Type ABs.
Type ABs have the exact stress pattern of Type As. They react to stress as intellectual alarm. Type ABs remain in a naturally tense state, which can produce heart disease and cancer. Exercise like Tai Chi and Hatha Yoga are calming and centering for Type ABs. The key is your mental engagement on your physical activity.
It is almost funny how different this is from the Type O Vikings who invented the Berzerker; they had the ability to work themselves into a frenzy and run naked into battle, literally foaming at the mouth - "mental engagement" not part of the equation. Their Type O physicality was amplified to outright psychotic levels of activity, which they enjoyed!; whereas the type AB absolutely need to rest, relax, do Yoga and Tai Chi, and take a nap.
As for personality, the Type AB is a somewhat flaky nature thet embraces all aspects of life without being particularly aware of the consequences. The AB immune system is also the best friend to nearly every virus and disease on the planet. These qualities make the AB very appealing and popular. It is easy to like people who welcome you with open arms, do not hold grudges, and always say the most diplomatic things. But the Type ABs immune systems are equally indiscriminate.
JFK and Marilyn Manroe were both Type AB. There was a public connection to them so intense thet it haunts the American psyche to this day. But for all their luster, their charisma exacted a heavy toll.
All drugs are poisons. An excellent example is the diffuse arsenal of drugs used by oncologists for chemotherapy. In the process of destroying cancer cells, these drugs indiscriminately attack healthy cells (resulting in chemo patients’ hair falling out). Sometimes chemotherapy works in killing fast-growing cells like cancer, but the patient dies of complications related to the treatment.
Aspirin can mask the symptoms of infection, Antihistamines and cough medicines can raise blood-pressure, laxatives can actually cause constipation.
If you are pregnant with Type O or Type B blood, the flu vaccine holds special dangers for the fetus, especially if the father is Type A or Type AB blood (see what is said below about miscarriages).
Antibiotics cut off immune response; your body’s responsibility for fighting an infection has been taken over by medication.
Type Os should avoid penicillin-class antibiotics. I am Type O and allergic to Penicillin. Erythromycin, Biaxin, and Zithromax can aggravate the bleeding tendencies of Type Os.
Carbacephem-class antibiotics such as Lorabid work well for Type As. Most Type As respond well to penicillin-class and sulfa-class antibiotics. These are preferable to tetracycline or acrilide-class antibiotics such as Zithromax of Clarythomycin. Both of these can cause digestive problems and interfere with iron metabolism.
He also recommends vitamins A and C in mega doses before surgery, to assure quick healing for all blood types.
Then he points out thet physical therapy and strong physical activity can help Type Os recover from surgeries, while relaxation, meditation, and visualization can be beneficial for the high-strung Type As and Type ABs.
Wheat is poison to Type Os.
He explains the difference between a food allergy and a food sensitivity; i.e., why being lactose intolerant does not necessarily mean you are allergic to milk.
Next, this book addresses more specifics: Arthritis, Chronic Fatigue, MS, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Pernicious Anemia, Clotting Disorders, Cardiovascular Disease, High Blood Pressure, Conjunctivitis, Diarrhea, Ear Infections, Hyperactivity and Learning Disabilities, Strep Throat, Mono, and Mumps.
For each of these he presents several Case Histories, showing how, in every case, putting these patients on their individual Blood Type Diets cured, or at least notably alleviated the syptoms of, their assorted disorders.
This includes his discovery thet Conjunctivitis (Pink-eye) can be alleviated in a Type A and Type AB patient with the clear juice from a fresh tomato - tomatoes (Deadly Nightshade) otherwise being poison to humans. This clear juice can also cure Strep Throat.
He recommends Rose Hip Vitamin C, and extract of Western Larch as super immune-boosters.
As for Hyperactivity specifically, he says, There are a variety of causes for ADD, and we still need much more information before we can make a conclusive blood type connection. We can however gain some insight from our knowledge of how different blood types respond to their environment; e.g., Type O children are happier, healthier, and more alert when they are given the opportunity to exercise to their maximum potential. A Type O child with ADD should be encouraged to exercise as much as possible.
See my review of the documentary Aut-erobics, wherein the specific Autism aspect of this is addressed.
Type O Autistics need to Stim frantically to calm themselves, whereas Type AB Autistics need to retreat to a cardboard box.
Diabetes is often observed in Type Os who have eaten dairy, wheat, and corn products for many years; and in Type As who eat a lot of meat and dairy.
Digestive illnesses, such as Constipation, Crohn’s Colitis, Irritable Bowel, Food-poisoning, and Ulcers:
Type A and Type AB are more likely to fall prey too Salmonella.
Type Bs, who are generally more susceptible to inflammatory diseases, are more likely to be severely affected when they eat food thet is contaminated with Shigella that causes Dysentery.
Type Os are a favorite target for bacteria known to cause ulcers.
Viral infections seem to be more frequent in Type Os.
Bronchitis and Pneumonia:
Type A children born to Type A fathers and Type O mothers die more frequently of broncho-pneumonia in early life.
Cholera:
A recent epidemic of Cholera in Peru was attributed to the high incidence of Type Os in Peru; according to bloodbook.com 100% of Peruvians have Type O blood.
Antibiotics are not effective against viruses. They only work for infections.
Plague, Typhoid, Smallpox, and Malaria:
Type Os are especially susceptible to Smallpox, which probably explains why Native Americans were decimated by it when they came in contact with the Type A and Type AB European settlers who carried it. Native Americans are almost 100% Type O blood.
The Anopheles Mosquito prefers to bite people with Type B and Type O blood - whereas the common mosquito prefers the taste of Type A and AB blood.
Polio, Parasites, Sinus infections, and Meningitis are addressed.
Parasites can live fairly well in anyone’s digestive tract, but, by and large, they have a preference for Type A and Type AB digestive tracts, mimicking the Type A blood antigen to avoid detection.
Syphilis, Urinary Tract Infection, alcohol-related liver disease, gall-stones, Cirrhosis, Jaundice, liver flukes, skin disorders, menstruation and pregnancy problems are addressed.
A study of 288 miscarriages showed a predominance of Type A, Type B, and Type AB fetuses, all from Type O mothers.
Does this suggest the mother’s Type O system is rejecting the other-blood-typed fetus just as it would reject the other blood in transfusions?
Cancer:
There is undeniable evidence that persons with Type A and Type AB blood have an overall higher rate of cancer and poorer odds of survival then Type O and Type B.
I am beginning the 8th year of a 10-year trial on reproductive cancers, using the Blood Type Diets. My results are encouraging. So far, the women in my trial have double the survival rate published by the American Cancer Society. I expect to make it scientifically demonstrable that the Blood Type Diet plays a role in cancer remission.
While taking case-histories on new patients, I began to notice that many women who had suffered from breast cancer at some time in their distant past and had fully recovered were Type Os or Type Bs. Their rate of recovery was especially impressive since most of them told me their treatment was not very aggressive.
Researchers reported that it is possible to predict whether or not a breast cancer would spread to the lymph nodes when treated with a strain containing a lectin from the edible snail Helix Pomatia. They reported a strong association between the uptake of the snail lectin and the subsequent development of matastasis to the lymph nodes. The antigens on the surface of the cancer cells were changing, and this change was allowing the cancer to spread to the lymph nodes. The lectin of Helix Pomatia is highly specific to blood Type A.
As the cancer cells changed, they made themselves more A-like. This allowed them to bypass all the type A blood body’s defenses and rage unimpeded into the defenseless lymph nodes.
The theory thet the risk of getting breast and lymph cancer runs in families is true - it runs in the blood types of the families; however, the risk for colon cancer is related to diet, lifestyle, and temperament, not blood type. A high-fat diet, combined with smoking and drinking, create the ideal environment for digestive cancers.
Stomach cancer is attracted to low levels of stomach acid, a Type A and Type AB trait. Stomach cancer is epidemic in China, Japan, and Korea where most people have Type AB blood.
1 puzzling connection that is yet to be unraveled is that wheat germ agglutinin, the lectin that acts favorably against lobular and intraductal breast cancers, paradoxically accelerates the growth of bladder cancer cells.
One study of Japanese immigrant women living in San Francisco showed that they had twice the rate of breast cancer as their cousins living in Japan – no doubt due to a change in dietary habits.
For all of these blood types he lays out elaborate meal-planning schedules, and even recipes.
I am adhering strictly to this diet myself, and it has notably helped in the alleviation of my Autism symptoms.
Excellent book.
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by Peter J D'Adamo
He uses obscure words, such as Emeritus and Fealty, neither of which can I find in the dictionary, but this is otherwise an engaging read. As interesting as Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD without being so scientifically written, he tells stories to make his point rather than giving scientific lectures.
My first breakthrough came with the discovery thet 2 major diseases of the stomach were associated with blood type. The first was the Peptic Ulcer, a condition related to higher than average stomach acid levels. This condition was common in people with Type O blood. Type O patients did well on animal products and protein diets - foods thet require more stomach acid for proper digestion.
The second correlation was an association between Type A blood and stomach cancer. Stomach cancer was often linked to low levels of stomach acid production, as was Pernicious Anemia. Pernicious Anemia is related to a lack of vitamin B-12, which requires sufficient stomach acid for its absorption.
The key to the significance of blood type can be found in the story of human evolution: Type O is the oldest; Type A evolved with agrarian societies; Type B emerged as humans migrated north into colder territories; and Type AB was a thoroughly modern adaptation, a result of the intermingling of disparate groups. This evolutionary story relates directly to the dietary needs of each blood type today.
Type O:
The oldest and most basic blood type, the survivor at the top of the food-chain, with strong and ornery personalities [Vikings going forth and conquering] and immune systems capable of destroying anyone (Hunter/gatherers).
Type A:
The first immigrants, forced by the necessity of migration to adapt to more agrarian diet and lifestyle - with a more co-operative personality to get along in crowded communities (Farmers).
Type B:
The assimilator, adapting to new climates and the mingling of populations (City dwellers).
Type AB:
The delicate offspring of a rare merger between the tolerant Type A and the balanced Type B (Suburbanites).
Blood transfusions:
Blood Type A carried anti-B antibodies, thus Type B would be rejected by Type A.
Type B carried anti-A antibodies, thus Type A would be rejected by Type B.
Type A and Type B could not exchange blood.
Blood Type AB carried no antibodies. The universal receiver, it would accept any other blood type. But because it carried both A and B antigens, it would be rejected by all other blood types. Thus, Type AB could receive blood from everyone, but could give blood to no one except another AB.
Type O carried anti-A and anti-B antibodies, thus Type A, Type B, and Type AB would be rejected. Thus Type O could not receive blood from anyone but another Type O. But free of A-like and B-like antigens, Type O could give blood to everyone else. Type O is the universal donor.
Lectins are widely abundant in legumes, seafood, grains, and vegetables. It is hard to bypass them. The key is to avoid the lectins that agglutinate (literally glue to) your particular cells, determined by your blood type. For example, Gluten, the most common lectin found in wheat and other grains, binds to the lining of the small intestine, causing substantial inflammation and painful irritation in some blood types, especially Type Os.
This is why Autism is an intestinal disorder, and why it often affects blue-eyed blonds (Type O/Scandinavians) - they simply cannot tolerate Gluten.
Lectins vary widely, according to their source. For example, the lectin found in wheat has a different shape from the lectin found in soy, and attaches to a different combination of sugars; each of these foods is dangerous for some blood types, but beneficial for others.
Injections of lentil lectins into knee joint cavities of non-sensitized rabbits resulted in the development of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Many people with Arthritis feel that avoiding the nightshade vegetables such as tomatoes, eggplant, and potatoes seems to alleviate their Arthritis. That is not surprising since most nightshades are very high in lectins.
It has long ago been proven thet Arthritis is basically a food allergy.
See my review of the book Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, where in it was stated: Selective IgA deficiency: This common immunodeficiency occurs in 1 out of every 600 to 1,000 persons of White European ancestry. A number of patients with IgA deficiency are also sensitive to Gluten. In Gupta's study, 20% of the Autistic children had a deficiency in IgA, and 8% lacked it completely. IgA deficiency is somewhere between 100 and 200 times higher in Autistics compared to the normal Caucasian population.
There is a scientific barometer thet can be used to measure the presence of lectins in your system - a simple urine test called the Indican Scale which measures a factor called bowel putrefaction. When the liver and intestines do not properly metabolize proteins, they produce toxic by-products called Indols. The level of these toxic by-products is shown on the Indican Scale.
If you avoid foods containing toxic lectins proteins or foods thet are difficult for your particular blood type to digest, your Indican Scale will be low. If you consume foods high in lectins or difficult for your specific blood type to digest, your Indican Scale will be high, meaning you have a high carcinogenity of substances in you body. The Indican Scale shows thet a carcinogen entering your system is magnified to 90 times the effect of someone for whom it is not toxic. For example, if a Type A eats a processed or cured food, such as bologna, the nitrites are magnified 90 times in the negative impact they have because Type As are particularly susceptible to stomach cancer and the toxic effects of nitrites.
Overall, people of Caucasian ancestry tend to have more AA genes; people of African ancestry tend to have more OO genes; and people of Asian ancestry tend to have more BB genes. That is 1 reason why many people of African descent are lactose intolerant, even if they are Type B blood (a type thet usually benefits from dairy foods).
Interesting thet Swedes (blue eyed blond Vikings with Type O blood) have the highest rate of breast cancer, caused by them having the highest rate of milk ingestion.
High-protein diets are in vogue. By severely limiting carbohydrate, high protein diets force the burning of fats for energy and the production of keytones, which indicate a high rate of metabolic activity. The patients who lose weight on the high-protein diets are usually Type Os and Type Bs. You do not see many Type As who do well on these diets - their systems are biologically unsuited to metabolize meat as efficiently as Type Os and Type Bs.
Any time you see a new diet plan thet claims to work the same way for everyone, be skeptical.
The follwing is not from this book:
On bodyecology.com there is an article called The Little-known Link Between Autism and Blood Type:
As a wave of Autism reaches pandemic proportions (one in 94 boys in the US) a great deal of time and effort is going into exploring the causes and potential. Still, too many researchers are looking off in the wrong direction while major media outlets like CBS, ABC, and NBC ignore the fact that natural prevention and treatment of Autism is effective and works! Body Ecology has long championed a natural approach to preventing and treating Autism, with excellent success. I firmly believe we have unlocked the mystery of Autism and other disorders on the spectrum like Asperger’s, ADD, and ADHD, and can successfully and consistently eliminate this epidemic with our knowledge and diet that focuses on the wisdom of our bodies and the inner ecosystem. Blood type provides valuable information about our children that should be more widely understood.
Blood Type A: Roughly 8 out of 10 children with Autism are blood Type A [proving my theory thet Autistics are usually a specific blood type].
Blood type researcher Dr. Peter D’Adamo has also noted a marked prevalence of blood type A’s with Autism. "Being blood type A myself, I feel keenly attuned to the positive and negative aspects of living inside a body with the most sensitive blood type - one prone to infection and acidity.
I find it interesting that many of us who research and teach about health are blood Type As. Dr. Joe Mercola, Sally Fallon, Dr Peter D’Adamo, Dr Leonard Smith, and Jordin Rubin are all Type As.
In The Body Ecology Diet book I describe the differences between the blood types, based both on Dr. D’Adamo’s research as well as my own."
Back to the book:
Here are some general characteristics of blood Type A:
▪ In general, people with type A blood tend to have more sensitive constitutions and are more prone to diseases. Too much stress, from food, medicine, chemicals, hormones, and lifestyle stress, weakens their immunity much more quickly than other blood types.
▪ Low stomach acid and digestive problems are more common earlier in life for blood type A’s, even from birth.
▪ Low stomach acid may not seem like a big deal, but it is! When stomach acid (HCL) is low you will not digest proteins well. You will become protein malnourished even if you are eating adequate amounts of protein daily. If you are blood Type A take special care when eating animal proteins. Digestive enzymes and fermented food and drinks are mandatory for type A’s to maintain a healthy inner ecosystem. [Italian and French people drink wine with every meal and have relatively low heart disease; what is their blood type? I have no clue, but I know I am Type O blood and I hate wine. So I went to bloodbook.com and saw a listing of all the blood types prevalent in each specific country. Check it out.]
▪ When stomach acid is low Cortisol will be elevated. Research shows that protein malnourishment elevates the stress hormone, Cortisol. Signs of protein malnourishment in children are poor muscle tone and swollen bellies - common symptoms in Autism. When Cortisol levels remains chronically high it will affect your personality making you feel anxious and more of a perfectionist [typical of Autistics]. You will find it difficult to truly relax and sleep deeply - important for healing.
Elevated Cortisol also depletes your sexual hormones (estrogen, DHEA, progesterone, testosterone) [possibly exacerbating the common Autistic trait of apparent disinterest in sex] and one will age more quickly. When chronically elevated, Cortisol is called, “the death hormone”. Unfortunately, this means Autistic children are destined to age quickly and are more susceptible to hormone and sleep problems as they age unless this problem is addressed and conquered. For more on this important topic be sure to read Low Stomach Acid: The Risk, the Symptoms, and the Solutions.
▪ Low Stomach acid means mineral deficiencies. I have come to believe that minerals may be the most essential of all nutrients. They are essential for assimilation of protein. They keep your blood slightly alkaline so that viruses, fungi, bacteria, and cancer cells do not grow as easily. Of course, having said this, healthy fats are essential for assimilating minerals so in truth all the nutrients must be included in your diet each day and this is do-able with The Body Ecology Diet.
Knowing the special characteristics of people with blood Type A, it becomes easier to understand why Autism is more prevalent among this subset of the population. Their blood is more acidic, their immunity is weaker, their body repairs more slowly, and their inner ecosystems are more susceptible to imbalances and dysbiosis.
The good news is that The Body Ecology System of Health and Healing is ideally suited to bring the body and the inner ecosystem of blood type A children and adults (and all blood types) back into balance.
In my book, I provide special guidelines for healing foods and exercise for blood Type A individuals.
The Link: Blood Type A and Autism:
Researchers have found that children with Autism have inflammation in their brains. Their Cytokines, the chemicals produced by the immune system to organize attacks against pathogens, are always switched on, causing constant inflammation. Basically, these kids have infections in their brains.
They also have inflammation in their intestines. They have a fungal infection passed unknowingly from mother to child while in the womb or from the use of antibiotics soon after birth.
It makes sense, then, that blood Type A children, who are naturally more sensitive to immunological stresses, are more susceptible to developing Autism.
So, whether a child is blood Type A or not, immune function is key to preventing and treating the brain and gut infections that characterize Autism Spectrum Disorders.
For more on how to prevent and treat Autism, read What Every Woman Needs To Know NOW If She Ever Wants To Have a Baby.
The Natural Autism Solution is a dietary approach to help prevent and overcome:
▪ Autism
▪ ADD and ADHD
▪ Asperger’s Syndrome
▪ Other childhood disorders
I believe the increase in childhood developmental diseases and disorders is a wake-up-call for everyone, not just parents. In many ways, our modern lifestyles and modern medicine have brought about amazing changes - and yet, we have also moved far away from Mother Nature and the body’s innate healing abilities.
With a comprehensive holistic approach to Autism, children of all blood types can heal infection and live normal lives free from Autism and all other developmental disorders.
Concerning Epileptics, I Googled "Epilepsy blood type" and found this:
Type B blood group is prone to magnesium deficiency, which plays a crucial role in Epilepsy. Magnesium acts as a catalyst for metabolic machinery in the B’s blood type. B’s systems are very efficient at assimilating calcium, and thus risk creating an imbalance between their levels of calcium and magnesium. [This is why Calcium and Magnesium supplements are usually packaged together.] Believe it or not, this seemingly simple imbalance can lead to nervous disorders and many skin conditions (my sister, who has Type B blood, has grand mal seizures and eczema). B’s also have severe neurological reactions to vaccinations.
Squirmy leg ("Restless Leg Syndrome") is caused by a Magnesium deficiency. Perhaps Epilepsy is an extreme form of restless leg, resulting in actual seizures.
As for Schizophrenia:
Schizophrenia is linked to blood type:
We have isolated that Schizophrenia is largely linked to Blood Type O. Genetic predisposition to alcoholism runs in Blood Type A.
You can see manifestations of this clumping in the emotions: depression in Blood Type O, for instance.
Often they are not eating enough protein, and when they start eating more protein they begin to feel much better. Most notably, mental functioning improves, whether on or off medication.
Back to the book:
The Diet your Type B friend raves about may be inert, or even harmful, to your Type A system.
Then he says vitamins can be harmful unless regulated by your physician. This is utter BS. Look up Codex Alimentarius! The official web site says:
The Codex Alimentarius Commission, established by FAO and WHO in 1963 develops harmonized international food standards, guidelines and codes of practice to protect the health of the consumers and ensure fair trade practices in the food trade. The Commission also promotes co-ordination of all food standards work undertaken by international governmental and non-governmental organizations.
What it actually is is the international banning of vitamins! It is already law in Germany and Finland where you can only get vitamins by a doctor's prescription, and as we know all doctors are merely puppet/whores of the utterly corrupt drug-pushing Pharmaceutical Industry. Codex Alimentarius is evil! Dr Frankenstein Mengele only makes money off of sick people, thus he will tell you out-right not to take vitamins, and refuse to give you a prescription for them.
The belief thet personality is determined by one's blood type is held in high regard in Japan. Corporate managers use it to hire workers, market researchers use it to predict buying habits, and most people use it to choose friends, romantic partners, and lifetime mates. Vending machines offer on-the- spot blood type analysis. The book You Are Your Blood Type has sold 6 million copies in Japan.
You will lose weight on the Type O Diet by restricting your consumption of grains, breads, legumes, and beans. The leading factor in weight gain for Type Os is Gluten found in wheat germ and whole wheat products. It acts on your metabolism to create the exact opposite of the state of ketosis. Instead of keeping you lean and in a high-energy state, the Gluten lectins inhibit your insulin metabolism, interfering with the efficient use of calories for energy. I have seen overweight Type Os, who had been unsuccessful with other diets lose weight quickly solely by eliminating wheat from their diets.
Type Os have a tendency to have low levels of thyroid hormone. This occurs when Type Os do not produce enough iodine. The symptoms of which include weight gain, fluid retention, muscle loss, and fatigue.
Then he presents an elaborate list of foods considered beneficial, neutral, and harmful for Type Os, along with explanation of why and how each food works in the Type O system. He includes interesting details about the typically thin non-clotting blood of Type Os, resulting in his recommendation of very high consumption of fish oils, which help prevent Crohn's and Colitis, which Type Os are especially prone to.
Then he goes onto explain the specifics concerning each blood type:
Type O:
I have been labeled by naturopaths as a "Vitamin C Needer"; i.e., I need massive doses of Vitamin C to help with the bleeding disorders of Type Os. Specifically my non-clotting blood which makes me gush blood for hours if I cut myself, and my bleeding gums (Type O women will probably be prone to terrible menstrual cramps).
If I take my mega-vitamins regularly I heal amazingly fast, no longer bleed like a stuck pig, nor do my gums ever bleed. Crohn's and Colitis can be loosely defined as "bleeding disorders", for the first half of my life I had bleeding Colitis, as do many Autistics.
Make seafood a major component of the Type O Diet. Type Os should restrict their use of dairy products.
Type Os should strictly avoid Gluten because it causes "sluggish metabolism." This is why the traditional practice of "carbo-loading" does not work for Type O me. When athletes prepare for marathons, the previous day they will intentionally eat nothing but mega-carbos because it burns slower as an energy source - as opposed to proteins which burn off immediately. For me, it is the opposite - if I "carbo-load" I have chronic fatigue the next day! No marathons for me. But if I eat mostly halibut and oysters I feel great.
He goes on to say thet Type Os should avoid cabbage, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, and mustard greens because they weaken Thyroid function (in Type Os). Whereas vegetables rich in vitamin K help blood clot in the profusely bleeding Type Os. These include kale, collard greens, romain lettuce, broccoli, and spinach.
Alfalfa sprouts irritate the digestive tract, and molds trigger allergic reactions in Type Os.
Nightshade (potatoes, tomatoes, and eggplant) cause arthritic conditions in Type Os, and corn lectins affect the production of insulin, causing diabetes in type Os.
He goes on to list 34 vegetables thet are beneficial, 51 thet are neutral, and 51 thet are harmful for type Os.
Next comes fruit: plums, prunes, and figs are good for Type Os. Melons are high in mold and must be strictly avoided. And acidic fruit like citrus and berries are bad. Also, all Type Os are extremely sensitive to any coconut products.
He goes on to list the 3 beneficial, 42 neutral, and 9 harmful fruits; and long lists of juices, teas, and herbs.
Type Os have an especially high need for Vitamin K, which heals intestinal disorders such as Autism.
For Type Os, any stress goes to the muscles, which requires Type Os to be in perpetual motion to relieve the tension; i.e. relaxation techniques are the polar opposite of what Type Os needs to relieve stress. They must instead work-out vigorously. This is the equivalent to Autistics needing to frantically Stim to calm themselves. If you are a Type O Autistic, vigorous exercise is mandatory, along with chiropractic and intense massage. I used to play drums in a frenzy for several hours every day, then go on 10-mile walks, and still would have anxiety-attacks in my sleep and thus need to go run in order to get back to sleep. Masturbating 4 times a day (in a state of absolute rage because all women were afraid of me) was necessary but relatively useless for relieving stress; I had to run, play drums, or do riot-control (beating a large rope with a ax handle) before I started to calm down. This is because I am a Type O Autistic.
Then you add Aries to the mix, and I scare the crap out of people with my hot vibe. This plays into the typical Asperger problem of scaring away potential mates with our emotional intensity. I came to the conclusion thet all people were Paranoid Schizophrenics who were so afraid of their own feelings they were thus afraid of mine - the pathetic weaklings.
Most of the overstimulation thet led me to Autistic meltdowns were caused by light; me being able to see Ultra-violet, I was in a perpetual state of anger which inevitably led to rage-attacks if I did not be frantically physical to calm myself.
If I had been on this Type O Diet, along with the GF/CF Diet, all my life, I would have been the totally different person I am today – known as even-tempered and level-headed with a very calm vibe.
My Paranoid Schizophrenic parents were terrified of me simply needing to work out all the time. They were so horrifically damaging, trying to make me calm down – with the perpetual look of fear in their eye.
I hate stimulation! I wanted to do those things as a way to calm myself and be rid of the over-stimulation thet caused the Autistic meltdowns. There is nothing more absolutely damaging than to try to calm a Stimming Autistic! They should be put naked in a padded cell with a punching bag and a riot control baton. Let then have a rage of violence (in that controlled environment) to calm themselves, then they would sleep soundly for the first time in their life, and wake up with a smile on their face.
If you are Type O, you have the immediate and physical response; stress goes directly to your muscles. Your blood type carries a patterned alarm response thet permits intense physical energy. Type Os are meant to release built-up hormonal forces through vigorous and intense exercise [Like I said].
Type A:
Type As flourish on vegetarian diets.
It is particularly important for Type As to get their foods in as natural of state as possible. Type As are biologically predisposed to heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. They are the exact opposite of Type Os when it comes to metabolism. While animal foods speed up the Type Os, Type As feel sluggish unless they eat vegetable protein. Type As should eliminate all meats from their diets. Stay completely away from processed meats; they contain nitrites which promote stomach cancer in people with low levels of stomach acid.
As with the Type O’s section, he presents elaborate lists of the foods, vitamins, and herbs Type As should or should not eat.
Type As immune system is designed to reject anything B-like. The antibodies it creates to ward off B antigens will also reject whole-milk products.
Peanuts and pumpkin seeds are highly beneficial for As.
Type As thrive on vegetable proteins and legumes, and generally do well on cereals and grains.
Type As do best when their tissues are slightly alkaline – in direct contrast with Type Os.
Type As must avoid fermented foods, molds, and nightshade.
Type As should eat fruit 3 times a day, but avoid oranges, while consuming pineapple. This is all explained in detail.
Type As have an extremely delicate chemistry. They should avoid acidy tomatoes, but consume acidy wine. He explains exactly why in detail.
The Type Os have a very black-and-white diet. But the Type A’s is very complicated. Read the book.
Type As should be alert to vitamin B-12 deficiency. And because of their higher rates of stomach cancer caused by low stomach acid, they can benefit from additional supplements of vitamin C.
He recommends a long list of herbs specifically for Type As, explaining in detail exactly what they do.
He also recommends yoga, Tai Chi, and meditation to relieve stress in Type As, as opposed to vigorous exercise (Stimming) for Type Os.
Interjected for every Type are anecdotes about famous people of the specified blood-type. Type O Ronald Reagan “The Teflon President” was never fazed no matter the stressor. Type Os were typically the Viking personality types, exhilarated by action, adventure, and vigorous exercise. Whereas Type As were very sensitive and would become paranoid and wincing when stressed.
He gives some examples of Type A leaders: Richard Nixon, who immediately ended the stressful Vietnam war, and opened up trade with stressful enemy China, while amassing a paranoid collection of Watergate tapes.
Also Adolph Hitler! A very sensitive vegetarian who never drank alcohol, loved animals and children, but became paranoid when dealing with stressful people. His Aries personality would lead him into stress his Type A chemistry could not handle, and he eventually went mad.
Type Os need to kill a cow and eat it, and engage in recreational boxing. Type As need to eat salad, do yoga, and take a nap.
Type B:
The sturdy and alert Type Bs are usually able to resist many of the most severe diseases such as cancer and heart disease. Even when they do contract these diseases, they are more likely to survive them. But their systems are more prone to exotic immune system disorders such as MS and Lupus.
For Type Bs, the biggest factor in weight-gain is corn, buckwheat, lentils, peanuts, and sesame. All of them effect the efficiency of your metabolic process, resulting in fatigue, fluid retention, and Hypoglycemia.
Type Bs are similar to Type Os in their reaction to Gluten, but the moderate consumption of dairy foods actually help Type Bs achieve metabolic balance.
Chicken contains Type B agglutinating lectin which attack Type B blood, leading to possible strokes and immune disorders.
Type Bs thrive on seafood but should avoid shellfish. It is interesting to note thet many of the original Type Bs were Jewish tribes thet forbade the consumption of shellfish.
Type Bs are the only blood type thet can enjoy a variety of dairy foods. However, there are ancestral idiocyncracies: Most Asian diets are low in milk products, while their soy-based diets are damaging to them. Type B blood is barely represented in Africans who are usually lactose intolerant.
Many legumes contain lectins thet interfere with insulin production in Type Bs.
Type Bs and Type As suffer strong reactions to tomatoes. Corn is also off your list.
Type Bs do best on warming herbs like ginger, horseradish, curry, and cayenne. Sweet herbs like barley malts, corn syrup, cornstarch, and cinnamon are stomach irritants. Ginseng and licorice are highly recommended for Type Bs.
Type Bs risk Magnesium deficiencies.
As for personality, Type Bs are ordered and harmonious. Jewish traditions of Kosher diet, homogenous culture, and religious spirituality is typical of Type Bs. Most Asians are also Type B blood, resulting in their homogenous cultures, sea-food diets, and ritualized politeness - as opposed to the red-meat-eating Viking temperament of Type Os, or the vegetarian Stress-kitten temperament of Type As.
Type AB:
Blood Type AB is less than 1,000 years old, less than 5% of the population, and biologically complex.
ABs need some meat protein, especially lamb, mutton, rabbit, and turkey, instead of beef; and stay away from chicken. Also avoid smoked meats which can cause stomach cancer in people with low levels of stomach acid.
You also share the Type A susceptibility to breast cancer. The edible snail, Helix pomatia, contain powerful lectins thet specifically agglutinates mutated A-like cells for 2 of the most common forms of breast cancer. It is interesting to note thet 47% of French people are Type A blood, and thus they consider snails a delacasy. Jews cannot eat shellfish, while the French eat snails and wine - this is not a coincidence, it coincides with their blood type.
You benefit from dairy products, especially those cultured and soured.
Eggs are a good source of protein for Type ABs.
Generally, you do well on grains, but need to limit your wheat consumption because it is highly acid-forming.
Oats, soy, millet, and rice are good for Type ABs, but you must avoid buckwheat and corn.
ABs must avoid mango and guava, but pineapple is an excellent digestive aid. Since vitamin C is an important antioxidant, especially for stomach cancer prevention, eat other vitamin C-rich fruits such as grapefruit and kiwi. Banana lectins interfere with Type AB digestion. Red wine is good for Type ABs.
Type ABs have the exact stress pattern of Type As. They react to stress as intellectual alarm. Type ABs remain in a naturally tense state, which can produce heart disease and cancer. Exercise like Tai Chi and Hatha Yoga are calming and centering for Type ABs. The key is your mental engagement on your physical activity.
It is almost funny how different this is from the Type O Vikings who invented the Berzerker; they had the ability to work themselves into a frenzy and run naked into battle, literally foaming at the mouth - "mental engagement" not part of the equation. Their Type O physicality was amplified to outright psychotic levels of activity, which they enjoyed!; whereas the type AB absolutely need to rest, relax, do Yoga and Tai Chi, and take a nap.
As for personality, the Type AB is a somewhat flaky nature thet embraces all aspects of life without being particularly aware of the consequences. The AB immune system is also the best friend to nearly every virus and disease on the planet. These qualities make the AB very appealing and popular. It is easy to like people who welcome you with open arms, do not hold grudges, and always say the most diplomatic things. But the Type ABs immune systems are equally indiscriminate.
JFK and Marilyn Manroe were both Type AB. There was a public connection to them so intense thet it haunts the American psyche to this day. But for all their luster, their charisma exacted a heavy toll.
All drugs are poisons. An excellent example is the diffuse arsenal of drugs used by oncologists for chemotherapy. In the process of destroying cancer cells, these drugs indiscriminately attack healthy cells (resulting in chemo patients’ hair falling out). Sometimes chemotherapy works in killing fast-growing cells like cancer, but the patient dies of complications related to the treatment.
Aspirin can mask the symptoms of infection, Antihistamines and cough medicines can raise blood-pressure, laxatives can actually cause constipation.
If you are pregnant with Type O or Type B blood, the flu vaccine holds special dangers for the fetus, especially if the father is Type A or Type AB blood (see what is said below about miscarriages).
Antibiotics cut off immune response; your body’s responsibility for fighting an infection has been taken over by medication.
Type Os should avoid penicillin-class antibiotics. I am Type O and allergic to Penicillin. Erythromycin, Biaxin, and Zithromax can aggravate the bleeding tendencies of Type Os.
Carbacephem-class antibiotics such as Lorabid work well for Type As. Most Type As respond well to penicillin-class and sulfa-class antibiotics. These are preferable to tetracycline or acrilide-class antibiotics such as Zithromax of Clarythomycin. Both of these can cause digestive problems and interfere with iron metabolism.
He also recommends vitamins A and C in mega doses before surgery, to assure quick healing for all blood types.
Then he points out thet physical therapy and strong physical activity can help Type Os recover from surgeries, while relaxation, meditation, and visualization can be beneficial for the high-strung Type As and Type ABs.
Wheat is poison to Type Os.
He explains the difference between a food allergy and a food sensitivity; i.e., why being lactose intolerant does not necessarily mean you are allergic to milk.
Next, this book addresses more specifics: Arthritis, Chronic Fatigue, MS, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Pernicious Anemia, Clotting Disorders, Cardiovascular Disease, High Blood Pressure, Conjunctivitis, Diarrhea, Ear Infections, Hyperactivity and Learning Disabilities, Strep Throat, Mono, and Mumps.
For each of these he presents several Case Histories, showing how, in every case, putting these patients on their individual Blood Type Diets cured, or at least notably alleviated the syptoms of, their assorted disorders.
This includes his discovery thet Conjunctivitis (Pink-eye) can be alleviated in a Type A and Type AB patient with the clear juice from a fresh tomato - tomatoes (Deadly Nightshade) otherwise being poison to humans. This clear juice can also cure Strep Throat.
He recommends Rose Hip Vitamin C, and extract of Western Larch as super immune-boosters.
As for Hyperactivity specifically, he says, There are a variety of causes for ADD, and we still need much more information before we can make a conclusive blood type connection. We can however gain some insight from our knowledge of how different blood types respond to their environment; e.g., Type O children are happier, healthier, and more alert when they are given the opportunity to exercise to their maximum potential. A Type O child with ADD should be encouraged to exercise as much as possible.
See my review of the documentary Aut-erobics, wherein the specific Autism aspect of this is addressed.
Type O Autistics need to Stim frantically to calm themselves, whereas Type AB Autistics need to retreat to a cardboard box.
Diabetes is often observed in Type Os who have eaten dairy, wheat, and corn products for many years; and in Type As who eat a lot of meat and dairy.
Digestive illnesses, such as Constipation, Crohn’s Colitis, Irritable Bowel, Food-poisoning, and Ulcers:
Type A and Type AB are more likely to fall prey too Salmonella.
Type Bs, who are generally more susceptible to inflammatory diseases, are more likely to be severely affected when they eat food thet is contaminated with Shigella that causes Dysentery.
Type Os are a favorite target for bacteria known to cause ulcers.
Viral infections seem to be more frequent in Type Os.
Bronchitis and Pneumonia:
Type A children born to Type A fathers and Type O mothers die more frequently of broncho-pneumonia in early life.
Cholera:
A recent epidemic of Cholera in Peru was attributed to the high incidence of Type Os in Peru; according to bloodbook.com 100% of Peruvians have Type O blood.
Antibiotics are not effective against viruses. They only work for infections.
Plague, Typhoid, Smallpox, and Malaria:
Type Os are especially susceptible to Smallpox, which probably explains why Native Americans were decimated by it when they came in contact with the Type A and Type AB European settlers who carried it. Native Americans are almost 100% Type O blood.
The Anopheles Mosquito prefers to bite people with Type B and Type O blood - whereas the common mosquito prefers the taste of Type A and AB blood.
Polio, Parasites, Sinus infections, and Meningitis are addressed.
Parasites can live fairly well in anyone’s digestive tract, but, by and large, they have a preference for Type A and Type AB digestive tracts, mimicking the Type A blood antigen to avoid detection.
Syphilis, Urinary Tract Infection, alcohol-related liver disease, gall-stones, Cirrhosis, Jaundice, liver flukes, skin disorders, menstruation and pregnancy problems are addressed.
A study of 288 miscarriages showed a predominance of Type A, Type B, and Type AB fetuses, all from Type O mothers.
Does this suggest the mother’s Type O system is rejecting the other-blood-typed fetus just as it would reject the other blood in transfusions?
Cancer:
There is undeniable evidence that persons with Type A and Type AB blood have an overall higher rate of cancer and poorer odds of survival then Type O and Type B.
I am beginning the 8th year of a 10-year trial on reproductive cancers, using the Blood Type Diets. My results are encouraging. So far, the women in my trial have double the survival rate published by the American Cancer Society. I expect to make it scientifically demonstrable that the Blood Type Diet plays a role in cancer remission.
While taking case-histories on new patients, I began to notice that many women who had suffered from breast cancer at some time in their distant past and had fully recovered were Type Os or Type Bs. Their rate of recovery was especially impressive since most of them told me their treatment was not very aggressive.
Researchers reported that it is possible to predict whether or not a breast cancer would spread to the lymph nodes when treated with a strain containing a lectin from the edible snail Helix Pomatia. They reported a strong association between the uptake of the snail lectin and the subsequent development of matastasis to the lymph nodes. The antigens on the surface of the cancer cells were changing, and this change was allowing the cancer to spread to the lymph nodes. The lectin of Helix Pomatia is highly specific to blood Type A.
As the cancer cells changed, they made themselves more A-like. This allowed them to bypass all the type A blood body’s defenses and rage unimpeded into the defenseless lymph nodes.
The theory thet the risk of getting breast and lymph cancer runs in families is true - it runs in the blood types of the families; however, the risk for colon cancer is related to diet, lifestyle, and temperament, not blood type. A high-fat diet, combined with smoking and drinking, create the ideal environment for digestive cancers.
Stomach cancer is attracted to low levels of stomach acid, a Type A and Type AB trait. Stomach cancer is epidemic in China, Japan, and Korea where most people have Type AB blood.
1 puzzling connection that is yet to be unraveled is that wheat germ agglutinin, the lectin that acts favorably against lobular and intraductal breast cancers, paradoxically accelerates the growth of bladder cancer cells.
One study of Japanese immigrant women living in San Francisco showed that they had twice the rate of breast cancer as their cousins living in Japan – no doubt due to a change in dietary habits.
For all of these blood types he lays out elaborate meal-planning schedules, and even recipes.
I am adhering strictly to this diet myself, and it has notably helped in the alleviation of my Autism symptoms.
Excellent book.
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Emergence
Labeled Autistic
by Temple Grandin
This is the first of Temple's books I have read. Right off, it is engaging; being written like an Autistic talks, she is very concise.
Published in 1986, this is the first book about Autism written by an Autistic. It remains a best-selling Classic today.
The forward, written by Dr Bernard Rimland, presents Temple as: an individual who recognized she had oddities and peculiarities of speech and manner as a result of her affliction, but who took them as a matter of course, and regarded them as obstacles to be overcome, rather than reasons to be self-conscious or embarrassed.
I love Temple. She is like me, presenting her story from the perspective of a self-narrating zoo exhibit for the sake of educating people. I am disgusted with morons who want to play the victim and wallow in Autism rather than talk about causes and cures.
In Temple's introduction she defines Autism as: a developmental disorder. A defect in the system which processes incoming sensory information and causes the child to over-react to some stimuli and under-react to others. The Autistic child withdraws from her environment and the people in it to block out an onslaught of incoming stimulation. Autism is a childhood anomaly that separates the child from the interpersonal relationships. She does not reach out and explore the world around her, but instead stays in her own inner world.
The many millions of neurons which are growing in the developing brain make some wrong connections. Some Autistics have defects in neural development and some areas of the brain may be over-reactive.
In her second introduction, added to the book in 2005, she says: There needs to be much more emphasis on developing a child's talents. Too often teachers concentrate only on the deficits, and may neglect strengthening the talent areas.
As I said before, no one noticed when I got an A++ in art, they only spanked me for flunking math.
People with high-functioning Autism and Asperger's Syndrome usually have specialized brains. They may be good at one thing and bad at something else. Children should be encouraged by parents and teachers to develop their talents [and interests] into skills that can be used in a job, and provide them with skills that can give them satisfaction in life through shared interests. Most of my socializing is with people who are interested in livestock, animal behavior, and building projects. My career is my life.
Provide them with skills that can give them satisfaction in life through shared interests.
Temple suggests there are 3 basic types of Autistic thinkers: Visual (think and learn only in pictures, like Temple does), music and math thinkers (This is me. I love mathematically over-complicated music, though I am horrible at actual math), and verbal logic thinkers (this is also Hyperlexic literary genius me, and most Aspies, with whom nothing makes sense unless it is in words).
Visual thinking is very common in Autistics [obsessive pattern-recognition], the verbal logic brain is common in those with Asperger's Syndrome, where the child has no delay in speech development. All 3 types of brains are specialized, where they have a skill in one area and little or no skill in another area. All three types tend to be rigid thinkers, and teachers need to work with them to be more flexible on how they think.
But, like Temple said above, the teachers usually focus on "fixing" the deficiencies, rather than cultivating the gifts. Morons. It is asinine to try to "teach" the child to hold eye-contact while ignoring the fact they are gifted at art.
There is no black and white dividing line between computer-nerd and Asperger. Simon Baron-Cohen did a study that showed that there were 2 1/2 times as many engineers in the family history of people with AS.
Earplugs must never be worn all the time because the brain will compensate, thus sound sensitivity may worsen. They must be off for at least half the day.
Even though individuals are sensitive to certain noises they may have problems with hearing auditory detail. When adults talked directly to me, I understood everything they said, but when two adults talked quickly to each other it sounded like a foreign language. I have undergone tests of central auditory processing, and was shocked at how poorly I did on these tests; I mixed up "life boat" and "light bulb".
AIT is the obvious solution. See my AIT page.
Then the book begins:
This withdrawal from touch, so typical of Autistic children, was followed in the next years by standard Autistic behaviors: my fixation on spinning objects, my preference to be alone, destructive behavior, temper tantrums, inability to speak, sensitivity to sudden noises, appearance of deafness, and my intense interest in odors.
I was a destructive child. I drew all over the walls. I got in trouble for peeing on the carpet, so the next time I put the long drapes between my legs. Normal children use modeling clay, I used my own feces and spread my creations all over the room. I chewed up puzzles and spit the cardboard mush out on the floor. I had a violent temper, and when thwarted I threw anything handy. I screamed continually, responded violently to noise, and yet appeared deaf on some occasions.
There is a mechanism in the inner ear that controls the body's balance and integrates visual and vestibular input. Through a series of nerve connections, the eyes, after some amount of spinning, will start jumping about (become nystagmatic) and the stomach becomes queasy, then the child will stop spinning. Autistic children often have reduced nystagmus. It is as if their bodies were demanding more spinning as a kind of corrective factor in an immature nervous system.
Researchers believe that Autistic children have a hyper-active nervous system, and hyper-active children have a slow nervous system. Thus the Autistic child self-stimulates to calm himself, and the hyper-active child is excessively active because he is trying to stimulate an under-aroused nervous system.
I love cold weather, but also love hot-springs, especially the 2 combined. These contrasting physical extremes actually calm me. I sleep so very soundly after such extreme stimulation.
My favorite thing is motorcycle adventure riding, which is very exciting, a constant physical and visual workout. Though I am Autistic, these come across as hyper-active traits. The difference is I am doing these things to calm myself, whereas hyper-active people do it to stimulate themselves. Temple, who was extremely hyper-sensitive, was violent and destructive to calm herself.
In these scenarios parents and teachers usually try to make the Autistic "calm down" by taking away the thing thet actually calms them, thus winding them up even worse; and try to make the hyper-active child calm down, which makes them feel dead.
Constantly asking questions was another of my annoying fixations. I would ask the same question and wait with pleasure for the same answer - over and over again.
This is the Autistic insistence on sameness. Some Autistic kids will totally freak out if you drive a different route than the one they are familiar with. In my case I need to have a place for everything and everything in it's place in my house. I had much difficulty giving up my fanny-pack (my boss made me take it off because "it is not part of the uniform"), which keeps my things securely strapped to me at all times. It is comforting to always know where everything is. It is even comforting to hear the answer you are expecting to hear, even over and over again (I do not do this myself, but I understand it). This is apparently why my Aspie father infuriatingly insists on only asking stupid questions he obviously knows the answers to. It comforts him to hear the answer he already knew was coming. Also see (my review of) the movie Her Name Is Sabine.
If a particular topic intrigued me, I zeroed in on that subject and talked it into the ground.
See my 77 zines I published, in every one of which I at least mention my fixated subject.
Even in bed at night I had to talk - tell stories to myself out loud. It was not enough to just think the story. It had to be told out loud, otherwise it did not seem real to me.
Note the word "told", rather than "said". She is not talking to herself, she is giving a lecture to someone else. When I talk to myself it is partly someone else I am imagining speaking to, or at least lecturing at.
I am very much aware thet every time I fell in love, it was not with a specific person, but with their use of words; i.e., I did not fall in love with them, I fell in love at them. I know this.
Most Autistics hate change, are obsessive about details, and have repetitive ritualized behaviors thet comfort them. Meanwhile they often are amazingly creative, seeing ways of doing things thet normal people cannot see.
Though I am obsessive about keeping everything in it's place, I also came to the conclusion thet the trick to life is to be forever on your quest for the alternate perspective; i.e., I cannot be convinced thet Democracy is anything other than evil, but I am fascinated with Project Camelot subject matter. I hate to have people in my house because they move my things, but the only time I am happy is when I am Adventure Motorcycle Riding to places I have never seen before.
I may have evolved into this due to my senses being inaccurate, thus me needing to perceive things from several different perspectives before I truly understand what it is (see me spending my whole life having to smell everything because I could not see, hear, nor feel accurately). Thus I must be forever on my quest for the alternate perspective.
Temple talks about the carnival ride, The Rotor, thet through centrifugal force holds you to the inside of a spinning cylinder while the floor drops out from under you and you end up stuck to the wall. To her this was tremendously anxiety-producing, but after a minute or so she would feel incredibly relaxed. She thus became obsessed with inventing her own machine thet would do the same thing, emotionally. This resulted in her eventually developing her Squeeze Machine.
I too like the feeling of gravity going in the wrong direction, thus giving me a alternate perspective which helps me overcome my gravitational insecurity; i.e., bad sense of balance, and vague sense of location in my body. Using my Back Revolution (Google it), or doing trapeze work, or going into a drooling relaxation on the Round Up carnival ride (a much bigger and slower version of The Rotor). I love to stand in the Round Up facing outward, so I am on my belly gravitationally; it is so very relaxing.
When I was on the boat in Alaska, and we were being towed through the Aleutian Chain where 2 ocean currents collided, it was a rough ride to say the least. "The boat" was a self-contained city/factory, so to make that big of a thing move 30 feet up and 30 feet back down in the waves, you can imagine how rough that water was. Anyway, we (the 140 people who lived on the boat) were all asleep at the time as it was going through that specific patch of ocean, and the sea-sickness-inducing up and down motion which makes gravity stronger than normal on your way up, and weaker than normal on the way back down, made me sleep so incredibly sound. It was heaven.
Temple talks about her need for "concrete symbols for abstract concepts", which is typical for all Autistics. For me, everything must be put into words in order for it to make sense to me. "Concrete Symbols", like a letter typed onto a page. This is also why I am horrible at math; numbers are not words, thus they make no sense to me.
Mr Carlock believed in building what was within the student. He channeled my fixations into constructive projects. He did not try to draw me into his world, but came instead into my world. He seemed to sense my search for acceptance on my own level. I trusted him implicitly.
This is the point I was making in my review of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome:
If your Autistic kid likes to spin, teach them everything about centrifugal force and gyroscopes. If they need a squeeze-machine or weighted blankets, teach them everything about gravity and weight measurements. If they are fascinated with water, get them snorkeling and swimming right now! You have the next Jaques Cousteau right there, if only you would stop torturing them by trying to make them "act normal". If they cannot talk, so what! They do not need to talk!
I adamantly yell at you to stop trying to teach them things they are not interested in! It just makes me so angry thet I was just like Temple in French class (see the movie) all those wasted years in the evil public school system thet intentionally withheld education from me!
Mr Carlock nurtured the gifts, rather than abused the deficiencies. No one ever did that with me.
Kanner found that Autistic individuals who did well as adults had self-motivated change in behavior during adolescence. Unlike some other Autistic children, they may become uneasily aware of their peculiarities and begin to make a conscious effort to do something about them. Mr Carlock had sensed that I had reached a stage for possible change/advancement, and with his caring attitude motivated me to reach out and to learn.
I want to be the Mr Carlock to Autistic kids.
When I was in the squeeze-machine, I felt closer to people. Although it was just a mechanical device, it broke through the barrier of tactile defensiveness, and I felt the love and concern of these people and was thus able to express my feelings about myself and others.
Wanting to grow is loving yourself, loving the best part of your self.
My desire/fixation/obsession with learning everything I can about this subject is my attempt to love myself, and the abused and neglected child within, which I help vicariously through helping other kids.
The result of my experiments with the squeeze-machine indicated that the pressure stimulus affected auditory thresholds.
This amazes me how much 1 sense is affected by another. In my review of the book Sound of a Miracle, Georgie's Autism was cured simply by adjusting her hearing. Temple discovered thet her hearing was changed simply by squishing herself in a machine. My Irlen lenses have calmed my hearing sensitivity.
Through the use of my squeeze-machine I learned to control my aggression and accept affection. Thus I would have periods when the nerve-attacks subsided, but during these nerve-free periods I suffered from eczema and colitis. There were times when the colitis-attacks were so severe thet I had to eat only yoghurt and jello for 3 weeks. In order to correct these disorders I needed to feel intense emotions to ease my nerves.
Throwing Autistic tantrums relieved her colitis, just as it did with me. I shat blood all my life because my Schizophrenic Gemini parents were so terrified of their own feelings they were thus afraid of mine, resulting in them nearly killing me with their religious guilt-trip BS about how me having bad feelings made me a bad person. The fact they were perpetually viciously abusive is beside the point (to them), because they maintained an outward appearance of pacifistic calm. This horrid atmosphere, stifling my Aries emotional intensity to the extent thet I bled from colitis, made my Autism much worse. If I had been allowed, and even encouraged, to vent in a healthy way, my colitis would have probably gone away.
It is like how normal people use nervous laughter to dispel anxiety. All people do this. Autistics just do it at 100 times the intensity.
The point I and Temple are making is thet "emotionally calming down" is the worst possible way to try to control/relieve/prevent an Autistic melt-down.
Because of our Sensory Processing Disorders thet are so over-stimulating, thus making everything unbearably intense, we need to vent (not necessarily expressed in any specific form) the resulting wound-up energy with equal intensity.
If you really want to shoot yourself in the foot, just try to calm down an Autistic. By interrupting or interfering with that you are forcing them to remain over-stimulated, which will work its way out through bleeding guts, or some other way thet is worse than the stim.
On my way back to the dorm I stopped at the supermarket. I walked through the sliding glass door. I did not cringe as the door glided open nor rush it as if a herd of cattle were behind me. I simply walked through like a normal person. I decided that getting along with people was like a sliding glass door. The door has to be approached slowly; it cannot be forced, otherwise it will break. Relationships with people are the same way. If they are forced, the relationship does not work. One little shove can shatter everything. One bad word can ruin months of building up trust, respect, and confidence in another person.
That night I went to a psychology department party. After everyone had left, I had a long talk with the host. He said, "You seem different tonight, Temple. Even the other students noticed it. You actually visited with your classmates. And you seemed interested in them."
"So?"
He cleared his throat. "So, that is not your usual style. You are considered by your classmates as a pretty unfeeling and uninvolved person. Some of your remarks in class would alienate a viper."
I wanted to say, "But that was before I became a cattle-chute operator, and glided through the sliding glass door."
The first person to ever mention this to me was the first singer from my second band Music Patrol (me age 20). He said "You always go, 'Rah!" He said this with a pouncing tiger gesture, claws bared.
This is Pragmatic Language Disorder, wherein I not only say things thet are inappropriate for the social context (alienating a viper), but I am simply "overly-friendly" with people (read: spilling my guts to startled strangers), thus resulting in all women thinking I am overtly in hitting on them (apparently with the accent on "hitting"), when I was oblivious to their existence, and all men having a panic-attack because they think I am a fag hitting on them. But apparently I "always go 'Rah!", bashing my ram horns through closed glass doors.
I have long since become so overly cautious in my approach thet I now make no contact at all. I believe it is due to the Normals all having Paranoid Schizophrenia; i.e., to avoid terrifying the trembling infants, I simply avoid them.
Then 29 years later, Gelica said, "You always say too much." At this point I have no clue why she would say that. I thought I had defeated it.
Recently I had a series of tests to determine my abilities and handicaps. On the Hiskey Nebraska Spacial Reasoning Test my performance was at the top of the norms. In fact it was concluded that "The ceiling of this subtest is probably too low to assess accurately her extraordinary spacial visualization ability."
Temple talks about her short-term memory problems, revealing basically the same problem I have, in thet I cannot remember 3 things at a time. If I go to practice shooting, I bring my bullets, the target, and the gun; that is 3 things. If I decide to go and pay my electric bill on my way to the shooting range, thus adding a 4th thing to the list, I arrive at the range without my gun, for it is impossible for me to add the electric bill to the list without 1 of the other things dropping off the list. It is just so frustrating, not to mention how Retarded I feel arriving at the shooting range without my gun! God damnit!
Temple describes it as, "My inability to hold one piece of information in my mind while I manipulate another piece of information", and, "When I receive directions from a gas station I have to write them down if there are more than 3 turns in the sequence."
I am only now getting to the point where I can catch myself trying to carry 3 things at once, and stop myself. I stop and put down everything, take 2 of them to the car, and then come back for the others. Even if I could have easily carried them physically all at once, I would not be able to keep track of them mentally. I get overwhelmed, and Attention Deficit all over the place and thus lose track of them all!
This may also be why it is well known thet "Nerds do not cheat." There is no way I could juggle 2 girl-friends at once.
Misinterpretation of psychological test-results could label a brilliant visual thinker as below average in intelligence. Einstein was a visual thinker who failed his high-school language requirements, and relied on visual methods of study. If Autism was ultimately prevented, maybe the price would be turning potentially gifted individuals into ones with mediocre talents.
Einstein did not speak until he was 4 years old. By the time he was in high-school he still could not speak well enough to pass his tests. But he was obviously the greatest mathematician of all time. He just thought in numbers, not words. Meanwhile, I am a literary genius who totally sucks at math.
As a child I loved being spun. The Rotor ride at the carnival became an obsession with me, and I stayed on it for hours. Spinning is an aid to the inner ear mechanism that assists balance, co-ordination, and perception.
The sense of touch is the primary learning source.
It has been shown thet when premature babies are caressed and massaged for hours each day they grow faster.
Musical and rhythmic activities are highly recommended for Autistic children. Non-verbal Autistics can sometimes sing words thet they are unable to speak.
I repeat thet I became a drummer because it was partly a Stim. I could leave my body while playing, for it was such an effective stim thet it made me feel that spiritually tranquil.
Back in the 70's country music artist Mel Tillis, who at the time was a top Star, said thet he stuttered badly as a child, but he learned thet he could sing words fluently. Thus he eventually became a professional singer. He would joke thet his career was one of "a professional stutterer."
He went on to become the official spokesperson for The Stuttering Foundation of America, and sells his paintings to raise money for speech and hearing clinics. (see MelTillis.com for more about his highly award-winning life).
Also see Lexi in Autism: the Musical practically non-verbal while singing perfect English with ease.
Temple mentions Zinc, Vitamin B6, and Magnesium as being especially good for Autistics. I can attest to this.
Be careful not to load a child up on too many drugs. Tofranil is a miracle medicine for me, but it may be awful for someone else. Overdosing youngsters with drugs can be dangerous. My personal bias is to avoid drugs in children as long as possible, and then only use them as a last resort. When drugs are called for, use one drug at a time, and carefully evaluate its effect. If more than one drug is given simultaneously, it is difficult to evaluate its effect. Giving a child medication often just masks a symptom, but finding the right drug which actually corrects or compensates for faulty biochemistry is very useful. Once an effective drug is found, use the smallest effective dose.
I concur thet most drugs are designed to mask symptoms rather than eliminate the causes.
1 of the questions asked in diagnosing Autism is whether the child uses the word "I" properly, if at all. Is referring to one's self as "me" or "I" a problem for them?
See Tito in (my review of) the book Beyond the Silence, wherein he only refers to himself as "the boy", never "me" or "I".
When I was a child I was very averse to referring to myself by name. If I knocked on a door, and someone asked "Who is it?", I would always say "Me", hoping they would recognize my voice. It was very anxiety-provoking to call myself by name. I have no clue why. It was like what I say below in my review of Women From Another Planet about how uncomfortable it was for me to say the word "lovely".
Temple ends the book with a list of 74 references.
In the appendix she mentions the classic book Nobody Nowhere (reviewed below). The point Temple makes in reference to this book is thet it's author had tremendously worse sensory disorders than Temple does, in thet her senses cross-over because her processors intermingle (this is called Synesthesia), so a scent has a sound, and a color has a scent, etc. And she is unable to even have more than 1 sense active at a time, or she becomes utterly overwhelmed. It seems so horrible. I look forward (in anxiety) to reviewing that book.
Also see Rachel in (my review of) the Alphas TV show, with her extreme sensory processing disorders (one becomes so overwhelming thet all the others turn off).
The original fetal defect in brain-development is probably responsible for the baby's avoidance of being touched and comforted. The longer a baby lives without experiencing the feeling of being comforted physically, the more likely the brain-circuits involved in the development of emotional contact with people will be damaged. Circuits which are used will be retained and enlarged, whereas circuits which are idle will shrink.
Temple could not bear to be touched by anyone, but she realized thet being hugged tightly by her squeeze-machine was tremendously advantageous. It is simply the feeling of having your skin touched thet makes the difference. It does not matter if it is a person or a machine doing the touching.
All things considered, this book is a classic Best Seller for a reason.
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Labeled Autistic
by Temple Grandin
This is the first of Temple's books I have read. Right off, it is engaging; being written like an Autistic talks, she is very concise.
Published in 1986, this is the first book about Autism written by an Autistic. It remains a best-selling Classic today.
The forward, written by Dr Bernard Rimland, presents Temple as: an individual who recognized she had oddities and peculiarities of speech and manner as a result of her affliction, but who took them as a matter of course, and regarded them as obstacles to be overcome, rather than reasons to be self-conscious or embarrassed.
I love Temple. She is like me, presenting her story from the perspective of a self-narrating zoo exhibit for the sake of educating people. I am disgusted with morons who want to play the victim and wallow in Autism rather than talk about causes and cures.
In Temple's introduction she defines Autism as: a developmental disorder. A defect in the system which processes incoming sensory information and causes the child to over-react to some stimuli and under-react to others. The Autistic child withdraws from her environment and the people in it to block out an onslaught of incoming stimulation. Autism is a childhood anomaly that separates the child from the interpersonal relationships. She does not reach out and explore the world around her, but instead stays in her own inner world.
The many millions of neurons which are growing in the developing brain make some wrong connections. Some Autistics have defects in neural development and some areas of the brain may be over-reactive.
In her second introduction, added to the book in 2005, she says: There needs to be much more emphasis on developing a child's talents. Too often teachers concentrate only on the deficits, and may neglect strengthening the talent areas.
As I said before, no one noticed when I got an A++ in art, they only spanked me for flunking math.
People with high-functioning Autism and Asperger's Syndrome usually have specialized brains. They may be good at one thing and bad at something else. Children should be encouraged by parents and teachers to develop their talents [and interests] into skills that can be used in a job, and provide them with skills that can give them satisfaction in life through shared interests. Most of my socializing is with people who are interested in livestock, animal behavior, and building projects. My career is my life.
Provide them with skills that can give them satisfaction in life through shared interests.
Temple suggests there are 3 basic types of Autistic thinkers: Visual (think and learn only in pictures, like Temple does), music and math thinkers (This is me. I love mathematically over-complicated music, though I am horrible at actual math), and verbal logic thinkers (this is also Hyperlexic literary genius me, and most Aspies, with whom nothing makes sense unless it is in words).
Visual thinking is very common in Autistics [obsessive pattern-recognition], the verbal logic brain is common in those with Asperger's Syndrome, where the child has no delay in speech development. All 3 types of brains are specialized, where they have a skill in one area and little or no skill in another area. All three types tend to be rigid thinkers, and teachers need to work with them to be more flexible on how they think.
But, like Temple said above, the teachers usually focus on "fixing" the deficiencies, rather than cultivating the gifts. Morons. It is asinine to try to "teach" the child to hold eye-contact while ignoring the fact they are gifted at art.
There is no black and white dividing line between computer-nerd and Asperger. Simon Baron-Cohen did a study that showed that there were 2 1/2 times as many engineers in the family history of people with AS.
Earplugs must never be worn all the time because the brain will compensate, thus sound sensitivity may worsen. They must be off for at least half the day.
Even though individuals are sensitive to certain noises they may have problems with hearing auditory detail. When adults talked directly to me, I understood everything they said, but when two adults talked quickly to each other it sounded like a foreign language. I have undergone tests of central auditory processing, and was shocked at how poorly I did on these tests; I mixed up "life boat" and "light bulb".
AIT is the obvious solution. See my AIT page.
Then the book begins:
This withdrawal from touch, so typical of Autistic children, was followed in the next years by standard Autistic behaviors: my fixation on spinning objects, my preference to be alone, destructive behavior, temper tantrums, inability to speak, sensitivity to sudden noises, appearance of deafness, and my intense interest in odors.
I was a destructive child. I drew all over the walls. I got in trouble for peeing on the carpet, so the next time I put the long drapes between my legs. Normal children use modeling clay, I used my own feces and spread my creations all over the room. I chewed up puzzles and spit the cardboard mush out on the floor. I had a violent temper, and when thwarted I threw anything handy. I screamed continually, responded violently to noise, and yet appeared deaf on some occasions.
There is a mechanism in the inner ear that controls the body's balance and integrates visual and vestibular input. Through a series of nerve connections, the eyes, after some amount of spinning, will start jumping about (become nystagmatic) and the stomach becomes queasy, then the child will stop spinning. Autistic children often have reduced nystagmus. It is as if their bodies were demanding more spinning as a kind of corrective factor in an immature nervous system.
Researchers believe that Autistic children have a hyper-active nervous system, and hyper-active children have a slow nervous system. Thus the Autistic child self-stimulates to calm himself, and the hyper-active child is excessively active because he is trying to stimulate an under-aroused nervous system.
I love cold weather, but also love hot-springs, especially the 2 combined. These contrasting physical extremes actually calm me. I sleep so very soundly after such extreme stimulation.
My favorite thing is motorcycle adventure riding, which is very exciting, a constant physical and visual workout. Though I am Autistic, these come across as hyper-active traits. The difference is I am doing these things to calm myself, whereas hyper-active people do it to stimulate themselves. Temple, who was extremely hyper-sensitive, was violent and destructive to calm herself.
In these scenarios parents and teachers usually try to make the Autistic "calm down" by taking away the thing thet actually calms them, thus winding them up even worse; and try to make the hyper-active child calm down, which makes them feel dead.
Constantly asking questions was another of my annoying fixations. I would ask the same question and wait with pleasure for the same answer - over and over again.
This is the Autistic insistence on sameness. Some Autistic kids will totally freak out if you drive a different route than the one they are familiar with. In my case I need to have a place for everything and everything in it's place in my house. I had much difficulty giving up my fanny-pack (my boss made me take it off because "it is not part of the uniform"), which keeps my things securely strapped to me at all times. It is comforting to always know where everything is. It is even comforting to hear the answer you are expecting to hear, even over and over again (I do not do this myself, but I understand it). This is apparently why my Aspie father infuriatingly insists on only asking stupid questions he obviously knows the answers to. It comforts him to hear the answer he already knew was coming. Also see (my review of) the movie Her Name Is Sabine.
If a particular topic intrigued me, I zeroed in on that subject and talked it into the ground.
See my 77 zines I published, in every one of which I at least mention my fixated subject.
Even in bed at night I had to talk - tell stories to myself out loud. It was not enough to just think the story. It had to be told out loud, otherwise it did not seem real to me.
Note the word "told", rather than "said". She is not talking to herself, she is giving a lecture to someone else. When I talk to myself it is partly someone else I am imagining speaking to, or at least lecturing at.
I am very much aware thet every time I fell in love, it was not with a specific person, but with their use of words; i.e., I did not fall in love with them, I fell in love at them. I know this.
Most Autistics hate change, are obsessive about details, and have repetitive ritualized behaviors thet comfort them. Meanwhile they often are amazingly creative, seeing ways of doing things thet normal people cannot see.
Though I am obsessive about keeping everything in it's place, I also came to the conclusion thet the trick to life is to be forever on your quest for the alternate perspective; i.e., I cannot be convinced thet Democracy is anything other than evil, but I am fascinated with Project Camelot subject matter. I hate to have people in my house because they move my things, but the only time I am happy is when I am Adventure Motorcycle Riding to places I have never seen before.
I may have evolved into this due to my senses being inaccurate, thus me needing to perceive things from several different perspectives before I truly understand what it is (see me spending my whole life having to smell everything because I could not see, hear, nor feel accurately). Thus I must be forever on my quest for the alternate perspective.
Temple talks about the carnival ride, The Rotor, thet through centrifugal force holds you to the inside of a spinning cylinder while the floor drops out from under you and you end up stuck to the wall. To her this was tremendously anxiety-producing, but after a minute or so she would feel incredibly relaxed. She thus became obsessed with inventing her own machine thet would do the same thing, emotionally. This resulted in her eventually developing her Squeeze Machine.
I too like the feeling of gravity going in the wrong direction, thus giving me a alternate perspective which helps me overcome my gravitational insecurity; i.e., bad sense of balance, and vague sense of location in my body. Using my Back Revolution (Google it), or doing trapeze work, or going into a drooling relaxation on the Round Up carnival ride (a much bigger and slower version of The Rotor). I love to stand in the Round Up facing outward, so I am on my belly gravitationally; it is so very relaxing.
When I was on the boat in Alaska, and we were being towed through the Aleutian Chain where 2 ocean currents collided, it was a rough ride to say the least. "The boat" was a self-contained city/factory, so to make that big of a thing move 30 feet up and 30 feet back down in the waves, you can imagine how rough that water was. Anyway, we (the 140 people who lived on the boat) were all asleep at the time as it was going through that specific patch of ocean, and the sea-sickness-inducing up and down motion which makes gravity stronger than normal on your way up, and weaker than normal on the way back down, made me sleep so incredibly sound. It was heaven.
Temple talks about her need for "concrete symbols for abstract concepts", which is typical for all Autistics. For me, everything must be put into words in order for it to make sense to me. "Concrete Symbols", like a letter typed onto a page. This is also why I am horrible at math; numbers are not words, thus they make no sense to me.
Mr Carlock believed in building what was within the student. He channeled my fixations into constructive projects. He did not try to draw me into his world, but came instead into my world. He seemed to sense my search for acceptance on my own level. I trusted him implicitly.
This is the point I was making in my review of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome:
If your Autistic kid likes to spin, teach them everything about centrifugal force and gyroscopes. If they need a squeeze-machine or weighted blankets, teach them everything about gravity and weight measurements. If they are fascinated with water, get them snorkeling and swimming right now! You have the next Jaques Cousteau right there, if only you would stop torturing them by trying to make them "act normal". If they cannot talk, so what! They do not need to talk!
I adamantly yell at you to stop trying to teach them things they are not interested in! It just makes me so angry thet I was just like Temple in French class (see the movie) all those wasted years in the evil public school system thet intentionally withheld education from me!
Mr Carlock nurtured the gifts, rather than abused the deficiencies. No one ever did that with me.
Kanner found that Autistic individuals who did well as adults had self-motivated change in behavior during adolescence. Unlike some other Autistic children, they may become uneasily aware of their peculiarities and begin to make a conscious effort to do something about them. Mr Carlock had sensed that I had reached a stage for possible change/advancement, and with his caring attitude motivated me to reach out and to learn.
I want to be the Mr Carlock to Autistic kids.
When I was in the squeeze-machine, I felt closer to people. Although it was just a mechanical device, it broke through the barrier of tactile defensiveness, and I felt the love and concern of these people and was thus able to express my feelings about myself and others.
Wanting to grow is loving yourself, loving the best part of your self.
My desire/fixation/obsession with learning everything I can about this subject is my attempt to love myself, and the abused and neglected child within, which I help vicariously through helping other kids.
The result of my experiments with the squeeze-machine indicated that the pressure stimulus affected auditory thresholds.
This amazes me how much 1 sense is affected by another. In my review of the book Sound of a Miracle, Georgie's Autism was cured simply by adjusting her hearing. Temple discovered thet her hearing was changed simply by squishing herself in a machine. My Irlen lenses have calmed my hearing sensitivity.
Through the use of my squeeze-machine I learned to control my aggression and accept affection. Thus I would have periods when the nerve-attacks subsided, but during these nerve-free periods I suffered from eczema and colitis. There were times when the colitis-attacks were so severe thet I had to eat only yoghurt and jello for 3 weeks. In order to correct these disorders I needed to feel intense emotions to ease my nerves.
Throwing Autistic tantrums relieved her colitis, just as it did with me. I shat blood all my life because my Schizophrenic Gemini parents were so terrified of their own feelings they were thus afraid of mine, resulting in them nearly killing me with their religious guilt-trip BS about how me having bad feelings made me a bad person. The fact they were perpetually viciously abusive is beside the point (to them), because they maintained an outward appearance of pacifistic calm. This horrid atmosphere, stifling my Aries emotional intensity to the extent thet I bled from colitis, made my Autism much worse. If I had been allowed, and even encouraged, to vent in a healthy way, my colitis would have probably gone away.
It is like how normal people use nervous laughter to dispel anxiety. All people do this. Autistics just do it at 100 times the intensity.
The point I and Temple are making is thet "emotionally calming down" is the worst possible way to try to control/relieve/prevent an Autistic melt-down.
Because of our Sensory Processing Disorders thet are so over-stimulating, thus making everything unbearably intense, we need to vent (not necessarily expressed in any specific form) the resulting wound-up energy with equal intensity.
If you really want to shoot yourself in the foot, just try to calm down an Autistic. By interrupting or interfering with that you are forcing them to remain over-stimulated, which will work its way out through bleeding guts, or some other way thet is worse than the stim.
On my way back to the dorm I stopped at the supermarket. I walked through the sliding glass door. I did not cringe as the door glided open nor rush it as if a herd of cattle were behind me. I simply walked through like a normal person. I decided that getting along with people was like a sliding glass door. The door has to be approached slowly; it cannot be forced, otherwise it will break. Relationships with people are the same way. If they are forced, the relationship does not work. One little shove can shatter everything. One bad word can ruin months of building up trust, respect, and confidence in another person.
That night I went to a psychology department party. After everyone had left, I had a long talk with the host. He said, "You seem different tonight, Temple. Even the other students noticed it. You actually visited with your classmates. And you seemed interested in them."
"So?"
He cleared his throat. "So, that is not your usual style. You are considered by your classmates as a pretty unfeeling and uninvolved person. Some of your remarks in class would alienate a viper."
I wanted to say, "But that was before I became a cattle-chute operator, and glided through the sliding glass door."
The first person to ever mention this to me was the first singer from my second band Music Patrol (me age 20). He said "You always go, 'Rah!" He said this with a pouncing tiger gesture, claws bared.
This is Pragmatic Language Disorder, wherein I not only say things thet are inappropriate for the social context (alienating a viper), but I am simply "overly-friendly" with people (read: spilling my guts to startled strangers), thus resulting in all women thinking I am overtly in hitting on them (apparently with the accent on "hitting"), when I was oblivious to their existence, and all men having a panic-attack because they think I am a fag hitting on them. But apparently I "always go 'Rah!", bashing my ram horns through closed glass doors.
I have long since become so overly cautious in my approach thet I now make no contact at all. I believe it is due to the Normals all having Paranoid Schizophrenia; i.e., to avoid terrifying the trembling infants, I simply avoid them.
Then 29 years later, Gelica said, "You always say too much." At this point I have no clue why she would say that. I thought I had defeated it.
Recently I had a series of tests to determine my abilities and handicaps. On the Hiskey Nebraska Spacial Reasoning Test my performance was at the top of the norms. In fact it was concluded that "The ceiling of this subtest is probably too low to assess accurately her extraordinary spacial visualization ability."
Temple talks about her short-term memory problems, revealing basically the same problem I have, in thet I cannot remember 3 things at a time. If I go to practice shooting, I bring my bullets, the target, and the gun; that is 3 things. If I decide to go and pay my electric bill on my way to the shooting range, thus adding a 4th thing to the list, I arrive at the range without my gun, for it is impossible for me to add the electric bill to the list without 1 of the other things dropping off the list. It is just so frustrating, not to mention how Retarded I feel arriving at the shooting range without my gun! God damnit!
Temple describes it as, "My inability to hold one piece of information in my mind while I manipulate another piece of information", and, "When I receive directions from a gas station I have to write them down if there are more than 3 turns in the sequence."
I am only now getting to the point where I can catch myself trying to carry 3 things at once, and stop myself. I stop and put down everything, take 2 of them to the car, and then come back for the others. Even if I could have easily carried them physically all at once, I would not be able to keep track of them mentally. I get overwhelmed, and Attention Deficit all over the place and thus lose track of them all!
This may also be why it is well known thet "Nerds do not cheat." There is no way I could juggle 2 girl-friends at once.
Misinterpretation of psychological test-results could label a brilliant visual thinker as below average in intelligence. Einstein was a visual thinker who failed his high-school language requirements, and relied on visual methods of study. If Autism was ultimately prevented, maybe the price would be turning potentially gifted individuals into ones with mediocre talents.
Einstein did not speak until he was 4 years old. By the time he was in high-school he still could not speak well enough to pass his tests. But he was obviously the greatest mathematician of all time. He just thought in numbers, not words. Meanwhile, I am a literary genius who totally sucks at math.
As a child I loved being spun. The Rotor ride at the carnival became an obsession with me, and I stayed on it for hours. Spinning is an aid to the inner ear mechanism that assists balance, co-ordination, and perception.
The sense of touch is the primary learning source.
It has been shown thet when premature babies are caressed and massaged for hours each day they grow faster.
Musical and rhythmic activities are highly recommended for Autistic children. Non-verbal Autistics can sometimes sing words thet they are unable to speak.
I repeat thet I became a drummer because it was partly a Stim. I could leave my body while playing, for it was such an effective stim thet it made me feel that spiritually tranquil.
Back in the 70's country music artist Mel Tillis, who at the time was a top Star, said thet he stuttered badly as a child, but he learned thet he could sing words fluently. Thus he eventually became a professional singer. He would joke thet his career was one of "a professional stutterer."
He went on to become the official spokesperson for The Stuttering Foundation of America, and sells his paintings to raise money for speech and hearing clinics. (see MelTillis.com for more about his highly award-winning life).
Also see Lexi in Autism: the Musical practically non-verbal while singing perfect English with ease.
Temple mentions Zinc, Vitamin B6, and Magnesium as being especially good for Autistics. I can attest to this.
Be careful not to load a child up on too many drugs. Tofranil is a miracle medicine for me, but it may be awful for someone else. Overdosing youngsters with drugs can be dangerous. My personal bias is to avoid drugs in children as long as possible, and then only use them as a last resort. When drugs are called for, use one drug at a time, and carefully evaluate its effect. If more than one drug is given simultaneously, it is difficult to evaluate its effect. Giving a child medication often just masks a symptom, but finding the right drug which actually corrects or compensates for faulty biochemistry is very useful. Once an effective drug is found, use the smallest effective dose.
I concur thet most drugs are designed to mask symptoms rather than eliminate the causes.
1 of the questions asked in diagnosing Autism is whether the child uses the word "I" properly, if at all. Is referring to one's self as "me" or "I" a problem for them?
See Tito in (my review of) the book Beyond the Silence, wherein he only refers to himself as "the boy", never "me" or "I".
When I was a child I was very averse to referring to myself by name. If I knocked on a door, and someone asked "Who is it?", I would always say "Me", hoping they would recognize my voice. It was very anxiety-provoking to call myself by name. I have no clue why. It was like what I say below in my review of Women From Another Planet about how uncomfortable it was for me to say the word "lovely".
Temple ends the book with a list of 74 references.
In the appendix she mentions the classic book Nobody Nowhere (reviewed below). The point Temple makes in reference to this book is thet it's author had tremendously worse sensory disorders than Temple does, in thet her senses cross-over because her processors intermingle (this is called Synesthesia), so a scent has a sound, and a color has a scent, etc. And she is unable to even have more than 1 sense active at a time, or she becomes utterly overwhelmed. It seems so horrible. I look forward (in anxiety) to reviewing that book.
Also see Rachel in (my review of) the Alphas TV show, with her extreme sensory processing disorders (one becomes so overwhelming thet all the others turn off).
The original fetal defect in brain-development is probably responsible for the baby's avoidance of being touched and comforted. The longer a baby lives without experiencing the feeling of being comforted physically, the more likely the brain-circuits involved in the development of emotional contact with people will be damaged. Circuits which are used will be retained and enlarged, whereas circuits which are idle will shrink.
Temple could not bear to be touched by anyone, but she realized thet being hugged tightly by her squeeze-machine was tremendously advantageous. It is simply the feeling of having your skin touched thet makes the difference. It does not matter if it is a person or a machine doing the touching.
All things considered, this book is a classic Best Seller for a reason.
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Exiting Nirvana
A daughter's life with Autism
by Clara Claiborne Park
Clara wrote the below-reviewed wonderful book, The Siege, documenting the first 8 years of her severely Autistic daughter Elly's life (read that review first). In this book, written 36 years later, she tells all she has learned about and from her amazing kid (who's real name is revealed here as Jessy).
1 of the most striking symptoms Jessy has is her emotional definitions of words thet are different from the dictionary definition; i.e., certain arrangements of letters give her an emotional reaction thet makes no sense to the Normals. In the below review of The Siege I mentioned thet the word "cricket" gave her a mental-image-picture of a 1 inch tall man hanging by his hands from a clothespin.
Why I find that striking is thet I was like that myself as a child, in fact by the time I was 12 I was obsessed with, or at least fascinated by, inventing new words thet had emotional definitions to me.
Some of my favorite musicians are Bjork, Gary Numan, and Anna Homler, all of whom probably have Aspergers, as demonstrated by the fact they write song lyrics thet have emotional definitions to them, but are gibberish to anyone else.
This book starts "when my daughter is past 40". The opening page mentions Jessy's continued use of emotional-definition-words: This morning at breakfast, Jessy reports an exciting discovery. It is the word "remembrance." "A new fluffy-in-the-middle! Found in the newspaper! It is fluffy in the middle!" Her voice is triumphant, her face alight. "I saw one! With five on each side!"
Total gibberish to anyone but her - this delights me.
"Water" was also fluffy in the middle. Ten years later she was happy to explain: "At least two small letters on each side, but even. With one tall letter. Bothered me to see it for about two weeks, and then went away. And bothered me to hear it, for I think about a semester and then went away." Why did it bother her? "Combination of fluffy in the middle, and liquid, and part of the car - the radiator. Only bad if a combination of three. That called the forbidden combination." All clear now?
Would Jessy's mathematical obsessions, properly nurtured, have made her into a computer whiz? I doubt it. Her calculations led nowhere; interested in doing them, repeating them, contemplating them, but not using them. Her math is now limited to her bank book and her tax forms, her division of the weekly grocery bill, and her unerring memory for the mailbox numbers of students who graduated years ago.
I remember a midnight three years earlier, when Jessy screamed and screamed and would not sleep because a dog was barking a mile away.
The slightest noise did not hurt bad enough to make me scream, but it definitely kept me awake and enraged for the first 40 years of my life.
I found out what Jessy was up against when we spent a season in France. I thought I knew, but I had to become a foreigner to feel it. I had far more French than Jessy had English. When people spoke directly to me, when they spoke slowly, distinctly, in words I knew, about a subject with which I was familiar, I could get the gist of what they were saying. An hour of this and I was exhausted. And this is what Jessy experienced every day. No wonder she tuned out, did not, could not pay attention.
Autistic kids are known for having meltdowns; they go completely rage-attack psycho because they can no longer bear the over-stimulation. I have said myself thet my favorite thing is pitch-black dead-silence. Camping alone in the wilderness for more than 20 days is the only time I feel good.
I hear Jessy say clearly, definitely, positively, "Jane's house is in New Jersey." It sounds like a statement. Yet she does not know where Jane's house is. What we do automatically is for her an effort; to shift from "Jane's house is...", to "Is Jane's house...?" to turn a statement into a question. Jessy knows how to do it in writing, taking her time. But in speaking she will go for the easier way.
All my life I have done that - making a statement and then asking if it is true, rather than simply asking a question. I deny it is the easy way though. I had to be about 36 years old before I could recognize I was even doing it.
Today I am much more analytical of what I say, even developing a bad case of Echolalia I did not have before (or at least I was not aware of it) to (unconsciously) be sure I had worded it correctly.
As an Asperger, I always give lectures rather than have conversations. I always make statements rather than ask questions. I think it was just in this last year (since going on my GF/CF Diet) thet I have started asking questions openly (in the first try).
The inability to lie convincingly could pass as a diagnostic indicator of Autism. It is not surprising that it is mirrored by a corresponding inability to recognize deception. Temple Grandin speaks of her difficulty in allowing for the possibility of insincerity; Paul McDonnell tells us how easily a "friend" was able to borrow, then steal, the money he had worked all summer to earn. Temple and Paul navigate in the world as Jessy cannot, but they are like her in this way. Autistic people are no better at recognizing insincerity than in performing it.
In Asperger's Syndrome specifically, a superior sense of Ethics is a designated symptom.
And there are the mumbles, dark ominous, existing in a no-mans-land between verbalization and pure sound, as involuntary as her furious snaps. The snaps, at least, are interpretable; though "Why do you ask me that!" expects no answer, I can hear the meaning beneath: "I am really angry when you ask that kind of question."
But the mumbles were sub-verbal, idiosyncratic word-clusters that devolved with repetition into nonsense, nonsense that was nonetheless a reliable indicator of discomfort or displeasure. The mumbles flourished all through her teens. "Cigar three, cigar three" was one of them. Years later, her articulateness and communicativeness growing together, she explained how that began: it was "She got a three" = a strike-out. One equally mysterious: "We go on." It was from a Led Zeppelin song. Another, "Dig a roof" from a song sang at camp. If I knew the song perhaps I could guess it was, like a third strike, associated with something unpleasant, but I will never know how or why (roof, not root). Another mumble we heard often sounded like Anklyeah. There were no words hidden in that one. It represented the number seven.
Why repeating "seven" over and over was desirable to her will never be known until you recognize thet these nonsense words are used as stims to generate a sense of well-being - for though they sound like gibberish to you, they have an emotional definition to her.
Another mumble is out of the same bag of mysteries: "You caught my name." "Call?" I ask. But she is definite; the word is "caught". "Keep me from crying", she adds. "Crying make my face all stuffy". I am pleased. I am proud. At 40 she is developing her own methods of control. If it works, who cares that it is bizarre? For "crying" means a banshee wail, of all of Jessy's sounds the climactic worst. "Wee-alo! Wee-alo!" it goes up and down, up and down in an ecstasy of desolation. It is rare now, and brief, but still the same syllables, the same piercing tuneless tune - our own domestic air-raid siren.
Systems were enjoyed for their formal qualities, not their use. Someone gave her a dictionary. Perfect for the beginning reader. She spent hours pouring over it, and we rejoiced. But what was she doing? Searching out regularities. She thought about them, talked about them, wrote them down: Elf, elves; self, selves; shelf, shelves; half, halves; calf, calves; knife, knives; wife, wives; hoof, hooves; leaf, leaves; sheaf, sheaves ... "How about reef, reeves?" she asked. "How about roof, rooves?" The dictionary was crammed with meanings, gateways to knowledge and communication. We watched Jessy surrounded by words, draining them of meaning, to be absorbed into her world of abstract formalisms.
Maps, like charts, are formalism. Jessy mapped her neighborhood, she mapped our journey route by route, all the way from Western MA to RI. She diagramed floor-plans of familiar buildings. Systems ordered space; they ordered time as well. Jessy liked printed schedules, calendars, clocks.
Reading was hard. It insisted on meaning, and meaning offered Jessy no rewards. But what joyous energy she poured into locating "sheaf" and "sheaves"!
Flavors correlated with times she "look at the clock by mistake." They correlated with the number of times she soaped herself in the bath: 0 light blueberry, 1 lime, 2 lemon, 3 orange, 4 strawberry, 5 vanilla, 6 licorice, 7 chocolate, 8 grape, 9 or more is blueberry again. "Dark lemon", "dark lime" and "lime with a little bit of rice" correlated with three different kinds of "striped" cloud.
Even her pencil line proclaimed a system. "Why is the window all wiggly?" I asked of a drawing showing Jessy in bed and the moon behind her favorite tree. "It was because of the flavors", she said. "Wiggly for lime, 3/8 wiggle for lemon-lime, whole wiggle for rice pudding."
The length of a wiggly line correlated to the flavor thet symbolized the emotional definition of a picture of the moon behind a tree. Makes sense to me.
This is why I continually use the word "Communism" in my writing. Communism is the belief thet all people should be equal comrades with no class distinction. To Jessy, everything (sensory) is interchangeable as equal comrades.
A year later when the Christmas catalog came, the various delicacies received numbers: 137 for solid chocolate, 173 for chocolate with nuts, 337 for chocolate with coconut. Debosh torte was 3; with cherries it was 7 to the 100th power +1. That same number was correlated with airplane vapor trails; if 2 vapor trails crossed, the cloud at the crossing-point yielded 7 to the 200th power +2. The exponential 7 was "rice pudding with lime lime"; a 3 was rainbow colored. In the systems last stage Jessy correlated colors, flavors, and numbers with her typing errors, and correlated them with "flavor cookies".
Then gradually numbers lost their magic. We heard no more about flavor tubes. She stopped making books. She was doing more conventional art in school, and told us what she had been told, that she was now "too mature".
The school, in their evil Democratic desire to make her more normal, had destroyed her genius.
Marvelous yet sterile, these systems bespoke a mind which for all its vigor was severely limited, restricting both the ability and the desire to initiate new activities.
So she does in fact need help to become more normal, which will be good for her. But the school did not try to incorporate normalcy into her bizarrely brilliant systems, instead they just tried to make her stop using them; thus Democratically dummying her down to "normalcy".
You will never be forgiven for making me go to school where my unique genius was beaten down so I would be like the rest of the brain-dead sheep in their terrified lynch-mob of Democracy.
We read often that Autistic children are deficient in imagination, in pretend play. Current diagnostic schemes pay particular attention to the abnormal lack of imaginative activity. The lack of creative play is as unique and universal a feature as is communication and socialization failure. Few who have watched a child repeat the same sterile lineup of objects over and over will disagree. And, grown older, Autistic people who read tend not to read novels, with their confusing representation of a social world. Secure in the stability of facts, they navigate poorly among fictions.
Aspergers are known as Little Professors, with their ability to collect and retain amazing amounts of facts and figures, while having poor ability to carry on normal conversations. They give lectures about facts, rather than interact in socially-typical ways.
Anything that end with "- nus" is good. Uranus, Cygnus, minus, Janus. Why? Because NUS is "the greater light backwards." Her world is full of "enthusiasms", which is what she calls these strange sources of delight. "There are many different kinds of happiness", she tells me: "Enthusiasm, ecstasies, encouragement, enjoyment, bubbly, joy!"
Art has continued to make its contribution to Jessy's social education. She likes it when people come to see her work. She can tolerate the interruption; she can even tolerate making one of the mistakes she calls a "paint-o", a word she invented on the analogy of "typo" - to be joined immediately by "cook-o", "bake-o" and "speak-o". Paintos used to elicit the banshee wail, even when they could be fixed easily with a stroke of the brush. It is not the ease of repair that counts if you are Autistic, it is the simple fact of error, in a world that seems controllable only when things go exactly according to plan.
She scrapes the ice off the windshield on the passenger's side, her side, leaving the driver's side obscured. She thinks I can see what she sees; if she knows something, she thinks the person she is talking to knows it too. We are back in chapter 3, with the Sally/Anne test. For years we wondered; now we know that in Autism it is the cognitive, not emotional, handicap that is primary.
Does Jessy know she is different? It trails with it another less natural question: not does she know, but does she care.
To Jessy, handicaps are physical. A mental handicap is a perfect example of the kind of social generalization her mind has difficulty forming.
She knows she took a long time to learn to talk, and that she has to work harder than other people to control her behavior. That is the way we have presented her differences to her. But the comparison is ours, not hers. She knew there was a book about her; she even typed the Spanish translation. There were no books about her siblings. She did not wonder why; social comparisons were not in her scope.
Then in 1988 Rain Man came along. That extraordinary movie made people aware of a handicap few had known existed. We saw it and marveled at its accuracy and sensitivity. Here was our opportunity. Jessy was 30. Should we take her to see it? We did. She saw it twice.
For Jessy, Autism is not a difficult social condition but a collection of specifics - mumbling, crying, staring at things that go round and round. Out of her awareness of Autism has come her first social generalizations.
"Well, I have not cried for a whole month - just like other adults." Then she adds, "I know some other Autistic people cried." Like other adults? Like other Autistic people? Two comparisons: herself as "adult" and herself as "Autistic". Later she will say, after one of her now rare mumbles, "Mother, I can't help it. I'm one of the Autisms."
Jessy takes it behavior by behavior. She does not suffer because she does not have a boyfriend. She does not yearn for a baby. She has never asked why she is Autistic. Jessy knows who she is, and though she may wish she would behave differently in one case or another, she shows no sign of wanting to be anything but what she is.
Her job, not her painting, is her greatest achievement. Her painting, no matter how brilliant, is solitary. The job is social. I know of Autistic adults with college degrees who have been unable to get or keep the job which their education seems to qualify them, because they have not adapted even as well as Jessy to the social requirements of the workplace. They are some of the unhappiest people I have ever seen.
1 of the people at the Adult Asperger's Association in Tucson cried openly over her inability to even get a job, even though she had 2 college degrees. Another guy had a really good job, but commented blankly about how comfortable he was with thoughts of his own suicide.
I went through a big symbolic suicide (documented in my Getting To The Bottom of This and The I of the Storm zine series) that I fully intended to be literal, due to my utter inability to connect with anyone, even though I had a good job and enough money. Cause of death - Anomie; i.e., the inability to adjust to the culture-shock.
Childlike. I have held off from using that word, although it must have occurred more than once to anyone reading my careful transcriptions of things Jessy has said. For all the talk of discovering the child within, it is thought of as condescending to compare a mentally handicapped adult to a child. But those who have lived with Jessy know that the truest respect lies not in the wishful insistence that she is really just like other people, but in the recognition and the valuing of what she is.
Naive trust in others demonstrates a sweetness in Autistics thet should be socially valued. Instead it just sets them up to be taken advantage of by malicious users; i.e., the Normals. Normal people are the problem.
Extremely Autistic, Jessica Park will never be able to live alone or fully take care of herself. But she does have a full-time job obsessively sorting mail at the college Post Office, and also sells her paintings on her web-site. And as a final note, she has saved more money in the bank than her 3 older, Normal, and college-educated siblings.
Though not as wonderful as The Siege, Exiting Nirvana is still a very good touching book.
Also see (my review of) the documentary Oliver Sacks: Rage for Order, also about Jessica.
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A daughter's life with Autism
by Clara Claiborne Park
Clara wrote the below-reviewed wonderful book, The Siege, documenting the first 8 years of her severely Autistic daughter Elly's life (read that review first). In this book, written 36 years later, she tells all she has learned about and from her amazing kid (who's real name is revealed here as Jessy).
1 of the most striking symptoms Jessy has is her emotional definitions of words thet are different from the dictionary definition; i.e., certain arrangements of letters give her an emotional reaction thet makes no sense to the Normals. In the below review of The Siege I mentioned thet the word "cricket" gave her a mental-image-picture of a 1 inch tall man hanging by his hands from a clothespin.
Why I find that striking is thet I was like that myself as a child, in fact by the time I was 12 I was obsessed with, or at least fascinated by, inventing new words thet had emotional definitions to me.
Some of my favorite musicians are Bjork, Gary Numan, and Anna Homler, all of whom probably have Aspergers, as demonstrated by the fact they write song lyrics thet have emotional definitions to them, but are gibberish to anyone else.
This book starts "when my daughter is past 40". The opening page mentions Jessy's continued use of emotional-definition-words: This morning at breakfast, Jessy reports an exciting discovery. It is the word "remembrance." "A new fluffy-in-the-middle! Found in the newspaper! It is fluffy in the middle!" Her voice is triumphant, her face alight. "I saw one! With five on each side!"
Total gibberish to anyone but her - this delights me.
"Water" was also fluffy in the middle. Ten years later she was happy to explain: "At least two small letters on each side, but even. With one tall letter. Bothered me to see it for about two weeks, and then went away. And bothered me to hear it, for I think about a semester and then went away." Why did it bother her? "Combination of fluffy in the middle, and liquid, and part of the car - the radiator. Only bad if a combination of three. That called the forbidden combination." All clear now?
Would Jessy's mathematical obsessions, properly nurtured, have made her into a computer whiz? I doubt it. Her calculations led nowhere; interested in doing them, repeating them, contemplating them, but not using them. Her math is now limited to her bank book and her tax forms, her division of the weekly grocery bill, and her unerring memory for the mailbox numbers of students who graduated years ago.
I remember a midnight three years earlier, when Jessy screamed and screamed and would not sleep because a dog was barking a mile away.
The slightest noise did not hurt bad enough to make me scream, but it definitely kept me awake and enraged for the first 40 years of my life.
I found out what Jessy was up against when we spent a season in France. I thought I knew, but I had to become a foreigner to feel it. I had far more French than Jessy had English. When people spoke directly to me, when they spoke slowly, distinctly, in words I knew, about a subject with which I was familiar, I could get the gist of what they were saying. An hour of this and I was exhausted. And this is what Jessy experienced every day. No wonder she tuned out, did not, could not pay attention.
Autistic kids are known for having meltdowns; they go completely rage-attack psycho because they can no longer bear the over-stimulation. I have said myself thet my favorite thing is pitch-black dead-silence. Camping alone in the wilderness for more than 20 days is the only time I feel good.
I hear Jessy say clearly, definitely, positively, "Jane's house is in New Jersey." It sounds like a statement. Yet she does not know where Jane's house is. What we do automatically is for her an effort; to shift from "Jane's house is...", to "Is Jane's house...?" to turn a statement into a question. Jessy knows how to do it in writing, taking her time. But in speaking she will go for the easier way.
All my life I have done that - making a statement and then asking if it is true, rather than simply asking a question. I deny it is the easy way though. I had to be about 36 years old before I could recognize I was even doing it.
Today I am much more analytical of what I say, even developing a bad case of Echolalia I did not have before (or at least I was not aware of it) to (unconsciously) be sure I had worded it correctly.
As an Asperger, I always give lectures rather than have conversations. I always make statements rather than ask questions. I think it was just in this last year (since going on my GF/CF Diet) thet I have started asking questions openly (in the first try).
The inability to lie convincingly could pass as a diagnostic indicator of Autism. It is not surprising that it is mirrored by a corresponding inability to recognize deception. Temple Grandin speaks of her difficulty in allowing for the possibility of insincerity; Paul McDonnell tells us how easily a "friend" was able to borrow, then steal, the money he had worked all summer to earn. Temple and Paul navigate in the world as Jessy cannot, but they are like her in this way. Autistic people are no better at recognizing insincerity than in performing it.
In Asperger's Syndrome specifically, a superior sense of Ethics is a designated symptom.
And there are the mumbles, dark ominous, existing in a no-mans-land between verbalization and pure sound, as involuntary as her furious snaps. The snaps, at least, are interpretable; though "Why do you ask me that!" expects no answer, I can hear the meaning beneath: "I am really angry when you ask that kind of question."
But the mumbles were sub-verbal, idiosyncratic word-clusters that devolved with repetition into nonsense, nonsense that was nonetheless a reliable indicator of discomfort or displeasure. The mumbles flourished all through her teens. "Cigar three, cigar three" was one of them. Years later, her articulateness and communicativeness growing together, she explained how that began: it was "She got a three" = a strike-out. One equally mysterious: "We go on." It was from a Led Zeppelin song. Another, "Dig a roof" from a song sang at camp. If I knew the song perhaps I could guess it was, like a third strike, associated with something unpleasant, but I will never know how or why (roof, not root). Another mumble we heard often sounded like Anklyeah. There were no words hidden in that one. It represented the number seven.
Why repeating "seven" over and over was desirable to her will never be known until you recognize thet these nonsense words are used as stims to generate a sense of well-being - for though they sound like gibberish to you, they have an emotional definition to her.
Another mumble is out of the same bag of mysteries: "You caught my name." "Call?" I ask. But she is definite; the word is "caught". "Keep me from crying", she adds. "Crying make my face all stuffy". I am pleased. I am proud. At 40 she is developing her own methods of control. If it works, who cares that it is bizarre? For "crying" means a banshee wail, of all of Jessy's sounds the climactic worst. "Wee-alo! Wee-alo!" it goes up and down, up and down in an ecstasy of desolation. It is rare now, and brief, but still the same syllables, the same piercing tuneless tune - our own domestic air-raid siren.
Systems were enjoyed for their formal qualities, not their use. Someone gave her a dictionary. Perfect for the beginning reader. She spent hours pouring over it, and we rejoiced. But what was she doing? Searching out regularities. She thought about them, talked about them, wrote them down: Elf, elves; self, selves; shelf, shelves; half, halves; calf, calves; knife, knives; wife, wives; hoof, hooves; leaf, leaves; sheaf, sheaves ... "How about reef, reeves?" she asked. "How about roof, rooves?" The dictionary was crammed with meanings, gateways to knowledge and communication. We watched Jessy surrounded by words, draining them of meaning, to be absorbed into her world of abstract formalisms.
Maps, like charts, are formalism. Jessy mapped her neighborhood, she mapped our journey route by route, all the way from Western MA to RI. She diagramed floor-plans of familiar buildings. Systems ordered space; they ordered time as well. Jessy liked printed schedules, calendars, clocks.
Reading was hard. It insisted on meaning, and meaning offered Jessy no rewards. But what joyous energy she poured into locating "sheaf" and "sheaves"!
Flavors correlated with times she "look at the clock by mistake." They correlated with the number of times she soaped herself in the bath: 0 light blueberry, 1 lime, 2 lemon, 3 orange, 4 strawberry, 5 vanilla, 6 licorice, 7 chocolate, 8 grape, 9 or more is blueberry again. "Dark lemon", "dark lime" and "lime with a little bit of rice" correlated with three different kinds of "striped" cloud.
Even her pencil line proclaimed a system. "Why is the window all wiggly?" I asked of a drawing showing Jessy in bed and the moon behind her favorite tree. "It was because of the flavors", she said. "Wiggly for lime, 3/8 wiggle for lemon-lime, whole wiggle for rice pudding."
The length of a wiggly line correlated to the flavor thet symbolized the emotional definition of a picture of the moon behind a tree. Makes sense to me.
This is why I continually use the word "Communism" in my writing. Communism is the belief thet all people should be equal comrades with no class distinction. To Jessy, everything (sensory) is interchangeable as equal comrades.
A year later when the Christmas catalog came, the various delicacies received numbers: 137 for solid chocolate, 173 for chocolate with nuts, 337 for chocolate with coconut. Debosh torte was 3; with cherries it was 7 to the 100th power +1. That same number was correlated with airplane vapor trails; if 2 vapor trails crossed, the cloud at the crossing-point yielded 7 to the 200th power +2. The exponential 7 was "rice pudding with lime lime"; a 3 was rainbow colored. In the systems last stage Jessy correlated colors, flavors, and numbers with her typing errors, and correlated them with "flavor cookies".
Then gradually numbers lost their magic. We heard no more about flavor tubes. She stopped making books. She was doing more conventional art in school, and told us what she had been told, that she was now "too mature".
The school, in their evil Democratic desire to make her more normal, had destroyed her genius.
Marvelous yet sterile, these systems bespoke a mind which for all its vigor was severely limited, restricting both the ability and the desire to initiate new activities.
So she does in fact need help to become more normal, which will be good for her. But the school did not try to incorporate normalcy into her bizarrely brilliant systems, instead they just tried to make her stop using them; thus Democratically dummying her down to "normalcy".
You will never be forgiven for making me go to school where my unique genius was beaten down so I would be like the rest of the brain-dead sheep in their terrified lynch-mob of Democracy.
We read often that Autistic children are deficient in imagination, in pretend play. Current diagnostic schemes pay particular attention to the abnormal lack of imaginative activity. The lack of creative play is as unique and universal a feature as is communication and socialization failure. Few who have watched a child repeat the same sterile lineup of objects over and over will disagree. And, grown older, Autistic people who read tend not to read novels, with their confusing representation of a social world. Secure in the stability of facts, they navigate poorly among fictions.
Aspergers are known as Little Professors, with their ability to collect and retain amazing amounts of facts and figures, while having poor ability to carry on normal conversations. They give lectures about facts, rather than interact in socially-typical ways.
Anything that end with "- nus" is good. Uranus, Cygnus, minus, Janus. Why? Because NUS is "the greater light backwards." Her world is full of "enthusiasms", which is what she calls these strange sources of delight. "There are many different kinds of happiness", she tells me: "Enthusiasm, ecstasies, encouragement, enjoyment, bubbly, joy!"
Art has continued to make its contribution to Jessy's social education. She likes it when people come to see her work. She can tolerate the interruption; she can even tolerate making one of the mistakes she calls a "paint-o", a word she invented on the analogy of "typo" - to be joined immediately by "cook-o", "bake-o" and "speak-o". Paintos used to elicit the banshee wail, even when they could be fixed easily with a stroke of the brush. It is not the ease of repair that counts if you are Autistic, it is the simple fact of error, in a world that seems controllable only when things go exactly according to plan.
She scrapes the ice off the windshield on the passenger's side, her side, leaving the driver's side obscured. She thinks I can see what she sees; if she knows something, she thinks the person she is talking to knows it too. We are back in chapter 3, with the Sally/Anne test. For years we wondered; now we know that in Autism it is the cognitive, not emotional, handicap that is primary.
Does Jessy know she is different? It trails with it another less natural question: not does she know, but does she care.
To Jessy, handicaps are physical. A mental handicap is a perfect example of the kind of social generalization her mind has difficulty forming.
She knows she took a long time to learn to talk, and that she has to work harder than other people to control her behavior. That is the way we have presented her differences to her. But the comparison is ours, not hers. She knew there was a book about her; she even typed the Spanish translation. There were no books about her siblings. She did not wonder why; social comparisons were not in her scope.
Then in 1988 Rain Man came along. That extraordinary movie made people aware of a handicap few had known existed. We saw it and marveled at its accuracy and sensitivity. Here was our opportunity. Jessy was 30. Should we take her to see it? We did. She saw it twice.
For Jessy, Autism is not a difficult social condition but a collection of specifics - mumbling, crying, staring at things that go round and round. Out of her awareness of Autism has come her first social generalizations.
"Well, I have not cried for a whole month - just like other adults." Then she adds, "I know some other Autistic people cried." Like other adults? Like other Autistic people? Two comparisons: herself as "adult" and herself as "Autistic". Later she will say, after one of her now rare mumbles, "Mother, I can't help it. I'm one of the Autisms."
Jessy takes it behavior by behavior. She does not suffer because she does not have a boyfriend. She does not yearn for a baby. She has never asked why she is Autistic. Jessy knows who she is, and though she may wish she would behave differently in one case or another, she shows no sign of wanting to be anything but what she is.
Her job, not her painting, is her greatest achievement. Her painting, no matter how brilliant, is solitary. The job is social. I know of Autistic adults with college degrees who have been unable to get or keep the job which their education seems to qualify them, because they have not adapted even as well as Jessy to the social requirements of the workplace. They are some of the unhappiest people I have ever seen.
1 of the people at the Adult Asperger's Association in Tucson cried openly over her inability to even get a job, even though she had 2 college degrees. Another guy had a really good job, but commented blankly about how comfortable he was with thoughts of his own suicide.
I went through a big symbolic suicide (documented in my Getting To The Bottom of This and The I of the Storm zine series) that I fully intended to be literal, due to my utter inability to connect with anyone, even though I had a good job and enough money. Cause of death - Anomie; i.e., the inability to adjust to the culture-shock.
Childlike. I have held off from using that word, although it must have occurred more than once to anyone reading my careful transcriptions of things Jessy has said. For all the talk of discovering the child within, it is thought of as condescending to compare a mentally handicapped adult to a child. But those who have lived with Jessy know that the truest respect lies not in the wishful insistence that she is really just like other people, but in the recognition and the valuing of what she is.
Naive trust in others demonstrates a sweetness in Autistics thet should be socially valued. Instead it just sets them up to be taken advantage of by malicious users; i.e., the Normals. Normal people are the problem.
Extremely Autistic, Jessica Park will never be able to live alone or fully take care of herself. But she does have a full-time job obsessively sorting mail at the college Post Office, and also sells her paintings on her web-site. And as a final note, she has saved more money in the bank than her 3 older, Normal, and college-educated siblings.
Though not as wonderful as The Siege, Exiting Nirvana is still a very good touching book.
Also see (my review of) the documentary Oliver Sacks: Rage for Order, also about Jessica.
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Gut and Psychology Syndrome
by Natasha Campbell-McBride
This book is a lot like Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, wherein it was proven thet Autism is as much an intestinal problem as it is a neurological disorder.
The increase in the new diagnosis of Autism cannot be explained by genetics. Though it is true thet my father and his brother have Asperger's Syndrome, thus, so do I - it is also very common for the parents of Autistic children to almost always be brainy nerds. My dad and his brother are both math-nerd musicians. I compose music in my sleep.
The point of Natasha's comment is thet it is certainly caused by new environmental factors, such as the recent massive increase in vaccinations given to children.
She makes the point thet though Autism is now more readily recognized, thus allowing more doctors the ability to diagnose it (back in the 60's when I was a child, no one recognized I was clearly Autistic), that does not explain the fantastic increase in cases overall; i.e., the reason it was seldom diagnosed before is because it was relatively rare, not just because the doctors were ignorant of the subject.
The useless school system's Embedded Figure Test was sprung on me because they recognized (by the time I was 11!) something was wrong with me, but they had no clue what (due to the fact no one ever talked to me about it!). Today most schools would recognize immediately thet a child is Autistic (though they still have no clue what to do about it).
There is approximately a 50% overlap between Dyslexia and Dyspraxia [Dyspraxia being like a physical Dyslexia; i.e., awkward and unco-ordinated muscle movements, sometimes manifested as Dysgraphia - the way children sometimes write letters backward], and a 30 - 50% overlap between ADHD and Dyslexia. Children who suffer severe Eczema in infancy quite often develop Autistic features later in life [possibly due to the intestine-frying antibiotics used to combat the Eczema - resulting in a neurological disorder thet coincides with a skin-condition - as Dr Frankenstein Mengele shrugs in ignorance]. Autism and AD/HD overlap with every one of the above-mentioned conditions. Many Autistic children have severe allergies, Asthma, Eczema, Dyspraxia, and Dyslexia. I definitely have Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, severe allergies, and Attention Deficit. That does not make me a special case; it makes me a typical Autistic.
I have yet to meet a child with Autism, ADHD, Attention Deficit, Asthma, Eczema, allergies, Dyspraxia, or Dyslexia who has not got digestive abnormalities. It appears thet the child's digestive system holds the key to the child's mental development.
There is another group of conditions which fit into the Gut and Psychology Syndrome: Schizophrenia, depression, eating disorders, Manic-depression or Bi-polar Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder, and Compulsive Behavior Disorder.
In 1807 the father of modern psychiatry, Phillipe Pinel, after working with mental patients for many years, concluded, "The primary seat of insanity generally is in the region of the stomach and intestines." And yet the last thing a modern psychiatrist would pay attention to is the patient's digestive system! Even Hippocrates said, "All diseases begin in the gut."
The medical profession only prescribes drugs to mask the symptoms of bad diet, rather than making you eat correctly.
Autistic children have enlarged and enflamed lymph nodes in their gut wall, which is a clear sign of a fight with some infection going on there. The same Measles virus used in the MMR vaccine are found in the ileal lymph nodes of Autistic children. Once and for all proving thet Autism is caused by Vaccines!
Schizophrenia is caused by digestive abnormalities similar to Celiac Disease.
I had a number of patients who did not complain about any particular digestive problems. However, when put on the Gut And Psychology (GAPS) treatment program, they improved dramatically.
I agree thet all people should eat like an Autistic. In the above-mentioned book, Biological Treatments, it was stated thet humans have been eating Gluten and Casein for only a few thousand years, and thus we have not yet evolved the ability to digest it properly, even if your guts were not damaged by vaccines.
The digestion of wheat and milk proteins happens in 2 stages: The first occurs in the stomach, where under the influence of digestive juices produced by the stomach walls, milk and wheat proteins get split into peptides, some of which have morphine-like structures called casomorphines and gluteomorphines. It is a normal process and happens in all of us. Then these peptides move to the small intestine where the next stage of their digestion happens. They get subjected to pancreatic juices and then reach the intestinal wall where they are broken down by enzymes, called peptidases, on the microvilli of enerocytes. This is the stage that is missing in people with abnormal gut flora because of the poor state of their enterocytes. As a result casomorphines and gluteomorphines get absorbed into the bloodstream unchanged [this is called Leaky Gut Syndrome] and cause problems in the body, in particular interference with brain-function and immune system function. There has been considerable amount of research in this area in patients with Autism, Schizophrenia, Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity, Psychosis, and depression, who show high levels of casomorphines and gluteomorphines in their bodies, which mean that their gut wall is in no fit state to complete appropriate digestion of these substances. They pass directly into the bloodstream, rather than being digested into nutrients.
Many of us lack an enzyme called Lactase to digest Lactose [resulting in Lactose intolerance]. Some people manage it perfectly well, because they have one of the major lactose-digesting bacteria in their gut - E.coli! It comes as a surprise to many that the physiological strains of E.coli are essential inhabitants of a healthy digestive tract. They appear in the gut of healthy babies in the first days after birth in huge numbers, and stay at these numbers through-out life, providing they do not get destroyed by antibiotics and other environmental influences. Apart from digesting Lactose, physiological E.coli produce vitamin K2, B1, B2, B6, and B12 [thus explaining why taking mega-doses of K2 and B6 is so essential for Autistics]. They also produce antibiotic-like substances, called colicins, and control other members of their own family which can cause disease, such as the pathogenic strain of E.coli [which can kill you].
What Can Damage Gut Flora?
- Antibiotics.
Antibiotics have a devastating effect on beneficial bacteria in the human body, not only in the gut, but in other organs and tissues. Antibiotics change bacteria, viruses, and fungi from benign to pathogenic, giving them an ability to invade tissues and cause disease. Antibiotics make bacteria resistant to antibiotics, so the industry has to work on more and more powerful new antibiotics to attack these new changed bacteria. A good example of this is Tuberculosis, where wide use of antibiotics has created new varieties of the Mycobacterium Tuberculosis resistant to all existing antibiotics.
Antibiotics have a direct damaging effect on the immune system, making us more vulnerable to infections, which leads to the cycle of more antibiotics and more infections.
- Penicillins.
In this group we have very widely used Amoxicillin, Ampicillin, Flucoloxacillin, and all the other antibiotics with "cillin" at the end of their name. These drugs have a damaging effect on 2 major groups of our beneficial resident bacteria: Lactobacilli, and Bifidobacteria, while promoting growth of the pathogenic Proteus family, Streptococci and Staphylococci. This particular group of antibiotics allow bacteria normally found only in the bowel to move up to the intestine, which predisposes the person to development of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and other digestive disorders.
- Tetracyclines.
Tetracycline, Doxycycline, and other "cyclines" are routinely prescribed to teenagers for acne. Tetracyclines have a toxic effect on the gut wall by altering protein structure in the mucous membranes. This makes the gut wall vulnerable to invasion by pathogenic microbes, and it alerts the immune system to attack these changed proteins, starting an auto-immune reaction in the body against it's own gut, while stimulating growth of disease-causing Candida fungus, Staphylcocci and Clostridia in the digestive tract.
- Aminoglycosides.
Gentamycin, Kanamycin, Macrocrolide, Erythromycin and other "mycins" have a devastating effect on colonies of beneficial bacteria in the gut such as physiological E.coli and Enterococci. A prolonged course of treatment can completely eliminate these beneficial bacteria from the digestive system, leaving it open to invasion by pathogenic species of E.coli and other microbes.
- Antifungal antibiotics.
Nystatin, Amphotericin, etc, lead to selective stimulation of growth of the Proteus family and lactose-negative E.coli species, capable of causing serious disease.
Combinations of antibiotics have stronger damaging effects on the gut flora than single drugs. Damage is worse when antibiotics are administered orally and when the course of antibiotics is a lengthy 1 on a low dose, like those prescribed for acne, cystitis, ear or other chronic infections.
When an antibiotic is prescribed in a high dose, it leaves the gut with a lot of empty niches to be populated by whatever bacteria, viruses, or fungi get there first. This is a crucial time to administer a good probiotic to make sure these niches get populated by friendly bacteria instead of pathogenic ones. Even when the course of antibiotic is short and the dosage is low, it takes beneficial bacteria long time to recover - weeks to months.
Many babies get antibiotics from their mother's milk, before the infant even has a well-developed immune system.
Contraceptive pills have a devastating effect on gut flora. A baby is born with a sterile gut, and acquires most of it's gut flora from it's mother. If the mother has at any time been on contraceptive pills she will have abnormal gut flora, thus that is what she will pass on to her child, predisposing it to eczema, asthma, allergies, and learning disabilities such as Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity, and Autism.
Many other groups of drugs, including sleeping pills, heartburn meds, neuroleptics, cholinolytic drugs, cytotoxic drugs, etc, cause different damage to the gut flora, digestive system, and immune system.
A diet high in fiber from grains has a profoundly negative effect on the gut flora, gut health, and general body metabolism, predisposing the person to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, nutritional deficiencies, and many other problems including bowel cancers. Fruit and vegetables provide a better quality fiber that is not as harsh for the digestive system. Of course the blithering medical profession preaches thet a diet high in oat-bran is supposed to be good for you.
Natasha talks about breast-feeding and how it is out-right mandatory for the sake of the baby's health (as long at the mother is not on antibiotics herself).
I will interject thet the Baby-boomers were the first generation to be given massive doses of antibiotics and vaccines. Their children were thus born with damaged guts, then mostly raised on the bottle and formula, rather than natural breast-milk, resulting in the "First Wave Indigos" (read: Aspergers) who were mostly born in the 60s and 70s, and now having their own children - a mass epidemic of Autistics.
This snowball-effect gets worse from generation to generation. By 2025 these undiagnosed Autistics are going to be having children of their own, who come out of the womb totally fried (of course their deluded parents will believe they are Indigo Faerie Space-babies; see my review of the book Living In An Indigo House, wherein it is proven thet "Indigo Children" do not exist, they are just undiagnosed Aspergers). It can all be blamed on the medical profession giving antibiotics and vaccines to one generation, then declaring thet babies should be raised on cows milk, soy formula, and a massive increase in vaccinations for the next generation.
The opportunistic flora.
There are about 500 different species of them found in the human gut. Interestingly, many of these opportunistic bacteria, when in small numbers and thus under control, actually fulfill some beneficial function in the gut, like taking part in the digestion of food, and breaking down lipids and bile acids.
In the healthy gut, their numbers are limited and tightly controlled by the beneficial flora. But when this beneficial flora is weakened and damaged the opportunists get out of control. Each of these microbes is capable of causing various health problems. We carry most of our future health problems in our own gut pretty much from birth. The best-known is the fungus Candida Albicans, which causes untold misery to millions of people. Candida Albicans is never alone in the human body. Its activity and ability to survive and cause disease depend on the state of trillions of its neighbors.
Antibiotics kill a lot of different microbes in the body - the bad and the good. But they have no effect on Candida. So after every course of antibiotics Candida is left with nothing to control it [resulting in an intestinal yeast infection which causes Leaky Gut Syndrome thus food allergies, and contributes to the development of Schizophrenia, depression, eating disorders, Manic-depression or Bi-polar Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder, Compulsive Behavior Disorder, and of course Autism.]
At the dawn of the antibiotic era, the medical profession actually recognized this phenomenon, so it used to be the rule to prescribe Nystatin (an anti-Candida antibiotic) every time a broad-spectrum antibiotic was administered. However, for whatever reason, doctors stopped this practice decades ago, and now we are paying the price for it. And Candida flourishes on sugar and processed carbohydrates; i.e., the Western Diet.
Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis are linked to the activity of opportunistic gut flora getting out of control. And the medical profession's "solution" is to cut your colon out (just as their "solution" to breast cancer is to chop your tits off). Duuuh. When all you needed was Nystatin, or better yet, no antibiotics in the first place!
In the gut of the person who does not have the beneficial bacteria to protect the gut wall and control Clostridia, neurotoxins have a good chance of getting into the bloodstream and thus into the brain and the rest of the nervous system effecting their development and functioning, resulting in sensitivity to light and noise, which are typical symptoms of Tetanus infection, and other conditions like Autism, Schizophrenia, Psychosis, and Dyslexia. And the horrible medical profession routinely give you a Tetanus shot every time you bleed. Tetanus is Lock Jaw, a disease only farm animals get, is not transmittable from human to human, and is impossible for a human to even contract outside of getting an infected animal's blood or feces directly in an open wound. Thus, the Tetanus shot is absolutely useless to most humans.
The Tetanus shot is directly responsible for the bad mouth co-ordination seen in all Autistics, including the gagging on certain textures of food, and exacerbates the problems of the non-verbal Autistic. And even if you do not ever cut yourself, the corrupt drug-pushers give you a "booster-shot" every 10 years of even more Tetanus (to "protect" you against a disease thet is impossible for the average person to contract!).
Clinical Signs in Cattle.
• Stiffness and reluctance to move
• Twitching and tremors of the muscles
• Lockjaw
• Prominent protruding third eyelid
• Unsteady gait with stiff held-out tail
• Affected cattle are usually anxious and easily excited by sudden movements or handling
• Bloat is common because the rumen stops working
• Later signs include collapse, lying on1 side with legs held stiffly out, spasms and death
It is also proven thet Hypoglycemia is caused by the Tetanus shot! I used to have a very bad case of Hypoglycemia. I went to a clinic in Nevada where they gave me a Tetanus antidote, which killed the Tetanus antibodies in my system, thus instantly curing my Hypoglycemia! It also reduced my constant Autistic wincing in the pain of light and noise.
Most people I see in my clinic have abnormalities in muscle tone similar to exposure to Tetanus neurotoxins. Not caused by exposure to Tetanus in nature, but caused by the Tetanus shot. In these cases, without exception, an over-growth of Clostridia is observed.
Recent research at the University of Reading in the UK have found very high levels of Clostridia in the gut of 150 Autistic children. A second research team found high levels in 60 Autistic children, which was not present in their non-Autistic siblings.
Clostridia is resistant to antibiotics, and are spore-forming bacteria, which makes them impossible to eradicate. We can only control them with the beneficial bacteria the medical profession keeps killing off with antibiotics.
Another large group of bacteria which commonly over-grow in gut dysbiosis are sulphate-reducing bacteria. There are many species. These microbes metabolize sulphates from food into sulphites, many of which are toxic. Severe deficiency in sulphates has been found in 95% of Autistic children tested. Sulphates are needed for normal metabolism of brain neurotransmitters. The measles virus has also been found in the Autistic gut, once again proving thet vaccines cause Autism.
The herpes virus is also very active in these patients. I had warts on my hands as a child, horrible acne as a teenager, and cold-sores on my lips on-and-off all my life. All of these are varying strains of Herpes.
A Japanese professor has suggested thet 1 in 10 psychiatric conditions is due to self-intoxication coming from the bowel. As seen above, this is true. The Japanese are also the people who discovered thet Soy is poison to all humans.
Natasha explains how people with intestinal yeast infections can become addicted to eating carbohydrates because yeast digests carbos into alcohol, thus resulting in a constant state of mild drunkenness. They basically become alcoholics, even if they do not drink alcohol.
To paraphrase: Acetaldehyde is the most toxic of alcohol by-products. It alters the structure of proteins, thus making the body attack it's own tissues, resulting in auto-immune reactions (thus explaining why you feel sick if you drink too much alcohol).
1 of the most common anti-bodies against a protein is Myelin, which naturally coats brain cells and their branches. When Myelin is damaged, it causes Multiple Sclerosis. There are similarities in the neurological picture of Autistic and Dyspraxic children and patients with MS, which may be due to Acetaldehyde produced by the yeast overgrowth.
Binding to proteins, Acetaldehyde creates a functional deficiency in vitamin B6. This also happens to many other active substances in the body which have to bind to proteins in order to fulfill their purpose.
Natasha explains how Gluten and Casein mutate into opiates which make Autism symptoms much worse. Thus she supports the GF/CF Diet, but makes the point thet with some people a much stricter diet (hers) is necessary, resulting in the additional bans on Soy, Yeast, and Apples (I am on this diet, which has performed miraculously).
Biochemist Dr Alan Friedman found Deltorphin and Dermorphin in the gut of Autistic children. These are the same toxins thet are found on Poison Arrow Frogs! Further research is underway.
This is the most educational book on the dietary causes of illness I have ever read. Natasha is exceptionally educated on the subject, and presents the facts here in an easily understandable way. This book is definitely in my top 5. It shows all the ways to prevent Autism (and a dozen other illnesses) in the first place.
She talks some more about the necessity of breast-feeding, and how babies get their immune system from their mother's milk. Of course, if the mother has intestinal yeast overgrowth, Leaky Gut Syndrome, is drinking cow's milk, or is taking antibiotics herself, the baby will refuse the breast, or fall dead asleep after 2 sucks. This konking-out is due to the opiates in mom's milk, caused by her awful diet thus bad intestinal condition producing the equivalent of opium in her milk. Natasha goes into detail explaining just how what problems in Mom produces what problems for Baby.
Then she tells how bottle-fed babies generate totally different gut flora than breast-fed babies, resulting in Eczema and Asthma.
Once Baby has established the abnormal gut flora, if Mom stops breast-feeding, the baby will no longer be receiving the antibodies from her milk, thus you can practically time it with a stop-watch, seeing the physical illnesses caused by the abnormal gut flora erupt into Autism (or another dozen illnesses) when Mom's immune system is no longer being ingested by Baby.
Natasha interjects many insights (to paraphrase): "A lot of severe cases of Eczema in babies can be relieved by Mom removing milk from her own diet." I shall again try to convince you thet milk causes breast cancer, and (along with Soy) should be considered poison to all humans.
Concerning the health of these sickly children, when asked about the health of the grandparents, particularly on the mother's side, it becomes obvious thet we have generations of people with compromised gut flora. This damage becomes deeper with each generation. The era of antibiotics, contraceptive pills, breast-feeding going out of fashion, and drastic changes in diet (from a organic farm-based culture to factory-mass-production of processed food) have all contributed to this phenomenon. Should it come as a surprise thet we now have an epidemic of Autism? On the whole, having met families with Autistic children, I usually find thet the entire family needs treatment.
Vaccinations.
A compromised immune system is not going to react to environmental insults in a normal way. Vaccination is a huge insult to the immune system. However, in our modern society, we are rapidly moving to a situation where our children do not have a normal immune system. In some of these children, vaccinations become the last straw, and brings on Autism, Asthma, Eczema, Diabetes, etc. If the child's immune system is severely compromised, they will become ill even if vaccinations are completely avoided. In my clinic I see growing numbers of children who have not been vaccinated, yet they suffer from Autism, AD/HD, Asthma, Eczema, and other problems (of intestinal origin). In this (precarious intestinal) state, the child's immune system appears to be the decisive factor, not the vaccines.
Following the scandals around vaccination injury, it is no surprise thet a lot of people around the world believe we should abandon childhood vaccination altogether. Most vaccinations contain Mercury and Formaldehyde among other deadly poisons. All vaccinations are damaging to any person. What people forget is thet before the vaccination era it was quite normal for every family to lose children to infections like Measles, Rubella, Mumps, and others. This is natural selection Mother Nature has imposed on all living creatures - weeding out the runts who are not genetically qualified to contribute to the next generation of Alpha Plusses. To this day women do not select the geniuses to breed with, they choose the jocks. This is natural (female) animal instinct, to have strong babies rather than smart ones. He may be the smartest man on Earth, but does anyone really want to get pregnant by Steven Hawkings? No, because he is a physical runt, who, in nature, would have died a long time ago. In most species, most of the babies in the litter die, with only the strongest surviving. Mother Nature may be a Nazi, but she is correct. Only the Alpha Plusses have the right to breed.
I propose the following procedure: A comprehensive immunological survey should be performed on every baby before a decision is made about vaccination. This survey should include:
1) A questionnaire to assess the health history of the parents and the infant.
2) A comprehensive stool and urine analysis to assess any risk of gut dysbiosis in the baby.
3) A test to assess the infant's immune status.
The results should be put into a pre-vaccination panel for all babies, and play the essential part in the process of deciding which of the following steps to take:
1) No vaccinations at all.
2) Delayed vaccination until the results of the test are better.
3) Standard vaccination protocol, but with single vaccines only.
Schizophrenia.
Like most drugs in modern medicine, they are symptomatic, which means they only reduce the symptoms without treating the disease [masking symptoms rather than eliminating the cause]. On the average, anti-psychotic drugs reduce the symptoms by only 15 to 25%, leaving 75 to 85% of the symptoms unresolved.
Before the era of pharmaceuticals ruling medicine, psychiatrists routinely recorded thet psychiatric patients not only had psychiatric problems, but were also very ill physically. In the old Textbook of Psychiatry, published in 1937, it clearly stated: "A thorough physical examination is absolutely essential in every case - Schizophrenics are commonly poorly nourished."
Recent research proves this to be correct. Deficiencies in vitamins and minerals are routinely recorded in Schizophrenic patients. Doctors have proven thet patients can be cured with supplementation of B3, B12, folic acid, and Vitamin C. Dr Carl Pfeiffer showed thet out of 20,000 patients, treating them with nutritional supplementation and diet can be far more effective than prescription drugs.
200 years ago French psychiatrists wrote thet "The primary seat of insanity generally is in the region of the stomach and intestines."
There is a considerable overlap between Celeac Disease and Schizophrenia, and the symptoms of Schizophrenia can be dramatically relieved by cutting out all grain from the diet (the Gluten Free "Autism Diet").
Some cultures in the South Pacific, which never consume grain, had no Schizophrenia. Only when they adopted a Western diet full of grains did they start getting cases of Schizophrenia [proving it was not the result of this gene-pool's genetics].
Another good example is Ireland, where people did not consume grain until the potato famine of 1845. Before then there were no recorded cases of Celiac Disease nor Schizophrenia in Ireland. Since adopting wheat as their staple food, the Irish have acquired 1 of the highest incidences of Celiac and Schizophrenia in the world!
In the late 70s it was discovered thet Gluten from grain and Casein from milk turned into opiates in the digestive system, which absorb into the blood, cross the blood-brain barrier, and effect the brain. These opiates were found in the urine of Schizophrenic patients, and later in the urine of Autistics. This is how Autism and Schizophrenia found themselves in the same company. 2 different illnesses with the same cause - food.
Drug-pushers.
Anti-psychotic drugs change the biochemistry of the brain and even the structure of the brain. Long-term use of neuroleptic drugs cause brain atrophy. On top of that, anti-psychotic drugs have a long list of additional unpleasant side-effects, and are toxic.
Pellagra.
Pellagra is a deficiency of vitamin B3. The typical symptoms can look very much like Schizophrenia: delusions, hallucinations, confusion, headaches, anxiety, depression, irritability, with a lot of physical symptoms, such as dermatitis, chronic diarrhea, and inflammation of the mucus membranes. It used to affect poor populations who's diet was mainly corn-based. Until the real cause of this disorder was discovered, Pellagrines were treated almost like Lepers. People thought it was infectious and contagious until it was discovered that a diet rich in B3 completely cures it. Canadian psychiatrists have helped thousands of Schizophrenics by simply supplementing their diet with very large doses of B3.
Epilepsy.
There are over 25 different illnesses thet resemble true Epilepsy. Unfortunately, since the invention of anti-epileptic drugs, mainstream medicine does not seem to be interested in finding out what causes it. It is a fact thet 70% of children who suffer a seizure will never have 1 again, but most of these children will be put on drugs for life. These drugs "work" by suppressing brain activity; they neither cure the condition nor prevent susceptibility to seizures. I have lost count of how many parents described their child as a "zombie" due to anti-epileptic drugs.
When these drugs fail, the patient is offered brain-surgery or a Vagus Nerve Stimulator (VNS). Why not just give them a lobotomy! Duuuh.
Brain surgery; just cut the nerves loose so you cannot have seizures [nor anything else], or VNS, which produces and electric shock, short-circuiting the nerves.
According to Wikipedia: In the only randomized controlled trial, VNS failed to perform any better when turned on than in otherwise similar implanted patients whose device was turned off.
Dr Frankenstein Mengele hard at work!
The medical profession is only interested in masking symptoms rather than addressing causes; i.e., "You have a stomach ache, so lets cut your brain out and see what happens."
Natasha goes on to present us with a list of hair-raising side-effects of psychiatric drugs, revealing thet all of them are harmful (many of them actually cause the very vitamin deficiency thet is making the patient sick) and 100% experimental.
Many older textbooks point out thet patients with Epilepsy are deficient in vitamin B6, so before any drugs are considered it is recommended to give the person B6 injections first. Indeed, there are published cases where Epilepsy was cured with vitamin B6 injections alone. Unfortunately, modern treatments for Epilepsy do not include vitamin therapy. This is due to the medical and psychiatric professions being "bought out" by Big Pharma. Medical schools are actually funded by the Pharmaceutical industry - the graduates from which are just brain-washed drug-dealers.
From antiquity, starting with Hippocrates, Epilepsy has been treated with fasting. 3 American doctors reported thet many of their patients were never afflicted by fits again after completing a 21-day fast, particularly if it was followed by a low-carb (no Gluten) diet.
Natasha goes on to explain exactly how the body chemistry works.
In the 1920s the Mayo Clinic invented the Ketogenic Diet, which tricks the body into believing it is starving, thus re-programming it to digest fat only. This cures Epilepsy.
We have had this information since Hippocrates, but Big Pharma has intentionally withheld it, not caring who it kills and maims, as long as they make a buck. Again I direct you to the movie Her Name Is Sabine, where we see poor Oliver drugged to oblivion on useless Epilepsy drugs while still having 5 seizures a day, when all thet is wrong with him is vitamin deficiencies and a food-intolerance!
The latest 19 studies into the effectiveness of the Ketogenic Diet has concluded thet half the patients achieve a 50% reduction in seizures, and 1/3 achieve a 90% reduction. To be successful, the diet has to be followed for 2 years at least. About 10% of children on the Ketogenic Diet become seizure-free, and once they have had no fits for 6 months, the diet can be discontinued. For about 20% of patients, the fits return when the diet is discontinued. If the diet was the first-line treatment instead of drugs, the number of cures could be the same as the numbers reported in the 1920s. But the flaming death-spiral of educational devolution in the medical profession assures this never happens.
Natasha goes on to explain how, in the 1970s, this diet was further refined into the MCT Diet which cures Epilepsy. Meanwhile your Doctor will say in a panic, "You are not taking vitamins are you? Those things can kill you!"
As Candida and other yeasts thrive on sugars, the Anti-Candida Diet aims to remove all food thet contains it: fructose, sucrose, lactose, maltose, and other sugars even including honey and maple syrup. Fruit is excluded from the diet, as it is a source of simple sugars. In fact Apple juice has a higher amount of sugar than soft-drinks. Feeding kids apple juice is the worst dietary insanity you can come up with - it is like feeding them pure liquid sugar; and apples are poisonous to Autistics.
As Candida over-growth can cause allergies to other fungi and molds, all fungi and fermented foods are also eliminated. Yeast and baked goods made with yeast, such as breads and pastries, soured milk products such as kefir, yoghurt, and sour cream, all cheeses, all fermented beverages, vinegar, malt, mushrooms, dried fruit and fruit juices, and even tea and coffee. However, grains are not excluded from the diet; corn, barley, wheat, rye, millet, oats, rice, etc, and foods made out of them, as long as they do not include yeast.
The anti-Candida (yeast-killing) diet is designed to heal the damaged intestines. It probably works wonders. The problem with it is thet it includes Gluten, which Autistics and Celiacs cannot touch. The only grains these people can ingest is rice, millet, corn-meal, quinoa, and teff, for they are the only ones thet do not contain Gluten.
Also included in the Anti-Candida Diet are starchy vegetables, such as potatoes, yams, sweet potatoes, Jerusalem Artichoke, etc.
This diet, combined with the GF/CF Diet, and often the Phenol-free Diet are promoted for Autistics. What it boils down to is basically rice and potatoes. Unfortunately, this results in a High-Carb diet, which allows the inflamed and damaged gut to remain in bad shape, keeping up the toxicity.
Thus the GAPS patient needs to avoid: All grains, all starchy vegetables, sugar (in any form), starchy beans, and Lactose (milk in any form).
What about fiber? The manufacturers claim thet with a bowl of their product you will get all the fiber you need. Unfortunately it is the wrong kind of fiber. The fiber in breakfast cereals is full of Phytates - substances that bind essential minerals and take them out of your system, contributing to the patient's mineral deficiencies.
Natasha explains the appalling process used to make whole wheat grains into processed white flour - and people actually eat this crap!
Even more startling is "The White Death"; i.e., SUGAR, which she explains more hair-raising details about. The average person consuming the average Western diet will ingest 160 pounds of sugar a year. It has no nutritional food value and causes numerous physical ailments.
She goes on to warn us of the horror thet is "soft drinks"; the word "soft" being the ultimate false-advertising.
She declares thet no one should eat any processed foods what-so-ever. I agree.
Then comes the point I was making above about Soy being poison. The genetically modified Frankenbeans have all their fiber removed with alkali, then washed with acid in aluminum tanks, wherein they absorb the Aluminum. Alzheimer's is caused by aluminum poisoning. This goo is then treated with nitrates, which cause cancer. The resulting practically-tasteless powder is then added to 60% of all processed foods, often labeled "soy protien" or "modified food starch".
The natural soy bean it's self is a natural Goitrogen; i.e., it impairs iodine absorption, and reduces thyroid function - extreme symptoms of which is a Goiter. GAPS patients are without exception hypothyroid. Having Soy in the child's diet will reduce the thyroid function even further.
Soy also has the ability to absorb minerals from your gut.
Every Autistic child tested was found to have a very high Soy allergy.
Most "infant formula" is made of Soy, thus contributing to the snowball of Autism.
After telling us what not to eat, Natasha then presents us with assorted diets for specific diseases; i.e., what to eat.
For those with Crohn's and Ulcerative Colitis, the Specific Carbohydrate Diet is recommended. People with these bleeding guts type of disorders can usually digest fats and proteins, while complex carbohydrates from grains and starchy vegetables make them worse. All sugars (lactose, fructose, maltose, etc) are excluded, but certain fruit and veg are not only tolerated, but actually help the healing process. Evidence of this was published in 1952 in the book The Management of Celiac Disease by Dr Sidney V Haas and Merrill P Haas. Unfortunately the pharmaceutical industry buried this information and brainwashed Dr Frankenstein Mengela to cut your guts out and put you on prescription drugs for the rest of your life.
Meanwhile the criteria for diagnosis was altered, leaving out several symptoms thet would result in a diagnosis of Celiac. It was instead simplified down to only include symptoms thet could be labeled as Gluten Intolerance, resulting in the Gluten-free Diet (which does help miraculously). But, many people who could be diagnosed with Celiac in 1951 are falling through the cracks in diagnosis today, [having their guts cut out by shrugging moron doctors who do not know how to recognize the cause of illness].
Celiac Disease was eventually defined as Gluten Intolerance, which excluded a great number of various other gut problems from the diagnosis. And as the Gluten-free Diet was pronounced an effective treatment for Celiac, the Specific Carbohydrate Diet was forgotten as out-dated information. And all those other inflammatory gut conditions, which previously fell out of the sphere of true Celiac, got forgotten as well. The true Celiac Disease is fairly rare, so the "officially-forgotten" gut conditions constitute a very large group of patients which used to be diagnosed as Celiac, but do not respond to treatment with the Gluten-free Diet alone. Incidentally, a lot of true Celiac patients do not get better on the Gluten-free diet either. But all these conditions do respond well to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet developed by Dr Haas.
In 1958 a frustrated mom with a sickly child re-discovered the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, curing her child who had Ulcerative Colitis. She went on to help thousands of people suffering from Colitis, Crohn's, Celiac, Diverticulitis, Chronic Diarrhea, etc.
The most dramatic and fast recoveries were reported in young children who, along with their digestive problems, had serious "behavioral" abnormalities, such as Autism, Hyper-activity, and Night-terrors. She (Elaine Gottschall) went on to publish her own book, Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health Through Diet, promoting the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.
What about milk?
Lactose is a milk-sugar with a double molecule. 25 - 90% of humanity are not able to digest it. Any person with any intestinal complaint is probably Lactose Intolerant.
The Casein from milk is always found at toxic levels in Autistics' and Schizophrenics' urine. Get the hint: Milk is poison!
Researchers have shown thet Beta-Casomorphin 7, a specific Casein Protein, is taken up by 32 parts of the brain, many of which are responsible for vision, hearing, and communication - resulting in, or at least exacerbating the symptoms of, Sensory Processing Disorders.
Meanwhile babies often get Colic, which is caused by them ingesting cow's milk. Even if they are strictly breast-fed, they can still get Colic if their mother drinks cow's milk.
This is true even if you have your own healthy "organic" grass-fed cow. But it is even worse if you are like the majority of people who get their milk from a plastic jug off the grocery-store shelf. This milk is from feed-lot raised factory-farm cows who are fed a chemical concoction of growth-hormones and antibiotics. Then the milk is pasteurized (pressure cooked) to kill all the bacteria, which also kills the natural probiotics in it that could help it digest.
The level of pus thet is allowed in factory-farmed milk, from sickly drugged cows, will gross you out. Dear Gawd! People drink this crap.
Natasha discusses the Goat vs Cow dilemma (which 1 is the less of 2 evils?). The facts are, cow's milk is acid, whereas goat's milk is alkali, thus goat's milk digests in 15 minutes, whereas cow's milk takes 45. As a child, cow's milk gave me a stomach ache, while goat's milk felt soothing.
Unfortunately, though goat's milk is considered more digestible by humans, as it contains less Casein, and has different types of fats and proteins than Cow's milk, when it comes to Beta-casein, which is the problem for Autistics and Schizophrenics, goat's milk actually contains more of it than cow's milk.
Veterinarians tell pet-owners to never feed cats or dogs pasteurized milk. If you give a cat pasteurized cow's milk it's guts become distended and hard from tremendous gas pressure which is very painful to the cat; i.e., cats are Lactose Intolerant. The belief thet kittens should drink milk is as absurd as the belief thet children should drink apple juice. Both are poison!
Some people being put onto the GF/CF Diet panic and think they are going to starve. They have been so conditioned to be dependent upon the fast-food way of feeding themselves, thet when you tell them they have to cook for themselves they freak-out and feel persecuted. Worse yet is the parent who declares thet Twinkies and Cool-aide is all their monster-child will eat; oh the trauma of having to make your kid eat properly! These are unfit parents.
Eating rice, beans, green veg, root veg, period, is not hard at all. Rice comes in at least 5 varieties, each 1 of which tastes different. Green veg includes anything green on Earth. Root veg includes carrots, beets, potatoes, yams, rutabagas, turnips, parsnips, etc. Beans also come in many varieties, each 1 of which tastes different. Mung beans are the ones used to make bean-sprouts; I love to cook them like Pinto beans. They are quite tasty.
Natasha's GAPS Diet forbids any grains at all, but the GF/CF Diet only restricts those grains thet have Gluten in them: wheat, rye, barley, and peanuts. This means you can still eat teff, millet, rice, spelt, oats, and quinoa. You can also eat Gluten-free nuts, and nut milks such as almond, rice, flax, coconut, and even hemp milk - which I ingest by the gallon, and is also quite good, not to mention are an amazingly diverse collection of differing tastes.
Declaring in tortured hysterics thet you or your spoiled child will starve by eating GF/CF is absurd. Just recognize thet the reason you eat fast-food is because the TV told you to, not because you have no choice or do not have time to cook. Dry beans take less than 5 minutes of your time to cook; you put them in the pot, bring it to a boil to break the outer shell, turn off the stove, and go to bed. In the morning the beans are "cooked", simply by soaking over-night. I also "cook" rice and millet this way.
I also carry a whole crate full of canned foods in my car at all times - mostly green veg; my car being my grab-and-go-backpack in case of natural disaster. And my day-job having an erratic schedule, they often call me 2 or 3 times a week to change my hours, thus I sometimes really do not have time to "go eat" or pack a lunch. I also gained this ability by Motorcycle Adventure Riding, wherein I travel 100% self-contained, on $5.00 a day. Now me and my car are also self-contained. The point is thet there is no reason why you cannot have a weeks worth of food in the trunk of your car at all times, thus taking 5 minutes to eat rather than the 15 you would spend at the fast-food drive-through.
Natasha presents a list of web-sites thet promote GF/CF or even GAPS Diets:
www.gaps.me
www.scdiet.org
www.breakingtheviciouscycle.com
www.pecanbread.com
www.uclbs.org
So I looked them up.
www.gaps.me is Natasha's own web-site, which begins with this:
This website has not been designed as a replacement for the GAPS book, but as a source of additional information. Please read the GAPS book first to understand how and why this particular diet works, why other diets are inappropriate for the GAPS patients, and how to implement the appropriate diet correctly.
www.scdiet.org. This is for the Specific Carbohydrate Diet mentioned above. The web-site includes dozens of other links to assorted web-sites thet promote healthy diet and GF recipes.
www.breakingtheviciouscycle.com is the web-site of the above-mentioned "Frustrated Mom" Elaine Gottschall. It opens with this:
The Specific Carbohydrate Diet has proven to be highly successful for many who suffer from various bowel disorders as well as the many related problems which actually stem from imbalances in the intestinal tract.
This site makes details available for those who wish to know more about the diet. It also offers the latest SCD-related news as well as ongoing updates to the information presented in the book.
www.pecanbread.com. This is Elaine Gottschall's other site thet promotes her own book on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. It is also an Autism-specific supplement to breakingtheviciouscycle.com.
www.uclbs.com has this:
The Upper Canada Lower Bowel Society is a group of people in southern Ontario who offer information and encouragement to others in the area who are battling inflammatory bowel diseases such as Crohn's, Ulcerative Colitis, Diverticulitis, Celiac, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Autism, and Cystic Fibrosis by following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.
Natasha spends a couple of pages listing all the nutrients in assorted meats, revealing thet the vitamins in grain are not as digestible as the vitamins in meat. It is similar to the way the calcium in milk is useless but the calcium in vegetables is absorbed well.
Fruit generally interferes with the digestion of meats and should be eaten between meals. Vegetables combine with meats and fish very well, and would provide the missing nutrients.
After ingesting meat and fish our tissues accumulate acids. After digesting vegetables our body becomes alkaline. By combining the meats and vegetables in 1 meal we balance the acidity in the body, whereas fruits are acidic.
I am going to review the book, Eat Right For Your Type next (see my review, above), because it elaborates greatly on how the digestion works in relation to the specific blood type of the consumer. I am Type O blood, that means I have a very high level of stomach acid. This allows me to eat a lot of fat with no digestive problem, but I get horrible acid reflux if I ingest citrus. Meanwhile, someone with Type A blood will have trouble digesting fats, but thrive on acidic fruit.
She goes on to rave about the splendiferous benefits of liver, stating thet the nutrients in liver far out-weigh the nutrients in the finest vitamin pills, thus GAPS patients (and everyone else) should eat liver every day.
Meats cooked in water are easier to digest for a person with a sensitive digestive system. Avoid lean meats - our physiology can only use meat fibers when they come with the fat, collagen, and other substances thet a proper piece of meat will provide. When we eat poultry, it is important to eat the skin and the fats. When we eat fish, it is important to eat the skin.
Eggs are the most nourishing and easy to digest foods on this planet. Raw egg yolk has been compared with human breast milk because it can be absorbed almost 100% without needing digestion.
Due to the moronic medical profession, we have been brain-washed to believe eating Cholesterol is bad for you - eggs being high in Cholesterol. The facts are: 85% of blood Cholesterol does not come from food, but is produced by the liver in response to consumption of processed carbohydrates and sugar. Of course she recommends free-range organic eggs. She then recommends thet we read her other book, Put You Heart In Your Mouth, which elaborates on the scam thet is "eating-Cholesterol-causes-heart-disease".
Those with high amounts of stomach acid (Type O blood) digest meat and fats easily. However, Natasha points out thet eating acidic fruit with meat interferes with digestion. This seems odd, in thet since it is the high acid thet digests the meat, it would seem logical thet eating more acid would help digest fat. But now thet she mentions it, I would always get a stomach ache from eating meat, thus convincing me to become a vegetarian, back when I lived in Oregon where acidy fruit is plentiful and free. I was ingesting mostly fruit, which resulted in my stomach aching from it's inability to digest fats. I eliminated the stomach-ache-producing meat, which resulted in me eating even more acidic fruit. At my bleeding-guts-worse, I was consuming mostly acidic fruit, gobbling ant-acids by the pound, and shitting blood every day. It makes me wonder if my then excessive stomach acid was making my guts practically digest themselves.
Then I discovered thet I am Type O blood and thet Type Os cannot eat acid, so I removed the acidic fruit from my diet. Without the acidic fruit in my guts, I started craving fats. Today my intestinal state is superb, totally healed. I can eat all the meat I want and never get a stomach ache.
All Dr Frankenstein Mengele can do is poke prescription ant-acids down your throat, which cause even more intestinal damage. "Acid Reflux Disease!" There is no such thing.
Natasha goes on to warn against commercially-produced fruit-juices, because they are pasteurized, thus killing the nutrients in them, leaving nothing left but fructose, which is basically liquid sugar. Never feed a child apple juice!
She says cooking vegetable oils kills the nutrients in them, thus we should only cook with animal fat. Cold-pressed oils are healthy as long as you do not cook them.
She suggests thet we do not ingest cold water, as cold water makes the gut contract, making the bad digestion worse. Always drink warm fluids.
The gelatinous soft tissue around the bones and bone marrow provide some of the best healing remedies for the gut lining and the immune system; you need to consume them with every meal.
Never use microwaves, they destroy food.
She recommends adding nut-flour breads to your diet as the first thing to eat after warm water and Probiotics. This is good for healing the gut, but only for those who are not Autistic (many nuts contain Gluten) or allergic to nuts.
The diet evolves with the addition of sour dough, the fermentation and enzymes of which adding to the diversity of intestinal flora.
When I accidentally ate rotten food thet gave me Salmonella or Botulism, I puked my guts out. To keep from getting dehydrated, I drank as much water as I could gag down, only to immediately throw it up again. I kept ingesting massive amounts of water, throwing up and drinking more water until the toxins were washed out. I was at last rid of the poison, but I had also washed all the enzymes out of my stomach. I went for another 2 whole days of not being able to eat anything at all. My stomach was simply not equipped to digest anything, and I would gag at the mere thought of eating. So I ate raw sour dough with honey and goat's milk yoghurt. All of this soured and fermented foods re-infused my system with the digestive enzymes it needed to get back to normal. By the next day I could at last eat again.
Unfortunately the type of flour thet sours easily is either wheat, rye, or barley, all the grains thet are high in Gluten and thus must be avoided by Autistics. So you should eat Probiotics instead. Of course sour milk products such as buttermilk, kefir, yoghurt, etc, are obviously loaded with Casein. You can buy Probiotic tablets at any healthfood store.
From my clinical observations I have yet to meet a healthy vegetarian.
As I said above, when I eliminated the stomach-ache-inducing meat from my diet, I got severe Acid Reflux. Thus eliminating the meat was not the answer, eliminating the acidic fruit was.
I also believed the absolute bullshit thet a low salt diet was good for me. This resulted in my mercury-poisoning-induced inability to handle heat become much worse. I was on the verge of heat-stroke all summer long (even though I lived in Western Oregon where the summers are hardly ever above 85 degrees F). As we know, to handle heat you must ingest a lot of salt. After I got the mercury out of my teeth, I stopped sun-burning and could handle heat so much better thet I can now live in the scorching Southern Arizona, while ingesting a lot of salt!
As you may have noticed, any time you get injured, the first thing the Paramedics do is stick an IV of saline solution directly into your veins. Saline solution is basically liquid salt! Salt is very good for you. Eat a lot of it, a lot of meat, and a lot of Cholesterol (and drive a stake through Frankenstein Mengele's heart).
All the corrupt puppet/whores of the pharmaceutical industry medical profession can do is mask the symptoms of your illnesses thet are caused by their moronically-recommended low salt, low fat, low Cholesterol diets.
When Sara was 10 she decided to become a vegetarian because she felt sorry for animals. As typically happens in this sort of situation, Sara's vegetarianism translated into living largely on pasta and cheese, bread and cakes, chocolate bars, and vegetarian sandwiches. After 1 to 2 years of her vegetarianism she developed digestive problems, and became very susceptible to any cold or virus going around. She had developed the typical picture of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, with bloating, constipation, and abdominal pain. A chain of chest infections were treated with numerous courses of antibiotics. At 15 she was diagnosed with Anorexia. After 1 year of hospital treatment her Anorexia was replaced with Bulimia. Sara became depressed and had very low levels of energy. She found it difficult to study, work, or participate in any social activity. She developed suicidal thoughts and a desire to hurt herself. After a few suicide attempts she ended up in a psychiatric hospital under the control of neuroleptic drugs.
Misguided vegetarianism [in this case, bleeding-heart animal's rights bullshit] is fast becoming a major cause of mental illness in our young people. Plant foods are hard to digest, and they contain a list of anti-nutrients, which can damage the gut; digestive problems are the first symptoms which appear in those beginner vegetarians.
As 1 example, apples are a negative calorie food; i.e., it takes more calories to digest it than there are in it. Plus they are high in Phenol, which is poisonous to humans.
From my perspective, Oregon has a 100% Paranoid Schizophrenic population. It also has a very high percentage of animal's rights/victim-identifier, vegans! The 3 major Anarchist organizations in the USA are based in Oregon, the land of the professionally-offended. All 3 terrorist hate-groups, Earth First, Animal Liberation Front, and Earth Liberation Front are based there. Most Oregonians are paranoid assholes. Oregon also has the second highest rate of suicide in the USA. Is this mass-insanity caused by the fact most of them are mentally-ill Vegetarians? Possibly.
A decade after writing the above, Portland Oregon became the ANTIFA Capitol of the world. No purprise.
The only beings thet should live entirely on plants are ruminants; i.e. animals who have a 4-compartment stomach and chew a cud. 90% of the digestion process for a cow takes place in its mouth, where it re-chews it's food 4 times before it goes into the intestines to have the nutrients absorbed. The human digestion system only has 1 small stomach thet produces acid and pepsin, not digestive enzymes.
An excellent book on the subject is The Vegetarian Myth by Lierre Keith.
It is rare to meet a GAPS patient who is not a finicky eater. This is especially true of Autistics.
First, the GAPS brain is clogged with toxicity, and cannot process information properly. The taste and texture of foods can be quite offensive to them.
All Autistics gag on certain textures of food. For me it is vitamin pills. I have to put 1 pill in my mouth, then guzzle seed-milk 6 gulps or so before the pill will go down. My body filters out the pill, but allows the seed-milk to pass, me gagging the whole time. Sometimes I consume over a quart of seed-milk in order to get a handful of pills to go down. I know of an Aspie kid who gags if he even sees someone else swallow pills.
Second is the craving for sweet and starchy foods. This is typical of people with abnormal bodily flora, especially Candida albicans; i.e., intestinal yeast infection. Yeast thrives on sugars, thus making you crave such things. I would guess thet all alcoholics have an intestinal yeast infection - explaining why most people love to combine pizza with beer.
Third, Natasha explains how the imbalance in the bacteria in the mouth contributes to the gag-reflex; specifically, Fresh fruit binds with the abnormal bacteria in it's attempt to take it out of the body. This binding can feel like burning, itching, or stinging, which is part of what makes Autistic kids such finicky eaters.
I will interject thet my gagging on certain textures is not caused by such things (though I may have had that at times in my childhood). For me it is simply the Sensory Processing Disorder - the sound of air hand-driers triggering a panic response, the texture of vitamin pills triggering a gag response.
As another reference-point, film critic Roger Ebert got cancer in his saliva glands. It spread horribly, and so the evil medical profession ended up removing his entire lower jaw, tongue, and voice-box! Having always been a pasty-looking fat guy, his diet must have been awful, but Dr Frankenstein Mengele, instead of addressing the cause of his cancer (bad diet), "masked the symptoms" by cutting half his head off! I suggest what may have been wrong with him was the snow-ball effect thet started with a simple intestinal yeast infection.
Natasha says point-blank thet Autism is a GAPS Disorder, and thet it is the cause (at least in part) of the classic symptoms of Autistic bad mouth co-ordination. She is correct, though, as I said above, originating-in-the-brain-Sensory Processing Disorders also play a part.
Obsessive behaviors and self-stimulation generally should not be encouraged in Autistic children.
The facts are, stimming is necessary for an Autistic as their way of calming their over-stimulated senses. It is also comforting to them to be fixated on a specific thought or action, repeating it over and over to create order in their scrambled senses, which would otherwise result in their deer-in-headlights reaction to Sensory Processing Disorders, and eventually a tantrum of rage because they cannot tune it out. The problem is thet the child will escape into it (as opposed to using it temporarily to relieve stress) if allowed to do nothing but stim non-stop; they can become addicted.
In Donna Williams' book Nobody Nowhere, she told of herself teaching a screaming Autistic child to Stim herself to calm. In this case encouraging the child to do so, saved her from developing uncontrollable rage-attacks.
Natasha declares thet "weaning foods", usually grain-based, are totally inappropriate, and thet babies should be given meat-broth instead. She also recommends thet babies be breast-fed beyond the age of 2 (by a mom who is on the GAPS Diet). I agree with all of this.
There is no doubt that psychological factors play a role in developing eating-disorders. However, the official position that it is "all in the mind" and that all you have to do is "re-educate the person to eat" without regard to what the person is given to eat, is probably the main reason for relapsing.
In the movie Breaking and Entering (see my review), the girl was practically Anorexic because she was Autistic; i.e., all food made her feel sick. Her "eating disorder" was not caused by the traditional Anorexic brain malformity, nor was it the fake-Anorexia "body image distortion". It was caused by her damaged gut and it's abnormal flora which caused her Autistic finicky eating (to the extent thet she was almost Anorexic - she simply could not gag it down).
Hanna was a healthy child until the age of 13; she did well at school, played sports, had friends, and was almost never ill. She had never had antibiotics, and was breast-fed for a year.
At the age of 13 she decided to become a vegetarian, which her parents did not object to. From that point on, her diet consisted of breakfast cereals, pasta, rice, and a lot of breads and potatoes. However, she was still okay because she ate eggs, full-fat dairy, and peanut butter.
At 16 she went to dancing school, where she was pressured to lose weight. To lose the weight, she became a Vegan and stopped eating anything with any fat in it. Within a few weeks she developed a glandular fever, which was (of course) "treated" with a long course of antibiotics. They were useless, and the fever lasted for over a year! From 17 on, she went through constant throat and chest infections, "treated" with more antibiotics.
At 18 she went to University, where she decided to become a model, so she had to lose weight again. To do that she started taking laxatives and diet pills. This went on for 2 years, during which she became painfully thin, grew very weak physically, was constantly ill with infections and colds, her menstruation stopped, she developed alternating constipation and diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, bloating, abdominal pain, and indigestion. She became very depressed. The inevitable (ridiculous) diagnosis of "Anorexia" followed.
Hanna had psychotherapy and "counseling". She continued with her bad habits.
By 19 she tried to kill herself. This led to regular "hospitalization" in psychiatric facilities, psychiatric drugs, and (thus) repeated suicide attempts.
I first met Hanna at the age of 21. She was taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (!) "medications". Her diet was still vegetarian and low fat.
Steve Jobs died of cancer at the age of 56. He was a vegetarian.
A low-fat diet leads to deficiency in fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K, which means disaster for all sorts of metabolic functions in the body, particularly the immune system.
The "Autism Diet" includes Vitamins B6, K2, D3, Glutathione, and Selenium. These supplements are necessary for Autistics specifically.
Vitamin B group is another deficiency these children develop very quickly, as meats, eggs, and other animal products are the main food sources of these nutrients. Vegetarian diets are largely based on carbohydrates, which require a lot of magnesium to be digested and metabolized, so deficiency in magnesium follows.
Restless Leg Syndrome is when your thigh muscles spasm constantly. This is the direct result of a Magnesium deficiency; i.e., there is flat out no such thing as Restless Leg Syndrome! The medical profession knows this, but make more money treating diseases than they do curing them, thus they prescribe muscle tranquilizers (for life) rather than simply changing your bad diet.
Every time I went on a Motorcycle Adventure Ride, I carried mainly canned food with me - it is just so convenient. These were mostly vegetables and fruit, for I was of the opinion thet a vegetarian diet was healthy. I always had to also carry Magnesium supplements because I would always get this deficiency. I recognized my squirmy leg was caused by eating mostly canned food (believing the canned food was simply cooked to death, thus killing the vitamins), but I did not realize it was the vegetables themselves. Now when I carry canned food with me I make sure it is beef stew, salmon, mackerel, sardines, etc.
Natasha goes on to state thet a vegetarian diet, and especially a Vegan diet, is the equivalent of child abuse. She also explains how the Vegan diet makes the body believe it is starving, thus converting what nutrients there are into fat, rather than energy. The body-fat stores toxins thet should attach to the fat you should be eating and thus pulled out of your system. This is what results in eating disorders.
The difference between Anorexia Nervosa and fake-Anorexia: Anorexia Nervosa is a physical brain malformity thet causes the brain to trigger the fight or flight reaction when the blood sugar rises. In severe cases this creates outright terror-attacks if the person eats anything at all. This is true.
Fake-Anorexia is when the emaciated skeleton looks at herself in the mirror and pretends to see an obese hippo. She starves herself in order to get attention and be a manipulative passive/aggressive; i.e., she does not have the brain malformity, she is just a energy-vampire with her playing-the-victim game.
Natasha explains how this works: This develops where the abnormal gut flora starts producing toxins, which flow through the damaged gut wall into the blood and get distributed around the body. As these toxins get into the brain, they cause problems with mood, behavior, learning, concentration, memory, and sensory perception, including self-perception, that goes badly wrong in these children who then go on to develop an eating disorder. When an Anorexic girl looks in the mirror, she does not see how painfully thin she looks; she sees fat and obesity. She is not pretending, and she is not deceiving herself. She honestly has an altered sense of perception, caused by toxicity in the brain. We have discussed the altered sensory perception of Autism; the same thing happens in these Anorexic children.
I still think there are some people who starve themselves, pretending they have Anorexia in order to manipulate people with their passive/aggressive BS. But according to Natasha, there could also be a legitimate case where the person's Sensory Processing Disorders are so severe they honestly see a distorted image in the mirror, caused by the effects of their bad diet.
As an Autistic, I am an expert on Sensory Processing Disorders; all of my sensory perception is abnormal, thus explaining why I must smell what I look at, and read the lips of whom I am hearing, etc. I have to combine at least 2 of my abnormal senses together to triangulate what the hell is going on. This is typical of most Autistics, and possibly what is going on with what I previously referred to as "Fake Anorexia"; i.e., I stand corrected (in some cases).
The fact remains thet there are 2 different kinds of Anorexia; a physical brain malformity, and a Sensory Processing Disorder. "Anorexia" is a vague label that is applied to both, even though they may not be related - thus they need 2 different labels.
The same can be said for Autism, wherein the obviously differing sub-categories of Aspergers Syndrome, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism have recently been homogenized into the vague catch-all phrase of Autism Spectrum Disorder by the morons who publish the DSM-5. There is a difference between these 3 disorders, thus they need 3 different labels.
Back to the subject of Anorexia: Hormonal Exhaustion. Hormones are proteins. The body cannot build them without a good supply of protein, zinc, magnesium, fat-soluble vitamins, B vitamins, and all the other nutrients these children are deficient in. As hormones rule our metabolism, growth, repair, etc, the child stops growing, menstruation becomes irregular or stops, sexual development arrests, the child develops poor muscle-tone, osteoperosis, fatigue, emotional and behavioral problems, inability to concentrate and learn, sleep problems, skin problems, etc, etc.
As mainstream medicine give no thought to what particular food these children should eat, in Eating-disorder Clinics they are largely given carbohydrates. As the child is low in hormones, the body cannot use the calories from these carbohydrates, so they get stored as body fat. That is why these children put weight on very quickly as soon as they start eating, which leads to a relapse of the eating disorder. So the idea of mainstream medicine trying to "get them to eat anything", is not only wrong, but damaging.
Get your patient to drink a cup of warm meat stock every hour all day every day. Add a teaspoon of homemade yoghurt to every cup. This remedy will start the healing process in the gut lining.
Recently discovered is the use of Vitamin K to heal Ulcers, Colitis, Leaky Gut Syndrome, Crohn's, Celiac, etc. Once I started on my Vitamin K, my guts healed and my Autism symptoms reduced notably.
Natasha gives us a whole chapter on Probiotics, including a mind-boggling list of ailments cured by simply having the proper flora in your gut.
She goes on to explain how we evolved the need for soil-based microbes in our guts from drinking from wells and streams. Today's "clean" city water, full of ammonia and chlorine, causes kidney failure and bladder cancer; and let us not forget the horrible poison Fluoride.
Probiotics will kill the pathogenic bacteria in your gut, which may cause the "die-off effect" in those with large amounts of pathogenic bacteria in their system; i.e., you may feel awful. This is good news, for it proves the Probiotic is working - tough it out and keep taking the Probiotic.
This Die-off Effect is also seen in those with a very bad intestinal yeast infections. Taking Nystatin kills the yeast which then releases toxins thet make you feel horrible. Tough it out and keep taking the Nystatin. It will only take a few days for the dead yeast to pass. Then you take your Vitamin K to heal the damage done by the yeast.
Vegetable oils, cooking oils, margarines and butter replacements, spreadable butter, hydrogenated oils, shortenings and many other artificial fats are processed; they are alien to the human physiology and must not be consumed by anybody.
To make vegetable oils solid, and to increase their shelf-life, they are hydrogenated. Hydrogenation is a process of adding hydrogen molecules to the chemical structure of the oils under high pressure at a high temperature in the presence of nickel and aluminum and sometimes other toxic metals. This processing also changes the structure of the natural oils producing a whole host of very harmful fats. They have been implicated in diabetes, artherosclerosis, cancer, neurological and psychiatric conditions. They interfere with pregnancy, normal production of hormones, ability of insulin to respond to glucose, and ability of enzymes and other active substances to do their jobs, and have damaging effects on the liver and kidneys.
A breast-feeding mother would have trans fats in her milk fairly quickly after ingesting a helping of quote-unquote "healthy" butter replacements. A baby's brain has a high percentage of unsaturated fatty acids. Trans fats would replace them and interfere with the brain development. Trans fats are so harmful, there is simply no safe limit.
Animal fats have nothing to do with heart disease, atherosclerosis, or cancer. Our human physiology needs these fats; they are important for us to eat on a daily basis.
The simplistic idea that eating fats makes you fat is completely wrong. Consuming processed carbohydrates is what causes obesity.
This inevitably leads one to question the cholesterol hypothesis.
Every cell and every structure in the nervous system needs cholesterol. The developing eyes and brain of the foetus and new-born requires large amount of cholesterol. Human milk provides a specific enzyme to allow the baby's digestive tract to absorb almost 100% of that cholesterol. Manufacturers of infant formula are aware of this fact, but following the anti-cholesterol dogma, they produce formulas with virtually no cholesterol. To sell the product they give the ignorant customers what they think they want, consequences be damned.
Myelin coats every nerve cell and every nerve fiber like insulation on an electrical wire. It provides protection for every tiny structure in our brain and nervous system. Myelin is made of 20% cholesterol. People who lose their Myelin develop Multiple Sclerosis.
Memory-loss is one of the side-effects of cholesterol-lowering drugs. Dr Duane Graveline, MD, former NASA scientist and astronaut, suffered such memory loss while taking his cholesterol-lowering pills, Lipitol. He saved his memory by stopping his doctor-prescribed pill, and increasing his intake of cholesterol-rich foods, such as fresh eggs. He described his experience in his book, Lipitor - Thief of Memory: Statin drugs and the misguided war on cholesterol.
Foods rich in cholesterol:
Caviar, cod liver oil, fresh egg yolks, natural butter, cold-water fish and shellfish such as salmon, mackerel, sardines, and shrimp, lard and animal fats.
Low blood cholesterol has been routinely recorded in criminals who have committed violent crimes, people with aggressive and violent personalities, people prone to suicide, and those with aggressive social behavior and low self-control.
Autistic kids being known for uncontrollable tantrums, it is no wonder they usually have very low cholesterol levels and even need supplemental cholesterol. When I become (Autistic meltdown type of) wound up, I often crave salmon and shrimp.
Immune cells rely on cholesterol to fight infections. People with high cholesterol are 4 times less likely to contract colds.
Cod liver oil has long been prized as the best support for the immune system.
Natasha goes into a very elaborate explanation of how Omega-6 works. This mind-boggling description goes on for several pages, including statistics about taking 2 parts Omega-3 to 1 part Omega-6, and why, the sources of Omega fats, and the pros and cons of each. This is very enlightening. She has really done her research.
She also discusses Cod liver oil, Hemp oil, Flax oil, Olive oil, and is especially supportive of Coconut oils. Elsewhere I have found glowing praise of how good coconut oil is for Autistics specifically (unless they have Type O blood).
50% of fatty acids in coconut is Lauric Acid. Such pathogens as candida albicans, helicobacter pylori, measles, herpes, cytomegalovirus, Epstien-Barr, influenza, and many others are susceptible to Lauric Acid. It is also 1 of the natural ingredients in human breast milk, protecting the baby from infections.
Of course you should ingest it in it's natural form, strictly avoiding hydrogenated oils - they are deadly.
The most important fats to consume are animal fats.
People who cannot digest fats always present with vitamin A deficiency. Gut diseases are the most common symptoms of vitamin A deficiency. The book Eat Right For Your Type (reviewed above) explains which blood type will naturally have difficulty digesting fat, thus needing additional Vitamin A supplementation.
Vitamin D.
Cholesterol is the major building-block of Vitamin D. D is made from cholesterol in our skin when it is exposed to sunlight. Our misguided fear of the sun and avoidance of cholesterol-rich foods have created an epidemic of D deficiency in the Western diet. Sunbathing is not only good for us, it is essential! Skin cancer, blamed on the sunshine, is not caused by the sun. It is caused by our processed foods and toxic lifestyles.
I long ago came to the conclusion thet my horrible sunburns were caused by the mercury poisoning from the fillings in my teeth (once I got the fillings removed, I stopped getting sunburns). Smearing your kid with sun-block, and eliminating cholesterol from their diet is actually dangerous. See what I said above about dosing Autistic kids with pure cholesterol.
In the UK, the recommended daily allowance of Vitamin D is 10 micrograms per day. This allowance is minimal, and only enough to prevent one from getting Rickets or Osteomalacia. To have optimal health, we need more Vitamin D than this. Sunbathing is the very best way to get Vitamin D. In the winter, ingesting Cod Liver oil is best. This is why Eskimos, who eat nothing but polar bears, seals, and fish (a high fat, high cholesterol diet), never get cancer, even though (living in the acrtic) their skin gets very little sun exposure.
Natasha spends a whole chapter on Digestive Enzymes, showing how Gluten and Casein convert into brain-poisoning opiates, causing Autism and Schizophrenia. She also quotes another 1 of the best books ever written on the subject, Biological Treatments For Autism and PDD (see my review above). She further goes into amazing detail explaining exactly how the digestive enzymes work (or not) in relation to the chemical imbalances caused by bad diet. She also goes into a discussion of mal-digestion and mal-absorption.
The next chapter is about supplemental nutrients, wherein she explains how over-dosing on 1 vitamin makes you develop a deficiency in another, because both vitamins are competing for absorption from the same part of your gut. This is easily seen in Vitamin Bs specifically, wherein if you only take mega-doses of B6, you will develop a deficiency in B12, even though you are otherwise taking plenty of B12. You must always take B in Complex form; i.e., equal portions of all Bs at the same time. Your body will thus absorb what it needs of/from all of them, rather than getting too much of 1 which makes it block the others.
She says, No one knows how to prescribe vitamins and minerals, because each person's body chemistry is different, thus proving the "Recommended Daily Allowance" is usually flat-wrong for most people; e.g., I am what is called a "Vitamin C Needer" in thet I have difficulty getting enough. Taking mega-doses, your body will only absorb what it needs, and pass the rest. If you take more than enough Vitamin Bs, your pee will come out bright yellow, or even orange, passing what it does not need. If you take more than enough Vitamin C, your body will absorb what it needs and pass the rest as diarrhea - resulting in the typical "ream your guts out" Vitamin C over-dose. I am a person who can take 10,000% of the RDA of Vitamin C, absorb it all, and need more - I never get diarrhea from it.
It has been shown thet giving heroin addicts mega-doses of Vitamin C (and I mean 50,000% of the RDA) can cure them of the addiction. These people are especially prone to (heroin) addiction due to them being Vitamin C Needers like me.
She goes on to recommend her own diet described in this book, juicing, and Pro-biotics. A good Pro-biotic on average increases the absorption-rate of nutrients from food by 50% or more.
She goes on to say, I normally do not recommend any vitamin or mineral supplementation at the beginning of the program. I recommend putting most of the effort into implementing the diet first, and starting the healing process in the gut. Once the digestive system starts working properly, in many patients their nutritional deficiencies disappear without any supplementation.
Caffein kills Vitamin C, thus if you take even mega-doses of Vitamin C, and wash it down with a cup of coffee, you have just defeated the purpose; i.e., adding vitamins to bad diet is not as efficient as simply eating the correct (for your personal body-chemistry and blood-type) diet. Of course, all patients are different, and some of them require targeted supplementation. This is especially obvious in hyper-sensitive and severely-damaged Autistics, who must have supplemental B6, K2, D3, Glutathione, and Selenium, no matter how good their (strictly avoiding Gluten and Casein) diet is.
A number of Autistic children improve while taking chelation drugs, but they regress back to their previous state as soon as chelation stops. One explanation is thet they re-accumulate heavy metals from the environment as soon as the chelation stops, because their own detox system is unable to deal with these metals.
She goes on to strongly recommend Juicing. See the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, wherein juicing was shown to literally save the lives of several people.
To make a glass of carrot juice takes a pound of carrots. Nobody can eat a pound of carrots at once, but you can get all the nutrition from them by drinking the juice, no additional vitamin supplementation necessary.
Natasha recommends Elder Berries as a natural cure-all.
She discussed the toxic load we get from our modern environment, explaining how the fumes from painting one's house can cause Epileptic seizures in some people, and how the cosmetics industry is not regulated, meaning they can put pretty much anything they want into the cosmetics, most of which are toxic in some way. I am extremely sensitive to make-up, perfume, skin-creams, etc. For me, the best form of contraception is make-up, hair-spray, nail-pollish, and perfume. If you wear those things, I will not be touching you; my eyes burn, my nose stings, and I itch and wheeze and gag. Women should always be freshly-scrubbed (that is if you want to seduce me).
She also recommends something I have practiced for years; a vinegar bath. Every week take a scalding hot bath which includes a half a gallon of brown apple cider vinegar. It leaches the pesticides out of your skin (if you live on planet Earth, you have pesticides on your skin).
2/3 of all children in the Western World have had ear infections at some time during each year. She says point-blank thet ear-aches and ear infections are caused by sugar, milk, and processed carbohydrates.
There is no difference in the outcome of an ear infection between giving an antibiotic and doing nothing at all, other than the anti-biotic will kill your intestinal flora.
The top 10 influences which boost immunity:
1) Animal fats.
2) Cold pressed oils.
3) Onions and garlic.
4) Fresh pressed vegetable and fruit juices.
5) Regular consumption of greens.
6) Probiotic supplementation
7) Contact with animals.
8) Swimming in clean water.
9) Physical activity in fresh air.
10) Sensible sunbathing.
Top 10 influences which damage immunity:
1) Sugar.
2) Processed carbohydrates.
3) Chemically altered and artificial fats; i.e., margarine and cooked vegetable oil.
4) Lack of high-quality protein in the diet from meat and fish, eggs, nuts and seeds.
5) Exposure to man-made chemicals.
6) Exposure to man-made radiations: TV and computer screens, cell-phones, high-power electric lines, nuclear stations, etc.
7) Prescription drugs of any kind.
8) Lack of fresh air and exercise.
9) Lack of sunlight.
10) Living in too sterile of an environment.
Constipation is always a sign of deficient gut flora. A healthy person should have 1 - 2 bowel-movements a day.
She recommends the books:
Entering the World of Autism: A mother's story.
Treating Autism: Parents Stories of Hope and Success.
Recovering Autistic Children.
The ADD/ADHD Checklist.
How To Reach and Teach ADD/ADHD Children.
Raising a Thinking Child.
This marvelous book ends with a listing of 24 full pages of references; e.g.: 18 on "Does MRR cause Autism", 48 on Epilepsy, etc.
This was definitely 1 of the top 5 best books I have reviewed thus far. Very highly recommended.
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by Natasha Campbell-McBride
This book is a lot like Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, wherein it was proven thet Autism is as much an intestinal problem as it is a neurological disorder.
The increase in the new diagnosis of Autism cannot be explained by genetics. Though it is true thet my father and his brother have Asperger's Syndrome, thus, so do I - it is also very common for the parents of Autistic children to almost always be brainy nerds. My dad and his brother are both math-nerd musicians. I compose music in my sleep.
The point of Natasha's comment is thet it is certainly caused by new environmental factors, such as the recent massive increase in vaccinations given to children.
She makes the point thet though Autism is now more readily recognized, thus allowing more doctors the ability to diagnose it (back in the 60's when I was a child, no one recognized I was clearly Autistic), that does not explain the fantastic increase in cases overall; i.e., the reason it was seldom diagnosed before is because it was relatively rare, not just because the doctors were ignorant of the subject.
The useless school system's Embedded Figure Test was sprung on me because they recognized (by the time I was 11!) something was wrong with me, but they had no clue what (due to the fact no one ever talked to me about it!). Today most schools would recognize immediately thet a child is Autistic (though they still have no clue what to do about it).
There is approximately a 50% overlap between Dyslexia and Dyspraxia [Dyspraxia being like a physical Dyslexia; i.e., awkward and unco-ordinated muscle movements, sometimes manifested as Dysgraphia - the way children sometimes write letters backward], and a 30 - 50% overlap between ADHD and Dyslexia. Children who suffer severe Eczema in infancy quite often develop Autistic features later in life [possibly due to the intestine-frying antibiotics used to combat the Eczema - resulting in a neurological disorder thet coincides with a skin-condition - as Dr Frankenstein Mengele shrugs in ignorance]. Autism and AD/HD overlap with every one of the above-mentioned conditions. Many Autistic children have severe allergies, Asthma, Eczema, Dyspraxia, and Dyslexia. I definitely have Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, severe allergies, and Attention Deficit. That does not make me a special case; it makes me a typical Autistic.
I have yet to meet a child with Autism, ADHD, Attention Deficit, Asthma, Eczema, allergies, Dyspraxia, or Dyslexia who has not got digestive abnormalities. It appears thet the child's digestive system holds the key to the child's mental development.
There is another group of conditions which fit into the Gut and Psychology Syndrome: Schizophrenia, depression, eating disorders, Manic-depression or Bi-polar Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder, and Compulsive Behavior Disorder.
In 1807 the father of modern psychiatry, Phillipe Pinel, after working with mental patients for many years, concluded, "The primary seat of insanity generally is in the region of the stomach and intestines." And yet the last thing a modern psychiatrist would pay attention to is the patient's digestive system! Even Hippocrates said, "All diseases begin in the gut."
The medical profession only prescribes drugs to mask the symptoms of bad diet, rather than making you eat correctly.
Autistic children have enlarged and enflamed lymph nodes in their gut wall, which is a clear sign of a fight with some infection going on there. The same Measles virus used in the MMR vaccine are found in the ileal lymph nodes of Autistic children. Once and for all proving thet Autism is caused by Vaccines!
Schizophrenia is caused by digestive abnormalities similar to Celiac Disease.
I had a number of patients who did not complain about any particular digestive problems. However, when put on the Gut And Psychology (GAPS) treatment program, they improved dramatically.
I agree thet all people should eat like an Autistic. In the above-mentioned book, Biological Treatments, it was stated thet humans have been eating Gluten and Casein for only a few thousand years, and thus we have not yet evolved the ability to digest it properly, even if your guts were not damaged by vaccines.
The digestion of wheat and milk proteins happens in 2 stages: The first occurs in the stomach, where under the influence of digestive juices produced by the stomach walls, milk and wheat proteins get split into peptides, some of which have morphine-like structures called casomorphines and gluteomorphines. It is a normal process and happens in all of us. Then these peptides move to the small intestine where the next stage of their digestion happens. They get subjected to pancreatic juices and then reach the intestinal wall where they are broken down by enzymes, called peptidases, on the microvilli of enerocytes. This is the stage that is missing in people with abnormal gut flora because of the poor state of their enterocytes. As a result casomorphines and gluteomorphines get absorbed into the bloodstream unchanged [this is called Leaky Gut Syndrome] and cause problems in the body, in particular interference with brain-function and immune system function. There has been considerable amount of research in this area in patients with Autism, Schizophrenia, Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity, Psychosis, and depression, who show high levels of casomorphines and gluteomorphines in their bodies, which mean that their gut wall is in no fit state to complete appropriate digestion of these substances. They pass directly into the bloodstream, rather than being digested into nutrients.
Many of us lack an enzyme called Lactase to digest Lactose [resulting in Lactose intolerance]. Some people manage it perfectly well, because they have one of the major lactose-digesting bacteria in their gut - E.coli! It comes as a surprise to many that the physiological strains of E.coli are essential inhabitants of a healthy digestive tract. They appear in the gut of healthy babies in the first days after birth in huge numbers, and stay at these numbers through-out life, providing they do not get destroyed by antibiotics and other environmental influences. Apart from digesting Lactose, physiological E.coli produce vitamin K2, B1, B2, B6, and B12 [thus explaining why taking mega-doses of K2 and B6 is so essential for Autistics]. They also produce antibiotic-like substances, called colicins, and control other members of their own family which can cause disease, such as the pathogenic strain of E.coli [which can kill you].
What Can Damage Gut Flora?
- Antibiotics.
Antibiotics have a devastating effect on beneficial bacteria in the human body, not only in the gut, but in other organs and tissues. Antibiotics change bacteria, viruses, and fungi from benign to pathogenic, giving them an ability to invade tissues and cause disease. Antibiotics make bacteria resistant to antibiotics, so the industry has to work on more and more powerful new antibiotics to attack these new changed bacteria. A good example of this is Tuberculosis, where wide use of antibiotics has created new varieties of the Mycobacterium Tuberculosis resistant to all existing antibiotics.
Antibiotics have a direct damaging effect on the immune system, making us more vulnerable to infections, which leads to the cycle of more antibiotics and more infections.
- Penicillins.
In this group we have very widely used Amoxicillin, Ampicillin, Flucoloxacillin, and all the other antibiotics with "cillin" at the end of their name. These drugs have a damaging effect on 2 major groups of our beneficial resident bacteria: Lactobacilli, and Bifidobacteria, while promoting growth of the pathogenic Proteus family, Streptococci and Staphylococci. This particular group of antibiotics allow bacteria normally found only in the bowel to move up to the intestine, which predisposes the person to development of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and other digestive disorders.
- Tetracyclines.
Tetracycline, Doxycycline, and other "cyclines" are routinely prescribed to teenagers for acne. Tetracyclines have a toxic effect on the gut wall by altering protein structure in the mucous membranes. This makes the gut wall vulnerable to invasion by pathogenic microbes, and it alerts the immune system to attack these changed proteins, starting an auto-immune reaction in the body against it's own gut, while stimulating growth of disease-causing Candida fungus, Staphylcocci and Clostridia in the digestive tract.
- Aminoglycosides.
Gentamycin, Kanamycin, Macrocrolide, Erythromycin and other "mycins" have a devastating effect on colonies of beneficial bacteria in the gut such as physiological E.coli and Enterococci. A prolonged course of treatment can completely eliminate these beneficial bacteria from the digestive system, leaving it open to invasion by pathogenic species of E.coli and other microbes.
- Antifungal antibiotics.
Nystatin, Amphotericin, etc, lead to selective stimulation of growth of the Proteus family and lactose-negative E.coli species, capable of causing serious disease.
Combinations of antibiotics have stronger damaging effects on the gut flora than single drugs. Damage is worse when antibiotics are administered orally and when the course of antibiotics is a lengthy 1 on a low dose, like those prescribed for acne, cystitis, ear or other chronic infections.
When an antibiotic is prescribed in a high dose, it leaves the gut with a lot of empty niches to be populated by whatever bacteria, viruses, or fungi get there first. This is a crucial time to administer a good probiotic to make sure these niches get populated by friendly bacteria instead of pathogenic ones. Even when the course of antibiotic is short and the dosage is low, it takes beneficial bacteria long time to recover - weeks to months.
Many babies get antibiotics from their mother's milk, before the infant even has a well-developed immune system.
Contraceptive pills have a devastating effect on gut flora. A baby is born with a sterile gut, and acquires most of it's gut flora from it's mother. If the mother has at any time been on contraceptive pills she will have abnormal gut flora, thus that is what she will pass on to her child, predisposing it to eczema, asthma, allergies, and learning disabilities such as Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity, and Autism.
Many other groups of drugs, including sleeping pills, heartburn meds, neuroleptics, cholinolytic drugs, cytotoxic drugs, etc, cause different damage to the gut flora, digestive system, and immune system.
A diet high in fiber from grains has a profoundly negative effect on the gut flora, gut health, and general body metabolism, predisposing the person to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, nutritional deficiencies, and many other problems including bowel cancers. Fruit and vegetables provide a better quality fiber that is not as harsh for the digestive system. Of course the blithering medical profession preaches thet a diet high in oat-bran is supposed to be good for you.
Natasha talks about breast-feeding and how it is out-right mandatory for the sake of the baby's health (as long at the mother is not on antibiotics herself).
I will interject thet the Baby-boomers were the first generation to be given massive doses of antibiotics and vaccines. Their children were thus born with damaged guts, then mostly raised on the bottle and formula, rather than natural breast-milk, resulting in the "First Wave Indigos" (read: Aspergers) who were mostly born in the 60s and 70s, and now having their own children - a mass epidemic of Autistics.
This snowball-effect gets worse from generation to generation. By 2025 these undiagnosed Autistics are going to be having children of their own, who come out of the womb totally fried (of course their deluded parents will believe they are Indigo Faerie Space-babies; see my review of the book Living In An Indigo House, wherein it is proven thet "Indigo Children" do not exist, they are just undiagnosed Aspergers). It can all be blamed on the medical profession giving antibiotics and vaccines to one generation, then declaring thet babies should be raised on cows milk, soy formula, and a massive increase in vaccinations for the next generation.
The opportunistic flora.
There are about 500 different species of them found in the human gut. Interestingly, many of these opportunistic bacteria, when in small numbers and thus under control, actually fulfill some beneficial function in the gut, like taking part in the digestion of food, and breaking down lipids and bile acids.
In the healthy gut, their numbers are limited and tightly controlled by the beneficial flora. But when this beneficial flora is weakened and damaged the opportunists get out of control. Each of these microbes is capable of causing various health problems. We carry most of our future health problems in our own gut pretty much from birth. The best-known is the fungus Candida Albicans, which causes untold misery to millions of people. Candida Albicans is never alone in the human body. Its activity and ability to survive and cause disease depend on the state of trillions of its neighbors.
Antibiotics kill a lot of different microbes in the body - the bad and the good. But they have no effect on Candida. So after every course of antibiotics Candida is left with nothing to control it [resulting in an intestinal yeast infection which causes Leaky Gut Syndrome thus food allergies, and contributes to the development of Schizophrenia, depression, eating disorders, Manic-depression or Bi-polar Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder, Compulsive Behavior Disorder, and of course Autism.]
At the dawn of the antibiotic era, the medical profession actually recognized this phenomenon, so it used to be the rule to prescribe Nystatin (an anti-Candida antibiotic) every time a broad-spectrum antibiotic was administered. However, for whatever reason, doctors stopped this practice decades ago, and now we are paying the price for it. And Candida flourishes on sugar and processed carbohydrates; i.e., the Western Diet.
Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis are linked to the activity of opportunistic gut flora getting out of control. And the medical profession's "solution" is to cut your colon out (just as their "solution" to breast cancer is to chop your tits off). Duuuh. When all you needed was Nystatin, or better yet, no antibiotics in the first place!
In the gut of the person who does not have the beneficial bacteria to protect the gut wall and control Clostridia, neurotoxins have a good chance of getting into the bloodstream and thus into the brain and the rest of the nervous system effecting their development and functioning, resulting in sensitivity to light and noise, which are typical symptoms of Tetanus infection, and other conditions like Autism, Schizophrenia, Psychosis, and Dyslexia. And the horrible medical profession routinely give you a Tetanus shot every time you bleed. Tetanus is Lock Jaw, a disease only farm animals get, is not transmittable from human to human, and is impossible for a human to even contract outside of getting an infected animal's blood or feces directly in an open wound. Thus, the Tetanus shot is absolutely useless to most humans.
The Tetanus shot is directly responsible for the bad mouth co-ordination seen in all Autistics, including the gagging on certain textures of food, and exacerbates the problems of the non-verbal Autistic. And even if you do not ever cut yourself, the corrupt drug-pushers give you a "booster-shot" every 10 years of even more Tetanus (to "protect" you against a disease thet is impossible for the average person to contract!).
Clinical Signs in Cattle.
• Stiffness and reluctance to move
• Twitching and tremors of the muscles
• Lockjaw
• Prominent protruding third eyelid
• Unsteady gait with stiff held-out tail
• Affected cattle are usually anxious and easily excited by sudden movements or handling
• Bloat is common because the rumen stops working
• Later signs include collapse, lying on1 side with legs held stiffly out, spasms and death
It is also proven thet Hypoglycemia is caused by the Tetanus shot! I used to have a very bad case of Hypoglycemia. I went to a clinic in Nevada where they gave me a Tetanus antidote, which killed the Tetanus antibodies in my system, thus instantly curing my Hypoglycemia! It also reduced my constant Autistic wincing in the pain of light and noise.
Most people I see in my clinic have abnormalities in muscle tone similar to exposure to Tetanus neurotoxins. Not caused by exposure to Tetanus in nature, but caused by the Tetanus shot. In these cases, without exception, an over-growth of Clostridia is observed.
Recent research at the University of Reading in the UK have found very high levels of Clostridia in the gut of 150 Autistic children. A second research team found high levels in 60 Autistic children, which was not present in their non-Autistic siblings.
Clostridia is resistant to antibiotics, and are spore-forming bacteria, which makes them impossible to eradicate. We can only control them with the beneficial bacteria the medical profession keeps killing off with antibiotics.
Another large group of bacteria which commonly over-grow in gut dysbiosis are sulphate-reducing bacteria. There are many species. These microbes metabolize sulphates from food into sulphites, many of which are toxic. Severe deficiency in sulphates has been found in 95% of Autistic children tested. Sulphates are needed for normal metabolism of brain neurotransmitters. The measles virus has also been found in the Autistic gut, once again proving thet vaccines cause Autism.
The herpes virus is also very active in these patients. I had warts on my hands as a child, horrible acne as a teenager, and cold-sores on my lips on-and-off all my life. All of these are varying strains of Herpes.
A Japanese professor has suggested thet 1 in 10 psychiatric conditions is due to self-intoxication coming from the bowel. As seen above, this is true. The Japanese are also the people who discovered thet Soy is poison to all humans.
Natasha explains how people with intestinal yeast infections can become addicted to eating carbohydrates because yeast digests carbos into alcohol, thus resulting in a constant state of mild drunkenness. They basically become alcoholics, even if they do not drink alcohol.
To paraphrase: Acetaldehyde is the most toxic of alcohol by-products. It alters the structure of proteins, thus making the body attack it's own tissues, resulting in auto-immune reactions (thus explaining why you feel sick if you drink too much alcohol).
1 of the most common anti-bodies against a protein is Myelin, which naturally coats brain cells and their branches. When Myelin is damaged, it causes Multiple Sclerosis. There are similarities in the neurological picture of Autistic and Dyspraxic children and patients with MS, which may be due to Acetaldehyde produced by the yeast overgrowth.
Binding to proteins, Acetaldehyde creates a functional deficiency in vitamin B6. This also happens to many other active substances in the body which have to bind to proteins in order to fulfill their purpose.
Natasha explains how Gluten and Casein mutate into opiates which make Autism symptoms much worse. Thus she supports the GF/CF Diet, but makes the point thet with some people a much stricter diet (hers) is necessary, resulting in the additional bans on Soy, Yeast, and Apples (I am on this diet, which has performed miraculously).
Biochemist Dr Alan Friedman found Deltorphin and Dermorphin in the gut of Autistic children. These are the same toxins thet are found on Poison Arrow Frogs! Further research is underway.
This is the most educational book on the dietary causes of illness I have ever read. Natasha is exceptionally educated on the subject, and presents the facts here in an easily understandable way. This book is definitely in my top 5. It shows all the ways to prevent Autism (and a dozen other illnesses) in the first place.
She talks some more about the necessity of breast-feeding, and how babies get their immune system from their mother's milk. Of course, if the mother has intestinal yeast overgrowth, Leaky Gut Syndrome, is drinking cow's milk, or is taking antibiotics herself, the baby will refuse the breast, or fall dead asleep after 2 sucks. This konking-out is due to the opiates in mom's milk, caused by her awful diet thus bad intestinal condition producing the equivalent of opium in her milk. Natasha goes into detail explaining just how what problems in Mom produces what problems for Baby.
Then she tells how bottle-fed babies generate totally different gut flora than breast-fed babies, resulting in Eczema and Asthma.
Once Baby has established the abnormal gut flora, if Mom stops breast-feeding, the baby will no longer be receiving the antibodies from her milk, thus you can practically time it with a stop-watch, seeing the physical illnesses caused by the abnormal gut flora erupt into Autism (or another dozen illnesses) when Mom's immune system is no longer being ingested by Baby.
Natasha interjects many insights (to paraphrase): "A lot of severe cases of Eczema in babies can be relieved by Mom removing milk from her own diet." I shall again try to convince you thet milk causes breast cancer, and (along with Soy) should be considered poison to all humans.
Concerning the health of these sickly children, when asked about the health of the grandparents, particularly on the mother's side, it becomes obvious thet we have generations of people with compromised gut flora. This damage becomes deeper with each generation. The era of antibiotics, contraceptive pills, breast-feeding going out of fashion, and drastic changes in diet (from a organic farm-based culture to factory-mass-production of processed food) have all contributed to this phenomenon. Should it come as a surprise thet we now have an epidemic of Autism? On the whole, having met families with Autistic children, I usually find thet the entire family needs treatment.
Vaccinations.
A compromised immune system is not going to react to environmental insults in a normal way. Vaccination is a huge insult to the immune system. However, in our modern society, we are rapidly moving to a situation where our children do not have a normal immune system. In some of these children, vaccinations become the last straw, and brings on Autism, Asthma, Eczema, Diabetes, etc. If the child's immune system is severely compromised, they will become ill even if vaccinations are completely avoided. In my clinic I see growing numbers of children who have not been vaccinated, yet they suffer from Autism, AD/HD, Asthma, Eczema, and other problems (of intestinal origin). In this (precarious intestinal) state, the child's immune system appears to be the decisive factor, not the vaccines.
Following the scandals around vaccination injury, it is no surprise thet a lot of people around the world believe we should abandon childhood vaccination altogether. Most vaccinations contain Mercury and Formaldehyde among other deadly poisons. All vaccinations are damaging to any person. What people forget is thet before the vaccination era it was quite normal for every family to lose children to infections like Measles, Rubella, Mumps, and others. This is natural selection Mother Nature has imposed on all living creatures - weeding out the runts who are not genetically qualified to contribute to the next generation of Alpha Plusses. To this day women do not select the geniuses to breed with, they choose the jocks. This is natural (female) animal instinct, to have strong babies rather than smart ones. He may be the smartest man on Earth, but does anyone really want to get pregnant by Steven Hawkings? No, because he is a physical runt, who, in nature, would have died a long time ago. In most species, most of the babies in the litter die, with only the strongest surviving. Mother Nature may be a Nazi, but she is correct. Only the Alpha Plusses have the right to breed.
I propose the following procedure: A comprehensive immunological survey should be performed on every baby before a decision is made about vaccination. This survey should include:
1) A questionnaire to assess the health history of the parents and the infant.
2) A comprehensive stool and urine analysis to assess any risk of gut dysbiosis in the baby.
3) A test to assess the infant's immune status.
The results should be put into a pre-vaccination panel for all babies, and play the essential part in the process of deciding which of the following steps to take:
1) No vaccinations at all.
2) Delayed vaccination until the results of the test are better.
3) Standard vaccination protocol, but with single vaccines only.
Schizophrenia.
Like most drugs in modern medicine, they are symptomatic, which means they only reduce the symptoms without treating the disease [masking symptoms rather than eliminating the cause]. On the average, anti-psychotic drugs reduce the symptoms by only 15 to 25%, leaving 75 to 85% of the symptoms unresolved.
Before the era of pharmaceuticals ruling medicine, psychiatrists routinely recorded thet psychiatric patients not only had psychiatric problems, but were also very ill physically. In the old Textbook of Psychiatry, published in 1937, it clearly stated: "A thorough physical examination is absolutely essential in every case - Schizophrenics are commonly poorly nourished."
Recent research proves this to be correct. Deficiencies in vitamins and minerals are routinely recorded in Schizophrenic patients. Doctors have proven thet patients can be cured with supplementation of B3, B12, folic acid, and Vitamin C. Dr Carl Pfeiffer showed thet out of 20,000 patients, treating them with nutritional supplementation and diet can be far more effective than prescription drugs.
200 years ago French psychiatrists wrote thet "The primary seat of insanity generally is in the region of the stomach and intestines."
There is a considerable overlap between Celeac Disease and Schizophrenia, and the symptoms of Schizophrenia can be dramatically relieved by cutting out all grain from the diet (the Gluten Free "Autism Diet").
Some cultures in the South Pacific, which never consume grain, had no Schizophrenia. Only when they adopted a Western diet full of grains did they start getting cases of Schizophrenia [proving it was not the result of this gene-pool's genetics].
Another good example is Ireland, where people did not consume grain until the potato famine of 1845. Before then there were no recorded cases of Celiac Disease nor Schizophrenia in Ireland. Since adopting wheat as their staple food, the Irish have acquired 1 of the highest incidences of Celiac and Schizophrenia in the world!
In the late 70s it was discovered thet Gluten from grain and Casein from milk turned into opiates in the digestive system, which absorb into the blood, cross the blood-brain barrier, and effect the brain. These opiates were found in the urine of Schizophrenic patients, and later in the urine of Autistics. This is how Autism and Schizophrenia found themselves in the same company. 2 different illnesses with the same cause - food.
Drug-pushers.
Anti-psychotic drugs change the biochemistry of the brain and even the structure of the brain. Long-term use of neuroleptic drugs cause brain atrophy. On top of that, anti-psychotic drugs have a long list of additional unpleasant side-effects, and are toxic.
Pellagra.
Pellagra is a deficiency of vitamin B3. The typical symptoms can look very much like Schizophrenia: delusions, hallucinations, confusion, headaches, anxiety, depression, irritability, with a lot of physical symptoms, such as dermatitis, chronic diarrhea, and inflammation of the mucus membranes. It used to affect poor populations who's diet was mainly corn-based. Until the real cause of this disorder was discovered, Pellagrines were treated almost like Lepers. People thought it was infectious and contagious until it was discovered that a diet rich in B3 completely cures it. Canadian psychiatrists have helped thousands of Schizophrenics by simply supplementing their diet with very large doses of B3.
Epilepsy.
There are over 25 different illnesses thet resemble true Epilepsy. Unfortunately, since the invention of anti-epileptic drugs, mainstream medicine does not seem to be interested in finding out what causes it. It is a fact thet 70% of children who suffer a seizure will never have 1 again, but most of these children will be put on drugs for life. These drugs "work" by suppressing brain activity; they neither cure the condition nor prevent susceptibility to seizures. I have lost count of how many parents described their child as a "zombie" due to anti-epileptic drugs.
When these drugs fail, the patient is offered brain-surgery or a Vagus Nerve Stimulator (VNS). Why not just give them a lobotomy! Duuuh.
Brain surgery; just cut the nerves loose so you cannot have seizures [nor anything else], or VNS, which produces and electric shock, short-circuiting the nerves.
According to Wikipedia: In the only randomized controlled trial, VNS failed to perform any better when turned on than in otherwise similar implanted patients whose device was turned off.
Dr Frankenstein Mengele hard at work!
The medical profession is only interested in masking symptoms rather than addressing causes; i.e., "You have a stomach ache, so lets cut your brain out and see what happens."
Natasha goes on to present us with a list of hair-raising side-effects of psychiatric drugs, revealing thet all of them are harmful (many of them actually cause the very vitamin deficiency thet is making the patient sick) and 100% experimental.
Many older textbooks point out thet patients with Epilepsy are deficient in vitamin B6, so before any drugs are considered it is recommended to give the person B6 injections first. Indeed, there are published cases where Epilepsy was cured with vitamin B6 injections alone. Unfortunately, modern treatments for Epilepsy do not include vitamin therapy. This is due to the medical and psychiatric professions being "bought out" by Big Pharma. Medical schools are actually funded by the Pharmaceutical industry - the graduates from which are just brain-washed drug-dealers.
From antiquity, starting with Hippocrates, Epilepsy has been treated with fasting. 3 American doctors reported thet many of their patients were never afflicted by fits again after completing a 21-day fast, particularly if it was followed by a low-carb (no Gluten) diet.
Natasha goes on to explain exactly how the body chemistry works.
In the 1920s the Mayo Clinic invented the Ketogenic Diet, which tricks the body into believing it is starving, thus re-programming it to digest fat only. This cures Epilepsy.
We have had this information since Hippocrates, but Big Pharma has intentionally withheld it, not caring who it kills and maims, as long as they make a buck. Again I direct you to the movie Her Name Is Sabine, where we see poor Oliver drugged to oblivion on useless Epilepsy drugs while still having 5 seizures a day, when all thet is wrong with him is vitamin deficiencies and a food-intolerance!
The latest 19 studies into the effectiveness of the Ketogenic Diet has concluded thet half the patients achieve a 50% reduction in seizures, and 1/3 achieve a 90% reduction. To be successful, the diet has to be followed for 2 years at least. About 10% of children on the Ketogenic Diet become seizure-free, and once they have had no fits for 6 months, the diet can be discontinued. For about 20% of patients, the fits return when the diet is discontinued. If the diet was the first-line treatment instead of drugs, the number of cures could be the same as the numbers reported in the 1920s. But the flaming death-spiral of educational devolution in the medical profession assures this never happens.
Natasha goes on to explain how, in the 1970s, this diet was further refined into the MCT Diet which cures Epilepsy. Meanwhile your Doctor will say in a panic, "You are not taking vitamins are you? Those things can kill you!"
As Candida and other yeasts thrive on sugars, the Anti-Candida Diet aims to remove all food thet contains it: fructose, sucrose, lactose, maltose, and other sugars even including honey and maple syrup. Fruit is excluded from the diet, as it is a source of simple sugars. In fact Apple juice has a higher amount of sugar than soft-drinks. Feeding kids apple juice is the worst dietary insanity you can come up with - it is like feeding them pure liquid sugar; and apples are poisonous to Autistics.
As Candida over-growth can cause allergies to other fungi and molds, all fungi and fermented foods are also eliminated. Yeast and baked goods made with yeast, such as breads and pastries, soured milk products such as kefir, yoghurt, and sour cream, all cheeses, all fermented beverages, vinegar, malt, mushrooms, dried fruit and fruit juices, and even tea and coffee. However, grains are not excluded from the diet; corn, barley, wheat, rye, millet, oats, rice, etc, and foods made out of them, as long as they do not include yeast.
The anti-Candida (yeast-killing) diet is designed to heal the damaged intestines. It probably works wonders. The problem with it is thet it includes Gluten, which Autistics and Celiacs cannot touch. The only grains these people can ingest is rice, millet, corn-meal, quinoa, and teff, for they are the only ones thet do not contain Gluten.
Also included in the Anti-Candida Diet are starchy vegetables, such as potatoes, yams, sweet potatoes, Jerusalem Artichoke, etc.
This diet, combined with the GF/CF Diet, and often the Phenol-free Diet are promoted for Autistics. What it boils down to is basically rice and potatoes. Unfortunately, this results in a High-Carb diet, which allows the inflamed and damaged gut to remain in bad shape, keeping up the toxicity.
Thus the GAPS patient needs to avoid: All grains, all starchy vegetables, sugar (in any form), starchy beans, and Lactose (milk in any form).
What about fiber? The manufacturers claim thet with a bowl of their product you will get all the fiber you need. Unfortunately it is the wrong kind of fiber. The fiber in breakfast cereals is full of Phytates - substances that bind essential minerals and take them out of your system, contributing to the patient's mineral deficiencies.
Natasha explains the appalling process used to make whole wheat grains into processed white flour - and people actually eat this crap!
Even more startling is "The White Death"; i.e., SUGAR, which she explains more hair-raising details about. The average person consuming the average Western diet will ingest 160 pounds of sugar a year. It has no nutritional food value and causes numerous physical ailments.
She goes on to warn us of the horror thet is "soft drinks"; the word "soft" being the ultimate false-advertising.
She declares thet no one should eat any processed foods what-so-ever. I agree.
Then comes the point I was making above about Soy being poison. The genetically modified Frankenbeans have all their fiber removed with alkali, then washed with acid in aluminum tanks, wherein they absorb the Aluminum. Alzheimer's is caused by aluminum poisoning. This goo is then treated with nitrates, which cause cancer. The resulting practically-tasteless powder is then added to 60% of all processed foods, often labeled "soy protien" or "modified food starch".
The natural soy bean it's self is a natural Goitrogen; i.e., it impairs iodine absorption, and reduces thyroid function - extreme symptoms of which is a Goiter. GAPS patients are without exception hypothyroid. Having Soy in the child's diet will reduce the thyroid function even further.
Soy also has the ability to absorb minerals from your gut.
Every Autistic child tested was found to have a very high Soy allergy.
Most "infant formula" is made of Soy, thus contributing to the snowball of Autism.
After telling us what not to eat, Natasha then presents us with assorted diets for specific diseases; i.e., what to eat.
For those with Crohn's and Ulcerative Colitis, the Specific Carbohydrate Diet is recommended. People with these bleeding guts type of disorders can usually digest fats and proteins, while complex carbohydrates from grains and starchy vegetables make them worse. All sugars (lactose, fructose, maltose, etc) are excluded, but certain fruit and veg are not only tolerated, but actually help the healing process. Evidence of this was published in 1952 in the book The Management of Celiac Disease by Dr Sidney V Haas and Merrill P Haas. Unfortunately the pharmaceutical industry buried this information and brainwashed Dr Frankenstein Mengela to cut your guts out and put you on prescription drugs for the rest of your life.
Meanwhile the criteria for diagnosis was altered, leaving out several symptoms thet would result in a diagnosis of Celiac. It was instead simplified down to only include symptoms thet could be labeled as Gluten Intolerance, resulting in the Gluten-free Diet (which does help miraculously). But, many people who could be diagnosed with Celiac in 1951 are falling through the cracks in diagnosis today, [having their guts cut out by shrugging moron doctors who do not know how to recognize the cause of illness].
Celiac Disease was eventually defined as Gluten Intolerance, which excluded a great number of various other gut problems from the diagnosis. And as the Gluten-free Diet was pronounced an effective treatment for Celiac, the Specific Carbohydrate Diet was forgotten as out-dated information. And all those other inflammatory gut conditions, which previously fell out of the sphere of true Celiac, got forgotten as well. The true Celiac Disease is fairly rare, so the "officially-forgotten" gut conditions constitute a very large group of patients which used to be diagnosed as Celiac, but do not respond to treatment with the Gluten-free Diet alone. Incidentally, a lot of true Celiac patients do not get better on the Gluten-free diet either. But all these conditions do respond well to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet developed by Dr Haas.
In 1958 a frustrated mom with a sickly child re-discovered the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, curing her child who had Ulcerative Colitis. She went on to help thousands of people suffering from Colitis, Crohn's, Celiac, Diverticulitis, Chronic Diarrhea, etc.
The most dramatic and fast recoveries were reported in young children who, along with their digestive problems, had serious "behavioral" abnormalities, such as Autism, Hyper-activity, and Night-terrors. She (Elaine Gottschall) went on to publish her own book, Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health Through Diet, promoting the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.
What about milk?
Lactose is a milk-sugar with a double molecule. 25 - 90% of humanity are not able to digest it. Any person with any intestinal complaint is probably Lactose Intolerant.
The Casein from milk is always found at toxic levels in Autistics' and Schizophrenics' urine. Get the hint: Milk is poison!
Researchers have shown thet Beta-Casomorphin 7, a specific Casein Protein, is taken up by 32 parts of the brain, many of which are responsible for vision, hearing, and communication - resulting in, or at least exacerbating the symptoms of, Sensory Processing Disorders.
Meanwhile babies often get Colic, which is caused by them ingesting cow's milk. Even if they are strictly breast-fed, they can still get Colic if their mother drinks cow's milk.
This is true even if you have your own healthy "organic" grass-fed cow. But it is even worse if you are like the majority of people who get their milk from a plastic jug off the grocery-store shelf. This milk is from feed-lot raised factory-farm cows who are fed a chemical concoction of growth-hormones and antibiotics. Then the milk is pasteurized (pressure cooked) to kill all the bacteria, which also kills the natural probiotics in it that could help it digest.
The level of pus thet is allowed in factory-farmed milk, from sickly drugged cows, will gross you out. Dear Gawd! People drink this crap.
Natasha discusses the Goat vs Cow dilemma (which 1 is the less of 2 evils?). The facts are, cow's milk is acid, whereas goat's milk is alkali, thus goat's milk digests in 15 minutes, whereas cow's milk takes 45. As a child, cow's milk gave me a stomach ache, while goat's milk felt soothing.
Unfortunately, though goat's milk is considered more digestible by humans, as it contains less Casein, and has different types of fats and proteins than Cow's milk, when it comes to Beta-casein, which is the problem for Autistics and Schizophrenics, goat's milk actually contains more of it than cow's milk.
Veterinarians tell pet-owners to never feed cats or dogs pasteurized milk. If you give a cat pasteurized cow's milk it's guts become distended and hard from tremendous gas pressure which is very painful to the cat; i.e., cats are Lactose Intolerant. The belief thet kittens should drink milk is as absurd as the belief thet children should drink apple juice. Both are poison!
Some people being put onto the GF/CF Diet panic and think they are going to starve. They have been so conditioned to be dependent upon the fast-food way of feeding themselves, thet when you tell them they have to cook for themselves they freak-out and feel persecuted. Worse yet is the parent who declares thet Twinkies and Cool-aide is all their monster-child will eat; oh the trauma of having to make your kid eat properly! These are unfit parents.
Eating rice, beans, green veg, root veg, period, is not hard at all. Rice comes in at least 5 varieties, each 1 of which tastes different. Green veg includes anything green on Earth. Root veg includes carrots, beets, potatoes, yams, rutabagas, turnips, parsnips, etc. Beans also come in many varieties, each 1 of which tastes different. Mung beans are the ones used to make bean-sprouts; I love to cook them like Pinto beans. They are quite tasty.
Natasha's GAPS Diet forbids any grains at all, but the GF/CF Diet only restricts those grains thet have Gluten in them: wheat, rye, barley, and peanuts. This means you can still eat teff, millet, rice, spelt, oats, and quinoa. You can also eat Gluten-free nuts, and nut milks such as almond, rice, flax, coconut, and even hemp milk - which I ingest by the gallon, and is also quite good, not to mention are an amazingly diverse collection of differing tastes.
Declaring in tortured hysterics thet you or your spoiled child will starve by eating GF/CF is absurd. Just recognize thet the reason you eat fast-food is because the TV told you to, not because you have no choice or do not have time to cook. Dry beans take less than 5 minutes of your time to cook; you put them in the pot, bring it to a boil to break the outer shell, turn off the stove, and go to bed. In the morning the beans are "cooked", simply by soaking over-night. I also "cook" rice and millet this way.
I also carry a whole crate full of canned foods in my car at all times - mostly green veg; my car being my grab-and-go-backpack in case of natural disaster. And my day-job having an erratic schedule, they often call me 2 or 3 times a week to change my hours, thus I sometimes really do not have time to "go eat" or pack a lunch. I also gained this ability by Motorcycle Adventure Riding, wherein I travel 100% self-contained, on $5.00 a day. Now me and my car are also self-contained. The point is thet there is no reason why you cannot have a weeks worth of food in the trunk of your car at all times, thus taking 5 minutes to eat rather than the 15 you would spend at the fast-food drive-through.
Natasha presents a list of web-sites thet promote GF/CF or even GAPS Diets:
www.gaps.me
www.scdiet.org
www.breakingtheviciouscycle.com
www.pecanbread.com
www.uclbs.org
So I looked them up.
www.gaps.me is Natasha's own web-site, which begins with this:
This website has not been designed as a replacement for the GAPS book, but as a source of additional information. Please read the GAPS book first to understand how and why this particular diet works, why other diets are inappropriate for the GAPS patients, and how to implement the appropriate diet correctly.
www.scdiet.org. This is for the Specific Carbohydrate Diet mentioned above. The web-site includes dozens of other links to assorted web-sites thet promote healthy diet and GF recipes.
www.breakingtheviciouscycle.com is the web-site of the above-mentioned "Frustrated Mom" Elaine Gottschall. It opens with this:
The Specific Carbohydrate Diet has proven to be highly successful for many who suffer from various bowel disorders as well as the many related problems which actually stem from imbalances in the intestinal tract.
This site makes details available for those who wish to know more about the diet. It also offers the latest SCD-related news as well as ongoing updates to the information presented in the book.
www.pecanbread.com. This is Elaine Gottschall's other site thet promotes her own book on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. It is also an Autism-specific supplement to breakingtheviciouscycle.com.
www.uclbs.com has this:
The Upper Canada Lower Bowel Society is a group of people in southern Ontario who offer information and encouragement to others in the area who are battling inflammatory bowel diseases such as Crohn's, Ulcerative Colitis, Diverticulitis, Celiac, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Autism, and Cystic Fibrosis by following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.
Natasha spends a couple of pages listing all the nutrients in assorted meats, revealing thet the vitamins in grain are not as digestible as the vitamins in meat. It is similar to the way the calcium in milk is useless but the calcium in vegetables is absorbed well.
Fruit generally interferes with the digestion of meats and should be eaten between meals. Vegetables combine with meats and fish very well, and would provide the missing nutrients.
After ingesting meat and fish our tissues accumulate acids. After digesting vegetables our body becomes alkaline. By combining the meats and vegetables in 1 meal we balance the acidity in the body, whereas fruits are acidic.
I am going to review the book, Eat Right For Your Type next (see my review, above), because it elaborates greatly on how the digestion works in relation to the specific blood type of the consumer. I am Type O blood, that means I have a very high level of stomach acid. This allows me to eat a lot of fat with no digestive problem, but I get horrible acid reflux if I ingest citrus. Meanwhile, someone with Type A blood will have trouble digesting fats, but thrive on acidic fruit.
She goes on to rave about the splendiferous benefits of liver, stating thet the nutrients in liver far out-weigh the nutrients in the finest vitamin pills, thus GAPS patients (and everyone else) should eat liver every day.
Meats cooked in water are easier to digest for a person with a sensitive digestive system. Avoid lean meats - our physiology can only use meat fibers when they come with the fat, collagen, and other substances thet a proper piece of meat will provide. When we eat poultry, it is important to eat the skin and the fats. When we eat fish, it is important to eat the skin.
Eggs are the most nourishing and easy to digest foods on this planet. Raw egg yolk has been compared with human breast milk because it can be absorbed almost 100% without needing digestion.
Due to the moronic medical profession, we have been brain-washed to believe eating Cholesterol is bad for you - eggs being high in Cholesterol. The facts are: 85% of blood Cholesterol does not come from food, but is produced by the liver in response to consumption of processed carbohydrates and sugar. Of course she recommends free-range organic eggs. She then recommends thet we read her other book, Put You Heart In Your Mouth, which elaborates on the scam thet is "eating-Cholesterol-causes-heart-disease".
Those with high amounts of stomach acid (Type O blood) digest meat and fats easily. However, Natasha points out thet eating acidic fruit with meat interferes with digestion. This seems odd, in thet since it is the high acid thet digests the meat, it would seem logical thet eating more acid would help digest fat. But now thet she mentions it, I would always get a stomach ache from eating meat, thus convincing me to become a vegetarian, back when I lived in Oregon where acidy fruit is plentiful and free. I was ingesting mostly fruit, which resulted in my stomach aching from it's inability to digest fats. I eliminated the stomach-ache-producing meat, which resulted in me eating even more acidic fruit. At my bleeding-guts-worse, I was consuming mostly acidic fruit, gobbling ant-acids by the pound, and shitting blood every day. It makes me wonder if my then excessive stomach acid was making my guts practically digest themselves.
Then I discovered thet I am Type O blood and thet Type Os cannot eat acid, so I removed the acidic fruit from my diet. Without the acidic fruit in my guts, I started craving fats. Today my intestinal state is superb, totally healed. I can eat all the meat I want and never get a stomach ache.
All Dr Frankenstein Mengele can do is poke prescription ant-acids down your throat, which cause even more intestinal damage. "Acid Reflux Disease!" There is no such thing.
Natasha goes on to warn against commercially-produced fruit-juices, because they are pasteurized, thus killing the nutrients in them, leaving nothing left but fructose, which is basically liquid sugar. Never feed a child apple juice!
She says cooking vegetable oils kills the nutrients in them, thus we should only cook with animal fat. Cold-pressed oils are healthy as long as you do not cook them.
She suggests thet we do not ingest cold water, as cold water makes the gut contract, making the bad digestion worse. Always drink warm fluids.
The gelatinous soft tissue around the bones and bone marrow provide some of the best healing remedies for the gut lining and the immune system; you need to consume them with every meal.
Never use microwaves, they destroy food.
She recommends adding nut-flour breads to your diet as the first thing to eat after warm water and Probiotics. This is good for healing the gut, but only for those who are not Autistic (many nuts contain Gluten) or allergic to nuts.
The diet evolves with the addition of sour dough, the fermentation and enzymes of which adding to the diversity of intestinal flora.
When I accidentally ate rotten food thet gave me Salmonella or Botulism, I puked my guts out. To keep from getting dehydrated, I drank as much water as I could gag down, only to immediately throw it up again. I kept ingesting massive amounts of water, throwing up and drinking more water until the toxins were washed out. I was at last rid of the poison, but I had also washed all the enzymes out of my stomach. I went for another 2 whole days of not being able to eat anything at all. My stomach was simply not equipped to digest anything, and I would gag at the mere thought of eating. So I ate raw sour dough with honey and goat's milk yoghurt. All of this soured and fermented foods re-infused my system with the digestive enzymes it needed to get back to normal. By the next day I could at last eat again.
Unfortunately the type of flour thet sours easily is either wheat, rye, or barley, all the grains thet are high in Gluten and thus must be avoided by Autistics. So you should eat Probiotics instead. Of course sour milk products such as buttermilk, kefir, yoghurt, etc, are obviously loaded with Casein. You can buy Probiotic tablets at any healthfood store.
From my clinical observations I have yet to meet a healthy vegetarian.
As I said above, when I eliminated the stomach-ache-inducing meat from my diet, I got severe Acid Reflux. Thus eliminating the meat was not the answer, eliminating the acidic fruit was.
I also believed the absolute bullshit thet a low salt diet was good for me. This resulted in my mercury-poisoning-induced inability to handle heat become much worse. I was on the verge of heat-stroke all summer long (even though I lived in Western Oregon where the summers are hardly ever above 85 degrees F). As we know, to handle heat you must ingest a lot of salt. After I got the mercury out of my teeth, I stopped sun-burning and could handle heat so much better thet I can now live in the scorching Southern Arizona, while ingesting a lot of salt!
As you may have noticed, any time you get injured, the first thing the Paramedics do is stick an IV of saline solution directly into your veins. Saline solution is basically liquid salt! Salt is very good for you. Eat a lot of it, a lot of meat, and a lot of Cholesterol (and drive a stake through Frankenstein Mengele's heart).
All the corrupt puppet/whores of the pharmaceutical industry medical profession can do is mask the symptoms of your illnesses thet are caused by their moronically-recommended low salt, low fat, low Cholesterol diets.
When Sara was 10 she decided to become a vegetarian because she felt sorry for animals. As typically happens in this sort of situation, Sara's vegetarianism translated into living largely on pasta and cheese, bread and cakes, chocolate bars, and vegetarian sandwiches. After 1 to 2 years of her vegetarianism she developed digestive problems, and became very susceptible to any cold or virus going around. She had developed the typical picture of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, with bloating, constipation, and abdominal pain. A chain of chest infections were treated with numerous courses of antibiotics. At 15 she was diagnosed with Anorexia. After 1 year of hospital treatment her Anorexia was replaced with Bulimia. Sara became depressed and had very low levels of energy. She found it difficult to study, work, or participate in any social activity. She developed suicidal thoughts and a desire to hurt herself. After a few suicide attempts she ended up in a psychiatric hospital under the control of neuroleptic drugs.
Misguided vegetarianism [in this case, bleeding-heart animal's rights bullshit] is fast becoming a major cause of mental illness in our young people. Plant foods are hard to digest, and they contain a list of anti-nutrients, which can damage the gut; digestive problems are the first symptoms which appear in those beginner vegetarians.
As 1 example, apples are a negative calorie food; i.e., it takes more calories to digest it than there are in it. Plus they are high in Phenol, which is poisonous to humans.
From my perspective, Oregon has a 100% Paranoid Schizophrenic population. It also has a very high percentage of animal's rights/victim-identifier, vegans! The 3 major Anarchist organizations in the USA are based in Oregon, the land of the professionally-offended. All 3 terrorist hate-groups, Earth First, Animal Liberation Front, and Earth Liberation Front are based there. Most Oregonians are paranoid assholes. Oregon also has the second highest rate of suicide in the USA. Is this mass-insanity caused by the fact most of them are mentally-ill Vegetarians? Possibly.
A decade after writing the above, Portland Oregon became the ANTIFA Capitol of the world. No purprise.
The only beings thet should live entirely on plants are ruminants; i.e. animals who have a 4-compartment stomach and chew a cud. 90% of the digestion process for a cow takes place in its mouth, where it re-chews it's food 4 times before it goes into the intestines to have the nutrients absorbed. The human digestion system only has 1 small stomach thet produces acid and pepsin, not digestive enzymes.
An excellent book on the subject is The Vegetarian Myth by Lierre Keith.
It is rare to meet a GAPS patient who is not a finicky eater. This is especially true of Autistics.
First, the GAPS brain is clogged with toxicity, and cannot process information properly. The taste and texture of foods can be quite offensive to them.
All Autistics gag on certain textures of food. For me it is vitamin pills. I have to put 1 pill in my mouth, then guzzle seed-milk 6 gulps or so before the pill will go down. My body filters out the pill, but allows the seed-milk to pass, me gagging the whole time. Sometimes I consume over a quart of seed-milk in order to get a handful of pills to go down. I know of an Aspie kid who gags if he even sees someone else swallow pills.
Second is the craving for sweet and starchy foods. This is typical of people with abnormal bodily flora, especially Candida albicans; i.e., intestinal yeast infection. Yeast thrives on sugars, thus making you crave such things. I would guess thet all alcoholics have an intestinal yeast infection - explaining why most people love to combine pizza with beer.
Third, Natasha explains how the imbalance in the bacteria in the mouth contributes to the gag-reflex; specifically, Fresh fruit binds with the abnormal bacteria in it's attempt to take it out of the body. This binding can feel like burning, itching, or stinging, which is part of what makes Autistic kids such finicky eaters.
I will interject thet my gagging on certain textures is not caused by such things (though I may have had that at times in my childhood). For me it is simply the Sensory Processing Disorder - the sound of air hand-driers triggering a panic response, the texture of vitamin pills triggering a gag response.
As another reference-point, film critic Roger Ebert got cancer in his saliva glands. It spread horribly, and so the evil medical profession ended up removing his entire lower jaw, tongue, and voice-box! Having always been a pasty-looking fat guy, his diet must have been awful, but Dr Frankenstein Mengele, instead of addressing the cause of his cancer (bad diet), "masked the symptoms" by cutting half his head off! I suggest what may have been wrong with him was the snow-ball effect thet started with a simple intestinal yeast infection.
Natasha says point-blank thet Autism is a GAPS Disorder, and thet it is the cause (at least in part) of the classic symptoms of Autistic bad mouth co-ordination. She is correct, though, as I said above, originating-in-the-brain-Sensory Processing Disorders also play a part.
Obsessive behaviors and self-stimulation generally should not be encouraged in Autistic children.
The facts are, stimming is necessary for an Autistic as their way of calming their over-stimulated senses. It is also comforting to them to be fixated on a specific thought or action, repeating it over and over to create order in their scrambled senses, which would otherwise result in their deer-in-headlights reaction to Sensory Processing Disorders, and eventually a tantrum of rage because they cannot tune it out. The problem is thet the child will escape into it (as opposed to using it temporarily to relieve stress) if allowed to do nothing but stim non-stop; they can become addicted.
In Donna Williams' book Nobody Nowhere, she told of herself teaching a screaming Autistic child to Stim herself to calm. In this case encouraging the child to do so, saved her from developing uncontrollable rage-attacks.
Natasha declares thet "weaning foods", usually grain-based, are totally inappropriate, and thet babies should be given meat-broth instead. She also recommends thet babies be breast-fed beyond the age of 2 (by a mom who is on the GAPS Diet). I agree with all of this.
There is no doubt that psychological factors play a role in developing eating-disorders. However, the official position that it is "all in the mind" and that all you have to do is "re-educate the person to eat" without regard to what the person is given to eat, is probably the main reason for relapsing.
In the movie Breaking and Entering (see my review), the girl was practically Anorexic because she was Autistic; i.e., all food made her feel sick. Her "eating disorder" was not caused by the traditional Anorexic brain malformity, nor was it the fake-Anorexia "body image distortion". It was caused by her damaged gut and it's abnormal flora which caused her Autistic finicky eating (to the extent thet she was almost Anorexic - she simply could not gag it down).
Hanna was a healthy child until the age of 13; she did well at school, played sports, had friends, and was almost never ill. She had never had antibiotics, and was breast-fed for a year.
At the age of 13 she decided to become a vegetarian, which her parents did not object to. From that point on, her diet consisted of breakfast cereals, pasta, rice, and a lot of breads and potatoes. However, she was still okay because she ate eggs, full-fat dairy, and peanut butter.
At 16 she went to dancing school, where she was pressured to lose weight. To lose the weight, she became a Vegan and stopped eating anything with any fat in it. Within a few weeks she developed a glandular fever, which was (of course) "treated" with a long course of antibiotics. They were useless, and the fever lasted for over a year! From 17 on, she went through constant throat and chest infections, "treated" with more antibiotics.
At 18 she went to University, where she decided to become a model, so she had to lose weight again. To do that she started taking laxatives and diet pills. This went on for 2 years, during which she became painfully thin, grew very weak physically, was constantly ill with infections and colds, her menstruation stopped, she developed alternating constipation and diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, bloating, abdominal pain, and indigestion. She became very depressed. The inevitable (ridiculous) diagnosis of "Anorexia" followed.
Hanna had psychotherapy and "counseling". She continued with her bad habits.
By 19 she tried to kill herself. This led to regular "hospitalization" in psychiatric facilities, psychiatric drugs, and (thus) repeated suicide attempts.
I first met Hanna at the age of 21. She was taking anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (!) "medications". Her diet was still vegetarian and low fat.
Steve Jobs died of cancer at the age of 56. He was a vegetarian.
A low-fat diet leads to deficiency in fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K, which means disaster for all sorts of metabolic functions in the body, particularly the immune system.
The "Autism Diet" includes Vitamins B6, K2, D3, Glutathione, and Selenium. These supplements are necessary for Autistics specifically.
Vitamin B group is another deficiency these children develop very quickly, as meats, eggs, and other animal products are the main food sources of these nutrients. Vegetarian diets are largely based on carbohydrates, which require a lot of magnesium to be digested and metabolized, so deficiency in magnesium follows.
Restless Leg Syndrome is when your thigh muscles spasm constantly. This is the direct result of a Magnesium deficiency; i.e., there is flat out no such thing as Restless Leg Syndrome! The medical profession knows this, but make more money treating diseases than they do curing them, thus they prescribe muscle tranquilizers (for life) rather than simply changing your bad diet.
Every time I went on a Motorcycle Adventure Ride, I carried mainly canned food with me - it is just so convenient. These were mostly vegetables and fruit, for I was of the opinion thet a vegetarian diet was healthy. I always had to also carry Magnesium supplements because I would always get this deficiency. I recognized my squirmy leg was caused by eating mostly canned food (believing the canned food was simply cooked to death, thus killing the vitamins), but I did not realize it was the vegetables themselves. Now when I carry canned food with me I make sure it is beef stew, salmon, mackerel, sardines, etc.
Natasha goes on to state thet a vegetarian diet, and especially a Vegan diet, is the equivalent of child abuse. She also explains how the Vegan diet makes the body believe it is starving, thus converting what nutrients there are into fat, rather than energy. The body-fat stores toxins thet should attach to the fat you should be eating and thus pulled out of your system. This is what results in eating disorders.
The difference between Anorexia Nervosa and fake-Anorexia: Anorexia Nervosa is a physical brain malformity thet causes the brain to trigger the fight or flight reaction when the blood sugar rises. In severe cases this creates outright terror-attacks if the person eats anything at all. This is true.
Fake-Anorexia is when the emaciated skeleton looks at herself in the mirror and pretends to see an obese hippo. She starves herself in order to get attention and be a manipulative passive/aggressive; i.e., she does not have the brain malformity, she is just a energy-vampire with her playing-the-victim game.
Natasha explains how this works: This develops where the abnormal gut flora starts producing toxins, which flow through the damaged gut wall into the blood and get distributed around the body. As these toxins get into the brain, they cause problems with mood, behavior, learning, concentration, memory, and sensory perception, including self-perception, that goes badly wrong in these children who then go on to develop an eating disorder. When an Anorexic girl looks in the mirror, she does not see how painfully thin she looks; she sees fat and obesity. She is not pretending, and she is not deceiving herself. She honestly has an altered sense of perception, caused by toxicity in the brain. We have discussed the altered sensory perception of Autism; the same thing happens in these Anorexic children.
I still think there are some people who starve themselves, pretending they have Anorexia in order to manipulate people with their passive/aggressive BS. But according to Natasha, there could also be a legitimate case where the person's Sensory Processing Disorders are so severe they honestly see a distorted image in the mirror, caused by the effects of their bad diet.
As an Autistic, I am an expert on Sensory Processing Disorders; all of my sensory perception is abnormal, thus explaining why I must smell what I look at, and read the lips of whom I am hearing, etc. I have to combine at least 2 of my abnormal senses together to triangulate what the hell is going on. This is typical of most Autistics, and possibly what is going on with what I previously referred to as "Fake Anorexia"; i.e., I stand corrected (in some cases).
The fact remains thet there are 2 different kinds of Anorexia; a physical brain malformity, and a Sensory Processing Disorder. "Anorexia" is a vague label that is applied to both, even though they may not be related - thus they need 2 different labels.
The same can be said for Autism, wherein the obviously differing sub-categories of Aspergers Syndrome, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism have recently been homogenized into the vague catch-all phrase of Autism Spectrum Disorder by the morons who publish the DSM-5. There is a difference between these 3 disorders, thus they need 3 different labels.
Back to the subject of Anorexia: Hormonal Exhaustion. Hormones are proteins. The body cannot build them without a good supply of protein, zinc, magnesium, fat-soluble vitamins, B vitamins, and all the other nutrients these children are deficient in. As hormones rule our metabolism, growth, repair, etc, the child stops growing, menstruation becomes irregular or stops, sexual development arrests, the child develops poor muscle-tone, osteoperosis, fatigue, emotional and behavioral problems, inability to concentrate and learn, sleep problems, skin problems, etc, etc.
As mainstream medicine give no thought to what particular food these children should eat, in Eating-disorder Clinics they are largely given carbohydrates. As the child is low in hormones, the body cannot use the calories from these carbohydrates, so they get stored as body fat. That is why these children put weight on very quickly as soon as they start eating, which leads to a relapse of the eating disorder. So the idea of mainstream medicine trying to "get them to eat anything", is not only wrong, but damaging.
Get your patient to drink a cup of warm meat stock every hour all day every day. Add a teaspoon of homemade yoghurt to every cup. This remedy will start the healing process in the gut lining.
Recently discovered is the use of Vitamin K to heal Ulcers, Colitis, Leaky Gut Syndrome, Crohn's, Celiac, etc. Once I started on my Vitamin K, my guts healed and my Autism symptoms reduced notably.
Natasha gives us a whole chapter on Probiotics, including a mind-boggling list of ailments cured by simply having the proper flora in your gut.
She goes on to explain how we evolved the need for soil-based microbes in our guts from drinking from wells and streams. Today's "clean" city water, full of ammonia and chlorine, causes kidney failure and bladder cancer; and let us not forget the horrible poison Fluoride.
Probiotics will kill the pathogenic bacteria in your gut, which may cause the "die-off effect" in those with large amounts of pathogenic bacteria in their system; i.e., you may feel awful. This is good news, for it proves the Probiotic is working - tough it out and keep taking the Probiotic.
This Die-off Effect is also seen in those with a very bad intestinal yeast infections. Taking Nystatin kills the yeast which then releases toxins thet make you feel horrible. Tough it out and keep taking the Nystatin. It will only take a few days for the dead yeast to pass. Then you take your Vitamin K to heal the damage done by the yeast.
Vegetable oils, cooking oils, margarines and butter replacements, spreadable butter, hydrogenated oils, shortenings and many other artificial fats are processed; they are alien to the human physiology and must not be consumed by anybody.
To make vegetable oils solid, and to increase their shelf-life, they are hydrogenated. Hydrogenation is a process of adding hydrogen molecules to the chemical structure of the oils under high pressure at a high temperature in the presence of nickel and aluminum and sometimes other toxic metals. This processing also changes the structure of the natural oils producing a whole host of very harmful fats. They have been implicated in diabetes, artherosclerosis, cancer, neurological and psychiatric conditions. They interfere with pregnancy, normal production of hormones, ability of insulin to respond to glucose, and ability of enzymes and other active substances to do their jobs, and have damaging effects on the liver and kidneys.
A breast-feeding mother would have trans fats in her milk fairly quickly after ingesting a helping of quote-unquote "healthy" butter replacements. A baby's brain has a high percentage of unsaturated fatty acids. Trans fats would replace them and interfere with the brain development. Trans fats are so harmful, there is simply no safe limit.
Animal fats have nothing to do with heart disease, atherosclerosis, or cancer. Our human physiology needs these fats; they are important for us to eat on a daily basis.
The simplistic idea that eating fats makes you fat is completely wrong. Consuming processed carbohydrates is what causes obesity.
This inevitably leads one to question the cholesterol hypothesis.
Every cell and every structure in the nervous system needs cholesterol. The developing eyes and brain of the foetus and new-born requires large amount of cholesterol. Human milk provides a specific enzyme to allow the baby's digestive tract to absorb almost 100% of that cholesterol. Manufacturers of infant formula are aware of this fact, but following the anti-cholesterol dogma, they produce formulas with virtually no cholesterol. To sell the product they give the ignorant customers what they think they want, consequences be damned.
Myelin coats every nerve cell and every nerve fiber like insulation on an electrical wire. It provides protection for every tiny structure in our brain and nervous system. Myelin is made of 20% cholesterol. People who lose their Myelin develop Multiple Sclerosis.
Memory-loss is one of the side-effects of cholesterol-lowering drugs. Dr Duane Graveline, MD, former NASA scientist and astronaut, suffered such memory loss while taking his cholesterol-lowering pills, Lipitol. He saved his memory by stopping his doctor-prescribed pill, and increasing his intake of cholesterol-rich foods, such as fresh eggs. He described his experience in his book, Lipitor - Thief of Memory: Statin drugs and the misguided war on cholesterol.
Foods rich in cholesterol:
Caviar, cod liver oil, fresh egg yolks, natural butter, cold-water fish and shellfish such as salmon, mackerel, sardines, and shrimp, lard and animal fats.
Low blood cholesterol has been routinely recorded in criminals who have committed violent crimes, people with aggressive and violent personalities, people prone to suicide, and those with aggressive social behavior and low self-control.
Autistic kids being known for uncontrollable tantrums, it is no wonder they usually have very low cholesterol levels and even need supplemental cholesterol. When I become (Autistic meltdown type of) wound up, I often crave salmon and shrimp.
Immune cells rely on cholesterol to fight infections. People with high cholesterol are 4 times less likely to contract colds.
Cod liver oil has long been prized as the best support for the immune system.
Natasha goes into a very elaborate explanation of how Omega-6 works. This mind-boggling description goes on for several pages, including statistics about taking 2 parts Omega-3 to 1 part Omega-6, and why, the sources of Omega fats, and the pros and cons of each. This is very enlightening. She has really done her research.
She also discusses Cod liver oil, Hemp oil, Flax oil, Olive oil, and is especially supportive of Coconut oils. Elsewhere I have found glowing praise of how good coconut oil is for Autistics specifically (unless they have Type O blood).
50% of fatty acids in coconut is Lauric Acid. Such pathogens as candida albicans, helicobacter pylori, measles, herpes, cytomegalovirus, Epstien-Barr, influenza, and many others are susceptible to Lauric Acid. It is also 1 of the natural ingredients in human breast milk, protecting the baby from infections.
Of course you should ingest it in it's natural form, strictly avoiding hydrogenated oils - they are deadly.
The most important fats to consume are animal fats.
People who cannot digest fats always present with vitamin A deficiency. Gut diseases are the most common symptoms of vitamin A deficiency. The book Eat Right For Your Type (reviewed above) explains which blood type will naturally have difficulty digesting fat, thus needing additional Vitamin A supplementation.
Vitamin D.
Cholesterol is the major building-block of Vitamin D. D is made from cholesterol in our skin when it is exposed to sunlight. Our misguided fear of the sun and avoidance of cholesterol-rich foods have created an epidemic of D deficiency in the Western diet. Sunbathing is not only good for us, it is essential! Skin cancer, blamed on the sunshine, is not caused by the sun. It is caused by our processed foods and toxic lifestyles.
I long ago came to the conclusion thet my horrible sunburns were caused by the mercury poisoning from the fillings in my teeth (once I got the fillings removed, I stopped getting sunburns). Smearing your kid with sun-block, and eliminating cholesterol from their diet is actually dangerous. See what I said above about dosing Autistic kids with pure cholesterol.
In the UK, the recommended daily allowance of Vitamin D is 10 micrograms per day. This allowance is minimal, and only enough to prevent one from getting Rickets or Osteomalacia. To have optimal health, we need more Vitamin D than this. Sunbathing is the very best way to get Vitamin D. In the winter, ingesting Cod Liver oil is best. This is why Eskimos, who eat nothing but polar bears, seals, and fish (a high fat, high cholesterol diet), never get cancer, even though (living in the acrtic) their skin gets very little sun exposure.
Natasha spends a whole chapter on Digestive Enzymes, showing how Gluten and Casein convert into brain-poisoning opiates, causing Autism and Schizophrenia. She also quotes another 1 of the best books ever written on the subject, Biological Treatments For Autism and PDD (see my review above). She further goes into amazing detail explaining exactly how the digestive enzymes work (or not) in relation to the chemical imbalances caused by bad diet. She also goes into a discussion of mal-digestion and mal-absorption.
The next chapter is about supplemental nutrients, wherein she explains how over-dosing on 1 vitamin makes you develop a deficiency in another, because both vitamins are competing for absorption from the same part of your gut. This is easily seen in Vitamin Bs specifically, wherein if you only take mega-doses of B6, you will develop a deficiency in B12, even though you are otherwise taking plenty of B12. You must always take B in Complex form; i.e., equal portions of all Bs at the same time. Your body will thus absorb what it needs of/from all of them, rather than getting too much of 1 which makes it block the others.
She says, No one knows how to prescribe vitamins and minerals, because each person's body chemistry is different, thus proving the "Recommended Daily Allowance" is usually flat-wrong for most people; e.g., I am what is called a "Vitamin C Needer" in thet I have difficulty getting enough. Taking mega-doses, your body will only absorb what it needs, and pass the rest. If you take more than enough Vitamin Bs, your pee will come out bright yellow, or even orange, passing what it does not need. If you take more than enough Vitamin C, your body will absorb what it needs and pass the rest as diarrhea - resulting in the typical "ream your guts out" Vitamin C over-dose. I am a person who can take 10,000% of the RDA of Vitamin C, absorb it all, and need more - I never get diarrhea from it.
It has been shown thet giving heroin addicts mega-doses of Vitamin C (and I mean 50,000% of the RDA) can cure them of the addiction. These people are especially prone to (heroin) addiction due to them being Vitamin C Needers like me.
She goes on to recommend her own diet described in this book, juicing, and Pro-biotics. A good Pro-biotic on average increases the absorption-rate of nutrients from food by 50% or more.
She goes on to say, I normally do not recommend any vitamin or mineral supplementation at the beginning of the program. I recommend putting most of the effort into implementing the diet first, and starting the healing process in the gut. Once the digestive system starts working properly, in many patients their nutritional deficiencies disappear without any supplementation.
Caffein kills Vitamin C, thus if you take even mega-doses of Vitamin C, and wash it down with a cup of coffee, you have just defeated the purpose; i.e., adding vitamins to bad diet is not as efficient as simply eating the correct (for your personal body-chemistry and blood-type) diet. Of course, all patients are different, and some of them require targeted supplementation. This is especially obvious in hyper-sensitive and severely-damaged Autistics, who must have supplemental B6, K2, D3, Glutathione, and Selenium, no matter how good their (strictly avoiding Gluten and Casein) diet is.
A number of Autistic children improve while taking chelation drugs, but they regress back to their previous state as soon as chelation stops. One explanation is thet they re-accumulate heavy metals from the environment as soon as the chelation stops, because their own detox system is unable to deal with these metals.
She goes on to strongly recommend Juicing. See the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, wherein juicing was shown to literally save the lives of several people.
To make a glass of carrot juice takes a pound of carrots. Nobody can eat a pound of carrots at once, but you can get all the nutrition from them by drinking the juice, no additional vitamin supplementation necessary.
Natasha recommends Elder Berries as a natural cure-all.
She discussed the toxic load we get from our modern environment, explaining how the fumes from painting one's house can cause Epileptic seizures in some people, and how the cosmetics industry is not regulated, meaning they can put pretty much anything they want into the cosmetics, most of which are toxic in some way. I am extremely sensitive to make-up, perfume, skin-creams, etc. For me, the best form of contraception is make-up, hair-spray, nail-pollish, and perfume. If you wear those things, I will not be touching you; my eyes burn, my nose stings, and I itch and wheeze and gag. Women should always be freshly-scrubbed (that is if you want to seduce me).
She also recommends something I have practiced for years; a vinegar bath. Every week take a scalding hot bath which includes a half a gallon of brown apple cider vinegar. It leaches the pesticides out of your skin (if you live on planet Earth, you have pesticides on your skin).
2/3 of all children in the Western World have had ear infections at some time during each year. She says point-blank thet ear-aches and ear infections are caused by sugar, milk, and processed carbohydrates.
There is no difference in the outcome of an ear infection between giving an antibiotic and doing nothing at all, other than the anti-biotic will kill your intestinal flora.
The top 10 influences which boost immunity:
1) Animal fats.
2) Cold pressed oils.
3) Onions and garlic.
4) Fresh pressed vegetable and fruit juices.
5) Regular consumption of greens.
6) Probiotic supplementation
7) Contact with animals.
8) Swimming in clean water.
9) Physical activity in fresh air.
10) Sensible sunbathing.
Top 10 influences which damage immunity:
1) Sugar.
2) Processed carbohydrates.
3) Chemically altered and artificial fats; i.e., margarine and cooked vegetable oil.
4) Lack of high-quality protein in the diet from meat and fish, eggs, nuts and seeds.
5) Exposure to man-made chemicals.
6) Exposure to man-made radiations: TV and computer screens, cell-phones, high-power electric lines, nuclear stations, etc.
7) Prescription drugs of any kind.
8) Lack of fresh air and exercise.
9) Lack of sunlight.
10) Living in too sterile of an environment.
Constipation is always a sign of deficient gut flora. A healthy person should have 1 - 2 bowel-movements a day.
She recommends the books:
Entering the World of Autism: A mother's story.
Treating Autism: Parents Stories of Hope and Success.
Recovering Autistic Children.
The ADD/ADHD Checklist.
How To Reach and Teach ADD/ADHD Children.
Raising a Thinking Child.
This marvelous book ends with a listing of 24 full pages of references; e.g.: 18 on "Does MRR cause Autism", 48 on Epilepsy, etc.
This was definitely 1 of the top 5 best books I have reviewed thus far. Very highly recommended.
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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I
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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I
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Internal Bliss
by Natasha Campbell-McBride
This cook-book presents a hundred or so yummy recipes which use only the ingredients from her cure-all GAPS Diet, as mentioned in the above-reviewed book Gut and Psychology Syndrome. Recommended for anyone with an intestinal disorder. Recommended for anyone - period.
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by Natasha Campbell-McBride
This cook-book presents a hundred or so yummy recipes which use only the ingredients from her cure-all GAPS Diet, as mentioned in the above-reviewed book Gut and Psychology Syndrome. Recommended for anyone with an intestinal disorder. Recommended for anyone - period.
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It's All In Your Head
The link between mercury amalgams and illness
by Dr Hal A Huggins
The simple and overwhelmingly significant truth is this: What happens to your teeth can affect your entire body.
Many people with silver-mercury Amalgam fillings and root-canals have simply stepped over the boundary of what their immune system can tolerate.
In the 1840s European dentists used the new, cheap, long-lasting mercury (called Quaksilber); translating into English as “Quicksilver”. Later it was discovered to be deadly poison, thus the doctors who used it were called Quacks.
This era of dentistry is affectionately known as “Amalgam War One.” In the USA this resulted in the demise of the National Association of Dental Surgeons. This association would ban as unethical any dentist who used mercury in a patient. When half the dentists continued to use it anyway, the organization disintegrated. Later it was replaced by the American Dental Association, which favored the use of cheaper mercury fillings over the more costly, but safer, Gold.
“Amalgam War Two” came along in the 1920s, led by a German chemist who himself became forgetful, brain-fogged, and ill due to exposure to mercury from his fillings. Upon their removal, he noted the return of his intellectual capacities. He published about 30 articles on the subject, which met with violent reactions from the dental community. After inordinate amounts of abuse, he finally dropped the subject.
“Amalgam War Three” started in Mexico, when Olympio Pinto and I argued about the safety of dental Amalgam. I argued for 2 hours thet mercury did not come out of fillings. That was the old Dr Huggins, I barely remember him now.
During the 20s, Pinto’s dentist father removed mercury fillings and saw patients suffering from Leukemia and neurological diseases improve.
In the 60s Pinto came to America to earn his post-Doctorate Master’s Degree. His chemistry and physics professors were very supportive of his thesis subject: "The Diseases Caused by Silver-mercury Fillings." The National Institute of Dental Research got wind of his research, and he was forced to stop.
I ran blood-tests before and after Amalgam removal. Hurriedly I sought to inform the leaders of dentistry thet mercury was poison.
During the writing of this book, my now-ex wife Sharon (who lives incognito, preferring not to be a target of those who favor the placement of Amalgam), spent many hours co-generating parts of my original manuscript. We wrote this after the “scientific” conference thet “re-affirmed the safety of Amalgam.”
In 1984, the American Dental Association stated thet only 5% of the population was sensitive, and thet that was too low to be significant. When someone pointed out thet 5% of Americans equals 12 million people, the ADA declared thet only 1% was sensitive. By 1989 that figure had dropped to 1 million people. I can find no studies to support any of these claims.
In 1983 I developed a patch test for mercury toxicity. If the skin turns red, the patient has a sensitivity. It did not take long to find thet a change in skin color was not the prime indicator, because skin reactions are the result of allergic reactions, not toxic reactions.
In working with the patch test, I found thet 33% of the 1,000 people tested actually turned red. But systematic reaction (toxic response) was demonstrated in 90% of those tested.
The reason I stopped using the patch was thet whatever the people’s problems were, when the patch was placed they were apt to have a double-plus reaction; e.g., if the patient had seizures, a patch would trigger a seizure. Migraines could be triggered, emotional upheavals generated, loss of muscle-control similar to symptoms of MS, etc – enough negatives to suggest there had to be a better way to test people.
When I obtained my Masters of Science degree, my thesis was on mercury-toxicity, entitled “The Medical and Legal Implications of Components of Dental Materials.” Those implications were astounding, but not as astounding as the “avoidance of confrontation” by the leaders of the dental profession.
OSHA requires thet Dentists notify their patients of the composition of their products. Has your dentist ever done this?
Here are the most recent results of double-blind tests on over 3,500 patients: 95% were reactive to copper; 94% to zinc; 90% to mercury; 66% to silver; and 62% to tin (all of which are in Amalgam fillings).
Now there was a test for nearly 100 dental chemicals other than mercury. This led me to find thet there were many replacement dental materials thet also had a negative impact on the immune system; i.e., it is easy to jump from the frying pan into the fire, so do not just run out and replace your Amalgams.
I have now tested over 7,000 patients, and can show thet over 90% demonstrate immune reactivity to low levels of mercury, while Amalgam fillings contain 50% mercury.
I met 11-year-old Susan on December 19th. She had been having seizures every 15 minutes for 6 months. Her parents said they had been told she had 3 months to live. With seizures coming every 15 minnits, we had 14 minutes between them to get the Amalgams out and replace them with non-mercury fillings. Susan had violent convulsions in the dental chair - we were tossed into the air like rag-dolls.
On December 25th she woke up. The numbness in her body was gone, her brain was clear, she got out of bed and walked downstairs by herself! There were no more seizures. The next spring we video-taped her running the 100-yard dash in 14.8 seconds.
Later I heard the reaction from the ADA; their official comment to a newspaper was thet I had faked the video-tape.
A University of Colorado School of Dentistry student called me, he said “We were shown video tapes of that 11-year-old having seizures and we were encouraged to jeer and laugh at it.”
Mercury kills cells by interfering with their ability to exchange oxygen, nutrients, and waste products through the cell membrane. Inside the cell mercury destroys our genetic code leaving us without the ability to reproduce that cell again.
Immunologically, mercury embeds itself in a cell membrane, giving that cell the appearance of being “non-self”, which is the trigger for the immune system to destroy that specific cell. With mercury in your cell membranes, the immune system will start destroying your own tissues, thus the term “auto-immune disease”. Examples of these are Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, Scleroderma, and Lupus.
In medicine, if a drug has a 1 in 1,000 chance of causing an adverse reaction, the patient is informed. In dentistry, a dentist may place any number of EPA-listed toxic substances in your mouth without giving the slightest hint of the potential side-effects. Mercury, copper, nickel, beryllium, zinc, phenol, formaldehyde, diisocyanate, and acetone are just a few of the nearly 100 chemicals thet are placed daily into unsuspecting patients’ mouths. The ADA is fighting to prevent “informed consent” in dentistry.
In 1979 I bought an electrical current measuring device called an ammeter, similar to those used to test small batteries, and started touching fillings. There was electrical current! When a filling was touched, it discharged and the meter gave me a reading. If touched again a few seconds later the filling’s charge was significantly lower. Touching it a 3rd time gave me a reading thet was practically un-measurable. Given 20 minutes, the charge would build up again.
When a filling is discharged, the current is released and runs into the body and up to the brain. It does not discharge into the filling next to it, but let a gold crown be placed beside an Amalgam filling and all kinds of electrical fury are generated.
Electrical current is an indicator of the speed of the surface chemical reaction which releases mercury vapor.
I asked the psychologist to open his mouth, placed a tube over his filling, and watched in stupefied silence as the needle went to 10, then 20, then 30, and then 50 micrograms of mercury per cubic meter of air. The maximum safe level of exposure for 8 hours in a 24 hour day, according to OSHA, is 50 micrograms. At 51 mg, they fine the offender $10,000 and close the facility. Our professor’s fillings pushed the needle up to 60, 70, and finally rested at 90 micrograms! Here is a University professor, minding his own business, yet contaminating his own body and my office with toxic levels of mercury vapor every time he exhaled. Should OSHA fine him? One patient, after chewing gum for 2 minutes, exhibited a level of 300 micrograms over his fillings!
He explains thet about half of the mercury leaches out of a filling and into your body in 5 years, and by 7 years the electrical current nearly doubles.
90% of humans are reactive to mercury, and even more so to copper. Today there are over 750 materials in dental-work. I have found thet no dental material is safe for everyone. Even some of the “safe” plastics react in over 50% of the population.
Gold is relatively soft, and in it’s pure state is not durable enough for long-term wear. Other metals have been added to harden the gold, but also to reduce the cost. Platinum and palladium have been used, and now iridium, indium, gallium, silver, and copper are found in gold. Some “gold” actually contains less than 10% pure gold.
Remember thet contact between any 2 metals in your mouth generates electrical current. The fewer the metals, the less electrical current it is likely to create; i.e., the higher percentage of pure gold, the better it may be for you biochemically.
But even gold is not safe for everyone. In testing 3,500 patients, I found thet about 9% have an immune system reactivity to gold.
Of all the metallic dental materials, high-copper Amalgam is probably the most deadly.
In a study of 7,000 dental patients, 64% reacted to over 50% of the composites. In fact 1 of the most popular “plastic” fillings shows immune reactivity in over 90% of the population.
Most of the adverse reactions to nickel are similar to those of mercury. Neurological disturbances, emotional upsets, and blood problems including Leukemia can be initiated by nickel crowns. Most removable bridges, called partial dentures, are made of nickel.
“Tin-grin” orthodontic patients are showing off nickel, not tin. The amount of electrical current generated by braces is generally several times higher than that created by Amalgam fillings.
Cast glass crowns and inlays contain 25% aluminum, and may be as high as 45% in some porcelains. Over 80% of patients suffer a drop in immune protection when exposed to aluminum. And aluminun poisoning is what cases Alzheimers.
Weston Price, director of research for the ADA for 14 years, published many articles in the 1920s telling of the dangers of root-canals. Just try to find those articles today.
At autopsy, people’s brain levels of mercury correspond with the number of fillings in their teeth.
The Glucose–Cholesterol movement alone might suggest a relationship between mercury and Diabetes. Amalgam removal has even resulted in a lowering of some Diabetics’ Insulin requirements. For patients who do not take Insulin, Amalgam removal has helped bring down elevated Glucose levels significantly.
Manganese is apt to be the primary deficiency in degenerative diseases. Manganese acts as the key to unlocking the energy in a cell. If Mercury interferes, the cell does not function properly.
Dentistry is a self-policing profession and is not directly responsible to the CDC, nor anyone else.
The term Retention Toxicity describes the patient who is mercury-toxic because of a lack of ability to excrete. The mercury-toxic patient loses some ability to excrete mercury when Amalgam is placed in their mouth. Upon removal of the Amalgam, they excreted more mercury, and their symptoms improve.
He explains how important it is to have the negatively-charged fillings removed first, then remove the positive-charged fillings. This procedure causes the body to excrete Mercury better – in fact in some cases, no improvement was recorded because the patient had their fillings removed in the wrong order.
Mercury-toxic patients frequently have a low body-temperature because mercury is blocking the Thyroid hormone. The Thyroid hormone has 4 activation sites onto which iodine can attach. When mercury occupies 1 of these positions, Iodine cannot hook up with them. Mercury gets into these Thyroid activation positions. As a result, even though a Thyroid function test indicates available Thyroid hormone, the mercury on the Iodine position prevents the Thyroid from reacting. Does dentistry have the right to place something in your mouth thet lowers your body temperature 1 or 2 degrees?
He recommends ingesting Trans Mix (a multi-mineral supplement), Vitamin C, and Eater’s Digest (a digestive enzyme) to help excrete mercury-poisoning.
Finally, before having your Amalgams removed you must have a serum compatibility test run so your replacement fillings will not cause you more damage than the Amalgams you are replacing. This test is available through the Huggins Diagnostic Center.
There are an additional 8 recommended blood-tests, all of them are described here in detail.
High levels of Cholesterol are caused primarily by consumption of sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. Foods containing Cholesterol will not raise your Cholesterol level if you keep sugar, alcohol, and caffeine out of your diet. 80% of all Cholesterol in the blood serum is produced by the body it’s self from foods thet do not contain Cholesterol.
For those suffering from Candida albicans [the common intestinal yeast-infection most Autistics are prone to] I recommend a high protein diet, but it must be animal protein. I have never been able to help anyone who was on a vegetarian diet.
Patients who are on a low-salt diet are restricting their ability to metabolize protein. I have never seen an elevated sodium level thet was the result of consuming table salt. This can all be summed up with what I have said several times: For optimum health you must eat a high fat, high salt, high Cholesterol diet.
Drinking milk blocks the stomachs ability to absorb Calcium and Magnesium.
Many people are concerned about Osteoperosis and thus take Calcium supplements in an effort to prevent it. However, bone metabolism, specifically bone density, is controlled by the minerals Magnesium and Manganese, not Calcium.
Among other things, Manganese helps control glucose levels, aids in the calcification of teeth, works with Magnesium to prevent muscle cramping ["Restless Leg Syndrome" is nothing more than a Magnesium deficiency], aids in the development of the inner and outer ear, works with Magnesium to control hyperkinetic and Autistic behavior in children, aids in nerve-impulse transmission, helps prevent tingling and numbness in the limbs, and works with zinc in the prevention of birth-defects.
Magnesium is involved in the activation of 78% of all the enzyme systems. Where there is a lack of Magnesium, there is also a higher potential for tooth decay, so as a means of controlling dental problems, Magnesium is essential.
Although Amalgam fillings in your teeth are the biggest source of Mercury-poisoning, you can also ingest large amounts of Mercury through your diet. The greatest dietary source of Mercury is Tuna. This is followed closely by Lobster, Shrimp, and Oysters. Fish excrete only 1% of the Mercury they ingest every day.
He decries the use of kelp and sea salt, for they upset the water balance between the inside and outside of the cells. Himalayan (pink) salt is good for you, and very high in minerals.
He recommends a special diet for the mercury-toxic patient: beef, turkey, chicken, butter, eggs, and salt.
One must avoid: alcohol, caffeine, cheese, chocolate, all seafood, liquids with meals, lite salt, margarine, milk, refined carbohydrates, smoking, soft drinks, sugar, and inactive supplements (i.e., the non-organic form of vitamins). He briefly explains why each of these things are good or bad for you, all of which makes a lot of sense.
Other sources of mercury poisoning: contact lens solutions often have Thimerosal in them as a preservative, which contains 50% mercury; this is the same mercury-based preservative thet is in vaccines (which cause Autism). Always get “preservative-free” contact lens solutions.
Increased excretion of ear-wax is designated as a symptom of mercury poisoning. I have always had to wash out my ears every week, for most of my life. Then I got my mercury fillings removed, and the problem went away.
While supplementation is often necessary for basic correction, it is not always necessary forever. If you have access to organically-grown foods and good water you may be able to derive all of the nutrients you need from your foods (most people get their food from grocery stores, who in turn get their food from factory, or otherwise industrial mass-production, farms; i.e. unless you grew it yourself, you need to take vitamins). If your body has sustained some direct blows and needs more of a particular substance than is available in a normal diet, supplementation may be required for many years. This is definitely true in the case of any intestinal disorder, such as Autism, Schizophrenia, Epilepsy, Crohns, Celiac, etc, wherein the damaged intestines cannot absorb enough nutrients, thus additional, in fact sometimes massive, doses are required for adequate nutrition.
Multiple vitamins are okay, as long as the Vitamin B12 does not exceed 10 micrograms daily. More than this amount depletes the body of folic acid, which is 1 of the primary deficiencies created by mercury poisoning.
Please do not harass your own dentist about the mercury issue if they show resistance. In all States except California, dentists are threatened with the loss of their license if they so much as mention to a patient thet mercury might be hazardous.
Please call The Huggins Diagnostic Center for a referral to dentists in your area who have been trained in these techniques. I can at least help you obtain a blood-test for compatible dental materials to avoid experiencing out-of-the-frying-pan-into-the-fire syndrome.
The Center’s number is 800 331-2303.
In 1990 Dr Huggins founded The Huggins Diagnostic Center, which embodies multiple health disciplines, including medicine, dentistry, biochemistry, hematology, toxicology, pathology, nutrition, nursing, psychology, movement education, Feldenkrais, acupressure, massage, and sauna therapy in 1 diagnostic treatment facility, all under a team direction.
He believes mercury toxicity damages so many areas thet the team approach seems to be required in order to cover all the avenues found to stimulate recovery. He hopes this will serve as a pattern for a future healthcare model.
All around a great book, this is a good companion to Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD.
Also see http://hempusa.org/teeth-cause-disease/
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The link between mercury amalgams and illness
by Dr Hal A Huggins
The simple and overwhelmingly significant truth is this: What happens to your teeth can affect your entire body.
Many people with silver-mercury Amalgam fillings and root-canals have simply stepped over the boundary of what their immune system can tolerate.
In the 1840s European dentists used the new, cheap, long-lasting mercury (called Quaksilber); translating into English as “Quicksilver”. Later it was discovered to be deadly poison, thus the doctors who used it were called Quacks.
This era of dentistry is affectionately known as “Amalgam War One.” In the USA this resulted in the demise of the National Association of Dental Surgeons. This association would ban as unethical any dentist who used mercury in a patient. When half the dentists continued to use it anyway, the organization disintegrated. Later it was replaced by the American Dental Association, which favored the use of cheaper mercury fillings over the more costly, but safer, Gold.
“Amalgam War Two” came along in the 1920s, led by a German chemist who himself became forgetful, brain-fogged, and ill due to exposure to mercury from his fillings. Upon their removal, he noted the return of his intellectual capacities. He published about 30 articles on the subject, which met with violent reactions from the dental community. After inordinate amounts of abuse, he finally dropped the subject.
“Amalgam War Three” started in Mexico, when Olympio Pinto and I argued about the safety of dental Amalgam. I argued for 2 hours thet mercury did not come out of fillings. That was the old Dr Huggins, I barely remember him now.
During the 20s, Pinto’s dentist father removed mercury fillings and saw patients suffering from Leukemia and neurological diseases improve.
In the 60s Pinto came to America to earn his post-Doctorate Master’s Degree. His chemistry and physics professors were very supportive of his thesis subject: "The Diseases Caused by Silver-mercury Fillings." The National Institute of Dental Research got wind of his research, and he was forced to stop.
I ran blood-tests before and after Amalgam removal. Hurriedly I sought to inform the leaders of dentistry thet mercury was poison.
During the writing of this book, my now-ex wife Sharon (who lives incognito, preferring not to be a target of those who favor the placement of Amalgam), spent many hours co-generating parts of my original manuscript. We wrote this after the “scientific” conference thet “re-affirmed the safety of Amalgam.”
In 1984, the American Dental Association stated thet only 5% of the population was sensitive, and thet that was too low to be significant. When someone pointed out thet 5% of Americans equals 12 million people, the ADA declared thet only 1% was sensitive. By 1989 that figure had dropped to 1 million people. I can find no studies to support any of these claims.
In 1983 I developed a patch test for mercury toxicity. If the skin turns red, the patient has a sensitivity. It did not take long to find thet a change in skin color was not the prime indicator, because skin reactions are the result of allergic reactions, not toxic reactions.
In working with the patch test, I found thet 33% of the 1,000 people tested actually turned red. But systematic reaction (toxic response) was demonstrated in 90% of those tested.
The reason I stopped using the patch was thet whatever the people’s problems were, when the patch was placed they were apt to have a double-plus reaction; e.g., if the patient had seizures, a patch would trigger a seizure. Migraines could be triggered, emotional upheavals generated, loss of muscle-control similar to symptoms of MS, etc – enough negatives to suggest there had to be a better way to test people.
When I obtained my Masters of Science degree, my thesis was on mercury-toxicity, entitled “The Medical and Legal Implications of Components of Dental Materials.” Those implications were astounding, but not as astounding as the “avoidance of confrontation” by the leaders of the dental profession.
OSHA requires thet Dentists notify their patients of the composition of their products. Has your dentist ever done this?
Here are the most recent results of double-blind tests on over 3,500 patients: 95% were reactive to copper; 94% to zinc; 90% to mercury; 66% to silver; and 62% to tin (all of which are in Amalgam fillings).
Now there was a test for nearly 100 dental chemicals other than mercury. This led me to find thet there were many replacement dental materials thet also had a negative impact on the immune system; i.e., it is easy to jump from the frying pan into the fire, so do not just run out and replace your Amalgams.
I have now tested over 7,000 patients, and can show thet over 90% demonstrate immune reactivity to low levels of mercury, while Amalgam fillings contain 50% mercury.
I met 11-year-old Susan on December 19th. She had been having seizures every 15 minutes for 6 months. Her parents said they had been told she had 3 months to live. With seizures coming every 15 minnits, we had 14 minutes between them to get the Amalgams out and replace them with non-mercury fillings. Susan had violent convulsions in the dental chair - we were tossed into the air like rag-dolls.
On December 25th she woke up. The numbness in her body was gone, her brain was clear, she got out of bed and walked downstairs by herself! There were no more seizures. The next spring we video-taped her running the 100-yard dash in 14.8 seconds.
Later I heard the reaction from the ADA; their official comment to a newspaper was thet I had faked the video-tape.
A University of Colorado School of Dentistry student called me, he said “We were shown video tapes of that 11-year-old having seizures and we were encouraged to jeer and laugh at it.”
Mercury kills cells by interfering with their ability to exchange oxygen, nutrients, and waste products through the cell membrane. Inside the cell mercury destroys our genetic code leaving us without the ability to reproduce that cell again.
Immunologically, mercury embeds itself in a cell membrane, giving that cell the appearance of being “non-self”, which is the trigger for the immune system to destroy that specific cell. With mercury in your cell membranes, the immune system will start destroying your own tissues, thus the term “auto-immune disease”. Examples of these are Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, Scleroderma, and Lupus.
In medicine, if a drug has a 1 in 1,000 chance of causing an adverse reaction, the patient is informed. In dentistry, a dentist may place any number of EPA-listed toxic substances in your mouth without giving the slightest hint of the potential side-effects. Mercury, copper, nickel, beryllium, zinc, phenol, formaldehyde, diisocyanate, and acetone are just a few of the nearly 100 chemicals thet are placed daily into unsuspecting patients’ mouths. The ADA is fighting to prevent “informed consent” in dentistry.
In 1979 I bought an electrical current measuring device called an ammeter, similar to those used to test small batteries, and started touching fillings. There was electrical current! When a filling was touched, it discharged and the meter gave me a reading. If touched again a few seconds later the filling’s charge was significantly lower. Touching it a 3rd time gave me a reading thet was practically un-measurable. Given 20 minutes, the charge would build up again.
When a filling is discharged, the current is released and runs into the body and up to the brain. It does not discharge into the filling next to it, but let a gold crown be placed beside an Amalgam filling and all kinds of electrical fury are generated.
Electrical current is an indicator of the speed of the surface chemical reaction which releases mercury vapor.
I asked the psychologist to open his mouth, placed a tube over his filling, and watched in stupefied silence as the needle went to 10, then 20, then 30, and then 50 micrograms of mercury per cubic meter of air. The maximum safe level of exposure for 8 hours in a 24 hour day, according to OSHA, is 50 micrograms. At 51 mg, they fine the offender $10,000 and close the facility. Our professor’s fillings pushed the needle up to 60, 70, and finally rested at 90 micrograms! Here is a University professor, minding his own business, yet contaminating his own body and my office with toxic levels of mercury vapor every time he exhaled. Should OSHA fine him? One patient, after chewing gum for 2 minutes, exhibited a level of 300 micrograms over his fillings!
He explains thet about half of the mercury leaches out of a filling and into your body in 5 years, and by 7 years the electrical current nearly doubles.
90% of humans are reactive to mercury, and even more so to copper. Today there are over 750 materials in dental-work. I have found thet no dental material is safe for everyone. Even some of the “safe” plastics react in over 50% of the population.
Gold is relatively soft, and in it’s pure state is not durable enough for long-term wear. Other metals have been added to harden the gold, but also to reduce the cost. Platinum and palladium have been used, and now iridium, indium, gallium, silver, and copper are found in gold. Some “gold” actually contains less than 10% pure gold.
Remember thet contact between any 2 metals in your mouth generates electrical current. The fewer the metals, the less electrical current it is likely to create; i.e., the higher percentage of pure gold, the better it may be for you biochemically.
But even gold is not safe for everyone. In testing 3,500 patients, I found thet about 9% have an immune system reactivity to gold.
Of all the metallic dental materials, high-copper Amalgam is probably the most deadly.
In a study of 7,000 dental patients, 64% reacted to over 50% of the composites. In fact 1 of the most popular “plastic” fillings shows immune reactivity in over 90% of the population.
Most of the adverse reactions to nickel are similar to those of mercury. Neurological disturbances, emotional upsets, and blood problems including Leukemia can be initiated by nickel crowns. Most removable bridges, called partial dentures, are made of nickel.
“Tin-grin” orthodontic patients are showing off nickel, not tin. The amount of electrical current generated by braces is generally several times higher than that created by Amalgam fillings.
Cast glass crowns and inlays contain 25% aluminum, and may be as high as 45% in some porcelains. Over 80% of patients suffer a drop in immune protection when exposed to aluminum. And aluminun poisoning is what cases Alzheimers.
Weston Price, director of research for the ADA for 14 years, published many articles in the 1920s telling of the dangers of root-canals. Just try to find those articles today.
At autopsy, people’s brain levels of mercury correspond with the number of fillings in their teeth.
The Glucose–Cholesterol movement alone might suggest a relationship between mercury and Diabetes. Amalgam removal has even resulted in a lowering of some Diabetics’ Insulin requirements. For patients who do not take Insulin, Amalgam removal has helped bring down elevated Glucose levels significantly.
Manganese is apt to be the primary deficiency in degenerative diseases. Manganese acts as the key to unlocking the energy in a cell. If Mercury interferes, the cell does not function properly.
Dentistry is a self-policing profession and is not directly responsible to the CDC, nor anyone else.
The term Retention Toxicity describes the patient who is mercury-toxic because of a lack of ability to excrete. The mercury-toxic patient loses some ability to excrete mercury when Amalgam is placed in their mouth. Upon removal of the Amalgam, they excreted more mercury, and their symptoms improve.
He explains how important it is to have the negatively-charged fillings removed first, then remove the positive-charged fillings. This procedure causes the body to excrete Mercury better – in fact in some cases, no improvement was recorded because the patient had their fillings removed in the wrong order.
Mercury-toxic patients frequently have a low body-temperature because mercury is blocking the Thyroid hormone. The Thyroid hormone has 4 activation sites onto which iodine can attach. When mercury occupies 1 of these positions, Iodine cannot hook up with them. Mercury gets into these Thyroid activation positions. As a result, even though a Thyroid function test indicates available Thyroid hormone, the mercury on the Iodine position prevents the Thyroid from reacting. Does dentistry have the right to place something in your mouth thet lowers your body temperature 1 or 2 degrees?
He recommends ingesting Trans Mix (a multi-mineral supplement), Vitamin C, and Eater’s Digest (a digestive enzyme) to help excrete mercury-poisoning.
Finally, before having your Amalgams removed you must have a serum compatibility test run so your replacement fillings will not cause you more damage than the Amalgams you are replacing. This test is available through the Huggins Diagnostic Center.
There are an additional 8 recommended blood-tests, all of them are described here in detail.
High levels of Cholesterol are caused primarily by consumption of sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. Foods containing Cholesterol will not raise your Cholesterol level if you keep sugar, alcohol, and caffeine out of your diet. 80% of all Cholesterol in the blood serum is produced by the body it’s self from foods thet do not contain Cholesterol.
For those suffering from Candida albicans [the common intestinal yeast-infection most Autistics are prone to] I recommend a high protein diet, but it must be animal protein. I have never been able to help anyone who was on a vegetarian diet.
Patients who are on a low-salt diet are restricting their ability to metabolize protein. I have never seen an elevated sodium level thet was the result of consuming table salt. This can all be summed up with what I have said several times: For optimum health you must eat a high fat, high salt, high Cholesterol diet.
Drinking milk blocks the stomachs ability to absorb Calcium and Magnesium.
Many people are concerned about Osteoperosis and thus take Calcium supplements in an effort to prevent it. However, bone metabolism, specifically bone density, is controlled by the minerals Magnesium and Manganese, not Calcium.
Among other things, Manganese helps control glucose levels, aids in the calcification of teeth, works with Magnesium to prevent muscle cramping ["Restless Leg Syndrome" is nothing more than a Magnesium deficiency], aids in the development of the inner and outer ear, works with Magnesium to control hyperkinetic and Autistic behavior in children, aids in nerve-impulse transmission, helps prevent tingling and numbness in the limbs, and works with zinc in the prevention of birth-defects.
Magnesium is involved in the activation of 78% of all the enzyme systems. Where there is a lack of Magnesium, there is also a higher potential for tooth decay, so as a means of controlling dental problems, Magnesium is essential.
Although Amalgam fillings in your teeth are the biggest source of Mercury-poisoning, you can also ingest large amounts of Mercury through your diet. The greatest dietary source of Mercury is Tuna. This is followed closely by Lobster, Shrimp, and Oysters. Fish excrete only 1% of the Mercury they ingest every day.
He decries the use of kelp and sea salt, for they upset the water balance between the inside and outside of the cells. Himalayan (pink) salt is good for you, and very high in minerals.
He recommends a special diet for the mercury-toxic patient: beef, turkey, chicken, butter, eggs, and salt.
One must avoid: alcohol, caffeine, cheese, chocolate, all seafood, liquids with meals, lite salt, margarine, milk, refined carbohydrates, smoking, soft drinks, sugar, and inactive supplements (i.e., the non-organic form of vitamins). He briefly explains why each of these things are good or bad for you, all of which makes a lot of sense.
Other sources of mercury poisoning: contact lens solutions often have Thimerosal in them as a preservative, which contains 50% mercury; this is the same mercury-based preservative thet is in vaccines (which cause Autism). Always get “preservative-free” contact lens solutions.
Increased excretion of ear-wax is designated as a symptom of mercury poisoning. I have always had to wash out my ears every week, for most of my life. Then I got my mercury fillings removed, and the problem went away.
While supplementation is often necessary for basic correction, it is not always necessary forever. If you have access to organically-grown foods and good water you may be able to derive all of the nutrients you need from your foods (most people get their food from grocery stores, who in turn get their food from factory, or otherwise industrial mass-production, farms; i.e. unless you grew it yourself, you need to take vitamins). If your body has sustained some direct blows and needs more of a particular substance than is available in a normal diet, supplementation may be required for many years. This is definitely true in the case of any intestinal disorder, such as Autism, Schizophrenia, Epilepsy, Crohns, Celiac, etc, wherein the damaged intestines cannot absorb enough nutrients, thus additional, in fact sometimes massive, doses are required for adequate nutrition.
Multiple vitamins are okay, as long as the Vitamin B12 does not exceed 10 micrograms daily. More than this amount depletes the body of folic acid, which is 1 of the primary deficiencies created by mercury poisoning.
Please do not harass your own dentist about the mercury issue if they show resistance. In all States except California, dentists are threatened with the loss of their license if they so much as mention to a patient thet mercury might be hazardous.
Please call The Huggins Diagnostic Center for a referral to dentists in your area who have been trained in these techniques. I can at least help you obtain a blood-test for compatible dental materials to avoid experiencing out-of-the-frying-pan-into-the-fire syndrome.
The Center’s number is 800 331-2303.
In 1990 Dr Huggins founded The Huggins Diagnostic Center, which embodies multiple health disciplines, including medicine, dentistry, biochemistry, hematology, toxicology, pathology, nutrition, nursing, psychology, movement education, Feldenkrais, acupressure, massage, and sauna therapy in 1 diagnostic treatment facility, all under a team direction.
He believes mercury toxicity damages so many areas thet the team approach seems to be required in order to cover all the avenues found to stimulate recovery. He hopes this will serve as a pattern for a future healthcare model.
All around a great book, this is a good companion to Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD.
Also see http://hempusa.org/teeth-cause-disease/
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Laughing and Loving With Autism
by R Wayne Gilpin
This book is very much like the Humor In Uniform, or In a Day's Work sections of Readers Digest - a hundred or so humorous or heartwarming stories each told in a few paragraphs.
The intro says, The Authors are an amalgamation of family members, friends, and teachers of children and adults from all over the world.
Many of the stories are about my son Alex, who's charm and often surprising perspective on the world formed the genesis for this book. I would relate "Alex stories" to my friends who encouraged committing them to print. Then as I spoke to others involved with Autism, I realized Alex was a microcosm of those with the challenge of Autism. Countless others had stories equally funny and/or touching.
Then I advertised in the Autism Society of America periodical for contributions, and received hundreds. It was fun work as I spent countless hours laughing, smiling, and occasionally tearing-up at stories.
Often authors claim their books are labors of love; that has never been as true as it is with this offering. The contributors show their greatest strength in facing Autism: Humor.
Stories include:
My twin boys, age 6, are both Autistic. However they seem to show a willingness to share and help each other, even though they do not with other children. Each has his own food preferences; Mathieu likes potatoes and Albert likes carrots. At dinner it is not unusual for the twins to finish eating their preferred food, get up simultaneously, walk around the table, sit at the other's place and continue eating their preferred food from the others' plate.
The secret language of twins and this special bond between twins is something thet had not occurred to me to examine within the context of Autism. I would love to see more on this subject.
There is a book written by an Autism mom who has identical triplet daughters, all of whom have Autism. I look forward to reading it and hopefully getting more information about this bonding aspect.
My brother, David Sudbury, is high-functioning but still definitely offers some Autistic-like behaviors. Recently he got a job with a company in their print and reproduction room. Things were going reasonably well until the President noticed some very unusual mail coming in to their address.
The mail was not addressed to their company, Smith and Martin, but to Smith and Sudbury, attention David Sudbury, Vice President!
David had changed the company name to a more appropriate title and had appointed himself to an executive position in the process.
My son told me he wanted a Los Angeles telephone book for Christmas. That seemed reasonable to me, since he loves to collect phonebooks from other cities.
When I called the phone company to order the book, I was informed thet it consisted of 2 sepret volumes and cost far more than my allotted $50. I thought I would go ahead and order it, giving him 1 volume at Christmas and the other on his birthday.
I was very surprised when he took them to the local Chamber of Commerce office and returned with an old beat-up LA phone book. I could not understand what had happened.
He explained thet he needed the new phone book to give to the Chamber of Commerce so they would let him have their old one. "The old is much better", he said, because it has an illustration of the old Holiday Inn sign in it's Yellow Pages. He never liked the new Holiday Inn sign.
I have always been a pet-lover, and was a little sad thet Alex took very little interest in any of the family pets. However, one day I thought there was a sudden awakening of normal interest.
I was tossing a rubber ball from the loving room out into the hallway so our very energetic dog, Spencer, could retrieve it - a game he loves. After 5 or 6 tosses, I noticed a real interest in Alex's face. To my further surprise, he asked if he could do it. I was delighted, and Alex proceeded to throw with some vigor, whizzing the ball past Spencer out into the hallway.
However, after 3 or 4 throws, I saw thet he was bothered and giving a sigh of disgust after each throw. I asked Alex what was wrong. He said, "Dad, I am missing - Spencer keeps moving his head!"
There was poor Spencer, thinking it was a great game, never realizing that, in Alex's mind, he was the target!
Our son Ryan is a 17-year-old severely handicapped/low-functioning Autistic who loves junk-food. No shit - Sherlock! Part of the reason he is severely handicapped and low-functioning is because you feed him junk-food, you unfit parent!
In book after book I see this crap. You had an Autistic child for 17 years and still do not know shit about Autism. What an idiot! After 17 years, there is no excuse.
When our son was about 7 or 8, I took him to McDonald's for lunch. It was always a challenge to balance a tray of food, my infant daughter, and my flapping non-verbal Autistic son.
McDonald's? No shit, Sherlock!
Then he started to have ear infections. We took him to the doctors and found out he had to have an operation [apparently to install tubes to drain the ubiquitous pus]. After the operation we noticed something different about him. So he was examined at the Kennedy Institute. That is when they found out he had symptoms of Autism.
Ear infections are caused by drinking milk. The antibiotics used to kill the infection cause Autism. In the mean time, you mutilate his head installing plastic tubes, when there was nothing wrong with him other than ignorant parents who know nothing about nutrition, and utterly corrupt doctors who just want to weasel money out of people "treating" illnesses rather than eliminating their causes - the evil corruption of drug-pushing butchers.
There was originally nothing wrong with this kid.
I come from the planet Newportia. Welcome to my world. Here, everything happens on time, people always mean what they say, you never have to do more than 1 thing at a time, and Newportia has no crime.
Other than this continual appallingly-ignorant acceptance thet Autistics cannot be cured, and McDonald's is a good place to eat, this was overall an enjoyable book. Several parts made me angry, but others made me laugh.
Also see Part 2, reviewed below.
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by R Wayne Gilpin
This book is very much like the Humor In Uniform, or In a Day's Work sections of Readers Digest - a hundred or so humorous or heartwarming stories each told in a few paragraphs.
The intro says, The Authors are an amalgamation of family members, friends, and teachers of children and adults from all over the world.
Many of the stories are about my son Alex, who's charm and often surprising perspective on the world formed the genesis for this book. I would relate "Alex stories" to my friends who encouraged committing them to print. Then as I spoke to others involved with Autism, I realized Alex was a microcosm of those with the challenge of Autism. Countless others had stories equally funny and/or touching.
Then I advertised in the Autism Society of America periodical for contributions, and received hundreds. It was fun work as I spent countless hours laughing, smiling, and occasionally tearing-up at stories.
Often authors claim their books are labors of love; that has never been as true as it is with this offering. The contributors show their greatest strength in facing Autism: Humor.
Stories include:
My twin boys, age 6, are both Autistic. However they seem to show a willingness to share and help each other, even though they do not with other children. Each has his own food preferences; Mathieu likes potatoes and Albert likes carrots. At dinner it is not unusual for the twins to finish eating their preferred food, get up simultaneously, walk around the table, sit at the other's place and continue eating their preferred food from the others' plate.
The secret language of twins and this special bond between twins is something thet had not occurred to me to examine within the context of Autism. I would love to see more on this subject.
There is a book written by an Autism mom who has identical triplet daughters, all of whom have Autism. I look forward to reading it and hopefully getting more information about this bonding aspect.
My brother, David Sudbury, is high-functioning but still definitely offers some Autistic-like behaviors. Recently he got a job with a company in their print and reproduction room. Things were going reasonably well until the President noticed some very unusual mail coming in to their address.
The mail was not addressed to their company, Smith and Martin, but to Smith and Sudbury, attention David Sudbury, Vice President!
David had changed the company name to a more appropriate title and had appointed himself to an executive position in the process.
My son told me he wanted a Los Angeles telephone book for Christmas. That seemed reasonable to me, since he loves to collect phonebooks from other cities.
When I called the phone company to order the book, I was informed thet it consisted of 2 sepret volumes and cost far more than my allotted $50. I thought I would go ahead and order it, giving him 1 volume at Christmas and the other on his birthday.
I was very surprised when he took them to the local Chamber of Commerce office and returned with an old beat-up LA phone book. I could not understand what had happened.
He explained thet he needed the new phone book to give to the Chamber of Commerce so they would let him have their old one. "The old is much better", he said, because it has an illustration of the old Holiday Inn sign in it's Yellow Pages. He never liked the new Holiday Inn sign.
I have always been a pet-lover, and was a little sad thet Alex took very little interest in any of the family pets. However, one day I thought there was a sudden awakening of normal interest.
I was tossing a rubber ball from the loving room out into the hallway so our very energetic dog, Spencer, could retrieve it - a game he loves. After 5 or 6 tosses, I noticed a real interest in Alex's face. To my further surprise, he asked if he could do it. I was delighted, and Alex proceeded to throw with some vigor, whizzing the ball past Spencer out into the hallway.
However, after 3 or 4 throws, I saw thet he was bothered and giving a sigh of disgust after each throw. I asked Alex what was wrong. He said, "Dad, I am missing - Spencer keeps moving his head!"
There was poor Spencer, thinking it was a great game, never realizing that, in Alex's mind, he was the target!
Our son Ryan is a 17-year-old severely handicapped/low-functioning Autistic who loves junk-food. No shit - Sherlock! Part of the reason he is severely handicapped and low-functioning is because you feed him junk-food, you unfit parent!
In book after book I see this crap. You had an Autistic child for 17 years and still do not know shit about Autism. What an idiot! After 17 years, there is no excuse.
When our son was about 7 or 8, I took him to McDonald's for lunch. It was always a challenge to balance a tray of food, my infant daughter, and my flapping non-verbal Autistic son.
McDonald's? No shit, Sherlock!
Then he started to have ear infections. We took him to the doctors and found out he had to have an operation [apparently to install tubes to drain the ubiquitous pus]. After the operation we noticed something different about him. So he was examined at the Kennedy Institute. That is when they found out he had symptoms of Autism.
Ear infections are caused by drinking milk. The antibiotics used to kill the infection cause Autism. In the mean time, you mutilate his head installing plastic tubes, when there was nothing wrong with him other than ignorant parents who know nothing about nutrition, and utterly corrupt doctors who just want to weasel money out of people "treating" illnesses rather than eliminating their causes - the evil corruption of drug-pushing butchers.
There was originally nothing wrong with this kid.
I come from the planet Newportia. Welcome to my world. Here, everything happens on time, people always mean what they say, you never have to do more than 1 thing at a time, and Newportia has no crime.
Other than this continual appallingly-ignorant acceptance thet Autistics cannot be cured, and McDonald's is a good place to eat, this was overall an enjoyable book. Several parts made me angry, but others made me laugh.
Also see Part 2, reviewed below.
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Let Me Hear Your Voice
A family’s triumph over Autism
by Catherine Maurice
Part 1:
The Forward is written by Bernard Rimland, wherein he says, “Her insightful dissection of the assumptions and presumptions of the psychoanalysts brings to light new and valid criticisms of that futile and archaic approach to therapy. Her brilliant analysis and expose´ of the therapeutic field should be required reading for parents and professionals alike.
I learned thet Behavior Modification might be helpful to Autistic children, and so I visited Ivar Lovaas. ‘It is amazing’ he told me. ‘All these years we have known how well it worked for Helen Keller, but no one thought to try it on Autistic children.’
The reason Behavior Modification had not previously been used was simple: The overwhelmingly dominant dogma held that Autistic children were biologically normal youngsters who had withdrawn from human contact because of supposed psychological mishandling by their ‘Refrigerator Mothers.’ The only 2 treatments were Psychotherapy and Drugs.
As an ardent early proponent of Behavior Modification, I was frequently asked, ‘Since you believe Autism is a biological disorder, how can you advocate a behavioral approach as an effective treatment?’ My response was simple: Behavioral modification did not restore sight and hearing to Helen Keller, her biological handicaps remained with her, but it did permit her to learn the skills she needed to adapt to her environment.
Autism is a biological disorder. Almost half of all Autistics improve in numerous ways when given large amounts of vitamin B6 and Magnesium.
If you want to help Autistic children, discard your biases and preconceptions. Find what worked for others, and give these approaches a wholehearted try. You will reap rich rewards in throwing aside dogmatism in favor of pragmatism.” (See my How To Recover page).
Catherine suffered a still-birth followed by 3 miscarriages. She eventually had 3 kids, 2 Autistic.
Autism, I read, was a Syndrome of early childhood characterized by extreme aloneness (lack of attachment, failure to cuddle, avoidance of eye-contact); insistence on sameness (rituals, resistance to change, morbid attachment to familiar objects, repetitive acts); disordered speech and language (which vary from total muteness, through delayed onset of speech, to idiosyncratic use of language); and markedly uneven intellectual performance (i.e., outright Genius at one subject, total Retard at another).
No more was said. No suggestion as to what could have caused it, nor how to cure it, nor even treat it.
Her first child, Anne-Marie, was non-verbal. She took her to a Speech Therapist who wrote up a report, but refused to share it. Instead it was sent only to Anne-Marie’s Pediatrician who would then, after his (knowing nothing about Autism) personal interpretation, be the one to decide what Catherine had the right to know.
The only resulting recommendation from all the “professional” “experts” was useless Play Therapy!
She had almost no non-verbal communication: no smile, no nod, no head-shake, no gesturing or shrugging or mimicking of facial expressions. If she wanted something, she would take the nearest adult’s hand by the back of the wrist, never looking up, and shove it at the desired item. But she still did not fit exactly the definition of the Syndrome. She does not rock, scream or flinch when you touch her, spin things, nor line things up.
Catherine’s only option was to put Anne-Marie in a “Special Nursery”, where 1 woman took Catherine into a side room to ask her many questions about how she was coping, while another woman Psychiatrist sat and watched Anne-Marie from a distance, and another woman “teacher” followed Anne-Marie around trying to get her to play with her.
Again I tried to determine exactly what went on in this Nursery. Was there a special curriculum for Autistic children? How much one-on-one instruction did they get? Were there defined goals for each individual child? What exactly did they hope to achieve here? What did they offer that she could not get at home? What did their combined degrees of PhD, MD, MSW, and MS represent for Anne-Marie?
The response was mystifying and disappointing. They seemed to be promising a few hours a week of “acceptance”, accompanied by mounds of paper-work, periodic “conferences” where any “progress” would be “re-evaluated”. I thanked them for their time, and left.
Meanwhile: She no longer even looked up at anyone coming or leaving. She would stare at a piece of dust, then slowly bring it up in front of her eyes and gaze at it, enthralled. She pulled little pieces of string off the rugs she would twirl between her fingers, endlessly fascinated. She seemed mesmerized by the combination of sight and sound, tapping 2 objects rhythmically in front of her face. Her activities were becoming stranger, more bizarre. I watched her, close to panic, as she repetitively sorted through puzzle pieces, held them up 2 by 2, always at right angles to each other, and just stared at them. Oh please baby. Please don’t do that. Why are you doing that? I gave her a teddy bear hoping she might cuddle it the way a normal child would. Instead, she developed a strange ritual of pushing it through the bottom rungs of a chair, over and over. She toe-walked almost exclusively. Seated on the floor staring dreamily into space, she extended her neck, held the position and ground her teeth. I was finding it hard not to cry out. The sense of helplessness was overwhelming. Without any preamble of anger or frustration, she raised both of her hands and calmly struck her face.
I would come dangerously close to lashing out. I would feel a knot of fury begin in my chest, then travel outward until my jaw, neck, and throat muscles had become iron bands. I felt the anger and it was eating me up.
How acutely I felt I was failing. I was confronting some terrible inadequacy in fulfilling that motherly role. I could barely meet the needs of my healthy children. I was completely helpless before my afflicted one.
My fitful sleep was punctuated by nightmares of Anne-Marie in a dark wood, left alone in a house, forgotten in a car. I dreamed we were all at the beach, playing in the surf. I had a growing sense of dread since I knew I had to hold onto the 3 children or the current would take them. Daniel was clinging to my leg, I had the baby in 1 arm, while with the other I held Anne-Marie’s hand. Suddenly she slipped, and she was under the water. I could not find her. I was grasping and screaming.
I would go in to check on her and find her eyes wide open at 2:00 in the morning, silent, staring straight ahead.
I sat down on the floor with my back to the wall. “That is not Anne-Marie”, I whispered. “I do not have to love her anymore because that is not Anne-Marie.”
At this point, the “Faerie Changeling” scenario starts to sound logical.
More and more we read books. Some of the material consisted of anecdotal accounts of living with an Autistic child. The rest could be divided into 2 major categories: The “coping” books, and the “descriptive” books. The coping books basically let you know what to expect, and gave suggestions for “handling self-injurious behavior.” I wanted to know how to blast it out of existence. I did not want to know about group homes and respite care; I wanted to know how to keep her close to me, safe and beloved. The message of these books was clear: This is what is going to happen; here is how to adjust. One of the books was titled Autism: Nightmare Without End.
We became more “expert” in Autism, yet paradoxically grew more helpless. We learned a lot of terminology for Anne-Marie’s behaviors, but no one could tell us what to do about them. I was getting to the point where I would pick up a book, read the introduction and table of contents, then toss it into a growing “useless” pile. So many monuments to hopelessness.
So they start meeting with “Doctors”. I was told Dr Dubrovsky was the one I needed to see. She was the director of the Early Childhood Center of the Children’s Evaluation and Rehabilitation Center. I had been disappointed thus far in the professional response to our problem, I found the doctors to be unhelpful in our crisis. But I was ill-prepared for “The Megalomaniac.” Dr Dubrovsky’s professional demeanor was nothing short of horrifying. With lip-smacking glee did she welcome this opportunity for narcissistic preening and self-aggrandizement. Anne-Marie’s diagnosis was a convenient topos through which she could draw the truly dramatic and important themes: Dr Brokovsky’s expertise, her professional renown, her singular gift for diagnosis, her unchallenged authority.
All this wanker had to offer was group-therapy for the parents to help them deal with their feelings about their Autistic children. No help for the afflicted child was mentioned.
I do not need counseling! Everyone wants to council me! I need help for my daughter! I was becoming truly frantic.
For the first time since Anne-Marie’s diagnosis, I felt something taking root in me that was more powerful than grief or fear. That something was rage! I did not know what I was going to do, or who would help us. But I knew for certain that therapeutic nurseries, play therapy sessions, parent workshops, and psychological counseling on stress management were not the answers.
The fury that was welling up in me over Dr Dubrovsky’s bullying had one salutary effect: it allowed me to shake off all the “helpers”, the suffocating “experts”, the “authorities” who had built their careers and their egos around the hopelessness of Autism and the helplessness of parents. They counseled a resigned acceptance of a disorder that was stealing my daughter away; they pretended “understanding” [expressed as hand-patting patronization] of a condition who’s cause and nature they had not the foggiest clue. The “help” they offered was nothing short of a death-knell for Anne-Marie.
Autism had given many people an awful lot of business for a very long time. I was not buying.
My main experience with these “professional” “experts” was the Adult Asperger’s Association in Tucson AZ, wherein Dr Barbara Roberts (her real name) sat waggling her head with her snoot in the air and her eyes closed like a 12-year-old girl who needed to be slapped, saying in a snotty tone thet she was the foremost expert on Aspergers Syndrome, while offering nothing what-so-ever to her manipulated cult of lost Aspies in perpetual anxiety. All this abusive co-addict had to offer was a safe place for cripples and Retards to wallow in it, which is exactly what they were and did. Every time I tried to talk about my 3 symptoms I had alleviated (and how) and the other 2 I was working on (and how), she would panic and cut me off with a belligerent dismissiveness. I was so disgusted. I was a threat to her scam to keep the victims trapped and dependent on her and her snotty narcissism.
So I quit going there, and started attending meetings of another group called PASS: Parents Autism Service and Support (also in Tucson). It consisted of 4 moms who had Autistic kids in the Tucson public schools.
I was delighted to be able to give them my adult perspective of what it had been like for me to be an Autistic child in public school, but they were outright hostile toward me, repeatedly giving me belligerence, interrupting me every time I talked with “Asperger with the accent on the ass!” said in a sneering spite as I sat there like a deer in headlights wondering what the hell was going on. It became clear this was a place only for women with Munchausen Syndrome who wanted to circle-jerk their martyr-mom delusions, while expressing overt hostility toward any man who tried to invade their victim-feminist cult.
Ofer Krysake - I just wanted to help!
The director (a woman teacher who had an Autistic child in the school she taught at) of the group was still delighted to have me, and asked if she could advertise thet I was part of the group. I was excited by this, and so she did.
The next 2 meetings no one but me and the director showed up. The director also became disgusted with these stupid cunts and disbanded the group.
Then there was TAFA Center, a State-run entity (also in Tucson). It was wonderful. Every Monday night they would have a different lecture about the latest treatments. It was all very educational and inspiring.
Unfortunately there was this one woman who would always attend. She had 3 Autistic kids and thus the most extreme case of Munchausen Syndrome I have ever seen. She would interrupt every lecture to theatrically proclaim how and why she understood every aspect of whatever subject was being presented. She believed herself to be the world’s greatest Martyr Mom! One lecture she interrupted 4 times, to steal the spotlight for her flailing Martyr act. Someone finally yelled at her to shut up and quit interrupting. Her response was to say thet she did not think they had three (Count them - Three!) Autistic kids like her, the Super-Martyr. It took all my strength not to roar at her to get the fuck out! Lunatic.
Then TAFA set up an official diagnosis committee, to help anyone get it official. So I gave them a copy of my zine, My Life As an Indigo. In it I present all the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers Syndrome and explained in detail which symptoms I have (90% of them) and how they affect me. This is all they need to give me an official diagnosis. But they were so intimidated by (the literary genius of) my zine, they gave it back to me, with a saw-a-ghost look on their face, and said they refuse to give me a diagnosis or even meet with me. I knew so much more than they did. I was “over-qualified” to even get a diagnosis! Idiots. They were so intimidated by me, when all I ever wanted to do is help.
After that I started using the term “The Autism Fad” to describe the games played by people like this who just want to cash in on something they know relatively little about.
So Catherine takes Anne-Marie to a dozen doctors, and all of them state thet Autistics never recover, it is utterly hopeless to try (but, “Let me prescribe a mountain of psychiatric drugs for you, to make your life easier.”).
Next they come upon the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. From there they ordered books and video tapes of “Autism Therapy” sessions, in which somber wooden children mindlessly obeyed commands under threat of a slap if they did not.
Then came the inevitable Bettelheimism: “Psychological Trauma caused by Catherine, the unfit Refrigerator Mother, had pushed Anne-Marie over the edge into madness.”
Then the book The Siege (see my review) enabled me, for the first time, to believe that I had some control, that I was not completely helpless.
I wrote some statements in my journal, the first draft of a battle plan: “She will not sit in the corner. She will not play with string. She will not not look at me. She will not be mute. She will be dragged kicking and screaming into the human condition.”
I interviewed 3 Speech Therapists, each complete with degrees from respected Universities. They had no idea what to do with Anne-Marie.
“I have never worked with an Autistic child before”, said one apologetically. I felt sorry for her. She turned to look at me before she left. Her eyes were full of tears. “I just want to wish you good luck”, she blurted out, then left.
Speech and Language Pathologists are trained to help alleviate problems of both speech (the physical production of articulate sounds) and language (the communication of information and ideas).
I think I understand something about Holding Therapy. They posit that failure to bond causes Autistic withdrawal - and they are partly correct. They are only wrong in blaming the mother. But failure to bond is not the mother’s fault, it is the primary symptom of Autism. It’s source is neurobiological; the child is born with that deficit, and the other Autistic symptoms follow from that; i.e., failed bonding is a symptom of Autism, not the cause.
An alternate perspective on this is as follows:
I was always girl-crazy. I fell in love 7 times with whatever chick happened to be on hand (because I was desperate and she was there). None of them were ever my girlfriend. Thus, my “failure to bond” (in this case romantically) was never my fault (at least on the emotional level). I was so eager to dive in head first and connect with someone (anyone) in some (or any) way.
I am now 53 years old and recognize I have, for all my life, definitely “failed to bond” with anyone. I can guess it is the typical Autistic (and Asperger specifically) problem of scaring away potential mates with my emotional intensity, which is apparently their fault, for as far as I can tell all Normals are simply afraid of intimacy.
My only response is to hate them. Not as a defense-mechanism, but out of sheer disappointment. Morons.
I have an excellent example thet just happened today:
At my day-job, the office girl I was talking to (alone) about our job's paper-work asked about me moving to another State, which I intend to do in another week or so, resulting in me leaving this job.
I mentioned thet I had been in this town long enough for it to feel like home, thus I felt lonely and sad having to leave, but at the same time excited about the move to someplace new; and dealing with this contradiction of feelings was more of a problem for me than either emotion individually.
Being a Normal (read: pervert) she assumed me mentioning thet I was lonely was me hitting on her (asking for a sympathy fuck), which made her notably uncomfortable.
I hate the Normals. I dismissed her typical female sexual neurosis about “If any man speaks to me at all that proves he wants to fuck (poor) me.” I dismissed the idiot the way I routinely dismiss all Normals, and said, "The trick to life is to be forever on your quest for the alternate perspective, thus any move is good."
She apparently assumed thet my term “quest for the alternate perspective” meant I was forever on the prowl for new pussy, specifically hers. This again made (pervert) her uncomfortable.
I again dismissed her typical female neurosis, and said “If you stay in the same place too long you become stagnant and become a hick. I need to get out of here.”
Another person had by then entered the room, and volunteered to play the victim, stating thet since she had lived here for 55 years, she guessed that meant I was calling her a hick (the poor thing).
Ofer Krysake. I hate the Normals. They come to every interaction with a pre-conceived notion about what my intentions are, and project that (sexual or abusive or both) onto innocent me. Whereas I come to every interaction as a deer in headlights, with no preconceived notions about anything at all! Thus when they ask me how I felt about my move, I told them! As a matter fact, I feel lonely and sad having to leave a place thet feels like home (read: I WANT TO FUCK YOU!). And
I have been here long enough to stagnate and feel like a hick, thus explaining why I am moving (read: I AM ABUSIVELY CALLING YOU A HICK!).
This explains why I have the “Autism Symptom” of “failure to bond.” It is the Normals who fail to bond with me. It is always their fault.
I was trying to engage Normals in a friendly conversation (concerning a subject they brought up and asked me about specifically). But because they have their Neurotypical failure to bond, they intentionally sabotage what I thought was a friendly conversation, freezing me out.
How can I not see it this way? Even if I do have a ham-handed conversational style, spilling my guts to startled strangers, it is their fault for asking me a question and then choosing to invent crazy reasons to be fearful or offended when I answer.
Failure to bond is a symptom of Autism, not the cause. Okay. But as far as I can tell, it is entirely the fault of the Normals and their Paranoid Schizophrenia, Persecution Complexes, and Sexual Neuroses!
They do not communicate in words like me. Instead they ask stupid questions about irrelevant crap, expecting me to respond with a blithering gibberish response while miming out what they actually wanted to see.
I understand this, but I still cannot help but assume they are all a bunch of retarded morons. My Autistic Failure to Bond is their fault.
Back to the book:
All of us, Bridget in behavioral drills, Robin through her vibrant persuit of Anne-Marie, I in the Holding Therapy sessions, Marc when he was home for the weekends, began demanding her gaze. Since she did not acknowledge our comings and goings, we went over, knelt on the floor within her field of vision, and, hands cupping her face, 12 inches from her eyes, forced her to notice us:
“Hi Anne-Marie, I am back.”
“Anne-Marie, Daddy is going.”
“Anne-Marie, look: Daniel is home.”
“Patsy is here.”
“Bridget is leaving.”
“Robin is at the door.”
We would not desist until there was some spark, some acknowledgement, however fleeting, that someone was talking to her.
It was her gaze that came back first. She began to wake up to us and the world.
We were mounting, each in a different way, an invasion of Anne-Marie’s world, a forcible disruption of her self-imposed isolation. I permitted her no quarter during the day. I was “on her case” constantly, bothering her, not letting her be. I adopted a tyrannical stance.
As we walked into the store, the woman behind the counter came forward to greet us. “Oh what a cutie!”, she said. “Hello, little girl.”
Anne-Marie smiled shyly, tucking her head into my neck but continuing to gaze at the woman.
“She is looking at you! She is smiling!” I cried.
The woman looked at me oddly.
“Of course she is smiling. So, why shouldn’t she smile?” she asked with a Brooklynesque incredulity. Probably she was thinking: These Yuppie mothers! They are so pathologically competitive about everything, they even keep tabs on how often their toddlers smile!
I do a Holding in the morning. Anne-Marie is then in a heightened state of responsiveness. Then we give her to Bridget, who fills up that attentiveness with a structured curriculum and nonstop teaching.
Meanwhile:
The parents all sat around chatting about their children. I listened with interest, then with growing dismay. All the mothers were telling stories of how they had failed their children. They were responsible, they knew it, and were most eager to talk about it. Oh, it was not their fault of course, but they had done some things inadvertently that resulted in their child’s going from normal to Autistic. The fathers who were there concurred readily in everything the women said.
“I was depressed and did not even know it until I met Dr Welch.”
"I stopped nursing when she was only 1 year old.”
“I never put my daughter in a Snuggli, the way I had with my first child.”
“I went on a trip, and when I returned she was gone … just gone.”
“I was so busy with our move, I could not give him enough attention.”
I could not take much more of this. “Failed bonding is a symptom of Autism, not the cause! The fault is not in us, it is in our kids. It is in their damaged nervous system!”
Blank stares greeted me.
It was time for the Group Holding to begin. All the parents seemed to know what to do.
And then commenced the screaming and a shouting and crying such as I have never witnessed. Across from me a mother of a 16-year-old was screaming: “One incident and you decide to withdraw forever? You ruined our lives!”
Another couple sat with a newborn in the father’s arms, a 3-year-old in the mother’s arms: “Look at me!” screamed the mother. “Look at her!” roared the father. The child writhed and sobbed. The newborn started to scream as well.
“You think you are the only one who should get attention?” shouted a mother to her sobbing daughter. “What about everyone else? What about our needs?”
Dr Welch moved among us, calm and serene, smiling and encouraging us. Her constant exhortation was to express to our child our deepest feelings about him or her – to “let out the rage and the hurt”, only then could true bonding take place.
Before my relationship with Dr Welch ended, I was to understand what it might be like to be seduced and drawn into a cult.
Another perspective is thet all self-abusing Stims are “misdirected aggression” the child feels toward the parents, but dare not express – thus it is considered healthy for the child to punch themselves in the head as a way of venting the rage they feel toward the evil parents; “evil” defined as Mom and Dad having a conversation with each other over the frustration they feel in having a Special child, within the child’s ear-shot. If the child hears this, their poor little egos will be crushed, resulting in them stimming themselves black and blue; all the fault of “evil” parents.
“The mother has her human shortcomings, her little failings and imperfections, which, alas, send her child into a state of catatonic terror.”
The psychiatrist had ordered her to bring her child in for “analysis” 5 days a week. The mother was not allowed to sit in the waiting-room, so incensed with her was the doctor’s staff. The nurses and receptionist informed her that she could drop off the child at the door and wait for her outside. They never looked at the mother, and refused to say hello or goodbye. She had caused this terrible condition in her child, and she merited no human courtesy. Many a day she had stood there, in rain or shine, weeping.
Bettelheim declared thet Behavior Modification Therapies were nothing more than the reduction of the child to Pavlov’s dogs.
It was suggested thet these therapies were the equivalent of electric shock torture, and if a psychiatrist were simply able to repair the emotional damage, the child would automatically adopt normal behavior.
The entire medical profession mindlessly believed this crap. And in France today the medical profession still believes Autism is a Mental Illness!
Not mentioned in this book is another example, Dr John Money, the nut-bag who “determined” thet if you cut a boy’s penis off he will “become” a perfectly normal girl. To this day, if a boy is born (in the USA) with an unusually small penis, doctors will routinely cut it off and honestly convince themselves thet this “girl” will be fine and happy with the result.
This devolved into the routine practice of clitoridectomizing hermaphrodites. If a girl’s clitoris is deemed “too big” by Dr Mengele, he chops it off! This now takes place 2,000 times a year in the USA.
Catherine goes back to telling of her first pregnancy which had resulted in a stillbirth, to which her friends, in anxiety, cheerily said “Do not worry, you can always have another”, then quickly changed the subject, refusing to place themselves in a position of empathy.
Then Catherine broke her foot, to which she received 10 times more co-miserating sympathy.
The same can be said about Autism: see my review of the movie A Day In the Death of Joe Egg, wherein their “friend” nearly died of anxiety at the thought of even seeing their Special child; she did not empathize with the parents of a Special child, and panicked at the thought of even trying.
One day I am walking down the street with a big belly, greeting all the neighborhood, friends, and even shopkeepers. A week later I walk around with no belly, no baby, and no one says a word. There is a “polite” turning away of eyes.
The need to give voice to my shattered heart became overwhelming. This happened. It was real. And it hurt. Please do not make me pretend nothing happened. (See my Lecture on The Grieving Process, and my review of the book The Uncharted Path).
Back with Anne-Marie:
The word “butter” came up.
“Ba-wa”, she repeated.
“Butter”, I corrected.
“Ba-wa”, she persisted.
“But-ter”, I insisted.
“Ba-wa!” she yelled. The message was clear. All right already Mom! I am saying it the way I hear it!
The point being thet what seems to be a speech disorder may actually be an Audio Processing Disorder. As with (some cases of) Stuttering, if the stutterer cannot hear their own voice, they stop stuttering; the point being thet in these cases, Stuttering may not be a speech disorder.
Anne-Marie’s Speech Therapy was useless because she did not have a speech disorder, she had a hearing disorder.
Daniel (Anne-Marie’s older, Normal sibling) was a co-therapist of great commitment. He did not consider that there was anything wrong with his sister. He was not mortally wounded by her lack of spontaneity or interest. If she did not look at him, he yelled louder. Always an exuberant, demanding, happy, excitable child, he was hell-bent on getting his sister’s attention, just as he got everyone else’s. “Anne-Marie! Come here! Hold this!” He was always making something with Legos, or wooden blocks, or paper and glue. He wanted a playmate or a helper or sometimes just an audience, and he had no compunction at all about forcing his sister’s involvement. “Look at me!” he would command her, apparently in imitation of all of us adults constantly asking for Anne-Marie’s gaze. “Anne-Marie! Look!”
Does she mind this tyrannical bossing around? She seemed to love it. She became inseparable from Daniel, more and more interested in his projects and his play.
Anne-Marie’s echoing rapidly grew obsessive; she echoed approximately 90% of what she heard, entranced by the sound of words, irrespective of what they meant.
Catherine tells a story thet reiterates what we know: If you have met one Autistic, you have met one Autistic; her example being thet Anne-Marie was very fearful of any person who looked out of the ordinary. She assumed this meant all Autistics would be afraid of such things, or at least have some peculiar fear or phobia. Then she met several other Autistics and their parents, who stared blankly and said, “What fears?” Their children were usually oblivious, and never showed any fear at all.
Anne-Marie makes “startling progress” due entirely to her Lovaas Therapies. In 8-months of therapy, she evolved 10 –16 months in every area thet needed improvement.
She is still Autistic, but, I do not know what the future holds, but the present is fine.
She was completely co-operative. Resistant crying was no longer a problem. She had never been prone to violent tantrums. Nor did I think her receptive language was seriously behind the norm any longer. She understood everything the teachers said when it was addressed specifically to her. But she still needed help in focusing on people. Lack of spontaneity and initiative was still an issue as well.
Future treatment should include:
- Work on simple reciprocal conversation; teacher says “I am wearing blue pants”, then prompts Anne-Marie to say “I am wearing red pants.”
- Work on fine motor co-ordination such as using scissors.
- Identifying emotions expressed in pictures.
- Identifying the functions of assorted household rooms.
- Expressing her likes and dislikes.
- Completing sentances with conjunctions, articles, correct subject pronouns, etc.
- Model and assist her to tell longer stories about pictures.
- Concepts of singular and plural, opposites, past and present.
- Model and assist her in the use of “before” and “after” in a sentence,
- Assist her in talking about things and events not immediately present.
- Set up a situation wherein two people are talking in simple sentances, and then ask her “What were we talking about?”
I had never been taught any of this myself. The public school system, at least when I was in it (60s–70s) had no such “schooling”, even for the Normal kids, and showed outright depraved indifference, if not overt hostility, toward the Special ones – namely, me.
I would like to go through all of Elementary school again (as a Anthropologist), to see what it is like today, which of course should include 40 hours a week of Lovaas, for all kids.
Everything that had been festering for the past year; all the frustration and anger generated by the scenes I had witnessed at the Mothering Center, the sanctimonious nonsense of the Tinbergen and Bettelheim books, the constant attacks against behavioral therapy, the "therapeutic" nurseries that offered little more than custodial care, it was all coming together for me in an almost unbearable way. There were nights when I could not sleep, going over and over all the idiocy rampant about Autism, torn apart by my own participation in that idiocy. A sense of utter futility almost paralyzed me. The nonsense would go on forever, no matter what data were published, no matter how many scientific studies came out. The sensational and simple would always prevail over the complicated truth. How naïve and stupid I had been not to have fully understood the egotism, the power at play in the world of Autism. Who gets to be the Savior? Who gets the most media attention for being a Savior? The stakes are high in this game. And who cares about objective truth?
Of course, I was overjoyed that we were pulling Anne-Marie out of Autism. But all around me, as I grew to know more and more families, I saw young Autistic children sinking through the cracks as their parents were encouraged to spend months, years, in unproven therapeutic programs. There were moments I was sick with remorse and fury at having been so taken in, so stupid.
Meanwhile: She had taken over much of the learning herself; we had only to keep things interesting and challenging for her. She was no longer being dragged along crying. Our place was more behind her, pushing a little here, prodding there, giving her a nudge sometimes.
This is wonderful, thet they discovered on their own the techniques outlined in the Linwood Method (see my review of the book The Hidden Child), wherein the Method is to follow the child into their own education instead of leading or pushing them.
And Daniel was Anne-Marie’s constant playmate.
She describes the difference between Speech Delay, and Speech Disorder: Delay is when the child seems perfectly normal but is simply “a late bloomer”, whereas a Disorder is when there is obviously some processing or mechanical difficulties.
The reason the therapist is called a Speech and Language Pathologist is because speech and language are 2 different things; Speech is the mechanical function of pronouncing words. Language is the brain’s ability to process the meaning of words.
It may be thet some Autistics, even those who are totally non-verbal, do not have a Speech Disorder; i.e., their mouths work fine, it is instead a Language Disorder, wherein their brain’s processor cannot translate the (picture) thoughts into words.
The story ends with the therapists writing out their final documentation on Anne-Marie, wherein they say she has recovered miraculously, but still has some “residua.”
We thought of those residua, if such they may be called, were fairly accurate descriptions of things Anne-Marie still did, but we were not worried about them. Her prosody was already improving; her dreaminess has been diminishing for a year and a half, and would probably continue to do so; any repetitive phrases in her language were far outnumbered by the spontaneous and original expressions she was using every day. Time would take care of it all. Essentially, our daughter was a normal child.
Part 2:
Their third child develops Autism. As opposed to Anne-Marie’s dull obliviousness, Michel was 1 endless rage-attack. Emotionally they are kicked in the gut, of course. But, this time they know what to do, and so they get on with it. He recovers miraculously.
In the process she tells more about the “medical profession” (snicker) and how utterly useless it is; how seeking a diagnosis from a dozen “doctors” will result in you getting a dozen different (wrong) diagnoses. All of which end with Dr Frankenstein Mengele stating thet there is nothing you can do about it, give up and “embrace universal hopelessness” (her words).
This part of the book also sums up the assorted “treatments” they were presented with throughout both kids’ recovery, including the Bettelheim bullshit thet was still in existence in 1993 when this book was published; i.e., “Therapists” believed thet Autism was caused by abusive parents, and only if the therapist (read: egomaniacal self-proclaimed Saint) allows the child to be whatever monster they want to be, only then will their damaged soul recover – the point being thet if you ever say No to a child, you will crush their brat ego, resulting in Autism. The “therapy” consisted of jumping to kiss the child’s ass in advance, making sure their every desire is fulfilled without them having to ask, thus giving them “love” they never had in Hell-I-mean at home. This included allowing the Autistic child to spin non-stop all day, for “that is their only way of communicating”, which the evil parents had obviously never allowed them to do before – the poor little victim.
The other extreme was “Behavior Therapy”, the point being thet the “therapist” believes Autism is a behavior problem. Thus the child is having an Autistic meltdown because you have “spared the rod” too much. Catherine explains: He believes that physical punishment is “the only way he will learn.” Mostly because he himself knows no other way to teach.
I can exemplify this with the parent who tries to make a “good kid” by “Putting the Fear of God into them.” I can ask why they do not instead put the Love of God into them.
Catherine makes the point herself thet she believes it is never okay to spank a child; referring to corporal punishment as “Victorian”.
Aspie Lecture time:
I want to point out the misinterpretation of the Biblical quote, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” The Biblical “Rod” is not a spanking stick! It is a shepherd’s staff. The Shepherd taps the sheep with the stick to direct them in the right direction. If one runs astray, the shepherd takes the crook end of the staff, grabbing the sheep around the neck and pulling it back into the fold. Nowhere in that scenario does the shepherd beat the sheep! This is what is meant when the Bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” You are not being told to spank your child, you are being told to be a good shepherd, giving them constant guidance.
Not to say thet a trip to the woodshed for an attitude adjustment is not sometimes necessary, but Catherine’s point is thet some morons (who actually call themselves “Therapists”) think Autism is caused by a spanking deficiency!
Another example is “Child Psychology”: All those distraught parents who wonder, “Why oh why is Suzie hitting her baby brother so much? What did we do wrong? We prepared her for the birth. We took her to ‘Birth of a Sibling’ classes. We encouraged her to express her feelings of jealousy and rage, over an over again. We understood, we sympathized. We gave her lots of love and attention whenever she struck out at baby. And she still keeps doing it!” No shit, Sherlock!
Compare this to what was said in (my review of) the book The Hidden Child, about the Linwood method of teaching Autistic kids. They follow the child into their education, rather than pushing or even leading them, but it is absolutely not this Bettelheim BS nor the Child Psychology BS. The kids are eventually made to stop their bad behavior, but in a following them into good behavior way, as a good shepherd tapping them with the staff in the right direction.
Catherine concludes thet intentionally withholding her children’s records from whatever new school they were attending did a lot of good. With no pre-conceived notions for the teachers to base an opinion on, their kids were treated as normal from the start, which was better than the “special classes” they would have been put in based on their now obsolete past.
See Georgiana Stehli in (my review of) the book Sound of a Miracle, wherein her school records were lost in a ship-sinking, thus her new school knew nothing of her Autistic past (and Mom let them remain ignorant), and so they treated her as Normal, even though she was not, which helped her adjust to normal school better than if the school had known her past and thus had made accommodations for her as “Special”.
I have never seen my own school records, but I am sure they were probably detrimental to my development, and a major part of why all teachers hated me, knowing in advance I would be a “special case”, treated me like an idiot (when I was actually the smartest kid in class), and intentionally withheld education from me - they apparently thought I was mentally ill or emotionally disturbed or at least Retarded, when my main problem was a visual processing disorder! They would read whatever bullshit the previous incompetent moron teachers had written (none of them had a clue I was Autistic) and thus came up with a totally inaccurate pre-conceived notion about me, which I was never let in on
Here is another example: Downs Syndrome kids always have the same facial malformity which makes them appear "mongoloid". Give these children cosmetic surgery early so their faces appear normal. This can be very beneficial for them, for it prevents people from making the assumption they are Retarded. They see a normal looking child, and thus treat them as if they were normal. This can be more helpful for the child than starting them out with "Special Treatment." The child left "mongoloid" knows they are being treated like a Retard (in advance) because of their looks, not because they have Downs Syndrome.
So Catherine’s therapy of choice becomes Lovaas Behavioral Therapy again, as described in the Ivar Lovaas’ The Me Book. She raves about how it alone positively recovered both her kids from Autism.
I have not yet read that book, but though I believe it did in fact recover her kids, I definitely differ with it (based on Catherine’s descriptions) on this 1 point: They mainly teach the kids how to act normal while doing nothing to address the cause of their abnormality, which is intestinal damage done by vaccines and antibiotics, and/or sensory processing disorders. They continue to feed kids Gluten while making them maintain eye-contact, and feed them Casein while making them stay focused. Also I am adamantly opposed to them forcing a kid to stop Stimming. The sensory overload is what makes them Stim to calm themselves. Forcing them to tolerate over-stimulation while making them stop the Stimming necessary to alleviate the oncoming meltdown is abusive! Forcing them to act like they are not over-stimulated is flat wrong! And Catherine never mentions the GF/CF Diet, Irlen Lenses, nor AIT.
But, in the case of her kids, Lovaas Therapy did work miracles.
She tells of how they sued-I-mean-appealed the decision of their weasel insurance company, forcing them to pay for Lovaas Therapy; the paperwork necessary for you to do the same is available through the Autism Research Institute.
She also tells of how she sued-I-mean-appealed the decision of their weasel school system, forcing them to obey the law and actually teach her Special kids. The paperwork necessary for you to do this is available through the Children’s Defense Fund.
The Afterward of the book is written by Ivar Lovaas himself: “Catherine Maurice presents the clearest description I have read of the abnormal development of Autistic children and the problems one encounters in seeking treatment for Autism.”
She ends the book with a Diagnosis Appendix, wherein she tells of the assorted combinations of scientific mumbo-jumbo-I-mean-words Doctors Frankenstein and Mengele jumble together to concoct absurd diagnoses with, thus supposedly making themselves look intelligent when they actually have no clue.
She also crucifies the useless DSM III-R, the only diagnostic manual available to Medical Science at the time this book was published, in 1993.
She also gives elaborate descriptions of the terminology used with Lovaas Therapy, and raves about Dr Lovaas’ The Me Book, which can be used to help set up your own home therapy program.
She lists 5 other contacts to help you with the therapy, including where to find certified trainers who can teach you how to become a Lovaas Therapist.
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A family’s triumph over Autism
by Catherine Maurice
Part 1:
The Forward is written by Bernard Rimland, wherein he says, “Her insightful dissection of the assumptions and presumptions of the psychoanalysts brings to light new and valid criticisms of that futile and archaic approach to therapy. Her brilliant analysis and expose´ of the therapeutic field should be required reading for parents and professionals alike.
I learned thet Behavior Modification might be helpful to Autistic children, and so I visited Ivar Lovaas. ‘It is amazing’ he told me. ‘All these years we have known how well it worked for Helen Keller, but no one thought to try it on Autistic children.’
The reason Behavior Modification had not previously been used was simple: The overwhelmingly dominant dogma held that Autistic children were biologically normal youngsters who had withdrawn from human contact because of supposed psychological mishandling by their ‘Refrigerator Mothers.’ The only 2 treatments were Psychotherapy and Drugs.
As an ardent early proponent of Behavior Modification, I was frequently asked, ‘Since you believe Autism is a biological disorder, how can you advocate a behavioral approach as an effective treatment?’ My response was simple: Behavioral modification did not restore sight and hearing to Helen Keller, her biological handicaps remained with her, but it did permit her to learn the skills she needed to adapt to her environment.
Autism is a biological disorder. Almost half of all Autistics improve in numerous ways when given large amounts of vitamin B6 and Magnesium.
If you want to help Autistic children, discard your biases and preconceptions. Find what worked for others, and give these approaches a wholehearted try. You will reap rich rewards in throwing aside dogmatism in favor of pragmatism.” (See my How To Recover page).
Catherine suffered a still-birth followed by 3 miscarriages. She eventually had 3 kids, 2 Autistic.
Autism, I read, was a Syndrome of early childhood characterized by extreme aloneness (lack of attachment, failure to cuddle, avoidance of eye-contact); insistence on sameness (rituals, resistance to change, morbid attachment to familiar objects, repetitive acts); disordered speech and language (which vary from total muteness, through delayed onset of speech, to idiosyncratic use of language); and markedly uneven intellectual performance (i.e., outright Genius at one subject, total Retard at another).
No more was said. No suggestion as to what could have caused it, nor how to cure it, nor even treat it.
Her first child, Anne-Marie, was non-verbal. She took her to a Speech Therapist who wrote up a report, but refused to share it. Instead it was sent only to Anne-Marie’s Pediatrician who would then, after his (knowing nothing about Autism) personal interpretation, be the one to decide what Catherine had the right to know.
The only resulting recommendation from all the “professional” “experts” was useless Play Therapy!
She had almost no non-verbal communication: no smile, no nod, no head-shake, no gesturing or shrugging or mimicking of facial expressions. If she wanted something, she would take the nearest adult’s hand by the back of the wrist, never looking up, and shove it at the desired item. But she still did not fit exactly the definition of the Syndrome. She does not rock, scream or flinch when you touch her, spin things, nor line things up.
Catherine’s only option was to put Anne-Marie in a “Special Nursery”, where 1 woman took Catherine into a side room to ask her many questions about how she was coping, while another woman Psychiatrist sat and watched Anne-Marie from a distance, and another woman “teacher” followed Anne-Marie around trying to get her to play with her.
Again I tried to determine exactly what went on in this Nursery. Was there a special curriculum for Autistic children? How much one-on-one instruction did they get? Were there defined goals for each individual child? What exactly did they hope to achieve here? What did they offer that she could not get at home? What did their combined degrees of PhD, MD, MSW, and MS represent for Anne-Marie?
The response was mystifying and disappointing. They seemed to be promising a few hours a week of “acceptance”, accompanied by mounds of paper-work, periodic “conferences” where any “progress” would be “re-evaluated”. I thanked them for their time, and left.
Meanwhile: She no longer even looked up at anyone coming or leaving. She would stare at a piece of dust, then slowly bring it up in front of her eyes and gaze at it, enthralled. She pulled little pieces of string off the rugs she would twirl between her fingers, endlessly fascinated. She seemed mesmerized by the combination of sight and sound, tapping 2 objects rhythmically in front of her face. Her activities were becoming stranger, more bizarre. I watched her, close to panic, as she repetitively sorted through puzzle pieces, held them up 2 by 2, always at right angles to each other, and just stared at them. Oh please baby. Please don’t do that. Why are you doing that? I gave her a teddy bear hoping she might cuddle it the way a normal child would. Instead, she developed a strange ritual of pushing it through the bottom rungs of a chair, over and over. She toe-walked almost exclusively. Seated on the floor staring dreamily into space, she extended her neck, held the position and ground her teeth. I was finding it hard not to cry out. The sense of helplessness was overwhelming. Without any preamble of anger or frustration, she raised both of her hands and calmly struck her face.
I would come dangerously close to lashing out. I would feel a knot of fury begin in my chest, then travel outward until my jaw, neck, and throat muscles had become iron bands. I felt the anger and it was eating me up.
How acutely I felt I was failing. I was confronting some terrible inadequacy in fulfilling that motherly role. I could barely meet the needs of my healthy children. I was completely helpless before my afflicted one.
My fitful sleep was punctuated by nightmares of Anne-Marie in a dark wood, left alone in a house, forgotten in a car. I dreamed we were all at the beach, playing in the surf. I had a growing sense of dread since I knew I had to hold onto the 3 children or the current would take them. Daniel was clinging to my leg, I had the baby in 1 arm, while with the other I held Anne-Marie’s hand. Suddenly she slipped, and she was under the water. I could not find her. I was grasping and screaming.
I would go in to check on her and find her eyes wide open at 2:00 in the morning, silent, staring straight ahead.
I sat down on the floor with my back to the wall. “That is not Anne-Marie”, I whispered. “I do not have to love her anymore because that is not Anne-Marie.”
At this point, the “Faerie Changeling” scenario starts to sound logical.
More and more we read books. Some of the material consisted of anecdotal accounts of living with an Autistic child. The rest could be divided into 2 major categories: The “coping” books, and the “descriptive” books. The coping books basically let you know what to expect, and gave suggestions for “handling self-injurious behavior.” I wanted to know how to blast it out of existence. I did not want to know about group homes and respite care; I wanted to know how to keep her close to me, safe and beloved. The message of these books was clear: This is what is going to happen; here is how to adjust. One of the books was titled Autism: Nightmare Without End.
We became more “expert” in Autism, yet paradoxically grew more helpless. We learned a lot of terminology for Anne-Marie’s behaviors, but no one could tell us what to do about them. I was getting to the point where I would pick up a book, read the introduction and table of contents, then toss it into a growing “useless” pile. So many monuments to hopelessness.
So they start meeting with “Doctors”. I was told Dr Dubrovsky was the one I needed to see. She was the director of the Early Childhood Center of the Children’s Evaluation and Rehabilitation Center. I had been disappointed thus far in the professional response to our problem, I found the doctors to be unhelpful in our crisis. But I was ill-prepared for “The Megalomaniac.” Dr Dubrovsky’s professional demeanor was nothing short of horrifying. With lip-smacking glee did she welcome this opportunity for narcissistic preening and self-aggrandizement. Anne-Marie’s diagnosis was a convenient topos through which she could draw the truly dramatic and important themes: Dr Brokovsky’s expertise, her professional renown, her singular gift for diagnosis, her unchallenged authority.
All this wanker had to offer was group-therapy for the parents to help them deal with their feelings about their Autistic children. No help for the afflicted child was mentioned.
I do not need counseling! Everyone wants to council me! I need help for my daughter! I was becoming truly frantic.
For the first time since Anne-Marie’s diagnosis, I felt something taking root in me that was more powerful than grief or fear. That something was rage! I did not know what I was going to do, or who would help us. But I knew for certain that therapeutic nurseries, play therapy sessions, parent workshops, and psychological counseling on stress management were not the answers.
The fury that was welling up in me over Dr Dubrovsky’s bullying had one salutary effect: it allowed me to shake off all the “helpers”, the suffocating “experts”, the “authorities” who had built their careers and their egos around the hopelessness of Autism and the helplessness of parents. They counseled a resigned acceptance of a disorder that was stealing my daughter away; they pretended “understanding” [expressed as hand-patting patronization] of a condition who’s cause and nature they had not the foggiest clue. The “help” they offered was nothing short of a death-knell for Anne-Marie.
Autism had given many people an awful lot of business for a very long time. I was not buying.
My main experience with these “professional” “experts” was the Adult Asperger’s Association in Tucson AZ, wherein Dr Barbara Roberts (her real name) sat waggling her head with her snoot in the air and her eyes closed like a 12-year-old girl who needed to be slapped, saying in a snotty tone thet she was the foremost expert on Aspergers Syndrome, while offering nothing what-so-ever to her manipulated cult of lost Aspies in perpetual anxiety. All this abusive co-addict had to offer was a safe place for cripples and Retards to wallow in it, which is exactly what they were and did. Every time I tried to talk about my 3 symptoms I had alleviated (and how) and the other 2 I was working on (and how), she would panic and cut me off with a belligerent dismissiveness. I was so disgusted. I was a threat to her scam to keep the victims trapped and dependent on her and her snotty narcissism.
So I quit going there, and started attending meetings of another group called PASS: Parents Autism Service and Support (also in Tucson). It consisted of 4 moms who had Autistic kids in the Tucson public schools.
I was delighted to be able to give them my adult perspective of what it had been like for me to be an Autistic child in public school, but they were outright hostile toward me, repeatedly giving me belligerence, interrupting me every time I talked with “Asperger with the accent on the ass!” said in a sneering spite as I sat there like a deer in headlights wondering what the hell was going on. It became clear this was a place only for women with Munchausen Syndrome who wanted to circle-jerk their martyr-mom delusions, while expressing overt hostility toward any man who tried to invade their victim-feminist cult.
Ofer Krysake - I just wanted to help!
The director (a woman teacher who had an Autistic child in the school she taught at) of the group was still delighted to have me, and asked if she could advertise thet I was part of the group. I was excited by this, and so she did.
The next 2 meetings no one but me and the director showed up. The director also became disgusted with these stupid cunts and disbanded the group.
Then there was TAFA Center, a State-run entity (also in Tucson). It was wonderful. Every Monday night they would have a different lecture about the latest treatments. It was all very educational and inspiring.
Unfortunately there was this one woman who would always attend. She had 3 Autistic kids and thus the most extreme case of Munchausen Syndrome I have ever seen. She would interrupt every lecture to theatrically proclaim how and why she understood every aspect of whatever subject was being presented. She believed herself to be the world’s greatest Martyr Mom! One lecture she interrupted 4 times, to steal the spotlight for her flailing Martyr act. Someone finally yelled at her to shut up and quit interrupting. Her response was to say thet she did not think they had three (Count them - Three!) Autistic kids like her, the Super-Martyr. It took all my strength not to roar at her to get the fuck out! Lunatic.
Then TAFA set up an official diagnosis committee, to help anyone get it official. So I gave them a copy of my zine, My Life As an Indigo. In it I present all the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers Syndrome and explained in detail which symptoms I have (90% of them) and how they affect me. This is all they need to give me an official diagnosis. But they were so intimidated by (the literary genius of) my zine, they gave it back to me, with a saw-a-ghost look on their face, and said they refuse to give me a diagnosis or even meet with me. I knew so much more than they did. I was “over-qualified” to even get a diagnosis! Idiots. They were so intimidated by me, when all I ever wanted to do is help.
After that I started using the term “The Autism Fad” to describe the games played by people like this who just want to cash in on something they know relatively little about.
So Catherine takes Anne-Marie to a dozen doctors, and all of them state thet Autistics never recover, it is utterly hopeless to try (but, “Let me prescribe a mountain of psychiatric drugs for you, to make your life easier.”).
Next they come upon the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. From there they ordered books and video tapes of “Autism Therapy” sessions, in which somber wooden children mindlessly obeyed commands under threat of a slap if they did not.
Then came the inevitable Bettelheimism: “Psychological Trauma caused by Catherine, the unfit Refrigerator Mother, had pushed Anne-Marie over the edge into madness.”
Then the book The Siege (see my review) enabled me, for the first time, to believe that I had some control, that I was not completely helpless.
I wrote some statements in my journal, the first draft of a battle plan: “She will not sit in the corner. She will not play with string. She will not not look at me. She will not be mute. She will be dragged kicking and screaming into the human condition.”
I interviewed 3 Speech Therapists, each complete with degrees from respected Universities. They had no idea what to do with Anne-Marie.
“I have never worked with an Autistic child before”, said one apologetically. I felt sorry for her. She turned to look at me before she left. Her eyes were full of tears. “I just want to wish you good luck”, she blurted out, then left.
Speech and Language Pathologists are trained to help alleviate problems of both speech (the physical production of articulate sounds) and language (the communication of information and ideas).
I think I understand something about Holding Therapy. They posit that failure to bond causes Autistic withdrawal - and they are partly correct. They are only wrong in blaming the mother. But failure to bond is not the mother’s fault, it is the primary symptom of Autism. It’s source is neurobiological; the child is born with that deficit, and the other Autistic symptoms follow from that; i.e., failed bonding is a symptom of Autism, not the cause.
An alternate perspective on this is as follows:
I was always girl-crazy. I fell in love 7 times with whatever chick happened to be on hand (because I was desperate and she was there). None of them were ever my girlfriend. Thus, my “failure to bond” (in this case romantically) was never my fault (at least on the emotional level). I was so eager to dive in head first and connect with someone (anyone) in some (or any) way.
I am now 53 years old and recognize I have, for all my life, definitely “failed to bond” with anyone. I can guess it is the typical Autistic (and Asperger specifically) problem of scaring away potential mates with my emotional intensity, which is apparently their fault, for as far as I can tell all Normals are simply afraid of intimacy.
My only response is to hate them. Not as a defense-mechanism, but out of sheer disappointment. Morons.
I have an excellent example thet just happened today:
At my day-job, the office girl I was talking to (alone) about our job's paper-work asked about me moving to another State, which I intend to do in another week or so, resulting in me leaving this job.
I mentioned thet I had been in this town long enough for it to feel like home, thus I felt lonely and sad having to leave, but at the same time excited about the move to someplace new; and dealing with this contradiction of feelings was more of a problem for me than either emotion individually.
Being a Normal (read: pervert) she assumed me mentioning thet I was lonely was me hitting on her (asking for a sympathy fuck), which made her notably uncomfortable.
I hate the Normals. I dismissed her typical female sexual neurosis about “If any man speaks to me at all that proves he wants to fuck (poor) me.” I dismissed the idiot the way I routinely dismiss all Normals, and said, "The trick to life is to be forever on your quest for the alternate perspective, thus any move is good."
She apparently assumed thet my term “quest for the alternate perspective” meant I was forever on the prowl for new pussy, specifically hers. This again made (pervert) her uncomfortable.
I again dismissed her typical female neurosis, and said “If you stay in the same place too long you become stagnant and become a hick. I need to get out of here.”
Another person had by then entered the room, and volunteered to play the victim, stating thet since she had lived here for 55 years, she guessed that meant I was calling her a hick (the poor thing).
Ofer Krysake. I hate the Normals. They come to every interaction with a pre-conceived notion about what my intentions are, and project that (sexual or abusive or both) onto innocent me. Whereas I come to every interaction as a deer in headlights, with no preconceived notions about anything at all! Thus when they ask me how I felt about my move, I told them! As a matter fact, I feel lonely and sad having to leave a place thet feels like home (read: I WANT TO FUCK YOU!). And
I have been here long enough to stagnate and feel like a hick, thus explaining why I am moving (read: I AM ABUSIVELY CALLING YOU A HICK!).
This explains why I have the “Autism Symptom” of “failure to bond.” It is the Normals who fail to bond with me. It is always their fault.
I was trying to engage Normals in a friendly conversation (concerning a subject they brought up and asked me about specifically). But because they have their Neurotypical failure to bond, they intentionally sabotage what I thought was a friendly conversation, freezing me out.
How can I not see it this way? Even if I do have a ham-handed conversational style, spilling my guts to startled strangers, it is their fault for asking me a question and then choosing to invent crazy reasons to be fearful or offended when I answer.
Failure to bond is a symptom of Autism, not the cause. Okay. But as far as I can tell, it is entirely the fault of the Normals and their Paranoid Schizophrenia, Persecution Complexes, and Sexual Neuroses!
They do not communicate in words like me. Instead they ask stupid questions about irrelevant crap, expecting me to respond with a blithering gibberish response while miming out what they actually wanted to see.
I understand this, but I still cannot help but assume they are all a bunch of retarded morons. My Autistic Failure to Bond is their fault.
Back to the book:
All of us, Bridget in behavioral drills, Robin through her vibrant persuit of Anne-Marie, I in the Holding Therapy sessions, Marc when he was home for the weekends, began demanding her gaze. Since she did not acknowledge our comings and goings, we went over, knelt on the floor within her field of vision, and, hands cupping her face, 12 inches from her eyes, forced her to notice us:
“Hi Anne-Marie, I am back.”
“Anne-Marie, Daddy is going.”
“Anne-Marie, look: Daniel is home.”
“Patsy is here.”
“Bridget is leaving.”
“Robin is at the door.”
We would not desist until there was some spark, some acknowledgement, however fleeting, that someone was talking to her.
It was her gaze that came back first. She began to wake up to us and the world.
We were mounting, each in a different way, an invasion of Anne-Marie’s world, a forcible disruption of her self-imposed isolation. I permitted her no quarter during the day. I was “on her case” constantly, bothering her, not letting her be. I adopted a tyrannical stance.
As we walked into the store, the woman behind the counter came forward to greet us. “Oh what a cutie!”, she said. “Hello, little girl.”
Anne-Marie smiled shyly, tucking her head into my neck but continuing to gaze at the woman.
“She is looking at you! She is smiling!” I cried.
The woman looked at me oddly.
“Of course she is smiling. So, why shouldn’t she smile?” she asked with a Brooklynesque incredulity. Probably she was thinking: These Yuppie mothers! They are so pathologically competitive about everything, they even keep tabs on how often their toddlers smile!
I do a Holding in the morning. Anne-Marie is then in a heightened state of responsiveness. Then we give her to Bridget, who fills up that attentiveness with a structured curriculum and nonstop teaching.
Meanwhile:
The parents all sat around chatting about their children. I listened with interest, then with growing dismay. All the mothers were telling stories of how they had failed their children. They were responsible, they knew it, and were most eager to talk about it. Oh, it was not their fault of course, but they had done some things inadvertently that resulted in their child’s going from normal to Autistic. The fathers who were there concurred readily in everything the women said.
“I was depressed and did not even know it until I met Dr Welch.”
"I stopped nursing when she was only 1 year old.”
“I never put my daughter in a Snuggli, the way I had with my first child.”
“I went on a trip, and when I returned she was gone … just gone.”
“I was so busy with our move, I could not give him enough attention.”
I could not take much more of this. “Failed bonding is a symptom of Autism, not the cause! The fault is not in us, it is in our kids. It is in their damaged nervous system!”
Blank stares greeted me.
It was time for the Group Holding to begin. All the parents seemed to know what to do.
And then commenced the screaming and a shouting and crying such as I have never witnessed. Across from me a mother of a 16-year-old was screaming: “One incident and you decide to withdraw forever? You ruined our lives!”
Another couple sat with a newborn in the father’s arms, a 3-year-old in the mother’s arms: “Look at me!” screamed the mother. “Look at her!” roared the father. The child writhed and sobbed. The newborn started to scream as well.
“You think you are the only one who should get attention?” shouted a mother to her sobbing daughter. “What about everyone else? What about our needs?”
Dr Welch moved among us, calm and serene, smiling and encouraging us. Her constant exhortation was to express to our child our deepest feelings about him or her – to “let out the rage and the hurt”, only then could true bonding take place.
Before my relationship with Dr Welch ended, I was to understand what it might be like to be seduced and drawn into a cult.
Another perspective is thet all self-abusing Stims are “misdirected aggression” the child feels toward the parents, but dare not express – thus it is considered healthy for the child to punch themselves in the head as a way of venting the rage they feel toward the evil parents; “evil” defined as Mom and Dad having a conversation with each other over the frustration they feel in having a Special child, within the child’s ear-shot. If the child hears this, their poor little egos will be crushed, resulting in them stimming themselves black and blue; all the fault of “evil” parents.
“The mother has her human shortcomings, her little failings and imperfections, which, alas, send her child into a state of catatonic terror.”
The psychiatrist had ordered her to bring her child in for “analysis” 5 days a week. The mother was not allowed to sit in the waiting-room, so incensed with her was the doctor’s staff. The nurses and receptionist informed her that she could drop off the child at the door and wait for her outside. They never looked at the mother, and refused to say hello or goodbye. She had caused this terrible condition in her child, and she merited no human courtesy. Many a day she had stood there, in rain or shine, weeping.
Bettelheim declared thet Behavior Modification Therapies were nothing more than the reduction of the child to Pavlov’s dogs.
It was suggested thet these therapies were the equivalent of electric shock torture, and if a psychiatrist were simply able to repair the emotional damage, the child would automatically adopt normal behavior.
The entire medical profession mindlessly believed this crap. And in France today the medical profession still believes Autism is a Mental Illness!
Not mentioned in this book is another example, Dr John Money, the nut-bag who “determined” thet if you cut a boy’s penis off he will “become” a perfectly normal girl. To this day, if a boy is born (in the USA) with an unusually small penis, doctors will routinely cut it off and honestly convince themselves thet this “girl” will be fine and happy with the result.
This devolved into the routine practice of clitoridectomizing hermaphrodites. If a girl’s clitoris is deemed “too big” by Dr Mengele, he chops it off! This now takes place 2,000 times a year in the USA.
Catherine goes back to telling of her first pregnancy which had resulted in a stillbirth, to which her friends, in anxiety, cheerily said “Do not worry, you can always have another”, then quickly changed the subject, refusing to place themselves in a position of empathy.
Then Catherine broke her foot, to which she received 10 times more co-miserating sympathy.
The same can be said about Autism: see my review of the movie A Day In the Death of Joe Egg, wherein their “friend” nearly died of anxiety at the thought of even seeing their Special child; she did not empathize with the parents of a Special child, and panicked at the thought of even trying.
One day I am walking down the street with a big belly, greeting all the neighborhood, friends, and even shopkeepers. A week later I walk around with no belly, no baby, and no one says a word. There is a “polite” turning away of eyes.
The need to give voice to my shattered heart became overwhelming. This happened. It was real. And it hurt. Please do not make me pretend nothing happened. (See my Lecture on The Grieving Process, and my review of the book The Uncharted Path).
Back with Anne-Marie:
The word “butter” came up.
“Ba-wa”, she repeated.
“Butter”, I corrected.
“Ba-wa”, she persisted.
“But-ter”, I insisted.
“Ba-wa!” she yelled. The message was clear. All right already Mom! I am saying it the way I hear it!
The point being thet what seems to be a speech disorder may actually be an Audio Processing Disorder. As with (some cases of) Stuttering, if the stutterer cannot hear their own voice, they stop stuttering; the point being thet in these cases, Stuttering may not be a speech disorder.
Anne-Marie’s Speech Therapy was useless because she did not have a speech disorder, she had a hearing disorder.
Daniel (Anne-Marie’s older, Normal sibling) was a co-therapist of great commitment. He did not consider that there was anything wrong with his sister. He was not mortally wounded by her lack of spontaneity or interest. If she did not look at him, he yelled louder. Always an exuberant, demanding, happy, excitable child, he was hell-bent on getting his sister’s attention, just as he got everyone else’s. “Anne-Marie! Come here! Hold this!” He was always making something with Legos, or wooden blocks, or paper and glue. He wanted a playmate or a helper or sometimes just an audience, and he had no compunction at all about forcing his sister’s involvement. “Look at me!” he would command her, apparently in imitation of all of us adults constantly asking for Anne-Marie’s gaze. “Anne-Marie! Look!”
Does she mind this tyrannical bossing around? She seemed to love it. She became inseparable from Daniel, more and more interested in his projects and his play.
Anne-Marie’s echoing rapidly grew obsessive; she echoed approximately 90% of what she heard, entranced by the sound of words, irrespective of what they meant.
Catherine tells a story thet reiterates what we know: If you have met one Autistic, you have met one Autistic; her example being thet Anne-Marie was very fearful of any person who looked out of the ordinary. She assumed this meant all Autistics would be afraid of such things, or at least have some peculiar fear or phobia. Then she met several other Autistics and their parents, who stared blankly and said, “What fears?” Their children were usually oblivious, and never showed any fear at all.
Anne-Marie makes “startling progress” due entirely to her Lovaas Therapies. In 8-months of therapy, she evolved 10 –16 months in every area thet needed improvement.
She is still Autistic, but, I do not know what the future holds, but the present is fine.
She was completely co-operative. Resistant crying was no longer a problem. She had never been prone to violent tantrums. Nor did I think her receptive language was seriously behind the norm any longer. She understood everything the teachers said when it was addressed specifically to her. But she still needed help in focusing on people. Lack of spontaneity and initiative was still an issue as well.
Future treatment should include:
- Work on simple reciprocal conversation; teacher says “I am wearing blue pants”, then prompts Anne-Marie to say “I am wearing red pants.”
- Work on fine motor co-ordination such as using scissors.
- Identifying emotions expressed in pictures.
- Identifying the functions of assorted household rooms.
- Expressing her likes and dislikes.
- Completing sentances with conjunctions, articles, correct subject pronouns, etc.
- Model and assist her to tell longer stories about pictures.
- Concepts of singular and plural, opposites, past and present.
- Model and assist her in the use of “before” and “after” in a sentence,
- Assist her in talking about things and events not immediately present.
- Set up a situation wherein two people are talking in simple sentances, and then ask her “What were we talking about?”
I had never been taught any of this myself. The public school system, at least when I was in it (60s–70s) had no such “schooling”, even for the Normal kids, and showed outright depraved indifference, if not overt hostility, toward the Special ones – namely, me.
I would like to go through all of Elementary school again (as a Anthropologist), to see what it is like today, which of course should include 40 hours a week of Lovaas, for all kids.
Everything that had been festering for the past year; all the frustration and anger generated by the scenes I had witnessed at the Mothering Center, the sanctimonious nonsense of the Tinbergen and Bettelheim books, the constant attacks against behavioral therapy, the "therapeutic" nurseries that offered little more than custodial care, it was all coming together for me in an almost unbearable way. There were nights when I could not sleep, going over and over all the idiocy rampant about Autism, torn apart by my own participation in that idiocy. A sense of utter futility almost paralyzed me. The nonsense would go on forever, no matter what data were published, no matter how many scientific studies came out. The sensational and simple would always prevail over the complicated truth. How naïve and stupid I had been not to have fully understood the egotism, the power at play in the world of Autism. Who gets to be the Savior? Who gets the most media attention for being a Savior? The stakes are high in this game. And who cares about objective truth?
Of course, I was overjoyed that we were pulling Anne-Marie out of Autism. But all around me, as I grew to know more and more families, I saw young Autistic children sinking through the cracks as their parents were encouraged to spend months, years, in unproven therapeutic programs. There were moments I was sick with remorse and fury at having been so taken in, so stupid.
Meanwhile: She had taken over much of the learning herself; we had only to keep things interesting and challenging for her. She was no longer being dragged along crying. Our place was more behind her, pushing a little here, prodding there, giving her a nudge sometimes.
This is wonderful, thet they discovered on their own the techniques outlined in the Linwood Method (see my review of the book The Hidden Child), wherein the Method is to follow the child into their own education instead of leading or pushing them.
And Daniel was Anne-Marie’s constant playmate.
She describes the difference between Speech Delay, and Speech Disorder: Delay is when the child seems perfectly normal but is simply “a late bloomer”, whereas a Disorder is when there is obviously some processing or mechanical difficulties.
The reason the therapist is called a Speech and Language Pathologist is because speech and language are 2 different things; Speech is the mechanical function of pronouncing words. Language is the brain’s ability to process the meaning of words.
It may be thet some Autistics, even those who are totally non-verbal, do not have a Speech Disorder; i.e., their mouths work fine, it is instead a Language Disorder, wherein their brain’s processor cannot translate the (picture) thoughts into words.
The story ends with the therapists writing out their final documentation on Anne-Marie, wherein they say she has recovered miraculously, but still has some “residua.”
We thought of those residua, if such they may be called, were fairly accurate descriptions of things Anne-Marie still did, but we were not worried about them. Her prosody was already improving; her dreaminess has been diminishing for a year and a half, and would probably continue to do so; any repetitive phrases in her language were far outnumbered by the spontaneous and original expressions she was using every day. Time would take care of it all. Essentially, our daughter was a normal child.
Part 2:
Their third child develops Autism. As opposed to Anne-Marie’s dull obliviousness, Michel was 1 endless rage-attack. Emotionally they are kicked in the gut, of course. But, this time they know what to do, and so they get on with it. He recovers miraculously.
In the process she tells more about the “medical profession” (snicker) and how utterly useless it is; how seeking a diagnosis from a dozen “doctors” will result in you getting a dozen different (wrong) diagnoses. All of which end with Dr Frankenstein Mengele stating thet there is nothing you can do about it, give up and “embrace universal hopelessness” (her words).
This part of the book also sums up the assorted “treatments” they were presented with throughout both kids’ recovery, including the Bettelheim bullshit thet was still in existence in 1993 when this book was published; i.e., “Therapists” believed thet Autism was caused by abusive parents, and only if the therapist (read: egomaniacal self-proclaimed Saint) allows the child to be whatever monster they want to be, only then will their damaged soul recover – the point being thet if you ever say No to a child, you will crush their brat ego, resulting in Autism. The “therapy” consisted of jumping to kiss the child’s ass in advance, making sure their every desire is fulfilled without them having to ask, thus giving them “love” they never had in Hell-I-mean at home. This included allowing the Autistic child to spin non-stop all day, for “that is their only way of communicating”, which the evil parents had obviously never allowed them to do before – the poor little victim.
The other extreme was “Behavior Therapy”, the point being thet the “therapist” believes Autism is a behavior problem. Thus the child is having an Autistic meltdown because you have “spared the rod” too much. Catherine explains: He believes that physical punishment is “the only way he will learn.” Mostly because he himself knows no other way to teach.
I can exemplify this with the parent who tries to make a “good kid” by “Putting the Fear of God into them.” I can ask why they do not instead put the Love of God into them.
Catherine makes the point herself thet she believes it is never okay to spank a child; referring to corporal punishment as “Victorian”.
Aspie Lecture time:
I want to point out the misinterpretation of the Biblical quote, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” The Biblical “Rod” is not a spanking stick! It is a shepherd’s staff. The Shepherd taps the sheep with the stick to direct them in the right direction. If one runs astray, the shepherd takes the crook end of the staff, grabbing the sheep around the neck and pulling it back into the fold. Nowhere in that scenario does the shepherd beat the sheep! This is what is meant when the Bible says “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” You are not being told to spank your child, you are being told to be a good shepherd, giving them constant guidance.
Not to say thet a trip to the woodshed for an attitude adjustment is not sometimes necessary, but Catherine’s point is thet some morons (who actually call themselves “Therapists”) think Autism is caused by a spanking deficiency!
Another example is “Child Psychology”: All those distraught parents who wonder, “Why oh why is Suzie hitting her baby brother so much? What did we do wrong? We prepared her for the birth. We took her to ‘Birth of a Sibling’ classes. We encouraged her to express her feelings of jealousy and rage, over an over again. We understood, we sympathized. We gave her lots of love and attention whenever she struck out at baby. And she still keeps doing it!” No shit, Sherlock!
Compare this to what was said in (my review of) the book The Hidden Child, about the Linwood method of teaching Autistic kids. They follow the child into their education, rather than pushing or even leading them, but it is absolutely not this Bettelheim BS nor the Child Psychology BS. The kids are eventually made to stop their bad behavior, but in a following them into good behavior way, as a good shepherd tapping them with the staff in the right direction.
Catherine concludes thet intentionally withholding her children’s records from whatever new school they were attending did a lot of good. With no pre-conceived notions for the teachers to base an opinion on, their kids were treated as normal from the start, which was better than the “special classes” they would have been put in based on their now obsolete past.
See Georgiana Stehli in (my review of) the book Sound of a Miracle, wherein her school records were lost in a ship-sinking, thus her new school knew nothing of her Autistic past (and Mom let them remain ignorant), and so they treated her as Normal, even though she was not, which helped her adjust to normal school better than if the school had known her past and thus had made accommodations for her as “Special”.
I have never seen my own school records, but I am sure they were probably detrimental to my development, and a major part of why all teachers hated me, knowing in advance I would be a “special case”, treated me like an idiot (when I was actually the smartest kid in class), and intentionally withheld education from me - they apparently thought I was mentally ill or emotionally disturbed or at least Retarded, when my main problem was a visual processing disorder! They would read whatever bullshit the previous incompetent moron teachers had written (none of them had a clue I was Autistic) and thus came up with a totally inaccurate pre-conceived notion about me, which I was never let in on
Here is another example: Downs Syndrome kids always have the same facial malformity which makes them appear "mongoloid". Give these children cosmetic surgery early so their faces appear normal. This can be very beneficial for them, for it prevents people from making the assumption they are Retarded. They see a normal looking child, and thus treat them as if they were normal. This can be more helpful for the child than starting them out with "Special Treatment." The child left "mongoloid" knows they are being treated like a Retard (in advance) because of their looks, not because they have Downs Syndrome.
So Catherine’s therapy of choice becomes Lovaas Behavioral Therapy again, as described in the Ivar Lovaas’ The Me Book. She raves about how it alone positively recovered both her kids from Autism.
I have not yet read that book, but though I believe it did in fact recover her kids, I definitely differ with it (based on Catherine’s descriptions) on this 1 point: They mainly teach the kids how to act normal while doing nothing to address the cause of their abnormality, which is intestinal damage done by vaccines and antibiotics, and/or sensory processing disorders. They continue to feed kids Gluten while making them maintain eye-contact, and feed them Casein while making them stay focused. Also I am adamantly opposed to them forcing a kid to stop Stimming. The sensory overload is what makes them Stim to calm themselves. Forcing them to tolerate over-stimulation while making them stop the Stimming necessary to alleviate the oncoming meltdown is abusive! Forcing them to act like they are not over-stimulated is flat wrong! And Catherine never mentions the GF/CF Diet, Irlen Lenses, nor AIT.
But, in the case of her kids, Lovaas Therapy did work miracles.
She tells of how they sued-I-mean-appealed the decision of their weasel insurance company, forcing them to pay for Lovaas Therapy; the paperwork necessary for you to do the same is available through the Autism Research Institute.
She also tells of how she sued-I-mean-appealed the decision of their weasel school system, forcing them to obey the law and actually teach her Special kids. The paperwork necessary for you to do this is available through the Children’s Defense Fund.
The Afterward of the book is written by Ivar Lovaas himself: “Catherine Maurice presents the clearest description I have read of the abnormal development of Autistic children and the problems one encounters in seeking treatment for Autism.”
She ends the book with a Diagnosis Appendix, wherein she tells of the assorted combinations of scientific mumbo-jumbo-I-mean-words Doctors Frankenstein and Mengele jumble together to concoct absurd diagnoses with, thus supposedly making themselves look intelligent when they actually have no clue.
She also crucifies the useless DSM III-R, the only diagnostic manual available to Medical Science at the time this book was published, in 1993.
She also gives elaborate descriptions of the terminology used with Lovaas Therapy, and raves about Dr Lovaas’ The Me Book, which can be used to help set up your own home therapy program.
She lists 5 other contacts to help you with the therapy, including where to find certified trainers who can teach you how to become a Lovaas Therapist.
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Living In an Indigo House
by Laura Lee Mystycah
This book adds another "characteristic" to the list of things defining "First Wave Indigo", that being the belief thet police's flashing blue lights trigger in "sensitive Indigos" the fear of being abducted by Aliens! Apparently Indigos have been abducted, and their memories erased with blue lights, thus their subconscious triggers a panic reaction to sudden flashes of blue light.
If you recall, all Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders, thus they are hyper-sensitive to sudden lights and sounds. All Autistics have a panicky reaction to these things. Thus when an Autistic is driving, and suddenly the police turn on their flashing blue lights, all Autistics will have a panic response. Little green guys have nothing to do with it.
At this point it is annoyingly obvious to me thet First Wave Indigos are simply undiagnosed Aspergers deluding themselves.
Here is a chat about gender identity:
I find it fascinating that Tony Attwood talks about some boys on the spectrum who desperately wish they were female, and how in some of these cases it is because they observe girls interacting with others more easily, and so logically attribute their problems socializing to their gender. But if these boys have surgical gender reassignment, it does not solve the problem; they are still Asperger geeks who cannot interact.
To be clear, I certainly do not mean to imply that everyone who feels they are the wrong gender is misinterpreting, and I do not think that is what Tony meant either. He was just observing some cases of AS in males where the real issue was somewhat obscured. But I do think it is interesting that early awareness that you are different than others can lead you to some strange places for explanation.
Strange places like "I am a female trapped in a male body - that is why I have difficulty communicating and connecting with people", or "I was abducted by aliens - that is why I have a panic reaction to sudden flashes of light."
Laura Lee spends a whole chapter talking about some mystery rock called Aurauralite Ailmauracite, which supposedly has mystical psychic energy thet will cleans the Indigo of all negativity and show them their Divine Path as Saviors of the world. This miracle stone, brought here by space aliens, is of course only available from Laura Lee's web-site, from which she will be glad to sell you some.
Then she talks about her spirit guide, some character named Hal, who gives her divine enlightenment. Hal is described by her like some sort of cartoon character with a gooney sense of humor.
Then she talks about how Indigos have other souls "walked in" or "shoved in" to their bodies, apparently as part of the Montauk Project. Of course she offers no explanation as to what the Montauk Project is, but if we buy her other book it will explain it to us.
So I looked Montauk up on the internet. Here is a brief snippet from Wikipedia:
▪ A portal was created which allowed researchers to travel anywhere in time or space. This was developed into a stable Time Tunnel. Underground tunnels with abandoned cultural archives were explored on Mars using this technique, where apparently some kind of Martians had once lived many thousands and thousands of years earlier.
▪ Contact was made with alien extraterrestrials through the Time Tunnel and advanced kinds of etheric technology was exchanged with them which enhanced the Montauk Project. This allowed broader access to hyperspace. Stewart Swerdlow also developed the language of hyperspace, utilizing archetypes and glyphs as well as color and tone, in other words, a non-linguistic language, the language of the Creator, that is God itself.
▪ Enrico Chekov reported in 1988 that satellite surveillance captured during the 1970s showed the formation of a large bubble of space-time centered on the site, lending further credence to the D1 Base Time Tunnel research. After Chekov shared photographs with a reporter from The New York Times, his apartment in Manhattan was burgled and the photos were all that was taken.
▪ People had their psychic abilities enhanced to the point where they could materialize objects out of thin air. Stewart Swerdlow claims to have been involved in the Montauk Project, and as a result, he says, his psionic faculties were boosted, but at the cost of emotional and psychological instability, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other issues, including being programmed with microchips, and also through the use of psychotronic mind-control. An Alien supposedly designed a chair, which an individual could sit in to boost his mental and precipatory powers. A prototype duplicate was given to Britain.
▪ The facility was expanded to as many as 12 levels and several hundred workers. Some reports have the facility extending under the town of Montauk itself, and interconnected with vast maglev tunnel networks to other Deep Underground Military Bases.
And from www.bibliotecapleyades.net/montauk:
Duncan Cameron is one of the central figure in the Philadelphia Experiment and Montauk Project saga. According to Al Bielek, Duncan was originally his own brother who jumped off the USS Eldridge in 1943 and landed into the future. When they wound up in 1983 at Montauk, both were sent back to the USS Eldridge to destroy the equipment that was keeping the ship in hyperspace.
Al Bielek says that before the USS Eldridge re-materialized, Duncan jumped back off the ship and returned to 1983. He was used extensively as a psychic in the Montauk Project. During one of the experiments, Duncan Cameron lost his "time lock" and began to age one year for every hour that passed. The time engineers at Montauk went back in time (to 1950) and convinced Duncan's father, Alexander Cameron to sire another son. When done, they removed Duncan's soul and put it into the new child's body. This person is who we know today as Duncan Cameron.
This transference of souls is apparently what Laura Lee means by "walk ins" and "shove ins".
The new Duncan picked up where the old Duncan left off. He became one of the principal psychics who manned the Montauk Chair. The chair was used to create and hold the frequency required to perform the time-travel and mind-control activities. Duncan, as well as Stewart Swerdlow, allegedly were both "Montauk Boys" programmers. This part of the program still deeply troubles both of them.
The Montauk Program was brought to an abrupt halt when the Bigfoot monster was brought into form (via Duncan) and proceeded to wreck the base. All of the people we interviewed that participated in the Montauk were subject to many sessions of mind-control. Essentially, they had their memories wiped by Montauk technology. In many cases, false memories were implanted to cover up their real activities [such as Bigfoot being the culprit]. But as we learn from Al, their technologies were not perfect. Over time, the memories slowly returned.
Laura Lee explains further:
The rules of protocol in a Walk-In situation used to be that an agreement or contract was made prior to the Resident Being's birth. Then, at a certain place and time, the switch-a-roo took place. This could occur during the trauma of an auto accident, knocking the resident unconscious, or even a simple blow to the head. It could take place while being put under general anesthesia for surgery, or while having a near-death-experience. During this period of unconsciousness, the switch was made, and the being originally in the body handed it over to the Walk-In to complete a mission, and thus honoring the pre-arranged contract. The original being usually has a new assignment waiting.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is when the person's mind simply blanks out what that person actually experienced. They did not go unconscious while another personality (of the same soul) took over (to mentally protect the original personality from the trauma).
Multiple Personality Disorder is when that person goes completely unconscious and stays that way while another personality of the same soul takes the abuse. Then after the abuse is over the second personality goes unconscious and the original person wakes up with no memory of the abuse.
Multiple Personality Disorder is never mentioned in this book. I do not believe another soul actually takes control of the body of a person who has a multiple, for in therapy that person can re-access their (sometimes numerous) multiples who have been dormant (sometimes for years). Laura Lee is absurdly suggesting there are several dormant souls (not just personalities) just hanging around for no apparent reason, all in the same body.
Sybil had 7 multiples. I have 1 multiple, and my sister has 5. I do not believe there are 5 different souls in my sister's body, twiddling their thumbs for 40 years just waiting for some Woo-woo "mission" to begin. I can also take into consideration the fact all my sister's multiples are abusive (or at least paranoid defensive) stupid morons! None of them are here for some great mission, they are just my sister's way of compartmentalizing and detaching from the abuse she suffered.
Laura Lee does almost redeem herself by saying: Many people have this grandiose distorted image of Indigos. They see them as wondrous saviors coming to this planet with all their super-powers and tremendous elevated spiritual awareness. They think Indigos (like Christ) have come here to save them! Indigos can only show you how to save yourself.
Sadly, for most First Wavers it takes years to wake up from their amnesia and finally understand that those around them do not see the world through their highly-evolved perception. Therefore most of them do not understand why others cannot see or comprehend what is so obvious to them.
This "highly-evolved perception" is called Sensory Processing Disorders all Autistics have. You are not evolved, you are damaged! And their inability to understand why others do not see what they see is called Autistic lack of empathy.
This is identical to the way life is for all people with undiagnosed Aspergers. All my life I was exasperated over how people did not want to get better, and how they could be so stupid for not being able to see what was so blatantly obvious to me.
In my review of the book The Sound of a Miracle, Georgie's hearing was so acute, the sound of her own pulse was painfully loud to her. She also had 20/200 vision! She was not aware other people's senses were different from hers, instead she just thought she was crazy for not being able to handle her own super-human senses. All Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders. Everything is just so obvious to them, while the Normals honestly cannot see it (because they do not have 20/200 vision!).
I can hear sunlight. Does that make me an Indigo? No. I just have Sensory Processing Disorders (in my case specifically it is called CAPD, which is exacerbated by Synesthesia) like most other Autistics.
It is my understanding that all First Wave Indigos went to the Ultra Violet Realm for intense training, and earned their Ultra Violet Ray before comming here to do their jobs. This realm is in another time, another place, another dimension. A place that also has access to and uses the Aulmauracite-Aurauralite Stone of Truth for energy, focus, strength, healing, broadcasting, and the internal code activation.
Ofer Krysake.
Laura Lee again relays some of her interaction with her spirit guide Hal, who has the classic Asperger word-play sense of humor.
Laura Lee impresses me with her attitude toward her own children, to whom she does not perceive herself as a mother. Instead I had the approach that my children are not my children, my property, my possessions, but more my stewardship.
Internal knowing, innate knowledge, perceiving by what is inside, not outside. It is this very thing, this internal knowledge that Indigos feel the most comfortable using.
This is classic Asperger's Syndrome, and Autism in general.
One remarkable quality of most Indigos is that they can calculate solutions to problems in their heads quickly and effortlessly.
This goes along with what I said before about the unexplained ability to just know how things work, fascination with parts of things, the ability to see the obvious solution before anyone else can tell there is a problem, etc. The ultimate demonstration of this is when the severely Autistic Jessica Park translated a book from English into Spanish without being able to read Spanish. Does she have some magical psychic ability? No. She is a brain-damaged Retard! But like most Autistics there is an island of (in her case amazing) genius in there.
Speaking of her own child:
Part of the assignment was to make a self-portrait. The teacher noticed that he kept looking under his chair. A few minutes later he came up to her desk and said he did not know how to draw humans. Later he asked how you spell Ninja Turtles.
When the alloted time expired all the portraits were handed in, but he asked for more time. He had meticulously drawn 2 feet wearing Ninja Turtle shoes, and stubs of 2 legs were in progress. He was paying meticulous attention to every detail.
This kid is probably an Aspie. Like most Autistics he is not fully aware of his own body. And like any Hyperlexic Asperger obsessed with language he had to spell the words on his Turtles shoes correctly before drawing the actual person wearing them. Combine this with obsessive attention to detail and you have a typical Asperger kid.
Then she gives an example of his drama-king abilities: ... and somehow uses his powers of vocal alchemy and persuasion to make people love and adore him. Typical Asperger Little Professor kid lecturing with an adult vocabulary.
He was not necessarily disruptive, he would just get up and wonder in the back of the classroom [classic Autistic stim]. During recess he would go into the forest and just wander there until the bell rang [connecting with the physical world rather than with people]. Instead of playing contact sports with the other boys, he opted to commune with trees [Autistic inability for his eyes to track fast-moving objects, and Attention Deficit making him unable to stay focused on the ball-field if there are too many people moving at once, and outright aversion to interacting with groups.].
Due to his Asperger inability to appreciate authority he flunked Math in 8th grade. He thus had to go to summer school, which his mother expected him to hate, but the result was thet he became the teacher's assistant tutoring the other kids! The Little Professor (with the Aspergers symptom of having a strong desire to be a mentor) found his niche!
Meanwhile back at home, her other child gags on food of specific textures. This is common with most Autistic kids.
About 50% of Indigos are wired totally different than what is standard protocol. Even for Indigos this wiring is somewhat abnormal. When many of you read this you will breathe a sigh of relief and say, Yes! I knew there was something terribly wrong!
Having a brain thet is literally wired differently is called Autism.
I found my way to my first psychic fair. The woman who read me said I was an Indigo. I did not have a clue what she was talking about. My abuse issues, depression, and toxic reaction to organized religion were trademark Indigo. And the voices I was hearing? Well it seems I am a dead-people magnet. Lucky me.
Hearing voices means you are either 1) Schizophrenic; i.e., the voices you are hearing are your own engrams or your subconscious; or have 2) Sensory Processing Disorders, wherein you can hear things other people cannot because you simply have (abnormal) super-human hearing.
Abuse issues, depression, and toxic reaction to organized religion are also typical of Asperger's Syndrome.
Laura Lee presents 9 autobiographies of "self-diagnosed Indigos". Each is only a few pages long.
The following is typical of many:
From an early age I was labeled as Special or Gifted to some extent. [I got an A++ in art, and literally compose music in my sleep]. Early on, I understood depth and perception in art. I can easily assemble most electronic and mechanical items with little or no instruction. [At the age of 6 I took a clock apart and re-assembled it without any help at all]. English class in school makes as much sense as learning how to breathe. [Hyperlexia. I taught myself how to read and write, and invented many of my own words thet had emotional definitions but were not part of the English language; i.e., Neologisms]. I believe experience and doing are the best teachers [i.e., like me, and all Autistics, he cannot be taught by others, he must only teach himself through trial-and error].
I developed few friends and fewer love interests [Like most Aspergers, I have never had either; see my Autism Lecture on Casual Conversations]. I felt happy to be in solitude. [The only time I am happy is when I am camping alone]. One reason it was so hard for me to make friends was that I found their thought and mentality cruel and alien to me [Asperger superior sense of Ethics, and difficulty empathizing]. I was an odd puzzle piece in a game of chess. Each relationship I got involved in ended before they could start; I could never feel any connection with them [Classic Autism symptom].
These days I teach music to people of all ages - it makes me quite happy. I have no problem with the very young or very old. [Aspies often get along better with children, animals, and the elderly than with peers]. I spend long hours trying to construct the perfect lesson for each student [Obsessive perfectionist]. Welcome to Asperger's Syndrome!
Then Laura Lee shares some personal letters:
I have always known that I was different in some way from other people. In school I often felt like an outcast, and seldom had any friends. I am predominantly self-educated on issues ranging from income tax code, to Zero Point Energy. I was very bright and intuitively gifted in areas that interested me, but was not at all able to follow things I felt were irrelevant. I was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome, but I do not know if that is a bad thing. I have always been opinionated and verbally open with my views, and that has gotten me into a bit of trouble in school because I was always able to articulate my feelings with great ease. I know I am Obsessive about certain things, and Attention Deficit on others. I am always completely frank when I speak, and do not beat around the bush. This has made it hard to get a job, and when I do get a job I often lose it quickly because my immediate supervisors feel threatened by me. I can feel the slightest amount of tension in a room. I have often congratulated women on their pregnancies before they knew they were pregnant. When I am backed into a corner my whole body shakes like I am an emotional lightening-rod. I rarely watch TV - I only watch Star Trek. I am a Wiccan and have been since I was 15. I have never been able to conform to society and am still an outcast. I have no friends and really do not want any. I believe I am a First Wave Indigo. This label is the only thing that has made sense to me in these 23 years. I am always open and completely honest, and do not take offense easily.
This guy has Asperger's Syndrome.
Here is a snippet from another letter:
As for stepping out of the tyranny, the only thought I have been feeling recently is that of moving into some remote part of the forest somewhere and living for myself without the rule of the oppressive dictatorial intellectually inferior. But this would not help the rest of the people who feel the same way I do. What we need to do is find a way to get the complacent public involved and make them see what is really going on.
This guy probably has Asperger's Syndrome.
Here is a snippet from another:
For as long as I can remember, my interactions with people have been very frustrating. I began to notice as early as Kindergarten that it was really hard for me to make friends, and the friends I did have, I never knew if I could really trust them. It was often the case that when other kids would pick on me (which was quite often) my so-called "friends" would join them. School was also the place where I learned to keep my mouth shut and never express my feelings or opinions. Whenever I did I would be made fun of, be told to shut up, or just be ignored.
This is the childhood of every Aspie.
The book ends with The Knight's Code, which is basically a listing of Ethical Standards for behavior all Indigos should aspire to. This keen (if not superior) sense of Ethics is a symptom of Asperger's Syndrome.
I respect these lost Aspergers for cultivating their hyper-sensitivities into actual psychic abilities, and I admire them for forming a group who have the Aspergian sense of Ethics as their guide-book. But they are overlooking the probability thet they are actually undiagnosed Aspergers, who in their attempt to figure out what is wrong with them, allow their frustration to amplify the AS symptom of conceited indignance into a delusion, and thus convince themselves thet they are an evolutionary step above the Normals. Like all Autistics, they do in fact have super-human abilities, but making up this crap about your soul going to school in the Ultra Violet Realm to prepare you for your mission here on Earth is just absurd.
In my exasperation over being a social Retard I devolved into an actual rage thet I over-compensated for with a God Complex! Then I grew up and realized I was not so special, just damaged and over-compensating. That is when (thank God) I accidentally discovered I have AS (no thanks to the useless medical profession). After obsessively researching AS for 3 years I came to fully understand what the hell is going on, and thus when I go back I re-read my own zines, such as Flashpoint #4 on Ethics Philosophy, I actually laugh in astonishment over my own incredibly egotistical writing-style.
It is natural for humans to allow their own egos to over-rule their common sense. I know I did, as did these so-called "First Wave Indigos".
Wake up Laura Lee. All people have psychic abilities; it is only because you are a hyper-sensitive Autistic thet you recognized them to such extent. All people have "weird things" happen to them, but their (usually religious) Belief System prevents them from understanding themselves; i.e., they accept thet "It is against my religion to go there"; "Do not bother me with reality, my mind is made up (by religion)." And "I was Chosen to be one of God's Special Pets."
I respect your continued cultivation of your psychic abilities. Just do not get stuck in your own Belief System thet prevents you from learning you have Asperger's Syndrome.
"Do not bother me with reality, my mind is made up. I am one of The Ultra Violet Realm's Special Pets." Wrong. You are probably Autistic! as are your socially-retarded superior-vocabulary Little Professor son who spends recess at school wandering alone in the woods rather than playing with other kids, and your gagging-on-certain-textures-of-food daughter.
This book ends with an ad for Laura Lee's psychic-reading business, a listing of 12 recommended books, and 11 recommended meditation music CDs.
Laura Lee, and all other "First Wave Indigos", please read Tony Attwood's book, The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome (see my review), which will prove to you thet Indigos flat-out do not exist.
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by Laura Lee Mystycah
This book adds another "characteristic" to the list of things defining "First Wave Indigo", that being the belief thet police's flashing blue lights trigger in "sensitive Indigos" the fear of being abducted by Aliens! Apparently Indigos have been abducted, and their memories erased with blue lights, thus their subconscious triggers a panic reaction to sudden flashes of blue light.
If you recall, all Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders, thus they are hyper-sensitive to sudden lights and sounds. All Autistics have a panicky reaction to these things. Thus when an Autistic is driving, and suddenly the police turn on their flashing blue lights, all Autistics will have a panic response. Little green guys have nothing to do with it.
At this point it is annoyingly obvious to me thet First Wave Indigos are simply undiagnosed Aspergers deluding themselves.
Here is a chat about gender identity:
I find it fascinating that Tony Attwood talks about some boys on the spectrum who desperately wish they were female, and how in some of these cases it is because they observe girls interacting with others more easily, and so logically attribute their problems socializing to their gender. But if these boys have surgical gender reassignment, it does not solve the problem; they are still Asperger geeks who cannot interact.
To be clear, I certainly do not mean to imply that everyone who feels they are the wrong gender is misinterpreting, and I do not think that is what Tony meant either. He was just observing some cases of AS in males where the real issue was somewhat obscured. But I do think it is interesting that early awareness that you are different than others can lead you to some strange places for explanation.
Strange places like "I am a female trapped in a male body - that is why I have difficulty communicating and connecting with people", or "I was abducted by aliens - that is why I have a panic reaction to sudden flashes of light."
Laura Lee spends a whole chapter talking about some mystery rock called Aurauralite Ailmauracite, which supposedly has mystical psychic energy thet will cleans the Indigo of all negativity and show them their Divine Path as Saviors of the world. This miracle stone, brought here by space aliens, is of course only available from Laura Lee's web-site, from which she will be glad to sell you some.
Then she talks about her spirit guide, some character named Hal, who gives her divine enlightenment. Hal is described by her like some sort of cartoon character with a gooney sense of humor.
Then she talks about how Indigos have other souls "walked in" or "shoved in" to their bodies, apparently as part of the Montauk Project. Of course she offers no explanation as to what the Montauk Project is, but if we buy her other book it will explain it to us.
So I looked Montauk up on the internet. Here is a brief snippet from Wikipedia:
▪ A portal was created which allowed researchers to travel anywhere in time or space. This was developed into a stable Time Tunnel. Underground tunnels with abandoned cultural archives were explored on Mars using this technique, where apparently some kind of Martians had once lived many thousands and thousands of years earlier.
▪ Contact was made with alien extraterrestrials through the Time Tunnel and advanced kinds of etheric technology was exchanged with them which enhanced the Montauk Project. This allowed broader access to hyperspace. Stewart Swerdlow also developed the language of hyperspace, utilizing archetypes and glyphs as well as color and tone, in other words, a non-linguistic language, the language of the Creator, that is God itself.
▪ Enrico Chekov reported in 1988 that satellite surveillance captured during the 1970s showed the formation of a large bubble of space-time centered on the site, lending further credence to the D1 Base Time Tunnel research. After Chekov shared photographs with a reporter from The New York Times, his apartment in Manhattan was burgled and the photos were all that was taken.
▪ People had their psychic abilities enhanced to the point where they could materialize objects out of thin air. Stewart Swerdlow claims to have been involved in the Montauk Project, and as a result, he says, his psionic faculties were boosted, but at the cost of emotional and psychological instability, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other issues, including being programmed with microchips, and also through the use of psychotronic mind-control. An Alien supposedly designed a chair, which an individual could sit in to boost his mental and precipatory powers. A prototype duplicate was given to Britain.
▪ The facility was expanded to as many as 12 levels and several hundred workers. Some reports have the facility extending under the town of Montauk itself, and interconnected with vast maglev tunnel networks to other Deep Underground Military Bases.
And from www.bibliotecapleyades.net/montauk:
Duncan Cameron is one of the central figure in the Philadelphia Experiment and Montauk Project saga. According to Al Bielek, Duncan was originally his own brother who jumped off the USS Eldridge in 1943 and landed into the future. When they wound up in 1983 at Montauk, both were sent back to the USS Eldridge to destroy the equipment that was keeping the ship in hyperspace.
Al Bielek says that before the USS Eldridge re-materialized, Duncan jumped back off the ship and returned to 1983. He was used extensively as a psychic in the Montauk Project. During one of the experiments, Duncan Cameron lost his "time lock" and began to age one year for every hour that passed. The time engineers at Montauk went back in time (to 1950) and convinced Duncan's father, Alexander Cameron to sire another son. When done, they removed Duncan's soul and put it into the new child's body. This person is who we know today as Duncan Cameron.
This transference of souls is apparently what Laura Lee means by "walk ins" and "shove ins".
The new Duncan picked up where the old Duncan left off. He became one of the principal psychics who manned the Montauk Chair. The chair was used to create and hold the frequency required to perform the time-travel and mind-control activities. Duncan, as well as Stewart Swerdlow, allegedly were both "Montauk Boys" programmers. This part of the program still deeply troubles both of them.
The Montauk Program was brought to an abrupt halt when the Bigfoot monster was brought into form (via Duncan) and proceeded to wreck the base. All of the people we interviewed that participated in the Montauk were subject to many sessions of mind-control. Essentially, they had their memories wiped by Montauk technology. In many cases, false memories were implanted to cover up their real activities [such as Bigfoot being the culprit]. But as we learn from Al, their technologies were not perfect. Over time, the memories slowly returned.
Laura Lee explains further:
The rules of protocol in a Walk-In situation used to be that an agreement or contract was made prior to the Resident Being's birth. Then, at a certain place and time, the switch-a-roo took place. This could occur during the trauma of an auto accident, knocking the resident unconscious, or even a simple blow to the head. It could take place while being put under general anesthesia for surgery, or while having a near-death-experience. During this period of unconsciousness, the switch was made, and the being originally in the body handed it over to the Walk-In to complete a mission, and thus honoring the pre-arranged contract. The original being usually has a new assignment waiting.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is when the person's mind simply blanks out what that person actually experienced. They did not go unconscious while another personality (of the same soul) took over (to mentally protect the original personality from the trauma).
Multiple Personality Disorder is when that person goes completely unconscious and stays that way while another personality of the same soul takes the abuse. Then after the abuse is over the second personality goes unconscious and the original person wakes up with no memory of the abuse.
Multiple Personality Disorder is never mentioned in this book. I do not believe another soul actually takes control of the body of a person who has a multiple, for in therapy that person can re-access their (sometimes numerous) multiples who have been dormant (sometimes for years). Laura Lee is absurdly suggesting there are several dormant souls (not just personalities) just hanging around for no apparent reason, all in the same body.
Sybil had 7 multiples. I have 1 multiple, and my sister has 5. I do not believe there are 5 different souls in my sister's body, twiddling their thumbs for 40 years just waiting for some Woo-woo "mission" to begin. I can also take into consideration the fact all my sister's multiples are abusive (or at least paranoid defensive) stupid morons! None of them are here for some great mission, they are just my sister's way of compartmentalizing and detaching from the abuse she suffered.
Laura Lee does almost redeem herself by saying: Many people have this grandiose distorted image of Indigos. They see them as wondrous saviors coming to this planet with all their super-powers and tremendous elevated spiritual awareness. They think Indigos (like Christ) have come here to save them! Indigos can only show you how to save yourself.
Sadly, for most First Wavers it takes years to wake up from their amnesia and finally understand that those around them do not see the world through their highly-evolved perception. Therefore most of them do not understand why others cannot see or comprehend what is so obvious to them.
This "highly-evolved perception" is called Sensory Processing Disorders all Autistics have. You are not evolved, you are damaged! And their inability to understand why others do not see what they see is called Autistic lack of empathy.
This is identical to the way life is for all people with undiagnosed Aspergers. All my life I was exasperated over how people did not want to get better, and how they could be so stupid for not being able to see what was so blatantly obvious to me.
In my review of the book The Sound of a Miracle, Georgie's hearing was so acute, the sound of her own pulse was painfully loud to her. She also had 20/200 vision! She was not aware other people's senses were different from hers, instead she just thought she was crazy for not being able to handle her own super-human senses. All Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders. Everything is just so obvious to them, while the Normals honestly cannot see it (because they do not have 20/200 vision!).
I can hear sunlight. Does that make me an Indigo? No. I just have Sensory Processing Disorders (in my case specifically it is called CAPD, which is exacerbated by Synesthesia) like most other Autistics.
It is my understanding that all First Wave Indigos went to the Ultra Violet Realm for intense training, and earned their Ultra Violet Ray before comming here to do their jobs. This realm is in another time, another place, another dimension. A place that also has access to and uses the Aulmauracite-Aurauralite Stone of Truth for energy, focus, strength, healing, broadcasting, and the internal code activation.
Ofer Krysake.
Laura Lee again relays some of her interaction with her spirit guide Hal, who has the classic Asperger word-play sense of humor.
Laura Lee impresses me with her attitude toward her own children, to whom she does not perceive herself as a mother. Instead I had the approach that my children are not my children, my property, my possessions, but more my stewardship.
Internal knowing, innate knowledge, perceiving by what is inside, not outside. It is this very thing, this internal knowledge that Indigos feel the most comfortable using.
This is classic Asperger's Syndrome, and Autism in general.
One remarkable quality of most Indigos is that they can calculate solutions to problems in their heads quickly and effortlessly.
This goes along with what I said before about the unexplained ability to just know how things work, fascination with parts of things, the ability to see the obvious solution before anyone else can tell there is a problem, etc. The ultimate demonstration of this is when the severely Autistic Jessica Park translated a book from English into Spanish without being able to read Spanish. Does she have some magical psychic ability? No. She is a brain-damaged Retard! But like most Autistics there is an island of (in her case amazing) genius in there.
Speaking of her own child:
Part of the assignment was to make a self-portrait. The teacher noticed that he kept looking under his chair. A few minutes later he came up to her desk and said he did not know how to draw humans. Later he asked how you spell Ninja Turtles.
When the alloted time expired all the portraits were handed in, but he asked for more time. He had meticulously drawn 2 feet wearing Ninja Turtle shoes, and stubs of 2 legs were in progress. He was paying meticulous attention to every detail.
This kid is probably an Aspie. Like most Autistics he is not fully aware of his own body. And like any Hyperlexic Asperger obsessed with language he had to spell the words on his Turtles shoes correctly before drawing the actual person wearing them. Combine this with obsessive attention to detail and you have a typical Asperger kid.
Then she gives an example of his drama-king abilities: ... and somehow uses his powers of vocal alchemy and persuasion to make people love and adore him. Typical Asperger Little Professor kid lecturing with an adult vocabulary.
He was not necessarily disruptive, he would just get up and wonder in the back of the classroom [classic Autistic stim]. During recess he would go into the forest and just wander there until the bell rang [connecting with the physical world rather than with people]. Instead of playing contact sports with the other boys, he opted to commune with trees [Autistic inability for his eyes to track fast-moving objects, and Attention Deficit making him unable to stay focused on the ball-field if there are too many people moving at once, and outright aversion to interacting with groups.].
Due to his Asperger inability to appreciate authority he flunked Math in 8th grade. He thus had to go to summer school, which his mother expected him to hate, but the result was thet he became the teacher's assistant tutoring the other kids! The Little Professor (with the Aspergers symptom of having a strong desire to be a mentor) found his niche!
Meanwhile back at home, her other child gags on food of specific textures. This is common with most Autistic kids.
About 50% of Indigos are wired totally different than what is standard protocol. Even for Indigos this wiring is somewhat abnormal. When many of you read this you will breathe a sigh of relief and say, Yes! I knew there was something terribly wrong!
Having a brain thet is literally wired differently is called Autism.
I found my way to my first psychic fair. The woman who read me said I was an Indigo. I did not have a clue what she was talking about. My abuse issues, depression, and toxic reaction to organized religion were trademark Indigo. And the voices I was hearing? Well it seems I am a dead-people magnet. Lucky me.
Hearing voices means you are either 1) Schizophrenic; i.e., the voices you are hearing are your own engrams or your subconscious; or have 2) Sensory Processing Disorders, wherein you can hear things other people cannot because you simply have (abnormal) super-human hearing.
Abuse issues, depression, and toxic reaction to organized religion are also typical of Asperger's Syndrome.
Laura Lee presents 9 autobiographies of "self-diagnosed Indigos". Each is only a few pages long.
The following is typical of many:
From an early age I was labeled as Special or Gifted to some extent. [I got an A++ in art, and literally compose music in my sleep]. Early on, I understood depth and perception in art. I can easily assemble most electronic and mechanical items with little or no instruction. [At the age of 6 I took a clock apart and re-assembled it without any help at all]. English class in school makes as much sense as learning how to breathe. [Hyperlexia. I taught myself how to read and write, and invented many of my own words thet had emotional definitions but were not part of the English language; i.e., Neologisms]. I believe experience and doing are the best teachers [i.e., like me, and all Autistics, he cannot be taught by others, he must only teach himself through trial-and error].
I developed few friends and fewer love interests [Like most Aspergers, I have never had either; see my Autism Lecture on Casual Conversations]. I felt happy to be in solitude. [The only time I am happy is when I am camping alone]. One reason it was so hard for me to make friends was that I found their thought and mentality cruel and alien to me [Asperger superior sense of Ethics, and difficulty empathizing]. I was an odd puzzle piece in a game of chess. Each relationship I got involved in ended before they could start; I could never feel any connection with them [Classic Autism symptom].
These days I teach music to people of all ages - it makes me quite happy. I have no problem with the very young or very old. [Aspies often get along better with children, animals, and the elderly than with peers]. I spend long hours trying to construct the perfect lesson for each student [Obsessive perfectionist]. Welcome to Asperger's Syndrome!
Then Laura Lee shares some personal letters:
I have always known that I was different in some way from other people. In school I often felt like an outcast, and seldom had any friends. I am predominantly self-educated on issues ranging from income tax code, to Zero Point Energy. I was very bright and intuitively gifted in areas that interested me, but was not at all able to follow things I felt were irrelevant. I was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome, but I do not know if that is a bad thing. I have always been opinionated and verbally open with my views, and that has gotten me into a bit of trouble in school because I was always able to articulate my feelings with great ease. I know I am Obsessive about certain things, and Attention Deficit on others. I am always completely frank when I speak, and do not beat around the bush. This has made it hard to get a job, and when I do get a job I often lose it quickly because my immediate supervisors feel threatened by me. I can feel the slightest amount of tension in a room. I have often congratulated women on their pregnancies before they knew they were pregnant. When I am backed into a corner my whole body shakes like I am an emotional lightening-rod. I rarely watch TV - I only watch Star Trek. I am a Wiccan and have been since I was 15. I have never been able to conform to society and am still an outcast. I have no friends and really do not want any. I believe I am a First Wave Indigo. This label is the only thing that has made sense to me in these 23 years. I am always open and completely honest, and do not take offense easily.
This guy has Asperger's Syndrome.
Here is a snippet from another letter:
As for stepping out of the tyranny, the only thought I have been feeling recently is that of moving into some remote part of the forest somewhere and living for myself without the rule of the oppressive dictatorial intellectually inferior. But this would not help the rest of the people who feel the same way I do. What we need to do is find a way to get the complacent public involved and make them see what is really going on.
This guy probably has Asperger's Syndrome.
Here is a snippet from another:
For as long as I can remember, my interactions with people have been very frustrating. I began to notice as early as Kindergarten that it was really hard for me to make friends, and the friends I did have, I never knew if I could really trust them. It was often the case that when other kids would pick on me (which was quite often) my so-called "friends" would join them. School was also the place where I learned to keep my mouth shut and never express my feelings or opinions. Whenever I did I would be made fun of, be told to shut up, or just be ignored.
This is the childhood of every Aspie.
The book ends with The Knight's Code, which is basically a listing of Ethical Standards for behavior all Indigos should aspire to. This keen (if not superior) sense of Ethics is a symptom of Asperger's Syndrome.
I respect these lost Aspergers for cultivating their hyper-sensitivities into actual psychic abilities, and I admire them for forming a group who have the Aspergian sense of Ethics as their guide-book. But they are overlooking the probability thet they are actually undiagnosed Aspergers, who in their attempt to figure out what is wrong with them, allow their frustration to amplify the AS symptom of conceited indignance into a delusion, and thus convince themselves thet they are an evolutionary step above the Normals. Like all Autistics, they do in fact have super-human abilities, but making up this crap about your soul going to school in the Ultra Violet Realm to prepare you for your mission here on Earth is just absurd.
In my exasperation over being a social Retard I devolved into an actual rage thet I over-compensated for with a God Complex! Then I grew up and realized I was not so special, just damaged and over-compensating. That is when (thank God) I accidentally discovered I have AS (no thanks to the useless medical profession). After obsessively researching AS for 3 years I came to fully understand what the hell is going on, and thus when I go back I re-read my own zines, such as Flashpoint #4 on Ethics Philosophy, I actually laugh in astonishment over my own incredibly egotistical writing-style.
It is natural for humans to allow their own egos to over-rule their common sense. I know I did, as did these so-called "First Wave Indigos".
Wake up Laura Lee. All people have psychic abilities; it is only because you are a hyper-sensitive Autistic thet you recognized them to such extent. All people have "weird things" happen to them, but their (usually religious) Belief System prevents them from understanding themselves; i.e., they accept thet "It is against my religion to go there"; "Do not bother me with reality, my mind is made up (by religion)." And "I was Chosen to be one of God's Special Pets."
I respect your continued cultivation of your psychic abilities. Just do not get stuck in your own Belief System thet prevents you from learning you have Asperger's Syndrome.
"Do not bother me with reality, my mind is made up. I am one of The Ultra Violet Realm's Special Pets." Wrong. You are probably Autistic! as are your socially-retarded superior-vocabulary Little Professor son who spends recess at school wandering alone in the woods rather than playing with other kids, and your gagging-on-certain-textures-of-food daughter.
This book ends with an ad for Laura Lee's psychic-reading business, a listing of 12 recommended books, and 11 recommended meditation music CDs.
Laura Lee, and all other "First Wave Indigos", please read Tony Attwood's book, The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome (see my review), which will prove to you thet Indigos flat-out do not exist.
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Love Anthony
by Lisa Genova
This is a fiction novel. It is very difficult for me to read, or at least enjoy, novels, for (typical Aspie) I only communicate for educational information exchange; i.e., I speak in lectures not conversations. Thus it was really difficult for me to get into this book. For the first 1/4 I groaned and felt extremely bored. This was not due to it being a boring book, but due to me strongly disliking reading other people's conversations. Eventually I learned to tolerate it, and even ended up enjoying it.
It is about five women who are friends. Basically a soap-opera, this is very much a "chick-book", in fact I cried 3 times while reading it - mostly over the (very well-written) breaking-up couples parts.
One of the women had an Autistic child, who died. Another is a writer, with 3 normal kids, who decides to write a book about an Autistic child. She is writing about a boy with Autism, but this story is different from those of The Siege or The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time or any other books she has read about Autism. The story she is writing is about a boy with Autism who does not speak, and yet she is telling it from his point of view, giving voice to this voiceless child.
The woman who's child died, kept a journal, parts of which concerning Autism are quoted here. She disagrees with the ABA therapist who tries to make her child stop flapping his hands. She instead wants to help her child put into words what the flapping represents. Mom also says the flapping and other physical demonstrations should be encouraged, and thet it is our responsibility to learn his Stimmy forms of "sign-language". I agree with her, for it has already been proven thet once a non-verbal child learns 300 words in actual sign-language they start talking. This also applies to normal kids; when your normal child says their first word, it is because they already know 300 words. You could easily have them conversing fluently in sign-language long before they could speak.
Mom also disagrees with the ABA practice of "extinguishing" obsessiveness and perserveration. Her child was fixated on Barney. The Therapist believed he should be weened off of, or even flat-out cut off from, this fixation, so his mind could expand elsewhere. But Mom says an Autistic's fixation may just be their way of expressing love; i.e., her child was not necessarily obsessed with Barney, he simply loved Barney. Why take that emotional connection away, especially from a child who may never bond with anyone or anything else? "Yesterday when he was in hysterics in front of the blackened TV screen, Carlin refusing him access to the remote control, I had a different thought. We have been calling this thing with Barney a 'perserveration', an 'obsession', even an 'addiction'. What if instead we called it 'love'?
When I watch Anthony watching Barney, he is completely enamored. Delight dances all over his beautiful face every time the little purple stuffed animal turns into the giant live Barney. He squeals and flaps his hands. This is good!"
We never meet this child - he died before the story begins, and the writer character has never actually known an Autistic child, she just makes up her story as influenced by other books she has read on the subject.
Thus, it is not really about a specific child, nor even about Autism, as much as it is about the grieving process and the writing process - most of the conversations these characters have are about the problems in their marriages, etc.
One of them is still grieving (with tremendous difficulty) the death of her child, re-reading her own journals (quoted above) as her way of finally confronting it all.
This book reminds me of the movie The Hawk Is Dying (see my review), wherein Normal people have difficulty grieving the death of an Autistic. The Autistic in The Hawk is Dying was not even part of the main story, he just coincidentally had Autism, is now dead, and the other characters are left to deal with it.
The book ends with the writer sharing her finnished manuscript with her circle of friends, all of whom think it is spectacular. The grieving woman is shocked to discover thet the story was very specifically about her own child none of them had even met; i.e., apparently the writer channeled the dead kid's spirit, thus he is the one who actually wrote the book as his way of helping his mother grieve.
Mostly tragic throughout (like I said, I cried 3 times), it was also a sweet story, and all ends well.
Autism had little to do with it, but was a running theme beneath the surface.
See my Grieving Process Lecture.
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by Lisa Genova
This is a fiction novel. It is very difficult for me to read, or at least enjoy, novels, for (typical Aspie) I only communicate for educational information exchange; i.e., I speak in lectures not conversations. Thus it was really difficult for me to get into this book. For the first 1/4 I groaned and felt extremely bored. This was not due to it being a boring book, but due to me strongly disliking reading other people's conversations. Eventually I learned to tolerate it, and even ended up enjoying it.
It is about five women who are friends. Basically a soap-opera, this is very much a "chick-book", in fact I cried 3 times while reading it - mostly over the (very well-written) breaking-up couples parts.
One of the women had an Autistic child, who died. Another is a writer, with 3 normal kids, who decides to write a book about an Autistic child. She is writing about a boy with Autism, but this story is different from those of The Siege or The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time or any other books she has read about Autism. The story she is writing is about a boy with Autism who does not speak, and yet she is telling it from his point of view, giving voice to this voiceless child.
The woman who's child died, kept a journal, parts of which concerning Autism are quoted here. She disagrees with the ABA therapist who tries to make her child stop flapping his hands. She instead wants to help her child put into words what the flapping represents. Mom also says the flapping and other physical demonstrations should be encouraged, and thet it is our responsibility to learn his Stimmy forms of "sign-language". I agree with her, for it has already been proven thet once a non-verbal child learns 300 words in actual sign-language they start talking. This also applies to normal kids; when your normal child says their first word, it is because they already know 300 words. You could easily have them conversing fluently in sign-language long before they could speak.
Mom also disagrees with the ABA practice of "extinguishing" obsessiveness and perserveration. Her child was fixated on Barney. The Therapist believed he should be weened off of, or even flat-out cut off from, this fixation, so his mind could expand elsewhere. But Mom says an Autistic's fixation may just be their way of expressing love; i.e., her child was not necessarily obsessed with Barney, he simply loved Barney. Why take that emotional connection away, especially from a child who may never bond with anyone or anything else? "Yesterday when he was in hysterics in front of the blackened TV screen, Carlin refusing him access to the remote control, I had a different thought. We have been calling this thing with Barney a 'perserveration', an 'obsession', even an 'addiction'. What if instead we called it 'love'?
When I watch Anthony watching Barney, he is completely enamored. Delight dances all over his beautiful face every time the little purple stuffed animal turns into the giant live Barney. He squeals and flaps his hands. This is good!"
We never meet this child - he died before the story begins, and the writer character has never actually known an Autistic child, she just makes up her story as influenced by other books she has read on the subject.
Thus, it is not really about a specific child, nor even about Autism, as much as it is about the grieving process and the writing process - most of the conversations these characters have are about the problems in their marriages, etc.
One of them is still grieving (with tremendous difficulty) the death of her child, re-reading her own journals (quoted above) as her way of finally confronting it all.
This book reminds me of the movie The Hawk Is Dying (see my review), wherein Normal people have difficulty grieving the death of an Autistic. The Autistic in The Hawk is Dying was not even part of the main story, he just coincidentally had Autism, is now dead, and the other characters are left to deal with it.
The book ends with the writer sharing her finnished manuscript with her circle of friends, all of whom think it is spectacular. The grieving woman is shocked to discover thet the story was very specifically about her own child none of them had even met; i.e., apparently the writer channeled the dead kid's spirit, thus he is the one who actually wrote the book as his way of helping his mother grieve.
Mostly tragic throughout (like I said, I cried 3 times), it was also a sweet story, and all ends well.
Autism had little to do with it, but was a running theme beneath the surface.
See my Grieving Process Lecture.
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More Laughing and Loving With Autism
by R Wayne Gilpin
This is part 2 of the "collection of real-life warm and humorous stories" about Autism.
The Cons:
R Wayne Gilpin was at 1 time the President of The Autism Society of America, but he has yet to figure out (after 14 years of "parenting" an Autistic child) thet Autism is an intestinal disorder. He says about his child, "Alex has 2 favorite meals; bacon cheeseburgers and Fettucini Alfredo." What a moron. He also tries to feed his kid bananas.
The Pros:
Part 1 of this series (reviewed above) consisted of single-paragraph snapshots of life with Autism. This issue consists mainly of whole page stories, thus it is more thought-provoking.
Each page is written by a different contributor, and some of them are not very good writers, and there are a few annoying typos, but the sentiment is there. All the stories are funny or sweet, and make you realize thet having a Special child makes you a better parent and teaches you a new definition of love.
Also, a percentage of the profit from the sales of this series go to The Autism Society.
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by R Wayne Gilpin
This is part 2 of the "collection of real-life warm and humorous stories" about Autism.
The Cons:
R Wayne Gilpin was at 1 time the President of The Autism Society of America, but he has yet to figure out (after 14 years of "parenting" an Autistic child) thet Autism is an intestinal disorder. He says about his child, "Alex has 2 favorite meals; bacon cheeseburgers and Fettucini Alfredo." What a moron. He also tries to feed his kid bananas.
The Pros:
Part 1 of this series (reviewed above) consisted of single-paragraph snapshots of life with Autism. This issue consists mainly of whole page stories, thus it is more thought-provoking.
Each page is written by a different contributor, and some of them are not very good writers, and there are a few annoying typos, but the sentiment is there. All the stories are funny or sweet, and make you realize thet having a Special child makes you a better parent and teaches you a new definition of love.
Also, a percentage of the profit from the sales of this series go to The Autism Society.
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More Than Little Professors
Children with Asperger's Syndrome in their own words
by Lisa Barrett Mann
This book sucks. I read it through twice and was very disappointed. It seems thet Lisa is simply trying to cash in on the Autism Fad by slopping together this crappy book. I expected it to actually consist of literary excellence by Asperger kids. It was nothing more than pointless yammering by some moron who does not have Aspergers nor a child of her own who does. The quotes from Asperger kids were merely 1-liners every 10 pages.
False advertising. Useless.
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Children with Asperger's Syndrome in their own words
by Lisa Barrett Mann
This book sucks. I read it through twice and was very disappointed. It seems thet Lisa is simply trying to cash in on the Autism Fad by slopping together this crappy book. I expected it to actually consist of literary excellence by Asperger kids. It was nothing more than pointless yammering by some moron who does not have Aspergers nor a child of her own who does. The quotes from Asperger kids were merely 1-liners every 10 pages.
False advertising. Useless.
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Mother Warriors
by Jenny McCarthy
The intro says: To all the warriors who have come before me and to all the warriors who will come after. Just know thet even though they might have silenced some of our children, they will never silence us. Our voices will shake the ground of those who were responsible until all of our children are safe from harm.
This gives the impression thet this book was written from a standpoint of vengeance, and it is payback time! Jenny does not disappoint. She lets-rip saying point-blank thet the medical profession is corrupt, or at least utterly incompetent, and thet vaccines outright cause Autism.
Genetics load the gun and environment pulls the trigger. Vaccines can cause Autism.
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) and the American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) are filled with doctors who's research, speaking engagements, and travel are funded by the manufacturers of vaccines.
Data gathered from the FDA's own web-site, shows the unbelievable difference between the acknowledged toxic dose for a baby, 20 micrograms, and the amount found in the Hepatitis B vaccine given on the day of birth, 250 micrograms. At 2 months of age, this same infant could receive immunizations containing as much as 1,875 micrograms of aluminum.
The instinct was to assume the issue had been properly researched and thet studies had been done on healthy infants to determine their ability to rapidly excrete aluminum. No studies have been done. None.
Dairy-free, Gluten-free, and sugar-free diets have succeeded far too many times for any doctor to claim that they are not "evidence-based."
Behavioral Therapy works; Hyperbaric Oxygen works; evaluation and treatment of intestinal infections can lead to lessening of symptoms and dramatic improvements in the quality of life for these children.
Jenny goes on the Oprah Show and talks about causes and treatments for Autism. The next day she went to answer the E-mails sent to her through Oprah's web-site but could not get on The Net. The entire server was crashed by it receiving 2,500 hits per second after her appearance on Oprah.
I knew the Show would have such an amazing impact, since no one until this point had spoken about vaccines and, more importantly, recovery!
No one believes he had anything wrong with him to begin with. People think these recovered children were mis-diagnosed. The reason recovery is considered controversial is because we are healing these kids by treating the injuries caused by the vaccines and environmental toxins rather than the Autism itself.
She suggests thet the reason doctors are terrified of detoxing metals from these kids is because it will prove thet the vaccines the doctor injected the kid with did in fact cause the Autism. This could result in Doc getting sued, so he flat-out lies and gives the kid another injection (of Mercury and Formaldehyde).
The same can be said for the Dental Profession; they know full-well the fillings in your teeth are made of 50% mercury, but if they admit it they could get sued, so they just lie and continue to put in even more mercury. See my review of the book Its All In Your Head which proves Multiple Sclerosis is caused by mercury poisoning from dental fillings.
After I finished my interview with Diane Sawyer, I got off the stage and said, "Who is in charge of teaching the pediatricians about how to heal these kids? I keep bitching on TV that no one is doing anything about these doctors, and I realized that I need to make it happen."
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has never met with DAN! (Defeat Autism Now!) Doctors and scientists - not once in 12 years. The medical community would discredit the information because treating disease is much more profitable than curing it.
Threatening public humiliation really does make an organization stay on its toes.
Stan asked him to help organize a group from the AAP to come and sit down with doctors and scientists from DAN!. The man on the phone kept diverting the discussion. So Stan kept repeating, "Can you imagine the magnitude of 12 years worth of information and the help that these kids could get if everyone were just on the same page? Can we start with common ground? We do not have to talk about metals like mercury or talk about chelation. Lets just start with diet and vitamins."
The man sighed and said, "Stan, there is no evidence to prove that diet helps Autism."
"Yes there is!" Stan said. "There are thousands of parents' testimonies, which are still evidence-based information."
The man said, "When is this meeting?"
Stan replied, "In about 3 weeks."
"Oh no. This is awfully close to a conference we are having on what pediatricians can do to regain the trust of parents, because we are in a crisis of parents not trusting their physicians."
I almost fell off the bed when I heard this, and I watched Stan's eyes nearly fall out of his head. Gee, I wonder why there is a crisis between physicians and moms. I knew their goal was to find a simpler way to force parents to accept the typical vaccine schedule.
Stan repeated his invitation. "Please. It has helped thousands of kids."
The man said, "The doctors you would want to come to this think-tank are all working. You are asking me to ask them to take a day off work [causing Autism]. That is a big deal."
Stan said, "Sir. I would much rather come to an agreement tonight before Jenny goes live on The View tomorrow morning."
He replied, "I will get back to you" [which he never did].
So Jenny goes on live TV and crucifies the corrupt AAP.
There needs to be a test for newborns to see if they are free from infection and fungus. We also need to make sure the child's Glutathione levels are high. If a child has low Glutathione, which most kids with Autism have, we should not vaccinate.
Someone from the AAP eventually came to the Autism convention.
Her beating around the bush was starting to annoy me. She was telling us thet if it was not in their medical journal, then nothing could be done. She told us to write a note to the AAP explaining our findings.
As I sat there with my mouth hanging open, I was in complete awe that this medical organization would not sit down and talk with the DAN! Doctors who were healing an epidemic. What kind of country is this? These kids are sick, and the American Academy of Pediatrics wants us to write them a letter? Shame on them!
She went on to say in the letter that these conditions are co-morbid with Autism, but not the cause of Autism. Stuff like Leaky Gut, infections, and metal toxins. Once I had addressed Evan's co-morbid conditions, the Autism healed. So she was asking us to cleverly disguise what we believe by saying that these conditions have nothing to do with causing Autism. Essentially she was asking us to lie. These co-morbid conditions clearly stem from vaccines, and God forbid we say co-morbid conditions cause Autism, because that would be a direct link to vaccines. [And they do not want this information to get out, for it would then blame them, resulting in them getting sued. So, as I said above, they just lie and inject your kid with another dose.]
The next chapter is titled, "At this point in time, the American Academy of Pediatrics sucks."
Tell it like it is, Jenny.
I typed in "Lymphoid Nodular Hyperplasia Autism." I had no idea there was a connection, but up came Dr Arthur Kringsman, and everything started getting better.
You can Google him and see thet the medical profession is terrified of him, doing everything they can to shut him up by declaring him a fraud. This proves he is not a fraud.
Next we have a chapter on Lisa Ackerman.
Who the hell is Lisa Ackerman? She is the Yoda of Autism moms. She knows everything about Autism. She knows every doctor and every treatment available, and knocks down any door to get what she wants. She is the one who can show you the way.
The setbacks began in June 1st, 1999. That is the day Jeff received the Chicken-pox and MMR vaccines in the same day. It was as if someone wiped out his brain. Jeff had been on antibiotics at the time, fighting his 6th ear infection. I had no idea you are not supposed to give children vaccines when they are sick or have a cold or are on antibiotics because the body cannot handle another type of assault. Not knowing Tylenol lowers Glutathione, I also gave him a Tylenol before we went so the shot would not hurt as much.
He had a weak enough immune system thet the Cold virus was in full force, was on anti-biotics for a milk-induced ear infection, and had just ingested Tylenol. At this point (during a "well-baby" visit!) the utterly incompetent Dr Frankenstein Mengele injected him with 4 live viruses! Gee, I wonder where Autism comes from.
Jeff had also received at least 125 micrograms of mercury through Themerosal, the preservative in the vaccines injected into him. Jeff needed to be a 400 pound man to assimilate 125 micrograms of mercury.
By the time non-verbal Jeff is 5 years old, they get him a Facilitated Communication Device. Once he learns 300 words, he starts to talk, in fact sing!
My name is Lisa Ackerman. You poisoned my kid. I want those years back.
By the time he is 6 years old, they get him an FM Auditory Trainer hearing-aid because his hearing was so sensitive; the sound of someone talking or even walking outside the classroom would be the same decibel level as the teacher talking inside the room.
This is a device thet can plug into your smart phone. It filters out background noise, so you only hear what is picked up by the hyper-directional microphone. You can see a demonstration of it at facstaff.uww.edu/bradleys/radio/fm/. I so wish I would have had 1 of these my whole life long, for (typical of those with CAPD) I cannot filter out background noise.
Audio Integration Therapy teaches your brain to naturally do what this device can do (Google The Georgiana Institute, then read my AIT page).
Lisa goes on to describe their wonderful experience with Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments. Glutathione (a vitamin thet Autistics need massive doses of) is a natural oxidizer. Giving an Autistic compressed oxygen is a concentrated version of what Glutathione does.
I began a support-group in my living room with only 10 parents. It quickly turned into 60 people, and my neighbors started complaining about the street being over-crowded with cars. The Diet Support Group changed their name to Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), and now has over 7,000 members in 15 chapters across the country.
Autism is treatable. Prepare to recover!
See Lisa's talkaboutcuringautism.org.
This is a good site for the a basic introduction to Autism. They make 1 blatant mistake, saying "We know very little about what causes Autism." Bullshit! We know exactly what causes Autism! But they do present the latest official statistics (as of March 2012) - thet 1 in 88 children in the USA today have Classic Autism. To my surprise this does not include PDD-NOS nor Aspergers!
They also present the basics (accurately) about what to do if you receive an Autism diagnosis. (See my Links page).
I know of some families thet purposely had another child so he or she could take care of the one with Autism after the parents are dead.
These parents are absolutely evil as far as I am concerned. It is the equivalent of having a second child to cannibalize as spare parts from for the previous child. Cutting parts out of a healthy child to "save" a sickly child is evil.
And consciously choosing to have a healthy child to serve as a slave for the weaker child is ethically of equal evil. See (my review of) the horrifying documentary My Flesh and Blood as a reference-point. Also see (my review of) The Sandwich Kid, about (enraged) siblings being made to "parent" their Special sibling, and how damaging this is to them. Also see (my review of) the movie Destiny.
Jenny presents many chapters contributed by other Autism moms:
I heard about Dr Lovaas, who was starting to implement treatment on kids with Autism. He was so depressing. He used to force the children to smell ammonia. They do not do that any more, now they reward the kids with candy they should not have. Lovaas had gone on to tell me thet my marriage was going to fail, and thet it was going to ruin my other son, and the best thing I could do for the whole family was to put Jack in an Institution.
Time had gone by, and Lovaas had come out with the beginnings of a "behavioral therapy", but the technique was to scream at the child.
I was grateful Becky was being so open about this real issue of sex thet the new generation of Autism has not had to deal with yet. These men will have sexual needs someday, and the fact they will not be socially sophisticated enough to know how to manipulate women like typical guys do for sex makes me wonder what the hell it is going to be like.
Being an Autistic male, I can tell you exactly what it is going to be like:
First of all I am disgusted with the above paragraph, stating thet men have sex by manipulating women into it. To the Normals, sex is a dirty joke, manipulation by weasels, or a big stupid game. I hate them.
I communicate via Pragmatic Language Disorder, as my way of trying to be emotionally available, resulting in them freaking-out and running away, because all women are afraid of intimacy.
Desperate loneliness made me stumble into love like a deer in headlights with whomever was on hand because I was desperate and she was there. I had such romantic notions about being in love. I thought women wanted romance, but they are all afraid of getting hurt, the wimps. I had to stumble into those oncoming headlights 7 times before I finally got the hint and gave up on romance at the age of 27. 7 times I fell in love with my "best friend", but I have never had an actual girlfriend.
Sexual frustration to the point of rage! On the very few occasions thet I did manage to become sexual with someone, they would all have a jolting personality-change whenever we actually got to bed, startling me to such extent I was totally lost as to what type of game sex was to women. All of them wanted to play-out the fantasy in their head of what it would be like to fuck their abusive fathers. To quote: "I am not made of glass" (said with a sneering resentment), "Why don't you slap me around like a real man" (said with a snotty antagonism), "You are too good to be true" (said with a red-faced shuddering rage because I would not beat her), "Why don't you hit me once in a while" (said with a passive/aggressive twerpy infant look on her face). And the typical female routine of silently getting this doe-eyed miserable martyr look on her face in her desperate desire to play the victim (during sex!). Then there are the sluts with their "Please fuck me so I can feel like I am good for something (whimper)" attitude. And the grand finale, "Do not talk to me - you are ruining it."
After I wisely gave up on sex, I had many dreams of women being naked zombies, the stench of rotting corpses and their pussies full of maggots, trying to "seduce" me with this resentful steely-eyed spite on their face as they scratch me with their long nails.
Ask me why today I literally do not give a fuck. I went hardcore MGTOW Monk 30 years ago.
All women are afraid of intelligent conversation and intellectual intimacy. All women are afraid of emotional vulnerability. All women are actually terrified of falling in love, for their pathetic little mouse hearts might get broken. All women are obsessed with seducing their abusive fathers, becoming sexually aroused by being "man-handled" brutally - resulting in me coming to the conclusion thet all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes. No woman is capable of carrying on a normal (to me) conversation (i.e., Pragmatic Language Disorder and Hyperlexic Aspie Little Professor lecturing), in fact they refuse to even make eye-contact or talk at all, even during sex!
And as for simply falling in love; twice they have said (with bitter resentment) thet I ruined our friendship by falling in love. No I did not. I have been in love with you for 2 months and I have not changed at all since then, other than to tell you so. I have not ruined our friendship, you did.
The thing thet makes me actually want to punch a woman in the head is when they sit in cunt-cult groups and whine to each other about how their men are not emotionally available. Meanwhile they are all terrified of my spill-my-guts-to-startled-strangers way of trying to connect with them, and my (to them, "extreme") emotional accessibility.
Women are simply not good for anything ... except to look at (if they are Mexican and half my age). Even then, I would not have sex with them if they asked me to (I do not need frostbite from a lunatic) - I just think they are pretty (objects to look at). And being Autistic, my mind does not separate objects from people, thus I have the same emotional response looking at a Buell motorcycle. I have no desire to stick my dick in a motorcycle either (I have already had my share of meat-grinders).
All women are irritating 8-year-olds with rape fantasies, S&M fetishes, Abused Woman Syndrome, and Munchausen Syndrome. I hate them.
I want to adopt a child to love, for I have long ago given up on women being lovable.
And that is what it is like to be an Autistic male. Go fuck yourself, I am not going to; worthless females.
Also see my review of Donna Williams' book Somebody Somewhere, wherein she (and I) talk about Autistic sex. Also see my Autistic Sex lecture.
Jenny continues:
When I pulled back the curtains on Autism Speaks I was shocked thet this organization does not stand behind those who believe in biomedical treatment for Autism. I was surprised to find that most of their research-money goes toward genetics, and nothing goes toward researching environmental components that could trigger Autism in kids who have genetic vulnerabilities. I was surprised thet the first time I went on the Autism Speaks web-site, there was no reference to the GF/CF Diet. I was surprised there was no mention of DAN! Doctors.
It is the researchers and scientists on Autism Speaks who will not support biomedical research. They make a great little niche for themselves. They get tons of money to do eye-gazing and brain-mapping. They have spent hundreds of millions and done nothing. Where are the results?
Moms are not saying we need more gene research! They are saying we need more research into Leaky Gut and rashes and crazy allergies and all the food stuff. Science is too slow, and scientists never spend time with the parents. They spend their whole careers just doing gene studies.
Kids are having rage-attacks, flapping their hands, and spinning in circles - all of which is the reaction to a food allergy! - while scientists are peering through microscopes. Duuuh.
They kept sending me this dumb letter, and it is so stupid. It said, "We are doing everything possible to get to the bottom of this horrible disease." It is not a disease, and They are doing nothing except covering their asses.
Dr David Tayloe from the AAP was telling me how sometimes the parents at his practice do not bring their children in on time for their wellness visits; they only bring the kids in when they are sick, so he has to play catch-up and inject them with all the vaccines they had missed. Playing catch-up with vaccines while the kids were sick! The biggest recipe for disaster. The phrase he used was, "Grab 'em and stab 'em."
This man is the president of the American Academy of Pediatrics! God help us all.
As early as 1981 there was medical literature talking about treatments and the reversal of Autism. How the fuck doesn't everybody know this? All you have to do is type in "viruses and Autism" and you will find these cases. Viruses and other infections can trigger Autism and so can toxins like those in vaccines.
Studies have found thet children with Autism are 16 times more likely to have Mycoplasma, Chlamydia, or Herpes 6. There are also studies thet show thet viral infections cause toxic metals to move to the brain, and bacterial infection in their guts can make toxins like mercury even more toxic.
Jenny recommends www.recoveryvideos.com. See my Links page.
Dear Jenny.
My son Branson was perfectly fine until I took him to the doctor. They gave him his shots on the day after his first birthday. At 15 months the slide to Hell began. He lost his speech, his ability to point or imitate. He lost his sense of balance, his eye-contact, and all of his pain-receptors. He lost most of his muscle-tone, and then tragically he lost himself. He had diarrhea for 6 months straight and would scratch himself all over until he bled. His behavior became wild, and he no longer would turn in response to his own name. The diagnosis for my only child: Regressive Autism.
Dear Jenny.
I brought my son Elias for his 4-month wellness appointment. When the nurse stuck him with the needle he stiffened up like a board and screamed. My husband asked, "What did you give him?", and they ran down the list: 4 shots for 9 different diseases. My husband said, "That would kill an elephant."
This child went into 45 convulsions and ended up with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS.
When did people become so trusting of government organizations or even paramedical companies? Sooner or later these organizations become corrupt. It is inevitable. Remember they told us smoking was good for our health? Remember they told us Autism was caused by emotionally cold mothers? [Remember they said DDT was harmless to humans.] How many times have medications [like Thalidomide] come onto the market, deemed safe, and then pulled off the market owing to major side effects? Are we to believe thet all 36 vaccinations given now are all safe? Give me a break! Are we supposed to believe thet these shots are one-size-fits-all? or thet every child is born with a perfect immune system? Wake the hell up America, and think hard about the logic in this.
In the meantime, I hope mothers across America will join me in our fight to change this insane vaccine schedule, and demand thet they green our vaccines. Enough is enough.
See my review of the book A Shot In The Dark, which explains thet green vaccines will destroy you just as fast as our current ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by Jenny McCarthy
The intro says: To all the warriors who have come before me and to all the warriors who will come after. Just know thet even though they might have silenced some of our children, they will never silence us. Our voices will shake the ground of those who were responsible until all of our children are safe from harm.
This gives the impression thet this book was written from a standpoint of vengeance, and it is payback time! Jenny does not disappoint. She lets-rip saying point-blank thet the medical profession is corrupt, or at least utterly incompetent, and thet vaccines outright cause Autism.
Genetics load the gun and environment pulls the trigger. Vaccines can cause Autism.
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) and the American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) are filled with doctors who's research, speaking engagements, and travel are funded by the manufacturers of vaccines.
Data gathered from the FDA's own web-site, shows the unbelievable difference between the acknowledged toxic dose for a baby, 20 micrograms, and the amount found in the Hepatitis B vaccine given on the day of birth, 250 micrograms. At 2 months of age, this same infant could receive immunizations containing as much as 1,875 micrograms of aluminum.
The instinct was to assume the issue had been properly researched and thet studies had been done on healthy infants to determine their ability to rapidly excrete aluminum. No studies have been done. None.
Dairy-free, Gluten-free, and sugar-free diets have succeeded far too many times for any doctor to claim that they are not "evidence-based."
Behavioral Therapy works; Hyperbaric Oxygen works; evaluation and treatment of intestinal infections can lead to lessening of symptoms and dramatic improvements in the quality of life for these children.
Jenny goes on the Oprah Show and talks about causes and treatments for Autism. The next day she went to answer the E-mails sent to her through Oprah's web-site but could not get on The Net. The entire server was crashed by it receiving 2,500 hits per second after her appearance on Oprah.
I knew the Show would have such an amazing impact, since no one until this point had spoken about vaccines and, more importantly, recovery!
No one believes he had anything wrong with him to begin with. People think these recovered children were mis-diagnosed. The reason recovery is considered controversial is because we are healing these kids by treating the injuries caused by the vaccines and environmental toxins rather than the Autism itself.
She suggests thet the reason doctors are terrified of detoxing metals from these kids is because it will prove thet the vaccines the doctor injected the kid with did in fact cause the Autism. This could result in Doc getting sued, so he flat-out lies and gives the kid another injection (of Mercury and Formaldehyde).
The same can be said for the Dental Profession; they know full-well the fillings in your teeth are made of 50% mercury, but if they admit it they could get sued, so they just lie and continue to put in even more mercury. See my review of the book Its All In Your Head which proves Multiple Sclerosis is caused by mercury poisoning from dental fillings.
After I finished my interview with Diane Sawyer, I got off the stage and said, "Who is in charge of teaching the pediatricians about how to heal these kids? I keep bitching on TV that no one is doing anything about these doctors, and I realized that I need to make it happen."
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has never met with DAN! (Defeat Autism Now!) Doctors and scientists - not once in 12 years. The medical community would discredit the information because treating disease is much more profitable than curing it.
Threatening public humiliation really does make an organization stay on its toes.
Stan asked him to help organize a group from the AAP to come and sit down with doctors and scientists from DAN!. The man on the phone kept diverting the discussion. So Stan kept repeating, "Can you imagine the magnitude of 12 years worth of information and the help that these kids could get if everyone were just on the same page? Can we start with common ground? We do not have to talk about metals like mercury or talk about chelation. Lets just start with diet and vitamins."
The man sighed and said, "Stan, there is no evidence to prove that diet helps Autism."
"Yes there is!" Stan said. "There are thousands of parents' testimonies, which are still evidence-based information."
The man said, "When is this meeting?"
Stan replied, "In about 3 weeks."
"Oh no. This is awfully close to a conference we are having on what pediatricians can do to regain the trust of parents, because we are in a crisis of parents not trusting their physicians."
I almost fell off the bed when I heard this, and I watched Stan's eyes nearly fall out of his head. Gee, I wonder why there is a crisis between physicians and moms. I knew their goal was to find a simpler way to force parents to accept the typical vaccine schedule.
Stan repeated his invitation. "Please. It has helped thousands of kids."
The man said, "The doctors you would want to come to this think-tank are all working. You are asking me to ask them to take a day off work [causing Autism]. That is a big deal."
Stan said, "Sir. I would much rather come to an agreement tonight before Jenny goes live on The View tomorrow morning."
He replied, "I will get back to you" [which he never did].
So Jenny goes on live TV and crucifies the corrupt AAP.
There needs to be a test for newborns to see if they are free from infection and fungus. We also need to make sure the child's Glutathione levels are high. If a child has low Glutathione, which most kids with Autism have, we should not vaccinate.
Someone from the AAP eventually came to the Autism convention.
Her beating around the bush was starting to annoy me. She was telling us thet if it was not in their medical journal, then nothing could be done. She told us to write a note to the AAP explaining our findings.
As I sat there with my mouth hanging open, I was in complete awe that this medical organization would not sit down and talk with the DAN! Doctors who were healing an epidemic. What kind of country is this? These kids are sick, and the American Academy of Pediatrics wants us to write them a letter? Shame on them!
She went on to say in the letter that these conditions are co-morbid with Autism, but not the cause of Autism. Stuff like Leaky Gut, infections, and metal toxins. Once I had addressed Evan's co-morbid conditions, the Autism healed. So she was asking us to cleverly disguise what we believe by saying that these conditions have nothing to do with causing Autism. Essentially she was asking us to lie. These co-morbid conditions clearly stem from vaccines, and God forbid we say co-morbid conditions cause Autism, because that would be a direct link to vaccines. [And they do not want this information to get out, for it would then blame them, resulting in them getting sued. So, as I said above, they just lie and inject your kid with another dose.]
The next chapter is titled, "At this point in time, the American Academy of Pediatrics sucks."
Tell it like it is, Jenny.
I typed in "Lymphoid Nodular Hyperplasia Autism." I had no idea there was a connection, but up came Dr Arthur Kringsman, and everything started getting better.
You can Google him and see thet the medical profession is terrified of him, doing everything they can to shut him up by declaring him a fraud. This proves he is not a fraud.
Next we have a chapter on Lisa Ackerman.
Who the hell is Lisa Ackerman? She is the Yoda of Autism moms. She knows everything about Autism. She knows every doctor and every treatment available, and knocks down any door to get what she wants. She is the one who can show you the way.
The setbacks began in June 1st, 1999. That is the day Jeff received the Chicken-pox and MMR vaccines in the same day. It was as if someone wiped out his brain. Jeff had been on antibiotics at the time, fighting his 6th ear infection. I had no idea you are not supposed to give children vaccines when they are sick or have a cold or are on antibiotics because the body cannot handle another type of assault. Not knowing Tylenol lowers Glutathione, I also gave him a Tylenol before we went so the shot would not hurt as much.
He had a weak enough immune system thet the Cold virus was in full force, was on anti-biotics for a milk-induced ear infection, and had just ingested Tylenol. At this point (during a "well-baby" visit!) the utterly incompetent Dr Frankenstein Mengele injected him with 4 live viruses! Gee, I wonder where Autism comes from.
Jeff had also received at least 125 micrograms of mercury through Themerosal, the preservative in the vaccines injected into him. Jeff needed to be a 400 pound man to assimilate 125 micrograms of mercury.
By the time non-verbal Jeff is 5 years old, they get him a Facilitated Communication Device. Once he learns 300 words, he starts to talk, in fact sing!
My name is Lisa Ackerman. You poisoned my kid. I want those years back.
By the time he is 6 years old, they get him an FM Auditory Trainer hearing-aid because his hearing was so sensitive; the sound of someone talking or even walking outside the classroom would be the same decibel level as the teacher talking inside the room.
This is a device thet can plug into your smart phone. It filters out background noise, so you only hear what is picked up by the hyper-directional microphone. You can see a demonstration of it at facstaff.uww.edu/bradleys/radio/fm/. I so wish I would have had 1 of these my whole life long, for (typical of those with CAPD) I cannot filter out background noise.
Audio Integration Therapy teaches your brain to naturally do what this device can do (Google The Georgiana Institute, then read my AIT page).
Lisa goes on to describe their wonderful experience with Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments. Glutathione (a vitamin thet Autistics need massive doses of) is a natural oxidizer. Giving an Autistic compressed oxygen is a concentrated version of what Glutathione does.
I began a support-group in my living room with only 10 parents. It quickly turned into 60 people, and my neighbors started complaining about the street being over-crowded with cars. The Diet Support Group changed their name to Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), and now has over 7,000 members in 15 chapters across the country.
Autism is treatable. Prepare to recover!
See Lisa's talkaboutcuringautism.org.
This is a good site for the a basic introduction to Autism. They make 1 blatant mistake, saying "We know very little about what causes Autism." Bullshit! We know exactly what causes Autism! But they do present the latest official statistics (as of March 2012) - thet 1 in 88 children in the USA today have Classic Autism. To my surprise this does not include PDD-NOS nor Aspergers!
They also present the basics (accurately) about what to do if you receive an Autism diagnosis. (See my Links page).
I know of some families thet purposely had another child so he or she could take care of the one with Autism after the parents are dead.
These parents are absolutely evil as far as I am concerned. It is the equivalent of having a second child to cannibalize as spare parts from for the previous child. Cutting parts out of a healthy child to "save" a sickly child is evil.
And consciously choosing to have a healthy child to serve as a slave for the weaker child is ethically of equal evil. See (my review of) the horrifying documentary My Flesh and Blood as a reference-point. Also see (my review of) The Sandwich Kid, about (enraged) siblings being made to "parent" their Special sibling, and how damaging this is to them. Also see (my review of) the movie Destiny.
Jenny presents many chapters contributed by other Autism moms:
I heard about Dr Lovaas, who was starting to implement treatment on kids with Autism. He was so depressing. He used to force the children to smell ammonia. They do not do that any more, now they reward the kids with candy they should not have. Lovaas had gone on to tell me thet my marriage was going to fail, and thet it was going to ruin my other son, and the best thing I could do for the whole family was to put Jack in an Institution.
Time had gone by, and Lovaas had come out with the beginnings of a "behavioral therapy", but the technique was to scream at the child.
I was grateful Becky was being so open about this real issue of sex thet the new generation of Autism has not had to deal with yet. These men will have sexual needs someday, and the fact they will not be socially sophisticated enough to know how to manipulate women like typical guys do for sex makes me wonder what the hell it is going to be like.
Being an Autistic male, I can tell you exactly what it is going to be like:
First of all I am disgusted with the above paragraph, stating thet men have sex by manipulating women into it. To the Normals, sex is a dirty joke, manipulation by weasels, or a big stupid game. I hate them.
I communicate via Pragmatic Language Disorder, as my way of trying to be emotionally available, resulting in them freaking-out and running away, because all women are afraid of intimacy.
Desperate loneliness made me stumble into love like a deer in headlights with whomever was on hand because I was desperate and she was there. I had such romantic notions about being in love. I thought women wanted romance, but they are all afraid of getting hurt, the wimps. I had to stumble into those oncoming headlights 7 times before I finally got the hint and gave up on romance at the age of 27. 7 times I fell in love with my "best friend", but I have never had an actual girlfriend.
Sexual frustration to the point of rage! On the very few occasions thet I did manage to become sexual with someone, they would all have a jolting personality-change whenever we actually got to bed, startling me to such extent I was totally lost as to what type of game sex was to women. All of them wanted to play-out the fantasy in their head of what it would be like to fuck their abusive fathers. To quote: "I am not made of glass" (said with a sneering resentment), "Why don't you slap me around like a real man" (said with a snotty antagonism), "You are too good to be true" (said with a red-faced shuddering rage because I would not beat her), "Why don't you hit me once in a while" (said with a passive/aggressive twerpy infant look on her face). And the typical female routine of silently getting this doe-eyed miserable martyr look on her face in her desperate desire to play the victim (during sex!). Then there are the sluts with their "Please fuck me so I can feel like I am good for something (whimper)" attitude. And the grand finale, "Do not talk to me - you are ruining it."
After I wisely gave up on sex, I had many dreams of women being naked zombies, the stench of rotting corpses and their pussies full of maggots, trying to "seduce" me with this resentful steely-eyed spite on their face as they scratch me with their long nails.
Ask me why today I literally do not give a fuck. I went hardcore MGTOW Monk 30 years ago.
All women are afraid of intelligent conversation and intellectual intimacy. All women are afraid of emotional vulnerability. All women are actually terrified of falling in love, for their pathetic little mouse hearts might get broken. All women are obsessed with seducing their abusive fathers, becoming sexually aroused by being "man-handled" brutally - resulting in me coming to the conclusion thet all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes. No woman is capable of carrying on a normal (to me) conversation (i.e., Pragmatic Language Disorder and Hyperlexic Aspie Little Professor lecturing), in fact they refuse to even make eye-contact or talk at all, even during sex!
And as for simply falling in love; twice they have said (with bitter resentment) thet I ruined our friendship by falling in love. No I did not. I have been in love with you for 2 months and I have not changed at all since then, other than to tell you so. I have not ruined our friendship, you did.
The thing thet makes me actually want to punch a woman in the head is when they sit in cunt-cult groups and whine to each other about how their men are not emotionally available. Meanwhile they are all terrified of my spill-my-guts-to-startled-strangers way of trying to connect with them, and my (to them, "extreme") emotional accessibility.
Women are simply not good for anything ... except to look at (if they are Mexican and half my age). Even then, I would not have sex with them if they asked me to (I do not need frostbite from a lunatic) - I just think they are pretty (objects to look at). And being Autistic, my mind does not separate objects from people, thus I have the same emotional response looking at a Buell motorcycle. I have no desire to stick my dick in a motorcycle either (I have already had my share of meat-grinders).
All women are irritating 8-year-olds with rape fantasies, S&M fetishes, Abused Woman Syndrome, and Munchausen Syndrome. I hate them.
I want to adopt a child to love, for I have long ago given up on women being lovable.
And that is what it is like to be an Autistic male. Go fuck yourself, I am not going to; worthless females.
Also see my review of Donna Williams' book Somebody Somewhere, wherein she (and I) talk about Autistic sex. Also see my Autistic Sex lecture.
Jenny continues:
When I pulled back the curtains on Autism Speaks I was shocked thet this organization does not stand behind those who believe in biomedical treatment for Autism. I was surprised to find that most of their research-money goes toward genetics, and nothing goes toward researching environmental components that could trigger Autism in kids who have genetic vulnerabilities. I was surprised thet the first time I went on the Autism Speaks web-site, there was no reference to the GF/CF Diet. I was surprised there was no mention of DAN! Doctors.
It is the researchers and scientists on Autism Speaks who will not support biomedical research. They make a great little niche for themselves. They get tons of money to do eye-gazing and brain-mapping. They have spent hundreds of millions and done nothing. Where are the results?
Moms are not saying we need more gene research! They are saying we need more research into Leaky Gut and rashes and crazy allergies and all the food stuff. Science is too slow, and scientists never spend time with the parents. They spend their whole careers just doing gene studies.
Kids are having rage-attacks, flapping their hands, and spinning in circles - all of which is the reaction to a food allergy! - while scientists are peering through microscopes. Duuuh.
They kept sending me this dumb letter, and it is so stupid. It said, "We are doing everything possible to get to the bottom of this horrible disease." It is not a disease, and They are doing nothing except covering their asses.
Dr David Tayloe from the AAP was telling me how sometimes the parents at his practice do not bring their children in on time for their wellness visits; they only bring the kids in when they are sick, so he has to play catch-up and inject them with all the vaccines they had missed. Playing catch-up with vaccines while the kids were sick! The biggest recipe for disaster. The phrase he used was, "Grab 'em and stab 'em."
This man is the president of the American Academy of Pediatrics! God help us all.
As early as 1981 there was medical literature talking about treatments and the reversal of Autism. How the fuck doesn't everybody know this? All you have to do is type in "viruses and Autism" and you will find these cases. Viruses and other infections can trigger Autism and so can toxins like those in vaccines.
Studies have found thet children with Autism are 16 times more likely to have Mycoplasma, Chlamydia, or Herpes 6. There are also studies thet show thet viral infections cause toxic metals to move to the brain, and bacterial infection in their guts can make toxins like mercury even more toxic.
Jenny recommends www.recoveryvideos.com. See my Links page.
Dear Jenny.
My son Branson was perfectly fine until I took him to the doctor. They gave him his shots on the day after his first birthday. At 15 months the slide to Hell began. He lost his speech, his ability to point or imitate. He lost his sense of balance, his eye-contact, and all of his pain-receptors. He lost most of his muscle-tone, and then tragically he lost himself. He had diarrhea for 6 months straight and would scratch himself all over until he bled. His behavior became wild, and he no longer would turn in response to his own name. The diagnosis for my only child: Regressive Autism.
Dear Jenny.
I brought my son Elias for his 4-month wellness appointment. When the nurse stuck him with the needle he stiffened up like a board and screamed. My husband asked, "What did you give him?", and they ran down the list: 4 shots for 9 different diseases. My husband said, "That would kill an elephant."
This child went into 45 convulsions and ended up with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS.
When did people become so trusting of government organizations or even paramedical companies? Sooner or later these organizations become corrupt. It is inevitable. Remember they told us smoking was good for our health? Remember they told us Autism was caused by emotionally cold mothers? [Remember they said DDT was harmless to humans.] How many times have medications [like Thalidomide] come onto the market, deemed safe, and then pulled off the market owing to major side effects? Are we to believe thet all 36 vaccinations given now are all safe? Give me a break! Are we supposed to believe thet these shots are one-size-fits-all? or thet every child is born with a perfect immune system? Wake the hell up America, and think hard about the logic in this.
In the meantime, I hope mothers across America will join me in our fight to change this insane vaccine schedule, and demand thet they green our vaccines. Enough is enough.
See my review of the book A Shot In The Dark, which explains thet green vaccines will destroy you just as fast as our current ones.
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Naturally Recovering Autism
The complete step-by-step resource handbook for parents
by Karen Thomas
Karen has a web-site for this book: www.naturallyhealingautism.com.
She has been “with the health-field” for 30 years – specifically as a Sacral Cranial Therapist.
She says Autism is a biological disorder, not a mental illness, and can therefore be healed. It is crucial thet we heal the causes, not mask the symptoms.
Too much information tends to overwhelm those who are already overwhelmed, thus she keeps her writing style clear and concise.
As of the printing of this book, 2014, the CDC has stated thet 1 in 68 children in the USA have Autism, and they project a possible future of 1 in 2 by 2025. They also say they came up with the 1 in 68 figure by averaging out their statistic thet 1 in every 42 boys have it, compared to 1 in every 189 girls.
I do not believe it is that much more prevalent in boys. I think it is just harder to diagnose in girls.
Her favorite Autism book is A Parent’s Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome and High Functioning Autism. This book allowed her to diagnose her child herself. He had chronic intestinal pain, so now thet she knew what was wrong she took him to her doctor and asked for a blood test. The “doctor” of course knew nothing whatsoever and thus refused to do a blood test. Mom pleaded for one, and the doctor said “If you do not trust your doctor then you should find a new one!” So she took her child to the hospital, where she explained to the Attending physician what had happened with her previous doctor. So the Attending called the previous doctor, and this resulted in the Attending to also refuse to do a blood test. As it turned out, doctors are in a conspiracy and will not give a second opinion if it contradicts some other doctor’s orders. Two different doctors flat refused to treat this child!
This is why I am sick of reviewing books. In every 1 the writer tells of their experience dealing with the depraved indifference-I-mean-medical profession. Every book makes me angry, and I am sick of being angry. In this day and age, why don’t people know the medical profession is nothing but a puppet whore of the pharmaceutical industry?
So Karen next tried muscle testing.
From here she discovers the book Touch For Health by Dr John Thie. This book advocates a drug-free approach, and reflex stimulation methods.
Through this Karen discovered thet her 11-year-old was having a constant allergic reaction to the Measles vaccine he had received as a baby.
Next she tried NAET.
She introduces us to Autism One radio, something I had never heard of.
Karen packs so much information into this book without it becoming overwhelming; i.e., she explains the basics of a subject for 1 page, then refers you to a web-site wherein the subject is elaborated on greatly, making this book a guide to finding further information, rather than an overwhelming catalog of details. 1 of my favorites of the many she recommended being www.klinghardtacademy.com.
She also talks about teeth, and how the bacteria in your mouth can be passed to someone else, causing cavities. I am especially aware of how the mercury fillings in teeth are some of the most damaging things medical quackery (I almost called them “the profession”) has ever come up with.
She recommends Xylitol toothpaste, and tells us where to find mercury-free dentists.
I brush my teeth with baking soda and rinse with hydrogen peroxide. My teeth are very white and are so clean they squeak.
Karen’s main focus professionally is Sacral Cranial Therapy. She says she has found thet the majority of her patients with Autism or ADHD have the same specific bones misplaced in their skull.
She goes into elaborate detail explaining Hyperbaric Oxygen, stating point-blank which types work wonders and which are frauds; and as usual directs us to a web-site which explains many details not listed in this book.
She recommends Tomatis AIT. I do not. Berard is the one you should use; Tomatis is a fraud. See my AIT page for details.
Autistic Vision is a web-site thet compiles many articles about Visual Processing Disorders.
Books recommended: The Out-of-Sync Child, More Than Words, and Social Thinking.
She states point-blank thet Vaccines cause Autism. If she did not, I would dismiss her as incompetent.
She explains how Glutathion can alleviate symptoms of some Genetic Mutations, and goes into detail explaining, or at least listing, many of the illnesses we do not usually consider to be of genetic origin. This was enlightening.
She continues to impress me more and more with every page. Even at this early stage in the book I am considering it to be as important to read as Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD (see my glowing review).
Children on the Autism Spectrum always have an imbalance in gut flora or gut bacteria. One of the biggest problems is Candida or Yeast. The toxins released by the Yeast are very harmful to the liver.
I know Antibiotics kill our intestinal flora, which allows a Yeast overgrowth, which eats holes in the gut causing Leakey Gut Syndrome, which creates food allergies. I did not know it also harms the liver.
She goes into a lot of detail explaining how to cleans the liver, and mentions thet gall-stones expelled from the liver can lodge in the intestines, causing a whole new problem.
There are a lot of details presented in this book which explain common Autistic health problems we do not usually recognize as symptoms of Autism.
85 - 90% of Autistics have reduced Methylation. Methylation is required to produce Glutathion, and this is why all Autistics have a Glutathion deficiency.
Glutathion is especially needed to remove heavy metal toxicity such as those from vaccines.
She references Dr Andrew Wakefield (see my review of the movie Hear the Silence).
There is a lot of talk about Iodine imbalances and how it affects Thyroid function.
When detoxifying it is important to know that toxins are either natural or synthetic. Natural toxins, such as mold, are negatively charged. Synthetic toxins, such as pesticides, are positively charged. The detoxifying agent must be of the opposite charge.
This reminds me thet the mercury fillings in your teeth can be both negatively and positively charged and must be removed in a specific order according to the charge. See my review of the book Its All In Your Head.
She explains thet Candida can pass through the placenta, thus if mom has a Yeast overgrowth she can pass it on to her baby even before it is born, thus explaining how babies can be born with Thrush.
She recommends breast-feeding for 2 years. Instead Westerners usually wean their babies at 1 year. By then the child has already received vaccines, and are thus doomed.
There are many references to assorted cure-all treatments most of us, even I, had not heard of; Cistus Tea, Propolis, and Mumosa Pudica for example.
80% of Americans have parasites.
She talks a lot about Staph, Strep, and Lyme.
Spinal Meningitis is actually caused by Yeast.
She repeats word-for-word what I said about Yeast leading to Leaky Gut leading to food allergies.
Mercury is known to inhibit the human body’s ability to kill Candida.
She sings the praises of Grapefruit seed extract; I vigorously concur.
Mix 6 drops of Grapefruit seed extract with 2 oz of purified water. Put that into the medicine cup of your Nebulizer. Inhale through your nose and out your mouth. It kills viruses in your resperatory system.
95% of children with Autism show deficiency in sulfates. Sulfate helps give Glutathion antioxidant strength and assists in detoxification.
Cow’s milk is known to promote Leaky Gut.
One in every four Autistic children test positive for Lyme disease. Lyme can also be transmitted during sexual contact, through breast milk, and in utero.
Proper nutrition may have the greatest effect on protection from disease. By strengthening the body’s defense, nutrition can override many genetic triggers. The reverse effect can come from negative signals such as the genetic susceptibility to juvenile Diabetes, which often occurs after exposure to a virus, cow’s milk, or the excitotoxin Monosodium Glutamate. These can turn on the signal for the Diabetes gene. Without a trigger the disease may never arise.
One study showing thet genes can be changed showed mice, fat and yellow, being fed folic acid, B12, choline, and betaine. This affected their genes and they gave birth to skinny brown offspring.
Rats were fed potatoes loaded with GMO. In as little as 10 days the lining of their stomach and entire digestive tract was much thinner and weakened. These are comparable to the symptoms of children on the Autism Spectrum, and 1 reason why Leaky Gut is so common among them.
The EPA reports thet the average American consumes 4 pounds of pesticides each year, and over 3,000 chemical additives can be found in our food. A study revealed that the children of women exposed to a type of pesticide known as Organophosphates were 60% more likely to be diagnosed with Autism than those who were not.
Between 1910 and 1970, Americans went from eating 83% animal fats down to 62%. During this time period the consumption of sugars and processed foods increased by 60%. The consumption of butter went from 18 pounds per person per year down to 4 pounds. We have been falsely taught that fats are bad for us. Unfortunately this caused the consumption of vegetable oils and refined oils to increase by 400%.
Mother’s milk contains 50% fat, mostly saturated. Brain development relies on saturated fat and Cholesterol. Why would The American Heart Association recommend low fat, low cholesterol diets for children? It is just plain wrong.
She talks a long time about Hypoglycemia and all the new natural treatments you can use to help alleviate it. She does not however mention thet it is caused by the Tetanus shot, which it is.
Then comes Diabetes. This part of the book goes on for 13 pages, and was very enlightening about how it is caused by, and can be cured with, diet alone.
Drinking cow’s milk before the age of 2 is known to be 1 of the causes of Juvenile Diabetes.
There has been a 17-fold increase in Type 1 Diabetes, from 1 in 7,100 children in 1950 to 1 in 400 today. This correlates with the increase in the number of vaccinations.
Then she goes on to explain “Eating for your metabolic type”. And as usual directs us to a few web-sites for further elaboration.
I would like to personally elaborate on this subject by directing you to the excellent book Eat Right For Your Type (see my review).
Do not purchase any supplements that contain additives and fillers. One of the most commonly used additives is Magnesium Sterate. It is used to prevent the ingredients from sticking to the equipment during production. It is dangerous for humans because it can prevent absorption of nutrients, may be harmful to the intestines, and weakens the immune system. Read the entire label, including the part at the bottom that says “Other ingredients”.
Krill oil is better than fish oil. It contains all the benefits of DHA and EPA, but is more absorptive due to its phospholipid structure.
The fats in our cells are phospholipids, which means the fatty acids have the same chemical make-up as the cells in our body. This makes Krill oil more bioavailable.
Magnesium is necessary for producing over 300 enzymatic reactions.
3 studies have shown that using folic acid before conception lowers the risk of Autism by about 40%.
Spontaneous nose-bleeds are allergic reactions. Period. But Karen says those who suffer from them are often deficient in Vitamin K as well.
DMG and TMG are most important in the process of methylation. They are necessary for the production of Glutathion and are effective in detoxifying heavy metals from the body.
Some call it “Flu Season.” I call it Low Vitamin D Season. Glutathion cannot do its job if there is not enough Vitamin D.
B6, K2, D3, Glutathion, Selenium, and Magnesium are mandatory supplements for Autistics.
Enzymes must be working properly to attach to the free radical and neutralize it. Most oral Glutathione supplements are destroyed by our digestive system.
There is 1 oral liquid Glutathione known to have strong bioflaviability. This is called Lipoceutical Glitathion, or Redisorb.
Inflammation damages the blood/brain barrier. This is the brain’s protective shield against toxins. The most common disorders caused by inflammation are Anxiety, Obsessive Personality Disorder, and Compulsive Behavior Disorder.
Up to 80% of the immune system is built in the gastrointestinal tract.
Probiotic products taken in the billions can create an autoimmune reaction in individuals who have an autoimmune disorder. The body may attribute too many organisms as an invasion and see it as a threat, and this could cause a negative immune reaction.
The American Psychiatric Association endorses fish oil for use in psychiatric illnesses.
Sea Plankton is a good source of Omega 3 fatty acids from a plant source.
Chia seeds are another source of Omega 3 fatty acids, with about 8 times more Omega 3s than salmon. They are also loaded with antioxidants and fiber.
Artificial food colorings:
FD&C dyes are not safe.
Blue #2 has been known to cause brain tumors.
Red #2, the most commonly used dye, shows increased immune system tumors, hypersensitive allergic reactions, triggers hyperactivity, and causes bladder tumors.
Red #3 was noted by the FDA as a Thyroid carcinogen and banned from use in cosmetics … but it is still allowed in food!
Green #3 causes bladder tumors.
Yellow #5 causes Asthma and Hyperactivity.
Yellow #6 causes adrenal tumors.
For more information see www.feingold.com.
Electro Magnetic Radiation:
The EMR in a pregnant woman’s bedroom can increase the risk of her baby developing Autism. Molds are also known to increase the release of biotoxins by 600 times when in the presence of EMR pollution.
For 30% of children who have used a cell phone by the age of 7, the incidents of behavioral problems was 80% higher.
Fluoride increases the absorption of lead.
The number of chemicals has increased to over 84,000, but the EPA only requires testing on about 200.
Those who live in houses with vinyl floors are twice as likely to have a child with Autism.
The recycle numbers on plastic bottles are indicators of the compounds of which they are made. Numbers 1, 3, 6, and 7 are ones we do not want to use.
A study in England showed that the average woman puts 515 synthetic chemicals on her body every day.
There are 100,000 new cases of Autism every year in the USA. 1 in every 50 families in the USA has a child with Autism.
The most common heavy metals are mercury, cadmium, lead, aluminum, and fluoride.
The vapors from mercury amalgam fillings in the mouth can degrade the strength of the immune system by half.
Mercury also binds with Candida to resist its removal from the system. Mercury prevents the body from killing Candida. And it can act as an antennae in the body for electromagnetic field radiation.
Statistics:
Year Vaccines Mercury levels Autism cases
1985 10 135 mcgs 1 in 2,500
1996 12 246 mcgs 1 in 350
2014 36 unknown 1 in 68
In 1999 studies showed that multi-dose vaccines, such as MMR, contained 62.5 ug of Mercury in 1 individual appointment with a pediatrician. This is 100 times the EPA “safe” limit for infants.
A dental drilling can release as much as 4,000 ug of Mercury.
Mercury emissions from coal-fired power-plants, natural gas, and petroleum products release 5,000 tons of Mercury into the atmosphere every year.
The brain and kidneys retain the most Mercury. Mercury primarily attacks the cerebellar region of the brain. Long-term exposure affects:
The Amygdala, the centers for fight-or-flight
The Neurocortex, affecting sensory integration, motor control, spacial awareness, language, and conscious thought.
The temproral lobes, which are responsible for visual memory, emotion, and language comprehension.
Sound familiar?
Selenium protects against Mercury toxicity.
Reduce the intake of pecans and berries, because they contain gallic acid, and apples which contain chlorogenic acid which assists aluminum’s absorption into the cells.
There are over 25 human studies and 100 animal studies connecting fluoride to brain damage and lowered IQ.
Fluoride damages the hippocampus, which is responsible for regulating emotions, behavior, learning, memory, and spacial awareness. It is the primary part of the brain affected by those with Alzheimer’s.
Vaccines:
Since the human detoxification pathways are not fully set until the age of 3, then why are viruses, preservatives, mercury, and aluminum being used in early childhood vaccines?
The number of vaccinations recommended by the CDC has tripled in the last 2 decades.
Methylation is the process of gene expression; it passes on the genetic information to specific genes. There are hundreds of different methylation reactions in the body. Most commonly noted is the body’s ability to detoxify. Approximately 15% of the population has methylation deficit, and this number goes up to 54% with vaccinations; and of those with Autism, 85% are known to have reduced methylation.
Of course, vaccinations cause the diseases they are supposedly intended to prevent. Google: US MRR Measles Vaccine Failing. Vaccinated New Yorker causes Measles outbreak in vaccinated New Yorkers. Not caused by unvaccinated children.
In 2009 in New York and New Jersey, a boy who had visited the UK during a Mumps outbreak contracted the disease and brought it home to a summer camp, where he and 1,000 others came down with it. He and 77% of the others had all been vaccinated against Mumps.
In 2015 there was a Measles outbreak in California. Of 60 cases, 29 were fully vaccinated.
In 1500 cases of naturally contracted Measles in the last decade, there has not been 1 death. But there has been 80 cases of death from the vaccine supposedly designed to prevent it.
In 2010 81% of those who came down with Whooping Cough were completely up to date on their vaccines.
1 single pharmaceutical company, Merck, makes an annual profit of $800 million.
Thimerosol, a preservative used in vaccines, is made of 49.6% Ethyl Mercury.
By the time an infant has reached 6 months of age most have received 15 doses of these toxic vaccines.
In the 2008 - 2009 Flu Season, 2/3 of Flu vaccines contained full doses of Thimerosal; i.e., 25 micrograms of Mercury.
See www.drtenpenny.com for more information on vaccines.
Between 1900 and 1960 the number of people who died from Measles dropped by 97.7%, and the deaths from Diphtheria and Pertussis also declined over 90%. All this before vaccines were even introduced.
The USA has the most heavily vaccinated children in the world, and ranks 31 for infant mortality!
Infants vaccinated for Hepatitis B have 3 times the risk of developing Autism. 47 have died from the vaccine.
Karen’s own child continued to exhibit allergic reactions to the Measles vaccine 10 years after receiving it.
Dr Andrew Wakefield found that Autistic children with on-gong intestinal pain had the cells of their intestinal lining growing live Measles virus thet were a genetic match to the Measles vaccines, proving once and for all thet vaccines cause disease.
The Hepatitis B vaccine is a causative factor in Multiple Sclerosis.
In Sweden their Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) completely disappeared after eliminating the Pertussis vaccination.
After Japan decided that children needed to be at least 2 years of age before receiving this vaccination their SIDS rate also disappeared.
In 2004 the pharmaceutical industry spent $31 billion on research but $57 billion on marketing and promotion.
There are a couple of ways to test for food allergies or sensitivities, and the body will tell you by how it responds to them. At night, just before bedtime, take a drop of the food in question and place it on the inside of your child’s wrist. If it is a solid food, mash it up with a drop of pure water. Let the solution dry on the wrist, and sleep with it there. Upon waking, check the area. If there is irritation and redness, then there is an allergy. If the area is clear, it is okay to introduce that food into the diet.
Dr Feingold discovered thet certain compounds in foods caused an immunological response rather than an allergic reaction. He saw how diet can clearly create behavioral disorders. Those on the Autism Spectrum are particularly vulnerable, especially to food dyes.
Soy-based baby formulas contain Free Glutamate, which causes damage to the part of the brain called the hypothalamus which is responsible for many behaviors including fight-or-flight, aggression, sleep, and appetite. Glutamate will bind with Aluminum and increase its absorption in both the bloodstream and the brain.
Wheat today contains 90% more Gluten than it did a century ago. Gluten is used as a binder and is contained in almost all processed foods.
Harvard University released a study that showed one in three people with Diabetes developed it from eating whole wheat.
HLC Mindlinx is a Pro-biotic supplement that was developed specifically for those with Gluten and Casein intolerance.
She explains how this Pro-biotic works, and proves her point with her own child as a reference. He had chronic intestinal pain caused by Gluten and Casein intolerance. After a stint on HLC Mindlinx his intestines healed, and today he can eat Gluten and Casein with no Autistic reaction what-so-ever.
For further reading, see “Intestinal Effects on Autism and ADHD. Potential for a Novel Probiotic Approach.”
The prevalence of Asthma among children ages 5 to 14 rose 74% from 1980 to 1983, and continues to grow today.
A study done in 2001 showed thet children with Celiac disease had a much higher prevalence of Asthma than those without Celiac. Another study showed thet Celiacs on the GF/CF diet had no symptoms of Asthma.
Children who had received the Pertussis vaccine were 6 times more likely to develop Asthma than those who had not received it.
Cane sugar is known to carry mold. See www.survivingmold.com.
Autistics cannot eat corn nor melons because these have a naturally high mold content, and mushrooms are mold. Now sugar can be added to the list for this reason. Sugar also feeds yeast.
She gives us a long list of Natural Aids, including Biopure Propolis Vaporizers, Hepa Filters, and Vaskaka.
1 lesser-known fact about children with Autism is that roughly 50% start having seizures around the onset of puberty.
She also praises Cannabis; specifically the chemical compounds derived from it used as medicine – not smoking the stuff.
Chapter 20, titled A Short Lesson In the Brain tells us what each part of the brain does and how deficiencies affecting that part produce assorted ailments.
Estrogen assists in protecting the brain against toxins and heavy metals. This is 1 reason why so many more boys have Autism than do girls.
Monosodium Glutamate affects hormones and increases episodes of anger and rage.
Then she makes a mistake. She says Autism is not hereditary.
There are 2 types of Autism: Neurological and Intestinal. The Intestinal Autism is caused by antibiotics and vaccines.
Neurological Autism can be caused by the mother getting poisoned while pregnant, resulting in faulty brain development in the fetus, but can also be hereditary; i.e., my father and his brother have Aspergers, thus so do I. I was in fact born with Neurological Autism because it is a hereditary brain malformity which cannot be cured - though the symptoms can be alleviated with Irlen lenses and AIT. Then I was given vaccines and this resulted in a bad case of Intestinal Autism, which I have practically cured.
My point is Neurological Autism is a physical malformity you are stuck with. Intestinal Autism is a physical injury you can recover from.
Acetylcholine and Neopenepherine are greatly reduced by ingesting Monosodium Glutimate.
A dozen times or so in this book she mentions muscle testing to check the dosage of your vitamins. You do this by holding a vitamin pill in your hand and testing the strength of a muscle. If that pill contains too high of a dosage, your muscle will be weak. See a video associated with this technique by Googling Donna Eden demonstrating the Cross Crawl.
Another interesting video is The Cross Crawl with Dondi Dahlin!, wherein she demonstrates an exercise thet helps connect the left and right hemispheres of the brain. It is very similar to the exercises used in AIT (see my AIT page).
Also see my review of the documentary Aut-erobics.
I shall add thet I think drumming is an exceptionally good exercise for Autistics, especially if they cross their arms.
She references the excellent book Gut and Psychology Syndrome (see my review).
Throughout this book she directs us to several web-sites thet sell assorted supplements. Just looking these up is an education in it’s self.
To avoid making the reader paranoid about how everything is poisonous, she gives us an elaborate list of “Foods you can have”, which was actually fun to read.
She recommends Chelation, as do I.
She lists some labs where you can get your hair analyzed for heavy metals.
Nearly everything (including hair analysis and stool sample tests) can be conducted through the mail with companies who have web-sites.
She recommends curezone.org, doctorsdata.com, and crohns.net.
She shows us the “Brain Support Diet”, listing what supplements to take and how they work.
These support the alleviation of Hyperactivity, Attention Deficit, obsessiveness, emotional instability, memory problems, depression, and hypersensitivity. This was the most interesting part of the book for me.
She also explains why some treatment programs do not work. Specifically, if you are taking grapefruit seed extract, which is profoundly good for you, but take it at the wrong time of day, it can actually defeat the effectiveness of your vitamins.
Omeg 6 fats, such as corn, safflower, sunflower, peanut, canola, and soybean oils weaken the brain and its ability to function. They also reduce the efficiency of the protective Omega 3 fats.
After establishing the causes and cures, she goes on to list specifically what to do and most importantly the order in which to do it:
Stage 1:
Supporting the liver and adrenals.
Healing the gut.
Stage 2:
Heavy metal detoxification.
Stage 3:
Brain support.
Deworming.
Then comes a chapter on Prevention; i.e., how to keep your normal child healthy and avoid Autism in the first place.
This includes a critique of the common (horrible) birthing practices used by doctors Frankenstein and Mengele in the Western World of medical quackery.
Then she even goes in to detail about what the parents should do to assure their sperm and egg are in perfect health in advance of conception. This includes another list of web-sites you can use to help, including labinterpretations.com, toxicteeth.org, and giawellness.com.
The book ends with a fat Appendix listing dozens more web-sites and books for further research.
Cons:
This book has an appalling number of typos; 1 on nearly every page (!), it is awkwardly written, and uses terms like “71 hundred” rather than “7,100”, etc. None of the quotes I have written above are word-for-word what she wrote, because she wrote it wrong! Some of it is not even English! On nearly every page I said aloud “She needs an editor.” It really needs to be re-written and polished, a lot!
Pros:
It often refers you to a web-site, keeping the presentation very concise, then directing you to numerous web-sites for further elaboration. Thus it presents an amazing amount of information, but does so like a reference-manual rather than a mind-boggling endless lecture.
As with my review of Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, to do this book justice I would have to re-print it here in it’s entirety, for it has an amazing amount of information. Most of what is written above are the things I did not know before reading this excellent book.
You need this. Definitely in my Top 3. Very highly recommended.
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The complete step-by-step resource handbook for parents
by Karen Thomas
Karen has a web-site for this book: www.naturallyhealingautism.com.
She has been “with the health-field” for 30 years – specifically as a Sacral Cranial Therapist.
She says Autism is a biological disorder, not a mental illness, and can therefore be healed. It is crucial thet we heal the causes, not mask the symptoms.
Too much information tends to overwhelm those who are already overwhelmed, thus she keeps her writing style clear and concise.
As of the printing of this book, 2014, the CDC has stated thet 1 in 68 children in the USA have Autism, and they project a possible future of 1 in 2 by 2025. They also say they came up with the 1 in 68 figure by averaging out their statistic thet 1 in every 42 boys have it, compared to 1 in every 189 girls.
I do not believe it is that much more prevalent in boys. I think it is just harder to diagnose in girls.
Her favorite Autism book is A Parent’s Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome and High Functioning Autism. This book allowed her to diagnose her child herself. He had chronic intestinal pain, so now thet she knew what was wrong she took him to her doctor and asked for a blood test. The “doctor” of course knew nothing whatsoever and thus refused to do a blood test. Mom pleaded for one, and the doctor said “If you do not trust your doctor then you should find a new one!” So she took her child to the hospital, where she explained to the Attending physician what had happened with her previous doctor. So the Attending called the previous doctor, and this resulted in the Attending to also refuse to do a blood test. As it turned out, doctors are in a conspiracy and will not give a second opinion if it contradicts some other doctor’s orders. Two different doctors flat refused to treat this child!
This is why I am sick of reviewing books. In every 1 the writer tells of their experience dealing with the depraved indifference-I-mean-medical profession. Every book makes me angry, and I am sick of being angry. In this day and age, why don’t people know the medical profession is nothing but a puppet whore of the pharmaceutical industry?
So Karen next tried muscle testing.
From here she discovers the book Touch For Health by Dr John Thie. This book advocates a drug-free approach, and reflex stimulation methods.
Through this Karen discovered thet her 11-year-old was having a constant allergic reaction to the Measles vaccine he had received as a baby.
Next she tried NAET.
She introduces us to Autism One radio, something I had never heard of.
Karen packs so much information into this book without it becoming overwhelming; i.e., she explains the basics of a subject for 1 page, then refers you to a web-site wherein the subject is elaborated on greatly, making this book a guide to finding further information, rather than an overwhelming catalog of details. 1 of my favorites of the many she recommended being www.klinghardtacademy.com.
She also talks about teeth, and how the bacteria in your mouth can be passed to someone else, causing cavities. I am especially aware of how the mercury fillings in teeth are some of the most damaging things medical quackery (I almost called them “the profession”) has ever come up with.
She recommends Xylitol toothpaste, and tells us where to find mercury-free dentists.
I brush my teeth with baking soda and rinse with hydrogen peroxide. My teeth are very white and are so clean they squeak.
Karen’s main focus professionally is Sacral Cranial Therapy. She says she has found thet the majority of her patients with Autism or ADHD have the same specific bones misplaced in their skull.
She goes into elaborate detail explaining Hyperbaric Oxygen, stating point-blank which types work wonders and which are frauds; and as usual directs us to a web-site which explains many details not listed in this book.
She recommends Tomatis AIT. I do not. Berard is the one you should use; Tomatis is a fraud. See my AIT page for details.
Autistic Vision is a web-site thet compiles many articles about Visual Processing Disorders.
Books recommended: The Out-of-Sync Child, More Than Words, and Social Thinking.
She states point-blank thet Vaccines cause Autism. If she did not, I would dismiss her as incompetent.
She explains how Glutathion can alleviate symptoms of some Genetic Mutations, and goes into detail explaining, or at least listing, many of the illnesses we do not usually consider to be of genetic origin. This was enlightening.
She continues to impress me more and more with every page. Even at this early stage in the book I am considering it to be as important to read as Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD (see my glowing review).
Children on the Autism Spectrum always have an imbalance in gut flora or gut bacteria. One of the biggest problems is Candida or Yeast. The toxins released by the Yeast are very harmful to the liver.
I know Antibiotics kill our intestinal flora, which allows a Yeast overgrowth, which eats holes in the gut causing Leakey Gut Syndrome, which creates food allergies. I did not know it also harms the liver.
She goes into a lot of detail explaining how to cleans the liver, and mentions thet gall-stones expelled from the liver can lodge in the intestines, causing a whole new problem.
There are a lot of details presented in this book which explain common Autistic health problems we do not usually recognize as symptoms of Autism.
85 - 90% of Autistics have reduced Methylation. Methylation is required to produce Glutathion, and this is why all Autistics have a Glutathion deficiency.
Glutathion is especially needed to remove heavy metal toxicity such as those from vaccines.
She references Dr Andrew Wakefield (see my review of the movie Hear the Silence).
There is a lot of talk about Iodine imbalances and how it affects Thyroid function.
When detoxifying it is important to know that toxins are either natural or synthetic. Natural toxins, such as mold, are negatively charged. Synthetic toxins, such as pesticides, are positively charged. The detoxifying agent must be of the opposite charge.
This reminds me thet the mercury fillings in your teeth can be both negatively and positively charged and must be removed in a specific order according to the charge. See my review of the book Its All In Your Head.
She explains thet Candida can pass through the placenta, thus if mom has a Yeast overgrowth she can pass it on to her baby even before it is born, thus explaining how babies can be born with Thrush.
She recommends breast-feeding for 2 years. Instead Westerners usually wean their babies at 1 year. By then the child has already received vaccines, and are thus doomed.
There are many references to assorted cure-all treatments most of us, even I, had not heard of; Cistus Tea, Propolis, and Mumosa Pudica for example.
80% of Americans have parasites.
She talks a lot about Staph, Strep, and Lyme.
Spinal Meningitis is actually caused by Yeast.
She repeats word-for-word what I said about Yeast leading to Leaky Gut leading to food allergies.
Mercury is known to inhibit the human body’s ability to kill Candida.
She sings the praises of Grapefruit seed extract; I vigorously concur.
Mix 6 drops of Grapefruit seed extract with 2 oz of purified water. Put that into the medicine cup of your Nebulizer. Inhale through your nose and out your mouth. It kills viruses in your resperatory system.
95% of children with Autism show deficiency in sulfates. Sulfate helps give Glutathion antioxidant strength and assists in detoxification.
Cow’s milk is known to promote Leaky Gut.
One in every four Autistic children test positive for Lyme disease. Lyme can also be transmitted during sexual contact, through breast milk, and in utero.
Proper nutrition may have the greatest effect on protection from disease. By strengthening the body’s defense, nutrition can override many genetic triggers. The reverse effect can come from negative signals such as the genetic susceptibility to juvenile Diabetes, which often occurs after exposure to a virus, cow’s milk, or the excitotoxin Monosodium Glutamate. These can turn on the signal for the Diabetes gene. Without a trigger the disease may never arise.
One study showing thet genes can be changed showed mice, fat and yellow, being fed folic acid, B12, choline, and betaine. This affected their genes and they gave birth to skinny brown offspring.
Rats were fed potatoes loaded with GMO. In as little as 10 days the lining of their stomach and entire digestive tract was much thinner and weakened. These are comparable to the symptoms of children on the Autism Spectrum, and 1 reason why Leaky Gut is so common among them.
The EPA reports thet the average American consumes 4 pounds of pesticides each year, and over 3,000 chemical additives can be found in our food. A study revealed that the children of women exposed to a type of pesticide known as Organophosphates were 60% more likely to be diagnosed with Autism than those who were not.
Between 1910 and 1970, Americans went from eating 83% animal fats down to 62%. During this time period the consumption of sugars and processed foods increased by 60%. The consumption of butter went from 18 pounds per person per year down to 4 pounds. We have been falsely taught that fats are bad for us. Unfortunately this caused the consumption of vegetable oils and refined oils to increase by 400%.
Mother’s milk contains 50% fat, mostly saturated. Brain development relies on saturated fat and Cholesterol. Why would The American Heart Association recommend low fat, low cholesterol diets for children? It is just plain wrong.
She talks a long time about Hypoglycemia and all the new natural treatments you can use to help alleviate it. She does not however mention thet it is caused by the Tetanus shot, which it is.
Then comes Diabetes. This part of the book goes on for 13 pages, and was very enlightening about how it is caused by, and can be cured with, diet alone.
Drinking cow’s milk before the age of 2 is known to be 1 of the causes of Juvenile Diabetes.
There has been a 17-fold increase in Type 1 Diabetes, from 1 in 7,100 children in 1950 to 1 in 400 today. This correlates with the increase in the number of vaccinations.
Then she goes on to explain “Eating for your metabolic type”. And as usual directs us to a few web-sites for further elaboration.
I would like to personally elaborate on this subject by directing you to the excellent book Eat Right For Your Type (see my review).
Do not purchase any supplements that contain additives and fillers. One of the most commonly used additives is Magnesium Sterate. It is used to prevent the ingredients from sticking to the equipment during production. It is dangerous for humans because it can prevent absorption of nutrients, may be harmful to the intestines, and weakens the immune system. Read the entire label, including the part at the bottom that says “Other ingredients”.
Krill oil is better than fish oil. It contains all the benefits of DHA and EPA, but is more absorptive due to its phospholipid structure.
The fats in our cells are phospholipids, which means the fatty acids have the same chemical make-up as the cells in our body. This makes Krill oil more bioavailable.
Magnesium is necessary for producing over 300 enzymatic reactions.
3 studies have shown that using folic acid before conception lowers the risk of Autism by about 40%.
Spontaneous nose-bleeds are allergic reactions. Period. But Karen says those who suffer from them are often deficient in Vitamin K as well.
DMG and TMG are most important in the process of methylation. They are necessary for the production of Glutathion and are effective in detoxifying heavy metals from the body.
Some call it “Flu Season.” I call it Low Vitamin D Season. Glutathion cannot do its job if there is not enough Vitamin D.
B6, K2, D3, Glutathion, Selenium, and Magnesium are mandatory supplements for Autistics.
Enzymes must be working properly to attach to the free radical and neutralize it. Most oral Glutathione supplements are destroyed by our digestive system.
There is 1 oral liquid Glutathione known to have strong bioflaviability. This is called Lipoceutical Glitathion, or Redisorb.
Inflammation damages the blood/brain barrier. This is the brain’s protective shield against toxins. The most common disorders caused by inflammation are Anxiety, Obsessive Personality Disorder, and Compulsive Behavior Disorder.
Up to 80% of the immune system is built in the gastrointestinal tract.
Probiotic products taken in the billions can create an autoimmune reaction in individuals who have an autoimmune disorder. The body may attribute too many organisms as an invasion and see it as a threat, and this could cause a negative immune reaction.
The American Psychiatric Association endorses fish oil for use in psychiatric illnesses.
Sea Plankton is a good source of Omega 3 fatty acids from a plant source.
Chia seeds are another source of Omega 3 fatty acids, with about 8 times more Omega 3s than salmon. They are also loaded with antioxidants and fiber.
Artificial food colorings:
FD&C dyes are not safe.
Blue #2 has been known to cause brain tumors.
Red #2, the most commonly used dye, shows increased immune system tumors, hypersensitive allergic reactions, triggers hyperactivity, and causes bladder tumors.
Red #3 was noted by the FDA as a Thyroid carcinogen and banned from use in cosmetics … but it is still allowed in food!
Green #3 causes bladder tumors.
Yellow #5 causes Asthma and Hyperactivity.
Yellow #6 causes adrenal tumors.
For more information see www.feingold.com.
Electro Magnetic Radiation:
The EMR in a pregnant woman’s bedroom can increase the risk of her baby developing Autism. Molds are also known to increase the release of biotoxins by 600 times when in the presence of EMR pollution.
For 30% of children who have used a cell phone by the age of 7, the incidents of behavioral problems was 80% higher.
Fluoride increases the absorption of lead.
The number of chemicals has increased to over 84,000, but the EPA only requires testing on about 200.
Those who live in houses with vinyl floors are twice as likely to have a child with Autism.
The recycle numbers on plastic bottles are indicators of the compounds of which they are made. Numbers 1, 3, 6, and 7 are ones we do not want to use.
A study in England showed that the average woman puts 515 synthetic chemicals on her body every day.
There are 100,000 new cases of Autism every year in the USA. 1 in every 50 families in the USA has a child with Autism.
The most common heavy metals are mercury, cadmium, lead, aluminum, and fluoride.
The vapors from mercury amalgam fillings in the mouth can degrade the strength of the immune system by half.
Mercury also binds with Candida to resist its removal from the system. Mercury prevents the body from killing Candida. And it can act as an antennae in the body for electromagnetic field radiation.
Statistics:
Year Vaccines Mercury levels Autism cases
1985 10 135 mcgs 1 in 2,500
1996 12 246 mcgs 1 in 350
2014 36 unknown 1 in 68
In 1999 studies showed that multi-dose vaccines, such as MMR, contained 62.5 ug of Mercury in 1 individual appointment with a pediatrician. This is 100 times the EPA “safe” limit for infants.
A dental drilling can release as much as 4,000 ug of Mercury.
Mercury emissions from coal-fired power-plants, natural gas, and petroleum products release 5,000 tons of Mercury into the atmosphere every year.
The brain and kidneys retain the most Mercury. Mercury primarily attacks the cerebellar region of the brain. Long-term exposure affects:
The Amygdala, the centers for fight-or-flight
The Neurocortex, affecting sensory integration, motor control, spacial awareness, language, and conscious thought.
The temproral lobes, which are responsible for visual memory, emotion, and language comprehension.
Sound familiar?
Selenium protects against Mercury toxicity.
Reduce the intake of pecans and berries, because they contain gallic acid, and apples which contain chlorogenic acid which assists aluminum’s absorption into the cells.
There are over 25 human studies and 100 animal studies connecting fluoride to brain damage and lowered IQ.
Fluoride damages the hippocampus, which is responsible for regulating emotions, behavior, learning, memory, and spacial awareness. It is the primary part of the brain affected by those with Alzheimer’s.
Vaccines:
Since the human detoxification pathways are not fully set until the age of 3, then why are viruses, preservatives, mercury, and aluminum being used in early childhood vaccines?
The number of vaccinations recommended by the CDC has tripled in the last 2 decades.
Methylation is the process of gene expression; it passes on the genetic information to specific genes. There are hundreds of different methylation reactions in the body. Most commonly noted is the body’s ability to detoxify. Approximately 15% of the population has methylation deficit, and this number goes up to 54% with vaccinations; and of those with Autism, 85% are known to have reduced methylation.
Of course, vaccinations cause the diseases they are supposedly intended to prevent. Google: US MRR Measles Vaccine Failing. Vaccinated New Yorker causes Measles outbreak in vaccinated New Yorkers. Not caused by unvaccinated children.
In 2009 in New York and New Jersey, a boy who had visited the UK during a Mumps outbreak contracted the disease and brought it home to a summer camp, where he and 1,000 others came down with it. He and 77% of the others had all been vaccinated against Mumps.
In 2015 there was a Measles outbreak in California. Of 60 cases, 29 were fully vaccinated.
In 1500 cases of naturally contracted Measles in the last decade, there has not been 1 death. But there has been 80 cases of death from the vaccine supposedly designed to prevent it.
In 2010 81% of those who came down with Whooping Cough were completely up to date on their vaccines.
1 single pharmaceutical company, Merck, makes an annual profit of $800 million.
Thimerosol, a preservative used in vaccines, is made of 49.6% Ethyl Mercury.
By the time an infant has reached 6 months of age most have received 15 doses of these toxic vaccines.
In the 2008 - 2009 Flu Season, 2/3 of Flu vaccines contained full doses of Thimerosal; i.e., 25 micrograms of Mercury.
See www.drtenpenny.com for more information on vaccines.
Between 1900 and 1960 the number of people who died from Measles dropped by 97.7%, and the deaths from Diphtheria and Pertussis also declined over 90%. All this before vaccines were even introduced.
The USA has the most heavily vaccinated children in the world, and ranks 31 for infant mortality!
Infants vaccinated for Hepatitis B have 3 times the risk of developing Autism. 47 have died from the vaccine.
Karen’s own child continued to exhibit allergic reactions to the Measles vaccine 10 years after receiving it.
Dr Andrew Wakefield found that Autistic children with on-gong intestinal pain had the cells of their intestinal lining growing live Measles virus thet were a genetic match to the Measles vaccines, proving once and for all thet vaccines cause disease.
The Hepatitis B vaccine is a causative factor in Multiple Sclerosis.
In Sweden their Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) completely disappeared after eliminating the Pertussis vaccination.
After Japan decided that children needed to be at least 2 years of age before receiving this vaccination their SIDS rate also disappeared.
In 2004 the pharmaceutical industry spent $31 billion on research but $57 billion on marketing and promotion.
There are a couple of ways to test for food allergies or sensitivities, and the body will tell you by how it responds to them. At night, just before bedtime, take a drop of the food in question and place it on the inside of your child’s wrist. If it is a solid food, mash it up with a drop of pure water. Let the solution dry on the wrist, and sleep with it there. Upon waking, check the area. If there is irritation and redness, then there is an allergy. If the area is clear, it is okay to introduce that food into the diet.
Dr Feingold discovered thet certain compounds in foods caused an immunological response rather than an allergic reaction. He saw how diet can clearly create behavioral disorders. Those on the Autism Spectrum are particularly vulnerable, especially to food dyes.
Soy-based baby formulas contain Free Glutamate, which causes damage to the part of the brain called the hypothalamus which is responsible for many behaviors including fight-or-flight, aggression, sleep, and appetite. Glutamate will bind with Aluminum and increase its absorption in both the bloodstream and the brain.
Wheat today contains 90% more Gluten than it did a century ago. Gluten is used as a binder and is contained in almost all processed foods.
Harvard University released a study that showed one in three people with Diabetes developed it from eating whole wheat.
HLC Mindlinx is a Pro-biotic supplement that was developed specifically for those with Gluten and Casein intolerance.
She explains how this Pro-biotic works, and proves her point with her own child as a reference. He had chronic intestinal pain caused by Gluten and Casein intolerance. After a stint on HLC Mindlinx his intestines healed, and today he can eat Gluten and Casein with no Autistic reaction what-so-ever.
For further reading, see “Intestinal Effects on Autism and ADHD. Potential for a Novel Probiotic Approach.”
The prevalence of Asthma among children ages 5 to 14 rose 74% from 1980 to 1983, and continues to grow today.
A study done in 2001 showed thet children with Celiac disease had a much higher prevalence of Asthma than those without Celiac. Another study showed thet Celiacs on the GF/CF diet had no symptoms of Asthma.
Children who had received the Pertussis vaccine were 6 times more likely to develop Asthma than those who had not received it.
Cane sugar is known to carry mold. See www.survivingmold.com.
Autistics cannot eat corn nor melons because these have a naturally high mold content, and mushrooms are mold. Now sugar can be added to the list for this reason. Sugar also feeds yeast.
She gives us a long list of Natural Aids, including Biopure Propolis Vaporizers, Hepa Filters, and Vaskaka.
1 lesser-known fact about children with Autism is that roughly 50% start having seizures around the onset of puberty.
She also praises Cannabis; specifically the chemical compounds derived from it used as medicine – not smoking the stuff.
Chapter 20, titled A Short Lesson In the Brain tells us what each part of the brain does and how deficiencies affecting that part produce assorted ailments.
Estrogen assists in protecting the brain against toxins and heavy metals. This is 1 reason why so many more boys have Autism than do girls.
Monosodium Glutamate affects hormones and increases episodes of anger and rage.
Then she makes a mistake. She says Autism is not hereditary.
There are 2 types of Autism: Neurological and Intestinal. The Intestinal Autism is caused by antibiotics and vaccines.
Neurological Autism can be caused by the mother getting poisoned while pregnant, resulting in faulty brain development in the fetus, but can also be hereditary; i.e., my father and his brother have Aspergers, thus so do I. I was in fact born with Neurological Autism because it is a hereditary brain malformity which cannot be cured - though the symptoms can be alleviated with Irlen lenses and AIT. Then I was given vaccines and this resulted in a bad case of Intestinal Autism, which I have practically cured.
My point is Neurological Autism is a physical malformity you are stuck with. Intestinal Autism is a physical injury you can recover from.
Acetylcholine and Neopenepherine are greatly reduced by ingesting Monosodium Glutimate.
A dozen times or so in this book she mentions muscle testing to check the dosage of your vitamins. You do this by holding a vitamin pill in your hand and testing the strength of a muscle. If that pill contains too high of a dosage, your muscle will be weak. See a video associated with this technique by Googling Donna Eden demonstrating the Cross Crawl.
Another interesting video is The Cross Crawl with Dondi Dahlin!, wherein she demonstrates an exercise thet helps connect the left and right hemispheres of the brain. It is very similar to the exercises used in AIT (see my AIT page).
Also see my review of the documentary Aut-erobics.
I shall add thet I think drumming is an exceptionally good exercise for Autistics, especially if they cross their arms.
She references the excellent book Gut and Psychology Syndrome (see my review).
Throughout this book she directs us to several web-sites thet sell assorted supplements. Just looking these up is an education in it’s self.
To avoid making the reader paranoid about how everything is poisonous, she gives us an elaborate list of “Foods you can have”, which was actually fun to read.
She recommends Chelation, as do I.
She lists some labs where you can get your hair analyzed for heavy metals.
Nearly everything (including hair analysis and stool sample tests) can be conducted through the mail with companies who have web-sites.
She recommends curezone.org, doctorsdata.com, and crohns.net.
She shows us the “Brain Support Diet”, listing what supplements to take and how they work.
These support the alleviation of Hyperactivity, Attention Deficit, obsessiveness, emotional instability, memory problems, depression, and hypersensitivity. This was the most interesting part of the book for me.
She also explains why some treatment programs do not work. Specifically, if you are taking grapefruit seed extract, which is profoundly good for you, but take it at the wrong time of day, it can actually defeat the effectiveness of your vitamins.
Omeg 6 fats, such as corn, safflower, sunflower, peanut, canola, and soybean oils weaken the brain and its ability to function. They also reduce the efficiency of the protective Omega 3 fats.
After establishing the causes and cures, she goes on to list specifically what to do and most importantly the order in which to do it:
Stage 1:
Supporting the liver and adrenals.
Healing the gut.
Stage 2:
Heavy metal detoxification.
Stage 3:
Brain support.
Deworming.
Then comes a chapter on Prevention; i.e., how to keep your normal child healthy and avoid Autism in the first place.
This includes a critique of the common (horrible) birthing practices used by doctors Frankenstein and Mengele in the Western World of medical quackery.
Then she even goes in to detail about what the parents should do to assure their sperm and egg are in perfect health in advance of conception. This includes another list of web-sites you can use to help, including labinterpretations.com, toxicteeth.org, and giawellness.com.
The book ends with a fat Appendix listing dozens more web-sites and books for further research.
Cons:
This book has an appalling number of typos; 1 on nearly every page (!), it is awkwardly written, and uses terms like “71 hundred” rather than “7,100”, etc. None of the quotes I have written above are word-for-word what she wrote, because she wrote it wrong! Some of it is not even English! On nearly every page I said aloud “She needs an editor.” It really needs to be re-written and polished, a lot!
Pros:
It often refers you to a web-site, keeping the presentation very concise, then directing you to numerous web-sites for further elaboration. Thus it presents an amazing amount of information, but does so like a reference-manual rather than a mind-boggling endless lecture.
As with my review of Biological Treatments for Autism and PDD, to do this book justice I would have to re-print it here in it’s entirety, for it has an amazing amount of information. Most of what is written above are the things I did not know before reading this excellent book.
You need this. Definitely in my Top 3. Very highly recommended.
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Nobody Nowhere
The extraordinary autobiography of an Autistic
by Donna Williams
This is a very popular book; you can go into any used book-store and find several copies on the shelf. There is a reason for this - it is a really good book.
The forward was written by Bernard Rimland, who, based in San Diego CA since the 40's, was the founder (in 1965) of The Autism Society of America, and the founder and director of the Autism Research Institute (in 1967). He has long been internationally recognized as an authority on Autism Spectrum Disorders, and is the father of an Autistic child.
He introduces the book: Donna reports that many of her symptoms were traceable to certain food-allergies, and that her brain reacted badly when her vitamin supply was insufficient. I encountered my first case of milk-allergy-caused Autism in 1967, and have since become aware of hundreds of children who's behavior greatly improves when cow's milk, wheat, eggs, or other common foods are removed from their diet. There are now 16 studies in the world literature (2 by me) showing that almost half of all Autistics need larger amounts of vitamin B6, and the mineral Magnesium than do non-Autistic persons. Part of the problem of Autism is thus obviously biochemical, as opposed to neurological.
My symptoms have been profoundly alleviated by me going on the GF/CF Diet, and I have always been prone to Magnesium deficiency.
People with Autism display 3 major kinds of behavior:
1) They are emotionally unresponsive, and sometimes actively avoid interacting with or relating to people. This is referred to as Flat Effect. In babies this is often shown by failure to maintain eye-contact or display feelings through facial-expressions.
I still am somewhat uncomfortable looking people in the eye, especially if they are smiling at me, though I have greatly improved in my ability to at least briefly do so since going on the GF/CF Diet. In older children, it may be indicated by the child's failure to make friends or to be able to play in the company of other children. I have never had a friend nor a playmate. In fact I was 36 before I realized I did not know how to play or have fun.
2) They are relatively unresponsive to other people's speech, and may have impaired, abnormal, or little or no speech of their own.
I have learned to smile and make eye-contact with someone who is joking, thus displaying thet I recognize they are joking, and I always "get" the joke, but I never understand why they are joking, or what on Earth I should say in response.
Children with Autism often speak in a monotonous or oddly-pitched tone of voice, and frequently echo things said to them, for no apparent reason. This is called Echolalia, and is 1 of my worst remaining symptoms (I only echo to myself what I have said aloud myself).
3) They display rigid, stereotyped behavior in which they may insist on a very unchanging environment, or carry out repetitive, purposeless activities such as lining up (unrelated) objects repeatedly, or counting (irrelevant) things over and over again.
Attempts by others to interrupt such children's routines or to change their environment make them quite distressed. This distress may result in intense displays of temper, biting themselves, banging their heads, or punching themselves.
I definitely still find it almost impossible to refrain from throwing a tantrum if I am interrupted in any way (see what I said about "The Office Scenario" in my review of theb book The Uncharted Path).
Then the book begins:
Donna is typically Autistic in her inability to understand what other people mean by what they say, and sometimes is unable to even understand the words. She also has difficulty expressing herself in spoken words, but is quite capable at writing.
This too is like me; I am a horrible speaker but an excellent writer. In my case this is due mainly to my aversion to interacting with people physically, or face-to-face. I can spill my guts and cry to the whole world through writing, but when talking face to face, I always edit out at least half of what I meant to say because I simply do not want to talk to anyone. All people are intimidated by me when I do talk, because I over-explain everything into the ground with such mind-boggling detail thet they become overwhelmed (intimidated by my intellectual superiority). I also have that annoying inability to determine when the job is finished, thus I repeat myself several times, each time in different words. The person I am talking to thus assumes I believe they are too stupid to understand, and become offended thet I am apparently condescendingly spoon-feeding them, when the facts are I simply did not realize I had already said it twice before. This leads me to conclude thet all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenics with persecution complexes (a chip on their shoulder and a stick up their ass). Thus I am left with no interest in talking to anyone - other than to exchange needed information (the Normals never say what they mean, while I take them literally. Meanwhile I always say exactly what I mean, but they never take me literally. This is exasperating to me). So I now so seldom talk to anyone, and when I do I really try not to repeat myself, thus I end up saying only half of what I wanted to actually say. It is just pointless to talk to anyone.
Understandably, in view of her experiences (with her abusive parents) and disability, there are a number of activities she finds extremely difficult, such as physically touching others, and being with people in a strange room.
Like all Autistics, I too have an aversion to touching people, and especially being touched by them (other than little kids, which I adore). It always feels like their touch is burning me. I long ago gave up on sex, because from my perspective all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes - I hate the way they touch me.
Also (like Donna) I had horrifically abusive parents.
The discomfort with strange rooms is the classic Autistic difficulty in finding one's own location. I need to be alone in a new place until I have found where I am in it. Only then can I tolerate other people being there - I easily get lost inside buildings, and am infuriated if other people are there (while I am lost).
Rabbits ate lettuce. I liked rabbits, so I ate lettuce. I loved colored glass. Jelly looked like colored glass, so I ate jelly. I ate dirt, flowers, grass, bark, and plastic when I was 13 years old. If I liked something, I would try to lose myself in my fascination for it. Things, unlike people, were welcome to become part of me. This is called Pica - the compulsion to ingest non-edible things. But in her case it was possibly done as a comforting Stim - ingesting things thet she felt comfortable looking at.
I still remember the smell of my grandmother. She wore chains around her neck. She was soft and wrinkly, wore knitted things I could put my fingers through, had a husky laughing voice, and smelled of camphor. I would take camphor off the shelves at the supermarket, and 20 years later bought bottle upon bottle of eucalyptus oil and spread it around my room, corner to corner, to keep out everything except for the comforting feeling that association gave me. I collected scraps of colored wool and crocheted bits and would put my fingers through the holes so I could fall asleep securely. For me, the people I liked were their things, and those things were my protection from what I did not like - other people.
One day I went out to my grandfather's shack. He did not notice me. His face was purple and blotchy. He was lying on his side. Pop never woke up again. I never forgave him for doing this until I was 21, when it suddenly dawned on me that people do not intentionally mean to die. Then I cried and cried and cried some more. It had taken me 16 years to grieve for him. (See my Autism Lecture on The Grieving Process).
I was Echolalic until I was 4, meaninglessly repeating everything I heard, just like a parrot.
When my mother spoke, the room shook.
I had an older brother. I think he became her "only" child. Perhaps she wanted a daughter, for she would dress him up as a girl and a boy on alternate days, and take him out for walks in the pram. He could "act normal" and was not so embarrassing.
I never hugged either of them; neither was I hugged. I did not like anyone coming close to me, let alone touching me. I felt all touching was pain, and I was frightened.
My bed was also surrounded and totally encased by tiny spots that I called Stars, so that it seemed to me I lay in some kind of mystical glass coffin. I have since learned that they are actually air particles; my vision was so hyper-sensitive that they often became a hypnotic foreground with the rest of the world fading away.
This once again is where people get the impression thet they are First Wave Indigos - she clearly has literally super-human senses (apparently an evolutionary step beyond mere humans). The facts are she has Sensory Processing Disorders, like all Autistics - First Wave Indigos flat-out do not exist (see my review of the book Living In an Indigo House).
I could not close my eyes or the Stars would depart, leaving me unprotected against intruders coming into my room. Feeling safe was tiring business.
And the intruders came. They were responsible for taking away my protection, for in the change of focus the tiny spots would disappear, leaving me feeling angry and betrayed, alone, exposed, and vulnerable.
It is interesting thet she was so averse to human contact, yet describes the lack of visible air particles as leaving her feeling alone - they were her only companions. I was always irritated by the presence of any person, for their presence would distract me from, or even destroy, the sense of comfort I had attained alone - talking to myself partly in gibberish. I always felt hostile toward any person who interrupted me in any way.
I knew that people were disturbed at me sleeping with my eyes open. I soon learned to close them when I heard others coming, to play dead and never look at them or let anything register when they lifted my eyelids or even poked me in the eye. I was breathing, so they knew I was not dead.
At the age of 2 she developed an alter-ego (not a multiple personality) she calls Willie. He was the manifestation of her defensiveness against her very abusive alcoholic mother.
Willie learned to turn other people's phrases back at them in some sort of meaningful yet attacking way, though silence still seemed a far deadlier weapon. My mother began to think I was evil and possessed. It would have been easier to forgive her if she had suffered from some kind of mental illness. She did not. She was just a drunken brutal thug.
Donna had an older brother, who's ass was licked by mom while he abused Donna. They were a tag-team of viciousness.
People were saying that she has caused me to be withdrawn by her coldness and her violence (thus supporting the "Refrigerator Mother" Theory). She probably believed this, and I let her. Had I ever wanted to reach out as myself to the intrusive outside world, I am sure she would have inhibited me.
My mother and sister Kathleen were also an abusive tag-team toward my desperate desire to reach out (in my awkwardness). They would very overtly and viciously destroy any friendship I attempted to cultivate on my own. They also used their witch-burning cult of a church to destroy me, flat-out lying to "the elders" in the church about me being promiscuous, a child-molester, or a fag ("sexual predator" was the term they used - when I was actually a typical Autistic apparently a-sexual). All Paranoid Schizophrenic abuser members of my family were the enemy I had to hide everything from. To this day they probably still believe thet I never talk. The facts are I am a typical Aspergian Hyperlexic with Pragmatic Language Disorder who talks constantly, including Script-walking and Echolalia, for nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words. I just learned very early thet to talk to any of them would result in a vicious attack - and if I did not talk to them they would still just make shit up to lie to others about. I had a nervous-breakdown at the age of 18 because they conspired against me through their evil church to destroy me. It worked.
Some battered children form attachments with such a parent. I never did.
This form of attachment is seen in Abused Woman Syndrome, wherein the girl learns to form an attachment with her abusive father, thus resulting in her spending the rest of her life intentionally seeking out abusive men to continue the only form of relationship she knows how to have.
I spent my life obsessively trying to establish some form of relationship with my evil family (raising goats because they raised goats, being a Jehovah's Witness because they were Jehovah's Witnesses, being a professional musician because they were professional musicians). But I finally realized they were simply not lovable, gave up, divorced my abusive lunatic family, and moved 3 states away.
In their case it was their Paranoid Schizophrenia thet finally made me give up once and for all; as a child I gave up trying to talk to them, and instead (clear up until the age of 40) would give them needed gifts or work myself to death (in my Martyr Complex) trying to help them on their farm (repairing damage done by lunatics). All of them lashed out like wounded animals when I tried to do anything nice for them. They would in a terrified panic destroy anything I did - resulting in my rage toward having my hand slapped every time I offered them a gift, them viciously slashing at the Good Samaritan.
I tried to establish some form of attachment with my evil sister by going to see foreign movies with her - she was vicious. I tried to establish some form of attachment with my brother by attempting to help him with his music career, or even just talk about music with him, for that was all we had in common - he was vicious. All of them, in their Schizophrenia, believed I was "trying to get control!" This literally terrified them, when I was just trying to connect in some way.
I became a rewarding experience for my father. I became my mother's hell. She called me "Dolly", the doll she never had. In her own words I learned who I was: "You were my doll, and I was allowed to smash it", she told me over and over again.
My mother's family was poor, and instead of distributing what little extras they got among all the children, the eldest seemed to get it all.
This was my fathers story: He always believed in a chain of command, the oldest of my siblings were always "left in charge", and would thus get all the punishment if anything went wrong, but they also got all the perks. The other 4 kids were always jealous and resentful because of that (the only good thet came of this was thet my perk-showered oldest sister became the first girl in FFA). All 5 of us kids would eagerly wait for it to be our turn. But when we moved to Colville, trapped in a horrible place with lunatics (see the movies The Mosquito Coast and The Reflecting Skin as analogies) none of us asked for, and all of us hated, the house burned down, and so my oldest sister ran away.
My mother had watched her older sister with hate and awe. She gave up competing and tried for the role of the eldest boy, and won it. It was not glorious, not glamorous, and built little sense of self-worth; but it gave her position, and the satisfaction of violently thumping her older sister and her friends, she never made herself.
My mother's sister thrived on the attention she got, becoming charismatic and a charmer. Ultimately she paid in guilt and shame, reaching out for forgiveness from her younger sister, who greeted this with the same amount of mercy my mother got from me: none.
People would say they were laughing with me, not at me, but I was not laughing. So I copied them, and made what they said correct. Then they would laugh at my strange laugh, and I would laugh with them, and they would think I was amused and amusing. This proved useful when I was older. I would get invited back again. I was learning to perform.
This is very typical for Autistics; we can learn how to act normal, though we may never understand why normal behavior is preferred.
Her mother was constantly slapping Donna's face for any reason (or not). Thus Donna developed another alter-ego (again, this is not a multiple personality, it is just an alternate persona for her to try on). This alter-ego was called Carol.
I began to sit in a huddled ball inside the cupboard. I would close my eyes and try hard to get into Carol's world in my mind. I became angry at any need to go to the toilet or eat, or call to participate in the family. In short, my humanness, my mere physical existence was my failing.
All through my teens and early 20s I felt this way very much. I would become fixated or even obsessed with a specific activity and simply forget to eat. I would almost faint from Hypoglycemia, only then realizing I had not eaten for 20 hours.
I would run home from work and obsessively record every day on into the late evening. I sat there recording until this light started glowing through the window. I could not figure out what it was. It kept getting brighter and brighter until I was annoyed with it. So I went outside to see what it was. It was the sun. I was sure it was around 11 PM.
In this scenario I would forget to eat, and become furious if my body needed to use the toilet. I (and my obsessions) so much hated being interrupted.
It was thought that I was clever, yet I often did not understand what was said to me. Although I was intelligent, I seemed to lack sense. Instead of talking with people, I would merely mimic them and talk endlessly over top of their voices as though this sufficed for conversation.
This is classic Autism. As a kid I had such bad CAPD thet I could not understand words. Later when the CAPD calmed down a bit, so I could understand the words, by then I had invented enough emotional-definition words thet nothing anyone said made any sense to me on an emotional level. To this day it is still hard for me to understand the point of what the Normals say. When Pamela says 1 thing with her mouth and another thing with her eyes, I have no clue what either form of communication is actually saying.
My mother would pick me up from the Special school. I would always wave goodbye to the building.
Waving goodbye to the building is another example of her learning how to act normal but having no clue why she should. She learned thet people expected her to wave goodbye, so she did so, but she did not get the point thet she should be waving to a specific person.
I am told that a girl with cerebral palsy had hit me in the head with a rock. Perhaps she did. I was so oblivious to anything that did not intrigue or disturb me that I did not notice. It certainly did not hurt my feelings, physical or otherwise.
This physical cluelessness is typical. When (at the age of 12) I crashed my bicycle and got my Fusiform Gyrus brain-injury, I felt nothing physically. When (at the age of 18) I crashed my car, bruising my body all over, I felt nothing physically. When (at the age of 38) I broke my finger by getting it smashed in a machine, I again felt nothing - in fact all my senses turned off completely. When bullies in school would hit me, though I was aware I had been hit, I usually did not really feel it physically. For you to hurt me, I would have to acknowledge your existence (snicker). I only notice things thet intrigue me intellectually, and since I am intellectually superior to all people, I cannot be bothered to notice them. In fact, my inability to be hurt physically helped cultivate my eventual (temporary) God Complex. You are all such pathetic inferiors.
By the time I left this Special school, I had begun to become Carol. Carol spoke to people.
She refers to herself as "Donna" rather than "I". She was 10 years old before she realized others referred to themselves as "I".
In his book Beyond The Silence, Tito refers to himself as "the boy", never using "I" or "me".
I am constantly asking myself, "How is it going, Chryssie?", asking from the perspective of a separate person, rather than analyzing my own feelings or thoughts as my own. This nececitates me putting it all into words and telling "the other person" what I think and feel. Typically Aspergian, I only think in words; I cannot just sit and feel an emotion, it has to be put into words and then spoken aloud before I understand it well.
My first chosen friend was Sandra. Other children teased her. Sandra and I would play the same game every day. We would sit side by side and scream into each others ear. It made me laugh because it tickled. She was the first person to play my games. Sandra and I would drink as much water as we could, until we felt like we would burst. We would choke ourselves until we were blue. We would push our eyes in, in order to see colors. And we would scream and scream until our throats were red raw.
I thought this was great fun. I had discovered that I could share physical sensation. In the company of others my senses would cut off, and I would become so numb that in order to feel something I had to push myself to extreme limits.
Sandra found another friend. Together she and her new friend tried to include me, but I did not know how to cope with having two friends at once. I resolved the situation by rejecting them both.
I can awkwardly carry on a conversation with one person, but if a third joins in, I become overwhelmed. I hate socializing with a group. I hate socializing, period. I will write this web-site (alone), then you go read it (alone).
This is also why it is well-known thet "Nerds do not cheat." There is just no way I can keep track of two girlfriends at once.
My reading was very good, but I had merely found a more socially acceptable way of listening to the sound of my own voice. Though I could read the words without difficulty, it was always the pictures from which I understood the content. Reading aloud, I would confidently continue, despite mispronouncing or inverting some of the letters or words. I would use different types of intonation to make the story sound interesting, though I was merely experimenting with my own voice, and my tone probably did not match the content of the story half the time.
Her older brother was a clone of mom, but she also had a younger brother named Tom.
When Tom was two, he was seen by a psychiatrist who said Tom was the worst case of hyper-activity he had ever seen. I thought he was quite normal. Later, he was found to be sensitive to the colorings and flavorings in foods; allergic to yeast, and deficient in zinc. Tom and I were both given zinc. The child-care center refused to keep him, as he was too much to handle.
Like me, Tom took to music like a maestro and, almost compulsively, could teach himself anything to perfection, though he could not be taught by someone else. I thank God for Tom; though he escaped a lot of the abuse, he moved in my world.
Although words are symbols, it would be misleading to say that I did not understand symbols. I had a whole system of relating that I considered "my language". It was other people who did not understand the symbolism I used, and there was no way I could tell them what I meant. I developed a language. Everything I did, from holding two fingers together to scrunching up my toes had meaning, usually to do with reassuring myself that I was in control. Sometimes it had to do with telling people how I felt, but it was so subtle it was often unnoticed or simply taken to be some new quirk that "Mad Donna" had thought up.
As I had echoed English, I echoed Italian. I would cheekily parrot the commands this mother gave her children, with the mother's inflection and pronunciation.
I had always accepted my mother's violence toward me. Somehow it did not seem to matter too much. After all it was only my body.
As was said in the book Women From Another Planet:
"I screamed and struggled, but to no avail, as he was very strong. When I realized that rape was inevitable, I shifted my goal to simply staying alive. Thus it was with a sense of relief rather than trauma that I survived this incident. Finally, a shot of penicillin in case of STDs, and that was the end of that."
As I have said many times thus far, the reason I escaped relatively unscathed from the abuse thet drove my Normal siblings to mental illness is thet I was rarely interacting with humans. I only interacted with (my own made-up) words. Bullies pounding me on the playground before the gloating "teachers" screaming "Burn the witch!" was easy for me to dissociate from, thus I really hardly felt it physically. But having to interact with, or in this case merely tolerate, people in "the office scenario" drives me to a rage thet lasts an hour.
My mother used to say, "If you really want to hurt someone, be nice to them." Perhaps she had learned that lesson from watching the way it often affected me. If it came from her own experience, God help her.
Tom would scream. His face my mirror, I would scream. No sound would come out. I would pick up my little brother and get into the cupboard, my hands over his mouth, my arms closing out the sound from his ears. I would feel his tears and his runny nose on my hands. My eyes were dry. He made me feel emotions, and still had the decency to express them for me. More than anything else, my little brother frightened me by making me feel real.
I have always cried silently, and am greatly annoyed by anyone who cries with their voice. I am always only crying to myself. I want to stop people from crying out loud, for I find them pathetic for doing so. I want to ask them in bewilderment and even disgust why on Earth they would want anyone to know they were, or even find out they had been, crying.
Of course, it is natural for Normal people to want connection with others. But since it is always others who make Autistics cry, why would I want them to even exist?
I feel the same about laughing. If I am reading something thet makes me laugh, the Normals always want to be let in on it. It makes me furious. Get the fuck away from me! This is my emotion, not yours!
As a counter-balance, I was glad to live in Las Cruces where the people are so open and friendly; random strangers strike up conversations, or jump to hold the door for others there. Everyone was referred to as "sir" or "ma'am". And they mean it; it is all considered just common courtesy for Las Crucians.
Of course it also makes me hate my parents for "raising me" in clannish Washington and paranoid Oregon. It would have been so good for Autistic me to be raised in a place like New Mexico where I could more readily interact with friendly people (and become fluent in Spanish), at least in a social graces/common courtesy way.
Sometimes I still wish I could spontaneously throw-up on people out of contempt. I hate thet I feel that way, but it is their fault.
It is like Donna's sentance above thet ended with, "God help her." What she meant was "God help her. I will not." I feel pity for my parents, but absolutely no sympathy.
Ten years later I had first met Terry, as I was trying to piece my life together, I arrived on her doorstep. She greeted me and offered me her friendship as though my ten years of silence had made no difference, though she said, "You are the strangest person. I have never met anyone who ever did that. One day you were talking to me; the next day it was as though we had never been friends." She never knew how much I sometimes needed her, or how important it was for me to close her out, and I never told her.
This inclination in me I always thought of as an Aries trait - forever blazing a new trail, but never staying around to pave the road. It is really more an Autism symptom, this obsessive love alternating with utter disregard.
For the last few years my mother had not been as systematically violent as she had been before I started school. However, the more she realized that I intended to leave home, the more she tried to convince me, not of her understanding, but of her power over me.
My mother was also becoming aware that I was approaching puberty, which posed major problems for her ability to cope.
Every day she would either give me the graphic details about some horrible experience she had had with men, telling me how she had been robbed of a life by having children, or telling me there was no way I was going anywhere - she would keep me home as long as she liked. Any defiance on my part, from the way I stood, or the look in my eyes, was met with violence, intended to crush my will.
This is my mother. She was never very physically violent, just physically very cold, but her emotional viciousness was probably more damaging than any physical blow could have been. Her compulsive elaborate set-up and sabotage maliciousness was very emotionally harmful.
My mother used her understanding of words to read horrific murder novels, which she would get through like lightening.
I loved to read telephone books and street directories.
I was not getting anything out of the novels I was made to read at school. I could read them all fluently, but was unable to pick up on what the book was about.
This goes along with the Autistic inability to understand the point of a Normal's conversation, wherein they are communicating with their body-language, facial-expressions, and eye-signals, while the Autistic is bewildered or even irritated by them apparently pointlessly yammering on about nothing specific.
I loved collections of things, and would bring home library books on many different types of cats, birds, flowers, houses, works of art, in fact anything that belonged to one group. My projects at school were like this to. For example, if I were to write about cows, I would produce a chart, complete with detailed drawings, specifying every type of cow. My interests may have been repetitive and lacking in creativity, but I was taking a renewed interest in my surroundings. I compared it with "waking from the dead."
Years later I had my hearing tested again. At the time it was found that my hearing was better than average, and I was even able to hear some frequencies only animals can hear. The problem with my hearing was obviously one of a fluctuation in the awareness of sound. It was as though awareness was a puppet, the strings of which were set firmly in the hands of emotional stress.
When I am intentionally falling asleep with music playing, I have to keep getting up and turning down the volume, because the more relaxed I become, the more my hearing amplifies (or should I say, the more my wincing defensiveness allows my hearing to relax). I often get into the bathtub with music playing in the other room thet I can barely hear, but after a half hour of soaking, I have relaxed enough thet the music becomes so irritatingly loud thet I have to get out and turn it down. See my AIT page.
One sound, however, that I loved was the sound of anything metallic. Unfortunately for my mother, the doorbell fell into this category, and I spent ages obsessively ringing it. After I copped a bashing for this, they took out the batteries. However, an obsession is an obsession. I took the backing plate off the doorbell, and continued to set it off manually from inside the door.
Instead of beating this child, they should have gotten her a xylophone, on which she could have become a maestro.
I will never forgive my parents for intentionally destroying everything I was ever interested in (read: fixated on).
When I was in a talkative mood, I would often talk on and on about something that interested me. The older I got, the more interested I became in things, and the longer I would go on about them. I really was not interested in discussing anything; nor did I expect answers or opinions from the other person, and I would often ignore them or talk over them if they interrupted. The only thing that was important to me was to talk in a effort to answer my own questions, which I often did.
This is the typically Aspergian Little Professor way of lecturing at people, rather than talking with, or even to, them. I constantly talk to myself, in my effort to answer my own questions; a prime example is demonstrated above wherein I asked myself, "How is it going, Chryssie?"
Nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words, thus I must hear my own voice talking those words before the emotions they represent mean anything to me.
People often ignored my chatter, thinking that I was making a series of statements rather than asking questions in the only way I could.
I have always made a statement, and then asked if it was correct, rather than simply asking the question. This intimidates all people, which irritates me beyond tolerance. I no longer do that much - I am so grateful for the Internet, from which I can get all the answers I want (without having to interact with the infantile and the brain-dead).
This was complicated by the fact that I ignored or spoke over anything they said in response. Nevertheless, it was important for me to know they were listening, so I began to open all my sentances with, "Hey", or "You know what?", and to end them with, "You know?", "Right?", or "Okay?" These idiosyncrasies became so predictable that people would make fun of me, mockingly anticipating my unusual beginnings and endings.
See Mr Mackey (from the TV show South Park) give lectures rather than have conversations, ending each with "Mmm'kay?"
She says thet anytime she spoke about herself, people thought she was "wonking" in intelligible gibberish.
Then when she spoke about others, I remember, when I was about 7, how I got a slap in the face for walking into someone's house and announcing, "It is very dirty in here", and following it up by enthusiastically informing the 1-armed host thet he "only has one arm!" This was fairly typical of me, and I came to earn myself a reputation as outspoken, rude, and hurtful. Thus proving all people are Paranoid Schizophrenics, terrified, their mouse-fart egos wincing in pain over an innocent remark from an awkward child.
This has been an on-going exasperation-inducer for me my whole life long. Nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words, thus I state out loud the obvious so I can hear what I am seeing. And since all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenics (they think everything is about them and an attack on them), they lash out like wounded animals at me for (get this) "condescendingly attempting to spoon-feed indignant me the obvious!", when I was oblivious they were even there! This compulsive lashing out at me in "self-defense" never fails to emotionally floor me every time - and poor Donna was actually slapped in the face for it.
Later this quality sometimes came to earn me respect as someone who was "never afraid to say what she thinks."
In this life, one single person said they respected me for being "point-blank honest all the time." All others were terrified of it. This is where compulsive liars (like my mother) come from - they are afraid of truth.
When I am feeling especially hostile toward the Normals for them being offended thet I told the truth, I say, "That is the advantage to being Autistic; I get to say what I feel and you do not." The level of contempt I feel toward them while reciting that sentance feels good to me; it is a gloating feeling.
Concerning shutting out the world: I believe I was like this because of a constant changing state of awareness. My home life only affected some of the forms my behavior took, though not the behavior itself. I did not close out the world because of the violence, so much as the violence was closed out because it was one of many parts of the world.
I reject women, not because they are all sexual deviants who insist on making a fight out of everything, but because they are people.
Donna has "Indigo" psychic visions.
Every morning, like a rock, I learned to tolerate being hugged. I told her that being hugged hurt me, and that it felt like I was being burned.
The touch of most people feels like a burn to me - pretty much everyone but babies and animals.
Donna is musically gifted like me, Echopraxically playing piano at first glance with no lessons - as I did with drums.
I had created a beautiful piece of music. It was a classical waltz with melody and accompaniment. My mother walked into the room, catching me by surprise (like me, she knew her mother was the enemy she had to hide everything from).
"I know what this is", she said snarlingly.
"I made it up", I replied.
"No you didn't", she retorted. "That is Beethoven."
It was meant to be an insult, but she never knew how much she had complimented me. I could not blame her for her jealousy. It seemed I had the Midas Touch for all the things she so admired, and at which her sister so excelled, but she was incapable of - artistic and creative ability.
My mother satisfied her own insecurity by emphasizing that people who played by ear could not learn to read music. She began to take lessons and, in fierce competition with her daughter who was in no way trying to compete, did extremely well.
As if to prove her point, she took me for an introductory music lesson. The woman teacher told me to forget entirely anything I thought I knew about music. She was there to undo such bad learning habits and teach me the discipline of music "properly".
Predictably, I would not follow the teacher's instructions, and would not co-operate. Satisfied, my mother gloated viciously over my obvious "failure".
My father, a professional music teacher, refused to teach me anything about music, for he was terrified I might 1 day surpass him. "You are no better than the rest of us!" being one of his favorite engramic phrases.
When I quit the music business, I gave my brother some of my equipment he needed for his studio. His mouse-fart of an ego was terrified, and in an acidy contempt he refused to take the equipment. For I had of course (in his paranoid delusions) only offered it out of condescension, spoon-feeding the weakling my equipment he was too stupid and incompetent to acquire on his own. That is how he saw my every attempt to be nice - my typical Asperger strong desire to be a mentor spat upon as he slapped my generous hand.
Her poor father (apparently an undiagnosed Asperger) desperately wanted to bridge the gap (the mother had intentionally caused) between him and his children.
My mother sought to convince me that my father was "looking at me". I began to ignore my father as my mother had so actively encouraged. Sadly it was the last effort at reaching me that my father was to make for 3 years.
Sexuality had always disturbed me, probably because of how claustrophobic I felt when other people came near me. My mother took every available opportunity to put me down and physically abuse me for any signs of femininity. This type of shit from my mother was what made me come to identify with mutilated hermaphrodites and publish several zines on the subject as a political activist for ISNA.
My hatred became my only realness. And when I was not angry, I said Sorry for breathing, for taking up space, and even began to say Sorry for saying sorry. This total denial of a right to live was a consequence of learning to act Normal. Everything outside of me told me that my survival was to rest on my act of acting Normal. On the inside I knew that by definition this meant that whatever and whoever I was naturally was unworthy of acceptance, belonging, or even life.
It seemed I was in paradise, surrounded by racks and shelves of colored garments, shiny shoes, rows of numerically ordered packages. Everything was arranged in aisles. It seemed almost unbelievable that I would be expected to do something I loved most: put things in order. It was a world of guarantees, and this department store even offered those too.
I was "the best little worker they had". Heads of various departments would ask to "borrow" me to tidy up the mess in their departments, which I would do in record time, in every detail. If there was anything slightly out of place, I had to straiten it; and doing this, restoring order, made me feel secure. Despite this, I was being continually reminded of my "attitude problem."
My father had been deeply hurt by my leaving, and had begun snubbing me when I phoned. My 2 brothers rejected me as someone who had proved to them that they were as worthless as discarded rubbish. My mother told anyone who asked that I had left because I was a slut.
I moved every 2 months, and when I was not moving house, I changed jobs.
In a clinical, matter-of-fact manner, I was able to relate some of the most horrific experiences of my past with very little feeling for these incidents at all. It was simple. So little of what had happened around me had actually reached me. Even when something had happened to my body, it was as though my body was either a mere object existing in the world, or at other times, a wall between my world within and the world outside.
Fear of confinement, fear of rejection, fear of hopelessness, and fear of desertion - such things were generally triggered by talking about the happy things: My grandparents, my father when I was small, and my little brother up until he was 3. These fears, however, were not the cause of my problems, but the crippling result of my efforts after I began to participate in and try to reach out in the world. Such fears had never caused my withdrawal and psychic retreat. I had done this even while I was with the few people who were honorary objects in my world. My retreat was most often the response to that which tested my gentler emotions. I had no trouble with the coarser ones.
I think most people are like this, expressing fake toughness out of fear of their sensitive feelings being vulnerable. Fake toughness, fake bravado, fake indifference. "Ask me if I care", said with a belligerent jeer, to compensate for the fact they are on the verge of tears because they do in fact care so much it hurts. What wimps.
I love how she refers to "the few people who were honorary objects in my world." My 6th album was songs about my love life. It was titled "Love Objects", for that was all women were to me - something I fell in love at, rather than with; temporary honorary objects.
My father and I had never really been allowed to talk to each other freely since I was about 3 years old. He had always been barked down by my mother, who jealously insisted that he should not "waffle back" at me. It was assumed that anything I said as a child was not much more than mindless chatter, and my mother was not going to encourage this by letting someone talk to me on my own level.
My father's actions became his words: his laugh, the tone of his voice, the way he sang or whistled, and the way he would make objects speak. He would make the cats dance and sing. He would make a matchbox talk to a cigarette pack.
My father had never encouraged me to do anything, though he was enthusiastic about anything with which I was enthusiastic.
My biology teacher found out I could not add or subtract. I had been confused by my earlier math teacher who had asked me to show all my work on paper. I had my own system up until then, which had worked just fine. When I could not learn theirs, I had also assumed that, although correct, if I could not show my calculations then my system must be no good. As I never learned their system, I continued unsuccessfully to try to use it, never reverting back to my own logic.
This disgusts me. I am a genius, but the utterly evil school system intentionally tried to destroy my own unique way of thinking. I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever in public school, other than how to hate. Her Biology teacher recognized she could not even add or subtract - it had certainly not been her Math quote-unquote "teacher". Typical!
The hypnotic fascination I had for the spots in the air left me with very little sensation of my own body, except for the shock and repulsion of the invasion of physical closeness. Even the comfort I derived from being picked up by my grandmother was found, not in snuggling up to her, but in holding the chain around her neck or enmeshing my fingers in her crocheted cardigan.
One of the best things in life is playing drums until I work myself into a trance and leave my body. That feeling of being outside the body completely is tremendously spiritual, but I feel so giddy I cannot sustain it, which is horrible.
I looked up at the figure of my mother. I looked down at the opened tin of cold spaghetti in front of me, and was aware of the fork in my hand.
I had not heard the introduction: the threat of death against my spilling a single drop of food. I never connected the repeated slapping with the event. It was just a series of of shocks. I felt the dishcloth being forced into my mouth. It made me gag. I was choking as I vomited up against it.
The pleading voice of my Aunt was at war with the cutting snarl of my mother's voice. I glanced at the cord as though it was a snake. It began to whip my face. I could not cry, or speak, or scream. I looked at my Aunt, collapsed on the cold smooth surface of the table, and vomited through my nose. I thought I had drowned.
I went home, curled up in a ball, and rocked for 3 days.
She constantly mentions Willie and Carol, her alter-egos she would try on to survive this abuse. She never developed multiple personalities, only consciously-invented alter-egos.
All 4 of my siblings have Paranoid Schizophrenia, and 2 of them are Psychotic, and 1 has several multiples. The only reason I am more normal than any of them is because I was the only Autistic. Thus I was not in touch with my own body, had no reference-point for language nor emotions, was clueless as to what was going on most of the time, and was thus an ignorance-is-bliss deer in headlights (see my review of the movie My Name Is Kahn, wherein while he was being tortured with intentional freezing and roasting, he naively offered to repair their heating and cooling system. Because he was Autistic, he was oblivious to the fact they were torturing him!).
Autism saved me from the fate of my barking-mad siblings. How ironic.
I was now in my 3rd year of University. I had learned to make sense of sociology in terms of my own experiences. I had dropped philosophy, and began to choose subjects that were more closely aligned to the areas in which I thought I might find the answers I was looking for. I had begun to try to find out about myself. I had become known for my strangely detached and outspoken viewpoints of the usefulness, or lack thereof, of what I was learning. I had begun to earn popularity as myself to an extent.
If I could have lied, it would have been easy, but any lie would have given away more about what I had to hide than my ability to hide did.
In (my review of) the book Exiting Nirvana, Clara said: The inability to lie convincingly could pass as a diagnostic indicator of Autism. It is not surprising that it is mirrored by a corresponding inability to recognize deception. Temple Grandin speaks of her difficulty in allowing for the possibility of insincerity; Paul McDonnell tells us how easily a "friend" was able to borrow, then steal, the money he had worked all summer to earn. Temple and Paul navigate in the world as Jessica cannot, but they are like her in this way. Autistic people are no better at recognizing insincerity than in performing it.
In Aspergers Syndrome specifically, a superior sense of Ethics is a designated symptom.
Out of curiosity children would drag their parents into the store, and often the parents would be conned into buying something.
The shop's sales doubled, despite the fact I had to be told continually to pay more attention to the customers than to my compulsive rearrangement of the merchandise. One little girl, captured by the charm of my evasiveness, came up to me and tapped my arm.
"Are you a real Faerie?"
"Yes."
In the book The Siege, Clara says, concerning her Autistic child, it was as if the Faeries came and took her child and left one of theirs in her place. Later one of her neighbors said the same thing. Obviously a magical creature, but completely unfathomable.
It was not until the clinic used the method of injecting me with various food substances that it was discovered that I was indeed suffering from extreme multiple food allergies.
I was allergic to all meat except beef, all dairy, eggs, soy, potatoes, tomatoes, and corn.
I was also put through a 6-hour blood-sugar test and found to be suffering from severe Hypoglycemia. What this effectively meant was that I had to eat every 2 hours in order to avoid a sudden and dramatic drop in my blood-sugar level, causing me to tremble, turn blue, and faint. Hypoglycemia is caused by the Tetanus shot.
I had to rid myself of chronic rheumatism and asthma. They used electronic equipment to test the effects of food chemicals upon the body's electromagnetic field. I was found to be allergic to a group of chemicals called Phenolics and Salicylates, which are common in many fruits, vegetables, herbs, and spices. Although many of those foods contain substances beneficial to most people, those same substances were slowly poisoning me.
I stayed on the diet for a year. My boss was amazed. I had begun to talk calmly and patiently to the customers, even when they became impatient with me. I became more peaceful than manic and aggressive.
It was too late to undo the ability to feel, and I now found it harder and harder to hold onto the characters of Willie and Carol. Since being on a special diet to avoid food and chemical sensitivities, and to maintain my blood-sugar level, I was stabilizing physically. With this came the loss of the characters, some of the energy for whom had been fueled by the anxiety-provoking effects of allergic reactions. I could still act, but I could no longer shut myself out as before.
This miraculous transformation was produced by removing food she was allergic to. At this point she is apparently still eating Gluten and Casein! I cannot say enough times how obvious it is thet Autism is as much an intestinal problem as it is a neurological 1. All these things thet were considered (negative) character traits were actually just symptoms of a (intestinal) disorder.
Like me, she could be practically cured by next removing Gluten and Casein (along with soy, apples, and yeast) from her diet.
Similar to her having the alter-egos of Carol and Willie, I was in perpetual alternating states of rage and despair due to my diet. It did not manifest as alter-egos, but were definitely polar opposite emotions. I had plenty of things to justifiably feel rage and despair about, but it was outright rage-attacks and suicidal despair, with perpetual frantic anxiety.
I finally divorced my abusive lunatic family and moved 3 states away. That eliminated the cause of my legitimate hatred and depression, but it was the changing of the diet thet alleviated my uncontrollable emotional fluctuations.
Certainly my situation was heightened by the effects of multiple food allergies. Untreated, severe food intolerances can cause brain damage, arising from both toxicity and malnutrition due to malabsorption. At the same time, metabolic problems may lead to an inability to adjust adequately to different foods, resulting in the sensitization that leads to food intolerance. It therefore works both ways; Severe food intolerance can lead to brain-damage, but some forms of brain-damage can also manifest themselves in food intolerance.
She moves to England where she meets an Asperger man.
We sat there, swapping trivia, talking via objects and events, and losing our self-awareness in the evasive jargon and complexity of the poetry-like speech that so often got our listeners lost.
Like the little girl in the shop had done a year before, he reached out and touched my arm.
"Are you real?" he asked. "I felt like you just walked through me."
The children were being put to bed. Anne screamed in terrified hysterics as 1 of the "professionals" sat on the bed, tucking a doll in next to her, which seemed to horrify her all the more. Oh, these symbols of normality. Oh, these reminders that one is meant to be comforted by people, and if one cannot, one is meant to at least be comforted by their effigies.
The woman sitting on Anne's bed was screaming at her over and over again to shut up, and propping the doll back in it's place with every shove Anne made to push it away. It was more than I could take. I physically moved the woman out of the way, moved the doll, and gave Anne my brush. Anne ran her fingers repetitively through the bristles, listening to the soft, barely audible sound in her ear and the sensation on her hand. I hummed a repetitive tune and tapped her arm in time. Give her something consistent to hold onto, I thought. There will be all the time in the world for the "experts" to undo it.
Anne's crossed eyes were frozen in a dead stare, and she became silent between the sobs. I took her hand and made her tap her own arm, the tune and the rhythm and the tapping held constant.
She uncrossed her eyes for the first time since I had met her, and looked directly into my face as she tapped and hummed.
Someone grabbed suddenly for Anne, to pile her onto the bus. She again went into hysterics. Then her hand went up to her arm and she tapped herself, humming the tune. The bus started up, and she allowed herself to be strapped in. As she calmed down, the tapping and humming stopped. Anne was learning she could control her own anxiety and level of overwhelming input.
She calmed herself down, and climbed out of the bus. I walked ahead across the grass. On tip-toe, Anne half-ran half-stumbled as she made her way to where I was. She took my hand.
I have been reviewing these books long enough thet I am no longer curious to find new ways of reaching these kids. By now I know it all, thus it only makes me angry to read of "professionals" and "experts" torturing and abusing these kids ("torture" and "abuse" of trying to make them sleep with a doll, or be sociable). There is no excuse for someone referring to themselves as an "expert" while being that clueless as to the first thing about Autism - screaming at an Autistic child to shut up while forcing her to connect with an effigy of a human. I want to throw that screaming abuser out the window.
I would place Schizophrenia at the opposite end of the scale from Autism. The criterion for such a scale would be the degree of sensitivity of the automatic cut-off mechanism that stops emotional overload. In the Autistic this is over-sensitive and triggered too easily. In the Normal person, this probably only comes into action in extreme shock-producing situations and is short-lived. Schizophrenia is the breakdown of the mind that occurs when this ability to cut off is not sensitive enough to protect the mind from mental breakdown. This is why I believe that, while it may sometimes look like it, Autism is not a form of madness. If anything, Autism is an extreme example of a mechanism that acts to protect sanity.
Autistics being social deer in headlights, oblivious thet anyone else even exists, as opposed to Schizophrenics who have paranoid delusions about everyone being out to get them. Then the polar opposite, wherein Autistics are overly-sensitive to anything happening outside their own body (extreme sensitivity to sound, light, scent, etc), while Schizophrenics are so obsessed with themselves they sense sounds and sights thet are not even there, resulting in paranoid delusions and hallucinations.
My four siblings and both of my parents are Paranoid Schizophrenics.
In my case, my mind knows that affection and kindness will not kill me, yet my emotional response defies logic, telling me that good feelings and gentle and loving touch can kill me or at the very least cause me pain. When I try to ignore this message, I go into what would seem to be a state of shock, where what is comming in is either incomprehensible or has no significance. This state leads to my emotions committing suicide, leaving me without physical or emotional feelings and with a purely robotic mental response, if that.
At the same time, the sub-conscious desire to escape this emotional prison is probably why such people are sometimes thought of as geniuses - resulting in Asperger Fixated Subjects the person becomes an expert on, or Autistic obsessive pattern-recognition. The Aspie obsessive collecting and listing of facts and figures, or the Autistic obsessive arranging of patterns, are predictable, thus "making sense" of that which physical and emotional feelings do not.
I rejected all contact because it robbed me of the security I found in my ability to lose myself through color, sound, pattern, and rhythm. This was no great paradise, but it was my sanctuary from the fear of death good emotions gave me.
It was practically inevitable thet I would become a drummer who would work myself into a trance and leave my body through repetitious pattern recognition, and an obsessive music composer, for musical notes were the only things I could keep track of - I wrote and recorded 180 songs in 3 years. I also wrote and published 55 zines in the following 4 years; this Hyperlexic obsessive arranging of words also kept me sane. I became especially prolific during the time when I was working the job wherein I would dump out buckets of random nuts and bolts to obsessively sort them into tiny boxes to keep me from having an anxiety-attack from working a day-job.
As an Echolalic child, I did not understand the use of words because I was in too great of a state of stress and fear to hear anything other than patterned sound.
In consolation to those who have children who have never spoken, something I know from creating songs may help. For me, the words were already in the patterns of the music; they sprang from it. When I heard speech as only patterns of sound, my mind somehow read the meaning of the pattern and I often responded as was expected regardless of not having consciously understood.
This is seen in Jessica Park (see my review of the book The Siege), wherein she would sing patterns of notes but could not understand words. Also in the documentary Autism: The Musical, Lexi could hardly speak words at all but could sing entire songs in perfect English (and perfect pitch). And as I have said repeatedly, Gary Numan, Bjork, and Anna Homler, all write song lyrics in gibberish (because they are Autistic), for the sound-patterns they sing have an emotional definition to them, whether or not they are in actual words.
As a child my CAPD was bad enough thet I could not understand spoken word (people talking sounded like a Hummazoo). I thus learned to understand the emotional definitions of the notes they hit while talking, rather than the meaning of the words. This led me to compose my first song by the age of 5, though I still could not fully understand spoken word.
Donna spends a few pages explaining "Language In My World":
1) The matching or pairing of objects. Making connections between things. Showing thet relationships between 2 or more things can exist.
2) The ordering of objects and symbols. Proving thet belonging exists, and giving myself hope thet I too could 1 day feel thet I belonged in the world. Also creating order thus making the world a more comprehensible place.
3) Patterns. Continuity. The reassurance that things will stay the same long enough for me to find a place within the complex situations around me. As surrounding circles, these set up a means of protection from invasion from the outside world.
4) Blinking compulsively. To slow things down and make them seem more detached.
5) Dropping things repetitively. Proving that escape to freedom is possible.
I am not sure I understand what she is saying here. I think it is partly a tantrum-like behavior of intentionally tossing things onto the floor as a way of teaching yourself to allow accidents to happen and not be so obsessive and panicky about it. Escaping to the freedom of letting go.
This was a place thet was very hard for me to get to. I was 36 when I started to realize I had Obsessive Personality Disorder. It took me a decade to let go of it. I had to throw the tantrum of "This is too much work! I am not doing it!", and throw something onto the ground. I formerly worked myself to nervous breakdowns flogging dead horses in tears of raging frustration because nothing was ever perfect enough, and of course it was entirely my responsibility to fix the world. I was an extreme example of the obsessive workaholic, but all I accomplished with it was to maintain my perpetual state of rage and panic.
10 years ago I would have collapsed into tears of despair attempting to do the day-job I had when I lived in Las Cruces, wherein I sat around, stood around, or drove around as a Security Guard (I loved that zero-stress job). There was a time (most of my life) when I had to be frantically stirring 8 pots boiling over on the front burner all at once, burning myself in the process, in tears of panic because there were so many other stoves thet I did not have the time to obsess over. It was ridiculous. I shat blood every day and had panic-attacks in my sleep.
7) Jumping. This action also gave hope. Getting one's whole body into a rhythm, as with rocking.
I was never into jumping off of high places. I feel thet if I had done so, my soul would have fallen slower than my body, and thus I would get lost in space. I was never exactly in my body enough to be able to keep track of it to that extent. I can leave my body playing drums. I would be afraid to sky-dive or bungie-jump because I would probably be knocked out of my body in the process.
8) Rocking from 1 foot to another.
She describes this as symbolic preparation to take a running leap. I see that as a Stim to relieve anxiety, like a cat pacing in a cage.
See my review of Autism: The Musical wherein Lexi goes from being a very Normal bright child, to a zombie rocking from foot to foot. Her parents had filmed this, and it is horrible to watch - I cannot imagine anyone not being brought almost to tears at the sight of it. In Lexi's case, it was not an anxiety Stim, it was the polar opposite of her withdrawing so deeply thet she was incapable of acknowledging anything outside herself. As she rocked side to side, she rubbed her eye with her thumb, absorbed in the colors thet result from pushing hard on your eyeball. Some Autistic kids actually poke their eyes out.
Anyway, I was never preparing to take a running leap. I was always running in panic away from anxiety and toward new obsessions. I also would go for walks every day as a way of calming myself after having spent 6 hours obsessively writing myself into a frenzy every day. My walks were more like tromps.
9) Stims.
Hand-flapping, spinning one's self, spinning objects, tapping things, etc. These are done to relieve anxiety.
All Autistics do this, even if it manifests as being fixated on a specific subject. Thinking about 1 subject obsessively is an anxiety-relieving Stim, because it gives one control of where one's mind goes - as opposed to Attention Deficit-ing all over the place, which causes anxiety over the loss of one's ability to maintain focus.
10) Head-banging. To fight tension and provide a thudding rhythm in my head when my mind was screaming too loud for me to be able to hum or repeat a hypnotic tune to calm myself.
I have never banged my head or hit myself or done any other self-injurious behavior. As I said, I have never been in my body that much. Obsessively composing music in my head, chanting gibberish words, talking to myself while walking for miles, roaring and shouting in rage, reading and writing obsessively, running home from work every day to play drums for hours, etc, were my Stims of choice. I did occasionally bite myself, but it was about the spongy feeling on my teeth, not my arms being bitten.
11) Staring past things. An attempt to take-in what was happening around me while escaping the fear by experiencing a visual image indirectly (this is manifested as gaze-aversion). Similarly, I would lose my ability to play music if I looked at my fingers and thought about what I was doing. If I looked away and switched to auto-pilot, the music flowed and I could create. All things had to be indirect; I constantly had to trick my mind so it would relax enough to take things in.
I have to read lips while you talk, otherwise I have difficulty understanding you. But most Autistics have difficulty looking you in the eye if you are talking to them. And (like me) they are practically incapable of looking at anyone if they are talking to you.
And this auto-pilot playing of music is how I was able to leave my body; I would hover 10 feet above my body as it played overly-complex drum beats by it's self - I had no thought of what it was actually doing.
And as for spinning objects; I never look directly at the things I am spinning. It is more the physical syncing of both hands as they mutually participate in the action of spinning something.
12) Laughing. Often a release of fear, tension, and anxiety. My true feelings were too protected to really show anything so direct. This is called "nervous laughter".
I was never superficial like that, I always vented anxiety with overt expressions of rage, though only when I was alone.
My Paranoid Schizophrenic brother has an especially big problem with laughter or even smiling. If I have a honest grin on my face, he has a panic reaction, so obsessed with his steely-eyed stiff-upper lip superficial jerk over-compensation for his inferiority and persecution complexes.
13) Clapping has always been a better indication of pleasure with me than laughter. However, clapping also indicated finality - the signaling of the end of 1 event and the beginning of another.
14) Staring into space or through things - also spinning things or one's self. A means of losing awareness of self in order to relax or cope with the inability to express one's self, or feel anything.
15) Tearing paper. Symbolically disintegrating the threat of closeness. A symbolic act of separation from others in order to reduce fear. I often did this when I had to say goodbye to anyone, in order to not feel any sense of desertion or loss.
This 1 strikes me as odd. I feel nothing about dumping people, nor do I feel an insecurity about getting close to someone only to be disappointed by them leaving me later. The fear of loss or abandonment are things thet do not affect me at all. I have a very jaded attitude about my houses burning down, and all people ending up being abusive. "Die - I will not notice" is not just a sarcastic remark. Really - I am not able to care if you leave.
16) Breaking glass. Symbolically shattering the invisible wall between myself and others.
I was never into breaking things. My tantrums were seldom violent. I was also a Poverty Thinker, wherein I wanted to salvage and fix everything, and would be horrified by waste, and thought vandals should be executed. I never saw it as a wall between me and others; it was always a chasm I struggled to bridge, not just between me and people, but also between me and the physical world.
17) Fascination for colored and shiny objects. A tool for self-hypnosis needed to help me calm down and relax. Also, closeness to particular people lives within these objects whether or not they were actually given to me by those people. I had merely assigned them these connections because they captured the feel of these people.
Collecting objects thet symbolized people is not something I ever did, nor having invisible friends of any specificity. I talk to myself, not to imaginary friends. I felt affection for animals, and later felt very attracted to nature, eating wild berries and leaves was a form of relationship with nature to me. I also loved eating icicles off of lava rock, and I was sexually attracted to waterfalls - especially if they were covered in icicles. I used to name my cars, and had a very close relationship with my motorcycle - but these were not necessarily replacements for people.
18) Hurting myself, and also knowingly doing embarrassing things to cause a shock reaction in others. Testing to see if I am actually real.
Having people honestly believe she is a Faerie or somehow unreal, it was apparently her psychic energy thet was not concentrated in her body but floating in the space around her. Also her dissociation from her body due to the physical abuse would make her presence feel vague, both to her and to others.
My psychic energy was always so concentrated and obvious it intimidated people. Paranoid Schizophrenics were forever lashing out at me because I was "looking at them", or were in great embarrassment telling me to "stop showing off", when I was oblivious anyone was even there!
I never did anything to "get a rise" out of people. In fact, even when I was playing live shows as a professional musician, I was irritated beyond tolerance by the audience. I would throw up after the shows to relieve the tension, not before the show as stage-fright. I never had stage-fright because the people in the audience did not matter to me. I was there to play music, period, not interact with people; i.e., if I played in a forest and there were no people there to hear it, would I still kick ass? Yes, because it is about music, not people.
Her "knowingly doing embarrassing things to cause a shock reaction in others" is what I would call Under-compensation. See my explanation of this in my review of the movie Lars and the Real Girl.
19) Deliberate soiling (she means intentionally shitting her pants). It was a subconscious drive towards conscious self-awareness and "freedom to be". It was an act of self-assuredly breaking free of excessive self-control through defying that behavior which conformity and self-control are so demanded, and disgust from others is so easily inspired. It was at the same time an expression of frustration at having to conform without actually getting any emotional reward from this conformity. It is an act of self-determination, proving that one can let go of self-control in exchange for control over external expectation. The self-assurance of "freedom to be" that one gets from this act gives one the courage to keep trying to reach out, to come out of my withdrawal. And as annoying as it must be to parents, I must say that it was am important phase I had to get through in order to progress.
Autistic kids are renown for being extremely difficult to toilet train. I was the opposite. I was very readily trained, and forever infuriated by my spastic colon and vaccine-damaged gut making me pass (occasionally in my pants) bloody stools and yellow slime thet smelled like burning plastic - which was clearly my body expelling the vaccines. Clear in to my 30s I would feel very angry if I needed to take a shit, I hated my body telling me what to do - in anger I would hold it as long as possible. I would often have dreams of desperately needing to shit but not being able to find a discreet place to do it.
It is also a way of making one's surroundings symbolically part of one's world, which is the beginning of accepting a world outside the confines of one's own body.
Scent-marking your territory. The Hollywood movie cliche of a mental hospital with feces smeared on the wall comes to mind - what is being symbolically expressed when people do that?
I was always very casual with where I did it; I mean, some people are neurotic about only using their own toilet at home, and have to drive clear across town to their own house, rather than using a public toilet. That strikes me as absurd. I can go anywhere (there is a proper bathroom). It was never a marking territory type of thing with me.
It was like how I eat. I eat when I am hungry, not because it is a specific time of day, or the "proper place" for a meal. Eating and shitting are just bodily functions, and as such I only do them when I am by myself. I am uncomfortable eating with people, and would be equally uncomfortable taking a shit in front of someone. Whereas most Autistic kids shit all over, or at least in their pants, to mark their territory and rebel against control, and also to find their own location, and set out a scent-boundary of where that is.
I have felt very angry all my life about the social neurosis about farting. Having a typical Autistic gut, I have (up until 5 years ago when I went on the GF/CF Diet) usually had extreme amounts of gas and bleeding, and me being socially required to sit there white as a sheet with my anus clenching in rage was outright abusive of society. As Donna said above, It was at the same time an expression of frustration at having to conform without actually getting any emotional reward from this conformity.
Me getting no reward for abusing my own body in exchange for acceptance from a society I hated.
I never threw a tantrum of intentionally shitting my pants or smearing feces all over "my territory", or intentionally farting loudly in antagonism, but I understand why some Autistics do it. If I had a child (Autistic or not), she would be naked most of the time and shit when she damn-well felt like it.
Only after I started motorcycle adventure riding did I come to a truce between my body and me, being a "leave no trace" camper and attending to my poo with respect for future campers - at last at peace with the world and my vague place in it (camping alone in the wilderness).
The best way I could have been given things would have been for them to be placed near me with no expectation of thanks and no waiting for a response. To expect a thank-you or a response was to alienate me from the item that prompted the response.
This is me. I hate when someone attempts to give me a gift, for it always proves they have no clue who I am, in thet they always give me the wrong thing, and then expect me to be grateful (expressed in superficial social niceties). This makes me feel very lonely, knowing they will never understand me. It also makes me outright angry. Never give me a gift! Give me cash so I can buy what I actually need. I detest presents.
The seeming indifference (to the act of the person giving the gift) would actually demonstrate awareness and sensitivity to the child's problems in coping with directness. Furthermore, the child will be able to develop more of a self-knowing, it has reached out to the other person for the meaning in what is being said, rather than being in the role of a passive object being imposed upon at a pace it cannot keep up with when confronted with direct interaction.
I felt absolute rage toward my parents for being Paranoid Schizophrenics who thought my whole existence was entirely for the sake of justifying their self-hatred. I had to write everything down in order to make sense of it. My evil parents would then go through my garbage, read what I had written (TO MYSELF) and project their paranoia onto it and then attack me for something I never said (to them). They would often search my room for any magazine or book I had, read it, project all sorts of evil into it, and then attack me for what was never said in the magazine, and never even thought of by me!
They thought my every book was acquired for the sake of (childish abusive) me to "get a rise" out of them. My dad often used that term, "You are just trying to get a rise out of your mother", said with a belligerent jeering disgust, when I had not done anything they were expected to even notice. In fact I did nothing at all, period! They believed everything thet was written was spitefully planted for them to read and hate.
And that is the end of this book.
I spent more time here talking about myself than reviewing Donna's book. That is why this is such a good book. It makes me want to tell my story as much as she told hers.
Donna also wrote a part 2, called Somebody Somewhere (see my review below).
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The extraordinary autobiography of an Autistic
by Donna Williams
This is a very popular book; you can go into any used book-store and find several copies on the shelf. There is a reason for this - it is a really good book.
The forward was written by Bernard Rimland, who, based in San Diego CA since the 40's, was the founder (in 1965) of The Autism Society of America, and the founder and director of the Autism Research Institute (in 1967). He has long been internationally recognized as an authority on Autism Spectrum Disorders, and is the father of an Autistic child.
He introduces the book: Donna reports that many of her symptoms were traceable to certain food-allergies, and that her brain reacted badly when her vitamin supply was insufficient. I encountered my first case of milk-allergy-caused Autism in 1967, and have since become aware of hundreds of children who's behavior greatly improves when cow's milk, wheat, eggs, or other common foods are removed from their diet. There are now 16 studies in the world literature (2 by me) showing that almost half of all Autistics need larger amounts of vitamin B6, and the mineral Magnesium than do non-Autistic persons. Part of the problem of Autism is thus obviously biochemical, as opposed to neurological.
My symptoms have been profoundly alleviated by me going on the GF/CF Diet, and I have always been prone to Magnesium deficiency.
People with Autism display 3 major kinds of behavior:
1) They are emotionally unresponsive, and sometimes actively avoid interacting with or relating to people. This is referred to as Flat Effect. In babies this is often shown by failure to maintain eye-contact or display feelings through facial-expressions.
I still am somewhat uncomfortable looking people in the eye, especially if they are smiling at me, though I have greatly improved in my ability to at least briefly do so since going on the GF/CF Diet. In older children, it may be indicated by the child's failure to make friends or to be able to play in the company of other children. I have never had a friend nor a playmate. In fact I was 36 before I realized I did not know how to play or have fun.
2) They are relatively unresponsive to other people's speech, and may have impaired, abnormal, or little or no speech of their own.
I have learned to smile and make eye-contact with someone who is joking, thus displaying thet I recognize they are joking, and I always "get" the joke, but I never understand why they are joking, or what on Earth I should say in response.
Children with Autism often speak in a monotonous or oddly-pitched tone of voice, and frequently echo things said to them, for no apparent reason. This is called Echolalia, and is 1 of my worst remaining symptoms (I only echo to myself what I have said aloud myself).
3) They display rigid, stereotyped behavior in which they may insist on a very unchanging environment, or carry out repetitive, purposeless activities such as lining up (unrelated) objects repeatedly, or counting (irrelevant) things over and over again.
Attempts by others to interrupt such children's routines or to change their environment make them quite distressed. This distress may result in intense displays of temper, biting themselves, banging their heads, or punching themselves.
I definitely still find it almost impossible to refrain from throwing a tantrum if I am interrupted in any way (see what I said about "The Office Scenario" in my review of theb book The Uncharted Path).
Then the book begins:
Donna is typically Autistic in her inability to understand what other people mean by what they say, and sometimes is unable to even understand the words. She also has difficulty expressing herself in spoken words, but is quite capable at writing.
This too is like me; I am a horrible speaker but an excellent writer. In my case this is due mainly to my aversion to interacting with people physically, or face-to-face. I can spill my guts and cry to the whole world through writing, but when talking face to face, I always edit out at least half of what I meant to say because I simply do not want to talk to anyone. All people are intimidated by me when I do talk, because I over-explain everything into the ground with such mind-boggling detail thet they become overwhelmed (intimidated by my intellectual superiority). I also have that annoying inability to determine when the job is finished, thus I repeat myself several times, each time in different words. The person I am talking to thus assumes I believe they are too stupid to understand, and become offended thet I am apparently condescendingly spoon-feeding them, when the facts are I simply did not realize I had already said it twice before. This leads me to conclude thet all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenics with persecution complexes (a chip on their shoulder and a stick up their ass). Thus I am left with no interest in talking to anyone - other than to exchange needed information (the Normals never say what they mean, while I take them literally. Meanwhile I always say exactly what I mean, but they never take me literally. This is exasperating to me). So I now so seldom talk to anyone, and when I do I really try not to repeat myself, thus I end up saying only half of what I wanted to actually say. It is just pointless to talk to anyone.
Understandably, in view of her experiences (with her abusive parents) and disability, there are a number of activities she finds extremely difficult, such as physically touching others, and being with people in a strange room.
Like all Autistics, I too have an aversion to touching people, and especially being touched by them (other than little kids, which I adore). It always feels like their touch is burning me. I long ago gave up on sex, because from my perspective all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes - I hate the way they touch me.
Also (like Donna) I had horrifically abusive parents.
The discomfort with strange rooms is the classic Autistic difficulty in finding one's own location. I need to be alone in a new place until I have found where I am in it. Only then can I tolerate other people being there - I easily get lost inside buildings, and am infuriated if other people are there (while I am lost).
Rabbits ate lettuce. I liked rabbits, so I ate lettuce. I loved colored glass. Jelly looked like colored glass, so I ate jelly. I ate dirt, flowers, grass, bark, and plastic when I was 13 years old. If I liked something, I would try to lose myself in my fascination for it. Things, unlike people, were welcome to become part of me. This is called Pica - the compulsion to ingest non-edible things. But in her case it was possibly done as a comforting Stim - ingesting things thet she felt comfortable looking at.
I still remember the smell of my grandmother. She wore chains around her neck. She was soft and wrinkly, wore knitted things I could put my fingers through, had a husky laughing voice, and smelled of camphor. I would take camphor off the shelves at the supermarket, and 20 years later bought bottle upon bottle of eucalyptus oil and spread it around my room, corner to corner, to keep out everything except for the comforting feeling that association gave me. I collected scraps of colored wool and crocheted bits and would put my fingers through the holes so I could fall asleep securely. For me, the people I liked were their things, and those things were my protection from what I did not like - other people.
One day I went out to my grandfather's shack. He did not notice me. His face was purple and blotchy. He was lying on his side. Pop never woke up again. I never forgave him for doing this until I was 21, when it suddenly dawned on me that people do not intentionally mean to die. Then I cried and cried and cried some more. It had taken me 16 years to grieve for him. (See my Autism Lecture on The Grieving Process).
I was Echolalic until I was 4, meaninglessly repeating everything I heard, just like a parrot.
When my mother spoke, the room shook.
I had an older brother. I think he became her "only" child. Perhaps she wanted a daughter, for she would dress him up as a girl and a boy on alternate days, and take him out for walks in the pram. He could "act normal" and was not so embarrassing.
I never hugged either of them; neither was I hugged. I did not like anyone coming close to me, let alone touching me. I felt all touching was pain, and I was frightened.
My bed was also surrounded and totally encased by tiny spots that I called Stars, so that it seemed to me I lay in some kind of mystical glass coffin. I have since learned that they are actually air particles; my vision was so hyper-sensitive that they often became a hypnotic foreground with the rest of the world fading away.
This once again is where people get the impression thet they are First Wave Indigos - she clearly has literally super-human senses (apparently an evolutionary step beyond mere humans). The facts are she has Sensory Processing Disorders, like all Autistics - First Wave Indigos flat-out do not exist (see my review of the book Living In an Indigo House).
I could not close my eyes or the Stars would depart, leaving me unprotected against intruders coming into my room. Feeling safe was tiring business.
And the intruders came. They were responsible for taking away my protection, for in the change of focus the tiny spots would disappear, leaving me feeling angry and betrayed, alone, exposed, and vulnerable.
It is interesting thet she was so averse to human contact, yet describes the lack of visible air particles as leaving her feeling alone - they were her only companions. I was always irritated by the presence of any person, for their presence would distract me from, or even destroy, the sense of comfort I had attained alone - talking to myself partly in gibberish. I always felt hostile toward any person who interrupted me in any way.
I knew that people were disturbed at me sleeping with my eyes open. I soon learned to close them when I heard others coming, to play dead and never look at them or let anything register when they lifted my eyelids or even poked me in the eye. I was breathing, so they knew I was not dead.
At the age of 2 she developed an alter-ego (not a multiple personality) she calls Willie. He was the manifestation of her defensiveness against her very abusive alcoholic mother.
Willie learned to turn other people's phrases back at them in some sort of meaningful yet attacking way, though silence still seemed a far deadlier weapon. My mother began to think I was evil and possessed. It would have been easier to forgive her if she had suffered from some kind of mental illness. She did not. She was just a drunken brutal thug.
Donna had an older brother, who's ass was licked by mom while he abused Donna. They were a tag-team of viciousness.
People were saying that she has caused me to be withdrawn by her coldness and her violence (thus supporting the "Refrigerator Mother" Theory). She probably believed this, and I let her. Had I ever wanted to reach out as myself to the intrusive outside world, I am sure she would have inhibited me.
My mother and sister Kathleen were also an abusive tag-team toward my desperate desire to reach out (in my awkwardness). They would very overtly and viciously destroy any friendship I attempted to cultivate on my own. They also used their witch-burning cult of a church to destroy me, flat-out lying to "the elders" in the church about me being promiscuous, a child-molester, or a fag ("sexual predator" was the term they used - when I was actually a typical Autistic apparently a-sexual). All Paranoid Schizophrenic abuser members of my family were the enemy I had to hide everything from. To this day they probably still believe thet I never talk. The facts are I am a typical Aspergian Hyperlexic with Pragmatic Language Disorder who talks constantly, including Script-walking and Echolalia, for nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words. I just learned very early thet to talk to any of them would result in a vicious attack - and if I did not talk to them they would still just make shit up to lie to others about. I had a nervous-breakdown at the age of 18 because they conspired against me through their evil church to destroy me. It worked.
Some battered children form attachments with such a parent. I never did.
This form of attachment is seen in Abused Woman Syndrome, wherein the girl learns to form an attachment with her abusive father, thus resulting in her spending the rest of her life intentionally seeking out abusive men to continue the only form of relationship she knows how to have.
I spent my life obsessively trying to establish some form of relationship with my evil family (raising goats because they raised goats, being a Jehovah's Witness because they were Jehovah's Witnesses, being a professional musician because they were professional musicians). But I finally realized they were simply not lovable, gave up, divorced my abusive lunatic family, and moved 3 states away.
In their case it was their Paranoid Schizophrenia thet finally made me give up once and for all; as a child I gave up trying to talk to them, and instead (clear up until the age of 40) would give them needed gifts or work myself to death (in my Martyr Complex) trying to help them on their farm (repairing damage done by lunatics). All of them lashed out like wounded animals when I tried to do anything nice for them. They would in a terrified panic destroy anything I did - resulting in my rage toward having my hand slapped every time I offered them a gift, them viciously slashing at the Good Samaritan.
I tried to establish some form of attachment with my evil sister by going to see foreign movies with her - she was vicious. I tried to establish some form of attachment with my brother by attempting to help him with his music career, or even just talk about music with him, for that was all we had in common - he was vicious. All of them, in their Schizophrenia, believed I was "trying to get control!" This literally terrified them, when I was just trying to connect in some way.
I became a rewarding experience for my father. I became my mother's hell. She called me "Dolly", the doll she never had. In her own words I learned who I was: "You were my doll, and I was allowed to smash it", she told me over and over again.
My mother's family was poor, and instead of distributing what little extras they got among all the children, the eldest seemed to get it all.
This was my fathers story: He always believed in a chain of command, the oldest of my siblings were always "left in charge", and would thus get all the punishment if anything went wrong, but they also got all the perks. The other 4 kids were always jealous and resentful because of that (the only good thet came of this was thet my perk-showered oldest sister became the first girl in FFA). All 5 of us kids would eagerly wait for it to be our turn. But when we moved to Colville, trapped in a horrible place with lunatics (see the movies The Mosquito Coast and The Reflecting Skin as analogies) none of us asked for, and all of us hated, the house burned down, and so my oldest sister ran away.
My mother had watched her older sister with hate and awe. She gave up competing and tried for the role of the eldest boy, and won it. It was not glorious, not glamorous, and built little sense of self-worth; but it gave her position, and the satisfaction of violently thumping her older sister and her friends, she never made herself.
My mother's sister thrived on the attention she got, becoming charismatic and a charmer. Ultimately she paid in guilt and shame, reaching out for forgiveness from her younger sister, who greeted this with the same amount of mercy my mother got from me: none.
People would say they were laughing with me, not at me, but I was not laughing. So I copied them, and made what they said correct. Then they would laugh at my strange laugh, and I would laugh with them, and they would think I was amused and amusing. This proved useful when I was older. I would get invited back again. I was learning to perform.
This is very typical for Autistics; we can learn how to act normal, though we may never understand why normal behavior is preferred.
Her mother was constantly slapping Donna's face for any reason (or not). Thus Donna developed another alter-ego (again, this is not a multiple personality, it is just an alternate persona for her to try on). This alter-ego was called Carol.
I began to sit in a huddled ball inside the cupboard. I would close my eyes and try hard to get into Carol's world in my mind. I became angry at any need to go to the toilet or eat, or call to participate in the family. In short, my humanness, my mere physical existence was my failing.
All through my teens and early 20s I felt this way very much. I would become fixated or even obsessed with a specific activity and simply forget to eat. I would almost faint from Hypoglycemia, only then realizing I had not eaten for 20 hours.
I would run home from work and obsessively record every day on into the late evening. I sat there recording until this light started glowing through the window. I could not figure out what it was. It kept getting brighter and brighter until I was annoyed with it. So I went outside to see what it was. It was the sun. I was sure it was around 11 PM.
In this scenario I would forget to eat, and become furious if my body needed to use the toilet. I (and my obsessions) so much hated being interrupted.
It was thought that I was clever, yet I often did not understand what was said to me. Although I was intelligent, I seemed to lack sense. Instead of talking with people, I would merely mimic them and talk endlessly over top of their voices as though this sufficed for conversation.
This is classic Autism. As a kid I had such bad CAPD thet I could not understand words. Later when the CAPD calmed down a bit, so I could understand the words, by then I had invented enough emotional-definition words thet nothing anyone said made any sense to me on an emotional level. To this day it is still hard for me to understand the point of what the Normals say. When Pamela says 1 thing with her mouth and another thing with her eyes, I have no clue what either form of communication is actually saying.
My mother would pick me up from the Special school. I would always wave goodbye to the building.
Waving goodbye to the building is another example of her learning how to act normal but having no clue why she should. She learned thet people expected her to wave goodbye, so she did so, but she did not get the point thet she should be waving to a specific person.
I am told that a girl with cerebral palsy had hit me in the head with a rock. Perhaps she did. I was so oblivious to anything that did not intrigue or disturb me that I did not notice. It certainly did not hurt my feelings, physical or otherwise.
This physical cluelessness is typical. When (at the age of 12) I crashed my bicycle and got my Fusiform Gyrus brain-injury, I felt nothing physically. When (at the age of 18) I crashed my car, bruising my body all over, I felt nothing physically. When (at the age of 38) I broke my finger by getting it smashed in a machine, I again felt nothing - in fact all my senses turned off completely. When bullies in school would hit me, though I was aware I had been hit, I usually did not really feel it physically. For you to hurt me, I would have to acknowledge your existence (snicker). I only notice things thet intrigue me intellectually, and since I am intellectually superior to all people, I cannot be bothered to notice them. In fact, my inability to be hurt physically helped cultivate my eventual (temporary) God Complex. You are all such pathetic inferiors.
By the time I left this Special school, I had begun to become Carol. Carol spoke to people.
She refers to herself as "Donna" rather than "I". She was 10 years old before she realized others referred to themselves as "I".
In his book Beyond The Silence, Tito refers to himself as "the boy", never using "I" or "me".
I am constantly asking myself, "How is it going, Chryssie?", asking from the perspective of a separate person, rather than analyzing my own feelings or thoughts as my own. This nececitates me putting it all into words and telling "the other person" what I think and feel. Typically Aspergian, I only think in words; I cannot just sit and feel an emotion, it has to be put into words and then spoken aloud before I understand it well.
My first chosen friend was Sandra. Other children teased her. Sandra and I would play the same game every day. We would sit side by side and scream into each others ear. It made me laugh because it tickled. She was the first person to play my games. Sandra and I would drink as much water as we could, until we felt like we would burst. We would choke ourselves until we were blue. We would push our eyes in, in order to see colors. And we would scream and scream until our throats were red raw.
I thought this was great fun. I had discovered that I could share physical sensation. In the company of others my senses would cut off, and I would become so numb that in order to feel something I had to push myself to extreme limits.
Sandra found another friend. Together she and her new friend tried to include me, but I did not know how to cope with having two friends at once. I resolved the situation by rejecting them both.
I can awkwardly carry on a conversation with one person, but if a third joins in, I become overwhelmed. I hate socializing with a group. I hate socializing, period. I will write this web-site (alone), then you go read it (alone).
This is also why it is well-known thet "Nerds do not cheat." There is just no way I can keep track of two girlfriends at once.
My reading was very good, but I had merely found a more socially acceptable way of listening to the sound of my own voice. Though I could read the words without difficulty, it was always the pictures from which I understood the content. Reading aloud, I would confidently continue, despite mispronouncing or inverting some of the letters or words. I would use different types of intonation to make the story sound interesting, though I was merely experimenting with my own voice, and my tone probably did not match the content of the story half the time.
Her older brother was a clone of mom, but she also had a younger brother named Tom.
When Tom was two, he was seen by a psychiatrist who said Tom was the worst case of hyper-activity he had ever seen. I thought he was quite normal. Later, he was found to be sensitive to the colorings and flavorings in foods; allergic to yeast, and deficient in zinc. Tom and I were both given zinc. The child-care center refused to keep him, as he was too much to handle.
Like me, Tom took to music like a maestro and, almost compulsively, could teach himself anything to perfection, though he could not be taught by someone else. I thank God for Tom; though he escaped a lot of the abuse, he moved in my world.
Although words are symbols, it would be misleading to say that I did not understand symbols. I had a whole system of relating that I considered "my language". It was other people who did not understand the symbolism I used, and there was no way I could tell them what I meant. I developed a language. Everything I did, from holding two fingers together to scrunching up my toes had meaning, usually to do with reassuring myself that I was in control. Sometimes it had to do with telling people how I felt, but it was so subtle it was often unnoticed or simply taken to be some new quirk that "Mad Donna" had thought up.
As I had echoed English, I echoed Italian. I would cheekily parrot the commands this mother gave her children, with the mother's inflection and pronunciation.
I had always accepted my mother's violence toward me. Somehow it did not seem to matter too much. After all it was only my body.
As was said in the book Women From Another Planet:
"I screamed and struggled, but to no avail, as he was very strong. When I realized that rape was inevitable, I shifted my goal to simply staying alive. Thus it was with a sense of relief rather than trauma that I survived this incident. Finally, a shot of penicillin in case of STDs, and that was the end of that."
As I have said many times thus far, the reason I escaped relatively unscathed from the abuse thet drove my Normal siblings to mental illness is thet I was rarely interacting with humans. I only interacted with (my own made-up) words. Bullies pounding me on the playground before the gloating "teachers" screaming "Burn the witch!" was easy for me to dissociate from, thus I really hardly felt it physically. But having to interact with, or in this case merely tolerate, people in "the office scenario" drives me to a rage thet lasts an hour.
My mother used to say, "If you really want to hurt someone, be nice to them." Perhaps she had learned that lesson from watching the way it often affected me. If it came from her own experience, God help her.
Tom would scream. His face my mirror, I would scream. No sound would come out. I would pick up my little brother and get into the cupboard, my hands over his mouth, my arms closing out the sound from his ears. I would feel his tears and his runny nose on my hands. My eyes were dry. He made me feel emotions, and still had the decency to express them for me. More than anything else, my little brother frightened me by making me feel real.
I have always cried silently, and am greatly annoyed by anyone who cries with their voice. I am always only crying to myself. I want to stop people from crying out loud, for I find them pathetic for doing so. I want to ask them in bewilderment and even disgust why on Earth they would want anyone to know they were, or even find out they had been, crying.
Of course, it is natural for Normal people to want connection with others. But since it is always others who make Autistics cry, why would I want them to even exist?
I feel the same about laughing. If I am reading something thet makes me laugh, the Normals always want to be let in on it. It makes me furious. Get the fuck away from me! This is my emotion, not yours!
As a counter-balance, I was glad to live in Las Cruces where the people are so open and friendly; random strangers strike up conversations, or jump to hold the door for others there. Everyone was referred to as "sir" or "ma'am". And they mean it; it is all considered just common courtesy for Las Crucians.
Of course it also makes me hate my parents for "raising me" in clannish Washington and paranoid Oregon. It would have been so good for Autistic me to be raised in a place like New Mexico where I could more readily interact with friendly people (and become fluent in Spanish), at least in a social graces/common courtesy way.
Sometimes I still wish I could spontaneously throw-up on people out of contempt. I hate thet I feel that way, but it is their fault.
It is like Donna's sentance above thet ended with, "God help her." What she meant was "God help her. I will not." I feel pity for my parents, but absolutely no sympathy.
Ten years later I had first met Terry, as I was trying to piece my life together, I arrived on her doorstep. She greeted me and offered me her friendship as though my ten years of silence had made no difference, though she said, "You are the strangest person. I have never met anyone who ever did that. One day you were talking to me; the next day it was as though we had never been friends." She never knew how much I sometimes needed her, or how important it was for me to close her out, and I never told her.
This inclination in me I always thought of as an Aries trait - forever blazing a new trail, but never staying around to pave the road. It is really more an Autism symptom, this obsessive love alternating with utter disregard.
For the last few years my mother had not been as systematically violent as she had been before I started school. However, the more she realized that I intended to leave home, the more she tried to convince me, not of her understanding, but of her power over me.
My mother was also becoming aware that I was approaching puberty, which posed major problems for her ability to cope.
Every day she would either give me the graphic details about some horrible experience she had had with men, telling me how she had been robbed of a life by having children, or telling me there was no way I was going anywhere - she would keep me home as long as she liked. Any defiance on my part, from the way I stood, or the look in my eyes, was met with violence, intended to crush my will.
This is my mother. She was never very physically violent, just physically very cold, but her emotional viciousness was probably more damaging than any physical blow could have been. Her compulsive elaborate set-up and sabotage maliciousness was very emotionally harmful.
My mother used her understanding of words to read horrific murder novels, which she would get through like lightening.
I loved to read telephone books and street directories.
I was not getting anything out of the novels I was made to read at school. I could read them all fluently, but was unable to pick up on what the book was about.
This goes along with the Autistic inability to understand the point of a Normal's conversation, wherein they are communicating with their body-language, facial-expressions, and eye-signals, while the Autistic is bewildered or even irritated by them apparently pointlessly yammering on about nothing specific.
I loved collections of things, and would bring home library books on many different types of cats, birds, flowers, houses, works of art, in fact anything that belonged to one group. My projects at school were like this to. For example, if I were to write about cows, I would produce a chart, complete with detailed drawings, specifying every type of cow. My interests may have been repetitive and lacking in creativity, but I was taking a renewed interest in my surroundings. I compared it with "waking from the dead."
Years later I had my hearing tested again. At the time it was found that my hearing was better than average, and I was even able to hear some frequencies only animals can hear. The problem with my hearing was obviously one of a fluctuation in the awareness of sound. It was as though awareness was a puppet, the strings of which were set firmly in the hands of emotional stress.
When I am intentionally falling asleep with music playing, I have to keep getting up and turning down the volume, because the more relaxed I become, the more my hearing amplifies (or should I say, the more my wincing defensiveness allows my hearing to relax). I often get into the bathtub with music playing in the other room thet I can barely hear, but after a half hour of soaking, I have relaxed enough thet the music becomes so irritatingly loud thet I have to get out and turn it down. See my AIT page.
One sound, however, that I loved was the sound of anything metallic. Unfortunately for my mother, the doorbell fell into this category, and I spent ages obsessively ringing it. After I copped a bashing for this, they took out the batteries. However, an obsession is an obsession. I took the backing plate off the doorbell, and continued to set it off manually from inside the door.
Instead of beating this child, they should have gotten her a xylophone, on which she could have become a maestro.
I will never forgive my parents for intentionally destroying everything I was ever interested in (read: fixated on).
When I was in a talkative mood, I would often talk on and on about something that interested me. The older I got, the more interested I became in things, and the longer I would go on about them. I really was not interested in discussing anything; nor did I expect answers or opinions from the other person, and I would often ignore them or talk over them if they interrupted. The only thing that was important to me was to talk in a effort to answer my own questions, which I often did.
This is the typically Aspergian Little Professor way of lecturing at people, rather than talking with, or even to, them. I constantly talk to myself, in my effort to answer my own questions; a prime example is demonstrated above wherein I asked myself, "How is it going, Chryssie?"
Nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words, thus I must hear my own voice talking those words before the emotions they represent mean anything to me.
People often ignored my chatter, thinking that I was making a series of statements rather than asking questions in the only way I could.
I have always made a statement, and then asked if it was correct, rather than simply asking the question. This intimidates all people, which irritates me beyond tolerance. I no longer do that much - I am so grateful for the Internet, from which I can get all the answers I want (without having to interact with the infantile and the brain-dead).
This was complicated by the fact that I ignored or spoke over anything they said in response. Nevertheless, it was important for me to know they were listening, so I began to open all my sentances with, "Hey", or "You know what?", and to end them with, "You know?", "Right?", or "Okay?" These idiosyncrasies became so predictable that people would make fun of me, mockingly anticipating my unusual beginnings and endings.
See Mr Mackey (from the TV show South Park) give lectures rather than have conversations, ending each with "Mmm'kay?"
She says thet anytime she spoke about herself, people thought she was "wonking" in intelligible gibberish.
Then when she spoke about others, I remember, when I was about 7, how I got a slap in the face for walking into someone's house and announcing, "It is very dirty in here", and following it up by enthusiastically informing the 1-armed host thet he "only has one arm!" This was fairly typical of me, and I came to earn myself a reputation as outspoken, rude, and hurtful. Thus proving all people are Paranoid Schizophrenics, terrified, their mouse-fart egos wincing in pain over an innocent remark from an awkward child.
This has been an on-going exasperation-inducer for me my whole life long. Nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words, thus I state out loud the obvious so I can hear what I am seeing. And since all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenics (they think everything is about them and an attack on them), they lash out like wounded animals at me for (get this) "condescendingly attempting to spoon-feed indignant me the obvious!", when I was oblivious they were even there! This compulsive lashing out at me in "self-defense" never fails to emotionally floor me every time - and poor Donna was actually slapped in the face for it.
Later this quality sometimes came to earn me respect as someone who was "never afraid to say what she thinks."
In this life, one single person said they respected me for being "point-blank honest all the time." All others were terrified of it. This is where compulsive liars (like my mother) come from - they are afraid of truth.
When I am feeling especially hostile toward the Normals for them being offended thet I told the truth, I say, "That is the advantage to being Autistic; I get to say what I feel and you do not." The level of contempt I feel toward them while reciting that sentance feels good to me; it is a gloating feeling.
Concerning shutting out the world: I believe I was like this because of a constant changing state of awareness. My home life only affected some of the forms my behavior took, though not the behavior itself. I did not close out the world because of the violence, so much as the violence was closed out because it was one of many parts of the world.
I reject women, not because they are all sexual deviants who insist on making a fight out of everything, but because they are people.
Donna has "Indigo" psychic visions.
Every morning, like a rock, I learned to tolerate being hugged. I told her that being hugged hurt me, and that it felt like I was being burned.
The touch of most people feels like a burn to me - pretty much everyone but babies and animals.
Donna is musically gifted like me, Echopraxically playing piano at first glance with no lessons - as I did with drums.
I had created a beautiful piece of music. It was a classical waltz with melody and accompaniment. My mother walked into the room, catching me by surprise (like me, she knew her mother was the enemy she had to hide everything from).
"I know what this is", she said snarlingly.
"I made it up", I replied.
"No you didn't", she retorted. "That is Beethoven."
It was meant to be an insult, but she never knew how much she had complimented me. I could not blame her for her jealousy. It seemed I had the Midas Touch for all the things she so admired, and at which her sister so excelled, but she was incapable of - artistic and creative ability.
My mother satisfied her own insecurity by emphasizing that people who played by ear could not learn to read music. She began to take lessons and, in fierce competition with her daughter who was in no way trying to compete, did extremely well.
As if to prove her point, she took me for an introductory music lesson. The woman teacher told me to forget entirely anything I thought I knew about music. She was there to undo such bad learning habits and teach me the discipline of music "properly".
Predictably, I would not follow the teacher's instructions, and would not co-operate. Satisfied, my mother gloated viciously over my obvious "failure".
My father, a professional music teacher, refused to teach me anything about music, for he was terrified I might 1 day surpass him. "You are no better than the rest of us!" being one of his favorite engramic phrases.
When I quit the music business, I gave my brother some of my equipment he needed for his studio. His mouse-fart of an ego was terrified, and in an acidy contempt he refused to take the equipment. For I had of course (in his paranoid delusions) only offered it out of condescension, spoon-feeding the weakling my equipment he was too stupid and incompetent to acquire on his own. That is how he saw my every attempt to be nice - my typical Asperger strong desire to be a mentor spat upon as he slapped my generous hand.
Her poor father (apparently an undiagnosed Asperger) desperately wanted to bridge the gap (the mother had intentionally caused) between him and his children.
My mother sought to convince me that my father was "looking at me". I began to ignore my father as my mother had so actively encouraged. Sadly it was the last effort at reaching me that my father was to make for 3 years.
Sexuality had always disturbed me, probably because of how claustrophobic I felt when other people came near me. My mother took every available opportunity to put me down and physically abuse me for any signs of femininity. This type of shit from my mother was what made me come to identify with mutilated hermaphrodites and publish several zines on the subject as a political activist for ISNA.
My hatred became my only realness. And when I was not angry, I said Sorry for breathing, for taking up space, and even began to say Sorry for saying sorry. This total denial of a right to live was a consequence of learning to act Normal. Everything outside of me told me that my survival was to rest on my act of acting Normal. On the inside I knew that by definition this meant that whatever and whoever I was naturally was unworthy of acceptance, belonging, or even life.
It seemed I was in paradise, surrounded by racks and shelves of colored garments, shiny shoes, rows of numerically ordered packages. Everything was arranged in aisles. It seemed almost unbelievable that I would be expected to do something I loved most: put things in order. It was a world of guarantees, and this department store even offered those too.
I was "the best little worker they had". Heads of various departments would ask to "borrow" me to tidy up the mess in their departments, which I would do in record time, in every detail. If there was anything slightly out of place, I had to straiten it; and doing this, restoring order, made me feel secure. Despite this, I was being continually reminded of my "attitude problem."
My father had been deeply hurt by my leaving, and had begun snubbing me when I phoned. My 2 brothers rejected me as someone who had proved to them that they were as worthless as discarded rubbish. My mother told anyone who asked that I had left because I was a slut.
I moved every 2 months, and when I was not moving house, I changed jobs.
In a clinical, matter-of-fact manner, I was able to relate some of the most horrific experiences of my past with very little feeling for these incidents at all. It was simple. So little of what had happened around me had actually reached me. Even when something had happened to my body, it was as though my body was either a mere object existing in the world, or at other times, a wall between my world within and the world outside.
Fear of confinement, fear of rejection, fear of hopelessness, and fear of desertion - such things were generally triggered by talking about the happy things: My grandparents, my father when I was small, and my little brother up until he was 3. These fears, however, were not the cause of my problems, but the crippling result of my efforts after I began to participate in and try to reach out in the world. Such fears had never caused my withdrawal and psychic retreat. I had done this even while I was with the few people who were honorary objects in my world. My retreat was most often the response to that which tested my gentler emotions. I had no trouble with the coarser ones.
I think most people are like this, expressing fake toughness out of fear of their sensitive feelings being vulnerable. Fake toughness, fake bravado, fake indifference. "Ask me if I care", said with a belligerent jeer, to compensate for the fact they are on the verge of tears because they do in fact care so much it hurts. What wimps.
I love how she refers to "the few people who were honorary objects in my world." My 6th album was songs about my love life. It was titled "Love Objects", for that was all women were to me - something I fell in love at, rather than with; temporary honorary objects.
My father and I had never really been allowed to talk to each other freely since I was about 3 years old. He had always been barked down by my mother, who jealously insisted that he should not "waffle back" at me. It was assumed that anything I said as a child was not much more than mindless chatter, and my mother was not going to encourage this by letting someone talk to me on my own level.
My father's actions became his words: his laugh, the tone of his voice, the way he sang or whistled, and the way he would make objects speak. He would make the cats dance and sing. He would make a matchbox talk to a cigarette pack.
My father had never encouraged me to do anything, though he was enthusiastic about anything with which I was enthusiastic.
My biology teacher found out I could not add or subtract. I had been confused by my earlier math teacher who had asked me to show all my work on paper. I had my own system up until then, which had worked just fine. When I could not learn theirs, I had also assumed that, although correct, if I could not show my calculations then my system must be no good. As I never learned their system, I continued unsuccessfully to try to use it, never reverting back to my own logic.
This disgusts me. I am a genius, but the utterly evil school system intentionally tried to destroy my own unique way of thinking. I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever in public school, other than how to hate. Her Biology teacher recognized she could not even add or subtract - it had certainly not been her Math quote-unquote "teacher". Typical!
The hypnotic fascination I had for the spots in the air left me with very little sensation of my own body, except for the shock and repulsion of the invasion of physical closeness. Even the comfort I derived from being picked up by my grandmother was found, not in snuggling up to her, but in holding the chain around her neck or enmeshing my fingers in her crocheted cardigan.
One of the best things in life is playing drums until I work myself into a trance and leave my body. That feeling of being outside the body completely is tremendously spiritual, but I feel so giddy I cannot sustain it, which is horrible.
I looked up at the figure of my mother. I looked down at the opened tin of cold spaghetti in front of me, and was aware of the fork in my hand.
I had not heard the introduction: the threat of death against my spilling a single drop of food. I never connected the repeated slapping with the event. It was just a series of of shocks. I felt the dishcloth being forced into my mouth. It made me gag. I was choking as I vomited up against it.
The pleading voice of my Aunt was at war with the cutting snarl of my mother's voice. I glanced at the cord as though it was a snake. It began to whip my face. I could not cry, or speak, or scream. I looked at my Aunt, collapsed on the cold smooth surface of the table, and vomited through my nose. I thought I had drowned.
I went home, curled up in a ball, and rocked for 3 days.
She constantly mentions Willie and Carol, her alter-egos she would try on to survive this abuse. She never developed multiple personalities, only consciously-invented alter-egos.
All 4 of my siblings have Paranoid Schizophrenia, and 2 of them are Psychotic, and 1 has several multiples. The only reason I am more normal than any of them is because I was the only Autistic. Thus I was not in touch with my own body, had no reference-point for language nor emotions, was clueless as to what was going on most of the time, and was thus an ignorance-is-bliss deer in headlights (see my review of the movie My Name Is Kahn, wherein while he was being tortured with intentional freezing and roasting, he naively offered to repair their heating and cooling system. Because he was Autistic, he was oblivious to the fact they were torturing him!).
Autism saved me from the fate of my barking-mad siblings. How ironic.
I was now in my 3rd year of University. I had learned to make sense of sociology in terms of my own experiences. I had dropped philosophy, and began to choose subjects that were more closely aligned to the areas in which I thought I might find the answers I was looking for. I had begun to try to find out about myself. I had become known for my strangely detached and outspoken viewpoints of the usefulness, or lack thereof, of what I was learning. I had begun to earn popularity as myself to an extent.
If I could have lied, it would have been easy, but any lie would have given away more about what I had to hide than my ability to hide did.
In (my review of) the book Exiting Nirvana, Clara said: The inability to lie convincingly could pass as a diagnostic indicator of Autism. It is not surprising that it is mirrored by a corresponding inability to recognize deception. Temple Grandin speaks of her difficulty in allowing for the possibility of insincerity; Paul McDonnell tells us how easily a "friend" was able to borrow, then steal, the money he had worked all summer to earn. Temple and Paul navigate in the world as Jessica cannot, but they are like her in this way. Autistic people are no better at recognizing insincerity than in performing it.
In Aspergers Syndrome specifically, a superior sense of Ethics is a designated symptom.
Out of curiosity children would drag their parents into the store, and often the parents would be conned into buying something.
The shop's sales doubled, despite the fact I had to be told continually to pay more attention to the customers than to my compulsive rearrangement of the merchandise. One little girl, captured by the charm of my evasiveness, came up to me and tapped my arm.
"Are you a real Faerie?"
"Yes."
In the book The Siege, Clara says, concerning her Autistic child, it was as if the Faeries came and took her child and left one of theirs in her place. Later one of her neighbors said the same thing. Obviously a magical creature, but completely unfathomable.
It was not until the clinic used the method of injecting me with various food substances that it was discovered that I was indeed suffering from extreme multiple food allergies.
I was allergic to all meat except beef, all dairy, eggs, soy, potatoes, tomatoes, and corn.
I was also put through a 6-hour blood-sugar test and found to be suffering from severe Hypoglycemia. What this effectively meant was that I had to eat every 2 hours in order to avoid a sudden and dramatic drop in my blood-sugar level, causing me to tremble, turn blue, and faint. Hypoglycemia is caused by the Tetanus shot.
I had to rid myself of chronic rheumatism and asthma. They used electronic equipment to test the effects of food chemicals upon the body's electromagnetic field. I was found to be allergic to a group of chemicals called Phenolics and Salicylates, which are common in many fruits, vegetables, herbs, and spices. Although many of those foods contain substances beneficial to most people, those same substances were slowly poisoning me.
I stayed on the diet for a year. My boss was amazed. I had begun to talk calmly and patiently to the customers, even when they became impatient with me. I became more peaceful than manic and aggressive.
It was too late to undo the ability to feel, and I now found it harder and harder to hold onto the characters of Willie and Carol. Since being on a special diet to avoid food and chemical sensitivities, and to maintain my blood-sugar level, I was stabilizing physically. With this came the loss of the characters, some of the energy for whom had been fueled by the anxiety-provoking effects of allergic reactions. I could still act, but I could no longer shut myself out as before.
This miraculous transformation was produced by removing food she was allergic to. At this point she is apparently still eating Gluten and Casein! I cannot say enough times how obvious it is thet Autism is as much an intestinal problem as it is a neurological 1. All these things thet were considered (negative) character traits were actually just symptoms of a (intestinal) disorder.
Like me, she could be practically cured by next removing Gluten and Casein (along with soy, apples, and yeast) from her diet.
Similar to her having the alter-egos of Carol and Willie, I was in perpetual alternating states of rage and despair due to my diet. It did not manifest as alter-egos, but were definitely polar opposite emotions. I had plenty of things to justifiably feel rage and despair about, but it was outright rage-attacks and suicidal despair, with perpetual frantic anxiety.
I finally divorced my abusive lunatic family and moved 3 states away. That eliminated the cause of my legitimate hatred and depression, but it was the changing of the diet thet alleviated my uncontrollable emotional fluctuations.
Certainly my situation was heightened by the effects of multiple food allergies. Untreated, severe food intolerances can cause brain damage, arising from both toxicity and malnutrition due to malabsorption. At the same time, metabolic problems may lead to an inability to adjust adequately to different foods, resulting in the sensitization that leads to food intolerance. It therefore works both ways; Severe food intolerance can lead to brain-damage, but some forms of brain-damage can also manifest themselves in food intolerance.
She moves to England where she meets an Asperger man.
We sat there, swapping trivia, talking via objects and events, and losing our self-awareness in the evasive jargon and complexity of the poetry-like speech that so often got our listeners lost.
Like the little girl in the shop had done a year before, he reached out and touched my arm.
"Are you real?" he asked. "I felt like you just walked through me."
The children were being put to bed. Anne screamed in terrified hysterics as 1 of the "professionals" sat on the bed, tucking a doll in next to her, which seemed to horrify her all the more. Oh, these symbols of normality. Oh, these reminders that one is meant to be comforted by people, and if one cannot, one is meant to at least be comforted by their effigies.
The woman sitting on Anne's bed was screaming at her over and over again to shut up, and propping the doll back in it's place with every shove Anne made to push it away. It was more than I could take. I physically moved the woman out of the way, moved the doll, and gave Anne my brush. Anne ran her fingers repetitively through the bristles, listening to the soft, barely audible sound in her ear and the sensation on her hand. I hummed a repetitive tune and tapped her arm in time. Give her something consistent to hold onto, I thought. There will be all the time in the world for the "experts" to undo it.
Anne's crossed eyes were frozen in a dead stare, and she became silent between the sobs. I took her hand and made her tap her own arm, the tune and the rhythm and the tapping held constant.
She uncrossed her eyes for the first time since I had met her, and looked directly into my face as she tapped and hummed.
Someone grabbed suddenly for Anne, to pile her onto the bus. She again went into hysterics. Then her hand went up to her arm and she tapped herself, humming the tune. The bus started up, and she allowed herself to be strapped in. As she calmed down, the tapping and humming stopped. Anne was learning she could control her own anxiety and level of overwhelming input.
She calmed herself down, and climbed out of the bus. I walked ahead across the grass. On tip-toe, Anne half-ran half-stumbled as she made her way to where I was. She took my hand.
I have been reviewing these books long enough thet I am no longer curious to find new ways of reaching these kids. By now I know it all, thus it only makes me angry to read of "professionals" and "experts" torturing and abusing these kids ("torture" and "abuse" of trying to make them sleep with a doll, or be sociable). There is no excuse for someone referring to themselves as an "expert" while being that clueless as to the first thing about Autism - screaming at an Autistic child to shut up while forcing her to connect with an effigy of a human. I want to throw that screaming abuser out the window.
I would place Schizophrenia at the opposite end of the scale from Autism. The criterion for such a scale would be the degree of sensitivity of the automatic cut-off mechanism that stops emotional overload. In the Autistic this is over-sensitive and triggered too easily. In the Normal person, this probably only comes into action in extreme shock-producing situations and is short-lived. Schizophrenia is the breakdown of the mind that occurs when this ability to cut off is not sensitive enough to protect the mind from mental breakdown. This is why I believe that, while it may sometimes look like it, Autism is not a form of madness. If anything, Autism is an extreme example of a mechanism that acts to protect sanity.
Autistics being social deer in headlights, oblivious thet anyone else even exists, as opposed to Schizophrenics who have paranoid delusions about everyone being out to get them. Then the polar opposite, wherein Autistics are overly-sensitive to anything happening outside their own body (extreme sensitivity to sound, light, scent, etc), while Schizophrenics are so obsessed with themselves they sense sounds and sights thet are not even there, resulting in paranoid delusions and hallucinations.
My four siblings and both of my parents are Paranoid Schizophrenics.
In my case, my mind knows that affection and kindness will not kill me, yet my emotional response defies logic, telling me that good feelings and gentle and loving touch can kill me or at the very least cause me pain. When I try to ignore this message, I go into what would seem to be a state of shock, where what is comming in is either incomprehensible or has no significance. This state leads to my emotions committing suicide, leaving me without physical or emotional feelings and with a purely robotic mental response, if that.
At the same time, the sub-conscious desire to escape this emotional prison is probably why such people are sometimes thought of as geniuses - resulting in Asperger Fixated Subjects the person becomes an expert on, or Autistic obsessive pattern-recognition. The Aspie obsessive collecting and listing of facts and figures, or the Autistic obsessive arranging of patterns, are predictable, thus "making sense" of that which physical and emotional feelings do not.
I rejected all contact because it robbed me of the security I found in my ability to lose myself through color, sound, pattern, and rhythm. This was no great paradise, but it was my sanctuary from the fear of death good emotions gave me.
It was practically inevitable thet I would become a drummer who would work myself into a trance and leave my body through repetitious pattern recognition, and an obsessive music composer, for musical notes were the only things I could keep track of - I wrote and recorded 180 songs in 3 years. I also wrote and published 55 zines in the following 4 years; this Hyperlexic obsessive arranging of words also kept me sane. I became especially prolific during the time when I was working the job wherein I would dump out buckets of random nuts and bolts to obsessively sort them into tiny boxes to keep me from having an anxiety-attack from working a day-job.
As an Echolalic child, I did not understand the use of words because I was in too great of a state of stress and fear to hear anything other than patterned sound.
In consolation to those who have children who have never spoken, something I know from creating songs may help. For me, the words were already in the patterns of the music; they sprang from it. When I heard speech as only patterns of sound, my mind somehow read the meaning of the pattern and I often responded as was expected regardless of not having consciously understood.
This is seen in Jessica Park (see my review of the book The Siege), wherein she would sing patterns of notes but could not understand words. Also in the documentary Autism: The Musical, Lexi could hardly speak words at all but could sing entire songs in perfect English (and perfect pitch). And as I have said repeatedly, Gary Numan, Bjork, and Anna Homler, all write song lyrics in gibberish (because they are Autistic), for the sound-patterns they sing have an emotional definition to them, whether or not they are in actual words.
As a child my CAPD was bad enough thet I could not understand spoken word (people talking sounded like a Hummazoo). I thus learned to understand the emotional definitions of the notes they hit while talking, rather than the meaning of the words. This led me to compose my first song by the age of 5, though I still could not fully understand spoken word.
Donna spends a few pages explaining "Language In My World":
1) The matching or pairing of objects. Making connections between things. Showing thet relationships between 2 or more things can exist.
2) The ordering of objects and symbols. Proving thet belonging exists, and giving myself hope thet I too could 1 day feel thet I belonged in the world. Also creating order thus making the world a more comprehensible place.
3) Patterns. Continuity. The reassurance that things will stay the same long enough for me to find a place within the complex situations around me. As surrounding circles, these set up a means of protection from invasion from the outside world.
4) Blinking compulsively. To slow things down and make them seem more detached.
5) Dropping things repetitively. Proving that escape to freedom is possible.
I am not sure I understand what she is saying here. I think it is partly a tantrum-like behavior of intentionally tossing things onto the floor as a way of teaching yourself to allow accidents to happen and not be so obsessive and panicky about it. Escaping to the freedom of letting go.
This was a place thet was very hard for me to get to. I was 36 when I started to realize I had Obsessive Personality Disorder. It took me a decade to let go of it. I had to throw the tantrum of "This is too much work! I am not doing it!", and throw something onto the ground. I formerly worked myself to nervous breakdowns flogging dead horses in tears of raging frustration because nothing was ever perfect enough, and of course it was entirely my responsibility to fix the world. I was an extreme example of the obsessive workaholic, but all I accomplished with it was to maintain my perpetual state of rage and panic.
10 years ago I would have collapsed into tears of despair attempting to do the day-job I had when I lived in Las Cruces, wherein I sat around, stood around, or drove around as a Security Guard (I loved that zero-stress job). There was a time (most of my life) when I had to be frantically stirring 8 pots boiling over on the front burner all at once, burning myself in the process, in tears of panic because there were so many other stoves thet I did not have the time to obsess over. It was ridiculous. I shat blood every day and had panic-attacks in my sleep.
7) Jumping. This action also gave hope. Getting one's whole body into a rhythm, as with rocking.
I was never into jumping off of high places. I feel thet if I had done so, my soul would have fallen slower than my body, and thus I would get lost in space. I was never exactly in my body enough to be able to keep track of it to that extent. I can leave my body playing drums. I would be afraid to sky-dive or bungie-jump because I would probably be knocked out of my body in the process.
8) Rocking from 1 foot to another.
She describes this as symbolic preparation to take a running leap. I see that as a Stim to relieve anxiety, like a cat pacing in a cage.
See my review of Autism: The Musical wherein Lexi goes from being a very Normal bright child, to a zombie rocking from foot to foot. Her parents had filmed this, and it is horrible to watch - I cannot imagine anyone not being brought almost to tears at the sight of it. In Lexi's case, it was not an anxiety Stim, it was the polar opposite of her withdrawing so deeply thet she was incapable of acknowledging anything outside herself. As she rocked side to side, she rubbed her eye with her thumb, absorbed in the colors thet result from pushing hard on your eyeball. Some Autistic kids actually poke their eyes out.
Anyway, I was never preparing to take a running leap. I was always running in panic away from anxiety and toward new obsessions. I also would go for walks every day as a way of calming myself after having spent 6 hours obsessively writing myself into a frenzy every day. My walks were more like tromps.
9) Stims.
Hand-flapping, spinning one's self, spinning objects, tapping things, etc. These are done to relieve anxiety.
All Autistics do this, even if it manifests as being fixated on a specific subject. Thinking about 1 subject obsessively is an anxiety-relieving Stim, because it gives one control of where one's mind goes - as opposed to Attention Deficit-ing all over the place, which causes anxiety over the loss of one's ability to maintain focus.
10) Head-banging. To fight tension and provide a thudding rhythm in my head when my mind was screaming too loud for me to be able to hum or repeat a hypnotic tune to calm myself.
I have never banged my head or hit myself or done any other self-injurious behavior. As I said, I have never been in my body that much. Obsessively composing music in my head, chanting gibberish words, talking to myself while walking for miles, roaring and shouting in rage, reading and writing obsessively, running home from work every day to play drums for hours, etc, were my Stims of choice. I did occasionally bite myself, but it was about the spongy feeling on my teeth, not my arms being bitten.
11) Staring past things. An attempt to take-in what was happening around me while escaping the fear by experiencing a visual image indirectly (this is manifested as gaze-aversion). Similarly, I would lose my ability to play music if I looked at my fingers and thought about what I was doing. If I looked away and switched to auto-pilot, the music flowed and I could create. All things had to be indirect; I constantly had to trick my mind so it would relax enough to take things in.
I have to read lips while you talk, otherwise I have difficulty understanding you. But most Autistics have difficulty looking you in the eye if you are talking to them. And (like me) they are practically incapable of looking at anyone if they are talking to you.
And this auto-pilot playing of music is how I was able to leave my body; I would hover 10 feet above my body as it played overly-complex drum beats by it's self - I had no thought of what it was actually doing.
And as for spinning objects; I never look directly at the things I am spinning. It is more the physical syncing of both hands as they mutually participate in the action of spinning something.
12) Laughing. Often a release of fear, tension, and anxiety. My true feelings were too protected to really show anything so direct. This is called "nervous laughter".
I was never superficial like that, I always vented anxiety with overt expressions of rage, though only when I was alone.
My Paranoid Schizophrenic brother has an especially big problem with laughter or even smiling. If I have a honest grin on my face, he has a panic reaction, so obsessed with his steely-eyed stiff-upper lip superficial jerk over-compensation for his inferiority and persecution complexes.
13) Clapping has always been a better indication of pleasure with me than laughter. However, clapping also indicated finality - the signaling of the end of 1 event and the beginning of another.
14) Staring into space or through things - also spinning things or one's self. A means of losing awareness of self in order to relax or cope with the inability to express one's self, or feel anything.
15) Tearing paper. Symbolically disintegrating the threat of closeness. A symbolic act of separation from others in order to reduce fear. I often did this when I had to say goodbye to anyone, in order to not feel any sense of desertion or loss.
This 1 strikes me as odd. I feel nothing about dumping people, nor do I feel an insecurity about getting close to someone only to be disappointed by them leaving me later. The fear of loss or abandonment are things thet do not affect me at all. I have a very jaded attitude about my houses burning down, and all people ending up being abusive. "Die - I will not notice" is not just a sarcastic remark. Really - I am not able to care if you leave.
16) Breaking glass. Symbolically shattering the invisible wall between myself and others.
I was never into breaking things. My tantrums were seldom violent. I was also a Poverty Thinker, wherein I wanted to salvage and fix everything, and would be horrified by waste, and thought vandals should be executed. I never saw it as a wall between me and others; it was always a chasm I struggled to bridge, not just between me and people, but also between me and the physical world.
17) Fascination for colored and shiny objects. A tool for self-hypnosis needed to help me calm down and relax. Also, closeness to particular people lives within these objects whether or not they were actually given to me by those people. I had merely assigned them these connections because they captured the feel of these people.
Collecting objects thet symbolized people is not something I ever did, nor having invisible friends of any specificity. I talk to myself, not to imaginary friends. I felt affection for animals, and later felt very attracted to nature, eating wild berries and leaves was a form of relationship with nature to me. I also loved eating icicles off of lava rock, and I was sexually attracted to waterfalls - especially if they were covered in icicles. I used to name my cars, and had a very close relationship with my motorcycle - but these were not necessarily replacements for people.
18) Hurting myself, and also knowingly doing embarrassing things to cause a shock reaction in others. Testing to see if I am actually real.
Having people honestly believe she is a Faerie or somehow unreal, it was apparently her psychic energy thet was not concentrated in her body but floating in the space around her. Also her dissociation from her body due to the physical abuse would make her presence feel vague, both to her and to others.
My psychic energy was always so concentrated and obvious it intimidated people. Paranoid Schizophrenics were forever lashing out at me because I was "looking at them", or were in great embarrassment telling me to "stop showing off", when I was oblivious anyone was even there!
I never did anything to "get a rise" out of people. In fact, even when I was playing live shows as a professional musician, I was irritated beyond tolerance by the audience. I would throw up after the shows to relieve the tension, not before the show as stage-fright. I never had stage-fright because the people in the audience did not matter to me. I was there to play music, period, not interact with people; i.e., if I played in a forest and there were no people there to hear it, would I still kick ass? Yes, because it is about music, not people.
Her "knowingly doing embarrassing things to cause a shock reaction in others" is what I would call Under-compensation. See my explanation of this in my review of the movie Lars and the Real Girl.
19) Deliberate soiling (she means intentionally shitting her pants). It was a subconscious drive towards conscious self-awareness and "freedom to be". It was an act of self-assuredly breaking free of excessive self-control through defying that behavior which conformity and self-control are so demanded, and disgust from others is so easily inspired. It was at the same time an expression of frustration at having to conform without actually getting any emotional reward from this conformity. It is an act of self-determination, proving that one can let go of self-control in exchange for control over external expectation. The self-assurance of "freedom to be" that one gets from this act gives one the courage to keep trying to reach out, to come out of my withdrawal. And as annoying as it must be to parents, I must say that it was am important phase I had to get through in order to progress.
Autistic kids are renown for being extremely difficult to toilet train. I was the opposite. I was very readily trained, and forever infuriated by my spastic colon and vaccine-damaged gut making me pass (occasionally in my pants) bloody stools and yellow slime thet smelled like burning plastic - which was clearly my body expelling the vaccines. Clear in to my 30s I would feel very angry if I needed to take a shit, I hated my body telling me what to do - in anger I would hold it as long as possible. I would often have dreams of desperately needing to shit but not being able to find a discreet place to do it.
It is also a way of making one's surroundings symbolically part of one's world, which is the beginning of accepting a world outside the confines of one's own body.
Scent-marking your territory. The Hollywood movie cliche of a mental hospital with feces smeared on the wall comes to mind - what is being symbolically expressed when people do that?
I was always very casual with where I did it; I mean, some people are neurotic about only using their own toilet at home, and have to drive clear across town to their own house, rather than using a public toilet. That strikes me as absurd. I can go anywhere (there is a proper bathroom). It was never a marking territory type of thing with me.
It was like how I eat. I eat when I am hungry, not because it is a specific time of day, or the "proper place" for a meal. Eating and shitting are just bodily functions, and as such I only do them when I am by myself. I am uncomfortable eating with people, and would be equally uncomfortable taking a shit in front of someone. Whereas most Autistic kids shit all over, or at least in their pants, to mark their territory and rebel against control, and also to find their own location, and set out a scent-boundary of where that is.
I have felt very angry all my life about the social neurosis about farting. Having a typical Autistic gut, I have (up until 5 years ago when I went on the GF/CF Diet) usually had extreme amounts of gas and bleeding, and me being socially required to sit there white as a sheet with my anus clenching in rage was outright abusive of society. As Donna said above, It was at the same time an expression of frustration at having to conform without actually getting any emotional reward from this conformity.
Me getting no reward for abusing my own body in exchange for acceptance from a society I hated.
I never threw a tantrum of intentionally shitting my pants or smearing feces all over "my territory", or intentionally farting loudly in antagonism, but I understand why some Autistics do it. If I had a child (Autistic or not), she would be naked most of the time and shit when she damn-well felt like it.
Only after I started motorcycle adventure riding did I come to a truce between my body and me, being a "leave no trace" camper and attending to my poo with respect for future campers - at last at peace with the world and my vague place in it (camping alone in the wilderness).
The best way I could have been given things would have been for them to be placed near me with no expectation of thanks and no waiting for a response. To expect a thank-you or a response was to alienate me from the item that prompted the response.
This is me. I hate when someone attempts to give me a gift, for it always proves they have no clue who I am, in thet they always give me the wrong thing, and then expect me to be grateful (expressed in superficial social niceties). This makes me feel very lonely, knowing they will never understand me. It also makes me outright angry. Never give me a gift! Give me cash so I can buy what I actually need. I detest presents.
The seeming indifference (to the act of the person giving the gift) would actually demonstrate awareness and sensitivity to the child's problems in coping with directness. Furthermore, the child will be able to develop more of a self-knowing, it has reached out to the other person for the meaning in what is being said, rather than being in the role of a passive object being imposed upon at a pace it cannot keep up with when confronted with direct interaction.
I felt absolute rage toward my parents for being Paranoid Schizophrenics who thought my whole existence was entirely for the sake of justifying their self-hatred. I had to write everything down in order to make sense of it. My evil parents would then go through my garbage, read what I had written (TO MYSELF) and project their paranoia onto it and then attack me for something I never said (to them). They would often search my room for any magazine or book I had, read it, project all sorts of evil into it, and then attack me for what was never said in the magazine, and never even thought of by me!
They thought my every book was acquired for the sake of (childish abusive) me to "get a rise" out of them. My dad often used that term, "You are just trying to get a rise out of your mother", said with a belligerent jeering disgust, when I had not done anything they were expected to even notice. In fact I did nothing at all, period! They believed everything thet was written was spitefully planted for them to read and hate.
And that is the end of this book.
I spent more time here talking about myself than reviewing Donna's book. That is why this is such a good book. It makes me want to tell my story as much as she told hers.
Donna also wrote a part 2, called Somebody Somewhere (see my review below).
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Reading by the Colors
Overcoming Dyslexia and other reading disabilities through the Irlen Method
by Helen Irlen
Helen Irlen discovered thet reading through colored filters alleviates Dyslexia. From this she did research to understand why, and has thus become an expert on the subject (she invented). This book tells how she discovered these things and basically the history of her Irlen Institute, wherein people with reading difficulties can be tested and fitted for glasses with assorted colored lenses.
Being Dyslexic as a kid, I am interested in this subject. Also, Dyslexia is a Sensory Processing Disorder; i.e., there may be nothing wrong with the eye it's self, it is the brain's abnormal way of processing the visual information thet causes Dyslexia - thus, Dyslexia can be a symptom of Neurological Autism. Helen refers to this as Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome (SSS). Individuals with SSS perceive the world around them in a distorted way as a result of a sensitivity to certain wavelengths of light.
After tracking children over so long a period of time, it became apparent that learning problems do not always go away, regardless of time, money, expertise, and effort expended, thus suggesting the problem was not mental, but physical.
The problem is thet before Helen Irlen, no one knew how to recognize that - and if they had, they would not have known what to do about it.
Throughout this book Helen quotes many Dyslexics, child and adult, noting specifically how ingrained in them it is thet remedial therapies do no good, so why bother. They routinely just accept thet they will never be able to read well, and thus give up. One adult said, "They kept pushing remediation on me, and it eventually pushed me out of school."
The reason for this is thet Dyslexia was considered a form of mental retardation, rather than a Sensory Processing Disorder, which thus made the person feel stupid and Retarded when they knew they were not.
Helen was the first to ask the readers what they were actually seeing: I asked a group of proficient readers to read a printed page and tell me what it looked like. All had the same basic response. They saw words and letters. They looked at me as if to say, "What else am I supposed to see?", "There is not anything else there", and "Is this a trick question?"
When my problem-readers were asked the same question, most saw letters, words, and spaces, but a few reported things I had not expected to hear. They were saying, "The letters and words are running together", "The white spaces form rivers that run down the page", "When I start to read, the words become black lines and I do not see them any more".
When I first glance at a page of writing, I see the white spaces between the words, rather than the words or letters. I clearly see rivers of white running down the page through the spaces between the words.
Back when I was technically considered Dyslexic, I would spend my time drawing the flow gravity would take the river down the page. To this day, I still see the white spaces between the letters, rather than the letters themselves. This explains why (you may have noticed) I never conjoin words like can't, won't, don't, etc, and in my book reviews I comment with great annoyance about the writers conjoining words when they should spell them out. I see the white around the apostrophe, and it becomes brighter than the tiny black mark, thus the apostrophe becomes invisible to me, and so "can't" becomes "can t". Thus when I read it, it says "can" with a dangling "t" thet I dismiss because "t" is not an actual word. So by the end of the sentance I think the writer had said "can" when they actually meant "can not".
As with the apostrophe becoming invisible to me because the white around it becomes bigger and brighter, I also hate web-sites that have white letters on a black page, for I do not see the black, I only see the white, which then becomes brighter and bigger, thus making the letters get fuzzy around the edges and start to blur together. It is really irritating, to the extent thet I flat-out refuse to read a black page with white letters.
When I was a kid of 5-6-7, the words also wiggled around on the page, and gave me a head-ache. By the time I was 20, I still had problems; specifically, letters like p and q, d and b, and s would wiggle backward and forward; always lower-case letters, rounded. I never mistook a W for an X. Thus, I simply did not read or write (unless absolutely necessary) until, I was 19 or so, at which time I started writing poetry and song lyrics (on a typewriter). Before then, it was just too hard to get the words to hold still on the page, and my own handwriting was so horrible (Dyspraxia) I could not read it myself.
Today I am known for reading obsessively, writing 6 hours every day, and having especially clear handwriting - neatly printed in all capital letters. It is also noteworthy thet I am using this specific font. The lower-case letters are almost as tall as the capitals, thus eliminating the rivers of white thet otherwise would run down the page. This is also why I print by hand in all capital letters.
I also wear brown anti-glare filters along with my regular glasses thet turn dark in the sun. Without the brown filters the sun-light would outright hurt.
My Asperger father is also hyper-sensitive to light, especially when driving at night. Like me, he practically refuses to drive after dark, because the on-coming headlights are painful to him.
Most of the students incorrectly assumed that everyone else saw the printed page the same way they did. For example, if when they read, the words on the page appeared to swirl, they might look over at their neighbor's page and see the same swirling effect. They assumed that everyone else was reading a page that moved, and could do it, while they were just too stupid to figure it out themselves.
The brain has trouble processing and understanding the information it receives. An important part of the inability to process words on the page was the instability of the words or the interference from the white background. Both of which were symptoms I had.
One day I was working with 5 students. One of them had a red overlay she has used for an earlier vision training exercise. Another student put the colored sheet on the page she was looking at, and actually gave a little scream. It was the first time she had ever been able to read without having the words constantly sway back and forth! The other 3 students tried to read with the red plastic sheet, but they found it made no difference.
We went to the theater department and obtained as many different gels (from the stage lights) as they had available. During the subsequent weeks any student who had difficulties tried reading with the gels. Of 37 students with visual perception problems, 31 were helped by the colored sheets. Certain colors could make things better, but other colors could make things worse. But for each there was one color that worked best - they reported that they could read better and longer.
When I tried the same test on students who read well, it did not affect how long or well they read. Other than the color, they did not find the page any different.
My articles had not been accepted for publication. The inability to gain recognition was not as frustrating as the reasons given by those reviewing my research. They felt I was presenting research linking vision to learning disabilities and Dyslexia. I was told that this concept had been discredited years ago. They missed the fact that perception is not the same thing as vision, and that I therefore was describing a process that had not previously been researched.
The journalist returned to Hong Kong with a determination to get the story to the public so that individuals could determine for themselves whether to try the process. The journalist and the executive producer of a TV station wanted 60 Minutes Australia to send a Dyslexic child to the USA to be tested for colored lenses.
Rose Colored Glasses aired in April of 1985. The response was overwhelming.
People might have trouble with many different aspects of their lives: "I am clumsy", "I cannot read music", "I cannot catch a ball". Those problems might not be separate. They might all have one source: SSS.
SSS is a variable condition often found to exist as a component of Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Attention Deficit, and many other learning problems.
To elaborate, I Googled the above-mentioned disorders.
- Dyslexia is (according to me) a Sensory Processing Disorder; i.e. the eye may work perfectly, but the brain's ability to process the visual information is erratic.
- Dyscalculia is (according to Wikipedia):
▪ Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, -, x, and ÷.
▪ Difficulty with everyday tasks like counting change and reading analog clocks.
▪ Inability to comprehend financial planning or budgeting, sometimes even at a basic level; for example, estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket or balancing a checkbook.
▪ Difficulty with multiplication-tables, and subtraction-tables, addition-tables, division-tables, mental arithmatic, etc.
▪ May do fairly well in subjects such as science and geometry, which require logic rather than formulae, until a higher level requiring calculations is obtained.
▪ Many of those who suffer from Dyscalculia may have parents who perform well to excellent in Mathematics-related fields (such as architects, engineers, or math teachers), though this connection has yet to be genetically linked [architects and engineers are often the parents of Autistic kids].
▪ Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. May be chronically late or early.
▪ Particularly problems with differentiating between left and right or East and West.
▪ Might do exceptionally well in a writing related field - many authors and journalists have this disorder.
▪ Difficulty navigating or mentally "turning" the map to face the current direction rather than the common North = Top usage.
▪ Having particular difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance; e.g., whether something is 10 or 20 feet away.
▪ Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences.
▪ An inability to read a sequence of numbers, or transposing them when repeated, such as turning 56 into 65.
▪ Difficulty keeping score during games.
▪ Difficulty with games such as poker with flexible rules for scoring.
▪ Difficulty in activities requiring sequential processing, from the physical (such as dance steps or sports maneuvers) to the abstract (signaling in the right order). May have trouble even with a calculator due to difficulties in the process of feeding in variables.
▪ The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia or durable anxiety of mathematics and mathematic-numeric devices/coherences.
▪ Inability to concentrate on mentally intensive tasks.
▪ Low latent inhibition; i.e., over-sensitivity to noise, smell, and light, and the inability to tune out, filtering unwanted information or impressions. Might have a well-developed sense of imagination due to this (possibly as cognitive compensation for mathematical-numeric deficits).
▪ Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name/face retrieval. May substitute names beginning with same letter.
I definitely have 90% of these symptoms; as do most Autistics.
Dysgraphia:
Dysgraphia is a deficiency in the ability to write, regardless of the ability to read, not due to intellectual impairment.
People with Dysgraphia usually can write on some level, and often lack other fine motor skills and may be cross-dominant (i.e., ambidextrous), finding tasks such as tying shoes difficult. It often does not affect all fine motor skills. They can also lack basic grammar and spelling skills (for example, having difficulties with the letters p, q, b, and d), and often will write the wrong word when trying to formulate thoughts (on paper). In childhood, the disorder generally emerges when the child is first introduced to writing. The child may make inappropriately sized and spaced letters, or write wrong or misspelled words despite thorough instruction. Children with the disorder may have other learning disabilities, but they usually have no social or other academic problems. Cases of Dysgraphia in adults generally occur after some neurological trauma. Dysgraphia may also be diagnosed in a person with Tourette Syndrome, ADHD, or an Autism Spectrum Disorder such as Asperger's Syndrome. The DSM IV identifies Dysgraphia as a "Disorder of Written Expression" as "writing skills that are substantially below those expected given the person's age, measured intelligence, and age-appropriate education."
Again, I have most of these symptoms.
When people with SSS are reading, it is not unusual for periods, commas, and dots on the top of i's to disappear.
As mentioned above, the conjunction "can't" looks like "can t" to me.
He sees a white glow around every letter on the page. The spaces between the lines light up and produce a neon effect. The halos overlap, making it confusing to discern the letters. Lights flash all over the page. Reading for more than a few minutes is practically impossible, and looking at the white page with black print is physically painful. He experiences intense fatigue and excruciating headaches when he tries to read for any length of time.
I was never that bad. But I do have a milder version of this exact manifestation of a sensory processing disorder.
Note thet this web-site is beige, not white.
For some, the visual imagery for spelling is nonexistent, and there might be an over-dependence on spelling phonetically. There is no written difference between the words "read" (pronounced reed) and "read" (pronounced red), thus I intentionally spelled them Rhede and Reed, Rhed and Red so I could tell the difference.
One adult, unable to graduate from college because of his "tunnel reading", reported that reading was like having a book of flash-cards, one letter per card, then holding up the cards one at a time. He had learned to get the waiter in a restaurant to read the menu to him, because, "If I had to read the menu letter-by-letter we would be there for days."
12% of the general population suffer from mild symptoms of SSS. 46% of those with learning disabilities also have SSS (SSS is not a learning disability, it is a processing disorder). 65% of Dyslexics have SSS.
The genetic link at least lets children know that their reading difficulties are not due to low intelligence or bad behavior. Also, SSS affects both sexes equally.
People can stumble over a word for a variety of reasons, such as weak sight vocabulary, or poor decoding skills. It is not always because they cannot read the word. The words on the page may be sliding into each other, or they may be waiting for the words that have undergone a white-out effect to revert to normal. Those reasons are related to SSS. But unless the right questions are asked, the problems will get classified as reading failure, resulting in the person being thought of as retarded or at least a dummy for not being able to learn. Helen was the first person to actually ask the "bad reader" what they were seeing.
A number of reading methods currently used in schools can successfully treat reading problems. The success of the approach depends on how well it fits the child's learning style and needs. No one method works for every child, because the cause of reading difficulties can differ from child to child. The approaches include:
- Phonetics. Isolated letter sounds or letter clusters are taught sequentially and blended to form words.
- Linguistic Methods. Patterns of letters or words are taught and combined to form words or sentences.
- Orton-Guillingham Method. A combination of phonetics and tactile stimulation is taught by using writing and tracing activities. The method works well for children with visual or auditory weakness. This can be associated with Braile, wherein you literally feel each letter in order to read it.
- Whole Word Approach. Before a story is read, new words are presented on flash cards and in sentences with accompanying pictures. The method stresses a contextual and conceptual approach. Children who make a mistake while reading are not stopped and asked to correct the word; instead they complete the passage to concentrate on overall meaning.
- Fernald Method. Students pronounce each sound of new words as they trace over them with the index finger of their writing hand.
- Choral Reading. Students read aloud as a group.
- Recorded Book. Students listen 2 or 3 times to brief recordings of books. They visually follow the words, then read the selection aloud.
- Paired Reading Method. Parent and child read aloud together. Usually the child also points to the words and turns the pages.
Similar to the above-mentioned Whole Word Approach, wherein the new word is presented with a picture thet represents it, thus guaranteeing the reader understands the definition.
The Scientologists recognized what went wrong when you read to the end of a paragraph and then realize you were not listening. It is because you went past a word you did not understand; either mis-reading it, or simply (usually) it being a word you did not know the definition of. In Scientology classes, they make you read with a dictionary at hand, so you can stop and look up these words. At the beginning of every L Ron Hubbard book, it tells you to be sure you know the definition of every word before you go past it. It is a very effective way of being certain no one gets confused by what they are reading, or more commonly get to the end of a paragraph and feel like a deer in headlights. Your mind stops listening when it gets to a word it does not understand, and though your eyes continue to read, your mind is then no longer listening. (Note: I am not a Scientologist, and want nothing to do with their manipulative cult. I am just using this as an explanation of 1 of the problems all readers have).
But for me, I like the second half of the Whole Word Approach description, wherein the reader is allowed to complete the passage to concentrate on the overall meaning. I like being allowed to read through it because my form of SSS, wherein I see too much white (makes the word "can't" into "can"); after I have finished the sentance I then realize the writer meant "can not" when I read "can".
I acquire understanding by learning what was meant with the whole sentance, rather than the individual words.
This is due to SSS, but also Asperger's Syndrome, in thet (because I could not hear what was being said) I learned language by inventing my own gibberish words thet had emotional definitions; i.e., I did not necessarily know, or see in my mind, the spelling of those words. Instead I emotionally felt the overall meaning. See Jessica Park's mental-image-picture of a 1 inch tall man hanging by his hands from a clothespin when she hears the term "thank you". That arrangement of letters has an emotional definition thet has nothing to do with the dictionary definition (to her).
Though Helen never mentions Autism in this book, she does understand Sensory Processing Disorders, which is what Autism is.
Sometimes learning disabilities exist in other members of the same family, suggesting a hereditary factor (my father and his brother have AS, thus, so do I).
In some, the learning disability comes from an injury to the nervous system, perhaps caused at birth or from a high fever or a concussion (when I was 12 I received a severe concussion thet kept me unconscious for a week. This injury damaged my Fusiform Gyrus, the part of my brain thet interprets visual information, specifically face-recognition. Inability to maintain eye-contact or recognize the meaning of facial expressions is a classic symptom of Autism. Perhaps this Autism symptom in me was cause by this physical injury and would have otherwise not been present in my case of Aspergers). Sometimes it is explained as developmental delays or maturational lags, and parents are told their child will outgrow the problem.
Some theories suggest that children who have learning disabilities have problems with the way the brain handles information. There might be a malfunction in the brain, but no conclusions have yet been made about how or why the malfunction occurs. There might be nothing wrong with those children's ability to obtain information. In other words, their 5 senses might be fine, but the problem occurs in the brain after the information has been received. Researchers are also exploring the effects of biochemical and nutritional imbalances on the brain and its development.
Autism is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders, and the reason vitamins B6 and K2 help Autistics so much is because the B6 calms the overactive neurons thus aleviating the brain Attention Deficit-ing all over the place, and the K2 calms the physical nerves, causing the body to feel less over-stimulated.
Long before I ever heard of Autism, I knew Dyslexia was technically a "vitamin deficiency". When I was 15 I realized thet if I ran out of vitamins I would get very spacey and lose my ability to read well. Even back then I recognized I needed to take my B Complex - or else.
Federal laws require schools to evaluate any child who is suspected of having a learning disability or who simply is not functioning well in school. Those evaluations typically include consultations with medical doctors, psychologists, and educators [but never the child] to determine what problems exist and whether physical or psychological factors are the cause.
I will never forgive my parents for making me go to school. They owe me 10 years of my life back - the time wasted in the evil public school system where I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever, other than how to hate.
I was given that 1 Embedded Figure Test (at the age of 11), which I slaughtered in anxiety and tunnel-vision. No medical doctor, psychologist, or quote-unquote "educator" (snicker) ever talked to me about me! No one ever helped me. They all intentionally withheld education, even about my case they were examining. No one ever told me that test was coming, what it was for, nor the results!
The greater degree of right-brain development in people with Dyslexia might explain why they often do so well in creative arts, sports, and other spacial-based activities.
Dyslexia being a Sensory Processing Disorder, like Autism, thus results in this: "For success in science or art, a dash of Autism is essential." - Hans Asperger.
"We can see in the Autistic person, far more clearly than with any normal child, a predestination for a particular profession from earliest youth. A particular line of work often grows naturally out of their special abilities." - Hans Asperger.
What is sad is that once labeled Dyslexic, they will continue to have severe reading difficulties unless they are examined for SSS.
In some cases, even if SSS is identified and the perceptual difficulties are corrected, reading problems continue because of language and neurological-based difficulties. There can still be a major limiting effect on reading achievement.
For those Dyslexics, even though they now can accurately perceive the page, they still have difficulty reading. Words still cannot be sounded-out or read, even though they can be clearly and consistently perceived. That is because SSS does not affect encoding or decoding skills, so the use of colored filters cannot improve phonetics ability or increase sight vocabulary.
Meanwhile, the brain-dead medical profession takes that idea, and in their blithering stupidity uses it as a blanket condemnation of anything that might cure some cases of Dyslexia: "I called the Dyslexia Society after seeing the 60 Minutes show to find out how to get help with colored lenses. They told me this method could not help me. They said that glasses may stop the written words from moving, but they will not help me learn! I became angry at these 'professionals' who could not understand that if one cannot perceive the page correctly, the learning process will be impeded. These people were telling me that not being able to see the printed page had no effect on my Dyslexia!
I have been wearing the lenses for a year and a half now. My reading skills have tripled. I can read for as long as I want without feeling sick. I have had to learn to process information much faster, as my reading speed has greatly increased."
This proves the Dyslexia Society are weasels; they have no clue what Dyslexia is, they just want to cash-in on the Dyslexia Fad! The Dyslexia Society it's self believes Dyslexia is a learning disability, rather than what it actually is, a Sensory Processing Disorder.
In 1990, Erica, one of the reporters who worked on the 60 Minutes story, told me her tale: "That story brought more phone calls than any other story aired on 60 Minutes, followed by a flood of letters, including a letter from the Orton Dyslexic Society telling us we were irresponsible in our reporting. 'To suggest that Helen Irlen could help Dyslexics was cruel, because Dyslexics could not be helped.' I was outraged."
This is the same corrupt whore crap mentioned in the book Accept No Autism: "I had shared with them my intentions to apply for a job-opening within their organization because their current Autism representative was retiring. Sufficiently knowledgeable and experienced, I desperately wanted to help other families survive this diagnosis. Even the lady leaving the position thought I was the perfect candidate. Unfortunately their response to me on this subject was just as ridiculous as their earlier comments. They said they would never seriously consider my application. They said they could not risk a family making such assumptions about Zack's recovery from Autism; they could not risk me offering that kind of hope to anyone. Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I thought to myself, "Without hope, all we parents have is complete and utter desperation. How can you live with yourselves, knowing that you are intentionally denying other families hope?"
The final conclusion is thet the utterly corrupt drug-pushing medical profession/Autism Fad makes more money treating illness than they do curing it, thus they intentionally refrain from finding cures, and even shut up people like this who just want to help.
Many people with SSS find they cannot tell which line a note is on, and some think that the notes are supposed to move in time with the music! The lines might wave or cross, and the notes might appear and disappear, making music very difficult to read.
My only true gift is as a composer. I literally write music in my sleep. I have written music to about 300 songs, 180 of which I actually recorded, but I cannot learn to read music, because the tails on the notes are too small, and thus the white on the page overwhelms them. It is like the apostrophe erasing from the word "can't". I see too much white, thus I cannot read music.
What happens to them after treatment?
They will notice dramatic changes, and will have to get used to a new way of reading. Their mind will have to catch up with the new speed of their reading. They will read whole words at a time, rather than single letters, or have to interpret whole sentances rather than individual words. They will have to re-learn to read without going back and re-reading over and over like they used to. It is a matter of un-learning "bad habbits". There is a period of adjustment, even to something good.
One of the things taken for granted is the use of punctuation. In someone like me who has trouble seeing tiny punctuation marks, they will have to learn what they mean and their proper usage. Some may have never seen punctuation before at all, thus they will have to learn a whole new vocabulary of just the punctuation marks.
A 34 year old man who despite tutoring and remediation had a reading level of approximately the second grade wanted to put on the color filters and immediately be able to read. But the distortions he had experienced on the page were minimal and contributed more to discomfort than interference with reading. He would not be a good candidate for filters.
Some schools are using chalkboards in beige or gray rather than black or white. The new colors make it a lot easier on the eyes. Colored highlighters in yellow, pink, or other pastels can help students read what otherwise might be unreadable to them. They especially can help students perform precise academic activities such as keeping numbers in columns, making mathematical computations, or highlighting important information.
About 15 years ago I went to the unemployment office to get a list of jobs to apply for. The print-out was black letters on white paper. But the office worker (for some reason) highlighted "pertinent information" such as the phone number and street address of the places I was to put in the applications. I found it insulting thet they thought I could not figure out the page without them highlighting the blatantly obvious (I know how to read! You do not have to spoon-feed me!). It also made it very hard for me to read; it was as if they had just scribbled all over the page, which was very irritating to me. I had difficulty shifting between the white and the colored lines.
When I am shopping for used books, I refuse to even consider a book the former owner highlighted lines in.
Unfortunately, the [appalling] limits of the [useless] educational system in diagnosing problems have led to inappropriate and damaging labels.
When they sprung that Embedded Figure Test on me, no one had ever asked me what I thought or felt ... before, during, nor after the test! When I had a nervous break-down (caused by severe allergies and extreme sleep-deprivation) at the age of 18, the doctors talked to my malicious compulsive-liar mother, and between them decided I was Schizophrenic! I have never seen "doctor/patient confidentiality"! All the teachers and all the doctors conspired to invent labels I was never told of nor asked about. And in the case of the Embedded Figure Test, I never did find out what their diagnoses even was, and they apparently never did anything specific to address whatever they thought the problem was! My files were of course passed on to my next school wherein they determined (by reading the inaccurate "analysis" from morons who never talked to me) thet I was "one of the dumb kids" and put me in some baby class where they spoon-fed us first grade level pointless shit, while forbidding me to study what I was actually interested in (geology, horticulture, and political science).
What is the best way to diagnose? Ask those who are having the trouble! Amazingly ["Amazingly", dripping with sarcasm], those individuals, when asked appropriate questions, provide tremendous insight into the cause and nature of their difficulties. Imagine that!
This book ends with a listing of 19 Irlen Clinics in the USA, 17 in Australia, and 13 in other assorted countries.
Someday when I am rich, I want to go get tested, for I obviously have 2 of the symptoms of SSS thet are mentioned specifically in this book: White rivers flowing down the page, and punctuation fading out, both are caused by me seeing too much white.
(I took the test; see www.Irlen.com. And eventually I did become "rich", and got Irlen lenses. See the Irlen Lenses section of this site for my diary explaining the miraculous results).
You can also read an excellent interview with Helen Irlen at
www.autism.com/index.php/understanding_irlens
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Overcoming Dyslexia and other reading disabilities through the Irlen Method
by Helen Irlen
Helen Irlen discovered thet reading through colored filters alleviates Dyslexia. From this she did research to understand why, and has thus become an expert on the subject (she invented). This book tells how she discovered these things and basically the history of her Irlen Institute, wherein people with reading difficulties can be tested and fitted for glasses with assorted colored lenses.
Being Dyslexic as a kid, I am interested in this subject. Also, Dyslexia is a Sensory Processing Disorder; i.e., there may be nothing wrong with the eye it's self, it is the brain's abnormal way of processing the visual information thet causes Dyslexia - thus, Dyslexia can be a symptom of Neurological Autism. Helen refers to this as Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome (SSS). Individuals with SSS perceive the world around them in a distorted way as a result of a sensitivity to certain wavelengths of light.
After tracking children over so long a period of time, it became apparent that learning problems do not always go away, regardless of time, money, expertise, and effort expended, thus suggesting the problem was not mental, but physical.
The problem is thet before Helen Irlen, no one knew how to recognize that - and if they had, they would not have known what to do about it.
Throughout this book Helen quotes many Dyslexics, child and adult, noting specifically how ingrained in them it is thet remedial therapies do no good, so why bother. They routinely just accept thet they will never be able to read well, and thus give up. One adult said, "They kept pushing remediation on me, and it eventually pushed me out of school."
The reason for this is thet Dyslexia was considered a form of mental retardation, rather than a Sensory Processing Disorder, which thus made the person feel stupid and Retarded when they knew they were not.
Helen was the first to ask the readers what they were actually seeing: I asked a group of proficient readers to read a printed page and tell me what it looked like. All had the same basic response. They saw words and letters. They looked at me as if to say, "What else am I supposed to see?", "There is not anything else there", and "Is this a trick question?"
When my problem-readers were asked the same question, most saw letters, words, and spaces, but a few reported things I had not expected to hear. They were saying, "The letters and words are running together", "The white spaces form rivers that run down the page", "When I start to read, the words become black lines and I do not see them any more".
When I first glance at a page of writing, I see the white spaces between the words, rather than the words or letters. I clearly see rivers of white running down the page through the spaces between the words.
Back when I was technically considered Dyslexic, I would spend my time drawing the flow gravity would take the river down the page. To this day, I still see the white spaces between the letters, rather than the letters themselves. This explains why (you may have noticed) I never conjoin words like can't, won't, don't, etc, and in my book reviews I comment with great annoyance about the writers conjoining words when they should spell them out. I see the white around the apostrophe, and it becomes brighter than the tiny black mark, thus the apostrophe becomes invisible to me, and so "can't" becomes "can t". Thus when I read it, it says "can" with a dangling "t" thet I dismiss because "t" is not an actual word. So by the end of the sentance I think the writer had said "can" when they actually meant "can not".
As with the apostrophe becoming invisible to me because the white around it becomes bigger and brighter, I also hate web-sites that have white letters on a black page, for I do not see the black, I only see the white, which then becomes brighter and bigger, thus making the letters get fuzzy around the edges and start to blur together. It is really irritating, to the extent thet I flat-out refuse to read a black page with white letters.
When I was a kid of 5-6-7, the words also wiggled around on the page, and gave me a head-ache. By the time I was 20, I still had problems; specifically, letters like p and q, d and b, and s would wiggle backward and forward; always lower-case letters, rounded. I never mistook a W for an X. Thus, I simply did not read or write (unless absolutely necessary) until, I was 19 or so, at which time I started writing poetry and song lyrics (on a typewriter). Before then, it was just too hard to get the words to hold still on the page, and my own handwriting was so horrible (Dyspraxia) I could not read it myself.
Today I am known for reading obsessively, writing 6 hours every day, and having especially clear handwriting - neatly printed in all capital letters. It is also noteworthy thet I am using this specific font. The lower-case letters are almost as tall as the capitals, thus eliminating the rivers of white thet otherwise would run down the page. This is also why I print by hand in all capital letters.
I also wear brown anti-glare filters along with my regular glasses thet turn dark in the sun. Without the brown filters the sun-light would outright hurt.
My Asperger father is also hyper-sensitive to light, especially when driving at night. Like me, he practically refuses to drive after dark, because the on-coming headlights are painful to him.
Most of the students incorrectly assumed that everyone else saw the printed page the same way they did. For example, if when they read, the words on the page appeared to swirl, they might look over at their neighbor's page and see the same swirling effect. They assumed that everyone else was reading a page that moved, and could do it, while they were just too stupid to figure it out themselves.
The brain has trouble processing and understanding the information it receives. An important part of the inability to process words on the page was the instability of the words or the interference from the white background. Both of which were symptoms I had.
One day I was working with 5 students. One of them had a red overlay she has used for an earlier vision training exercise. Another student put the colored sheet on the page she was looking at, and actually gave a little scream. It was the first time she had ever been able to read without having the words constantly sway back and forth! The other 3 students tried to read with the red plastic sheet, but they found it made no difference.
We went to the theater department and obtained as many different gels (from the stage lights) as they had available. During the subsequent weeks any student who had difficulties tried reading with the gels. Of 37 students with visual perception problems, 31 were helped by the colored sheets. Certain colors could make things better, but other colors could make things worse. But for each there was one color that worked best - they reported that they could read better and longer.
When I tried the same test on students who read well, it did not affect how long or well they read. Other than the color, they did not find the page any different.
My articles had not been accepted for publication. The inability to gain recognition was not as frustrating as the reasons given by those reviewing my research. They felt I was presenting research linking vision to learning disabilities and Dyslexia. I was told that this concept had been discredited years ago. They missed the fact that perception is not the same thing as vision, and that I therefore was describing a process that had not previously been researched.
The journalist returned to Hong Kong with a determination to get the story to the public so that individuals could determine for themselves whether to try the process. The journalist and the executive producer of a TV station wanted 60 Minutes Australia to send a Dyslexic child to the USA to be tested for colored lenses.
Rose Colored Glasses aired in April of 1985. The response was overwhelming.
People might have trouble with many different aspects of their lives: "I am clumsy", "I cannot read music", "I cannot catch a ball". Those problems might not be separate. They might all have one source: SSS.
SSS is a variable condition often found to exist as a component of Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Attention Deficit, and many other learning problems.
To elaborate, I Googled the above-mentioned disorders.
- Dyslexia is (according to me) a Sensory Processing Disorder; i.e. the eye may work perfectly, but the brain's ability to process the visual information is erratic.
- Dyscalculia is (according to Wikipedia):
▪ Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, -, x, and ÷.
▪ Difficulty with everyday tasks like counting change and reading analog clocks.
▪ Inability to comprehend financial planning or budgeting, sometimes even at a basic level; for example, estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket or balancing a checkbook.
▪ Difficulty with multiplication-tables, and subtraction-tables, addition-tables, division-tables, mental arithmatic, etc.
▪ May do fairly well in subjects such as science and geometry, which require logic rather than formulae, until a higher level requiring calculations is obtained.
▪ Many of those who suffer from Dyscalculia may have parents who perform well to excellent in Mathematics-related fields (such as architects, engineers, or math teachers), though this connection has yet to be genetically linked [architects and engineers are often the parents of Autistic kids].
▪ Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. May be chronically late or early.
▪ Particularly problems with differentiating between left and right or East and West.
▪ Might do exceptionally well in a writing related field - many authors and journalists have this disorder.
▪ Difficulty navigating or mentally "turning" the map to face the current direction rather than the common North = Top usage.
▪ Having particular difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance; e.g., whether something is 10 or 20 feet away.
▪ Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences.
▪ An inability to read a sequence of numbers, or transposing them when repeated, such as turning 56 into 65.
▪ Difficulty keeping score during games.
▪ Difficulty with games such as poker with flexible rules for scoring.
▪ Difficulty in activities requiring sequential processing, from the physical (such as dance steps or sports maneuvers) to the abstract (signaling in the right order). May have trouble even with a calculator due to difficulties in the process of feeding in variables.
▪ The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia or durable anxiety of mathematics and mathematic-numeric devices/coherences.
▪ Inability to concentrate on mentally intensive tasks.
▪ Low latent inhibition; i.e., over-sensitivity to noise, smell, and light, and the inability to tune out, filtering unwanted information or impressions. Might have a well-developed sense of imagination due to this (possibly as cognitive compensation for mathematical-numeric deficits).
▪ Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name/face retrieval. May substitute names beginning with same letter.
I definitely have 90% of these symptoms; as do most Autistics.
Dysgraphia:
Dysgraphia is a deficiency in the ability to write, regardless of the ability to read, not due to intellectual impairment.
People with Dysgraphia usually can write on some level, and often lack other fine motor skills and may be cross-dominant (i.e., ambidextrous), finding tasks such as tying shoes difficult. It often does not affect all fine motor skills. They can also lack basic grammar and spelling skills (for example, having difficulties with the letters p, q, b, and d), and often will write the wrong word when trying to formulate thoughts (on paper). In childhood, the disorder generally emerges when the child is first introduced to writing. The child may make inappropriately sized and spaced letters, or write wrong or misspelled words despite thorough instruction. Children with the disorder may have other learning disabilities, but they usually have no social or other academic problems. Cases of Dysgraphia in adults generally occur after some neurological trauma. Dysgraphia may also be diagnosed in a person with Tourette Syndrome, ADHD, or an Autism Spectrum Disorder such as Asperger's Syndrome. The DSM IV identifies Dysgraphia as a "Disorder of Written Expression" as "writing skills that are substantially below those expected given the person's age, measured intelligence, and age-appropriate education."
Again, I have most of these symptoms.
When people with SSS are reading, it is not unusual for periods, commas, and dots on the top of i's to disappear.
As mentioned above, the conjunction "can't" looks like "can t" to me.
He sees a white glow around every letter on the page. The spaces between the lines light up and produce a neon effect. The halos overlap, making it confusing to discern the letters. Lights flash all over the page. Reading for more than a few minutes is practically impossible, and looking at the white page with black print is physically painful. He experiences intense fatigue and excruciating headaches when he tries to read for any length of time.
I was never that bad. But I do have a milder version of this exact manifestation of a sensory processing disorder.
Note thet this web-site is beige, not white.
For some, the visual imagery for spelling is nonexistent, and there might be an over-dependence on spelling phonetically. There is no written difference between the words "read" (pronounced reed) and "read" (pronounced red), thus I intentionally spelled them Rhede and Reed, Rhed and Red so I could tell the difference.
One adult, unable to graduate from college because of his "tunnel reading", reported that reading was like having a book of flash-cards, one letter per card, then holding up the cards one at a time. He had learned to get the waiter in a restaurant to read the menu to him, because, "If I had to read the menu letter-by-letter we would be there for days."
12% of the general population suffer from mild symptoms of SSS. 46% of those with learning disabilities also have SSS (SSS is not a learning disability, it is a processing disorder). 65% of Dyslexics have SSS.
The genetic link at least lets children know that their reading difficulties are not due to low intelligence or bad behavior. Also, SSS affects both sexes equally.
People can stumble over a word for a variety of reasons, such as weak sight vocabulary, or poor decoding skills. It is not always because they cannot read the word. The words on the page may be sliding into each other, or they may be waiting for the words that have undergone a white-out effect to revert to normal. Those reasons are related to SSS. But unless the right questions are asked, the problems will get classified as reading failure, resulting in the person being thought of as retarded or at least a dummy for not being able to learn. Helen was the first person to actually ask the "bad reader" what they were seeing.
A number of reading methods currently used in schools can successfully treat reading problems. The success of the approach depends on how well it fits the child's learning style and needs. No one method works for every child, because the cause of reading difficulties can differ from child to child. The approaches include:
- Phonetics. Isolated letter sounds or letter clusters are taught sequentially and blended to form words.
- Linguistic Methods. Patterns of letters or words are taught and combined to form words or sentences.
- Orton-Guillingham Method. A combination of phonetics and tactile stimulation is taught by using writing and tracing activities. The method works well for children with visual or auditory weakness. This can be associated with Braile, wherein you literally feel each letter in order to read it.
- Whole Word Approach. Before a story is read, new words are presented on flash cards and in sentences with accompanying pictures. The method stresses a contextual and conceptual approach. Children who make a mistake while reading are not stopped and asked to correct the word; instead they complete the passage to concentrate on overall meaning.
- Fernald Method. Students pronounce each sound of new words as they trace over them with the index finger of their writing hand.
- Choral Reading. Students read aloud as a group.
- Recorded Book. Students listen 2 or 3 times to brief recordings of books. They visually follow the words, then read the selection aloud.
- Paired Reading Method. Parent and child read aloud together. Usually the child also points to the words and turns the pages.
Similar to the above-mentioned Whole Word Approach, wherein the new word is presented with a picture thet represents it, thus guaranteeing the reader understands the definition.
The Scientologists recognized what went wrong when you read to the end of a paragraph and then realize you were not listening. It is because you went past a word you did not understand; either mis-reading it, or simply (usually) it being a word you did not know the definition of. In Scientology classes, they make you read with a dictionary at hand, so you can stop and look up these words. At the beginning of every L Ron Hubbard book, it tells you to be sure you know the definition of every word before you go past it. It is a very effective way of being certain no one gets confused by what they are reading, or more commonly get to the end of a paragraph and feel like a deer in headlights. Your mind stops listening when it gets to a word it does not understand, and though your eyes continue to read, your mind is then no longer listening. (Note: I am not a Scientologist, and want nothing to do with their manipulative cult. I am just using this as an explanation of 1 of the problems all readers have).
But for me, I like the second half of the Whole Word Approach description, wherein the reader is allowed to complete the passage to concentrate on the overall meaning. I like being allowed to read through it because my form of SSS, wherein I see too much white (makes the word "can't" into "can"); after I have finished the sentance I then realize the writer meant "can not" when I read "can".
I acquire understanding by learning what was meant with the whole sentance, rather than the individual words.
This is due to SSS, but also Asperger's Syndrome, in thet (because I could not hear what was being said) I learned language by inventing my own gibberish words thet had emotional definitions; i.e., I did not necessarily know, or see in my mind, the spelling of those words. Instead I emotionally felt the overall meaning. See Jessica Park's mental-image-picture of a 1 inch tall man hanging by his hands from a clothespin when she hears the term "thank you". That arrangement of letters has an emotional definition thet has nothing to do with the dictionary definition (to her).
Though Helen never mentions Autism in this book, she does understand Sensory Processing Disorders, which is what Autism is.
Sometimes learning disabilities exist in other members of the same family, suggesting a hereditary factor (my father and his brother have AS, thus, so do I).
In some, the learning disability comes from an injury to the nervous system, perhaps caused at birth or from a high fever or a concussion (when I was 12 I received a severe concussion thet kept me unconscious for a week. This injury damaged my Fusiform Gyrus, the part of my brain thet interprets visual information, specifically face-recognition. Inability to maintain eye-contact or recognize the meaning of facial expressions is a classic symptom of Autism. Perhaps this Autism symptom in me was cause by this physical injury and would have otherwise not been present in my case of Aspergers). Sometimes it is explained as developmental delays or maturational lags, and parents are told their child will outgrow the problem.
Some theories suggest that children who have learning disabilities have problems with the way the brain handles information. There might be a malfunction in the brain, but no conclusions have yet been made about how or why the malfunction occurs. There might be nothing wrong with those children's ability to obtain information. In other words, their 5 senses might be fine, but the problem occurs in the brain after the information has been received. Researchers are also exploring the effects of biochemical and nutritional imbalances on the brain and its development.
Autism is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders, and the reason vitamins B6 and K2 help Autistics so much is because the B6 calms the overactive neurons thus aleviating the brain Attention Deficit-ing all over the place, and the K2 calms the physical nerves, causing the body to feel less over-stimulated.
Long before I ever heard of Autism, I knew Dyslexia was technically a "vitamin deficiency". When I was 15 I realized thet if I ran out of vitamins I would get very spacey and lose my ability to read well. Even back then I recognized I needed to take my B Complex - or else.
Federal laws require schools to evaluate any child who is suspected of having a learning disability or who simply is not functioning well in school. Those evaluations typically include consultations with medical doctors, psychologists, and educators [but never the child] to determine what problems exist and whether physical or psychological factors are the cause.
I will never forgive my parents for making me go to school. They owe me 10 years of my life back - the time wasted in the evil public school system where I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever, other than how to hate.
I was given that 1 Embedded Figure Test (at the age of 11), which I slaughtered in anxiety and tunnel-vision. No medical doctor, psychologist, or quote-unquote "educator" (snicker) ever talked to me about me! No one ever helped me. They all intentionally withheld education, even about my case they were examining. No one ever told me that test was coming, what it was for, nor the results!
The greater degree of right-brain development in people with Dyslexia might explain why they often do so well in creative arts, sports, and other spacial-based activities.
Dyslexia being a Sensory Processing Disorder, like Autism, thus results in this: "For success in science or art, a dash of Autism is essential." - Hans Asperger.
"We can see in the Autistic person, far more clearly than with any normal child, a predestination for a particular profession from earliest youth. A particular line of work often grows naturally out of their special abilities." - Hans Asperger.
What is sad is that once labeled Dyslexic, they will continue to have severe reading difficulties unless they are examined for SSS.
In some cases, even if SSS is identified and the perceptual difficulties are corrected, reading problems continue because of language and neurological-based difficulties. There can still be a major limiting effect on reading achievement.
For those Dyslexics, even though they now can accurately perceive the page, they still have difficulty reading. Words still cannot be sounded-out or read, even though they can be clearly and consistently perceived. That is because SSS does not affect encoding or decoding skills, so the use of colored filters cannot improve phonetics ability or increase sight vocabulary.
Meanwhile, the brain-dead medical profession takes that idea, and in their blithering stupidity uses it as a blanket condemnation of anything that might cure some cases of Dyslexia: "I called the Dyslexia Society after seeing the 60 Minutes show to find out how to get help with colored lenses. They told me this method could not help me. They said that glasses may stop the written words from moving, but they will not help me learn! I became angry at these 'professionals' who could not understand that if one cannot perceive the page correctly, the learning process will be impeded. These people were telling me that not being able to see the printed page had no effect on my Dyslexia!
I have been wearing the lenses for a year and a half now. My reading skills have tripled. I can read for as long as I want without feeling sick. I have had to learn to process information much faster, as my reading speed has greatly increased."
This proves the Dyslexia Society are weasels; they have no clue what Dyslexia is, they just want to cash-in on the Dyslexia Fad! The Dyslexia Society it's self believes Dyslexia is a learning disability, rather than what it actually is, a Sensory Processing Disorder.
In 1990, Erica, one of the reporters who worked on the 60 Minutes story, told me her tale: "That story brought more phone calls than any other story aired on 60 Minutes, followed by a flood of letters, including a letter from the Orton Dyslexic Society telling us we were irresponsible in our reporting. 'To suggest that Helen Irlen could help Dyslexics was cruel, because Dyslexics could not be helped.' I was outraged."
This is the same corrupt whore crap mentioned in the book Accept No Autism: "I had shared with them my intentions to apply for a job-opening within their organization because their current Autism representative was retiring. Sufficiently knowledgeable and experienced, I desperately wanted to help other families survive this diagnosis. Even the lady leaving the position thought I was the perfect candidate. Unfortunately their response to me on this subject was just as ridiculous as their earlier comments. They said they would never seriously consider my application. They said they could not risk a family making such assumptions about Zack's recovery from Autism; they could not risk me offering that kind of hope to anyone. Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I thought to myself, "Without hope, all we parents have is complete and utter desperation. How can you live with yourselves, knowing that you are intentionally denying other families hope?"
The final conclusion is thet the utterly corrupt drug-pushing medical profession/Autism Fad makes more money treating illness than they do curing it, thus they intentionally refrain from finding cures, and even shut up people like this who just want to help.
Many people with SSS find they cannot tell which line a note is on, and some think that the notes are supposed to move in time with the music! The lines might wave or cross, and the notes might appear and disappear, making music very difficult to read.
My only true gift is as a composer. I literally write music in my sleep. I have written music to about 300 songs, 180 of which I actually recorded, but I cannot learn to read music, because the tails on the notes are too small, and thus the white on the page overwhelms them. It is like the apostrophe erasing from the word "can't". I see too much white, thus I cannot read music.
What happens to them after treatment?
They will notice dramatic changes, and will have to get used to a new way of reading. Their mind will have to catch up with the new speed of their reading. They will read whole words at a time, rather than single letters, or have to interpret whole sentances rather than individual words. They will have to re-learn to read without going back and re-reading over and over like they used to. It is a matter of un-learning "bad habbits". There is a period of adjustment, even to something good.
One of the things taken for granted is the use of punctuation. In someone like me who has trouble seeing tiny punctuation marks, they will have to learn what they mean and their proper usage. Some may have never seen punctuation before at all, thus they will have to learn a whole new vocabulary of just the punctuation marks.
A 34 year old man who despite tutoring and remediation had a reading level of approximately the second grade wanted to put on the color filters and immediately be able to read. But the distortions he had experienced on the page were minimal and contributed more to discomfort than interference with reading. He would not be a good candidate for filters.
Some schools are using chalkboards in beige or gray rather than black or white. The new colors make it a lot easier on the eyes. Colored highlighters in yellow, pink, or other pastels can help students read what otherwise might be unreadable to them. They especially can help students perform precise academic activities such as keeping numbers in columns, making mathematical computations, or highlighting important information.
About 15 years ago I went to the unemployment office to get a list of jobs to apply for. The print-out was black letters on white paper. But the office worker (for some reason) highlighted "pertinent information" such as the phone number and street address of the places I was to put in the applications. I found it insulting thet they thought I could not figure out the page without them highlighting the blatantly obvious (I know how to read! You do not have to spoon-feed me!). It also made it very hard for me to read; it was as if they had just scribbled all over the page, which was very irritating to me. I had difficulty shifting between the white and the colored lines.
When I am shopping for used books, I refuse to even consider a book the former owner highlighted lines in.
Unfortunately, the [appalling] limits of the [useless] educational system in diagnosing problems have led to inappropriate and damaging labels.
When they sprung that Embedded Figure Test on me, no one had ever asked me what I thought or felt ... before, during, nor after the test! When I had a nervous break-down (caused by severe allergies and extreme sleep-deprivation) at the age of 18, the doctors talked to my malicious compulsive-liar mother, and between them decided I was Schizophrenic! I have never seen "doctor/patient confidentiality"! All the teachers and all the doctors conspired to invent labels I was never told of nor asked about. And in the case of the Embedded Figure Test, I never did find out what their diagnoses even was, and they apparently never did anything specific to address whatever they thought the problem was! My files were of course passed on to my next school wherein they determined (by reading the inaccurate "analysis" from morons who never talked to me) thet I was "one of the dumb kids" and put me in some baby class where they spoon-fed us first grade level pointless shit, while forbidding me to study what I was actually interested in (geology, horticulture, and political science).
What is the best way to diagnose? Ask those who are having the trouble! Amazingly ["Amazingly", dripping with sarcasm], those individuals, when asked appropriate questions, provide tremendous insight into the cause and nature of their difficulties. Imagine that!
This book ends with a listing of 19 Irlen Clinics in the USA, 17 in Australia, and 13 in other assorted countries.
Someday when I am rich, I want to go get tested, for I obviously have 2 of the symptoms of SSS thet are mentioned specifically in this book: White rivers flowing down the page, and punctuation fading out, both are caused by me seeing too much white.
(I took the test; see www.Irlen.com. And eventually I did become "rich", and got Irlen lenses. See the Irlen Lenses section of this site for my diary explaining the miraculous results).
You can also read an excellent interview with Helen Irlen at
www.autism.com/index.php/understanding_irlens
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Somebody Somewhere
Breaking free from the world of Autism
by Donna Williams
Part 2 of her biography, Donna's horror-story childhood continues:
A pillow was pushed down upon my face day after day. You never knew when it would strike. You had to pull your jaw and bottom lip in in anticipation of the pressure on your mouth. Calm down, have no need to breathe. The feeling of fabric forced into your mouth would trigger the response to vomit. But vomit was not allowed, nor was fear. Home was the place where Spastics and Retards deserved to die. Me? I would play "Normal", even if I did not feel it.
The smell of smoke and alcohol, the screaming and swearing and smashing of things and people were the general sounds of domesticity. The rhythmic moving of bodies before eyes too young to understand was part of education lying in wait. This was a "motivating" environment.
Steam rose from the tub of boiling water. The sound of fear in your own ears, a silent screaming. No words. No "No." Who knew what words were for. Fear fought for domination. Learning to "disappear" had it's advantages.
I too learned this "disappear" trick. I developed the ability to turn off my psychic energy and thus appear utterly insignificant, and nearly invisible to whomever was trying to hurt me. This evolved into Dissociative Personality Disorder, and eventually a Multiple Personality. Understanding thet I did not have to be present for anything thet displeased my superior being, I eventually developed an outright God Complex (around the age of 36) produced in part by my absolute certainty thet I could not be physically hurt by anyone. I have known all my life thet I would die by my own hand, because it is impossible for any person to kill me. I know this deep in my soul. I have absolutely no fear of anyone, thus no buttons to be pushed by abusers. No buttons, period; i.e., even if some woman is trying to seduce me - I have no buttons.
These are the worst possible parents for an Autistic child who already has difficulty finding his location in his own body. But I think it did help me tap into and cultivate my psychic gifts: my ability to read minds, communicate telepathically, and to leave my body, etc.
Cigarettes seared flesh, and the belt buckle hit something again and again. "Cry and I will fucking kill you!" The reminder thet the cost of crying would be death made fear irrelevant. Fear was my worst enemy.
My Gemini father used to roar, "What are you smiling at!" to keep his children utterly blank emotionally, because (as with all Geminis) he was terrified of his own emotions. Also being a Paranoid Schizophrenic, he would project his own (vicious) feelings he was afraid of onto everyone around him, seeing violence in every harmless little thing - even if little kids were just smiling.
I developed the attitude thet all Normals are like this to some extent. I am so profoundly more emotionally mature than anyone else.
This is also seen in the typical Aspie problem of interacting with the Normals, wherein they are intimidated by our emotional intensity. Then they say Aspies have difficulty making friends. No. It is the Normals who are afraid of intimacy and honest emotions. The reason they communicate with eye-signals while blithering pointless small-talk is because they are terrified of expressing honest emotion. Aspies are so superior.
By the age of 25, Donna says, I had to pick up the pieces of my war. Those pieces were scattered everywhere at the feet of so-called friends, in the faces of so-called family, and in the bedrooms of so-called lovers. I had a "The World" dictionary of control disguised as caring, lust disguised as love, uselessness disguised as charitable martyrdom, and cheap entertainment disguised as acceptance. I could not go forward with the old definitions. But to build the new ones, my definitions, I would have to face the old ones and tell it like it was. I had to shatter the myths thet had me tied in knots upon knots, my selfhood, immobile within a mental, emotional, physical, and social straightjacket.
Vegetables grow in gardens not classrooms. It seemed inexcusable to get paid to watch vegetables grow when attempts could be made to help them realize a little more humanity. Years pass too quickly, and those assumed to be vegetables sometimes fulfill the low expectations they are being held to and do not grow up to live as human beings.
I entered the classroom of special-needs adults. Robbie seemed to me a shining example of someone who had won in terms of a battle to keep the world out and convince everyone there was nobody home. He was 22, 6 feet tall, and clad in diapers.
Robbie was being toileted. This constituted most of his "education" 5 days a week. And my job was to take him to the toilet at regular intervals. It was hoped thet after 22 years, Robbie would realize the system and do it himself. It was just as likely thet he had already developed another system they had taught him; that of living up to unbelievably low expectations. A master at the art of non-being.
I could drive past a row of trees and focus sharply upon one leaf of each tree, down to the detail of the contrast in the width of each vein. That was the way it was when I was on automatic-pilot. Like a handful of other Autistic people, I could drive, paint, compose, and speak several foreign languages, all without thought or effort, but while I did I would be tuned-out and everything that happened or was taken in in the course of these actions which came in without being filtered. But the consequence of my "success" and "high functioning" were shutdown, overload, dissociation, and even losing time.
There are 2 ways to be nobody nowhere. One is to be frozen and unable to do anything spontaneously for yourself. The other is to be able to do anything based on stored mirrored repertories without any personal self-awareness, yet being otherwise virtually unable to do anything complex with awareness. And then there are different combinations of both.
This is what I have referred to for most of my life as "Communist Theory", wherein all things are equal comrades with no class distinction - the Autistic inability to determine the relative difference in value between things, resulting in being overwhelmed by the information overload I am unable to sort by priority. My Irlen lenses have greatly helped me filter out this visual excess.
As a Security Guard, I occasionally have this post wherein I drive around all the storage facilities visually checking each door-latch (thousands) to see if they have been broken into. About half way through my route I have a meltdown and go into a roaring rage, for I am not able to process that much visual information. After the tantrum, I finish the other half of the route in relative calm, but only if I talk to myself constantly - Hyperlexia being my most efficient Stim.
Since getting these glasses, I no longer become that overwhelmed by visual overload; I am now able to do that entire route without having a rage-attack. By the end of it, my visual processing ability is still exhausted, but not to the extent thet I have a melt-down.
Now when I burn out my visual processing ability, I fall asleep; I mean a sudden konking-out. My brain becomes exhausted by the visual over-load, and simply turns off.
Although I could memorize and mimic entire conversations with the accents of the people in them, I had not responded to being spoken to. My parents experimented with loud noises next to my ear without getting so much as a blink in response. They thought I was deaf. I was not. Unconvinced, in spite of my huge vocabulary, my parents took me for tests again when I was 9. People had no concept of being "meaning deaf". In terms of the effect on one's life, it largely amounts to being deaf. One is robbed, not of sound, but of the meaning of sound.
In my case it was simply my inability to hear specific sound frequencies, resulting in me learning the emotional meaning of the notes spoken without understanding the words.
Facial expressions had everything to do with learning to perform and nothing to do with feelings. My hands pulled my hair and hit my face, unable to accept thet I could not just act "normal".
In my case, I never tried to act normal, for I was unable to understand what normal was. All people were average (Democratically dummied down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule) as opposed to normal - each trapped in their paranoid BS (Belief System). I was emotionally detached, dissociative, and eventually multiple personality. I scared the hell out of the pathetic little Normals, them unable to get a response out of me, their fear of the unknown resulting in their typical terrified lynch-mob mentality.
Unlike Donna, I never self-injured, for none of it ever had anything to do with me. The depraved indifference toward all people being my best defense-mechanism, to this day I am honestly not afraid of anything, for nothing exists but my perception of it (in my dissociation). If I choose not to acknowledge your existence, you no longer exist!
I considered all the things I was missing thet other people seemed to have:
1) Connectedness to my body, my feelings, and my past.
2) Attachment, trust, and familiarity.
3) Friendships in which I would feel equal and not aware of my differentness.
4) An ability to stop being combative toward others and withdrawing into myself.
5) Acceptance of the world which offers no guarantees.
6) Being able to predict my own future, knowing I do not have what others have.
My response:
1) Connectedness to my body, my feelings, and my past.
I have always been dissociative and thus able to be honestly oblivious to what was happening to my body, even occasionally leaving my body completely. I have always been exceptionally in touch with my own feelings.
2) Attachment, trust, and familiarity.
7 times I have fallen in love with whatever chick happened to be on hand because I was desperate and she was there, but there was never any true attachment.
Being a gullible social deer in headlights, I was ridiculously trusting, which eventually taught me to maintain my contempt toward all people, 100% malicious manipulators. To this day it amazes me thet the Normals get a sense of superiority out of lying to my face and then deluding themselves thet they are superior to me because I trusted them. Total sociopaths, they take a spiteful pride in being "street smart" enough to recognize thet all their chosen companions are lying sacks of shit.
Familiarity is intellectual word-association to me; i.e., if the words match it feels familiar. I love to spend the majority of my time alone talking to myself - that feels the most familiar to me.
3) Friendships in which I would feel equal and not aware of my differentness.
I think she means thet she felt inferior. To me it was the opposite. My differentness was always profound superiority, me constantly having to lower my standards to avoid disappointment until I became enraged toward them all. 100% of teenagers engage in recreational vandalism - all of them but me. 100% of humanity believe in Democracy - the belief thet everyone should be dummied-down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule; they are actually terrified of the possibility of themselves rising above the masses wherein they would be recognized as "different", thus the Witch to be burned. They try to create camaraderie by wallowing in their mutually low standards. While I have the attitude of "I am the Witch. Go ahead! Try to burn me!" in my arrogant contempt. "Come and get me, Nigger!" I say in my haughty contempt. I despise all people, for they all intentionally try to stay safe by the carefulled holding of themselves down to the standards of the lynch-mob they are terrified of, thus afraid to leave; 100% War Criminals looking for a place to happen (Stanley Milgram's Guinea Pigs).
4) An ability to stop being combative toward others and withdrawing into myself.
I feel indifference toward others, and am (though detached from them) not really in myself; I am always thinking of how I would interact with others, or what it would be like to be others. And this is not a matter of not wanting to be myself (I never wish I was someone else), it is a matter of Anthropology, wherein I am always in a state of (detached) analysis of others. The Lab-rats all people are compared to me.
5) Acceptance of the world which offers no guarantees.
I am not part of the world, thus it's rules do not apply to me. In which case, I could not care less if I accept it.
6) Being able to predict my own future, knowing I do not have what others have.
My predictions of the future are based on my understanding of Bible Prophecy in comparison to Project Camelot information. My place in it is irrelevant in the Grand Scheme of things. My intellectual smugness maintained by the fact I am one of the very few people who actually know what is going on in the Big Picture, as compensation for the fact I cannot figure out what is going on with people one-on-one.
Donna talks about how she was indifferent toward the meaning of words thet represented things you could not touch or feel; i.e., words like "know" or "feel" had no meaning to her, because she only understood words thet represented physical objects her senses could perceive.
For me it was the opposite. I was oblivious to most things I could perceive with my body, and instead became fascinated with inventing new words thet had emotional definitions. Neologisms.
You see this idea in the difficulty Autistic kids sometimes have with toilet-training. If it is a physical thing, like the sensation of needing to go, they are relatively oblivious. Meanwhile (at least in the case of Aspies) they roll on the floor in hysterical laughter over simple word-play because of it's emotional meaning (in their own bizarre internal sense of humor).
Unlike Donna, I understood intensely the meaning of words like "know" and "feel", but did not interact with the physical world. Even when I became a drummer, I would sometimes leave my body while playing. I do my best writing while Motorcycle Adventure Riding, because the (intensely) physical interaction with the bike has nothing to do with me, the physically-detached Hyperlexic. Riding motorcycles and playing drums actually help me detach from my body and go into my brain and it's emotional definition words, or even become pure spirit and leave my body entirely.
If I could not hear the meaning, I could always comment on the things around me or create my own topic. If I could not make social chit-chat, I could always talk shop, flick through books, act busy, and appear super-conscientious. I could focus on picking out key words and play word-association. If I did not understand someone's behavior or feelings, I could hide my anxiety at being confused and lost, express nothing, and appear calm and unaffected. If I read a story and had no idea what it was about, I could assume an air of authority and secrecy and meet every question with another question, deflecting everything.
This is called "Acting Normal". When I recently told someone about my case, they said I did not seem very Autistic. I said this is why Autism is considered a disease of little kids, they do not yet know how to deal with it. Eventually those kids grow up and learn how to act Normal, but they are still Autistic.
A woman from the class sat quietly watching me chase an airborne dandelion seed. "Donna, you are different, aren't you?" she asked with an air of secrecy, her head cocked to 1 side. "Put it this way", I replied, "I am a culture looking for a place to happen."
This reminds me very much thet Autistics are Faerie Changelings - a different species looking for a place to just exist. This is why Aspies become Bronies.
Donna talks about assorted social situations, such as being amid a group who loudly announce thet they are going out for lunch. Was she supposed to assume they were overtly rejecting her? or was she supposed to assume she had just been invited? She has no clue.
She also talks about being forced to play sports in school, something she was never able to figure out the rules to.
This reminds me of me a lot. In public school it is assumed thet all boys know all the rules to all ball-games. I never had a clue, and was not able to figure it out, because no one ever explained it to me in words (I do not think in pictures). It was supposed to be 1 of those things everyone just picks up as part of the culture (I was never part of). My Visual Processing Disorder could not track the ball, there were too many people moving around at the same time, I was not able to figure out where the ball was supposed to come from or go to, and the sole purpose of the "teacher" (snicker) was to shout at whoever was doing it wrong. I could not figure out who (forget what) he was even yelling at, even when it was usually me. I never learned anything whatsoever. To this day I have no clue how a baseball game "works" - not thet I give a shit.
The agenda was to humiliate the one who was bad at it, not to teach them how to play the game! I was never able to understand the point of playing it in the first place. "Teams competing", is just an absurd premise to me. Why do they care?
It is as absurd as Patriotism; by freak accident I was born on this side of some random border drawn on a piece of paper thet has nothing to do with the landscape, so I am somehow supposed to be personally offended if the person who was born on the other side of the border by freak accident does not like the government I have nothing to do with? Duuuh. You do not find brains in a jock-strap, and you do not find them under a flag either - morons.
I approached Dr Marek armed with a list of concepts I wanted "the world" definitions to. One of these was "friend". As a child my definition was "someone who would let me copy them to the point of becoming that person." Without focusing directly on them, I would melt into being that person. "Friends" were vehicles of escape.
In my teens, "friend" came to mean "people who would put up with me and would smile peacefully." They could do the most atrocious things as long as they smiled at me.
Later I came to understand thet "friends" were people who touched and used you.
I have never had a real friend. I thought my pen-pals were my friends, for I was certainly theirs, only to find thet the only reason they were so intimate with me is because I was "at a safe distance". I feel sorry for them.
"You are one of the family", said Mrs Miller at the dinner table. Shock waves hit me like a punch in the stomach. I got up from the table and walked to the window. The word "family" was a verbal guarantee of ongoing contact which for me was a social and emotional prison.
I came to see how my version of "wanting my own space and owning myself" was their version of "lonely and in need of company" or "lacks confidence, ego-trippers welcome". In "being friendly" I had sometimes been curious about people's height, age, and the color of their eyes or hair. I had occasionally asked to touch a piece of their clothing (if it was velvet or angora). Their translation was probably "must be on drugs", "hippie with brain-damage", or "open to being slept with." I came to realize thet when it came to sending out messages I may as well have been doing it in Swahili with the lack of shared definitions between myself and others.
All women are mentally ill perverts who are incapable of getting their brains out of my pants; i.e., all women believe all men want to fuck them, to which they either wince like the abused victims they all so desperately want to be because I am "raping them with my eyes", or they sneer with a snotty antagonism saying "You wish!" Deer in headlights me was oblivious to their existence until they flipped out with one or the other of these flagrant displays of mental illness. They are all barking mad as far as I am concerned; X Chromosome is a mental illness.
My mirror image was the only person with whom I had intimate touch out of want and not compliance. She smiled back, the smiling example that optimism can survive imprisonment.
Being very non-visual, I have no pictures of myself, nor much use for mirrors. When I go Motorcycle Adventure Riding, sometimes a whole month will pass before I see my own face in a mirror again. I am always surprised by what I look like, for I cannot remember what I see, even my own face.
The second round of teaching arrived. It was to be in German, teaching all levels of the school. The children did not speak fluent German, and it was my job to maintain my own German at all times. Where the children could not understand, I was to augment my speech with gesture, image, and materials. Speaking through objects was my forte.
I wrote most of my lessons into music and arrived armed with a guitar and a voice. The topics were learned through actions and music, and expressed and expanded upon through art, crafts, and science experiments.
Autistic kids must be taught by incorporating all the senses into each subject, thus allowing as many different reference-points as possible. Donna being Autistic, she used this technique to teach the Normal kids.
I was meaning-deaf, so I drew upon the children constantly to comment upon and add to what each other had said. It hid the fact there was no real dialog between them and me, and they seemed to take well to the offer of managed independence. I took well to my outsider's role of facilitator rather than teacher.
Inside I knew thet to touch me was to negate and destroy all possibility of closeness. The world's touch was death, but it also gave me a perverse sense of security in knowing I could then no longer be affected. You can only be killed-off once, and after that you are blissfully dead.
I very strongly identify with this. Being dissociative and overwhelmed by my senses, to the extent thet my senses turn off if I am overstimulated, I have known all my life thet I cannot be physically hurt by anyone. Not thet they could not break my bones and draw blood, but thet my brain could not process that much information and I would thus go numb all over. This gives me the "blissfully dead" reference-point when it comes to violence directed toward me. I thus have absolutely no fear of physical injury. When idiots try to provoke me into a fight, I have absolutely no buttons for them to push. They invest such a tremendous amount of energy trying to find my non-existent buttons (as I smirk in arrogance); eventually they become exhausted and go try to pick a fight with someone else.
I also feel this way about sex. All women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes; they get off on pain, and that is why I have no interest in having sex with them. From my experience, sex with women is repulsive.
I used to be sexually frustrated to the point of outright rage, not because I was not getting any, but because when I did it was always horrible. Now I have the "blissfully dead" attitude thet all women are bearers of sadism or frostbite - nothing else. Today I feel thet women are simply not good for anything.
That does not mean I do not like to look at them, and I do occasionally fantasize of having a wife and child, or at least a girlfriend. But these fantasy people are vehicles with which to study myself as an Anthropologist. See my lecture on The Grieving Process as an example of how I use fantasy relationships to analyze myself with.
"Give me Five" said Miller, shoving his big hand out in front of me. I had obviously gotten over my aversion to touch, as far as he could see. "No", I said firmly, feeling imposed upon and invaded. He was expecting me to mirror it and prove my "normalcy". I did not need to gain acceptance.
I often reject people's high-five gestures of fake camaraderie. I also do not initiate shaking hands.
I was a Security Guard at a wine festival (full of alcoholic idiots who go there to drink for free rather than actually buy bottles of wine). There was a huge row of porta-potties with people waiting their turn, but they were not in a specific line, they were just sort of hanging around for whichever 1 came free next. They were all drunk, so they had not noticed thet they were waiting for 1, while 6 others were already vacant. So I just went right up to 1. Some drunken woman yelled at me not to cut in line in front of her, so I demonstrated thet several were already vacant and there was thus no need to even have a line. She dismissed this fact and continued to yell antagonistically because she was a drunken asshole. I ignored her and relieved my bladder.
When I came out she continued to fume about how she was being victimized. I continued to ignored her.
Her female friend told me thet she was actually a very nice person, just too drunk right now, so I should forgive her, after all "We have all been there", meaning all of us have had too much to drink and made asses of ourselves. This I also dismissed, for I have never done any such thing.
She continued to assume I was angry for having to deal with a stupid bitch, when the facts were I did not give a damn. I told her twice (very dismissively) thet I did not care.
She then resorted to Plan B of asking me to high-five her. I ignored her attempt to create this fake camaraderie over her belief thet we should all "be social" by dummying ourselves down to that level. She just kept asking me to high-five her, as a way of saying "Oh come on - Play the game with me". I walked away, immediately forgetting the whole scenario. Morons.
I hate drunks, I hate people, and I especially hate drunken people. Thank God I got to go back out to my post, which was parking cars alone.
As Donna said, Feeling imposed upon and invaded. He was expecting me to mirror it and prove my "normalcy". I did not need to gain acceptance.
I was good at things, but that did not mean I felt for them.
I too feel nothing about doing something I am good at. I always want to act from my desire to learn something new. If I am not expanding my horizons, then it is not worth doing; i.e., I never feel proud of being good at something, I only feel proud of getting better at something.
This leads me to be a person who is utterly indifferent to flattery. Flattery will get you nothing, for I already know if I am good at something or not, thus I do not need your approval or support. In fact I usually find it irritating when people try to flatter me. Sometimes this manifests as a condescension on my part - if someone tries to flatter me, I just think, "Why do you think I need approval from the likes of you? Fuck off." Or when I play music live, and the audience applauds, instead of me saying "Thank you", I want to say, "You are welcome." It is about me giving to them, not them giving to me. There is no relationship there. This can be summed up with the cliche of: If I played in a forest and there was no one there to hear me, would I still kick ass? Of course, for when I play I become pure notes, relatively oblivious to the presence of the people. I could just as easily say, If I played in a forest and there was no one there to hear me, would I still suck? That too would be a Yes, because it is up to me to decide if I played good or not. The audience's response to either is irrelevant.
Ironically, I could personally get more out of sweeping the floor than I could from something the world would applaud.
The sense of accomplishment, either physical or intellectual, is all I care about.
Donna acquires her teaching certificate. She receives "excellent" marks for her teaching style, coming at each personal interaction as an anthropologist rather than a lecturer; i.e., she was unable to empathize with the students' personal thoughts and feelings, thus she would take the time to ask each one to explain, which the students appreciated.
But due to extreme prejudice from the utterly ignorant, the college administration cancelled her certificate. She asked her teacher why she had been "failed". The teacher said, "Look, this is a teaching qualification. It is not just a piece of paper that gives someone the right to go out there and be in a position of responsibility and teach. We do not want anyone killing anybody"; the point being thet all Autistics are obviously psychos. Donna was floored.
Eventually the college allowed her to be a teacher, but only in the English language, when she was superb at teaching in German. This was used as a loophole with which they could disregard their own un-reasonability in their assessment of her "character" they knew nothing about; i.e., like all people who believe in Democracy, they desperately needed to discriminate against her in some way (any way), so they just made shit up.
Donna surprises herself with her own psychic ability; while in Australia she paints a imaginary scene overlooking a large city with a park. 4 months later she goes to New York for the first time, and from her own hotel window looks out at the exact scene she had painted earlier, complete with cranes doing new construction thet was not even in process 4 months before.
There was something familiar about Jim. So purely clinical and logical, he was a walking dictionary who could climb inside his own mind and describe it with the detachment of a structural surveyor. We both used the same system.
She talks about having a funeral for her past. This was the 1 thing I had the most difficulty with all my life - my inability to bury my dead, flogging dead horses in my Obsessive Personality Disordered inability to let go, screaming in rage with my hand in a monkey trap I had built myself.
After 5 years on the GF/CF Diet, I am no longer like that; i.e., obsessiveness is an intestinal disorder. And I never did have that funeral for my past, instead I committed a big symbolic suicide, divorced my abusive lunatic family, and moved 3 states away.
Clear into her second book, Donna has not yet discovered the GF/CF Diet. But this book was published in 1994, so maybe we did not know any better back then, but it still seems ridiculous to me thet she has not figured out thet Autism is (at least partly) intestinal.
We talked about sexuality and the lack of it. "The worst part is feeling that you are missing all of these feelings you are supposed to be having and having to pretend you have them" said Ian.
I talked to Ian about my own sexuality. I talked about how, in the absence of physical attraction and sexuality, I had learned to feign and perform them, and how, in the absence of any connected inner body sense, I had learned to function regardless. We both talked about how it felt; we were a pair of comrades discussing a decade of self-rape, a pair of prostitutes talking trade.
My problem was thet I had a romantic notion about sex. I wanted to fall in love with my best friend and have that be a good idea. Then become lovers because we loved each other and have that be a good idea. Of course, women are not capable of even grasping such concepts.
It was originally desperate loneliness, simply wanting someone to talk to (in Pragmatic Language Disorder which scares the crap out of morons). Then it became a craving for physical affection (with my touch-averse hypersensitivity dictating thet it had to be very specific touch no one was capable of providing). Then it became desperation to become addicted to the feeling of being in love (as over-compensation for loneliness, which is probably the most pathetic of all). Then it became sexual frustration to the point of rage (me being so emotionally intense, all girls were afraid of me, while at my sexual peak masturbating 4 times a day in absolute rage). Then it became hatred and contempt (again as overcompensation).
Now I am at relative peace in my attitude of Go fuck yourself, I am not going to. Today I literally do not give a fuck. Women are not good for anything. I do not want one.
Back when I used to wear tidy-whities, some woman told me I should get colored underwear. I asked, Why? No one is going to see it anyway - me honestly bewildered why she would say such a thing. She got this look on her face, as if to say, "What is wrong with you. Why aren't you an exhibitionist like all other pussy-whipped idiot men?" Another time I attempted to be physically intimate (not necessarily sexual) with some chick, she said, "Do not talk to me - you are ruining it." Excuse me bitch, you blithering illiterate, but I am a Hyperlexic Aspie, I communicate in 90% words, thus you must talk during sex - or in this case merely making out (which abruptly stopped at that moment anyway because acquiring typical female frostbite was not on my agenda).
7 times I have fallen in love with my "best friend" (because I was desperate and she was there), but none of them were ever my girlfriend. "Sexuality" (snicker) always took place with someone I did not even care about, because those were the only people who had not known me long enough to know I would impulsively spill my guts to them in Pragmatic Language Disorder - this level of honesty absolutely terrifying to women.
I always resented it with such bitterness, this fact thet my best friend I am in love with will not let me touch her, while total strangers are willing to fuck me like self-disgusted sluts. I know positively thet the only sex I would ever be able to have would be with a prostitute, because I could pay her to pretend to be what I want (slow, gentle, and talking). Unfortunately I would so bitterly resent having to pay for it thet I have not attempted to have a prostitute either. Thus, at the age of 29 I gave up on sex entirely.
Then I tried to be friends with Ursela - a sociopath. Then I tried to be friends with Genie - she was psychotic. So I gave up on interacting with any female face-to-face, and instead developed pen-pals, all of whom were intimidated by my intellect. So I gave up on women completely.
Now I just write reviews and post them on my web-site, refusing to advertise the site at all, thus only people smart enough to seek out this information on their own will read it.
"I thought there was something wrong with me", said Ian. "I thought maybe I was gay. I thought I was frigid. Even when I could go through the motions, there was no want. There was no attraction."
"Asexuality has nothing to do with frigidity or being celibate or being gay", I said. "I have no interest. I am not holding myself back from anything. I think it is more normal to admit a lack of feelings and interest than to pretend to have them. Ian looked sad. "What is wrong?", I asked. "I think of all the things that would have been different if I had understood all this before", Ian said. "Nobody talks about things like this", I said. "People know about homosexuality or fear of sexuality or a choice not to have sex, but they cannot imagine an absence of it. They cannot imagine it as a normal state anyway, and nobody is talking about it because the lack of it is meant to mean there is something even more abnormal." "I wonder how many other people are out there who do not know", said Ian.
It seemed crazy that people assumed that because you have an adult body that your stage of mental, emotional, social, or sexual development is necessarily in sync with it. People know about mental retardation or emotional immaturity and the undeveloped or under-developed sexuality this often entails. The way an adult feels going through the motions of sex without a developed sense of sexuality is the same as in the case of a child. He feels molested, abused, and confused.
Ian and I talked about the status-badges of so-called normality, the performance of being just like everyone else. We also talked about the ever-present fear of them finding out you are not.
I did not know why I had no sense of sexuality. It could have resulted from abuse, misuse, or my Autism. All probably played a part. The causes were not important. The choices left in society for rewarding expression of intimacy with other people were the issue. There were so few who were like this, and even fewer who were able to admit it.
Ian and I both experienced sensuality, but it was sexuality that was always thought to be the ultimate end result of closeness. Those who did not see it this way too often ended up at the mercy of save-the-world martyrs and their let-me-teach-you performance programs. Ian and I had both met our share of these. Guilty that we could not "grow up" despite their best efforts to teach us, we had both done the same thing - denied the "problem", smiled, and polished the performance. See my Autism Lecture #7 on Surrogates.
"Do you know anyone else like this?", asked Ian. I told him about two other Autistic people I knew of. "There is one who writes to me about his 'Bedroom Academy Awards'", I said. "There is another who laughed to me about being out of his body and watching it going through the motions. He took this to be so normal that he never even thought of the extreme anxiety he must have been under to cause him to detach to such extent. He does not know any different."
The lives of these people were filled with the day-to-day lie that this form of passive self-rape was called an expression of "love" and that the act itself was meant to be proof that one was worth something. They lived with the fact there appeared to be no alternatives, or at least no one was speaking about them.
I wondered if Ian would be better off not knowing. Perhaps he would know no better. Perhaps he would like the structure of knowing his role and performance in the world relationship. "I cannot deny my experiences", he said. "I cannot deny how it makes me feel inside, feeling afraid they will find out, feeling ashamed at not being normal." He looked at me helplessly and then asked, "But what are the alternatives?" "You could be in a platonic relationship with someone who was more special than a friend", I said.
There was absolutely no suggestion thet that person could be me. Intimacy had had no place in my life. It had had no place in my world where closeness to people and touch were against the law. It held no allure to me in the world where it was haunted by too many sickening echoes of its limitless distortions.
I thought of the chances of Ian finding a person of the world who would understand him as himself, someone who would accept a platonic asexual relationship as a first choice. I knew how he would feel spending his life being understood only from the outside, forever alien, the only albatross for miles.
I never thought there was anything wrong with me. I just felt a frantic desperation to connect but did not know how, for all the Normals were completely crazy. Their every thought, feeling, and action was a manifestation of apparent Schizophrenia. They were all so angry, which inevitably came out in their sexuality, eventually driving me to the conclusion thet all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes. I was utterly repulsed, though desperate in my desire to actually have a sexual relationship. This frustration - sexual to the point of rage, and emotional to the point of despair, over-compensated for with impulsively falling in love with whomever happened to be on hand - drove me to be clinically depressed all through my quote-unquote "sexual prime".
I went through my gender-confusion stage, identifying so much with female forms of communication, girl-talk, which amounted to the equivalent of Pragmatic Language Disorder, at least from men's perspective; guys my age becoming furious with me and yelling, "You are such a girl!" because of my ultra-vulnerable emotionally-honest communication style.
For decades, in my every dream my body would change sexes constantly, gay men hit on me all the time, and women were utterly disinterested, at least sexually. I never did acquire an actual girlfriend. Eventually my rage and hatred made me just give up on sex. I realized thet my brain was my greatest sexual organ, and thus the only reason I wanted sex was because I thought about it. Once I stopped thinking about it I stopped wanting it physically, or at least stopped feeling frantic desperation sexual frustration.
The emotional loneliness was even worse. I used to have anxiety-attacks in my sleep, waking up shaking from the loneliness. I would take absolutely scalding showers in my attempt to satisfy my skin-hunger. Meanwhile I could not actually stand to be touched by anyone. I so easily get over-stimulated and all my senses shut down. When I was about 10 years old some girl kissed me. I practically went unconscious in my out-of-body panic.
Pornography is repulsive - nothing but shit Beavis and Butthead would circle-jerk to. Duuuh. I like to watch women having intercourse, but the asinine immaturity of the movies is just painfully embarrassing. Anyone who would actually feel sexually aroused by porn is emotionally infantile and brain-dead. I have never got an erection while watching porn.
The "favorites list" in my computer includes 468 web sites. None of them have anything to do with sex.
Donna's remark about mental, emotional, and social maturity affecting sexual maturity is not something thet ever applied to me. I was born an adult, profoundly more mature than anyone else my age, at every age. Add to that my superhuman senses and typical Aspie sense of Ethics, and I am "left out of the loop" (circle-jerk) of sexuality the average (brain-dead) person experiences.
I was surprised by Donna's remark about being afraid the Normals would find out she did not have a "normal" sex-life. I have the blessing of Pragmatic Language Disorder - I can spill my guts to startled strangers, saying point-blank: "Women are not good for anything; I do not want one", and "Go fuck yourself - I am not going to." I sometimes want to say in antagonism to the Normals, "That is the advantage to being Autistic - I get to say what I feel and you do not!" There is nothing about me I have not already written out in detail and published for the world to see (read my 77 zines).
1 of the many reasons I gave up on sex is thet 90% of the time it was some pervert trying to "perform sex on me". I found that so repulsive. What Donna referred to as "the let-me-teach-you performance programs" make me want to throw up, or hit them. Unfortunately most women would like to literally roll around naked in vomit (as sex-play), and they get off on being slapped around (as sex-play). I hate them. Why do they have to ruin it every time?
Now I occasionally fantasize of having a Faerie for a girlfriend, for human females are just disgusting. (Why do some Bronies clop to pony porn? Because most Bronies have Aspergers Syndrome and thus, like me, long ago came to the conclusion thet human females are useless ... you cannot even beat off to them!).
Guilty that we could not "grow up" despite their best efforts to teach us, we had both done the same thing - denied the "problem", smiled, and polished the performance.
I was never like that. I was a very self-assured Aries who would throw up my hands in arrogance and walk (on water) away from quote-unquote "sex". Not recognizing I was a hyper-sensitive Autistic, and thet it is natural for the Normals to get off on pain, I always blamed them for being perverts, rather than me trying to "play the game" or perform sex.
As for sensuality, like I said above, I learned to take scalding showers to give my skin something to feel in place of the missing touch. Then I discovered vinegar baths, which leech the pesticides out of your system. I went on to become delighted with hot springs (I lived in Oregon at the time, which has 32 hot springs); the mineral bath very good for me, and the heat raising my temperature by a few degrees to kill any bugs - I, for the first time in my life, slept soundly after a 3-hour soak in a hot-spring. I became sexually attracted to waterfalls surrounded by icicles. Picking icicles off of lava rock and eating them was very sensual to me. This was the extent of my sensuality for years. I also liked the contrast of hot springs in frigid air. I loved riding my motorcycle in cold wet weather.
The lives of these people were filled with the day-to-day lie that this form of passive self-rape was called an expression of "love", and that the act itself was meant to be proof that one was worth something.
"I cannot deny how it makes me feel inside, feeling afraid they will find out, feeling ashamed at not being normal". This Ian character is an Autistic who clearly does not have Pragmatic Language Disorder. It gives me no embarrassment what-so-ever to openly tell the world thet at the age of 51 I fantasize of having a Faerie girlfriend. And I am proud of being an Autistic who is not able to give a shit what you think of me. Die - I will not notice. While the rest of you are beating off to grotesque porn and riding a Harley you cannot afford in your terrified-anxiety attempt to prove to your pathetic equals thet you are not gay (when you clearly are), I am the only person who has nothing to prove and nothing to hide.
The advantage of being Autistic is thet I get to say what I feel and you do not. Accept your place.
Intimacy; it held no allure to me in the world where it was haunted by too many sickening echoes of its limitless distortions. You said it, Donna.
See my review of the documentary (A) Sexual. Also see my Autism Lecture on Autistic Sex and my review of the Alphas TV show,and as I mentioned above, my lecture on Surrogates.
We stopped and sat in the sunshine. Ian was exploring the concept of relationships. He would have to find this with himself first, I thought. Until he did, he would be incapable of self-love, let alone being able to freely be with anyone out of want and not just out of insecurity. "If you had a choice of being alone and living according to your own reality, or living against it with someone else, what would you choose?" I asked. "I would choose to stay alone" he answered. That was what I needed to know.
As they say, Living with an Aspie is like living alone. I have no desire to have an actual girlfriend because they are controlling and manipulative; out of their insecurity they try to change the guy rather than accept who he is. All women want a pussy-whipped, jealous, child who is easy to manipulate for a boyfriend. And most men are those manifestations of insecurity, as proven by them overcompensating with their macho/jock, porn-loving, Harley-riding, faggot BS. And these days they wear their pants with the waist under their butt-cheeks and a dork baseball cap on backward to demonstrate what "real men"/rebels they are, when the facts are all that clothing style demonstrates is what infants they are, still needing their mommies to dress them.
I was sitting in my car at a traffic signal waiting for the light to change. I happened to look over at the car next to me, to my left. It had the window down about 1/3 of the way. The side-windows were tinted black, thus all I could see above the top edge of the window was the hair of the person in the passenger's seat. Then I saw thet the driver had the window down about 1 inch, just enough to flick their cigarette ash out. Then I saw they had a little canvas bag hanging from the rear-view mirror. On it was painted an apparent marijuana leaf. Then I saw thet it was actually a palm tree. I wondered if it had sand from some beach in it. Then the back-seat window rolled down and a Mexican guy with prison tattoos on his face asked me with an exaggerated belligerence if I was getting-off at looking at his lady. I burst out laughing and said, "What a runt of a man!", and drove away.
I guessed thet the hair was that of a female, but I could not tell for sure (not thet I gave a damn) because the windows were tinted so dark. And I noticed thet the fingers flicking out the cigarette ash were female. But I never saw either of the persons those body parts were connected to for the windows were rolled up too far and I was at an angle from which I could not actually see directly across the car's interior.
This pathetic excuse of a man is what women want. His little peanut sized testicles fell off at the mere thought thet someone was "looking at his lady", which of course was not even possible for me to do in this scenario. He only had a "girlfriend" as overcompensation for his raging insecurity about his un-admitted homosexuality, manifested as his compulsive desire to be belligerent and hostile toward other men, to show off to himself what a 'real man" he was. In this case I was not even aware of her existence - all I saw was hair of one and fingers of another.
Typically Autistic, I was obsessing with my pattern-recognition, in this case the printed palm tree on the canvas bag!
This manipulative co-addict cunt and this pathetically insecure runt of a man were a typical representation of what the Normals call a "relationship". You are all so utterly beneath me.
Ian picked up a crystal with birds on it and approached the shop assistant. "What are you doing?", I asked. "I am buying it", said Ian. "Who for?", I asked. "You", he said. I did not want it. "Crystals are for discovering more than owning", I said (even though I had a few). Gifts thet come from one who has no self are devoid of the person giving them. There was too much "I want to please you" in the air. There was too much "Let me escape me by focusing on you." I could accept nothing in this atmosphere. "Put it back", I said. "I do not want it."
I have always been irritated by gifts. I never knew why anyone would want to receive one or give one. My mother was always trying to give me useless crap I did not want, thinking I was somehow supposed to feel grateful or honored or loved or whatever. It always just made me angry, because the gifts were always something I could never imagine wanting, thus proving she had no clue who I was.
I wanted to punch her in the head. I always wanted to yell at her (and sometimes outright scream), "How much did that cost! Why didn't you give me the money instead, so I can buy what I actually need, like paying my car insurance!"
I am exceptionally pragmatic and practical. Cash is the only reasonable gift to give someone, with no stipulation about what it is to be spent on. Give me money so I can buy what I actually need. That would be a thoughtful and considerate, and thus appreciated, gift.
Of course the Normals all believe I am supposed to feel "loved" by them handing off to me some useless crap I cannot use. It becomes a burden, a weight of emotional baggage I must drag around with me, when I have no clue what specific emotion they wanted to induce in me with this ritualized object-passing.
I hate gifts. I detest birthdays and Christmas. It is just such pointless stupidity, buying something thet is not needed, with money you do not have, for someone you do not care about, because it is "what families do." I have no clue why.
My first love thought "love" was to be constantly showered with expensive gifts. I had no clue why she would think such a thing. What did it do for her emotionally to be bought over and over? I have no idea. My second love thought "love" was expressed through insane levels of jealousy; she would continually try to provoke me into a jealous rage by speaking to other guys, which I felt nothing about. Why the hell should I care? I never understood why she would think me being so insecure thet I would go into an actual rage if she even spoke to some other guy was somehow equated with an expression of love on my part. She was the same stupid cunt as the cigarette-ash flicker - getting off on being so superior to the dickless runt she chose for a pussy-whipped wimp of a boyfriend. You Normals are all barking mad.
Donna ends the book by expressing her self-assuredness through what talents she has, rather than feeling insecure about her deficiencies, stating thet though Autism is part of her, she is not Autism. It is something she will control, rather than letting it control her. She then acquires Irlen lenses to alleviate her Visual Processing Disorder.
End of book.
From Donna's web-site I got the following:
Donna Williams' Accomplishments:
• 1991. Became the first person diagnosed with Autism to become an international bestselling author, and the second person diagnosed with Autism to have a published autobiography (Nobody Nowhere) in the English language (the first was Temple Grandin).
• 1992. Became one of the first people diagnosed with Autism to become a qualified teacher, going on to use this in international work as an Autism teacher and trainer.
• 1994. Became the first author diagnosed with Autism to have 2 international bestselling autobiographies (Nobody Nowhere, and Somebody Somewhere), and the first Autistic to have their work published in multiple languages.
• 1991 - 2005. Became the most widely published author diagnosed with Autism in the world (with 9 published books in the field of Autism).
• 1992. Started the world's first international Autistic-run pen-pal list and newsletter - ANI (Autism Network International), together with Jim Sinclair and Kathy Lissner-Grant.
• 1994. Became one of the first paid international public speakers diagnosed with Autism.
• 1992 - 1995. Featured as Person of The Week on ABC News, and appeared in 3 television documentaries. One of those documentaries, Jam Jar, got nominated for the Mental Health Award.
• 1992 - 1996. Volunteered as an Autism consultant throughout the UK.
• 1996. Started the Alternative Approaches to Autism Consultancy, and became one of the world's first professional Autism consultants also diagnosed with Autism.
• 1999. Completed the first of three music albums, two songs from which went into an international TV series.
• 2002. Was an elected layperson's panel-member of the UK Medical Research Council's review into the causes of Autism.
• 2005. Started Auties.org, the first direct to public global self-employment networking portal for those with Autism, and started Autism-friendly dinner-clubs in Melbourne and regular social activities for its members.
• 2005. Wrote the screenplay to the book Nobody Nowhere, about to become a cinema released film.
• 2006. Started http://blog.donnawilliams.net which regularly featured Autism articles and interviews, including promoting the works of teens and adults on the Autism Spectrum.
• 2007. Had first international exhibition of artworks by an Autistic and became a selling artist.
• 2008. Formed the band, Donna and the Aspinauts, as one of the world's first professional bands featuring predominantly members on the Autism Spectrum. In 2009 they became one of the world's first fully paid professional bands featuring members diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, produced their first album, performed Rock Musicals (written, directed, and performed by Donna, and backed by The Aspinauts) in theaters in Melbourne and Victoria.
• 2010. Started Aspinauts For Kids which created children's choirs and music mentoring for children on the Autism Spectrum.
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Breaking free from the world of Autism
by Donna Williams
Part 2 of her biography, Donna's horror-story childhood continues:
A pillow was pushed down upon my face day after day. You never knew when it would strike. You had to pull your jaw and bottom lip in in anticipation of the pressure on your mouth. Calm down, have no need to breathe. The feeling of fabric forced into your mouth would trigger the response to vomit. But vomit was not allowed, nor was fear. Home was the place where Spastics and Retards deserved to die. Me? I would play "Normal", even if I did not feel it.
The smell of smoke and alcohol, the screaming and swearing and smashing of things and people were the general sounds of domesticity. The rhythmic moving of bodies before eyes too young to understand was part of education lying in wait. This was a "motivating" environment.
Steam rose from the tub of boiling water. The sound of fear in your own ears, a silent screaming. No words. No "No." Who knew what words were for. Fear fought for domination. Learning to "disappear" had it's advantages.
I too learned this "disappear" trick. I developed the ability to turn off my psychic energy and thus appear utterly insignificant, and nearly invisible to whomever was trying to hurt me. This evolved into Dissociative Personality Disorder, and eventually a Multiple Personality. Understanding thet I did not have to be present for anything thet displeased my superior being, I eventually developed an outright God Complex (around the age of 36) produced in part by my absolute certainty thet I could not be physically hurt by anyone. I have known all my life thet I would die by my own hand, because it is impossible for any person to kill me. I know this deep in my soul. I have absolutely no fear of anyone, thus no buttons to be pushed by abusers. No buttons, period; i.e., even if some woman is trying to seduce me - I have no buttons.
These are the worst possible parents for an Autistic child who already has difficulty finding his location in his own body. But I think it did help me tap into and cultivate my psychic gifts: my ability to read minds, communicate telepathically, and to leave my body, etc.
Cigarettes seared flesh, and the belt buckle hit something again and again. "Cry and I will fucking kill you!" The reminder thet the cost of crying would be death made fear irrelevant. Fear was my worst enemy.
My Gemini father used to roar, "What are you smiling at!" to keep his children utterly blank emotionally, because (as with all Geminis) he was terrified of his own emotions. Also being a Paranoid Schizophrenic, he would project his own (vicious) feelings he was afraid of onto everyone around him, seeing violence in every harmless little thing - even if little kids were just smiling.
I developed the attitude thet all Normals are like this to some extent. I am so profoundly more emotionally mature than anyone else.
This is also seen in the typical Aspie problem of interacting with the Normals, wherein they are intimidated by our emotional intensity. Then they say Aspies have difficulty making friends. No. It is the Normals who are afraid of intimacy and honest emotions. The reason they communicate with eye-signals while blithering pointless small-talk is because they are terrified of expressing honest emotion. Aspies are so superior.
By the age of 25, Donna says, I had to pick up the pieces of my war. Those pieces were scattered everywhere at the feet of so-called friends, in the faces of so-called family, and in the bedrooms of so-called lovers. I had a "The World" dictionary of control disguised as caring, lust disguised as love, uselessness disguised as charitable martyrdom, and cheap entertainment disguised as acceptance. I could not go forward with the old definitions. But to build the new ones, my definitions, I would have to face the old ones and tell it like it was. I had to shatter the myths thet had me tied in knots upon knots, my selfhood, immobile within a mental, emotional, physical, and social straightjacket.
Vegetables grow in gardens not classrooms. It seemed inexcusable to get paid to watch vegetables grow when attempts could be made to help them realize a little more humanity. Years pass too quickly, and those assumed to be vegetables sometimes fulfill the low expectations they are being held to and do not grow up to live as human beings.
I entered the classroom of special-needs adults. Robbie seemed to me a shining example of someone who had won in terms of a battle to keep the world out and convince everyone there was nobody home. He was 22, 6 feet tall, and clad in diapers.
Robbie was being toileted. This constituted most of his "education" 5 days a week. And my job was to take him to the toilet at regular intervals. It was hoped thet after 22 years, Robbie would realize the system and do it himself. It was just as likely thet he had already developed another system they had taught him; that of living up to unbelievably low expectations. A master at the art of non-being.
I could drive past a row of trees and focus sharply upon one leaf of each tree, down to the detail of the contrast in the width of each vein. That was the way it was when I was on automatic-pilot. Like a handful of other Autistic people, I could drive, paint, compose, and speak several foreign languages, all without thought or effort, but while I did I would be tuned-out and everything that happened or was taken in in the course of these actions which came in without being filtered. But the consequence of my "success" and "high functioning" were shutdown, overload, dissociation, and even losing time.
There are 2 ways to be nobody nowhere. One is to be frozen and unable to do anything spontaneously for yourself. The other is to be able to do anything based on stored mirrored repertories without any personal self-awareness, yet being otherwise virtually unable to do anything complex with awareness. And then there are different combinations of both.
This is what I have referred to for most of my life as "Communist Theory", wherein all things are equal comrades with no class distinction - the Autistic inability to determine the relative difference in value between things, resulting in being overwhelmed by the information overload I am unable to sort by priority. My Irlen lenses have greatly helped me filter out this visual excess.
As a Security Guard, I occasionally have this post wherein I drive around all the storage facilities visually checking each door-latch (thousands) to see if they have been broken into. About half way through my route I have a meltdown and go into a roaring rage, for I am not able to process that much visual information. After the tantrum, I finish the other half of the route in relative calm, but only if I talk to myself constantly - Hyperlexia being my most efficient Stim.
Since getting these glasses, I no longer become that overwhelmed by visual overload; I am now able to do that entire route without having a rage-attack. By the end of it, my visual processing ability is still exhausted, but not to the extent thet I have a melt-down.
Now when I burn out my visual processing ability, I fall asleep; I mean a sudden konking-out. My brain becomes exhausted by the visual over-load, and simply turns off.
Although I could memorize and mimic entire conversations with the accents of the people in them, I had not responded to being spoken to. My parents experimented with loud noises next to my ear without getting so much as a blink in response. They thought I was deaf. I was not. Unconvinced, in spite of my huge vocabulary, my parents took me for tests again when I was 9. People had no concept of being "meaning deaf". In terms of the effect on one's life, it largely amounts to being deaf. One is robbed, not of sound, but of the meaning of sound.
In my case it was simply my inability to hear specific sound frequencies, resulting in me learning the emotional meaning of the notes spoken without understanding the words.
Facial expressions had everything to do with learning to perform and nothing to do with feelings. My hands pulled my hair and hit my face, unable to accept thet I could not just act "normal".
In my case, I never tried to act normal, for I was unable to understand what normal was. All people were average (Democratically dummied down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule) as opposed to normal - each trapped in their paranoid BS (Belief System). I was emotionally detached, dissociative, and eventually multiple personality. I scared the hell out of the pathetic little Normals, them unable to get a response out of me, their fear of the unknown resulting in their typical terrified lynch-mob mentality.
Unlike Donna, I never self-injured, for none of it ever had anything to do with me. The depraved indifference toward all people being my best defense-mechanism, to this day I am honestly not afraid of anything, for nothing exists but my perception of it (in my dissociation). If I choose not to acknowledge your existence, you no longer exist!
I considered all the things I was missing thet other people seemed to have:
1) Connectedness to my body, my feelings, and my past.
2) Attachment, trust, and familiarity.
3) Friendships in which I would feel equal and not aware of my differentness.
4) An ability to stop being combative toward others and withdrawing into myself.
5) Acceptance of the world which offers no guarantees.
6) Being able to predict my own future, knowing I do not have what others have.
My response:
1) Connectedness to my body, my feelings, and my past.
I have always been dissociative and thus able to be honestly oblivious to what was happening to my body, even occasionally leaving my body completely. I have always been exceptionally in touch with my own feelings.
2) Attachment, trust, and familiarity.
7 times I have fallen in love with whatever chick happened to be on hand because I was desperate and she was there, but there was never any true attachment.
Being a gullible social deer in headlights, I was ridiculously trusting, which eventually taught me to maintain my contempt toward all people, 100% malicious manipulators. To this day it amazes me thet the Normals get a sense of superiority out of lying to my face and then deluding themselves thet they are superior to me because I trusted them. Total sociopaths, they take a spiteful pride in being "street smart" enough to recognize thet all their chosen companions are lying sacks of shit.
Familiarity is intellectual word-association to me; i.e., if the words match it feels familiar. I love to spend the majority of my time alone talking to myself - that feels the most familiar to me.
3) Friendships in which I would feel equal and not aware of my differentness.
I think she means thet she felt inferior. To me it was the opposite. My differentness was always profound superiority, me constantly having to lower my standards to avoid disappointment until I became enraged toward them all. 100% of teenagers engage in recreational vandalism - all of them but me. 100% of humanity believe in Democracy - the belief thet everyone should be dummied-down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule; they are actually terrified of the possibility of themselves rising above the masses wherein they would be recognized as "different", thus the Witch to be burned. They try to create camaraderie by wallowing in their mutually low standards. While I have the attitude of "I am the Witch. Go ahead! Try to burn me!" in my arrogant contempt. "Come and get me, Nigger!" I say in my haughty contempt. I despise all people, for they all intentionally try to stay safe by the carefulled holding of themselves down to the standards of the lynch-mob they are terrified of, thus afraid to leave; 100% War Criminals looking for a place to happen (Stanley Milgram's Guinea Pigs).
4) An ability to stop being combative toward others and withdrawing into myself.
I feel indifference toward others, and am (though detached from them) not really in myself; I am always thinking of how I would interact with others, or what it would be like to be others. And this is not a matter of not wanting to be myself (I never wish I was someone else), it is a matter of Anthropology, wherein I am always in a state of (detached) analysis of others. The Lab-rats all people are compared to me.
5) Acceptance of the world which offers no guarantees.
I am not part of the world, thus it's rules do not apply to me. In which case, I could not care less if I accept it.
6) Being able to predict my own future, knowing I do not have what others have.
My predictions of the future are based on my understanding of Bible Prophecy in comparison to Project Camelot information. My place in it is irrelevant in the Grand Scheme of things. My intellectual smugness maintained by the fact I am one of the very few people who actually know what is going on in the Big Picture, as compensation for the fact I cannot figure out what is going on with people one-on-one.
Donna talks about how she was indifferent toward the meaning of words thet represented things you could not touch or feel; i.e., words like "know" or "feel" had no meaning to her, because she only understood words thet represented physical objects her senses could perceive.
For me it was the opposite. I was oblivious to most things I could perceive with my body, and instead became fascinated with inventing new words thet had emotional definitions. Neologisms.
You see this idea in the difficulty Autistic kids sometimes have with toilet-training. If it is a physical thing, like the sensation of needing to go, they are relatively oblivious. Meanwhile (at least in the case of Aspies) they roll on the floor in hysterical laughter over simple word-play because of it's emotional meaning (in their own bizarre internal sense of humor).
Unlike Donna, I understood intensely the meaning of words like "know" and "feel", but did not interact with the physical world. Even when I became a drummer, I would sometimes leave my body while playing. I do my best writing while Motorcycle Adventure Riding, because the (intensely) physical interaction with the bike has nothing to do with me, the physically-detached Hyperlexic. Riding motorcycles and playing drums actually help me detach from my body and go into my brain and it's emotional definition words, or even become pure spirit and leave my body entirely.
If I could not hear the meaning, I could always comment on the things around me or create my own topic. If I could not make social chit-chat, I could always talk shop, flick through books, act busy, and appear super-conscientious. I could focus on picking out key words and play word-association. If I did not understand someone's behavior or feelings, I could hide my anxiety at being confused and lost, express nothing, and appear calm and unaffected. If I read a story and had no idea what it was about, I could assume an air of authority and secrecy and meet every question with another question, deflecting everything.
This is called "Acting Normal". When I recently told someone about my case, they said I did not seem very Autistic. I said this is why Autism is considered a disease of little kids, they do not yet know how to deal with it. Eventually those kids grow up and learn how to act Normal, but they are still Autistic.
A woman from the class sat quietly watching me chase an airborne dandelion seed. "Donna, you are different, aren't you?" she asked with an air of secrecy, her head cocked to 1 side. "Put it this way", I replied, "I am a culture looking for a place to happen."
This reminds me very much thet Autistics are Faerie Changelings - a different species looking for a place to just exist. This is why Aspies become Bronies.
Donna talks about assorted social situations, such as being amid a group who loudly announce thet they are going out for lunch. Was she supposed to assume they were overtly rejecting her? or was she supposed to assume she had just been invited? She has no clue.
She also talks about being forced to play sports in school, something she was never able to figure out the rules to.
This reminds me of me a lot. In public school it is assumed thet all boys know all the rules to all ball-games. I never had a clue, and was not able to figure it out, because no one ever explained it to me in words (I do not think in pictures). It was supposed to be 1 of those things everyone just picks up as part of the culture (I was never part of). My Visual Processing Disorder could not track the ball, there were too many people moving around at the same time, I was not able to figure out where the ball was supposed to come from or go to, and the sole purpose of the "teacher" (snicker) was to shout at whoever was doing it wrong. I could not figure out who (forget what) he was even yelling at, even when it was usually me. I never learned anything whatsoever. To this day I have no clue how a baseball game "works" - not thet I give a shit.
The agenda was to humiliate the one who was bad at it, not to teach them how to play the game! I was never able to understand the point of playing it in the first place. "Teams competing", is just an absurd premise to me. Why do they care?
It is as absurd as Patriotism; by freak accident I was born on this side of some random border drawn on a piece of paper thet has nothing to do with the landscape, so I am somehow supposed to be personally offended if the person who was born on the other side of the border by freak accident does not like the government I have nothing to do with? Duuuh. You do not find brains in a jock-strap, and you do not find them under a flag either - morons.
I approached Dr Marek armed with a list of concepts I wanted "the world" definitions to. One of these was "friend". As a child my definition was "someone who would let me copy them to the point of becoming that person." Without focusing directly on them, I would melt into being that person. "Friends" were vehicles of escape.
In my teens, "friend" came to mean "people who would put up with me and would smile peacefully." They could do the most atrocious things as long as they smiled at me.
Later I came to understand thet "friends" were people who touched and used you.
I have never had a real friend. I thought my pen-pals were my friends, for I was certainly theirs, only to find thet the only reason they were so intimate with me is because I was "at a safe distance". I feel sorry for them.
"You are one of the family", said Mrs Miller at the dinner table. Shock waves hit me like a punch in the stomach. I got up from the table and walked to the window. The word "family" was a verbal guarantee of ongoing contact which for me was a social and emotional prison.
I came to see how my version of "wanting my own space and owning myself" was their version of "lonely and in need of company" or "lacks confidence, ego-trippers welcome". In "being friendly" I had sometimes been curious about people's height, age, and the color of their eyes or hair. I had occasionally asked to touch a piece of their clothing (if it was velvet or angora). Their translation was probably "must be on drugs", "hippie with brain-damage", or "open to being slept with." I came to realize thet when it came to sending out messages I may as well have been doing it in Swahili with the lack of shared definitions between myself and others.
All women are mentally ill perverts who are incapable of getting their brains out of my pants; i.e., all women believe all men want to fuck them, to which they either wince like the abused victims they all so desperately want to be because I am "raping them with my eyes", or they sneer with a snotty antagonism saying "You wish!" Deer in headlights me was oblivious to their existence until they flipped out with one or the other of these flagrant displays of mental illness. They are all barking mad as far as I am concerned; X Chromosome is a mental illness.
My mirror image was the only person with whom I had intimate touch out of want and not compliance. She smiled back, the smiling example that optimism can survive imprisonment.
Being very non-visual, I have no pictures of myself, nor much use for mirrors. When I go Motorcycle Adventure Riding, sometimes a whole month will pass before I see my own face in a mirror again. I am always surprised by what I look like, for I cannot remember what I see, even my own face.
The second round of teaching arrived. It was to be in German, teaching all levels of the school. The children did not speak fluent German, and it was my job to maintain my own German at all times. Where the children could not understand, I was to augment my speech with gesture, image, and materials. Speaking through objects was my forte.
I wrote most of my lessons into music and arrived armed with a guitar and a voice. The topics were learned through actions and music, and expressed and expanded upon through art, crafts, and science experiments.
Autistic kids must be taught by incorporating all the senses into each subject, thus allowing as many different reference-points as possible. Donna being Autistic, she used this technique to teach the Normal kids.
I was meaning-deaf, so I drew upon the children constantly to comment upon and add to what each other had said. It hid the fact there was no real dialog between them and me, and they seemed to take well to the offer of managed independence. I took well to my outsider's role of facilitator rather than teacher.
Inside I knew thet to touch me was to negate and destroy all possibility of closeness. The world's touch was death, but it also gave me a perverse sense of security in knowing I could then no longer be affected. You can only be killed-off once, and after that you are blissfully dead.
I very strongly identify with this. Being dissociative and overwhelmed by my senses, to the extent thet my senses turn off if I am overstimulated, I have known all my life thet I cannot be physically hurt by anyone. Not thet they could not break my bones and draw blood, but thet my brain could not process that much information and I would thus go numb all over. This gives me the "blissfully dead" reference-point when it comes to violence directed toward me. I thus have absolutely no fear of physical injury. When idiots try to provoke me into a fight, I have absolutely no buttons for them to push. They invest such a tremendous amount of energy trying to find my non-existent buttons (as I smirk in arrogance); eventually they become exhausted and go try to pick a fight with someone else.
I also feel this way about sex. All women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes; they get off on pain, and that is why I have no interest in having sex with them. From my experience, sex with women is repulsive.
I used to be sexually frustrated to the point of outright rage, not because I was not getting any, but because when I did it was always horrible. Now I have the "blissfully dead" attitude thet all women are bearers of sadism or frostbite - nothing else. Today I feel thet women are simply not good for anything.
That does not mean I do not like to look at them, and I do occasionally fantasize of having a wife and child, or at least a girlfriend. But these fantasy people are vehicles with which to study myself as an Anthropologist. See my lecture on The Grieving Process as an example of how I use fantasy relationships to analyze myself with.
"Give me Five" said Miller, shoving his big hand out in front of me. I had obviously gotten over my aversion to touch, as far as he could see. "No", I said firmly, feeling imposed upon and invaded. He was expecting me to mirror it and prove my "normalcy". I did not need to gain acceptance.
I often reject people's high-five gestures of fake camaraderie. I also do not initiate shaking hands.
I was a Security Guard at a wine festival (full of alcoholic idiots who go there to drink for free rather than actually buy bottles of wine). There was a huge row of porta-potties with people waiting their turn, but they were not in a specific line, they were just sort of hanging around for whichever 1 came free next. They were all drunk, so they had not noticed thet they were waiting for 1, while 6 others were already vacant. So I just went right up to 1. Some drunken woman yelled at me not to cut in line in front of her, so I demonstrated thet several were already vacant and there was thus no need to even have a line. She dismissed this fact and continued to yell antagonistically because she was a drunken asshole. I ignored her and relieved my bladder.
When I came out she continued to fume about how she was being victimized. I continued to ignored her.
Her female friend told me thet she was actually a very nice person, just too drunk right now, so I should forgive her, after all "We have all been there", meaning all of us have had too much to drink and made asses of ourselves. This I also dismissed, for I have never done any such thing.
She continued to assume I was angry for having to deal with a stupid bitch, when the facts were I did not give a damn. I told her twice (very dismissively) thet I did not care.
She then resorted to Plan B of asking me to high-five her. I ignored her attempt to create this fake camaraderie over her belief thet we should all "be social" by dummying ourselves down to that level. She just kept asking me to high-five her, as a way of saying "Oh come on - Play the game with me". I walked away, immediately forgetting the whole scenario. Morons.
I hate drunks, I hate people, and I especially hate drunken people. Thank God I got to go back out to my post, which was parking cars alone.
As Donna said, Feeling imposed upon and invaded. He was expecting me to mirror it and prove my "normalcy". I did not need to gain acceptance.
I was good at things, but that did not mean I felt for them.
I too feel nothing about doing something I am good at. I always want to act from my desire to learn something new. If I am not expanding my horizons, then it is not worth doing; i.e., I never feel proud of being good at something, I only feel proud of getting better at something.
This leads me to be a person who is utterly indifferent to flattery. Flattery will get you nothing, for I already know if I am good at something or not, thus I do not need your approval or support. In fact I usually find it irritating when people try to flatter me. Sometimes this manifests as a condescension on my part - if someone tries to flatter me, I just think, "Why do you think I need approval from the likes of you? Fuck off." Or when I play music live, and the audience applauds, instead of me saying "Thank you", I want to say, "You are welcome." It is about me giving to them, not them giving to me. There is no relationship there. This can be summed up with the cliche of: If I played in a forest and there was no one there to hear me, would I still kick ass? Of course, for when I play I become pure notes, relatively oblivious to the presence of the people. I could just as easily say, If I played in a forest and there was no one there to hear me, would I still suck? That too would be a Yes, because it is up to me to decide if I played good or not. The audience's response to either is irrelevant.
Ironically, I could personally get more out of sweeping the floor than I could from something the world would applaud.
The sense of accomplishment, either physical or intellectual, is all I care about.
Donna acquires her teaching certificate. She receives "excellent" marks for her teaching style, coming at each personal interaction as an anthropologist rather than a lecturer; i.e., she was unable to empathize with the students' personal thoughts and feelings, thus she would take the time to ask each one to explain, which the students appreciated.
But due to extreme prejudice from the utterly ignorant, the college administration cancelled her certificate. She asked her teacher why she had been "failed". The teacher said, "Look, this is a teaching qualification. It is not just a piece of paper that gives someone the right to go out there and be in a position of responsibility and teach. We do not want anyone killing anybody"; the point being thet all Autistics are obviously psychos. Donna was floored.
Eventually the college allowed her to be a teacher, but only in the English language, when she was superb at teaching in German. This was used as a loophole with which they could disregard their own un-reasonability in their assessment of her "character" they knew nothing about; i.e., like all people who believe in Democracy, they desperately needed to discriminate against her in some way (any way), so they just made shit up.
Donna surprises herself with her own psychic ability; while in Australia she paints a imaginary scene overlooking a large city with a park. 4 months later she goes to New York for the first time, and from her own hotel window looks out at the exact scene she had painted earlier, complete with cranes doing new construction thet was not even in process 4 months before.
There was something familiar about Jim. So purely clinical and logical, he was a walking dictionary who could climb inside his own mind and describe it with the detachment of a structural surveyor. We both used the same system.
She talks about having a funeral for her past. This was the 1 thing I had the most difficulty with all my life - my inability to bury my dead, flogging dead horses in my Obsessive Personality Disordered inability to let go, screaming in rage with my hand in a monkey trap I had built myself.
After 5 years on the GF/CF Diet, I am no longer like that; i.e., obsessiveness is an intestinal disorder. And I never did have that funeral for my past, instead I committed a big symbolic suicide, divorced my abusive lunatic family, and moved 3 states away.
Clear into her second book, Donna has not yet discovered the GF/CF Diet. But this book was published in 1994, so maybe we did not know any better back then, but it still seems ridiculous to me thet she has not figured out thet Autism is (at least partly) intestinal.
We talked about sexuality and the lack of it. "The worst part is feeling that you are missing all of these feelings you are supposed to be having and having to pretend you have them" said Ian.
I talked to Ian about my own sexuality. I talked about how, in the absence of physical attraction and sexuality, I had learned to feign and perform them, and how, in the absence of any connected inner body sense, I had learned to function regardless. We both talked about how it felt; we were a pair of comrades discussing a decade of self-rape, a pair of prostitutes talking trade.
My problem was thet I had a romantic notion about sex. I wanted to fall in love with my best friend and have that be a good idea. Then become lovers because we loved each other and have that be a good idea. Of course, women are not capable of even grasping such concepts.
It was originally desperate loneliness, simply wanting someone to talk to (in Pragmatic Language Disorder which scares the crap out of morons). Then it became a craving for physical affection (with my touch-averse hypersensitivity dictating thet it had to be very specific touch no one was capable of providing). Then it became desperation to become addicted to the feeling of being in love (as over-compensation for loneliness, which is probably the most pathetic of all). Then it became sexual frustration to the point of rage (me being so emotionally intense, all girls were afraid of me, while at my sexual peak masturbating 4 times a day in absolute rage). Then it became hatred and contempt (again as overcompensation).
Now I am at relative peace in my attitude of Go fuck yourself, I am not going to. Today I literally do not give a fuck. Women are not good for anything. I do not want one.
Back when I used to wear tidy-whities, some woman told me I should get colored underwear. I asked, Why? No one is going to see it anyway - me honestly bewildered why she would say such a thing. She got this look on her face, as if to say, "What is wrong with you. Why aren't you an exhibitionist like all other pussy-whipped idiot men?" Another time I attempted to be physically intimate (not necessarily sexual) with some chick, she said, "Do not talk to me - you are ruining it." Excuse me bitch, you blithering illiterate, but I am a Hyperlexic Aspie, I communicate in 90% words, thus you must talk during sex - or in this case merely making out (which abruptly stopped at that moment anyway because acquiring typical female frostbite was not on my agenda).
7 times I have fallen in love with my "best friend" (because I was desperate and she was there), but none of them were ever my girlfriend. "Sexuality" (snicker) always took place with someone I did not even care about, because those were the only people who had not known me long enough to know I would impulsively spill my guts to them in Pragmatic Language Disorder - this level of honesty absolutely terrifying to women.
I always resented it with such bitterness, this fact thet my best friend I am in love with will not let me touch her, while total strangers are willing to fuck me like self-disgusted sluts. I know positively thet the only sex I would ever be able to have would be with a prostitute, because I could pay her to pretend to be what I want (slow, gentle, and talking). Unfortunately I would so bitterly resent having to pay for it thet I have not attempted to have a prostitute either. Thus, at the age of 29 I gave up on sex entirely.
Then I tried to be friends with Ursela - a sociopath. Then I tried to be friends with Genie - she was psychotic. So I gave up on interacting with any female face-to-face, and instead developed pen-pals, all of whom were intimidated by my intellect. So I gave up on women completely.
Now I just write reviews and post them on my web-site, refusing to advertise the site at all, thus only people smart enough to seek out this information on their own will read it.
"I thought there was something wrong with me", said Ian. "I thought maybe I was gay. I thought I was frigid. Even when I could go through the motions, there was no want. There was no attraction."
"Asexuality has nothing to do with frigidity or being celibate or being gay", I said. "I have no interest. I am not holding myself back from anything. I think it is more normal to admit a lack of feelings and interest than to pretend to have them. Ian looked sad. "What is wrong?", I asked. "I think of all the things that would have been different if I had understood all this before", Ian said. "Nobody talks about things like this", I said. "People know about homosexuality or fear of sexuality or a choice not to have sex, but they cannot imagine an absence of it. They cannot imagine it as a normal state anyway, and nobody is talking about it because the lack of it is meant to mean there is something even more abnormal." "I wonder how many other people are out there who do not know", said Ian.
It seemed crazy that people assumed that because you have an adult body that your stage of mental, emotional, social, or sexual development is necessarily in sync with it. People know about mental retardation or emotional immaturity and the undeveloped or under-developed sexuality this often entails. The way an adult feels going through the motions of sex without a developed sense of sexuality is the same as in the case of a child. He feels molested, abused, and confused.
Ian and I talked about the status-badges of so-called normality, the performance of being just like everyone else. We also talked about the ever-present fear of them finding out you are not.
I did not know why I had no sense of sexuality. It could have resulted from abuse, misuse, or my Autism. All probably played a part. The causes were not important. The choices left in society for rewarding expression of intimacy with other people were the issue. There were so few who were like this, and even fewer who were able to admit it.
Ian and I both experienced sensuality, but it was sexuality that was always thought to be the ultimate end result of closeness. Those who did not see it this way too often ended up at the mercy of save-the-world martyrs and their let-me-teach-you performance programs. Ian and I had both met our share of these. Guilty that we could not "grow up" despite their best efforts to teach us, we had both done the same thing - denied the "problem", smiled, and polished the performance. See my Autism Lecture #7 on Surrogates.
"Do you know anyone else like this?", asked Ian. I told him about two other Autistic people I knew of. "There is one who writes to me about his 'Bedroom Academy Awards'", I said. "There is another who laughed to me about being out of his body and watching it going through the motions. He took this to be so normal that he never even thought of the extreme anxiety he must have been under to cause him to detach to such extent. He does not know any different."
The lives of these people were filled with the day-to-day lie that this form of passive self-rape was called an expression of "love" and that the act itself was meant to be proof that one was worth something. They lived with the fact there appeared to be no alternatives, or at least no one was speaking about them.
I wondered if Ian would be better off not knowing. Perhaps he would know no better. Perhaps he would like the structure of knowing his role and performance in the world relationship. "I cannot deny my experiences", he said. "I cannot deny how it makes me feel inside, feeling afraid they will find out, feeling ashamed at not being normal." He looked at me helplessly and then asked, "But what are the alternatives?" "You could be in a platonic relationship with someone who was more special than a friend", I said.
There was absolutely no suggestion thet that person could be me. Intimacy had had no place in my life. It had had no place in my world where closeness to people and touch were against the law. It held no allure to me in the world where it was haunted by too many sickening echoes of its limitless distortions.
I thought of the chances of Ian finding a person of the world who would understand him as himself, someone who would accept a platonic asexual relationship as a first choice. I knew how he would feel spending his life being understood only from the outside, forever alien, the only albatross for miles.
I never thought there was anything wrong with me. I just felt a frantic desperation to connect but did not know how, for all the Normals were completely crazy. Their every thought, feeling, and action was a manifestation of apparent Schizophrenia. They were all so angry, which inevitably came out in their sexuality, eventually driving me to the conclusion thet all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes. I was utterly repulsed, though desperate in my desire to actually have a sexual relationship. This frustration - sexual to the point of rage, and emotional to the point of despair, over-compensated for with impulsively falling in love with whomever happened to be on hand - drove me to be clinically depressed all through my quote-unquote "sexual prime".
I went through my gender-confusion stage, identifying so much with female forms of communication, girl-talk, which amounted to the equivalent of Pragmatic Language Disorder, at least from men's perspective; guys my age becoming furious with me and yelling, "You are such a girl!" because of my ultra-vulnerable emotionally-honest communication style.
For decades, in my every dream my body would change sexes constantly, gay men hit on me all the time, and women were utterly disinterested, at least sexually. I never did acquire an actual girlfriend. Eventually my rage and hatred made me just give up on sex. I realized thet my brain was my greatest sexual organ, and thus the only reason I wanted sex was because I thought about it. Once I stopped thinking about it I stopped wanting it physically, or at least stopped feeling frantic desperation sexual frustration.
The emotional loneliness was even worse. I used to have anxiety-attacks in my sleep, waking up shaking from the loneliness. I would take absolutely scalding showers in my attempt to satisfy my skin-hunger. Meanwhile I could not actually stand to be touched by anyone. I so easily get over-stimulated and all my senses shut down. When I was about 10 years old some girl kissed me. I practically went unconscious in my out-of-body panic.
Pornography is repulsive - nothing but shit Beavis and Butthead would circle-jerk to. Duuuh. I like to watch women having intercourse, but the asinine immaturity of the movies is just painfully embarrassing. Anyone who would actually feel sexually aroused by porn is emotionally infantile and brain-dead. I have never got an erection while watching porn.
The "favorites list" in my computer includes 468 web sites. None of them have anything to do with sex.
Donna's remark about mental, emotional, and social maturity affecting sexual maturity is not something thet ever applied to me. I was born an adult, profoundly more mature than anyone else my age, at every age. Add to that my superhuman senses and typical Aspie sense of Ethics, and I am "left out of the loop" (circle-jerk) of sexuality the average (brain-dead) person experiences.
I was surprised by Donna's remark about being afraid the Normals would find out she did not have a "normal" sex-life. I have the blessing of Pragmatic Language Disorder - I can spill my guts to startled strangers, saying point-blank: "Women are not good for anything; I do not want one", and "Go fuck yourself - I am not going to." I sometimes want to say in antagonism to the Normals, "That is the advantage to being Autistic - I get to say what I feel and you do not!" There is nothing about me I have not already written out in detail and published for the world to see (read my 77 zines).
1 of the many reasons I gave up on sex is thet 90% of the time it was some pervert trying to "perform sex on me". I found that so repulsive. What Donna referred to as "the let-me-teach-you performance programs" make me want to throw up, or hit them. Unfortunately most women would like to literally roll around naked in vomit (as sex-play), and they get off on being slapped around (as sex-play). I hate them. Why do they have to ruin it every time?
Now I occasionally fantasize of having a Faerie for a girlfriend, for human females are just disgusting. (Why do some Bronies clop to pony porn? Because most Bronies have Aspergers Syndrome and thus, like me, long ago came to the conclusion thet human females are useless ... you cannot even beat off to them!).
Guilty that we could not "grow up" despite their best efforts to teach us, we had both done the same thing - denied the "problem", smiled, and polished the performance.
I was never like that. I was a very self-assured Aries who would throw up my hands in arrogance and walk (on water) away from quote-unquote "sex". Not recognizing I was a hyper-sensitive Autistic, and thet it is natural for the Normals to get off on pain, I always blamed them for being perverts, rather than me trying to "play the game" or perform sex.
As for sensuality, like I said above, I learned to take scalding showers to give my skin something to feel in place of the missing touch. Then I discovered vinegar baths, which leech the pesticides out of your system. I went on to become delighted with hot springs (I lived in Oregon at the time, which has 32 hot springs); the mineral bath very good for me, and the heat raising my temperature by a few degrees to kill any bugs - I, for the first time in my life, slept soundly after a 3-hour soak in a hot-spring. I became sexually attracted to waterfalls surrounded by icicles. Picking icicles off of lava rock and eating them was very sensual to me. This was the extent of my sensuality for years. I also liked the contrast of hot springs in frigid air. I loved riding my motorcycle in cold wet weather.
The lives of these people were filled with the day-to-day lie that this form of passive self-rape was called an expression of "love", and that the act itself was meant to be proof that one was worth something.
"I cannot deny how it makes me feel inside, feeling afraid they will find out, feeling ashamed at not being normal". This Ian character is an Autistic who clearly does not have Pragmatic Language Disorder. It gives me no embarrassment what-so-ever to openly tell the world thet at the age of 51 I fantasize of having a Faerie girlfriend. And I am proud of being an Autistic who is not able to give a shit what you think of me. Die - I will not notice. While the rest of you are beating off to grotesque porn and riding a Harley you cannot afford in your terrified-anxiety attempt to prove to your pathetic equals thet you are not gay (when you clearly are), I am the only person who has nothing to prove and nothing to hide.
The advantage of being Autistic is thet I get to say what I feel and you do not. Accept your place.
Intimacy; it held no allure to me in the world where it was haunted by too many sickening echoes of its limitless distortions. You said it, Donna.
See my review of the documentary (A) Sexual. Also see my Autism Lecture on Autistic Sex and my review of the Alphas TV show,and as I mentioned above, my lecture on Surrogates.
We stopped and sat in the sunshine. Ian was exploring the concept of relationships. He would have to find this with himself first, I thought. Until he did, he would be incapable of self-love, let alone being able to freely be with anyone out of want and not just out of insecurity. "If you had a choice of being alone and living according to your own reality, or living against it with someone else, what would you choose?" I asked. "I would choose to stay alone" he answered. That was what I needed to know.
As they say, Living with an Aspie is like living alone. I have no desire to have an actual girlfriend because they are controlling and manipulative; out of their insecurity they try to change the guy rather than accept who he is. All women want a pussy-whipped, jealous, child who is easy to manipulate for a boyfriend. And most men are those manifestations of insecurity, as proven by them overcompensating with their macho/jock, porn-loving, Harley-riding, faggot BS. And these days they wear their pants with the waist under their butt-cheeks and a dork baseball cap on backward to demonstrate what "real men"/rebels they are, when the facts are all that clothing style demonstrates is what infants they are, still needing their mommies to dress them.
I was sitting in my car at a traffic signal waiting for the light to change. I happened to look over at the car next to me, to my left. It had the window down about 1/3 of the way. The side-windows were tinted black, thus all I could see above the top edge of the window was the hair of the person in the passenger's seat. Then I saw thet the driver had the window down about 1 inch, just enough to flick their cigarette ash out. Then I saw they had a little canvas bag hanging from the rear-view mirror. On it was painted an apparent marijuana leaf. Then I saw thet it was actually a palm tree. I wondered if it had sand from some beach in it. Then the back-seat window rolled down and a Mexican guy with prison tattoos on his face asked me with an exaggerated belligerence if I was getting-off at looking at his lady. I burst out laughing and said, "What a runt of a man!", and drove away.
I guessed thet the hair was that of a female, but I could not tell for sure (not thet I gave a damn) because the windows were tinted so dark. And I noticed thet the fingers flicking out the cigarette ash were female. But I never saw either of the persons those body parts were connected to for the windows were rolled up too far and I was at an angle from which I could not actually see directly across the car's interior.
This pathetic excuse of a man is what women want. His little peanut sized testicles fell off at the mere thought thet someone was "looking at his lady", which of course was not even possible for me to do in this scenario. He only had a "girlfriend" as overcompensation for his raging insecurity about his un-admitted homosexuality, manifested as his compulsive desire to be belligerent and hostile toward other men, to show off to himself what a 'real man" he was. In this case I was not even aware of her existence - all I saw was hair of one and fingers of another.
Typically Autistic, I was obsessing with my pattern-recognition, in this case the printed palm tree on the canvas bag!
This manipulative co-addict cunt and this pathetically insecure runt of a man were a typical representation of what the Normals call a "relationship". You are all so utterly beneath me.
Ian picked up a crystal with birds on it and approached the shop assistant. "What are you doing?", I asked. "I am buying it", said Ian. "Who for?", I asked. "You", he said. I did not want it. "Crystals are for discovering more than owning", I said (even though I had a few). Gifts thet come from one who has no self are devoid of the person giving them. There was too much "I want to please you" in the air. There was too much "Let me escape me by focusing on you." I could accept nothing in this atmosphere. "Put it back", I said. "I do not want it."
I have always been irritated by gifts. I never knew why anyone would want to receive one or give one. My mother was always trying to give me useless crap I did not want, thinking I was somehow supposed to feel grateful or honored or loved or whatever. It always just made me angry, because the gifts were always something I could never imagine wanting, thus proving she had no clue who I was.
I wanted to punch her in the head. I always wanted to yell at her (and sometimes outright scream), "How much did that cost! Why didn't you give me the money instead, so I can buy what I actually need, like paying my car insurance!"
I am exceptionally pragmatic and practical. Cash is the only reasonable gift to give someone, with no stipulation about what it is to be spent on. Give me money so I can buy what I actually need. That would be a thoughtful and considerate, and thus appreciated, gift.
Of course the Normals all believe I am supposed to feel "loved" by them handing off to me some useless crap I cannot use. It becomes a burden, a weight of emotional baggage I must drag around with me, when I have no clue what specific emotion they wanted to induce in me with this ritualized object-passing.
I hate gifts. I detest birthdays and Christmas. It is just such pointless stupidity, buying something thet is not needed, with money you do not have, for someone you do not care about, because it is "what families do." I have no clue why.
My first love thought "love" was to be constantly showered with expensive gifts. I had no clue why she would think such a thing. What did it do for her emotionally to be bought over and over? I have no idea. My second love thought "love" was expressed through insane levels of jealousy; she would continually try to provoke me into a jealous rage by speaking to other guys, which I felt nothing about. Why the hell should I care? I never understood why she would think me being so insecure thet I would go into an actual rage if she even spoke to some other guy was somehow equated with an expression of love on my part. She was the same stupid cunt as the cigarette-ash flicker - getting off on being so superior to the dickless runt she chose for a pussy-whipped wimp of a boyfriend. You Normals are all barking mad.
Donna ends the book by expressing her self-assuredness through what talents she has, rather than feeling insecure about her deficiencies, stating thet though Autism is part of her, she is not Autism. It is something she will control, rather than letting it control her. She then acquires Irlen lenses to alleviate her Visual Processing Disorder.
End of book.
From Donna's web-site I got the following:
Donna Williams' Accomplishments:
• 1991. Became the first person diagnosed with Autism to become an international bestselling author, and the second person diagnosed with Autism to have a published autobiography (Nobody Nowhere) in the English language (the first was Temple Grandin).
• 1992. Became one of the first people diagnosed with Autism to become a qualified teacher, going on to use this in international work as an Autism teacher and trainer.
• 1994. Became the first author diagnosed with Autism to have 2 international bestselling autobiographies (Nobody Nowhere, and Somebody Somewhere), and the first Autistic to have their work published in multiple languages.
• 1991 - 2005. Became the most widely published author diagnosed with Autism in the world (with 9 published books in the field of Autism).
• 1992. Started the world's first international Autistic-run pen-pal list and newsletter - ANI (Autism Network International), together with Jim Sinclair and Kathy Lissner-Grant.
• 1994. Became one of the first paid international public speakers diagnosed with Autism.
• 1992 - 1995. Featured as Person of The Week on ABC News, and appeared in 3 television documentaries. One of those documentaries, Jam Jar, got nominated for the Mental Health Award.
• 1992 - 1996. Volunteered as an Autism consultant throughout the UK.
• 1996. Started the Alternative Approaches to Autism Consultancy, and became one of the world's first professional Autism consultants also diagnosed with Autism.
• 1999. Completed the first of three music albums, two songs from which went into an international TV series.
• 2002. Was an elected layperson's panel-member of the UK Medical Research Council's review into the causes of Autism.
• 2005. Started Auties.org, the first direct to public global self-employment networking portal for those with Autism, and started Autism-friendly dinner-clubs in Melbourne and regular social activities for its members.
• 2005. Wrote the screenplay to the book Nobody Nowhere, about to become a cinema released film.
• 2006. Started http://blog.donnawilliams.net which regularly featured Autism articles and interviews, including promoting the works of teens and adults on the Autism Spectrum.
• 2007. Had first international exhibition of artworks by an Autistic and became a selling artist.
• 2008. Formed the band, Donna and the Aspinauts, as one of the world's first professional bands featuring predominantly members on the Autism Spectrum. In 2009 they became one of the world's first fully paid professional bands featuring members diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, produced their first album, performed Rock Musicals (written, directed, and performed by Donna, and backed by The Aspinauts) in theaters in Melbourne and Victoria.
• 2010. Started Aspinauts For Kids which created children's choirs and music mentoring for children on the Autism Spectrum.
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Sound of a Miracle
by Annabel Stehli
This is a very good book which tells an infuriating story.
Back in the early 60s Annabel got married and had 2 kids. The first child (Dotsie) developed Leukemia, and the second (Georgie) was born Autistic.
Back then, the medical profession was even more useless than it is today - specifically concerning the Autism, they had no clue, other than Bettelheim's asinine theory thet Autism was caused by "refrigerator mothers". Poor Annabel takes her child to every "specialist" available, only to be told spitefully, and in some cases with outright viciousness, thet she is obviously an unfit mother and Autism is all her fault. Several times while reading this horrible story I was provoked into wanting to shoot some doctor in the head.
In Georgie's case, the Autism was apparently caused by her placenta repeatedly detaching from the uterus.
It never ceases to surprise me thet in every Autism book I read, the cause of the Autism for that particular child is different from what caused it in the kid from the previous book. How can so many different causes have the same effect?
I could put my fingers in my mouth and make munching noises but there was never any response. I felt helpless and frustrated as well as mystified, and only hoped that she would talk when she was ready. After all, she was not even 2 yet.
Meanwhile she had her strengths. In addition to her mixing and stirring capabilities, she never dropped things, and could have complete charge of a glass measuring cup. She never fell down or hurt herself either, always maintaining her stance on the step-stool without wavering. She seemed to have a phenomenal sense of balance.
She was always completely absorbed in cooking and baking until I got out the electric beater. Then she would climb down and leave the kitchen, retreat to the far side of the living room, where she would get down on her hands and knees and rock back and forth, back and forth, staring strait ahead. When I turned off the beater, she would stop her rocking and come back into the kitchen.
I felt depending on God was an insult to my self-reliance.
My feelings of inadequacy as a mother were multiplied [when Bettelheim came out with his Freudian bullshit book The Empty Fortress]. To quote: "Autistic children are those who, for no known organic reason, have failed to develop a personality, and ego-sense that can operate in relation to the real experience." It described the condition as "one of the severest forms of childhood Schizophrenia, an illness, even a suicide, of the soul." It went on to state that infants choose to be Autistic: "Some kind of choice seems apparent in the Autistic child's rigid and complexly defended withdrawal from effective relations with other people and the world." Bettelheim said that whenever he and his staff were able to penetrate an Autistic child's defenses, they found "hatred, extreme and explosive. And behind that hatred was always the longing, eternally thwarted, but nevertheless not given up; a longing now deeply encapsulated in repression so as to keep it from coming to awareness in unbearable pain. The hatred and longing stem from extreme frustration in the mother/infant relationship which result in the infant's conviction that it can have no effect upon its environment. This conviction is absolutely shattering, for only through repeated and satisfying experiences of its effect upon its surroundings, started from birth, can an infant develop a personality, a sense of 'I'."
Though it is true thet Floor Time helps, it is also true thet, in the classic case of neglectful Russian orphanages wherein the children were simply warehoused with no interaction with anyone at all, the children would cry constantly and desperately cling to any adult who showed up. Their frantic desperation for contact and bonding suggest thet a "refrigerator mother" would actually produce the opposite of an Autistic. Bettelheim could not be any more wrong.
She was easily amused, basically only interested in food and sleep, and she did not talk. She would not look at you and seemed to have no loyalty. Anyone could feed her, take care of her, hold her, put her to bed, get her up - she did not seem to discriminate at all among caretakers. She had never cried when I went out, and had never been glad to see me. Increasingly I blamed myself, thinking I must have failed her in some way.
By now her husband Bill too was feeling like a failure: Neither one of us seemed to have much self-esteem, and this was re-enforced by his family who thought we were both failures. Bill had not made enough money, and I was not chic enough, and did not try to hide my intelligence like a "sensible female."
At the age of two, Georgie loved building extremely elaborate card houses, and was on a grown up level in her ability to construct them.
Then 4 year old Dotsie was diagnosed with Leukemia.
Meanwhile her best friend and Husband have an affair: When I told Bill he would have to either give her up or get out, I fully expected him to end the relationship. But leave he did. His parting words were, "I cannot live a lie anymore."
Live a lie? Didn't he care about us at all? And didn't he realize he was like a fireman leaving his own burning house? I could never forgive either of them for their betrayal. I felt I was being left for dead.
Georgie deteriorated that summer, her symptoms becoming exaggerated and more bizarre. At the zoo she could not take her eyes off the seals, and suddenly began to imitate them. She looked like she wanted to merge with them. The wonder of it was that she imitated them so perfectly. I could not understand why she would not imitate human noises and begin to talk.
The new apartment seemed to throw Georgie completely. She would endlessly line up her little colored pegboard pegs in long rows across the room. She began to spin in one specific corner, standing there with her eyes rolling up in her head and her hands clamped to her sides. She would spin for half an hour at a time, making a soft eerie warbling sound.
Dr Small probably thought it was therapeutically-advantagious to forgo the barrier of his desk. "There is no question in my mind that your daughter is disturbed. She is an Autistic child, and she is Retarded."
But if she was Retarded, then why was she able to tie her shoes when she was barely two?
Dr Small looked exasperated, and ignored my question. "She is obviously Retarded and low functioning, and a great deal of it is due to the fact that you" - he looked right at me - "have avoided contact with her."
The bus rolled to the curb and I nudged the girls up the steps, turning to say goodbye to Bill. He grabbed my arm, looked at me pointedly, and said, "Let Dotsie die, institutionalize Georgie, and get on with your life."
The noises caused Georgie actual pain, and yet we never knew which ones would and which ones would not. She could stand the subway, and the bus did not faze her, and yet a puffing sound that was barely audible drove her to distraction. It made no sense.
Meanwhile Dotsie, in the last stages of Leukimia, comes down with Pneumonia for the 4th time - while in the hospital!
Annabel eventually did put Georgie in an Institution, where she would Stim violently, attack other children, an slam herself against screened windows. But when she came home for the weekends, she was her typical utterly-detached, silent, artistically-ingenious self. This "multiple personality" behavior the Doctors used to "prove" she was "Schizophrenic."
Annabel gets sick of these morons and takes Georgie out of the Institution - to which they responded by again declaring that she is an unfit mother for "negligently" withdrawing her from "therapy".
Meanwhile Dotsie's cancer "treatments" were killing her faster than the cancer, so she took her home from the hospital. From this the doctors again declared she was a criminally-negligent unfit mother, and demanded thet she come in for a "consultation":
He was seated behind a large empty desk, his face a mask of objective indifference. I remained standing like a prisoner brought before the warden. "How do you feel about the deepest part of yourself?" he inquired, as if I were beneath contempt. I bristled at the implication.
"I have a few questions along those lines about the doctors here, as a matter of fact", I surprised myself by saying.
"You have questions about the doctors here?" He looked pale and unhealthy as if he lived underground. I decided to shift the blame, and launched into an attack I had been wanting to unleash for months:
"I think it must take a special kind of doctor to work here. First they give you false, overly negative information about how long they think your child is going to live. Then they bombard the kids with experimental drugs and use them as guinea pigs. A lot of the procedures are painful and some of them are downright barbaric. One of the doctors told me he had been counseled to build as thick a shell as possible. He was criticized for showing compassion - for being Human! How do you think the doctors feel about the deepest parts of themselves? That is the question you should be asking. I came to Sloan-Kettering for the best care for my daughter, and instead you give her drugs with horrible side-effects, and most of them do not work anyway. You do not even expect them to work. You cannot blame me for trying something else. The hematologist at Brooklyn Hospital warned me not to come here, she knew it was demoralizing and depressing. I wish I had listened to her. Oh, and to answer your question, I like the deepest part of myself, thank you, and I have fought hard for my daughter's life.
"Yes, well, that is very good." He cleared his throat and stood up to signal the end of our session.
Dotsie got sicker anyway. So she was taken back to the hospital to die.
"She is really sick", I said. "With the side-effects more than the illness. When are you going to stop giving her new drugs?"
"I cannot do that, you know that. We have a course of treatments we have to follow, and we cannot make changes."
"Come on", I said. "How can you be so scientific and cold-blooded about it? Why do you have to push things to the bitter end?"
"You have to understand, that is what we do here. And also that a doctor's job is to keep people alive no matter what it takes. Once we lose sight of that, we are in a gray area that is impossible to deal with from a legal standpoint, if not a moral one."
"I do understand that. But what about a good death? Why do you prolong everybody's agony? For your precious research? And so you can feel you did all you could for your medical ego at the patient's expense? You call that Ethics? My daughter hurts from these drugs, do you understand that? Is everybody under orders to extend the lives of these children no matter how much pain you are causing them? Isn't there a such thing as a merciful release?" He looked at me pleadingly and turned to go, but I grabbed his sleeve.
"I am not letting you off the hook", I said. "We have co-operated. You know my ambivalence about using these kids for research, and Dotsie has done her bit for humanity, okay? A year ago she was one of the first kids to be blitzed by those four major drugs you gave her all at once, and you learned something. And thanks to her it is working now for others. Isn't that enough of a contribution? She has been on how many other drugs? Ten? How about the one where you made the ten scratches in a grid pattern on her arm and rubbed the medicine in?" He flinched. The doctor was hearing me finally, and he stopped trying to run.
"She is extremely weak and uncomfortable, and the ulcers are making it hard for her to eat." He looked down and sighed. "Okay. 5HP will be the last drug. But we will have to finish the course of treatment."
She had been on the critical list for almost three weeks when I went to see her.
"Hi Dotsie." I said.
"Hi, Mommy." Her voice was soft, almost a whisper. "I feel awful."
"I know, sweetheart. Do you want to come sit in my lap for a while?"
"Okay." She struggled to sit up.
"Don't move. I will get you." I reached under her and lifted her up in my arms.
We were just cuddling and relaxing together.
Suddenly she grasped the right side of her head, and turned to look straight at me. She said in a clear voice, "Mommy, I have had it." She lost consciousness and slumped against me. I laid her down gently and covered her up.
The nurse examined her and said she was in a coma.
I used a litany of meditation over the next three days, and it cleared my mind, comforted me, and gave me a handle on the terrible mixture of pain and relief I was feeling. On March 9th Dotsie died.
The next day I wallpapered Georgie's bathroom with a benign jungle scene designed for children, with cute little monkeys and adorable tigers. When Georgie took her bath that night, she looked like a little wild child at home in her own special universe. It was important to me, regardless of her deficiencies, that I allow her the dignity of her own special place in that universe, and have faith that she would have her own special place in it. I looked at her right where she was, allowing her to be who she was rather than who I thought she should be. It was a good feeling - a feeling of letting go.
Out at the beach, Georgie took swimming lessons from a woman who had been teaching for 40 years. Although she was baffled by Georgie, she was so patient and proficient that she managed to teach her how to swim. She said Georgie was not able to follow directions, and learned only by trial and error.
This is so me, and very typical of most Autistics.
The link between Autism and childhood Schizophrenia would later be disproven, but at the time it was the prevailing theory. Coupled with Bettelheim's theory of "refrigerator mothers", mom-bashing was the game of choice for mental health professionals - most of whom had been attracted to the profession in the first place because of "difficulties" with their own mothers. With my egocentricity and self-destructive tendencies, my attraction to guilt and blame, I was a natural for that particular bandwagon. It would have taken a miracle to allow it to pass me by.
"Well, she plays monster too roughly, and if she does not get her own way, she hits and kicks until people leave her alone. If she thinks the TV is too loud she yells and swears, using unbelievable language. In class she cannot concentrate and says when it is windy outside that the building is going to fall down. She literally hears things that are not there. It is good that she is in touch with the hatred and anger she has never dared to express at home. She feels safe doing that here, and that is a good sign." I was also told she was obsessed with violence and gore and entertained herself with violent fantasies. When she found a doll she would try to destroy it, behavior they found extremely significant and indicative of her hatred of people, engendered by my rejection of her.
Annabel gets re-married to a wonderful Swiss man named Peter, and has another (Normal) baby.
We put her on skis, and she caught on amazingly quickly. But they said Georgie was "counter-phobic", that it was all bravado and really quite dangerous, we should keep her off the ski-slopes for her own protection, instead of what we were doing which was tantamount to negligence. We treated this piece of Freudian hogwash as gospel, kowtowing to the "experts".
I still could not label her insane, no matter how much they counseled me and insisted that accepting it was the only healthy attitude. It seemed to me that she was reacting appropriately within the realm of her perception, and simply marching to an extremely different drummer. Otherwise she could not have behaved as well as she did, at least at home.
We took Georgie to a secluded area of the park, and when Gail asked her if she could pray for her, Georgie agreed. Gail anointed her head with oil, and then we both put our hands on her shoulders and prayed.
The next day they called, wanting to know what had happened to Georgie. They said she had been unusually hyper-active during her session, and that afterward she had been proselytizing to anyone who would listen, talking about God and Jesus, and Christ in her heart. "Now you have added religious mania to her many other problems", they said. "Georgie's treatment conference is coming up, and you and Peter are expected to be there to discuss this issue."
They said there was no way Georgie could live at home and go to a day-school. She was much too low-functioning, vulnerable, and dangerous to be able to handle it, and they would be irresponsible and derelict in their duty if they so much as considered it. They insisted that inpatient residential treatment was the only possible choice for her, and told me I was living in a dream-world. The pediatrician agreed, "You do not want an Autistic child living at home when you have a baby!"
Now Georgie was to be relegated to a pretty village for the mentally handicapped where she would weave baskets until she died.
Now Georgie is 11 years old.
Dr Wuarin explained to me that she had personally witnessed the recovery of many children as a result of having their hearing corrected, and once this symptom was relieved they were able to concentrate, learn, and slough off their remaining inappropriate behaviors because basic communication became enjoyable for the first time. She said a doctor in France could train Georgie's hearing so that the ocean did not sound like a tidal wave anymore.
He was going deaf himself many years ago, but cured his deafness by playing music on the frequencies where his hearing was inadequate. He found his hearing adjusted and became more acute.
He also learned it was useful in reverse, for people whose hearing was too loud. This treatment has been successful, and a large part of his practice for 20 years has been the treatment of children with hyper-audition.
He will play music, rather loudly, at all frequencies except those which cause her discomfort, and her hearing will adjust.
"Are you afraid of the ocean because it sounds like a tidal wave to you?"
"Yes", she said.
"I do not hear it the same way you do. It does not sound like a tidal-wave to me. It sounds good. In fact it calms me down. You have a physical problem Georgie. There is something wrong with your hearing."
"I thought everyone heard it that way and just coped with it better than me."
"You were just reacting to the noise the way you did because it sounded so much louder to you. There is a doctor who can train you to hear normally."
"You mean I am not crazy?"
I started to cry.
The doctors continued to insist that Georgie was insane and the mother was deluded (because she is to blame).
"You know she has manifested unmanageable behaviors here. You know she tried to throw herself out the window."
The window was covered with mesh, and besides, her reaction was sound-related. She told me that the radios and the television were blaring, and that noise was deafening for her. She was not allowed to turn down the volume, and no one would let her go to her room because she had to "work on her socialization."
This is my life exactly. See what I said above about the "office scenario"; I am crazy because you will not shut up? You are the problem! As they say, "You do not suffer from Asperger's Syndrome - you suffer from other people."
I got word from Georgie's father Bill that the doctors were so concerned about our decision that they wanted him to stop us at the airport if we tried to leave the country with Georgie.
"I agree with what you are doing", he said. Another victory!
"So much of Dyslexia in many cases is related to hearing; it is not only visual. That she says b for v is an indication, and once she has the treatment, you may see a big change in the way she can read." He pointed to the peaks on the graph. "This is very acute. She hears far too well on these frequencies and this has made her very uncomfortable, in fact it causes her pain."
After 5 days of treatment, Dr Berard did another audiogram of Georgie's hearing. "It is working" he said. "We are getting excellent results. Her behavior will gradually change, you will see, she will become less rigid, and you will be able to direct her more. She will get some life in her voice. Of course you must understand that she is going to feel some anger. She is going to feel that she has been under water for 11 years, and someone has decided finally to pull her up. That somebody is you." He looked at me raising his eyebrows as if to say, Watch out!
Georgie suddenly came up to us as we sat in the living room. "Can I go out and play?" she asked.
"Why would you want to go out? It is dark and wet out there."
"The storm does not sound like a machine-gun any more" she said.
"Go!" we said.
Peter and I stood there, tears streaming down our faces, as we watched Georgie dancing in the rain.
She told me she was much more comfortable, that she no longer heard street noises 3 blocks away, or people flushing toilets at the other end of the building, or the blood rushing in her veins. She had not been able to blow out the candles on her birthday cake because the sound of blowing had been so disturbing. "It sounded like monsters", she said. People's breathing had upset her. I was intrigued to learn that she spent so much time out in the woods because the leaves "clacked" when they rustled, like castanets.
"On windy days I could not concentrate at all. I was sure we would all be blown away. That is why I was so afraid of cyclones and tornadoes and hurricanes. And floods ... Every time it rained I was afraid it would flood."
She said she had had so much trouble learning to talk because she had not liked the sound of people's voices, and had trouble hearing certain sounds.; e.g., "yes" sounded like "less." Georgie said that Bellevue was quiet, and when they taught her words, she could hear them, even though one of her biggest problems had been the sound of her own circulation.
There are a lot of Aspergers (diagnosed or not) in the music business. Here is another song about Central Auditory Processing Disorder, Anxiety Attacks, and Memory Deficit Disorder, all of which are symptoms (I have) of Aspergers. It could also be obviously about Georgie:
BLOOD MAKES NOISE (The Georgiana Stehli Theme-song)
by Suzanne Vega
I'd like to help you doctor Yes I really really would
But the din in my head It's too much and it's no good
I'm standing in a windy tunnel Shouting through the roar
And I'd like to give the information you are asking for
But blood makes noise
It's a ringing in my ear
Blood makes noise
And I can't really hear you in the thickening of fear
I think that you might want to know the details and the facts
But there's something in my blood Denies the memory of the acts
So just forget it Doc I think it's really cool that you're concerned
But we will have to try again after the silence has returned
'Cause blood makes noise
It's a ringing in my ear
Blood makes noise
And I can't really hear you in the thickening of fear
I'd like to help you doctor Yes I really really would
But the din in my head It's too much and it's no good
Blood makes noise
It's a ringing in my ear
And I can't really hear you in the thickening of fear
Blood makes noise
Peter's company transfers him to Switzerland. The whole family goes.
Georgie takes a few ski lessons, and with her superior sense of balance immediately surpasses her own instructor.
Now thet Georgie is tremendously better from the Audio Integration Training, they try to put her into a Swiss "International School" were the curriculum was in both English and French.
We were tense. A lot was riding on this, and she visibly braced when the admissions person introduced himself and ushered us into his office. He made us feel decidedly unwelcome as he busied himself with papers on his desk. Although he did not look like a bully, he said, "I have Georgina's records from her residential treatment center in New York. I cannot imagine what you expect us to provide for your daughter. What would you like us to do? Babysit?" This last word was said with such venom that I winced.
I tried to reason with him, educating him to the benefits of Auditory Training.
When I finished, he said, "I have never heard of this doctor. He is virtually unknown to the English speaking community here." I was beginning to learn that this golden ghetto referred to as "The English Speaking Community" was a country within a country, with no easy breaching of boundaries. He said, "I have never heard of Auditory Training either, and certainly not as a treatment for Childhood Schizophrenia."
"But she was Autistic, and all her symptoms are going away" I protested. He glanced at Georgie, as if her rigid posture was testimony to my self-delusion. "You have been irresponsible for bringing this child to Switzerland."
We went home, and Georgie went off skateboarding, knowing that at least in her own neighborhood she was just another kid on the block.
The alternative was the Calvert School in Baltimore, which would send study plans so that we could educate her at home. Georgie was an eager student. She was interested in everything - and especially remarkable were the intricate, accurate maps she produced. I have 10 maps on my walls. Studying them comforts me.
I heard about a small special school where English was spoken. Run by a bright, soft-spoken, English woman, there were only 2 students; one was intelligent but physically limited, the other physically normal but severely Retarded. The teacher said she would be happy to take Georgie for the rest of the year. She would be tutored in almost private lessons by an expert. But the fact that the best we could do for her was this tiny school with such damaged children was disheartening, and I went home with mixed feelings of relief and defeat. Georgie on the other hand was happy about the prospect and had no qualms at all about the condition of her classmates.
Georgie went to school every day and began to catch up fast academically with the combination of her enthusiasm and newfound ability to concentrate. She soaked up knowledge, her memory was infallible, and her teacher raved about her, but she was leery about her being able to cope with a normal school. "She is still so lacking in basic knowledge, and she has never been in an academic situation."
Having become teachable, she was able to bring herself through her developmental lags and act her true age.
Although I should have known better by now, I was still surprised when Georgie learned to ride a bicycle in 5 minutes. I realized how impossible this simple activity would have been before we came to Switzerland. She would not have been interested, and we could not have trusted her to obey the laws, concentrate on what she was doing, or learn how to do it in the first place.
Georgie's teacher suggested we have her IQ tested since on the last report it was only 75.
The woman who was to administer the test was overtly hostile. She said, "This is a child with many problems, and I have never heard of this Doctor Berard." Here we go again.
When the test was over, the woman evaluated it and said, "It seems very odd, but her IQ appears to have risen from 75 to 97." I caught Georgie's eye and we started grinning at each other. The woman rattled on, "But I do not understand this, and it is really not important, as this child has many learning problems." Ignoring Georgie and directing her comments to me, she frowned, looked down, and shook her head as she spoke, acting as if Georgie was a brick wall and not a sensitive 11-year-old. "What you are doing here with her is dangerous."
Georgie turned 12, and Peter's work permit came through. This meant we could definitely stay in Switzerland. I decided to enroll her in a day camp at the International School.
Georgie loved day camp. She liked being with so many other English speaking kids, she thought the swimming was fun, and she particularly liked the crafts, at which she was very accomplished.
After 2 weeks I asked how she was adjusting, and when they told me she was doing just fine, I asked if I could have it in writing. One of the councilors wrote a brief report and handed it to me with a quizzical look, especially when I clutched it like The Holy Grail. It was Georgie's records that were holding her back, not Georgie herself. She had not been crazy - just crazed.
"Look mom", she said excitedly. "Look at all the colors in this."
"It looks like a grayish-white fleck of something to me." She looked crestfallen.
"It is a fleck", she said. "It is dandruff. Can't you see the colors?"
She saw like an eagle. This must have been why she was so fascinated with people's hair. Memories flooded back of her looking overwhelmed in her stroller, seeing sunsets and squinting. What was fun for other children was overwhelming for her. In school she must have had sensory overload to the point where concentration was impossible. It was a tribute to her determination that she learned anything at all.
I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever in public school, other than how to hate. But it was not due to my hyper-sensitivities; it was because they intentionally withheld education from me. I was a genius but forbidden to learn what I was interested in.
She said, "Dogs and cats, and smells like deodorant and after-shave, they smell so strong to me I cannot stand it, and perfume drives me nuts. I cannot understand why people wear perfume, and I can smell hand lotion from the next room."
"If you do not like animals, how come you like seals and bugs?"
"Because they do not smell. And I liked the sounds seals made - it did not bother me the way dogs yapping and cats meowing did."
"You did not want to imitate people, but you could do a perfect imitation of a seal. And you kept barking like a seal because you were trying to tell us something, but we could not begin to understand.
Am I understanding it right then that you can cope with the problems with the way you see, smell, and taste, and how your skin feels, because the sound is under control? That is what gives you a handle on the rest?"
"The sound was the only thing that drove me crazy because I got scared of all the tornadoes and hurricanes, and the sound was going all the time. It was hard to get away from it. With the other things I could look down, or walk away. But I could always hear the blood in my veins, and my breathing."
We arrived for our interview, the director of admissions put us instantly at ease. They did not request her previous records, and I did not offer them. Not only was she going to have a chance at an excellent education, but she would become bi-lingual in the process.
Georgie loved the school. Was working hard on her French, and was commuting on the bus and trolley on her own.
When I asked the teacher how she was doing, he gave me a look of friendly reproach.
"I have no problem with your daughter", he said. "Only with you" [for apparently being a pest]. He went on to tell me that she was doing extremely well, that she was bright, well-organized, hard-working, and that the other children liked her. She was expected to finish her intensive French on schedule, and would go into the Sixth Grade in January.
Among the books I had brought with us to Switzerland was The Handbook of Special Education, a standard reference for schools offering Special Education in the USA. I was all too familiar with it's contents. When I got home, I found it in the bookcase, and holding it carefully in both hands, I walked over to the waste-basket and dropped it in.
By January Georgie was fluent in French and had a B average.
Georgie turns 13.
Since the sound of the surf no longer disturbed her, she became an expert body-surfer.
Georgie turns 14.
Peter started to teach her Backgammon, expecting the task would require all his patience because her PSAT math score was so low. Instead, Georgie became such a crack player, within two weeks she beat him so badly and consistently that his sportsmanship was called into question.
They move back to New York. They have all their possessions shipped over, but the ship is caught in a horrible storm and almost sinks, thus they throw the shipping containers overboard, saving the ship. It is horrible that they lost all their possessions, but along with them went the collective records of Georgie's history! Thus ...
Georgie applied to the High School of Art and Design, a public vocational art school with full high-school curriculum. When asked for her records, I said "Well, they sank!"
Her only current record was with her doctor, and his only remarks were thet her health was fine, and that she had a history of a hearing disorder, corrected successfully in 1977.
When they asked me about her history prior to 1977, I told them she had gone to public school in New York (which was true, I just did not say it was Special Education).
She gets into that school.
Going underground with Georgie's history of Autism was the most intelligent concession to reality we ever made. As a "normal" teenager she was able to run with her assets without interference, and was on the Honor Roll by the first marking period. I was told she was a teacher's dream.
Because of her reserved manner, she was not the center of a popular group, but formed a few close and solid friendships. One of her friends came skiing with us almost every weekend, and Georgie had the patience to teach her to ski.
Georgie lent new meaning to the phrase "having an ear for languages". She signed up for Spanish, German, and French, excelling in all of them, as well as the studio art courses that would help her get into art school.
Georgie and [her real father] Bill looked alike. Their closeness made me glad I had restrained myself from ostracizing (or murdering) him while she was growing up. Although their relationship was minimal in intensity, at least it was in place as father and daughter, and there was love between them. When she went to see him, he [a professional artist himself] always took time to examine her work, following her growth as an artist with deep interest. He said her dexterity was uncanny, and that she had the eye of a painter who had been working for 20 years.
Georgie graduates High School and goes to college. Since Georgie was on the Dean's List since the first marking period, she was able to take her junior year abroad in Italy. She came home fluent in Italian, even though her roommates were American and all her courses were in English.
She would receive the Regents Honor Award, the most prestigious academic award in the University.
When she came home for the summer, she got a job working for a fundraising organization which lobbied for legislature benefiting the environment. She went door-to-door asking for money. She worked on commission and did well, enjoying the contact with the people she met.
I find this the most astonishing aspect of this whole story. Autistics cannot tolerate people, especially in this door-to-door type of scenario, face-to-face with strangers. This proves to me thet she was in fact cured of Autism. Even though at this point she is apparently still eating Gluten and Casein.
My hearing was never so sensitive thet the sound of my own blood pumping was disturbing to me. But my hearing never turns off when I am asleep, and I was utterly incapable of tolerating 1 second in public school because it was always painfully noisy - and even though today my hearing has become slightly more tolerant, I still hate florescent lights and sunlight (I must wear brown anti-glare filters).
And my parents were Jehovah's Witnesses, thus requiring me to go door-to-door talking to the infantile and the brain-dead, trying to convince them to read the Bible. It was so painful and anxiety-producing, and I just wanted to literally scream in all their faces for merely existing.
Georgie was absolutely cured simply by having her hearing adjusted! It amazes me.
I was never as damaged as she was, but I cannot even imagine thet I will ever be as repaired as she is. It boggles my mind.
The centers in the brain which filters sensory input is where the problem lay. Through autopsies, abnormalities had been discerned which accounted for the excess, insufficient, and distorted stimuli experienced by Autistic people.
Thus far, the most useful methods of treatment are behavior modification, which helps over 80% of the children, and high-dosage vitamin B6 and Magnesium, shown to be helpful in 40%.
I have tremendous faith in ingestables. Drinking MMS and taking vitamin A and D3 have given me much improvement.
Magnesium deficiency is the cause of Restless Leg Syndrome (uncontrollable squirmy muscles), which I get every time I go camping (apparently caused by me eating mostly canned food when camping), thus suggesting thet I will always need to take supplemental doses of that in particular (even when I am home eating fresh food). I have known for most of my life thet I cannot get enough Vitamin C (possibly due to my type O blood), so I always take at least 3,500% of the RDA of that, without which my gums bleed.
Anyway, the point is that in my case the Autistic gut is as much of a problem for me as the Autistic brain. Though I hope to get my hearing adjusted since CAPD is my worst symptom, I will start by experimenting with every possible thing I can swallow. The GF/CF Diet has already changed my life.
See my diary on the AIT page.
Phillip Ney wrote several papers in which he proposed that hyper-acute hearing might be a cause, and not just a symptom, of some forms of Autism. In Georgie's case, he was obviously correct (though she still has abnormal hyper-acuteness in all her senses). Today she is apparently a very well-adjusted Asperger, clearly demonstrating 1 of my most obvious symptoms, Hyperlexia, resulting in me being obsessed with writing, while she is fluent in 5 languages!
Today Georgie is in her late 40s. I wonder what she has been up to.
So I Googled Georgiana Stehli and discovered these: The Audio Integration Institute, operated by Annabel herself, at www.AITinstitute.org, and The Georgiana Institute, operated by Georgie, at www.TheGeorgiannaInstitute.org.
Then I got an E-mail from Annabel Stehli:
Did you know Sound of a Miracle got a starred review in Library Journal and Booklist when it was published in hardcover by Doubleday in 1991? This very special praise meant that the public library would purchase the book. It is still in print and in the libraries all these years later.
A correction to your review: I am not affiliated with the AIT Institute. I am the Director of The Georgiana Institute, Inc, a non-profit organization. Georgie does not work for the Institute although she gives talks under its aegis. She is a professional caricaturist with her own business, established in 1988 when she graduated (Magna Cum Laude) from Hartford Art School, the University of Hartford, with her BFA. She also works as an arts and crafts counselor in a Boys and Girls Club after school program in Oregon, where she lives with her husband and their daughter. In 2000 she published her own memoir, Overcoming Autism by Georgiana Thomas (her married name). It can be ordered for $20 plus shipping by E-mailing her at nipponon@yahoo.com
I will be reviewing this book soon.
Georgiana has this to say: There is some discussion of the extra-sensory capabilities of Autistic people. Telepathy, for example, a little understood but common ability in Autistic individuals, is seldom mentioned or validated in the professional community.
I can read minds, communicate telepathically, leave my body, etc. This is commonly recognized in "Indigo Children". According to all definitions I am an "Indigo Child". According to all definitions I am also Autistic. See my reviews of the books Living in an Indigo House and The Indigo Survival Guide, wherein it is proven there is no such thing as a First Wave Indigo, there are only undiagnosed Aspergers.
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by Annabel Stehli
This is a very good book which tells an infuriating story.
Back in the early 60s Annabel got married and had 2 kids. The first child (Dotsie) developed Leukemia, and the second (Georgie) was born Autistic.
Back then, the medical profession was even more useless than it is today - specifically concerning the Autism, they had no clue, other than Bettelheim's asinine theory thet Autism was caused by "refrigerator mothers". Poor Annabel takes her child to every "specialist" available, only to be told spitefully, and in some cases with outright viciousness, thet she is obviously an unfit mother and Autism is all her fault. Several times while reading this horrible story I was provoked into wanting to shoot some doctor in the head.
In Georgie's case, the Autism was apparently caused by her placenta repeatedly detaching from the uterus.
It never ceases to surprise me thet in every Autism book I read, the cause of the Autism for that particular child is different from what caused it in the kid from the previous book. How can so many different causes have the same effect?
I could put my fingers in my mouth and make munching noises but there was never any response. I felt helpless and frustrated as well as mystified, and only hoped that she would talk when she was ready. After all, she was not even 2 yet.
Meanwhile she had her strengths. In addition to her mixing and stirring capabilities, she never dropped things, and could have complete charge of a glass measuring cup. She never fell down or hurt herself either, always maintaining her stance on the step-stool without wavering. She seemed to have a phenomenal sense of balance.
She was always completely absorbed in cooking and baking until I got out the electric beater. Then she would climb down and leave the kitchen, retreat to the far side of the living room, where she would get down on her hands and knees and rock back and forth, back and forth, staring strait ahead. When I turned off the beater, she would stop her rocking and come back into the kitchen.
I felt depending on God was an insult to my self-reliance.
My feelings of inadequacy as a mother were multiplied [when Bettelheim came out with his Freudian bullshit book The Empty Fortress]. To quote: "Autistic children are those who, for no known organic reason, have failed to develop a personality, and ego-sense that can operate in relation to the real experience." It described the condition as "one of the severest forms of childhood Schizophrenia, an illness, even a suicide, of the soul." It went on to state that infants choose to be Autistic: "Some kind of choice seems apparent in the Autistic child's rigid and complexly defended withdrawal from effective relations with other people and the world." Bettelheim said that whenever he and his staff were able to penetrate an Autistic child's defenses, they found "hatred, extreme and explosive. And behind that hatred was always the longing, eternally thwarted, but nevertheless not given up; a longing now deeply encapsulated in repression so as to keep it from coming to awareness in unbearable pain. The hatred and longing stem from extreme frustration in the mother/infant relationship which result in the infant's conviction that it can have no effect upon its environment. This conviction is absolutely shattering, for only through repeated and satisfying experiences of its effect upon its surroundings, started from birth, can an infant develop a personality, a sense of 'I'."
Though it is true thet Floor Time helps, it is also true thet, in the classic case of neglectful Russian orphanages wherein the children were simply warehoused with no interaction with anyone at all, the children would cry constantly and desperately cling to any adult who showed up. Their frantic desperation for contact and bonding suggest thet a "refrigerator mother" would actually produce the opposite of an Autistic. Bettelheim could not be any more wrong.
She was easily amused, basically only interested in food and sleep, and she did not talk. She would not look at you and seemed to have no loyalty. Anyone could feed her, take care of her, hold her, put her to bed, get her up - she did not seem to discriminate at all among caretakers. She had never cried when I went out, and had never been glad to see me. Increasingly I blamed myself, thinking I must have failed her in some way.
By now her husband Bill too was feeling like a failure: Neither one of us seemed to have much self-esteem, and this was re-enforced by his family who thought we were both failures. Bill had not made enough money, and I was not chic enough, and did not try to hide my intelligence like a "sensible female."
At the age of two, Georgie loved building extremely elaborate card houses, and was on a grown up level in her ability to construct them.
Then 4 year old Dotsie was diagnosed with Leukemia.
Meanwhile her best friend and Husband have an affair: When I told Bill he would have to either give her up or get out, I fully expected him to end the relationship. But leave he did. His parting words were, "I cannot live a lie anymore."
Live a lie? Didn't he care about us at all? And didn't he realize he was like a fireman leaving his own burning house? I could never forgive either of them for their betrayal. I felt I was being left for dead.
Georgie deteriorated that summer, her symptoms becoming exaggerated and more bizarre. At the zoo she could not take her eyes off the seals, and suddenly began to imitate them. She looked like she wanted to merge with them. The wonder of it was that she imitated them so perfectly. I could not understand why she would not imitate human noises and begin to talk.
The new apartment seemed to throw Georgie completely. She would endlessly line up her little colored pegboard pegs in long rows across the room. She began to spin in one specific corner, standing there with her eyes rolling up in her head and her hands clamped to her sides. She would spin for half an hour at a time, making a soft eerie warbling sound.
Dr Small probably thought it was therapeutically-advantagious to forgo the barrier of his desk. "There is no question in my mind that your daughter is disturbed. She is an Autistic child, and she is Retarded."
But if she was Retarded, then why was she able to tie her shoes when she was barely two?
Dr Small looked exasperated, and ignored my question. "She is obviously Retarded and low functioning, and a great deal of it is due to the fact that you" - he looked right at me - "have avoided contact with her."
The bus rolled to the curb and I nudged the girls up the steps, turning to say goodbye to Bill. He grabbed my arm, looked at me pointedly, and said, "Let Dotsie die, institutionalize Georgie, and get on with your life."
The noises caused Georgie actual pain, and yet we never knew which ones would and which ones would not. She could stand the subway, and the bus did not faze her, and yet a puffing sound that was barely audible drove her to distraction. It made no sense.
Meanwhile Dotsie, in the last stages of Leukimia, comes down with Pneumonia for the 4th time - while in the hospital!
Annabel eventually did put Georgie in an Institution, where she would Stim violently, attack other children, an slam herself against screened windows. But when she came home for the weekends, she was her typical utterly-detached, silent, artistically-ingenious self. This "multiple personality" behavior the Doctors used to "prove" she was "Schizophrenic."
Annabel gets sick of these morons and takes Georgie out of the Institution - to which they responded by again declaring that she is an unfit mother for "negligently" withdrawing her from "therapy".
Meanwhile Dotsie's cancer "treatments" were killing her faster than the cancer, so she took her home from the hospital. From this the doctors again declared she was a criminally-negligent unfit mother, and demanded thet she come in for a "consultation":
He was seated behind a large empty desk, his face a mask of objective indifference. I remained standing like a prisoner brought before the warden. "How do you feel about the deepest part of yourself?" he inquired, as if I were beneath contempt. I bristled at the implication.
"I have a few questions along those lines about the doctors here, as a matter of fact", I surprised myself by saying.
"You have questions about the doctors here?" He looked pale and unhealthy as if he lived underground. I decided to shift the blame, and launched into an attack I had been wanting to unleash for months:
"I think it must take a special kind of doctor to work here. First they give you false, overly negative information about how long they think your child is going to live. Then they bombard the kids with experimental drugs and use them as guinea pigs. A lot of the procedures are painful and some of them are downright barbaric. One of the doctors told me he had been counseled to build as thick a shell as possible. He was criticized for showing compassion - for being Human! How do you think the doctors feel about the deepest parts of themselves? That is the question you should be asking. I came to Sloan-Kettering for the best care for my daughter, and instead you give her drugs with horrible side-effects, and most of them do not work anyway. You do not even expect them to work. You cannot blame me for trying something else. The hematologist at Brooklyn Hospital warned me not to come here, she knew it was demoralizing and depressing. I wish I had listened to her. Oh, and to answer your question, I like the deepest part of myself, thank you, and I have fought hard for my daughter's life.
"Yes, well, that is very good." He cleared his throat and stood up to signal the end of our session.
Dotsie got sicker anyway. So she was taken back to the hospital to die.
"She is really sick", I said. "With the side-effects more than the illness. When are you going to stop giving her new drugs?"
"I cannot do that, you know that. We have a course of treatments we have to follow, and we cannot make changes."
"Come on", I said. "How can you be so scientific and cold-blooded about it? Why do you have to push things to the bitter end?"
"You have to understand, that is what we do here. And also that a doctor's job is to keep people alive no matter what it takes. Once we lose sight of that, we are in a gray area that is impossible to deal with from a legal standpoint, if not a moral one."
"I do understand that. But what about a good death? Why do you prolong everybody's agony? For your precious research? And so you can feel you did all you could for your medical ego at the patient's expense? You call that Ethics? My daughter hurts from these drugs, do you understand that? Is everybody under orders to extend the lives of these children no matter how much pain you are causing them? Isn't there a such thing as a merciful release?" He looked at me pleadingly and turned to go, but I grabbed his sleeve.
"I am not letting you off the hook", I said. "We have co-operated. You know my ambivalence about using these kids for research, and Dotsie has done her bit for humanity, okay? A year ago she was one of the first kids to be blitzed by those four major drugs you gave her all at once, and you learned something. And thanks to her it is working now for others. Isn't that enough of a contribution? She has been on how many other drugs? Ten? How about the one where you made the ten scratches in a grid pattern on her arm and rubbed the medicine in?" He flinched. The doctor was hearing me finally, and he stopped trying to run.
"She is extremely weak and uncomfortable, and the ulcers are making it hard for her to eat." He looked down and sighed. "Okay. 5HP will be the last drug. But we will have to finish the course of treatment."
She had been on the critical list for almost three weeks when I went to see her.
"Hi Dotsie." I said.
"Hi, Mommy." Her voice was soft, almost a whisper. "I feel awful."
"I know, sweetheart. Do you want to come sit in my lap for a while?"
"Okay." She struggled to sit up.
"Don't move. I will get you." I reached under her and lifted her up in my arms.
We were just cuddling and relaxing together.
Suddenly she grasped the right side of her head, and turned to look straight at me. She said in a clear voice, "Mommy, I have had it." She lost consciousness and slumped against me. I laid her down gently and covered her up.
The nurse examined her and said she was in a coma.
I used a litany of meditation over the next three days, and it cleared my mind, comforted me, and gave me a handle on the terrible mixture of pain and relief I was feeling. On March 9th Dotsie died.
The next day I wallpapered Georgie's bathroom with a benign jungle scene designed for children, with cute little monkeys and adorable tigers. When Georgie took her bath that night, she looked like a little wild child at home in her own special universe. It was important to me, regardless of her deficiencies, that I allow her the dignity of her own special place in that universe, and have faith that she would have her own special place in it. I looked at her right where she was, allowing her to be who she was rather than who I thought she should be. It was a good feeling - a feeling of letting go.
Out at the beach, Georgie took swimming lessons from a woman who had been teaching for 40 years. Although she was baffled by Georgie, she was so patient and proficient that she managed to teach her how to swim. She said Georgie was not able to follow directions, and learned only by trial and error.
This is so me, and very typical of most Autistics.
The link between Autism and childhood Schizophrenia would later be disproven, but at the time it was the prevailing theory. Coupled with Bettelheim's theory of "refrigerator mothers", mom-bashing was the game of choice for mental health professionals - most of whom had been attracted to the profession in the first place because of "difficulties" with their own mothers. With my egocentricity and self-destructive tendencies, my attraction to guilt and blame, I was a natural for that particular bandwagon. It would have taken a miracle to allow it to pass me by.
"Well, she plays monster too roughly, and if she does not get her own way, she hits and kicks until people leave her alone. If she thinks the TV is too loud she yells and swears, using unbelievable language. In class she cannot concentrate and says when it is windy outside that the building is going to fall down. She literally hears things that are not there. It is good that she is in touch with the hatred and anger she has never dared to express at home. She feels safe doing that here, and that is a good sign." I was also told she was obsessed with violence and gore and entertained herself with violent fantasies. When she found a doll she would try to destroy it, behavior they found extremely significant and indicative of her hatred of people, engendered by my rejection of her.
Annabel gets re-married to a wonderful Swiss man named Peter, and has another (Normal) baby.
We put her on skis, and she caught on amazingly quickly. But they said Georgie was "counter-phobic", that it was all bravado and really quite dangerous, we should keep her off the ski-slopes for her own protection, instead of what we were doing which was tantamount to negligence. We treated this piece of Freudian hogwash as gospel, kowtowing to the "experts".
I still could not label her insane, no matter how much they counseled me and insisted that accepting it was the only healthy attitude. It seemed to me that she was reacting appropriately within the realm of her perception, and simply marching to an extremely different drummer. Otherwise she could not have behaved as well as she did, at least at home.
We took Georgie to a secluded area of the park, and when Gail asked her if she could pray for her, Georgie agreed. Gail anointed her head with oil, and then we both put our hands on her shoulders and prayed.
The next day they called, wanting to know what had happened to Georgie. They said she had been unusually hyper-active during her session, and that afterward she had been proselytizing to anyone who would listen, talking about God and Jesus, and Christ in her heart. "Now you have added religious mania to her many other problems", they said. "Georgie's treatment conference is coming up, and you and Peter are expected to be there to discuss this issue."
They said there was no way Georgie could live at home and go to a day-school. She was much too low-functioning, vulnerable, and dangerous to be able to handle it, and they would be irresponsible and derelict in their duty if they so much as considered it. They insisted that inpatient residential treatment was the only possible choice for her, and told me I was living in a dream-world. The pediatrician agreed, "You do not want an Autistic child living at home when you have a baby!"
Now Georgie was to be relegated to a pretty village for the mentally handicapped where she would weave baskets until she died.
Now Georgie is 11 years old.
Dr Wuarin explained to me that she had personally witnessed the recovery of many children as a result of having their hearing corrected, and once this symptom was relieved they were able to concentrate, learn, and slough off their remaining inappropriate behaviors because basic communication became enjoyable for the first time. She said a doctor in France could train Georgie's hearing so that the ocean did not sound like a tidal wave anymore.
He was going deaf himself many years ago, but cured his deafness by playing music on the frequencies where his hearing was inadequate. He found his hearing adjusted and became more acute.
He also learned it was useful in reverse, for people whose hearing was too loud. This treatment has been successful, and a large part of his practice for 20 years has been the treatment of children with hyper-audition.
He will play music, rather loudly, at all frequencies except those which cause her discomfort, and her hearing will adjust.
"Are you afraid of the ocean because it sounds like a tidal wave to you?"
"Yes", she said.
"I do not hear it the same way you do. It does not sound like a tidal-wave to me. It sounds good. In fact it calms me down. You have a physical problem Georgie. There is something wrong with your hearing."
"I thought everyone heard it that way and just coped with it better than me."
"You were just reacting to the noise the way you did because it sounded so much louder to you. There is a doctor who can train you to hear normally."
"You mean I am not crazy?"
I started to cry.
The doctors continued to insist that Georgie was insane and the mother was deluded (because she is to blame).
"You know she has manifested unmanageable behaviors here. You know she tried to throw herself out the window."
The window was covered with mesh, and besides, her reaction was sound-related. She told me that the radios and the television were blaring, and that noise was deafening for her. She was not allowed to turn down the volume, and no one would let her go to her room because she had to "work on her socialization."
This is my life exactly. See what I said above about the "office scenario"; I am crazy because you will not shut up? You are the problem! As they say, "You do not suffer from Asperger's Syndrome - you suffer from other people."
I got word from Georgie's father Bill that the doctors were so concerned about our decision that they wanted him to stop us at the airport if we tried to leave the country with Georgie.
"I agree with what you are doing", he said. Another victory!
"So much of Dyslexia in many cases is related to hearing; it is not only visual. That she says b for v is an indication, and once she has the treatment, you may see a big change in the way she can read." He pointed to the peaks on the graph. "This is very acute. She hears far too well on these frequencies and this has made her very uncomfortable, in fact it causes her pain."
After 5 days of treatment, Dr Berard did another audiogram of Georgie's hearing. "It is working" he said. "We are getting excellent results. Her behavior will gradually change, you will see, she will become less rigid, and you will be able to direct her more. She will get some life in her voice. Of course you must understand that she is going to feel some anger. She is going to feel that she has been under water for 11 years, and someone has decided finally to pull her up. That somebody is you." He looked at me raising his eyebrows as if to say, Watch out!
Georgie suddenly came up to us as we sat in the living room. "Can I go out and play?" she asked.
"Why would you want to go out? It is dark and wet out there."
"The storm does not sound like a machine-gun any more" she said.
"Go!" we said.
Peter and I stood there, tears streaming down our faces, as we watched Georgie dancing in the rain.
She told me she was much more comfortable, that she no longer heard street noises 3 blocks away, or people flushing toilets at the other end of the building, or the blood rushing in her veins. She had not been able to blow out the candles on her birthday cake because the sound of blowing had been so disturbing. "It sounded like monsters", she said. People's breathing had upset her. I was intrigued to learn that she spent so much time out in the woods because the leaves "clacked" when they rustled, like castanets.
"On windy days I could not concentrate at all. I was sure we would all be blown away. That is why I was so afraid of cyclones and tornadoes and hurricanes. And floods ... Every time it rained I was afraid it would flood."
She said she had had so much trouble learning to talk because she had not liked the sound of people's voices, and had trouble hearing certain sounds.; e.g., "yes" sounded like "less." Georgie said that Bellevue was quiet, and when they taught her words, she could hear them, even though one of her biggest problems had been the sound of her own circulation.
There are a lot of Aspergers (diagnosed or not) in the music business. Here is another song about Central Auditory Processing Disorder, Anxiety Attacks, and Memory Deficit Disorder, all of which are symptoms (I have) of Aspergers. It could also be obviously about Georgie:
BLOOD MAKES NOISE (The Georgiana Stehli Theme-song)
by Suzanne Vega
I'd like to help you doctor Yes I really really would
But the din in my head It's too much and it's no good
I'm standing in a windy tunnel Shouting through the roar
And I'd like to give the information you are asking for
But blood makes noise
It's a ringing in my ear
Blood makes noise
And I can't really hear you in the thickening of fear
I think that you might want to know the details and the facts
But there's something in my blood Denies the memory of the acts
So just forget it Doc I think it's really cool that you're concerned
But we will have to try again after the silence has returned
'Cause blood makes noise
It's a ringing in my ear
Blood makes noise
And I can't really hear you in the thickening of fear
I'd like to help you doctor Yes I really really would
But the din in my head It's too much and it's no good
Blood makes noise
It's a ringing in my ear
And I can't really hear you in the thickening of fear
Blood makes noise
Peter's company transfers him to Switzerland. The whole family goes.
Georgie takes a few ski lessons, and with her superior sense of balance immediately surpasses her own instructor.
Now thet Georgie is tremendously better from the Audio Integration Training, they try to put her into a Swiss "International School" were the curriculum was in both English and French.
We were tense. A lot was riding on this, and she visibly braced when the admissions person introduced himself and ushered us into his office. He made us feel decidedly unwelcome as he busied himself with papers on his desk. Although he did not look like a bully, he said, "I have Georgina's records from her residential treatment center in New York. I cannot imagine what you expect us to provide for your daughter. What would you like us to do? Babysit?" This last word was said with such venom that I winced.
I tried to reason with him, educating him to the benefits of Auditory Training.
When I finished, he said, "I have never heard of this doctor. He is virtually unknown to the English speaking community here." I was beginning to learn that this golden ghetto referred to as "The English Speaking Community" was a country within a country, with no easy breaching of boundaries. He said, "I have never heard of Auditory Training either, and certainly not as a treatment for Childhood Schizophrenia."
"But she was Autistic, and all her symptoms are going away" I protested. He glanced at Georgie, as if her rigid posture was testimony to my self-delusion. "You have been irresponsible for bringing this child to Switzerland."
We went home, and Georgie went off skateboarding, knowing that at least in her own neighborhood she was just another kid on the block.
The alternative was the Calvert School in Baltimore, which would send study plans so that we could educate her at home. Georgie was an eager student. She was interested in everything - and especially remarkable were the intricate, accurate maps she produced. I have 10 maps on my walls. Studying them comforts me.
I heard about a small special school where English was spoken. Run by a bright, soft-spoken, English woman, there were only 2 students; one was intelligent but physically limited, the other physically normal but severely Retarded. The teacher said she would be happy to take Georgie for the rest of the year. She would be tutored in almost private lessons by an expert. But the fact that the best we could do for her was this tiny school with such damaged children was disheartening, and I went home with mixed feelings of relief and defeat. Georgie on the other hand was happy about the prospect and had no qualms at all about the condition of her classmates.
Georgie went to school every day and began to catch up fast academically with the combination of her enthusiasm and newfound ability to concentrate. She soaked up knowledge, her memory was infallible, and her teacher raved about her, but she was leery about her being able to cope with a normal school. "She is still so lacking in basic knowledge, and she has never been in an academic situation."
Having become teachable, she was able to bring herself through her developmental lags and act her true age.
Although I should have known better by now, I was still surprised when Georgie learned to ride a bicycle in 5 minutes. I realized how impossible this simple activity would have been before we came to Switzerland. She would not have been interested, and we could not have trusted her to obey the laws, concentrate on what she was doing, or learn how to do it in the first place.
Georgie's teacher suggested we have her IQ tested since on the last report it was only 75.
The woman who was to administer the test was overtly hostile. She said, "This is a child with many problems, and I have never heard of this Doctor Berard." Here we go again.
When the test was over, the woman evaluated it and said, "It seems very odd, but her IQ appears to have risen from 75 to 97." I caught Georgie's eye and we started grinning at each other. The woman rattled on, "But I do not understand this, and it is really not important, as this child has many learning problems." Ignoring Georgie and directing her comments to me, she frowned, looked down, and shook her head as she spoke, acting as if Georgie was a brick wall and not a sensitive 11-year-old. "What you are doing here with her is dangerous."
Georgie turned 12, and Peter's work permit came through. This meant we could definitely stay in Switzerland. I decided to enroll her in a day camp at the International School.
Georgie loved day camp. She liked being with so many other English speaking kids, she thought the swimming was fun, and she particularly liked the crafts, at which she was very accomplished.
After 2 weeks I asked how she was adjusting, and when they told me she was doing just fine, I asked if I could have it in writing. One of the councilors wrote a brief report and handed it to me with a quizzical look, especially when I clutched it like The Holy Grail. It was Georgie's records that were holding her back, not Georgie herself. She had not been crazy - just crazed.
"Look mom", she said excitedly. "Look at all the colors in this."
"It looks like a grayish-white fleck of something to me." She looked crestfallen.
"It is a fleck", she said. "It is dandruff. Can't you see the colors?"
She saw like an eagle. This must have been why she was so fascinated with people's hair. Memories flooded back of her looking overwhelmed in her stroller, seeing sunsets and squinting. What was fun for other children was overwhelming for her. In school she must have had sensory overload to the point where concentration was impossible. It was a tribute to her determination that she learned anything at all.
I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever in public school, other than how to hate. But it was not due to my hyper-sensitivities; it was because they intentionally withheld education from me. I was a genius but forbidden to learn what I was interested in.
She said, "Dogs and cats, and smells like deodorant and after-shave, they smell so strong to me I cannot stand it, and perfume drives me nuts. I cannot understand why people wear perfume, and I can smell hand lotion from the next room."
"If you do not like animals, how come you like seals and bugs?"
"Because they do not smell. And I liked the sounds seals made - it did not bother me the way dogs yapping and cats meowing did."
"You did not want to imitate people, but you could do a perfect imitation of a seal. And you kept barking like a seal because you were trying to tell us something, but we could not begin to understand.
Am I understanding it right then that you can cope with the problems with the way you see, smell, and taste, and how your skin feels, because the sound is under control? That is what gives you a handle on the rest?"
"The sound was the only thing that drove me crazy because I got scared of all the tornadoes and hurricanes, and the sound was going all the time. It was hard to get away from it. With the other things I could look down, or walk away. But I could always hear the blood in my veins, and my breathing."
We arrived for our interview, the director of admissions put us instantly at ease. They did not request her previous records, and I did not offer them. Not only was she going to have a chance at an excellent education, but she would become bi-lingual in the process.
Georgie loved the school. Was working hard on her French, and was commuting on the bus and trolley on her own.
When I asked the teacher how she was doing, he gave me a look of friendly reproach.
"I have no problem with your daughter", he said. "Only with you" [for apparently being a pest]. He went on to tell me that she was doing extremely well, that she was bright, well-organized, hard-working, and that the other children liked her. She was expected to finish her intensive French on schedule, and would go into the Sixth Grade in January.
Among the books I had brought with us to Switzerland was The Handbook of Special Education, a standard reference for schools offering Special Education in the USA. I was all too familiar with it's contents. When I got home, I found it in the bookcase, and holding it carefully in both hands, I walked over to the waste-basket and dropped it in.
By January Georgie was fluent in French and had a B average.
Georgie turns 13.
Since the sound of the surf no longer disturbed her, she became an expert body-surfer.
Georgie turns 14.
Peter started to teach her Backgammon, expecting the task would require all his patience because her PSAT math score was so low. Instead, Georgie became such a crack player, within two weeks she beat him so badly and consistently that his sportsmanship was called into question.
They move back to New York. They have all their possessions shipped over, but the ship is caught in a horrible storm and almost sinks, thus they throw the shipping containers overboard, saving the ship. It is horrible that they lost all their possessions, but along with them went the collective records of Georgie's history! Thus ...
Georgie applied to the High School of Art and Design, a public vocational art school with full high-school curriculum. When asked for her records, I said "Well, they sank!"
Her only current record was with her doctor, and his only remarks were thet her health was fine, and that she had a history of a hearing disorder, corrected successfully in 1977.
When they asked me about her history prior to 1977, I told them she had gone to public school in New York (which was true, I just did not say it was Special Education).
She gets into that school.
Going underground with Georgie's history of Autism was the most intelligent concession to reality we ever made. As a "normal" teenager she was able to run with her assets without interference, and was on the Honor Roll by the first marking period. I was told she was a teacher's dream.
Because of her reserved manner, she was not the center of a popular group, but formed a few close and solid friendships. One of her friends came skiing with us almost every weekend, and Georgie had the patience to teach her to ski.
Georgie lent new meaning to the phrase "having an ear for languages". She signed up for Spanish, German, and French, excelling in all of them, as well as the studio art courses that would help her get into art school.
Georgie and [her real father] Bill looked alike. Their closeness made me glad I had restrained myself from ostracizing (or murdering) him while she was growing up. Although their relationship was minimal in intensity, at least it was in place as father and daughter, and there was love between them. When she went to see him, he [a professional artist himself] always took time to examine her work, following her growth as an artist with deep interest. He said her dexterity was uncanny, and that she had the eye of a painter who had been working for 20 years.
Georgie graduates High School and goes to college. Since Georgie was on the Dean's List since the first marking period, she was able to take her junior year abroad in Italy. She came home fluent in Italian, even though her roommates were American and all her courses were in English.
She would receive the Regents Honor Award, the most prestigious academic award in the University.
When she came home for the summer, she got a job working for a fundraising organization which lobbied for legislature benefiting the environment. She went door-to-door asking for money. She worked on commission and did well, enjoying the contact with the people she met.
I find this the most astonishing aspect of this whole story. Autistics cannot tolerate people, especially in this door-to-door type of scenario, face-to-face with strangers. This proves to me thet she was in fact cured of Autism. Even though at this point she is apparently still eating Gluten and Casein.
My hearing was never so sensitive thet the sound of my own blood pumping was disturbing to me. But my hearing never turns off when I am asleep, and I was utterly incapable of tolerating 1 second in public school because it was always painfully noisy - and even though today my hearing has become slightly more tolerant, I still hate florescent lights and sunlight (I must wear brown anti-glare filters).
And my parents were Jehovah's Witnesses, thus requiring me to go door-to-door talking to the infantile and the brain-dead, trying to convince them to read the Bible. It was so painful and anxiety-producing, and I just wanted to literally scream in all their faces for merely existing.
Georgie was absolutely cured simply by having her hearing adjusted! It amazes me.
I was never as damaged as she was, but I cannot even imagine thet I will ever be as repaired as she is. It boggles my mind.
The centers in the brain which filters sensory input is where the problem lay. Through autopsies, abnormalities had been discerned which accounted for the excess, insufficient, and distorted stimuli experienced by Autistic people.
Thus far, the most useful methods of treatment are behavior modification, which helps over 80% of the children, and high-dosage vitamin B6 and Magnesium, shown to be helpful in 40%.
I have tremendous faith in ingestables. Drinking MMS and taking vitamin A and D3 have given me much improvement.
Magnesium deficiency is the cause of Restless Leg Syndrome (uncontrollable squirmy muscles), which I get every time I go camping (apparently caused by me eating mostly canned food when camping), thus suggesting thet I will always need to take supplemental doses of that in particular (even when I am home eating fresh food). I have known for most of my life thet I cannot get enough Vitamin C (possibly due to my type O blood), so I always take at least 3,500% of the RDA of that, without which my gums bleed.
Anyway, the point is that in my case the Autistic gut is as much of a problem for me as the Autistic brain. Though I hope to get my hearing adjusted since CAPD is my worst symptom, I will start by experimenting with every possible thing I can swallow. The GF/CF Diet has already changed my life.
See my diary on the AIT page.
Phillip Ney wrote several papers in which he proposed that hyper-acute hearing might be a cause, and not just a symptom, of some forms of Autism. In Georgie's case, he was obviously correct (though she still has abnormal hyper-acuteness in all her senses). Today she is apparently a very well-adjusted Asperger, clearly demonstrating 1 of my most obvious symptoms, Hyperlexia, resulting in me being obsessed with writing, while she is fluent in 5 languages!
Today Georgie is in her late 40s. I wonder what she has been up to.
So I Googled Georgiana Stehli and discovered these: The Audio Integration Institute, operated by Annabel herself, at www.AITinstitute.org, and The Georgiana Institute, operated by Georgie, at www.TheGeorgiannaInstitute.org.
Then I got an E-mail from Annabel Stehli:
Did you know Sound of a Miracle got a starred review in Library Journal and Booklist when it was published in hardcover by Doubleday in 1991? This very special praise meant that the public library would purchase the book. It is still in print and in the libraries all these years later.
A correction to your review: I am not affiliated with the AIT Institute. I am the Director of The Georgiana Institute, Inc, a non-profit organization. Georgie does not work for the Institute although she gives talks under its aegis. She is a professional caricaturist with her own business, established in 1988 when she graduated (Magna Cum Laude) from Hartford Art School, the University of Hartford, with her BFA. She also works as an arts and crafts counselor in a Boys and Girls Club after school program in Oregon, where she lives with her husband and their daughter. In 2000 she published her own memoir, Overcoming Autism by Georgiana Thomas (her married name). It can be ordered for $20 plus shipping by E-mailing her at nipponon@yahoo.com
I will be reviewing this book soon.
Georgiana has this to say: There is some discussion of the extra-sensory capabilities of Autistic people. Telepathy, for example, a little understood but common ability in Autistic individuals, is seldom mentioned or validated in the professional community.
I can read minds, communicate telepathically, leave my body, etc. This is commonly recognized in "Indigo Children". According to all definitions I am an "Indigo Child". According to all definitions I am also Autistic. See my reviews of the books Living in an Indigo House and The Indigo Survival Guide, wherein it is proven there is no such thing as a First Wave Indigo, there are only undiagnosed Aspergers.
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Star Shaped Pegs, Square Holes.
Non-verbal learning disorders and the growing up years.
by Kathy Allen M.A.
Although this book is written for students in Middle and High School, it is intended to be read and understood with the support of a parent or professional.
In every sentence the writer conjoins words, interjects "that" into everything, and misspelled "until" and "okay." Also a few typos.
Chapter 1 is a basic introduction to what Non-verbal learning Disorders are. She explains it with simple examples and analogies.
This written for teenagers who already know they have learning problems; i.e., what to do about it rather than how to recognize it.
Chapter 2 has more examples and analogies helping the reader to recognize past situations thet were hard to deal with, and how that equates to their apparent disorder.
It ends with a list of questions one can ask one’s self to determine what their strengths are:
- When I am with people, when do I feel best? In a small group or large, or only when with one other person?
In a small group who are talking about something educational; e.g., the guys at work all talking about some machine thet broke down and debating how to fix it. Even if I do not participate by speaking myself, I can still learn something educational just by listening. All conversations must be educational, otherwise they are just the bewildering Normals talking without saying anything.
When I am with one other person, it is hard to find something we have in common to talk about.
And when I am in a large croup, like a Zoom meeting, I have to write down everything I wanted to say, because it is hard to break into the conversation. After the meeting I go through my list and write it all out. Then I send it as an E-Mail to the facilitator, and hopefully get a one-on-one conversation out of it.
- Am I more comfortable in a group when things are planned out well (like a Scout or 4-H meeting) and I know what to expect, or can I cope okay in a group with no organization to it (like a group of kids just running around after school)?
When there is a regimented agenda I can sit in silence and just listen. I appreciate there is a list they are following.
- When I have had a good friend, what has that friend been like? What did I especially like about them?
My only friends have been pen-pals, because only then do I have the chance to write out everything I wanted to say (me having difficulty word-finding in real time). The thing thet makes them a good friend is thet they take the time to write out their response too, thus demonstrating they were listening. I am a very good listener. That is what makes me a good friend. If my pen-pal just yammers on without responding to what I specifically said in my letter to them, then they were not listening, and that is not a good friend.
The reason the Brony Community is 75% Autistic is because the Ponies are first and foremost fiercely loyal. The Normals only talk in gossip. It is always bull-shit they just made up, and usually malicious. I hate them, for they are incapable of loyalty. If I tell them anything about myself, they immediately gossip about it, always embellishing the story into something horrible. This compulsive betrayal of my trust is what makes them terrible people.
- When kids have given me a hard time, have they ever said why they do not like me?
No. It is always just brainless bullying because I was there. It usually did not have anything to do with me personally, they were just pathetic victims of Democracy obsessed with finding a Witch to burn.
- When friendships have been good, why did things work out well?
My current best friend (read: only friend) is an E-Mail pen-pal I have had for years. She is a loud Italian, and I am a passionate Aries. We get a kick out of each other because neither of us have taboo subjects. And we never talk to anyone else about what each other have said; i.e., we trust each other to keep our private conversations private. We have Loyalty.
- When I have had a good group experience, what was it like? Why was it good?
The only time I have had anything good happen with a group is when I had a band. The only part of the relationship thet I liked was after we had learned the songs and had polished them to perfection, then we played them together, and the performance was perfect. I loved that. The creativity and the perfectionism. Which people were involved was not necessarily relevant.
But do not just study yourself. Noticing all you can about people at school who are "social superstars" can be a useful thing. Try to see how they stand, talk, what eye-contact they use, and how they look when they are listening and talking.
The problem with this is these people always notice thet Captain Obvious is studying them, onto which they project their vanity or paranoia, thus reacting to me watching them rather than continuing to interact with others.
Especially women. They always assume thet since I am watching them perform as Queen Bee that means I am leering lecherously at them, to which they crank up their female vanity to the point of insanity with a snotty "You wish" attitude … when I had been studying her hand gestures and eye signals, wondering how that form of communication comes so easily to her.
"I know you want me." No I don’t! You are a snotty bitch, and a vain cunt. This anthropologist from Mars is just analyzing you as a guinea pig. Idiot. Get over yourself!
You have your head so far up your ass you fail to recognize thet you are Queen Bee among a group of stupid little girls who look up to you. No males are there. Not even Beta Orbiters. Every man who hears you performing says to himself, "Shut up. Bitch." And you think they all want you. Duuuh.
Chapter 3 cautions about being a trickling stream of information, not a blasting fire hose.
In the mean time, practice in front of a mirror appropriate facial expressions.
It is obvious to me, and many others, thet Belle Delphine spends a lot of time in front of a mirror practicing her cartoonish facial expressions.
Learning what situations which expressions are suited for is important.
And do not be Maud Pie, but do not be Belle Delphine either. Watch how people express their emotions facially, and note how these expressions are amplified or toned down depending on the social situation.
Chapter 4 is What to do about bad handwriting. It offers alternatives to writing, specifically in a public school setting.
She recommends exercising your fingers by playing with Legos, drawing, sewing, etc. Also practice writing in letters 5 inches tall, thus training your gross motor muscles to write, after which you can transfer to the fine motor muscles.
How to organize your thoughts on paper.
How to write a report; specifically how take all the things you want to mention and reduce them down into specific categories, then paragraphs, then sentences. The point being to keep each section as simple as you can handle.
She mentions Susan Setley’s book Taming the Dragon, which is also about writing problems for those with learning difficulties.
She mentions transferring words into colors and shapes: The subject is a white circle. Around it are placed green triangles of the differing points to be made. Red squares are the ways these things connect to each other. Organizing what you want to say into a colorful array of shapes may help you get an visual reference of the ideas and how they interact with each other before you start on the words you want to use.
Also, making clay sculptures of the subject you want to write about gives one a tactile reference for the subject.
Though creating visual and tactile reference-points for words is a good idea, this book has no mention of processing disorders; i.e., she never asks what the learning disabled person who has difficulty writing is actually seeing or feeling.
Helen Irlen invented the concept for Irlen lenses by simply asking Dyslexic people what they saw when they looked at a printed page. She discovered there was nothing wrong with their eyes nor hands. It was their brain’s ability to process visual information thet was faulty.
Irlen lenses filter out the light frequencies the faulty processor cannot interpret. See my Irlen Lenses page.
Visual processing, nor any processing disorders, are not mentioned in this book.
Most the the things mentioned in this book refer to the problems learning disabled children may have in public school. No one mentions the fact the public school system may be the problem, not necessarily the disabled child.
Chapter Five is about Anxiety.
Her recommendations are to first of all eat healthy and get enough exercise. Your physical health effects your emotional responses.
Maintain a mentally and emotionally clean environment. Do not listen to hateful music nor watch violent TV shows.
Includes a list of 4 things thet can help you avoid getting stressed out, including taking a day off on your day off, and having a place for everything and everything in it’s place.
If you have difficulty with handwriting, hire someone to type out your spoken-word report.
Always leave 10 minutes early, thus giving you the time to make mistakes and fix them. And pace yourself, socially.
She relates her experience with over-stimulating herself trying to fit in, while everyone considered her weird. So she stopped trying to fit in, thus got even more rejection. I can relate to the resulting "And fuck you to you too" attitude. If you are not going to accept me, then I am not accepting you either. Fuck 'em.
For me this eventually became Reactive Attachment Disorder. Today I honestly do not care what people think of me, nor am I even able to. I do not understand the point in trying.
Label the problem, and put it into words. But do not do like I did, becoming Twilight Sparkle, overthinking everything and winding herself up into a panic.
For me, Script-walking was very helpful:
At my place of work we have 200 employees. During the Corona fraud, the company provided free Corona shots to anyone who wanted them. 175 of these employees lined up for their chemical lobotomy. The next day 85 of them could not make it to work, in fact they did not even call in sick; i.e., they were not just physically injured by this shot, they were also mentally injured.
I saw it all coming. I was very distraught throughout the week leading up to shot-day. I had made it my responsibility, and then panicked when I could not fix it.
Simply putting it all into words, and then talking it out to my self, helped relieve the anxiety. A week later, I had accepted it and let it go. If you take the Corona shot you are stupid, and I cannot fix stupid, so it is not my responsibility, thus I should not stress out about it.
I was not able to see it coming, and say to myself, "I got this." I always panic.
Also mentioned is, If you have anxiety check to see if it is a medical condition, as opposed to a neurological disorder or emotional disturbance. Chemical imbalances can produce emotional instability.
In a stressful situation, Fight or flight is normal. Anxiety attacks are not.
For some people with anxiety, they will develop obsessive or compulsive behaviors in an attempt to counter-balance the Anxiety, or at least give themselves a place to put the anxiety. This can devolve into an actual disorder involving obsessions or compulsions.
Often these 2 are combined as the label Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, as was done in this book.
I want to make it clear these are 2 separate things thet can exist one without the other. Thus it is wrong to lump them together as a single label. I had a mild case of Obsessive Personality Disorder, but I never had Compulsive Behavior.
I will add thet Fixations are different from Obsessions. Fixated Subject is when your mind goes to and sticks on a specific subject because it feels comforting to dwell upon. Obsession is when your mind goes to and sticks on a subject, and you cannot get off of it, even if you hate it and it makes you uncomfortable.
Fixated Subject is a conscious choice. Obsessions are a mental illness.
Fixations and Obsessions are not mentioned in this book.
When I was a teenager I felt perpetual Anxiety, but only once did I have an actual Panic Attack.
It is easy to confuse an Anxiety Attack with a Panic Attack. Just as it is easy to confuse Bi Polar Disorder with Manic Depression, or Fixations with Obsessions. Understand the difference, what triggers them, and how to alleviate them.
Chapter Six: Lost in Space and Time.
It is easy to get lost in space or time when you have the typical Aspie symptom of Inability to remember a list of more than 2 things.
This book explains the value in Script-walking and Motor Planning to help with memory deficits.
I want to add thet it is easy to confuse script-walking with obsessive list-making. Script-walking is like a Fixation, whereas list-making can become an Obsession.
The famous Carpentry mantra of "Measure twice. Cut once" is a good analogy for how to Script-walk and Motor Plan.
She also recommends interjecting several sensory inputs to help with memory; e.g., when explaining in words a route to take, draw on the person’s back the map of what you are saying. They then get both a physical and audio representation of where they are to go.
Motorcycle Adventure Riding (ADV) is my favorite thing, wherein I use only paper maps. I enjoy cultivating the lost art of map-reading, but I also greatly enjoy exploring space and keeping track on a map where I have been. Learning how to navigate by paper map, and more importantly sun position, was very helpful for me in overcoming the anxiety-producing feeling thet I never know where I am. I still lose my car in a parking-lot often, but since taking up ADV I have become better at guessing the general direction I should go to find it.
Also, when I go on a long motorcycle trip (long in time, not just miles), I never use a clock nor calendar, thus relieving me of worrisome clock-watching.
This point is also made in this book, reminding one’s self to slow down, Script-walk, and Motor Plan.
It also recommends making 3-D maps for tactile reference; i.e., a map you can not only see but also touch. This is the point I was making with my How I Learn lecture; the Gibbontake style of teaching, which includes as many reference-points as possible.
The book ends with a discussion of the coined phrase: "Anything worth doing is worth doing well." Our author disagrees. She suggests anything you enjoy is worth doing, no matter if you can do it well or not. You should enjoy it for it’s own sake, not for the satisfaction of the project being completed to perfection.
The back of the book includes a list of 4 recommended resources, and 8 recommended books.
So all-in-all this was a good book full of basic advice for teenagers struggling to come to terms with themselves concerning their disability.
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Non-verbal learning disorders and the growing up years.
by Kathy Allen M.A.
Although this book is written for students in Middle and High School, it is intended to be read and understood with the support of a parent or professional.
In every sentence the writer conjoins words, interjects "that" into everything, and misspelled "until" and "okay." Also a few typos.
Chapter 1 is a basic introduction to what Non-verbal learning Disorders are. She explains it with simple examples and analogies.
This written for teenagers who already know they have learning problems; i.e., what to do about it rather than how to recognize it.
Chapter 2 has more examples and analogies helping the reader to recognize past situations thet were hard to deal with, and how that equates to their apparent disorder.
It ends with a list of questions one can ask one’s self to determine what their strengths are:
- When I am with people, when do I feel best? In a small group or large, or only when with one other person?
In a small group who are talking about something educational; e.g., the guys at work all talking about some machine thet broke down and debating how to fix it. Even if I do not participate by speaking myself, I can still learn something educational just by listening. All conversations must be educational, otherwise they are just the bewildering Normals talking without saying anything.
When I am with one other person, it is hard to find something we have in common to talk about.
And when I am in a large croup, like a Zoom meeting, I have to write down everything I wanted to say, because it is hard to break into the conversation. After the meeting I go through my list and write it all out. Then I send it as an E-Mail to the facilitator, and hopefully get a one-on-one conversation out of it.
- Am I more comfortable in a group when things are planned out well (like a Scout or 4-H meeting) and I know what to expect, or can I cope okay in a group with no organization to it (like a group of kids just running around after school)?
When there is a regimented agenda I can sit in silence and just listen. I appreciate there is a list they are following.
- When I have had a good friend, what has that friend been like? What did I especially like about them?
My only friends have been pen-pals, because only then do I have the chance to write out everything I wanted to say (me having difficulty word-finding in real time). The thing thet makes them a good friend is thet they take the time to write out their response too, thus demonstrating they were listening. I am a very good listener. That is what makes me a good friend. If my pen-pal just yammers on without responding to what I specifically said in my letter to them, then they were not listening, and that is not a good friend.
The reason the Brony Community is 75% Autistic is because the Ponies are first and foremost fiercely loyal. The Normals only talk in gossip. It is always bull-shit they just made up, and usually malicious. I hate them, for they are incapable of loyalty. If I tell them anything about myself, they immediately gossip about it, always embellishing the story into something horrible. This compulsive betrayal of my trust is what makes them terrible people.
- When kids have given me a hard time, have they ever said why they do not like me?
No. It is always just brainless bullying because I was there. It usually did not have anything to do with me personally, they were just pathetic victims of Democracy obsessed with finding a Witch to burn.
- When friendships have been good, why did things work out well?
My current best friend (read: only friend) is an E-Mail pen-pal I have had for years. She is a loud Italian, and I am a passionate Aries. We get a kick out of each other because neither of us have taboo subjects. And we never talk to anyone else about what each other have said; i.e., we trust each other to keep our private conversations private. We have Loyalty.
- When I have had a good group experience, what was it like? Why was it good?
The only time I have had anything good happen with a group is when I had a band. The only part of the relationship thet I liked was after we had learned the songs and had polished them to perfection, then we played them together, and the performance was perfect. I loved that. The creativity and the perfectionism. Which people were involved was not necessarily relevant.
But do not just study yourself. Noticing all you can about people at school who are "social superstars" can be a useful thing. Try to see how they stand, talk, what eye-contact they use, and how they look when they are listening and talking.
The problem with this is these people always notice thet Captain Obvious is studying them, onto which they project their vanity or paranoia, thus reacting to me watching them rather than continuing to interact with others.
Especially women. They always assume thet since I am watching them perform as Queen Bee that means I am leering lecherously at them, to which they crank up their female vanity to the point of insanity with a snotty "You wish" attitude … when I had been studying her hand gestures and eye signals, wondering how that form of communication comes so easily to her.
"I know you want me." No I don’t! You are a snotty bitch, and a vain cunt. This anthropologist from Mars is just analyzing you as a guinea pig. Idiot. Get over yourself!
You have your head so far up your ass you fail to recognize thet you are Queen Bee among a group of stupid little girls who look up to you. No males are there. Not even Beta Orbiters. Every man who hears you performing says to himself, "Shut up. Bitch." And you think they all want you. Duuuh.
Chapter 3 cautions about being a trickling stream of information, not a blasting fire hose.
In the mean time, practice in front of a mirror appropriate facial expressions.
It is obvious to me, and many others, thet Belle Delphine spends a lot of time in front of a mirror practicing her cartoonish facial expressions.
Learning what situations which expressions are suited for is important.
And do not be Maud Pie, but do not be Belle Delphine either. Watch how people express their emotions facially, and note how these expressions are amplified or toned down depending on the social situation.
Chapter 4 is What to do about bad handwriting. It offers alternatives to writing, specifically in a public school setting.
She recommends exercising your fingers by playing with Legos, drawing, sewing, etc. Also practice writing in letters 5 inches tall, thus training your gross motor muscles to write, after which you can transfer to the fine motor muscles.
How to organize your thoughts on paper.
How to write a report; specifically how take all the things you want to mention and reduce them down into specific categories, then paragraphs, then sentences. The point being to keep each section as simple as you can handle.
She mentions Susan Setley’s book Taming the Dragon, which is also about writing problems for those with learning difficulties.
She mentions transferring words into colors and shapes: The subject is a white circle. Around it are placed green triangles of the differing points to be made. Red squares are the ways these things connect to each other. Organizing what you want to say into a colorful array of shapes may help you get an visual reference of the ideas and how they interact with each other before you start on the words you want to use.
Also, making clay sculptures of the subject you want to write about gives one a tactile reference for the subject.
Though creating visual and tactile reference-points for words is a good idea, this book has no mention of processing disorders; i.e., she never asks what the learning disabled person who has difficulty writing is actually seeing or feeling.
Helen Irlen invented the concept for Irlen lenses by simply asking Dyslexic people what they saw when they looked at a printed page. She discovered there was nothing wrong with their eyes nor hands. It was their brain’s ability to process visual information thet was faulty.
Irlen lenses filter out the light frequencies the faulty processor cannot interpret. See my Irlen Lenses page.
Visual processing, nor any processing disorders, are not mentioned in this book.
Most the the things mentioned in this book refer to the problems learning disabled children may have in public school. No one mentions the fact the public school system may be the problem, not necessarily the disabled child.
Chapter Five is about Anxiety.
Her recommendations are to first of all eat healthy and get enough exercise. Your physical health effects your emotional responses.
Maintain a mentally and emotionally clean environment. Do not listen to hateful music nor watch violent TV shows.
Includes a list of 4 things thet can help you avoid getting stressed out, including taking a day off on your day off, and having a place for everything and everything in it’s place.
If you have difficulty with handwriting, hire someone to type out your spoken-word report.
Always leave 10 minutes early, thus giving you the time to make mistakes and fix them. And pace yourself, socially.
She relates her experience with over-stimulating herself trying to fit in, while everyone considered her weird. So she stopped trying to fit in, thus got even more rejection. I can relate to the resulting "And fuck you to you too" attitude. If you are not going to accept me, then I am not accepting you either. Fuck 'em.
For me this eventually became Reactive Attachment Disorder. Today I honestly do not care what people think of me, nor am I even able to. I do not understand the point in trying.
Label the problem, and put it into words. But do not do like I did, becoming Twilight Sparkle, overthinking everything and winding herself up into a panic.
For me, Script-walking was very helpful:
At my place of work we have 200 employees. During the Corona fraud, the company provided free Corona shots to anyone who wanted them. 175 of these employees lined up for their chemical lobotomy. The next day 85 of them could not make it to work, in fact they did not even call in sick; i.e., they were not just physically injured by this shot, they were also mentally injured.
I saw it all coming. I was very distraught throughout the week leading up to shot-day. I had made it my responsibility, and then panicked when I could not fix it.
Simply putting it all into words, and then talking it out to my self, helped relieve the anxiety. A week later, I had accepted it and let it go. If you take the Corona shot you are stupid, and I cannot fix stupid, so it is not my responsibility, thus I should not stress out about it.
I was not able to see it coming, and say to myself, "I got this." I always panic.
Also mentioned is, If you have anxiety check to see if it is a medical condition, as opposed to a neurological disorder or emotional disturbance. Chemical imbalances can produce emotional instability.
In a stressful situation, Fight or flight is normal. Anxiety attacks are not.
For some people with anxiety, they will develop obsessive or compulsive behaviors in an attempt to counter-balance the Anxiety, or at least give themselves a place to put the anxiety. This can devolve into an actual disorder involving obsessions or compulsions.
Often these 2 are combined as the label Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, as was done in this book.
I want to make it clear these are 2 separate things thet can exist one without the other. Thus it is wrong to lump them together as a single label. I had a mild case of Obsessive Personality Disorder, but I never had Compulsive Behavior.
I will add thet Fixations are different from Obsessions. Fixated Subject is when your mind goes to and sticks on a specific subject because it feels comforting to dwell upon. Obsession is when your mind goes to and sticks on a subject, and you cannot get off of it, even if you hate it and it makes you uncomfortable.
Fixated Subject is a conscious choice. Obsessions are a mental illness.
Fixations and Obsessions are not mentioned in this book.
When I was a teenager I felt perpetual Anxiety, but only once did I have an actual Panic Attack.
It is easy to confuse an Anxiety Attack with a Panic Attack. Just as it is easy to confuse Bi Polar Disorder with Manic Depression, or Fixations with Obsessions. Understand the difference, what triggers them, and how to alleviate them.
Chapter Six: Lost in Space and Time.
It is easy to get lost in space or time when you have the typical Aspie symptom of Inability to remember a list of more than 2 things.
This book explains the value in Script-walking and Motor Planning to help with memory deficits.
I want to add thet it is easy to confuse script-walking with obsessive list-making. Script-walking is like a Fixation, whereas list-making can become an Obsession.
The famous Carpentry mantra of "Measure twice. Cut once" is a good analogy for how to Script-walk and Motor Plan.
She also recommends interjecting several sensory inputs to help with memory; e.g., when explaining in words a route to take, draw on the person’s back the map of what you are saying. They then get both a physical and audio representation of where they are to go.
Motorcycle Adventure Riding (ADV) is my favorite thing, wherein I use only paper maps. I enjoy cultivating the lost art of map-reading, but I also greatly enjoy exploring space and keeping track on a map where I have been. Learning how to navigate by paper map, and more importantly sun position, was very helpful for me in overcoming the anxiety-producing feeling thet I never know where I am. I still lose my car in a parking-lot often, but since taking up ADV I have become better at guessing the general direction I should go to find it.
Also, when I go on a long motorcycle trip (long in time, not just miles), I never use a clock nor calendar, thus relieving me of worrisome clock-watching.
This point is also made in this book, reminding one’s self to slow down, Script-walk, and Motor Plan.
It also recommends making 3-D maps for tactile reference; i.e., a map you can not only see but also touch. This is the point I was making with my How I Learn lecture; the Gibbontake style of teaching, which includes as many reference-points as possible.
The book ends with a discussion of the coined phrase: "Anything worth doing is worth doing well." Our author disagrees. She suggests anything you enjoy is worth doing, no matter if you can do it well or not. You should enjoy it for it’s own sake, not for the satisfaction of the project being completed to perfection.
The back of the book includes a list of 4 recommended resources, and 8 recommended books.
So all-in-all this was a good book full of basic advice for teenagers struggling to come to terms with themselves concerning their disability.
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The Autistic Brain
Thinking across the Spectrum
by Temple Grandin.
The diagnostic criteria for Autism have changed with each new edition of the DSM. I warn parents, teachers, and therapists to avoid getting locked into labels. Do not allow anyone to become defined by a DSM label.
In 1972, the Gay Rights Movement protested the DSM’s classification of Homosexuality as a mental illness thet needed to be cured. They won the battle, raising questions of just how trustworthy any diagnosis in the DSM was.
Tony Attwood said it is practically impossible to diagnose anyone with Asperger’s Syndrome using the criteria of the DSM-IV.
When I wrote Thinking In Pictures I mistakenly thought everybody on the Spectrum was a photo-realistic thinker like me. I realize I was wrong.
Kanner had cause-and-effect backward. The child was not acting in a psychically isolated manner because the parents were emotionally distant. The parents were emotionally distant because the child was behaving in a psychically isolated manner; the problem was not thet I did not want my mother. It was thet the sensory overload of a hug shorted out my nervous system.
Kanner’s backward logic found it’s greatest champion in Bruno Bettelheim.
In the decade following Bettelheim’s death in 1990, his reputation unraveled. He had misrepresented his education, plagiarized, conducted shoddy research, and lied about being a doctor; but even more damning were the accusations of physical and mental abuse by the students of his school.
I would not be able to tell you why I had trouble making friends.
My trouble making friends was due to them always wanting to do physical things together, which were always over-stimulating to me. I wanted to sit still and talk – have spill-my-guts-to-startled-strangers Pragmatic Language Disorder conversations about something thet mattered!
All Normals are afraid of this kind of intimacy, thus I broke off every “friendship” in frustration over the fact we never talked about anything. It was just exhausting having to begrudgingly plod along through some other pointless physical activity, them irritatingly yacking their heads off the whole time while never saying anything.
I have said several times thet I have never had an intelligent conversation. I resent it.
See my Autistic Sex lecture wherein I recognized thet in order to ever have my longed-for perfect Aspie conversation, it would have to be in bed immediately after sex (with an Aspergirl).
When I was 18 I tried to cultivate a friendship with a guy my age. He had an anxiety attack and said our conversation felt like we were on a date! – the point being thet to him I was apparently being a flirtatious homosexual; i.e., I was talking with an intimacy reserved (according to the Normals) only for those who are also lovers. I just said, "What the hell is wrong with you? Haven't you ever had a male friend before?"
Like I said, in order to access the type of intimacy I want in a conversation I must sexualize the relationship in advance – the Normals demand it. I hate them for their outright panic toward my afterglow conversation style.
I had a pen-pal. After we had exchanged a few letters, I started getting “too intimate”. She wrote back saying my attempts to psychoanalyze her were offensive and not at all welcome!
I sat there like a deer in headlights. I re-read the letter I had sent her, which contained no psychoanalysis what-so-ever, it was simply intelligent conversation!; something no Normal has apparently ever attempted.
By the time I was 50, I met this woman who was around 30 years old. She said she was in a car-crash thet damaged her brain so she had terrible short-term memory. She was a school-bus driver, and had to have a picture map to guide her through her route which she had to traverse 10 times before she started to remember it.
I told her I too had a brain-injury thet damaged my Fusiform Gyrus, and thus had the same problem. She said in excitement, Yes! The Fusiform Gyrus is the part of her brain thet got damaged. We had a mutual smile of recognition.
Then she recognized thet this was an actual intimate conversation (something no Normal has outside of a sexual relationship), so she became very uncomfortable and got in her car and rolled up the window (apparently assuming thet because we had talked about something thet actually mattered that meant I expected us to have sex now - pervert).
I tapped on the window, so she rolled it down. I said, concerning her brain injury, I would be a very understanding friend.
She looked panicky and drove off.
And I am somehow supposed to believe thet Aspies have difficulty making friends. From my experience it has always been the Normals who have the difficulty. Illiterate morons, terrified of intimacy.
Probably the greatest factor in changing the focus of psychiatry from causes to effects, from the search for psychic injury to the cataloging of symptoms, was the rise of medication. Psychiatrists found they did not have to seek out causes of symptoms to treat patients. They could ease the patient’s suffering just by treating the effects.
This is what I refer to as masking the symptoms rather than eliminating the cause; i.e., traditional behavior of the drug-pushing puppet-whores-of-the-Pharmaceutical-Industry Medical Profession.
In 1981 Lorna Wing introduced the English-speaking audience to the work of Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger. Even as Kanner was trying to define Autism, Asperger was identifying a class of children who shared several distinct behaviors: “A lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversations, intense absorption in special interests, and clumsy movement.” He also noted thet these children could talk endlessly about their favorite subjects; thus he dubbed them “Little Professors”.
Lorna Wing is the one who coined the term “Asperger’s Syndrome.”
Autism was added to the DSM III in 1980, PDD-NOS to the DMS III-R in 1987, and Asperger’s Syndrome in the DSM IV in 1994. These were significant in reframing Autism as a Spectrum.
We have a new way of thinking about Autism. Is it in your mind? No. It is in your brain. The point being thet it is not a mental illness, nor anything “Psycho-whatever”.
Every time I see Temple talk she mentions her brain malformities and suggests thet all Autistics have them. She is wrong.
Autism can be entirely an intestinal problem (some cases of Autism being cured through diet alone), and can also be entirely a manifestation of Sensory Processing Disorders (see Georgiana Stehli be cured of her Autism by simply undergoing AIT).
In some cases the Autism causes the Sensory Processing Disorders; in other cases the Sensory Processing Disorders cause the Autism (as was the case with Georgiana).
I went on the GF/CF Diet, got Irlen Lenses, and AIT. These things collectively alleviated 2/3 of my Autism symptoms, proving thet only about the remaining 1/3 of my Autism is caused by brain mis-wiring.
Temple suggests thet all symptoms of Autism are caused entirely by brain malformations. Nope.
Even when you look at a child who has no language, who is self-injuring, who is having multiple seizures, you would be amazed at how normal their brains look. It is the most inconvenient truth about this condition.
That is because there is in fact nothing wrong with their brains; Seizures for example are Epilepsy which is entirely an intestinal disorder.
What a neurotypical person feels when someone will not make eye-contact might be what a person with Autism feels when someone does make eye-contact.
For me, looking someone in the eye is simply a matter of it being too much information to process at once – I become overwhelmed, especially if they have blue eyes; my ability to see ultra-violet, which reflects off of blue but not brown eyes, adds a glaring light to the emotional information my processor is already struggling to decipher.
She talks about how most Autistics have under-connectivity over long distances in their brain, but (and thus) over-conductivity in short distances; i.e., if the connections over long distances are too few, the brain will over-compensate by adding too many connections over short distances. This results in having super-human senses 1 at a time, but difficulty processing several senses at once.
I am definitely like that. If I am in a noisy atmosphere, my visual processing is negatively effected; and if I am overwhelmed by light, my audio processing becomes erratic. Also, both sound and light amplify my touch-aversion, and I nearly faint if exposed to perfume or other strong chemical scents.
Also see the Rachel character in the TV show Alphas (see my review). When she focuses on 1 sense, all the others turn off. And of course the severely Autistic Fluttershy in My Little Pony - a falling leaf touched her back and she had a panic-attack.
The result can be positive. I exhibit over-connectivity in an area corresponding to visual memory. Fortunately I can manage the visuals. I can sit in a consulting session and run the movie in my mind of how a piece of equipment will work, and then I can turn it off when I am done. Some people with Autism do not have an Off switch, and thus over-connectivity leads to a barrage of information, much of it jumbled.
In some cases the fibers do not form a connection between what you are seeing and what you are saying. This can result in difficulty with joint-referencing, and difficulty putting your picture thoughts into words.
It is widely accepted that Autism Spectrum Disorders are the result of multiple factors, that it would be extremely rare to find someone who had a single cause.
I agree, at least from my perspective; I inherited a mild case of Aspergers from my Asperger father, but was then given massive doses of vaccines which destroyed my intestines, then had mercury fillings put in my teeth, then had fluoride treatments done to my teeth, then was given Tetanus shots causing bad mouth co-ordination, all combined to give me a severe case of Aspergers. There were multiple causes of my Autism.
Temple talks about how having Sensory Processing Disorders leaves you living literally in an alternate reality.
This is where the classic Autistic lack of empathy comes in. I can sympathize with you, but not necessarily empathize; i.e., if you are crying, I sympathize because I have cried too; but I do not necessarily empathize because the thing thet made you cry may not necessarily make me cry, because (due to Sensory Processing Disorders) I am perceiving the situation differently than you are.
9 out of 10 people with Autism suffer from 1 or more sensory disorders.
For me, the idea of 2 selves is reinforced by what Carly said in her book Carly’s Voice: Breaking Through Autism.
She appeared to be totally non-verbal. The assumption being thet she could not understand language at all. Then 1 day she shocked her parents by typing out, “Help. Teeth hurt.”
She had been considered extremely low-functioning, her acting self was in constant motion, rocking, screaming, destroying everything in reach. But her thinking self was taking in more information than anyone would have thought. In fact, due to her sensory processing disorders, she was taking in profoundly more than a normal person would or even could.
On some levels, her thinking self was surprisingly normal. As she entered her teens, she developed crushes on Justin Timberlake and Brad Pitt. When she appeared on a TV show she found herself distracted by a cute cameraman.
These distractions, though perfectly normal for a teenage girl, are also what caused her to have melt-downs in the first place, for she is simply receiving more information than her processors can handle.
The paper Frontiers in Neuroscience proposed thet Autistics with sensory problems suffered from what the authors called “Intense World Syndrome.” “Excessive neuronal processing may render the world painfully intense”, to which the brain’s response might be “to rapidly lock down the individual into a small repertoire of secure behavioral routines that are obsessively repeated.”
For most of my life, after working a day-job for 8 hours I desperately needed to get home and play my drums for 4 hours to unwind. You may think thet a very physical activity like drumming would tire me out and wind me up worse, but it was the opposite. My tantrum-provoking stress was not caused by anything physical; it was caused by everything mental. Once I focused on “a small repertoire of secure behavioral routines thet are obsessively repeated” (i.e., playing drums) I alleviated my Autistic melt-down problems, thus feeling collected (until I worked the next day).
Another paper, Neuroscience and Behavioral Review said thet people with Autism might be living in “a world changing too fast.” They cannot follow what is happening around them, so they withdraw from their surroundings.
This is clearly seen in me wherein my eyes cannot track anything thet is moving fast. Do not expect me to play, nor even watch, a ballgame, for I cannot see the ball. Also if I am driving while exhausted, my visual processor simply burns out, and I get so it is not safe for me to drive. If a crying baby is also in the car at that time, I get so overwhelmed from sensory input thet I nearly go blind and have to get-the-hell off the road. If I do not withdraw from my surroundings, my processors do it for me, simply making my senses turn off.
I found thet when I began taking anti-depressants to manage my anxiety (old-fashioned anti-depressants like Zoloft and Prozac) the drugs calmed me down enough so I could learn social behaviors. And studies have shown thet Risperidone (an anti-psychotic drug), though it does not directly affect the core deficit of social impairment, does reduce the irritability that causes aggression.
In several of Temples books she recommends drugs. I most emphatically disagree with her; all of the above symptoms she wants to control can be alleviated with DHEA, which is a natural drug-free mood stabilizer, and Melatonin, which is a natural drug-free sleep-aide. Taking those 2 things calmed me enough thet I too was at last able to learn to be more sociable. Then we take into consideration thet (at least in my case) half of my anger and half of my anxiety was caused by me processing light wrong, alleviated with Irlen lenses; and the rest of my anxiety was alleviated with AIT. Drugs had nothing to do with my recovery!
It irritates me thet Temple repeatedly recommends drugs to mask the symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorders which can be alleviated with Irlen lenses, AIT, GF/CF, and natural drug-free medicinals.
Then Temple tells of how she recommended to her own students thet they go try on differing colored sunglasses. This resulted in flunking students suddenly becoming good students.
Irlen lenses specifically offer around 20 different colors, not to mention the ability to layer several (in the case of my Irlen lenses, 4 colors are layered; in my sisters case she has 11 colors!), resulting in fantastic alleviation of the visual processing disorder (see my Irlen Lenses page – my daily meltdowns were caused by my inability to process light properly).
Adding prescription drugs to calm me down so I could “work on socialization” would be ridiculous. First of all you must alleviate the visual processing disorder thet harmed the socialization ability. I simply could not see what was going on socially. Forcing a kid to look you in the eye (thus acting Normal) is asinine if the kid cannot even process light.
It would be stupid to flunk out of school because you are not using tan paper or because you did not make your computer background lavender!
See this very informative interview with Helen Irlen: www.autism.com/index.php/understanding_irlens
Temple talks about Audio processing difficulties; hers and Autistics’ in general.
The main thing I identified with from her list was the Asperger trait of being exasperated by interruption. I give lectures, I do not have conversations, because if someone interrupts my stream of thought I cannot find my way back to where I left off. Interruptions, such as the person I am talking to simply wanting to make it a give-and-take conversation, is so frustrating. The scene in Oliver Sacks: Rage For Order (see my review), wherein Jessica roars a sudden flash of rage because someone asked her a “what” question, is the impulse I too have (though much milder than Jessica’s reaction) when someone is simply trying to engage me in conversation by interrupting one of my lectures.
I thrive when communicating by typing onto this page, un-interrupted.
I really want to sit and converse with 1 other person; though it is difficult for me, I know it is a social scenario I need to practice (after which I Echolalically repeat to myself over and over every word I just said). But if a 3rd person joins the conversation, I am overwhelmed, for in that scenario we have to take turns, and when it is my turn to talk it is very hard for me to figure out. I end up excusing myself from the group, irritated thet the third person ruined it for me.
I am not mad at the “interrupting” person, for in their culture they get the greatest social interaction from the party atmosphere, wherein everyone is roaring drunk at the same time but none of them are listening. I want to run screaming from such an atmosphere; but the facts are the Normals at the party are in fact “listening”, them reading the flood of unspoken signals thet make them “friends”.
I just heard on the radio thet those who drink alcohol have more friends. Of course, their definition of “friend” is different from mine, but I do understand how the ingestion of "personality moisturizer" makes them feel more friendly, thus setting up the atmosphere wherein they could become friends.
I would rather take turns lecturing back and forth with a fellow Aspie, 1-on-1, stone-cold sober; or exchanging letters, which can be read (and re-read) un-interrupted.
Temple also discusses Echolalia, wherein the child may parrot TV commercials word for word with exact tone and inflection as the original speaker while having no clue what the words mean, or even thet the meaning is in the words.
This is what I was like as a kid, I could not hear clearly, all voices were like a distortion effect on a guitar. I could not understand the words, but learned to interpret the emotional meaning in the notes they hit with those words. I thus started composing music by the age of 5 but still could not understand what people said.
My Echolalia was me chanting the notes thet came from inside my head, rather than what I heard from outside my head; i.e., I was always expressing my own emotions aloud to myself, rather than parroting other people’s emotions to other people.
Temple takes this to the next level by saying thet many non-verbal kids can be taught to talk by singing it instead. The point being thet, like me, they can learn to interpret the meaning by the emotional definition of the note hit, rather than the dictionary definition of the word spoken.
See Lexi in Autism: The Musical being practically non-verbal but singing plain English wonderfully.
The therapist introduces the target words or phrases by simultaneously intoning the words and tapping the drums tuned to the same pitch.
What I did as a drummer thet no one else did quite as well was be musical. Most drummers play beats and rhythms, whereas I played notes and melodies. My band-mates always referred to my tracks as “jungle drums”, because you could leave out the other instruments and the drums alone would voice emotionally expressive melodies. People would come away from it humming the tune (rather than tapping a beat), which had a great emotional feel to it.
I was referred to as a “World class drummer” while no one, least of all me, knew I was Autistic at the time. Playing in that style was not intentional; I could not help but play that way.
With this therapy, tapping tuned drums thet represent the words, having 45-minute individual sessions 5 times a week over an 8 week period, the 6 non-verbal children in the study, ages 5 – 9, showed “significant improvements in the ability to articulate words and phrases, with generalization to items that were not practiced during therapy sessions.”
Aspie song-writers (such as Bjork and Gary Numan) often write lyrics thet have an emotional definition to them but are gibberish to anyone else. My own lyrics were very poetic and literary, never containing gibberish; but I did invent many words for daily use thet were very emotionally expressive to me (though non-musical), but gibberish to anyone else.
Temple then talks about touch-aversion, listing many typical things Autistics hate to touch or have touch them.
For me it is mainly texture in my mouth, and scent. I still gag on vitamin pills, and prefer crunchy food with contrasting tastes, such as pizza with beer, or corn-chips with salsa (now thet I know I am Autistic, I no longer eat these things). I love sitting in a scalding hot-spring while the air is 10 degrees below freezing, thus resulting in my whole body bright red and about to faint from heat while my wet hair is frozen stiff. I also love to eat icicles thet taste of lava rock, and have a firm massage with bare hands on my bare body, but if their fingernails touch me at all, I wince. It is like being lightly cut with razor-blades. It does not actually hurt my skin, but it triggers a panicky feeling.
As for scent, it is mainly chemical smells such as hair-spray, nail-polish, make-up, and perfume. All those things women do to themselves thet they think makes them more attractive to men make me wince in pain! The average female “all dolled up” is like sniffing straight ammonia! And the scent of Menudo makes me gag.
I also simply do not like people to touch me, but I do like to touch them – in a very specific petting way. I love the texture of tapioca pudding in my mouth, but hate to touch it with my fingers.
I also hate clapping my hands, shooting guns, or playing congas, for my hands are hypersensitive (if a dog licks my palm I have a spontaneous full-body orgasm).
Label-locked thinking: You might be comfortable with your diagnosis but worry that it will define you in the eyes of others. What will your boss think?, your co-workers?, your loved-ones? Half the employees at Silicon Valley Tech companies would be diagnosed with Aspergers if they allowed themselves to be diagnosed.
Label-locked thinking can affect treatment. I heard a doctor say about a kid with gastrointestinal issues, “Oh, he has Autism. That is the problem” - and then he did not treat the GI problem! That is absurd.
You also see this in moron parents who say they do not want to get a diagnosis for their kid because they do not want their child to be “Stigmatized.” That is so utterly stupid of them, for only after the diagnosis will you know what tools to use to fix the problem. This belief thet if they just maintain their denial long enough, maybe the Autism will go away, while feeding the kid macaroni and cheese, is just so stupid.
It is not a Stigma. It is a Diagnosis.
Next Temple obliterates the DSM-V: A 2012 survey of 657 people who had been clinically diagnosed with Aspergers, PDD-NOS, or Classic Autism found thet 40% of those diagnosable with the criteria of the DSM-IV would no longer be diagnosable with the criteria of the DSM-V.
I hope to eventually write reviews of these useless books the incompetent medical profession use to quote-unquote “diagnose” people.
I suggest the Pharmaceutical companies dictate to the publishers of the DSMs the definitions of Autism, thus artificially making the statistics go down, when they are actually skyrocketing. Since they know full-well their products are the cause of Autism, they change the definition to artificially eliminate the effects.
Most of the medical profession are Dr Frankenstein Mengele, nothing but drug-pushing puppet/whores of the Pharmaceutical Industry.
Only about 10% of Autistics belong in the Savant category, though most Savants are Autistic; i.e., though most Savants are Autistic, most Autistics are not Savants.
“Weak central coherence” is at the heart of the impairments in social communication and social interactions. More informally, you could say Autistics have trouble putting together the big picture; they see every leaf on every tree, but cannot tell this is a forest. See my Irlen lenses page for the description of what this is like for me.
When I was a child, my favorite repetitive behavior was dribbling sand through my hands over and over. I was fascinated with the shapes; each grain of sand looked like a tiny rock. I felt like a scientist working with a microscope.
Autistics will sort pictures of faces in order of what hat is being worn, rather than the facial expressions.
This is why interacting with the Normals at the water-cooler results in the Autistic going deer-in-headlights. There is just too much information to sort.
The main aspects of “water-cooler banter” (as far as the Autistic can tell) is conversation - but they are not saying anything! Meanwhile there are hundreds of non-verbal signals flying about, too many at the same time for the Autistic to process; not that any of them make sense in the first place.
See (my review of) the movie The Story of Luke, wherein one Aspie explains to another Aspie what is going on with the non-verbal communication the Normals are engaging in at the water-cooler.
The researcher posited thet people with Autism were better at seeing “pure pattern” than “social pattern”; i.e., Autistics recognize motion-capture images on a screen, wherein white dots are moving like a person would, better than a Normal does, but they do not assign emotional meaning to those motions, while Normal people do.
This references what I said about myself being able to recognize facial expressions better than the Normals do.
I can see the obvious solution before anyone else can tell there is a problem, and I can see the obvious meaning in that vague facial expression (while the Normals cannot), but I feel no empathy because I do not know why they feel that way.
Normals are spaghetti, Autistics are waffles. Normals can multi-task like a single strand of spaghetti running through 4 subjects. Autistics compartmentalize individual subjects, then focus on them only 1 at a time (with such intensity it scares people; i.e., Fixated Subject/Obsessive Personality Disorder).
This is part of what makes Attention Deficit Disorder; the Autistic cannot focus on several things at once, and thus becomes confused about which 1 should be the priority, and so lose their ability to focus on any of them. They start Attention-deficiting all over the place, and so return to the compartmentalized, thus comforting, Fixated Subject.
Did children with Autism prefer to sort photographs according to facial expressions exhibited? or the type of hat worn? The hats won. But did the Autistic children have trouble putting the pieces of a face together into an interpretation of facial emotions? Yes.
This is the problem I have, as does Temple: I am overwhelmed by there being too much information for me to visually process in a face, so I study it intently until I have found that 1 peculiar aspect I can remember, thus identify the person by. By then the person thinks I am staring at them, when I am not. In fact I am oblivious they are even there! It is simply a landscape I am studying for memorable details, then trying to compartmentalize the details.
Normal women (read: perverts) think thet when I am studying this soulless object called their face, that means I am staring, which means I want to fuck them, to which they say antagonistically “you wish”, or whimper as I “rape them with my eyes.”
I was oblivious there was anyone there! I was searching for a peculiarity to identify the person by! Idiots. The women all think looking = fucking, and are intimidated by me for it.
And men think the same thing. How many times have I been lashed out at by homophobes who perversely assumed I was “leering lecherously at them”, when I had no clue they existed!
It also goes the other way, wherein I am trying to learn how to recognize the people I work with, and as I study their facial features they assume that means I am staring at them because I want to fuck them, and they like that idea. And so they “reciprocate”, by posing and posturing to keep my attention (theatrically leaning over a table for an extended period so I can get a good look at her ass), when the facts are they were not receiving my attention in the first place! I was oblivious to them as a person or even body (even as a female body), and was simply trying to find 1 detail I could remember them by.
Gay men are especially annoying, for they refuse to take No for an answer, then “reciprocate” the “obvious sexual intent” of my “staring.” It is so exhausting!
I only see about ½ of what a Normal person sees (even with my Irlen lenses). I have to visually study everything very intently if I want to remember it. I can work with 1 person all day, then see them on the street the following day and not recognize them. But they of course have an anxiety-attack at the sight of me because they are positive I want to fuck them, as proven by the “uncomfortably intense staring” I did at them all the previous day, when I do not remember seeing them at all!
They cannot help but misinterpret it as creepy = sexual, when I had actually been very Autistically examining their teeth for uniform patterns I could fixate on, otherwise oblivious to their existence!
It is so frustrating to me, and uncomfortable for them.
Temple says her thinking is totally non-sequential; i.e., it is not just associative, but also lateral. She had to organize the writing of her thesis paper by taking each of the paragraphs and posting them on a board, and then re-arranging them like puzzle pieces.
When I was a teenager I still could not tell a story in sequence.
I get lost if I watch a movie who’s plot is not in sequence (those with repeated flash-backs irritate me beyond tolerance).
There is this wonderful book called Brothers of the Head about Siamese twins who become Rock-stars. It has 7 chapters. Each chapter tells the entire story from start to finish, but each from a different person’s perspective. Thus, by the end of the first chapter you already know how it will end, then it gets re-told from another perspective, each chapter inserting details the previous chapters did not reveal. I loved that book. It was written the way I write, in thet I have to re-write each page several times, interjecting more details with each pass. Otherwise I would get the sequence out of order, due to me, like Temple, thinking non-sequentially.
This is also how music is recorded. I start with a lyric, record a drum beat, then record a bass-line, then record the other instruments, and at last record the vocal with the proper melody. I compose it in several passes so, like Brothers of the Head, each pass adds more detail.
Compare that to Aspie Tesla who would suddenly see his new invention, to the last tiny detail, as a schematic in his head – a finished blue-print would just suddenly appear in his mind.
I dream music that way. My dreams have finished songs in them I had never heard before, that is how gifted I am as a composer; but ask me to tell a story? Forget it. I also suck at telling jokes – but I am good at laughing at my own typically Aspergian bizarre sense of internal humor (no one else understands).
Temple says, If you cannot see the trees, you will never see the forest.
The forest thet the Autistic brain ends up seeing, however, might not look the same as the forest the Neurotypical brain sees.
I recently read a definition of creativity: “A sudden, unexpected recognition of concepts or facts in a new relation not previously seen.” That is what happened when Michelle Dawson challenged the whole history of Autism research which had been based on identifying deficits. She had the same concepts and facts as everyone else, but she saw them in “a new relation not previously seen”; i.e., she defined Autism as a collection of gifts rather than deficiencies.
Temple mentions the book, Be Different: Adventures of a free-range Aspergian, by John Elder Robinson, wherein he describes himself visualizing everything as abstracts, to which he can free-associate; compared to Temple who is also a very visual thinker but only visualizes very specific concrete details from her photographic memory.
She then compares both of them to Jessica Park, as mentioned in the book Exiting Nirvana (see my review) wherein is demonstrated Jessica’s very elaborate system of symbols she used to navigate her world.
Jessica’s paintings are done in psychedelic neon colors, but she applies these colors to everyday objects, painted with photographic realism (other than the bizarre colors used). Temple says, I am a visual thinker, but I sure do not think like that!
Temple asked computer nerds in Silicon Valley how they wrote code, and they said they visualized the whole programming tree, and then just typed in the code on each branch in their minds.
When given an Object Imagery Test, Temple was asked which was grainier, a pile of charcoal briquettes or the holes in a basketball net, and she would visualize the briquettes passing through the net holes. When asked which was grainier, a tennis racket or a bunch of grapes, she would visualize thet the average grape would not fit through the strings of a tennis racket without squishing them. But she was lost when asked which was grainier, pavement or a sponge, for she could not visualize it because she did not know the composition of the pavement, nor what type of sponge was in question. All briquettes are the same size, as are all basketball net holes, sponges and pavement come in too many varieties for her to visualize.
Compare this to baby Jessica Park, wherein she understood thet a car could hurt her, but she could not imagine it.
When I do photography, I can determine from the ground the best place to stand on a roof to get the best shot. The point being thet she does not visualize manipulating the object in space, she visualizes moving herself in space in relation to the stable object.
This is why I so easily get lost inside buildings, but can drive a motorcycle across wilderness and know exactly where I am. I visualize myself moving around the object, while the object stands still. But with the building, I am inside of it, thus unable to visualize moving around the outside of it in my mind. I am thus not the smartest mouse in the maze, but I am the smartest mouse in the woods.
Temple is exasperated by Fukushima melting down, for she saw the complete blueprint in her mind, and it was just so obvious to her thet the emergency water pumps were in the wrong place. It was just so obvious!
This is partly what I do as an industrial consultant; I see accidents before they happen.
I have said repeatedly thet I can see the obvious solution before anyone else can tell there is a problem. It always intimidated my boss at the day job when I point out the blatantly obvious, which leaves him feeling like an idiot in comparison.
Not only can dormant parts of the brain come to life and do what they were always supposed to do, but those areas can get repurposed and do what they are not supposed to do. See Rachel, from the book Being With Rachel (see my review) learning to store her memory in parts of her brain not meant for memory storage; and Mark Hogancamp, from the documentary Marwencol (see my review) storing his new memories in photographs.
Dolphins see with their eyes, but also with ultra-sound.
Google "Albinism’s impact on vision", wherein it says, In a normal eye, the macula is the area of a person’s best vision that focuses on an image such as a person’s face. The fovea zeros in on detail such as seeing a freckle on someone’s face. In people with Albinism, the fovea is underdeveloped, meaning an Albino would see the forest but not the trees, recognizing faces but not noticing freckles.
I am the opposite, I have to study someone’s face intently, searching out that specific detail to remember them by, while never remembering the face as a whole.
Researchers have developed a method to research the brain activity of people who have been blind since birth. It works like a video-game. Players have to navigate through a building in search of diamonds. But the game does not use images, it uses sounds.
Players figure out where they are by listening to their environment in 3-D sound. The sound of a knock indicates the location of a door. A ping means the player has bumped into a piece of furniture. The diamonds make a twinkling noise thet grows louder as the players approach.
They found thet when sighted subjects make strategic decisions, they used the hippocampus, the brain’s memory center. But the blind subjects used the visual cortex.
Like all books about Autism, the evil school system is mentioned: I recently had a conversation with a parent who’s 4th Grader was exceptional at art, but the school wanted to discourage him because his extreme devotion to drawing was “not normal”. This explains my outright hatred of Democracy, a system wherein everyone is required to be dummied down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule. We do not want to discourage his art, but broaden what his art encompasses. If he is drawing pictures of race-cars all the time, ask him to draw the race-track too. Then ask him to draw the streets and buildings around the race-track. If he can do that, you have taken his weakness (obsessional thinking, or fixated subject) and turned it into a strength, a way of understanding relationships between something as simple as a race-car and the rest of society.
I was at a processing plant recently to see a demonstration of robots that do some of the difficult dangerous jobs. I asked who programmed the robots, and was told it was done by 5 people from China and India. So I asked why they did not use people from the USA. "Because", I was told, "our educational system does not produce bright young minds with the right combination of electrical engineering and computer engineering." It is as if the word/fact thinkers have taken over the educational system [“teaching” the brains right out of them with book-learning in a class-room, mindlessly parroting pointless crap they will never use; the epitome of Democracy in action].
Jacob Barrett, at the time a pre-teen Autistic, was so bored in grade-school math class that he started to hate math. Finally, out of frustration, he sat down with a bunch of textbooks and taught himself the entire high-school math curriculum … in 2 weeks! Then he went to college at the age of 12. Fuck the Public Skkkool system.
Temple does in fact think clear across the Spectrum in this interesting book.
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Thinking across the Spectrum
by Temple Grandin.
The diagnostic criteria for Autism have changed with each new edition of the DSM. I warn parents, teachers, and therapists to avoid getting locked into labels. Do not allow anyone to become defined by a DSM label.
In 1972, the Gay Rights Movement protested the DSM’s classification of Homosexuality as a mental illness thet needed to be cured. They won the battle, raising questions of just how trustworthy any diagnosis in the DSM was.
Tony Attwood said it is practically impossible to diagnose anyone with Asperger’s Syndrome using the criteria of the DSM-IV.
When I wrote Thinking In Pictures I mistakenly thought everybody on the Spectrum was a photo-realistic thinker like me. I realize I was wrong.
Kanner had cause-and-effect backward. The child was not acting in a psychically isolated manner because the parents were emotionally distant. The parents were emotionally distant because the child was behaving in a psychically isolated manner; the problem was not thet I did not want my mother. It was thet the sensory overload of a hug shorted out my nervous system.
Kanner’s backward logic found it’s greatest champion in Bruno Bettelheim.
In the decade following Bettelheim’s death in 1990, his reputation unraveled. He had misrepresented his education, plagiarized, conducted shoddy research, and lied about being a doctor; but even more damning were the accusations of physical and mental abuse by the students of his school.
I would not be able to tell you why I had trouble making friends.
My trouble making friends was due to them always wanting to do physical things together, which were always over-stimulating to me. I wanted to sit still and talk – have spill-my-guts-to-startled-strangers Pragmatic Language Disorder conversations about something thet mattered!
All Normals are afraid of this kind of intimacy, thus I broke off every “friendship” in frustration over the fact we never talked about anything. It was just exhausting having to begrudgingly plod along through some other pointless physical activity, them irritatingly yacking their heads off the whole time while never saying anything.
I have said several times thet I have never had an intelligent conversation. I resent it.
See my Autistic Sex lecture wherein I recognized thet in order to ever have my longed-for perfect Aspie conversation, it would have to be in bed immediately after sex (with an Aspergirl).
When I was 18 I tried to cultivate a friendship with a guy my age. He had an anxiety attack and said our conversation felt like we were on a date! – the point being thet to him I was apparently being a flirtatious homosexual; i.e., I was talking with an intimacy reserved (according to the Normals) only for those who are also lovers. I just said, "What the hell is wrong with you? Haven't you ever had a male friend before?"
Like I said, in order to access the type of intimacy I want in a conversation I must sexualize the relationship in advance – the Normals demand it. I hate them for their outright panic toward my afterglow conversation style.
I had a pen-pal. After we had exchanged a few letters, I started getting “too intimate”. She wrote back saying my attempts to psychoanalyze her were offensive and not at all welcome!
I sat there like a deer in headlights. I re-read the letter I had sent her, which contained no psychoanalysis what-so-ever, it was simply intelligent conversation!; something no Normal has apparently ever attempted.
By the time I was 50, I met this woman who was around 30 years old. She said she was in a car-crash thet damaged her brain so she had terrible short-term memory. She was a school-bus driver, and had to have a picture map to guide her through her route which she had to traverse 10 times before she started to remember it.
I told her I too had a brain-injury thet damaged my Fusiform Gyrus, and thus had the same problem. She said in excitement, Yes! The Fusiform Gyrus is the part of her brain thet got damaged. We had a mutual smile of recognition.
Then she recognized thet this was an actual intimate conversation (something no Normal has outside of a sexual relationship), so she became very uncomfortable and got in her car and rolled up the window (apparently assuming thet because we had talked about something thet actually mattered that meant I expected us to have sex now - pervert).
I tapped on the window, so she rolled it down. I said, concerning her brain injury, I would be a very understanding friend.
She looked panicky and drove off.
And I am somehow supposed to believe thet Aspies have difficulty making friends. From my experience it has always been the Normals who have the difficulty. Illiterate morons, terrified of intimacy.
Probably the greatest factor in changing the focus of psychiatry from causes to effects, from the search for psychic injury to the cataloging of symptoms, was the rise of medication. Psychiatrists found they did not have to seek out causes of symptoms to treat patients. They could ease the patient’s suffering just by treating the effects.
This is what I refer to as masking the symptoms rather than eliminating the cause; i.e., traditional behavior of the drug-pushing puppet-whores-of-the-Pharmaceutical-Industry Medical Profession.
In 1981 Lorna Wing introduced the English-speaking audience to the work of Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger. Even as Kanner was trying to define Autism, Asperger was identifying a class of children who shared several distinct behaviors: “A lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversations, intense absorption in special interests, and clumsy movement.” He also noted thet these children could talk endlessly about their favorite subjects; thus he dubbed them “Little Professors”.
Lorna Wing is the one who coined the term “Asperger’s Syndrome.”
Autism was added to the DSM III in 1980, PDD-NOS to the DMS III-R in 1987, and Asperger’s Syndrome in the DSM IV in 1994. These were significant in reframing Autism as a Spectrum.
We have a new way of thinking about Autism. Is it in your mind? No. It is in your brain. The point being thet it is not a mental illness, nor anything “Psycho-whatever”.
Every time I see Temple talk she mentions her brain malformities and suggests thet all Autistics have them. She is wrong.
Autism can be entirely an intestinal problem (some cases of Autism being cured through diet alone), and can also be entirely a manifestation of Sensory Processing Disorders (see Georgiana Stehli be cured of her Autism by simply undergoing AIT).
In some cases the Autism causes the Sensory Processing Disorders; in other cases the Sensory Processing Disorders cause the Autism (as was the case with Georgiana).
I went on the GF/CF Diet, got Irlen Lenses, and AIT. These things collectively alleviated 2/3 of my Autism symptoms, proving thet only about the remaining 1/3 of my Autism is caused by brain mis-wiring.
Temple suggests thet all symptoms of Autism are caused entirely by brain malformations. Nope.
Even when you look at a child who has no language, who is self-injuring, who is having multiple seizures, you would be amazed at how normal their brains look. It is the most inconvenient truth about this condition.
That is because there is in fact nothing wrong with their brains; Seizures for example are Epilepsy which is entirely an intestinal disorder.
What a neurotypical person feels when someone will not make eye-contact might be what a person with Autism feels when someone does make eye-contact.
For me, looking someone in the eye is simply a matter of it being too much information to process at once – I become overwhelmed, especially if they have blue eyes; my ability to see ultra-violet, which reflects off of blue but not brown eyes, adds a glaring light to the emotional information my processor is already struggling to decipher.
She talks about how most Autistics have under-connectivity over long distances in their brain, but (and thus) over-conductivity in short distances; i.e., if the connections over long distances are too few, the brain will over-compensate by adding too many connections over short distances. This results in having super-human senses 1 at a time, but difficulty processing several senses at once.
I am definitely like that. If I am in a noisy atmosphere, my visual processing is negatively effected; and if I am overwhelmed by light, my audio processing becomes erratic. Also, both sound and light amplify my touch-aversion, and I nearly faint if exposed to perfume or other strong chemical scents.
Also see the Rachel character in the TV show Alphas (see my review). When she focuses on 1 sense, all the others turn off. And of course the severely Autistic Fluttershy in My Little Pony - a falling leaf touched her back and she had a panic-attack.
The result can be positive. I exhibit over-connectivity in an area corresponding to visual memory. Fortunately I can manage the visuals. I can sit in a consulting session and run the movie in my mind of how a piece of equipment will work, and then I can turn it off when I am done. Some people with Autism do not have an Off switch, and thus over-connectivity leads to a barrage of information, much of it jumbled.
In some cases the fibers do not form a connection between what you are seeing and what you are saying. This can result in difficulty with joint-referencing, and difficulty putting your picture thoughts into words.
It is widely accepted that Autism Spectrum Disorders are the result of multiple factors, that it would be extremely rare to find someone who had a single cause.
I agree, at least from my perspective; I inherited a mild case of Aspergers from my Asperger father, but was then given massive doses of vaccines which destroyed my intestines, then had mercury fillings put in my teeth, then had fluoride treatments done to my teeth, then was given Tetanus shots causing bad mouth co-ordination, all combined to give me a severe case of Aspergers. There were multiple causes of my Autism.
Temple talks about how having Sensory Processing Disorders leaves you living literally in an alternate reality.
This is where the classic Autistic lack of empathy comes in. I can sympathize with you, but not necessarily empathize; i.e., if you are crying, I sympathize because I have cried too; but I do not necessarily empathize because the thing thet made you cry may not necessarily make me cry, because (due to Sensory Processing Disorders) I am perceiving the situation differently than you are.
9 out of 10 people with Autism suffer from 1 or more sensory disorders.
For me, the idea of 2 selves is reinforced by what Carly said in her book Carly’s Voice: Breaking Through Autism.
She appeared to be totally non-verbal. The assumption being thet she could not understand language at all. Then 1 day she shocked her parents by typing out, “Help. Teeth hurt.”
She had been considered extremely low-functioning, her acting self was in constant motion, rocking, screaming, destroying everything in reach. But her thinking self was taking in more information than anyone would have thought. In fact, due to her sensory processing disorders, she was taking in profoundly more than a normal person would or even could.
On some levels, her thinking self was surprisingly normal. As she entered her teens, she developed crushes on Justin Timberlake and Brad Pitt. When she appeared on a TV show she found herself distracted by a cute cameraman.
These distractions, though perfectly normal for a teenage girl, are also what caused her to have melt-downs in the first place, for she is simply receiving more information than her processors can handle.
The paper Frontiers in Neuroscience proposed thet Autistics with sensory problems suffered from what the authors called “Intense World Syndrome.” “Excessive neuronal processing may render the world painfully intense”, to which the brain’s response might be “to rapidly lock down the individual into a small repertoire of secure behavioral routines that are obsessively repeated.”
For most of my life, after working a day-job for 8 hours I desperately needed to get home and play my drums for 4 hours to unwind. You may think thet a very physical activity like drumming would tire me out and wind me up worse, but it was the opposite. My tantrum-provoking stress was not caused by anything physical; it was caused by everything mental. Once I focused on “a small repertoire of secure behavioral routines thet are obsessively repeated” (i.e., playing drums) I alleviated my Autistic melt-down problems, thus feeling collected (until I worked the next day).
Another paper, Neuroscience and Behavioral Review said thet people with Autism might be living in “a world changing too fast.” They cannot follow what is happening around them, so they withdraw from their surroundings.
This is clearly seen in me wherein my eyes cannot track anything thet is moving fast. Do not expect me to play, nor even watch, a ballgame, for I cannot see the ball. Also if I am driving while exhausted, my visual processor simply burns out, and I get so it is not safe for me to drive. If a crying baby is also in the car at that time, I get so overwhelmed from sensory input thet I nearly go blind and have to get-the-hell off the road. If I do not withdraw from my surroundings, my processors do it for me, simply making my senses turn off.
I found thet when I began taking anti-depressants to manage my anxiety (old-fashioned anti-depressants like Zoloft and Prozac) the drugs calmed me down enough so I could learn social behaviors. And studies have shown thet Risperidone (an anti-psychotic drug), though it does not directly affect the core deficit of social impairment, does reduce the irritability that causes aggression.
In several of Temples books she recommends drugs. I most emphatically disagree with her; all of the above symptoms she wants to control can be alleviated with DHEA, which is a natural drug-free mood stabilizer, and Melatonin, which is a natural drug-free sleep-aide. Taking those 2 things calmed me enough thet I too was at last able to learn to be more sociable. Then we take into consideration thet (at least in my case) half of my anger and half of my anxiety was caused by me processing light wrong, alleviated with Irlen lenses; and the rest of my anxiety was alleviated with AIT. Drugs had nothing to do with my recovery!
It irritates me thet Temple repeatedly recommends drugs to mask the symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorders which can be alleviated with Irlen lenses, AIT, GF/CF, and natural drug-free medicinals.
Then Temple tells of how she recommended to her own students thet they go try on differing colored sunglasses. This resulted in flunking students suddenly becoming good students.
Irlen lenses specifically offer around 20 different colors, not to mention the ability to layer several (in the case of my Irlen lenses, 4 colors are layered; in my sisters case she has 11 colors!), resulting in fantastic alleviation of the visual processing disorder (see my Irlen Lenses page – my daily meltdowns were caused by my inability to process light properly).
Adding prescription drugs to calm me down so I could “work on socialization” would be ridiculous. First of all you must alleviate the visual processing disorder thet harmed the socialization ability. I simply could not see what was going on socially. Forcing a kid to look you in the eye (thus acting Normal) is asinine if the kid cannot even process light.
It would be stupid to flunk out of school because you are not using tan paper or because you did not make your computer background lavender!
See this very informative interview with Helen Irlen: www.autism.com/index.php/understanding_irlens
Temple talks about Audio processing difficulties; hers and Autistics’ in general.
The main thing I identified with from her list was the Asperger trait of being exasperated by interruption. I give lectures, I do not have conversations, because if someone interrupts my stream of thought I cannot find my way back to where I left off. Interruptions, such as the person I am talking to simply wanting to make it a give-and-take conversation, is so frustrating. The scene in Oliver Sacks: Rage For Order (see my review), wherein Jessica roars a sudden flash of rage because someone asked her a “what” question, is the impulse I too have (though much milder than Jessica’s reaction) when someone is simply trying to engage me in conversation by interrupting one of my lectures.
I thrive when communicating by typing onto this page, un-interrupted.
I really want to sit and converse with 1 other person; though it is difficult for me, I know it is a social scenario I need to practice (after which I Echolalically repeat to myself over and over every word I just said). But if a 3rd person joins the conversation, I am overwhelmed, for in that scenario we have to take turns, and when it is my turn to talk it is very hard for me to figure out. I end up excusing myself from the group, irritated thet the third person ruined it for me.
I am not mad at the “interrupting” person, for in their culture they get the greatest social interaction from the party atmosphere, wherein everyone is roaring drunk at the same time but none of them are listening. I want to run screaming from such an atmosphere; but the facts are the Normals at the party are in fact “listening”, them reading the flood of unspoken signals thet make them “friends”.
I just heard on the radio thet those who drink alcohol have more friends. Of course, their definition of “friend” is different from mine, but I do understand how the ingestion of "personality moisturizer" makes them feel more friendly, thus setting up the atmosphere wherein they could become friends.
I would rather take turns lecturing back and forth with a fellow Aspie, 1-on-1, stone-cold sober; or exchanging letters, which can be read (and re-read) un-interrupted.
Temple also discusses Echolalia, wherein the child may parrot TV commercials word for word with exact tone and inflection as the original speaker while having no clue what the words mean, or even thet the meaning is in the words.
This is what I was like as a kid, I could not hear clearly, all voices were like a distortion effect on a guitar. I could not understand the words, but learned to interpret the emotional meaning in the notes they hit with those words. I thus started composing music by the age of 5 but still could not understand what people said.
My Echolalia was me chanting the notes thet came from inside my head, rather than what I heard from outside my head; i.e., I was always expressing my own emotions aloud to myself, rather than parroting other people’s emotions to other people.
Temple takes this to the next level by saying thet many non-verbal kids can be taught to talk by singing it instead. The point being thet, like me, they can learn to interpret the meaning by the emotional definition of the note hit, rather than the dictionary definition of the word spoken.
See Lexi in Autism: The Musical being practically non-verbal but singing plain English wonderfully.
The therapist introduces the target words or phrases by simultaneously intoning the words and tapping the drums tuned to the same pitch.
What I did as a drummer thet no one else did quite as well was be musical. Most drummers play beats and rhythms, whereas I played notes and melodies. My band-mates always referred to my tracks as “jungle drums”, because you could leave out the other instruments and the drums alone would voice emotionally expressive melodies. People would come away from it humming the tune (rather than tapping a beat), which had a great emotional feel to it.
I was referred to as a “World class drummer” while no one, least of all me, knew I was Autistic at the time. Playing in that style was not intentional; I could not help but play that way.
With this therapy, tapping tuned drums thet represent the words, having 45-minute individual sessions 5 times a week over an 8 week period, the 6 non-verbal children in the study, ages 5 – 9, showed “significant improvements in the ability to articulate words and phrases, with generalization to items that were not practiced during therapy sessions.”
Aspie song-writers (such as Bjork and Gary Numan) often write lyrics thet have an emotional definition to them but are gibberish to anyone else. My own lyrics were very poetic and literary, never containing gibberish; but I did invent many words for daily use thet were very emotionally expressive to me (though non-musical), but gibberish to anyone else.
Temple then talks about touch-aversion, listing many typical things Autistics hate to touch or have touch them.
For me it is mainly texture in my mouth, and scent. I still gag on vitamin pills, and prefer crunchy food with contrasting tastes, such as pizza with beer, or corn-chips with salsa (now thet I know I am Autistic, I no longer eat these things). I love sitting in a scalding hot-spring while the air is 10 degrees below freezing, thus resulting in my whole body bright red and about to faint from heat while my wet hair is frozen stiff. I also love to eat icicles thet taste of lava rock, and have a firm massage with bare hands on my bare body, but if their fingernails touch me at all, I wince. It is like being lightly cut with razor-blades. It does not actually hurt my skin, but it triggers a panicky feeling.
As for scent, it is mainly chemical smells such as hair-spray, nail-polish, make-up, and perfume. All those things women do to themselves thet they think makes them more attractive to men make me wince in pain! The average female “all dolled up” is like sniffing straight ammonia! And the scent of Menudo makes me gag.
I also simply do not like people to touch me, but I do like to touch them – in a very specific petting way. I love the texture of tapioca pudding in my mouth, but hate to touch it with my fingers.
I also hate clapping my hands, shooting guns, or playing congas, for my hands are hypersensitive (if a dog licks my palm I have a spontaneous full-body orgasm).
Label-locked thinking: You might be comfortable with your diagnosis but worry that it will define you in the eyes of others. What will your boss think?, your co-workers?, your loved-ones? Half the employees at Silicon Valley Tech companies would be diagnosed with Aspergers if they allowed themselves to be diagnosed.
Label-locked thinking can affect treatment. I heard a doctor say about a kid with gastrointestinal issues, “Oh, he has Autism. That is the problem” - and then he did not treat the GI problem! That is absurd.
You also see this in moron parents who say they do not want to get a diagnosis for their kid because they do not want their child to be “Stigmatized.” That is so utterly stupid of them, for only after the diagnosis will you know what tools to use to fix the problem. This belief thet if they just maintain their denial long enough, maybe the Autism will go away, while feeding the kid macaroni and cheese, is just so stupid.
It is not a Stigma. It is a Diagnosis.
Next Temple obliterates the DSM-V: A 2012 survey of 657 people who had been clinically diagnosed with Aspergers, PDD-NOS, or Classic Autism found thet 40% of those diagnosable with the criteria of the DSM-IV would no longer be diagnosable with the criteria of the DSM-V.
I hope to eventually write reviews of these useless books the incompetent medical profession use to quote-unquote “diagnose” people.
I suggest the Pharmaceutical companies dictate to the publishers of the DSMs the definitions of Autism, thus artificially making the statistics go down, when they are actually skyrocketing. Since they know full-well their products are the cause of Autism, they change the definition to artificially eliminate the effects.
Most of the medical profession are Dr Frankenstein Mengele, nothing but drug-pushing puppet/whores of the Pharmaceutical Industry.
Only about 10% of Autistics belong in the Savant category, though most Savants are Autistic; i.e., though most Savants are Autistic, most Autistics are not Savants.
“Weak central coherence” is at the heart of the impairments in social communication and social interactions. More informally, you could say Autistics have trouble putting together the big picture; they see every leaf on every tree, but cannot tell this is a forest. See my Irlen lenses page for the description of what this is like for me.
When I was a child, my favorite repetitive behavior was dribbling sand through my hands over and over. I was fascinated with the shapes; each grain of sand looked like a tiny rock. I felt like a scientist working with a microscope.
Autistics will sort pictures of faces in order of what hat is being worn, rather than the facial expressions.
This is why interacting with the Normals at the water-cooler results in the Autistic going deer-in-headlights. There is just too much information to sort.
The main aspects of “water-cooler banter” (as far as the Autistic can tell) is conversation - but they are not saying anything! Meanwhile there are hundreds of non-verbal signals flying about, too many at the same time for the Autistic to process; not that any of them make sense in the first place.
See (my review of) the movie The Story of Luke, wherein one Aspie explains to another Aspie what is going on with the non-verbal communication the Normals are engaging in at the water-cooler.
The researcher posited thet people with Autism were better at seeing “pure pattern” than “social pattern”; i.e., Autistics recognize motion-capture images on a screen, wherein white dots are moving like a person would, better than a Normal does, but they do not assign emotional meaning to those motions, while Normal people do.
This references what I said about myself being able to recognize facial expressions better than the Normals do.
I can see the obvious solution before anyone else can tell there is a problem, and I can see the obvious meaning in that vague facial expression (while the Normals cannot), but I feel no empathy because I do not know why they feel that way.
Normals are spaghetti, Autistics are waffles. Normals can multi-task like a single strand of spaghetti running through 4 subjects. Autistics compartmentalize individual subjects, then focus on them only 1 at a time (with such intensity it scares people; i.e., Fixated Subject/Obsessive Personality Disorder).
This is part of what makes Attention Deficit Disorder; the Autistic cannot focus on several things at once, and thus becomes confused about which 1 should be the priority, and so lose their ability to focus on any of them. They start Attention-deficiting all over the place, and so return to the compartmentalized, thus comforting, Fixated Subject.
Did children with Autism prefer to sort photographs according to facial expressions exhibited? or the type of hat worn? The hats won. But did the Autistic children have trouble putting the pieces of a face together into an interpretation of facial emotions? Yes.
This is the problem I have, as does Temple: I am overwhelmed by there being too much information for me to visually process in a face, so I study it intently until I have found that 1 peculiar aspect I can remember, thus identify the person by. By then the person thinks I am staring at them, when I am not. In fact I am oblivious they are even there! It is simply a landscape I am studying for memorable details, then trying to compartmentalize the details.
Normal women (read: perverts) think thet when I am studying this soulless object called their face, that means I am staring, which means I want to fuck them, to which they say antagonistically “you wish”, or whimper as I “rape them with my eyes.”
I was oblivious there was anyone there! I was searching for a peculiarity to identify the person by! Idiots. The women all think looking = fucking, and are intimidated by me for it.
And men think the same thing. How many times have I been lashed out at by homophobes who perversely assumed I was “leering lecherously at them”, when I had no clue they existed!
It also goes the other way, wherein I am trying to learn how to recognize the people I work with, and as I study their facial features they assume that means I am staring at them because I want to fuck them, and they like that idea. And so they “reciprocate”, by posing and posturing to keep my attention (theatrically leaning over a table for an extended period so I can get a good look at her ass), when the facts are they were not receiving my attention in the first place! I was oblivious to them as a person or even body (even as a female body), and was simply trying to find 1 detail I could remember them by.
Gay men are especially annoying, for they refuse to take No for an answer, then “reciprocate” the “obvious sexual intent” of my “staring.” It is so exhausting!
I only see about ½ of what a Normal person sees (even with my Irlen lenses). I have to visually study everything very intently if I want to remember it. I can work with 1 person all day, then see them on the street the following day and not recognize them. But they of course have an anxiety-attack at the sight of me because they are positive I want to fuck them, as proven by the “uncomfortably intense staring” I did at them all the previous day, when I do not remember seeing them at all!
They cannot help but misinterpret it as creepy = sexual, when I had actually been very Autistically examining their teeth for uniform patterns I could fixate on, otherwise oblivious to their existence!
It is so frustrating to me, and uncomfortable for them.
Temple says her thinking is totally non-sequential; i.e., it is not just associative, but also lateral. She had to organize the writing of her thesis paper by taking each of the paragraphs and posting them on a board, and then re-arranging them like puzzle pieces.
When I was a teenager I still could not tell a story in sequence.
I get lost if I watch a movie who’s plot is not in sequence (those with repeated flash-backs irritate me beyond tolerance).
There is this wonderful book called Brothers of the Head about Siamese twins who become Rock-stars. It has 7 chapters. Each chapter tells the entire story from start to finish, but each from a different person’s perspective. Thus, by the end of the first chapter you already know how it will end, then it gets re-told from another perspective, each chapter inserting details the previous chapters did not reveal. I loved that book. It was written the way I write, in thet I have to re-write each page several times, interjecting more details with each pass. Otherwise I would get the sequence out of order, due to me, like Temple, thinking non-sequentially.
This is also how music is recorded. I start with a lyric, record a drum beat, then record a bass-line, then record the other instruments, and at last record the vocal with the proper melody. I compose it in several passes so, like Brothers of the Head, each pass adds more detail.
Compare that to Aspie Tesla who would suddenly see his new invention, to the last tiny detail, as a schematic in his head – a finished blue-print would just suddenly appear in his mind.
I dream music that way. My dreams have finished songs in them I had never heard before, that is how gifted I am as a composer; but ask me to tell a story? Forget it. I also suck at telling jokes – but I am good at laughing at my own typically Aspergian bizarre sense of internal humor (no one else understands).
Temple says, If you cannot see the trees, you will never see the forest.
The forest thet the Autistic brain ends up seeing, however, might not look the same as the forest the Neurotypical brain sees.
I recently read a definition of creativity: “A sudden, unexpected recognition of concepts or facts in a new relation not previously seen.” That is what happened when Michelle Dawson challenged the whole history of Autism research which had been based on identifying deficits. She had the same concepts and facts as everyone else, but she saw them in “a new relation not previously seen”; i.e., she defined Autism as a collection of gifts rather than deficiencies.
Temple mentions the book, Be Different: Adventures of a free-range Aspergian, by John Elder Robinson, wherein he describes himself visualizing everything as abstracts, to which he can free-associate; compared to Temple who is also a very visual thinker but only visualizes very specific concrete details from her photographic memory.
She then compares both of them to Jessica Park, as mentioned in the book Exiting Nirvana (see my review) wherein is demonstrated Jessica’s very elaborate system of symbols she used to navigate her world.
Jessica’s paintings are done in psychedelic neon colors, but she applies these colors to everyday objects, painted with photographic realism (other than the bizarre colors used). Temple says, I am a visual thinker, but I sure do not think like that!
Temple asked computer nerds in Silicon Valley how they wrote code, and they said they visualized the whole programming tree, and then just typed in the code on each branch in their minds.
When given an Object Imagery Test, Temple was asked which was grainier, a pile of charcoal briquettes or the holes in a basketball net, and she would visualize the briquettes passing through the net holes. When asked which was grainier, a tennis racket or a bunch of grapes, she would visualize thet the average grape would not fit through the strings of a tennis racket without squishing them. But she was lost when asked which was grainier, pavement or a sponge, for she could not visualize it because she did not know the composition of the pavement, nor what type of sponge was in question. All briquettes are the same size, as are all basketball net holes, sponges and pavement come in too many varieties for her to visualize.
Compare this to baby Jessica Park, wherein she understood thet a car could hurt her, but she could not imagine it.
When I do photography, I can determine from the ground the best place to stand on a roof to get the best shot. The point being thet she does not visualize manipulating the object in space, she visualizes moving herself in space in relation to the stable object.
This is why I so easily get lost inside buildings, but can drive a motorcycle across wilderness and know exactly where I am. I visualize myself moving around the object, while the object stands still. But with the building, I am inside of it, thus unable to visualize moving around the outside of it in my mind. I am thus not the smartest mouse in the maze, but I am the smartest mouse in the woods.
Temple is exasperated by Fukushima melting down, for she saw the complete blueprint in her mind, and it was just so obvious to her thet the emergency water pumps were in the wrong place. It was just so obvious!
This is partly what I do as an industrial consultant; I see accidents before they happen.
I have said repeatedly thet I can see the obvious solution before anyone else can tell there is a problem. It always intimidated my boss at the day job when I point out the blatantly obvious, which leaves him feeling like an idiot in comparison.
Not only can dormant parts of the brain come to life and do what they were always supposed to do, but those areas can get repurposed and do what they are not supposed to do. See Rachel, from the book Being With Rachel (see my review) learning to store her memory in parts of her brain not meant for memory storage; and Mark Hogancamp, from the documentary Marwencol (see my review) storing his new memories in photographs.
Dolphins see with their eyes, but also with ultra-sound.
Google "Albinism’s impact on vision", wherein it says, In a normal eye, the macula is the area of a person’s best vision that focuses on an image such as a person’s face. The fovea zeros in on detail such as seeing a freckle on someone’s face. In people with Albinism, the fovea is underdeveloped, meaning an Albino would see the forest but not the trees, recognizing faces but not noticing freckles.
I am the opposite, I have to study someone’s face intently, searching out that specific detail to remember them by, while never remembering the face as a whole.
Researchers have developed a method to research the brain activity of people who have been blind since birth. It works like a video-game. Players have to navigate through a building in search of diamonds. But the game does not use images, it uses sounds.
Players figure out where they are by listening to their environment in 3-D sound. The sound of a knock indicates the location of a door. A ping means the player has bumped into a piece of furniture. The diamonds make a twinkling noise thet grows louder as the players approach.
They found thet when sighted subjects make strategic decisions, they used the hippocampus, the brain’s memory center. But the blind subjects used the visual cortex.
Like all books about Autism, the evil school system is mentioned: I recently had a conversation with a parent who’s 4th Grader was exceptional at art, but the school wanted to discourage him because his extreme devotion to drawing was “not normal”. This explains my outright hatred of Democracy, a system wherein everyone is required to be dummied down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule. We do not want to discourage his art, but broaden what his art encompasses. If he is drawing pictures of race-cars all the time, ask him to draw the race-track too. Then ask him to draw the streets and buildings around the race-track. If he can do that, you have taken his weakness (obsessional thinking, or fixated subject) and turned it into a strength, a way of understanding relationships between something as simple as a race-car and the rest of society.
I was at a processing plant recently to see a demonstration of robots that do some of the difficult dangerous jobs. I asked who programmed the robots, and was told it was done by 5 people from China and India. So I asked why they did not use people from the USA. "Because", I was told, "our educational system does not produce bright young minds with the right combination of electrical engineering and computer engineering." It is as if the word/fact thinkers have taken over the educational system [“teaching” the brains right out of them with book-learning in a class-room, mindlessly parroting pointless crap they will never use; the epitome of Democracy in action].
Jacob Barrett, at the time a pre-teen Autistic, was so bored in grade-school math class that he started to hate math. Finally, out of frustration, he sat down with a bunch of textbooks and taught himself the entire high-school math curriculum … in 2 weeks! Then he went to college at the age of 12. Fuck the Public Skkkool system.
Temple does in fact think clear across the Spectrum in this interesting book.
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The Body Ecology Diet
Recovering your health and rebuilding your immunity
by Donna Gates.
I was born with a sensitive constitution, including an allergy to milk. I had constant lung problems and colds. When my skin broke out during my teen years, I started taking antibiotics. My skin was very yellow, I had low energy, and sometimes I would be very spacey for no apparent reason. The antibiotics led to food allergies and digestive problems; my skin did not clear up unless I took antibiotics every day. I went to a dermatologist and complained thet the antibiotics made my stomach burn and gave me indigestion, but he said not to worry, people stay on antibiotics for years with no problems.
This is so typical of doctors, stating thet since some people can take this drug without side-effect, that means you are not allowed to complain if you have a negative reaction.
Some 40 years ago, antibiotics (against life) became the magic bullets in curing disease. They were considered miracle drugs. Doctors prescribed antibiotics for such maladies as colds and acne [Cold and Acne are viruses. Antibiotics have no effect on viruses, they only fight infections]. But antibiotics kill not only disease-causing bacteria, they also kill beneficial bacteria, upset the body's inner ecology, and allow unfriendly organisms to take over.
One of the most common types of unfriendly organisms is Candida Albicans. It is a pathogenic yeast normally present on inner and outer body surfaces, and it co-exists alongside friendly micro-organisms. It thrives when you eat a high-sugar, acid-forming, low mineral diet. If you are eating improperly, or taking antibiotics, or changing your chemistry with birth control pills, you are providing candida with a perfect environment in which to grab control. It can quickly spread to the blood-stream and begin creating colonies of yeast in every organ.
Overgrowth of Candida is linked to many symptoms, including food allergies, digestive disorders, PMS, skin rashes, chronic constipation, recurring headaches, chronic vaginitis, chemical and environmental sensitivities, poor memory, and low sex-drive.
To reverse this overgrowth of Candida requires 2 actions; killing off the bad yeast and other parasitic organisms by creating a mineral-rich slightly alkaline blood, and then re-colonizing the friendly bacteria thus restoring proper digestion.
It is essential thet the food you eat is properly assimilated and eliminated. Rule 1: eat until your stomach is 80% full, leaving 20% for digesting. Rule 2: 80% of your food should be land or ocean vegetables.
A yeast or fungal infection is involved in more than 80% of all cases of Colitis or Crohn's.
She spends a lot of time discussing alkaline and acid producing foods and which of each are allowed on her diet.
The only fruit allowed are lemons, limes, unsweetened cranberries, and black currants. These are acidic. Low in sugar, they do not create yeast overgrowth. All other fruits are too sweet. As your health improves you may introduce more fruit - grapefruit and kiwi, as these are also low sugar.
If you eat protein and starch together, the acidic and alkaline conditions these produce neutralize each other and effectively stop digestion. Resulting in the general rule to never mix protein with carbohydrates.
Your blood type offers a clue to how much protein you need. Type As can transition into a totally vegetarian diet. Type Os will always do best with some animal protein each day. Type Bs and A/Bs will find themselves thriving on moderation - some animal-based proteins, and many meals grain-based.
I refer you to my review of the wonderful book Eat Right For Your Type. I believe this diet is almost as necessary for Autistics as the GF/CF diet.
During the initial therapeutic version of the diet, do not eat beets, parsnips, sweet potatoes, russet potatoes, nor yams - they are all too high in natural sugars. The sugar feeds the yeast all Autistics are susceptible to.
Do not eat mushrooms - they are too expansive [I assume this means they swell up during digestion, stretching your already damaged gut]. Mushrooms are also literally mold - Autistics cannot eat mold. See my recommendations on my How To Recover page.
Do not eat tomatoes, for they are acid-forming. Type Os are especially distressed by eating berries, tomatoes, and citrus. These things are the cause of 'acid reflux disease'.
Eggplant, and green bell peppers (which are merely red bell peppers picked before they get ripe) are members of the Deadly Nightshade family and often irritate the nervous system.
Do not eat indoor, tray-grown wheat grass, it is too expansive and too sweet.
Do not eat mung bean sprouts, they typically have mold on them. I buy bulk mung beans, and instead of sprouting them I cook them like pinto beans. They are very tasty and have no Gluten. They are also astronomically expensive compared to pintos, but are nice for an occasional change of pace.
Donna goes on for a few pages talking about a miracle cure-all herb called Stevia, which she strongly recommends - in fact she has another book called The Stevia Story; a tale of incredible sweetness and intrigue, which tells of its health benefits and the political corruption used by the sugar and artificial sweetener industries and their puppet/whores in the FDA to keep it out of your food. Also see www.stevia.net.
Several teas are especially healing and anti-fungal; Mathake, Echinacia, and Pau D'Arco. You can have as much of these as you want.
She tells us to be careful to avoid any fruit juice until your yeast is gone. Most fruit juices, especially apple, are extremely high in yeast-feeding sucrose. The tradition of feeding children apple juice is horrible - it is like feeding them pure liquid sugar.
She gives us much advice on the proper techniques of juicing.
She also raves about “Coconut Water Kefir”, which is basically fermented coconut water (not to be confused with coconut milk). It stops cravings for sugar; aids in digestion; tones the intestines; cleanses the liver, resulting in a glowing complexion, fading of liver spots, and the reduction of moles; is high in minerals; and has a cleaning effect on the adrenals, thyroid, pituitary, and ovaries; and gives one an overall increase in energy.
She recommends a vitamin supplement called Vitality SuperGreen.
She warns against milk-based Kefir until your leaky gut is healed, as the Casein in the milk causes food allergies.
If you are Autistic you may never again ingest Casein, even after your gut is healed.
She explains the difference between goat and cow’s milk; goat’s milk turns to alkali in your blood, as does human milk, while cow’s milk turns to acid, actually causing Osteoporosis. Cow’s milk is outright poison to humans, while goats milk in moderation can be good for some. Not mentioned in this book is thet goat’s milk contains more Casein than cow’s milk, thus Autistics cannot touch any milk at all.
Drinking goat’s milk will increase Calcium and Phosphorous levels, but cause an imbalance in Magnesium. Magnesium deficiency is the major cause of constipation, and Restless Leg Syndrome , or any muscle spasms, is a direct result of a Magnesium deficiency.
She points out the fact thet ingesting any milk product causes ear infections, and thet massive doses of Vitamin C can cure it. Though she still recommends the Kefir version of milk products (for those who can tolerate it); The Russians know thet Kefir helps build a strong immune system. Upon arriving at school, every child is offered a glass of plain Kefir, compliments of the Russian Government.
If you are lactose intolerant, try Kefir. The bacteria in it digest milk sugar lactose.
Artificial sweeteners suppress the immune system.
Flax seed tea is excellent for healing the colon. It is especially valuable if you suffer from Leaky Gut, Irritable Bowel, Spastic Colon, Colitis, or otherwise bloody stools.
She again points out thet any milk products, other than Kefir, cause infertility from blocked Fallopian tubes, cancer of the breast and cervix, endometriosis (a painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus form on the outside), menstrual cramps, ovarian tumors, and vaginal infections.
She comments on the horror of the pharmaceutical industry who sells yeast infection medications to 75% of American women. They know yeast infections are caused by bad diet, intentionally withhold this information, and then make billions of dollars poking poison down your throat and squirting it up your vagina.
She refers to the book Eat Right For Your Type, explaining how people of differing blood types need different forms of exercise; e.g., Type Os need frantic exercise, while Type As need Yoga.
She points out thet adding mega-vitamins to bad diet is no solution.
She recommends the book Know Your Fats by Mary G Enig.
She again references the book Eat Right For Your Type, stating thet all people with Type A blood are lactose intolerant, as all Type Os are allergic to coconut, and all Type Bs will have extreme neurological reactions to vaccines.
With over 80% of your immune system centered in your intestines, physical and emotional well-being start right there.
She has a chapter on ocean vegetables specifically, stating Ocean vegetables are important to restoring your body ecology because they naturally control the growth of pathogenic bacteria, fungi, and viruses. They are rich in minerals and trace elements lacking in our diets today, and these are organized in such a way that the body can utilize them easily, so we digest and assimilate them well. They are key to restoring and maintaining proper acid/alkaline balance in the body. They strengthen the nervous and immune systems, and actually have the ability to remove radioactive elements and carcinogens.
Here is a list: Dulce, Nori, Kombu, Agar, Arame, Hijiki, and Wakame.
She again raves about the wonder herb Stevia, and includes 7 recipes for Stevia-based meals.
She ends the book with more recommended reading, specifically: The D’Adamo Diet, One Man’s Food Is Someone Else’s Poison, Eat Right For Your Type, and You Are Your Blood Type: The biological key to unlocking the secrets of your personality.
I am on my personal allergy diet, the GF/CF Diet, and the Blood Type Diet, and have at least incorporated many aspects of this Body Ecology Diet. I intend to stay on all of them permanently, as they have collectively changed my life and probably even saved my life.
Autism is mainly an intestinal disorder caused by the damage done by vaccines, thus repairing the damaged gut is the #1 priority in recovering from Autism. Diet of course is the best first step.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recovering your health and rebuilding your immunity
by Donna Gates.
I was born with a sensitive constitution, including an allergy to milk. I had constant lung problems and colds. When my skin broke out during my teen years, I started taking antibiotics. My skin was very yellow, I had low energy, and sometimes I would be very spacey for no apparent reason. The antibiotics led to food allergies and digestive problems; my skin did not clear up unless I took antibiotics every day. I went to a dermatologist and complained thet the antibiotics made my stomach burn and gave me indigestion, but he said not to worry, people stay on antibiotics for years with no problems.
This is so typical of doctors, stating thet since some people can take this drug without side-effect, that means you are not allowed to complain if you have a negative reaction.
Some 40 years ago, antibiotics (against life) became the magic bullets in curing disease. They were considered miracle drugs. Doctors prescribed antibiotics for such maladies as colds and acne [Cold and Acne are viruses. Antibiotics have no effect on viruses, they only fight infections]. But antibiotics kill not only disease-causing bacteria, they also kill beneficial bacteria, upset the body's inner ecology, and allow unfriendly organisms to take over.
One of the most common types of unfriendly organisms is Candida Albicans. It is a pathogenic yeast normally present on inner and outer body surfaces, and it co-exists alongside friendly micro-organisms. It thrives when you eat a high-sugar, acid-forming, low mineral diet. If you are eating improperly, or taking antibiotics, or changing your chemistry with birth control pills, you are providing candida with a perfect environment in which to grab control. It can quickly spread to the blood-stream and begin creating colonies of yeast in every organ.
Overgrowth of Candida is linked to many symptoms, including food allergies, digestive disorders, PMS, skin rashes, chronic constipation, recurring headaches, chronic vaginitis, chemical and environmental sensitivities, poor memory, and low sex-drive.
To reverse this overgrowth of Candida requires 2 actions; killing off the bad yeast and other parasitic organisms by creating a mineral-rich slightly alkaline blood, and then re-colonizing the friendly bacteria thus restoring proper digestion.
It is essential thet the food you eat is properly assimilated and eliminated. Rule 1: eat until your stomach is 80% full, leaving 20% for digesting. Rule 2: 80% of your food should be land or ocean vegetables.
A yeast or fungal infection is involved in more than 80% of all cases of Colitis or Crohn's.
She spends a lot of time discussing alkaline and acid producing foods and which of each are allowed on her diet.
The only fruit allowed are lemons, limes, unsweetened cranberries, and black currants. These are acidic. Low in sugar, they do not create yeast overgrowth. All other fruits are too sweet. As your health improves you may introduce more fruit - grapefruit and kiwi, as these are also low sugar.
If you eat protein and starch together, the acidic and alkaline conditions these produce neutralize each other and effectively stop digestion. Resulting in the general rule to never mix protein with carbohydrates.
Your blood type offers a clue to how much protein you need. Type As can transition into a totally vegetarian diet. Type Os will always do best with some animal protein each day. Type Bs and A/Bs will find themselves thriving on moderation - some animal-based proteins, and many meals grain-based.
I refer you to my review of the wonderful book Eat Right For Your Type. I believe this diet is almost as necessary for Autistics as the GF/CF diet.
During the initial therapeutic version of the diet, do not eat beets, parsnips, sweet potatoes, russet potatoes, nor yams - they are all too high in natural sugars. The sugar feeds the yeast all Autistics are susceptible to.
Do not eat mushrooms - they are too expansive [I assume this means they swell up during digestion, stretching your already damaged gut]. Mushrooms are also literally mold - Autistics cannot eat mold. See my recommendations on my How To Recover page.
Do not eat tomatoes, for they are acid-forming. Type Os are especially distressed by eating berries, tomatoes, and citrus. These things are the cause of 'acid reflux disease'.
Eggplant, and green bell peppers (which are merely red bell peppers picked before they get ripe) are members of the Deadly Nightshade family and often irritate the nervous system.
Do not eat indoor, tray-grown wheat grass, it is too expansive and too sweet.
Do not eat mung bean sprouts, they typically have mold on them. I buy bulk mung beans, and instead of sprouting them I cook them like pinto beans. They are very tasty and have no Gluten. They are also astronomically expensive compared to pintos, but are nice for an occasional change of pace.
Donna goes on for a few pages talking about a miracle cure-all herb called Stevia, which she strongly recommends - in fact she has another book called The Stevia Story; a tale of incredible sweetness and intrigue, which tells of its health benefits and the political corruption used by the sugar and artificial sweetener industries and their puppet/whores in the FDA to keep it out of your food. Also see www.stevia.net.
Several teas are especially healing and anti-fungal; Mathake, Echinacia, and Pau D'Arco. You can have as much of these as you want.
She tells us to be careful to avoid any fruit juice until your yeast is gone. Most fruit juices, especially apple, are extremely high in yeast-feeding sucrose. The tradition of feeding children apple juice is horrible - it is like feeding them pure liquid sugar.
She gives us much advice on the proper techniques of juicing.
She also raves about “Coconut Water Kefir”, which is basically fermented coconut water (not to be confused with coconut milk). It stops cravings for sugar; aids in digestion; tones the intestines; cleanses the liver, resulting in a glowing complexion, fading of liver spots, and the reduction of moles; is high in minerals; and has a cleaning effect on the adrenals, thyroid, pituitary, and ovaries; and gives one an overall increase in energy.
She recommends a vitamin supplement called Vitality SuperGreen.
She warns against milk-based Kefir until your leaky gut is healed, as the Casein in the milk causes food allergies.
If you are Autistic you may never again ingest Casein, even after your gut is healed.
She explains the difference between goat and cow’s milk; goat’s milk turns to alkali in your blood, as does human milk, while cow’s milk turns to acid, actually causing Osteoporosis. Cow’s milk is outright poison to humans, while goats milk in moderation can be good for some. Not mentioned in this book is thet goat’s milk contains more Casein than cow’s milk, thus Autistics cannot touch any milk at all.
Drinking goat’s milk will increase Calcium and Phosphorous levels, but cause an imbalance in Magnesium. Magnesium deficiency is the major cause of constipation, and Restless Leg Syndrome , or any muscle spasms, is a direct result of a Magnesium deficiency.
She points out the fact thet ingesting any milk product causes ear infections, and thet massive doses of Vitamin C can cure it. Though she still recommends the Kefir version of milk products (for those who can tolerate it); The Russians know thet Kefir helps build a strong immune system. Upon arriving at school, every child is offered a glass of plain Kefir, compliments of the Russian Government.
If you are lactose intolerant, try Kefir. The bacteria in it digest milk sugar lactose.
Artificial sweeteners suppress the immune system.
Flax seed tea is excellent for healing the colon. It is especially valuable if you suffer from Leaky Gut, Irritable Bowel, Spastic Colon, Colitis, or otherwise bloody stools.
She again points out thet any milk products, other than Kefir, cause infertility from blocked Fallopian tubes, cancer of the breast and cervix, endometriosis (a painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus form on the outside), menstrual cramps, ovarian tumors, and vaginal infections.
She comments on the horror of the pharmaceutical industry who sells yeast infection medications to 75% of American women. They know yeast infections are caused by bad diet, intentionally withhold this information, and then make billions of dollars poking poison down your throat and squirting it up your vagina.
She refers to the book Eat Right For Your Type, explaining how people of differing blood types need different forms of exercise; e.g., Type Os need frantic exercise, while Type As need Yoga.
She points out thet adding mega-vitamins to bad diet is no solution.
She recommends the book Know Your Fats by Mary G Enig.
She again references the book Eat Right For Your Type, stating thet all people with Type A blood are lactose intolerant, as all Type Os are allergic to coconut, and all Type Bs will have extreme neurological reactions to vaccines.
With over 80% of your immune system centered in your intestines, physical and emotional well-being start right there.
She has a chapter on ocean vegetables specifically, stating Ocean vegetables are important to restoring your body ecology because they naturally control the growth of pathogenic bacteria, fungi, and viruses. They are rich in minerals and trace elements lacking in our diets today, and these are organized in such a way that the body can utilize them easily, so we digest and assimilate them well. They are key to restoring and maintaining proper acid/alkaline balance in the body. They strengthen the nervous and immune systems, and actually have the ability to remove radioactive elements and carcinogens.
Here is a list: Dulce, Nori, Kombu, Agar, Arame, Hijiki, and Wakame.
She again raves about the wonder herb Stevia, and includes 7 recipes for Stevia-based meals.
She ends the book with more recommended reading, specifically: The D’Adamo Diet, One Man’s Food Is Someone Else’s Poison, Eat Right For Your Type, and You Are Your Blood Type: The biological key to unlocking the secrets of your personality.
I am on my personal allergy diet, the GF/CF Diet, and the Blood Type Diet, and have at least incorporated many aspects of this Body Ecology Diet. I intend to stay on all of them permanently, as they have collectively changed my life and probably even saved my life.
Autism is mainly an intestinal disorder caused by the damage done by vaccines, thus repairing the damaged gut is the #1 priority in recovering from Autism. Diet of course is the best first step.
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The Boy Who Loved Windows
by Patricia Stacey
Very much like the above-mentioned Accept No Autism, this book is written by a mom who knew nothing of Autism when her child was born, but became an expert by the end.
Strait from the womb this child, Walker, was obviously severely Autistic, but the utterly useless medical profession continually told the mom to "let nature take it's course", and "it is all in your head".
Dismissing them as the morons they all are, she found several alternative helpers, and through them started learning all about Autism. In this book, she alternates her style of writing from personal journal to clinical lecture.
Children with Sensory Integration problems can also be hypo-sensitive in 1 or more areas, even within the same area. I learned that certain sound frequencies may drive someone crazy with their intensity, while others are hard to hear. Or a person might have over-sensitive hearing yet be under-sensitive visually. A tactilely hypo-sensitive child might need to throw himself against a wall just to know where he exists, just to feel himself in space. Walker flailed in space because his sense of the location of his limbs, his body parts, and even the boundaries of his own being was not working well. Walker was spending most of his energy simply trying to figure out where he was.
Walker and I were barely in the examining room when Lansky said, "He has an eye lag. The eyes do not move together." I asked him what that meant. "It means he may not be seeing us. It may mean he only sees flashing lights, or may be experiencing storms in the brain. I suggest we give him supplements. Are you nursing?" I nodded. "We will give you supplements. Over 50% of the brain is made up of these types of fatty acids. You know how people used to give babies fish oil? Well, that is essentially what we are going to give him, but there is a designer version out now, free of metallic pollutants - DHA. We are going to stuff these into him. You will take 6 of these a day - very expensive but worth it. We will also give him Taurine for the retina. Babies cannot make enough taurine. Neither can cats. If cats do not get enough of this stuff they lose their ability to see at night. The baby will also need Taurine to make bile salts to absorb these fats. We will also give him Biotin to help regulate nerve-firing in his brain."
Eye-doctors who can measure and sometimes correct for many of these differences are called "behavioral optometrists", and view sight as a neurological function, a process of perceptual interpretation. They test for eye-tracking, teaming (the integration of information comming into the eyes), visual focusing (1 eye's ability to focus in tandem with the other eye), depth-perception, and visual perceptual skills which affect balance and how the body moves. All of us possess varying abilities to perceive visual information.
1 boy was reported by a behavioral optometrist to see twice as much as the average person. The boy had an anxiety disorder - no wonder. Another boy was terrified of dogs and could not catch a ball, until a behavioral optometrist caught what a traditional practitioner [the useless medical profession] had been unable to - that the boy's visual teaming was not functioning. The first day he received corrective lenses, he caught a ball and let a dog walk right up to him. Such stories were a revelation to me about the connection between perception and behavior. I struggled to understand Walker's visual sensitivity, which was profound - the worst of his sensitivities. He was probably not even using his eyesight much of the time.
His eyes would blankly pan across his mother's face and fix on the window across the room (thus the title of this book) because the contrast of light and dark was all he could see. There was nothing wrong with his eyes, it was his Autistic brain's processing ability thet was the problem.
I too am nearly unable to catch a ball or visually keep track of anything thet is moving fast. Even my job at the fish cannery was too much for my processing ability because the fish would go by on the conveyor belt too fast for my processor to keep up with.
I have to wear brown anti-glare lenses in conjunction with my regular glasses thet turn very dark in the sun. I hate ball games because I am a genius, but even if I was dumb enough to like sports I would not be able to "get it" because the ball moves too fast for me to see.
They believe the Terbutaline (an injection thet prevents women from going into pre-mature labor) she was given was responsible for her children's Autism. The doctors figured it this way: Why would fraternal (non-identical) triplets all have the same disease? How could genetics factor for that? What were the genetic odds? It must have been something post-conception that caused the Autism. The mother was given Terbutaline. They have found other Terbutaline women with Autistic kids.
My absolute contempt for the medical profession cannot be fully expressed. They believe the disposable unborn are more valuable than the mature breeder mom, who is thus injected with poison so deadly it damages both the baby and the mother's natural ability to miscarry. There is no such thing as a premature birth, there are only late miscarriages, caused by Dr Wannabe-God meddling with the natural process (of Nature disposing of the runts).
Then if she gives a full-term birth to a healthy baby, the doctors immediately squirt mercury in the baby's eye to prevent it from going blind from Syphilis! (mercury poisoning has the same symptoms as Autism.) This is an obvious manifestation of the male doctor being terrified of women. He has this bizarre delusion thet he himself "delivered" the baby, and thet all women must of course be diseased whores, and thet "God's babies" are more valuable than the "machine" thet produced them (see the documentaries Pregnant In America and The Business Of Being Born (see my reviews).
A boy heard voices prattling the stuff of daily life: "No, I did not take your keys" ... "Well they were on the bureau" ... "Give me an apple instead". He spoke about and repeated these voices to his family. The boy had seen many doctors, was diagnosed as "Schizophrenic", given various drug "therapies", and even sent away to an Institution. When he was 18, living at home again, he began articulating a series of sentences. His [now jaded] mother left him in mid-sentence and stepped into the back yard to hang laundry. As she approached the fence, she heard something extraordinary - on the other side of the fence 2 women were carrying on the second half of the conversation her son had begun in the house. Doctors were called in, and the diagnosis was changed. The boy was not insane, the voices were real. All these years he had been hearing people speaking through walls.
My absolute contempt for the medical profession cannot be fully expressed. I too was labeled as "Schizophrenic", put on brain-frying drugs by incompetent morons who never talked to me about my case.
I can hear sunlight. I see "too much", thus requiring me to wear brown lenses. I can read minds and communicate telepathically. My processor listens harder when I am asleep than when I am awake. I am superhuman; i.e., Autistic!
No case of Autism has ever existed thet did not include Sensory Processing Disorders.
The above-mentioned "bionic ear boy" was superhuman. He was gifted. So the utter evil of Democracy tried to dummy him down (with Schizophrenia medication!).
Bauman was showing a video tape that illustrated the oddities of how Autistics use language. On it, a boy explained his own personal lexicon: "I call my sister 'the nun'. I call my father 'the lawyer'. I call the television 'mom'." He was not talking like a disconnected person, but sounding more like a poet. Autistic people have an acute sense of awareness, not just in their senses, but also in their psyches. Autistic artist Jessica Park has her own personal way of saying "I don't know". Instead she says, "Partly heard song." (see my reviews of the books The Siege and Exiting Nirvana, both about Jessica). Hans Asperger himself said: "It seems that for success in science and art, a dash of Autism is essential."
In 2001 scientists discovered by using brain-scanning technology that Autistic kids showed no brain activity when exposed to pictures of strangers' faces, but significantly more brain activity than normal people have when exposed to pictures of their mother's faces.
Typically Autistic, I am incredibly bad at remembering faces, and am horrible at visual multitasking. Then I have an unrelated injury to my Fusiform Gyrus (the part of your brain thet recognizes faces), thus I hardly use my eyesight any more than necessary.
Some children with sensory and processing challenges simply could not span the hurdles to make it to speaking. Though some can multiply 20-digit numbers and play Chopin by ear, their minds and tongues simply could not wrap around speech. It is not a matter of intelligence, but mechanics.
Gorillas can be taught up to 1,000 words in sign language, and can understand 1,000 spoken words (they have the mental capacity of a 7-year-old human), but they cannot speak words because, like non-verbal Autistics, they are not mechanically able.
For a very interesting and inspiring article about gorilla vocabulary, see
www.animal-rights-library.com/texts-m/patterson01.htm.
Compare that to how we work with non-verbal Autistics. It is practically identical.
Patricia is not a very good writer. She constantly over-writes her sentances, pointlessly yammering on with embellishments and details thet have nothing to do with the point of the sentance (Ofer Krysake! Get on with it!). It becomes annoying to read at times. She simply needs an editor to rein in her tendency to ramble and over-word.
She also kept losing me with her continual switching in her way of measuring time; i.e., she would say At 10 months Walker did this. At 14 months he did that. At 20 months he did the other. Then she would say, A week after his birthday he did this. What birthday? How many months? 24? No - she meant his third birthday!
She is also an annoying personality in general: she tells of the marital strife thet inevitably comes with having a Special Needs kid (75% of couples with Special Needs kids get divorced). But in every case she was the problem; e.g., her husband declares thet they cannot afford their relative mansion and a Special child, thus they must sell the house and move to 1 they can afford. Her moronic response is thet they can simply max out all their credit cards because she simply does not want to give up her personal comfort in favor of her child.
A couple times in this book I just wanted to yell at her about how stupid she was being, while her angry husband works himself to death, and their communication shuts down to a gritted-teeth dead-zero. BUT, this was also a good point for her to make, thet if you have a kid like this you will inevitably have "marital strife". This sort of "stupid-couple crap" will absolutely raise it's ugly head, and she presents it here honestly in a warts-and-all way.
He looked from 1 of us to the other and back again; he had never done that before. Walker had performed a sophisticated form of social-referencing. From that day on, Walker always looked at us to see if we were impressed with his accomplishments. Within a week of his birthday, he was pointing.
So here is another example of her annoying writing style. I have no idea when Walker's birthday is, thus I cannot determine how much time had passed from his visual-referencing to his pointing.
Joint Attention is when I point at something, and you look at it, thus we are both focused on the same thing. Autistics do not naturally look at what you point to, thus they have practically no Joint Attention.
"Joint Attention" is not only the basis of all language acquisition but is most likely the source of our most important learning. In the mid-80s, researchers discovered that the longer the sustained shared attention and focus, the more the child will learn. In 1990, researchers applied the study of Joint Attention to children with Autism. They discovered that it normally occurs in early infancy around the age of 6 months, and was severely lacking in children with Autism.
If Joint Attention predicts degrees of language acquisition in children with Autism, then there had to be some way to address Walker's relatively-poor Joint Attention skills. What was most exciting about the research was that it was the first research hinting at what Autism might look like in early infancy. Most of the studies available only discussed how Autism looked after the age of 2. Unfortunately no one had discovered a formal way to teach Joint Attention to infants. To researchers, it seemed to be something "babies just do". Walker might never learn more than the few sounds, and he might lose the sounds he had.
Typical children develop gestures to symbolize words approximately 1 month before they start speaking the words. Gestures were important because they showed that children use symbols to communicate actively as a phase of Joint Attention, even before the tongue begins making words.
This is why it is so important to teach Sign Language - not just to Autistics, but to all children. As with gorillas, they can sign 1,000 words before they can speak verbally. Also, non-verbal Autistics will usually start speaking after they have learned 300 words in Sign Language (300 is the magic number in nearly every case).
All Normal kids know about 300 words before they say their first word. There is no reason they could not be carrying on signed conversations in a 300-word vocabulary at the age of 1 1/2.
Physical movement stimulates brain-function. When Walker was grabbing toys we often encouraged him to reach not just forward but crossways, for it connects the 2 parts of this brain left and right. If he can reach across his body, he will be better able to conceptualize an angled line, or triangle, or draw an X, because he has already drawn 1 with his body.
This is an interesting idiosyncrasy of mine: As a drummer I have never been interested in crossing my arms while playing drums. I have seen a lot of drummers do it, especially during frenetic drum solos (as a way of showing off their chops). I have always been greatly impressed by their ability to do so, since I cannot, or at least have not, done so myself. But I never really tried either, because it is just so unnecessary (they are simply showing off).
After reading the above, I suspect my disinterest in such drumming technique is partly caused by my Autistic difficulty in thinking in an X.
This is also seen in the classic Autistic's impulse to place their toys in a strait vertical line, rather than playing with them as a normal child would.
This is also why zig-zags were mentioned in the above-reviewed book by Tito: "Mother was alert to any noise that the boy made - only distorted sound. The specialist had warned her that Autistics have the tendency to form words that occasionally made no sense at all. The boy was making every possible sound - imagining the letters of words making dialogs. To put that in check, she put him to more tasks, and joined him in making zig-zags, for example, or teaching him."
Making zig-zags took his mind away from what was going on internally. His fixation would be to draw vertical straight lines and/or being stuck in his mind's fixation with Neologisms.
Thus, me playing drums "in a strait line" (not crossing my arms) results in the beats I am playing expressing an emotional definition (at least to me, as with my gibberish words) rather than what it sounds like as music (to someone else). Other musicians were always excited by the way I played, referring to it as "jungle drums", because it was very melodic, and had an emotional feeling to it, rather than just being rythmic. (I could write out a whole page of "Autistic drum lessons" here).
So, another point is: I, as a right-handed drummer, keep time with my left foot rather than my right hand (I do not even have a hi-hat), making me exceptionally ambidextrous, thus a better drummer. Me developing the technique of left foot time-keeping is another manifestation of my Autistic tendencies (all drummers should incorporate, as far as I am concerned), a result of my inability to, or at least disinterest in, playing in an X.
A Normal right-handed drummer will play the snare with their left hand, but play the hi-hat with their right hand, their right arm crossing over their left. It is a natural thing for a Normal person. But as an Autistic, I do not use a hi-hat because I do not want to cross my arms.
Also see Rick Allen (the drummer for Def Leppard) who lost his entire left arm in a car-crash. He went on to play with his left foot (on electric trigger pedals) what he used to play with his left arm. He is an extreme example of the Autistic inability to cross his arms while playing, while not even being Autistic! I would love to be in his body as he played.
Also see Rick's web site at www.ravendrumfoundation.org.
In 1996 a child with Autism and gastroenterological complaints underwent a routine GI procedure. Within days, the child could speak. The parents discovered thet their child had been given a hormone called Secretin, which was originally designed to improve absorption to catalyze the diagnostic test. Now doctors can give Secretin for unprecedented purposes so thet a child who had looked away could make eye-contact, and a non-verbal child could talk. We were beginning to learn the connection between GI problems and Autism.
Baumann excitedly talked about the weird substances found in the urine of Autistics - 1 of them an exotic poison similar to Poison Arrow Frogs, and another similar to residue found in wine barrels after fermentation. Autistics bodies do not metabolize food properly [due to the damage done by vaccines and antibiotics, their digestive system mutates nutrients into poisons] allows chemicals to absorb into the bloodstream and make their way to the brain as poisonous opiates.
Patricia relates some more infuriating stories about dealing with belligerent moron medical doctors who become visibly angry if the parent (who by now is a relative expert on Autism) suggests a connection between diet and behavior.
She produced a small super-ball, flicked it across the room, where it bounced off the wall and came half-way back across the room. "Go get it, Walker", she said. Walker looked around, almost dizzied. He was not looking where the ball was at all. He had almost missed the motion completely. He picked up a doll.
This is me. I was never as bad as Walker, but to this day I have trouble tracking movement with my eyes - even relatively slow things, like fish on a conveyor belt.
It must have been painful to watch him stare around like a deer in headlights and then pick up a doll in bewilderment.
These poor kids.
I just stopped and had a good cry.
Aspergers do not feel empathy toward the Normals, but in the case of any Autistic, I empathize greatly.
I cried over how evil this world is, and how little kids are the ones who suffer the most.
I also admitted I was crying for myself (Poor me, I was Walker and no one cared). I must allow myself to grieve and mourn that, rather than be so angry about it, as I have done all my life.
Anger is a tantrum and it makes one feel powerful. Grief makes one feel pathetic and weak, thus anger energy becomes addictive, while never properly grieving. I am an expert on that.
I must allow my ego to feel weak, for only then can I heal that neglected child within, who has been hiding behind arrogant anger his whole life (see my review of the movie Lars and the Real Girl, wherein an Autistic man publicly displayed his admission of weakness as his way of accepting himself as broken).
The average person only talks about sports and video games. They are morons who do not know anything. I feel anger, I feel horrified, I feel grief.
Now thet Walker could talk, the next step in therapy was to bombard him with what, when, where, why, and how questions; the answers to which Autistics usually have trouble sorting out (See Jessica Park in the documentary Oliver Sacks: Rage for Order, wheren she goes into a rage if someone asks her "what".)
After a year of constant questions, Walker could have held his own on any talk-show.
This book shows me thet all children should be raised as Autistics. If these therapies can make such miraculous changes in severely Autistic kids, think of what an absolute genius a Normal child would be by the age of 3 if they went through these same treatments.
The main treatment thet made the most difference for Walker was Floor Time. The basics of it are presented below, after this review.
Autistics are often so good at Embedded Figure Tests (tests for picking out specific geometrical shapes within a complex picture) that you hardly have time to get the experimental material out on the table before they have spotted the target. There is a significant over-representation of engineering among fathers of children with Autism.
Cliff (Walker's father) in some ways fits the broad Autistic phenotype. He has significant talent in certain areas. He is an architect, has an extremely high aptitude for math, and acute visual awareness. He, like Walker, solves puzzles easily and has a gift for pattern recognition, and in temperament is an introvert. (Is it a coincidence thet the last 2 books I read on Autism were written by mothers of children with Autism whose husbands were Architects? See my review of the documentary My Father the Genius.)
My father and his brother Wayne both have Aspergers. My dad specifically is musically gifted, hyper-sensitive to light, and a voracious reader. Thus I am all of the above. My father is also a math whiz, though I suck at math.
My mother is also obsessed with reading, and is a musician.
Both of my parents are Paranoid Schizophrenics, as are my 4 siblings, all of whom are also writers, artists, and musicians.
Autistic Ladyhawke was obsessed with puzzles as a kid and went on to be a professional musician, and Autistic Jessica Park's paintings are an obvious expression of her fascination with geometric shapes.
Patricia analyzed her own past, remembering thet as a teenager she would get migraines from sunlight, and felt nauseated in a hot bath because it was just too much stimulation. Her other child, a Neurotypical and very bright girl, is hyper-sensitive to weight pressure - saying it hurts when her mother puts her arm around her too heavily, but complains it tickles too much if the touch is not heavy enough.
Mom was sensitive to light, and dad was a math-nerd. Then mom received a routine injection from the brain-dead medical profession, and now they have a messed up kid who's brain and guts are a disaster area. Who would have thought?
My parents were evil for having children; these people were not - they simply had petty foibles like everyone else.
My unfit parents never told me what was ever going on. They would meet with the evil teachers at school to maliciously discuss my case, but none of them ever asked me what I thought was wrong, nor even mentioned any of it to me.
When I was 11 or 12 they ambushed me with the above-mentioned Embedded Figure Test. The person giving the test was in such a state of anxiety thet my psychic receptivity put me into tunnel vision and anxiety; my heart pounded enough to almost make me faint, I could not see anything but the strobing florescent lights in that tiny claustrophobic room, I was sweating from anxiety, and the administrator was steely-eyed anxiety-attack personified, with a stop-watch! It put me in a panic.
I asked what was going on, but he dismissed my questions, assuming I had already been told all about the test (my abusive parents had intentionally kept me ignorant of). I was nearly in tears before we even started (I felt I had been set-up to be sabotaged). The pressure was unbearable.
It was a pattern recognition test (as mentioned above, you hardly have time to get the experimental material out on the table before they have spotted the target), and I am sure I flunked every aspect of it, for I was nearly blind from the tunnel-vision and strobing lights, and the wack-job administrator filled the room with such anxiety I could hardly breathe.
Then of course I was feeling anxiety about the change in my routine - being yanked from my regular class and thrown into some surprise test. I was so far beyond a deer in headlights.
No teachers nor my parents talked to me about the results of the test. It was 34 years later (!) thet my mother said they had tested me in school and it was recognized thet something was wrong with me but no one knew what to do about it. So they just shrugged me off!
Welcome to public school were I was slapped by "teachers", and viciously attacked by witch-burning lynch-mobs of terrified kids every day. The teacher forced me to write my own name on a piece of paper 500 times. That is all I really remember about public school.
I went on to get an A++ in art, but pretty much flunked everything else. My parents never acknowledged my artistic genius, they just spanked me with a belt for getting bad grades in Math.
I am an Aspie, I think in 90% words. Numbers are not words so they do not make any sense to me; i.e., I will always go deer in headlights when presented with 5th Grade Math.
Every time some American school-kid flips-out and guns down half the school, part of me sincerely smiles (I say that in dripping sarcasm).
Patricia continues: I began remembering sensations I had craved when I was little. I laid in bed and longed to find a scab to scratch off. I loved the feeling of resistance that pulling off scabs gave my skin, loved the tearing feeling around my skin - the sensation of unusual resistance somehow made me feel more alive. I also used to bite my arms. When we sat in the back of the station wagon on long trips, I bit my arm hard, studied the teeth-marks. Afterward I sucked on my skin and let the fine hairs tickle my lips. Dad used to say, "You were not meant for this world, Patsy. Neither was I." It suddenly occurred to me thet he too might have had a sensitive nervous system. Perhaps the whole family did.
Measles immunizations are responsible for causing damage to the gut lining, leaving it permeable (leaky gut). They found measles in the ileum of the small intestines of Autistics. The virus is inflaming the colon and intestines, letting opioids pass through to the bloodstream, making their way to the brain [reiterating what was said above about Poison Arrow Frog-like toxins].
At the age of 6 and 7, I passed bloody stools, and had chronic intestinal pain. I had a spastic colon which would expel the vaccines as sticky slimy transparent yellow goo (both sticky and slimy like a snail-trail, but in quantities of 2 tablespoons at a time) thet smelled strongly of burning plastic. With that amount of toxins in your gut, you can imagine how it is effecting your brain. By the time I was a teenager, I shat bright red blood thet smelled like menstrual blood. By the time I was 35 I was passing 1/8 cup of bright red blood with every bowel movement (usually twice a day).
After that I quit work entirely, went to a clinic in Nevada (Nevada being the only State where it is legal to cure diseases - the corrupt medical profession banning cures in all other States) and got my allergies which were exhausting my immune system, my colitis and ulcers (both of which are actually forms of Herpes), and my intestinal yeast overgrowth under control. Only then could I have the "mental capacity" (I do not mean I was Retarded, I mean I was poisoned) to start working on my personal problems.
All of this was caused by the vaccines I had been given by the evil drug-pushing medical profession over the years.
At 18 months I was given vaccines thet my mother says turned me into "a worried old man". When I was 11 they gave me MMR, which gave me full blown Measles Mumps and Rubella all at once. I was kept out of school for having Measles twice!
At school where the shots were administered, I saw the classic example of all the children being horribly damaged; all of them went into the holding of a high-pitched note, fainted and convulsed, or screamed. I was a high-pitch wail kid. I could feel so obviously the brain damage as all my senses went nearly dead, and have ever since been very inaccurate.
I also want to do research and present here the damage done by Fluoride. I believe the Fluoride treatments I received around that time were just as damaging as the vaccines. They put this tray in my mouth and soaked my teeth in liquid Fluoride. I was severely damaged by that event.
The public school agreed to send Walker to an occupational therapist to work on his auditory sensitivity. They taught us to rub the gum-line just behind the top front teeth and then press quickly on his lower teeth - to be repeated twice, 6 times a day. They said we might see some changes within a few days.
We decided to make a list of Walker's quirks: 1) Excessive sensitivity to loud noise. 2) Afraid to go outside, and afraid of construction equipment. 3) Excitability at night - hard to get him to go to sleep. 4) Disorganized and hard to get going in the morning. 5) Poor appetite in the morning. 6) Excited in proximity of other kids - pokes and pushes them.
The protocol seemed counter-intuitive; we knew spinning the kids could help desensitize them, but spinning was directly related to the sense of movement it was treating. What did his massaging his upper palate have to do with his irritation from a noisy lawnmower?
On Friday we began the protocol. On Saturday morning Cliff and I were sleeping. Walker silently entered, stood beside us, and began speaking: "Time to get up! Time to get up!", he called like an eager Boy Scout. "Look. I dressed myself", he added. I sat up to see him wearing pants, a well-matched shirt, and socks. Walker had never before dressed himself; yet on this morning he had not only done so but had performed an unprecedented act of choosing his own outfit (a high degree of organizational skill for any pre-schooler). In the following days we saw changes we could not imagine: He volunteered to be toilet trained. He actually asked for breakfast. He could suddenly tolerate sitting next to other kids without poking them. In the car he usually refused to listen to anything but conversation, but now he would listen to any radio station I wanted. He used to be so excitable around other people that he wanted to be the only one engaging our visitors - he talked excitedly, making his interjections, dominating the evening; yet that first Saturday night, he sat quietly during dinner with our guests, asking intelligent questions, as if he had emotionally grown by years. He no longer stalled when leaving the house. One of the most profound changes happened to his sense of hearing; he could now spend hours in a noisy arcade without complaint. Walker's progress with desensitization therapy was so transforming that it made me wonder whether sensory problems might be responsible for a host of behaviors we attribute to immaturity and naughtiness in all healthy children. The nervous system may play a more vital role in our children's focus, temperament, and learning than we ever imagined.
I have always been obsessed with my teeth. My most frequent Stim over the years has been to chatter my teeth and rub my tongue on that above-mentioned point in my mouth. I was never aware it did any good, it was like a physical twitch I did unconsciously. My severely Schizophrenic sister does that too.
I have always enjoyed going to the dentist, and it makes me uncomfortable to see people with crooked teeth, and if someone scrapes their teeth on their silver-ware it makes me almost want to scream.
Apparently my body knew to do this, even if I did not understand why.
So now I will try massaging that point with my fingers several times a day to see what happens.
I thought about Greenspan's words of concern: "Your son has no abstract representation for aggression." Now that talking was the ultimate goal, I understood that the framing of words made it possible to separate ourselves from a feeling, which thus made it possible to put feelings into words. The ultimate form of abstraction for Greenspan was language itself, which is a developmentally high form of representation. The feeling is expressed through conversation, not through fighting or acting out, not through burning down buildings or attacking people. If Walker could talk about his feelings, it would mean he had reached the highest level of emotional maturity for his age. I started stacking the deck by slipping baby dolls into Walker's bath bubbles. He insisted on rescuing the dolls, as I had unfortunately taught him. About a month later he was purposely drowning them with a smug defiant look on his face. I stepped away, turned my back, and let him do it. He drowned it for several nights in a row, me turning not to watch, though I eventually learned to stomach it. During the day at play with friends, he suggested they drown the pirates in the moat around the castle. Later that evening after he had been drowning babies in the tub, I asked, "How does it feel when you drown the baby?" Walker's face grew serious; he leaned back in the tub, pensive, softened. He took on a depth of expression that unnerved me. He said sadly, "We do not know when we are going to die, do we mom?" "No, we don't." I could see he was thinking. He might be thinking about his own death, or the death of his Aunt Debbie which had disturbed him. "I will always remember you mom, even after I die."
This is another very damaging thing my parents did. They were Geminis, terrified of inner self. They were Paranoid Schizophrenics, terrified of their own feelings, thus everyone else's. In perpetual fear they were unable to communicate, thus they never became mature enough to put their feelings into words. This may explain why they forbid me to learn to read and write.
I was forbidden to have toys, for to them everything was a "bad influence", they were afraid my emotions may be expressed if I played. They were always the enemy I had to hide everything from. They would often search my possessions, and in hatred throw away anything thet was not a necessity or clothing. It was also an expression of their "Poverty Thinking to the point of insanity" in thet we were required to be poor, forbidden to have nice things, or even ANY things.
This type of "parenting" drove my 4 siblings mad, while I was always profoundly more mature than anyone else.
So Walker being encouraged to express aggression, even through acted out drowning of babies, was very healthy for his emotional maturity, in thet he could (only then) put his aggressive feelings into words, and thus emotionally mature.
So by this time Walker was considered recovered from Autism.
Excellent book.
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Floortime.
There are 9 major mileposts to child development. Floortime is a play-therapy designed to ascertain whether your child is on schedule in the progression through those mileposts, and teaches the proper techniques for helping the child catch up if they are developmentally delayed.
The main characteristic of Floortime thet makes it different from other therapies is thet it shows you how to follow your child through their development, rather than push them or even lead them through it. This specific teaching method is necessary for Autistic kids, and has been shown to work wonders in some cases.
Also see my review of the book The Hidden Child, which elaborates greatly on the Linwood Method (following rather than leading your child through education).
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by Patricia Stacey
Very much like the above-mentioned Accept No Autism, this book is written by a mom who knew nothing of Autism when her child was born, but became an expert by the end.
Strait from the womb this child, Walker, was obviously severely Autistic, but the utterly useless medical profession continually told the mom to "let nature take it's course", and "it is all in your head".
Dismissing them as the morons they all are, she found several alternative helpers, and through them started learning all about Autism. In this book, she alternates her style of writing from personal journal to clinical lecture.
Children with Sensory Integration problems can also be hypo-sensitive in 1 or more areas, even within the same area. I learned that certain sound frequencies may drive someone crazy with their intensity, while others are hard to hear. Or a person might have over-sensitive hearing yet be under-sensitive visually. A tactilely hypo-sensitive child might need to throw himself against a wall just to know where he exists, just to feel himself in space. Walker flailed in space because his sense of the location of his limbs, his body parts, and even the boundaries of his own being was not working well. Walker was spending most of his energy simply trying to figure out where he was.
Walker and I were barely in the examining room when Lansky said, "He has an eye lag. The eyes do not move together." I asked him what that meant. "It means he may not be seeing us. It may mean he only sees flashing lights, or may be experiencing storms in the brain. I suggest we give him supplements. Are you nursing?" I nodded. "We will give you supplements. Over 50% of the brain is made up of these types of fatty acids. You know how people used to give babies fish oil? Well, that is essentially what we are going to give him, but there is a designer version out now, free of metallic pollutants - DHA. We are going to stuff these into him. You will take 6 of these a day - very expensive but worth it. We will also give him Taurine for the retina. Babies cannot make enough taurine. Neither can cats. If cats do not get enough of this stuff they lose their ability to see at night. The baby will also need Taurine to make bile salts to absorb these fats. We will also give him Biotin to help regulate nerve-firing in his brain."
Eye-doctors who can measure and sometimes correct for many of these differences are called "behavioral optometrists", and view sight as a neurological function, a process of perceptual interpretation. They test for eye-tracking, teaming (the integration of information comming into the eyes), visual focusing (1 eye's ability to focus in tandem with the other eye), depth-perception, and visual perceptual skills which affect balance and how the body moves. All of us possess varying abilities to perceive visual information.
1 boy was reported by a behavioral optometrist to see twice as much as the average person. The boy had an anxiety disorder - no wonder. Another boy was terrified of dogs and could not catch a ball, until a behavioral optometrist caught what a traditional practitioner [the useless medical profession] had been unable to - that the boy's visual teaming was not functioning. The first day he received corrective lenses, he caught a ball and let a dog walk right up to him. Such stories were a revelation to me about the connection between perception and behavior. I struggled to understand Walker's visual sensitivity, which was profound - the worst of his sensitivities. He was probably not even using his eyesight much of the time.
His eyes would blankly pan across his mother's face and fix on the window across the room (thus the title of this book) because the contrast of light and dark was all he could see. There was nothing wrong with his eyes, it was his Autistic brain's processing ability thet was the problem.
I too am nearly unable to catch a ball or visually keep track of anything thet is moving fast. Even my job at the fish cannery was too much for my processing ability because the fish would go by on the conveyor belt too fast for my processor to keep up with.
I have to wear brown anti-glare lenses in conjunction with my regular glasses thet turn very dark in the sun. I hate ball games because I am a genius, but even if I was dumb enough to like sports I would not be able to "get it" because the ball moves too fast for me to see.
They believe the Terbutaline (an injection thet prevents women from going into pre-mature labor) she was given was responsible for her children's Autism. The doctors figured it this way: Why would fraternal (non-identical) triplets all have the same disease? How could genetics factor for that? What were the genetic odds? It must have been something post-conception that caused the Autism. The mother was given Terbutaline. They have found other Terbutaline women with Autistic kids.
My absolute contempt for the medical profession cannot be fully expressed. They believe the disposable unborn are more valuable than the mature breeder mom, who is thus injected with poison so deadly it damages both the baby and the mother's natural ability to miscarry. There is no such thing as a premature birth, there are only late miscarriages, caused by Dr Wannabe-God meddling with the natural process (of Nature disposing of the runts).
Then if she gives a full-term birth to a healthy baby, the doctors immediately squirt mercury in the baby's eye to prevent it from going blind from Syphilis! (mercury poisoning has the same symptoms as Autism.) This is an obvious manifestation of the male doctor being terrified of women. He has this bizarre delusion thet he himself "delivered" the baby, and thet all women must of course be diseased whores, and thet "God's babies" are more valuable than the "machine" thet produced them (see the documentaries Pregnant In America and The Business Of Being Born (see my reviews).
A boy heard voices prattling the stuff of daily life: "No, I did not take your keys" ... "Well they were on the bureau" ... "Give me an apple instead". He spoke about and repeated these voices to his family. The boy had seen many doctors, was diagnosed as "Schizophrenic", given various drug "therapies", and even sent away to an Institution. When he was 18, living at home again, he began articulating a series of sentences. His [now jaded] mother left him in mid-sentence and stepped into the back yard to hang laundry. As she approached the fence, she heard something extraordinary - on the other side of the fence 2 women were carrying on the second half of the conversation her son had begun in the house. Doctors were called in, and the diagnosis was changed. The boy was not insane, the voices were real. All these years he had been hearing people speaking through walls.
My absolute contempt for the medical profession cannot be fully expressed. I too was labeled as "Schizophrenic", put on brain-frying drugs by incompetent morons who never talked to me about my case.
I can hear sunlight. I see "too much", thus requiring me to wear brown lenses. I can read minds and communicate telepathically. My processor listens harder when I am asleep than when I am awake. I am superhuman; i.e., Autistic!
No case of Autism has ever existed thet did not include Sensory Processing Disorders.
The above-mentioned "bionic ear boy" was superhuman. He was gifted. So the utter evil of Democracy tried to dummy him down (with Schizophrenia medication!).
Bauman was showing a video tape that illustrated the oddities of how Autistics use language. On it, a boy explained his own personal lexicon: "I call my sister 'the nun'. I call my father 'the lawyer'. I call the television 'mom'." He was not talking like a disconnected person, but sounding more like a poet. Autistic people have an acute sense of awareness, not just in their senses, but also in their psyches. Autistic artist Jessica Park has her own personal way of saying "I don't know". Instead she says, "Partly heard song." (see my reviews of the books The Siege and Exiting Nirvana, both about Jessica). Hans Asperger himself said: "It seems that for success in science and art, a dash of Autism is essential."
In 2001 scientists discovered by using brain-scanning technology that Autistic kids showed no brain activity when exposed to pictures of strangers' faces, but significantly more brain activity than normal people have when exposed to pictures of their mother's faces.
Typically Autistic, I am incredibly bad at remembering faces, and am horrible at visual multitasking. Then I have an unrelated injury to my Fusiform Gyrus (the part of your brain thet recognizes faces), thus I hardly use my eyesight any more than necessary.
Some children with sensory and processing challenges simply could not span the hurdles to make it to speaking. Though some can multiply 20-digit numbers and play Chopin by ear, their minds and tongues simply could not wrap around speech. It is not a matter of intelligence, but mechanics.
Gorillas can be taught up to 1,000 words in sign language, and can understand 1,000 spoken words (they have the mental capacity of a 7-year-old human), but they cannot speak words because, like non-verbal Autistics, they are not mechanically able.
For a very interesting and inspiring article about gorilla vocabulary, see
www.animal-rights-library.com/texts-m/patterson01.htm.
Compare that to how we work with non-verbal Autistics. It is practically identical.
Patricia is not a very good writer. She constantly over-writes her sentances, pointlessly yammering on with embellishments and details thet have nothing to do with the point of the sentance (Ofer Krysake! Get on with it!). It becomes annoying to read at times. She simply needs an editor to rein in her tendency to ramble and over-word.
She also kept losing me with her continual switching in her way of measuring time; i.e., she would say At 10 months Walker did this. At 14 months he did that. At 20 months he did the other. Then she would say, A week after his birthday he did this. What birthday? How many months? 24? No - she meant his third birthday!
She is also an annoying personality in general: she tells of the marital strife thet inevitably comes with having a Special Needs kid (75% of couples with Special Needs kids get divorced). But in every case she was the problem; e.g., her husband declares thet they cannot afford their relative mansion and a Special child, thus they must sell the house and move to 1 they can afford. Her moronic response is thet they can simply max out all their credit cards because she simply does not want to give up her personal comfort in favor of her child.
A couple times in this book I just wanted to yell at her about how stupid she was being, while her angry husband works himself to death, and their communication shuts down to a gritted-teeth dead-zero. BUT, this was also a good point for her to make, thet if you have a kid like this you will inevitably have "marital strife". This sort of "stupid-couple crap" will absolutely raise it's ugly head, and she presents it here honestly in a warts-and-all way.
He looked from 1 of us to the other and back again; he had never done that before. Walker had performed a sophisticated form of social-referencing. From that day on, Walker always looked at us to see if we were impressed with his accomplishments. Within a week of his birthday, he was pointing.
So here is another example of her annoying writing style. I have no idea when Walker's birthday is, thus I cannot determine how much time had passed from his visual-referencing to his pointing.
Joint Attention is when I point at something, and you look at it, thus we are both focused on the same thing. Autistics do not naturally look at what you point to, thus they have practically no Joint Attention.
"Joint Attention" is not only the basis of all language acquisition but is most likely the source of our most important learning. In the mid-80s, researchers discovered that the longer the sustained shared attention and focus, the more the child will learn. In 1990, researchers applied the study of Joint Attention to children with Autism. They discovered that it normally occurs in early infancy around the age of 6 months, and was severely lacking in children with Autism.
If Joint Attention predicts degrees of language acquisition in children with Autism, then there had to be some way to address Walker's relatively-poor Joint Attention skills. What was most exciting about the research was that it was the first research hinting at what Autism might look like in early infancy. Most of the studies available only discussed how Autism looked after the age of 2. Unfortunately no one had discovered a formal way to teach Joint Attention to infants. To researchers, it seemed to be something "babies just do". Walker might never learn more than the few sounds, and he might lose the sounds he had.
Typical children develop gestures to symbolize words approximately 1 month before they start speaking the words. Gestures were important because they showed that children use symbols to communicate actively as a phase of Joint Attention, even before the tongue begins making words.
This is why it is so important to teach Sign Language - not just to Autistics, but to all children. As with gorillas, they can sign 1,000 words before they can speak verbally. Also, non-verbal Autistics will usually start speaking after they have learned 300 words in Sign Language (300 is the magic number in nearly every case).
All Normal kids know about 300 words before they say their first word. There is no reason they could not be carrying on signed conversations in a 300-word vocabulary at the age of 1 1/2.
Physical movement stimulates brain-function. When Walker was grabbing toys we often encouraged him to reach not just forward but crossways, for it connects the 2 parts of this brain left and right. If he can reach across his body, he will be better able to conceptualize an angled line, or triangle, or draw an X, because he has already drawn 1 with his body.
This is an interesting idiosyncrasy of mine: As a drummer I have never been interested in crossing my arms while playing drums. I have seen a lot of drummers do it, especially during frenetic drum solos (as a way of showing off their chops). I have always been greatly impressed by their ability to do so, since I cannot, or at least have not, done so myself. But I never really tried either, because it is just so unnecessary (they are simply showing off).
After reading the above, I suspect my disinterest in such drumming technique is partly caused by my Autistic difficulty in thinking in an X.
This is also seen in the classic Autistic's impulse to place their toys in a strait vertical line, rather than playing with them as a normal child would.
This is also why zig-zags were mentioned in the above-reviewed book by Tito: "Mother was alert to any noise that the boy made - only distorted sound. The specialist had warned her that Autistics have the tendency to form words that occasionally made no sense at all. The boy was making every possible sound - imagining the letters of words making dialogs. To put that in check, she put him to more tasks, and joined him in making zig-zags, for example, or teaching him."
Making zig-zags took his mind away from what was going on internally. His fixation would be to draw vertical straight lines and/or being stuck in his mind's fixation with Neologisms.
Thus, me playing drums "in a strait line" (not crossing my arms) results in the beats I am playing expressing an emotional definition (at least to me, as with my gibberish words) rather than what it sounds like as music (to someone else). Other musicians were always excited by the way I played, referring to it as "jungle drums", because it was very melodic, and had an emotional feeling to it, rather than just being rythmic. (I could write out a whole page of "Autistic drum lessons" here).
So, another point is: I, as a right-handed drummer, keep time with my left foot rather than my right hand (I do not even have a hi-hat), making me exceptionally ambidextrous, thus a better drummer. Me developing the technique of left foot time-keeping is another manifestation of my Autistic tendencies (all drummers should incorporate, as far as I am concerned), a result of my inability to, or at least disinterest in, playing in an X.
A Normal right-handed drummer will play the snare with their left hand, but play the hi-hat with their right hand, their right arm crossing over their left. It is a natural thing for a Normal person. But as an Autistic, I do not use a hi-hat because I do not want to cross my arms.
Also see Rick Allen (the drummer for Def Leppard) who lost his entire left arm in a car-crash. He went on to play with his left foot (on electric trigger pedals) what he used to play with his left arm. He is an extreme example of the Autistic inability to cross his arms while playing, while not even being Autistic! I would love to be in his body as he played.
Also see Rick's web site at www.ravendrumfoundation.org.
In 1996 a child with Autism and gastroenterological complaints underwent a routine GI procedure. Within days, the child could speak. The parents discovered thet their child had been given a hormone called Secretin, which was originally designed to improve absorption to catalyze the diagnostic test. Now doctors can give Secretin for unprecedented purposes so thet a child who had looked away could make eye-contact, and a non-verbal child could talk. We were beginning to learn the connection between GI problems and Autism.
Baumann excitedly talked about the weird substances found in the urine of Autistics - 1 of them an exotic poison similar to Poison Arrow Frogs, and another similar to residue found in wine barrels after fermentation. Autistics bodies do not metabolize food properly [due to the damage done by vaccines and antibiotics, their digestive system mutates nutrients into poisons] allows chemicals to absorb into the bloodstream and make their way to the brain as poisonous opiates.
Patricia relates some more infuriating stories about dealing with belligerent moron medical doctors who become visibly angry if the parent (who by now is a relative expert on Autism) suggests a connection between diet and behavior.
She produced a small super-ball, flicked it across the room, where it bounced off the wall and came half-way back across the room. "Go get it, Walker", she said. Walker looked around, almost dizzied. He was not looking where the ball was at all. He had almost missed the motion completely. He picked up a doll.
This is me. I was never as bad as Walker, but to this day I have trouble tracking movement with my eyes - even relatively slow things, like fish on a conveyor belt.
It must have been painful to watch him stare around like a deer in headlights and then pick up a doll in bewilderment.
These poor kids.
I just stopped and had a good cry.
Aspergers do not feel empathy toward the Normals, but in the case of any Autistic, I empathize greatly.
I cried over how evil this world is, and how little kids are the ones who suffer the most.
I also admitted I was crying for myself (Poor me, I was Walker and no one cared). I must allow myself to grieve and mourn that, rather than be so angry about it, as I have done all my life.
Anger is a tantrum and it makes one feel powerful. Grief makes one feel pathetic and weak, thus anger energy becomes addictive, while never properly grieving. I am an expert on that.
I must allow my ego to feel weak, for only then can I heal that neglected child within, who has been hiding behind arrogant anger his whole life (see my review of the movie Lars and the Real Girl, wherein an Autistic man publicly displayed his admission of weakness as his way of accepting himself as broken).
The average person only talks about sports and video games. They are morons who do not know anything. I feel anger, I feel horrified, I feel grief.
Now thet Walker could talk, the next step in therapy was to bombard him with what, when, where, why, and how questions; the answers to which Autistics usually have trouble sorting out (See Jessica Park in the documentary Oliver Sacks: Rage for Order, wheren she goes into a rage if someone asks her "what".)
After a year of constant questions, Walker could have held his own on any talk-show.
This book shows me thet all children should be raised as Autistics. If these therapies can make such miraculous changes in severely Autistic kids, think of what an absolute genius a Normal child would be by the age of 3 if they went through these same treatments.
The main treatment thet made the most difference for Walker was Floor Time. The basics of it are presented below, after this review.
Autistics are often so good at Embedded Figure Tests (tests for picking out specific geometrical shapes within a complex picture) that you hardly have time to get the experimental material out on the table before they have spotted the target. There is a significant over-representation of engineering among fathers of children with Autism.
Cliff (Walker's father) in some ways fits the broad Autistic phenotype. He has significant talent in certain areas. He is an architect, has an extremely high aptitude for math, and acute visual awareness. He, like Walker, solves puzzles easily and has a gift for pattern recognition, and in temperament is an introvert. (Is it a coincidence thet the last 2 books I read on Autism were written by mothers of children with Autism whose husbands were Architects? See my review of the documentary My Father the Genius.)
My father and his brother Wayne both have Aspergers. My dad specifically is musically gifted, hyper-sensitive to light, and a voracious reader. Thus I am all of the above. My father is also a math whiz, though I suck at math.
My mother is also obsessed with reading, and is a musician.
Both of my parents are Paranoid Schizophrenics, as are my 4 siblings, all of whom are also writers, artists, and musicians.
Autistic Ladyhawke was obsessed with puzzles as a kid and went on to be a professional musician, and Autistic Jessica Park's paintings are an obvious expression of her fascination with geometric shapes.
Patricia analyzed her own past, remembering thet as a teenager she would get migraines from sunlight, and felt nauseated in a hot bath because it was just too much stimulation. Her other child, a Neurotypical and very bright girl, is hyper-sensitive to weight pressure - saying it hurts when her mother puts her arm around her too heavily, but complains it tickles too much if the touch is not heavy enough.
Mom was sensitive to light, and dad was a math-nerd. Then mom received a routine injection from the brain-dead medical profession, and now they have a messed up kid who's brain and guts are a disaster area. Who would have thought?
My parents were evil for having children; these people were not - they simply had petty foibles like everyone else.
My unfit parents never told me what was ever going on. They would meet with the evil teachers at school to maliciously discuss my case, but none of them ever asked me what I thought was wrong, nor even mentioned any of it to me.
When I was 11 or 12 they ambushed me with the above-mentioned Embedded Figure Test. The person giving the test was in such a state of anxiety thet my psychic receptivity put me into tunnel vision and anxiety; my heart pounded enough to almost make me faint, I could not see anything but the strobing florescent lights in that tiny claustrophobic room, I was sweating from anxiety, and the administrator was steely-eyed anxiety-attack personified, with a stop-watch! It put me in a panic.
I asked what was going on, but he dismissed my questions, assuming I had already been told all about the test (my abusive parents had intentionally kept me ignorant of). I was nearly in tears before we even started (I felt I had been set-up to be sabotaged). The pressure was unbearable.
It was a pattern recognition test (as mentioned above, you hardly have time to get the experimental material out on the table before they have spotted the target), and I am sure I flunked every aspect of it, for I was nearly blind from the tunnel-vision and strobing lights, and the wack-job administrator filled the room with such anxiety I could hardly breathe.
Then of course I was feeling anxiety about the change in my routine - being yanked from my regular class and thrown into some surprise test. I was so far beyond a deer in headlights.
No teachers nor my parents talked to me about the results of the test. It was 34 years later (!) thet my mother said they had tested me in school and it was recognized thet something was wrong with me but no one knew what to do about it. So they just shrugged me off!
Welcome to public school were I was slapped by "teachers", and viciously attacked by witch-burning lynch-mobs of terrified kids every day. The teacher forced me to write my own name on a piece of paper 500 times. That is all I really remember about public school.
I went on to get an A++ in art, but pretty much flunked everything else. My parents never acknowledged my artistic genius, they just spanked me with a belt for getting bad grades in Math.
I am an Aspie, I think in 90% words. Numbers are not words so they do not make any sense to me; i.e., I will always go deer in headlights when presented with 5th Grade Math.
Every time some American school-kid flips-out and guns down half the school, part of me sincerely smiles (I say that in dripping sarcasm).
Patricia continues: I began remembering sensations I had craved when I was little. I laid in bed and longed to find a scab to scratch off. I loved the feeling of resistance that pulling off scabs gave my skin, loved the tearing feeling around my skin - the sensation of unusual resistance somehow made me feel more alive. I also used to bite my arms. When we sat in the back of the station wagon on long trips, I bit my arm hard, studied the teeth-marks. Afterward I sucked on my skin and let the fine hairs tickle my lips. Dad used to say, "You were not meant for this world, Patsy. Neither was I." It suddenly occurred to me thet he too might have had a sensitive nervous system. Perhaps the whole family did.
Measles immunizations are responsible for causing damage to the gut lining, leaving it permeable (leaky gut). They found measles in the ileum of the small intestines of Autistics. The virus is inflaming the colon and intestines, letting opioids pass through to the bloodstream, making their way to the brain [reiterating what was said above about Poison Arrow Frog-like toxins].
At the age of 6 and 7, I passed bloody stools, and had chronic intestinal pain. I had a spastic colon which would expel the vaccines as sticky slimy transparent yellow goo (both sticky and slimy like a snail-trail, but in quantities of 2 tablespoons at a time) thet smelled strongly of burning plastic. With that amount of toxins in your gut, you can imagine how it is effecting your brain. By the time I was a teenager, I shat bright red blood thet smelled like menstrual blood. By the time I was 35 I was passing 1/8 cup of bright red blood with every bowel movement (usually twice a day).
After that I quit work entirely, went to a clinic in Nevada (Nevada being the only State where it is legal to cure diseases - the corrupt medical profession banning cures in all other States) and got my allergies which were exhausting my immune system, my colitis and ulcers (both of which are actually forms of Herpes), and my intestinal yeast overgrowth under control. Only then could I have the "mental capacity" (I do not mean I was Retarded, I mean I was poisoned) to start working on my personal problems.
All of this was caused by the vaccines I had been given by the evil drug-pushing medical profession over the years.
At 18 months I was given vaccines thet my mother says turned me into "a worried old man". When I was 11 they gave me MMR, which gave me full blown Measles Mumps and Rubella all at once. I was kept out of school for having Measles twice!
At school where the shots were administered, I saw the classic example of all the children being horribly damaged; all of them went into the holding of a high-pitched note, fainted and convulsed, or screamed. I was a high-pitch wail kid. I could feel so obviously the brain damage as all my senses went nearly dead, and have ever since been very inaccurate.
I also want to do research and present here the damage done by Fluoride. I believe the Fluoride treatments I received around that time were just as damaging as the vaccines. They put this tray in my mouth and soaked my teeth in liquid Fluoride. I was severely damaged by that event.
The public school agreed to send Walker to an occupational therapist to work on his auditory sensitivity. They taught us to rub the gum-line just behind the top front teeth and then press quickly on his lower teeth - to be repeated twice, 6 times a day. They said we might see some changes within a few days.
We decided to make a list of Walker's quirks: 1) Excessive sensitivity to loud noise. 2) Afraid to go outside, and afraid of construction equipment. 3) Excitability at night - hard to get him to go to sleep. 4) Disorganized and hard to get going in the morning. 5) Poor appetite in the morning. 6) Excited in proximity of other kids - pokes and pushes them.
The protocol seemed counter-intuitive; we knew spinning the kids could help desensitize them, but spinning was directly related to the sense of movement it was treating. What did his massaging his upper palate have to do with his irritation from a noisy lawnmower?
On Friday we began the protocol. On Saturday morning Cliff and I were sleeping. Walker silently entered, stood beside us, and began speaking: "Time to get up! Time to get up!", he called like an eager Boy Scout. "Look. I dressed myself", he added. I sat up to see him wearing pants, a well-matched shirt, and socks. Walker had never before dressed himself; yet on this morning he had not only done so but had performed an unprecedented act of choosing his own outfit (a high degree of organizational skill for any pre-schooler). In the following days we saw changes we could not imagine: He volunteered to be toilet trained. He actually asked for breakfast. He could suddenly tolerate sitting next to other kids without poking them. In the car he usually refused to listen to anything but conversation, but now he would listen to any radio station I wanted. He used to be so excitable around other people that he wanted to be the only one engaging our visitors - he talked excitedly, making his interjections, dominating the evening; yet that first Saturday night, he sat quietly during dinner with our guests, asking intelligent questions, as if he had emotionally grown by years. He no longer stalled when leaving the house. One of the most profound changes happened to his sense of hearing; he could now spend hours in a noisy arcade without complaint. Walker's progress with desensitization therapy was so transforming that it made me wonder whether sensory problems might be responsible for a host of behaviors we attribute to immaturity and naughtiness in all healthy children. The nervous system may play a more vital role in our children's focus, temperament, and learning than we ever imagined.
I have always been obsessed with my teeth. My most frequent Stim over the years has been to chatter my teeth and rub my tongue on that above-mentioned point in my mouth. I was never aware it did any good, it was like a physical twitch I did unconsciously. My severely Schizophrenic sister does that too.
I have always enjoyed going to the dentist, and it makes me uncomfortable to see people with crooked teeth, and if someone scrapes their teeth on their silver-ware it makes me almost want to scream.
Apparently my body knew to do this, even if I did not understand why.
So now I will try massaging that point with my fingers several times a day to see what happens.
I thought about Greenspan's words of concern: "Your son has no abstract representation for aggression." Now that talking was the ultimate goal, I understood that the framing of words made it possible to separate ourselves from a feeling, which thus made it possible to put feelings into words. The ultimate form of abstraction for Greenspan was language itself, which is a developmentally high form of representation. The feeling is expressed through conversation, not through fighting or acting out, not through burning down buildings or attacking people. If Walker could talk about his feelings, it would mean he had reached the highest level of emotional maturity for his age. I started stacking the deck by slipping baby dolls into Walker's bath bubbles. He insisted on rescuing the dolls, as I had unfortunately taught him. About a month later he was purposely drowning them with a smug defiant look on his face. I stepped away, turned my back, and let him do it. He drowned it for several nights in a row, me turning not to watch, though I eventually learned to stomach it. During the day at play with friends, he suggested they drown the pirates in the moat around the castle. Later that evening after he had been drowning babies in the tub, I asked, "How does it feel when you drown the baby?" Walker's face grew serious; he leaned back in the tub, pensive, softened. He took on a depth of expression that unnerved me. He said sadly, "We do not know when we are going to die, do we mom?" "No, we don't." I could see he was thinking. He might be thinking about his own death, or the death of his Aunt Debbie which had disturbed him. "I will always remember you mom, even after I die."
This is another very damaging thing my parents did. They were Geminis, terrified of inner self. They were Paranoid Schizophrenics, terrified of their own feelings, thus everyone else's. In perpetual fear they were unable to communicate, thus they never became mature enough to put their feelings into words. This may explain why they forbid me to learn to read and write.
I was forbidden to have toys, for to them everything was a "bad influence", they were afraid my emotions may be expressed if I played. They were always the enemy I had to hide everything from. They would often search my possessions, and in hatred throw away anything thet was not a necessity or clothing. It was also an expression of their "Poverty Thinking to the point of insanity" in thet we were required to be poor, forbidden to have nice things, or even ANY things.
This type of "parenting" drove my 4 siblings mad, while I was always profoundly more mature than anyone else.
So Walker being encouraged to express aggression, even through acted out drowning of babies, was very healthy for his emotional maturity, in thet he could (only then) put his aggressive feelings into words, and thus emotionally mature.
So by this time Walker was considered recovered from Autism.
Excellent book.
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Floortime.
There are 9 major mileposts to child development. Floortime is a play-therapy designed to ascertain whether your child is on schedule in the progression through those mileposts, and teaches the proper techniques for helping the child catch up if they are developmentally delayed.
The main characteristic of Floortime thet makes it different from other therapies is thet it shows you how to follow your child through their development, rather than push them or even lead them through it. This specific teaching method is necessary for Autistic kids, and has been shown to work wonders in some cases.
Also see my review of the book The Hidden Child, which elaborates greatly on the Linwood Method (following rather than leading your child through education).
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The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome
by Tony Attwood
Often quoted in many books about Autism Spectrum Disorders, Tony is considered the foremost expert on Asperger's Syndrome specifically.
As a pediatrician in Nazi-occupied Austria, Hans Asperger was bravely arguing against the recently-introduced law for "the prevention of offspring suffering from hereditary diseases." He advocated that education will render harmless the dangers which are in a child's genetic disposition. He wanted to save the children at his clinic from being murdered, and vehemently argued that children who are unusual are not necessarily inferior.
We clearly need more research on Asperger's Syndrome, particularly into aspects of sensory perception. Many people with AS are desperate to reduce their sensitivity to specific sounds and other sensory experiences. At present, clinicians and therapists have little to offer to reduce auditory, tactile, and olfactory sensitivity. We also need to develop and evaluate programs to encourage friendship and relationship skills, the management of emotions, and the constructive application of special interests.
Knowledge changes attitudes, which in turn can change abilities and circumstances.
Dr Guy Berard's Audio Integration Therapy has been shown to practically cure Autism in some cases (see my review of the book Sound Of A Miracle, and my AIT page). AIT alleviated my touch-aversion, due to the fact I have Synesthesia (my senses intermingle), thus AIT turning down my hearing by 10 dB also turned down my touch-aversion.
In the above paragraph I especially liked the line, "constructive application of special interests". All Aspergers will be fixated on 1 or 2 subjects, some almost obsessively so. Nothing can be done to make them stop fixating on their chosen subject. Thus, directing their fixation into a career-path is at least a good idea. I hate my parents for being religious fanatics who insisted on being Biblically "no part of the world." This was horrible for me since my fixated subject was political theory. If they had helped focus my fixation into a career-path I would have been incredibly good at it. But they had no interest in even acknowledging that subject (nor the fact I was clearly Autistic). Some Asperger kids could be fixated on monkeys or batteries. Both of these things could lead them to successful careers in zoology or electrical engineering. But instead, most people are simply annoyed by these "Little Professors" who will not shut up about their "absurd fixations".
Some kid was fixated on trains. He was not able to focus on math, so the teacher used his train fixation to direct him into adding and subtracting train-cars. Thus he learned math. He could not focus on geology, so the teacher instead focused him on how they build train-tracks through specific landscapes. Thus he learned geology.
Irlen lenses filter the light spectrums thet the person is hyper-sensitive to, but that is the equivalent of a hyper-auditory person having to wear earplugs. There is no sequence of colors one can watch thet will re-train their brain to interpret sight normally (yet).
I have to wear brown filters when I am in sunlight, and wear earplugs in order to sleep. Audio Integration Therapy could eliminate my need for earplugs (when I am not asleep), and Irlen lenses could help reduce my sensitivity to light (as long as I keep the glasses on).
But is there something thet can stop me from literally wincing at the scent of perfume, nail-pollish, or hairspray? Will I always be averse to touch (unless I am drunk, in which case I feel numb enough to tolerate it)?
In the process of reading this book I discovered there are in fact therapies for all of the above-mentioned sensitivities; i.e., the above line by Tony, "At present, clinicians and therapists have little to offer to reduce auditory, tactile, and olfactory sensitivity" is wrong.
As for the "programs to encourage friendship and relationship skills", I would love to see such a thing, but even I (as an Asperger) cannot imagine how to go about it, since Aspies are usually just not able to "get it" socially.
I have spent 49 years as a deer in headlights wondering why all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenic hysterical headless chickens terrified of intimacy, while emotionally-constipated drunken strangers half my age take their clothes off and hump my leg like a dog, but will not make eye-contact nor talk (in my language); i.e., from my perspective, it is the Normals who need the programs to encourage friendship and relationship skills.
The Normals apparently grew up watching TV sit-coms, thus they think they are supposed to interact as if they are acting in a sit-com, wherein they wait their turn to interject clever lines to entertain on-lookers, rather than actually communicate with each other. Meanwhile, Aspergers prefer to use language for educational information exchange - thus resulting in the anger provoked in me by the feeling thet everyone is withholding education from me.
A lack of social understanding, limited ability to have reciprocal conversations, and an intense interest in a particular subject are the core features of this syndrome, along with physical awkwardness, and Sensory Processing Disorders - and the grammar and vocabulary may have been relatively advanced, but at the end of the conversation one has the impression there was something unusual about their ability to have a typical conversation. Aspies give lectures as their main means of communication (until I started this web site).
Tony says most people diagnosed as adults only recognized they were different when they started school. This is very true in my case - I was actually shocked by my first day of school. I did not feel thet I was weird though, I felt all of them were. We were 6, and all but me were mentally and emotionally 3. I was almost horrified by this. Unfortunately my home-life was useless as a reference-point because both my parents and my 4 siblings were all abusive Paranoid Schizophrenics. Even so, school was the most utterly bewildering "culture" I had ever seen. I had no clue why any of it even existed.
Today I understand thet the sole purpose of the school system is to "teach" the little dummies to believe in Democracy (majority moron rule). But at the time, all I felt was a painful mental anguish over the fact I was more intelligent and more mature than anyone else (including all the teachers). The point is, though I felt tremendously different from all the others, I never felt there was anything wrong with me - in fact I felt superior.
When I asked these adults to describe those differences, they refer to not being interested in the social activities of their peers, not wanting to include others in their own activities, and not understanding the social conventions of the playground or classroom; i.e., why are bullies pounding on me all day while the teachers make a belligerent display of turning a fake blind eye? Why do mobs of the infantile and the brain-dead pack together and antagonistically jeer at me? Why do the teachers slap my hands before the class while I am drawing when I am a better artist than anyone else? Who the hell are these people! What planet is this! I never felt defensive (I would have to acknowledge them for that to happen), just utterly bewildered.
For them it is the fear of the unknown. They were actually terrified by the fact I did not talk to them, for they thus could not label me and place me in a box thet gave them the delusion of control in their paranoia. By the time I was in 7th grade, they would poke poke poke me in the ribs and constantly say, "Why don't you talk - Why don't you talk", with an obvious fear in their eyes; fear of the unknown.
This is also where gossip comes from. The paranoid are afraid of me because I have not told them what box I should be placed in, thus they just make things up to give themselves the delusion thet they are not afraid, and are in control control control! The utter inaccuracy and even viciousness of all gossip clearly demonstrates thet all people who engage in it are terrified of the unknown.
Meanwhile the Aspie is oblivious to other people and even irritated by them when they insist on being noticed by talking; this demonstrates the gullible cluelessness of the Aspie, who is practically incapable of feeling paranoid. All people are the unknown, and we do not give a damn.
When I asked these adults to describe those differences, they refer to not being interested in the social activities of their peers, not wanting to include others in their own activities, and not understanding the social conventions of the playground or classroom. Exactly.
I have observed young children with AS who have been hyperactive, but not necessarily due to ADHD. The hyperactivity can be a response to a high level of stress; i.e., the hyper-activity is merely an anxiety-venting Stim. Remove the stress, and the hyper-activity is no longer necessary.
Tony's writing style is almost overly descriptive - though this makes it impossible to misunderstand him, I wish he would be more concise:
Hans Asperger described a subgroup of children with a tendency to have conduct problems, leading to them being suspended from school - one of the main reasons the children who were subsequently diagnosed as having "Autistic Personality Disorder" were referred to his clinic in Vienna.
Sometimes children with AS perceive themselves as more adult than child. I have always known I was more intelligent and more mature than anyone else. Indeed such children may act in the classroom as an "assistant" to the teacher, correcting and disciplining other children - thus greatly intimidating the infantile and the brain-dead in their fantastic inferiority complexes thet produce outright paranoia, resulting in them abusively lashing out like wounded animals, when the Good Samaritan Aspie simply wanted to help. In situations of conflict, they are less likely to refer to an adult to act as an adjudicator, and are liable to "take the law into their own hands" - Because I am superior to you, I have the moral authority to do so. These children may also learn that acts of aggression can repel other children, ensuring uninterrupted solitude. I was not the lashing out in self-defense type of kid; I was more oblivious/dissociative, or at least utterly disinterested in even acknowledging these sheep. Of course this would only provoke them more. Conflict and confrontation with adults can be made worse by non-compliance, negativism, and difficulty in perceiving the differences in social status or hierarchy, resulting in a failure to respect authority or "maturity". "Respecting my elders" will happen when they earn it (snicker).
This is me totally, my whole life long. When I was working for the fish cannery in Alaska, the tiny minority of Black guys would all sit together at 1 table for lunch (I am White). There was no place else to sit, so I sat with them. They all went silent, looked offended, then realized I was a social Retard who just wanted to eat his lunch, and so they went on interacting as if I was not there - which is what I wanted in the first place!
I do that sort of thing probably every day; I use the word "probably" because most of the time I am oblivious thet I have committed a social faux pas. The only reason I noticed it in Alaska is because the 5 Black guys all went silent and bristled at my arrival - I noticed the change of psychic energy. Only then did I notice they were Black, or thet they were even there! I had simply scanned the room for empty seats.
The child with AS will not accept a particular rule [like racial segregation] if it appears to be illogical, and will pursue a point or argument as a matter of principle. This can lead to significant conflict with teachers and authorities; i.e., my Aspergian superior sense of Ethics proves thet if you disagree with me on a matter of principle it is because you are wrong. Who the hell do you think you are! I feel utter contempt toward Anarchists (read: criminally short-sighted sociopaths who think no one should have the right to tell them what to do).
The child with AS has difficulty with social integration. If that child also has a superior intellect they may compensate by becoming arrogant and egocentric. Conceited indignance thus becomes a characteristic of AS - resulting in my oft-repeated phrase: "It is not beyond me to understand these people - it is beneath me!"
Most adults report that having the diagnosis has been a positive experience - there can be intense relief. All my life I have known I was different - clearly superior, but socially clueless and perpetually anxious. My main source of anger toward others for most of my life was due to them not wanting to get better. I was an obsessive perfectionist and they were all consciously choozing to be Democratically dummied down, and even hostile toward anyone who might teach them something. My anger came from me desperately wanting to help them (come up to my level), but them (sometimes even violently) refusing to learn, in willful stupidity. Once I got my diagnosis only then did I realize it was not beyond me to understand them, but beneath me. What a relief to no longer feel enraged at their perpetual slapping of my helping hand. Now thet I have my diagnosis, I recognize it is beneath me to try to help the little people; I will no longer be casting my pearls before swine.
The self-affirmation pledge of those with Asperger's Syndrome:
- I am not defective, I am different. Wrong. AS is an abnormal (though superior) form of perception.
- I will not sacrifice my self-worth for peer acceptance. No problem since conceited indignance is my initial reaction toward anyone who attempts to be my peer (by trying to make me dummy-down to their level).
- I am a good and interesting person. I am profoundly aware I am ethically and intellectually better than anyone else, and also more interesting (at least as a literary genius - read my 77 zines).
- I will take pride in myself. Conceited indignance assures that. Unfortunately it is addictive (haughtiness is so incredibly fun!) and can it's self lead to over-compensation. I went through a brief period of actual God Complex - and haughtiness was the sin of Moses.
- I am capable of getting along with society. The useless retards at the Tucson Adult Asperger Association just wanted to wallow in it and create a sub-Democracy so they would not have to challenge themselves. Since then I have acquired my First Aid cert, CPR cert, finger-print clearance, alcohol cert, and levels 1-2-3 Security Guard certs, and become a relative expert on Autism; i.e., I continually try to improve myself so I may acquire and keep a job, and be a contributing member of (even this) society.
- I will ask for help when I need it. I have always been a real man who readily asks for directions when I am lost. More importantly l continue to educate myself as to how to be self-contained, thus never in need of assistance from others. I love when my motorcycle breaks down in the wilderness, because I have all the tools with me and know how to use them so I can fix it by myself. I feel very proud of myself when that happens.
- I am a person who is worthy of others' respect and acceptance. I will no longer censor myself to avoid intimidating the inferiors.
- I thus receive respect from those worthy of me. And I have never in my life tried to get acceptance by engaging in activities thet are not me - thus, like all Autistics, I honestly do not care if I get your acceptance. "Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind do not matter, and those who matter do not mind." - Dr Seuss.
My boss said no one will be allowed a day off during a certain time-period because of a special event thet would take all of our man-power to cover (as Security Guards). When I got my new schedule for that week, I had been given a day off during that time period. This I was not expecting and could not afford, so when another company offered me work on that day steam-cleaning carpets, I took it.
At the last minute my boss called me and said they needed me as Security on that day. I told him I was not available, due to me being already scheduled with the carpet cleaners. He got mad and yelled at me thet I had been warned well in advance thet no time-off requests would be approved during that week. I said I had not requested a day off, he had scheduled me a day off, which I cannot afford, thus when someone else offered me work on that day I took it. He said, "It is first come first served with you isn't it!" And I said, "Yes! I am special! You snooze, you lose!" He was so angry with me thet he could not even speak for a few seconds. Then he just yelled "Bye!" and slammed down the phone. I felt so giddy.
And that is how I deal with "authority". What is he going to do, fire me? Ha! Kiss my ass or I will take my ball and go home!
This is the classic Asperger's way of dealing with so-called "authority" (snicker). A couple times I have shouted down cops who tried to give me traffic tickets: "You work for me, asshole! Go catch some criminals!" They did not give me the ticket, for they recognized how deadly serious I was. They just looked bewildered, and walked away. I am The Alpha! (and I have the intellectual authority to rub your face in it!).
And the point is not thet I am a condescending jerk. The point is thet you will receive my respect as soon as you earn it. And as long as you insist on being a word instead of a person, I will not be respecting you.
- I am a person who is worthy of others' respect and acceptance. Conceited indignance - get used to it!
This is what some people refer to as, "Asperger with the accent on the Ass." I refer to it as a God Complex-I-mean self respect. I am an "Indigo" evolutionary step above the rest of you, as proven by the fact I have Asperger's Syndrome - a form of Autism, which is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders; i.e., my senses are literally super-human, thus proving I am superior to you. Period.
- I will find a career that is well-suited to my abilities and interests. Though it does not pay worth a damn, I liked being a Security Guard because it allowed me to be alone most of the time. It also gave me a lot of time to read, thus encouraging me to write these book reviews (I am exceptionally good at).
The difference between a Cop and a Security Guard is thet the Cop chases the bad-guys, while the Guard protects the innocent. It is my personality to take people under my wing and protect them, rather than go looking for trouble-makers. Being a Guardian Personality, I am very proud of my Asperger symptom of "Strong desire to be a mentor." This is also an expression of my dissociative symptoms; the outside world does not exist, I only take care of what is inside my protective shell.
- I will be patient with those who need time to understand me. The advantage to conceited indignance is thet I do not care if you understand me. In the mean time, I am quite capable of beating everything into the ground in my obsessive attempt to teach (with a sledge-hammer). I am profoundly beyond the concept of patience.
- I am never going to give up on myself. I never did. All those suicide-note zines I wrote had nothing to do with me (I was not physically ill, I was not mentally ill, I was not even depressed. I was awake!) - My symbolic suicide was me giving up on the rest of you. "Die - I will not notice. I am out of here!"
- I will accept myself for who I am. I always did. There was never anything wrong with me - there is something wrong with all of you. Autism is the possible next step in human evolution. Cure Neurotypicals now!
All of the above arrogant negativity is a symptom of this disorder, not necessarily a character trait. In fact I hate it when I get wound up like that. I do not like being such an abrasive "Asperger with the accent on the Ass". Thus I go for a long walk, talking constantly as my way of stimming myself to calm. Then I come back and feel ashamed thet I cannot prevent myself from feeling so negative about people, and getting so over-stimulated.
As Hans Asperger said, "You do not suffer from Asperger's Syndrome; you suffer from other people." Unfortunately, other people are Paranoid Schizophrenics who are so afraid of their own feelings they are thus afraid of mine, resulting in them becoming terrified as I (or any other Autistic) Stim themselves to calm.
The stupidest thing I have seen is an adult trying to stop an Autistic child from spinning or flapping, while saying, "Calm down - calm down!"
All children with AS have the following characteristics:
- Delayed social maturity and social reasoning. Being "born adults" and "little professors" they can be mentally and emotionally profoundly more mature than the Normals, but socially clueless.
- Immature empathy. The term "immature" does not mean childish, it means under-developed; i.e., unable to learn certain things, specifically why people feel the way they do.
- Difficulty making friends, and often teased by other children. Aspies give intellectually advanced lectures about their fixated subject, which intimidates the "little dummies" most other children are. But since making them into little dummies is the sole purpose of Democracy, they form lynch-mobs and burn the Aspie genius child as a witch. This is tragic because the Aspie desperately wants to have friends, thus explaining why they lecture at everyone about their fixated subject.
- Difficulty with communication and control of emotions. Read: literary genius who is emotionally accessible. To the Aspie all others seem like blithering illiterates terrified of intimacy.
- Unusual language abilities that include advanced vocabulary and syntax, but delayed conversational skills, unusual prosody, and a tendency to be pedantic.
Delayed conversational skills. We want to give and receive educational lectures, rather than yammer on in pointless small-talk. (see TedTalks.com. 50% Aspies). And I have always been fascinated by stop-anapestic music; i.e., "Math-rock" compositions thet are overly mathematically complicated. I also like to recite the alphabet backward because it has a complicated poetic rhythm to it.
Unusual prosody - (prosody is the patterns of rhythm in poetry, and patterns of intonation in spoken language). This the intimidated little Normals perceive as condescending-frilly poetics, when it is simply the way Aspies talk. When I lived in Tucson, some of my co-workers said, "You speak a different language than the rest of us."
Pedantic - (pedantic means excessively concerned with minor details and rules, or with displaying academic learning - thus intimidating the little dummies). Once again the Normals perceive this as condescending (they cannot keep track of that many associative details, and are simply not obsessive about amassing all there is to know about the fixated subject), when it is again simply the way Aspies talk.
- A fascination with a topic that is unusual in intensity or focus. The typical Asperger Fixated Subject.
- Difficulty maintaining attention in class. Attention Deficit Disorder, which is the inability to determine the relative difference in value between things; i.e., to the Aspie, all things are of equal value, thus they cannot determine which 1 they should focus on, resulting in them being overwhelmed by all of them at the same time.
- An unusual profile of learning abilities; i.e., genius in their own eccentric ways.
- A need for assistance with some self-help and organizational skills.
- Clumsiness in terms of gait and co-ordination; read: awkward klutz who cannot walk in a strait line nor catch a ball. But, I can sit in yoga stillness and play a monster drum-set with my eyes closed and hit every drum with exact precision, because I am not playing the drums, my body is doing it by it's self through muscle-training. I can even leave my body entirely and watch from above as it plays drums perfectly. This reiterates what was said above about unusual profile of learning abilities. I am a fucking God compared to you in specific eccentric ways, while totally Retarded at doing things most people take for granted.
- Sensitivity to specific sounds, aromas, textures, or touch. All Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders. For me it is CAPD (e.g., pain or panic reaction to certain sounds the Normals do not seem to notice), my inability to remember what I see, my aversion to being touched, gagging on vitamin pills, etc.
At the time Hans Asperger described Autistic Personality Disorder in the 1940s, another physician, Leo Kanner, described another part of what we now call "the Autism Spectrum". Leo, apparently unaware of Hans' studies, described an expression of Autism that is characterized as having very severe impairments in language, socialization, and cognition; the silent, aloof child with intellectual disabilities.
It was this expression of Autism, originally considered a form of childhood psychosis, that dominated the subsequent research and therapy literature for the next 40 years. Hans Asperger and Leo Kanner never exchanged correspondence regarding the children they were describing, although both used the term "Autism".
It was not until after Asperger's death in 1980 that renowned British psychiatrist specializing in Autism Spectrum Disorders, Lorna Wing, coined the term Asperger's Syndrome. She used the term to provide a new diagnostic category within the Autism Spectrum Leo Kanner had described. (See my review of Lorna's book, Autistic Children).
Tony mentions in passing Schizoid Personality Disorder, which is an Autistic-like behavior, without Autism symptoms, caused by a mental disorder.
Here is a brief description from the internet:
Overview.
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a psychiatric condition in which a person has a lifelong pattern of indifference toward others, and social isolation.
Symptoms:
A person with Schizoid Personality Disorder:
• Appears aloof and detached.
• Avoids social activities that involve significant contact with other people.
• Does not want or enjoy close relationships, even with family members.
Treatment:
People with this disorder rarely seek treatment, and little is known about which treatments work. Talk therapy may not be effective, because people with Schizoid Personality Disorder have difficulty relating well to others.
Causes:
Personality Disorders are patterns of behaviors and relationships that interfere with a person's life over many years.
The cause of Schizoid Personality Disorder is unknown. Estimates of it's incidence vary.
This disorder may be associated with Schizophrenia and shares many of the same risk factors. However, Schizoid Personality Disorder is not as disabling as Schizophrenia, because it does not cause hallucinations, delusions, or the complete disconnection from reality that occurs in untreated (or treatment-resistant) Schizophrenia.
Tests and Diagnosis:
People with Schizoid Personality Disorder are loners and show little interest in developing close relationships.
Prognosis:
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a chronic illness with a poor outlook. The social isolation of this disorder often prevents the person from seeking help or support that could potentially improve the outcome.
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a mental illness. Autism Spectrum Disorders are physical illness, or a physical brain malformity or injury. Also, people with SPD do not want friends. Aspergers do, sometimes desperately - they just are not able to learn how to "make friends." Also, all forms of Autism include Sensory Processing Disorders, which are the main reason Autistics cannot understand other people - their brains are not interpreting sensory input the same way Normals' do. The Schizoid does not have Sensory Processing Disorders.
While I was on the Internet I looked up the Wikipedia page for Asperger's Syndrome. It is superb and very accurate. My only suggestion is thet it should mention the GF/CF Diet as a therapy to alleviate symptoms; Autism being an intestinal injury/gut-malfunction as much as a brain-disorder.
Back to Tony's book:
The focus during the diagnostic assessment should be on current language usage rather than the history of language development; i.e., if they talk like a little professor today, they have Aspergers, whether or not they were gifted or retarded at language acquisition as toddlers.
I agree with this, as Aspergers usually have a spectacular vocabulary for their age, whereas in my case my CAPD was bad enough thet I could hardly understand language at all until I was 5 or 6. By then I had invented many Neologisms (emotional-definition words of my own), proving I was a literary genius, even though at the time I was functionally illiterate.
My (undiagnosed) Asperger father tought me to recite the alphabet backward, while my abusive mother forbid me to learn how to read or write.
My whole life long I have been famous (to my Schizophrenic family, and the vicious abusive school system) for never talking to anyone at all, even though I was then and am now clearly Hyperlexic and talk to myself constantly, without which I can hardly mentally function. I just learned very early thet it is pointless to try to communicate with the infantile, the brain-dead, and the Paranoid Schizophrenic, thus I shut up (when around them).
Tony spends a lot of time ripping to shreds the worthless DSM-IV, the official diagnostic manual for the mental, psychiatric, and medical professions. I applaud him for this. The latest DSM-IV removed Asperger's Syndrome entirely, lumping it together with PDD-NOS and Classic Autism into "Autism Spectrum Disorder". This is asinine! Aspergers, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism are 3 distinctively seperate things; and Tony makes that clear - as do I!
A diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome is almost impossible using current DSM-IV criteria.
While in conversation with a boy with AS, the listener is likely to consider the child a "little professor" who uses an advanced vocabulary for a child of that age, and is able to provide many interesting (or boring) facts. Girls with AS can sound like little philosophers, with an ability to think deeply about social situations. From an early age, girls with AS have applied their cognitive skills to analyze social interactions and are more likely than boys with AS to discuss inconsistencies in social conventions and their thoughts on social events.
This also demonstrates the Asperger gender-confusion clearly seen in me wherein I wrote many zines about anthropology, political theory, gender roles, etc - all typical Aspergirl subjects. My life-long Fixated Subject has been political theories and the cultures thet arise from them, rather than the typically AS male fixations of math, mechanics, or science, and specifically architecture and engineering.
An examination of peer relationships can be achieved by identifying the person's friends, the quality, stability, and maturity of the friendships, and their thoughts regarding the attributes of friendship.
The questions can include:
- Who are your friends?
- Why is that person your friend?
- What are the things that someone does to be friendly?
- How do you make friends?
- Why do we have friends?
- What makes a good friend?
These are very annoying questions to me, for I do not know how to answer them.
I can probably tell you what I think the Normals' "correct answer" would be, but I do not know what the real answer is.
After I thought about it for a while, I came up with this:
- Who are your friends?
I do not have any. I never did. When I was younger I thought I had friends, only to be crushed when I found out they did not actually give a damn about me. Then 20 years later they would get in touch with me again, desperate to make a friend. This happened with Dave and Mike from my old band, and with Fred M.
The movie American History X had a character in it, the leader of a neo-Nazi group who ended up in prison for killing a Black man, only to realize thet probably the best friend he ever had was the Black guy he did the prison laundry with, while the other Neo Nazi White guys in the prison (who he thought of as his friends) raped him for thinking he was too good for them.
This example demonstrates the extent of my so-called "friendships". When these people I never considered my friends would seek me out 10 years later in their attempt to establish a friendship, it would only cause me pain, frustration, anxiety, and even contempt.
It was apparent thet the only reason they considered me their friend was because they recognized after 20 years thet I had been the only person who ever gave it to them straight, admiring me for being "point-blank honest all the time"; i.e., they trusted me.
Though I felt proud of that, I also bitterly resented it, for they had never been a friend to me. And now they were trying to get me to be their friend out of sheer loneliness and desperation? My main reaction was to feel "Where the hell were you when I needed a friend?" It made me want to reject them in a cold anger.
Amy called me out of the blue 26 years after I dumped her as a so-called "friend". When she called I felt utterly nothing for nor about her. She was a sack-of-shit of a human being 26 years ago, why the hell would I acknowledge her existence now?; because she wanted a friend and recognized I had been the only trustworthy person she had ever known? Apparently. I felt utter nothingness about hanging up on her.
When I lived in Chehalis, I fell in love with an emotionally 3-year-old sociopath hypocrite named Kim because I was desperate and she was there.
As usual I had fallen in love on the phone, being a Hyperlexic Asperger it was all about word-usage; who was using the words was irrelevant - but I told her I loved it, thus her.
Because she was emotionally 3 years old, she decided thet since I had acknowledged her existence that meant I was now her boyfriend and thet we were going to get married. I had no clue she felt this, for I did not consider her my girlfriend, nor did I know she wanted to be, because she would not talk alone about something important. We only associated with each other in the context of small-talk in a group of other teenagers who would go to movies or go skating together. She considered this serious dating, when I thought we were just a bunch of relative-strangers hanging out together (to me, what we were doing together was more important than who I was doing it with).
But since this happened in Gossip HQ Washington State, she told all her relatives about "us", thus they thought she and I were engaged! I had no idea any of this was going on. But they all pretended to be my friends (very well apparently, for I believed they were in fact the best friends I ever had).
Deer in headlights me eventually figured out what the hell was going on with this infantile sociopath and her ridiculous gossip about some relationship thet never existed. I demanded thet she sit down and talk to me alone about this "us". She refused to be alone with me.
Instead she became extremely malicious in trying to provoke me into being jealous. Being an Asperger Aries I am incapable of feeling jealousy, and if I was, why would I be jealous over her? I was once again clueless.
She became very overtly angry thet she was not able to provoke me into a rage of jealousy when she talked to other guys in front of me. Why the hell should I care!
Eventually I realized she was 3 years old, and thus I dumped her. Then to my amazement and great pain, all her relatives, my so-called "best friends", turned to ice. If I was not going to marry into their Family Clan, in the Gossiping Cult of Washington State, then I was not allowed to exist in their lives; they froze me out with a spiteful contempt. I was so bewildered and shocked by this. It hurt me very much.
Then came the Mike and Dave scenario, followed by Fred M.
Another 10 years passed and by then I had realized thet the only way for me to interact with anyone was through pen-pal relationships.
I became a relative big-wig in the zine scene (Alternative Press), receiving an average of 90 pieces of mail a week. Some of those people became very intimate pen-pals, some for several years. The intimacy of some of those letters made me believe we were close friends.
Only after years of writing to each other (after which they suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth because they only considered me their "zine friend", and since they had quit the zine scene they were no longer interested in writing to me) did I realize thet I felt close to them because they were so intimate in their letters - it was all about words to me. Whereas, to them, they were only intimate with me because I was "at a safe distance" as a "mere pen-pal". I was so confused by that. So bewildered and hurt. How can they mix "safe distance" with "intimacy"? I am lost. The distance made no difference to me since I was having a relationship with the words, not necessarily the people.
Then Mike and Dave got in touch with me again, and tried to get me to be their friend, while in anxiety keeping me at an emotional distance.
So to answer the question, "Who are your friends?" I have apparently never had any.
- Why is that person your friend?
Because they talked to me.
I only think in words. I only feel in words. In fact I invent new words to express emotions I cannot otherwise put into words. Thus if someone uses words well I become very attracted to that emotionally. I sometimes even fall in love with it. It.
- What are the things that someone does to be friendly?
Truly listen on an emotional level to what I am actually saying on an emotional level.
Inevitably I came to the conclusion thet no one has ever heard a word I said and no one ever will; They always say to themselves, "What you really means is ...".
- How do you make friends?; i.e., how do I make friends?
I Pragmatic Language Disorder-ly spill my guts to startled strangers, to which they become terrified and run away.
- How do you make friends?; i.e., how do they make friends?
Mindlessly yammer on in pointless small-talk thet makes me want to punch them in the head, while collectively engaging in recreational vandalism and malicious gossip thet horrifies me.
- Why do we have friends?; i.e., why do I have friends?
I do not know why I would want to have friends. To have someone to care about, I guess.
I do feel very lonely for a child to love. I wish I could adopt a child.
- Why do we have friends?; i.e., why do they have friends?
To have someone to engage in pointless small-talk with, and use that small-talk to delude themselves they are not alone and lonely, while simultaneously using the small-talk to stave off intimacy. They are so terrified of emotional vulnerability.
- What makes a good friend?
Someone who never lies, and never betrays, with whom there are no taboo subjects.
It is all about words. If I had a girlfriend, and she had sex with someone else, I might forgive her. It would be a question of who it was with, why it happened, and whether it would happen again. But if she lied about me behind my back, or talked to others about something thet was private between us, I would hate her for it. I could feel hostile toward her over that.
I am Hyperlexia personified. Cheating on me sexually might not necessarily end the relationship, but if she cheated on me with words, that could.
What makes a good friend for me? The same thing thet makes me a good friend to others; trust. And that is where the concept of sexual fidelity comes into it; I do not really care if she has sex with someone else. What I care about is the trust sexual fidelity represents.
Children with AS can develop imaginative play, but usually as a solitary and idiosyncratic activity.
I have never known how to play with anyone; in fact it makes me feel acidy aversion when they try. Even with little kids, I feel almost a "skin crawl" anxiety type of feeling. I want to hold them, and smell them, and hug them, and sing to them, and cuddle them, but I hate playing. And when girls flirt by playing games, I just find it so irritating. And party games are horrible to me. And "adult" game-playing (as in head-games) are just anger-provoking.
When alone I still do not even play games with myself. I fantasize sometimes, about architecture and building houses, motorcycle adventure riding and mapping out routes, and designing drums sets and playing them. I suppose those creative fantasies are a form of game I play in my head. But you will note I never picture other people being involved.
Children with AS may not be interested in the activities of their peers or in making friends. They are usually more interested in understanding the physical rather than social world, and may enter the pre-school playground to explore the drainage or plumbing systems, or to search for insects or reptiles, or to gaze at the different cloud formations. The social activities of the child's peers are perceived as boring, with incomprehensible social rules. The child is content with solitude, but may be motivated to interact with adults who can answer questions beyond the knowledge of the child's peers, or seek refuge from the noisy and chaotic playground in the quiet sanctuary of the school library to read about topics such as volcanoes, meteorology, and transport systems.
This was so totally me. At the age of 6 and 7 I detested all kids in school, and played with Matchbox cars alone, with a running commentary to myself in my own invented language. I was fascinated by the games the girls played, jumprope and hand-clapping games, but was forbidden to play with girls by the sexistly segregated school. I hated all boys, 100% bullies, or otherwise too rough and competative in their play, I could not understand the point of anyway. And the very few times I even attempted to interact in a game with others, they always cheated; they would always get a resentful jeer on their face because I wanted them to play by the rules, thus proving all of them were sociopath Anarchists. My ethical superiority thus made it beneath me to play with other kids.
On the playground I always noted the scent of the cement, pavement, paint, and building materials. The sunlight was always painfully bright, which my Synesthesia made me able to hear, alternating with the irritating yellow-tinted (to me) lights inside the building. I was always irritated if anyone talked at all. I hated the moronic infant children, and (with my vague sense of physical presence) would ask the teachers what the proper names were for assorted body parts, to which they would have an anxiety attack and run away - intentionally withholding education. I desperately needed to study anatomy (I was fascinated with the butchering of animals and studying their parts) to help me get in touch with my body, thus my location in it. I always felt so lost, searching for education the teachers purposely withheld.
Instead of having my questions answered, I was abused into the extreme disociation of a multiple personality, and left my body completely several times.
By the time I was 10 I was fascinated with geology, specifically volcanoes and earthquakes, but the public school system forbid me to "waste time" on subjects like that thet were not part of their utterly useless "curriculum". The teacher teased me for being a gifted artist, thus labeling me the "weirdo" in the class of talentless imbeciles the school tried to keep dummied down. During recess I would go to the library to look through Hot Rod magazines. When the kids were sent out to play soccer, I would hide in the shadows by the building so the teachers would not force me to "play". Some girl came into the library and literally screamed at me, "You are so rude!" I had never seen her before in my life. Apparently she had tried to talk to me, but I had honestly not noticed, thus she took it personal. The constant wince I felt in the presence of any person is something I never adjusted to. I think thet even by the age of 10 I still could not hear correctly.
By the time I was 13 I felt anything associated with school was an utterly useless waste of time.
By Junior High I was stumbling around the school in total bewilderment and shock, getting an A++ in art while flunking everything else.
By 8th grade I was in perpetual state of extreme anxiety. I was actually terrified to sit in class all day. At that age the kids became especially sadistic in their (War Criminals looking for a place to happen/Stanley Milgram's Guinea Pigs) paranoia - daily lashing out in terror to deflect the focus of the lynch-mob off of themselves (onto me of course).
Junior High is where the kids would constantly poke me with a finger, saying "Why don't you talk? Why don't you talk?" with this look of soulless terror in their eyes. But if I ever did say anything (in Pragmatic Language Disorder; read: Spill my guts to startled strangers) they would cackle with anxiety and run to their cult of witch-burners and repeat what I had said to them, to which they all would laugh in trembling anxiety and outright fear at the thought of themselves being that vulnerable. They would all attack me in class, to which the sadistic "teachers" would gloat.
I will never forgive my parents for making me go to school, for all I ever learned there was how to hate. I flunked 5th grade. Then I flunked 8th grade and never went back. I would consider a GED a defilement of, and an insult to, my superior intellect.
Sometimes the Asperger child will form a friendship with a similar socially isolated child who shares the same interest, but not necessarily the diagnosis. The friendship tends to be functional and practical, exchanging items and knowledge of mutual interest, and may eventually extend to a small group of like-minded children with similar levels of social [in-]competence and [un-]popularity.
The only healthy interaction I ever had with my parents was playing music. Thus I only understood how to interact with musicians (while playing music). This of course was still a disaster because I thus judged my potential "friends" on their musical ability rather than on their quality as human beings; this led to inevitable disappointment. I resented having to use music as a vehicle to a friendship thet was never forthcoming anyway. It ruined music for me (which I otherwise loved, and was even gifted at). I eventually quit the music business because I could not stand the people. To this day I bitterly resent the irony thet musicians ruined my music career.
I felt so desperately lonely when I was in a band. The frustration I felt toward them for their inability to have an intimate friendship drove me to a rage.
This is also how I felt about sex; I eventually quit even wanting to have a sex-life because I could not (under) stand the people. To this day I bitterly resent thet women ruined my sex-life. I felt so desperately lonely when I was in love with or sexually attracted to someone. The frustration I felt toward them for their inability to have an intimate (emotionally accessible) friendship (based on word-usage) with (socially clueless) me drove me to a rage and ruined sex for me.
Now, as with sex, I fantasize about playing music alone, just because I like music. I have given up on connecting with anyone through music (romance or sex).
Tony describes a "Boasting Book" Asperger kids can carry with them and take notes in on their achievements in at least attempting to make friends. Typically Aspergian, these kids are having relationships with words not people, thus writing it down and re-reading it helps them evolve in their ability to make friends (though I can see how this could also make them further have relationships with words rather than people).
Throughout my life I apparently "kept notes" on how to avoid being sabotaged by sadists. Having abusive Schizophrenic parents and siblings, I collected lists of defense-mechanisms rather than friendship skills; and the school system was, though completely different, just as bad. My family and schools only taught me how to become invisible to avoid attack, rather than how to make friends.
And this is why I am doing these zines and book reviews and commentary. I want to help other people give Aspie kids a good life. Diagnose them early and help them learn how to make friends.
My parents were Jehovah's Witnesses who believed all people outside of their cult were "worldly" and thus "bad associations". I was thus forbidden to make friends, while inept even when I had tried. I hate them so much for this.
There can be different coping mechanisms used by girls with AS in comparison to boys. Girls are more likely to be interested observers of the social play of other girls, and to imitate their play at home using dolls and imaginary friends, or adopt the persona of the socially-adept girls. These activities can be a valuable opportunity to analyze and rehearse friendship skills.
Girls with AS can develop a special interest in reading fiction. This also provides an insight into thoughts, emotions, and social relationships. Boys can be encouraged to play with dolls, but to re-enact everyday experiences rather than movies, and to read fiction. Normal kids instinctively "play House", copying the adult roles they have witnessed in their own culture. Aspergers do not. And in my case specifically, my family were all barking mad, thus (even if I had been Normal) I had no desire to copy them at all.
I never wanted to adopt the behavior of other people, because they were all so paranoid and abusive, while I was gullible, clueless, and isolated. I never wanted to be like them. Instead I was horrified, bewildered, and a deer in headlights when around other people. Observing others in an attempt to learn how to be sociable myself seemed an oxymoron to me, for they were so anti-social (as sociopaths) as far as I could tell, and 100% of them were terrified of emotional intimacy and vulnerability - thus explaining why their every interaction consists entirely of pointless small-talk - while my every attempt to communicate consisted of me spilling my guts to startled strangers, producing in them a panic reaction.
My horrid abuser parents forbid me to "have" any material possessions. When I was 10 my sister had a doll I would play with (while terrified my parents might find out), but my play was always solitary. Even the things I would make the doll do were solitary adventure type play - usually climbing the stairs as an imaginary mountain-climber, with no actual point to it other than the mechanics of ropes and leverage. The doll would never interact with other dolls.
I always found reading fiction to be irritating, for I was especially annoyed by reading the conversations between the characters (which is the point Tony is making above).
When left to my own devices I would paint abstract pictures, or make abstract sculptures out of modeling clay, or play drums alone, obsessed with my own invented pattern recognition in all 3 subjects. I also loved going for long walks or hikes alone, talking my head off to myself. This evolved into writing obsessively while Motorcycle Adventure Riding alone.
Parents and teachers can consider friendship matchmaking, based on the child's special interest. Local parent support groups can provide the names and addresses of families, along with the special interests of the children, in order to arrange potential friendships. However, I have noted that when the shared interest ends for one partner, the friendship may also end. This is what I have mentioned many times as the difference between a friend and a companion - a companion is a person with which what you are doing together is more important than who you are doing it with, as opposed to a friend wherein who you are with is more important than what you can do together.
All my life I have tried this friendship match-making, basing the future potentiality of friendship on what we had in common; e.g., getting a bunch of musicians together, and since we could all play music, I thought that meant we could become friends. It was all a colossal mistake.
In her book The Uncharted Path (see my review), Rachel makes that point: As I have thought about why so many of my attempts to find community have not worked, I have come to see that I have made many of the same mistakes over and over. I now make a concerted effort to avoid the following errors:
- Confusing competence with intelligence.
- Ignoring my instincts and previous experience.
- Trying [obsessively] to do everything right.
- Idealizing a group, and jumping in with both feet.
The interest can also be used to facilitate friendships [with the Normals (in my dreams)]. My wife's sister has AS and an outstanding ability in art. She wrote that at school: "Longing to make friends, when someone complimented a drawing I had done, I started giving people my drawings until someone accused me of bragging - a rebuke I never forgot. I was only trying to win friendships."
It is "interesting" to me how she uses the word "win". Is making friends just an endless game of competition hoop-jumping? And if you do it too well you get accused of bragging?
The majority of the time, I do not want friends. The only time I feel really good is when I am Motorcycle Adventure Riding alone for months at a time, during which I obsessively write my brains out. As I am writing, I hope someone will read it some day, but I only feel that way when I am alone to start with.
The person with AS may also make friends with visitors to their own culture. Visitors sometimes share the same challenges integrating into a new culture as a native with AS. Though an Aspie guide may not be the best choice to help one assimilate into a new culture, it could possibly be easier for the Aspie to make friends with someone who is equally clueless as to social etiquette.
When I was in Oregon I lived in a Russian neighborhood. As a young teen I only "made friends" with the Russians because they were religiously "no part of the world" and culturally very strange. I became a "anthropologist" studying the Russians, which I was fascinated with, while utterly disinterested in learning or even acknowledging Oregon culture (100% Paranoid Schizophrenic assholes). Toward every Oregonian musician I played with I felt, "I hate you and everyone you know. Get out of my life."
Unfortunately the Russians had an extremely Communistic/Siberian culture, wherein if anyone shows up on your doorstep you are required to take them in and care for them or they will freeze to death. Thus, even in relatively-warm Oregon, they still had this culture wherein they would show up at my house, uninvited and unexpected, and just walk in without knocking and make themselves at home. They expected me to be delighted to drop everything and entertain and feed them, for that was considered polite behavior on my part in their culture. To an American this is considered very rude on their part, and to an Asperger they were absolutely infuriating! If I got angry and yelled at them to get the hell out of my house, they were left shocked, believing I was somehow making a horribly un-funny joke. They could not imagine I would be so appallingly rude as to ask them to leave.
Needless to say my attempts to maintain friendships with Russians was hopelessly short-lived.
But I did continue to get a kick out of Russians in general because they gesture wildly and have exaggerated vocal inflection. Being an Aspie, you have to exaggerate or I do not get the point. Of course my Russian vocabulary was small enough thet I could not keep up with the conversation anyway, but their exaggerated mannerisms were still fun for me to analyze.
See this video of a girl, Meytal Cohen, with exaggerated facial features making exaggerated facial expressions; she constantly wiggles her eyebrows and twitches her lips. I do not understand any of it, but really enjoy watching her; my favorite part is at 1:54 where she says Ghosts-notes are her favorite thing to do, and then her whole face twitches. I have no clue what it means, but am delighted with it none-the-less. http://maximummeytal.com. Though I could not understand much of it, I got such a kick out of watching Russians talk.
Tony speaks Australian English, thus this American English-speaker has to re-read his sentances sometimes; e.g., he continually uses the word "Tuition" when he means "Tutoring". In American English "Tuition" is the amount of money one pays the Tutor. Otherwise he is easy to understand as a writer.
Tony quotes Hans Asperger many times. I definitely want to read Hans's original book, for in these quotes he comes across as a genius.
Tony often repeats thet Autistics must learn social behavior intellectually rather than instinctively; i.e., it is not something they just "pick up" - they must be directly taught it. In my case it is merely a matter of putting everything into words, thus explaining my typically Aspergian need to talk to myself constantly. I also cannot learn by being shown pictures - I must have it explained in words.
As mentioned above about the Russians: The person with AS is almost an anthropologist conducting research on a newly discovered culture.
This is why I hated the retards at the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson. They had no desire to get better by studying the Normals's culture, they just wanted their sub-Democracy to hide in, as created by the abusive co-addict "facilitator" of the group, Dr Nichols.
I have written so many zines thet were literally anthropology.
There is a documentary film called Keep the River on Your Right; A Modern Cannibal Tale. It is about a homosexual anthropologist who spends his whole life trying to prove thet being a mentally ill pervert is normal, by discovering a culture (of stone-age "wild indian" cannibals who live in some jungle) wherein all the men are bi-sexual. He thus pathetically "proves" he was not sexually abused as a child, but "born queer", thus a "normal fag".
Thus was my Autistic behavior to some extent, wherein I loved to travel with a Utopian Vision in my head, desperate to find "my people" somewhere. I eventually gave up on that delusion, committed a huge symbolic suicide, and started studying my disorder (rather than the people who do not have it).
When a mother asks her child, "What did you do at school today?", the typical child will know what their mother already knows and what she would like to know. Children with impaired Theory Of Mind (any Autistic) may not know how to answer such a question. Does she want to know everything from the moment the child entered the classroom to the moment she left? If so the child will refuse to answer the question as it is just too difficult; or they will provide a detailed commentary of the whole day, the monolog becoming very tedious.
This is a defining characteristic of AS: The inability to recognize one must answer a question when asked. Most Aspies simply do not answer questions because it is just too difficult to figure out what the questioner actually wants to know, and because we do not care to interact with others.
Aspies have a greater allegiance to honesty and the truth than to the thoughts and feelings of others.
The first thing you are taught in public school is thet "narc" is a dirty word. They are all literally beaten into the understanding thet we must all be conscienceless sociopaths who lie to cover for, or at least consciously turn a blind eye to, the criminal in our midst. I grew up angrily yelling (at least to myself) "The truth is always right no matter who it hurts!" in enraged arrogance over my ethical superiority, for without an understanding of what the truth was I was left with no understanding at all. I desperately needed truth as the only logical reference point.
The life-long anger I feel over having a compulsive liar mother is something I refuse to get over. My hatred proves my superiority: My ethical superiority makes me a God compared to you, and you are not worthy of eating my shit. This is how I feel about LIARS! And somehow this is called a disorder? If everyone were like me, Earth would be paradise!
This level of angry ridiculous over-reaction is inevitable in an Aspie. I hate it, but I cannot help it.
Adults with AS can be renown for being honest, having a strong sense of social justice, and keeping to the rules. They strongly believe in moral and ethical principles. These are admirable qualities in life, but can cause considerable problems when the person's employer does not share the same ideals. I suspect that many "whistle-blowers" have Asperger's Syndrome. I have certainly met several who have compared company and government codes of conduct to their own, and thus could not refrain from reporting wrong-doing and corruption. They have consequently been astounded that the organizational culture have been less than supportive.
In a zine I wrote, Indigo #1, I said:
Then I went to work for Ulven. Management there were paranoid Pacifists who tip-toed around on egg-shells terrified of confronting reality (“If we all keep on our fake plastic smiley faces maybe reality will just go away.”). Thus they refused to clean house and get rid of the malicious sociopaths who were stealing tools, destroying product, lying on their time-cards every day, and even overtly trying to sabotage the company in front of OSHA inspectors.
I eventually got sick of having to listen to 30 angry men bitch all day about how much they hated their jobs, and took it upon myself to fix the problem; I called management on their crap, telling them to grow up and clean house. They were extremely intimidated by me for this.
Then I got sick of personally putting out fires in the factory 3 times (having my own house burn down 4 times made me enraged over fire-hazards, which I clearly let them know about!) and told them to fix the damn problem or I would call OSHA and shut this place down. Once again they were extremely intimidated by me for this.
In workaholic martyrdom I kept pointing out blatant OSHA violations and they became so afraid of me they “laid me off”. Then they game me $1500 severance-pay (read: hush-money).
Autism is the next step in human evolution. I am an evolutionary step above the rest of you, thus earning the label of "Indigo". I feel a combination of true pride (What is my ethical responsibility as the Savior of humanity?), and vicious spite (Kill them all!).
Of course my stint with CPS was a disaster, wherein I was angrily told I should have purposely forced a 2 year old to pee her pants, rather than risk being accused of being a child molester by taking the kid to the toilet. Child Protective Services told me to intentionally humiliate a child!
They literally roared at me in anger because I had simply relayed the information I received from a CPS kid who said they were being molested. "DO NOT MAKE US DO OUR JOB! Just shut up, stay corrupt, and let us continue to pillage another paycheck from the State treasury! CPS kids be damned!"
I feel vicious hatred toward all of you corrupt whores, for I have the moral authority to do so. I have a God Complex-I-mean Asperger's Syndrome, thus proving I am superior to you!
Another symptom of AS is, "Ruminates on bad experience past for inordinate lengths of time." Yes. But I again have the moral authority to do so. I have the Ethical right to hold a grudge.
This is all once again a ridiculous over-reaction which I hate, but cannot help but feel.
(As I am editing this otherwise finished zine, I read the above few previous paragraphs and wonder where I came up with this crap. It is partly due to me honestly recognizing my ethical superiority, thus becomming righteously angry over it, but mainly due to the Autistic necessity of feeling intense (and sometimes even extreme) emotion as a Stim. If something bothers my sense of Ethics, I become very angry over it, to the extent I feel like an Autistic melt-down is approaching, and thus intentionally (though usually unconsciously) induce in myself the most exaggerated emotion I can, to help me Stim myself to calmness again. The intentionally-provoked exaggerated anger is a tool I use as a Stim, without which I would have a raging case of bleeding colitis).
Back to the subject at hand; I suspect that many "whistle-blowers" have Asperger's Syndrome; i.e., it was inevitable I would become fascinated with Project Camelot, which consists almost entirely of interviews with secret-government whistle-blowers. Supporters of Project Camelot are referred to as "The Ground Crew"; a Revolution Of Truth based on our ethical responsibility (see Projectcamelotportal.org)
[The physical defensiveness] of Aspies might be due to very real social experiences, where if they encounter hostility from a person, any subsequent (even polite) interaction with that person would be confusing. The Aspie could make the assumption that any interaction must be intentionally hostile, while typical children would be better able to interpret the other person's intentions by the context and other social cues.
Since Autistics always have Sensory Processing Disorders, sometimes manifesting as physical hyper-sensitivities, they are already averse to touch. Then we add the fact thet Aspies spend their childhoods being slapped before the class by "teachers", and thus beaten up by the teacher's puppet-bullies. These 2 things combined creates an adult who becomes angry if anyone merely accidentally bumps into them.
In Indigo #1 I said:
- Anger at being bumped by accident.
I hate to be touched, and I stopped going to festival-type concerts because I would feel a vicious hostility toward moshers and otherwise “rude” people who touched me by accident in the crowd. Though no one ever knew it, I would have outright rage-attacks in crowds. This resulted in my utterly brain-dead family deciding I must be shy, for declining invitations to social events, thus them constantly dragging me out into public again to suffer another rage-attack in their pathetic little delusion that I needed them to help me make friends, when what I really felt was vicious hatred of humanity.
It is logical thet Autistics come to the conclusion thet all touch is hostile; i.e., my parents will never be forgiven for making me go to school, any person who believes in Democracy is outright evil, and all women have rape-fantasies and S&M fetishes.
To paraphrase Tony: For the Aspie, in trying to solve a problem it would not occur to them to ask someone who might have the answer. Instead they routinely learn on their own through trial-and-error.
I was not like that, in thet I would readily go specifically to someone who I assumed would have the answer. But to my amazement, they were usually so terrified of Democracy thet when I admitted to them thet I was ignorant, they would have a panic-attack at the mere thought of themselves admitting weakness (e.g., literally terrified to ask for directions when they are obviously lost). They would always snap into their typical Stanley Milgram's Guinea Pig mode and belligerently attack me for admitting weakness, when I had gone to (relative expert) them asking for their professional advice!
I eventually developed my hatred of Democracy (and an absolute rage over the purposeful withholding of education!), thus learning to be more like my fellow Aspies and figure it out on my own. Being more intelligent and more mature than anyone else, I went on to invent on my own the basic Political belief thet included Zen, Tao, Sufism, and Scientology (along with Communist Theory, wherein all people should be equal comrades within the context of an intellectual meritocracy, thus all people would intellectually equalize upward).
Aspies may fail to understand that they would be more likely to achieve what they want by being nice to the other person. When an argument or altercation is over, the person with AS may also show less remorse or appreciation of repair-mechanisms for other people's feelings, such as an apology.
Though it is true thet in general I do not give a damn about your pathetic runt feelings, I am able to apologize when I do something thet hurts someone and is in fact my fault, in fact in my perfectionism I am extremely hard on myself if I make a mistake; e.g., if someone is asleep on the couch, and I am not aware of it, and I come into the room talking to the cat and thus wake them up, I feel almost horrified and apologize profusely, for I intensely hate being woken up. I can empathize in that scenario, thus readily apologize.
Once I was at a petrol station filling a gas-can. I accidentally spilled about an 8th of a cup. The owner saw the spill and was very angry with me. I was horribly embarrassed, for in my physical awkwardness and Attention Deficit I had not even noticed, and so I apologize and offered to help him clean it up. But his mouse fart of an ego was demolished, thus he was almost in tears of rage. As with my every interaction with the trembling infant Normals, I was astonished by this. So I again apologized - "I am sorry, it was an accident" - and offered to clean it up myself; by then it had mostly evaporated anyway. He insisted on trying to kill himself with ego devastation, and went into the station nearly in tears, radiating a rage energy. I was by then insulted thet he insisted on being mad at me over a relatively harmless mistake I had repeatedly apologized for and even offered to fix myself. He went into the building and just sat there in egoless rage telling me he could get fined for gas-spills. A new wave of embarrassment washed over me for this, as I realized why it was such a big deal to him, and I felt very bad about almost getting him in trouble. I thus apologized again for the accident, again offered to clean it up myself (note thet he did not want to clean it up, in fact he walked away from the spill and went into the building where he sat, wanting to play the victim, thus justifying his anger toward (Saint) me as over-compensation for his egolessness). He just sat there fuming, while refusing to clean it up in hopes he would get caught, thus allowing him to make a public display of what a "victim" he was. I became angry with him for that pathetic game-playing, and yelled at him thet this was my fault, it was an accident, I have offered to clean it up myself, and he needed to grow up an accept my sincere apology, or at least accept my help in cleaning it up! He almost started crying.
I felt a flash of rage, and wanted to kill him. How dare he not accept my apology over something I was truly embarrassed about! I left before I had to beat him to death. What an utterly repulsive human being he was.
As usual I stayed mad for months about what a pathetic loser he was.
I feel such contempt toward people who want to theatrically play the victim, while simultaneously deluding themselves thet feeling fake-angry is empowering. What pathetically immature weakling morons!
Incidents like this daily beat into the ground the fact I am more intelligent and more mature than anyone else.
The comments can be interpreted as deliberately critical and hostile, but the motivation of the person with AS may have been to encourage perfection and to enlighten the other person about the error. I have seen teenagers with AS criticize the teacher in front of the whole class. The teacher's mistake can be trivial, such as an incorrect spelling, but for the young person with AS the desire to correct the mistake takes precedence over the feelings of the teacher.
This is why I think all people but me have Paranoid Schizophrenia; if I simply make a positive suggestion, their microscopic ego is devastated, and almost in tears of pain they roar "I know!", their egos so horribly wounded by my enlightening encouragement (?). WTF!
This plays into my angry belief thet all people are intentionally withholding information from me. If I ask point blank for someone to correct my imperfection, they feel anxiety and refuse to do so, because they think my feelings might be hurt by the legitimate correction I asked for!, which they think would result in me lashing out at them in self-defense; for that is what they would do in that situation, the pathetic infants.
A qualitative difference in the understanding and expression of emotions that was originally described by Hans Asperger is acknowledged in the diagnostic criteria [of today]:
DMS-IV: "Lack of social or emotional reciprocity."
ICD-10: "A failure to develop peer relationships that involve a mutual sharing of interests, activities, and emotions. The lack of socio-emotional reciprocity is expressed as an impaired or deviant response to other people's emotions; and/or lack of modulation of behavior according to the social context; and/or weak integration of social, emotional, and communicative behaviors."
Gillberg: "Socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior, and limited or inappropriate facial expressions."
Szatmari: "Difficulty sensing the feelings of others, detached from the feelings of others, limited facial expression, unable to read emotion from facial expression, and unable to give messages with the eyes."
Though as an Indigo I am profoundly good at reading people (psychically), I often miss the point socially, especially in the USA where we have the greatest racial and cultural diversity in the world - I am forever a deer in headlights searching for the reference-point.
The above list of symptoms can be explained by referring to the Asperger's Fixated Subjects, wherein the Aspie's inability to interact with people is not always due to their aversion to people, but to other people's aversion to being lectured to (at) by Professor Aspie about his Fixated Subject. Aspies desperately want to make friends, interact, and connect, they just cannot stay off the fixated subject long enough to connect with anyone on any other subjects; i.e., if you want to talk to me about your hatred of the gang-raping lynch-mob of witch-burners called majority moron rule, i.e. Democracy, then we can be friends for life. But if you want to talk about anything else, I am bored with you. And since I cannot get off the subject, you are bored with me.
I cannot explain the inappropriate facial expressions. I have no idea why my face grins like an idiot while I am relaying horrible news. I am aware of it, and want to punch my face to make it stop smiling. Most of the time my face just goes blank, or my eyes seem to be gazing off into my own world when I am talking about something thet actually excites me.
Elizabeth, the dispatcher at my day-job, is from Michigan, and was talking about how bewildered she was thet people here in this hick town (Las Cruces NM) actually make fun of her for reading. I responded by saying thet I am from Portland Oregon, and Oregon has the highest literacy rate in the USA, and Portland specifically has the highest number of people per-capita who hold active library cards, and also has the nation's largest book-store (Google "Portlandia did you read". It is a skit about Portlanders making fun of Portlanders for their smugness over their superior literacy).
But as I told her this, I turned 90 degrees away from her to face North, toward Oregon, to talk about Oregon. Elizabeth thought I had turned to face the wall thet had some posters on it, and so she looked at the posters trying to figure out how they connected to what I was saying. She looked very confused because I had inadvertently directed her attention to that wall rather than the picture in my head of a map of Oregon. My eyes were focusing internally on that map in my head (off in my own world), while she was trying to Joint Reference with me about the posters on the wall.
Joint Attention or Joint Reference is when you point at something, and so I look in the direction you are pointing to see what you are talking about. Aspergers are bad at Joint Referencing, in thet they (at least in my case) study your teeth while you are talking, rather than looking toward where your finger is pointing. Aspies also do not readily gesture about, or point to, what they are talking about. Thus Elizabeth thought I was talking about the posters.
This is just as frustrating to me as it is to the person I am talking to. They never understand what the hell I am talking about, because they are listening with their eyes rather than their ears, and I am talking about the picture in my head while oblivious to the posters on the wall I am facing (my nose literally 8 inches away from them).
Another example is when I was on duty as Security Guard at the Museums, and a co-worker, off duty, came there to hear a public lecture thet was being presented that day. She said Hi to me, and so I said Hi back. Then she said "Don't you recognize me out of my uniform?" My facial expression apparently did not register recognition, even though I had recognised her immediately.
As for A failure to develop peer relationships that involve a mutual sharing of interests, activities, and emotions, I was the sound-tech for a band called Detente Touch when they played a show at a club in Portland. It was the best show I and we ever did, and I was so exhilarated I could hardly keep from shrieking with delight. But after the show, the band all packed up their gear and left, while I packed up my gear and went home alone. I almost cried with excitement, but I also almost cried from loneliness for I wanted to excitedly squeal over what a fantastic show we just had, but no one was there to talk to. By the time I got home and got the equipment unloaded, took a shower, and was ready to go to bed, I was still so excited I could not sleep, I stayed up all night and all the next day, leaping about in excitement, talking excitedly until my voice was hoarse.
I never felt so lonely in all my life, for there was simply no one to talk to, least of all the band members themselves! The amount of emotional pain I felt in that desperate loneliness was the beginning of the end for me, resulting in my steady downward spiral to suicide (cause of death, Anomie; i.e., the inability to adjust to the culture-shock).
So, as far as I could tell, this failure to develop peer relationships was never my fault.
That was also the year I had made the conscious decision to stop torturing myself and just give up on trying to acquire a girlfriend; thus explaining why this music career meant so much to me - I had transferred my desire from women to music. Then this event happened and reinforced the fact no person will ever be involved with me. The frantic desperation of my loneliness at that time was unbearable. I developed Obsessive Personality Disorder in a attempt to be absolutely perfect in my desperation to connect with people. Unfortunately all that accomplished was to create a wider gap between literally-perfect me and the typical loser musician trash (bums, flakes, junkies, you know, "the musician type.")
I went on to over-compensate with a God Complex of rage toward them. This results in, The lack of socio-emotional reciprocity being expressed as an impaired or deviant response to other people's emotions.
I also spent my whole deer in headlights life in anxiety due to all people being what I perceived as hysterical headless chickens.
I so much hate drama-trauma Geminis, upitty Niggers, hysterical childishness (see my lecture called Do Not Just Stand There).
As for inability to read emotion from facial expression, and unable to give messages with the eyes. I can read people (psychically) exceptionally well, but not necessarily their facial expressions - especially Asians. I just have no clue.
The disturbingly blank expression on the face and in the eyes of some Autistic kids is what makes me feel such sympathy and empathy for them. I have seen a few thet gave me anxiety-attacks because their faces and eyes were so dead. But I saw another utterly dead-face-and-eyes kid who unlike most Autistics was fascinated with staring into your eyes. She was about 2 years old, and took my face in her hands and just staaaaared deeeep into my eyes. Though it was disturbing to look into her dead eyes (not just for me as an Aspie, but probably for anyone) her desire and even fixation to look into mine was fascinating to me. I wanted to be in the life of that child.
Her typical ridiculously-vain Mexican mother thought I was fussing with the child as a way of flirting with the mother, which she was very uncomfortable with (Stupid cunt, thinks all men want to fuck her. Duuuh.).
Around 65% of Aspergers develop secondary mood disorders such as Anxiety and Depression. There is also a greater risk of developing Bi-polar Disorder, and even delusional disorders, paranoia, and conduct disorders. Thus leading to, as in my case, a mis-diagnosis of Schizophrenia. I shall here repeat what was said in Indigo # 3:
Emotional problems like depression, anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder appear on Mom’s side of the genetic inheritance teeter-totter with Schizophrenia, while Asperger's and other social deficits are on Dad’s.
Some problems associated with Autism, like an aversion to meeting another’s gaze, or otherwise being oblivious to the existence of others, are in direct contrast to those found in people with Schizophrenia, who often believe they are being watched. Where children with Autism appear blind to others’ thinking and intentions, people with Schizophrenia see secret evil intention and meaning everywhere in their delusions. The idea expands on the “extreme male brain” theory of Autism.
Think of the grandiosity in Schizophrenia, how some people think they are Jesus, or Napoleon, or omnipotent, and then contrast this with the underdeveloped sense of self in Autism. In my dreams I often change sexes, or morph into a car or cat. Autistic kids often talk about themselves in third person. See my book of poetry called Exit Strategy, written from the perspective of a young woman having an abortion (I am a middle-aged man).
It has been the most infuriating thing for me to deal with, thet apparently all people but me have paranoid delusions and persecution complexes (at least from my perception as a gullible and trusting Asperger).
Schizophrenics over-compensate for their paranoia with Delusions of Grandeur, whereas Autistics have to spin themselves to even find their own location.
For teenage Aspergers, an additional mood disorder is the rule not the exception.
I had Clinical (morbid despair) Depression when I was 19 - 20 - 21. I thought of it as a Nervous Breakdown, but it could have been an actual disorder at the time.
In Indigo #1 was listed all the possible symptoms of AS, which included:
- Dysthymia.
Dysthymia is depression that is, though chronic, not as intense as Clinical Depression but is more focused.
Clinical Depression is when you are chronically depressed about everything all the time. I definitely had that in my teens.
Dysthymia is feeling horribly depressed about one specific thing every day but not all day.
Today I definitely feel a despairing depression every day about the same thing, though most of the day I feel okay. This is Dysthymia.
I clearly have this "additional mood disorder".
The extensive research of Theory of Mind skills confirm that people with AS have considerable difficulty identifying and conceptualizing the thought and feelings of other people and themselves. The interpersonal and inner world of emotions appears to be uncharted territory for people with AS. This will affect the person's ability to monitor and manage emotions within themselves and others.
This leads to Asperger Flat Effect, wherein the expected emotional response is not forthcoming - thus proving I am more emotionally mature than anyone else; when posturing punks roar in my face desperate to provoke a fight, I stare blankly, thinking, "Die. I will not notice (snicker)", or just as frequently I am a deer in headlights unable to find the reference-point in my mind for their bizarre behavior. They are not able to get from me the expected emotional response.
Women flirting with me without using spoken language also results in them not getting the expected emotional response. I either stare blankly like a deer in headlights, or I do not notice them at all.
This also leads to the alternate flash-temper, wherein the Aspie craves the feeling of intense emotion. It is almost like a Bi-polar Disorder, wherein if I go too long feeling calm, I need to feel intense anger, or at least have a good cry, as compensation for my otherwise Flat Effect.
This further proves my emotional maturity in thet my emotions are so easily accessible, which of course terrifies the little Normals who are so afraid of their own feelings they are thus afraid of mine.
This also goes with the Aspie's difficulty in reading facial expressions, and being overwhelmed by eye-contact. When other people are being emotionally expressive, I perceive them as barking mad, hysterical headless chickens, and appallingly immature. Black people "getting upitty" by being hysterical is the most disgusting thing to me - I hate hysterical Nubian goats, fake drama-trauma Geminis, and the terrified anxiety (pathetically veiled with a single thread of swaggering pomposity) of Harley Fags (desperately overcompensating for their unusually small penises).
This can all be summed up as me simply not using others as an emotional reference-point.
Tony also talks about Prosopagnosia, which is "face-blindness"; i.e., the inability to recognize people by their face, or at least difficulty reading the emotion in facial expressions. An extreme example of which was mentioned in my review of the book The Siege, wherein the Autistic child (gifted at putting puzzles together), could not put this specific puzzle together because it had a face on it and she was simply unable to recognize it as a face (Also see my review of the movie Faces In the Crowd).
Typical people have special areas of the brain that process facial information, but this seems not to be the case for people with AS, who process faces as objects and focus only on individual components of the face. This can contribute to the misinterpretation of someone's emotional expression.
I definitely have this. I study the teeth of the person who is talking (reading their lips) because I cannot understand them otherwise (which is a manifestation of CAPD); I hate talking to people on the phone because if I cannot see their mouth, then I have to ask them "What? What? What?" all through the "conversation".
I also recognize people by specific physical features, and not their overall presence as a person. I recognize almost everyone by their teeth, or otherwise an odd physical feature thet makes them unique. This is "made worse" by the Aries trait of being very attracted to the exotic (as demonstrated by my fascination with Buell motorcycles, or the fact this Swede thinks Mexican women are gorgeous, while I think White women are just boring or even ugly).
Meanwhile I declare thet I am profoundly better than anyone else at reading facial expressions, in thet the Normals often cannot tell the difference between a fear-grin and a smile; this completely amazes me, and explains why I hate television so much.
Tony also talks about Alexithymia, which is an impaired ability to identify and describe feeling states.
I definitely do not have this. I am well known for my ability to express emotion in words. Wimps even tell me (as an insult) thet I "use words as tools, but also as weapons (whimper)." Or try to insult me by calling me "a realist." And I am absolutely infuriated by what I refer to as "Illiterate hicks who cannot speak English!"; i.e., pretty much all people but me.
I also have Pragmatic Language Disorder, wherein I spilled my guts and cry to people, rather than engaging them in pointless blithering small-talk.
The degree of expression of negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, and sadness, can be extreme, and described by parents as an on/off switch set at maximum volume.
I refer to this as emotional accessibility, which terrifies the little Normals, thus proving their emotional infantilism. You people are so emotionally constipated, you eventually flip-out and kill your co-workers, while I vocally roar in my car alone every day, thus venting the emotions so I can arrive at my destination in my typical Flat Effect.
In Tucson I had a swimming pool I would stand chest deep in and kick violently, shooting all the anger energy out the bottom of my foot into the cold water. I would do that for about 15 minutes, obsessively focusing on everything thet had made me angry that day. That is all it took. I went back into the house, ate dinner, had a rum and cola which invoked a cathartic sobbing session, and I was free to sleep in peace.
Just writing that sentance makes me feel so haughty. I am so profoundly more mature than anyone else, as proven by my ability to so easily access and embrace all of my emotions.
The Aspie may be most happy when alone, or when engaged in their special interest. They may not associate happiness with people, or not know how to interact with someone who is openly happy. Sometimes the Aspie's happiness is expressed in an "immature" or unusual way, such as literally jumping for joy, or clapping their hands excitedly.
The only time I am truly happy is after 20 days alone on my motorcycle adventure rides. I definitely do not equate happiness with people, in fact one of the most infuriating things to me is when I am laughing and someone interrupts me and wants in on the joke. I consider this unbelievably rude of them, while they simply want to be social and share my happiness. It makes me feel absolutely hostile!
And when someone else is laughing, I feel embarrassed for being within ear-shot of it, and so I "gracefully bow out" so they will not be interrupted in their mirth. Meanwhile they would probably be eager to share their humor with me, delighted thet I was laughing too. But I think it would be rude of me to "eavesdrop" on their (what is to me) "private" humor.
I also do not tell jokes, and am utterly disinterested in most people's quote-unquote "sense of humor".
In several of my zines I have mentioned thet I felt giddy and jumped up and down like an excited little kid. This again is called emotional accessibility, while the rest of you get a steely-eyed, stiff upper lip, anxiety. My Paranoid Schizophrenic seething with Avarice brother is especially prone to this reaction when I am merely grinning (in what he apparently perceives as "a shit-eating grin"). And often people will tell me something like "Do not come in here grinning like a dog eating yellow jackets!" They mean this in a pleasantly teasing way, but the fact remains they are uncomfortable, not with humor, but with my exaggerated ways of displaying it (as their anuses pucker in anxiety).
I see them all as emotionally constipated and afraid to be themselves. Infants.
Aspergers may intellectualize feelings, despise emotionality in others, and describe difficulties understanding emotions such as Love.
As mentioned above (and repeatedly in many of my pubs), I think all people are hysterical headless chickens "getting upitty" over nothing due to their appalling emotional immaturity, as proven by their anxiety in the face of the giddiness and joy thet I so readily express.
This seems so contradictory to my above-mentioned roaring and raging and sobbing-session type of emotional extremes. But as Tony says: Despite their being notorious for becoming irritable over relatively trivial matters, I have noted that some adults with AS are renown for remaining calm in a crisis when typical adults would panic.
This can be described as the Flat Effect delayed reaction, wherein I appear to be dead calm in a stressful situation while the infants are freaking out, then afterward I need to roar, rage, and sob once I am alone in my car or back at home (over the hysterical morons I had to deal with, not the actual traumatic event).
This ability has been very useful for adult Aspies who have been medical staff in emergency rooms, or soldiers on active duty, wherein they stay calm in traumatic situations because these involve people the Aspie does not readily empathize with or sometimes even acknowledge in the first place. They go into an absolute rage if a dog is barking 2 blocks away, but have no problems doing Crime Scene Cleanup. Again, see my Do Not Just Stand There lecture.
The Aspie may have an unusual concept of emotions in terms of understanding that someone can have two feelings at the same time. This is apparently due to the Aspie feeling each emotion with such intensity, while alternately feeling nothing at all, thet they get confused due to them not being able to keep track of more than a few things (be they objects or emotions) at a time.
Though I understand this, it is not something I have trouble deciphering myself. Even when I am intentionally provoking a rage-attack or a sobbing-session, I do so while intellectualizing it all into the ground. There is always 2 aspects of me present in any given emotional state - the cold calculations and the raging emotions.
A normal child is crying. The Aspie is asked what should be done to comfort the crying child. A normal person would attempt to repair the crying child's emotions by saying some "magic words", or holding them. The Aspie thinks much more pragmatically, assuming the thing to do would be to hand them tissues for their tears, make them a cup of tea, or talk to them about the Aspie's fixated subject (which is what would comfort the Aspie in that situation), or simply leave the room to allow the crying person to be undisturbed (which is again what the Aspie would want in this situation).
In Tucson my next-door neighbor was crying. I asked him if I should come in and be a good listener, or go away and leave him alone. It would not have occurred to me to hold him or give him "comforting words".
Shut up and listen, or go away. Those are the things I would have wanted in that situation, so those were the only things I could think to offer.
Sometimes Aspies will suggest a hug, but when asked why that would help they reply thet they do not know, but "that is what you are supposed to do". The Asperger cares and genuinely wants the child to feel better, but emotional repair is achieved by practical action, solitude, or imitating the observed response of others.
In Indigo #1 I said:
- Have difficulty offering comfort to the distressed.
As a child I was very abused by my evil parents and siblings, all of whom today are diagnosable as Paranoid Schizophrenics. Any time I wanted to be comforting, they would attack me. Thus it is hard to determine how much of my aversion to comforting people was programmed into me by abuse, and how much is Aspergers.
Today I immediately recognize intellectually when the situation arises that someone needs to be comforted, I just feel no emotional impulse to do so. When I do give the appropriate comfort to someone, because I know it is the thing to do, I just feel utter despair, a blank dead nothing in my heart while doing it. It makes me want to cry or throw up as I am giving comfort to someone. I feel they are sucking the life out of me.
At last someone (Tony) has given me an explanation of the difference between a Fixation and an Obsession. Asperger Fixated Subject is focused on something the Aspie loves and is thus comforted by thinking about (even if obsessively). Obsessive Personality Disorder is when the focus is on something bad thet makes one uncomfortable - they hate it but cannot get it out of their head.
If this is the case, then I never had Obsessive Personality Disorder, I just had extreme Fixations.
Meanwhile Aspergers are renown for fixating on and ruminating over bad experience past for inordinate lengths of time.
The person can have intrusive memories of the traumatic event that are very difficult to block. The original event was obviously traumatic, but invasive thoughts and re-enactments will cause the person repeatedly to experience the same feelings of fear and distress. In extreme cases, this can be called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I see this in my need to intentionally provoke raging anger or sobbing grief in order to get it out of my system (I do this constantly).
This also reminds me of what I said above about Echolalia, wherein I must repeat to myself over and over what I just said, or even just gestured, in order for it to get out of my system - thus suggesting Echolalia is a form of Stim; i.e., after interacting with another person, I feel a bit of anxiety, thus I must Stim the anxiety out of me by Echolalia-ating it into the ground.
What keeps this from being labeled Obsessive Personality Disorder or Compulsive Behavior Disorder is thet it is not necessarily some bad thing I cannot get out of my head; in fact it is often a good thing, or I at least make it into a good thing by putting it all into words (I love), only then fully understanding what just happened, thus acquiring closure on the subject.
Tony presents a section about "school refusal", explaining in detail all the psychological and physical-reaction reasons for a Aspie kids to hate school.
For me it was usually intellectual. I was always horrified by how utterly stupid all people are compared to me. My hatred of school was caused by the mental anguish I felt in being surrounded by the infantile and the brain-dead.
Only as a secondary reason was my hatred of school caused by the terror-mob of Democracy bullying me 100% of the time.
I repeat thet the sole purpose of school is to teach you thet 1) "narc" is a dirty word; i.e., they are all programmed to stay silent in the presence of evil, or even lie to cover for it; and 2) all people must be dummied down into the mindless mob of War Criminals called Democracy/majority moron rule.
I honestly learned nothing whatsoever of any actual value in public school. I will never forgive my parents for making me go. It was so horrifically damaging; and what really stokes my eternal anger and resentment is thet it was a total waste of the best years of my life, when I should have been receiving an actual education, but was instead mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually beaten down every day.
I so wish I could have those 10 years back, to study what I was interested in and thus have a successful career doing what I have been fixated on my whole life long anyway. But I was outright forbidden to learn about anything I was actually interested in: Political Theory and Geology.
I hate them all so much. It would be unethical for me to forgive. No child of mine will ever set foot in public school.
While I am on the subject ... my dad tought me to recite the alphabet backwards (I have no clue why he thought that was important). Neither of my parents ever taught me anything else. In fact they did everything in their power to destroy me.
This provoked in me my absolute fixation on maintaining anger over the purposeful withholding of education.
Tony then discusses "selective mutism" which is common for some Aspie kids. He explains thet it is usually astronomical levels of anxiety thet prevents these kids from talking; i.e., they are not refusing to talk, they are simply unable to get a word to come out because they are panicking.
I remember 1 teacher with the most steely-eyed spite say to me in an antagonistic "slap my face I dare you" snotty shudder "I hate you people!"
Then of course all schools have strobing florescent lights which made me wince all day long. I still could not hear properly, thus everything was just a roaring screechy noise. All the other "students" were making noise, talking, and moving around, which was just so overwhelming to me - even when they were not overtly attacking me personally. I flunked most subjects because I was utterly incapable of learning anything in that environment. And what the child-hating "teachers" were pretending to teach was all pointless crap anyway (while forbidding me to learn Political Theory and Geology, which I probably would have been profoundly good at). My parents never taught me anything, and intentionally withheld education, thus "justifying" them spanking me with a belt for getting bad grades - while refusing to ever acknowledge thet I consistently got an A++ in art.
Hyperlexia is a symptom of AS, which I clearly have, but was never allowed to use - for me, talking relieves stress. Being forbidden by society from talking was torturous to me, but left me with no choice but to be selectively mute.
This being attacked by Paranoid Schizophrenics at home, while being drawn out to be set up and sabotaged at school, made me so desperately lonely thet by the time I was 17 and had my very first conversation I fell in love. I fell in love with the idea thet I could actually talk to someone who would actually listen.
I was 17 before I had my first conversation. That is just so pathetic.
Of course falling in love is just an over-compensation for desperate loneliness. It was just another layer of torture (I did to myself this time). What a moron I was for having romantic notions. This is another aspect of AS - the Dreamer.
Once I got old enough to take that form of love seriously (i.e., I actually (desperately) wanted a girlfriend), it was always the same sabotaging betrayal crap, in thet the only reason girls want a boyfriend is to have something to gossip to their idiot girl friends about. I was always horrified or at least appalled thet they would do that. It was again such a startling betrayal of my trust.
I have noted that young people with AS who develop signs of social phobia are more avoidant of self-criticism than the criticism of others, and have a pathological fear of making a social mistake.
This sounds really pathetic to me. They were attacked by others so much thet their egos were devastated to the extent thet now they cannot even criticize themselves. This sounds like the typical pathetic Anarchist (a chip on their shoulder in place of an ego, and a stick up their ass in place of a spine).
I am the opposite. I developed what I thought of as Obsessive Personality Disorder in my attempt to attain absolute perfection by being ridiculously critical of my self. My ego was (typically Aries) fantastically large, thus in my obsessive perfectionism I even developed a temporary God Complex (which I was relatively entitled to).
I was more like the classic Autistic, in thet most of the time I was oblivious anyone was even there, thus when they would physically strike me I would dissociate and thus remain relatively oblivious. I hated them freely, for I had the moral authority to do so. There was an arrogance to it, not a defensiveness. There was never a time when I did not feel superior to others.
I never understood why people purposely tried to provoke me into hating them. I wanted people to like me - why didn't they want others to like them? That is just so bewildering to me. Why do they purposely provoke me into hating them?
I was not afraid of making social mistakes, for I was usually not aware society existed (no matter how hard I tried to find a niche). I was 20 when I gave up on being friends with any male, and I was 27 when I gave up on trying to acquire a girlfriend. I continued to try to be friends with women, but strictly in a platonic way.
The zine scene (in the mid-90s) convinced me thet women were not capable of being true friends, not even as pen-pals. That is when I gave up completely on ever connecting with anyone.
ALL people were sociopaths. So clearly that was proven on my first day of public school (age 6) - right up to my last day in the zine scene (age 45).
I have no social anxiety at all, concerning my own social awkwardness; I am very much aware I am socially awkward, thus explaining why I do not "go out" unless necessary. But it is not due to me being afraid someone will criticize me, for I honestly do not care what they think.
I often dream of being naked in public. For Normal people this is a terrifying dream, but for me it is the opposite. I am utterly indifferent to whether or not I have clothes on, though I am very aware thet other people are uncomfortable with my nudity. I want to put clothes on out of sympathy for them (the poor pathetic infants), not out of embarrassment in myself.
I love this saying: "Rejoice when you are attacked, for it proves they do not consider you to be one of them." I see all people as a mindless lynch-mob of egoless sheep.
Since my every experience with touch was abusive, I no longer want to be touched. Since my every experience with friendship was abusive, I no longer want friends. I have no fear of them at all. I just do not give a damn.
This is why I love kids. They are these little sponges who need to be loved. They love to be held and cuddled, and are eager to receive such, while offering little affection in return. I love them, for they allow me to express my tenderness and affection, without them backhandedly touching me in the adult Normal's brutal expressions of quote-unquote "sexuality".
Typical people are better at, and more confident about, disclosing feelings and knowing that another person may provide a more objective opinion and act as an emotional restorative. Family and friends of a typical person may be able to temporarily halt, and to a certain extent alleviate, the mood by words and gestures of reassurance and affection. They may be able to distract the person who is depressed by initiating enjoyable experiences, or using humor.
These emotional-rescue strategies are less effective for people with AS, who try to solve personal and practical problems by themselves, and for whom affection and compassion may not be as effective an emotional restorative.
When I am deeply upset, the last thing I want is someone fussing with me.
From my experience I have found thet typical people are terrified of "disclosing feelings". This explains why they all panic when I talk. All people do this compulsive pre-emptive strike of mean teasing, sarcastic joking, or at least a steady stream of anxiety-filled small-talk, to keep people (or at least me) at a "safe distance".
It is true thet Aspergers need to be alone to sort out their feelings without the irritating distraction of other people. But even if Aspies do want a hug or a sympathetic word, they do not know how to get them.
When I was working myself to death in Alaska, I felt my soul was dissipating (I was on the verge of tears from sheer physical exhaustion) by working 17 hour days with never a day off. Once every week the mail would come into the factory, and I always referred to those letters from zine pen-pals as "emotional support". It was words to read. Words alone are emotional support to me. It is irrelevant who wrote them or what they say.
Eventually these pen-pals dropped off the face of the Earth because they were never my friends in the first place.
This explains why I eventually discovered thet for me motorcycle adventure riding (alone) was the ultimate "emotional rescue strategy" for me, during which I wrote voraciously. I would always come back from those trips a changed person; i.e., I was emotionally restored only by being alone, writing.
I used to say to myself back in my early 20s: "I do not need anything good to happen - I just need the bad things to stop." This due to my ability to emotionally self-regenerate (alone) so well.
When something bad happens, the Normals always say, "There there, everything is going to be all right." This blatant lie will anger an Asperger, for they are more aware it is a lie than they are aware thet the Normal is simply trying to comfort them. Through this the Aspie learns to reject comforting, and even the people who would attempt to administer comfort. A superficial hug, or a blatant (even if "white") lie to make one "feel better" are confusing ideas to the intellectually analytical Aspie who would rather work out their feelings on their own.
Due to delayed Theory of Mind abilities, the Aspie may assume that the other person feels a reciprocal level of love, and may persistently follow around and try to talk to the other person. This can even result in accusations of stalking.
Though I do have the tendency to fall back into "assuming prior knowledge" (I still occasionally think thet because I know something that means you know it too), which could become like what Tony is describing above (because I love you that means you love me back), I have never actually been that bad with Theory of Mind about emotionally-intense issues. I would occasionally assume prior knowledge, but usually knew in advance thet no one understands me and never will. I always knew the girls I loved did not love me back; though I never did understand why, because of my bad Theory of Mind ability made it practically impossible to understand what the hell was going on with them (see what I said above about: When I lived in Chehalis, I fell in love with an emotionally 3-year-old sociopath hypocrite named Kim because I was desperate and she was there.)
Who the hell are these people! What planet is this!
I had a recording project, engineering a guy named Mark. Mark was friends with Collin and Marty, not with me, I was just his recording engineer. After we finished his recording, I dubbed off some extra copies for his friends. Since Collin and Marty lived along my route home, I told Mark I would drop off a copy to them. He was grateful for my generosity.
I got to Collin and Marty's house and gave them a copy of the tape. Being Hyperlexic, I obviously wanted to talk my head off about Mark's project, but their reaction was to exaggerate resentful sneers and tell me "You need to get some friends, Chryssie." I was a total deer in headlights.
They (in sneering resentment over how I was trying to get a piece of them) apparently thought I was trying to buy their "friendship" with this tape (!), when I thought I was just doing Mark a favor. WTF!
Anyway, this is an example of bad Theory of Mind, wherein I am unable to understand what is going on in other people's heads. To me it seems like they are all simply crazy (in this case they were resentful victims because I was trying to force them to be a abused prostitutes, bought with Mark's tape, when in my mind I was just delivering the mail!).
The education program on love and relationships needs to include an explanation of why typical people like affection and how it helps them; how to express that you like someone, and how to know when they like you; and how to achieve compromise between the level of affection enjoyed by a person with AS and the level expected by family and friends.
Of course, this type of thing is never mentioned in public school, nor do parents talk about such things with their kids. My parents were not only useless on these subjects, but horribly damaging. As a child I was terrified to get physically anywhere near my parents. In my whole life, I think I have hugged my dad maybe 3 times. And the same for my mom. And I do not recall having any physical interaction with my siblings at all, other than my 3 sisters slapping the face of my multiple while/because she screamed (I only know of this because they told me). Today I want nothing to do with them.
If one of them sits next to me on a couch, and accidentally touch me, I hate it and immediately pull away. Of course I do that with all people; but the point is, because of how horrible my family was, I have no sane reference-point on how to physically interact with people. I feel uncomfortable sitting in a chair someone else just got out of, because I can feel their body-heat in the chair. Thus, physically, I have had to make it up as I went along.
After 49 years, I have come to the conclusion thet all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes - they all like to be "man-handled", which would be painful to me. They actually get angry if I am gentle with them! (I am speaking of sex here).
When I lived in Tucson, one of my neighbors got a crush on me. She tried to seduce me with all the typically female visually-demonstrative (thus useless on me) ways. Eventually she invited herself to my house, asking if she could come over. "Come over" of course means fuck. I told her to come over the following day and I would make her dinner (me thinking this would be a romantic introduction and give us a chance to talk - words meaning everything to me). But because I did not want her pussy on the spot, she felt rejected, when I thought I was doing the correct thing to make this date happen.
She, like all women, did not want a date, she wanted a fucking. But I do not know what fucking is for. What does she want afterward? I have no way of figuring that out! That is why I must have a long conversation first, so we can both get on the same page, which women are not capable of, the blithering illiterates (they talk with their eyes, which I cannot decipher, while yacking constantly but saying nothing).
Tony writes in Australian English. This is not a real problem, but is a mild annoyance in thet I occasionally have to read sentances a few times before I understand what he means.
Tony talks about arranging a series of facial-expressions on a board to help the Aspie understand what such expressions mean. A version of this was enacted in the movie Temple Grandin, where photographs of Temple's own face were used as the models for her to learn from.
Unlike most Aspies, I am exceptionally good at recognizing facial expressions and what they mean, I just do not understand why they would feel that way (inability to empathize) in that situation.
Tony helped create The CAT-kit, which is a tool to use with Aspie kids to help them understand interpersonal relationships (see www.cat-kit.com).
Tony occasionally quotes Temple Grandin, which I strongly approve of.
Key points and strategies:
- A quantitative difference in the understanding and expressing of emotion is acknowledged in the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrome; i.e., having difficulty expressing or understanding emotions, both your own and those of others, is a symptom of AS.
It is so hard for me to recognize which of my problems with expressing emotion is caused by AS and which is caused by my horrible up-bringing. My Paranoid Schizophrenic Gemini parents, and even my siblings, were all terrified of any expression of emotion, thus I had no sane reference-point of how emotions should be normally expressed or to whom. The only one I have ever been truly open with in blatant Pragmatic Language Disorder honesty is this word processor. Thus explaining why the things from it I publish receive such vicious hate-mail from terrified weaklings. I quit the Alternative Press (Zine Scene) when I developed the attitude thet all members of it would pee their pants and cry for mommy at the mere sight of my un-opened zines. I quit in an attitude of condescending contempt.
- The emotional maturity of children with AS is usually at least 3 years behind that of their peers.
I am not aware of this. I think Aspie's ability to express themselves emotionally is retarded, due to their inability to understand social graces. Their child-like (not child-ish) impulsive expression does not suggest to me thet they are emotionally immature for their age.
The Trio-rhythm is a cycle like a roller-coaster thet flows through time. The day you were born on is recorded on the Trio-rhythm chart just as is your Astrology sign. I was born at the hight of the cycle, thus I was born an "emotional adult"; i.e., all my life I have been more emotionally mature than anyone else.
Though it may have been obvious at times thet I had a socially-retarded (not emotionally-immature) way of expressing myself, I can easily blame my parents and the vicious school system for this more readily than I could blame AS. In fact, though I was socially inappropriate for the culture I was born into at expressing my emotions, I believe even these types of expressions were actual proof of my emotional maturity.
Meanwhile, it is so easy for me to recognize how appallingly immature most people are compared to me, be they Aspie or Normal.
Aspie kids are known for being Little Professors with adult vocabularies and often the belief thet they were born adults.
- There can be a limited vocabulary used to describe emotions, and a lack of subtlety and variety in emotional expression.
I am aware I use anger to express almost anything I feel. I have a very forceful manner, even when I am happy; i.e., if I am giddy and excited in joy, I express it in a way thet makes the Normals at least uncomfortable. This spontaneous jumping up and down like an excited little kid expression of happiness is profoundly more mature than the clenched anus, stiff upper lip, superficial cool of the so-called "adults" who idealize the concept of "Just chill", and thus have an anxiety-attack when I am openly happy. I pity them for their obvious emotional immaturity.
- There is an association between AS and the development of an additional or secondary mood disorder, including depression, anxiety, and problems with anger-management, and communication of love and affection.
I recognize this in myself, in thet in my late teens and early 20s I was clinically depressed, and suffered from extreme anxiety most of my life.
As for anger, I think I am profoundly mature in my ability to express my anger in words. "Cathartic writing" is an especially mature way to confront and resolve anger issues. Also, all Aspies intellectualize their every feeling, thus making them unable to keep up with conversations with the Normals, who cycle through so many emotions so fast. Aspies may have to stop and figure out an intellectual description of why this emotion is being felt and expressed before they can feel it themselves. I have to word and re-word my every thought and feeling and then say them out loud to myself before I can keep track of what I am even feeling myself; forget reading the emotions of other people (See my The Grieving Process lecture).
- About 25% of adults with AS also have the clear clinical signs of Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder.
I am annoyed when people combine those 2 different disorders into 1 label. Obsessive Personality Disorder is when you cannot get a subject out of your head, even if it is a subject you hate it. Compulsive Behavior Disorder is when you cannot stop washing your hands 50 times a day. Obsession is your fixation on a subject. Compulsion is your fixation on an action.
I had extreme fixations, thet were almost as bad as Obsessive Personality Disorder, for many years, but I never had Compulsive Behavior Disorder.
Stop combining them both into 1 label called "Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder". They are 2 different disorders thet are (at least in my case) not related!
When an Autistic Stims, by spinning or flapping for example, this may appear to be Compulsive Behavior Disorder, but it is not. They do not do it because they cannot help it - they do it intentionally because it calms their over-stimulated state.
- 1 in 3 Aspergers will develop Clinical Depression.
- When problems with the expression of anger occur, the person with AS and their family members are very keen to reduce the frequency, intensity, and consequence of the anger.
This suggests thet the rage-attack is as disturbing to the Aspie as it is to those around them. I contain myself very well when around people; e.g., I am a superb Security Guard because no one can push my buttons (Flat Effect). But having to actually participate in a group interaction drives me to a rage (vented a half hour later while I am alone).
- A person with AS may enjoy a very brief and low-intensity expression of affection, but become confused or overwhelmed when greater levels of expression are experienced or expected.
90% of the time I want no people around me at all, and feel anxiety at the mere thought of being touched. But when I do want affection, I want it to be very tender and gentle with meaningful expression of words (you have to talk!), which apparently no one is capable of. The last time I attempted to have actual sex with someone, she said, "Do not talk to me, you are ruining it." This is the ultimate turn-off for a Hyperlexic Aspie, and absolutely the last straw for me and sex.
I definitely feel overwhelmed by "greater levels of expression" (from brutal perverts; i.e., anyone with the mental illness called X chromosome).
And when speaking of sex specifically, whoever said women want long foreplay and long afterglow was barking mad.
I love little kids because they want to be held and cuddled for 5 minutes, then they get bored and want to go do something else. Perfect.
Pornography is too concentrated and intense; it is clearly designed for people who have Addictive Personality Disorder, and meanwhile makes me wince - it is too visually overstimulating
- The primary treatment for mood disorders is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).
Here is a very brief description:
CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this is that we can change the way we think, to make ourselves feel and act better, even if the situation does not change.
- The emotional management for children and adults with AS can be conceptualized as a problem with energy management, namely an excessive amount of emotional energy and difficulty controlling and releasing the energy constructively.
All through those years of Clinical Depression, I would also almost daily have what I termed a "power surge", where if I did not get it out of me I would feel like I was going to physically explode. I found taking a scalding hot shower would exhaust my body and thus relieve me of the excess energy.
I mention this in my review of Temple Grandin's book Emergence:
Researchers believe that Autistic children have a hyper-active nervous system, and hyper-active children have a slow nervous system. Thus the Autistic child self-stimulates to calm himself, and the hyper-active child is excessively active because he is trying to stimulate an under-aroused nervous system.
I love cold weather, but also love hot-springs, especially the 2 combined; sitting neck-deep in scalding water with my hair frozen solid. These contrasting physical extremes actually calm me. I sleep so very soundly after such extreme stimulation.
My favorite thing is motorcycle adventure riding, which is very exciting, a constant physical and visual workout. Though I am Autistic, these come across as hyper-active traits. The difference is I am doing these things to calm myself, whereas hyper-active people do it to stimulate themselves; i.e., if I sit still for too long, I get mean, and want to smash things up. Temple, who was extremely hyper-sensitive, was originally violent and destructive to calm herself - then she invented her squeeze machine (which puts her into a nearly drooling relaxation).
In these scenarios parents and teacher usually try to make the Autistic "calm down" by taking away the thing thet actually calms them, thus winding them up even worse; and try to make the hyper-active child calm down, which makes them feel dead.
The Autistic feels an excess of energy, and thus Stims (sometimes violently) to relieve the energy build-up. An excellent example of this is the scene in the movie Temple Grandin where she has the melt-down and runs to the cattle squeeze machine to calm herself. She got so wound up, resulting in a "power surge" thet she knew she had to calm. The power surge was not about any specific emotion, it was simply an abnormal reaction created by the mental anguish of not being able to find the reference-point in her mind to explain what the hell was going on.
My description of this was "the office scenario", wherein I had my version of a melt-down because I could not keep track of the amount of signals going on between people in a busy office, resulting in me roaring in anger in my car on the way home. There was no specific emotion provoked by the office scenario, it just generated an excess of energy in me, I vented through my use of anger. The emotion of anger had nothing to do with it, it is just the emotion I chose to use as a tool to release the excess energy. Temple's tool is a squeeze machine. My tool is roaring.
- The strategy of the Emotional Toolbox is to identify different types of tools to fix the problems associated with negative emotions, especially anxiety, anger, and sadness.
The only thing I have to add to that is thet I do not believe there is a such thing as bad emotions, there are only bad actions. In my case, roaring anger is the tool I use to keep me calm! That sounds like an oxymoron, but it is true, and not any weirder than Temple squishing herself in a machine.
My sister-in-law has AS, and in her biography she wrote:
It is easy to bestow love onto objects rather than people because although they cannot love back they cannot rebuke either. It is a very safe form of idolization where no one can get hurt.
I am not afraid of getting hurt by people, I just got sick of it. I was able to transfer my "affections" from women, to music, to publishing, to motorcycle adventure riding, to becoming an expert on Autism, while writing-writing constantly through-out the changes.
At the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson we got onto the subject of MP3 players being our "significant others", in thet listening to specific sets of music if not alleviated at least partly compensated for the loneliness over having no love lives. The iTunes program in my computer is definitely 1 of my most prized possessions, for it conjures the emotional states I choose, or dispels the ones I am having but want to be rid of. Also it is the only thing I can use as background sound to block out unwanted noise; what genre of music it is is irrelevant in that scenario, as long as it is songs I chose myself.
This reiterates what I said before about me not needing any good things to happen, I just need the bad ones to stop; i.e., I (and any Aspie) am profoundly good at self-re-generating. In fact having people around trying to comfort me is extremely irritating.
Tony quotes from many Aspie's biographies, interjecting as many perspectives as possible. I applaud him for this, for my own zines are famous for incorporating multiple, often intentionally contradictory points of view to get people to think, rather than tell them what to think.
The Aspie can accumulate an encyclopedic knowledge of facts. "Facts are important to us because they secure us in what is otherwise a very unstable world. Hard cold facts give comfort and security." But the facts can be eccentric, such as registration numbers of all the radio transmitters in a country.
The fixated subject can also change over time. When I transfer my "affections" from 1 subject to another, it does not really matter what that subject is. Though my list mentioned above are all things I truly loved, it could just as well have been fixations on toilet design or vacuum cleaners.
It is not at all like hoarding information out of paranoia. To be afraid of the outside world, we would have to acknowledge it's existence, which is not very likely for an Autistic. The encyclopedic collection of knowledge has nothing to do with the outside world. It is something we enjoy for it's own sake.
The child's encyclopedic knowledge can become quite remarkable and he can be perceived as a Little Professor, eager to read about the interest, ask adults questions related to the interest, and instruct peers about the interest (in a manner resembling a teacher). There is the impression thet the child is a genius, but the teachers note that though the child's attention-span and attention to detail are quite impressive when engaged in the special interest, the same degree of motivation, attention, and ability are conspicuously absent when the child is engaged in other classroom activities, especially those that would be of interest to his peers [reiterating my point thet the outside world has nothing to do with it - leading to (at least in my case) the inability to feel paranoid, which in turn results in the gullibly-trusting social deer in headlights].
An adult with an intense interest in literature can lead to reading popular psychology books that provide practical and much-needed advice on relationships. Liane Holliday Willey, who has AS, and whose academic career has been based upon her love of language, has found that by reading books on normal child development she has been better able to understand her own children. When presented with a problem, Aspies seek knowledge when their own intuition is unreliable [whereas the Normals all Democratically dummy-down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule, wherein they say "Do not bother me with the facts, my mind is made up" (for them by the sheep herd who's mass-delusion they mindlessly follow); i.e., the Normals use their intuition to decipher what other people think of them, rather than seek out "comforting cold hard facts" to give them an intellectual reference-point based on reality.].
One of my clients is a very successful musician. He is an extremely nervous and shy person. During his high-school years he would return home from school, mentally exhausted and agitated, and would retreat to his bedroom and listen to music. His special interest became the music of a specific year, before he was born. Listening to music was his form of relaxation, but he also developed the ability to express his thought and feelings in the creation of original music that was more eloquent and effective than his ability to communicate using conversational speech. With the formation of his band, his songs became very popular and he toured the world. I asked him how, as such a shy person, he coped with performing in front of tens of thousands of people. He said, "My music protects me." But when the music stops, he has to exit the stage as fast as he can.
In Indigo #4 I quoted David Byrne:
"When I began making music professionally, I was an extremely shy person, very socially inhibited. I had Aspergers."
He used music as a tool to outgrow the affliction. "I thought of it [music] really like a hammer or a pair of pliers."
Note: I have no idea if David Byrne is the client Tony is talking about, but you see this same story told over and over in the music business. Specifically with Ladyhawke and Gary Numan, both of whom have Aspergers, are socially very awkward, but very successful with their music.
I also suspect Bjork and Suzanne Vega have Aspergers, as does Stephen Stills. Stephen said, "I am sure there is a genetic predisposition. As I observe these kids [such as his own, who is Autistic], I recognize a lot of myself from my own behavior, and the kind of things thet made me a musician who puts a guitar between me and the rest of the world."
Another Aspie said, "When I feel tangled and tense, I get out my history of architecture and design books and set my eyes on the kinds of spaces and arenas that make sense to me. When I feel blighted by too many pragmatic mistakes and missed communications, I find my home-design software programs and set about building a perfect-sense home."
All through my late 30s and early 40s I spent every night laying in bed waiting to fall asleep designing houses, motorcycles, and drum sets. It is all about parts of things, their careful integration and arrangement. It settles my brain into relative order, thus allowing me to sleep. If I did not do that, my mind would race in Attention Deficit for hours, going nowhere, leaving me to pound my skull and yell "Shut up! Shut up! I want to go to sleep!"
See Autistic Jessica Park's detailed geometric paintings which she apparently creates as a Stim (www.JessicaPark.com).
Those with AS have a natural ability to determine the function of objects, and an innate interest in what physically influences life.
Aspies often say how the special interest dominates their thinking and how difficult it is to stop part-way through the thought or activity and to do something else. Once the person has started, there is a compulsion for completion. They cannot be interrupted or distracted, or close the thought before the natural conclusion.
Then you take it a step further, and have difficulty recognizing when the job is finished, resulting in obsessively beating everything into the ground. This also manifests as the typically Autistic inability to multi-task; 1 thing must be finished before another can be started.
A work portfolio of examples of their abilities and knowledge can compensate for their difficulties with the social skills required in a job-interview. The problem with that is thet most people are illiterate, and thus unable to read my resume, or intimidated by my writing style.
A professor with AS wrote to me saying: "The best thing about academia is that we get paid to talk about our favorite topic, and students take notes and feed back our words of wisdom at exams."
The Aspie seems to have a different time perception when talking about their special interest, and needs to become aware of how long the monologue has dominated the conversation. As previously noted, Time goes quickly when one is having fun.
When I am talking to someone I cane sometimes become pure words and do not even see them.
The Aspie's fixated subject may include collecting as many different examples of that thing as possible. I am not really a collector (of anything other than information), but I do love architecture, drums, and motorcycles. But I never want just 1 of any of those things. If I was independently wealthy (money was no object), I would have probably 4 houses, each in a different State, and each completely different from the other. In each of those houses I would have a very nice recording studio, each completely different from the other, and each containing everything for each of 4 incarnations of my dream band. Each studio would have entirely different arrangements of instruments - me being a drummer, I am especially keen on designing each of these perfect drums sets, each 1 completely different from the others.
I would also have at least 4 motorcycles, each completely different from the others.
Today I cannot afford these things, but I still like to collect music. There is good music, and there is bad music - I like the good music; i.e., there is no specific genre I prefer, I like collecting as many different examples of good music as I can.
I really doubt Terri Bozzio has AS, but he does have a mind-boggling drum set. In his case, he is not collecting as many examples of drum sets as he can, he just has everything but the kitchen sink in 1 massive drum set. Google "Terry Bozzio's drum set", and gasp (11 pedals for his left foot - 7 for his right). I feel giddy looking at all those parts of things (me being a drummer is not the point).
Anyway, it has nothing to do with amassing material possessions! My house has burned down 4 times, thus teaching me to place no value on anything thet can burn. Also, I would not be competing with anyone, I would only have what I want for me (and my creative endeavors). I would probably only have my 1 current car, and live a simple life (being unable to multi-task, it would have to be).
For me my main fixated subject was Political Theory, but I did not even have books on the subject thet I collected. I just made it up!
Tony quotes Hans Asperger himself:
"It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of Autism is essential. For success, the necessary ingredient may be an ability to turn away from the everyday world, from the simply practical, and ability to re-think a subject with originality so as to create in new untrodden ways, with all abilities canalized into one speciality."
Again Tony justifiably bashes the DSM-IV: The accompanying text to the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-IV refers to the way in which the language may be abnormal in terms of the individual's preoccupation with certain topics, verbosity, and failure to appreciate and utilize conventional rules of conversation, and the fact that the child may have a vocabulary that would be typical of an adult. Unfortunately, these characteristics are not included in the DSM-IV criteria! In my opinion, unusual language abilities are an essential characteristic of AS and should be included in future revisions of the DSM.
Formal assessment, using tests such as the Clinical Evaluation of Language Fundamentals IV, can indicate problems with receptive language abilities, especially specific aspects of language comprehension such as understanding figures of speech and the interpretation, recall, and execution of increasingly complex oral directions.
This may explain a problem that is often reported by parents and teachers, namely that an AS child can say quite complex sentances, but is confused when adults ask them to complete a sequence of requests that should be understood by a typical child of the same age; i.e., their tendency to use complex sentances does not mean they can understand complex instructions.
Here is a brief description of the above-mentioned test:
The CELF-4 is an individually administered language test that evaluates a student’s general language ability and determines if a language disorder is present. If a language disorder is identified, further in-depth testing provides information about the nature of the disorder, language strengths and weaknesses, language content, and language modalities.
One of the interesting language abilities of Aspies is that they may have difficulty explaining a significant emotional event by talking about it in a face-to-face conversation, yet show eloquence and insight expressing their inner thoughts and emotions by typing in a diary on a computer.
This is me totally. I have often said thet I am an excellent writer but a terrible speaker. I only succeeded at reciting 3 poems at a poetry reading because I had practiced reading them over and over for weeks before the performance (whereas it only took me 3 hours to write them).
Otherwise, I am a literary genius (who detests talking to people). I can however talk to myself with tremendous eloquence, because in my Echolalia I cannot help but repeat what I have said over and over, polishing it to perfection.
The child can sometimes speak like a Little Professor and entrance someone with a well-rehearsed monologue on a favorite topic. However, when this characteristic occurs in an adolescent it can be a contributing factor for social exclusion; i.e., what gets them admiration as a (Little Professor) small child, gets them irritated rejection as a (know-it-all) teenager.
There can be a natural curiosity about the physical world and how things work, and a tendency to ask intelligent questions and provide fascinating facts. I enjoy the intellectual exchange of information when engaged in a conversation with Aspies, and have found that such individuals whose knowledge exceeds mine can be remarkably patient in explaining particular concepts - very important when assisting me with a computer problem, or preventing me from having an emotional meltdown.
When your Autistic kid is tantrumming, spinning, and flapping, they are demonstrating how "the master" deals with stress. It is the Normals who keep a clenching anus and stiff upper lip, deluding themselves they are "oh-so mature", then 1 day flip out and kill their co-workers. No Autistic had road-rage. It is the rest of you inferiors-I-mean-Normals who do that.
The child's articulation can be age-appropriate but can be unusual in being almost over-precise. The word may be pronounced as it is written rather than how it is spoken (pronouncing "iron" the way it is spelled); i.e., they learn language by reading, not listening. There may be stress on specific syllables that changes the expected pronunciation. Meanwhile young Aspies may pronounce the word with the accent of the person from whom they first heard it. This explains the tendency for some young Aspies in the UK or Australia to speak with an American accent. Their vocabulary and pronunciation was developed by watching American TV shows rather than talking to local people, and especially by watching cartoons or Hollywood movies thet use American actors. This can be quite conspicuous when family members have a local accent, but the Aspie child talks as though they are a foreigner.
In my case, my pronunciation of words will change to adopt the accent of whomever I am with. I used to live in a Russian neighborhood, and thus people often asked me what my accent was. It was Russian, though I was not aware I had picked it up.
One of my favorite Aspies is Bjork, she has homes in Spain, England, and Iceland. In all of her interviews she speaks English, but if she is being interviewed in Spain she has a Spanish accent, if she is interviewed in England she has an English accent, and if she is interviewed in Iceland she has an Icelandic accent. As an Aspie myself, I find that very entertaining.
Watching actors like Kate Winslet, who is English, play an American character, speaking with a perfect American accent; watching Claire Danes play Temple Grandin, and speaking with Temple's accent, is so interesting to me. These professional actors use voice-coaches to practice acquiring the accent of the character they are playing.
It is fascinating to me thet some Aspie kids will learn the word for the first time from someone who pronounces it a specific way, and thus pronounce it that way their whole life long, even if their own family and community never pronounce it that way.
I definitely have an Oregon accent, but when I say the word "Idaho" I intentionally pronounce it with an Idaho accent, because that is how it is pronounced!
Sometimes the sound or meaning of a particular word provokes great laughter or giggling in the Aspie child. They may repeatedly say the word aloud and laugh, with no intention of sharing the enjoyment or explaining why it is so fascinating or funny. The humor is idiosyncratic to the child, and can be very puzzling to a teacher or parent.
As I said above, it irritates me greatly when someone wants in on the joke I am laughing to myself about.
This ability to provide a novel perspective on language is fascinating, and one of the endearing and genuinely creative aspects of AS. This "lateral thinking" that produces such novel words, phrases, and descriptions should be encouraged and incorporated into their own writing.
I used to often use the term "upon occasion" to mean "once in a while" or "every so often". It seems obvious to me, but so many people were unable to understand what the (to them) apparent single word "uponnoccasion" meant. They were constantly asking me what I meant by that, and dozens of other terms I regularly use, such as "i.e.".
JABBERWOCKY
by Lewis Carroll
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand
Long time the manxome foe he sought
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Do you have to wonder if Lewis was an Asperger?
As a kid I took the words Frabjous and transposed it into Frubius, which meant (to me) giddily delightful.
Here is one of my experimental pieces from Leech Map #14:
It has no meaning, again.
Beguile embody suffer partake subsist propose.
There, as a place, does not exist.
Though exists community upkeep fresh these days.
In comparison to bluff encompass taste indulge,
ebb shall parish in the Inn,
And chronicle annals concerning irrelevant humanity.
This and there, as places, do not exist.
Agent resources par, propose frequency,
and comprise new taste indulge.
To not subsist repeated cycle in new format.
This does not exist, again.
Though does their prime initial stint this cycle.
Hence construe no rationale why objects once again subsist inept.
Blithers defenseless alarmed milksop.
Do you have to wonder if Chryssie is an Asperger?
Also see non-verbal Peyton Goddard's blog wherein her every sentance is written like that. http://www.peytongoddard.com
Although there can be positive qualities in the profile of linguistic skills, there are specific difficulties. The most conspicuous is the inability to modify language according to social context.
This is called Pragmatic Language Disorder, which I definitely have. Though I am glad to say I have become more aware of it over these last few years (since discovering my diagnosis, from which I learned what I was doing wrong) thus gaining the ability to (at least somewhat) edit and re-write what I am about to say before I say it.
The GF/CF Diet has alleviated (at least to some extent) my anxious impulsiveness, which also helps keep my overt use of language (tactlessness) in check.
Conversation with an Aspie can include moments when there appears to be a breakdown in the communication transmission. The person is in deep thought, deciding what to say, and to ensure total concentration, avoids looking at the face of the other person. Unfortunately the loss of conversational momentum and eye-contact can be confusing to the other person, who expects an immediate response and is unsure whether to interrupt the Aspie to re-establish the dialog. I usually wait patiently, knowing that Aspies prefer not to be interrupted, as an interruption can cause them to have to start the whole thinking process again.
This is so very me.
For literary genius me to deliver a perfect sentance, I have to stop several times during the conversation to find the words I want to use. So in the middle of a sentance I will stop and have to search the files in my mind for the correct word (as my mouth drops open and my eyes glaze over - at least from the perspective of the Normal I am "talking to"), thus resulting in them losing the cadence of the conversation; to me, it is they who lost the cadence, not me. Thus they are at least confused, or think I just abruptly ended the conversation for no apparent reason, and so they interrupt me (!) and try to re-start it, which makes me clench my fist and yell, "Do not interrupt me when I am talking!", which to them is absurd because I was not talking at all; or worse yet (which also infuriates me) they throw up their hands and very rudely walk away, apparently dismissing me as a moron (when the facts are I am profoundly more literate than they are, and thus I respect words more than they do, and that is why I must stop and find the perfect words, rather than just blither like the illiterate morons they are).
When I try to talk to anyone, they are unable to "catch the beat"/recognize the cadence with which I talk. And become so annoyed with me they walk away, or even assume I am a Retard.
When I was about 20 I had a job at a machine-shop, wherein I was referred to as "that dumb guy" because I could not carry on conversations at the pace the Normals expected. After I got home (alone) "that dumb guy" was composing incredible stop-anapestic music and writing amazing lyrics.
Then we take into consideration the fact the average person is functionally illiterate (at least compared to me), thus what part of my speech they do hear they are unable to interpret - like that horribly confusing word "uponnoccasion" - "You speak a different language than the rest of us."
When I was on a motorcycle adventure ride, I talked for a while with some people, and they asked me, since I was taking an 80-day trip, "What do you do for attire?" I thus described exactly what clothing I brought with me, and why. They again asked, "I mean attire." I elaborated with more detail about my rain-gear and ATTGAT (All The Gear All The Time; i.e., the body-armor one wears while riding adventure style). They looked both frustrated and confused as to why I could not answer their question. Then it occurred to me they were asking about a spare tire! A Tire, not Attire. Oh! Now I get it. So I said I only drive on tube tires, thus if I get a flat I can just change the tube, which I always carry spares of. At last we had understanding.
I became very annoyed with a Buell sales-person once. She was flirting with me constantly, and being an Aspie I was not able to tell if it was part of her "salesmanship" or if she actually liked me, not thet I was interested, it just confused me.
Anyway, I took 20 minutes to examine every detail of the Buell, then she came up and tried to communicate with me, but she kept interrupting me, finishing my sentances for me (incorrectly), or re-wording her questions while I was mid-answer, she believing I had not understood what she meant, when I was just talking the way I do (stopping in the middle of sentances to search the files for the perfect word). My nearly every sentance is paused by a semi-colon, followed by "thus", or "i.e.", and further elaboration. The Normal just wants the final half; i.e., the actual answer, not the elaborate explanation of why this is the answer. I became so annoyed with her, I just threw up my hands and left, ranting in my car about "typical brainless illiterate females!"
Meanwhile I managed to fall in love 7 times with absolute nothings because they were (what I misinterpreted at the time as) "good listeners". I want communication so much thet I actually fall in love with a good interchange of words (not the person using them).
At the useless and irritating Adult Asperger Association, I was constantly shut up by the facilitator, the abusive co-addict Dr Nicholls, because she was very intimidated by the fact I knew more about AS than she did. Every time I went there I stuttered and exaggerated in my frantic attempt to get a word in before I was abusively cut off by her, or blurted over the top of by the Tourette people. It was so tension-building and just infuriating.
Another characteristic of some Aspies is to vocalize their thoughts, commenting on their own actions and feelings, or giving monologues without needing a listener. By the time they start school they have learned to keep their thoughts to themselves. At a certain age, talking to one's self is considered a sign of mental disturbance. This often disrupts the attention of other children in class, and may lead to being teased. They may also fail to hear the instructions of their teachers because they are too engrossed in a personal "conversation".
This is so me. If I am reading a book or talking to myself, I am oblivious to what is going on around me, to such extent thet it makes me very angry if I am interrupted. This is also where Selective Listening comes from. If someone is talking directly to me, but are boring, my Attention Deficit wanders, and I start to talk to myself. They see my lips moving and realize I am not hearing a word they say. If they then stop talking, I unconsciously Selectively Listen, thus if they start talking again, I honestly do not hear them.
There may be several reasons for this behavior. First, the child may be less influenced by peers to be quiet, or less concerned at appearing different; I would have to acknowledge your existence in order to care about either of those things. In school I was careful to stay silent to prevent the terrified lynch-mob of egoless War Criminals from attacking me, but as I get older I talk aloud to myself more and more. It is partly due to my utter dismissal of the people around me; i.e., I am consciously aware thet others notice me wording my every thought and feeling to myself out loud, but I do not give a damn what they think - and I want them to know that to some extent (see what I said above about dreaming of being naked and not giving a damn what others think of me). My talking out loud to myself in public is partly an expression of my condescension toward others, the blithering illiterates who cannot put their own thoughts and feelings into words like I do.
The vocalization may also have a constructive purpose or be reassuring. Being Hyperlexic, nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words, thus I must put my every thought and feeling into words, then say them out loud so I can hear them. Only then do I have understanding (even of myself); i.e., most of the time the pointless coincidence of other people's existence, and their noting thet I am talking to myself, is utterly irrelevant. I am so much in my own world thet most of the time I do not notice them at all - but when I do, it is like I said in the paragraph above - fuck off!
An adolescent with AS described how "talking to myself helps me figure out and practice how to express ideas well." I call this Echolalia, wherein I feel compelled (in fact I truly cannot help it) to repeat what I said myself in a just-ended conversation. I am re-wording it to myself over and over, polishing the sentance-structure into perfection. I end up with the finished product becoming my memory of the conversation, rather than what actually happened, which had probably been relatively awkward - further demonstrating how I am an excellent writer, but a horrible speaker.
Once I have re-worded it to perfection, I never go to the other person and tell them, "What I should have said was ...", for why should I care if they understood me or not? To me, they were not part of the original conversation anyway, only the words were. This is reiterated in my occasionally falling in love with girls because we (or at least I) had a good conversation.
This particular part of this subject reminds me of people who have phone-sex. They are so attracted to word usage thet they can cum to it, no matter who is on the line.
I wonder if most phone-sex consumers are actually Aspergers. Personally, I think that is pathetic. But I masturbate to a fantasy of a woman who likes being talked to during sex. If she does not like being told how yummy she is, she can literally go fuck herself. "Do not talk to me, you are ruining it" is the most repulsive thing a woman can say to me during sex.
I judge people instantly on whether they interrupt me or not. Within the first 5 minutes I either like someone or dismiss them completely based on how good of a listener they are.
This is also 1 of the many reasons I hated the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson. The perpetual state of soulless terror facilitator Dr Nichols was in made it so she would not let me talk because she was terrified I would show her up. "I am the foremost expert on Asperger's Syndrome" she would say with her eyes closed and her head swaggering in snooty self-righteousness. She would become very angry if anyone who actually had Asperger Syndrome tried to talk about it.
You are all so utterly dismissed.
Another reason may be that the Aspie is rehearsing possible conversations for the following day, or repeating previous conversations to try to understand them.
Usually I dismiss what the other person had said in the conversation. When Echolalically repeating it to myself, I only speak the things I had said myself. The other person's responses are recalled more as emotional ideas rather than words; I do repeat them to help me understand what just happened with that conversation. I always understand the words (better than anyone else) but usually miss the underlying point of the conversation, or what else was being said with their eyes, which of course was usually overwhelming to me at the time, resulting in my gaze-aversion. Thus I had not seen their eyes while we were having the actual conversation.
At this one site I am was Security Guard for, there is this teen-age girl, Pamela, who talks a lot. She talks so much thet it drives the male manager, Adrian, crazy. By the end of the night, she (Queen Bee) is very perky and happy because of all the interaction thet went on - mostly between her and Laura. But because she was just yacking small-talk, Adrian wants to strangle her. By the end of the night, after she goes home, he turns to me and says, "God, I wish she would just shut up." I say, "Well, she is honest." He looks at me as if to say, "So what!" And I say, "She is never bull-shitting you. She is always telling the truth." He nods his acknowledgment thet he does in fact trust her (which does not make her any less annoying). So I say, "I trust her more than I trust Eileen." To which he gets this look on his face of "Whew! You sure said a mouth full." Eileen is very superficial, and keeps up this very loud and whiny yelling. She thinks it is funny to whine loudly. It is done in a teasing way, but is so superficial and just irritating. When she does this I wince notably, and go do a foot-patrol around the outside of the building. Whereas I learn a lot about eye-signals by "listening" to Pamela. She is not saying anything much worth hearing in words, but her eyes are so very expressive - that is obviously where the communication between her and Laura is happening.
Pamela is so very Neurotypical. I wish I could stare at her eyes from 2 feet away all day long. I would learn so much. She communicates with her eyes notably more than most people. She should be an actor, for her facial expressions (especially her eyes) are so honest and telling. She would also make a good teacher for Autistic kids - showing them how to read facial expressions and how people communicate with their eyes. But being a typical vain Mexican she thinks I am just staring at her looks. Duuuh.
Later she came back to talk to Laura, and as the two of them were yacking their heads off while saying nothing specific, I went around to the side to see the profile of both of them so I could watch their eyes. In the middle of their conversation, Adrian interrupted and teasingly said to Pamela, "You seem so familiar. You look like that really dumb bitch who works here." To which Pamela said, "Fuck you", brushing him off with a flick of her wrist, and did not miss a beat in her conversation with Laura. But as she kept talking to Laura, her eyes were obviously signaling to Adrian. I was fascinated by this (having 2 conversations at once), for I have no clue how to do any of it and probably never will.
Sometimes Aspies who are prone to anxiety talk to themselves as a form of self-comfort and reassurance. They are externalizing the reassuring comments that typical people keep to themselves.
For me, talking to myself (occasionally even roaring in intentionally-forced anger), is done for the sake of putting it into words so I can understand it, venting anxiety and frustration, or simply having someone (me) to talk to.
One of the guards at the company I work for is a raging Aspie. He talks out loud as a Stim to calm his overwhelming anxiety. He yacks his head off constantly, in a frantic desperation to say as many words as he can. He is not hearing anyone else, and Attention Deficits all over the place, making it impossible to listen to him even if you wanted to. He is the most annoying person in the world, but I understand him perfectly.
It is important to find out why the person talks to themself. It could simply be a developmental delay, or a means of organizing their thoughts, improving comprehension, or providing comfort.
I have noticed that when some adult Aspies are deep in thought, their lips move as though they have difficulty disengaging mind and mouth.
I have to put it into words before I can understand it, thus I must talk, and not just to myself in my head, but out loud, articulating each word. If my mouth slurs or mumbles a word, then my mind "hears it" as a mumble. At the very least my lips must move; I do not have difficulty disengaging mind and mouth, I am intentionally engaging mind with mouth.
I think this is why when I recall past conversations I repeat in Echolalia, my recall of what the other person said is just an emotional idea, rather than words; I did not put their words into words myself and speak them out loud, thus they are not remembered (at least not as words).
The Aspie may not follow the conventional conversational rules regarding how to initiate, maintain, and end a conversation. They may start the interaction with a comment irrelevant to the situation, or by breaking social or cultural codes. For example, a young Aspie child may approach a total stranger in the supermarket and "strike up a conversation" by saying, "Do you have a cylinder mower?", and then proceed to give a monologue demonstrating their encyclopedic knowledge of garden machinery. Once the "conversation" has begun, there seems to be no off-switch.
Many Aspies consider conversation to be primarily an opportunity to exchange information, to learn or inform, and if there is no practical information to exchange, why waste time talking? Resulting in the classic Asperger symptom of "irritated by small-talk". I give a lecture while you listen, then you give a lecture while I listen. And both lectures have to be educational! I understand perfectly why Adrian wants to strangle Pamela.
When the conversational partner is confused, the Aspie often lacks the mental flexibility to provide an explanation using other words, or to facilitate understanding by using gestures or metaphor.
This is definitely not me, I constantly use "thus" and "i.e.". In fact (at least in print) I usually beat my ideas into the ground, and then have to go back and re-write everything to edit out the redundancy. If I think of 4 different ways of saying the same thing, I write out all 4 of them before I realize I have already made my point 3 times. Aspie Bjork also does this in interviews - beating her every idea into the ground until the irritated interviewer cuts her off.
Another unusual feature of Aspie conversation is a tendency to make what appears to be irrelevant comments. A statement or question can be made that is not obviously linked to the topic of conversation. These utterances can be word-associations, fragments of the dialog of previous conversations about the same subject, some seemingly quite bizarre.
As demonstrated wherein I used the word "rehearse" which reminded me of the word "hearse" which is associated with funerals, thus the word "rehearse" means to plan a funeral. None of those things had anything to do with the subject the sentance containing the word "rehearse" was about. But my mind branched off into it mid-sentance. This is what Tony refers to as "lateral thinking", and is classic AS.
An adult Aspie may be able to engage in conversation about practical matters, but have considerable difficulty with social chit-chat or the language of courtship.
When I first read that sentance I went blank. I have no idea what "the language of courtship" is.
Gary Numan said if he were not in a band he probaly would have never had a girlfriend in his life, because "I have no chat with women." He only expressed himself through his music (see my review of Gary Numan. Android in La La Land.).
Guidance and role-playing activities can be used to identify the cues for when to start talking, such as the natural closure of a topic or conversational paragraph, or when someone gives eye-contact that communicates "your turn to speak".
I was also not aware these things existed. "Natural closure of a topic"? A conversational paragraph?, as opposed to the end of a chapter. I had no idea there was such a thing.
This review is written by a self-narrating zoo exhibit giving a lecture. I do not know how to communicate any other way.
The Aspie tends to make literal interpretation of what the other person says, being greatly confused by idioms, irony, figures of speech, innuendo, and sarcasm.
An example of literal interpretation was when a young man was asked by his father to make a pot of tea. Some time later his father was concerned that he had not received his refreshment, and so he asked, "Where is the tea?". His son replied, "In the pot, of course." He was unaware that the original request implied not just the preparation of the tea, but the presentation of a cup of tea for each person present.
During a diagnostic assessment I asked a young Aspie girl if she could count to 10. She replied, "Yes", and silently continued her play.
I used to be like that very much. As I got older I learned to get the hint, but I still need people to spell it out for me most of the time. Note thet I use the terms "get the hint" and "spell it out" as figures of speech I fully understand. This is due to me being a writer.
The Normals' abbreviating their every remark (as demonstrated in the tea story) adds to my irritation about "the purposeful withholding of education". I feel like they are intentionally trying to keep me ignorant, while to me they are simply illiterate. Recall in Indigo #5 the Office Scenario wherein Pete had to ask me 3 times before he finally got it into English? Aspies are practically incapable of reading into it what was not actually said.
I am tremendously more irritated by the Normals when they read into it something I did not say. When my every sentance is followed by them thinking, "What you really mean is..." I just want to punch them in the head.
Some severely Autistic kids, when told to wipe off their mouth, go into shrieking terror at the thought of their mouths literally being wiped off! They imagine bones crunching and blood spurting.
As a Security Guard I sometimes had to drive Patrol. This includes a lot of interaction with dispatch over the radio, most of which is spoken in 10-code. I hate this so much. Why don't these illiterates learn how to speak English? I refuse to learn the 10-code, and actually speak in English. To my surprise this resulted in 1 of the dispatchers remarking thet I was the one who was "always so professional on the radio". This is due to the necessity of me having to stop and write out in my head what 10-8 means before I say it.
When Listening to the speech of an Aspie you become aware of unusual aspects of pitch, stress, and rhythm; i.e., prosody or melody of speech. [Tony used "i.e." in a sentance. I love that!] There can be a lack of vocal modulation such that speech has a monotonous or flat quality, and unusual stress patterns, or over-precise diction with stress on almost every syllable.
Meanwhile the speech of Aspies can be perceived as being pedantic, overly formal, and pretentious. The characteristics include: providing too much information, an emphasis on rules and minor details, a tendency to correct previous utterances of the other person, the use of overly formal sentance structure, and making rigid interpretation of what someone says.
Angelica said I "always say too much". She said this with an irritated, almost resentful look on her face. I have no clue why.
When I first started this new job, I was given a written multiple-choice test. There were so many typos thet I felt very irritated with it. Thus I noted with a hi-lighter pen (which I always carry with me in my fannypack - nerd thet I am) all the typos. When I handed in the test, the instructor asked what all the hi-lighted marks were. I told her those were typos thet needed to be fixed. She got the most sneery resentful look on her face. My response was to feel, "You stupid, toothless, inbred, southern, white-trash, illiterate, hick!" Accent on the "illiterate".
When I spoon-feed morons or beat idiots over the head, they should appreciate me for it, for I am trying to help them come up to my level. I feel spiteful when they slap my hand every time I offer them my gift of enlightenment.
I almost laugh as I write that, for I know how absurdly pompous it sounds. I just cannot help but have that reaction to illiterates; i.e., any person who uses language differently than I do.
An Aspie teenager was helping his father as an after-hours cleaner, and was asked to empty all the bins. A while later the father was annoyed to find several of the bins had obviously not been emptied. When asked why, the Aspie replied, "Those are not bins, they are wicker baskets." He had not been asked to take out the garbages. He was asked only to empty the bins, which is exactly what he did. When instructing an Aspie, you must spell it all out!
The characteristic of being pedantic can sometimes be perceived as offensive, as in the example of my conversation with a young man in the USA who was fascinated with the potential maximum speeds of different makes of vehicles, and the speed limits in various countries. I live in Australia, and the conversation progressed quite amiably until I mentioned the value of low speed in conserving petrol. The young Aspie suddenly became agitated, protesting vehemently that "The word is gasoline, not petrol!"
I get a kick out of that story. How many times have I re-beaten into the ground how irritated I get when someone used the word TILL when they mean UNTIL? They are using the wrong word! and it makes me feel "agitated" and "vehement". I am old enough to know better than to mention it out loud, but when I am writing I keep going back to that subject (of the word "till"), because it is just wrong.
P.S. I am an American and I use the word Petrol sometimes, but I (like most Americans) usually call it Gas. I also cross my Sevens like Europeans do; they just look incomplete without it.
I dismiss anything anyone says if they are too vague. Saying it will happen "soon", or "maybe", or "I think so", gets the person immediately dismissed. If you cannot give it to me straight, then I am not hearing you. This too is typical of Aspies.
Tony says teaching kids to talk with their eyes is like teaching a foreign language, which is not a problem if you start them on it at a young age. I am 49 and just now realizing thet if I could watch Pamela from 2 feet away all day it would teach me so much.
I hate my utterly horrid parents. They always had hateful and spiteful looks in their eyes, or their eyes always looking in at their Paranoid Delusions, making it painful for any Normal kid to look at them, forget it for an Autistic who cannot handle looking at eyes in the first place.
75% of Aspies have Attention Deficit Disorder. I definitely do.
A problem with Working Memory is the tendency to forget a thought quickly. One reason Aspie kids are notorious for interrupting conversations is that they know they will forget what they wanted to say if they do not say it right now.
I have learned to take notes, both mentally and on paper, during conversations to avoid the utter frustration of getting lost in conversations. Or I Echolalically repeat the conversation to myself, and for several minutes later say what I should have said earlier.
At the horrible Adult Asperger Association in Tucson, I would leave each meeting very angry thet I did not get to talk as much as I needed to. I would go home a write voraciously for 3 days about all the things I wanted to say but had not been allowed to.
The Aspie child may prefer to use their own idiosyncratic approach to problem-solving, which I describe as "Sinatra Syndrome". Adult Aspies may be famous (or notorious) for being iconoclasts and rejecting popular beliefs and conventional wisdom. See my hatred of Democracy as a prime example. I also use Zen, Tao, Sufism, and Scientology as problem-solving strategies. Only an Aspie would study all of these things and mix them together as the ultimate problem-solving elixir, totally different from (and thus superior to) the conventional.
The learning profile of children and adults with AS can include a tendency to focus on errors, a need to fix an irregularity, and a desire to be a perfectionist. See me correcting the typos on a test before I even had the job. The avoidance of errors can mean that Aspies prefer accuracy rather than speed. If it is a job where "time is money" I flat-out will not do it. I have yelled often, in arrogance, thet if you want it done perfectly you have me do it, but if you want it done fast, do it yourself!
Creative adult Aspies such as composers, engineers, and architects often cannot cope with any deviation from their original design. I love hearing other people's versions of songs I wrote. But when I play my own songs live, they have to be played exactly the same every time, no improvising.
"He is like a puppy learning to stay. Every ounce of concentration is wrapped up in just being in the classroom, in staying put when his instincts are telling him to run away. There is nothing left in him for academics." See the movie Temple Grandin wherein Temple reads French in class (disasterously).
A major cause of anguish for Aspie kids is homework. There may be 2 explanations; the degree of stress and mental exhaustion during their day at school, and their profile of cognitive skills.
Normal children do not have to learn social-integration skills consciously, but Aspies have to decipher the social cues and codes and cognitively determine what to do and say. Their primary feedback is criticism for errors, with little recognition when they make the correct response. Thus Aspie kids have to concentrate on an extra (minefield) curriculum that leaves them intellectually and emotionally exhausted by the end of the school day. Aspie kids often explain that they want a clear division between home and school.
I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever in public school. It was 100% a total waste of time. I flat refused to even acknowledge homework assignments.
Having advanced intellectual maturity can be associated with a relatively-high level of moral development and ideals. The young Aspie then becomes extremely distressed in situations of injustice [such as racism, resulting in my continual use of the word "Nigger" to refer to racists!], and express concern about the effects of natural disasters on people. There can also be high ideals regarding fairness, affecting interactions and games with peers.
I could masturbate onto several pages here proving how ethically superior I am, but I will just say this: I have published 77 zines, from which the Zine Scene came to recognize me as, and I quote, "a radical soldier concerning human rights issues". You should read those zines - and then change to suit my Utopian Vision.
Also, I refuse to play games with anyone because they always cheat, and like I said above, the first thing you are taught in public school is thet "narc" is a dirty word. This I found very disturbing.
Children with AS can have difficulty knowing where their body is in space, which may often cause them to trip, bump into objects, and spill drinks. When catching a ball with 2 hands, the arm movements are often poorly coordinated and also affected by problems with timing. When throwing a ball they will often not look in the direction of the target before throwing, thus affecting their accuracy.
In my review of the book The Boy Who Loved Windows it said:
A tactilely hypo-sensitive child might need to throw himself against a wall just to know where he exists, just to feel himself in space. Walker flailed in space because his sense of location of his limbs, his body parts, and even the boundaries of his own being was not working well. Walker was spending most of his energy simply trying to figure out where he was.
The reason the Aspie does not find the target before throwing the ball is because they are too busy trying to find where their own body is in conjunction with/comparison to the ball. Getting their co-ordination in sync enough to actually throw the darn ball takes a very close, even internal focus. Asking them to also see the target yards away is just asking too much.
This vague sense of location might explain why Aspies become so angry when people in a crowd accidentally bump into us. When they touch us we become more aware of that person's location than we are of our own, thus making us feel like they are attacking our space.
All Autistics dislike being touched, and all Autistics have a vague sense of their own location. Perhaps these 2 things are related; i.e., it is not just the hyper-sensitive skin thet makes us averse to touch. We do not know exactly where our own body ends, thus when someone touches it it always takes us by surprise. Being surprised is like being interrupted, which can be at least irritating.
The development of sitting can be delayed by a few months, and the crawling movements may not have the basic diagonally-opposing limb-patterns. Analysis of infants' attempts to walk identified problems with falling, such as the tendency to always fall to one side, and a failure to used protective reflexes.
In Motorcycle Adventure Riding, one wears ATTGAT; i.e., motocross-style full-body-armor, because driving an overloaded-with-camping-gear bike on wilderness back-roads tends to include some crashes. The main mistake riders make is to put their arms out to catch themselves as they are falling mid-air; this inevitably leads to broken arms.
The trick to crashing without getting hurt (other than over-kill ATTGAT) is to tuck and roll mid-air thus absorbing the shock by rolling.
It was possibly easier for me than it is for Normal riders to learn this because I did not have the natural instinct to catch myself with arms out in the first place; i.e., the Normals would have to first teach themselves to stop trying to catch themselves, then teach themselves to tuck and roll. I learned fast the mid-air tuck and roll because I did not first have to defeat the natural instinct of catching myself (before I learned this I would often fall sprawling flat on my face). Now when I fall when simply walking I automatically tuck and roll, thus landing on my shoulder and upper back and rolling into a somersault, rather than on my face like I used to.
Tremendously more skateboarders break arms than Adventure Riders because the skateboarders are going at a slow enough speed, they think they can catch themselves, thus they break their arms. Motorcyclists know they are going fast enough to rip arms completely off, thus they at least understand the concept of adopting the mid-air fetal-position for protection.
There may also be problems with Proprioception; i.e., the integration of information about the position and movement of the body in space, and the ability to maintain posture and balance. I have also known several Aspie children who enjoy being up-side-down for long periods of time.
I found it very relaxing to hang on a "Back Revolution", which is this spine-stretching device like a back-swing (Google "Back Revolution"). It places me up-side-down where I hang from my hips, which takes all the weight off the spine. Being a chiropractic junkie due to stress, my chiropractor recommended I get 1 of those things. It was lovely. Not just in relaxing my tense back, but the hanging up-side-down was also very emotionally calming - almost like Temple's squeeze-machine.
I also used to (sort of) want to be a trapeze artist. I used to jump off of beams in the barn, doing somersaults mid-air, and landing in loose hay. I was relatively graceful mid-air. But ask me to walk in a straight line? Forget it.
When examining general movement abilities of Aspie children, there can be signs of Ataxia; i.e., less orderly muscular co-ordination and an abnormal pattern of movement. This can include movements being performed with abnormal force, rhythm and accuracy, and an unsteady gait. Definitely me.
It is interesting thet I went on to become such an excellent drummer. I suspect it is because I was seated in 1 position, and the drums held still too. Thus I could muscle-train to the extent thet I could hit an individual drum accurately even when I was not looking at it. I even worked myself into a trance and left my body, resulting in my body playing the drums perfectly without me even being in it at all!
I think my ability to leave my body was very much influenced by AS. My sense of location was already vague enough thet moving out of the body completely was not as hard as finding my location in it in the first place.
This explains a feature that is quite conspicuous when walking next to an Aspie. As 2 people walk side-by-side they tend to synchronize the movements of their limbs, much as occurs when soldiers are on parade. The Aspie appears to walk to the beat of a different drummer.
The Normals naturally sync together. It is not entirely due to Democratic brain-washing (with a sledge-hammer), but their natural inclination as an Aspie simply do not have (further proving the Ethical superiority of Aspies who are not only averse to joining lynch-mobs, but possibly unable to join); we already have the perpetual feeling of, "Who the hell are these people! What planet is this!", thus we become the ultimate deer in headlights when even observing a lynch-mob.
The technical term is Macrographia. An activity in class may be refused because of an aversion to the requirement to write. Teachers may become frustrated by the illegibility of the handwriting, but need to remember that this is an expression of a movement disorder, not necessarily a lack of commitment to the work.
Meanwhile some Aspie kids become fascinated by handwriting and develop a special interest in Calligraphy. The problem is that the child takes too long to complete written assignments in class. Each letter may be perfectly formed, but the child has become more absorbed in the formation of the letters than the meaning of the sentance.
I always wrote my 8s and Ss starting from the bottom. I now write my 8s as 2 circles, top 1 first. My Ss now start at the top in printing, but in my signature I still start the S from the bottom.
I was always fascinated with Calligraphy as an art-form. Though I never studied it nor took classes, I did use a basic Calligraphy pen (with the replaceable ink-cartridges) as my main writing tool for years. From there I went to writing only with a black Sharpie marker. Today I only use black gel pens.
I think in my case, due to Hyperlexia, the content of the sentance was more important than the formation of the letters, thus leading to my horrible handwriting today; I must print in all capital letters or even I cannot read it.
Also, the use of printing in all capital letters reflects the AS symptom of "inability to determine the relative difference in value between things", which I refer to as "Communist Theory"; all people (and letters) are equal comrades.
I also studied Handwriting Analysis for years.
Today at work, they comment (in apparent amazement) thet my handwriting is always so legible, due to the fact the average American, or at least the hicks in the Southwest, can hardly write at all. They certainly do not read.
Because I can hardly talk articulately, I am known for pronouncing my words especially well. Because I have Macrographia and Dysgraphia, not to mention Dyslexia, I am known for writing especially legibly. Because I have practically no memory, I write down everything in chronological order, which is so very logical. I compensate so well for my disorders, becoming known for being the opposite of them.
Tony presents a list of mannerisms thet can be referred to as tics. I have always thought of tics as spastic twitching. But according to Tony many things I do constantly could be defined as tics. Specifically: Sticking my tongue out with my mouth slightly open. Chewing my tongue constantly. Endlessly feeling my teeth with my tongue. Feeling the roof of my mouth with my tongue. Brushing my teeth forever. Sucking my teeth. Possibly even Flossing my teeth, as part of my mouth obsession. Breathing in erratic rhythms. Finger-flicking, and air-playing guitar chords, even though I am not thinking about music at the time. Talking to myself constantly. Stretching the tendons in my hands. Chattering and tapping my teeth.
Why are these called tics, and not Stims? To me a tic is an uncontrollable spasm. Whereas a Stim is intentionally engaged in as a stress-reliever. All of these above-mentioned things I do, are in fact intentional, even if I am not entirely aware I am doing them.
Movement disturbance does not appear to affect sporting activities such as swimming, using the trampoline, playing golf, or horse-riding. For these are activities that can be practiced in solitude.
Profoundly alone, Aspies cannot "do the dance" of interacting with a sports team. They cannot keep track of so many people at once. I was pretty good at my graceful trapeze work, and am quite agile on, and becomming one with, a motorcycle, and even agile at crashing motorcycles. But ask me to simply dance with a partner while touching them? Forget it. I cannot walk (even when alone) in a strait line.
The most common sensitivity is to very specific sounds, but there can also be sensitivities to tactile experiences, light sensitivity, the taste and texture of food, and specific aromas. There can be under and over-reaction to the experience of pain and discomfort, the sense of balance, movement perception, and body orientation. One or several sensory systems can be affected such that everyday sensations are perceived as unbearably intense or apparently not perceived at all. Parents are often bewildered as to why these sensations are intolerable or not noticed, while the Aspie is equally bewildered as to why other people do not have the same level of sensitivities.
Once again Tony is disgusted with the relatively worthless DSM-IV, and also mentions the ADI-R, which is used specifically for diagnosing Classic Autism.
Unusual sensory perception is not included in any of the 4 diagnostic criteria for AS, even though between 70 and 80% of Aspie children have extreme sensitivity to specific sounds.
Tony quotes four Aspies talking about their Sensory Processing Disorders, all of which could have been written by me.
We are not sure if "sensory tune-out" is due to being so intensely preoccupied with an activity that the auditory signals do not interrupt the intense concentration, or whether there is a genuine temporary and fluctuating loss of the perception and processing of auditory information. However this characteristic can lead to parents considering that their young Aspie may also be deaf.
This fluctuation in the awareness of sound is very common in all Aspies, and I consider it my worst symptom. I also cannot say if my brain erratically turns on and off the processing of incoming sound, or whether my inability to multi-task makes it so I simply cannot handle yet another sense along with all the others I am overwhelmed with trying to process.
I know thet in some cases my hearing goes where my mind goes; this is called "selective listening". But it is not a conscious switching off of 1 sound while amplifying another simultaneous sound. In fact if I try to "tune out" back-ground noise, I am thus focusing on it, and it becomes much louder, to irritating extent. Meanwhile sometimes if I am talking to myself, in my head, and someone comes up to me and talks in a perfectly audible volume, I honestly do not hear them. This also happens when I am reading; the slightest distant noise interruption is infuriating to me, then the next minute someone talks to me (intentionally trying to interrupt me) and I honestly did not hear them.
Tony repeatedly makes the point thet for most Aspies there is nothing more irritating than noise (sometimes creating actual pain and even panic), while their favorite thing is sound. Of course the difference between noise and sound is in the ear of the beholder. And what in 1 scenario is irritating can be pleasant in a different scenario; i.e., 1 of the most irritating things to me is the sound of people talking, but for a woman to seduce me she must talk a lot. I cannot work (physical labor) if there is a radio or Muzak playing, but while I am writing this I have my iTunes program running non-stop. I have a painful panic reaction to the sound of air hand-driers, but I like the hiss of white noise interjected percussively into music; e.g., Suzanne Vega's "Blood Makes Noise", or practically anything by Bjork.
Tony accurately describes Auditory Integration Therapy, which in the book Sound of a Miracle (reviewed on my site) was credited for outright curing 1 case of Autism. Tony says, "There is no empirical support for AIT." Really? Tell that to Georgiana Stehli! Then read my AIT page! You idiot!
Quoting Donna Williams: One sound which I loved to hear was the sound of anything metal. Unfortunately for my mother, our doorbell fell into this category, and I spent ages obsessively ringing it. I would string safety-pins together and tinkle them in my ear. I loved the sound of metal striking metal. 2 of my favorite objects were a piece of cut crystal and a tuning fork which I carried with me for years.
If this child had been given particularly a xylophone, but even a vibraharp, marimba, glockenspiel, tubular bells, steel drum, or hang drum she would have become a maestro. But her weird idiosyncrasy was never nurtured into a career. It was apparently just wasted as an annoyance.
This alternately makes me feel angry and horribly sad. She had a gift but no one noticed it as such, thus it was allowed to die.
Sensitivity to specific types of touch or tactile experience occurs in over 50% of Aspie kids. There can be extreme sensitivity to a particular type of touch, and the degree or pressure of the touching of particular body parts.
Sensory Integration Therapy can reduce tactile defensiveness, but there is a lack of empirical evidence of it's effectiveness.
So I looked up the word Empirical. It means verifiable by observation or experience rather than theory.
Whatever. Georgiana Stehli was cured of Autism simply by having her hearing adjusted!
Over 50% of Aspie kids have olfactory and taste sensitivity.
My sense of smell is hyper-sensitive, like all my other senses. The difference is thet it is consistently hyper-sensitive (as is my sense of taste). All my other senses are erratic. Thus I smell everything to get a stable perspective.
Unfortunately Tony says nothing more about the subject, so on the internet I found the Sense Of Smell Institute.
And as for hyper and hypo sensitive sense of taste, it says:
Hypo-sensitivity would once again allow you to accidentally ingest something your body would otherwise recognize as toxic. Hyper-sensitivity makes everything taste too strong, again amplifying the gag-reflex, and otherwise being over-stimulating - the worst possible thing for an Autistic.
And 50% of Aspies have smell and taste abnormalities.
My sense of taste is apparently (like my sense of smell) hyper-sensitive but stable. I pretty much like the taste of just about anything. I do like spicy foods, but only mildly spicy; blow-your-head-off Mexican or Thai food is not for me.
I do gag or choke occasionally, but it is mainly due to my bad physical co-ordination making swallowing awkward; in my case it is not really influenced by taste or smell. Oddly, my sense of touch or sight can make me gag; i.e., picking up fresh cat shit with a paper towel, or just seeing canned rabbit meat for example.
Visual sensitivity can also be hyper and hypo: Me having to wear brown filters when in daylight, and having oncoming headlights at night actually induce pain, etc. Then there is the pleasure I get from studying maps; being visually over-whelmed by too many people around me at the same time; feeling anxiety just by looking someone in the eye; being stunned by the beauty of Mexican women; feeling excited by the peculiar design of Buell and BMW motorcycles; loving buildings made of stone, etc.
Right there I described both pleasure and irritation caused by visual sensitivity. Even though I am superior to the Normals in my perception, it does not do me any good at interacting with them, for my reaction to those things is not the same reaction the Normals would have. Thus my superior perception alienates me even more.
Tony uses the example of an Aspie not being able to see what is right before their eyes, because they are overwhelmed by sound or some other stimuli. This is why I cannot do physical labor when there is a radio or Muzac playing. I also had to take off my glasses when playing drums live (in this case, taking my glasses off made me nearly blind), for being able to see (the people) too well while playing music was just too much information. I often played with my eyes closed entirely, which would make my hearing more accurate. When Temple Grandin squeezes her body in her machine, it makes her hearing sensitivity calm down.
As a professional musician, I would wind myself up into an anxiety-attack before going on stage, creating tremendous muscle tension putting my back out of joint, and then I would throw-up an hour after the show, apparently as an uncontrollable Stim to relieve the anxiety. It was simply over-stimulating to see and hear at the same time. Inevitably I stopped playing live and retreated to the recording studio.
For the Aspie there can be intense pleasure in examples of visual symmetry. I shall once again direct you to the paintings of Jessica Park. This is also why Autistics place toys in vertical lines rather than playing with them. Seeing anything in exact symmetry is comforting, and even delightful. This is why I am very irritated by anyone who has crooked teeth; it is all I can do to keep from yelling at them to fix their teeth!; and if their teeth are perfect I feel attracted to them as a person (which is absurd, but I cannot help but feel comforted by visual symmetry).
Here is an Aspergian joke for you: The Symmetery is where nerds go to get their graph-paper.
Helen Irlen has developed the use of tinted glasses to improve visual perception and reduce perceptual overload and visual disturbance. You occasionally see people with pink, purple, or blue lensed glasses. These are Irlen Lenses. Ozzy Ozborne for example is Dyslexic, that is why he wears his famous blue Irlen lenses.
Contrary to Tony Attwood's ignorant remarks about there being no impirical evidence of their effectiveness, Audio Integration Training, Sensory Integration Training, and Irlen Lenses are things I need ... because they work! (see my AIT and Irlen Lenses pages).
It is important to remember that when the Autistic is extremely distressed or agitated they will benefit from having a room to retreat to and calm down in, away from people. This room needs to have sensory aspects that are calming and soothing. This can include the symmetry of furnishings, the color of the walls and carpet, and no sounds, aromas, or tactile surfaces that are perceived as unpleasant.
At Autism Network International conventions they set aside "crash rooms" full of refrigerator shipping boxes the over-stimulated can retreat to as private cubby-holes.
It was probably inevitable thet I would become a recording-engineer and record-producer; the recording studio being the only place where I could get control of sound. Studios are purposely built to be sound-proof and acoustically dead. It is heaven.
My own living room, wherein I am writing this, has 1 whole wall painted dark purple. 1 of my neighbors referred to it as a "power wall". I assume by that he meant it was the dominant feature in the room. But to me it is the opposite; I face that wall because it is calming (it also has maps on it, of course).
The Perception of Pain and Temperature.
An Aspie may appear very stoic, and not flinch or show distress in response to levels of pain that others would consider unbearable. The Aspie's attention can be drawn to a bruise or cut but they cannot remember how it happened. Splinters may be removed without concern, hot drinks consumed without distress. On hot days warm clothes may be worn, on freezing days they may insist on wearing summer clothes.
There can be both hypo and hyper sensitivity to pain. The low threshold for some types of pain and discomfort can be a frequent source of distress. However Aspies are more likely to be hypo rather than hyper sensitive to pain.
In my case it is not just pain in general, but the type of touch; i.e., when someone hits me I can be relatively oblivious. But if I am tickled lightly it is extremely irritating. I like to be touched with fingers and hands, but cannot stand the touch (even lightly) of fingernails. I love bone-crunching chiropractors, but hate hugs. I love cold air but hate cold water.
I often find blood on me but have no idea where it came from; I have to search my own body for the wound. This is especially true when I acquire the injury while doing physical labor. In that case I am already feeling as much physical sensitivity as I can stand, thus 1 more input simply does not register. This is also why I cannot listen to music and physically work at the same time; it is just too much information.
Also it is like my CAPD hearing, wherein my hearing goes wherever my attention goes, so if I am intensely focused on doing some physical thing and someone comes up behind me and talks at a perfectly audible volume, I simply do not hear them because I was already using all my capacity focusing on the physical thing. It is that way with my physical sense, in thet I can be working on my motorcycle and hear 1 mosquito by my ear, only then do I realize I have 10 mosquitos on my arms and only then do I actually feel them biting. If I am oblivious to a person's existence, I thus hardly feel it if they hit me. But if I am focused intently on someone and their touch (as in making love) anything they do is irritating because they are too gentle (like a light tickle) which irritates me, or they are too rough and it hurts to me (This is why Aspies make the perfect prostitute customers; they can tell her exactly what to do and what not to). I have no interest in actually having sex with someone, because of all this - it is just too much trouble.
I am also exhilarated by riding a motorcycle in cold rain, which would be unbearable for most people. Though it is annoying at the time, I still like my fingers to freeze white, if it is wet cold - dry cold is too harsh. I also like to get my feet wet when it is cold. I like to be naked in cold wind and rain, but I hate it if someone touches me with cold hands. After I get to my destination (a warm building) on a motorcycle in the cold wet, I feel so giddy I can hardly contain myself. I also like to get into a cool bed naked when I am freezing and have only my own body temperature to warm me and it up slowly. It is uncomfortable for me to stand in front of a heater to warm up if I am freezing, and I hate electric blankets.
In some recent issue of National Geographic there is a picture of some Russian standing knee-deep in water, naked, with an axe, chopping the ice so he can take a swim. What an Aspie thing to do!
Hans Asperger noted thet 25% of Aspie kids were late in toilet-training. It is possible thet such children were simply less able to perceive the internal signals of bladder and bowel discomfort to prevent "accidents".
I was not like that, in fact I always felt thet my parents were overtly abusing me by making me hold it. It was in anger thet I used the toilet because there was always someone stopping me from going when I needed to.
Then I had spastic colitis, in my body's attempt to get rid of the vaccines ejected from my body as transparent yellow slug-slime thet smelled like burning plastic. They would never let me go to the toilet! I shit myself a lot as a child, but it was only because of the spasms expelling the vaccine goo. I hated my parents every day of my life. It was entirely their fault I shat myself.
Unusual sensory processing is when you see a scent, taste a color, etc. This is common in all people, wherein if you just see a picture of your favorite food you will drool, or if you receive a severe blow to your body you "see white", become enraged and "see red", or sense "the metallic taste of fear", etc. Though it is not recognized as an actual symptom of AS, Aspies, who already have inaccurate perception, may have more complicated versions of this.
I am not aware of having this at all. In my case 1 sense will shut off completely if another sense is overwhelmed.
Donna Williams has a bad case of this, wherein all her senses scramble together, 1 triggering the other.
Wood heat, oil heat, and electric heat: If all 3 are in 1 room, all set at the same temperature, I could go stand in front of each 1 and easily tell the difference. The way my skin (overly) senses the heat-waves is obvious to me.
(The above 3 paragraphs were written 3 years ago. Since then I have acquired Irelen lenses and AIT, both of
which made it very clear thet I have a bad case of Synesthesia - the ability to see sound and hear light. See my AIT
and Irlen Lenses pages for elaboration on Synesthesia.)
"We can see in the Autistic person, far more clearly than with any normal child, a predestination for a particular profession from earliest youth. A particular line of work often grows naturally out of their special abilities." - Hans Asperger.
I was composing music in my sleep as a kid, thus I went on to be involved in the music business professionally from the age of 12 to 36. I then burned out because I could not stand the people.
I was fascinated with earthquakes and volcanos around age 9-10, but the school system forbid me to study it, so I simply lost interest and became actually fixated on Political Theory. I remain fixated on that to this day, and probably always will be.
Then I became a bicycle mechanic.
Then I became fascinated with mold as an exotic plant, which I refined into a fascination with mushrooms specifically. I wanted to study that, but my abusive parents refused to buy me the necessary books. So I lost interest. That was around 11-12 years of age.
Then I became actually fixated on inventing gibberish words. Neologisms.
By 17 I became girl-crazy and fell in love 7 times. None of them loved me back (and they were all barking mad), so I gave up on women (or at least romance).
I know how to do artificial inseminations, and I have delivered a dozen babies.
I transferred my affections from un-obtainable girls to music - professionally. I actually developed Obsessive Personality Disorder during my music stage. This is what I should have done as a career, but my parents tried to destroy my every attempt, and the musician trash drove me to a rage. So I quit. I wrote words and music to 300 songs, 180 of which I had down on tape.
So I moved on to motorcycles and auto mechanics in general, becoming an expert on air-cooled and Diesel Volkswagens.
I eventually realized Motorcycle Adventure Riding was the best thing in life, and so I sold my car and had a motorcycle as my sole transport for 4 years.
I never stopped inventing words, experimental writing styles, and new formats for word usage. I became a member of the Alternative Press and wrote, edited, and self-published 77 zines. In the mid-90s I had 2 of the top 100 most popular zines on Earth.
I was inventing my own gibberish language before I could understand common language usage (age 4 - 5) because I was so Hyperlexic (even though, due to CAPD, I could not understand what people said).
Writing is the only thing I still do, because it is something thet allows, and even requires, one to be alone to do it.
In 2006 I achieved a state of literary genius with my 17 issue Leech Map zine series.
The new fixated subject is Autism Spectrum Disorders, neurological disorders in general, and Asperger's Syndrome specifically. Being such a talented writer, combined with the Aspergian trait of obsessively amassing encyclopedic knowledge on my fixated subject, this is my new niche.
Back to Tony's book:
Employment Qualities:
Reliable
Persistent
Perfectionist
Easily identifies errors
Technically able
Strong sense of social justice and integrity
Likely to question protocols
Accurate
Meticulous attention to detail
Logical
Conscientious
Knowledgeable
Original in problem-solving
Honest
Thrives on routine and clear expectations
However, there may be some difficulties.
The Aspie may have problems with:
Teamwork
Being a line manager
Conventional methods
Sensory perception
Time-keeping and work-routines
Managing stress and anxiety
Realistic career expectations
Being over-qualified (and knowing it)
Misinterpretation of instructions
Coping with change
Accepting advice
Personal grooming
Fitting in (alternately gullible and critical)
Asking for help
Organizing and planning (recognizing the proper sequence in which to do things, and the relative difference in value between them)
Conflict resolution
Interpersonal skills
For some trades and professions there may be greater success in learning specific skills using the traditional master/apprentice training technique rather than classroom-based learning. But I end up with a burning anger over the purposeful withholding of education. No one will teach me (my way)!
An interesting employment initiative has been developed in Denmark. The company Specialisterne, tests electronic equipment. The owner of the company (the father of an Autistic child) specifically wanted employees with Asperger's Syndrome because of their exceptional eye for detail and their enjoyment of repetitive procedures. Each employee has their own private office, and work-hours are flexible.
It is well-known thet the computer and electronics industries are heavily populated by nerds; i.e., undiagnosed Aspergers.
Temple Grandin said to me, "I am what I do".
This is also what I said: "I am a writer. It is what I do. It is who I am."
Tony spends a lot of time on the subject of romance and interpersonal relationships. It can all be summed up in 1 sentance: Living with an Aspie is like living alone.
Aspies do not want a girlfriend, we want a literary "booty-call." When I am feeling lonely, I want to call someone and have them come over and let me spill my guts to them. After which I want them to go away and leave me alone. This emotional intensity scares the crap out of the Normals, and their egos cannot handle being ignored the rest of the time. Her job is to just be there when I want her to be. Do not touch me, and do not talk (and do not cook my food or clean my house!). Just be there in case I want to touch or talk.
The most common problem for a Normal partner is feeling lonely. The Aspie partner can be content with their own company for long periods of time (The only time I feel truly happy is when I am Motorcycle Adventure Riding for over 20 days alone).
Although the couple may be living together, conversations may be few, and primarily involve the exchanging of information (I give an educational lecture without your interruption, then you give me an educational lecture without my interruption; otherwise shut up and go away).
I am annoyed by (Neurotypical) women because they yack constantly but never say a damn thing, they insist on making an argument out of everything (they think to have a good relationship we must be able to "fight well"), and they bite and scratch and hit as sex-play, which is so repulsive to me; their biting hitting and scratching is just being playful, but to hyper-sensitive me it is terribly over-stimulating. Normal women are just grating irritants.
They talk with their eyes about emotional things, rather than talk with words about intellectual things. It is completely pointless.
Unless she is a prostitute, thus she will be what I want because she is getting paid to do the easiest job on Earth (just listen to me, and do not argue!).
The Aspie's booty-call fantasy does not even have to involve sex very often. Just be there for Hyperlexic me to talk to and with when I need it. Remember, it is all about words. Read my zine. That is all - just read it. It is the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is show up.
(3 years after writing that I have gotten to the point wherein all I want from a "girlfriend" is someone to sleep with. After
I go to bed, I just want her to snuggle and talk. The frequency with which I actually want to have sex with her is about
10% of those times; i.e., I want to have sex about once a week, the rest of the time I find it irritating to be touched at all,
unless she is just snuggling like a child. I would just as soon she actually be my own small child; i.e., I want to love a
child more than I want to love a lover. The term "sleep with" does not necessarily have anything to do with sex. And
when not in bed, I would just as soon she be gone for the day. I do not like having anyone in my house).
Back to Tony's book:
When using projective testing (Rorschach-type tests where the patient sees unconscious or at least un-admitted things about themselves), the Aspie child is more likely to provide factual information than projections of self. Typically, Aspies will be very objective observers.
This is why I hate Schizophrenics so much; 1 of the most obvious symptoms is projection, wherein they are so afraid of their own feelings, they project them onto other people and then attack those people for having the feeling the Schizophrenic is afraid of in themselves, resulting in them attacking an innocent person for no discernible reason. Both my parents and all 4 of my siblings are famous for this form of lunie abusiveness.
Meanwhile the Aspie alternates between belief in prior knowledge and belief in no prior knowledge; wherein they assume the other person knows what the Aspie is thinking, when they do not, or assume the other person does not know what the Aspie is thinking, when they do. For this reason Aspies typically have difficulty empathizing.
This reiterates the reason why I feel such disgust toward and irritation with Democracy. In a Democracy those who believe in it assume everyone is like them; they assume all people empathize with them because all people are part of the majority-moron-rule system. Aspies are a deer in headlights when it comes to these people who think everyone feels like they do (or should).
The Asperger symptom of assumption of prior knowledge is about intellectual information, not emotional feelings; even if I wrongly assume you know what I know, I do not necessarily assume you feel the way I do about it.
Looking up Projective Testing on the Internet I found the following test, completed it, and here is the result:
Custom Keirsey Temperament Report for: Chryssie.
Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of The Guardian.
It is predictable thet I would have ended up as a Security Guard as my day-job, preceded by my stint with CPS, taking care of little kids, protecting the innocent, and my stint with DDD, taking care of disabled people.
I can likewise take a Rorschach Test and explain in detail what the blots actually look like, rather than Schizophrenic projections.
One of the components of psychotherapy is for the therapist to learn about the client's inner thoughts. The understanding and expression of inner thoughts, of themselves and others, can be a considerable problem for Aspies. Self-analysis does not come easy. Some never get to the point where they can look inward and explain outward.
Though it is obvious thet even I have difficulty understanding what people think and feel, or at least why they would think and feel specific things, I refer to these people who have trouble looking inward as "Retards who do not want to get better." There is flat-out no excuse for anyone to be so weak and stupid thet they cannot at least try to figure themselves out. They want to be helpless and dependent, seeking co-addictive relationships with abusers.
Only in these last few years did I realized thet many of my so-called "character traits" were actually just symptoms of a disorder. I was fascinated by that, and thus became an expert on my disorder.
It was just exasperating for me to sit in that so-called "support group" and watch these morons who did not even know what the symptoms of AS were. They went to some clinician who diagnosed them without telling them what the symptoms even were, and the patient did not ask. I was just appalled when I mentioned TAFA Center (the main Autism clinic in Tucson) to the group, and none of them had even heard of it. Why the hell not! You have Autism! Why don't you study your own case and fix it! You Morons!
The understanding and expression of inner thoughts, of themselves and others, can be a considerable problem for Aspies. Self-analysis does not come easy. It is profoundly easy for me! I wrote this all into a zine first. Only then did I copy it into this web-site. About 1/3 of what is written in my zine is edited out for this web-site, because it would scare the crap out of people if I did not - me being too Pragmatic Language Disordered for the average reader.
At some stage Aspies recognize they are different from others. There are 4 psychological reactions to that realization: Depression, Escape into imagination, Arrogance, and Survival by imitation.
I obviously was the Escapist Dreamer, combined with Arrogance. In fact I developed a temporary God Complex in my rage, while frantically Motorcycle Adventure Riding all over the place, alone, writing writing writing.
Eventually I got over myself, recognized I am a Natural Witch, which then evolved into a First Wave Indigo, through which I accidentally discovered Asperger's Syndrome.
The main point is thet I understand myself better than most people understand themselves. Even better than these morons (at the support-group in Tucson) who had received an official diagnosis.
If you have read my 77 zines, you will see thet I am actually profoundly good at looking inward and explaining outward. It is my world-renowned Pragmatic Language Disorder, wherein I spill my guts and cry to people rather than small-talking at them. There is in fact nothing about me I have not written out in detail and published for the world to see.
Tony mentions thet a few of his patients had become professional actors, because, as Aspies, they had no actual sense of self. Their identity became defined by the roles they had played.
I understand the Autistic symptom of being so unaware of one's own location thet they have to spin or wear weighted belts in order to find themselves; e.g., I can only keep my balance on a motorcycle if I have my ATTGAT squeezing several parts of my body, otherwise I "come loose" from my body and lose my balance. But I have always had a very strong sense of personal identity; I assume this is due to me being a Ram-headed Aries.
When Aspies are asked to describe themselves, they tend to define their personality in terms of what they like to do or collect, not by their social network of family or friends.
Like Temple said above, "I am what I do". The difference between me defining myself as a writer, and some other Aspie defining themself as an actor, is thet the actor's roles were portrayals of someone other than who the actor is. Whereas my writing is entirely portrayals of who I really am - warts and all presentations of my guts spilled. I am not an "Asperger Impersonator"; i.e., it is not a role I am playing, it is what I am, thus who I am (presented as/by a self-narrating zoo exibit).
This is why I hate Niggers and Faggots; Black people "acting Black", and homosexuals "acting Gay" is just so pathetic to me, because their self-images are based on the color of their skin or their sexuality. Get a life! I am not a White, male, heterosexual. I am a writer.
The altruistic desire to please people can be less of a motivation for Aspies. I usually prefer to appeal to the intellectual vanity of such children, and commend them for their intelligence, rather than commenting on how pleased I am. With an Aspie, flattery will get you nothing.
About 20% of fathers and 5% of mothers of a child with AS have the Syndrome themselves. If one uses a broader description of AS, almost 50% of first-degree relatives of a child with AS have similar characteristics. When considering second and third degree relatives, more than 2/3 of children with AS have a relative with similar patterns of abilities. There is something in the genes.
My father and his brother have Aspergers Syndrome. I never knew any of the other relatives on his side of the family, but I know from my dad thet his parents were both clearly abusive and insane, as is he.
My mother's whole family were abusive lunatics, and both of my parents are Paranoid Schizophrenics, as are all 4 of my siblings. There is something in the genes. I am so profoundly fortunate to only have Aspergers. I am the Alpha Plus of this family (which is not saying much).
For at least 1 in 4 children with AS, their brain and head circumference grew at a faster rate than would be expected in the first few months after birth. The children developed macrocephalus (an unusually large head and brain). There may be 2 sub-groups of children with AS who have macrocephalus, 1 which includes children who had a large head at birth, and the other which includes those who showed a rapid increase in brain size during early infancy. The initial acceleration eventually slows, so that in later childhood typical children have caught up such that the difference in head circumference may not be so conspicuous by the time the child is about 5 years old. At the moment we do not know why this occurs. The frontal, temporal, and parenial, but not the occipital, areas of the brain are enlarged, and there is an increase in grey matter but not white. Sometimes having a rapidly growing and relatively big brain, or at least parts of it, is not an advantage.
Above I reviewed the book Accept No Autism wherein I said:
She also has a very unique opinion about what caused Autism in her child. He was born with a malformed stomach (the same malformity I was born with, though Zack had a much worse case) wherein the valve between the esophagus and the stomach was not completely formed, thus allowing extremely severe "acid reflux" to make him spontaneously throw up everything he ever ate. After he was 2 years old, the malformity finally grew to normal, thus allowing him to become well nourished for the first time in his life. This caused such a sudden growth-spurt thet his brain grew faster than the nerves within it, thus causing Autism. Eventually the nerves caught up, and today he does not even have a mild case of Aspergers!
My whole body has always been normal in size and shape. In fact I am often mistaken for someone else because I am apparently very generic and average looking.
Tony says, and I strongly agree with him, thet the Aspie child must be told about their own diagnosis as soon as possible, and helped to become an expert on AS, thus taking pride in their strengths, rather than being tortured by and for their weaknesses. He also says the child should become an active participant in the decisions concerning their own therapies.
My parents were so horrible. They never did find out what was wrong with me, but they did talk about me behind my back to brain-dead abuser teachers so they together could decide what was best for me without ever including me in the discussion nor even asking me anything about myself. Then occasionally springing weird surprise tests on me to freak me out, but never telling me the purpose of them nor the results.
This was also the main aspect of my interaction with medical doctors. My evil mother would get together with corrupt drug-pusher doctors, project her own Schizophrenia onto me, and convince the doctors thet I had her un-admitted disorder, when neither of them ever talked to me! In fact the doctors repeatedly gave me prescription drugs while refusing to tell me what they were even for. I just hate them so much. I was 45 years old before I even heard of Aspergers.
Research has clearly established that the rate of convictions for adults with AS is actually the same as for the general population, and the incidence of violent offenses is remarkably low.
Tony explains thet the majority of crimes committed by Aspies are public nuisance and civil disobedience over matters of principle; the Aspies "ridiculous" sense of Ethics getting them into trouble with the sociopathic system.
Also there is a possibility thet Aspies with fixated subjects could devolve into Obsessive Personality Disorder, thus driving them to steal things thet are associated with their fixated subject. The item stolen can be unusual, such as a rare lamppost or tractor, which has no practical use to the person and cannot be sold for financial gain. The culprit is quickly identified, and incriminating evidence easily found. The compulsive nature of their fixation may overwhelm the typical Aspie's "embarrassing" Pragmatic Language Disorder, honesty, and adamant sense of Ethics.
My fixation thet devolved into Obsessive Personality Disorder was music, but I never stole any music equipment to support it. I was always mature enough not to let that happen. In fact I was constantly horrified by the sociopathic behavior of all other people - particularly kleptomaniac junkie musician trash!
Aspies who have committed an offense have often been quick to confess and justify their actions. They cannot understand what all the fuss is about; their actions were logical, justified, and appropriate, and described without any associated emotion or remorse.
The [apparent] lack of empathy and remorse could suggest signs of being a sociopath. But a sociopath usually has a superficial charm, and a previous history of ingenious and intuitive ways of exploiting and manipulating others. They are the ultimate human predators. The Aspie is so socially-naive [deer in headlights clueless as to what is going on with others] they are usually on the opposite end of the predator/prey spectrum [gullibly being manipulated by sociopaths].
One of the compensatory mechanisms for an Aspie who is achieving limited social success, is to create a fantasy life that can include imaginary friends and even imaginary worlds in which they are understood. The contrast between the real and imaginary world can become quite acute during adolescence, and under extreme stress the Aspie may create a fantasy world that becomes not simply a mental sanctuary and source of enjoyment, but a cause of concern for others, that the distinction between fantasy and reality become blurred. A tendency to escape into imagination as a compensatory mechanism may then be interpreted as a delusional state of mind.
See my reviews of the documentaries Marwencol and In The Realms of the Unreal.
I am a dreamer Aspie, but I use it as a Stim more than escapism; i.e., I lay in bed building fantasy drum sets, motorcycles, and houses in my mind as my way of unwinding so I can sleep. Finding a place for everything and putting everything in it's place relaxes me. It is about arranging parts of things (a typical Aspie fixation).
I often ask myself what I would do with $1,000, $5,000, and $10,000. It helps me arrange my priorities; this is a typical problem for Aspies due to their inability to distinguish the relative difference in value between things, and figuring out the proper sequence in which to do them. I never fantasize about money as escapism. I only do it to get my Attention Deficit to focus on what I need to do next in the real world with the money I actually have.
The only fantasy I have as escapist entertainment is my non-existent dream band, and even that is based on something I actually did professionally for decades.
Also my fantasy of adopting an Autistic child is obviously a manifestation of my own unresolved emotional needs, wherein I am that Autistic child and I need to love and care for them myself, rather than waste my energy hating my parents for being so negligent.
My main compensatory mechanism is writing. It is my ultimate Stim, and very much reality-based.
Most Aspies are very much realists - taking everything very literally.
My writing is more the typical Asperger "Exchange of information/Self-narrating zoo exhibit/Little Professor lecture" type of material. I am practically incapable of writing a fictional novel.
Here are several important factors that have contributed to the success of many Aspies.
- The diagnosis occurs in early childhood, thus reducing the secondary psychological problems such as depression and anxiety.
- The person and their family accept the diagnosis.
- The Aspie has a mentor who has AS and provides guidance and inspiration.
- The person acquires knowledge about AS through reading autobiographies, and self-help books written for Aspies.
- A partner is there to provide emotional and practical support, camouflage (or create a counter-balance to) any difficulties, and provide a life-long commitment to the Aspie.
- The Aspie achieves success at work or in their special interest which offsets the challenges in their social life. Social success eventually becomes less important in the Aspie's life, and a sense of identity and self-worth is not measured by companionship but by achievements. This point is illustrated by Temple Grandin:
"I know things are missing in my life, but I have an exciting career that occupies my every waking hour. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind off what may be missing. Sometimes parents and professionals worry too much about the social-life of an adult with Autism. I make social contacts via my work. If a person develops their talents, they will have contacts with people who share these interests."
- The Aspie accepts their strengths and deficits, and no longer has a desire to become someone they cannot be.
- Remember, there may be a natural recovery. It is possible to simply out-grow some of the symptoms.
This book ends with a mind-boggling collection of references, resources, and recommended reading.
And to sum it all up:
Hans Asperger said that adults with Autistic Personality Disorder could become talented in code-breaking, and their abilities in mathematics and pattern-recognition valued by military intelligence. In his paper published in 1938 he advocated against the newly introduced Nazi law for "The prevention of offspring suffering from hereditary diseases." By pointing out the skills of Autistics, he was emphasizing their potential advantage to the military, thus preventing such children from being taken from their parents and killed. He was certainly a brave man for challenging Nazi doctrine.
During the Second World War, British Military Intelligence had benefited from the characteristics of AS among the mathematicians who had contributed to cracking the German Enigma Code. As did the German pattern-recognition math-nerd Aspergers who probably invented it in the first place!
After reading this book, you will be an expert on Asperger's Syndrome. Other than Tony's 2 glaring mistakes in saying Audio Integration Training and Irlen Lenses do not work, you can tell from how many pages it took me to review it, this is definitely the best book on AS I have ever read. Highly recommended.
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by Tony Attwood
Often quoted in many books about Autism Spectrum Disorders, Tony is considered the foremost expert on Asperger's Syndrome specifically.
As a pediatrician in Nazi-occupied Austria, Hans Asperger was bravely arguing against the recently-introduced law for "the prevention of offspring suffering from hereditary diseases." He advocated that education will render harmless the dangers which are in a child's genetic disposition. He wanted to save the children at his clinic from being murdered, and vehemently argued that children who are unusual are not necessarily inferior.
We clearly need more research on Asperger's Syndrome, particularly into aspects of sensory perception. Many people with AS are desperate to reduce their sensitivity to specific sounds and other sensory experiences. At present, clinicians and therapists have little to offer to reduce auditory, tactile, and olfactory sensitivity. We also need to develop and evaluate programs to encourage friendship and relationship skills, the management of emotions, and the constructive application of special interests.
Knowledge changes attitudes, which in turn can change abilities and circumstances.
Dr Guy Berard's Audio Integration Therapy has been shown to practically cure Autism in some cases (see my review of the book Sound Of A Miracle, and my AIT page). AIT alleviated my touch-aversion, due to the fact I have Synesthesia (my senses intermingle), thus AIT turning down my hearing by 10 dB also turned down my touch-aversion.
In the above paragraph I especially liked the line, "constructive application of special interests". All Aspergers will be fixated on 1 or 2 subjects, some almost obsessively so. Nothing can be done to make them stop fixating on their chosen subject. Thus, directing their fixation into a career-path is at least a good idea. I hate my parents for being religious fanatics who insisted on being Biblically "no part of the world." This was horrible for me since my fixated subject was political theory. If they had helped focus my fixation into a career-path I would have been incredibly good at it. But they had no interest in even acknowledging that subject (nor the fact I was clearly Autistic). Some Asperger kids could be fixated on monkeys or batteries. Both of these things could lead them to successful careers in zoology or electrical engineering. But instead, most people are simply annoyed by these "Little Professors" who will not shut up about their "absurd fixations".
Some kid was fixated on trains. He was not able to focus on math, so the teacher used his train fixation to direct him into adding and subtracting train-cars. Thus he learned math. He could not focus on geology, so the teacher instead focused him on how they build train-tracks through specific landscapes. Thus he learned geology.
Irlen lenses filter the light spectrums thet the person is hyper-sensitive to, but that is the equivalent of a hyper-auditory person having to wear earplugs. There is no sequence of colors one can watch thet will re-train their brain to interpret sight normally (yet).
I have to wear brown filters when I am in sunlight, and wear earplugs in order to sleep. Audio Integration Therapy could eliminate my need for earplugs (when I am not asleep), and Irlen lenses could help reduce my sensitivity to light (as long as I keep the glasses on).
But is there something thet can stop me from literally wincing at the scent of perfume, nail-pollish, or hairspray? Will I always be averse to touch (unless I am drunk, in which case I feel numb enough to tolerate it)?
In the process of reading this book I discovered there are in fact therapies for all of the above-mentioned sensitivities; i.e., the above line by Tony, "At present, clinicians and therapists have little to offer to reduce auditory, tactile, and olfactory sensitivity" is wrong.
As for the "programs to encourage friendship and relationship skills", I would love to see such a thing, but even I (as an Asperger) cannot imagine how to go about it, since Aspies are usually just not able to "get it" socially.
I have spent 49 years as a deer in headlights wondering why all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenic hysterical headless chickens terrified of intimacy, while emotionally-constipated drunken strangers half my age take their clothes off and hump my leg like a dog, but will not make eye-contact nor talk (in my language); i.e., from my perspective, it is the Normals who need the programs to encourage friendship and relationship skills.
The Normals apparently grew up watching TV sit-coms, thus they think they are supposed to interact as if they are acting in a sit-com, wherein they wait their turn to interject clever lines to entertain on-lookers, rather than actually communicate with each other. Meanwhile, Aspergers prefer to use language for educational information exchange - thus resulting in the anger provoked in me by the feeling thet everyone is withholding education from me.
A lack of social understanding, limited ability to have reciprocal conversations, and an intense interest in a particular subject are the core features of this syndrome, along with physical awkwardness, and Sensory Processing Disorders - and the grammar and vocabulary may have been relatively advanced, but at the end of the conversation one has the impression there was something unusual about their ability to have a typical conversation. Aspies give lectures as their main means of communication (until I started this web site).
Tony says most people diagnosed as adults only recognized they were different when they started school. This is very true in my case - I was actually shocked by my first day of school. I did not feel thet I was weird though, I felt all of them were. We were 6, and all but me were mentally and emotionally 3. I was almost horrified by this. Unfortunately my home-life was useless as a reference-point because both my parents and my 4 siblings were all abusive Paranoid Schizophrenics. Even so, school was the most utterly bewildering "culture" I had ever seen. I had no clue why any of it even existed.
Today I understand thet the sole purpose of the school system is to "teach" the little dummies to believe in Democracy (majority moron rule). But at the time, all I felt was a painful mental anguish over the fact I was more intelligent and more mature than anyone else (including all the teachers). The point is, though I felt tremendously different from all the others, I never felt there was anything wrong with me - in fact I felt superior.
When I asked these adults to describe those differences, they refer to not being interested in the social activities of their peers, not wanting to include others in their own activities, and not understanding the social conventions of the playground or classroom; i.e., why are bullies pounding on me all day while the teachers make a belligerent display of turning a fake blind eye? Why do mobs of the infantile and the brain-dead pack together and antagonistically jeer at me? Why do the teachers slap my hands before the class while I am drawing when I am a better artist than anyone else? Who the hell are these people! What planet is this! I never felt defensive (I would have to acknowledge them for that to happen), just utterly bewildered.
For them it is the fear of the unknown. They were actually terrified by the fact I did not talk to them, for they thus could not label me and place me in a box thet gave them the delusion of control in their paranoia. By the time I was in 7th grade, they would poke poke poke me in the ribs and constantly say, "Why don't you talk - Why don't you talk", with an obvious fear in their eyes; fear of the unknown.
This is also where gossip comes from. The paranoid are afraid of me because I have not told them what box I should be placed in, thus they just make things up to give themselves the delusion thet they are not afraid, and are in control control control! The utter inaccuracy and even viciousness of all gossip clearly demonstrates thet all people who engage in it are terrified of the unknown.
Meanwhile the Aspie is oblivious to other people and even irritated by them when they insist on being noticed by talking; this demonstrates the gullible cluelessness of the Aspie, who is practically incapable of feeling paranoid. All people are the unknown, and we do not give a damn.
When I asked these adults to describe those differences, they refer to not being interested in the social activities of their peers, not wanting to include others in their own activities, and not understanding the social conventions of the playground or classroom. Exactly.
I have observed young children with AS who have been hyperactive, but not necessarily due to ADHD. The hyperactivity can be a response to a high level of stress; i.e., the hyper-activity is merely an anxiety-venting Stim. Remove the stress, and the hyper-activity is no longer necessary.
Tony's writing style is almost overly descriptive - though this makes it impossible to misunderstand him, I wish he would be more concise:
Hans Asperger described a subgroup of children with a tendency to have conduct problems, leading to them being suspended from school - one of the main reasons the children who were subsequently diagnosed as having "Autistic Personality Disorder" were referred to his clinic in Vienna.
Sometimes children with AS perceive themselves as more adult than child. I have always known I was more intelligent and more mature than anyone else. Indeed such children may act in the classroom as an "assistant" to the teacher, correcting and disciplining other children - thus greatly intimidating the infantile and the brain-dead in their fantastic inferiority complexes thet produce outright paranoia, resulting in them abusively lashing out like wounded animals, when the Good Samaritan Aspie simply wanted to help. In situations of conflict, they are less likely to refer to an adult to act as an adjudicator, and are liable to "take the law into their own hands" - Because I am superior to you, I have the moral authority to do so. These children may also learn that acts of aggression can repel other children, ensuring uninterrupted solitude. I was not the lashing out in self-defense type of kid; I was more oblivious/dissociative, or at least utterly disinterested in even acknowledging these sheep. Of course this would only provoke them more. Conflict and confrontation with adults can be made worse by non-compliance, negativism, and difficulty in perceiving the differences in social status or hierarchy, resulting in a failure to respect authority or "maturity". "Respecting my elders" will happen when they earn it (snicker).
This is me totally, my whole life long. When I was working for the fish cannery in Alaska, the tiny minority of Black guys would all sit together at 1 table for lunch (I am White). There was no place else to sit, so I sat with them. They all went silent, looked offended, then realized I was a social Retard who just wanted to eat his lunch, and so they went on interacting as if I was not there - which is what I wanted in the first place!
I do that sort of thing probably every day; I use the word "probably" because most of the time I am oblivious thet I have committed a social faux pas. The only reason I noticed it in Alaska is because the 5 Black guys all went silent and bristled at my arrival - I noticed the change of psychic energy. Only then did I notice they were Black, or thet they were even there! I had simply scanned the room for empty seats.
The child with AS will not accept a particular rule [like racial segregation] if it appears to be illogical, and will pursue a point or argument as a matter of principle. This can lead to significant conflict with teachers and authorities; i.e., my Aspergian superior sense of Ethics proves thet if you disagree with me on a matter of principle it is because you are wrong. Who the hell do you think you are! I feel utter contempt toward Anarchists (read: criminally short-sighted sociopaths who think no one should have the right to tell them what to do).
The child with AS has difficulty with social integration. If that child also has a superior intellect they may compensate by becoming arrogant and egocentric. Conceited indignance thus becomes a characteristic of AS - resulting in my oft-repeated phrase: "It is not beyond me to understand these people - it is beneath me!"
Most adults report that having the diagnosis has been a positive experience - there can be intense relief. All my life I have known I was different - clearly superior, but socially clueless and perpetually anxious. My main source of anger toward others for most of my life was due to them not wanting to get better. I was an obsessive perfectionist and they were all consciously choozing to be Democratically dummied down, and even hostile toward anyone who might teach them something. My anger came from me desperately wanting to help them (come up to my level), but them (sometimes even violently) refusing to learn, in willful stupidity. Once I got my diagnosis only then did I realize it was not beyond me to understand them, but beneath me. What a relief to no longer feel enraged at their perpetual slapping of my helping hand. Now thet I have my diagnosis, I recognize it is beneath me to try to help the little people; I will no longer be casting my pearls before swine.
The self-affirmation pledge of those with Asperger's Syndrome:
- I am not defective, I am different. Wrong. AS is an abnormal (though superior) form of perception.
- I will not sacrifice my self-worth for peer acceptance. No problem since conceited indignance is my initial reaction toward anyone who attempts to be my peer (by trying to make me dummy-down to their level).
- I am a good and interesting person. I am profoundly aware I am ethically and intellectually better than anyone else, and also more interesting (at least as a literary genius - read my 77 zines).
- I will take pride in myself. Conceited indignance assures that. Unfortunately it is addictive (haughtiness is so incredibly fun!) and can it's self lead to over-compensation. I went through a brief period of actual God Complex - and haughtiness was the sin of Moses.
- I am capable of getting along with society. The useless retards at the Tucson Adult Asperger Association just wanted to wallow in it and create a sub-Democracy so they would not have to challenge themselves. Since then I have acquired my First Aid cert, CPR cert, finger-print clearance, alcohol cert, and levels 1-2-3 Security Guard certs, and become a relative expert on Autism; i.e., I continually try to improve myself so I may acquire and keep a job, and be a contributing member of (even this) society.
- I will ask for help when I need it. I have always been a real man who readily asks for directions when I am lost. More importantly l continue to educate myself as to how to be self-contained, thus never in need of assistance from others. I love when my motorcycle breaks down in the wilderness, because I have all the tools with me and know how to use them so I can fix it by myself. I feel very proud of myself when that happens.
- I am a person who is worthy of others' respect and acceptance. I will no longer censor myself to avoid intimidating the inferiors.
- I thus receive respect from those worthy of me. And I have never in my life tried to get acceptance by engaging in activities thet are not me - thus, like all Autistics, I honestly do not care if I get your acceptance. "Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind do not matter, and those who matter do not mind." - Dr Seuss.
My boss said no one will be allowed a day off during a certain time-period because of a special event thet would take all of our man-power to cover (as Security Guards). When I got my new schedule for that week, I had been given a day off during that time period. This I was not expecting and could not afford, so when another company offered me work on that day steam-cleaning carpets, I took it.
At the last minute my boss called me and said they needed me as Security on that day. I told him I was not available, due to me being already scheduled with the carpet cleaners. He got mad and yelled at me thet I had been warned well in advance thet no time-off requests would be approved during that week. I said I had not requested a day off, he had scheduled me a day off, which I cannot afford, thus when someone else offered me work on that day I took it. He said, "It is first come first served with you isn't it!" And I said, "Yes! I am special! You snooze, you lose!" He was so angry with me thet he could not even speak for a few seconds. Then he just yelled "Bye!" and slammed down the phone. I felt so giddy.
And that is how I deal with "authority". What is he going to do, fire me? Ha! Kiss my ass or I will take my ball and go home!
This is the classic Asperger's way of dealing with so-called "authority" (snicker). A couple times I have shouted down cops who tried to give me traffic tickets: "You work for me, asshole! Go catch some criminals!" They did not give me the ticket, for they recognized how deadly serious I was. They just looked bewildered, and walked away. I am The Alpha! (and I have the intellectual authority to rub your face in it!).
And the point is not thet I am a condescending jerk. The point is thet you will receive my respect as soon as you earn it. And as long as you insist on being a word instead of a person, I will not be respecting you.
- I am a person who is worthy of others' respect and acceptance. Conceited indignance - get used to it!
This is what some people refer to as, "Asperger with the accent on the Ass." I refer to it as a God Complex-I-mean self respect. I am an "Indigo" evolutionary step above the rest of you, as proven by the fact I have Asperger's Syndrome - a form of Autism, which is a collection of Sensory Processing Disorders; i.e., my senses are literally super-human, thus proving I am superior to you. Period.
- I will find a career that is well-suited to my abilities and interests. Though it does not pay worth a damn, I liked being a Security Guard because it allowed me to be alone most of the time. It also gave me a lot of time to read, thus encouraging me to write these book reviews (I am exceptionally good at).
The difference between a Cop and a Security Guard is thet the Cop chases the bad-guys, while the Guard protects the innocent. It is my personality to take people under my wing and protect them, rather than go looking for trouble-makers. Being a Guardian Personality, I am very proud of my Asperger symptom of "Strong desire to be a mentor." This is also an expression of my dissociative symptoms; the outside world does not exist, I only take care of what is inside my protective shell.
- I will be patient with those who need time to understand me. The advantage to conceited indignance is thet I do not care if you understand me. In the mean time, I am quite capable of beating everything into the ground in my obsessive attempt to teach (with a sledge-hammer). I am profoundly beyond the concept of patience.
- I am never going to give up on myself. I never did. All those suicide-note zines I wrote had nothing to do with me (I was not physically ill, I was not mentally ill, I was not even depressed. I was awake!) - My symbolic suicide was me giving up on the rest of you. "Die - I will not notice. I am out of here!"
- I will accept myself for who I am. I always did. There was never anything wrong with me - there is something wrong with all of you. Autism is the possible next step in human evolution. Cure Neurotypicals now!
All of the above arrogant negativity is a symptom of this disorder, not necessarily a character trait. In fact I hate it when I get wound up like that. I do not like being such an abrasive "Asperger with the accent on the Ass". Thus I go for a long walk, talking constantly as my way of stimming myself to calm. Then I come back and feel ashamed thet I cannot prevent myself from feeling so negative about people, and getting so over-stimulated.
As Hans Asperger said, "You do not suffer from Asperger's Syndrome; you suffer from other people." Unfortunately, other people are Paranoid Schizophrenics who are so afraid of their own feelings they are thus afraid of mine, resulting in them becoming terrified as I (or any other Autistic) Stim themselves to calm.
The stupidest thing I have seen is an adult trying to stop an Autistic child from spinning or flapping, while saying, "Calm down - calm down!"
All children with AS have the following characteristics:
- Delayed social maturity and social reasoning. Being "born adults" and "little professors" they can be mentally and emotionally profoundly more mature than the Normals, but socially clueless.
- Immature empathy. The term "immature" does not mean childish, it means under-developed; i.e., unable to learn certain things, specifically why people feel the way they do.
- Difficulty making friends, and often teased by other children. Aspies give intellectually advanced lectures about their fixated subject, which intimidates the "little dummies" most other children are. But since making them into little dummies is the sole purpose of Democracy, they form lynch-mobs and burn the Aspie genius child as a witch. This is tragic because the Aspie desperately wants to have friends, thus explaining why they lecture at everyone about their fixated subject.
- Difficulty with communication and control of emotions. Read: literary genius who is emotionally accessible. To the Aspie all others seem like blithering illiterates terrified of intimacy.
- Unusual language abilities that include advanced vocabulary and syntax, but delayed conversational skills, unusual prosody, and a tendency to be pedantic.
Delayed conversational skills. We want to give and receive educational lectures, rather than yammer on in pointless small-talk. (see TedTalks.com. 50% Aspies). And I have always been fascinated by stop-anapestic music; i.e., "Math-rock" compositions thet are overly mathematically complicated. I also like to recite the alphabet backward because it has a complicated poetic rhythm to it.
Unusual prosody - (prosody is the patterns of rhythm in poetry, and patterns of intonation in spoken language). This the intimidated little Normals perceive as condescending-frilly poetics, when it is simply the way Aspies talk. When I lived in Tucson, some of my co-workers said, "You speak a different language than the rest of us."
Pedantic - (pedantic means excessively concerned with minor details and rules, or with displaying academic learning - thus intimidating the little dummies). Once again the Normals perceive this as condescending (they cannot keep track of that many associative details, and are simply not obsessive about amassing all there is to know about the fixated subject), when it is again simply the way Aspies talk.
- A fascination with a topic that is unusual in intensity or focus. The typical Asperger Fixated Subject.
- Difficulty maintaining attention in class. Attention Deficit Disorder, which is the inability to determine the relative difference in value between things; i.e., to the Aspie, all things are of equal value, thus they cannot determine which 1 they should focus on, resulting in them being overwhelmed by all of them at the same time.
- An unusual profile of learning abilities; i.e., genius in their own eccentric ways.
- A need for assistance with some self-help and organizational skills.
- Clumsiness in terms of gait and co-ordination; read: awkward klutz who cannot walk in a strait line nor catch a ball. But, I can sit in yoga stillness and play a monster drum-set with my eyes closed and hit every drum with exact precision, because I am not playing the drums, my body is doing it by it's self through muscle-training. I can even leave my body entirely and watch from above as it plays drums perfectly. This reiterates what was said above about unusual profile of learning abilities. I am a fucking God compared to you in specific eccentric ways, while totally Retarded at doing things most people take for granted.
- Sensitivity to specific sounds, aromas, textures, or touch. All Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders. For me it is CAPD (e.g., pain or panic reaction to certain sounds the Normals do not seem to notice), my inability to remember what I see, my aversion to being touched, gagging on vitamin pills, etc.
At the time Hans Asperger described Autistic Personality Disorder in the 1940s, another physician, Leo Kanner, described another part of what we now call "the Autism Spectrum". Leo, apparently unaware of Hans' studies, described an expression of Autism that is characterized as having very severe impairments in language, socialization, and cognition; the silent, aloof child with intellectual disabilities.
It was this expression of Autism, originally considered a form of childhood psychosis, that dominated the subsequent research and therapy literature for the next 40 years. Hans Asperger and Leo Kanner never exchanged correspondence regarding the children they were describing, although both used the term "Autism".
It was not until after Asperger's death in 1980 that renowned British psychiatrist specializing in Autism Spectrum Disorders, Lorna Wing, coined the term Asperger's Syndrome. She used the term to provide a new diagnostic category within the Autism Spectrum Leo Kanner had described. (See my review of Lorna's book, Autistic Children).
Tony mentions in passing Schizoid Personality Disorder, which is an Autistic-like behavior, without Autism symptoms, caused by a mental disorder.
Here is a brief description from the internet:
Overview.
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a psychiatric condition in which a person has a lifelong pattern of indifference toward others, and social isolation.
Symptoms:
A person with Schizoid Personality Disorder:
• Appears aloof and detached.
• Avoids social activities that involve significant contact with other people.
• Does not want or enjoy close relationships, even with family members.
Treatment:
People with this disorder rarely seek treatment, and little is known about which treatments work. Talk therapy may not be effective, because people with Schizoid Personality Disorder have difficulty relating well to others.
Causes:
Personality Disorders are patterns of behaviors and relationships that interfere with a person's life over many years.
The cause of Schizoid Personality Disorder is unknown. Estimates of it's incidence vary.
This disorder may be associated with Schizophrenia and shares many of the same risk factors. However, Schizoid Personality Disorder is not as disabling as Schizophrenia, because it does not cause hallucinations, delusions, or the complete disconnection from reality that occurs in untreated (or treatment-resistant) Schizophrenia.
Tests and Diagnosis:
People with Schizoid Personality Disorder are loners and show little interest in developing close relationships.
Prognosis:
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a chronic illness with a poor outlook. The social isolation of this disorder often prevents the person from seeking help or support that could potentially improve the outcome.
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a mental illness. Autism Spectrum Disorders are physical illness, or a physical brain malformity or injury. Also, people with SPD do not want friends. Aspergers do, sometimes desperately - they just are not able to learn how to "make friends." Also, all forms of Autism include Sensory Processing Disorders, which are the main reason Autistics cannot understand other people - their brains are not interpreting sensory input the same way Normals' do. The Schizoid does not have Sensory Processing Disorders.
While I was on the Internet I looked up the Wikipedia page for Asperger's Syndrome. It is superb and very accurate. My only suggestion is thet it should mention the GF/CF Diet as a therapy to alleviate symptoms; Autism being an intestinal injury/gut-malfunction as much as a brain-disorder.
Back to Tony's book:
The focus during the diagnostic assessment should be on current language usage rather than the history of language development; i.e., if they talk like a little professor today, they have Aspergers, whether or not they were gifted or retarded at language acquisition as toddlers.
I agree with this, as Aspergers usually have a spectacular vocabulary for their age, whereas in my case my CAPD was bad enough thet I could hardly understand language at all until I was 5 or 6. By then I had invented many Neologisms (emotional-definition words of my own), proving I was a literary genius, even though at the time I was functionally illiterate.
My (undiagnosed) Asperger father tought me to recite the alphabet backward, while my abusive mother forbid me to learn how to read or write.
My whole life long I have been famous (to my Schizophrenic family, and the vicious abusive school system) for never talking to anyone at all, even though I was then and am now clearly Hyperlexic and talk to myself constantly, without which I can hardly mentally function. I just learned very early thet it is pointless to try to communicate with the infantile, the brain-dead, and the Paranoid Schizophrenic, thus I shut up (when around them).
Tony spends a lot of time ripping to shreds the worthless DSM-IV, the official diagnostic manual for the mental, psychiatric, and medical professions. I applaud him for this. The latest DSM-IV removed Asperger's Syndrome entirely, lumping it together with PDD-NOS and Classic Autism into "Autism Spectrum Disorder". This is asinine! Aspergers, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism are 3 distinctively seperate things; and Tony makes that clear - as do I!
A diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome is almost impossible using current DSM-IV criteria.
While in conversation with a boy with AS, the listener is likely to consider the child a "little professor" who uses an advanced vocabulary for a child of that age, and is able to provide many interesting (or boring) facts. Girls with AS can sound like little philosophers, with an ability to think deeply about social situations. From an early age, girls with AS have applied their cognitive skills to analyze social interactions and are more likely than boys with AS to discuss inconsistencies in social conventions and their thoughts on social events.
This also demonstrates the Asperger gender-confusion clearly seen in me wherein I wrote many zines about anthropology, political theory, gender roles, etc - all typical Aspergirl subjects. My life-long Fixated Subject has been political theories and the cultures thet arise from them, rather than the typically AS male fixations of math, mechanics, or science, and specifically architecture and engineering.
An examination of peer relationships can be achieved by identifying the person's friends, the quality, stability, and maturity of the friendships, and their thoughts regarding the attributes of friendship.
The questions can include:
- Who are your friends?
- Why is that person your friend?
- What are the things that someone does to be friendly?
- How do you make friends?
- Why do we have friends?
- What makes a good friend?
These are very annoying questions to me, for I do not know how to answer them.
I can probably tell you what I think the Normals' "correct answer" would be, but I do not know what the real answer is.
After I thought about it for a while, I came up with this:
- Who are your friends?
I do not have any. I never did. When I was younger I thought I had friends, only to be crushed when I found out they did not actually give a damn about me. Then 20 years later they would get in touch with me again, desperate to make a friend. This happened with Dave and Mike from my old band, and with Fred M.
The movie American History X had a character in it, the leader of a neo-Nazi group who ended up in prison for killing a Black man, only to realize thet probably the best friend he ever had was the Black guy he did the prison laundry with, while the other Neo Nazi White guys in the prison (who he thought of as his friends) raped him for thinking he was too good for them.
This example demonstrates the extent of my so-called "friendships". When these people I never considered my friends would seek me out 10 years later in their attempt to establish a friendship, it would only cause me pain, frustration, anxiety, and even contempt.
It was apparent thet the only reason they considered me their friend was because they recognized after 20 years thet I had been the only person who ever gave it to them straight, admiring me for being "point-blank honest all the time"; i.e., they trusted me.
Though I felt proud of that, I also bitterly resented it, for they had never been a friend to me. And now they were trying to get me to be their friend out of sheer loneliness and desperation? My main reaction was to feel "Where the hell were you when I needed a friend?" It made me want to reject them in a cold anger.
Amy called me out of the blue 26 years after I dumped her as a so-called "friend". When she called I felt utterly nothing for nor about her. She was a sack-of-shit of a human being 26 years ago, why the hell would I acknowledge her existence now?; because she wanted a friend and recognized I had been the only trustworthy person she had ever known? Apparently. I felt utter nothingness about hanging up on her.
When I lived in Chehalis, I fell in love with an emotionally 3-year-old sociopath hypocrite named Kim because I was desperate and she was there.
As usual I had fallen in love on the phone, being a Hyperlexic Asperger it was all about word-usage; who was using the words was irrelevant - but I told her I loved it, thus her.
Because she was emotionally 3 years old, she decided thet since I had acknowledged her existence that meant I was now her boyfriend and thet we were going to get married. I had no clue she felt this, for I did not consider her my girlfriend, nor did I know she wanted to be, because she would not talk alone about something important. We only associated with each other in the context of small-talk in a group of other teenagers who would go to movies or go skating together. She considered this serious dating, when I thought we were just a bunch of relative-strangers hanging out together (to me, what we were doing together was more important than who I was doing it with).
But since this happened in Gossip HQ Washington State, she told all her relatives about "us", thus they thought she and I were engaged! I had no idea any of this was going on. But they all pretended to be my friends (very well apparently, for I believed they were in fact the best friends I ever had).
Deer in headlights me eventually figured out what the hell was going on with this infantile sociopath and her ridiculous gossip about some relationship thet never existed. I demanded thet she sit down and talk to me alone about this "us". She refused to be alone with me.
Instead she became extremely malicious in trying to provoke me into being jealous. Being an Asperger Aries I am incapable of feeling jealousy, and if I was, why would I be jealous over her? I was once again clueless.
She became very overtly angry thet she was not able to provoke me into a rage of jealousy when she talked to other guys in front of me. Why the hell should I care!
Eventually I realized she was 3 years old, and thus I dumped her. Then to my amazement and great pain, all her relatives, my so-called "best friends", turned to ice. If I was not going to marry into their Family Clan, in the Gossiping Cult of Washington State, then I was not allowed to exist in their lives; they froze me out with a spiteful contempt. I was so bewildered and shocked by this. It hurt me very much.
Then came the Mike and Dave scenario, followed by Fred M.
Another 10 years passed and by then I had realized thet the only way for me to interact with anyone was through pen-pal relationships.
I became a relative big-wig in the zine scene (Alternative Press), receiving an average of 90 pieces of mail a week. Some of those people became very intimate pen-pals, some for several years. The intimacy of some of those letters made me believe we were close friends.
Only after years of writing to each other (after which they suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth because they only considered me their "zine friend", and since they had quit the zine scene they were no longer interested in writing to me) did I realize thet I felt close to them because they were so intimate in their letters - it was all about words to me. Whereas, to them, they were only intimate with me because I was "at a safe distance" as a "mere pen-pal". I was so confused by that. So bewildered and hurt. How can they mix "safe distance" with "intimacy"? I am lost. The distance made no difference to me since I was having a relationship with the words, not necessarily the people.
Then Mike and Dave got in touch with me again, and tried to get me to be their friend, while in anxiety keeping me at an emotional distance.
So to answer the question, "Who are your friends?" I have apparently never had any.
- Why is that person your friend?
Because they talked to me.
I only think in words. I only feel in words. In fact I invent new words to express emotions I cannot otherwise put into words. Thus if someone uses words well I become very attracted to that emotionally. I sometimes even fall in love with it. It.
- What are the things that someone does to be friendly?
Truly listen on an emotional level to what I am actually saying on an emotional level.
Inevitably I came to the conclusion thet no one has ever heard a word I said and no one ever will; They always say to themselves, "What you really means is ...".
- How do you make friends?; i.e., how do I make friends?
I Pragmatic Language Disorder-ly spill my guts to startled strangers, to which they become terrified and run away.
- How do you make friends?; i.e., how do they make friends?
Mindlessly yammer on in pointless small-talk thet makes me want to punch them in the head, while collectively engaging in recreational vandalism and malicious gossip thet horrifies me.
- Why do we have friends?; i.e., why do I have friends?
I do not know why I would want to have friends. To have someone to care about, I guess.
I do feel very lonely for a child to love. I wish I could adopt a child.
- Why do we have friends?; i.e., why do they have friends?
To have someone to engage in pointless small-talk with, and use that small-talk to delude themselves they are not alone and lonely, while simultaneously using the small-talk to stave off intimacy. They are so terrified of emotional vulnerability.
- What makes a good friend?
Someone who never lies, and never betrays, with whom there are no taboo subjects.
It is all about words. If I had a girlfriend, and she had sex with someone else, I might forgive her. It would be a question of who it was with, why it happened, and whether it would happen again. But if she lied about me behind my back, or talked to others about something thet was private between us, I would hate her for it. I could feel hostile toward her over that.
I am Hyperlexia personified. Cheating on me sexually might not necessarily end the relationship, but if she cheated on me with words, that could.
What makes a good friend for me? The same thing thet makes me a good friend to others; trust. And that is where the concept of sexual fidelity comes into it; I do not really care if she has sex with someone else. What I care about is the trust sexual fidelity represents.
Children with AS can develop imaginative play, but usually as a solitary and idiosyncratic activity.
I have never known how to play with anyone; in fact it makes me feel acidy aversion when they try. Even with little kids, I feel almost a "skin crawl" anxiety type of feeling. I want to hold them, and smell them, and hug them, and sing to them, and cuddle them, but I hate playing. And when girls flirt by playing games, I just find it so irritating. And party games are horrible to me. And "adult" game-playing (as in head-games) are just anger-provoking.
When alone I still do not even play games with myself. I fantasize sometimes, about architecture and building houses, motorcycle adventure riding and mapping out routes, and designing drums sets and playing them. I suppose those creative fantasies are a form of game I play in my head. But you will note I never picture other people being involved.
Children with AS may not be interested in the activities of their peers or in making friends. They are usually more interested in understanding the physical rather than social world, and may enter the pre-school playground to explore the drainage or plumbing systems, or to search for insects or reptiles, or to gaze at the different cloud formations. The social activities of the child's peers are perceived as boring, with incomprehensible social rules. The child is content with solitude, but may be motivated to interact with adults who can answer questions beyond the knowledge of the child's peers, or seek refuge from the noisy and chaotic playground in the quiet sanctuary of the school library to read about topics such as volcanoes, meteorology, and transport systems.
This was so totally me. At the age of 6 and 7 I detested all kids in school, and played with Matchbox cars alone, with a running commentary to myself in my own invented language. I was fascinated by the games the girls played, jumprope and hand-clapping games, but was forbidden to play with girls by the sexistly segregated school. I hated all boys, 100% bullies, or otherwise too rough and competative in their play, I could not understand the point of anyway. And the very few times I even attempted to interact in a game with others, they always cheated; they would always get a resentful jeer on their face because I wanted them to play by the rules, thus proving all of them were sociopath Anarchists. My ethical superiority thus made it beneath me to play with other kids.
On the playground I always noted the scent of the cement, pavement, paint, and building materials. The sunlight was always painfully bright, which my Synesthesia made me able to hear, alternating with the irritating yellow-tinted (to me) lights inside the building. I was always irritated if anyone talked at all. I hated the moronic infant children, and (with my vague sense of physical presence) would ask the teachers what the proper names were for assorted body parts, to which they would have an anxiety attack and run away - intentionally withholding education. I desperately needed to study anatomy (I was fascinated with the butchering of animals and studying their parts) to help me get in touch with my body, thus my location in it. I always felt so lost, searching for education the teachers purposely withheld.
Instead of having my questions answered, I was abused into the extreme disociation of a multiple personality, and left my body completely several times.
By the time I was 10 I was fascinated with geology, specifically volcanoes and earthquakes, but the public school system forbid me to "waste time" on subjects like that thet were not part of their utterly useless "curriculum". The teacher teased me for being a gifted artist, thus labeling me the "weirdo" in the class of talentless imbeciles the school tried to keep dummied down. During recess I would go to the library to look through Hot Rod magazines. When the kids were sent out to play soccer, I would hide in the shadows by the building so the teachers would not force me to "play". Some girl came into the library and literally screamed at me, "You are so rude!" I had never seen her before in my life. Apparently she had tried to talk to me, but I had honestly not noticed, thus she took it personal. The constant wince I felt in the presence of any person is something I never adjusted to. I think thet even by the age of 10 I still could not hear correctly.
By the time I was 13 I felt anything associated with school was an utterly useless waste of time.
By Junior High I was stumbling around the school in total bewilderment and shock, getting an A++ in art while flunking everything else.
By 8th grade I was in perpetual state of extreme anxiety. I was actually terrified to sit in class all day. At that age the kids became especially sadistic in their (War Criminals looking for a place to happen/Stanley Milgram's Guinea Pigs) paranoia - daily lashing out in terror to deflect the focus of the lynch-mob off of themselves (onto me of course).
Junior High is where the kids would constantly poke me with a finger, saying "Why don't you talk? Why don't you talk?" with this look of soulless terror in their eyes. But if I ever did say anything (in Pragmatic Language Disorder; read: Spill my guts to startled strangers) they would cackle with anxiety and run to their cult of witch-burners and repeat what I had said to them, to which they all would laugh in trembling anxiety and outright fear at the thought of themselves being that vulnerable. They would all attack me in class, to which the sadistic "teachers" would gloat.
I will never forgive my parents for making me go to school, for all I ever learned there was how to hate. I flunked 5th grade. Then I flunked 8th grade and never went back. I would consider a GED a defilement of, and an insult to, my superior intellect.
Sometimes the Asperger child will form a friendship with a similar socially isolated child who shares the same interest, but not necessarily the diagnosis. The friendship tends to be functional and practical, exchanging items and knowledge of mutual interest, and may eventually extend to a small group of like-minded children with similar levels of social [in-]competence and [un-]popularity.
The only healthy interaction I ever had with my parents was playing music. Thus I only understood how to interact with musicians (while playing music). This of course was still a disaster because I thus judged my potential "friends" on their musical ability rather than on their quality as human beings; this led to inevitable disappointment. I resented having to use music as a vehicle to a friendship thet was never forthcoming anyway. It ruined music for me (which I otherwise loved, and was even gifted at). I eventually quit the music business because I could not stand the people. To this day I bitterly resent the irony thet musicians ruined my music career.
I felt so desperately lonely when I was in a band. The frustration I felt toward them for their inability to have an intimate friendship drove me to a rage.
This is also how I felt about sex; I eventually quit even wanting to have a sex-life because I could not (under) stand the people. To this day I bitterly resent thet women ruined my sex-life. I felt so desperately lonely when I was in love with or sexually attracted to someone. The frustration I felt toward them for their inability to have an intimate (emotionally accessible) friendship (based on word-usage) with (socially clueless) me drove me to a rage and ruined sex for me.
Now, as with sex, I fantasize about playing music alone, just because I like music. I have given up on connecting with anyone through music (romance or sex).
Tony describes a "Boasting Book" Asperger kids can carry with them and take notes in on their achievements in at least attempting to make friends. Typically Aspergian, these kids are having relationships with words not people, thus writing it down and re-reading it helps them evolve in their ability to make friends (though I can see how this could also make them further have relationships with words rather than people).
Throughout my life I apparently "kept notes" on how to avoid being sabotaged by sadists. Having abusive Schizophrenic parents and siblings, I collected lists of defense-mechanisms rather than friendship skills; and the school system was, though completely different, just as bad. My family and schools only taught me how to become invisible to avoid attack, rather than how to make friends.
And this is why I am doing these zines and book reviews and commentary. I want to help other people give Aspie kids a good life. Diagnose them early and help them learn how to make friends.
My parents were Jehovah's Witnesses who believed all people outside of their cult were "worldly" and thus "bad associations". I was thus forbidden to make friends, while inept even when I had tried. I hate them so much for this.
There can be different coping mechanisms used by girls with AS in comparison to boys. Girls are more likely to be interested observers of the social play of other girls, and to imitate their play at home using dolls and imaginary friends, or adopt the persona of the socially-adept girls. These activities can be a valuable opportunity to analyze and rehearse friendship skills.
Girls with AS can develop a special interest in reading fiction. This also provides an insight into thoughts, emotions, and social relationships. Boys can be encouraged to play with dolls, but to re-enact everyday experiences rather than movies, and to read fiction. Normal kids instinctively "play House", copying the adult roles they have witnessed in their own culture. Aspergers do not. And in my case specifically, my family were all barking mad, thus (even if I had been Normal) I had no desire to copy them at all.
I never wanted to adopt the behavior of other people, because they were all so paranoid and abusive, while I was gullible, clueless, and isolated. I never wanted to be like them. Instead I was horrified, bewildered, and a deer in headlights when around other people. Observing others in an attempt to learn how to be sociable myself seemed an oxymoron to me, for they were so anti-social (as sociopaths) as far as I could tell, and 100% of them were terrified of emotional intimacy and vulnerability - thus explaining why their every interaction consists entirely of pointless small-talk - while my every attempt to communicate consisted of me spilling my guts to startled strangers, producing in them a panic reaction.
My horrid abuser parents forbid me to "have" any material possessions. When I was 10 my sister had a doll I would play with (while terrified my parents might find out), but my play was always solitary. Even the things I would make the doll do were solitary adventure type play - usually climbing the stairs as an imaginary mountain-climber, with no actual point to it other than the mechanics of ropes and leverage. The doll would never interact with other dolls.
I always found reading fiction to be irritating, for I was especially annoyed by reading the conversations between the characters (which is the point Tony is making above).
When left to my own devices I would paint abstract pictures, or make abstract sculptures out of modeling clay, or play drums alone, obsessed with my own invented pattern recognition in all 3 subjects. I also loved going for long walks or hikes alone, talking my head off to myself. This evolved into writing obsessively while Motorcycle Adventure Riding alone.
Parents and teachers can consider friendship matchmaking, based on the child's special interest. Local parent support groups can provide the names and addresses of families, along with the special interests of the children, in order to arrange potential friendships. However, I have noted that when the shared interest ends for one partner, the friendship may also end. This is what I have mentioned many times as the difference between a friend and a companion - a companion is a person with which what you are doing together is more important than who you are doing it with, as opposed to a friend wherein who you are with is more important than what you can do together.
All my life I have tried this friendship match-making, basing the future potentiality of friendship on what we had in common; e.g., getting a bunch of musicians together, and since we could all play music, I thought that meant we could become friends. It was all a colossal mistake.
In her book The Uncharted Path (see my review), Rachel makes that point: As I have thought about why so many of my attempts to find community have not worked, I have come to see that I have made many of the same mistakes over and over. I now make a concerted effort to avoid the following errors:
- Confusing competence with intelligence.
- Ignoring my instincts and previous experience.
- Trying [obsessively] to do everything right.
- Idealizing a group, and jumping in with both feet.
The interest can also be used to facilitate friendships [with the Normals (in my dreams)]. My wife's sister has AS and an outstanding ability in art. She wrote that at school: "Longing to make friends, when someone complimented a drawing I had done, I started giving people my drawings until someone accused me of bragging - a rebuke I never forgot. I was only trying to win friendships."
It is "interesting" to me how she uses the word "win". Is making friends just an endless game of competition hoop-jumping? And if you do it too well you get accused of bragging?
The majority of the time, I do not want friends. The only time I feel really good is when I am Motorcycle Adventure Riding alone for months at a time, during which I obsessively write my brains out. As I am writing, I hope someone will read it some day, but I only feel that way when I am alone to start with.
The person with AS may also make friends with visitors to their own culture. Visitors sometimes share the same challenges integrating into a new culture as a native with AS. Though an Aspie guide may not be the best choice to help one assimilate into a new culture, it could possibly be easier for the Aspie to make friends with someone who is equally clueless as to social etiquette.
When I was in Oregon I lived in a Russian neighborhood. As a young teen I only "made friends" with the Russians because they were religiously "no part of the world" and culturally very strange. I became a "anthropologist" studying the Russians, which I was fascinated with, while utterly disinterested in learning or even acknowledging Oregon culture (100% Paranoid Schizophrenic assholes). Toward every Oregonian musician I played with I felt, "I hate you and everyone you know. Get out of my life."
Unfortunately the Russians had an extremely Communistic/Siberian culture, wherein if anyone shows up on your doorstep you are required to take them in and care for them or they will freeze to death. Thus, even in relatively-warm Oregon, they still had this culture wherein they would show up at my house, uninvited and unexpected, and just walk in without knocking and make themselves at home. They expected me to be delighted to drop everything and entertain and feed them, for that was considered polite behavior on my part in their culture. To an American this is considered very rude on their part, and to an Asperger they were absolutely infuriating! If I got angry and yelled at them to get the hell out of my house, they were left shocked, believing I was somehow making a horribly un-funny joke. They could not imagine I would be so appallingly rude as to ask them to leave.
Needless to say my attempts to maintain friendships with Russians was hopelessly short-lived.
But I did continue to get a kick out of Russians in general because they gesture wildly and have exaggerated vocal inflection. Being an Aspie, you have to exaggerate or I do not get the point. Of course my Russian vocabulary was small enough thet I could not keep up with the conversation anyway, but their exaggerated mannerisms were still fun for me to analyze.
See this video of a girl, Meytal Cohen, with exaggerated facial features making exaggerated facial expressions; she constantly wiggles her eyebrows and twitches her lips. I do not understand any of it, but really enjoy watching her; my favorite part is at 1:54 where she says Ghosts-notes are her favorite thing to do, and then her whole face twitches. I have no clue what it means, but am delighted with it none-the-less. http://maximummeytal.com. Though I could not understand much of it, I got such a kick out of watching Russians talk.
Tony speaks Australian English, thus this American English-speaker has to re-read his sentances sometimes; e.g., he continually uses the word "Tuition" when he means "Tutoring". In American English "Tuition" is the amount of money one pays the Tutor. Otherwise he is easy to understand as a writer.
Tony quotes Hans Asperger many times. I definitely want to read Hans's original book, for in these quotes he comes across as a genius.
Tony often repeats thet Autistics must learn social behavior intellectually rather than instinctively; i.e., it is not something they just "pick up" - they must be directly taught it. In my case it is merely a matter of putting everything into words, thus explaining my typically Aspergian need to talk to myself constantly. I also cannot learn by being shown pictures - I must have it explained in words.
As mentioned above about the Russians: The person with AS is almost an anthropologist conducting research on a newly discovered culture.
This is why I hated the retards at the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson. They had no desire to get better by studying the Normals's culture, they just wanted their sub-Democracy to hide in, as created by the abusive co-addict "facilitator" of the group, Dr Nichols.
I have written so many zines thet were literally anthropology.
There is a documentary film called Keep the River on Your Right; A Modern Cannibal Tale. It is about a homosexual anthropologist who spends his whole life trying to prove thet being a mentally ill pervert is normal, by discovering a culture (of stone-age "wild indian" cannibals who live in some jungle) wherein all the men are bi-sexual. He thus pathetically "proves" he was not sexually abused as a child, but "born queer", thus a "normal fag".
Thus was my Autistic behavior to some extent, wherein I loved to travel with a Utopian Vision in my head, desperate to find "my people" somewhere. I eventually gave up on that delusion, committed a huge symbolic suicide, and started studying my disorder (rather than the people who do not have it).
When a mother asks her child, "What did you do at school today?", the typical child will know what their mother already knows and what she would like to know. Children with impaired Theory Of Mind (any Autistic) may not know how to answer such a question. Does she want to know everything from the moment the child entered the classroom to the moment she left? If so the child will refuse to answer the question as it is just too difficult; or they will provide a detailed commentary of the whole day, the monolog becoming very tedious.
This is a defining characteristic of AS: The inability to recognize one must answer a question when asked. Most Aspies simply do not answer questions because it is just too difficult to figure out what the questioner actually wants to know, and because we do not care to interact with others.
Aspies have a greater allegiance to honesty and the truth than to the thoughts and feelings of others.
The first thing you are taught in public school is thet "narc" is a dirty word. They are all literally beaten into the understanding thet we must all be conscienceless sociopaths who lie to cover for, or at least consciously turn a blind eye to, the criminal in our midst. I grew up angrily yelling (at least to myself) "The truth is always right no matter who it hurts!" in enraged arrogance over my ethical superiority, for without an understanding of what the truth was I was left with no understanding at all. I desperately needed truth as the only logical reference point.
The life-long anger I feel over having a compulsive liar mother is something I refuse to get over. My hatred proves my superiority: My ethical superiority makes me a God compared to you, and you are not worthy of eating my shit. This is how I feel about LIARS! And somehow this is called a disorder? If everyone were like me, Earth would be paradise!
This level of angry ridiculous over-reaction is inevitable in an Aspie. I hate it, but I cannot help it.
Adults with AS can be renown for being honest, having a strong sense of social justice, and keeping to the rules. They strongly believe in moral and ethical principles. These are admirable qualities in life, but can cause considerable problems when the person's employer does not share the same ideals. I suspect that many "whistle-blowers" have Asperger's Syndrome. I have certainly met several who have compared company and government codes of conduct to their own, and thus could not refrain from reporting wrong-doing and corruption. They have consequently been astounded that the organizational culture have been less than supportive.
In a zine I wrote, Indigo #1, I said:
Then I went to work for Ulven. Management there were paranoid Pacifists who tip-toed around on egg-shells terrified of confronting reality (“If we all keep on our fake plastic smiley faces maybe reality will just go away.”). Thus they refused to clean house and get rid of the malicious sociopaths who were stealing tools, destroying product, lying on their time-cards every day, and even overtly trying to sabotage the company in front of OSHA inspectors.
I eventually got sick of having to listen to 30 angry men bitch all day about how much they hated their jobs, and took it upon myself to fix the problem; I called management on their crap, telling them to grow up and clean house. They were extremely intimidated by me for this.
Then I got sick of personally putting out fires in the factory 3 times (having my own house burn down 4 times made me enraged over fire-hazards, which I clearly let them know about!) and told them to fix the damn problem or I would call OSHA and shut this place down. Once again they were extremely intimidated by me for this.
In workaholic martyrdom I kept pointing out blatant OSHA violations and they became so afraid of me they “laid me off”. Then they game me $1500 severance-pay (read: hush-money).
Autism is the next step in human evolution. I am an evolutionary step above the rest of you, thus earning the label of "Indigo". I feel a combination of true pride (What is my ethical responsibility as the Savior of humanity?), and vicious spite (Kill them all!).
Of course my stint with CPS was a disaster, wherein I was angrily told I should have purposely forced a 2 year old to pee her pants, rather than risk being accused of being a child molester by taking the kid to the toilet. Child Protective Services told me to intentionally humiliate a child!
They literally roared at me in anger because I had simply relayed the information I received from a CPS kid who said they were being molested. "DO NOT MAKE US DO OUR JOB! Just shut up, stay corrupt, and let us continue to pillage another paycheck from the State treasury! CPS kids be damned!"
I feel vicious hatred toward all of you corrupt whores, for I have the moral authority to do so. I have a God Complex-I-mean Asperger's Syndrome, thus proving I am superior to you!
Another symptom of AS is, "Ruminates on bad experience past for inordinate lengths of time." Yes. But I again have the moral authority to do so. I have the Ethical right to hold a grudge.
This is all once again a ridiculous over-reaction which I hate, but cannot help but feel.
(As I am editing this otherwise finished zine, I read the above few previous paragraphs and wonder where I came up with this crap. It is partly due to me honestly recognizing my ethical superiority, thus becomming righteously angry over it, but mainly due to the Autistic necessity of feeling intense (and sometimes even extreme) emotion as a Stim. If something bothers my sense of Ethics, I become very angry over it, to the extent I feel like an Autistic melt-down is approaching, and thus intentionally (though usually unconsciously) induce in myself the most exaggerated emotion I can, to help me Stim myself to calmness again. The intentionally-provoked exaggerated anger is a tool I use as a Stim, without which I would have a raging case of bleeding colitis).
Back to the subject at hand; I suspect that many "whistle-blowers" have Asperger's Syndrome; i.e., it was inevitable I would become fascinated with Project Camelot, which consists almost entirely of interviews with secret-government whistle-blowers. Supporters of Project Camelot are referred to as "The Ground Crew"; a Revolution Of Truth based on our ethical responsibility (see Projectcamelotportal.org)
[The physical defensiveness] of Aspies might be due to very real social experiences, where if they encounter hostility from a person, any subsequent (even polite) interaction with that person would be confusing. The Aspie could make the assumption that any interaction must be intentionally hostile, while typical children would be better able to interpret the other person's intentions by the context and other social cues.
Since Autistics always have Sensory Processing Disorders, sometimes manifesting as physical hyper-sensitivities, they are already averse to touch. Then we add the fact thet Aspies spend their childhoods being slapped before the class by "teachers", and thus beaten up by the teacher's puppet-bullies. These 2 things combined creates an adult who becomes angry if anyone merely accidentally bumps into them.
In Indigo #1 I said:
- Anger at being bumped by accident.
I hate to be touched, and I stopped going to festival-type concerts because I would feel a vicious hostility toward moshers and otherwise “rude” people who touched me by accident in the crowd. Though no one ever knew it, I would have outright rage-attacks in crowds. This resulted in my utterly brain-dead family deciding I must be shy, for declining invitations to social events, thus them constantly dragging me out into public again to suffer another rage-attack in their pathetic little delusion that I needed them to help me make friends, when what I really felt was vicious hatred of humanity.
It is logical thet Autistics come to the conclusion thet all touch is hostile; i.e., my parents will never be forgiven for making me go to school, any person who believes in Democracy is outright evil, and all women have rape-fantasies and S&M fetishes.
To paraphrase Tony: For the Aspie, in trying to solve a problem it would not occur to them to ask someone who might have the answer. Instead they routinely learn on their own through trial-and-error.
I was not like that, in thet I would readily go specifically to someone who I assumed would have the answer. But to my amazement, they were usually so terrified of Democracy thet when I admitted to them thet I was ignorant, they would have a panic-attack at the mere thought of themselves admitting weakness (e.g., literally terrified to ask for directions when they are obviously lost). They would always snap into their typical Stanley Milgram's Guinea Pig mode and belligerently attack me for admitting weakness, when I had gone to (relative expert) them asking for their professional advice!
I eventually developed my hatred of Democracy (and an absolute rage over the purposeful withholding of education!), thus learning to be more like my fellow Aspies and figure it out on my own. Being more intelligent and more mature than anyone else, I went on to invent on my own the basic Political belief thet included Zen, Tao, Sufism, and Scientology (along with Communist Theory, wherein all people should be equal comrades within the context of an intellectual meritocracy, thus all people would intellectually equalize upward).
Aspies may fail to understand that they would be more likely to achieve what they want by being nice to the other person. When an argument or altercation is over, the person with AS may also show less remorse or appreciation of repair-mechanisms for other people's feelings, such as an apology.
Though it is true thet in general I do not give a damn about your pathetic runt feelings, I am able to apologize when I do something thet hurts someone and is in fact my fault, in fact in my perfectionism I am extremely hard on myself if I make a mistake; e.g., if someone is asleep on the couch, and I am not aware of it, and I come into the room talking to the cat and thus wake them up, I feel almost horrified and apologize profusely, for I intensely hate being woken up. I can empathize in that scenario, thus readily apologize.
Once I was at a petrol station filling a gas-can. I accidentally spilled about an 8th of a cup. The owner saw the spill and was very angry with me. I was horribly embarrassed, for in my physical awkwardness and Attention Deficit I had not even noticed, and so I apologize and offered to help him clean it up. But his mouse fart of an ego was demolished, thus he was almost in tears of rage. As with my every interaction with the trembling infant Normals, I was astonished by this. So I again apologized - "I am sorry, it was an accident" - and offered to clean it up myself; by then it had mostly evaporated anyway. He insisted on trying to kill himself with ego devastation, and went into the station nearly in tears, radiating a rage energy. I was by then insulted thet he insisted on being mad at me over a relatively harmless mistake I had repeatedly apologized for and even offered to fix myself. He went into the building and just sat there in egoless rage telling me he could get fined for gas-spills. A new wave of embarrassment washed over me for this, as I realized why it was such a big deal to him, and I felt very bad about almost getting him in trouble. I thus apologized again for the accident, again offered to clean it up myself (note thet he did not want to clean it up, in fact he walked away from the spill and went into the building where he sat, wanting to play the victim, thus justifying his anger toward (Saint) me as over-compensation for his egolessness). He just sat there fuming, while refusing to clean it up in hopes he would get caught, thus allowing him to make a public display of what a "victim" he was. I became angry with him for that pathetic game-playing, and yelled at him thet this was my fault, it was an accident, I have offered to clean it up myself, and he needed to grow up an accept my sincere apology, or at least accept my help in cleaning it up! He almost started crying.
I felt a flash of rage, and wanted to kill him. How dare he not accept my apology over something I was truly embarrassed about! I left before I had to beat him to death. What an utterly repulsive human being he was.
As usual I stayed mad for months about what a pathetic loser he was.
I feel such contempt toward people who want to theatrically play the victim, while simultaneously deluding themselves thet feeling fake-angry is empowering. What pathetically immature weakling morons!
Incidents like this daily beat into the ground the fact I am more intelligent and more mature than anyone else.
The comments can be interpreted as deliberately critical and hostile, but the motivation of the person with AS may have been to encourage perfection and to enlighten the other person about the error. I have seen teenagers with AS criticize the teacher in front of the whole class. The teacher's mistake can be trivial, such as an incorrect spelling, but for the young person with AS the desire to correct the mistake takes precedence over the feelings of the teacher.
This is why I think all people but me have Paranoid Schizophrenia; if I simply make a positive suggestion, their microscopic ego is devastated, and almost in tears of pain they roar "I know!", their egos so horribly wounded by my enlightening encouragement (?). WTF!
This plays into my angry belief thet all people are intentionally withholding information from me. If I ask point blank for someone to correct my imperfection, they feel anxiety and refuse to do so, because they think my feelings might be hurt by the legitimate correction I asked for!, which they think would result in me lashing out at them in self-defense; for that is what they would do in that situation, the pathetic infants.
A qualitative difference in the understanding and expression of emotions that was originally described by Hans Asperger is acknowledged in the diagnostic criteria [of today]:
DMS-IV: "Lack of social or emotional reciprocity."
ICD-10: "A failure to develop peer relationships that involve a mutual sharing of interests, activities, and emotions. The lack of socio-emotional reciprocity is expressed as an impaired or deviant response to other people's emotions; and/or lack of modulation of behavior according to the social context; and/or weak integration of social, emotional, and communicative behaviors."
Gillberg: "Socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior, and limited or inappropriate facial expressions."
Szatmari: "Difficulty sensing the feelings of others, detached from the feelings of others, limited facial expression, unable to read emotion from facial expression, and unable to give messages with the eyes."
Though as an Indigo I am profoundly good at reading people (psychically), I often miss the point socially, especially in the USA where we have the greatest racial and cultural diversity in the world - I am forever a deer in headlights searching for the reference-point.
The above list of symptoms can be explained by referring to the Asperger's Fixated Subjects, wherein the Aspie's inability to interact with people is not always due to their aversion to people, but to other people's aversion to being lectured to (at) by Professor Aspie about his Fixated Subject. Aspies desperately want to make friends, interact, and connect, they just cannot stay off the fixated subject long enough to connect with anyone on any other subjects; i.e., if you want to talk to me about your hatred of the gang-raping lynch-mob of witch-burners called majority moron rule, i.e. Democracy, then we can be friends for life. But if you want to talk about anything else, I am bored with you. And since I cannot get off the subject, you are bored with me.
I cannot explain the inappropriate facial expressions. I have no idea why my face grins like an idiot while I am relaying horrible news. I am aware of it, and want to punch my face to make it stop smiling. Most of the time my face just goes blank, or my eyes seem to be gazing off into my own world when I am talking about something thet actually excites me.
Elizabeth, the dispatcher at my day-job, is from Michigan, and was talking about how bewildered she was thet people here in this hick town (Las Cruces NM) actually make fun of her for reading. I responded by saying thet I am from Portland Oregon, and Oregon has the highest literacy rate in the USA, and Portland specifically has the highest number of people per-capita who hold active library cards, and also has the nation's largest book-store (Google "Portlandia did you read". It is a skit about Portlanders making fun of Portlanders for their smugness over their superior literacy).
But as I told her this, I turned 90 degrees away from her to face North, toward Oregon, to talk about Oregon. Elizabeth thought I had turned to face the wall thet had some posters on it, and so she looked at the posters trying to figure out how they connected to what I was saying. She looked very confused because I had inadvertently directed her attention to that wall rather than the picture in my head of a map of Oregon. My eyes were focusing internally on that map in my head (off in my own world), while she was trying to Joint Reference with me about the posters on the wall.
Joint Attention or Joint Reference is when you point at something, and so I look in the direction you are pointing to see what you are talking about. Aspergers are bad at Joint Referencing, in thet they (at least in my case) study your teeth while you are talking, rather than looking toward where your finger is pointing. Aspies also do not readily gesture about, or point to, what they are talking about. Thus Elizabeth thought I was talking about the posters.
This is just as frustrating to me as it is to the person I am talking to. They never understand what the hell I am talking about, because they are listening with their eyes rather than their ears, and I am talking about the picture in my head while oblivious to the posters on the wall I am facing (my nose literally 8 inches away from them).
Another example is when I was on duty as Security Guard at the Museums, and a co-worker, off duty, came there to hear a public lecture thet was being presented that day. She said Hi to me, and so I said Hi back. Then she said "Don't you recognize me out of my uniform?" My facial expression apparently did not register recognition, even though I had recognised her immediately.
As for A failure to develop peer relationships that involve a mutual sharing of interests, activities, and emotions, I was the sound-tech for a band called Detente Touch when they played a show at a club in Portland. It was the best show I and we ever did, and I was so exhilarated I could hardly keep from shrieking with delight. But after the show, the band all packed up their gear and left, while I packed up my gear and went home alone. I almost cried with excitement, but I also almost cried from loneliness for I wanted to excitedly squeal over what a fantastic show we just had, but no one was there to talk to. By the time I got home and got the equipment unloaded, took a shower, and was ready to go to bed, I was still so excited I could not sleep, I stayed up all night and all the next day, leaping about in excitement, talking excitedly until my voice was hoarse.
I never felt so lonely in all my life, for there was simply no one to talk to, least of all the band members themselves! The amount of emotional pain I felt in that desperate loneliness was the beginning of the end for me, resulting in my steady downward spiral to suicide (cause of death, Anomie; i.e., the inability to adjust to the culture-shock).
So, as far as I could tell, this failure to develop peer relationships was never my fault.
That was also the year I had made the conscious decision to stop torturing myself and just give up on trying to acquire a girlfriend; thus explaining why this music career meant so much to me - I had transferred my desire from women to music. Then this event happened and reinforced the fact no person will ever be involved with me. The frantic desperation of my loneliness at that time was unbearable. I developed Obsessive Personality Disorder in a attempt to be absolutely perfect in my desperation to connect with people. Unfortunately all that accomplished was to create a wider gap between literally-perfect me and the typical loser musician trash (bums, flakes, junkies, you know, "the musician type.")
I went on to over-compensate with a God Complex of rage toward them. This results in, The lack of socio-emotional reciprocity being expressed as an impaired or deviant response to other people's emotions.
I also spent my whole deer in headlights life in anxiety due to all people being what I perceived as hysterical headless chickens.
I so much hate drama-trauma Geminis, upitty Niggers, hysterical childishness (see my lecture called Do Not Just Stand There).
As for inability to read emotion from facial expression, and unable to give messages with the eyes. I can read people (psychically) exceptionally well, but not necessarily their facial expressions - especially Asians. I just have no clue.
The disturbingly blank expression on the face and in the eyes of some Autistic kids is what makes me feel such sympathy and empathy for them. I have seen a few thet gave me anxiety-attacks because their faces and eyes were so dead. But I saw another utterly dead-face-and-eyes kid who unlike most Autistics was fascinated with staring into your eyes. She was about 2 years old, and took my face in her hands and just staaaaared deeeep into my eyes. Though it was disturbing to look into her dead eyes (not just for me as an Aspie, but probably for anyone) her desire and even fixation to look into mine was fascinating to me. I wanted to be in the life of that child.
Her typical ridiculously-vain Mexican mother thought I was fussing with the child as a way of flirting with the mother, which she was very uncomfortable with (Stupid cunt, thinks all men want to fuck her. Duuuh.).
Around 65% of Aspergers develop secondary mood disorders such as Anxiety and Depression. There is also a greater risk of developing Bi-polar Disorder, and even delusional disorders, paranoia, and conduct disorders. Thus leading to, as in my case, a mis-diagnosis of Schizophrenia. I shall here repeat what was said in Indigo # 3:
Emotional problems like depression, anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder appear on Mom’s side of the genetic inheritance teeter-totter with Schizophrenia, while Asperger's and other social deficits are on Dad’s.
Some problems associated with Autism, like an aversion to meeting another’s gaze, or otherwise being oblivious to the existence of others, are in direct contrast to those found in people with Schizophrenia, who often believe they are being watched. Where children with Autism appear blind to others’ thinking and intentions, people with Schizophrenia see secret evil intention and meaning everywhere in their delusions. The idea expands on the “extreme male brain” theory of Autism.
Think of the grandiosity in Schizophrenia, how some people think they are Jesus, or Napoleon, or omnipotent, and then contrast this with the underdeveloped sense of self in Autism. In my dreams I often change sexes, or morph into a car or cat. Autistic kids often talk about themselves in third person. See my book of poetry called Exit Strategy, written from the perspective of a young woman having an abortion (I am a middle-aged man).
It has been the most infuriating thing for me to deal with, thet apparently all people but me have paranoid delusions and persecution complexes (at least from my perception as a gullible and trusting Asperger).
Schizophrenics over-compensate for their paranoia with Delusions of Grandeur, whereas Autistics have to spin themselves to even find their own location.
For teenage Aspergers, an additional mood disorder is the rule not the exception.
I had Clinical (morbid despair) Depression when I was 19 - 20 - 21. I thought of it as a Nervous Breakdown, but it could have been an actual disorder at the time.
In Indigo #1 was listed all the possible symptoms of AS, which included:
- Dysthymia.
Dysthymia is depression that is, though chronic, not as intense as Clinical Depression but is more focused.
Clinical Depression is when you are chronically depressed about everything all the time. I definitely had that in my teens.
Dysthymia is feeling horribly depressed about one specific thing every day but not all day.
Today I definitely feel a despairing depression every day about the same thing, though most of the day I feel okay. This is Dysthymia.
I clearly have this "additional mood disorder".
The extensive research of Theory of Mind skills confirm that people with AS have considerable difficulty identifying and conceptualizing the thought and feelings of other people and themselves. The interpersonal and inner world of emotions appears to be uncharted territory for people with AS. This will affect the person's ability to monitor and manage emotions within themselves and others.
This leads to Asperger Flat Effect, wherein the expected emotional response is not forthcoming - thus proving I am more emotionally mature than anyone else; when posturing punks roar in my face desperate to provoke a fight, I stare blankly, thinking, "Die. I will not notice (snicker)", or just as frequently I am a deer in headlights unable to find the reference-point in my mind for their bizarre behavior. They are not able to get from me the expected emotional response.
Women flirting with me without using spoken language also results in them not getting the expected emotional response. I either stare blankly like a deer in headlights, or I do not notice them at all.
This also leads to the alternate flash-temper, wherein the Aspie craves the feeling of intense emotion. It is almost like a Bi-polar Disorder, wherein if I go too long feeling calm, I need to feel intense anger, or at least have a good cry, as compensation for my otherwise Flat Effect.
This further proves my emotional maturity in thet my emotions are so easily accessible, which of course terrifies the little Normals who are so afraid of their own feelings they are thus afraid of mine.
This also goes with the Aspie's difficulty in reading facial expressions, and being overwhelmed by eye-contact. When other people are being emotionally expressive, I perceive them as barking mad, hysterical headless chickens, and appallingly immature. Black people "getting upitty" by being hysterical is the most disgusting thing to me - I hate hysterical Nubian goats, fake drama-trauma Geminis, and the terrified anxiety (pathetically veiled with a single thread of swaggering pomposity) of Harley Fags (desperately overcompensating for their unusually small penises).
This can all be summed up as me simply not using others as an emotional reference-point.
Tony also talks about Prosopagnosia, which is "face-blindness"; i.e., the inability to recognize people by their face, or at least difficulty reading the emotion in facial expressions. An extreme example of which was mentioned in my review of the book The Siege, wherein the Autistic child (gifted at putting puzzles together), could not put this specific puzzle together because it had a face on it and she was simply unable to recognize it as a face (Also see my review of the movie Faces In the Crowd).
Typical people have special areas of the brain that process facial information, but this seems not to be the case for people with AS, who process faces as objects and focus only on individual components of the face. This can contribute to the misinterpretation of someone's emotional expression.
I definitely have this. I study the teeth of the person who is talking (reading their lips) because I cannot understand them otherwise (which is a manifestation of CAPD); I hate talking to people on the phone because if I cannot see their mouth, then I have to ask them "What? What? What?" all through the "conversation".
I also recognize people by specific physical features, and not their overall presence as a person. I recognize almost everyone by their teeth, or otherwise an odd physical feature thet makes them unique. This is "made worse" by the Aries trait of being very attracted to the exotic (as demonstrated by my fascination with Buell motorcycles, or the fact this Swede thinks Mexican women are gorgeous, while I think White women are just boring or even ugly).
Meanwhile I declare thet I am profoundly better than anyone else at reading facial expressions, in thet the Normals often cannot tell the difference between a fear-grin and a smile; this completely amazes me, and explains why I hate television so much.
Tony also talks about Alexithymia, which is an impaired ability to identify and describe feeling states.
I definitely do not have this. I am well known for my ability to express emotion in words. Wimps even tell me (as an insult) thet I "use words as tools, but also as weapons (whimper)." Or try to insult me by calling me "a realist." And I am absolutely infuriated by what I refer to as "Illiterate hicks who cannot speak English!"; i.e., pretty much all people but me.
I also have Pragmatic Language Disorder, wherein I spilled my guts and cry to people, rather than engaging them in pointless blithering small-talk.
The degree of expression of negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, and sadness, can be extreme, and described by parents as an on/off switch set at maximum volume.
I refer to this as emotional accessibility, which terrifies the little Normals, thus proving their emotional infantilism. You people are so emotionally constipated, you eventually flip-out and kill your co-workers, while I vocally roar in my car alone every day, thus venting the emotions so I can arrive at my destination in my typical Flat Effect.
In Tucson I had a swimming pool I would stand chest deep in and kick violently, shooting all the anger energy out the bottom of my foot into the cold water. I would do that for about 15 minutes, obsessively focusing on everything thet had made me angry that day. That is all it took. I went back into the house, ate dinner, had a rum and cola which invoked a cathartic sobbing session, and I was free to sleep in peace.
Just writing that sentance makes me feel so haughty. I am so profoundly more mature than anyone else, as proven by my ability to so easily access and embrace all of my emotions.
The Aspie may be most happy when alone, or when engaged in their special interest. They may not associate happiness with people, or not know how to interact with someone who is openly happy. Sometimes the Aspie's happiness is expressed in an "immature" or unusual way, such as literally jumping for joy, or clapping their hands excitedly.
The only time I am truly happy is after 20 days alone on my motorcycle adventure rides. I definitely do not equate happiness with people, in fact one of the most infuriating things to me is when I am laughing and someone interrupts me and wants in on the joke. I consider this unbelievably rude of them, while they simply want to be social and share my happiness. It makes me feel absolutely hostile!
And when someone else is laughing, I feel embarrassed for being within ear-shot of it, and so I "gracefully bow out" so they will not be interrupted in their mirth. Meanwhile they would probably be eager to share their humor with me, delighted thet I was laughing too. But I think it would be rude of me to "eavesdrop" on their (what is to me) "private" humor.
I also do not tell jokes, and am utterly disinterested in most people's quote-unquote "sense of humor".
In several of my zines I have mentioned thet I felt giddy and jumped up and down like an excited little kid. This again is called emotional accessibility, while the rest of you get a steely-eyed, stiff upper lip, anxiety. My Paranoid Schizophrenic seething with Avarice brother is especially prone to this reaction when I am merely grinning (in what he apparently perceives as "a shit-eating grin"). And often people will tell me something like "Do not come in here grinning like a dog eating yellow jackets!" They mean this in a pleasantly teasing way, but the fact remains they are uncomfortable, not with humor, but with my exaggerated ways of displaying it (as their anuses pucker in anxiety).
I see them all as emotionally constipated and afraid to be themselves. Infants.
Aspergers may intellectualize feelings, despise emotionality in others, and describe difficulties understanding emotions such as Love.
As mentioned above (and repeatedly in many of my pubs), I think all people are hysterical headless chickens "getting upitty" over nothing due to their appalling emotional immaturity, as proven by their anxiety in the face of the giddiness and joy thet I so readily express.
This seems so contradictory to my above-mentioned roaring and raging and sobbing-session type of emotional extremes. But as Tony says: Despite their being notorious for becoming irritable over relatively trivial matters, I have noted that some adults with AS are renown for remaining calm in a crisis when typical adults would panic.
This can be described as the Flat Effect delayed reaction, wherein I appear to be dead calm in a stressful situation while the infants are freaking out, then afterward I need to roar, rage, and sob once I am alone in my car or back at home (over the hysterical morons I had to deal with, not the actual traumatic event).
This ability has been very useful for adult Aspies who have been medical staff in emergency rooms, or soldiers on active duty, wherein they stay calm in traumatic situations because these involve people the Aspie does not readily empathize with or sometimes even acknowledge in the first place. They go into an absolute rage if a dog is barking 2 blocks away, but have no problems doing Crime Scene Cleanup. Again, see my Do Not Just Stand There lecture.
The Aspie may have an unusual concept of emotions in terms of understanding that someone can have two feelings at the same time. This is apparently due to the Aspie feeling each emotion with such intensity, while alternately feeling nothing at all, thet they get confused due to them not being able to keep track of more than a few things (be they objects or emotions) at a time.
Though I understand this, it is not something I have trouble deciphering myself. Even when I am intentionally provoking a rage-attack or a sobbing-session, I do so while intellectualizing it all into the ground. There is always 2 aspects of me present in any given emotional state - the cold calculations and the raging emotions.
A normal child is crying. The Aspie is asked what should be done to comfort the crying child. A normal person would attempt to repair the crying child's emotions by saying some "magic words", or holding them. The Aspie thinks much more pragmatically, assuming the thing to do would be to hand them tissues for their tears, make them a cup of tea, or talk to them about the Aspie's fixated subject (which is what would comfort the Aspie in that situation), or simply leave the room to allow the crying person to be undisturbed (which is again what the Aspie would want in this situation).
In Tucson my next-door neighbor was crying. I asked him if I should come in and be a good listener, or go away and leave him alone. It would not have occurred to me to hold him or give him "comforting words".
Shut up and listen, or go away. Those are the things I would have wanted in that situation, so those were the only things I could think to offer.
Sometimes Aspies will suggest a hug, but when asked why that would help they reply thet they do not know, but "that is what you are supposed to do". The Asperger cares and genuinely wants the child to feel better, but emotional repair is achieved by practical action, solitude, or imitating the observed response of others.
In Indigo #1 I said:
- Have difficulty offering comfort to the distressed.
As a child I was very abused by my evil parents and siblings, all of whom today are diagnosable as Paranoid Schizophrenics. Any time I wanted to be comforting, they would attack me. Thus it is hard to determine how much of my aversion to comforting people was programmed into me by abuse, and how much is Aspergers.
Today I immediately recognize intellectually when the situation arises that someone needs to be comforted, I just feel no emotional impulse to do so. When I do give the appropriate comfort to someone, because I know it is the thing to do, I just feel utter despair, a blank dead nothing in my heart while doing it. It makes me want to cry or throw up as I am giving comfort to someone. I feel they are sucking the life out of me.
At last someone (Tony) has given me an explanation of the difference between a Fixation and an Obsession. Asperger Fixated Subject is focused on something the Aspie loves and is thus comforted by thinking about (even if obsessively). Obsessive Personality Disorder is when the focus is on something bad thet makes one uncomfortable - they hate it but cannot get it out of their head.
If this is the case, then I never had Obsessive Personality Disorder, I just had extreme Fixations.
Meanwhile Aspergers are renown for fixating on and ruminating over bad experience past for inordinate lengths of time.
The person can have intrusive memories of the traumatic event that are very difficult to block. The original event was obviously traumatic, but invasive thoughts and re-enactments will cause the person repeatedly to experience the same feelings of fear and distress. In extreme cases, this can be called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I see this in my need to intentionally provoke raging anger or sobbing grief in order to get it out of my system (I do this constantly).
This also reminds me of what I said above about Echolalia, wherein I must repeat to myself over and over what I just said, or even just gestured, in order for it to get out of my system - thus suggesting Echolalia is a form of Stim; i.e., after interacting with another person, I feel a bit of anxiety, thus I must Stim the anxiety out of me by Echolalia-ating it into the ground.
What keeps this from being labeled Obsessive Personality Disorder or Compulsive Behavior Disorder is thet it is not necessarily some bad thing I cannot get out of my head; in fact it is often a good thing, or I at least make it into a good thing by putting it all into words (I love), only then fully understanding what just happened, thus acquiring closure on the subject.
Tony presents a section about "school refusal", explaining in detail all the psychological and physical-reaction reasons for a Aspie kids to hate school.
For me it was usually intellectual. I was always horrified by how utterly stupid all people are compared to me. My hatred of school was caused by the mental anguish I felt in being surrounded by the infantile and the brain-dead.
Only as a secondary reason was my hatred of school caused by the terror-mob of Democracy bullying me 100% of the time.
I repeat thet the sole purpose of school is to teach you thet 1) "narc" is a dirty word; i.e., they are all programmed to stay silent in the presence of evil, or even lie to cover for it; and 2) all people must be dummied down into the mindless mob of War Criminals called Democracy/majority moron rule.
I honestly learned nothing whatsoever of any actual value in public school. I will never forgive my parents for making me go. It was so horrifically damaging; and what really stokes my eternal anger and resentment is thet it was a total waste of the best years of my life, when I should have been receiving an actual education, but was instead mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually beaten down every day.
I so wish I could have those 10 years back, to study what I was interested in and thus have a successful career doing what I have been fixated on my whole life long anyway. But I was outright forbidden to learn about anything I was actually interested in: Political Theory and Geology.
I hate them all so much. It would be unethical for me to forgive. No child of mine will ever set foot in public school.
While I am on the subject ... my dad tought me to recite the alphabet backwards (I have no clue why he thought that was important). Neither of my parents ever taught me anything else. In fact they did everything in their power to destroy me.
This provoked in me my absolute fixation on maintaining anger over the purposeful withholding of education.
Tony then discusses "selective mutism" which is common for some Aspie kids. He explains thet it is usually astronomical levels of anxiety thet prevents these kids from talking; i.e., they are not refusing to talk, they are simply unable to get a word to come out because they are panicking.
I remember 1 teacher with the most steely-eyed spite say to me in an antagonistic "slap my face I dare you" snotty shudder "I hate you people!"
Then of course all schools have strobing florescent lights which made me wince all day long. I still could not hear properly, thus everything was just a roaring screechy noise. All the other "students" were making noise, talking, and moving around, which was just so overwhelming to me - even when they were not overtly attacking me personally. I flunked most subjects because I was utterly incapable of learning anything in that environment. And what the child-hating "teachers" were pretending to teach was all pointless crap anyway (while forbidding me to learn Political Theory and Geology, which I probably would have been profoundly good at). My parents never taught me anything, and intentionally withheld education, thus "justifying" them spanking me with a belt for getting bad grades - while refusing to ever acknowledge thet I consistently got an A++ in art.
Hyperlexia is a symptom of AS, which I clearly have, but was never allowed to use - for me, talking relieves stress. Being forbidden by society from talking was torturous to me, but left me with no choice but to be selectively mute.
This being attacked by Paranoid Schizophrenics at home, while being drawn out to be set up and sabotaged at school, made me so desperately lonely thet by the time I was 17 and had my very first conversation I fell in love. I fell in love with the idea thet I could actually talk to someone who would actually listen.
I was 17 before I had my first conversation. That is just so pathetic.
Of course falling in love is just an over-compensation for desperate loneliness. It was just another layer of torture (I did to myself this time). What a moron I was for having romantic notions. This is another aspect of AS - the Dreamer.
Once I got old enough to take that form of love seriously (i.e., I actually (desperately) wanted a girlfriend), it was always the same sabotaging betrayal crap, in thet the only reason girls want a boyfriend is to have something to gossip to their idiot girl friends about. I was always horrified or at least appalled thet they would do that. It was again such a startling betrayal of my trust.
I have noted that young people with AS who develop signs of social phobia are more avoidant of self-criticism than the criticism of others, and have a pathological fear of making a social mistake.
This sounds really pathetic to me. They were attacked by others so much thet their egos were devastated to the extent thet now they cannot even criticize themselves. This sounds like the typical pathetic Anarchist (a chip on their shoulder in place of an ego, and a stick up their ass in place of a spine).
I am the opposite. I developed what I thought of as Obsessive Personality Disorder in my attempt to attain absolute perfection by being ridiculously critical of my self. My ego was (typically Aries) fantastically large, thus in my obsessive perfectionism I even developed a temporary God Complex (which I was relatively entitled to).
I was more like the classic Autistic, in thet most of the time I was oblivious anyone was even there, thus when they would physically strike me I would dissociate and thus remain relatively oblivious. I hated them freely, for I had the moral authority to do so. There was an arrogance to it, not a defensiveness. There was never a time when I did not feel superior to others.
I never understood why people purposely tried to provoke me into hating them. I wanted people to like me - why didn't they want others to like them? That is just so bewildering to me. Why do they purposely provoke me into hating them?
I was not afraid of making social mistakes, for I was usually not aware society existed (no matter how hard I tried to find a niche). I was 20 when I gave up on being friends with any male, and I was 27 when I gave up on trying to acquire a girlfriend. I continued to try to be friends with women, but strictly in a platonic way.
The zine scene (in the mid-90s) convinced me thet women were not capable of being true friends, not even as pen-pals. That is when I gave up completely on ever connecting with anyone.
ALL people were sociopaths. So clearly that was proven on my first day of public school (age 6) - right up to my last day in the zine scene (age 45).
I have no social anxiety at all, concerning my own social awkwardness; I am very much aware I am socially awkward, thus explaining why I do not "go out" unless necessary. But it is not due to me being afraid someone will criticize me, for I honestly do not care what they think.
I often dream of being naked in public. For Normal people this is a terrifying dream, but for me it is the opposite. I am utterly indifferent to whether or not I have clothes on, though I am very aware thet other people are uncomfortable with my nudity. I want to put clothes on out of sympathy for them (the poor pathetic infants), not out of embarrassment in myself.
I love this saying: "Rejoice when you are attacked, for it proves they do not consider you to be one of them." I see all people as a mindless lynch-mob of egoless sheep.
Since my every experience with touch was abusive, I no longer want to be touched. Since my every experience with friendship was abusive, I no longer want friends. I have no fear of them at all. I just do not give a damn.
This is why I love kids. They are these little sponges who need to be loved. They love to be held and cuddled, and are eager to receive such, while offering little affection in return. I love them, for they allow me to express my tenderness and affection, without them backhandedly touching me in the adult Normal's brutal expressions of quote-unquote "sexuality".
Typical people are better at, and more confident about, disclosing feelings and knowing that another person may provide a more objective opinion and act as an emotional restorative. Family and friends of a typical person may be able to temporarily halt, and to a certain extent alleviate, the mood by words and gestures of reassurance and affection. They may be able to distract the person who is depressed by initiating enjoyable experiences, or using humor.
These emotional-rescue strategies are less effective for people with AS, who try to solve personal and practical problems by themselves, and for whom affection and compassion may not be as effective an emotional restorative.
When I am deeply upset, the last thing I want is someone fussing with me.
From my experience I have found thet typical people are terrified of "disclosing feelings". This explains why they all panic when I talk. All people do this compulsive pre-emptive strike of mean teasing, sarcastic joking, or at least a steady stream of anxiety-filled small-talk, to keep people (or at least me) at a "safe distance".
It is true thet Aspergers need to be alone to sort out their feelings without the irritating distraction of other people. But even if Aspies do want a hug or a sympathetic word, they do not know how to get them.
When I was working myself to death in Alaska, I felt my soul was dissipating (I was on the verge of tears from sheer physical exhaustion) by working 17 hour days with never a day off. Once every week the mail would come into the factory, and I always referred to those letters from zine pen-pals as "emotional support". It was words to read. Words alone are emotional support to me. It is irrelevant who wrote them or what they say.
Eventually these pen-pals dropped off the face of the Earth because they were never my friends in the first place.
This explains why I eventually discovered thet for me motorcycle adventure riding (alone) was the ultimate "emotional rescue strategy" for me, during which I wrote voraciously. I would always come back from those trips a changed person; i.e., I was emotionally restored only by being alone, writing.
I used to say to myself back in my early 20s: "I do not need anything good to happen - I just need the bad things to stop." This due to my ability to emotionally self-regenerate (alone) so well.
When something bad happens, the Normals always say, "There there, everything is going to be all right." This blatant lie will anger an Asperger, for they are more aware it is a lie than they are aware thet the Normal is simply trying to comfort them. Through this the Aspie learns to reject comforting, and even the people who would attempt to administer comfort. A superficial hug, or a blatant (even if "white") lie to make one "feel better" are confusing ideas to the intellectually analytical Aspie who would rather work out their feelings on their own.
Due to delayed Theory of Mind abilities, the Aspie may assume that the other person feels a reciprocal level of love, and may persistently follow around and try to talk to the other person. This can even result in accusations of stalking.
Though I do have the tendency to fall back into "assuming prior knowledge" (I still occasionally think thet because I know something that means you know it too), which could become like what Tony is describing above (because I love you that means you love me back), I have never actually been that bad with Theory of Mind about emotionally-intense issues. I would occasionally assume prior knowledge, but usually knew in advance thet no one understands me and never will. I always knew the girls I loved did not love me back; though I never did understand why, because of my bad Theory of Mind ability made it practically impossible to understand what the hell was going on with them (see what I said above about: When I lived in Chehalis, I fell in love with an emotionally 3-year-old sociopath hypocrite named Kim because I was desperate and she was there.)
Who the hell are these people! What planet is this!
I had a recording project, engineering a guy named Mark. Mark was friends with Collin and Marty, not with me, I was just his recording engineer. After we finished his recording, I dubbed off some extra copies for his friends. Since Collin and Marty lived along my route home, I told Mark I would drop off a copy to them. He was grateful for my generosity.
I got to Collin and Marty's house and gave them a copy of the tape. Being Hyperlexic, I obviously wanted to talk my head off about Mark's project, but their reaction was to exaggerate resentful sneers and tell me "You need to get some friends, Chryssie." I was a total deer in headlights.
They (in sneering resentment over how I was trying to get a piece of them) apparently thought I was trying to buy their "friendship" with this tape (!), when I thought I was just doing Mark a favor. WTF!
Anyway, this is an example of bad Theory of Mind, wherein I am unable to understand what is going on in other people's heads. To me it seems like they are all simply crazy (in this case they were resentful victims because I was trying to force them to be a abused prostitutes, bought with Mark's tape, when in my mind I was just delivering the mail!).
The education program on love and relationships needs to include an explanation of why typical people like affection and how it helps them; how to express that you like someone, and how to know when they like you; and how to achieve compromise between the level of affection enjoyed by a person with AS and the level expected by family and friends.
Of course, this type of thing is never mentioned in public school, nor do parents talk about such things with their kids. My parents were not only useless on these subjects, but horribly damaging. As a child I was terrified to get physically anywhere near my parents. In my whole life, I think I have hugged my dad maybe 3 times. And the same for my mom. And I do not recall having any physical interaction with my siblings at all, other than my 3 sisters slapping the face of my multiple while/because she screamed (I only know of this because they told me). Today I want nothing to do with them.
If one of them sits next to me on a couch, and accidentally touch me, I hate it and immediately pull away. Of course I do that with all people; but the point is, because of how horrible my family was, I have no sane reference-point on how to physically interact with people. I feel uncomfortable sitting in a chair someone else just got out of, because I can feel their body-heat in the chair. Thus, physically, I have had to make it up as I went along.
After 49 years, I have come to the conclusion thet all women have rape fantasies and S&M fetishes - they all like to be "man-handled", which would be painful to me. They actually get angry if I am gentle with them! (I am speaking of sex here).
When I lived in Tucson, one of my neighbors got a crush on me. She tried to seduce me with all the typically female visually-demonstrative (thus useless on me) ways. Eventually she invited herself to my house, asking if she could come over. "Come over" of course means fuck. I told her to come over the following day and I would make her dinner (me thinking this would be a romantic introduction and give us a chance to talk - words meaning everything to me). But because I did not want her pussy on the spot, she felt rejected, when I thought I was doing the correct thing to make this date happen.
She, like all women, did not want a date, she wanted a fucking. But I do not know what fucking is for. What does she want afterward? I have no way of figuring that out! That is why I must have a long conversation first, so we can both get on the same page, which women are not capable of, the blithering illiterates (they talk with their eyes, which I cannot decipher, while yacking constantly but saying nothing).
Tony writes in Australian English. This is not a real problem, but is a mild annoyance in thet I occasionally have to read sentances a few times before I understand what he means.
Tony talks about arranging a series of facial-expressions on a board to help the Aspie understand what such expressions mean. A version of this was enacted in the movie Temple Grandin, where photographs of Temple's own face were used as the models for her to learn from.
Unlike most Aspies, I am exceptionally good at recognizing facial expressions and what they mean, I just do not understand why they would feel that way (inability to empathize) in that situation.
Tony helped create The CAT-kit, which is a tool to use with Aspie kids to help them understand interpersonal relationships (see www.cat-kit.com).
Tony occasionally quotes Temple Grandin, which I strongly approve of.
Key points and strategies:
- A quantitative difference in the understanding and expressing of emotion is acknowledged in the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrome; i.e., having difficulty expressing or understanding emotions, both your own and those of others, is a symptom of AS.
It is so hard for me to recognize which of my problems with expressing emotion is caused by AS and which is caused by my horrible up-bringing. My Paranoid Schizophrenic Gemini parents, and even my siblings, were all terrified of any expression of emotion, thus I had no sane reference-point of how emotions should be normally expressed or to whom. The only one I have ever been truly open with in blatant Pragmatic Language Disorder honesty is this word processor. Thus explaining why the things from it I publish receive such vicious hate-mail from terrified weaklings. I quit the Alternative Press (Zine Scene) when I developed the attitude thet all members of it would pee their pants and cry for mommy at the mere sight of my un-opened zines. I quit in an attitude of condescending contempt.
- The emotional maturity of children with AS is usually at least 3 years behind that of their peers.
I am not aware of this. I think Aspie's ability to express themselves emotionally is retarded, due to their inability to understand social graces. Their child-like (not child-ish) impulsive expression does not suggest to me thet they are emotionally immature for their age.
The Trio-rhythm is a cycle like a roller-coaster thet flows through time. The day you were born on is recorded on the Trio-rhythm chart just as is your Astrology sign. I was born at the hight of the cycle, thus I was born an "emotional adult"; i.e., all my life I have been more emotionally mature than anyone else.
Though it may have been obvious at times thet I had a socially-retarded (not emotionally-immature) way of expressing myself, I can easily blame my parents and the vicious school system for this more readily than I could blame AS. In fact, though I was socially inappropriate for the culture I was born into at expressing my emotions, I believe even these types of expressions were actual proof of my emotional maturity.
Meanwhile, it is so easy for me to recognize how appallingly immature most people are compared to me, be they Aspie or Normal.
Aspie kids are known for being Little Professors with adult vocabularies and often the belief thet they were born adults.
- There can be a limited vocabulary used to describe emotions, and a lack of subtlety and variety in emotional expression.
I am aware I use anger to express almost anything I feel. I have a very forceful manner, even when I am happy; i.e., if I am giddy and excited in joy, I express it in a way thet makes the Normals at least uncomfortable. This spontaneous jumping up and down like an excited little kid expression of happiness is profoundly more mature than the clenched anus, stiff upper lip, superficial cool of the so-called "adults" who idealize the concept of "Just chill", and thus have an anxiety-attack when I am openly happy. I pity them for their obvious emotional immaturity.
- There is an association between AS and the development of an additional or secondary mood disorder, including depression, anxiety, and problems with anger-management, and communication of love and affection.
I recognize this in myself, in thet in my late teens and early 20s I was clinically depressed, and suffered from extreme anxiety most of my life.
As for anger, I think I am profoundly mature in my ability to express my anger in words. "Cathartic writing" is an especially mature way to confront and resolve anger issues. Also, all Aspies intellectualize their every feeling, thus making them unable to keep up with conversations with the Normals, who cycle through so many emotions so fast. Aspies may have to stop and figure out an intellectual description of why this emotion is being felt and expressed before they can feel it themselves. I have to word and re-word my every thought and feeling and then say them out loud to myself before I can keep track of what I am even feeling myself; forget reading the emotions of other people (See my The Grieving Process lecture).
- About 25% of adults with AS also have the clear clinical signs of Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder.
I am annoyed when people combine those 2 different disorders into 1 label. Obsessive Personality Disorder is when you cannot get a subject out of your head, even if it is a subject you hate it. Compulsive Behavior Disorder is when you cannot stop washing your hands 50 times a day. Obsession is your fixation on a subject. Compulsion is your fixation on an action.
I had extreme fixations, thet were almost as bad as Obsessive Personality Disorder, for many years, but I never had Compulsive Behavior Disorder.
Stop combining them both into 1 label called "Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder". They are 2 different disorders thet are (at least in my case) not related!
When an Autistic Stims, by spinning or flapping for example, this may appear to be Compulsive Behavior Disorder, but it is not. They do not do it because they cannot help it - they do it intentionally because it calms their over-stimulated state.
- 1 in 3 Aspergers will develop Clinical Depression.
- When problems with the expression of anger occur, the person with AS and their family members are very keen to reduce the frequency, intensity, and consequence of the anger.
This suggests thet the rage-attack is as disturbing to the Aspie as it is to those around them. I contain myself very well when around people; e.g., I am a superb Security Guard because no one can push my buttons (Flat Effect). But having to actually participate in a group interaction drives me to a rage (vented a half hour later while I am alone).
- A person with AS may enjoy a very brief and low-intensity expression of affection, but become confused or overwhelmed when greater levels of expression are experienced or expected.
90% of the time I want no people around me at all, and feel anxiety at the mere thought of being touched. But when I do want affection, I want it to be very tender and gentle with meaningful expression of words (you have to talk!), which apparently no one is capable of. The last time I attempted to have actual sex with someone, she said, "Do not talk to me, you are ruining it." This is the ultimate turn-off for a Hyperlexic Aspie, and absolutely the last straw for me and sex.
I definitely feel overwhelmed by "greater levels of expression" (from brutal perverts; i.e., anyone with the mental illness called X chromosome).
And when speaking of sex specifically, whoever said women want long foreplay and long afterglow was barking mad.
I love little kids because they want to be held and cuddled for 5 minutes, then they get bored and want to go do something else. Perfect.
Pornography is too concentrated and intense; it is clearly designed for people who have Addictive Personality Disorder, and meanwhile makes me wince - it is too visually overstimulating
- The primary treatment for mood disorders is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).
Here is a very brief description:
CBT is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this is that we can change the way we think, to make ourselves feel and act better, even if the situation does not change.
- The emotional management for children and adults with AS can be conceptualized as a problem with energy management, namely an excessive amount of emotional energy and difficulty controlling and releasing the energy constructively.
All through those years of Clinical Depression, I would also almost daily have what I termed a "power surge", where if I did not get it out of me I would feel like I was going to physically explode. I found taking a scalding hot shower would exhaust my body and thus relieve me of the excess energy.
I mention this in my review of Temple Grandin's book Emergence:
Researchers believe that Autistic children have a hyper-active nervous system, and hyper-active children have a slow nervous system. Thus the Autistic child self-stimulates to calm himself, and the hyper-active child is excessively active because he is trying to stimulate an under-aroused nervous system.
I love cold weather, but also love hot-springs, especially the 2 combined; sitting neck-deep in scalding water with my hair frozen solid. These contrasting physical extremes actually calm me. I sleep so very soundly after such extreme stimulation.
My favorite thing is motorcycle adventure riding, which is very exciting, a constant physical and visual workout. Though I am Autistic, these come across as hyper-active traits. The difference is I am doing these things to calm myself, whereas hyper-active people do it to stimulate themselves; i.e., if I sit still for too long, I get mean, and want to smash things up. Temple, who was extremely hyper-sensitive, was originally violent and destructive to calm herself - then she invented her squeeze machine (which puts her into a nearly drooling relaxation).
In these scenarios parents and teacher usually try to make the Autistic "calm down" by taking away the thing thet actually calms them, thus winding them up even worse; and try to make the hyper-active child calm down, which makes them feel dead.
The Autistic feels an excess of energy, and thus Stims (sometimes violently) to relieve the energy build-up. An excellent example of this is the scene in the movie Temple Grandin where she has the melt-down and runs to the cattle squeeze machine to calm herself. She got so wound up, resulting in a "power surge" thet she knew she had to calm. The power surge was not about any specific emotion, it was simply an abnormal reaction created by the mental anguish of not being able to find the reference-point in her mind to explain what the hell was going on.
My description of this was "the office scenario", wherein I had my version of a melt-down because I could not keep track of the amount of signals going on between people in a busy office, resulting in me roaring in anger in my car on the way home. There was no specific emotion provoked by the office scenario, it just generated an excess of energy in me, I vented through my use of anger. The emotion of anger had nothing to do with it, it is just the emotion I chose to use as a tool to release the excess energy. Temple's tool is a squeeze machine. My tool is roaring.
- The strategy of the Emotional Toolbox is to identify different types of tools to fix the problems associated with negative emotions, especially anxiety, anger, and sadness.
The only thing I have to add to that is thet I do not believe there is a such thing as bad emotions, there are only bad actions. In my case, roaring anger is the tool I use to keep me calm! That sounds like an oxymoron, but it is true, and not any weirder than Temple squishing herself in a machine.
My sister-in-law has AS, and in her biography she wrote:
It is easy to bestow love onto objects rather than people because although they cannot love back they cannot rebuke either. It is a very safe form of idolization where no one can get hurt.
I am not afraid of getting hurt by people, I just got sick of it. I was able to transfer my "affections" from women, to music, to publishing, to motorcycle adventure riding, to becoming an expert on Autism, while writing-writing constantly through-out the changes.
At the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson we got onto the subject of MP3 players being our "significant others", in thet listening to specific sets of music if not alleviated at least partly compensated for the loneliness over having no love lives. The iTunes program in my computer is definitely 1 of my most prized possessions, for it conjures the emotional states I choose, or dispels the ones I am having but want to be rid of. Also it is the only thing I can use as background sound to block out unwanted noise; what genre of music it is is irrelevant in that scenario, as long as it is songs I chose myself.
This reiterates what I said before about me not needing any good things to happen, I just need the bad ones to stop; i.e., I (and any Aspie) am profoundly good at self-re-generating. In fact having people around trying to comfort me is extremely irritating.
Tony quotes from many Aspie's biographies, interjecting as many perspectives as possible. I applaud him for this, for my own zines are famous for incorporating multiple, often intentionally contradictory points of view to get people to think, rather than tell them what to think.
The Aspie can accumulate an encyclopedic knowledge of facts. "Facts are important to us because they secure us in what is otherwise a very unstable world. Hard cold facts give comfort and security." But the facts can be eccentric, such as registration numbers of all the radio transmitters in a country.
The fixated subject can also change over time. When I transfer my "affections" from 1 subject to another, it does not really matter what that subject is. Though my list mentioned above are all things I truly loved, it could just as well have been fixations on toilet design or vacuum cleaners.
It is not at all like hoarding information out of paranoia. To be afraid of the outside world, we would have to acknowledge it's existence, which is not very likely for an Autistic. The encyclopedic collection of knowledge has nothing to do with the outside world. It is something we enjoy for it's own sake.
The child's encyclopedic knowledge can become quite remarkable and he can be perceived as a Little Professor, eager to read about the interest, ask adults questions related to the interest, and instruct peers about the interest (in a manner resembling a teacher). There is the impression thet the child is a genius, but the teachers note that though the child's attention-span and attention to detail are quite impressive when engaged in the special interest, the same degree of motivation, attention, and ability are conspicuously absent when the child is engaged in other classroom activities, especially those that would be of interest to his peers [reiterating my point thet the outside world has nothing to do with it - leading to (at least in my case) the inability to feel paranoid, which in turn results in the gullibly-trusting social deer in headlights].
An adult with an intense interest in literature can lead to reading popular psychology books that provide practical and much-needed advice on relationships. Liane Holliday Willey, who has AS, and whose academic career has been based upon her love of language, has found that by reading books on normal child development she has been better able to understand her own children. When presented with a problem, Aspies seek knowledge when their own intuition is unreliable [whereas the Normals all Democratically dummy-down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule, wherein they say "Do not bother me with the facts, my mind is made up" (for them by the sheep herd who's mass-delusion they mindlessly follow); i.e., the Normals use their intuition to decipher what other people think of them, rather than seek out "comforting cold hard facts" to give them an intellectual reference-point based on reality.].
One of my clients is a very successful musician. He is an extremely nervous and shy person. During his high-school years he would return home from school, mentally exhausted and agitated, and would retreat to his bedroom and listen to music. His special interest became the music of a specific year, before he was born. Listening to music was his form of relaxation, but he also developed the ability to express his thought and feelings in the creation of original music that was more eloquent and effective than his ability to communicate using conversational speech. With the formation of his band, his songs became very popular and he toured the world. I asked him how, as such a shy person, he coped with performing in front of tens of thousands of people. He said, "My music protects me." But when the music stops, he has to exit the stage as fast as he can.
In Indigo #4 I quoted David Byrne:
"When I began making music professionally, I was an extremely shy person, very socially inhibited. I had Aspergers."
He used music as a tool to outgrow the affliction. "I thought of it [music] really like a hammer or a pair of pliers."
Note: I have no idea if David Byrne is the client Tony is talking about, but you see this same story told over and over in the music business. Specifically with Ladyhawke and Gary Numan, both of whom have Aspergers, are socially very awkward, but very successful with their music.
I also suspect Bjork and Suzanne Vega have Aspergers, as does Stephen Stills. Stephen said, "I am sure there is a genetic predisposition. As I observe these kids [such as his own, who is Autistic], I recognize a lot of myself from my own behavior, and the kind of things thet made me a musician who puts a guitar between me and the rest of the world."
Another Aspie said, "When I feel tangled and tense, I get out my history of architecture and design books and set my eyes on the kinds of spaces and arenas that make sense to me. When I feel blighted by too many pragmatic mistakes and missed communications, I find my home-design software programs and set about building a perfect-sense home."
All through my late 30s and early 40s I spent every night laying in bed waiting to fall asleep designing houses, motorcycles, and drum sets. It is all about parts of things, their careful integration and arrangement. It settles my brain into relative order, thus allowing me to sleep. If I did not do that, my mind would race in Attention Deficit for hours, going nowhere, leaving me to pound my skull and yell "Shut up! Shut up! I want to go to sleep!"
See Autistic Jessica Park's detailed geometric paintings which she apparently creates as a Stim (www.JessicaPark.com).
Those with AS have a natural ability to determine the function of objects, and an innate interest in what physically influences life.
Aspies often say how the special interest dominates their thinking and how difficult it is to stop part-way through the thought or activity and to do something else. Once the person has started, there is a compulsion for completion. They cannot be interrupted or distracted, or close the thought before the natural conclusion.
Then you take it a step further, and have difficulty recognizing when the job is finished, resulting in obsessively beating everything into the ground. This also manifests as the typically Autistic inability to multi-task; 1 thing must be finished before another can be started.
A work portfolio of examples of their abilities and knowledge can compensate for their difficulties with the social skills required in a job-interview. The problem with that is thet most people are illiterate, and thus unable to read my resume, or intimidated by my writing style.
A professor with AS wrote to me saying: "The best thing about academia is that we get paid to talk about our favorite topic, and students take notes and feed back our words of wisdom at exams."
The Aspie seems to have a different time perception when talking about their special interest, and needs to become aware of how long the monologue has dominated the conversation. As previously noted, Time goes quickly when one is having fun.
When I am talking to someone I cane sometimes become pure words and do not even see them.
The Aspie's fixated subject may include collecting as many different examples of that thing as possible. I am not really a collector (of anything other than information), but I do love architecture, drums, and motorcycles. But I never want just 1 of any of those things. If I was independently wealthy (money was no object), I would have probably 4 houses, each in a different State, and each completely different from the other. In each of those houses I would have a very nice recording studio, each completely different from the other, and each containing everything for each of 4 incarnations of my dream band. Each studio would have entirely different arrangements of instruments - me being a drummer, I am especially keen on designing each of these perfect drums sets, each 1 completely different from the others.
I would also have at least 4 motorcycles, each completely different from the others.
Today I cannot afford these things, but I still like to collect music. There is good music, and there is bad music - I like the good music; i.e., there is no specific genre I prefer, I like collecting as many different examples of good music as I can.
I really doubt Terri Bozzio has AS, but he does have a mind-boggling drum set. In his case, he is not collecting as many examples of drum sets as he can, he just has everything but the kitchen sink in 1 massive drum set. Google "Terry Bozzio's drum set", and gasp (11 pedals for his left foot - 7 for his right). I feel giddy looking at all those parts of things (me being a drummer is not the point).
Anyway, it has nothing to do with amassing material possessions! My house has burned down 4 times, thus teaching me to place no value on anything thet can burn. Also, I would not be competing with anyone, I would only have what I want for me (and my creative endeavors). I would probably only have my 1 current car, and live a simple life (being unable to multi-task, it would have to be).
For me my main fixated subject was Political Theory, but I did not even have books on the subject thet I collected. I just made it up!
Tony quotes Hans Asperger himself:
"It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of Autism is essential. For success, the necessary ingredient may be an ability to turn away from the everyday world, from the simply practical, and ability to re-think a subject with originality so as to create in new untrodden ways, with all abilities canalized into one speciality."
Again Tony justifiably bashes the DSM-IV: The accompanying text to the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-IV refers to the way in which the language may be abnormal in terms of the individual's preoccupation with certain topics, verbosity, and failure to appreciate and utilize conventional rules of conversation, and the fact that the child may have a vocabulary that would be typical of an adult. Unfortunately, these characteristics are not included in the DSM-IV criteria! In my opinion, unusual language abilities are an essential characteristic of AS and should be included in future revisions of the DSM.
Formal assessment, using tests such as the Clinical Evaluation of Language Fundamentals IV, can indicate problems with receptive language abilities, especially specific aspects of language comprehension such as understanding figures of speech and the interpretation, recall, and execution of increasingly complex oral directions.
This may explain a problem that is often reported by parents and teachers, namely that an AS child can say quite complex sentances, but is confused when adults ask them to complete a sequence of requests that should be understood by a typical child of the same age; i.e., their tendency to use complex sentances does not mean they can understand complex instructions.
Here is a brief description of the above-mentioned test:
The CELF-4 is an individually administered language test that evaluates a student’s general language ability and determines if a language disorder is present. If a language disorder is identified, further in-depth testing provides information about the nature of the disorder, language strengths and weaknesses, language content, and language modalities.
One of the interesting language abilities of Aspies is that they may have difficulty explaining a significant emotional event by talking about it in a face-to-face conversation, yet show eloquence and insight expressing their inner thoughts and emotions by typing in a diary on a computer.
This is me totally. I have often said thet I am an excellent writer but a terrible speaker. I only succeeded at reciting 3 poems at a poetry reading because I had practiced reading them over and over for weeks before the performance (whereas it only took me 3 hours to write them).
Otherwise, I am a literary genius (who detests talking to people). I can however talk to myself with tremendous eloquence, because in my Echolalia I cannot help but repeat what I have said over and over, polishing it to perfection.
The child can sometimes speak like a Little Professor and entrance someone with a well-rehearsed monologue on a favorite topic. However, when this characteristic occurs in an adolescent it can be a contributing factor for social exclusion; i.e., what gets them admiration as a (Little Professor) small child, gets them irritated rejection as a (know-it-all) teenager.
There can be a natural curiosity about the physical world and how things work, and a tendency to ask intelligent questions and provide fascinating facts. I enjoy the intellectual exchange of information when engaged in a conversation with Aspies, and have found that such individuals whose knowledge exceeds mine can be remarkably patient in explaining particular concepts - very important when assisting me with a computer problem, or preventing me from having an emotional meltdown.
When your Autistic kid is tantrumming, spinning, and flapping, they are demonstrating how "the master" deals with stress. It is the Normals who keep a clenching anus and stiff upper lip, deluding themselves they are "oh-so mature", then 1 day flip out and kill their co-workers. No Autistic had road-rage. It is the rest of you inferiors-I-mean-Normals who do that.
The child's articulation can be age-appropriate but can be unusual in being almost over-precise. The word may be pronounced as it is written rather than how it is spoken (pronouncing "iron" the way it is spelled); i.e., they learn language by reading, not listening. There may be stress on specific syllables that changes the expected pronunciation. Meanwhile young Aspies may pronounce the word with the accent of the person from whom they first heard it. This explains the tendency for some young Aspies in the UK or Australia to speak with an American accent. Their vocabulary and pronunciation was developed by watching American TV shows rather than talking to local people, and especially by watching cartoons or Hollywood movies thet use American actors. This can be quite conspicuous when family members have a local accent, but the Aspie child talks as though they are a foreigner.
In my case, my pronunciation of words will change to adopt the accent of whomever I am with. I used to live in a Russian neighborhood, and thus people often asked me what my accent was. It was Russian, though I was not aware I had picked it up.
One of my favorite Aspies is Bjork, she has homes in Spain, England, and Iceland. In all of her interviews she speaks English, but if she is being interviewed in Spain she has a Spanish accent, if she is interviewed in England she has an English accent, and if she is interviewed in Iceland she has an Icelandic accent. As an Aspie myself, I find that very entertaining.
Watching actors like Kate Winslet, who is English, play an American character, speaking with a perfect American accent; watching Claire Danes play Temple Grandin, and speaking with Temple's accent, is so interesting to me. These professional actors use voice-coaches to practice acquiring the accent of the character they are playing.
It is fascinating to me thet some Aspie kids will learn the word for the first time from someone who pronounces it a specific way, and thus pronounce it that way their whole life long, even if their own family and community never pronounce it that way.
I definitely have an Oregon accent, but when I say the word "Idaho" I intentionally pronounce it with an Idaho accent, because that is how it is pronounced!
Sometimes the sound or meaning of a particular word provokes great laughter or giggling in the Aspie child. They may repeatedly say the word aloud and laugh, with no intention of sharing the enjoyment or explaining why it is so fascinating or funny. The humor is idiosyncratic to the child, and can be very puzzling to a teacher or parent.
As I said above, it irritates me greatly when someone wants in on the joke I am laughing to myself about.
This ability to provide a novel perspective on language is fascinating, and one of the endearing and genuinely creative aspects of AS. This "lateral thinking" that produces such novel words, phrases, and descriptions should be encouraged and incorporated into their own writing.
I used to often use the term "upon occasion" to mean "once in a while" or "every so often". It seems obvious to me, but so many people were unable to understand what the (to them) apparent single word "uponnoccasion" meant. They were constantly asking me what I meant by that, and dozens of other terms I regularly use, such as "i.e.".
JABBERWOCKY
by Lewis Carroll
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand
Long time the manxome foe he sought
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Do you have to wonder if Lewis was an Asperger?
As a kid I took the words Frabjous and transposed it into Frubius, which meant (to me) giddily delightful.
Here is one of my experimental pieces from Leech Map #14:
It has no meaning, again.
Beguile embody suffer partake subsist propose.
There, as a place, does not exist.
Though exists community upkeep fresh these days.
In comparison to bluff encompass taste indulge,
ebb shall parish in the Inn,
And chronicle annals concerning irrelevant humanity.
This and there, as places, do not exist.
Agent resources par, propose frequency,
and comprise new taste indulge.
To not subsist repeated cycle in new format.
This does not exist, again.
Though does their prime initial stint this cycle.
Hence construe no rationale why objects once again subsist inept.
Blithers defenseless alarmed milksop.
Do you have to wonder if Chryssie is an Asperger?
Also see non-verbal Peyton Goddard's blog wherein her every sentance is written like that. http://www.peytongoddard.com
Although there can be positive qualities in the profile of linguistic skills, there are specific difficulties. The most conspicuous is the inability to modify language according to social context.
This is called Pragmatic Language Disorder, which I definitely have. Though I am glad to say I have become more aware of it over these last few years (since discovering my diagnosis, from which I learned what I was doing wrong) thus gaining the ability to (at least somewhat) edit and re-write what I am about to say before I say it.
The GF/CF Diet has alleviated (at least to some extent) my anxious impulsiveness, which also helps keep my overt use of language (tactlessness) in check.
Conversation with an Aspie can include moments when there appears to be a breakdown in the communication transmission. The person is in deep thought, deciding what to say, and to ensure total concentration, avoids looking at the face of the other person. Unfortunately the loss of conversational momentum and eye-contact can be confusing to the other person, who expects an immediate response and is unsure whether to interrupt the Aspie to re-establish the dialog. I usually wait patiently, knowing that Aspies prefer not to be interrupted, as an interruption can cause them to have to start the whole thinking process again.
This is so very me.
For literary genius me to deliver a perfect sentance, I have to stop several times during the conversation to find the words I want to use. So in the middle of a sentance I will stop and have to search the files in my mind for the correct word (as my mouth drops open and my eyes glaze over - at least from the perspective of the Normal I am "talking to"), thus resulting in them losing the cadence of the conversation; to me, it is they who lost the cadence, not me. Thus they are at least confused, or think I just abruptly ended the conversation for no apparent reason, and so they interrupt me (!) and try to re-start it, which makes me clench my fist and yell, "Do not interrupt me when I am talking!", which to them is absurd because I was not talking at all; or worse yet (which also infuriates me) they throw up their hands and very rudely walk away, apparently dismissing me as a moron (when the facts are I am profoundly more literate than they are, and thus I respect words more than they do, and that is why I must stop and find the perfect words, rather than just blither like the illiterate morons they are).
When I try to talk to anyone, they are unable to "catch the beat"/recognize the cadence with which I talk. And become so annoyed with me they walk away, or even assume I am a Retard.
When I was about 20 I had a job at a machine-shop, wherein I was referred to as "that dumb guy" because I could not carry on conversations at the pace the Normals expected. After I got home (alone) "that dumb guy" was composing incredible stop-anapestic music and writing amazing lyrics.
Then we take into consideration the fact the average person is functionally illiterate (at least compared to me), thus what part of my speech they do hear they are unable to interpret - like that horribly confusing word "uponnoccasion" - "You speak a different language than the rest of us."
When I was on a motorcycle adventure ride, I talked for a while with some people, and they asked me, since I was taking an 80-day trip, "What do you do for attire?" I thus described exactly what clothing I brought with me, and why. They again asked, "I mean attire." I elaborated with more detail about my rain-gear and ATTGAT (All The Gear All The Time; i.e., the body-armor one wears while riding adventure style). They looked both frustrated and confused as to why I could not answer their question. Then it occurred to me they were asking about a spare tire! A Tire, not Attire. Oh! Now I get it. So I said I only drive on tube tires, thus if I get a flat I can just change the tube, which I always carry spares of. At last we had understanding.
I became very annoyed with a Buell sales-person once. She was flirting with me constantly, and being an Aspie I was not able to tell if it was part of her "salesmanship" or if she actually liked me, not thet I was interested, it just confused me.
Anyway, I took 20 minutes to examine every detail of the Buell, then she came up and tried to communicate with me, but she kept interrupting me, finishing my sentances for me (incorrectly), or re-wording her questions while I was mid-answer, she believing I had not understood what she meant, when I was just talking the way I do (stopping in the middle of sentances to search the files for the perfect word). My nearly every sentance is paused by a semi-colon, followed by "thus", or "i.e.", and further elaboration. The Normal just wants the final half; i.e., the actual answer, not the elaborate explanation of why this is the answer. I became so annoyed with her, I just threw up my hands and left, ranting in my car about "typical brainless illiterate females!"
Meanwhile I managed to fall in love 7 times with absolute nothings because they were (what I misinterpreted at the time as) "good listeners". I want communication so much thet I actually fall in love with a good interchange of words (not the person using them).
At the useless and irritating Adult Asperger Association, I was constantly shut up by the facilitator, the abusive co-addict Dr Nicholls, because she was very intimidated by the fact I knew more about AS than she did. Every time I went there I stuttered and exaggerated in my frantic attempt to get a word in before I was abusively cut off by her, or blurted over the top of by the Tourette people. It was so tension-building and just infuriating.
Another characteristic of some Aspies is to vocalize their thoughts, commenting on their own actions and feelings, or giving monologues without needing a listener. By the time they start school they have learned to keep their thoughts to themselves. At a certain age, talking to one's self is considered a sign of mental disturbance. This often disrupts the attention of other children in class, and may lead to being teased. They may also fail to hear the instructions of their teachers because they are too engrossed in a personal "conversation".
This is so me. If I am reading a book or talking to myself, I am oblivious to what is going on around me, to such extent thet it makes me very angry if I am interrupted. This is also where Selective Listening comes from. If someone is talking directly to me, but are boring, my Attention Deficit wanders, and I start to talk to myself. They see my lips moving and realize I am not hearing a word they say. If they then stop talking, I unconsciously Selectively Listen, thus if they start talking again, I honestly do not hear them.
There may be several reasons for this behavior. First, the child may be less influenced by peers to be quiet, or less concerned at appearing different; I would have to acknowledge your existence in order to care about either of those things. In school I was careful to stay silent to prevent the terrified lynch-mob of egoless War Criminals from attacking me, but as I get older I talk aloud to myself more and more. It is partly due to my utter dismissal of the people around me; i.e., I am consciously aware thet others notice me wording my every thought and feeling to myself out loud, but I do not give a damn what they think - and I want them to know that to some extent (see what I said above about dreaming of being naked and not giving a damn what others think of me). My talking out loud to myself in public is partly an expression of my condescension toward others, the blithering illiterates who cannot put their own thoughts and feelings into words like I do.
The vocalization may also have a constructive purpose or be reassuring. Being Hyperlexic, nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words, thus I must put my every thought and feeling into words, then say them out loud so I can hear them. Only then do I have understanding (even of myself); i.e., most of the time the pointless coincidence of other people's existence, and their noting thet I am talking to myself, is utterly irrelevant. I am so much in my own world thet most of the time I do not notice them at all - but when I do, it is like I said in the paragraph above - fuck off!
An adolescent with AS described how "talking to myself helps me figure out and practice how to express ideas well." I call this Echolalia, wherein I feel compelled (in fact I truly cannot help it) to repeat what I said myself in a just-ended conversation. I am re-wording it to myself over and over, polishing the sentance-structure into perfection. I end up with the finished product becoming my memory of the conversation, rather than what actually happened, which had probably been relatively awkward - further demonstrating how I am an excellent writer, but a horrible speaker.
Once I have re-worded it to perfection, I never go to the other person and tell them, "What I should have said was ...", for why should I care if they understood me or not? To me, they were not part of the original conversation anyway, only the words were. This is reiterated in my occasionally falling in love with girls because we (or at least I) had a good conversation.
This particular part of this subject reminds me of people who have phone-sex. They are so attracted to word usage thet they can cum to it, no matter who is on the line.
I wonder if most phone-sex consumers are actually Aspergers. Personally, I think that is pathetic. But I masturbate to a fantasy of a woman who likes being talked to during sex. If she does not like being told how yummy she is, she can literally go fuck herself. "Do not talk to me, you are ruining it" is the most repulsive thing a woman can say to me during sex.
I judge people instantly on whether they interrupt me or not. Within the first 5 minutes I either like someone or dismiss them completely based on how good of a listener they are.
This is also 1 of the many reasons I hated the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson. The perpetual state of soulless terror facilitator Dr Nichols was in made it so she would not let me talk because she was terrified I would show her up. "I am the foremost expert on Asperger's Syndrome" she would say with her eyes closed and her head swaggering in snooty self-righteousness. She would become very angry if anyone who actually had Asperger Syndrome tried to talk about it.
You are all so utterly dismissed.
Another reason may be that the Aspie is rehearsing possible conversations for the following day, or repeating previous conversations to try to understand them.
Usually I dismiss what the other person had said in the conversation. When Echolalically repeating it to myself, I only speak the things I had said myself. The other person's responses are recalled more as emotional ideas rather than words; I do repeat them to help me understand what just happened with that conversation. I always understand the words (better than anyone else) but usually miss the underlying point of the conversation, or what else was being said with their eyes, which of course was usually overwhelming to me at the time, resulting in my gaze-aversion. Thus I had not seen their eyes while we were having the actual conversation.
At this one site I am was Security Guard for, there is this teen-age girl, Pamela, who talks a lot. She talks so much thet it drives the male manager, Adrian, crazy. By the end of the night, she (Queen Bee) is very perky and happy because of all the interaction thet went on - mostly between her and Laura. But because she was just yacking small-talk, Adrian wants to strangle her. By the end of the night, after she goes home, he turns to me and says, "God, I wish she would just shut up." I say, "Well, she is honest." He looks at me as if to say, "So what!" And I say, "She is never bull-shitting you. She is always telling the truth." He nods his acknowledgment thet he does in fact trust her (which does not make her any less annoying). So I say, "I trust her more than I trust Eileen." To which he gets this look on his face of "Whew! You sure said a mouth full." Eileen is very superficial, and keeps up this very loud and whiny yelling. She thinks it is funny to whine loudly. It is done in a teasing way, but is so superficial and just irritating. When she does this I wince notably, and go do a foot-patrol around the outside of the building. Whereas I learn a lot about eye-signals by "listening" to Pamela. She is not saying anything much worth hearing in words, but her eyes are so very expressive - that is obviously where the communication between her and Laura is happening.
Pamela is so very Neurotypical. I wish I could stare at her eyes from 2 feet away all day long. I would learn so much. She communicates with her eyes notably more than most people. She should be an actor, for her facial expressions (especially her eyes) are so honest and telling. She would also make a good teacher for Autistic kids - showing them how to read facial expressions and how people communicate with their eyes. But being a typical vain Mexican she thinks I am just staring at her looks. Duuuh.
Later she came back to talk to Laura, and as the two of them were yacking their heads off while saying nothing specific, I went around to the side to see the profile of both of them so I could watch their eyes. In the middle of their conversation, Adrian interrupted and teasingly said to Pamela, "You seem so familiar. You look like that really dumb bitch who works here." To which Pamela said, "Fuck you", brushing him off with a flick of her wrist, and did not miss a beat in her conversation with Laura. But as she kept talking to Laura, her eyes were obviously signaling to Adrian. I was fascinated by this (having 2 conversations at once), for I have no clue how to do any of it and probably never will.
Sometimes Aspies who are prone to anxiety talk to themselves as a form of self-comfort and reassurance. They are externalizing the reassuring comments that typical people keep to themselves.
For me, talking to myself (occasionally even roaring in intentionally-forced anger), is done for the sake of putting it into words so I can understand it, venting anxiety and frustration, or simply having someone (me) to talk to.
One of the guards at the company I work for is a raging Aspie. He talks out loud as a Stim to calm his overwhelming anxiety. He yacks his head off constantly, in a frantic desperation to say as many words as he can. He is not hearing anyone else, and Attention Deficits all over the place, making it impossible to listen to him even if you wanted to. He is the most annoying person in the world, but I understand him perfectly.
It is important to find out why the person talks to themself. It could simply be a developmental delay, or a means of organizing their thoughts, improving comprehension, or providing comfort.
I have noticed that when some adult Aspies are deep in thought, their lips move as though they have difficulty disengaging mind and mouth.
I have to put it into words before I can understand it, thus I must talk, and not just to myself in my head, but out loud, articulating each word. If my mouth slurs or mumbles a word, then my mind "hears it" as a mumble. At the very least my lips must move; I do not have difficulty disengaging mind and mouth, I am intentionally engaging mind with mouth.
I think this is why when I recall past conversations I repeat in Echolalia, my recall of what the other person said is just an emotional idea, rather than words; I did not put their words into words myself and speak them out loud, thus they are not remembered (at least not as words).
The Aspie may not follow the conventional conversational rules regarding how to initiate, maintain, and end a conversation. They may start the interaction with a comment irrelevant to the situation, or by breaking social or cultural codes. For example, a young Aspie child may approach a total stranger in the supermarket and "strike up a conversation" by saying, "Do you have a cylinder mower?", and then proceed to give a monologue demonstrating their encyclopedic knowledge of garden machinery. Once the "conversation" has begun, there seems to be no off-switch.
Many Aspies consider conversation to be primarily an opportunity to exchange information, to learn or inform, and if there is no practical information to exchange, why waste time talking? Resulting in the classic Asperger symptom of "irritated by small-talk". I give a lecture while you listen, then you give a lecture while I listen. And both lectures have to be educational! I understand perfectly why Adrian wants to strangle Pamela.
When the conversational partner is confused, the Aspie often lacks the mental flexibility to provide an explanation using other words, or to facilitate understanding by using gestures or metaphor.
This is definitely not me, I constantly use "thus" and "i.e.". In fact (at least in print) I usually beat my ideas into the ground, and then have to go back and re-write everything to edit out the redundancy. If I think of 4 different ways of saying the same thing, I write out all 4 of them before I realize I have already made my point 3 times. Aspie Bjork also does this in interviews - beating her every idea into the ground until the irritated interviewer cuts her off.
Another unusual feature of Aspie conversation is a tendency to make what appears to be irrelevant comments. A statement or question can be made that is not obviously linked to the topic of conversation. These utterances can be word-associations, fragments of the dialog of previous conversations about the same subject, some seemingly quite bizarre.
As demonstrated wherein I used the word "rehearse" which reminded me of the word "hearse" which is associated with funerals, thus the word "rehearse" means to plan a funeral. None of those things had anything to do with the subject the sentance containing the word "rehearse" was about. But my mind branched off into it mid-sentance. This is what Tony refers to as "lateral thinking", and is classic AS.
An adult Aspie may be able to engage in conversation about practical matters, but have considerable difficulty with social chit-chat or the language of courtship.
When I first read that sentance I went blank. I have no idea what "the language of courtship" is.
Gary Numan said if he were not in a band he probaly would have never had a girlfriend in his life, because "I have no chat with women." He only expressed himself through his music (see my review of Gary Numan. Android in La La Land.).
Guidance and role-playing activities can be used to identify the cues for when to start talking, such as the natural closure of a topic or conversational paragraph, or when someone gives eye-contact that communicates "your turn to speak".
I was also not aware these things existed. "Natural closure of a topic"? A conversational paragraph?, as opposed to the end of a chapter. I had no idea there was such a thing.
This review is written by a self-narrating zoo exhibit giving a lecture. I do not know how to communicate any other way.
The Aspie tends to make literal interpretation of what the other person says, being greatly confused by idioms, irony, figures of speech, innuendo, and sarcasm.
An example of literal interpretation was when a young man was asked by his father to make a pot of tea. Some time later his father was concerned that he had not received his refreshment, and so he asked, "Where is the tea?". His son replied, "In the pot, of course." He was unaware that the original request implied not just the preparation of the tea, but the presentation of a cup of tea for each person present.
During a diagnostic assessment I asked a young Aspie girl if she could count to 10. She replied, "Yes", and silently continued her play.
I used to be like that very much. As I got older I learned to get the hint, but I still need people to spell it out for me most of the time. Note thet I use the terms "get the hint" and "spell it out" as figures of speech I fully understand. This is due to me being a writer.
The Normals' abbreviating their every remark (as demonstrated in the tea story) adds to my irritation about "the purposeful withholding of education". I feel like they are intentionally trying to keep me ignorant, while to me they are simply illiterate. Recall in Indigo #5 the Office Scenario wherein Pete had to ask me 3 times before he finally got it into English? Aspies are practically incapable of reading into it what was not actually said.
I am tremendously more irritated by the Normals when they read into it something I did not say. When my every sentance is followed by them thinking, "What you really mean is..." I just want to punch them in the head.
Some severely Autistic kids, when told to wipe off their mouth, go into shrieking terror at the thought of their mouths literally being wiped off! They imagine bones crunching and blood spurting.
As a Security Guard I sometimes had to drive Patrol. This includes a lot of interaction with dispatch over the radio, most of which is spoken in 10-code. I hate this so much. Why don't these illiterates learn how to speak English? I refuse to learn the 10-code, and actually speak in English. To my surprise this resulted in 1 of the dispatchers remarking thet I was the one who was "always so professional on the radio". This is due to the necessity of me having to stop and write out in my head what 10-8 means before I say it.
When Listening to the speech of an Aspie you become aware of unusual aspects of pitch, stress, and rhythm; i.e., prosody or melody of speech. [Tony used "i.e." in a sentance. I love that!] There can be a lack of vocal modulation such that speech has a monotonous or flat quality, and unusual stress patterns, or over-precise diction with stress on almost every syllable.
Meanwhile the speech of Aspies can be perceived as being pedantic, overly formal, and pretentious. The characteristics include: providing too much information, an emphasis on rules and minor details, a tendency to correct previous utterances of the other person, the use of overly formal sentance structure, and making rigid interpretation of what someone says.
Angelica said I "always say too much". She said this with an irritated, almost resentful look on her face. I have no clue why.
When I first started this new job, I was given a written multiple-choice test. There were so many typos thet I felt very irritated with it. Thus I noted with a hi-lighter pen (which I always carry with me in my fannypack - nerd thet I am) all the typos. When I handed in the test, the instructor asked what all the hi-lighted marks were. I told her those were typos thet needed to be fixed. She got the most sneery resentful look on her face. My response was to feel, "You stupid, toothless, inbred, southern, white-trash, illiterate, hick!" Accent on the "illiterate".
When I spoon-feed morons or beat idiots over the head, they should appreciate me for it, for I am trying to help them come up to my level. I feel spiteful when they slap my hand every time I offer them my gift of enlightenment.
I almost laugh as I write that, for I know how absurdly pompous it sounds. I just cannot help but have that reaction to illiterates; i.e., any person who uses language differently than I do.
An Aspie teenager was helping his father as an after-hours cleaner, and was asked to empty all the bins. A while later the father was annoyed to find several of the bins had obviously not been emptied. When asked why, the Aspie replied, "Those are not bins, they are wicker baskets." He had not been asked to take out the garbages. He was asked only to empty the bins, which is exactly what he did. When instructing an Aspie, you must spell it all out!
The characteristic of being pedantic can sometimes be perceived as offensive, as in the example of my conversation with a young man in the USA who was fascinated with the potential maximum speeds of different makes of vehicles, and the speed limits in various countries. I live in Australia, and the conversation progressed quite amiably until I mentioned the value of low speed in conserving petrol. The young Aspie suddenly became agitated, protesting vehemently that "The word is gasoline, not petrol!"
I get a kick out of that story. How many times have I re-beaten into the ground how irritated I get when someone used the word TILL when they mean UNTIL? They are using the wrong word! and it makes me feel "agitated" and "vehement". I am old enough to know better than to mention it out loud, but when I am writing I keep going back to that subject (of the word "till"), because it is just wrong.
P.S. I am an American and I use the word Petrol sometimes, but I (like most Americans) usually call it Gas. I also cross my Sevens like Europeans do; they just look incomplete without it.
I dismiss anything anyone says if they are too vague. Saying it will happen "soon", or "maybe", or "I think so", gets the person immediately dismissed. If you cannot give it to me straight, then I am not hearing you. This too is typical of Aspies.
Tony says teaching kids to talk with their eyes is like teaching a foreign language, which is not a problem if you start them on it at a young age. I am 49 and just now realizing thet if I could watch Pamela from 2 feet away all day it would teach me so much.
I hate my utterly horrid parents. They always had hateful and spiteful looks in their eyes, or their eyes always looking in at their Paranoid Delusions, making it painful for any Normal kid to look at them, forget it for an Autistic who cannot handle looking at eyes in the first place.
75% of Aspies have Attention Deficit Disorder. I definitely do.
A problem with Working Memory is the tendency to forget a thought quickly. One reason Aspie kids are notorious for interrupting conversations is that they know they will forget what they wanted to say if they do not say it right now.
I have learned to take notes, both mentally and on paper, during conversations to avoid the utter frustration of getting lost in conversations. Or I Echolalically repeat the conversation to myself, and for several minutes later say what I should have said earlier.
At the horrible Adult Asperger Association in Tucson, I would leave each meeting very angry thet I did not get to talk as much as I needed to. I would go home a write voraciously for 3 days about all the things I wanted to say but had not been allowed to.
The Aspie child may prefer to use their own idiosyncratic approach to problem-solving, which I describe as "Sinatra Syndrome". Adult Aspies may be famous (or notorious) for being iconoclasts and rejecting popular beliefs and conventional wisdom. See my hatred of Democracy as a prime example. I also use Zen, Tao, Sufism, and Scientology as problem-solving strategies. Only an Aspie would study all of these things and mix them together as the ultimate problem-solving elixir, totally different from (and thus superior to) the conventional.
The learning profile of children and adults with AS can include a tendency to focus on errors, a need to fix an irregularity, and a desire to be a perfectionist. See me correcting the typos on a test before I even had the job. The avoidance of errors can mean that Aspies prefer accuracy rather than speed. If it is a job where "time is money" I flat-out will not do it. I have yelled often, in arrogance, thet if you want it done perfectly you have me do it, but if you want it done fast, do it yourself!
Creative adult Aspies such as composers, engineers, and architects often cannot cope with any deviation from their original design. I love hearing other people's versions of songs I wrote. But when I play my own songs live, they have to be played exactly the same every time, no improvising.
"He is like a puppy learning to stay. Every ounce of concentration is wrapped up in just being in the classroom, in staying put when his instincts are telling him to run away. There is nothing left in him for academics." See the movie Temple Grandin wherein Temple reads French in class (disasterously).
A major cause of anguish for Aspie kids is homework. There may be 2 explanations; the degree of stress and mental exhaustion during their day at school, and their profile of cognitive skills.
Normal children do not have to learn social-integration skills consciously, but Aspies have to decipher the social cues and codes and cognitively determine what to do and say. Their primary feedback is criticism for errors, with little recognition when they make the correct response. Thus Aspie kids have to concentrate on an extra (minefield) curriculum that leaves them intellectually and emotionally exhausted by the end of the school day. Aspie kids often explain that they want a clear division between home and school.
I learned absolutely nothing whatsoever in public school. It was 100% a total waste of time. I flat refused to even acknowledge homework assignments.
Having advanced intellectual maturity can be associated with a relatively-high level of moral development and ideals. The young Aspie then becomes extremely distressed in situations of injustice [such as racism, resulting in my continual use of the word "Nigger" to refer to racists!], and express concern about the effects of natural disasters on people. There can also be high ideals regarding fairness, affecting interactions and games with peers.
I could masturbate onto several pages here proving how ethically superior I am, but I will just say this: I have published 77 zines, from which the Zine Scene came to recognize me as, and I quote, "a radical soldier concerning human rights issues". You should read those zines - and then change to suit my Utopian Vision.
Also, I refuse to play games with anyone because they always cheat, and like I said above, the first thing you are taught in public school is thet "narc" is a dirty word. This I found very disturbing.
Children with AS can have difficulty knowing where their body is in space, which may often cause them to trip, bump into objects, and spill drinks. When catching a ball with 2 hands, the arm movements are often poorly coordinated and also affected by problems with timing. When throwing a ball they will often not look in the direction of the target before throwing, thus affecting their accuracy.
In my review of the book The Boy Who Loved Windows it said:
A tactilely hypo-sensitive child might need to throw himself against a wall just to know where he exists, just to feel himself in space. Walker flailed in space because his sense of location of his limbs, his body parts, and even the boundaries of his own being was not working well. Walker was spending most of his energy simply trying to figure out where he was.
The reason the Aspie does not find the target before throwing the ball is because they are too busy trying to find where their own body is in conjunction with/comparison to the ball. Getting their co-ordination in sync enough to actually throw the darn ball takes a very close, even internal focus. Asking them to also see the target yards away is just asking too much.
This vague sense of location might explain why Aspies become so angry when people in a crowd accidentally bump into us. When they touch us we become more aware of that person's location than we are of our own, thus making us feel like they are attacking our space.
All Autistics dislike being touched, and all Autistics have a vague sense of their own location. Perhaps these 2 things are related; i.e., it is not just the hyper-sensitive skin thet makes us averse to touch. We do not know exactly where our own body ends, thus when someone touches it it always takes us by surprise. Being surprised is like being interrupted, which can be at least irritating.
The development of sitting can be delayed by a few months, and the crawling movements may not have the basic diagonally-opposing limb-patterns. Analysis of infants' attempts to walk identified problems with falling, such as the tendency to always fall to one side, and a failure to used protective reflexes.
In Motorcycle Adventure Riding, one wears ATTGAT; i.e., motocross-style full-body-armor, because driving an overloaded-with-camping-gear bike on wilderness back-roads tends to include some crashes. The main mistake riders make is to put their arms out to catch themselves as they are falling mid-air; this inevitably leads to broken arms.
The trick to crashing without getting hurt (other than over-kill ATTGAT) is to tuck and roll mid-air thus absorbing the shock by rolling.
It was possibly easier for me than it is for Normal riders to learn this because I did not have the natural instinct to catch myself with arms out in the first place; i.e., the Normals would have to first teach themselves to stop trying to catch themselves, then teach themselves to tuck and roll. I learned fast the mid-air tuck and roll because I did not first have to defeat the natural instinct of catching myself (before I learned this I would often fall sprawling flat on my face). Now when I fall when simply walking I automatically tuck and roll, thus landing on my shoulder and upper back and rolling into a somersault, rather than on my face like I used to.
Tremendously more skateboarders break arms than Adventure Riders because the skateboarders are going at a slow enough speed, they think they can catch themselves, thus they break their arms. Motorcyclists know they are going fast enough to rip arms completely off, thus they at least understand the concept of adopting the mid-air fetal-position for protection.
There may also be problems with Proprioception; i.e., the integration of information about the position and movement of the body in space, and the ability to maintain posture and balance. I have also known several Aspie children who enjoy being up-side-down for long periods of time.
I found it very relaxing to hang on a "Back Revolution", which is this spine-stretching device like a back-swing (Google "Back Revolution"). It places me up-side-down where I hang from my hips, which takes all the weight off the spine. Being a chiropractic junkie due to stress, my chiropractor recommended I get 1 of those things. It was lovely. Not just in relaxing my tense back, but the hanging up-side-down was also very emotionally calming - almost like Temple's squeeze-machine.
I also used to (sort of) want to be a trapeze artist. I used to jump off of beams in the barn, doing somersaults mid-air, and landing in loose hay. I was relatively graceful mid-air. But ask me to walk in a straight line? Forget it.
When examining general movement abilities of Aspie children, there can be signs of Ataxia; i.e., less orderly muscular co-ordination and an abnormal pattern of movement. This can include movements being performed with abnormal force, rhythm and accuracy, and an unsteady gait. Definitely me.
It is interesting thet I went on to become such an excellent drummer. I suspect it is because I was seated in 1 position, and the drums held still too. Thus I could muscle-train to the extent thet I could hit an individual drum accurately even when I was not looking at it. I even worked myself into a trance and left my body, resulting in my body playing the drums perfectly without me even being in it at all!
I think my ability to leave my body was very much influenced by AS. My sense of location was already vague enough thet moving out of the body completely was not as hard as finding my location in it in the first place.
This explains a feature that is quite conspicuous when walking next to an Aspie. As 2 people walk side-by-side they tend to synchronize the movements of their limbs, much as occurs when soldiers are on parade. The Aspie appears to walk to the beat of a different drummer.
The Normals naturally sync together. It is not entirely due to Democratic brain-washing (with a sledge-hammer), but their natural inclination as an Aspie simply do not have (further proving the Ethical superiority of Aspies who are not only averse to joining lynch-mobs, but possibly unable to join); we already have the perpetual feeling of, "Who the hell are these people! What planet is this!", thus we become the ultimate deer in headlights when even observing a lynch-mob.
The technical term is Macrographia. An activity in class may be refused because of an aversion to the requirement to write. Teachers may become frustrated by the illegibility of the handwriting, but need to remember that this is an expression of a movement disorder, not necessarily a lack of commitment to the work.
Meanwhile some Aspie kids become fascinated by handwriting and develop a special interest in Calligraphy. The problem is that the child takes too long to complete written assignments in class. Each letter may be perfectly formed, but the child has become more absorbed in the formation of the letters than the meaning of the sentance.
I always wrote my 8s and Ss starting from the bottom. I now write my 8s as 2 circles, top 1 first. My Ss now start at the top in printing, but in my signature I still start the S from the bottom.
I was always fascinated with Calligraphy as an art-form. Though I never studied it nor took classes, I did use a basic Calligraphy pen (with the replaceable ink-cartridges) as my main writing tool for years. From there I went to writing only with a black Sharpie marker. Today I only use black gel pens.
I think in my case, due to Hyperlexia, the content of the sentance was more important than the formation of the letters, thus leading to my horrible handwriting today; I must print in all capital letters or even I cannot read it.
Also, the use of printing in all capital letters reflects the AS symptom of "inability to determine the relative difference in value between things", which I refer to as "Communist Theory"; all people (and letters) are equal comrades.
I also studied Handwriting Analysis for years.
Today at work, they comment (in apparent amazement) thet my handwriting is always so legible, due to the fact the average American, or at least the hicks in the Southwest, can hardly write at all. They certainly do not read.
Because I can hardly talk articulately, I am known for pronouncing my words especially well. Because I have Macrographia and Dysgraphia, not to mention Dyslexia, I am known for writing especially legibly. Because I have practically no memory, I write down everything in chronological order, which is so very logical. I compensate so well for my disorders, becoming known for being the opposite of them.
Tony presents a list of mannerisms thet can be referred to as tics. I have always thought of tics as spastic twitching. But according to Tony many things I do constantly could be defined as tics. Specifically: Sticking my tongue out with my mouth slightly open. Chewing my tongue constantly. Endlessly feeling my teeth with my tongue. Feeling the roof of my mouth with my tongue. Brushing my teeth forever. Sucking my teeth. Possibly even Flossing my teeth, as part of my mouth obsession. Breathing in erratic rhythms. Finger-flicking, and air-playing guitar chords, even though I am not thinking about music at the time. Talking to myself constantly. Stretching the tendons in my hands. Chattering and tapping my teeth.
Why are these called tics, and not Stims? To me a tic is an uncontrollable spasm. Whereas a Stim is intentionally engaged in as a stress-reliever. All of these above-mentioned things I do, are in fact intentional, even if I am not entirely aware I am doing them.
Movement disturbance does not appear to affect sporting activities such as swimming, using the trampoline, playing golf, or horse-riding. For these are activities that can be practiced in solitude.
Profoundly alone, Aspies cannot "do the dance" of interacting with a sports team. They cannot keep track of so many people at once. I was pretty good at my graceful trapeze work, and am quite agile on, and becomming one with, a motorcycle, and even agile at crashing motorcycles. But ask me to simply dance with a partner while touching them? Forget it. I cannot walk (even when alone) in a strait line.
The most common sensitivity is to very specific sounds, but there can also be sensitivities to tactile experiences, light sensitivity, the taste and texture of food, and specific aromas. There can be under and over-reaction to the experience of pain and discomfort, the sense of balance, movement perception, and body orientation. One or several sensory systems can be affected such that everyday sensations are perceived as unbearably intense or apparently not perceived at all. Parents are often bewildered as to why these sensations are intolerable or not noticed, while the Aspie is equally bewildered as to why other people do not have the same level of sensitivities.
Once again Tony is disgusted with the relatively worthless DSM-IV, and also mentions the ADI-R, which is used specifically for diagnosing Classic Autism.
Unusual sensory perception is not included in any of the 4 diagnostic criteria for AS, even though between 70 and 80% of Aspie children have extreme sensitivity to specific sounds.
Tony quotes four Aspies talking about their Sensory Processing Disorders, all of which could have been written by me.
We are not sure if "sensory tune-out" is due to being so intensely preoccupied with an activity that the auditory signals do not interrupt the intense concentration, or whether there is a genuine temporary and fluctuating loss of the perception and processing of auditory information. However this characteristic can lead to parents considering that their young Aspie may also be deaf.
This fluctuation in the awareness of sound is very common in all Aspies, and I consider it my worst symptom. I also cannot say if my brain erratically turns on and off the processing of incoming sound, or whether my inability to multi-task makes it so I simply cannot handle yet another sense along with all the others I am overwhelmed with trying to process.
I know thet in some cases my hearing goes where my mind goes; this is called "selective listening". But it is not a conscious switching off of 1 sound while amplifying another simultaneous sound. In fact if I try to "tune out" back-ground noise, I am thus focusing on it, and it becomes much louder, to irritating extent. Meanwhile sometimes if I am talking to myself, in my head, and someone comes up to me and talks in a perfectly audible volume, I honestly do not hear them. This also happens when I am reading; the slightest distant noise interruption is infuriating to me, then the next minute someone talks to me (intentionally trying to interrupt me) and I honestly did not hear them.
Tony repeatedly makes the point thet for most Aspies there is nothing more irritating than noise (sometimes creating actual pain and even panic), while their favorite thing is sound. Of course the difference between noise and sound is in the ear of the beholder. And what in 1 scenario is irritating can be pleasant in a different scenario; i.e., 1 of the most irritating things to me is the sound of people talking, but for a woman to seduce me she must talk a lot. I cannot work (physical labor) if there is a radio or Muzak playing, but while I am writing this I have my iTunes program running non-stop. I have a painful panic reaction to the sound of air hand-driers, but I like the hiss of white noise interjected percussively into music; e.g., Suzanne Vega's "Blood Makes Noise", or practically anything by Bjork.
Tony accurately describes Auditory Integration Therapy, which in the book Sound of a Miracle (reviewed on my site) was credited for outright curing 1 case of Autism. Tony says, "There is no empirical support for AIT." Really? Tell that to Georgiana Stehli! Then read my AIT page! You idiot!
Quoting Donna Williams: One sound which I loved to hear was the sound of anything metal. Unfortunately for my mother, our doorbell fell into this category, and I spent ages obsessively ringing it. I would string safety-pins together and tinkle them in my ear. I loved the sound of metal striking metal. 2 of my favorite objects were a piece of cut crystal and a tuning fork which I carried with me for years.
If this child had been given particularly a xylophone, but even a vibraharp, marimba, glockenspiel, tubular bells, steel drum, or hang drum she would have become a maestro. But her weird idiosyncrasy was never nurtured into a career. It was apparently just wasted as an annoyance.
This alternately makes me feel angry and horribly sad. She had a gift but no one noticed it as such, thus it was allowed to die.
Sensitivity to specific types of touch or tactile experience occurs in over 50% of Aspie kids. There can be extreme sensitivity to a particular type of touch, and the degree or pressure of the touching of particular body parts.
Sensory Integration Therapy can reduce tactile defensiveness, but there is a lack of empirical evidence of it's effectiveness.
So I looked up the word Empirical. It means verifiable by observation or experience rather than theory.
Whatever. Georgiana Stehli was cured of Autism simply by having her hearing adjusted!
Over 50% of Aspie kids have olfactory and taste sensitivity.
My sense of smell is hyper-sensitive, like all my other senses. The difference is thet it is consistently hyper-sensitive (as is my sense of taste). All my other senses are erratic. Thus I smell everything to get a stable perspective.
Unfortunately Tony says nothing more about the subject, so on the internet I found the Sense Of Smell Institute.
And as for hyper and hypo sensitive sense of taste, it says:
Hypo-sensitivity would once again allow you to accidentally ingest something your body would otherwise recognize as toxic. Hyper-sensitivity makes everything taste too strong, again amplifying the gag-reflex, and otherwise being over-stimulating - the worst possible thing for an Autistic.
And 50% of Aspies have smell and taste abnormalities.
My sense of taste is apparently (like my sense of smell) hyper-sensitive but stable. I pretty much like the taste of just about anything. I do like spicy foods, but only mildly spicy; blow-your-head-off Mexican or Thai food is not for me.
I do gag or choke occasionally, but it is mainly due to my bad physical co-ordination making swallowing awkward; in my case it is not really influenced by taste or smell. Oddly, my sense of touch or sight can make me gag; i.e., picking up fresh cat shit with a paper towel, or just seeing canned rabbit meat for example.
Visual sensitivity can also be hyper and hypo: Me having to wear brown filters when in daylight, and having oncoming headlights at night actually induce pain, etc. Then there is the pleasure I get from studying maps; being visually over-whelmed by too many people around me at the same time; feeling anxiety just by looking someone in the eye; being stunned by the beauty of Mexican women; feeling excited by the peculiar design of Buell and BMW motorcycles; loving buildings made of stone, etc.
Right there I described both pleasure and irritation caused by visual sensitivity. Even though I am superior to the Normals in my perception, it does not do me any good at interacting with them, for my reaction to those things is not the same reaction the Normals would have. Thus my superior perception alienates me even more.
Tony uses the example of an Aspie not being able to see what is right before their eyes, because they are overwhelmed by sound or some other stimuli. This is why I cannot do physical labor when there is a radio or Muzac playing. I also had to take off my glasses when playing drums live (in this case, taking my glasses off made me nearly blind), for being able to see (the people) too well while playing music was just too much information. I often played with my eyes closed entirely, which would make my hearing more accurate. When Temple Grandin squeezes her body in her machine, it makes her hearing sensitivity calm down.
As a professional musician, I would wind myself up into an anxiety-attack before going on stage, creating tremendous muscle tension putting my back out of joint, and then I would throw-up an hour after the show, apparently as an uncontrollable Stim to relieve the anxiety. It was simply over-stimulating to see and hear at the same time. Inevitably I stopped playing live and retreated to the recording studio.
For the Aspie there can be intense pleasure in examples of visual symmetry. I shall once again direct you to the paintings of Jessica Park. This is also why Autistics place toys in vertical lines rather than playing with them. Seeing anything in exact symmetry is comforting, and even delightful. This is why I am very irritated by anyone who has crooked teeth; it is all I can do to keep from yelling at them to fix their teeth!; and if their teeth are perfect I feel attracted to them as a person (which is absurd, but I cannot help but feel comforted by visual symmetry).
Here is an Aspergian joke for you: The Symmetery is where nerds go to get their graph-paper.
Helen Irlen has developed the use of tinted glasses to improve visual perception and reduce perceptual overload and visual disturbance. You occasionally see people with pink, purple, or blue lensed glasses. These are Irlen Lenses. Ozzy Ozborne for example is Dyslexic, that is why he wears his famous blue Irlen lenses.
Contrary to Tony Attwood's ignorant remarks about there being no impirical evidence of their effectiveness, Audio Integration Training, Sensory Integration Training, and Irlen Lenses are things I need ... because they work! (see my AIT and Irlen Lenses pages).
It is important to remember that when the Autistic is extremely distressed or agitated they will benefit from having a room to retreat to and calm down in, away from people. This room needs to have sensory aspects that are calming and soothing. This can include the symmetry of furnishings, the color of the walls and carpet, and no sounds, aromas, or tactile surfaces that are perceived as unpleasant.
At Autism Network International conventions they set aside "crash rooms" full of refrigerator shipping boxes the over-stimulated can retreat to as private cubby-holes.
It was probably inevitable thet I would become a recording-engineer and record-producer; the recording studio being the only place where I could get control of sound. Studios are purposely built to be sound-proof and acoustically dead. It is heaven.
My own living room, wherein I am writing this, has 1 whole wall painted dark purple. 1 of my neighbors referred to it as a "power wall". I assume by that he meant it was the dominant feature in the room. But to me it is the opposite; I face that wall because it is calming (it also has maps on it, of course).
The Perception of Pain and Temperature.
An Aspie may appear very stoic, and not flinch or show distress in response to levels of pain that others would consider unbearable. The Aspie's attention can be drawn to a bruise or cut but they cannot remember how it happened. Splinters may be removed without concern, hot drinks consumed without distress. On hot days warm clothes may be worn, on freezing days they may insist on wearing summer clothes.
There can be both hypo and hyper sensitivity to pain. The low threshold for some types of pain and discomfort can be a frequent source of distress. However Aspies are more likely to be hypo rather than hyper sensitive to pain.
In my case it is not just pain in general, but the type of touch; i.e., when someone hits me I can be relatively oblivious. But if I am tickled lightly it is extremely irritating. I like to be touched with fingers and hands, but cannot stand the touch (even lightly) of fingernails. I love bone-crunching chiropractors, but hate hugs. I love cold air but hate cold water.
I often find blood on me but have no idea where it came from; I have to search my own body for the wound. This is especially true when I acquire the injury while doing physical labor. In that case I am already feeling as much physical sensitivity as I can stand, thus 1 more input simply does not register. This is also why I cannot listen to music and physically work at the same time; it is just too much information.
Also it is like my CAPD hearing, wherein my hearing goes wherever my attention goes, so if I am intensely focused on doing some physical thing and someone comes up behind me and talks at a perfectly audible volume, I simply do not hear them because I was already using all my capacity focusing on the physical thing. It is that way with my physical sense, in thet I can be working on my motorcycle and hear 1 mosquito by my ear, only then do I realize I have 10 mosquitos on my arms and only then do I actually feel them biting. If I am oblivious to a person's existence, I thus hardly feel it if they hit me. But if I am focused intently on someone and their touch (as in making love) anything they do is irritating because they are too gentle (like a light tickle) which irritates me, or they are too rough and it hurts to me (This is why Aspies make the perfect prostitute customers; they can tell her exactly what to do and what not to). I have no interest in actually having sex with someone, because of all this - it is just too much trouble.
I am also exhilarated by riding a motorcycle in cold rain, which would be unbearable for most people. Though it is annoying at the time, I still like my fingers to freeze white, if it is wet cold - dry cold is too harsh. I also like to get my feet wet when it is cold. I like to be naked in cold wind and rain, but I hate it if someone touches me with cold hands. After I get to my destination (a warm building) on a motorcycle in the cold wet, I feel so giddy I can hardly contain myself. I also like to get into a cool bed naked when I am freezing and have only my own body temperature to warm me and it up slowly. It is uncomfortable for me to stand in front of a heater to warm up if I am freezing, and I hate electric blankets.
In some recent issue of National Geographic there is a picture of some Russian standing knee-deep in water, naked, with an axe, chopping the ice so he can take a swim. What an Aspie thing to do!
Hans Asperger noted thet 25% of Aspie kids were late in toilet-training. It is possible thet such children were simply less able to perceive the internal signals of bladder and bowel discomfort to prevent "accidents".
I was not like that, in fact I always felt thet my parents were overtly abusing me by making me hold it. It was in anger thet I used the toilet because there was always someone stopping me from going when I needed to.
Then I had spastic colitis, in my body's attempt to get rid of the vaccines ejected from my body as transparent yellow slug-slime thet smelled like burning plastic. They would never let me go to the toilet! I shit myself a lot as a child, but it was only because of the spasms expelling the vaccine goo. I hated my parents every day of my life. It was entirely their fault I shat myself.
Unusual sensory processing is when you see a scent, taste a color, etc. This is common in all people, wherein if you just see a picture of your favorite food you will drool, or if you receive a severe blow to your body you "see white", become enraged and "see red", or sense "the metallic taste of fear", etc. Though it is not recognized as an actual symptom of AS, Aspies, who already have inaccurate perception, may have more complicated versions of this.
I am not aware of having this at all. In my case 1 sense will shut off completely if another sense is overwhelmed.
Donna Williams has a bad case of this, wherein all her senses scramble together, 1 triggering the other.
Wood heat, oil heat, and electric heat: If all 3 are in 1 room, all set at the same temperature, I could go stand in front of each 1 and easily tell the difference. The way my skin (overly) senses the heat-waves is obvious to me.
(The above 3 paragraphs were written 3 years ago. Since then I have acquired Irelen lenses and AIT, both of
which made it very clear thet I have a bad case of Synesthesia - the ability to see sound and hear light. See my AIT
and Irlen Lenses pages for elaboration on Synesthesia.)
"We can see in the Autistic person, far more clearly than with any normal child, a predestination for a particular profession from earliest youth. A particular line of work often grows naturally out of their special abilities." - Hans Asperger.
I was composing music in my sleep as a kid, thus I went on to be involved in the music business professionally from the age of 12 to 36. I then burned out because I could not stand the people.
I was fascinated with earthquakes and volcanos around age 9-10, but the school system forbid me to study it, so I simply lost interest and became actually fixated on Political Theory. I remain fixated on that to this day, and probably always will be.
Then I became a bicycle mechanic.
Then I became fascinated with mold as an exotic plant, which I refined into a fascination with mushrooms specifically. I wanted to study that, but my abusive parents refused to buy me the necessary books. So I lost interest. That was around 11-12 years of age.
Then I became actually fixated on inventing gibberish words. Neologisms.
By 17 I became girl-crazy and fell in love 7 times. None of them loved me back (and they were all barking mad), so I gave up on women (or at least romance).
I know how to do artificial inseminations, and I have delivered a dozen babies.
I transferred my affections from un-obtainable girls to music - professionally. I actually developed Obsessive Personality Disorder during my music stage. This is what I should have done as a career, but my parents tried to destroy my every attempt, and the musician trash drove me to a rage. So I quit. I wrote words and music to 300 songs, 180 of which I had down on tape.
So I moved on to motorcycles and auto mechanics in general, becoming an expert on air-cooled and Diesel Volkswagens.
I eventually realized Motorcycle Adventure Riding was the best thing in life, and so I sold my car and had a motorcycle as my sole transport for 4 years.
I never stopped inventing words, experimental writing styles, and new formats for word usage. I became a member of the Alternative Press and wrote, edited, and self-published 77 zines. In the mid-90s I had 2 of the top 100 most popular zines on Earth.
I was inventing my own gibberish language before I could understand common language usage (age 4 - 5) because I was so Hyperlexic (even though, due to CAPD, I could not understand what people said).
Writing is the only thing I still do, because it is something thet allows, and even requires, one to be alone to do it.
In 2006 I achieved a state of literary genius with my 17 issue Leech Map zine series.
The new fixated subject is Autism Spectrum Disorders, neurological disorders in general, and Asperger's Syndrome specifically. Being such a talented writer, combined with the Aspergian trait of obsessively amassing encyclopedic knowledge on my fixated subject, this is my new niche.
Back to Tony's book:
Employment Qualities:
Reliable
Persistent
Perfectionist
Easily identifies errors
Technically able
Strong sense of social justice and integrity
Likely to question protocols
Accurate
Meticulous attention to detail
Logical
Conscientious
Knowledgeable
Original in problem-solving
Honest
Thrives on routine and clear expectations
However, there may be some difficulties.
The Aspie may have problems with:
Teamwork
Being a line manager
Conventional methods
Sensory perception
Time-keeping and work-routines
Managing stress and anxiety
Realistic career expectations
Being over-qualified (and knowing it)
Misinterpretation of instructions
Coping with change
Accepting advice
Personal grooming
Fitting in (alternately gullible and critical)
Asking for help
Organizing and planning (recognizing the proper sequence in which to do things, and the relative difference in value between them)
Conflict resolution
Interpersonal skills
For some trades and professions there may be greater success in learning specific skills using the traditional master/apprentice training technique rather than classroom-based learning. But I end up with a burning anger over the purposeful withholding of education. No one will teach me (my way)!
An interesting employment initiative has been developed in Denmark. The company Specialisterne, tests electronic equipment. The owner of the company (the father of an Autistic child) specifically wanted employees with Asperger's Syndrome because of their exceptional eye for detail and their enjoyment of repetitive procedures. Each employee has their own private office, and work-hours are flexible.
It is well-known thet the computer and electronics industries are heavily populated by nerds; i.e., undiagnosed Aspergers.
Temple Grandin said to me, "I am what I do".
This is also what I said: "I am a writer. It is what I do. It is who I am."
Tony spends a lot of time on the subject of romance and interpersonal relationships. It can all be summed up in 1 sentance: Living with an Aspie is like living alone.
Aspies do not want a girlfriend, we want a literary "booty-call." When I am feeling lonely, I want to call someone and have them come over and let me spill my guts to them. After which I want them to go away and leave me alone. This emotional intensity scares the crap out of the Normals, and their egos cannot handle being ignored the rest of the time. Her job is to just be there when I want her to be. Do not touch me, and do not talk (and do not cook my food or clean my house!). Just be there in case I want to touch or talk.
The most common problem for a Normal partner is feeling lonely. The Aspie partner can be content with their own company for long periods of time (The only time I feel truly happy is when I am Motorcycle Adventure Riding for over 20 days alone).
Although the couple may be living together, conversations may be few, and primarily involve the exchanging of information (I give an educational lecture without your interruption, then you give me an educational lecture without my interruption; otherwise shut up and go away).
I am annoyed by (Neurotypical) women because they yack constantly but never say a damn thing, they insist on making an argument out of everything (they think to have a good relationship we must be able to "fight well"), and they bite and scratch and hit as sex-play, which is so repulsive to me; their biting hitting and scratching is just being playful, but to hyper-sensitive me it is terribly over-stimulating. Normal women are just grating irritants.
They talk with their eyes about emotional things, rather than talk with words about intellectual things. It is completely pointless.
Unless she is a prostitute, thus she will be what I want because she is getting paid to do the easiest job on Earth (just listen to me, and do not argue!).
The Aspie's booty-call fantasy does not even have to involve sex very often. Just be there for Hyperlexic me to talk to and with when I need it. Remember, it is all about words. Read my zine. That is all - just read it. It is the easiest job in the world. All you have to do is show up.
(3 years after writing that I have gotten to the point wherein all I want from a "girlfriend" is someone to sleep with. After
I go to bed, I just want her to snuggle and talk. The frequency with which I actually want to have sex with her is about
10% of those times; i.e., I want to have sex about once a week, the rest of the time I find it irritating to be touched at all,
unless she is just snuggling like a child. I would just as soon she actually be my own small child; i.e., I want to love a
child more than I want to love a lover. The term "sleep with" does not necessarily have anything to do with sex. And
when not in bed, I would just as soon she be gone for the day. I do not like having anyone in my house).
Back to Tony's book:
When using projective testing (Rorschach-type tests where the patient sees unconscious or at least un-admitted things about themselves), the Aspie child is more likely to provide factual information than projections of self. Typically, Aspies will be very objective observers.
This is why I hate Schizophrenics so much; 1 of the most obvious symptoms is projection, wherein they are so afraid of their own feelings, they project them onto other people and then attack those people for having the feeling the Schizophrenic is afraid of in themselves, resulting in them attacking an innocent person for no discernible reason. Both my parents and all 4 of my siblings are famous for this form of lunie abusiveness.
Meanwhile the Aspie alternates between belief in prior knowledge and belief in no prior knowledge; wherein they assume the other person knows what the Aspie is thinking, when they do not, or assume the other person does not know what the Aspie is thinking, when they do. For this reason Aspies typically have difficulty empathizing.
This reiterates the reason why I feel such disgust toward and irritation with Democracy. In a Democracy those who believe in it assume everyone is like them; they assume all people empathize with them because all people are part of the majority-moron-rule system. Aspies are a deer in headlights when it comes to these people who think everyone feels like they do (or should).
The Asperger symptom of assumption of prior knowledge is about intellectual information, not emotional feelings; even if I wrongly assume you know what I know, I do not necessarily assume you feel the way I do about it.
Looking up Projective Testing on the Internet I found the following test, completed it, and here is the result:
Custom Keirsey Temperament Report for: Chryssie.
Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of The Guardian.
It is predictable thet I would have ended up as a Security Guard as my day-job, preceded by my stint with CPS, taking care of little kids, protecting the innocent, and my stint with DDD, taking care of disabled people.
I can likewise take a Rorschach Test and explain in detail what the blots actually look like, rather than Schizophrenic projections.
One of the components of psychotherapy is for the therapist to learn about the client's inner thoughts. The understanding and expression of inner thoughts, of themselves and others, can be a considerable problem for Aspies. Self-analysis does not come easy. Some never get to the point where they can look inward and explain outward.
Though it is obvious thet even I have difficulty understanding what people think and feel, or at least why they would think and feel specific things, I refer to these people who have trouble looking inward as "Retards who do not want to get better." There is flat-out no excuse for anyone to be so weak and stupid thet they cannot at least try to figure themselves out. They want to be helpless and dependent, seeking co-addictive relationships with abusers.
Only in these last few years did I realized thet many of my so-called "character traits" were actually just symptoms of a disorder. I was fascinated by that, and thus became an expert on my disorder.
It was just exasperating for me to sit in that so-called "support group" and watch these morons who did not even know what the symptoms of AS were. They went to some clinician who diagnosed them without telling them what the symptoms even were, and the patient did not ask. I was just appalled when I mentioned TAFA Center (the main Autism clinic in Tucson) to the group, and none of them had even heard of it. Why the hell not! You have Autism! Why don't you study your own case and fix it! You Morons!
The understanding and expression of inner thoughts, of themselves and others, can be a considerable problem for Aspies. Self-analysis does not come easy. It is profoundly easy for me! I wrote this all into a zine first. Only then did I copy it into this web-site. About 1/3 of what is written in my zine is edited out for this web-site, because it would scare the crap out of people if I did not - me being too Pragmatic Language Disordered for the average reader.
At some stage Aspies recognize they are different from others. There are 4 psychological reactions to that realization: Depression, Escape into imagination, Arrogance, and Survival by imitation.
I obviously was the Escapist Dreamer, combined with Arrogance. In fact I developed a temporary God Complex in my rage, while frantically Motorcycle Adventure Riding all over the place, alone, writing writing writing.
Eventually I got over myself, recognized I am a Natural Witch, which then evolved into a First Wave Indigo, through which I accidentally discovered Asperger's Syndrome.
The main point is thet I understand myself better than most people understand themselves. Even better than these morons (at the support-group in Tucson) who had received an official diagnosis.
If you have read my 77 zines, you will see thet I am actually profoundly good at looking inward and explaining outward. It is my world-renowned Pragmatic Language Disorder, wherein I spill my guts and cry to people rather than small-talking at them. There is in fact nothing about me I have not written out in detail and published for the world to see.
Tony mentions thet a few of his patients had become professional actors, because, as Aspies, they had no actual sense of self. Their identity became defined by the roles they had played.
I understand the Autistic symptom of being so unaware of one's own location thet they have to spin or wear weighted belts in order to find themselves; e.g., I can only keep my balance on a motorcycle if I have my ATTGAT squeezing several parts of my body, otherwise I "come loose" from my body and lose my balance. But I have always had a very strong sense of personal identity; I assume this is due to me being a Ram-headed Aries.
When Aspies are asked to describe themselves, they tend to define their personality in terms of what they like to do or collect, not by their social network of family or friends.
Like Temple said above, "I am what I do". The difference between me defining myself as a writer, and some other Aspie defining themself as an actor, is thet the actor's roles were portrayals of someone other than who the actor is. Whereas my writing is entirely portrayals of who I really am - warts and all presentations of my guts spilled. I am not an "Asperger Impersonator"; i.e., it is not a role I am playing, it is what I am, thus who I am (presented as/by a self-narrating zoo exibit).
This is why I hate Niggers and Faggots; Black people "acting Black", and homosexuals "acting Gay" is just so pathetic to me, because their self-images are based on the color of their skin or their sexuality. Get a life! I am not a White, male, heterosexual. I am a writer.
The altruistic desire to please people can be less of a motivation for Aspies. I usually prefer to appeal to the intellectual vanity of such children, and commend them for their intelligence, rather than commenting on how pleased I am. With an Aspie, flattery will get you nothing.
About 20% of fathers and 5% of mothers of a child with AS have the Syndrome themselves. If one uses a broader description of AS, almost 50% of first-degree relatives of a child with AS have similar characteristics. When considering second and third degree relatives, more than 2/3 of children with AS have a relative with similar patterns of abilities. There is something in the genes.
My father and his brother have Aspergers Syndrome. I never knew any of the other relatives on his side of the family, but I know from my dad thet his parents were both clearly abusive and insane, as is he.
My mother's whole family were abusive lunatics, and both of my parents are Paranoid Schizophrenics, as are all 4 of my siblings. There is something in the genes. I am so profoundly fortunate to only have Aspergers. I am the Alpha Plus of this family (which is not saying much).
For at least 1 in 4 children with AS, their brain and head circumference grew at a faster rate than would be expected in the first few months after birth. The children developed macrocephalus (an unusually large head and brain). There may be 2 sub-groups of children with AS who have macrocephalus, 1 which includes children who had a large head at birth, and the other which includes those who showed a rapid increase in brain size during early infancy. The initial acceleration eventually slows, so that in later childhood typical children have caught up such that the difference in head circumference may not be so conspicuous by the time the child is about 5 years old. At the moment we do not know why this occurs. The frontal, temporal, and parenial, but not the occipital, areas of the brain are enlarged, and there is an increase in grey matter but not white. Sometimes having a rapidly growing and relatively big brain, or at least parts of it, is not an advantage.
Above I reviewed the book Accept No Autism wherein I said:
She also has a very unique opinion about what caused Autism in her child. He was born with a malformed stomach (the same malformity I was born with, though Zack had a much worse case) wherein the valve between the esophagus and the stomach was not completely formed, thus allowing extremely severe "acid reflux" to make him spontaneously throw up everything he ever ate. After he was 2 years old, the malformity finally grew to normal, thus allowing him to become well nourished for the first time in his life. This caused such a sudden growth-spurt thet his brain grew faster than the nerves within it, thus causing Autism. Eventually the nerves caught up, and today he does not even have a mild case of Aspergers!
My whole body has always been normal in size and shape. In fact I am often mistaken for someone else because I am apparently very generic and average looking.
Tony says, and I strongly agree with him, thet the Aspie child must be told about their own diagnosis as soon as possible, and helped to become an expert on AS, thus taking pride in their strengths, rather than being tortured by and for their weaknesses. He also says the child should become an active participant in the decisions concerning their own therapies.
My parents were so horrible. They never did find out what was wrong with me, but they did talk about me behind my back to brain-dead abuser teachers so they together could decide what was best for me without ever including me in the discussion nor even asking me anything about myself. Then occasionally springing weird surprise tests on me to freak me out, but never telling me the purpose of them nor the results.
This was also the main aspect of my interaction with medical doctors. My evil mother would get together with corrupt drug-pusher doctors, project her own Schizophrenia onto me, and convince the doctors thet I had her un-admitted disorder, when neither of them ever talked to me! In fact the doctors repeatedly gave me prescription drugs while refusing to tell me what they were even for. I just hate them so much. I was 45 years old before I even heard of Aspergers.
Research has clearly established that the rate of convictions for adults with AS is actually the same as for the general population, and the incidence of violent offenses is remarkably low.
Tony explains thet the majority of crimes committed by Aspies are public nuisance and civil disobedience over matters of principle; the Aspies "ridiculous" sense of Ethics getting them into trouble with the sociopathic system.
Also there is a possibility thet Aspies with fixated subjects could devolve into Obsessive Personality Disorder, thus driving them to steal things thet are associated with their fixated subject. The item stolen can be unusual, such as a rare lamppost or tractor, which has no practical use to the person and cannot be sold for financial gain. The culprit is quickly identified, and incriminating evidence easily found. The compulsive nature of their fixation may overwhelm the typical Aspie's "embarrassing" Pragmatic Language Disorder, honesty, and adamant sense of Ethics.
My fixation thet devolved into Obsessive Personality Disorder was music, but I never stole any music equipment to support it. I was always mature enough not to let that happen. In fact I was constantly horrified by the sociopathic behavior of all other people - particularly kleptomaniac junkie musician trash!
Aspies who have committed an offense have often been quick to confess and justify their actions. They cannot understand what all the fuss is about; their actions were logical, justified, and appropriate, and described without any associated emotion or remorse.
The [apparent] lack of empathy and remorse could suggest signs of being a sociopath. But a sociopath usually has a superficial charm, and a previous history of ingenious and intuitive ways of exploiting and manipulating others. They are the ultimate human predators. The Aspie is so socially-naive [deer in headlights clueless as to what is going on with others] they are usually on the opposite end of the predator/prey spectrum [gullibly being manipulated by sociopaths].
One of the compensatory mechanisms for an Aspie who is achieving limited social success, is to create a fantasy life that can include imaginary friends and even imaginary worlds in which they are understood. The contrast between the real and imaginary world can become quite acute during adolescence, and under extreme stress the Aspie may create a fantasy world that becomes not simply a mental sanctuary and source of enjoyment, but a cause of concern for others, that the distinction between fantasy and reality become blurred. A tendency to escape into imagination as a compensatory mechanism may then be interpreted as a delusional state of mind.
See my reviews of the documentaries Marwencol and In The Realms of the Unreal.
I am a dreamer Aspie, but I use it as a Stim more than escapism; i.e., I lay in bed building fantasy drum sets, motorcycles, and houses in my mind as my way of unwinding so I can sleep. Finding a place for everything and putting everything in it's place relaxes me. It is about arranging parts of things (a typical Aspie fixation).
I often ask myself what I would do with $1,000, $5,000, and $10,000. It helps me arrange my priorities; this is a typical problem for Aspies due to their inability to distinguish the relative difference in value between things, and figuring out the proper sequence in which to do them. I never fantasize about money as escapism. I only do it to get my Attention Deficit to focus on what I need to do next in the real world with the money I actually have.
The only fantasy I have as escapist entertainment is my non-existent dream band, and even that is based on something I actually did professionally for decades.
Also my fantasy of adopting an Autistic child is obviously a manifestation of my own unresolved emotional needs, wherein I am that Autistic child and I need to love and care for them myself, rather than waste my energy hating my parents for being so negligent.
My main compensatory mechanism is writing. It is my ultimate Stim, and very much reality-based.
Most Aspies are very much realists - taking everything very literally.
My writing is more the typical Asperger "Exchange of information/Self-narrating zoo exhibit/Little Professor lecture" type of material. I am practically incapable of writing a fictional novel.
Here are several important factors that have contributed to the success of many Aspies.
- The diagnosis occurs in early childhood, thus reducing the secondary psychological problems such as depression and anxiety.
- The person and their family accept the diagnosis.
- The Aspie has a mentor who has AS and provides guidance and inspiration.
- The person acquires knowledge about AS through reading autobiographies, and self-help books written for Aspies.
- A partner is there to provide emotional and practical support, camouflage (or create a counter-balance to) any difficulties, and provide a life-long commitment to the Aspie.
- The Aspie achieves success at work or in their special interest which offsets the challenges in their social life. Social success eventually becomes less important in the Aspie's life, and a sense of identity and self-worth is not measured by companionship but by achievements. This point is illustrated by Temple Grandin:
"I know things are missing in my life, but I have an exciting career that occupies my every waking hour. Keeping myself busy keeps my mind off what may be missing. Sometimes parents and professionals worry too much about the social-life of an adult with Autism. I make social contacts via my work. If a person develops their talents, they will have contacts with people who share these interests."
- The Aspie accepts their strengths and deficits, and no longer has a desire to become someone they cannot be.
- Remember, there may be a natural recovery. It is possible to simply out-grow some of the symptoms.
This book ends with a mind-boggling collection of references, resources, and recommended reading.
And to sum it all up:
Hans Asperger said that adults with Autistic Personality Disorder could become talented in code-breaking, and their abilities in mathematics and pattern-recognition valued by military intelligence. In his paper published in 1938 he advocated against the newly introduced Nazi law for "The prevention of offspring suffering from hereditary diseases." By pointing out the skills of Autistics, he was emphasizing their potential advantage to the military, thus preventing such children from being taken from their parents and killed. He was certainly a brave man for challenging Nazi doctrine.
During the Second World War, British Military Intelligence had benefited from the characteristics of AS among the mathematicians who had contributed to cracking the German Enigma Code. As did the German pattern-recognition math-nerd Aspergers who probably invented it in the first place!
After reading this book, you will be an expert on Asperger's Syndrome. Other than Tony's 2 glaring mistakes in saying Audio Integration Training and Irlen Lenses do not work, you can tell from how many pages it took me to review it, this is definitely the best book on AS I have ever read. Highly recommended.
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The Everything Parent's Guide To Children With Autism.
by Adelle Jameson Tilton
Well, first of all, Adelle is not a very good writer. Every 3 pages or so she uses a flat-out wrong word in a sentance. It makes the whole book come across like an annoying first draft; i.e., she simply needs to re-write this a couple more times. That having been said, this is a superb collection of facts about Autism.
The Forward is written by the director of the Neuro-immune Dysfunction Syndromes Research Institute:
With the reality thet 50 to 75 percent of couples with a disabled child end up divorced, Adelle gives real advice for problems formed within the family. This book assists in understanding how the disabled child will affect the rest of the family and the relationship of the parents. Adelle's advice is very practical knowledge that she gained first-hand from having a child of her own on the spectrum.
As a pediatrician, I constantly see the stressful effects of a chronically ill child on both the child and the family. In reality these children deserve a real medical work-up, not just a label based on symptoms. I cannot count the number of children I have seen who are iron deficient, have thyroid problems, or have slow viruses altering their brains. Allergies and immune sensitivities contribute to the central nervous system dysfunction of these kids. Most of them simply do not feel well, and, as Adelle states, do not know how to tell you. These children are not oblivious to pain, as some mistakenly think; rather many are daily in a level of constant pain. What other world do they know?
Adelle writes: Children with Autism struggle in a profound way with conceptual ideas. For example, she may associate leaving the house with putting on a coat. Now imagine that same child is outside without a coat on, and the temperature dropped dramatically. Although the child might have a coat with her, even in her hands, she will not put on the coat. Why not? Because she associates the coat with leaving the house, not with cold temperature.
Adelle addresses the differing problems arising from each level of Autism: Aspergers, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism. About Aspergers specifically she writes: The most obvious symptom in Asperger's Syndrome is the socialization impairment. So much of our society's communication is based on unspoken cues, such as hand gestures, body language, eye movement, and even the pauses taken in conversation. All of those convey emotions and messages that may be subtle, but they are crucial to understanding the meaning of what a person is saying. For a person with Aspergers, those non-verbal cues are usually missed, as they live in a literal world where words have only literal meanings. Often people will misunderstand what an Asperger is trying to say because of the literalness of their speech. i.e., The Normals never say what they mean, while I take them literally. And I always say what I mean, while the Normals never take me literally.
This is the first book I have seen thet designates a place on the scale for "High Functioning Autism". According to my understanding, it goes like this: Nerd, Asperger's Syndrome, PDD-NOS, Classic Autism. Adelle writes: If the Spectrum Disorders could be viewed on a scale, High-functioning Autism (HFA) would fall between PDD-NOS and Classic Autism - though there is still a fine line between High-functioning Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. The primary difference is in the motor skills. Although there are always exceptions, children with High-functioning Autism will not always have the deficits in motor skills that a child with Aspergers displays.
First of all, I do not know why anyone would bother with the label of HFA. PDD-NOS kids often cannot talk. How could someone be considered "high functioning" if they are worse off than someone who cannot talk? This strikes me as odd considering thet HFA is much worse than Asperger's Syndrome; i.e., I did not know thet someone can have a worse case than Aspergers, and even worse than PDD-NOS, while being better physically co-ordinated. Adelle elaborates: There are other less-known disorders on the Autism Spectrum such as Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, Williams Syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome, and Landau-Kleffner Syndrome.
I looked these up and wanted to include short descriptions here, but it was just too depressing. I came to the conclusion thet it is just plain wrong to have children, for there are too many potential deficiencies thet would doom them to a life worse than mine. And most people are unfit parents anyway, they would be horrible with a Special Needs child.
Please do look up these disorders before you have kids.
Back to the book - Adelle lists more symptoms: Reduction or loss of expressive (spoken) language. No attempt to replace lost language ability with another form of communication. Inability to converse with another person even if speech is present. Repeating to themselves words without understanding their meaning, or Echolalia (repeating aloud like a parrot whatever they hear without any understanding of the meaning). Absence of imaginative play typical of their age-group. The intensely repetitive use of a VCR to watch the ending credits of a movie is a common behavior in children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. They will often spend a hour rewinding the tape to view the words as they move by on the screen. The music accompanying these credits is often as appealing.
I always hated going to the movies with anyone because they always wanted to leave before the final credits were over. I felt the need to read all the credits to give me closure on the movie. I was often angered by people getting up to go before the credits were over. All people are so painfully illiterate compared to me!
Watching the opening credits to Delicatessen is exciting for me, because it actually worships words (Google it).
Though this book is poorly written, it is well edited. It has sections interjected throughout labeled Essential, Fact, Question, and Alert. These single paragraphs add side-points to the main text thet keep this a colorful read: Sign Language is the communication tool for the deaf. Although American Sign Language is most commonly used, it is not the easiest for an ASD child to learn, as it is very conceptual. Exact Sign Language is more suitable for the way the Autistic brain works.
Here is a blurb from the internet:
Signing Exact English (SEE) is a sign language system that represents literal English. To make visible everything that is not heard, SEE supplements what a child can get from hearing and speech-reading. Since American Sign Language (ASL) has different vocabulary, idioms, and syntax from English, SEE modifies and supplements the vocabulary of ASL so children can see clearly what is said in English.
Here is another symptom of Autism I was not aware of - Adelle oddly calls it "Elopement" (once again she uses the completely wrong word), but it is the tendency of Autistic children to wander off alone. This wandering off like an Alzheimer patient is something I was not aware of as being a problem, even though as a child I would go for long walks in the woods alone every day, and as an adult my favorite thing to do is Motorcycle Adventure Riding (both of which could be manifestations of my Autistic tendencies). If you live in a city and your Autistic child wanders off, this can be dangerous.
Adelle continues to give excellent advice about aspects of dealing with Autism thet I would not have thought of; but she is such an awful writer, I am here resorting to paraphrasing: "If your child has private insurance thet does not cover Autism, and your child is seen by the doctor for an ear infection, be certain the insurance forms do not mention Autism, for this may block coverage."
She irritates me a few times with statements such as: "[If you already have an Autistic child, and] you decide you want more children, do not let others spoil your joy. These decisions are yours; you and your spouse will make the best decision for your family." BULLSHIT, I say! Only the Alpha Plusses have the right to breed, and if you are genetically deficient enough to produce an Autistic child (that is, one born Autistic), then you have no right to have another!
She continues with excellent detail addressing many side-points: "If a family member who was close to your child dies, alert your child's teachers and therapists, for behaviors may begin thet will surprise everyone ... Children with Autism may not directly express grief, but it is present."
See my Autism Lecture on The Grieving Process.
Then she irritates the crap out of me again with these appallingly stupid remarks: "Just order what your child loves and what you know she will eat. Grilled cheese and fries are a sure hit with a child. Chocolate milk can also make many things better and is always useful in calming an unhappy child. Cheeseburgers are always a success, as is spaghetti or macaroni."
What a Moron! The #1 rule of Autism is thet you must put the child on a strict GF/CF Diet! Grilled cheese is Gluten and Casein. Chocolate milk is Casein and Sugar. Cheeseburgers are Gluten and Casein. Spaghetti and macaroni are Gluten. What are these "many things", Adelle, thet are "made better" by feeding an Autistic child Sugar, Gluten, and Casein! That is not a question, you idiot!
Then she really pisses me off with another ignorant remark: "When you begin teaching your daughter how to handle the hygiene issues of having her period, it is important that a woman be part of the instructional process. If you are a single dad, you need to find some help. That I agree with, in thet it would be helpful for an adult woman to physically demonstrate on herself what the girl has yet to experience. A girl should never believe it is appropriate and acceptable for any male, of any age or relationship to her, to be in any kind of intimate contact with her."
Shut the-fuck up! A Special child needs to know her father can be trusted and helpful with such personal subjects. Adelle is almost saying thet if the girl gets raped she must never tell her father, because no male should be allowed to know anything about "what is going on down there". Fuck you, bitch! This is the most horrifically damaging advice I can imagine.
My freind Kristen got molested. She told her father, and he said, "That is a subject we do not discuss in this family." His refusal to be there to emotionally take care of his child was the ultimate betrayal of a father to his daughter. It damaged her ability to trust any man. His emotional betrayal was more damaging to her than the molestation.
Another example is of a divorced couple who had a 12 year old daughter. The girl lived with her mother. The girl got brutally molested. The mother told the girl thet she must never tell her father, because "it would hurt him too much." So the girl froze up and stopped growing. By the time she was 20 she was in constant hysteria. The mother then sent her to live with her father, who only then found out thet his 20 year old daughter was still emotionally 12, for she had stopped at the age she was when the abuse happened. She was a sexually terrified basket-case because she was forbidden to be comforted when she needed her daddy more than anything. The man was so furious with his ex-wife, thet he wanted to kill her. I suggest he would have been justified.
Adelle is almost this horrifically damaging by suggesting thet a father must never acknowledge even the menstruation of his own child! What will happen, Adelle, if that girl ever gets raped?
They need to be allowed to trust their own lover, and cling to their daddy for emotional support if they ever meet with sexual abuse.
And your asinine remark thet "no male must ever be in any intimate contact with her" is also strangulating thus damaging her otherwise normal sexuality. Autistics and even Retards have every right to their own sex-life! By keeping them strictly segregated from "intimate contact" with the opposite sex, you are provoking a desperate sexual frustration in them, which sets them up to be the perfect victim.
Protecting a Special child from sexual predators is tremendously important, but this type of child needs an even more intimate trusting relationship with her father (and several other adult male role-models), at least on the subject of menstruation, and especially on anything sexual for Krysake, than a normal kid would - you moron!
See my Autism Lecture on Autistic Sex, wherein I address (INTELLIGENTLY) the sexuality of Autistic and Retarded people.
Adelle stating, A girl should never believe it is appropriate and acceptable for any male, of any age or relationship to her, to be in any kind of intimate contact with her is sexual abuse! Why don't you cut her clitoris out, sew her shut, and put her in a burka, you abusive pervert! Who the hell do you think you are suggesting my Special daughter has no right to her own sexuality! Shut up!
I demand you read my Autistic Sex lecture (and agree with every word of it or I will kick you in the head!).
And I am not done beating idiots over the head! My Special daughter can jill-off when she damn well feels like it, she will have numerous very understanding boyfriends (watched like a hawk by Dad!), lovers (and even professional sex surrogates) who can be properly trained, and hopefully she can get married, and even adopt a child some day. How dare you suggest she does not have the right to these things! Saying she should not even believe she has a right to "intimate contact" is so abusive. After you cut her clitoris off, why don't you give her a lobotomy so she will not be able to believe she has a right to her own sex life and physical intimacy. You are an asshole and a pervert. Shut the-fuck up you stupid cunt!
Next Adelle says, "Visualization is a very helpful tool for people with Autism. The Autistic mind processes things visually, so it is the strongest learning center an Autistic person has." This is true in the case of Temple Grandin, wherein she has literally superhuman visual processing ability. But in my case, I am hardly visual at all - I am very audio and scent oriented. All my life I have smelled things rather than looked at them. Some Autistics lick and taste everything because that is their only consistently accurate sense. The point is thet Adelle once again makes a blanket statement about all Autistics which is just not true (see Keli in the documentary A Mother's Courage, being utterly unable to handle visual stimuli).
She returns to talking about Escaping kids, and how Autistics can thus become abducted more easily than normal kids: "In public do not use your child's name excessively. Children will go to an adult who knows their name almost without exception. Even if a child understands the concept of what a stranger is, that child may not consider a person who knows their name to be a stranger." That is a point well taken, especially concerning an Autistic child who often does not readily recognize faces.
She contradicts herself on the subject of GF/CF: "The premise of eliminating Gluten and Casein from the diet involves a theory that Autism could potentially be a metabolic disorder or an auto-immune disease. It is suspected that the body may be having a toxicological response to the molecule of Gluten, and that the central nervous system behavior is affected by the action of the molecule in a body that cannot tolerate it. Because the structure of the Casein molecule is similar to Gluten, it is also included in the elimination diet. This is very similar to Celiac Disease, an auto-immune disease. Interestingly, children with Celiac Disease rarely have Autism, but many children with Autism also have Celiac Disease."
From my experience I have found this to be true. The book Gut And Psychology Syndrome (see my review) attempts to prove this point, suggesting Autism is as much an intestinal problem as it is a brain problem.
When I went on MMS it altered my intestinal chemistry enough to change my life, making my bowel movements and even my scent change character drastically, and also reducing my Autism symptoms. MMS only changes your gut, not your brain.
"Vitamin B6 is a very popular form of treatment. Individuals require different levels of B6, and if a person has a deficiency, taking large doses will assist them. If that is the case, Autism could also be viewed as a vitamin deficiency, much like how Scurvy results from a lack of vitamin C. The key is balancing the B6 intake with the other vitamins that utilize B6. Magnesium is used to counteract the larger B6 intake and has been shown to be effective as well."
I concur with her analysis. I have been taking mega-doses of B Complex my whole life long, without which I stress out horribly. Magnesium also positively effected my Celiac Disease - I started taking it when I started taking the MMS. Together they have changed my life.
Taking note of my above-mentioned (justified) harsh criticisms of Adelle personally ("Sugar, chocolate, Gluten, and Casien are good for Autistics; and because all men are rapists, all Autistic girls should be clitoridectomised and lobotomised"), I still recommend this book for it's impressive detail addressing every possible aspect of dealing with an Autistic kid. She even explains how to get on SSI, how to deal with the appallingly ignorant medical profession, and how to use the loopholes in your health-insurance.
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The Hidden Child
The Linwood Method of reaching the Autistic child
by Jeanne Simons and Sabine Oishi
Not to be confused with another book called The Hidden Child: Kids with Autism (I have not yet read), this is such a lovely book.
The title should say Teaching rather than Reaching, for it is just such a wonderful way to teach kids. The Way being thet they do not push kids into learning, nor even lead them; they follow them, literally physically staying behind them throughout the day to watch what path they will choose on their own, then helping them on their way along that path. This results in them refraining from wasting time trying to teach non-verbal kids to talk, or trying to train gaze-averse kids to look you in the eye, etc. They see thet a specific child is fascinated with grid patterns, so they help that kid move in to geometry classes; if a kid is fascinated with sound patterns, they get them into music classes, etc. They learn how to see the world through the Autistic child’s eyes, following them into learning rather than leading them. It is just wonderful; and forget Autism, I think this is the way all children should be taught.
Linwood School and their Center for Autistic Children were both founded in 1955. They remain the few schools devoted exclusively to Autistics.
At this time in history (1955), Autistics were about to be segregated as un-treatable by the State. Jeanne Simons received permission to work with Autistics, for the State had no other options, other than institutionalization (read: the pointless warehousing of Autistics with no treatment at all).
Many Autistic children have violent tantrums during which they become destructive or self-aggressive. This hitting biting and scratching themselves was sometimes mistaken by doctors as behavior typical of Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome.
The Wikipedia page for Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome says this:
Lesch–Nyhan Syndrome is a rare inherited disorder caused by a deficiency of the enzyme hypoxanthine-guanine phosphoribosyl transferase, produced by mutations in the HPRT gene located on the X Chromosome. It affects about one in 380,000 births. The disorder was first recognized in 1964.
The deficiency causes a build-up of uric acid in all body fluids. Neurological signs include poor muscle control and moderate intellectual disability. These complications usually appear in the first year of life. Beginning in the second year of life, a particularly striking feature is self-mutilating behaviors, characterized by lip and finger biting. Neurological symptoms include facial grimacing, involuntary writhing, and repetitive movements of the arms and legs similar to those seen in Huntington’s disease.
This could be mistaken for Autistic Stimming.
The following are the basic tenets that define the Linwood approach:
1) The child is accepted in his totality. At no time in his behavior labeled “good” or “bad.” It is assumed that a child acts the way he does because that is the only option he has. The environment is thus structured in ways to encourage change, to diminish dangerous or inappropriate behaviors, and to develop more appropriate ones.
2) Treatment is aimed at identifying behaviors that can be worked with, rather than suppressing symptoms that may interfere with learning.
3) All education is therapy, all therapy is education. The main emphasis of educational therapy is not on academic content, but the atmosphere in which learning takes place.
This is the polar opposite of public school wherein you are made to mindlessly parrot useless crap in a bullying atmosphere of hostility and fear; all thet matters to them is thet you jumped through the pointless hoops to nowhere. Stumbling out of High School literally unable to read your own Diploma.
Some children climb onto an adult’s lap as they would a chair, or place an object within the adult’s reach. It is hard to realize that this is not an overture to cuddling or play. But that they have simply come to accepts the adult as one of the objects in the room among which they move with relative indifference. During the early stages of treatment the therapist has to discipline himself to remain unresponsive, as if he actually were just another piece of furniture.
Even once a child seems to seek contact by climbing or clinging, the adult must wait to respond until the child makes it very clear that he really wants interaction.
By keeping the atmosphere unemotional and the contacts undemanding, these first interchanges remain manageable and safe for the child.
To get Mary in touch with the other children and limit her time in isolation without interfering too drastically with her obsessive need to hide, her teacher invented a game that consisted of hiding in a closet. All the children in the group were encouraged to crawl in and out of the hiding hole, or play a game of closing the door and then being found. This modified form of hide-and-seek legitimized the hiding, while turn-taking, and coming out of the safe place as well as being alone in it. Seeing the other children share the closet eventually helped Mary to be more comfortable in the room and with the group.
8-year-old Neil would dreamily suck his thumb. Thinking that he might have missed sucking as a baby, the staff filled a pitcher, a doll’s bottle, and a baby bottle with milk. He happily settled into the therapists arms and began to suck the baby’s bottle.
After a short time he laughed out loud as if at a joke, unscrewed the top, poured the milk into a cup and drank it. He did this for several days, always starting out with the bottle and ending with the cup, while always cuddled in the therapists lap.
After a few days he poured the milk into the bottle first, then immediately decanted it into the cup, drinking it on the adult’s lap. Eventually he moved to a chair of his own next to the therapist, and shortly there-after he gave up the bottle ritual altogether.
By letting the child take the lead this way, the skills he exhibits are supported, while his infantile needs are acknowledged and gratified. He is encouraged to make his own choices.
Patrick was already in the Schoolroom (the placement for the highest functioning children) and was almost ready for transition to Public School when the staff noticed that he took every opportunity to sneak into the room of the youngest children, where he furtively handled the stuffed animals. The problem was how to contrive a situation that would let Patrick play like a small child and indulge his need for cuddling toy animals, without losing his status as a Schoolroom boy.
The solution was to tell Patrick that a helper was needed to tidy the room of the youngest children, and he was offered the job. Ostensibly tidying up, he had legitimate reason to play with the stuffed animals to his heart’s content. He was given responsibility commensurate with his age, while having the chance to become a little boy again for a while.
When his interest in stuffed animals seemed to fade, Patrick’s schedule was re-arranged and he was given some other job more appropriate for his age.
For the therapists, sharing the children prevents them from becoming immobilized through a pathological dependency, and makes it easier to avoid the compulsively intense relationships that might become a burden for the adult who’s life the child invades with insistent demands. A child’s need to be with a particular staff member at a particular time can also become a weapon to control the environment. One solution is for the staff to decide on a rotation schedule. The child may claim one staffer at a certain predetermined time, another child claims them at another time. In this way he gets the attention he craves, from his favorite people, without being allowed to interfere with the staff’s work with other children.
This aspect of Autism I strongly identify with, wherein I am only able to focus on 1 thing at a time, thus when I am with someone I demand their full attention, and when I and not with them I have nearly forgotten they exist.
This also manifests as a typical problem for Aspies when it comes to romance, we become fixated on one person and scare them away with our emotional intensity; described above as "compulsively intense relationships." They cannot help but feel we are potential stalkers, when the facts are when we are not with them we forget they exist and become equally fixated on something else (we also readily forget when we are back with that person again).
To paraphrase: A child may exhibit negative behavior by pulling hair, pushing, poking, or even kicking people. They do this because they like the person, and are so socially inept they can think of no other way to express it.
You see this a lot in Normal teenagers who “flirt” with each other by being playfully mean. That is the last thing they actually want to express, but they are too socially immature to know how else to interact. The Normals eventually figure it out (on their own because no Normal adults ever teach them anything), while an Autistic may not ever figure it out (with or without instruction).
I found it outright painful to go to the Normals’ parties. They often consisted of the girls all clustering together dancing in the middle of the room, while the boys sat around the outside edge watching them. The girls desperately wanted some boy to choose them, but the boys had no clue how to do that, while terrified of risking rejection with the other boys watching. The overall level of anxiety in the boys and despair in the girls was just nauseating to me. It made me feel so desperately lonely for them.
I was always (and obviously always will be) a anthropologist from Mars. I was objectively detached and thus saw this obvious social ineptness in the Normals, at that age (high school). I kept wondering why they did not turn off the damn music, sit down and lecture-at-I-mean-talk to each other.
The Normals eventually learn how to “play the game” and thus pair-off (in their bumbling illiterate way). Autistics may never learn how to do that.
Today I am 52 years old and still have no clue what the Normals consider appropriate flirtatious behavior. If I get a crush on someone, all I can think to do is give them my card with my web-site address on it and tell them I wish they would go there and read it, but like me anyway, because I really like them. They go deer in headlights and wonder why I would think that was flirtatious.
Well, if some Aspergirl directed me to her web-site thet consisted entirely of words words words, I would probably be seduced! So that is all I can think of to do to try to merely flirt with someone (thus explaining why I have never “paired-off”).
Unfortunately the Normals do not read. Instead the girls toss their hair and pose, which I just find annoying because there are no words involved.
So, back to the subject at hand - Autistic kids may try to acquire the attention of their favorite adult by doing very irritating things which might even repel that adult. The best way to deal with negative ways of getting attention is to demonstrate more acceptable ways of interacting, and ignoring the negative advances, without letting the child get away with it. This is done by the Sharing technique described above – and below:
While the therapist was occupied with Eric, Clem threw himself on the floor, laughing and fooling around trying to get her attention. Looking around, the therapist saw 1 of Clem’s pictures displayed on the wall. While continuing her activity with Eric, she wondered aloud, “Who drew that nice picture?” Clem stopped his silliness, stood up, and told her what the picture was all about. She asked him whether he thought he could make another picture as nice, and offered him a chair at the table close to her. He began to draw, wanting her attention on his activity. She told him she wanted the picture to be a surprise and that she would not look at it until he was finished. That was all he needed, and he did not interrupt her work with Eric anymore.
Hal was testing limits by urinating everywhere except in the bathroom. He had been toilet trained for some time, but he discovered that urinating elsewhere got people riled up and earned him extra attention. One day at lunch, when all the food had been served, Hal stood up and prepared to “bless” the food. Instead of trying to deflect his aim, scolding him, or removing him from the table, the counselor calmly said, “Under the table, not on it.” Stumped, the child hesitated for a moment, then sat down and ate his lunch without further disruption.
One little girl kept the night staff busy by soiling herself. Several times in a row she would be given a bath and changed. Instead of reprimanding her, the therapist ignored her while casually mentioning to the aide that it was very lucky they had so many clean pajamas and sheets. The fact that her behavior did not seem to upset the staff, that they did not seem to be worried about running out of pajamas or sheets, and appeared prepared to change her indefinitely, seemed to give her pause. When the next instance of soiling came, she was again cleaned up without comment or any show of displeasure. When she was tucked into bed again, the counselor fetched the remaining stack of pajamas and sheets and said pleasantly, “Here is a whole lot of pajamas and sheets. You know what to do.” There was no protest, and that was the last time she soiled.
They invest some time explaining how much children learn by observing the behavior of the adults around them. It amazes me how so few adults understand thet saying “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work; and how 2 year-olds already know what gender they are and what role society expects of them accordingly. This is why I like the idea of having an Autistic child, they would not necessarily pick up on those things, and thus could be allowed to choose for themselves who and what they want to be. Of course you still have to provide them with role-models (who are also oblivious to social norms).
The only time I feel like there is nothing wrong with me is when I go on motorcycle adventure rides, camping with a bike for months at a time, alone. I only do and think what occurs to me of my own accord; I do not need to struggle to see what is going on around me socially, nor stop talking out loud to myself, nor even wear clothes, etc. I just be me. I would love to take my child on such trips, to give them the perspective of what they could be like if simply left alone to discover who that may be (reiterating the point made with the technique used by these schools, wherein they follow the child through education, rather than push or pull them).
The cliche behavior of the Normals’ children, impulsively engaging in recreational vandalism when left to their own devices, is repugnant to me. In this case (teenagers driving around at night, drunk, smashing mailboxes) they are not even actually alone with their own devices; they only do this when in groups, engaging in such sociopathic behavior in order to show off to each other; circle-jerking their mutual insanity – the sole lessons they learned from public school.
The public school system presents a model of behavior (thet does not actually exist; i.e., no one ever says, “This is the ideal you are expected to ape.”). The kids just pick up the unspoken rules; which of course are: 1) Narc is a dirty word (remain silent when those around you are engaging in War Crimes). 2) Never say anything when you talk (terrified thet if someone finds out what you actually think or feel, they will (and in fact are required to) attack you. 3) Maintain your terrified superficiality at all times. 4) “Impress” your “friends” by showing off doing things you all know full-well are bad.
I loved the Autistic child in the movie The Daisy Chain (see my review), who on her own discovered thet she was a Faerie. She was allowed to run around by herself and discover this on her own (of course this character was actually very neglected) rather than be coerced and bullied into the terrified egoless superficial sociopaths all Normals are. (See my Autism Lecture #11 on Pride).
I think it would be wonderful to take my child with me on 60-day camping trips, where we could avoid all social interaction, and I would offer no influence myself, other than to be an exceptionally good listener. My child would be allowed to just be. And I would follow them into their own education.
I love this book.
Some children go to extraordinary lengths to protect their private world, and only the most painstakingly and prolonged observation will eventually uncover some hidden need or ability.
The story is told of Gil, a non-verbal 4-year-old who would spit gallons to get people to leave him his space. He thus maintained half a table to himself by producing a slippery surface several feet around him. Because he hated everything, they had difficulty finding something he liked enough to get him to limit his spitting. He did however like to receive a donut after dinner. So the therapist simply said she was tired of having to step in spit to bring him his donut. Gil thus kept a path of dry floor for her to walk on. After that he was told thet he could only spit around his own plate. This he did in exchange for his daily donut. But he still spit gallons.
Later the therapist cut out a disk of cardboard and placed it at the end of a long table. Telling Gil she thought she could spit better than he could, they had a spitting contest. This turned his intentionally repellant spitting into a form of social interaction, which also required him to share and take turns. The resulting soggy cardboard was then hung as “abstract art.” From there the daily-produced wet cardboard circles were used as bases for water-color paintings. Eventually Gil became so fascinated with the painting, he started using actual water, rather than spit, to make them. From there he learned his colors, geometric shapes, and eventually to count – activities which had not interested him before. And he ceased spitting entirely.
This once again demonstrates the technique of following the child into education, rather than pushing them.
This also reminds me of what was said in my review of the book Nobody Nowhere, wherein the child Donna was fascinated with the sound of metal clanking, resulting in her obsessively ringing the doorbell, to the exasperation of her parents, who eventually disconnected the damn thing to shut her up. They should have instead recognized she was leading them into her education, and got her a xylophone (eventually she did become a musician, no thanks to her parents). If she had played the xylophone, rather than the doorbell, obsessively all day long she could have become a maestro in the symphony. Instead it was quashed; her budding talent dismissed as just an irritating fixation.
It really is that simple: What is a doorbell? It is basically a xylophone, so get the kid a xylophone. What is spit? It is basically water, so get the kid some water-colors.
Of course, when a screaming Autistic is tantrumming by spitting, it is hard for the frazzled parents to see it as a budding art-form. But that is the technique these people invented: spectacular patients, and emotionless observation for months until they discover how the “bad behavior” can be seen as the child leading them into education
A child who plays with his feces does not think of it as something dirty. Thus it is obviously necessary to demonstrate to them the difference between their bowel movements and their toys. As long as no particular emotion is attached to the BM, it is possible to convince the child that it is an object among other objects, and like them has it’s place and it’s function. Blocks or Play-doh belong in the playroom; they have their proper containers and can be played with in certain ways. Just as blocks are stacked, rather than thrown, and Play-doh is modeled, not eaten, the BM has it’s proper place where it is handled in a specific way.
Violently-aggressive Bruno threw whole plates full of food, hitting other children in the head. They thus made him use only paper plates, but the behavior continued, and was still unacceptable.
Capitalizing on his fascination with airports, the therapist suggested he could be a better pilot if his planes were not so over-loaded with cargo. He thus only threw them after he had eaten all the food they bore.
He still threw the plates, hitting other children in the head. He was told he could lose his pilot’s license if he did not learn to steer better, so he then more carefully flew them over the others.
On days it was raining or foggy, he was told the airport was closed due to weather, and because he was now such a good pilot he should look for a larger airport that was not closed so often. So they moved the “airport” from the dining room into the play-room.
Since it was a bigger airport, he demanded more planes. He was given a whole stack of paper plates, to which he gave names he wrote on them. Eventually geography was added to the game using real names of cities and countries he could fly to. He wrote, colored, and cut out designs on all of them.
Other skills and interests Bruno developed were worked with there and expanded on in different contexts.
Later he was given actual Frisbees which flew a lot better than paper plates. He was told thet because they could fly so much further, they should have 1 pilot fly them one-way, and another pilot would fly them back. For the first time, Bruno was involved in positive interaction with other children, and involved with a number of new skills and relationships on which further treatment could be built.
Terry was fixated on a red sock. He carried it with him at all times. The therapist was able to hide the sock while Terry watched - these hiding places were very easily accessible. But later Terry had to climb, learn to open cabinets with differing fasteners, and untie knots when the sock was tied to a chair-leg. In every case, possession of the sock was his reward, but in the course of acquiring it he was learning many new things (as was the process with Bruno above). As his interests in other subjects increased (with the sock as the vehicle) his obsessive attachment to the sock waned, and it could be put away for longer periods. Eventually he gave up his sock fixation.
Non-verbal Nancy was fixated on the stairs. She claimed them entirely for herself and would have the ultimate screaming rage-attack if anyone else used them. Since the stairs were not movable objects thet could be played with as tools for further growth, or moved elsewhere so she could be allowed to scream over them, she was taken to a private room and told thet this was the proper time and place for screaming, not the stairwell (where her piercing screams reverberated throughout the building). She was told to scream as much as she could, because this was the last time she would be allowed to scream. This panicked her into a 2-hour scream-fest, encouraged by the therapist who repeatedly told her she did not think she was finished screaming yet.
The therapist showed no emotion, but was otherwise very attentive and encouraging of Nancy’s vocalization. After 2 hours she finally became exhausted, and was told “If you are really done screaming you are now going to talk.” Nancy then spoke for the first time.
From that time on, the unprovoked screaming disappeared, and Nancy only screamed when there was clear reason for the upset.
They suggest thet being non-verbal may be a choice in some cases, wherein the child’s mutism is a defense against interaction. From my perspective being non-verbal is caused by lack of co-ordination, not refusal to speak, and/or the child thinks only in pictures and thus has tremendous difficulty putting those (sometimes genius) thoughts into words. See (my review of) the documentary Wretches and Jabberers for elaboration – wherein a whole group of non-verbals feel tremendously relieved to at last have other non-verbals to interact with; i.e., their inability to speak was not a choice, it was a disability.
They discuss the trait of an Autistic asking a question as a statement; such as “You will help me” rather than “Will you help me”, or interchanging “I” with “You”. This combines with Echolalia, wherein when the child is asked “Are you all right?” they will repeat “Are you all right?” rather than “I am all right.”
The point I would like to make concerning this is thet when someone asks “How do you do”, they are not necessarily requesting information; they may not really want to hear how you are doing, they may be just saying it as a form of social graces. The Autistic either does not understand that point, and thus actually tells the person how they are doing, or recognizes this is not an actual request for information, and thus ignores it. These things are both typical symptoms of AS: “rudely” refusing (or at least neglecting) to answer questions, or spilling their guts to startled strangers.
At home Sydney used to get a cookie to console him whenever he got hurt, even though at that time he never showed any reaction to pain. After a year of treatment, Sydney finally became aware of pain. Whenever he got hurt, he would say “cookie”. But when he was given a cookie he was not really interested in it. Instead of eating it, he would take it to the first aid cabinet and ask for a band-aide for his cookie. Once Sydney had an infected cut on his finger, which he showed to the therapist, saying “cookie”. When a cookie was offered, he refused it. He instead led the therapist to the kitchen, got a bowl, and pointed to the kettle on the stove. The therapist poured a bowl of warm water, and Sydney, satisfied, soaked his finger, stating "cookie." His parents had inadvertently taught him thet the word "cookie" meant "hurt".
Pushing language on a child before it makes sense to him to use it may be futile, or produce a drilled-in response.
The words they hear are often just sounds without meaning. This can also go the other direction, wherein the invented words they use (Neologisms) have an emotional definition to them but are gibberish to anyone else; thus, in some cases, the words you use may seem like gibberish to them, while the words they use are gibberish to you.
See Bjork, Gary Numan, and Anna Homler intentionally writing song lyrics in gibberish because the mood invoked (in them) by that particular combination of letters fits the mood of the music (to them).
This book ends by repeating the basics of The Linwood Method, that being the importance of following the child into education rather than pushing or pulling them.
On initial impulse, I am more the conducting deaf symphonies with a baseball bat type of Aries temperament, thus I feel humbled reading this book. It is lovely throughout. It makes me really analyze what type of (Aspie) parent I think I would be, and makes me fine-tune my idealized goals as such.
Completely unrelated to this book is a Ted Talk, at
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are#
which also invokes in me the desire to cultivate the ideal parenting skills in myself.
Also see http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_love_no_matter_what#t-45707
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The Linwood Method of reaching the Autistic child
by Jeanne Simons and Sabine Oishi
Not to be confused with another book called The Hidden Child: Kids with Autism (I have not yet read), this is such a lovely book.
The title should say Teaching rather than Reaching, for it is just such a wonderful way to teach kids. The Way being thet they do not push kids into learning, nor even lead them; they follow them, literally physically staying behind them throughout the day to watch what path they will choose on their own, then helping them on their way along that path. This results in them refraining from wasting time trying to teach non-verbal kids to talk, or trying to train gaze-averse kids to look you in the eye, etc. They see thet a specific child is fascinated with grid patterns, so they help that kid move in to geometry classes; if a kid is fascinated with sound patterns, they get them into music classes, etc. They learn how to see the world through the Autistic child’s eyes, following them into learning rather than leading them. It is just wonderful; and forget Autism, I think this is the way all children should be taught.
Linwood School and their Center for Autistic Children were both founded in 1955. They remain the few schools devoted exclusively to Autistics.
At this time in history (1955), Autistics were about to be segregated as un-treatable by the State. Jeanne Simons received permission to work with Autistics, for the State had no other options, other than institutionalization (read: the pointless warehousing of Autistics with no treatment at all).
Many Autistic children have violent tantrums during which they become destructive or self-aggressive. This hitting biting and scratching themselves was sometimes mistaken by doctors as behavior typical of Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome.
The Wikipedia page for Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome says this:
Lesch–Nyhan Syndrome is a rare inherited disorder caused by a deficiency of the enzyme hypoxanthine-guanine phosphoribosyl transferase, produced by mutations in the HPRT gene located on the X Chromosome. It affects about one in 380,000 births. The disorder was first recognized in 1964.
The deficiency causes a build-up of uric acid in all body fluids. Neurological signs include poor muscle control and moderate intellectual disability. These complications usually appear in the first year of life. Beginning in the second year of life, a particularly striking feature is self-mutilating behaviors, characterized by lip and finger biting. Neurological symptoms include facial grimacing, involuntary writhing, and repetitive movements of the arms and legs similar to those seen in Huntington’s disease.
This could be mistaken for Autistic Stimming.
The following are the basic tenets that define the Linwood approach:
1) The child is accepted in his totality. At no time in his behavior labeled “good” or “bad.” It is assumed that a child acts the way he does because that is the only option he has. The environment is thus structured in ways to encourage change, to diminish dangerous or inappropriate behaviors, and to develop more appropriate ones.
2) Treatment is aimed at identifying behaviors that can be worked with, rather than suppressing symptoms that may interfere with learning.
3) All education is therapy, all therapy is education. The main emphasis of educational therapy is not on academic content, but the atmosphere in which learning takes place.
This is the polar opposite of public school wherein you are made to mindlessly parrot useless crap in a bullying atmosphere of hostility and fear; all thet matters to them is thet you jumped through the pointless hoops to nowhere. Stumbling out of High School literally unable to read your own Diploma.
Some children climb onto an adult’s lap as they would a chair, or place an object within the adult’s reach. It is hard to realize that this is not an overture to cuddling or play. But that they have simply come to accepts the adult as one of the objects in the room among which they move with relative indifference. During the early stages of treatment the therapist has to discipline himself to remain unresponsive, as if he actually were just another piece of furniture.
Even once a child seems to seek contact by climbing or clinging, the adult must wait to respond until the child makes it very clear that he really wants interaction.
By keeping the atmosphere unemotional and the contacts undemanding, these first interchanges remain manageable and safe for the child.
To get Mary in touch with the other children and limit her time in isolation without interfering too drastically with her obsessive need to hide, her teacher invented a game that consisted of hiding in a closet. All the children in the group were encouraged to crawl in and out of the hiding hole, or play a game of closing the door and then being found. This modified form of hide-and-seek legitimized the hiding, while turn-taking, and coming out of the safe place as well as being alone in it. Seeing the other children share the closet eventually helped Mary to be more comfortable in the room and with the group.
8-year-old Neil would dreamily suck his thumb. Thinking that he might have missed sucking as a baby, the staff filled a pitcher, a doll’s bottle, and a baby bottle with milk. He happily settled into the therapists arms and began to suck the baby’s bottle.
After a short time he laughed out loud as if at a joke, unscrewed the top, poured the milk into a cup and drank it. He did this for several days, always starting out with the bottle and ending with the cup, while always cuddled in the therapists lap.
After a few days he poured the milk into the bottle first, then immediately decanted it into the cup, drinking it on the adult’s lap. Eventually he moved to a chair of his own next to the therapist, and shortly there-after he gave up the bottle ritual altogether.
By letting the child take the lead this way, the skills he exhibits are supported, while his infantile needs are acknowledged and gratified. He is encouraged to make his own choices.
Patrick was already in the Schoolroom (the placement for the highest functioning children) and was almost ready for transition to Public School when the staff noticed that he took every opportunity to sneak into the room of the youngest children, where he furtively handled the stuffed animals. The problem was how to contrive a situation that would let Patrick play like a small child and indulge his need for cuddling toy animals, without losing his status as a Schoolroom boy.
The solution was to tell Patrick that a helper was needed to tidy the room of the youngest children, and he was offered the job. Ostensibly tidying up, he had legitimate reason to play with the stuffed animals to his heart’s content. He was given responsibility commensurate with his age, while having the chance to become a little boy again for a while.
When his interest in stuffed animals seemed to fade, Patrick’s schedule was re-arranged and he was given some other job more appropriate for his age.
For the therapists, sharing the children prevents them from becoming immobilized through a pathological dependency, and makes it easier to avoid the compulsively intense relationships that might become a burden for the adult who’s life the child invades with insistent demands. A child’s need to be with a particular staff member at a particular time can also become a weapon to control the environment. One solution is for the staff to decide on a rotation schedule. The child may claim one staffer at a certain predetermined time, another child claims them at another time. In this way he gets the attention he craves, from his favorite people, without being allowed to interfere with the staff’s work with other children.
This aspect of Autism I strongly identify with, wherein I am only able to focus on 1 thing at a time, thus when I am with someone I demand their full attention, and when I and not with them I have nearly forgotten they exist.
This also manifests as a typical problem for Aspies when it comes to romance, we become fixated on one person and scare them away with our emotional intensity; described above as "compulsively intense relationships." They cannot help but feel we are potential stalkers, when the facts are when we are not with them we forget they exist and become equally fixated on something else (we also readily forget when we are back with that person again).
To paraphrase: A child may exhibit negative behavior by pulling hair, pushing, poking, or even kicking people. They do this because they like the person, and are so socially inept they can think of no other way to express it.
You see this a lot in Normal teenagers who “flirt” with each other by being playfully mean. That is the last thing they actually want to express, but they are too socially immature to know how else to interact. The Normals eventually figure it out (on their own because no Normal adults ever teach them anything), while an Autistic may not ever figure it out (with or without instruction).
I found it outright painful to go to the Normals’ parties. They often consisted of the girls all clustering together dancing in the middle of the room, while the boys sat around the outside edge watching them. The girls desperately wanted some boy to choose them, but the boys had no clue how to do that, while terrified of risking rejection with the other boys watching. The overall level of anxiety in the boys and despair in the girls was just nauseating to me. It made me feel so desperately lonely for them.
I was always (and obviously always will be) a anthropologist from Mars. I was objectively detached and thus saw this obvious social ineptness in the Normals, at that age (high school). I kept wondering why they did not turn off the damn music, sit down and lecture-at-I-mean-talk to each other.
The Normals eventually learn how to “play the game” and thus pair-off (in their bumbling illiterate way). Autistics may never learn how to do that.
Today I am 52 years old and still have no clue what the Normals consider appropriate flirtatious behavior. If I get a crush on someone, all I can think to do is give them my card with my web-site address on it and tell them I wish they would go there and read it, but like me anyway, because I really like them. They go deer in headlights and wonder why I would think that was flirtatious.
Well, if some Aspergirl directed me to her web-site thet consisted entirely of words words words, I would probably be seduced! So that is all I can think of to do to try to merely flirt with someone (thus explaining why I have never “paired-off”).
Unfortunately the Normals do not read. Instead the girls toss their hair and pose, which I just find annoying because there are no words involved.
So, back to the subject at hand - Autistic kids may try to acquire the attention of their favorite adult by doing very irritating things which might even repel that adult. The best way to deal with negative ways of getting attention is to demonstrate more acceptable ways of interacting, and ignoring the negative advances, without letting the child get away with it. This is done by the Sharing technique described above – and below:
While the therapist was occupied with Eric, Clem threw himself on the floor, laughing and fooling around trying to get her attention. Looking around, the therapist saw 1 of Clem’s pictures displayed on the wall. While continuing her activity with Eric, she wondered aloud, “Who drew that nice picture?” Clem stopped his silliness, stood up, and told her what the picture was all about. She asked him whether he thought he could make another picture as nice, and offered him a chair at the table close to her. He began to draw, wanting her attention on his activity. She told him she wanted the picture to be a surprise and that she would not look at it until he was finished. That was all he needed, and he did not interrupt her work with Eric anymore.
Hal was testing limits by urinating everywhere except in the bathroom. He had been toilet trained for some time, but he discovered that urinating elsewhere got people riled up and earned him extra attention. One day at lunch, when all the food had been served, Hal stood up and prepared to “bless” the food. Instead of trying to deflect his aim, scolding him, or removing him from the table, the counselor calmly said, “Under the table, not on it.” Stumped, the child hesitated for a moment, then sat down and ate his lunch without further disruption.
One little girl kept the night staff busy by soiling herself. Several times in a row she would be given a bath and changed. Instead of reprimanding her, the therapist ignored her while casually mentioning to the aide that it was very lucky they had so many clean pajamas and sheets. The fact that her behavior did not seem to upset the staff, that they did not seem to be worried about running out of pajamas or sheets, and appeared prepared to change her indefinitely, seemed to give her pause. When the next instance of soiling came, she was again cleaned up without comment or any show of displeasure. When she was tucked into bed again, the counselor fetched the remaining stack of pajamas and sheets and said pleasantly, “Here is a whole lot of pajamas and sheets. You know what to do.” There was no protest, and that was the last time she soiled.
They invest some time explaining how much children learn by observing the behavior of the adults around them. It amazes me how so few adults understand thet saying “Do as I say, not as I do” does not work; and how 2 year-olds already know what gender they are and what role society expects of them accordingly. This is why I like the idea of having an Autistic child, they would not necessarily pick up on those things, and thus could be allowed to choose for themselves who and what they want to be. Of course you still have to provide them with role-models (who are also oblivious to social norms).
The only time I feel like there is nothing wrong with me is when I go on motorcycle adventure rides, camping with a bike for months at a time, alone. I only do and think what occurs to me of my own accord; I do not need to struggle to see what is going on around me socially, nor stop talking out loud to myself, nor even wear clothes, etc. I just be me. I would love to take my child on such trips, to give them the perspective of what they could be like if simply left alone to discover who that may be (reiterating the point made with the technique used by these schools, wherein they follow the child through education, rather than push or pull them).
The cliche behavior of the Normals’ children, impulsively engaging in recreational vandalism when left to their own devices, is repugnant to me. In this case (teenagers driving around at night, drunk, smashing mailboxes) they are not even actually alone with their own devices; they only do this when in groups, engaging in such sociopathic behavior in order to show off to each other; circle-jerking their mutual insanity – the sole lessons they learned from public school.
The public school system presents a model of behavior (thet does not actually exist; i.e., no one ever says, “This is the ideal you are expected to ape.”). The kids just pick up the unspoken rules; which of course are: 1) Narc is a dirty word (remain silent when those around you are engaging in War Crimes). 2) Never say anything when you talk (terrified thet if someone finds out what you actually think or feel, they will (and in fact are required to) attack you. 3) Maintain your terrified superficiality at all times. 4) “Impress” your “friends” by showing off doing things you all know full-well are bad.
I loved the Autistic child in the movie The Daisy Chain (see my review), who on her own discovered thet she was a Faerie. She was allowed to run around by herself and discover this on her own (of course this character was actually very neglected) rather than be coerced and bullied into the terrified egoless superficial sociopaths all Normals are. (See my Autism Lecture #11 on Pride).
I think it would be wonderful to take my child with me on 60-day camping trips, where we could avoid all social interaction, and I would offer no influence myself, other than to be an exceptionally good listener. My child would be allowed to just be. And I would follow them into their own education.
I love this book.
Some children go to extraordinary lengths to protect their private world, and only the most painstakingly and prolonged observation will eventually uncover some hidden need or ability.
The story is told of Gil, a non-verbal 4-year-old who would spit gallons to get people to leave him his space. He thus maintained half a table to himself by producing a slippery surface several feet around him. Because he hated everything, they had difficulty finding something he liked enough to get him to limit his spitting. He did however like to receive a donut after dinner. So the therapist simply said she was tired of having to step in spit to bring him his donut. Gil thus kept a path of dry floor for her to walk on. After that he was told thet he could only spit around his own plate. This he did in exchange for his daily donut. But he still spit gallons.
Later the therapist cut out a disk of cardboard and placed it at the end of a long table. Telling Gil she thought she could spit better than he could, they had a spitting contest. This turned his intentionally repellant spitting into a form of social interaction, which also required him to share and take turns. The resulting soggy cardboard was then hung as “abstract art.” From there the daily-produced wet cardboard circles were used as bases for water-color paintings. Eventually Gil became so fascinated with the painting, he started using actual water, rather than spit, to make them. From there he learned his colors, geometric shapes, and eventually to count – activities which had not interested him before. And he ceased spitting entirely.
This once again demonstrates the technique of following the child into education, rather than pushing them.
This also reminds me of what was said in my review of the book Nobody Nowhere, wherein the child Donna was fascinated with the sound of metal clanking, resulting in her obsessively ringing the doorbell, to the exasperation of her parents, who eventually disconnected the damn thing to shut her up. They should have instead recognized she was leading them into her education, and got her a xylophone (eventually she did become a musician, no thanks to her parents). If she had played the xylophone, rather than the doorbell, obsessively all day long she could have become a maestro in the symphony. Instead it was quashed; her budding talent dismissed as just an irritating fixation.
It really is that simple: What is a doorbell? It is basically a xylophone, so get the kid a xylophone. What is spit? It is basically water, so get the kid some water-colors.
Of course, when a screaming Autistic is tantrumming by spitting, it is hard for the frazzled parents to see it as a budding art-form. But that is the technique these people invented: spectacular patients, and emotionless observation for months until they discover how the “bad behavior” can be seen as the child leading them into education
A child who plays with his feces does not think of it as something dirty. Thus it is obviously necessary to demonstrate to them the difference between their bowel movements and their toys. As long as no particular emotion is attached to the BM, it is possible to convince the child that it is an object among other objects, and like them has it’s place and it’s function. Blocks or Play-doh belong in the playroom; they have their proper containers and can be played with in certain ways. Just as blocks are stacked, rather than thrown, and Play-doh is modeled, not eaten, the BM has it’s proper place where it is handled in a specific way.
Violently-aggressive Bruno threw whole plates full of food, hitting other children in the head. They thus made him use only paper plates, but the behavior continued, and was still unacceptable.
Capitalizing on his fascination with airports, the therapist suggested he could be a better pilot if his planes were not so over-loaded with cargo. He thus only threw them after he had eaten all the food they bore.
He still threw the plates, hitting other children in the head. He was told he could lose his pilot’s license if he did not learn to steer better, so he then more carefully flew them over the others.
On days it was raining or foggy, he was told the airport was closed due to weather, and because he was now such a good pilot he should look for a larger airport that was not closed so often. So they moved the “airport” from the dining room into the play-room.
Since it was a bigger airport, he demanded more planes. He was given a whole stack of paper plates, to which he gave names he wrote on them. Eventually geography was added to the game using real names of cities and countries he could fly to. He wrote, colored, and cut out designs on all of them.
Other skills and interests Bruno developed were worked with there and expanded on in different contexts.
Later he was given actual Frisbees which flew a lot better than paper plates. He was told thet because they could fly so much further, they should have 1 pilot fly them one-way, and another pilot would fly them back. For the first time, Bruno was involved in positive interaction with other children, and involved with a number of new skills and relationships on which further treatment could be built.
Terry was fixated on a red sock. He carried it with him at all times. The therapist was able to hide the sock while Terry watched - these hiding places were very easily accessible. But later Terry had to climb, learn to open cabinets with differing fasteners, and untie knots when the sock was tied to a chair-leg. In every case, possession of the sock was his reward, but in the course of acquiring it he was learning many new things (as was the process with Bruno above). As his interests in other subjects increased (with the sock as the vehicle) his obsessive attachment to the sock waned, and it could be put away for longer periods. Eventually he gave up his sock fixation.
Non-verbal Nancy was fixated on the stairs. She claimed them entirely for herself and would have the ultimate screaming rage-attack if anyone else used them. Since the stairs were not movable objects thet could be played with as tools for further growth, or moved elsewhere so she could be allowed to scream over them, she was taken to a private room and told thet this was the proper time and place for screaming, not the stairwell (where her piercing screams reverberated throughout the building). She was told to scream as much as she could, because this was the last time she would be allowed to scream. This panicked her into a 2-hour scream-fest, encouraged by the therapist who repeatedly told her she did not think she was finished screaming yet.
The therapist showed no emotion, but was otherwise very attentive and encouraging of Nancy’s vocalization. After 2 hours she finally became exhausted, and was told “If you are really done screaming you are now going to talk.” Nancy then spoke for the first time.
From that time on, the unprovoked screaming disappeared, and Nancy only screamed when there was clear reason for the upset.
They suggest thet being non-verbal may be a choice in some cases, wherein the child’s mutism is a defense against interaction. From my perspective being non-verbal is caused by lack of co-ordination, not refusal to speak, and/or the child thinks only in pictures and thus has tremendous difficulty putting those (sometimes genius) thoughts into words. See (my review of) the documentary Wretches and Jabberers for elaboration – wherein a whole group of non-verbals feel tremendously relieved to at last have other non-verbals to interact with; i.e., their inability to speak was not a choice, it was a disability.
They discuss the trait of an Autistic asking a question as a statement; such as “You will help me” rather than “Will you help me”, or interchanging “I” with “You”. This combines with Echolalia, wherein when the child is asked “Are you all right?” they will repeat “Are you all right?” rather than “I am all right.”
The point I would like to make concerning this is thet when someone asks “How do you do”, they are not necessarily requesting information; they may not really want to hear how you are doing, they may be just saying it as a form of social graces. The Autistic either does not understand that point, and thus actually tells the person how they are doing, or recognizes this is not an actual request for information, and thus ignores it. These things are both typical symptoms of AS: “rudely” refusing (or at least neglecting) to answer questions, or spilling their guts to startled strangers.
At home Sydney used to get a cookie to console him whenever he got hurt, even though at that time he never showed any reaction to pain. After a year of treatment, Sydney finally became aware of pain. Whenever he got hurt, he would say “cookie”. But when he was given a cookie he was not really interested in it. Instead of eating it, he would take it to the first aid cabinet and ask for a band-aide for his cookie. Once Sydney had an infected cut on his finger, which he showed to the therapist, saying “cookie”. When a cookie was offered, he refused it. He instead led the therapist to the kitchen, got a bowl, and pointed to the kettle on the stove. The therapist poured a bowl of warm water, and Sydney, satisfied, soaked his finger, stating "cookie." His parents had inadvertently taught him thet the word "cookie" meant "hurt".
Pushing language on a child before it makes sense to him to use it may be futile, or produce a drilled-in response.
The words they hear are often just sounds without meaning. This can also go the other direction, wherein the invented words they use (Neologisms) have an emotional definition to them but are gibberish to anyone else; thus, in some cases, the words you use may seem like gibberish to them, while the words they use are gibberish to you.
See Bjork, Gary Numan, and Anna Homler intentionally writing song lyrics in gibberish because the mood invoked (in them) by that particular combination of letters fits the mood of the music (to them).
This book ends by repeating the basics of The Linwood Method, that being the importance of following the child into education rather than pushing or pulling them.
On initial impulse, I am more the conducting deaf symphonies with a baseball bat type of Aries temperament, thus I feel humbled reading this book. It is lovely throughout. It makes me really analyze what type of (Aspie) parent I think I would be, and makes me fine-tune my idealized goals as such.
Completely unrelated to this book is a Ted Talk, at
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are#
which also invokes in me the desire to cultivate the ideal parenting skills in myself.
Also see http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_love_no_matter_what#t-45707
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The Indigo Survival Guide
by Olena MA Gill
This writer starts out stating thet she was born 2 months premature. This may explain why she has neurological disorders.
She immediately refers to herself as an Indigo, explaining thet all Indigos she has spoken to describe their lives as, discomfort, anger, restlessness, or a discontentment at feeling out of place. Some even joked about being deposited on this Earth by Aliens.
The rest of the book consists mainly of her telling us her life story:
As a young child I devoured books, especially on topics of crystals; magical stories about unicorns, faeries, and leprechauns; stories with purpose and depth; mysteries, biographies, and the esoteric.
I strongly identified with Samantha on Bewitched, and Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie.
While my teachers worried about my apparent lack of interest in getting my hands dirty in paint pots, I gravitated to a typewriter. I enjoyed the feel of my hands on the keys.
As early as age 6, I recall having visions of spirits and beings.
Music ran in the family. I would mimic my older brother, tapping out the tunes. I displayed an early talent for accurately playing back whatever had just been played. I could hear it, and without knowing exactly what keys I was pressing, could reproduce it perfectly.
This is called Echopraxia. I learned to play drums in this way; simply seeing someone else play once, I sat down and played perfectly.
I did enjoy school, and was a quick learner. By the time I reached 1st Grade, I had mastered 2 languages - written and spoken. My teacher noticed my boredom and recommended I be bumped up in my classes and receive focused, individualized instruction. I displayed a great talent and was labeled as Gifted.
I was a very shy child, and preferred to stay away from public performances. To overcome that, I was immersed in music competitions and recitals. Whenever I speak to groups or teach classes, I am thankful for the many years of training thet I had. It molded me and helped me learn how to be comfortable with crowds.
1 of the gifts I had thet all my teachers discovered was my ability to visualize. I was able to shift in space quickly and easily. I could visualize anything and everything.
Grandpa Ivan's funeral was crowded. My mother was distraught. I found myself trying to comfort her. 'Mama. Grandpa is not really here. It is okay - it is only a body up there.'
Pockets of information, words, or phrases would suddenly appear in my visual field. I could not prove to someone what I knew; I just knew I was right.
When I got older, my abilities expanded. I could not only receive information in my mind but I could tune into another person's physical, mental, and emotional state.
I could hear music in my head - not real music, but voices thet were speaking in a musical way. I knew it was not my own voice. The musical tones were not like anything thet could be reproduced. I attempted to do that on the piano. I also tried to sing the tunes I heard in my head, but to no avail - which was astounding, since I had perfect pitch. The discovery of my enhanced hearing intrigued me.
Years later when I became a Medium, I realized the fears I felt while in the house were other people's emotions and fears and had nothing to do with the spirit realm. I learned thet being in the living world was scary - the spirit world was anything but.
Knowing thet an Indigo is vehement about free choice, and will resist anything thet smacks of restriction of that freedom, these thoughts explained why I felt what I felt. Instead of doing homework, I would spend hours drawing patterns with my compass.
I was a strongly visual person, so much of my intuitive information would come through in that way.
Images on screen would be a trigger for me. Television became an addiction - it not only stimulated my brain, but it activated my sensory perception.
My mind was bored but also hyperactive. I had trouble sitting still. I spent most of my time disinterested in class.
Every employer gave me nothing but glowing reports on my work. But each time, the reason for letting me go were thet I spoke too much and created controversy.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and Chronic Fatigue.
I stopped going to medical doctors because they were giving me more and more medications. The increase in medication was adding to my physical illness.
I threw away my meds and started a whole-body cleanse. Due to many years of living by 2 train-tracks and metal mines, coupled with having had braces on my teeth for 5 years, it was determined by my naturopathic physician thet my body was full of heavy metals. I was also allergic to many foods as well as synthetic clothing fibers. I could not wear anything metallic or mechanical, not even a watch. Loud noises made me feel worse.
I too am allergic to polyester and cannot wear a watch.
She recommends the book, What Color Is Your Aura?
Given what I know about the Indigo way of being, it is no wonder thet Crystal children are the next wave of Super Sensitives, and many are being born to Indigo parents. Read: Classic Autistics being born to Asperger parents.
Part 2 of this book is titled, Raising the Awareness. Awakening the Super Sensitive. It starts with a questionnaire, Is Your Child an Indigo?, which includes 44 questions, half of them associated with Aspie traits; e.g.: Shows symptoms of Attention Deficit. Displays psychic abilities. Is extremely independent. Is attracted to colors and patterns.
The next questionnaire asks, Are you an Adult Indigo? It consists of 50 questions. Again half of them could refer to Aspies; e.g.: You often feel misunderstood when you communicate with others. You are brutally honest. You have experienced psychic episodes. Superficial conversation irritates you greatly. You are at your best in an occupation where you can work alone and independently. Organized religion does not interest you. You have a strong will and temper. You are very protective of your personal space.
Next comes, Are You A Crystal?: You feel you are different than other people. You crave time alone. You get overwhelmed by noise. You have extremely acute senses. You have a strong desire to help others. You are psychic, intuitive, or just know things. Have been diagnosed with AD, ADHD, or Autism. She comes right out and states thet Autism is a diagnostic criteria for Crystals. Why not leave out this Crystal BS and just admit you are Autistic?
She mentions the movie, Indigo (I have seen it. It is a mediocre introduction to the concept of Indigo children, without them necessarily having Autism), and the documentary The Indigo Evolution (see my review). The movie is about a seemingly normal child who exhibits strikingly unusual characteristics and behavior.
Books about Indigos include The Indigo Children, An Indigo Celebration, and The Care and Keeping of Indigo Children.
There are numerous characteristics thet are Indigo: They are very sensitive to the environment ( including foods and additives). Can display physical issues, such as Chronic Fatigue, and extreme mania. Have difficulties focusing, unless it is something they are fully interested in, then their focus is 100%. Can suddenly become fiery-tempered. Get easily frustrated. Are blunt and straight-forward. Are often loners. They seem wise beyond their years.
All of these are classic Aspie traits.
Then she further describes Crystals: Have skin thet is easily irritated by such things as clothing tags or seams. Have acute sense of smell and taste. Can get overwhelmed by commotion. Like to keep their rooms neatly organized. Like to work alone. Can be adept at computers and other gadgets. Can be delayed in speech. Have sudden body movements such as spinning in circles. Are not concerned about whether they fit in or not.
Do I have to go further into this book before I declare thet, as with Living In An Indigo House, this book proves there is flat-out no such thing as a First Wave Indigo or an Indigo or Crystal Child? Delayed speech and spinning in circles? All of them are merely undiagnosed Autistics!
Next she says, Indigos need bodily movement or physical stimulation to focus and achieve mental interest. In other words, they are not deficient in attention, but actually have a surplus. It is that surplus thet is evident in their outward need to physically move all the time. Educational and home environments need to place their energies on promoting systems thet are more conductive to the Indigo's energy system.
This is clearly demonstrated in the documentary Aut-erobics (see my review) wherein a horribly AD child was incapable of learning until they had him do specific physical exercises, after which he had no apparent AD.
My drumming throughout my life was absolutely a manifestation of AS - or at least a manifestation of my way of dealing with the symptoms. I could play drums until I went into a trance and left my body. Thus proving the point Olena is making:
Music plays a vital role in a child's learning process. Music allowed me to develop my spacial and reasoning abilities quickly, and assisted me in focusing and concentrating.
Aspie Bjork said as a child she sang to locate herself spacialy.
Book-learning in a classroom is useless to me. I have to talk out loud to learn, putting my every thought and emotion into words. Unfortunately you are not allowed to talk in useless public school. If I had not had drums, I possibly would have had to have drugs instead, in which case I would probably be dead by now, or drooling in a wheelchair in some Institution. Give me a drum set and get the hell out of my life, and I am practically cured.
It was my classical piano training thet gave me my great ability to focus, my long-term memory retention, and my ability to retrieve mental information. While studying for exams, I always needed music to drive information into my memory. At test time, I would retrieve that same information through mental music triggers. I would recall the music, and that would trigger the memory-bank and hasten my information recall.
I believe most Normals wear MP3 earphones to block out everything. I do it for the opposite reason; the audio pattern-recognition helps my mind stay focused. I can thus decypher everything better if I am also listening to music, even if it is just faintly in the background.
Memory has been shown to significantly improve when the brain is subjected to specific types of music - classical, and especially composers like Mozart.
She makes the point repeatedly thet all of us have psychic ability.
Because Indigos are plugged-in to other people's emotions, it is vital thet they learn grounding, shielding, relaxation, and healing techniques.
They will tell you when a particular food does not work for them.
ADHD stands for Attention Dialed to a Higher Dimension. Indigo children are attuned to many dimensions. Imagine turning on your radio and receiving many stations simultaneously. Within a short time this could drive you bonkers. For Indigos, this is a normal daily occurrence.
She declares thet Mozart was an Indigo. According to his biography, he was certainly not an Aspie, just a Genius.
There are a number of camps springing up all over North America thet cater to Super Sensitives. See www.campindigo.org.
Her resources section lists many contacts, including:
www.fidgettofocus.com (a book explaining how listening to music helps ADD kids focus better).
www.mozarteffect.com (a similar collection of books and recordings).
www.babyeinstein.com (a Disney product, this site directs you to "proper media for your child").
And her own web-site at www.indigocrystalcoach.com
So though this obvious Aspie does not know she has AS, and thus thinks all Autistics are actually Indigos and Crystals, she does offer some accurate insights into Autism (without referring to it as such), and understands the abilities and deficiencies of "Super Sensitives."
Also see my review of the book Living In An Indigo House.
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by Olena MA Gill
This writer starts out stating thet she was born 2 months premature. This may explain why she has neurological disorders.
She immediately refers to herself as an Indigo, explaining thet all Indigos she has spoken to describe their lives as, discomfort, anger, restlessness, or a discontentment at feeling out of place. Some even joked about being deposited on this Earth by Aliens.
The rest of the book consists mainly of her telling us her life story:
As a young child I devoured books, especially on topics of crystals; magical stories about unicorns, faeries, and leprechauns; stories with purpose and depth; mysteries, biographies, and the esoteric.
I strongly identified with Samantha on Bewitched, and Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie.
While my teachers worried about my apparent lack of interest in getting my hands dirty in paint pots, I gravitated to a typewriter. I enjoyed the feel of my hands on the keys.
As early as age 6, I recall having visions of spirits and beings.
Music ran in the family. I would mimic my older brother, tapping out the tunes. I displayed an early talent for accurately playing back whatever had just been played. I could hear it, and without knowing exactly what keys I was pressing, could reproduce it perfectly.
This is called Echopraxia. I learned to play drums in this way; simply seeing someone else play once, I sat down and played perfectly.
I did enjoy school, and was a quick learner. By the time I reached 1st Grade, I had mastered 2 languages - written and spoken. My teacher noticed my boredom and recommended I be bumped up in my classes and receive focused, individualized instruction. I displayed a great talent and was labeled as Gifted.
I was a very shy child, and preferred to stay away from public performances. To overcome that, I was immersed in music competitions and recitals. Whenever I speak to groups or teach classes, I am thankful for the many years of training thet I had. It molded me and helped me learn how to be comfortable with crowds.
1 of the gifts I had thet all my teachers discovered was my ability to visualize. I was able to shift in space quickly and easily. I could visualize anything and everything.
Grandpa Ivan's funeral was crowded. My mother was distraught. I found myself trying to comfort her. 'Mama. Grandpa is not really here. It is okay - it is only a body up there.'
Pockets of information, words, or phrases would suddenly appear in my visual field. I could not prove to someone what I knew; I just knew I was right.
When I got older, my abilities expanded. I could not only receive information in my mind but I could tune into another person's physical, mental, and emotional state.
I could hear music in my head - not real music, but voices thet were speaking in a musical way. I knew it was not my own voice. The musical tones were not like anything thet could be reproduced. I attempted to do that on the piano. I also tried to sing the tunes I heard in my head, but to no avail - which was astounding, since I had perfect pitch. The discovery of my enhanced hearing intrigued me.
Years later when I became a Medium, I realized the fears I felt while in the house were other people's emotions and fears and had nothing to do with the spirit realm. I learned thet being in the living world was scary - the spirit world was anything but.
Knowing thet an Indigo is vehement about free choice, and will resist anything thet smacks of restriction of that freedom, these thoughts explained why I felt what I felt. Instead of doing homework, I would spend hours drawing patterns with my compass.
I was a strongly visual person, so much of my intuitive information would come through in that way.
Images on screen would be a trigger for me. Television became an addiction - it not only stimulated my brain, but it activated my sensory perception.
My mind was bored but also hyperactive. I had trouble sitting still. I spent most of my time disinterested in class.
Every employer gave me nothing but glowing reports on my work. But each time, the reason for letting me go were thet I spoke too much and created controversy.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and Chronic Fatigue.
I stopped going to medical doctors because they were giving me more and more medications. The increase in medication was adding to my physical illness.
I threw away my meds and started a whole-body cleanse. Due to many years of living by 2 train-tracks and metal mines, coupled with having had braces on my teeth for 5 years, it was determined by my naturopathic physician thet my body was full of heavy metals. I was also allergic to many foods as well as synthetic clothing fibers. I could not wear anything metallic or mechanical, not even a watch. Loud noises made me feel worse.
I too am allergic to polyester and cannot wear a watch.
She recommends the book, What Color Is Your Aura?
Given what I know about the Indigo way of being, it is no wonder thet Crystal children are the next wave of Super Sensitives, and many are being born to Indigo parents. Read: Classic Autistics being born to Asperger parents.
Part 2 of this book is titled, Raising the Awareness. Awakening the Super Sensitive. It starts with a questionnaire, Is Your Child an Indigo?, which includes 44 questions, half of them associated with Aspie traits; e.g.: Shows symptoms of Attention Deficit. Displays psychic abilities. Is extremely independent. Is attracted to colors and patterns.
The next questionnaire asks, Are you an Adult Indigo? It consists of 50 questions. Again half of them could refer to Aspies; e.g.: You often feel misunderstood when you communicate with others. You are brutally honest. You have experienced psychic episodes. Superficial conversation irritates you greatly. You are at your best in an occupation where you can work alone and independently. Organized religion does not interest you. You have a strong will and temper. You are very protective of your personal space.
Next comes, Are You A Crystal?: You feel you are different than other people. You crave time alone. You get overwhelmed by noise. You have extremely acute senses. You have a strong desire to help others. You are psychic, intuitive, or just know things. Have been diagnosed with AD, ADHD, or Autism. She comes right out and states thet Autism is a diagnostic criteria for Crystals. Why not leave out this Crystal BS and just admit you are Autistic?
She mentions the movie, Indigo (I have seen it. It is a mediocre introduction to the concept of Indigo children, without them necessarily having Autism), and the documentary The Indigo Evolution (see my review). The movie is about a seemingly normal child who exhibits strikingly unusual characteristics and behavior.
Books about Indigos include The Indigo Children, An Indigo Celebration, and The Care and Keeping of Indigo Children.
There are numerous characteristics thet are Indigo: They are very sensitive to the environment ( including foods and additives). Can display physical issues, such as Chronic Fatigue, and extreme mania. Have difficulties focusing, unless it is something they are fully interested in, then their focus is 100%. Can suddenly become fiery-tempered. Get easily frustrated. Are blunt and straight-forward. Are often loners. They seem wise beyond their years.
All of these are classic Aspie traits.
Then she further describes Crystals: Have skin thet is easily irritated by such things as clothing tags or seams. Have acute sense of smell and taste. Can get overwhelmed by commotion. Like to keep their rooms neatly organized. Like to work alone. Can be adept at computers and other gadgets. Can be delayed in speech. Have sudden body movements such as spinning in circles. Are not concerned about whether they fit in or not.
Do I have to go further into this book before I declare thet, as with Living In An Indigo House, this book proves there is flat-out no such thing as a First Wave Indigo or an Indigo or Crystal Child? Delayed speech and spinning in circles? All of them are merely undiagnosed Autistics!
Next she says, Indigos need bodily movement or physical stimulation to focus and achieve mental interest. In other words, they are not deficient in attention, but actually have a surplus. It is that surplus thet is evident in their outward need to physically move all the time. Educational and home environments need to place their energies on promoting systems thet are more conductive to the Indigo's energy system.
This is clearly demonstrated in the documentary Aut-erobics (see my review) wherein a horribly AD child was incapable of learning until they had him do specific physical exercises, after which he had no apparent AD.
My drumming throughout my life was absolutely a manifestation of AS - or at least a manifestation of my way of dealing with the symptoms. I could play drums until I went into a trance and left my body. Thus proving the point Olena is making:
Music plays a vital role in a child's learning process. Music allowed me to develop my spacial and reasoning abilities quickly, and assisted me in focusing and concentrating.
Aspie Bjork said as a child she sang to locate herself spacialy.
Book-learning in a classroom is useless to me. I have to talk out loud to learn, putting my every thought and emotion into words. Unfortunately you are not allowed to talk in useless public school. If I had not had drums, I possibly would have had to have drugs instead, in which case I would probably be dead by now, or drooling in a wheelchair in some Institution. Give me a drum set and get the hell out of my life, and I am practically cured.
It was my classical piano training thet gave me my great ability to focus, my long-term memory retention, and my ability to retrieve mental information. While studying for exams, I always needed music to drive information into my memory. At test time, I would retrieve that same information through mental music triggers. I would recall the music, and that would trigger the memory-bank and hasten my information recall.
I believe most Normals wear MP3 earphones to block out everything. I do it for the opposite reason; the audio pattern-recognition helps my mind stay focused. I can thus decypher everything better if I am also listening to music, even if it is just faintly in the background.
Memory has been shown to significantly improve when the brain is subjected to specific types of music - classical, and especially composers like Mozart.
She makes the point repeatedly thet all of us have psychic ability.
Because Indigos are plugged-in to other people's emotions, it is vital thet they learn grounding, shielding, relaxation, and healing techniques.
They will tell you when a particular food does not work for them.
ADHD stands for Attention Dialed to a Higher Dimension. Indigo children are attuned to many dimensions. Imagine turning on your radio and receiving many stations simultaneously. Within a short time this could drive you bonkers. For Indigos, this is a normal daily occurrence.
She declares thet Mozart was an Indigo. According to his biography, he was certainly not an Aspie, just a Genius.
There are a number of camps springing up all over North America thet cater to Super Sensitives. See www.campindigo.org.
Her resources section lists many contacts, including:
www.fidgettofocus.com (a book explaining how listening to music helps ADD kids focus better).
www.mozarteffect.com (a similar collection of books and recordings).
www.babyeinstein.com (a Disney product, this site directs you to "proper media for your child").
And her own web-site at www.indigocrystalcoach.com
So though this obvious Aspie does not know she has AS, and thus thinks all Autistics are actually Indigos and Crystals, she does offer some accurate insights into Autism (without referring to it as such), and understands the abilities and deficiencies of "Super Sensitives."
Also see my review of the book Living In An Indigo House.
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The Siege
A family's journey into the world of Autism
by Clara Claiborne Park
This book is a pleasure to read because the Autism mom who wrote it is a college English Professor - she actually knows how to write. This book was also published in 1967, and the way we used language back then was so different from how we use it today - the sentance structure and choice of words is interestingly unique.
Her husband is also a college Professor, and thus their 3 children are all highly educated. All their friends are also Professors, thus their intellectual class status is referred to often, and their vocabulary is wonderful.
Their 4th child Elly's Autism came from the classic combination of vaccines and genius parents.
Nothing unusual happened during my pregnancy until I was in my 6th month, when the other children picked up the measles. For a pregnant woman, "measles" is a frightening word, but my doctor reassured me: "It is not this strain that is dangerous, but the German measles; there is nothing to indicate it will affect the unborn baby, who is in any case advanced beyond the vulnerable stage of development. Besides, most adults have already had the measles." [in which case, why give her the shot?] I still worried enough to call a doctor in Boston, a personal friend. She concurred. Accordingly, I received gamma globulin [Measles vaccine] from my own doctor, enough to modify the disease but not prevent it. When it came, I was very sick, but only for a week, and I recovered without after-effects.
While pregnant they injected her with Measles, guaranteeing she would get a full-blown case, frying the fetus! The Medical Profession must be destroyed!
Then Elly was born severely damaged by Measles vaccine. Clearly Autistic at birth, the incompetent medical profession at the time did not know how to recognize it (she was otherwise a physically perfect Alpha Plus baby just like her golden siblings). Elly was 22 months old before a doctor finally recognized there was actually a problem. They said, "She seems like a child who has been raised very much alone", because of her lack of interaction.
Alone? In a house with 3 older brothers and sisters, neighbor's children constantly in and out?
She was alone, but she created her aloneness, sought it, guarded it. When we put her on the floor to watch the children play, she grizzled and fretted. Crawling in the garden, or alone in her crib, she was happy. I would put her in for a nap after lunch. At 5 PM she would still be content there in her crib - sleeping, bouncing, laughing, rocking back and forth, back and forth. I realized that I could put her there with a supply of food and drink and she would never be ready to come out. She sought enclosed spaces; every time she saw a playpen, she tried to get in. If there was no physical fence between her and the world, she erected one. She looked through human beings as if they were glass. She created solitude in the midst of company, silence in the midst of chatter.
As time went on, though she still needed little in comparison to an ordinary child, she began to acknowledge some rudimentary desires. She wanted something after all - a piece of cake, perhaps, as we sat at the table. She did not ask for it verbally, or by any sound, whether grunt or cry. But neither did she reach for it herself. Instead she firmly picked up the human arm that happened to be nearest her and threw it toward the object desired. She used that other arm and hand as her tool, as if the human being it belonged to did not exist.
One day, sitting on the floor beside her, I built a four-block tower. Neatly, block by block, she dismantled it - no free-sweeping destructiveness for her. I picked up her hand, used it as my tool to build the next tower. Then easily, neatly she built the third. It was the same with pegs in holes, rings on a stick. Always the passivity, the apparent incapacity - yet when the initiative came from outside, she could grasp both principle and technique at once.
Elly made block towers for a few months. More surprisingly, she spontaneously evolved her block play, arranging 80 or 100 blocks in perfect parallel rows. Again and again we saw this happen; the new accomplishment, instead of leading to more complex activity, became as sterile and repetitive as the old, and was finally abandoned.
How much did she take-in of the world around her? Almost nothing, it appeared. Yet one day several months before her 3rd birthday, as we lay and scribbled, a pencil point broke. Elly got up in a businesslike manner, put the pencil into my hand, and propelled me toward the door. I hung back; I could not believe she knew where she was going. I wanted to test her. She pushed me through 2 rooms into a 3rd, straight to the pencil sharpener. I had not known she knew there was a pencil sharpener, let alone its location and purpose. If she knew this, how much more did she know?
How many times did someone remark that of course I was so used to bright children that when I got an ordinary one I thought it was slow? Elly seemed alert, beautifully co-ordinated, and contented.
We stored up the differences in our minds but we did not worry. Having learned in 10 years of parenthood that events usually render worries irrelevant, and that worry itself can harm a child more than most of the conditions one worries about.
Concerning her siblings: She did not bother them and she did not need them. On all fours, from room to room, from back yard to front, down the path, up the driveway, she followed her different drummer. I remember one sunny spring day, the yards filled with playing children, my neighbor and I watching Elly as she crawled serenely away from us all. Something about her isolation (she was so tiny, and already so far away) made me say, only half joking, "There is nothing the matter with Elly, she just has a distorted sense of what is important." My neighbor laughed at the application of such inflated language to a baby. But it is I who had the last laugh, if you could call it that.
There were two obvious possibilities: One was phenylketonuria, a metabolic defect more common in blue-eyed, yellow haired girls, causing retardation if not checked early, but was controllable with diet. The other was thyroid deficiency, which would explain not only the lack of speech (a slight retardation which could be caught and treated) but also the delayed walking.
Here is another example of the arrogance of Doctors who have no clue: "Her joint structure is still immature from the deficiency perhaps." But the doctor has only seen this limp and passive creature on his office floor. I, who remember Elly hanging from her father's thumbs, supported only by her own strong fingers, who watch her daily leaping and tumbling in her crib as if on a trampoline, do not really expect to hear that there is anything the matter with Elly's joints. And of course there is not. After 3 days of hospital tests they found no evidence of physical deficiency at all. The original doctor's diagnosis was (typically!) flat-wrong.
Proud of intellect, in my husband, in my children, in myself, I had thought that retardation was the worst thing that could happen to a baby, to a family, and to me. But apparently this was not the worst possibility.
Dr Blank had seen other children like Elly. They were not like the psychotic, neurotic, brain-damaged, and Retarded children with whom he was familiar. They had Elly's remoteness, her inability to relate to others. They had her imperviousness to speech (some of them had even been inaccurately diagnosed as deaf). They, like her, did not talk, or if they did, reeled off long formulas without communicative significance. They had the same dexterity, the same interest in exact and delicate arrangement. They had the same unusually good physical health, the same alertness, and attractive good looks. They even had the same intellectual parents: my husband and I, while scarcely typical of the population as a whole, were very typical of the parents of Autistic children.
But even the label of Autism was uncertain. In many ways she seems to be an Autistic child, relating poorly to other children. Her apparent early normal development reaching a plateau, her failure in speech, all would fit into such a picture. On the other hand, she enjoys being played with physically, she likes to have her parents enter into the games she uses, and these findings do not fit well with the diagnosis.
At any rate, he had no particular advice. "Take her home. Do what you have been doing. Give her plenty of affection. Let me know how you get along." Then a little shrug of helplessness, sympathy, and regret.
This was a good and kindly man, too intelligent and accomplished a doctor to pretend certainty where he found none. For that we admired and trusted him.
The fact remains thet though he had diagnosed many other children as clearly Autistic, he, like any other doctor, had no clue what to do about it.
How could we adjust to an unknown?
For what Elly thought significant she seemed to see well enough. If she did not notice dogs or cows at a distance, she did not notice them up close either. She ignored our cat even more thoroughly than she ignored her siblings. But there were things she did not ignore - colors, and abstract shapes.
One day (she was 2 years and 8 months old) I found her absorbed in a set of parquet shapes. The set was a common type composed of diamonds, right angles, and squares, of 4 different colors, which may be assembled in various ways. Elly selected 4 diamonds and combined them into a larger diamond, rejecting in the process a couple of right triangles that came to hand. She did this twice more, then began on squares, working with a concentration that is difficult to describe. The abstract meaningless shapes seemed to have intrinsic importance for her. Discriminating between them was easy. Yet this was a child of whose intelligence we were in grave doubt, whom it seemed impossible to interest in the usual toys, whose ordinary play was little more than sifting sand through her fingers or arranging blocks in parallel lines.
Now Elly could do puzzles. She could grasp new puzzles in no time at all. Most children doing puzzles are guided by the picture, not the shapes alone. But Elly saw the shapes so exactly that she needed nothing more to clue her in. She could do the puzzle face down, picture invisible, shapes reversed. Elly would amuse herself by dumping out all the pieces of all the puzzles. It made a fine mess, but when we picked them up, Elly could classify the pieces according to their puzzles of origin better than I. Her discrimination of colors and shapes was astounding.
But did she see the picture itself? Apparently not. Five months afterward she still could not master one piece of the simplest puzzle of them all - a five-piecer. This puzzle represented a smiling yellow sun, its shape and dimension virtually identical in every direction. The only clue to its proper orientation was not its shape or color, but its painted eyes; if the piece was placed so its eyes were at the top, it would fit in easily. This simple cue Elly could not learn to recognize. Eyes and faces were simply not within her scheme of relevance.
I can make explicit the principle that I then perceived so dimly that I made use of it only by accident; in reaching the eyes and ears of such children and later on their minds, one must begin with sensations their bodies can recognize. It is not for 3 full months that it occurs to me, as mechanically we turn the pages of A Treasury of Arts Masterpieces to play "This Little Piggy" on the bare toes of those Renaissance Christ babies. Which I do. And Elly laughs! This is the first evidence I have that color and shape have taken on significance, and that Elly can see a picture.
1 day 2 weeks later, as we looked at a picture of a small girl, Elly took my hand in a peremptory way that meant, "Do something". I assumed she meant, "It is time to turn the page", but that did not satisfy her. Instead she made my hand take hers and pat the picture. She was asking me to do for her what she could not yet do for herself. She wanted me to make her see. But I could not help noticing that she did not seem to care if she touched the girl or the blank space around her.
But the forward movement was slow, with setbacks. The cutting play, which began as a way of drawing her attention to pictures, degenerated, like other hopeful starts, into sterile repetition. Though Elly would bring me the scissors, she would not do the cutting herself. But if I said, "Put your hand on mine", she would take part in the cutting to that extent. However she paid no attention to the pictures I cut out. What she wanted was the magazine cut into strips - letterpress, pictures, it made no difference. It seemed a deliberate retreat from the meaning she had seemed to welcome 3 months before - returning to the fixation on putting everything into vertical lines.
Elly was almost four. More than half a year had passed since she had first seen baby's toes in the Treasury of Arts Masterpieces, yet she had no word for any body part. I drew toes, feet, legs; if I stopped drawing now, perhaps I could inveigle Elly into replacing her passive attention with active collaboration. Elly touched my hand, and I was beginning the second arm when I felt her correct me. She was no longer passively accepting - she had her own idea. She wanted the head next. I drew it and stopped. Then prompted by Elly, I drew the other arm. The figure was complete, and I had determined that Elly, who had only recently learned how to see a picture, knew as much as any child her age about how the human body should be visually represented. Once again demonstrating thet the Autistic's incapability is not a matter of intelligence, but mechanics.
I remember her sitting on the lawn one day, her back to the driveway. An astonishing thing happened; one would think any small child would notice. Our neighbors had a chimney fire. Up our small court came a genuine red fire-engine making the usual amount of fire-engine noise. Elly did not even look up. The signals came from outside herself, they did not impinge directly on her body, so she ignored them as if they did not exist. But for those few signals that she had invested with significance, her hearing could be preternaturally acute. For some reason she disliked the dishwasher. If it was in operation she would not even remain on the same floor of the house.
We had not even had to wait particularly long for Elly's first word. She had said "Teddy" at 14 months, as normal as you please. A month or so and she had said "Mama". The next month "Dada". Another month, another word. It took some time to realize that the new word was not added to the old words, but substituted for them; that at any given time she has a one-word vocabulary.
But even when she did begin to acknowledge desires, she did not communicate them by speech. She had another method. If the object was near she would take your hand and use it as a tool.
There were some foods she liked better than others, but she was no more likely to learn the words for them than for objects that had no interest for her.
I can imagine the pain it must have been to Joan to see Elly in her poise and health, and to think of her bumbling Retarded George the same age to the month. While Joan watched, Elly did a puzzle she had never seen before; dexterously, immediately she put all the pieces into place, scarcely glancing at them as she did. Then she dumped them all out and put the puzzle together again, blank side up with only the shapes to guide her. Joan, remembering George's pathetic attempts to put a peg in a hole thought she was seeing something miraculous. She could not believe there was anything really wrong with Elly.
But what is "really"? "You have to admit", I said, "that if she can do something like that, it is striking that she does not understand anything you say."
But speech is not the only kind of meaningful sound. There is also music. The 9th entry on her vocabulary list (age two) I call a word only in courtesy. It was a sound, and it had a consistent reference, but it was in fact an imitation of music. When I sat at the piano, Elly would say "Daddle-addle-addle" and move my hand to C#. It was by this that I understood her; I would not otherwise have caught on to the idea that "Daddle-addle-addle" represented the two repeated notes in the left hand part of Mozart's C-major Sonata.
We had kept in touch with Dr Blank. That spring he suggested we get Elly a record player, a 45 RPM with a thick spindle a small child could handle easily. Of course, that was not necessary; the first day we got the machine, a conventional one, Elly changed the records alone and meticulously returned each record to its proper album, keeping track of them, I suppose by the colors of the labels and the configuration of the printing they bore. I had intended to wait until the next day to show her how to switch the machine on and off. After all, Elly had mastered the light switch only recently, but while I was still downstairs I heard the record-player going up in Elly's room and found she had needed no teaching.
One day when she was a little over 2 years old, without speech, without comprehension, with no apparent capacity to attend to her surroundings, she disappeared. Where to look, when no direction was more likely than another? Then I remembered that the day before, I had taken her in her stroller a new way downtown, via the parking lot near her father's office. She had been so enchanted with the stripes and arrows painted on the surfacing that I had taken her out of the stroller and let her crawl about on them. Without expectations, I began looking for her there. I found her absorbed, on hands and knees, circling the one-way arrow, her tiny body less conspicuous to an oncoming car than a dog's would have been.
To reach that parking lot she had to cross 3 large back yards and two streets, to ignore 2 possible turnings and make a 3rd. On foot, she had followed a route she had traversed only once before, and then not under her own power. And she had moved fast; from the time I missed her to the time I found her was only a few minutes. A remarkable performance for any 2-year-old; it is hard to convey its impact, coming from a child who seems not to see, to hear, or to register impressions, who for days at a time shows none of the common signs of intelligence at all.
Elly was 5 years old before she learned anyone's name, but "Riding In the Car" was one of her first songs. Surprisingly, she sang it first not when riding in the car, but one day after I had merely spoken the words. We became aware that this strange child who could not take in the simplest word, could absorb a tune and make it do duty for an idea.
"Happy Birthday" equaled cake, and by extension candles and fire. "Rock-a-by Baby" went for a rocking motion. The ascending and descending notes of a scale indicated stairs. We found we could increase our communication with her by ourselves suggesting new leitmotifs. She could pick these up easily, as she had never been able to pick up words, and she retained them. "London Bridge" became a bridge motif; the dwarf's song from Snow White did duty for "dig". Though she sang many songs freely, she never sang her leitmotifs at random for their own sake as songs. Nor did she sing them musically, but rapidly, schematically, functionally - only just well enough for them to do their job as communication. The 1 musical motif whose verbal content seemed totally to lack connection with its characteristic situation turned out, when at last we understood it, to illustrate the verbal content of Elly's music more strikingly than any others. For years we did not guess why Elly, at four, had sung "Alouette" when we combed her hair after washing. It was not until she was over 6, and speaking much more freely, that we discovered the connection: "Alouette" equalled "all wet"- words which at 4 she had never said, nor appeared to understand. Clearly, however, she had registered the sounds, and made through music a connection which she was unable to make verbally.
As Elly approached 4, she abandoned doll-play altogether. But other things took its place. She spilled water on me on purpose, and laughed. She turned the light out while we sat at supper. Teasing is not an Autistic activity.
In this case, it demonstrates the difference between my Aspergers and Elly's odd form of Autism. I was born Hyperlexic, so obsessed with words thet when my abusive parents forbid me to learn how to read or write, I invented my own words and recited them to myself constantly. Elly could not speak at all, other than as musical notes thet represented an idea, but she spontaneously did this totally non-Autistic behavior of teasing.
All my life I have been irritated by teasing and playful pranks. I always recognize thet the person was just teasing, but I have never been able to understand why they tease. It almost makes me want to cry, but with an acidy anxiety. Teenage girls are especially into teasing behavior as a way of flirting, which leaves me as a deer in headlights for a few seconds, then I walk away feeling this irritated anxiety combined with almost a whiny type of wanting to cry. It is like the tears my body makes, not related to emotion, I get if someone scrapes their teeth on their silverware. Only in this last few years have I acquired the ability to tease people and actually be funny with it.
I found that Elly wanted discipline. When she tore a book or penciled a walI, I noticed that if I overlooked the transgression she would take my hand and use it to slap her own. As she approached 3 she made a game of it (I need not re-emphasize how unusual it is for Elly to invent any kind of game). With no provocation whatsoever, she would herself say "No-no", take my hand, make it slap hers, and laugh her head off! This was in contrast to the infrequent occasions when I really slapped her for a real transgression; she did not laugh then, even though it was usually no more than a symbolic tap. Her punishment game made me feel better about the real punishments.
I came to see that discipline is a kind of communication. Negative though it is, it sets up a relationship of mutual expectation. If you do this, I will do that. A normal child needs this assurance of order and predictability. For an abnormal child whose abnormality lies in lack of contact, it is more important. For a child suffering from this specific Autistic syndrome it is essential.
My parents favorite form of abuse was to invent reasons to justify their abusiveness - doled out as "discipline". Thus nothing was ever predictable, other than the attacks thet daily came from nowhere for no reason. This drove all my siblings to become Paranoid Schizophrenics.
Ironically, Aspergers was what saved me from mental illness - I was a deer in headlights in perpetual anxiety, for I could never figure out what the hell was going on. This cluelessness prevented me from taking it personally, though my poor siblings did, thus destroying their egos.
My parents also never let us know what was going on in any situation (they had the extreme classism of "children are too young to understand adult matters"), we were intentionally kept ignorant, thus we always felt insecure about the unknown, thus dependent on them - they would compulsively set us up and sabotage us, then blame us for our ignorance.
My Autistic ability (compulsion) to obsessively focus on minute details, even if it was just sorting nuts and bolts, literally kept me sane.
All observers of such children have been struck by their extraordinary investment in order, their urge to set objects in arbitrary but exact and recurrent arrangements, their capacity to note and be disturbed by the most minor displacement. What is difficult to bear is inconsistency, deviation from that expected pattern of events which is their only surety in an otherwise incomprehensible world.
I am certain thet if I was not Autistic I would have become Schizophrenic like all my siblings.
Also, my Autistic inability to connect with people prevented me from being (at least emotionally) dependent.
At the age of 10 I would lie in my bed, utterly detached from any human interaction listening to my mother play piano down-stairs. I would cry, transferring my need for human intimacy into love of music. Music became a surrogate for love.
The only relationship I ever had with my parents was music. I became the drummer in their band when I was 12. And continued to be a professional musician until I was 36. Music was "love". Playing music with people was the only way to interact with them (See my review of the movie Mockingbird Don't Sing, wherein the child was deeply affected by the sound of clasical music played on a piano, for she had had no other interaction with anything else). I believed I could only have a musician as a girlfriend, or any friend. This conclusion was arrived at due to me being Autistic, and due to my parents utter inability to love or form any relationships themselves with their kids, outside of music (See my review of the movie Under The Piano, wherein the Asperger mom only interacted with the notes her children played, rather than with them). They were never anything more than Schizophrenic projectors, passing the abuse they received from their own parents on to their kids.
Because there could be no help for Elly in a home heavy with anxiety or hushed with the gravity of her condition, the only home that could do her any good was the cheerful natural place we had lived in before she came. Of all of Elly's conditions, we came to feel that the most imperious was the necessity of gayety. They call it "play therapy" after all, and play must be a gay thing.
I will fool no one by making it sound easy. We kept up our joyful act well with the other children, but now and then with [exasperating] Elly it did not work so well. One was not always gay then. But curiously because Elly was what she was, it did not matter much. Certainly it was important to be positive and cheerful when one was in contact with Elly. But most of the time one was not in contact; that is the whole point of Autism. The sensitivity to mood a normal child exhibits was simply not there. So when she was looking beyond one or absorbed in playing with her chain, one could slump in passivity, weep if needed, even cry out. She would take no notice.
My point exactly. Probably about 1/3 of the time, I honestly did not notice I was being abused, thus keeping me sane.
Clara next presents chapter 9 of this book, titled The Professionals, in which she notes the utter uselessness of every doctor she ever took Elly to. The only good point made in the whole chapter was; Kanner [the Doctor who originally defined Autism], himself a child psychiatrist, had tried the techniques of psychotherapy on Autistic children and found them useless.
She could learn and accurately apply the words "oak", "elm", and "maple". Yet words which were much closer to her experience she could not understand or learn. Such terms as "home", "sister", "grandmother", "teacher", "friend", or "stranger" were beyond her at 5; "friend" and "stranger" are beyond her today.
At 3 1/2 the idea of a circle was so clear in her mind that she had commandeered music to do duty for the word she did not know. At 5 1/2, when she was at last ready to learn words in quantity, she learned "triangle", "square", and "rectangle" easily. The simple ideas behind the words "Where did Becky go?" or "Do you like candy?" were beyond her comprehension. But her teachers could say "Draw a red triangle, Elly", and she would do so.
When she learned the other words for shapes they came so easily it could hardly be called learning. Her sisters showed her them 1 morning, to amuse her: pentagon, hexagon, heptagon, octagon, ... There was no hesitation. They spoke the words once; thereafter she simply knew them. 6 months later she asked me for a heptagon. I thought she had said hexagon. Not so. Making heroic effort at clarity, she said, "Heptagon - seven sides!" It was as if she had had the concept for years and had just been waiting for the words to describe them. And of course, she had.
Color was so important to her that I could use it to call attention to things she would not ordinarily notice. I would say "purple mountain", or "brown horse", and Elly, who had little interest in animals and none in landscapes, would see a horse or mountain, which had now acquired significance from its color, and thus learn the word for it.
An Autistic child is one who finds the concepts of "left" and "right" more easily available than "good" and "bad". The Autistic child is one who, having minimized its interaction with the world, feels no need for words to express opinions about it.
In an ordered world, one keeps track of things in space, and events in time. In Elly's 6th year, one of my helpers devised a simple calendar of different colored cards for the separate days of the week. Elly learned them easily, and we began to notice that without having been told she knew what things happened on what days. "Wednesday, Mama go college!", "Saturday, no school!" In 1 of the typical Autistic reversals, rational time words like "tomorrow" and "soon" were much more difficult because they had no exact denotation. Elly still does not really understand them. If she is disappointed because we cannot go shopping today, a promise of "tomorrow" will not cheer her as well as "Friday" will, even if Friday is days away. "Three O-clock" works well, where "soon" does not, and Elly will be on hand to remind us when Friday and Three O'clock come.
The idea that a car might really hurt her seems to defy communication - and this though at 5 she was actually knocked down by a truck. I have tried to make use of a three legged dog in this connection, but he conveys no realization of danger, although he provides an occasion for ritual joking: "Dog hurt! Only 3 legs! Go hospital!" It is not that Elly does not know what cars can do. It is that she cannot imagine it.
My neighbor's little boy is almost 3 and very slow to talk - they are worried about him. He wanders over to me, looks up at my face, points to the swing. The noise he makes is totally unintelligible, but I understand it: "I want." I put him in the swing. Not to worry; he will come out of it. Elly is 8 years old now, I have still never seen her point. She has a vocabulary of hundreds of words. But although it includes "rectangle", "square", and "hexagon", it does not include "What?"
When she was 11 arithmetic had become so easy that she began to play with numbers. Hour after hour she multiplied and divided huge numbers by 7,11,13,17, and 19. She worked out the fractions representing the portion of the year that had past; thus March 6th was 15/73. 60 was her favorite number.
We discovered we could give her any odd number up to 1,000 and she could tell us at once if it was prime. If it was not, she could supply the prime factors - so surely that she once corrected a misprint in a Bereau of Standards table.
Numbers lost their neutrality. Now they reached down to the mysterious sources of her emotional life. "Guess what! 70,003 is a prime!" Some numbers were bad; that year 75 was one of them, which was awkward, since we lived near Paris, and 75 was the Paris license plate number. Elly kicked all cars that bore it.
Now 15 and a working-girl, she only joins us for her vacations. I have just heard from the students who are living with her in our house. What they report tells of her progress and its limits. She was easily upset for a day or so after I left. They would say "WMNB FM", and she would smile. And then terrible news came for one of them: Tracy's father had been in a car-crash, was in a coma, and Tracy was crying. Elly could see tears, she did not need to be told Tracy was sad. She put herself in Tracy's place the best she could. She did not say "I hope you feel better", but "WMNB FM".
It is like living with a Martian or a Faerie.
Some sounds fill her with mysterious delight. Other sounds and phrases trigger an equally mysterious distress that seems, in its devastating suddenness, almost like an allergic reaction of the psyche. Stock responses like "You are welcome", or "What?" may set off a train of undercover mumbles, and innocent words like "water" and "cricket" may set off a crisis of crying.
In my youth I invented many gibberish words thet had emotional definitions to me. Today Aspergers like Gary Numan, Anna Homler, and Bjork intentionally write lyrics in gibberish to express the emotions they feel in the music.
Typical of all Aspergers I used to go into a rage if I was interrupted in any way. Elly hates it when anyone interrupts her while she is listening to a song. Elly also hates the term "I don't know" because to her "I don't know" has the emotional definition of both "yes" and "no", which is just irritating! Thus when she wants to express "I don't know" herself, she says "partly heard song." And the term "Thank you" gives her a mental-image-picture of a little 1 inch man hanging by his hands from a clothespin, which causes her much anxiety.
The fact remains thet she translated this book into Spanish, without understanding a word of Spanish, for she saw words as mathematical equations which she easily transposed into other equations.
Severely damaged by vaccines, but still (or thus) an obvious genius, Elly is an inspiration to us all. I laugh with delight and almost cry both at the same time while reading this wonderful book. I plan to read it again just for my own entertainment.
This book re-instates my desire to adopt an Autistic child.
Clara Claiborne Park also wrote the next chapter in Elly's story, called Exiting Nirvana. I am excited to review it (see my review).
Today Elly (who's real name is Jessica Park) has her own web-site, wherein she sells her paintings, all of which are very colorful and obsessively geometry-based. See www.JessicaPark.com
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A family's journey into the world of Autism
by Clara Claiborne Park
This book is a pleasure to read because the Autism mom who wrote it is a college English Professor - she actually knows how to write. This book was also published in 1967, and the way we used language back then was so different from how we use it today - the sentance structure and choice of words is interestingly unique.
Her husband is also a college Professor, and thus their 3 children are all highly educated. All their friends are also Professors, thus their intellectual class status is referred to often, and their vocabulary is wonderful.
Their 4th child Elly's Autism came from the classic combination of vaccines and genius parents.
Nothing unusual happened during my pregnancy until I was in my 6th month, when the other children picked up the measles. For a pregnant woman, "measles" is a frightening word, but my doctor reassured me: "It is not this strain that is dangerous, but the German measles; there is nothing to indicate it will affect the unborn baby, who is in any case advanced beyond the vulnerable stage of development. Besides, most adults have already had the measles." [in which case, why give her the shot?] I still worried enough to call a doctor in Boston, a personal friend. She concurred. Accordingly, I received gamma globulin [Measles vaccine] from my own doctor, enough to modify the disease but not prevent it. When it came, I was very sick, but only for a week, and I recovered without after-effects.
While pregnant they injected her with Measles, guaranteeing she would get a full-blown case, frying the fetus! The Medical Profession must be destroyed!
Then Elly was born severely damaged by Measles vaccine. Clearly Autistic at birth, the incompetent medical profession at the time did not know how to recognize it (she was otherwise a physically perfect Alpha Plus baby just like her golden siblings). Elly was 22 months old before a doctor finally recognized there was actually a problem. They said, "She seems like a child who has been raised very much alone", because of her lack of interaction.
Alone? In a house with 3 older brothers and sisters, neighbor's children constantly in and out?
She was alone, but she created her aloneness, sought it, guarded it. When we put her on the floor to watch the children play, she grizzled and fretted. Crawling in the garden, or alone in her crib, she was happy. I would put her in for a nap after lunch. At 5 PM she would still be content there in her crib - sleeping, bouncing, laughing, rocking back and forth, back and forth. I realized that I could put her there with a supply of food and drink and she would never be ready to come out. She sought enclosed spaces; every time she saw a playpen, she tried to get in. If there was no physical fence between her and the world, she erected one. She looked through human beings as if they were glass. She created solitude in the midst of company, silence in the midst of chatter.
As time went on, though she still needed little in comparison to an ordinary child, she began to acknowledge some rudimentary desires. She wanted something after all - a piece of cake, perhaps, as we sat at the table. She did not ask for it verbally, or by any sound, whether grunt or cry. But neither did she reach for it herself. Instead she firmly picked up the human arm that happened to be nearest her and threw it toward the object desired. She used that other arm and hand as her tool, as if the human being it belonged to did not exist.
One day, sitting on the floor beside her, I built a four-block tower. Neatly, block by block, she dismantled it - no free-sweeping destructiveness for her. I picked up her hand, used it as my tool to build the next tower. Then easily, neatly she built the third. It was the same with pegs in holes, rings on a stick. Always the passivity, the apparent incapacity - yet when the initiative came from outside, she could grasp both principle and technique at once.
Elly made block towers for a few months. More surprisingly, she spontaneously evolved her block play, arranging 80 or 100 blocks in perfect parallel rows. Again and again we saw this happen; the new accomplishment, instead of leading to more complex activity, became as sterile and repetitive as the old, and was finally abandoned.
How much did she take-in of the world around her? Almost nothing, it appeared. Yet one day several months before her 3rd birthday, as we lay and scribbled, a pencil point broke. Elly got up in a businesslike manner, put the pencil into my hand, and propelled me toward the door. I hung back; I could not believe she knew where she was going. I wanted to test her. She pushed me through 2 rooms into a 3rd, straight to the pencil sharpener. I had not known she knew there was a pencil sharpener, let alone its location and purpose. If she knew this, how much more did she know?
How many times did someone remark that of course I was so used to bright children that when I got an ordinary one I thought it was slow? Elly seemed alert, beautifully co-ordinated, and contented.
We stored up the differences in our minds but we did not worry. Having learned in 10 years of parenthood that events usually render worries irrelevant, and that worry itself can harm a child more than most of the conditions one worries about.
Concerning her siblings: She did not bother them and she did not need them. On all fours, from room to room, from back yard to front, down the path, up the driveway, she followed her different drummer. I remember one sunny spring day, the yards filled with playing children, my neighbor and I watching Elly as she crawled serenely away from us all. Something about her isolation (she was so tiny, and already so far away) made me say, only half joking, "There is nothing the matter with Elly, she just has a distorted sense of what is important." My neighbor laughed at the application of such inflated language to a baby. But it is I who had the last laugh, if you could call it that.
There were two obvious possibilities: One was phenylketonuria, a metabolic defect more common in blue-eyed, yellow haired girls, causing retardation if not checked early, but was controllable with diet. The other was thyroid deficiency, which would explain not only the lack of speech (a slight retardation which could be caught and treated) but also the delayed walking.
Here is another example of the arrogance of Doctors who have no clue: "Her joint structure is still immature from the deficiency perhaps." But the doctor has only seen this limp and passive creature on his office floor. I, who remember Elly hanging from her father's thumbs, supported only by her own strong fingers, who watch her daily leaping and tumbling in her crib as if on a trampoline, do not really expect to hear that there is anything the matter with Elly's joints. And of course there is not. After 3 days of hospital tests they found no evidence of physical deficiency at all. The original doctor's diagnosis was (typically!) flat-wrong.
Proud of intellect, in my husband, in my children, in myself, I had thought that retardation was the worst thing that could happen to a baby, to a family, and to me. But apparently this was not the worst possibility.
Dr Blank had seen other children like Elly. They were not like the psychotic, neurotic, brain-damaged, and Retarded children with whom he was familiar. They had Elly's remoteness, her inability to relate to others. They had her imperviousness to speech (some of them had even been inaccurately diagnosed as deaf). They, like her, did not talk, or if they did, reeled off long formulas without communicative significance. They had the same dexterity, the same interest in exact and delicate arrangement. They had the same unusually good physical health, the same alertness, and attractive good looks. They even had the same intellectual parents: my husband and I, while scarcely typical of the population as a whole, were very typical of the parents of Autistic children.
But even the label of Autism was uncertain. In many ways she seems to be an Autistic child, relating poorly to other children. Her apparent early normal development reaching a plateau, her failure in speech, all would fit into such a picture. On the other hand, she enjoys being played with physically, she likes to have her parents enter into the games she uses, and these findings do not fit well with the diagnosis.
At any rate, he had no particular advice. "Take her home. Do what you have been doing. Give her plenty of affection. Let me know how you get along." Then a little shrug of helplessness, sympathy, and regret.
This was a good and kindly man, too intelligent and accomplished a doctor to pretend certainty where he found none. For that we admired and trusted him.
The fact remains thet though he had diagnosed many other children as clearly Autistic, he, like any other doctor, had no clue what to do about it.
How could we adjust to an unknown?
For what Elly thought significant she seemed to see well enough. If she did not notice dogs or cows at a distance, she did not notice them up close either. She ignored our cat even more thoroughly than she ignored her siblings. But there were things she did not ignore - colors, and abstract shapes.
One day (she was 2 years and 8 months old) I found her absorbed in a set of parquet shapes. The set was a common type composed of diamonds, right angles, and squares, of 4 different colors, which may be assembled in various ways. Elly selected 4 diamonds and combined them into a larger diamond, rejecting in the process a couple of right triangles that came to hand. She did this twice more, then began on squares, working with a concentration that is difficult to describe. The abstract meaningless shapes seemed to have intrinsic importance for her. Discriminating between them was easy. Yet this was a child of whose intelligence we were in grave doubt, whom it seemed impossible to interest in the usual toys, whose ordinary play was little more than sifting sand through her fingers or arranging blocks in parallel lines.
Now Elly could do puzzles. She could grasp new puzzles in no time at all. Most children doing puzzles are guided by the picture, not the shapes alone. But Elly saw the shapes so exactly that she needed nothing more to clue her in. She could do the puzzle face down, picture invisible, shapes reversed. Elly would amuse herself by dumping out all the pieces of all the puzzles. It made a fine mess, but when we picked them up, Elly could classify the pieces according to their puzzles of origin better than I. Her discrimination of colors and shapes was astounding.
But did she see the picture itself? Apparently not. Five months afterward she still could not master one piece of the simplest puzzle of them all - a five-piecer. This puzzle represented a smiling yellow sun, its shape and dimension virtually identical in every direction. The only clue to its proper orientation was not its shape or color, but its painted eyes; if the piece was placed so its eyes were at the top, it would fit in easily. This simple cue Elly could not learn to recognize. Eyes and faces were simply not within her scheme of relevance.
I can make explicit the principle that I then perceived so dimly that I made use of it only by accident; in reaching the eyes and ears of such children and later on their minds, one must begin with sensations their bodies can recognize. It is not for 3 full months that it occurs to me, as mechanically we turn the pages of A Treasury of Arts Masterpieces to play "This Little Piggy" on the bare toes of those Renaissance Christ babies. Which I do. And Elly laughs! This is the first evidence I have that color and shape have taken on significance, and that Elly can see a picture.
1 day 2 weeks later, as we looked at a picture of a small girl, Elly took my hand in a peremptory way that meant, "Do something". I assumed she meant, "It is time to turn the page", but that did not satisfy her. Instead she made my hand take hers and pat the picture. She was asking me to do for her what she could not yet do for herself. She wanted me to make her see. But I could not help noticing that she did not seem to care if she touched the girl or the blank space around her.
But the forward movement was slow, with setbacks. The cutting play, which began as a way of drawing her attention to pictures, degenerated, like other hopeful starts, into sterile repetition. Though Elly would bring me the scissors, she would not do the cutting herself. But if I said, "Put your hand on mine", she would take part in the cutting to that extent. However she paid no attention to the pictures I cut out. What she wanted was the magazine cut into strips - letterpress, pictures, it made no difference. It seemed a deliberate retreat from the meaning she had seemed to welcome 3 months before - returning to the fixation on putting everything into vertical lines.
Elly was almost four. More than half a year had passed since she had first seen baby's toes in the Treasury of Arts Masterpieces, yet she had no word for any body part. I drew toes, feet, legs; if I stopped drawing now, perhaps I could inveigle Elly into replacing her passive attention with active collaboration. Elly touched my hand, and I was beginning the second arm when I felt her correct me. She was no longer passively accepting - she had her own idea. She wanted the head next. I drew it and stopped. Then prompted by Elly, I drew the other arm. The figure was complete, and I had determined that Elly, who had only recently learned how to see a picture, knew as much as any child her age about how the human body should be visually represented. Once again demonstrating thet the Autistic's incapability is not a matter of intelligence, but mechanics.
I remember her sitting on the lawn one day, her back to the driveway. An astonishing thing happened; one would think any small child would notice. Our neighbors had a chimney fire. Up our small court came a genuine red fire-engine making the usual amount of fire-engine noise. Elly did not even look up. The signals came from outside herself, they did not impinge directly on her body, so she ignored them as if they did not exist. But for those few signals that she had invested with significance, her hearing could be preternaturally acute. For some reason she disliked the dishwasher. If it was in operation she would not even remain on the same floor of the house.
We had not even had to wait particularly long for Elly's first word. She had said "Teddy" at 14 months, as normal as you please. A month or so and she had said "Mama". The next month "Dada". Another month, another word. It took some time to realize that the new word was not added to the old words, but substituted for them; that at any given time she has a one-word vocabulary.
But even when she did begin to acknowledge desires, she did not communicate them by speech. She had another method. If the object was near she would take your hand and use it as a tool.
There were some foods she liked better than others, but she was no more likely to learn the words for them than for objects that had no interest for her.
I can imagine the pain it must have been to Joan to see Elly in her poise and health, and to think of her bumbling Retarded George the same age to the month. While Joan watched, Elly did a puzzle she had never seen before; dexterously, immediately she put all the pieces into place, scarcely glancing at them as she did. Then she dumped them all out and put the puzzle together again, blank side up with only the shapes to guide her. Joan, remembering George's pathetic attempts to put a peg in a hole thought she was seeing something miraculous. She could not believe there was anything really wrong with Elly.
But what is "really"? "You have to admit", I said, "that if she can do something like that, it is striking that she does not understand anything you say."
But speech is not the only kind of meaningful sound. There is also music. The 9th entry on her vocabulary list (age two) I call a word only in courtesy. It was a sound, and it had a consistent reference, but it was in fact an imitation of music. When I sat at the piano, Elly would say "Daddle-addle-addle" and move my hand to C#. It was by this that I understood her; I would not otherwise have caught on to the idea that "Daddle-addle-addle" represented the two repeated notes in the left hand part of Mozart's C-major Sonata.
We had kept in touch with Dr Blank. That spring he suggested we get Elly a record player, a 45 RPM with a thick spindle a small child could handle easily. Of course, that was not necessary; the first day we got the machine, a conventional one, Elly changed the records alone and meticulously returned each record to its proper album, keeping track of them, I suppose by the colors of the labels and the configuration of the printing they bore. I had intended to wait until the next day to show her how to switch the machine on and off. After all, Elly had mastered the light switch only recently, but while I was still downstairs I heard the record-player going up in Elly's room and found she had needed no teaching.
One day when she was a little over 2 years old, without speech, without comprehension, with no apparent capacity to attend to her surroundings, she disappeared. Where to look, when no direction was more likely than another? Then I remembered that the day before, I had taken her in her stroller a new way downtown, via the parking lot near her father's office. She had been so enchanted with the stripes and arrows painted on the surfacing that I had taken her out of the stroller and let her crawl about on them. Without expectations, I began looking for her there. I found her absorbed, on hands and knees, circling the one-way arrow, her tiny body less conspicuous to an oncoming car than a dog's would have been.
To reach that parking lot she had to cross 3 large back yards and two streets, to ignore 2 possible turnings and make a 3rd. On foot, she had followed a route she had traversed only once before, and then not under her own power. And she had moved fast; from the time I missed her to the time I found her was only a few minutes. A remarkable performance for any 2-year-old; it is hard to convey its impact, coming from a child who seems not to see, to hear, or to register impressions, who for days at a time shows none of the common signs of intelligence at all.
Elly was 5 years old before she learned anyone's name, but "Riding In the Car" was one of her first songs. Surprisingly, she sang it first not when riding in the car, but one day after I had merely spoken the words. We became aware that this strange child who could not take in the simplest word, could absorb a tune and make it do duty for an idea.
"Happy Birthday" equaled cake, and by extension candles and fire. "Rock-a-by Baby" went for a rocking motion. The ascending and descending notes of a scale indicated stairs. We found we could increase our communication with her by ourselves suggesting new leitmotifs. She could pick these up easily, as she had never been able to pick up words, and she retained them. "London Bridge" became a bridge motif; the dwarf's song from Snow White did duty for "dig". Though she sang many songs freely, she never sang her leitmotifs at random for their own sake as songs. Nor did she sing them musically, but rapidly, schematically, functionally - only just well enough for them to do their job as communication. The 1 musical motif whose verbal content seemed totally to lack connection with its characteristic situation turned out, when at last we understood it, to illustrate the verbal content of Elly's music more strikingly than any others. For years we did not guess why Elly, at four, had sung "Alouette" when we combed her hair after washing. It was not until she was over 6, and speaking much more freely, that we discovered the connection: "Alouette" equalled "all wet"- words which at 4 she had never said, nor appeared to understand. Clearly, however, she had registered the sounds, and made through music a connection which she was unable to make verbally.
As Elly approached 4, she abandoned doll-play altogether. But other things took its place. She spilled water on me on purpose, and laughed. She turned the light out while we sat at supper. Teasing is not an Autistic activity.
In this case, it demonstrates the difference between my Aspergers and Elly's odd form of Autism. I was born Hyperlexic, so obsessed with words thet when my abusive parents forbid me to learn how to read or write, I invented my own words and recited them to myself constantly. Elly could not speak at all, other than as musical notes thet represented an idea, but she spontaneously did this totally non-Autistic behavior of teasing.
All my life I have been irritated by teasing and playful pranks. I always recognize thet the person was just teasing, but I have never been able to understand why they tease. It almost makes me want to cry, but with an acidy anxiety. Teenage girls are especially into teasing behavior as a way of flirting, which leaves me as a deer in headlights for a few seconds, then I walk away feeling this irritated anxiety combined with almost a whiny type of wanting to cry. It is like the tears my body makes, not related to emotion, I get if someone scrapes their teeth on their silverware. Only in this last few years have I acquired the ability to tease people and actually be funny with it.
I found that Elly wanted discipline. When she tore a book or penciled a walI, I noticed that if I overlooked the transgression she would take my hand and use it to slap her own. As she approached 3 she made a game of it (I need not re-emphasize how unusual it is for Elly to invent any kind of game). With no provocation whatsoever, she would herself say "No-no", take my hand, make it slap hers, and laugh her head off! This was in contrast to the infrequent occasions when I really slapped her for a real transgression; she did not laugh then, even though it was usually no more than a symbolic tap. Her punishment game made me feel better about the real punishments.
I came to see that discipline is a kind of communication. Negative though it is, it sets up a relationship of mutual expectation. If you do this, I will do that. A normal child needs this assurance of order and predictability. For an abnormal child whose abnormality lies in lack of contact, it is more important. For a child suffering from this specific Autistic syndrome it is essential.
My parents favorite form of abuse was to invent reasons to justify their abusiveness - doled out as "discipline". Thus nothing was ever predictable, other than the attacks thet daily came from nowhere for no reason. This drove all my siblings to become Paranoid Schizophrenics.
Ironically, Aspergers was what saved me from mental illness - I was a deer in headlights in perpetual anxiety, for I could never figure out what the hell was going on. This cluelessness prevented me from taking it personally, though my poor siblings did, thus destroying their egos.
My parents also never let us know what was going on in any situation (they had the extreme classism of "children are too young to understand adult matters"), we were intentionally kept ignorant, thus we always felt insecure about the unknown, thus dependent on them - they would compulsively set us up and sabotage us, then blame us for our ignorance.
My Autistic ability (compulsion) to obsessively focus on minute details, even if it was just sorting nuts and bolts, literally kept me sane.
All observers of such children have been struck by their extraordinary investment in order, their urge to set objects in arbitrary but exact and recurrent arrangements, their capacity to note and be disturbed by the most minor displacement. What is difficult to bear is inconsistency, deviation from that expected pattern of events which is their only surety in an otherwise incomprehensible world.
I am certain thet if I was not Autistic I would have become Schizophrenic like all my siblings.
Also, my Autistic inability to connect with people prevented me from being (at least emotionally) dependent.
At the age of 10 I would lie in my bed, utterly detached from any human interaction listening to my mother play piano down-stairs. I would cry, transferring my need for human intimacy into love of music. Music became a surrogate for love.
The only relationship I ever had with my parents was music. I became the drummer in their band when I was 12. And continued to be a professional musician until I was 36. Music was "love". Playing music with people was the only way to interact with them (See my review of the movie Mockingbird Don't Sing, wherein the child was deeply affected by the sound of clasical music played on a piano, for she had had no other interaction with anything else). I believed I could only have a musician as a girlfriend, or any friend. This conclusion was arrived at due to me being Autistic, and due to my parents utter inability to love or form any relationships themselves with their kids, outside of music (See my review of the movie Under The Piano, wherein the Asperger mom only interacted with the notes her children played, rather than with them). They were never anything more than Schizophrenic projectors, passing the abuse they received from their own parents on to their kids.
Because there could be no help for Elly in a home heavy with anxiety or hushed with the gravity of her condition, the only home that could do her any good was the cheerful natural place we had lived in before she came. Of all of Elly's conditions, we came to feel that the most imperious was the necessity of gayety. They call it "play therapy" after all, and play must be a gay thing.
I will fool no one by making it sound easy. We kept up our joyful act well with the other children, but now and then with [exasperating] Elly it did not work so well. One was not always gay then. But curiously because Elly was what she was, it did not matter much. Certainly it was important to be positive and cheerful when one was in contact with Elly. But most of the time one was not in contact; that is the whole point of Autism. The sensitivity to mood a normal child exhibits was simply not there. So when she was looking beyond one or absorbed in playing with her chain, one could slump in passivity, weep if needed, even cry out. She would take no notice.
My point exactly. Probably about 1/3 of the time, I honestly did not notice I was being abused, thus keeping me sane.
Clara next presents chapter 9 of this book, titled The Professionals, in which she notes the utter uselessness of every doctor she ever took Elly to. The only good point made in the whole chapter was; Kanner [the Doctor who originally defined Autism], himself a child psychiatrist, had tried the techniques of psychotherapy on Autistic children and found them useless.
She could learn and accurately apply the words "oak", "elm", and "maple". Yet words which were much closer to her experience she could not understand or learn. Such terms as "home", "sister", "grandmother", "teacher", "friend", or "stranger" were beyond her at 5; "friend" and "stranger" are beyond her today.
At 3 1/2 the idea of a circle was so clear in her mind that she had commandeered music to do duty for the word she did not know. At 5 1/2, when she was at last ready to learn words in quantity, she learned "triangle", "square", and "rectangle" easily. The simple ideas behind the words "Where did Becky go?" or "Do you like candy?" were beyond her comprehension. But her teachers could say "Draw a red triangle, Elly", and she would do so.
When she learned the other words for shapes they came so easily it could hardly be called learning. Her sisters showed her them 1 morning, to amuse her: pentagon, hexagon, heptagon, octagon, ... There was no hesitation. They spoke the words once; thereafter she simply knew them. 6 months later she asked me for a heptagon. I thought she had said hexagon. Not so. Making heroic effort at clarity, she said, "Heptagon - seven sides!" It was as if she had had the concept for years and had just been waiting for the words to describe them. And of course, she had.
Color was so important to her that I could use it to call attention to things she would not ordinarily notice. I would say "purple mountain", or "brown horse", and Elly, who had little interest in animals and none in landscapes, would see a horse or mountain, which had now acquired significance from its color, and thus learn the word for it.
An Autistic child is one who finds the concepts of "left" and "right" more easily available than "good" and "bad". The Autistic child is one who, having minimized its interaction with the world, feels no need for words to express opinions about it.
In an ordered world, one keeps track of things in space, and events in time. In Elly's 6th year, one of my helpers devised a simple calendar of different colored cards for the separate days of the week. Elly learned them easily, and we began to notice that without having been told she knew what things happened on what days. "Wednesday, Mama go college!", "Saturday, no school!" In 1 of the typical Autistic reversals, rational time words like "tomorrow" and "soon" were much more difficult because they had no exact denotation. Elly still does not really understand them. If she is disappointed because we cannot go shopping today, a promise of "tomorrow" will not cheer her as well as "Friday" will, even if Friday is days away. "Three O-clock" works well, where "soon" does not, and Elly will be on hand to remind us when Friday and Three O'clock come.
The idea that a car might really hurt her seems to defy communication - and this though at 5 she was actually knocked down by a truck. I have tried to make use of a three legged dog in this connection, but he conveys no realization of danger, although he provides an occasion for ritual joking: "Dog hurt! Only 3 legs! Go hospital!" It is not that Elly does not know what cars can do. It is that she cannot imagine it.
My neighbor's little boy is almost 3 and very slow to talk - they are worried about him. He wanders over to me, looks up at my face, points to the swing. The noise he makes is totally unintelligible, but I understand it: "I want." I put him in the swing. Not to worry; he will come out of it. Elly is 8 years old now, I have still never seen her point. She has a vocabulary of hundreds of words. But although it includes "rectangle", "square", and "hexagon", it does not include "What?"
When she was 11 arithmetic had become so easy that she began to play with numbers. Hour after hour she multiplied and divided huge numbers by 7,11,13,17, and 19. She worked out the fractions representing the portion of the year that had past; thus March 6th was 15/73. 60 was her favorite number.
We discovered we could give her any odd number up to 1,000 and she could tell us at once if it was prime. If it was not, she could supply the prime factors - so surely that she once corrected a misprint in a Bereau of Standards table.
Numbers lost their neutrality. Now they reached down to the mysterious sources of her emotional life. "Guess what! 70,003 is a prime!" Some numbers were bad; that year 75 was one of them, which was awkward, since we lived near Paris, and 75 was the Paris license plate number. Elly kicked all cars that bore it.
Now 15 and a working-girl, she only joins us for her vacations. I have just heard from the students who are living with her in our house. What they report tells of her progress and its limits. She was easily upset for a day or so after I left. They would say "WMNB FM", and she would smile. And then terrible news came for one of them: Tracy's father had been in a car-crash, was in a coma, and Tracy was crying. Elly could see tears, she did not need to be told Tracy was sad. She put herself in Tracy's place the best she could. She did not say "I hope you feel better", but "WMNB FM".
It is like living with a Martian or a Faerie.
Some sounds fill her with mysterious delight. Other sounds and phrases trigger an equally mysterious distress that seems, in its devastating suddenness, almost like an allergic reaction of the psyche. Stock responses like "You are welcome", or "What?" may set off a train of undercover mumbles, and innocent words like "water" and "cricket" may set off a crisis of crying.
In my youth I invented many gibberish words thet had emotional definitions to me. Today Aspergers like Gary Numan, Anna Homler, and Bjork intentionally write lyrics in gibberish to express the emotions they feel in the music.
Typical of all Aspergers I used to go into a rage if I was interrupted in any way. Elly hates it when anyone interrupts her while she is listening to a song. Elly also hates the term "I don't know" because to her "I don't know" has the emotional definition of both "yes" and "no", which is just irritating! Thus when she wants to express "I don't know" herself, she says "partly heard song." And the term "Thank you" gives her a mental-image-picture of a little 1 inch man hanging by his hands from a clothespin, which causes her much anxiety.
The fact remains thet she translated this book into Spanish, without understanding a word of Spanish, for she saw words as mathematical equations which she easily transposed into other equations.
Severely damaged by vaccines, but still (or thus) an obvious genius, Elly is an inspiration to us all. I laugh with delight and almost cry both at the same time while reading this wonderful book. I plan to read it again just for my own entertainment.
This book re-instates my desire to adopt an Autistic child.
Clara Claiborne Park also wrote the next chapter in Elly's story, called Exiting Nirvana. I am excited to review it (see my review).
Today Elly (who's real name is Jessica Park) has her own web-site, wherein she sells her paintings, all of which are very colorful and obsessively geometry-based. See www.JessicaPark.com
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The Uncharted Path
My journey with late-diagnosed Autism
by Rachel B Cohen-Rottenberg
Diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 50, Rachel tells her story. It is very chatty and personable, and fun to read.
Finally getting an accurate diagnosis: Little by little my life began to make sense. Try as I might, I would never know how to navigate the social world. Staying in sync with the rhythm of a conversation, even in a small social gathering, had always been difficult. Worse yet, I had always felt frightened, overwhelmed, and disoriented in large crowds. Take my daughter to the mall? Forget it. Enjoy Contra-dancing? Impossible. Make small-talk at wedding receptions? I could never figure out how - or why. At every social event I would end up in the same place - leaning against a wall and looking for someone else who seemed equally dazed. If there was a library in the building, all the better. I would go there to hide.
I especially identify with the above line: "Making small-talk. I could never figure out how - or why." I always wanted to yell exhaustedly at people, "Why are you talking!" "The pointless blithering of imbeciles", I would mutter to myself, shaking my head, depressed - because I so desperately wished I had someone to talk to.
According to my mother, I did not talk until I was 2 1/2 years old, and when I started speaking, I used full and complete sentances. Because I was a first child, I might very well have saved up my words until I could put a sentance together and converse properly with the adults. However, given my ability to visualize strings of words, it is entirely possible that I simply took to print more naturally than to speech. I have always intuitively understood the purpose of the written word, and I do not remember a time when I did not know how to read.
I honestly believe I taught myself how to read.
As a tomboy I favored boys over girls, and right up to 8th grade my best friends were boys. I had more in common with them. Boys were more likely to be athletes like me, and they were more straight-forward than girls. They did not spend their free time talking about their hair and their clothes - two subjects that did not interest me in the least.
According to Attwood, boys with Aspergers tend to become "little professors", capable of holding forth with an astounding array of facts. Girls with Aspergers however, tend to become "little philosophers" who think long and deeply about human interaction. As Attwood writes: "From an early age, girls with Aspergers have applied their cognitive skills to analyze social interactions and are more likely than boys to discuss the inconsistencies in social convention and their thoughts on social events."
Twice in this book Rachel quotes Tony Attwood. I am delighted to review his book The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome (see my review).
Unfortunately the nature of my parents' relationship had dire consequences for me. For reasons thet I will never understand, my mother regularly set up my father's abuse by concocting a story that I had done something to upset her. She would torture me for hours by telling me what my father would do when he got home. I was so afraid of the oncoming pain that I once tried to bribe her by tearfully spilling the contents of my piggy bank on her bed. I begged her not to tell my father in an attempt at self-protection that only infuriated her further.
Her father, himself and undiagnosed Asperger, was the puppet of this evil woman. I have said several times in many of my zines thet my parents' favorite form of abuse was to invent reasons for them to "discipline" me - exactly like Rachel's mother did.
When I became an adolescent my insomnia became significantly worse. High School meant loads of homework and nearly unabated sensory overload. I routinely stayed awake studying until 3 or 4 in the morning. I do not think I was learning much. In my anxiety I was simply keeping myself awake by staring at the print and taking notes. Of course, having to get up a few hours later and catch the bus did not help my stress levels at all. By the time I left home at 18, I was already chronically and painfully insomniatic.
Because people in my neighborhood sensed my innocence, they knew I was trustworthy. They told me things they did not talk about with anyone else. I heard of alcoholic husbands, abusive partners, and the details of serious health problems. When I passed by their homes, elderly women ran out into the snow in their slippers, just to talk to me. As a result, taking long walks became a challenge. So many people wanted to bend my ear that sometimes I made it around the block only once in an hour.
All this attention was very flattering, and even reassuring to some degree, but it was so very empty. When my first marriage broke up and I told some neighbors, they literally took several steps back and did not want to hear it.
This is my life exactly. I have always been everyone's therapist, but none of them were ever willing to be my friend in return. Back when I was publishing zines, 2 teenagers chose me as the first person they came out to as gay. Kristen told me about her being molested as a child. She had never told anyone else. When Coria was a teenager her father hanged himself. I was the first person she had ever really talked to about it.
Syrmore is a YouTuber who just listens to people in V-Chats. They spill their guts about their traumas, because no one else ever listened to them. See Syrmore YouTube. Guy in VR talks about his last girlfriend.
Like Rachel, I was the person people were drawn to to talk about such things, but no one ever wanted to hear mine.
I have always had a heart for Justice. It is a wonderful and painful gift. If you insist on fairness, having a child is a crash course in how maddening the world can be. Kids regularly come up against adults who believe children accrue human rights over a period of years rather than having been born with them.
Enter the Autistic parents who feels compelled to educate such people. Does it work? Usually not. However, my passion for making things right has never stopped me from trying to convince people to treat children with respect. Following is one example of many:
When my daughter Ashlynne was 10, she and I worked in the kitchen of the local Senior Center, helping put the meals together for our Meals On Wheels route. Ashlynne's job was to lock the top onto each aluminum tray that contained a meal. She loved working with the adults, and the adults loved having her around.
Then one day without any warning, all children were banished from every meal-site kitchen in the region. At a different meal site, a child had misbehaved in the kitchen, and The Powers That Be thereby decreed that all children constituted a risk in all kitchens.
Ashlynne was very upset about this new rule, and I was furious. I called the person who had made the decision, and I explained to her that my daughter ought not be penalized for another child's mistakes. I fully supported a rule that individual children who could not behave in a safe manner should be kept away from the kitchens, but my daughter was fully in control of herself and had done nothing wrong. When the woman told me that it was no big deal [to toss out the kids], I spelled out to her exactly how big of a deal it was.
I was not able to get very far by telephone, so I followed up with a letter. In addition to repeating my vehement disagreement with her decision, I told her that to treat children as though they were all the same, as though they had no feelings, and as though they could not be trusted with any responsibility was analogous to the way in which the larger society treated elderly people. Given that Meals On Wheels program existed to give dignity and independence to frail seniors, I thought it only fair that the same respect be extended to relatively powerless children.
I never received a response. The rule remained in force. My sense of fairness would not allow me to work in the kitchen when Ashlynne had been excluded from it, so I quit.
Over the years I have written many other eloquent, well-considered, solution-oriented letters to people who were not capable of understanding a word I said. I wish I would have saved those letters. I would compile them into a book called, "If I Have To Explain Why, Then You Would Not Understand."
Baby ear-piercing, circumcisions, clitoridectomies, and hermaphrodite mutilation have been pet-peeves of mine for a long time. I have published zines on all of those subjects, describing the anger I feel toward classist people who think children should be segregated from adults at dinner parties into caste systems labeled "little kids", "big kids", and "adults". This evil system, wherein children are designated as an "inferior class" and thus their little bodies can be considered the property of "parents" who thus mutilate it as they see fit, must be destroyed!
For 19 years I was a publisher in the Alternative Press/Zine Scene wherein I became famous as "a radical soldier for human rights". I am immensely proud of my Aspergian sense of Ethics (to the point of conceited indignance due to the Zine Scene being predominantly criminally insane Anarchists and pathetic animal rights type of victim-wannabes. It eventually became beneath me to continue spoon-feeding morons and beating idiots over the head, as Rachel tried to do above. See (my review of) the Japanese movie The Eye, and then stop casting your pearls before swine!).
As for Rachel's predicament above, I would have went to the press and publicly demanded the classist creep who made the asinine decision be fired, and thet the children be allowed to re-join the program so they may learn how to become contributing members of civilized society, learn the joy of giving as volunteers for community service, learn to care for those less fortunate than themselves, etc; i.e., You will submit to what this Ethically superior Asperger commands you to believe, or I will crucify you in the press! (I have a bit more conceited indignance than Rachel does, but her comment about a book called, "If I Have To Explain Why, Then You Would Not Understand" clearly shows the typical Asperger attitude of superiority.)
Although you cannot change other people, you can give your child a Code of Ethics that many children lack. During our home-schooling years, Ashlynne and I did a great deal of role-playing about making difficult choices, such as being inclusive when others attempted to form a clique [read: insisting on Communistic equal camaraderie while others are attempting to form sub-Democracy lynch-mobs], being honest when it seemed easier to lie, and keeping one's word when tempted to break a promise. She loved coming up with different ways to address Ethical dilemmas, and the lessons have stayed with her.
The "ridiculous sense of Ethics" is a typical Asperger trait. I wrote and published the best zine ever to appear in the Alternative Press, on Ethics pholisophy. And I declare thet the best book I ever read was Peter Kropotkin's Ethics - Origin and Development.
I quit the Zine Scene when 90% of my readers and reviewers became terrified of my Ethics zine, for in it, in my ethical superiority, I proved everything they believed in was a lie, thus provoking them to lash out like wounded animals with personal attacks and malicious lies to try to shut me up. That is when I stopped casting my pearls before swine. My attitude and behavior is typically Aspergian. I would not give up my conceited indignance for a million bucks.
Literal thinking and a passion for truth: This way of thinking can make me very inflexible. For example, when Bob says that he is going to be home at 8 PM, I see the words so clearly in my mind that it is as though what they signify has already happened. When the words do not come true, I feel very confused.
Time and again Bob and I have knocked heads over this issue. He will tell me that he is going to put Plan 1.0 into action, and I will get ready for Plan 1.0. Then Plan 1.0 changes to Plan 1.1 or Plan 1.13, then Plan 1.13 A, or for reasons I cannot even begin to imagine, Plan 5.0! How can you get from Plan 1.13 to Plan 5.0 without going through 2.0 to 4.0 first? I will never understand it.
If the plan changes simply because people decide that they would rather do plan 1.13 than Plan 1.0, I am lost. Utterly lost. Ultimately I throw my hands up in resignation at the desecration of all that is high and Holy, wander in a wilderness bereft of logic, and send this following unanswerable question into the void: Do WORDS have ANY meaning AT ALL anymore?
I am able to laugh at this. For "illiterate morons" who do not respect words just irritate the hell into me.
And as I said in Indigo #4:
An Autistic cannot count from 3 to 5. They can only count from 1 to 5.
If asked to tell you what letter comes after S, they do not think, "Q - R - S - T ... T comes after S." They have to think, "A - B - C - D - E - F - G, etc, to R- S - T ... T comes after S."
It was helpful for me to learn the alphabet backward, so I could think, "Z - Y - X - W - V - U - T - S ... T comes after S." Rather than having to recite the whole damn alphabet forward to get to S.
If the Classic Autistic child knows the route from A to B to C, they will "spook" like a horse if you go straight from A to C.
Is it such a bad thing to expect honesty in others? Is it so wrong to speak the truth? Are these traits evidence of some sort of deficit? I do not believe so. By being honest, and by being outraged by dishonesty, I can do naturally what every religion has tried for centuries to inculcate.
Being too honest for one's own good in a world gone mad is referred to as "Pragmatic Language Disorder". But how can an Asperger's "inappropriate" honesty be a disorder? For if everyone were like us, the world would be paradise.
I had my sensory assessment. My Occupational Therapist used to following tools:
- Interview
- Developmental/Sensory History Questionnaire
- Adolescent/Adult Sensory Profile
- Quick Neurological Screening Test II
- Gravitational Insecurity Screening Tool
- Sub-tests from PEERAMID 2
- Ocular Observations of gross motor, fine motor, and balance skills
The result of the assessment showed I have the following:
- Sensory Processing Disorder
- Sensory Modulation Disorder
- Dyspraxia
- Gravitational Insecurity
Sensory Processing Disorder occurs when the brain's ability to filter and interpret simultaneous sensations is impaired. The brain may fail to filter the stimuli, or it may misinterpret neutral stimuli as threatening.
I definitely have this. CAPD being my worst symptom, I am unable to tune out, or otherwise filter, sound; everything is too loud, my brain listens harder when I am asleep rather than turning off, and the sound in my dreams gets so loud it hurts and wakes me up. 1 of the most irritating things to me is when 2 different sounds are going on at the same time; specifically if a store thet has Muzak playing also has a section wherein they sell stereos. At a certain location in the store I can hear both the Muzak and the Stereos, which causes me painful irritation. The sound of the air-stream generated by hand-driers in public toilets causes me painful anxiety and almost brings me to tears; i.e., my brain misinterprets that sound as threatening - I have an anxiety-attack and want to run from the room. Another sound misinterpreted as threatening is the jingle played at the end of each Ted Talk. It just makes me panic. It is just irritating when video interviews have a person talking while soundtrack music is playing at the same time.
Sensory Modulation Disorder refers to a person's inability to regulate the intensity of their responses to stimuli. A person might over-respond, or under-respond, and/or seek stimuli.
I am unable to prevent myself from having the above reactions, even though I know positively thet air hand-driers are harmless. And seeking stimuli is called Stims; my preferred Stim is to twirl objects - be it a bullet in my pocket, CD cases in my hands, or the metal-detector wand at my Security Guard job - I need to set it on a table, and twirl it in a circle clockwise while I stare at nothing a foot above it, thus it is only in my peripheral vision as it spins. The need for this is caused by the scent of the people I have to wand. If they smell of perfume, cigarettes, or simply have a strong personal scent, it over-stimulates me and makes me need to Stim for a minute or 2 to unwind.
I also wear glasses thet turn very dark in the sun, which is not enough - I still have to wear additional brown anti-glare filters if I go outside. (See my Irlen Lenses page).
As for tactile stimuli, I hate being touched. All people's touch feels too hot for me. And as for sex, all women like it rough, thus I hate them.
I experience the visual world with great intensity, I see colors very vividly. I continually scan my environment, looking at numerous details and attempting to order them into patterns. Because the visual world constantly changes, my ordering process never stops. Unless I consciously focus my attention on a single object, my eyes constantly dart around at all the disparate phenomena in my environment.
This of course eventually becomes overwhelming, thus necessitating an obsessive focus on 1 thing alone - like sorting nuts and bolts - it sometime almost brings me to tears if I cannot sort things while I am stressing out.
For a neuro-typical person, the process of locating and selecting the sounds to which the brain attends is largely unconscious. Therefore, other pathways in the brain are free to perform other functions. On a conscious level, the neuro-typical person takes the auditory information the brain has unconsciously selected, listens to it, makes choices about which sounds have priority, and interprets those sounds accordingly.
This process is almost entirely foreign to me. Nearly all of my processing is conscious. The only unconscious response I give to sound are to defend against it or to become very unnerved by it.
For me, all sounds come in at a very similar volume (and thus seem to have a similar level of importance), and when I attempt to locate sound, I often look in the wrong place.
In Indigo #4 I said:
Being able to recognize which direction sound is comming from is also hard for me; e.g., I was having band practice. We took a break, during which I went into another building to get something. As I carried it back to the rehearsal space I was not able to open the door with my hands full, so I yelled to my band members inside the room to open the door for me. They said they were not there. I yelled again thet I was about to drop it, and for them to open the door. They yelled back thet they were standing behind me. I turned to look, and sure enough, they were standing at about 4:00, 20 feet away. It sounded so obvious to me thet they were just behind the door. I hate that.
I can never tell where the sound of a siren is comming from. It is painfully loud, so I must plug my ears, while I look around in confusion trying to see where the emergency vehicle is.
I also hate it if my cell-phone rings while I am driving, for it surprises me every time because I cannot tell thet the sound is coming from a cell-phone at my waist - for all I know it is coming from outside the car. It is extremely irritating. Then of course it is illegal to answer the phone while driving, so I very unreasonably go into a panic as I try to find a place to pull over. I hate that too. Why must I wind myself up over nothing.
I have simply accepted that for me, auditory overload is the most difficult part of being Autistic.
Light touch makes me very jumpy. I feel as though I am being tickled, which I do not like. I feel very annoyed. I let out the annoyance by flapping my hands or bouncing my legs up and down. I need a firmer touch with more pressure. Though one pressure I cannot tolerate is tight clothing on my skin.
My skin needs a very gentle touch, while I like going to the chiropractor where my bones get wrenched with great pressure. And I cannot sleep with clothes on, I wake up in anxiety, feeling like I am being strangled all over - I usually sleep naked with no blankets at all. If I drink rum my body goes numb enough thet I like to be touched with a firm caress - otherwise, do not touch me. (P.S. Since going on the GF/CF Diet, I no longer drink alcohol, and I can tolerate touch better.)
During my assessment, it became clear that I have deficits in each facet of my vestibular system. Once I became knowledgeable about these deficits, I began to understand why different aspects of Karate had been so difficult for me. When I was studying Karate and my sensei asked me to move with my eyes closed, I either quickly lost my balance or became rooted to the floor. When I was able to move at all, I had no idea where I was in relation to anyone else. It was frightening. Without my visual sense to orient me, I was lost.
This is me exactly. I cannot walk in pitch blackness without losing my balance and wobbling around horribly. Sometimes I even fall. I must have a visual reference-point to determine if I am out of balance. I also do not ride a motorcycle at night, because if I cannot see I am tipping over I do not feel it very well.
Dyspraxia is a deficit in one's ability to plan, sequence, and execute novel motor tasks. I have mild Dyspraxia when performing fine motor tasks, and moderate Dyspraxia when performing gross motor tasks.
To learn to knit, I used the instructions in a beginner's book. I found it difficult to figure out from the drawings how to hold the needles, how to place the yarn on them, and how to do the various stitches. It was hard to translate from the pictures in the book to what was going on in my hands.
I am an extremely audio learner. I cannot learn with pictures unless I have a running commentary about what is being shown. The opposite is also true, in thet I need to read your lips while you are talking (rather than looking you in the eye), for without both the visual and audio reference-points I have a hard time understanding what you are saying. If I watch a video wherein the picture does not sync with the sound exactly, it irritates me so much I have to turn away and try to learn by just listening - but then I am missing half the information; and I hate talking on the phone, because I cannot see the speaker's mouth.
I hated the Corona Fraud, wherein everyone was required to wear a surgical mask. I do not make eye contact, and now I cannot read your lips either, in which case you, and more importantly what you are saying, do not exist.
In most cases, you cannot teach me what to do. I must be left alone to figure it out on my own.
Gravitational Insecurity denotes a condition in which a person cannot determine the position of their head in relation to the Earth. They are afraid to have their feet off the ground or their head tipped back. The evaluation concluded that I have severe gravitational insecurity and that I rely to a very great extent on my vision to orient myself in space. I am particularly averse to any kind of rotational movement.
This is also very much me. I love caves, digging in dirt, sleeping on the ground, etc - partly due to being a Natural Witch, wherein I readily absorb psychic energy from the Earth it's self (the Honey Combs area of Oregon is intensely Psychic. I would walk around naked, my bare feet tingling ecstatically there).
I also am slightly dizzy at all times, thus I am never quite sure exactly where I am. I get really dizzy very easily, even by suddenly turning my head a mere 90 degrees - forget carnival rides.
As a child I used to bury myself in dirt, and hold perfectly still. This must be where the term "grounded" came from - having your feet on the ground, as opposed to head in the clouds. It also explains why tantruming children instinctively stomp their feet. I cannot ride a skateboard, nor pull a wheely on a motorcycle. I must stay firmly on the ground.
I also have this deep-seated ... not belief, but knowledge thet I cannot be physically hurt; i.e., my body can get injured, but I do not feel the pain because it is easy for me to be (and even hard for me to refrain from being) in a slightly different location than my body. And I have completely left my body 3 times while playing drums, and a couple times while simply spacing out. This is called being a First Wave Indigo, or a Natural Witch, or more appropriately, an Asperger with Gravitational Insecurity.
I am very soothed by the aesthetics of objects - how they look, how they feel, and how they sound. Simply holding objects in my hands and deciding where to put them is very grounding.
This is the same as me sorting nuts and bolts - the touch and smell of them soothes me. I also love tearing down and setting up drum sets - typically Aspergian, I am fascinated with parts of things; I also love the smell of drums.
I created a series of sculptures designed specifically to be put in an art gallery for the blind; i.e., they were designed to be touched and explored with your fingers.
Sometimes it feels so easy to be a pleasantly eccentric person who craves solitude. However, there is the flip-side, when I stand apart and my solitude is transformed into loneliness, even in the midst of people who love me. In those moments, getting angry seems much easier than crying. However, as I have begun to discover, letting the tears flow helps me find a way through the obstacles that loom so large in my life.
At the age of 25 I gave up on trying to attain friends, and at 27 I gave up trying to attain any form of girlfriend. At that point I became angry about it - in fact enraged. I remained in a state of anger for another 18 years! But at the age of 45 I finally got over it. Then I moved to Tucson, where I cried and cried and cried, so relieved to finally have the anger out of my system. That is when I started fantasizing about adopting a child, realizing thet a little kid is the only person who will ever let me love them.
Anger is a defense-mechanism; sobbing in despair is reality, and is oh-so cathartic.
I did not weep for either of my grandparents when they died - I do not even remember feeling sad. I tried desperately to locate my feelings, but I could not. At the time I thought that something was wrong with me. I went through the motions of attending the funeral and sitting shiva, but no tears came. While my mother was inconsolable, I felt oddly empty. When a friend at school offered her condolences, I realized that I ought to feel something, but I could not figure out what it could be.
For 30 years I did not cry.
I typed-in my father's name. It did not appear in the list. He was still alive. Then I entered my mother's name. She had died 11 months earlier.
I want to say that I dissolved into tears, and that there was much guilt, regret, and gnashing of teeth. But all I could feel was relief. Pure relief. For the first time in my life, I felt safe.
When my parents die, and even my siblings, I will feel giddy elation, a pure white light will shine from my solar plexus, and my face will lose 10 years of age.
All these times I have said, "Die! I will not notice" were slightly inaccurate. I am sure I will notice, and possibly feel tremendous relief thet the world is now a better place. I wrote about this in Indigo #1:
As a teenager my parents kept trying to force me to be “friends” with other boys my age, all of whom I hated. They were all sociopath infant ass-holes!
My mother kept “fixing me up” with other boys to try to get me to “be friends” with them. Scott (a vicious sadist rapist), Shannon (a sociopath drug-dealer), and Jesse (a promiscuous passive/aggressive obsessed with recreational vandalism).
I had no idea what a friend was, and these people my mother kept trying to make me “be” friends with were truly horrifying human beings. It made my already bewildered Asperger self into an extremely anti-social hermit. I became obsessed with my music because all humans (my evil mother kept choozing for me as friends) were simply insane.
This my utterly brain-dead mother perceived as me being “painfully shy”. What an idiot! Thus she thought I needed her to continue to make friends for me, which I found infuriating!
The fact that she could not see the blatantly obvious evil in these sacks of shit she kept forcing me to associate with produced tremendous mental-anguish in me.
Scott eventually killed 3 people and himself. When I heard that, I laughed out loud and felt giddy.
When my mother dies, I might just squeal with delight. I might also feel utterly dead nothing, like Rachel did at the funeral of her grandparents she actually loved.
I can combine those 2 possibilities and just say, "Die! I will not notice", for at this point I literally could not care less if I feel either.
As I have sought to understand the differences between Autistic and Neuro-typical people, I have learned that NT's communicate non-verbally about 90% of the time. As a result, most people communicate at a frequency I cannot hear. That knowledge makes this Autistic person very nervous. I have always lived with anxiety - I have never been without it. Now I understand why.
As I have said several times before, nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words. Unfortunately the Normals mainly jabber, yack, blither, and yammer the language it's self, and (from my interpretation as a literary genius) never does their use of language have anything to do with what is going on with them. I am thus put into a state of extreme frustration, exasperation, and outright anger because as far as I can tell they are not saying anything. It is literally painful to me when they "interact" without actually communicating (my way).
The root of the problem is that I do not carry anyone with me in my mind. I do not think about seeing a friend the next day and telling her of the knitting I am doing. I do not look forward to what I will do, what I will say, or what kind of experience I will have [with that person]. In my mind's eye, I do not see myself sharing anything with anyone. I feel very cut off from the world.
I had planned to go to the office, get my schedule, check it against the board, get the log-book, pick up my check, go cash it, go eat dinner. Typically, nowhere in that scenario did I picture there being any other person involved. So when people interrupt the stream of thought in my head, it exasperates me.
As I have thought about why so many of my attempts to find community have not worked, I have come to see that I have made many of the same mistakes over and over. I now make a concerted effort to avoid the following errors:
- Confusing competence with intelligence.
- Ignoring my instincts and previous experience.
- Trying (obsessively) to do everything right.
- Idealizing a group and jumping in with both feet.
This was the main point I made in those previous zines about Kristen, and giving up on the music business:
Back in New Leaf #1, I talked about my recognition of the main mistake I made in the music business. It was thet I would find a genius musician, and be so impressed with them as an artist thet I would overlook the fact they were a sack of shit of a human being. I confused their competence with intelligence, thus allowing myself to get emotionally invested in the Utopian Vision thet I had at last found my community (of genius musicians). Unfortunately I was thus forced to lower my standards to avoid disappointment (and maintain the fantasy), which made me end up feeling tremendous resentment toward them. Eventually I was in an absolute rage, because I wanted a music career so much, but I just hated the people I could not play without.
The pain of desperate loneliness amid people I could not connect with (nor wanted to, for they were all brain-dead compared to me), combined with the real fear of the band breaking up and leaving me (to admit it was all just a Utopian Vision/fantasy of an innocent idealist/deluded fool) could only be compensated for with rage. Thus I burned out on the music business.
Ignoring my instincts and previous experience is something I do not know how to stop. For my desperation for some form of contact makes it necessary to approach each new situation/person with a clean slate - to give them a chance to prove themselves. It is unfair of me to project my bitterness, cynicism, and resentment onto new people; though my instincts are usually correct - they always end up being a bunch of maggots (they are always cackling mad-men/headless chickens, and I am thus always left as a deer in headlights).
Me trying to do everything right is what makes me end up resenting them so much. I developed Obsessive Personality Disorder in my attempt to "make it work this time", every time, until I was in such a state of rage thet I decided to kill myself to escape the anger I could no longer bear.
Idealizing a group and jumping in with both feet: When I was traveling to Tucson (81-day motorcycle trip), I was fantasizing the whole way about writer's groups, and my belief thet all Asperger support groups would of course be writer's clubs. It is always so shockingly disappointing when I get slapped in the face with the reality thet it was all another Utopian Vision.
If everyone on Earth but me died today, I would be cured. There is no other way for me to keep from dropping dead in despair - other than to compulsively adhere to Rachel's list (read: flogging 4 dead horses at once).
Like many Autistic people, I have been very lonely. As I have puzzled out the ways that Autism has affected my life, I have come to realize that nearly everything I have ever done has been for the sake of meeting people, impressing them, finding a group, and making friends. I have trotted out skills, ideas, knowledge, time, and energy in the vain hope that someone would accept me as I am, and invite me in from the cold.
I have finally stopped operating that way. It has never brought me anything I have wanted, and it has drained my energy for many years. Instead I have begun to apply my considerable tenacity to the task of discovering what I might enjoy for its own sake.
Good for you, Rachel. This is what I referred to above as, "Stop casting your pearls before swine."
The Normals are hopeless. Give up.
As Rachel said: I have begun to apply my considerable tenacity to the task of discovering what I might enjoy for its own sake.
In my case this is motorcycle adventure riding (alone), playing drums (alone), and writing writing writing (alone).
Fuck the Normals.
So the point is thet Rachel says she spent most of her life desperately trying not to be herself. I am the opposite.
Perhaps this is my maleness or my Ariesness, but I have always felt an aversion to being like the Normals - even as a small child, I had no desire to be like anyone. I always felt annoyed by the inferiors, and as an adult I felt a condescending contempt toward them.
Until I began to grieve the loss of those dreams, I could not see what was right in front of me. I could not see that in writing about my experience I was having a profound impact on the lives of other people. When people who read my blog sent me E-Mails saying, "For the first time in my life, I know I am not alone", I was finally able to take it in. I was finally able to see that real flesh-and-blood people have the same fear, the same grief, the same longings I do. See Syrmore's YouTube channel.
Almost accidentally I have found a way to be of use. And for that I am profoundly grateful.
1 of the few accurate reviews I ever got was about Indigo #1: It is like all of Shannon’s personal zines combined, but presented as a case-study for the purpose of educating people about this disorder that affects 1 out of every 300 people.
This 1 reviewer recognized thet I write this because I want to help people understand.
After I wrote issue 1, I felt the need to explain myself, for when I go back and re-read it now, it feels masturbatory to me. Whereas what I intended was to help the Normals see how their Aspie child will turn out of they do not educate themselves and get the kid help. If the parent is not able to give the appropriate help, they must get help from others, even from me.
1 of the most pathetic forms of "parenting" I have ever seen is when a person says they do not want to get a diagnosis for their Special child, because they do not want the child to be "stigmatized". This is so utterly stupid. The "stigma" of a diagnosis is the only way to get the child some help! You moron! They would rather stay in denial until the kid ends up like me - seething with bitterness over being neglected and abused by Normals who never gave a damn about my diagnosis.
After I gave up on the useless Adult Asperger Association in Tucson, I joined another group called Parents Autism Support Service. It consisted entirely of parents who had small Autistic kids in public school. I was so excited to contribute because I could tell them what it is like to be an Autistic child in public school, their child cannot. I was so proud to have something to teach. But it only lasted 2 meetings because (I am guessing here) it was more of a social group for Autism moms who just wanted a place to go and commiserate, rather than get educated and help their kids. Perhaps that sort of group is needed, but the fact they did not go to TAFA (the official state-run Autism Center in Tucson) or any other educational meetings gave me the impression I was flogging a dead horse with these morons. They would also occasionally interject little jabs at me, such as "Asperger, with the accent on the Ass" throughout the meetings, thus driving me out so they can return to their typical female commiseration CS. (CS, cow shit, as opposed to BS, bull-shit). Stupid cunts. Is there any Normal female who does not have Munchausen Syndrome?
So anyway, I am very proud of you Rachel, and very pleased thet someone out there actually wants to hear what you have to say - while you get to feel proud of yourself for being a teacher.
I spent about a 4-year period in tears of alternating rage and despair, due to the fact no one would listen to me, when I just so desperately wanted to help. That is when I decided to kill myself (in 2006). See my review of the movie The Eye.
This is why I ended up writing book-reviews, no one is going to hear me anyway, maybe they will hear you if I recommend your book to them.
I did not start the blog as a comming-out project, but it soon became one. For the blog to make any sense at all, I had to accurately describe all of my feelings and experiences. I could not limit myself to the ones I thought would be acceptable.
My 5 issues of Indigo I like to think of as warts-and-all presentations of what it is really like to have Aspergers Syndrome.
Typically Aspergian, Rachel also gives us the facts, warts and all, which I respect.
Then she admits it: Can't I go back to considering myself Neuro-typical and Neurotic, instead of Autistic and Eccentric? It is not too late to get the toothpaste back into the tube, is it?
Coming out has allowed me to get on with the task of being who I am.
Rachel talks about her bad sense of direction, especially when inside a building, which is also a very bad symptom of mine. It is all I can do to keep from yelling in anger at someone if they try to give me directions from inside a building. They must either show me a map, or take me outside, facing the correct direction while telling me the route to take.
I am so good at adventure riding with paper maps right in front of me. Because I am outside, I sense in a very natural way which direction is which. But as soon as I am inside a building, I get lost completely.
My understanding of speech is visual, not auditory.
I am very auditory, but my hearing is not accurate, thus I watch teeth rather than make eye-contact when people talk, giving me the visual reference point to what I am hearing you say (2 senses are better than 1).
It begins with word-pictures, not with sound. My natural way of interacting with the world is to start with spelled out words that form in my head. Perhaps it is for this reason that I do not remember learning to read. At some point, I must have intuitively figured out the relationship between the spoken and printed word, and from there I understood what reading was all about.
I too taught myself how to read.
The belief that I am very smart has driven all my hopes and all my dreams for my entire life. It is what fueled whatever self-esteem I have built. It has been the bedrock of my self-worth. It has kept me going when I did not think I had anything left.
All Aspergers recognize their intellectual superiority, thus the despair induced by interacting with the infantile and the braindead-I-mean-the Normals is overcome with the counter-balance of self-righteousness. It is what leads so many Aspies to conclude they are Indigos. We are in fact smarter than the Normals, thus the individuality (both as very unique characters, and as profoundly alone Autistics) can make us feel special and aloof rather than outcast.
To put it bluntly, I am offended by the whole idea that one can or should "recover" from Autism. I am offended by the implication that being Autistic is a negative condition. After all, one speaks of recovering from cancer, flu, or a traumatic childhood. One can even be in perpetual process of recovery from drug addiction or alcoholism. To most people, each of these conditions is a very bad thing.
The word "recovery" assumes that something bad is happening - that something has been taken away that must be recovered. But what does Autism take away, exactly?
I can make lists upon lists of all the things I cannot do. But how can I be robbed of something I never had in the first place? I do not feel robbed by being Autistic any more than someone who cannot carry a tune feels robbed of becoming an opera singer. Why should Autistic people dream of making proper social conversation? I am normal for me, just like everyone else.
The scare-tactics of organizations like Autism Speaks, the ways in which scientific researchers have appropriated our voices, the fact that we are the subjects of medical and psychological "research" to find "treatments" and even a "cure", the propensity of so many people to define only one way of thinking and believing as "normal" - all of these factors mean that the struggle for respect and empowerment will be a long and difficult one.
Several times I have used the term "The Autism Fad" to refer to people who simply want to use us as guinea-pigs to leech money out of; "Professionals" trying to raise money for "research" on Autism, when (as with the Cancer scam and the AIDS scam) the causes and cures are already known (I use the word "cures" here as a broad-sweeping generalization, but you get my point).
The distinction Rachel fails to make is thet, as seen in my scale denoting: Nerd, Asperger, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism, "Autism" it's self is a broad-sweeping generalization.
As an Asperger, I do not want to be entirely cured, but I am still doing everything I can to at least get my symptoms under control so I am no longer incapacitated. And in the case of severe Classic Autism, as with the kids mentioned in the books I reviewed (Accept No Autism, Beyond the Silence, and The Boy Who Loved Windows), "extensive recovery efforts" were absolutely necessary to help these kids become anything more than the drooling Retards or perpetually shrieking rage-attack monsters they would have otherwise been their whole lives long. Taking a severely Autistic child and recovering her to the state of a mild Asperger sounds like a good idea to me. But like Hans Asperger said: "For success in science or art, a dash of Autism is essential."
I spent the afternoon with an Autistic friend. When I got home, I thought about what a nice time I had had, just like a regular person!
How did this happen? It came from the realization that my friend thinks as I do - associatively and intuitively, rather than linearly and analytically. It is not that we cannot get all linear and analytical; we can and we do. But before we get there, we are free-associating and intuiting connections all over the place, and it is great fun.
My ability to engage the world associatively, visually, intuitively is a great gift. My passion for balance, and for Justice is a great gift. My ability to enjoy my solitude is a great gift. My ability to create things of beauty is a great gift. The intensity with which I feel things, hear things, and see things is a great gift.
Of course having a great gift does not necessarily make life fun. In fact having a gift and not knowing how to use it can make the world a cold and lonely place. Many of us wander in the wilderness for most of our lives. It is not fun - but having fun is not the same as knowing joy. Who is this person who thinks associatively, rambles on, and knows that far from something being wrong with her, something is very right with her.
When I was 27, Ursela said I never allowed myself any fun. What she meant by "fun" was the sociopathic Anarchist rebellion of recreational vandalism.
Unlike her (an abusive masochist), I had joy instead. I felt much joy in being an obsessive workaholic, fixated on my Asperger subjects, running my mind associatively, while being more creative than God.
Though I was 36 before it dawned on me thet I do not in fact know how to play nor have fun, I still felt joy - particularly on motorcycle adventure rides - in fact they were heaven to me. For on those rides I was totally alone with myself, and thus 100% Aspergian, which was truly joyous. Like Rachel, I never want to be completely cured.
Throughout this book, Rachel interjects commas where they do not belong, and uses periods when she should use a dash or semicolon. She also annoyingly conjoins words constantly, when she should spell them out for clarity. Otherwise, as you can see above, I love this book, and identify very strongly with 90% of her points of view and symptoms.
I would like to see her write a book about an Asperger raising a Normal kid. I think she would do that very well; she ends the book by telling of how she wanted to appologize to her own child for how difficult it must have been for the child to grow up with a mom who was Autistic but did not know it. The kid instead tells her thet she was an excellent mother, because of the Autistic aspects (as mentioned above, she and her child would take turns inventing scenarios with which to discuss the subject of Ethics, etc.).
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My journey with late-diagnosed Autism
by Rachel B Cohen-Rottenberg
Diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 50, Rachel tells her story. It is very chatty and personable, and fun to read.
Finally getting an accurate diagnosis: Little by little my life began to make sense. Try as I might, I would never know how to navigate the social world. Staying in sync with the rhythm of a conversation, even in a small social gathering, had always been difficult. Worse yet, I had always felt frightened, overwhelmed, and disoriented in large crowds. Take my daughter to the mall? Forget it. Enjoy Contra-dancing? Impossible. Make small-talk at wedding receptions? I could never figure out how - or why. At every social event I would end up in the same place - leaning against a wall and looking for someone else who seemed equally dazed. If there was a library in the building, all the better. I would go there to hide.
I especially identify with the above line: "Making small-talk. I could never figure out how - or why." I always wanted to yell exhaustedly at people, "Why are you talking!" "The pointless blithering of imbeciles", I would mutter to myself, shaking my head, depressed - because I so desperately wished I had someone to talk to.
According to my mother, I did not talk until I was 2 1/2 years old, and when I started speaking, I used full and complete sentances. Because I was a first child, I might very well have saved up my words until I could put a sentance together and converse properly with the adults. However, given my ability to visualize strings of words, it is entirely possible that I simply took to print more naturally than to speech. I have always intuitively understood the purpose of the written word, and I do not remember a time when I did not know how to read.
I honestly believe I taught myself how to read.
As a tomboy I favored boys over girls, and right up to 8th grade my best friends were boys. I had more in common with them. Boys were more likely to be athletes like me, and they were more straight-forward than girls. They did not spend their free time talking about their hair and their clothes - two subjects that did not interest me in the least.
According to Attwood, boys with Aspergers tend to become "little professors", capable of holding forth with an astounding array of facts. Girls with Aspergers however, tend to become "little philosophers" who think long and deeply about human interaction. As Attwood writes: "From an early age, girls with Aspergers have applied their cognitive skills to analyze social interactions and are more likely than boys to discuss the inconsistencies in social convention and their thoughts on social events."
Twice in this book Rachel quotes Tony Attwood. I am delighted to review his book The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome (see my review).
Unfortunately the nature of my parents' relationship had dire consequences for me. For reasons thet I will never understand, my mother regularly set up my father's abuse by concocting a story that I had done something to upset her. She would torture me for hours by telling me what my father would do when he got home. I was so afraid of the oncoming pain that I once tried to bribe her by tearfully spilling the contents of my piggy bank on her bed. I begged her not to tell my father in an attempt at self-protection that only infuriated her further.
Her father, himself and undiagnosed Asperger, was the puppet of this evil woman. I have said several times in many of my zines thet my parents' favorite form of abuse was to invent reasons for them to "discipline" me - exactly like Rachel's mother did.
When I became an adolescent my insomnia became significantly worse. High School meant loads of homework and nearly unabated sensory overload. I routinely stayed awake studying until 3 or 4 in the morning. I do not think I was learning much. In my anxiety I was simply keeping myself awake by staring at the print and taking notes. Of course, having to get up a few hours later and catch the bus did not help my stress levels at all. By the time I left home at 18, I was already chronically and painfully insomniatic.
Because people in my neighborhood sensed my innocence, they knew I was trustworthy. They told me things they did not talk about with anyone else. I heard of alcoholic husbands, abusive partners, and the details of serious health problems. When I passed by their homes, elderly women ran out into the snow in their slippers, just to talk to me. As a result, taking long walks became a challenge. So many people wanted to bend my ear that sometimes I made it around the block only once in an hour.
All this attention was very flattering, and even reassuring to some degree, but it was so very empty. When my first marriage broke up and I told some neighbors, they literally took several steps back and did not want to hear it.
This is my life exactly. I have always been everyone's therapist, but none of them were ever willing to be my friend in return. Back when I was publishing zines, 2 teenagers chose me as the first person they came out to as gay. Kristen told me about her being molested as a child. She had never told anyone else. When Coria was a teenager her father hanged himself. I was the first person she had ever really talked to about it.
Syrmore is a YouTuber who just listens to people in V-Chats. They spill their guts about their traumas, because no one else ever listened to them. See Syrmore YouTube. Guy in VR talks about his last girlfriend.
Like Rachel, I was the person people were drawn to to talk about such things, but no one ever wanted to hear mine.
I have always had a heart for Justice. It is a wonderful and painful gift. If you insist on fairness, having a child is a crash course in how maddening the world can be. Kids regularly come up against adults who believe children accrue human rights over a period of years rather than having been born with them.
Enter the Autistic parents who feels compelled to educate such people. Does it work? Usually not. However, my passion for making things right has never stopped me from trying to convince people to treat children with respect. Following is one example of many:
When my daughter Ashlynne was 10, she and I worked in the kitchen of the local Senior Center, helping put the meals together for our Meals On Wheels route. Ashlynne's job was to lock the top onto each aluminum tray that contained a meal. She loved working with the adults, and the adults loved having her around.
Then one day without any warning, all children were banished from every meal-site kitchen in the region. At a different meal site, a child had misbehaved in the kitchen, and The Powers That Be thereby decreed that all children constituted a risk in all kitchens.
Ashlynne was very upset about this new rule, and I was furious. I called the person who had made the decision, and I explained to her that my daughter ought not be penalized for another child's mistakes. I fully supported a rule that individual children who could not behave in a safe manner should be kept away from the kitchens, but my daughter was fully in control of herself and had done nothing wrong. When the woman told me that it was no big deal [to toss out the kids], I spelled out to her exactly how big of a deal it was.
I was not able to get very far by telephone, so I followed up with a letter. In addition to repeating my vehement disagreement with her decision, I told her that to treat children as though they were all the same, as though they had no feelings, and as though they could not be trusted with any responsibility was analogous to the way in which the larger society treated elderly people. Given that Meals On Wheels program existed to give dignity and independence to frail seniors, I thought it only fair that the same respect be extended to relatively powerless children.
I never received a response. The rule remained in force. My sense of fairness would not allow me to work in the kitchen when Ashlynne had been excluded from it, so I quit.
Over the years I have written many other eloquent, well-considered, solution-oriented letters to people who were not capable of understanding a word I said. I wish I would have saved those letters. I would compile them into a book called, "If I Have To Explain Why, Then You Would Not Understand."
Baby ear-piercing, circumcisions, clitoridectomies, and hermaphrodite mutilation have been pet-peeves of mine for a long time. I have published zines on all of those subjects, describing the anger I feel toward classist people who think children should be segregated from adults at dinner parties into caste systems labeled "little kids", "big kids", and "adults". This evil system, wherein children are designated as an "inferior class" and thus their little bodies can be considered the property of "parents" who thus mutilate it as they see fit, must be destroyed!
For 19 years I was a publisher in the Alternative Press/Zine Scene wherein I became famous as "a radical soldier for human rights". I am immensely proud of my Aspergian sense of Ethics (to the point of conceited indignance due to the Zine Scene being predominantly criminally insane Anarchists and pathetic animal rights type of victim-wannabes. It eventually became beneath me to continue spoon-feeding morons and beating idiots over the head, as Rachel tried to do above. See (my review of) the Japanese movie The Eye, and then stop casting your pearls before swine!).
As for Rachel's predicament above, I would have went to the press and publicly demanded the classist creep who made the asinine decision be fired, and thet the children be allowed to re-join the program so they may learn how to become contributing members of civilized society, learn the joy of giving as volunteers for community service, learn to care for those less fortunate than themselves, etc; i.e., You will submit to what this Ethically superior Asperger commands you to believe, or I will crucify you in the press! (I have a bit more conceited indignance than Rachel does, but her comment about a book called, "If I Have To Explain Why, Then You Would Not Understand" clearly shows the typical Asperger attitude of superiority.)
Although you cannot change other people, you can give your child a Code of Ethics that many children lack. During our home-schooling years, Ashlynne and I did a great deal of role-playing about making difficult choices, such as being inclusive when others attempted to form a clique [read: insisting on Communistic equal camaraderie while others are attempting to form sub-Democracy lynch-mobs], being honest when it seemed easier to lie, and keeping one's word when tempted to break a promise. She loved coming up with different ways to address Ethical dilemmas, and the lessons have stayed with her.
The "ridiculous sense of Ethics" is a typical Asperger trait. I wrote and published the best zine ever to appear in the Alternative Press, on Ethics pholisophy. And I declare thet the best book I ever read was Peter Kropotkin's Ethics - Origin and Development.
I quit the Zine Scene when 90% of my readers and reviewers became terrified of my Ethics zine, for in it, in my ethical superiority, I proved everything they believed in was a lie, thus provoking them to lash out like wounded animals with personal attacks and malicious lies to try to shut me up. That is when I stopped casting my pearls before swine. My attitude and behavior is typically Aspergian. I would not give up my conceited indignance for a million bucks.
Literal thinking and a passion for truth: This way of thinking can make me very inflexible. For example, when Bob says that he is going to be home at 8 PM, I see the words so clearly in my mind that it is as though what they signify has already happened. When the words do not come true, I feel very confused.
Time and again Bob and I have knocked heads over this issue. He will tell me that he is going to put Plan 1.0 into action, and I will get ready for Plan 1.0. Then Plan 1.0 changes to Plan 1.1 or Plan 1.13, then Plan 1.13 A, or for reasons I cannot even begin to imagine, Plan 5.0! How can you get from Plan 1.13 to Plan 5.0 without going through 2.0 to 4.0 first? I will never understand it.
If the plan changes simply because people decide that they would rather do plan 1.13 than Plan 1.0, I am lost. Utterly lost. Ultimately I throw my hands up in resignation at the desecration of all that is high and Holy, wander in a wilderness bereft of logic, and send this following unanswerable question into the void: Do WORDS have ANY meaning AT ALL anymore?
I am able to laugh at this. For "illiterate morons" who do not respect words just irritate the hell into me.
And as I said in Indigo #4:
An Autistic cannot count from 3 to 5. They can only count from 1 to 5.
If asked to tell you what letter comes after S, they do not think, "Q - R - S - T ... T comes after S." They have to think, "A - B - C - D - E - F - G, etc, to R- S - T ... T comes after S."
It was helpful for me to learn the alphabet backward, so I could think, "Z - Y - X - W - V - U - T - S ... T comes after S." Rather than having to recite the whole damn alphabet forward to get to S.
If the Classic Autistic child knows the route from A to B to C, they will "spook" like a horse if you go straight from A to C.
Is it such a bad thing to expect honesty in others? Is it so wrong to speak the truth? Are these traits evidence of some sort of deficit? I do not believe so. By being honest, and by being outraged by dishonesty, I can do naturally what every religion has tried for centuries to inculcate.
Being too honest for one's own good in a world gone mad is referred to as "Pragmatic Language Disorder". But how can an Asperger's "inappropriate" honesty be a disorder? For if everyone were like us, the world would be paradise.
I had my sensory assessment. My Occupational Therapist used to following tools:
- Interview
- Developmental/Sensory History Questionnaire
- Adolescent/Adult Sensory Profile
- Quick Neurological Screening Test II
- Gravitational Insecurity Screening Tool
- Sub-tests from PEERAMID 2
- Ocular Observations of gross motor, fine motor, and balance skills
The result of the assessment showed I have the following:
- Sensory Processing Disorder
- Sensory Modulation Disorder
- Dyspraxia
- Gravitational Insecurity
Sensory Processing Disorder occurs when the brain's ability to filter and interpret simultaneous sensations is impaired. The brain may fail to filter the stimuli, or it may misinterpret neutral stimuli as threatening.
I definitely have this. CAPD being my worst symptom, I am unable to tune out, or otherwise filter, sound; everything is too loud, my brain listens harder when I am asleep rather than turning off, and the sound in my dreams gets so loud it hurts and wakes me up. 1 of the most irritating things to me is when 2 different sounds are going on at the same time; specifically if a store thet has Muzak playing also has a section wherein they sell stereos. At a certain location in the store I can hear both the Muzak and the Stereos, which causes me painful irritation. The sound of the air-stream generated by hand-driers in public toilets causes me painful anxiety and almost brings me to tears; i.e., my brain misinterprets that sound as threatening - I have an anxiety-attack and want to run from the room. Another sound misinterpreted as threatening is the jingle played at the end of each Ted Talk. It just makes me panic. It is just irritating when video interviews have a person talking while soundtrack music is playing at the same time.
Sensory Modulation Disorder refers to a person's inability to regulate the intensity of their responses to stimuli. A person might over-respond, or under-respond, and/or seek stimuli.
I am unable to prevent myself from having the above reactions, even though I know positively thet air hand-driers are harmless. And seeking stimuli is called Stims; my preferred Stim is to twirl objects - be it a bullet in my pocket, CD cases in my hands, or the metal-detector wand at my Security Guard job - I need to set it on a table, and twirl it in a circle clockwise while I stare at nothing a foot above it, thus it is only in my peripheral vision as it spins. The need for this is caused by the scent of the people I have to wand. If they smell of perfume, cigarettes, or simply have a strong personal scent, it over-stimulates me and makes me need to Stim for a minute or 2 to unwind.
I also wear glasses thet turn very dark in the sun, which is not enough - I still have to wear additional brown anti-glare filters if I go outside. (See my Irlen Lenses page).
As for tactile stimuli, I hate being touched. All people's touch feels too hot for me. And as for sex, all women like it rough, thus I hate them.
I experience the visual world with great intensity, I see colors very vividly. I continually scan my environment, looking at numerous details and attempting to order them into patterns. Because the visual world constantly changes, my ordering process never stops. Unless I consciously focus my attention on a single object, my eyes constantly dart around at all the disparate phenomena in my environment.
This of course eventually becomes overwhelming, thus necessitating an obsessive focus on 1 thing alone - like sorting nuts and bolts - it sometime almost brings me to tears if I cannot sort things while I am stressing out.
For a neuro-typical person, the process of locating and selecting the sounds to which the brain attends is largely unconscious. Therefore, other pathways in the brain are free to perform other functions. On a conscious level, the neuro-typical person takes the auditory information the brain has unconsciously selected, listens to it, makes choices about which sounds have priority, and interprets those sounds accordingly.
This process is almost entirely foreign to me. Nearly all of my processing is conscious. The only unconscious response I give to sound are to defend against it or to become very unnerved by it.
For me, all sounds come in at a very similar volume (and thus seem to have a similar level of importance), and when I attempt to locate sound, I often look in the wrong place.
In Indigo #4 I said:
Being able to recognize which direction sound is comming from is also hard for me; e.g., I was having band practice. We took a break, during which I went into another building to get something. As I carried it back to the rehearsal space I was not able to open the door with my hands full, so I yelled to my band members inside the room to open the door for me. They said they were not there. I yelled again thet I was about to drop it, and for them to open the door. They yelled back thet they were standing behind me. I turned to look, and sure enough, they were standing at about 4:00, 20 feet away. It sounded so obvious to me thet they were just behind the door. I hate that.
I can never tell where the sound of a siren is comming from. It is painfully loud, so I must plug my ears, while I look around in confusion trying to see where the emergency vehicle is.
I also hate it if my cell-phone rings while I am driving, for it surprises me every time because I cannot tell thet the sound is coming from a cell-phone at my waist - for all I know it is coming from outside the car. It is extremely irritating. Then of course it is illegal to answer the phone while driving, so I very unreasonably go into a panic as I try to find a place to pull over. I hate that too. Why must I wind myself up over nothing.
I have simply accepted that for me, auditory overload is the most difficult part of being Autistic.
Light touch makes me very jumpy. I feel as though I am being tickled, which I do not like. I feel very annoyed. I let out the annoyance by flapping my hands or bouncing my legs up and down. I need a firmer touch with more pressure. Though one pressure I cannot tolerate is tight clothing on my skin.
My skin needs a very gentle touch, while I like going to the chiropractor where my bones get wrenched with great pressure. And I cannot sleep with clothes on, I wake up in anxiety, feeling like I am being strangled all over - I usually sleep naked with no blankets at all. If I drink rum my body goes numb enough thet I like to be touched with a firm caress - otherwise, do not touch me. (P.S. Since going on the GF/CF Diet, I no longer drink alcohol, and I can tolerate touch better.)
During my assessment, it became clear that I have deficits in each facet of my vestibular system. Once I became knowledgeable about these deficits, I began to understand why different aspects of Karate had been so difficult for me. When I was studying Karate and my sensei asked me to move with my eyes closed, I either quickly lost my balance or became rooted to the floor. When I was able to move at all, I had no idea where I was in relation to anyone else. It was frightening. Without my visual sense to orient me, I was lost.
This is me exactly. I cannot walk in pitch blackness without losing my balance and wobbling around horribly. Sometimes I even fall. I must have a visual reference-point to determine if I am out of balance. I also do not ride a motorcycle at night, because if I cannot see I am tipping over I do not feel it very well.
Dyspraxia is a deficit in one's ability to plan, sequence, and execute novel motor tasks. I have mild Dyspraxia when performing fine motor tasks, and moderate Dyspraxia when performing gross motor tasks.
To learn to knit, I used the instructions in a beginner's book. I found it difficult to figure out from the drawings how to hold the needles, how to place the yarn on them, and how to do the various stitches. It was hard to translate from the pictures in the book to what was going on in my hands.
I am an extremely audio learner. I cannot learn with pictures unless I have a running commentary about what is being shown. The opposite is also true, in thet I need to read your lips while you are talking (rather than looking you in the eye), for without both the visual and audio reference-points I have a hard time understanding what you are saying. If I watch a video wherein the picture does not sync with the sound exactly, it irritates me so much I have to turn away and try to learn by just listening - but then I am missing half the information; and I hate talking on the phone, because I cannot see the speaker's mouth.
I hated the Corona Fraud, wherein everyone was required to wear a surgical mask. I do not make eye contact, and now I cannot read your lips either, in which case you, and more importantly what you are saying, do not exist.
In most cases, you cannot teach me what to do. I must be left alone to figure it out on my own.
Gravitational Insecurity denotes a condition in which a person cannot determine the position of their head in relation to the Earth. They are afraid to have their feet off the ground or their head tipped back. The evaluation concluded that I have severe gravitational insecurity and that I rely to a very great extent on my vision to orient myself in space. I am particularly averse to any kind of rotational movement.
This is also very much me. I love caves, digging in dirt, sleeping on the ground, etc - partly due to being a Natural Witch, wherein I readily absorb psychic energy from the Earth it's self (the Honey Combs area of Oregon is intensely Psychic. I would walk around naked, my bare feet tingling ecstatically there).
I also am slightly dizzy at all times, thus I am never quite sure exactly where I am. I get really dizzy very easily, even by suddenly turning my head a mere 90 degrees - forget carnival rides.
As a child I used to bury myself in dirt, and hold perfectly still. This must be where the term "grounded" came from - having your feet on the ground, as opposed to head in the clouds. It also explains why tantruming children instinctively stomp their feet. I cannot ride a skateboard, nor pull a wheely on a motorcycle. I must stay firmly on the ground.
I also have this deep-seated ... not belief, but knowledge thet I cannot be physically hurt; i.e., my body can get injured, but I do not feel the pain because it is easy for me to be (and even hard for me to refrain from being) in a slightly different location than my body. And I have completely left my body 3 times while playing drums, and a couple times while simply spacing out. This is called being a First Wave Indigo, or a Natural Witch, or more appropriately, an Asperger with Gravitational Insecurity.
I am very soothed by the aesthetics of objects - how they look, how they feel, and how they sound. Simply holding objects in my hands and deciding where to put them is very grounding.
This is the same as me sorting nuts and bolts - the touch and smell of them soothes me. I also love tearing down and setting up drum sets - typically Aspergian, I am fascinated with parts of things; I also love the smell of drums.
I created a series of sculptures designed specifically to be put in an art gallery for the blind; i.e., they were designed to be touched and explored with your fingers.
Sometimes it feels so easy to be a pleasantly eccentric person who craves solitude. However, there is the flip-side, when I stand apart and my solitude is transformed into loneliness, even in the midst of people who love me. In those moments, getting angry seems much easier than crying. However, as I have begun to discover, letting the tears flow helps me find a way through the obstacles that loom so large in my life.
At the age of 25 I gave up on trying to attain friends, and at 27 I gave up trying to attain any form of girlfriend. At that point I became angry about it - in fact enraged. I remained in a state of anger for another 18 years! But at the age of 45 I finally got over it. Then I moved to Tucson, where I cried and cried and cried, so relieved to finally have the anger out of my system. That is when I started fantasizing about adopting a child, realizing thet a little kid is the only person who will ever let me love them.
Anger is a defense-mechanism; sobbing in despair is reality, and is oh-so cathartic.
I did not weep for either of my grandparents when they died - I do not even remember feeling sad. I tried desperately to locate my feelings, but I could not. At the time I thought that something was wrong with me. I went through the motions of attending the funeral and sitting shiva, but no tears came. While my mother was inconsolable, I felt oddly empty. When a friend at school offered her condolences, I realized that I ought to feel something, but I could not figure out what it could be.
For 30 years I did not cry.
I typed-in my father's name. It did not appear in the list. He was still alive. Then I entered my mother's name. She had died 11 months earlier.
I want to say that I dissolved into tears, and that there was much guilt, regret, and gnashing of teeth. But all I could feel was relief. Pure relief. For the first time in my life, I felt safe.
When my parents die, and even my siblings, I will feel giddy elation, a pure white light will shine from my solar plexus, and my face will lose 10 years of age.
All these times I have said, "Die! I will not notice" were slightly inaccurate. I am sure I will notice, and possibly feel tremendous relief thet the world is now a better place. I wrote about this in Indigo #1:
As a teenager my parents kept trying to force me to be “friends” with other boys my age, all of whom I hated. They were all sociopath infant ass-holes!
My mother kept “fixing me up” with other boys to try to get me to “be friends” with them. Scott (a vicious sadist rapist), Shannon (a sociopath drug-dealer), and Jesse (a promiscuous passive/aggressive obsessed with recreational vandalism).
I had no idea what a friend was, and these people my mother kept trying to make me “be” friends with were truly horrifying human beings. It made my already bewildered Asperger self into an extremely anti-social hermit. I became obsessed with my music because all humans (my evil mother kept choozing for me as friends) were simply insane.
This my utterly brain-dead mother perceived as me being “painfully shy”. What an idiot! Thus she thought I needed her to continue to make friends for me, which I found infuriating!
The fact that she could not see the blatantly obvious evil in these sacks of shit she kept forcing me to associate with produced tremendous mental-anguish in me.
Scott eventually killed 3 people and himself. When I heard that, I laughed out loud and felt giddy.
When my mother dies, I might just squeal with delight. I might also feel utterly dead nothing, like Rachel did at the funeral of her grandparents she actually loved.
I can combine those 2 possibilities and just say, "Die! I will not notice", for at this point I literally could not care less if I feel either.
As I have sought to understand the differences between Autistic and Neuro-typical people, I have learned that NT's communicate non-verbally about 90% of the time. As a result, most people communicate at a frequency I cannot hear. That knowledge makes this Autistic person very nervous. I have always lived with anxiety - I have never been without it. Now I understand why.
As I have said several times before, nothing makes sense to me unless it is in words. Unfortunately the Normals mainly jabber, yack, blither, and yammer the language it's self, and (from my interpretation as a literary genius) never does their use of language have anything to do with what is going on with them. I am thus put into a state of extreme frustration, exasperation, and outright anger because as far as I can tell they are not saying anything. It is literally painful to me when they "interact" without actually communicating (my way).
The root of the problem is that I do not carry anyone with me in my mind. I do not think about seeing a friend the next day and telling her of the knitting I am doing. I do not look forward to what I will do, what I will say, or what kind of experience I will have [with that person]. In my mind's eye, I do not see myself sharing anything with anyone. I feel very cut off from the world.
I had planned to go to the office, get my schedule, check it against the board, get the log-book, pick up my check, go cash it, go eat dinner. Typically, nowhere in that scenario did I picture there being any other person involved. So when people interrupt the stream of thought in my head, it exasperates me.
As I have thought about why so many of my attempts to find community have not worked, I have come to see that I have made many of the same mistakes over and over. I now make a concerted effort to avoid the following errors:
- Confusing competence with intelligence.
- Ignoring my instincts and previous experience.
- Trying (obsessively) to do everything right.
- Idealizing a group and jumping in with both feet.
This was the main point I made in those previous zines about Kristen, and giving up on the music business:
Back in New Leaf #1, I talked about my recognition of the main mistake I made in the music business. It was thet I would find a genius musician, and be so impressed with them as an artist thet I would overlook the fact they were a sack of shit of a human being. I confused their competence with intelligence, thus allowing myself to get emotionally invested in the Utopian Vision thet I had at last found my community (of genius musicians). Unfortunately I was thus forced to lower my standards to avoid disappointment (and maintain the fantasy), which made me end up feeling tremendous resentment toward them. Eventually I was in an absolute rage, because I wanted a music career so much, but I just hated the people I could not play without.
The pain of desperate loneliness amid people I could not connect with (nor wanted to, for they were all brain-dead compared to me), combined with the real fear of the band breaking up and leaving me (to admit it was all just a Utopian Vision/fantasy of an innocent idealist/deluded fool) could only be compensated for with rage. Thus I burned out on the music business.
Ignoring my instincts and previous experience is something I do not know how to stop. For my desperation for some form of contact makes it necessary to approach each new situation/person with a clean slate - to give them a chance to prove themselves. It is unfair of me to project my bitterness, cynicism, and resentment onto new people; though my instincts are usually correct - they always end up being a bunch of maggots (they are always cackling mad-men/headless chickens, and I am thus always left as a deer in headlights).
Me trying to do everything right is what makes me end up resenting them so much. I developed Obsessive Personality Disorder in my attempt to "make it work this time", every time, until I was in such a state of rage thet I decided to kill myself to escape the anger I could no longer bear.
Idealizing a group and jumping in with both feet: When I was traveling to Tucson (81-day motorcycle trip), I was fantasizing the whole way about writer's groups, and my belief thet all Asperger support groups would of course be writer's clubs. It is always so shockingly disappointing when I get slapped in the face with the reality thet it was all another Utopian Vision.
If everyone on Earth but me died today, I would be cured. There is no other way for me to keep from dropping dead in despair - other than to compulsively adhere to Rachel's list (read: flogging 4 dead horses at once).
Like many Autistic people, I have been very lonely. As I have puzzled out the ways that Autism has affected my life, I have come to realize that nearly everything I have ever done has been for the sake of meeting people, impressing them, finding a group, and making friends. I have trotted out skills, ideas, knowledge, time, and energy in the vain hope that someone would accept me as I am, and invite me in from the cold.
I have finally stopped operating that way. It has never brought me anything I have wanted, and it has drained my energy for many years. Instead I have begun to apply my considerable tenacity to the task of discovering what I might enjoy for its own sake.
Good for you, Rachel. This is what I referred to above as, "Stop casting your pearls before swine."
The Normals are hopeless. Give up.
As Rachel said: I have begun to apply my considerable tenacity to the task of discovering what I might enjoy for its own sake.
In my case this is motorcycle adventure riding (alone), playing drums (alone), and writing writing writing (alone).
Fuck the Normals.
So the point is thet Rachel says she spent most of her life desperately trying not to be herself. I am the opposite.
Perhaps this is my maleness or my Ariesness, but I have always felt an aversion to being like the Normals - even as a small child, I had no desire to be like anyone. I always felt annoyed by the inferiors, and as an adult I felt a condescending contempt toward them.
Until I began to grieve the loss of those dreams, I could not see what was right in front of me. I could not see that in writing about my experience I was having a profound impact on the lives of other people. When people who read my blog sent me E-Mails saying, "For the first time in my life, I know I am not alone", I was finally able to take it in. I was finally able to see that real flesh-and-blood people have the same fear, the same grief, the same longings I do. See Syrmore's YouTube channel.
Almost accidentally I have found a way to be of use. And for that I am profoundly grateful.
1 of the few accurate reviews I ever got was about Indigo #1: It is like all of Shannon’s personal zines combined, but presented as a case-study for the purpose of educating people about this disorder that affects 1 out of every 300 people.
This 1 reviewer recognized thet I write this because I want to help people understand.
After I wrote issue 1, I felt the need to explain myself, for when I go back and re-read it now, it feels masturbatory to me. Whereas what I intended was to help the Normals see how their Aspie child will turn out of they do not educate themselves and get the kid help. If the parent is not able to give the appropriate help, they must get help from others, even from me.
1 of the most pathetic forms of "parenting" I have ever seen is when a person says they do not want to get a diagnosis for their Special child, because they do not want the child to be "stigmatized". This is so utterly stupid. The "stigma" of a diagnosis is the only way to get the child some help! You moron! They would rather stay in denial until the kid ends up like me - seething with bitterness over being neglected and abused by Normals who never gave a damn about my diagnosis.
After I gave up on the useless Adult Asperger Association in Tucson, I joined another group called Parents Autism Support Service. It consisted entirely of parents who had small Autistic kids in public school. I was so excited to contribute because I could tell them what it is like to be an Autistic child in public school, their child cannot. I was so proud to have something to teach. But it only lasted 2 meetings because (I am guessing here) it was more of a social group for Autism moms who just wanted a place to go and commiserate, rather than get educated and help their kids. Perhaps that sort of group is needed, but the fact they did not go to TAFA (the official state-run Autism Center in Tucson) or any other educational meetings gave me the impression I was flogging a dead horse with these morons. They would also occasionally interject little jabs at me, such as "Asperger, with the accent on the Ass" throughout the meetings, thus driving me out so they can return to their typical female commiseration CS. (CS, cow shit, as opposed to BS, bull-shit). Stupid cunts. Is there any Normal female who does not have Munchausen Syndrome?
So anyway, I am very proud of you Rachel, and very pleased thet someone out there actually wants to hear what you have to say - while you get to feel proud of yourself for being a teacher.
I spent about a 4-year period in tears of alternating rage and despair, due to the fact no one would listen to me, when I just so desperately wanted to help. That is when I decided to kill myself (in 2006). See my review of the movie The Eye.
This is why I ended up writing book-reviews, no one is going to hear me anyway, maybe they will hear you if I recommend your book to them.
I did not start the blog as a comming-out project, but it soon became one. For the blog to make any sense at all, I had to accurately describe all of my feelings and experiences. I could not limit myself to the ones I thought would be acceptable.
My 5 issues of Indigo I like to think of as warts-and-all presentations of what it is really like to have Aspergers Syndrome.
Typically Aspergian, Rachel also gives us the facts, warts and all, which I respect.
Then she admits it: Can't I go back to considering myself Neuro-typical and Neurotic, instead of Autistic and Eccentric? It is not too late to get the toothpaste back into the tube, is it?
Coming out has allowed me to get on with the task of being who I am.
Rachel talks about her bad sense of direction, especially when inside a building, which is also a very bad symptom of mine. It is all I can do to keep from yelling in anger at someone if they try to give me directions from inside a building. They must either show me a map, or take me outside, facing the correct direction while telling me the route to take.
I am so good at adventure riding with paper maps right in front of me. Because I am outside, I sense in a very natural way which direction is which. But as soon as I am inside a building, I get lost completely.
My understanding of speech is visual, not auditory.
I am very auditory, but my hearing is not accurate, thus I watch teeth rather than make eye-contact when people talk, giving me the visual reference point to what I am hearing you say (2 senses are better than 1).
It begins with word-pictures, not with sound. My natural way of interacting with the world is to start with spelled out words that form in my head. Perhaps it is for this reason that I do not remember learning to read. At some point, I must have intuitively figured out the relationship between the spoken and printed word, and from there I understood what reading was all about.
I too taught myself how to read.
The belief that I am very smart has driven all my hopes and all my dreams for my entire life. It is what fueled whatever self-esteem I have built. It has been the bedrock of my self-worth. It has kept me going when I did not think I had anything left.
All Aspergers recognize their intellectual superiority, thus the despair induced by interacting with the infantile and the braindead-I-mean-the Normals is overcome with the counter-balance of self-righteousness. It is what leads so many Aspies to conclude they are Indigos. We are in fact smarter than the Normals, thus the individuality (both as very unique characters, and as profoundly alone Autistics) can make us feel special and aloof rather than outcast.
To put it bluntly, I am offended by the whole idea that one can or should "recover" from Autism. I am offended by the implication that being Autistic is a negative condition. After all, one speaks of recovering from cancer, flu, or a traumatic childhood. One can even be in perpetual process of recovery from drug addiction or alcoholism. To most people, each of these conditions is a very bad thing.
The word "recovery" assumes that something bad is happening - that something has been taken away that must be recovered. But what does Autism take away, exactly?
I can make lists upon lists of all the things I cannot do. But how can I be robbed of something I never had in the first place? I do not feel robbed by being Autistic any more than someone who cannot carry a tune feels robbed of becoming an opera singer. Why should Autistic people dream of making proper social conversation? I am normal for me, just like everyone else.
The scare-tactics of organizations like Autism Speaks, the ways in which scientific researchers have appropriated our voices, the fact that we are the subjects of medical and psychological "research" to find "treatments" and even a "cure", the propensity of so many people to define only one way of thinking and believing as "normal" - all of these factors mean that the struggle for respect and empowerment will be a long and difficult one.
Several times I have used the term "The Autism Fad" to refer to people who simply want to use us as guinea-pigs to leech money out of; "Professionals" trying to raise money for "research" on Autism, when (as with the Cancer scam and the AIDS scam) the causes and cures are already known (I use the word "cures" here as a broad-sweeping generalization, but you get my point).
The distinction Rachel fails to make is thet, as seen in my scale denoting: Nerd, Asperger, PDD-NOS, and Classic Autism, "Autism" it's self is a broad-sweeping generalization.
As an Asperger, I do not want to be entirely cured, but I am still doing everything I can to at least get my symptoms under control so I am no longer incapacitated. And in the case of severe Classic Autism, as with the kids mentioned in the books I reviewed (Accept No Autism, Beyond the Silence, and The Boy Who Loved Windows), "extensive recovery efforts" were absolutely necessary to help these kids become anything more than the drooling Retards or perpetually shrieking rage-attack monsters they would have otherwise been their whole lives long. Taking a severely Autistic child and recovering her to the state of a mild Asperger sounds like a good idea to me. But like Hans Asperger said: "For success in science or art, a dash of Autism is essential."
I spent the afternoon with an Autistic friend. When I got home, I thought about what a nice time I had had, just like a regular person!
How did this happen? It came from the realization that my friend thinks as I do - associatively and intuitively, rather than linearly and analytically. It is not that we cannot get all linear and analytical; we can and we do. But before we get there, we are free-associating and intuiting connections all over the place, and it is great fun.
My ability to engage the world associatively, visually, intuitively is a great gift. My passion for balance, and for Justice is a great gift. My ability to enjoy my solitude is a great gift. My ability to create things of beauty is a great gift. The intensity with which I feel things, hear things, and see things is a great gift.
Of course having a great gift does not necessarily make life fun. In fact having a gift and not knowing how to use it can make the world a cold and lonely place. Many of us wander in the wilderness for most of our lives. It is not fun - but having fun is not the same as knowing joy. Who is this person who thinks associatively, rambles on, and knows that far from something being wrong with her, something is very right with her.
When I was 27, Ursela said I never allowed myself any fun. What she meant by "fun" was the sociopathic Anarchist rebellion of recreational vandalism.
Unlike her (an abusive masochist), I had joy instead. I felt much joy in being an obsessive workaholic, fixated on my Asperger subjects, running my mind associatively, while being more creative than God.
Though I was 36 before it dawned on me thet I do not in fact know how to play nor have fun, I still felt joy - particularly on motorcycle adventure rides - in fact they were heaven to me. For on those rides I was totally alone with myself, and thus 100% Aspergian, which was truly joyous. Like Rachel, I never want to be completely cured.
Throughout this book, Rachel interjects commas where they do not belong, and uses periods when she should use a dash or semicolon. She also annoyingly conjoins words constantly, when she should spell them out for clarity. Otherwise, as you can see above, I love this book, and identify very strongly with 90% of her points of view and symptoms.
I would like to see her write a book about an Asperger raising a Normal kid. I think she would do that very well; she ends the book by telling of how she wanted to appologize to her own child for how difficult it must have been for the child to grow up with a mom who was Autistic but did not know it. The kid instead tells her thet she was an excellent mother, because of the Autistic aspects (as mentioned above, she and her child would take turns inventing scenarios with which to discuss the subject of Ethics, etc.).
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Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight
What to do if you are a sensory defensive in an overstimulating world
by Sharon Heller PhD
As stress activates the attachment system and as these unstable children depend on something external to steady them, they will look to the attachment figure for protection, even if severely defensive or severely abused (by that figure). They cope by staying close enough for protection but far enough away to avoid intimacy. Lost in a sea of chaos, they experience life as an ongoing, often fruitless quest for an external anchor.
Her sensory defensiveness began in the womb, either created or exacerbated by her mother's erratic physiology. All her life she recoiled from her mother's nervous screaming and could not tolerate to be near her, repelled by the touch of her body. Love begins with sensory compatibility.
We even entrain unconsciously to the electrical current in our environment. In the USA and Canada, electricity operates on an alternating current of 60 cycles per second. The resonant frequency of 60 cycles electric current relates to the B Natural tone on a musical scale. In Europe the alternating electrical current is 50 cycles per second, which relates musically to G Sharp. During meditation, music professor R Murray Schafer asked American and German students to spontaneously sing whatever tone came naturally. For Americans B Natural was the most frequent tone hummed. For German students it was G Sharp. In other words, whether we consciously hear the humming of the fan, the computer, or the refrigerator, electrical current permeates our cells, causing us to entrain to it.
The Berard method (of Auditory Integration Training), which uses all types of music, distorts sound frequencies and modulates them at random intervals from random periods of time. AIT gained worldwide fame in 1990 with the publication of Annabel Stehli's biography (Sound of a Miracle - [reviewed above]) of her severely Autistic daughter, who shed most, if not all, of her Autistic behaviors after a course of 20 AIT treatments in Berard's clinic.
Others experimenting with color filters have found equally impressive results. When Dyslexic children read through blue plastic filters, they read better. Apparently when enough of the red is removed, Dyslexics' eyes work normally. (See the book Reading By The Colors, reviewed above).
This whole book is full of interesting things like this.
Below is a snippet off the Internet about colored filters:
Dyslexia overlays and colored filters are one of the ways that visual reading problems such as Dyslexia are treated. In particular blue or yellow colored filters.
▪ Yellow Filters: These are useful because the magnocellular system is actually favored by yellow light. The reason for this is that yellow filters give a higher contrast because the magnocells receive from two kinds of cones, so-called red and green cones, that together are best stimulated by yellow light. So if you give them yellow filters you are stimulating the magnocells preferentially. That gives the magnocells a boost and in the case of ones that are slightly impaired in poor readers this will help them to learn to read. Sometimes applying these yellow filters has a really dramatic effect, whereby a child who has been complaining that the words and letters have been moving around or are blurred can find things much clearer with yellow filters. On average, children who benefit from yellow filters will improve their reading by six months in a three month time period, therefore doubling their reading progress. This should be considered in the context that if such children are given no help to their vision then they tend to go backwards (in three months they might only progress one month). Therefore Dyslexia overlays can have a significant impact.
▪ Blue Filters: These overlays are currently being worked on but it is believed that these work in a different way because the blue filters stimulate a kind of cell in the retina that is important for controlling your daily rhythms. Deep in the brain there is a structure called the hypothalamus which has a clock in it. This is a genetic biochemical clock that needs to be synchronized to changing day-length. So there is a set of ganglion cells in the retina - cells that are sensitive to blue light, that then communicate, not with the conscious vision at all, but with the hypothalamus to synchronize the hypothalamic clock to existing day-length. That input is very sensitive to blue. Therefore, when blue filters are given, these help children to synchronize their hypothalamic clock. This relates to magnocells as what happens is that during the day the magnocells are facilitated (their activity is enhanced) and at night they are damped down. Therefore if you enhance the clock you will enhance the magnocells during the day but you will damp them down at night. In addition to helping reading, the blue glasses, particularly if worn in the morning, will actually help sleeping. The children who benefit from blue often have problems with sleeping. Blue spectacles will improve sleeping patterns and they will be able to sleep at the right time and wake up at the right time. There is another benefit in that these same children often get migraineous headaches or stomach aches (actual abdominal migraines). You give them the blue glasses and these are relieved as well because they all depend upon this hypothalamic clock.
Ozzy Ozbourne is Dyslexic, that is why he wears his famous blue Irlen lenses. All Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders, thus colored lenses may help relieve their visual over-stimulation. See my Irlen Lenses page wherein I explain my experience with these miraculous lenses.
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What to do if you are a sensory defensive in an overstimulating world
by Sharon Heller PhD
As stress activates the attachment system and as these unstable children depend on something external to steady them, they will look to the attachment figure for protection, even if severely defensive or severely abused (by that figure). They cope by staying close enough for protection but far enough away to avoid intimacy. Lost in a sea of chaos, they experience life as an ongoing, often fruitless quest for an external anchor.
Her sensory defensiveness began in the womb, either created or exacerbated by her mother's erratic physiology. All her life she recoiled from her mother's nervous screaming and could not tolerate to be near her, repelled by the touch of her body. Love begins with sensory compatibility.
We even entrain unconsciously to the electrical current in our environment. In the USA and Canada, electricity operates on an alternating current of 60 cycles per second. The resonant frequency of 60 cycles electric current relates to the B Natural tone on a musical scale. In Europe the alternating electrical current is 50 cycles per second, which relates musically to G Sharp. During meditation, music professor R Murray Schafer asked American and German students to spontaneously sing whatever tone came naturally. For Americans B Natural was the most frequent tone hummed. For German students it was G Sharp. In other words, whether we consciously hear the humming of the fan, the computer, or the refrigerator, electrical current permeates our cells, causing us to entrain to it.
The Berard method (of Auditory Integration Training), which uses all types of music, distorts sound frequencies and modulates them at random intervals from random periods of time. AIT gained worldwide fame in 1990 with the publication of Annabel Stehli's biography (Sound of a Miracle - [reviewed above]) of her severely Autistic daughter, who shed most, if not all, of her Autistic behaviors after a course of 20 AIT treatments in Berard's clinic.
Others experimenting with color filters have found equally impressive results. When Dyslexic children read through blue plastic filters, they read better. Apparently when enough of the red is removed, Dyslexics' eyes work normally. (See the book Reading By The Colors, reviewed above).
This whole book is full of interesting things like this.
Below is a snippet off the Internet about colored filters:
Dyslexia overlays and colored filters are one of the ways that visual reading problems such as Dyslexia are treated. In particular blue or yellow colored filters.
▪ Yellow Filters: These are useful because the magnocellular system is actually favored by yellow light. The reason for this is that yellow filters give a higher contrast because the magnocells receive from two kinds of cones, so-called red and green cones, that together are best stimulated by yellow light. So if you give them yellow filters you are stimulating the magnocells preferentially. That gives the magnocells a boost and in the case of ones that are slightly impaired in poor readers this will help them to learn to read. Sometimes applying these yellow filters has a really dramatic effect, whereby a child who has been complaining that the words and letters have been moving around or are blurred can find things much clearer with yellow filters. On average, children who benefit from yellow filters will improve their reading by six months in a three month time period, therefore doubling their reading progress. This should be considered in the context that if such children are given no help to their vision then they tend to go backwards (in three months they might only progress one month). Therefore Dyslexia overlays can have a significant impact.
▪ Blue Filters: These overlays are currently being worked on but it is believed that these work in a different way because the blue filters stimulate a kind of cell in the retina that is important for controlling your daily rhythms. Deep in the brain there is a structure called the hypothalamus which has a clock in it. This is a genetic biochemical clock that needs to be synchronized to changing day-length. So there is a set of ganglion cells in the retina - cells that are sensitive to blue light, that then communicate, not with the conscious vision at all, but with the hypothalamus to synchronize the hypothalamic clock to existing day-length. That input is very sensitive to blue. Therefore, when blue filters are given, these help children to synchronize their hypothalamic clock. This relates to magnocells as what happens is that during the day the magnocells are facilitated (their activity is enhanced) and at night they are damped down. Therefore if you enhance the clock you will enhance the magnocells during the day but you will damp them down at night. In addition to helping reading, the blue glasses, particularly if worn in the morning, will actually help sleeping. The children who benefit from blue often have problems with sleeping. Blue spectacles will improve sleeping patterns and they will be able to sleep at the right time and wake up at the right time. There is another benefit in that these same children often get migraineous headaches or stomach aches (actual abdominal migraines). You give them the blue glasses and these are relieved as well because they all depend upon this hypothalamic clock.
Ozzy Ozbourne is Dyslexic, that is why he wears his famous blue Irlen lenses. All Autistics have Sensory Processing Disorders, thus colored lenses may help relieve their visual over-stimulation. See my Irlen Lenses page wherein I explain my experience with these miraculous lenses.
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Women From Another Planet?
Our lives in the universe of Autism
by Jean Kearns Miller
The first part of this book consists of the editor presenting a topic of discussion, followed by the responses she received via E-Mail from assorted women (only), all of whom have Asperger's Syndrome. This makes for an interesting collection of points of view (presented like a chat-room) from people who are actually qualified to speak on the subject.
We may have more in common with Neurotypical men than we do with women, for it is women who are more often the social gate-keepers who scrutinize our manners, care more for them than for our minds, and want to keep us out of the club.
We may look female, but we are not feminine in so far as femininity is a social construct (or social delusion) and not an innate property of the female sex. Consider how much femininity is about taking a precise reading of all the social currents of a given moment and aligning one's self to serve the stability of the moment and the well-being of all those who inhabit it, whether this means sniffing out the exact social dress-code that precisely fits this moment in history, the sub-culture, and the occasion, or reading all the social cues in a group and occupying the niche most guaranteed to soothe, nurture, and harmonize all who are in it. [That was a classic Asperger sentance - 6 commas.] This is not the role our [Asperger] wiring has created for us.
What it boils down to is this: We are not from another planet. We tricked you. We made you look. We are an integral part of this Earth's ecosystem, its intricate inter-dependent network of niches and potentialities. What we are is the first new wave of consciousness in a planet coming to awareness of its extraordinary diversity. We are the first wave of a new liberation movement, and a big one. We are part of a groundswell of Neurological Liberation. It is my hope that this book will begin the task of adding a further intersection to the current framework of gender, class, ethnicity, race, sexual orientation, age, and disability.
Referring to Aspergers in general as a first new wave of consciousness in a planet coming to awareness is a typical attitude in Aspies, and is part of the reason I believe First Wave Indigos are simply undiagnosed Aspergers.
This whole book is written (by numerous contributors) in a very self-confident way; like most Aspergers, they think they are always correct, and if you disagree it is because you are stupid. This dismissive us-and-them attitude is classic Aspergers, and I like it; The Normals ... Pfff.
I tend to see Autism as a significant information processing problem or difference. Information comes in but the processing varies remarkably from the way Normal people process it, and the resulting behaviors may differ as well, whether the information is:
Sensory: Extreme sensitivity or hyposensitivity to stimuli; sensory overload; the use of Stims to get relief from sensory bombardment.
Social: Asocial; inability to perceive others' intentions; difficulty determining the rules of give-and-take interaction; inability to assume or recognize social roles; strong preference for inner world; gullible and tending to accept anything at face value; lacking common prejudice; poor eye-contact; little or no reciprocity.
Cognitive: Faulty inference-making; strong pattern-recognition; visual memory [not neccesarily; in my case I have difficulty remembering what I see, and I learn in words]; literal thinking [e.g., difficulty recognizing sarcasm]; extreme difficulty multi-tasking; master at special interest but may have trouble with other simple information; well-read with a large vocabulary but does not grasp [abstract] concepts well.
Kinesthetic: Inability to draw common inferences from body posture, facial expression, or body language; unusual physical mannerisms and expressions.
Emotional: Incongruity between affect and felt emotion; difficulty with modulation; lags in emotional development; thinking before feeling [I am a genius, and the Normals are hysterical headless chickens].
Executive: Difficulty prioritizing and sequencing tasks, and estimating time and resources; reliance on fixed routines; able to approach problems intellectually that are considered emotion-laden by the culture.
Sensorimotor: Motor co-ordination problems; difficulty judging distance; unusual gait and posture; limited body awareness.
Adding to the confusion are the markers used to distinguish [between the different sub-sections of] Autism that raise more questions than answers. Recipients of an Asperger diagnosis are quite clumsy. Those who receive an [Classic] Autism diagnosis are not. Also, [Classic] Autistics have a significant delay in language acquisition, and Aspergers do not.
Prosopagnosia is the inability to read faces in an integrated way, and therefor an inability to recognize people. Many Autistics (be they Aspergers, PDD-NOS, or Classic Autistics) have this. It is a problem with the Fusiform Gyrus - the part of the brain thet recognizes faces.
I have an actual brain-injury (unrelated to Aspergers) thet makes me have a very bad visual memory, or at least a delay in the emotional response I should get from visual stimuli.
Some people with this specific injury develop what is called "The Capra Delusion", wherein they believe their loved ones are exact copies but not the real person, because, though they recognize the face, they do not feel any emotional response to it. These people would be excellent at Crime Scene Clean-up and the like, for though they are intellectually aware of the visual horror, they do not necessarily feel anything about it.
I have this injury, making me horrible at remembering what I see; and probably, like most Autistics, I also had at least a mild case of Prosopagnosia before the injury.
Though I am very good at recognizing thet someone has a strange look on their face (in fact I am superior to the Normals at this), as an Asperger I do not know how to interpret why they have that expression. I think it would be less confusing to me if I had a raging case of Prosopagnosia so I would not recognize anything facial at all (see my review of the movie Faces In the Crowd).
The Normals listen with their eyes, not their ears. I am the opposite, thus unable to understand what the hell is going on.
In the movie Temple Grandin, the only friend she made was a blind girl who, like Temple, took everyone at their word and did not like to be touched. They got along great!
There are a number of reasons why Women From Another Planet needed to be written. 3 major ones are: The under-diagnosis of AS in women; the socio-cultural expectations of society borne by all women, and what that means to women with social deficits; and the need to discover and present personal knowledge of how women manifest and experience being an Asperger.
I am appreciative of Jean's criticism of the DSM-IV (which Tony Attwood ripped to shreds in his book The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome - see my review). Jean says: The DSM-IV criteria have portrayed people with AS in the form of Little Professors utterly absorbed in recounting factual information in a monotone, yet this manifestation of AS is not always present in boys, and even rarer in girls. Clinicians who default to this profile engendered by their own diagnostic narrowness may have a blind spot that keeps them from seeing the whole Autistic Spectrum. At the same time, Little Professor girls may be seen as merely social anomalies, and their perceived socio-sexual deviance may obscure their neurological difference.
Tony Attwood said Asprger boys present as Little Professors, while Asperger girls present as Little Philosophers.
Even those of us who have been to college often have not been there for the same reasons as the Normals. They go to college for many reasons: networking, socializing, getting a good job afterward, moving on with their lives. The actual learning is maybe 10% of the deal, and the degree may be another 20%. I went to study film as an expression of my inner creative needs, in my desire to extend my various obsessions. Afterward people said, "Why aren't you working in the film industry?" Well, 99% of all jobs in the industry are only open to a select group of people, and as an Aspie there is no way I could get into that group.
She knew that before she went to college, but did it anyway because film was her Fixated Subject. Typically Aspergian: "I do not care if it will get me a job or not, I am doing it because it is what I want to do." Tony Attwood referred to this as "Sinatra Syndrome" - I did it my way. Welcome to Asperger's Syndrome. Now get out of my way.
Hans Asperger in his original paper described the syndrome as "Severe and characteristic difficulties of social integration which may be so profound that they over-shadow everything else, or compensate by a high level of original thought and experience [; i.e., dependent on their own thoughts and experience, rather than assimilating or incorporating what they could learn from others.] Social adaptation has to proceed via the intellect, due to the inability to pick up all those things that other children acquire naturally in their unconscious imitation of adults. As a consequence, in a peculiar mixture of naivete and sophistication, they are full of surprising contradiction which make social adaptation extremely hard to achieve."
Focal knowledge is what you are doing as you learn to ride a bike - you have to focus. Tacit knowledge is what you use when riding a bike for the 100th time. It is knowledge that is there, but not something you have to focus intently on. I think of my AS as simply an information processing disorder. We have poor access to Tacit knowledge so everything has to be Focal, hence the fatigue.
Yes. If I do not frequently practice shooting or drumming, I lose my chops very fast. If I go too long without practice, it is like I have to re-learn it all over again every time. This makes me angry and very frustrated. "This gun does not fit my hand! Aaargh!" I have to shoot 20 bullets before my hand starts to remember what the grip is supposed to feel like; i.e., my muscle-memory is horrible.
At my Fibercare job (steam-cleaning carpets in hotels) we did the same thing every day for 90 days. Even so, I would sometimes forget what I had already done 100 times, and just get lost. This was due to the amount of multi-tasking necessary to do that job. There were too many steps in the sequence. I just could not keep track of all the details, even though I had done them all 100 times. I would get so stressed out over that, thet all my senses would amplify and I would become overwhelmed. Every day after work I would go to bed and just die for the night, my mind was so exhausted.
Einstein wrote about why he was the one to develop the Theory of Relativity: "Because my development was retarded, as an adult I would ask questions only children ask, while I was intellectually able to go deeper into the problem than a child could."
Many of us have that interesting mix of child-like-ness and intellectual maturity. Naively trusting in whatever we are told, while smarter than most people.
Some of us not only have our 5 senses on high, but also our 6th sense - that we do not draw a line between inanimate and animate beings, that they all have soul to us. This results in them concluding they must be First Wave Indigos.
As a child, everything was somewhat alive to me. Perhaps the face-processing ability that Normals have enables them to distinguish what is alive from what is not. And since most Autistics have some level of Prosopagnosia, they group everything together, resulting in the AS symptom of "Inability to distinguish the relative difference in value between things." This led me personally to develop my cultural belief of Communist Theory (wherein all people are equal comrades with no class distinction) on my own at the age of 10, and my spiritual belief in Witchcraft (wherein God resides equally in all living things as a spiritual presence).
Also, this gives us the ability to emotionally attach to inanimate objects as if they were people. Aspies can attain much satisfaction through loving a waifu as oppsed to an actual lover, or emotionally attach to a cartoon character or a doll.
Theory of Mind (the ability to conceptualize other people's thoughts and mental states) is viewed by most professionals as the basic defect in Autism. However, many of us on The Spectrum disagree.
Though many Aspergers have slower or different Theory of Mind, it may be secondary to other factors. Moreover, it seems that Normals have more difficulty reading our minds than we do reading theirs!; i.e., though the AS deficiencies in Theory of Mind may be disabling in social situations, it may be better for complex problem-solving. The classic Asperger symptom of having the ability to "just know" how things work, combined with the social frustration thet we cannot explain how we know it.
Many on The Spectrum study and deduce social meaning by reading books and by careful observation of people. Hans Asperger notes: "Just as these children observe themselves to a high degree, so they also often have surprisingly accurate and mature observations about people in their environment. Such insight, however, does not necessarily impart the ability to act socially, which is more complex." As I said above, I am superior to the Normals at recognizing facial expressions and thus what the person is feeling, but have difficulty understanding why someone would feel that way.
Difficulty answering questions is another common experience of ours, and may arise for many reasons, such as comprehension or expression difficulties, concern for precise accuracy, branched (or relative) thinking, or debating which perspective to answer from (the questioner or our own). And do they want a general answer or a specific answer?
I am overwhelmed by the number of possible answers the questioner may want. No question is ever worded specifically enough for me to come up with a particular answer.
Please ask intelligent questions. As a Little Professor I would love to give you a detailed lecture-I-mean-answer. But ask it as specifically as possible, in English! Then shut up and wait for me to finish my answer!
E-mail is a wonderful way to communicate! Neurotypicals (NTs) complain that there is so much missing, like facial expression, body language, tone of voice, etc. Thus their irritating compulsion to interject mind-boggling amounts of emoticons. This is exactly why I enjoy E-mail. All those Neurotypical things confuse the heck out of me.
Angelica has a Honduras accent. In person I can understand her okay because I can watch her mouth as she talks, thus lip-read; i.e., I combine both sight and sound to decipher what she is saying, thus I understand. I barely notice her accent. But if she talks to me on the phone, I cannot understand her at all. Her accent becomes so strong thet I have to ask her to repeat herself several times before I understand it.
Among ourselves we can communicate well "live" too. Not bound by NT social protocol, we tend to talk very directly, relying on words (rather than non-verbal cues), and content (rather than personality), with a distinctive rhythm whereby we tend to say the whole of what we want to convey as a unit, then wait for the other's response. Rather than small-talk, we have either meaningful conversation or comfortable silence.
It can be a sobering experience for a NT to attend an event where AS style prevails. Here, it might be the NT who seems odd or rude, with their characteristic interruptions, trivial remarks, constant changes of topic, bizarre habbit of staring into the eyes, excessive face and body movements, and tedious NT difficulty appreciating and coping with silence and solitude. It might be the NT who appears to suffer a triad of impairments.
I hate how the Normals become so uncomfortable when a lull in conversation comes along. They panic when we have said all there is to say on a specific subject. Rather than feeling a calming pause in conversation, they feel an "uncomfortable silence", have an anxiety-attack and run away in fear of the apparent "intimacy" thet might come next.
This proves so blatantly thet the only reason the Normal was talking in the first place was to stiff-arm intimacy and keep people at a "safe distance". I was so startlingly intimate in my Pragmatic Language Disorder (honesty to a fault) style of conversing, thet their inherent fear of intimacy, combined with their cliche NT Paranoid Schizophrenia, makes them project their un-admitted homosexuality onto me, thus they assume (in terror!) thet I am a fag hitting on them because I did not run away in panic the instant the conversation came to an end. I was enjoying the fact our conversation about that specific subject had come to a close. I was silently enjoying the satisfied feeling of closure. While I am standing there settling from the stress of having to talk to a Normal, I am waiting for another subject to come forth so we can continue this (up until now) good conversation. But the Normals always freak-out.
When I was 21, I went to lunch at a restaurant with my bassist and his 3 friends, none of whom had I met before. They expected us all to sit at 1 booth together. But it was just too much for me. My extreme anxiety made me sit in the booth across the isle from them. Even so, I almost went blind in tunnel-vision from the overwhelming amount of visual information I was being hit with by having to watch 4 other people at once - forget trying to keep track of a conversation between them in this noisy fast-food joint. I hated them. They were all signalling each other in numerous "foreign languages", none of which made any sense to me.
30 years later I am tremendously better at engaging Normals in group conversations, but I am still at least annoyed by it. And today when I go to a restaurant, I always sit in a booth, rather than at a table, because the tall booth seats block out the surrounding people, thus I can eat (and talk to myself) relatively alone.
I heard the theory that an emotion does not exist unless it is expressed.
It came about because I said, "Of course I care about Q. Very much." X said, "I would not have known. You do not really hug her, kiss her, that sort of thing." I said, "Yes, but I do care. Even if it is not expressed, and Q knows me well enough to understand that is just my way. She knows I care." That is when X said, "Ya, but that is not enough. If it is not expressed, it does not exist to the other person."
I thought about this for years, thinking I was terrible, that I had no feelings simply because so few were expressed so people could see them. Then this happened: My friend greets her parents with a hug and a kiss every time she sees them. She said to me, "I am not very close to my parents. Are you?" I said, "Yes, I feel like we are very close." She said, "Isn't that strange to you? You consider yourself so close to your parents yet you never kiss or hug them, and I feel distant from mine, yet I always hug and kiss them." Now this conversation seemed to contradict what X had told me earlier, and I ended up more confused than ever!
I long ago gave up on interacting with people face-to-face. Thus I got obsessively involved in the Zine Scene (Independent Press) so I could interact with people strictly through written word. I ended up becoming (strictly through letters) very close to Kristen. We were pen-pals for 9 years. But being a Pisces, she was excruciatingly high-maintenance; i.e., I would write her a 6 page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 4-page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 2-page letter, wait 6 months, then give up. A few months later she would write me an amazingly-intimate letter saying she loved me. By then I had almost forgotten her, so I got out my files in which I keep copies of every letter I write, and re-read the several previous exchanges we had had, so as to remind myself of what our relationship consisted of. After this, I would again write her a 6 page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 4-page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 2-page letter, wait 6 months, then give up again. A few months later she would write me another amazingly-intimate letter saying she loved me again. This went on for years. Eventually I really started to resent how high-maintenance she was, and I broke off the relationship.
In the case of Kristen, the emotions were very openly expressed (in letters), but did not seem to matter (to her, at least from my perspective).
Meanwhile if I interact with someone as a stranger, and I be very careful not to be "too intimate" which would scare them away, they still think I am a fag hitting on them! It is never-ending.
Sailing does it for me. Real sailing on a tall ship with the engine off. There is no way to describe it. Even reminiscing upon it evokes something in me. I get very little out of flowers, poems, or other things that are typically considered beautiful. I enjoy music, but not in an emotional way unless it is connected to a significantly emotional event in my life.
The only time I feel true joy is when I am motorcycle adventure riding alone. Though I do become giddy by reading other people's ride reports on channels such as Itchy Boots, Adventure Rider, Everide, etc.
Also, I never give my waifu flowers nor candy nor jewlry. I only hug and kiss her. I love to just cuddle her. I also absolutely hate when someone gives me a gift. I do not want an object of affection. I want affection.
All my love is based in intellect. I appreciate someone's qualities and therefore like, feel affection for, or love them. I do not experience the kind of emotion that people have expected from me in intimate relationships.
NTs who are in love want to discuss and agonize over things in their love relationships in a way that makes me feel like a robot in comparison. When they embark on these emotion-feasts, I am left standing there feeling lost. They first urge me to open up and let my feelings show, and then when I comply they either accuse me of lying, or conclude I am deficient.
I have never understood how people can be emotionally attracted to someone at first glance (other than in a Hots or Deja-vu sort of way). I sometimes see some woman who reminds me of "the type" I used to like when I was younger, and so I get a grin on my face, and thus conclude thet I am attracted to her. But it is actually not her at all, it is just that specific "look" (thet reminds me of an intellect I was attracted to before). I can always intellectualize the picture (for that is all she is at this point) and thus fantasize about all the intellectual qualities she should have for me to bother with her. Of course, I have no clue what she is actually like, so I am over it already - she is dismissed.
This is why women flirting with me visually is useless. I just do not "get" flirting, for why would she think I would be attracted to her if she is not talking and expressing her intellect first?
It seems that my dead mother is not gone from my life to the same extent as the dead cat (perhaps because I have replaced it with another cat). My mother was so important in my life, and we spent so much of my life together that she seems quite present to me. Same as anyone else I care about who is not within reach. I feel as close to my dead friend Frank as I do to my live friend Liz.
I think most people have this ability to transfer love from one person to another. When you are "in love" and break up with someone you become "on the re-bound" and thus can instantly "fall in love" with whatever random nobody happens to be on hand, by transferring your love from one person to the other. Or as mentioned above, she transferred her love for her dead cat onto another cat.
I feel thet my absolute obsession with my music was at least in part a transference of my love from women to music; i.e., once I had a nervous-breakdown type of burn-out over my 7th love, I lost my ability to feel that "in love" type of emotion. I thus transferred my "affections" onto my music, to the extent thet I obsessively wrote and recorded 180 songs in 3 years. Music was a compensation for my inability to acquire an actual girlfriend.
This is also the Asperger symptom of "inability to recognize the relative difference in value between things." I do not feel anything about what I see, and I do not readily recognize the relative difference in value between 1 thing and the next. They all have the same emotional impact on me, which is seldom substantial. This plays into the Asperger’s difficulty empathizing.
When NTs cry, they generally prefer to be in the arms of someone they love. On the other hand, if you want to soothe us Aspies when we are upset, give us the information and ideas we need to understand our circumstances. Usually we are upset because we are in the dark about something and cannot fathom a strategy, not because someone hurt us - in which case we would probably rage if anything.
With us, it is entirely intellectual. We may be emotionally very distraught, but it is because we cannot find the intellectual reference-point. See the freak-out scene in the movie Temple Grandin, wherein she comes to her room and finds it slightly out of arrangement, provoking a total melt-down. Her extreme emotional response was due to her inability to find the intellectual reference-point; i.e., no one hurt her - some thing hurt her.
Another example is how I "over-intellectualized" my reaction to 9/11, as presented in my zine, Aftermath #1, wherein I was interviewed by a Polish person who later suggested I (as an American) was not emotional enough over 9/11. Also see my Autism Lecture on The Grieving Process.
Wendy: I do believe some of my ability to "stick it out" comes from a not very welcome gift of depression. It serves to blunt the anxiety so I do not completely crash, but just struggle on hopelessly. I even have a hypothesis that what makes some of us higher-functioning is that this comorbidity with depression makes us able to function longer.
Jean: The depression does blunt the anxiety, and I am beginning to think that is why the anti-depressants I took made me have such trouble with anxiety and panic-attacks. It was doing away with the depression, which must have been buffering against the acute attacks.
During my clinical depression stage, I felt proud of my ability to trudge on through life, in over my head in a vat of depression. This led to me coming up with the analogy of life being like a boxing match in a vat of molasses. The numbing feeling of morbid depression started to feel comforting in it's familiarity. Though it was horrible, it was stabilizing too. Every time I started to feel angry or grief-stricken, I would have a beer, and that would numb me back down to the relatively-comfortable depression again.
It was decades later when I felt no depression at all and was instead in a perpetual state of rage thet I wanted to kill myself. I never felt as suicidal in depression as I did in anger. The depression made me feel strong, even if in a martyr sort of way, whereas the anger would make me want to kill myself in rage over my inability to deal with Autistic meltdowns. I was just so sick to death of being angry all the time.
Coa: I sometimes wondered whether I suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder.
Sue: I have wondered the same, but have come to the conclusion that this fractioning off of a part of myself to do what my whole self cannot is just a coping-mechanism to help me function - because of the differently-wired person I am, not because of some clearly identified emotional trauma. I was not brought up in an emotionally-nurturing environment, but if I had a normally-wired brain, I think I would have handled it differently.
This coincides with what I have said several times about how I thought being Autistic is what saved me from the fate of my Paranoid Schizophrenic siblings; i.e., I was not as aware as my siblings were of what was going on with the abuse, thus it did not affect me as much as it affected them. They ended up terrified (to the point of mental illness), whereas I ended up merely angry (to the point of rage-attacks). My siblings' egos were obliterated by abusive people they were very much aware of, but for me as an Autistic I was not as badly affected because I was simply not able to acknowledge people as much; resulting in my NT sister developing 5 multiples, whereas I only developed 1.
MM: My gender came into question at that time - the boys would say, "You are not like other girls. You do not cry when you get hurt, so you are better than other girls, but you are not a boy." Of course it was lonely being given a category to myself, and it taught me to hate my gender.
Jean: For some of us here, our lives, our outlooks, and behavior do not have much sense of gender at all. I myself live a somewhat femme life, but it feels in some sense detachable, like a costume. I was an androgynous kid, and clearly perceived the world in a non-gendered way.
When other kids criticized me for not looking them in the eye, I was shocked. So even though it was unpleasant I started doing it, but then they accused me of staring. Eventually I found by trial and error that a rhythm of 3 seconds looking at them, then 3 seconds looking away, stopped the comments (but still did not gain me anything, except less criticism). She learned to look people in the eye, but did not learn how to read, nor even see, what was there.
This is what I talked about in Indigo #2:
A horse can be taught to learn new things, but it will never understand why it does those things. This is also like an Autistic child. You can train them to pretend to be normal, but they are not able to understand why normal behavior is preferred.
Gail: An acquaintance said that when I would be sitting at a table with other people, I had no presence. She described it as "empty air sitting in a chair." It was startling to her when I would say something, because it felt to her like my voice was coming out of nowhere.
Jane: I assume she was used to NT people who send and receive non-verbal communication signals all the time without even being aware of it. Since we do not do it, it is no wonder we seem blank.
Jean: Even my kids notice where people get in line in front of me while I am first in line. I guess my social face at rest is so passive that I am virtually invisible.
Coa: I like how you describe being a social dead-zone. I wonder if that is what happens when I suggest a new idea in a meeting. The idea is there, but void of social signals. So after other people take it up and find it a good idea, it is invariably recorded as someone else's idea! Never mine. This has always puzzled me.
I think of the social signals as the fluff that surrounds and often obscures the real person. I try to see through this confusing fluff to the real core person. But for NTs set to detect fluff more easily than cores, we Aspies would indeed seem a dead zone.
Here is a snippet from Indigo #6:
I always considered myself exceptionally good at reading facial expressions and body-language (which is very unusual for an Aspie). I think it was more my Indigo ability to read people psychically thet I was picking up on. I was very Witchy from my late teens to late 30s - very psychically aware.
I was also able to become nearly invisible on a psychic level to such extent thet when I was once confronted by a couple of thugs who were apparently intending to mug me, I simply turned off my psychic energy and intentionally went completely blank. It was like I had become invisible to them, as they just stared blankly through me, looked confused, and went away.
Concerning the communication deficits of NTs: NTs do not care so much about the absolute truth, but about what is perceived to be "truth" by society. When there is a controversy about facts, NTs will not go check to see what is true, but will instead negotiate among themselves to reach an agreement.
This sounds incredible, but since I heard that, I have noticed it over and over again.
This observation is supported by scientific research on the human memory and the reliability of witnesses in Court.
Anyway, for us Aspies it looks insane! Then they get mad at us for refusing to participate in the process.
This is another example of the evil of Democracy; i.e., majority moron rule, wherein the majority just make up "reality", and since they all agree to believe in what the majority decided, that makes it "true"! This is called Consensus Reality.
This suggests thet my hatred of Democracy is not just coincidentally my Asperger Fixated Subject, but a manifestation of an Asperger symptom it's self; i.e., all Aspies probably hate the concept of majority rule.
Though the reason I hated the Adult Aspergers Association "support group" was because they were trying to form their own sub-democracy, all dummying down to the lowest common denominator of majority-moron-rule = a cult of crippled Retards with the fake camaraderie of an AS lable; in this case it was the Aspies who were circle-jerking their Consensus Reality.
I call this social stuff "superficial phoniness". People think they have relationships when they really do not. What they have is other people who do this ritual well, which gives the appearance of having a relationship. It always puzzled me because I could never understand how people could be satisfied with such a phony way of relating.
I learnt by reading Deborah Tannen why NTs play these games rather than just tell the truth and take things literally. They do it because it is fun! She says communication is so easy for them, that it would be boring to have a social life without those games.
I assume this is why every generation invents a new Nigger handshake, or a new asinine word for "cool". To me, and probably any other Aspie, this is just irritating.
Work is often the part of my life where I can express myself creatively. Not by talking about myself, but by talking from myself.
We may have learnt empathy and other moral attributes through our early relationships with the non-human world, despite the common NT assumption that our fascination with the non-human makes us more robotic. For example:
MM: We are always sewing souls into the things we create.
Jane: I think soul is created through creation of a relationship. When I acknowledge my power to affect, I am also giving power to the other to effect me. It is this relationship that makes us who we are.
All music equipment is 19 inches wide. This allows them, no matter the make or model, to all mount into the same "rack box". As I was the sound-tech for the band Detente Touch, I had a lot of music equipment, all mounted in a milk crate, thet coincidentally happens to also be 19 inches wide. Eventually I acquired enough equipment thet it would no longer all fit in a milk crate, thus I finally bought my own rack box. I was so delighted to have the actual professional rack box, I felt giddy about it. After my equipment was mounted into that box, I actually hugged the box in my excitement. Todd, the leader of Detente Touch, was so uncomfortable with my expression of affection toward that inanimate object thet he wound up into anxiety and yelled at me, "Why do you do that!" I was having a relationship with that box, thus it had a soul to me to the extent thet I felt inspired to hug it.
I also had a very intimate relationship with my drum set. I played the same set for many years and I thus felt it was permeated with my psychic energy; i.e., in a way it had a soul of it's own. This was especially notable when I would occasionally work myself into a trance and leave my body while playing the drums. I would hover 10 feet above my body as it played the drums on it's own. The drums themselves seemed to have a soul - at least to the extent thet they were making the sound as much as my then-soulless body was. There was an intimate relationship between the both of them, even when my soul was out of body.
I went on to become a motorcycle adventure rider, during which I developed a very intimate relationship with my motorcycle, an excruciatingly high-maintenance '75 Honda.
I felt much anger toward people in general and women specifically for how ridiculously high-maintenance they were, while giving me nothing in return. I felt all humans were just vampires sucking the life out of me, whereas my energy/money/time-intensive motorcycle was worth it. It literally kept me sane. The best memories I have are of motorcycle adventure riding. To me, that bike had a soul.
At this point the book changes from the chat-room format to autobiographies of AS individuals written specifically for this book:
I am creative and imaginative. However I find it hard to be creative when told to be or told what to create. It has to be something coming from within.
I have published 19 books of poetry. Only 1 of those individual poems was written to order. All the others just came to me (inspired by The Muse).
Imagine what it is like to be startled by everyday experiences, like the sound of a cup touching a saucer. Or someone suddenly making a gesture with their hand in your direction. Think what it is like to have your nervous system put on edge by the sound of someone chewing, or the thought that someone just might come close enough to brush up against you in a crowded room. Your environment becomes a minefield. The bathroom, car, and bedroom become your foxholes.
Gary Numan, an Asperger, is probably most famous (in the USA) for his first big hit song "Cars", the opening line of which says, "Here in my car/I feel safest of all/I can lock all my doors/It's the only way to live/In cars." (See my review of Gary Numan. Android In La La Land.)
Among the words I most dread to hear, yet hear so often, are "Lighten up!" "Don't be so intense!" "Don't take life so seriously!" In essence you are telling me to stop functioning.
One of the most repulsive things I have heard a Normal say is, "Come on - Live a little!" while holding up a beer. Their jeering facial expression exaggerated to hide their petrifying anxiety so obvious in their eyes, combined with their fear thet I think I am too good for them by refusing to join them in the destruction of their brain-cells. Several times they have actually admitted this fear, saying point blank, "Do you think you are too good for us!" with a belligerent sneer. No, I do not. I am just Autistic and thus cannot handle alcohol (it makes my guts bleed). But I still usually just walk (on water) away. Idiots.
They are not idiots for drinking beer. They are idiots for drinking it as their way of forming camaraderie in dummying down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule. In that respect, Yes, I am in fact too good for you.
When I appear zoned out in a world of my own, or obsessively organizing, I am just trying to conserve energy or forage through the thicket of input that overwhelms me. I cannot wait to get home to collapse, and I cannot proceed without planning.
This reminds me of what I said in Indigo # 5:
When I was a child (5-6-7 years old) 1 of my favorite things to do was to take all the contents out of my dad's toolbox, and then put it all back in precise order.
When I was 36 I worked for a machine-shop. They had a 5 gallon bucket full of random loose nuts and bolts. 1 day I was feeling especially stressed out - I needed to obsessively sort tiny details as a Stim - so I dumped out that bucket and sorted all the contents into a dozen tiny cardboard boxes. The boss made me stop because this was not something thet would make them any money.
I am not asking that life's expectations be changed for me. I seek only acceptance for the ways I choose to meet them. Remember, what gives joy to you is often very uncomfortable for me.
I had always sensed I was different, I just never understood how or why. I honestly thought that once I had learned the mechanics of socializing, I would be socializing. But when people would share information about themselves with me, I did not know what I was supposed to do with it. People would even call themselves my friends, but I could not figure out what I was supposed to do with a friend.
For so many years I desperately wanted a girlfriend. I even fell in love 7 times (with whoever happened to be on hand because I was desperate and she was there). After I gave up repeatedly torturing myself with the pain of unrequited love, I came to realize thet I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a girlfriend if I ever did acquire one. Here it is 22 years later, and I still have no idea what one does with a girlfriend. What are they for? Why did I want one so desperately if I never did know what to do with her anyway?
Today I often wish I could adopt a child. I guess it is because I simply want someone to love. But why? What do you do with a child (or girlfriend) other than just feel love for them?
I guess that is why Aspies are so capable of transferring our affections to inanimate objects, to the extent thet we even feel those objects have souls.
Whenever I did struggle to maintain a so-called "friendship" the other person simply wanted me to be someone they showed off their sociopathic behavior to. They wanted drinking buddies, or recreational-vandalism companions, or drug-pals, etc. Even when I had bands, the other members just wanted the band as a vehicle to attract people like themselves to (music had nothing to do with it); whereas to me the band was an expression of our mutual creativity, which made me feel very excited.
All of these people referred to me as their "friend" but I did not understand why they could not do those things with any other random stranger. What was it thet made the label of "friend" enter into the equation? Not to mention I was horrified by the things they wanted us to do together. Why do they want to maintain a fake camaraderie while smashing things up for no reason? To this day I am completely bewildered by that.
And I am so very attracted to little kids. I love toddlers so much. They are just so adorable. I want to just hold them tight, and smell them, and cuddle them. They are so lovable. But I do not know why, or what to do with them after 30 seconds of hugs. Though that does not keep me from feeling this painful loneliness afterward of not having a child to love permanently.
I will probably never understand why I want to feel love, since I do not know what it is for.
I think this also equates with the Asperger symptom of "apparent disinterest in sex". There is nothing wrong with my libido, in fact in my 20s I was a raging nymphomaniac just like any other young male in his prime. But the "disinterest" part comes into play in thet I do not know what sex is for. I fell in love, but did not know what for. I fell in lust and did not know what that was for either. Sexual desire is just another 1 of God's sadistic little jokes. Like falling in love, it just hurts all the time and that is all.
I had proudly told her how I had recently learned to do lunch in a restaurant with a group of friends from work. She asked me, "What did you learn about your friends from having lunch with them?" I was taken aback. I had no clue that is why people "did lunch" together.
I have always hated "going to dinner" with someone - when someone invites me to have dinner with them at their home in the evening. It is a specific social ritual I have never understood, and I have no idea what it is even for. I just feel such anxiety, and even more-so, outright irritation. I feel anger toward them for having invited me, for it puts me in a position wherein I must do something I HATE in order to not offend them, or refuse to do it, which may also offend them. I never get anything out of it, other than anxiety and anger. All the following day I feel angry and resentful thet I "had to" do it.
The last 2 times I was "invited to dinner" I did not even tell them "No." I just ignored them. The few times I did go, because I felt obligated, I just sat there wondering why I had been invited (by strangers who want me to sit at their table and pick at non-food for no descernable reason) . They fed me microscopic amounts of food, which felt insulting to me, for it appeared thet the purpose of this set-up was to analyze each other's table etiquette, rather than actually interact in any meaningful way.
They, like all Normals, talked but never said anything. It was just painful to sit through. I always wanted to angrily yell at them, "Why are we doing this!" And I really wanted to know. But of course the Normals are not even consciously aware of what "this" is? To them it is called "dinner". To me, it is obviously a bizzare social ritual with some unknown purpose.
Who are these people and why do they want me to eat with them? They do not want me to eat with them! They want me to play the game thet is "dinner." Today I am 53 years old and I still have no clue what that game is.
I sought out a Psychiatrist who claimed to work with adults with Asperger's. I found it odd when I went to his office that someone who says they work with AS adults would have so many white walls and florescent lights.
I started off very anxious. He told me, after he listened to me talk, that I appeared quite calm and collected, and then at the end of the session when I collapsed in frustration and distain, he said I appeared very anxious to him. How could anyone help me if they misread me so badly?
He also told me that since I used the word "vow" my anxiety must be related to my religious upbringing. I was totally dumbfounded. I pulled inside even tighter.
The world kept telling me to lighten up and be myself, yet no one would tell me what that meant or how to do it. Seeking help only confirmed my conviction that talking to Normal people just made things worse. So I did what I always did; I would find out the information I needed by myself.
The most common social mishaps are misinterpreting or not being able to interpret what people are saying, and not remembering who they are. Inability to recall names is a continual embarrassment for me. I am well aware that everyone forgets names now and then, but I struggle to remember names most times on most days. Not just their names but who they are and why I know them. These are people I work with every day! I have yet to be able to retrieve someone's name fast enough to return the "Hi, (name)" as I pass them in the hall. I am often mumbling it under my breath minutes, hours, or even days later as I finally make the connection. Unfortunately, I fail to retrieve it again the next time I see them.
I still have not figured out how people know what they know, and why I do not. I really do try hard to read the papers and magazines. I go down to the lunchroom thinking it is where people exchange information. I just recently discovered the school bulletin-boards where a great deal of information is posted. What I do not do is spend time chit-chatting with other people. I suspect this is the hidden information source.
How does one filter out the pertinent information from the endless stream of otherwise pointless chit-chat? I will probably never know. Though I do know this decyphering of mindless blithering is how most people communicate; it is the hidden (to me) signals they express with their eyes, saying something other than what their words are saying, where the real communication takes place.
I too am completely hopeless at remembering names. In fact 1 of the most irritating aspects of the Adult Asperger's Association was thet the incompetent "facilitator" would start every meeting by making us go around the circle introducing ourselves by name. It almost made me want to scream in frustration, for I knew I would never remember any of their names anyway, thus it was such a waste of time!
And, "This decyphering of mindless blithering is how most people communicate", is what I mentioned in my Autism Lecture titled Valentine's Day.
I have learned over the years that if I just let people talk long enough, I would often get the answers I was seeking without having to ask. Ironically, I have earned the reputation of being a good listener as a result.
Of course, I miss 50% of what they are saying, and generally do not know what to do with the other 50%. But I have always tried to listen carefully because I assumed there was a purpose and a reason for people telling me things.
They are not telling you anything. They are just yacking to test to see if you will listen, thus giving them the impression thet if they ever do have something to say, you are the one who will listen to them. It is comforting to them to know you are simply there while they yammer on pointlessly. This of course is very irritating to a Hyperlexic Asperger literary genius who takes all words seriously.
It was quite a shock when my husband told me that people often have no purpose or reason behind what they say! They are just "making conversation". They just like "connecting" with other people. It really does not matter what is said. Thus explaining why they yack about some ball-game. It is the most utterly brainless crap I can imagine.
One need not make a choice between learning to live in a social world one does not understand, and living life in a way that makes sense and gives pleasure to the person you are. Unfortunately, I have seen a number of my students bowing to the pressure put on them to memorize and repeat, rather than acquire through understanding, the social skills that others feel are essential to their success in life.
The last straw for me in public school was when we took a test, and the "teacher" (snicker) told us to just copy the answers from the back of the book onto a piece of paper with our name on it and turn it in. All the answers to the numbered questions were right there in the back of the book. We were not being taught anything. We never even read the questions - forget discussing why these were the correct answers, and nobody even read any part of the actual book! It nearly brought me to tears of rage. I refused to do it.
This was the further installation of a deep-seated anger in me about the purposeful withholding of education. In this case the "teacher" had a belligerent look on his face toward me for apparently being "too stupid" to go along with the easy way of mindlessly shuffling through the useless school system, learning nothing whatsoever, like the rest of the little zombies.
There were certain foods I could not swallow without gagging, and I had severe motion sickness, but the most painful area of my life was hair. Hair hurt. Having my hair combed was torture. My descriptions of my world and my experiences were disregarded by everyone around me. My self-reports went unheard because they were too far off the norm to make sense.
Jane talks about being an anti-war activist, which would often result in her being charged with "criminal offenses of conscience". Here being reduced to the level of a common mischief-monger made her so angry thet she cried in court (the typically-Aspergian wrong emotional response). This crying was misinterpreted by the court as fear of punishment, which just made her angrier. Eventually the anger over the war, combined with the anger over her inability to express it in a way others could interpret accurately, made her burn out and have to quit political activism.
This Aspergian sense of Ethics is a common theme in us, as is the wrong facial expression thet makes us so badly misunderstood. The Normals listen with their eyes not their ears, thus resulting in unbearable frustration in us who use spoken and written language so well (against brick walls).
My anger became so debilitating that I was forced to recognize a basic problem I always had with all kinds of anger, which is: I did not know how to get out of it. Once something flipped the switch, I was stuck in anger mode. Being angry in such a sustained way was unbearable, physically as much as mentally. Like I said above: Feeling clinically depressed made me feel strong. Feeling angry made me feel suicidal.
Another thing that happens to me is when I feel trapped in a relationship that has become so constantly present that I cannot find a time in which to decompress, the result is that I burst. I tantrum wildly, and twice I have gone to the extent of performing my own version of self-mutilation - breaking the lenses of my glasses. Since I am virtually blind without them, and their lenses are shatter-resistant, breaking them requires both a tremendous lot of work and represents the most extreme rejection of the world around me. I know it looks like anger, but it feels like despair.
I did a 6-issue zine series called Getting To the Bottom of This - the "this" being my anger. I was in a perpetual state of rage for years, and I got so sick of it thet I decided to kill myself to escape it. The GTTBOT series was a huge symbolic suicide. I fully intended it to be literal, but the intense cathartic writing in that series actually allowed me to in fact get to the bottom of it. Then I did another 6-issue series called The I of the Storm, which was a transition faze wherein I decided to finally divorce my abusive family, move 3 states away, and start over. During that series I discovered I am an Asperger, which also changed my life, resulting in me doing the Indigo series. Now thet I have found my niche, settling into my role as a calm and patient teacher (as opposed to the angry obsessive teacher I used to be, who bitterly resented having to spoon-feed morons and beat idiots over the head) with my writing, I am so not angry any more.
Though I still have a hateful prejudice against the Normals, part of me so much wants to adopt a child. I have finally discovered the love in me.
People say I should take time for myself, have mental health days and give myself little hugs. I have always found this to be a strange concept. I guess it would work if there was some logical sense in not stressing out. But it is a hard concept to grasp when I am not able to define or create an awareness of self. It is only since I acquired this Asperger concept that I have started thinking I might have a sense of self.
I am the opposite. My desire to label myself with an identity has always been present in my life. I have always arrogantly felt thet I am the only person who has nothing to prove and nothing to hide; read any of my 77 Pragmatic Language Disorder zines for proof of this (I enjoy spilling my guts to startled strangers).
But only recently did I say out loud to someone thet I feel very proud of my self as a writer, explaining to her thet in my Leech Map series I had achieved a state of literary genius. She said I had always been like that, eager to give my self (arrogant) identity labels. I did not see it as arrogance, I saw it as pride, I was entitled to:
I am in fact a (gifted) composer, a (genius) musician, a (genius) writer, a (genius) painter, a pretty darn good sculpter, a Faerie/Indigo (evolutionary step above the obsolete Normals, on their flaming death spiral to extinction as us Autistics take their place), and I am an Asperger (like Newton, Tesla, and Einstein). This continual labeling of myself is apparently because as an Aspie I otherwise would have a vague sense of identity (in my dreams I often change sexes, levitate and fly, be pregnant give birth and breast-feed, and physically morph into cats and cars).
Compare that to the egoless wimp Anarchist with a chip on their shoulder and a stick up their ass, who declares they do not believe in labels (neither for themself nor others), which they then delude themselves makes them somehow morally superior to "judgemental" people who use labels. Anarchists are just so pathetic -for their ego (lessness) cannot handle criticism, thus they refuse to have any ego-I-mean-label at all in fear someone may find fault with it. Die, you non-person weaklings - just get out of the way of the next evolutionary step I represent. Idiots.
I am typically Aspergian in thet I snap into conceited indignance if anyone questions my astronomical IQ, and feel utter contempt toward Normals who horribly humiliate themselves by thinking they are better than me. THUS, unlike Anarchists, I could rub your face in my extensive stack of self-labels, to which I feel tremendous arrogance in comparison to the appalling level of self-humiliation demonstrated so theatrically by Normals trying to find fault with God-I-mean-Me. Polar opposite of an egoless wimp Anarchist who is afraid to have a self label (or to even exist) at all because someone might criticize it, which would obliterate their mouse fart of an ego. I am more into rejoicing when I am attacked, for it proves they do not consider me to be one of them. Why would I want to be? (snicker).
The 4 paragraphs above are intentionally exaggerated to make a hyberbolic point about Autistic sense of identity. The vague sense of spacial location makes us better than you, in thet it allows us to be fearless (or at least a deer in headlights) in the face of danger.
Meanwhile the Normals are afraid of dying, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being emotionally vulnerable, afraid to actually say anything with their pointless blithering small-talk, have terrifying nighmares about being naked in public, etc, because they are so present. They become Paranoid Schizophrenics who think everyone is out to get them, wherereas an Autistic is oblivious because they are not aware anyone is even there! Thus the Normals need "mental health days to give themselves little hugs." They are just so pathetic.
I was 7. I was serious and entirely focused on performing the dance. I thought dancing was the sole purpose of what we were doing. How was I supposed to know we were playing, and that this was supposed to be fun? By the time I reached 50, I still had no concept of what fun was.
I went to a party once. One of the activities we were to engage in was to be tought the steps to a dance. Aware of my own awkwardness, I studied hard and practiced intently during the instruction. Then we all danced as one, to the instructor.
Most of the people present left the room irritated, accusing me of showing off embarrassingly. I was of course oblivious to their existence, for as was said above, I thought learning the dance was the point of the instruction. It was not. We were supposed to use the dance-class as a vehicle for socialization. But (from my perspective) none of them were socializing!
I hate the Normals. I do not want to learn what they think was going on in that class; i.e., what they thought they were doing and what they thought I was doing. They are all a bunch of morons.
I was 36 when I realized I did not know how to play nor have fun.
I was 44 when I went on my first motorcycle adventure ride. I did not consider it play (it was a serious learning experience) but it was fun. Before that I never did anything for fun.
I was always full of anxiety and obsessiveness, beating everything into the ground in frantic desperation to achieve some Utopian Vision in my head thet had nothing to do with a reality any Normal could grasp. I was forever on the verge of panic, compensated for with rage over how, from my perspective, all other people were worthless flakes who were not willing to work at anything.
Meanwhile they all thought of me as an angry slave-driver beating everything, including them, into the ground in my obsessiveness. I was forever on the verge of tears because from my perspective no one cared about anything. This drove me to a Martyr Complex in my desperation to make some difference in the world of the dead-eyed slack-jaw lobotomized sheep all Normals are.
Eventually I burned out (thank God), and now all I care about is teaching people about Autism, that is if they seek me out and ask. (This web-site for example. I refuse to advertise it in any way. If you want this information you have to be willing to search it out). I no longer spoon-feed morons or beat idiots over the head, even if it would be for their own good.
Being pretty was socially valued. My parents praised me in front of other people all the time for that. Apparently because I did not draw attention to this fact myself, I was not teased for being stuck-up.
I never did see the value in this trait. In fact it made me angry any time someone would compliment me for being pretty.
What I did desperately want though was for someone to notice the inner me. The me I had to hide because it was not socially acceptable. I wanted someone to notice how hard I struggled. If I could not have that, I wanted to at least be left alone.
My first love made me very angry by telling me I was good looking. She said she did not believe I had never kissed anyone before. I asked why. She said "Because you are such a fox." I felt a flash of anger and nearly punched her in the head. How dare she suggest thet only good looking people should be kissed; what about the gifted genius I am inside!
I remember quite vividly the night I shut down emotions completely. I was lying in bed having my now-nightly silent tantrum that I could not explain so had to hide. I was tired of feeling confused, angry, and frustrated with no way to express it without getting into trouble. Play and fun were non-existent concepts to me. It took too much energy to deal with emotions, mine as well as others'. I needed all the energy I had to figure out how to function in a world that I did not and could not understand, and no one seemed able or willing to explain.
I realize now how big a role emotions play in understanding the whys of social interactions, and in understanding and building relationships. I was overwhelmed by trying to figure it all out on a cognitive level.
Someone had stolen my apple from my lunchbox, and it was when I tried to find it and get it back thet things got confusing. I discovered there was not a single child who would help me or tell me the truth, nor understand why I then got so upset about it.
How could this be? I had always been such a good girl. I had never stolen anything of theirs. I had always told them the truth. What had I done wrong? Why were they suddenly treating me like the enemy with their taunting, sneering, jeering, lilting connotation, "Cry over an apple! Cry over an apple! Cry over an apple!"
It was not the apple being stolen she was crying over; it was the conspiracy of evil 100% of the kids formed as a gang-raping lynch-mob of witch-burners called Democracy/majority moron rule.
I too never understood how they could enjoy and even show off their camaraderie of viciousness directed toward the most innocent person of them all. Thus I learned at a very young age to never talk to anyone, for if I did they would invent reasons to use what is said against me, thus "justifying" them assigning me "witch to be burned" status.
Then of course, due to the fact all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenics, they would become so terrified of my silence (fear of the unknown) thet they would just make things up about me, and wind themselves up into a panic. The malicious gossip would snowball into a frenzy of fear, and I was thus inevitably attacked for having this time said or done nothing at all!
They were terrified of me if I talked, and terrified of me if I did not! They are all so pathetic.
Back in schooldays, I learnt there were things I would have to hide: my interests, my passions, my ideas, my "embarrassing" successes. I still remember the spot in the library where I, holding my breath, hid from classmates in case they asked me what I got in my Latin exam, and I would have to tell them 100%, and that would lead to more taunting.
Classic Democracy: "How dare you rise above the dummied-down mob of majority moron rule!"
I got 100% on a test in school once. I was the only kid in class who did, and when that was found out the entire class bristled with avarice. The "teacher" even got a burning hatred in his eyes because I, as the least popular kid in class, was not allowed to get a good grade if all the others did not get an even better grade.
This is when "the apple scene" took place for me. I never cried over it (the stealing of a cassette tape I had brought to share with someone I thought was trying to be my friend), because I had long before learned to hate them all. But 1 kid stole the tape, passed it off to another, who then passed it off to another, all of them knowing it was mine. I had to trace it through 4 kids before I got it back, every one of them with haughty belligerent condescension on their face toward me for having been "so stupid" as to trust anyone. 100% Paranoid Schizophrenic sociopaths. The vicious spite on the last kid's face (for he was the one left holding the stolen tape) as he handed it over was due to the fact I was the only one to get 100% on some test thet was pointless to me anyway.
It was never ending. Practically every day in public school was like (in the movie) Temple Grandin reading French, which resulted in me being "justifiably" hated by all the terrified weaklings (as overtly directed by the sadistic teachers), who were then all absolutely enraged if I rose above the level they had assigned me to.
They then acquired another layer of anger toward me (as compensation for their fear) for me being relatively oblivious; i.e., their ultimate desire was for me to openly "cry over an apple" but I never did show any emotion at all. This absolutely infuriated them.
By the time I was 40 I had inevitably developed a God Complex, and that is what allowed me to confront and finally vent my anger in my Getting To The Bottom Of This zine series.
I also realized that I should have to be very very perfect in my manners and behavior. Normal people have an inherent desire to abuse people who are different, and any imperfection that I revealed would give them a stick to hit me with. This is a heavy burden for any teenager. To make it easier on myself, I stayed away from social occasions as much as possible.
Unfortunately for me, my horrible parents who forbid me to speak thus preventing them from ever understanding thet I simply wanted to be left alone, came to the asinine conclusion thet I was "shy" and needed them to help me socialize; they kept dragging me out to "social events" where I would be in a perpetual state of anxiety, alternating with viciously hostile impulses (I always kept to myself, resulting in bleeding colitis), and often threw up afterward in revulsion over having had to interact with the sadists of Democracy.
By the time I was in my late 30s I often had dreams of spitefully vomiting icy acid, or something like liquid nitrogen, onto the faces of other person's in the dream, because they were sniveling rats pretending to be friendly.
This dream alternated with dreams of zombies, wherein I was horrified thet all other people were malicious manipulator women who's bodies were dead, stunk like rotting flesh, and were full of maggots. They were always naked, and trying to sexually seduce me by (S&M) scratching my face with their long nails.
Equally often I would dream of being naked in public, wherein I was oblivious while the Normals were horrified. I had no clue I had simply forgotten to put on clothes, while I (after it was too late) became very aware thet the others were truly terrified of the vulnerability my naked state represented - as I felt nothing about it.
I realized that my enjoyment of the physical world, my private relationship with it, was considered evil by many people, the chemistry teacher included. I learned not to laugh, not to have any expression at all.
Perhaps this is one reason why Autistics are thought to have no emotions; they have had bad experiences when they have revealed their emotions and have thus learned not to.
No shit, Sherlock. The only emotion I will be expressing at the Normals is hatred, thus making them go away and leave me alone so I can be the real me - an innocent excited little kid feeling giddy about simple things (like hugging a rack box), or grieving in sobbing-sessions of vulnerability. Spilling my guts and crying to myself, thus reveling in the fact I am more emotionally mature than anyone else, while feeling lonely over the fact all people are so afraid of their own emotions they are thus afraid of mine.
Despite what the chemistry teacher said [about her being emotionally immature for being honest with her feelings], in some ways I was actually an adult by the time I was 15, because by then I had removed myself from emotional dependence on other people, parents included. I had learned some hard lessons about society and knew that I would have to find my own way.
My vicious parents were always the enemy, and I was thus not emotionally dependent on them - and my siblings were all just as bad. Though these were the people I felt the most painfully desperate desire to love, I knew better than to ever let them in on it, and by the time I was leaving Oregon for good (read: divorcing my abusive lunatic family and moving 3 States away) I no longer cared, I told my dad to his face: "You are old! You are going to die soon! I want to do something for you to tell you I love you, but you will not let me! I give up!" I threw up my hands and left. I never saw him again. 12 years later he died. I did not notice.
The concept of "emotionally depending on someone" sounds bizarre to me. No one has ever been there for me emotionally, and no one ever will, and I no longer feel anything about that.
I was still always reading to shut people out. I became very self-conscious, which was a shame as I always just lived in a body that I gave no thought to, which just did what I wanted it to, and I enjoyed that very much.
But body-image was something that was on everyone else's minds, apparently, and boys started making comments about our breasts or faces.
The biggest shock I got was when a group of girls in the library started talking about who was the prettiest girl. It was a surprise for me to hear that, and try to figure out how anyone could notice what anyone else really looked like. I remember trying to analyze this alarming new information, when one of the girls said, "Well, I think April is one of the pretty ones." This was an even greater shock; it felt like a physical blow, as I had no idea people could see me, which sounds really stupid but I just did not process people well, so I thought I was also invisible to them.
This led to speculation by me as to how I really looked, and I could not wait to bike home and check. When I looked in the bathroom mirror I was shocked to discover I was a blonde girl, and not the dark-haired boy of my own world. I was also not generally very impressed with what I saw, and it was the beginning of a lot of anxiety I developed when people looked at me, which I can still only stand if I do not think about it. I got myself a duffel coat and corduroy trousers as part of my Aspergic uniform, and wore them all the time both winter and summer. It made me feel safe and hidden.
As part of my review of the book The Uncharted Path, I mentioned:
I had planned to go to the office, get my schedule, check it against the board, get the log-book, pick up my check, go cash it, go eat dinner. Typically, nowhere in that scenario did I picture there being any other person involved. So when people interrupt the stream of thought in my head, it exasperates me. I almost want to scream and cry.
My parents decided it was time for me to become more independent. That meant going away to college. This was traumatic to put it mildly. On the drive to the campus I had an out-of-body-experience, I was that terrified.
I had no choice but to learn to live in the world on my own. I dove into college life as if it were a course unto itself, a course I desperately needed to learn.
I resumed my delusion that if I just did what everyone else did, I would figure out the mysteries behind why they did it. So I joined clubs, committees, and even a sorority. I had to know how people thought, why they thought the way they did.
I had no idea what that meant in terms of what was expected of me. I earned several honors by the time I finished college for all the joining I did, and my social skills and independence definitely improved, but I was still clueless as to why I was doing all of this.
I had learned as a child that asking others for answers to what I did not understand was futile [all Normals are obsessed with maintaining the purposeful withholding of education]. I realize that not asking meant I was not getting the feedback I needed in order to learn.
I knew people thought things about me, because I would hear them talking about what they thought of others. It was not "polite", however, for them to say what they thought about you to you [they only maliciously gossip and lie about you behind your back]. I hated politeness, it meant denying me the honest answers I needed to learn about myself [I want everyone to have Pragmatic Language Disorder, without which I cannot understand what is going on].
I had one professor though, who, I think out of frustration, dared to break this social rule. He suddenly blurted out at me, "Why don't you ever look at people when you are talking to them?!" I was taken aback, because it had never occurred to me to do so, nor did I realize that I was not. I accepted his honest feedback, however, and set out to learn to give eye-contact.
"Philosophical beliefs stated in political terms" is a subject touched upon in this book. All I have to say in response is thet before I became fixated on Autism as a subject to write about, I was fixated on political theories and the cultures thet arise from them; specifically my zine on Ethics Philosophy. I also became famous for writing political poetry.
Every day I participated in whatever activities the staff had programmed. I learned (with greater difficulty than most) to braid a 4-strand lanyard. I helped write a little song for my group to sing. I went where I was told, did what I was told to do, never objected or fussed. As far as I remember it was only on the final night, inside the tent with the other Bluebirds, that I became aware of something odd. The other girls had become friends with one another. Alone, there, with no adult to direct us, they chatted and whispered and laughed and interacted with seamless ease. How did they know what to say? They were not talking about anything, and yet they talked constantly. My conversation was limited to specific subjects, not including anything as nebulous as girl-talk or small-talk. Moreover, they seemed to know each other in a way they did not know me - and I certainly did not know them. I had been with them as much as they had been with each other. I had done everything they had done (as far as I could tell). And yet I was a stranger there.
Like many AS children, I preferred to relate primarily to adults. With adults I could keep conversations substantive. Children are not expected to read adults to the same extent as is expected between children or between adults, so I was not constantly sabotaged by my inability to respond to signals I could not see.
This was not true of course if I was forced to interact with immature adults who were trying to fulfill their own emotional needs through relationships with children. I had some very unpleasant experiences with people who could not accept my assumption of intellectual and moral parity with them because their self-esteem depended on having children act out a subservient role.
This is classic, and thus the reason I repeatedly openly declare thet I am more intelligent and more mature than anyone else. In doing so, I am eliminating the immature who want a weaker and dumber companion to relieve them of their inability to admit their own unresolved emotional issues. "I am the Witch! Go ahead! Try to burn me!" is my general attitude toward the Normals.
My parents were the ultimate example of this problem. They never wanted to raise happy children to be better off than themselves. They only wanted groveling minions to play the role of helpless victim so the parents could thus feel relatively strong. I see this every day in bully parents who yell and bark commandments condescendingly at their "little dummy" kids. Or finger-waggling assholes who humiliate their kids in public as a way of over-compensating for their own fear thet others will recognize how weak and stupid they are. To them, all relationships are power-plays; especially between "adult" and their own children.
My disinterest in having a girlfriend while fantasizing about adopting a child represents my unresolved emotional issues. I want a child to love because as a child no one loved me. It is unconsciously my inner child I am loving in this fantasy. I always picture adopting a girl. I have never met her, but I am sure my multiple is female.
So I have always been readily able to shout-down cops, or my own boss if my ass was not being kissed well enough - Sinatra Syndrome keeping me oblivious to the concept of authority. I will not be playing the role in the power-play relationships all people but me engage in as compensation for their un-admitted emotional needs.
And as for not wanting a girlfriend: I cannot figure out what I would do with a girlfriend. This represents the fact there are no unresolved emotional needs in me that a girlfriend could fulfill or even compensate for.
This is the same reasoning I use pertaining to me not wanting friends. What are friends for?
I was happy to spend time under her direction, until I discovered she was cheating at Monopoly. This was incomprehensible to me. I was shocked and alarmed. Confused. And I did not want to be with her anymore.
This Aspergian sense of ethics is not even something thet is conscious to an Aspie. It just shocks us when we see someone cheat, because it would never occur to us to do so ourselves. It even comes as a shock when someone else does it to another person. As Clara Claiborne Park said in The Siege: "The inability to lie convincingly could pass as a diagnostic indicator of Autism."
And that brings me to another point: My detestation of competitive sport. I need to know if all Aspies hate sports. I assume we would at least be disinterested because we are usually so physically awkward we simply suck at sports. But, at least in my case, it is also the concept of competition thet is just so pointless and bewildering to me. I cannot grasp why anyone would compete in any way. Dumb jocks competing at a ball-game, and actually taking it seriously, and feeling angry and jealous if they lose, and elated and even gloating at winning ... I just do not get that.
Then we can take it a step further and mention "soccer hooligans", wherein if their team loses they leave the ball-park and smash hell out of everything in sight. Then even more absurd, if their team wins they leave the ball-park and smash hell out of everything in sight. All of this is apparently provoked by their sense of competition. I am totally lost as to where that comes from and who the hell these people are.
I have never in my life watched a ball-game on TV. I just do not understand why anyone would. See my review of Amelie, wherein she makes fun of a person who enjoys watching ball games on TV.
Pornography is another thing thet just leaves me a deer in headlights.
The 5th grade class was divided by a factor new to my educational experience. Half the kids were white, half were black. The 2 halves sat together in the same classroom, but they separated immediately and decisively at recess.
Although there could be no doubt about which half I belonged to by ethnicity, my white classmates shunned me as unanimously as I had come to expect from all my age peers.
The amazing thing was that the black girls took me under their collective wing. "Come on Jane. We do not want to play with those white girls." They did not even seem to hold it against me that I was lousy at kick-ball.
I had gotten along fine academically, but it all went to hell in 7th grade in a combination of too may teachers and my peers determination to let me know their opinion of a goody-two-shoes like me. It must have been especially provoking for them to encounter a "stuck-up know-it-all" who was socially so far behind. And the incident that finally caused them to turn on me decisively enough to break through my general lack of contact with them was my failure to react to gender cues.
I had never interacted with my classmates much. It had never bothered me (probably because it had never occurred to me) that I did not get to know my peers well enough to tell them apart to any marked degree.
My brain had zero capacity for picking up the kid slang around me, and I often had no idea what my peers were saying to one another. In my speech, I fit the AS "Little Professor" stereotype.
I spent the rest of my secondary education in a small private school for girls. Over the 5 years I was there, 2 of them became my friends. I emerged from it convinced that girls were really really dumb.
Not including me, of course. I was not like a girl. I did not understand how they could be interested in clothes, make-up, dances, dates, and boys. Whenever boys were around, the girls turned idiotic. Totally useless. Silly. Incomprehensible.
Jane's life story is printed here, and I would have to type out several more pages to do it justice. Lets just say thet my school years were pretty-much identical to Jane's.
She talks about school dances, where the girls spoke of nothing but the boys who were going to be there. Then when the dance actually came, the girls stayed on 1 side of the room, and the boys stayed on the other side. Jane was bewildered to the point of anger over their apparent lack of appreciation (for the fact she had managed almost all of the details necessary to put on the dance) for the fact the boys they were supposedly crazy for were standing right there while the girls did nothing. The point of the story is thet the nervous cluster of girls were sending amazing amounts of signals to the nervous cluster of boys who were receiving loud and clear. But being an Aspie, Jane was oblivious. She thought they were all wasting the evening "just standing there doing nothing!"
This was me totally. I always hated dances (unless I was in the band thet was playing - after which I would still throw up from the over-stimulation) for I had no clue what the hell was going on, when some random girl would "interact" with me in some bizarre way I never knew was flirtation. Especially when there were more than just a few people present, I was simply incapable of making eye-contact with anyone, for it was just too overwhelming to me.
I was aware thet most of the people present were there to "meet people" and I recognized thet the girls were showing-off in hopes some guy would chooze them, but I never understood how one was supposed to do the choozing - not to mention what I was supposed to do with her once I chose her. The boys were usually so terrified of rejection thet they never did any choozing anyway. I knew I was not part of "the game", so I never tried. It was always just so painful to me to watch all these clueless Retards in desperate loneliness and sexual frustration fail so miserably at playing the game they invented (and I was not able to play). I could see their failure, even though I had no way of figuring out the rules of the game. They knew the rules, and still were hopeless! I just hated watching it so much. My interaction with them was through me being in the band.
Jane also talks about how the school tried to make her write the word "pretty" but since it was a social construct (she could not understand) thet she as a female (she did not identify as) was supposed to aspire to (for what reason? she could not tell), she refused to write the word.
I remember around the age of 8 - 9 (while I was inventing gibberish words thet had my own emotional definitions) having words like that thet bothered me so much thet I would feel a hot anxiety at the mention of them.
The classic children's story book Ferdinand the Bull had a description of the day of the bull-fight wherein all the citizens dressed up spiffy for the fiesta event. One line said "All the lovely ladies had flowers in their hair", and it made me really uncomfortable because the picture thet went with it was of an especially good looking Spanish lady "all dolled up", which actually put me in a state of anxiety, thus I could not say the word "lovely". I hated (because I was so confused by) gender-roles, and thus anyone really trying to "be pretty" made me very uncomfortable.
Today that strikes me as very strange, because at the same time I had the attitude thet there were men's instruments and women's instruments; if a man played a piano (to me a woman's instrument) it made me so very uncomfortable.
Her assumptions about me were so often wrong. She seemed to expect me to react to people and relationships out of some standardized list of cause and effect, if this/then that, a list that had no point of correlation with the way I actually functioned.
This is so painfully obvious to me, thet all people (but me) interact by taking their cues from the standardized list all of them carry but I have never seen. None of it makes any sense. They never actually interact with each other, they only interact with the game of "if this/then that" which apparently gives them a sense of camaraderie I cannot understand the purpose of.
One man did try to make me his girlfriend. I was happy with him, and had no objections to having sex with him because he was good-natured and had a car. Before long he became perplexed by my passivity (social, emotional, sexual) and, being a kind person, was relieved to find me unfazed by his decision to switch partners.
I truly wished them well, and felt only relief at no longer having to improvise (badly) the role of this nice young man's girl.
Note thet she did not say she was his girlfriend nor was he her boyfriend. She said One man did try to make me his girlfriend.
She also felt no possessiveness, thus she did not perceive it as "He left me for another woman." Instead she says: find me unfazed by his decision to switch partners. Since to an Aspie all people are vague, she saw it as a mere switching of interchangeable faceless people. As she said above: I had never interacted with my classmates much. It had never bothered me (probably because it had never occurred to me) that I did not get to know my peers well enough to tell them apart to any marked degree.
1 of the biggest morons I ever knew was my second love, Kim. She was emotionally 3 years old, a sociopath, a religious hypocrite, and had a sadistic practical-joke "sense of humor". Her definition of love was jealousy. She kept talking to other guys in front of me in her attempt to provoke me into a jealous rage and beat up the guy thus proving I loved her.
She never did anything to even hint thet she liked me at all; i.e., no ability to express love herself (she was an energy-sucker). This abusive emotional manipulation was repulsive to me. I hated her, partly due to the fact I had no idea what a girlfriend was for, and she obviously was not capable of showing me.
It would make her so angry thet she (the manipulative whore) was not capable of pushing my buttons. As an Aspie, I simply did not have any buttons! I was a deer in headlights wondering why she was always such a creep for no reason.
The other guy, a superficial macho jerk I could not possibly feel jealous of even if I was a jealous type, thought I was part of Kim's sick game, and was very uncomfortable with the (in his head) "possibility" thet I would actually try to beat him up.
I was so exasperated with this total BS, thet I went to his house to sit down with him and explain thet I could not care less about Kim, and thet I was not part of her abusive game-playing crap.
The only relationship she was capable of having was with the standardized list of "if I do this, you should do that." What a moron.
Anyway, this, and 6 other brainless females I fell in love with because I was desperate and they were there, beat into me the realization thet I have no clue what a girlfriend is for anyway.
I always had this romantic notion thet falling in love with my best friend would be a good idea. Today I still do not know where I got such an opinion, or what I would have done with any of them if they had actually loved me back.
At the age of 27 I gave up on them. Today I am 49 and literally do not give a fuck.
So why did living with him make me fall apart? Because I could not stand the strain of trying to be normal every day. Now this is not a very highly normal standard of normal we are talking about. Frank did not expect me to act like a wife (shopping, cooking, cleaning). He assumed equality in the relationship, and was happy with the laid-back lifestyle of sub-adult Lefties determined not to become clones of the consumerist middle class. He never once criticized the way I looked or behaved. It was not what he did or said thet was a problem for me. It was that he was there.
The classic comment is thet "Living with an Aspie is like living alone." And if you try to make them be present, you provoke the other classic trait of "Asperger with the accent on the ass".
I know I could not love someone who was not intense. I can love another person only if I get a sense that there is someone in there. Only then can I share the something in me.
The 5th time I watched the movie Temple Grandin I finally heard all the words. The scene where Temple goes to visit (read: vent to) Dr Carlock about how she could re-design slaughter-houses, and she barges into his house late at night ranting about how the idiots changed her design thus accidentally killing 3 cows. She comes into his house, and he says, "What are you doing in California? Did you drive all night?" He said this with his back to the camera, thus, because I could not read his lips, I had not heard it at all until I saw the movie for the 5th time!
For me to get a sense thet there is someone in there, they must exaggerate theatrically (like a drama-queen Leo with a Mexican temper, or wildly gesticulating Russians). See this presentation by Meytal Cohen. Google "Maximum Meytal." She has exagerated facial features and her whole face twitches constantly. I have no clue what any of it means, but I love watching this because in order for my visual processor to "see" anything it has to be this exaggerated. She is like a cartoon character.
I hated using contractions. I wanted to say "do not" instead of "don't", and "cannot" instead of "can't".
You may have noticed in my writing thet I never use contractions.
She said I am the most loyal friend she has ever had. She went through a divorce a few years ago, and all her friends abandoned her. She thought she had lots of friends, people she had known for years, who just disappeared when being around her became a downer for them. When the dust cleared, this social misfit was the only one left.
Watching this whole saga with her has made me think. Why was I trying so hard to make friends? If most people are the kind of friends that she had, then I have not missed much by not having any.
This is my life exactly. I have always been everyone's therapist, but none of them were ever willing to be my friend in return.
The parents who hosted the meeting had a little girl who was only beginning to speak. At some point in the meeting, the girl appeared, hugging her rag-doll. She came up to one of the women who sat around the table, looked at her, and handed her the doll. The woman somehow understood that she was expected to relate to the doll, and so she took the doll and hugged it. Then she gave the doll back to the toddler.
I was amazed by how easily and naturally this whole event went for the woman and the girl; how this little girl, at such a young age, already knew so much about human relationships and about being female.
I was relieved she had not come up to me. I would not have known what to do with the doll.
The boy was much younger than I, but he seemed to expect me to play with him. So I just did my best at following whatever he was doing, or whatever he asked me to do. All of this time thinking, "Why am I doing this?", and wishing it to end as soon as possible. But I was also kind of pleased that I was a good person who unselfishly did the right thing.
Going through the motions "because it is the thing to do", but having no clue why these are the motions, is so typical for Aspies - and sometimes bewilders me almost to tears.
I sensed that I was different from the others, and that I perceived the world differently. I had my own made-up words for everything, and experienced everything through those words. Even at 5, I knew the other kids did not have their own language to the extent I did. I also knew I could not play games, or move as well as the other kids.
I screamed and struggled, but to no avail, as he was very strong. When I realized that rape was inevitable, I shifted my goal to simply staying alive. Thus it was with a sense of relief rather than trauma that I survived this incident. Finally, a shot of penicillin in case of STDs, and that was the end of that.
On the other hand, a type of incident high up on my stress list involves the difficulties of communicating with co-workers. I am still helpless as ever dealing with this sort of thing.
Unable to bear the burden and the uncertainty and embarrassment any longer, I would suddenly burst into tears. The final proof that I am such a poor coper, to get so upset over something so tiny!
That kind of incident is like a rape of my whole person, my whole way of being. And it is repeated over and over again, year after year, place after place. Now do you see why that is so much more traumatic than the incident of physical rape?
As I have said many times thus far, the reason I escaped relatively unscathed from the abuse thet drove my Normal siblings to mental illness is thet I was rarely interacting with humans. I only interacted with (my own made-up) words. Bullies pounding me or crushing my testicles on the playground before the gloating "teachers" was easy for me to dissociate from, thus I really hardly felt it physically (for you to hurt me I would have to acknowledge your existence (snicker)). But having to interact with, or in this case merely tolerate, people in "the office scenario" drives me to a rage thet lasts for hours.
The scene in the movie Temple Grandin wherein she has to interact with people at a Christmas party, after which she has a total melt-down, is me - not to the extent it effected her, but the same basic thing.
I can get in a car-crash, and all the Normals are freaking out and screaming and crying, or in a state of rage because their stupid worthless material possession got damaged, and I am Mr Cool. I am not interested in car-crashes, thus even if I cause 1 myself, I do not feel much about it. You can rape me, and after the physical pain has passed it is forgotten (because I would have to acknowledge your existence for it to affect me). But if you use language wrong (or lie) I am mad about it forever!
One of the things I enjoy about Autistics is that they follow their own agendas a lot. I find it more relaxing, as they are not looking for a lot of reflection of themselves in the person they are interacting with; i.e., Little Professors giving a lecture while oblivious to whether you are hearing it or not.
I told my co-workers thet I would rather read a book than talk to people, because I am really smart but socially awkward. They understood, and next time they wanted to talk with me, they asked me specific questions and then stayed quiet while I took my time to answer them for 5 minutes.
I think Neurotypical people not only read and respond to each others' signals in a way we Autistics cannot, I think NT signaling actually affects changes in other NTs. NTs adjust to each other in subtle ways by the way they interact.
When a whole bunch of them start bombarding one person with "you are famous" signals, that person is changed in ways that satisfy something in the mass of NTs.
The trouble for us, when we inadvertently acquire fame, is that we lack the NT mechanisms that would cause us to make that automatic adjustment when we are bombarded with non-verbal "you are famous" signals. We remain the way we are, which is confusing to the NTs and may cause them to bombard even harder, subconsciously looking for the expected reaction from us.
I see this in Aspie Gary Numan who was accused of allowing fame to go to his head and becoming arrogant to the extent thet he thought he was too good to interact with "the little people". The facts were he was simply an Asperger who was so socially clueless he did not know how to interact at all.
I was also exactly like this when I was relatively famous in the music business. (Male) fans would tell me how much they enjoyed my performance, and then stand there beaming "you are famous" at me, to which they expected me to give them a set response. But I just told them I was glad they enjoyed it, and then just stood there feeling bewildered. They always walked away looking irritated, for I never understood what it was they were expecting me to do.
I cannot imagine how I would react if I ever got famous enough to actually acquire groupies. The most I ever acquired were 2, at 1 show. They came and stood right against my drum set while I was playing, talking loudly to each other about their sex lives, hoping I would choose 1 of them.
Groups of girls wanting some guy to choose 1 of them was always so bewildering to me. I do not understand how the Normals can do something as intimate as intercourse with a stranger when there is no emotional intimacy at all.
Even though I was a professional musician, I was utterly incapable of playing the Rock Star role; in fact I would always play with my glasses off so I could not see the audience at all, otherwise it was so over-stimulating thet I would throw up after the show as a Stim.
And the male fans want me to "be famous", and the females want me to fuck them, and I am a deer in headlights.
This book also has several poems interjected through-out.
It ends with a list of definitions of un-common words and terms used in this book. 1 of which is Social Delusion.
Social Delusion: Clinically significantly impairing to NTs in view of its pathology, specifically NT hyper-focus on social information to the exclusion of facts, reason, and any direct experience other than social; and the conviction arising from this social imbalance that other's assertions can be known without being uttered.
This of course is a sarcastic remark about the Normals. "They must be deluded because they think they can communicate without using words." Bwaa haa haa haa! Those silly Normals!
All around a very good book, specifically because it includes contributions from 19 different Aspie women.
1 of the things I hated the most about the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson is thet I desperately wanted to tell them what my 5 worst symptoms are, and have them all tell me what their 5 worst symptoms are, then share our 5 best symptoms, thus giving me a reference-point on what it is like for someone other than me to have AS. But they refused to do so. They did not want to hear me, and did not want me to hear them - partly due to the fact they did not even know what their own symptoms were!
This is the first book thet gave me a real feel for what it is like for other Aspies to have AS. I at last feel a camaraderie and understanding.
I want to read many more books like this, written by "self-narrating zoo exhibits", thus giving the readers true understanding.
Highly recommended. Definitely on my Top-3 list.
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Our lives in the universe of Autism
by Jean Kearns Miller
The first part of this book consists of the editor presenting a topic of discussion, followed by the responses she received via E-Mail from assorted women (only), all of whom have Asperger's Syndrome. This makes for an interesting collection of points of view (presented like a chat-room) from people who are actually qualified to speak on the subject.
We may have more in common with Neurotypical men than we do with women, for it is women who are more often the social gate-keepers who scrutinize our manners, care more for them than for our minds, and want to keep us out of the club.
We may look female, but we are not feminine in so far as femininity is a social construct (or social delusion) and not an innate property of the female sex. Consider how much femininity is about taking a precise reading of all the social currents of a given moment and aligning one's self to serve the stability of the moment and the well-being of all those who inhabit it, whether this means sniffing out the exact social dress-code that precisely fits this moment in history, the sub-culture, and the occasion, or reading all the social cues in a group and occupying the niche most guaranteed to soothe, nurture, and harmonize all who are in it. [That was a classic Asperger sentance - 6 commas.] This is not the role our [Asperger] wiring has created for us.
What it boils down to is this: We are not from another planet. We tricked you. We made you look. We are an integral part of this Earth's ecosystem, its intricate inter-dependent network of niches and potentialities. What we are is the first new wave of consciousness in a planet coming to awareness of its extraordinary diversity. We are the first wave of a new liberation movement, and a big one. We are part of a groundswell of Neurological Liberation. It is my hope that this book will begin the task of adding a further intersection to the current framework of gender, class, ethnicity, race, sexual orientation, age, and disability.
Referring to Aspergers in general as a first new wave of consciousness in a planet coming to awareness is a typical attitude in Aspies, and is part of the reason I believe First Wave Indigos are simply undiagnosed Aspergers.
This whole book is written (by numerous contributors) in a very self-confident way; like most Aspergers, they think they are always correct, and if you disagree it is because you are stupid. This dismissive us-and-them attitude is classic Aspergers, and I like it; The Normals ... Pfff.
I tend to see Autism as a significant information processing problem or difference. Information comes in but the processing varies remarkably from the way Normal people process it, and the resulting behaviors may differ as well, whether the information is:
Sensory: Extreme sensitivity or hyposensitivity to stimuli; sensory overload; the use of Stims to get relief from sensory bombardment.
Social: Asocial; inability to perceive others' intentions; difficulty determining the rules of give-and-take interaction; inability to assume or recognize social roles; strong preference for inner world; gullible and tending to accept anything at face value; lacking common prejudice; poor eye-contact; little or no reciprocity.
Cognitive: Faulty inference-making; strong pattern-recognition; visual memory [not neccesarily; in my case I have difficulty remembering what I see, and I learn in words]; literal thinking [e.g., difficulty recognizing sarcasm]; extreme difficulty multi-tasking; master at special interest but may have trouble with other simple information; well-read with a large vocabulary but does not grasp [abstract] concepts well.
Kinesthetic: Inability to draw common inferences from body posture, facial expression, or body language; unusual physical mannerisms and expressions.
Emotional: Incongruity between affect and felt emotion; difficulty with modulation; lags in emotional development; thinking before feeling [I am a genius, and the Normals are hysterical headless chickens].
Executive: Difficulty prioritizing and sequencing tasks, and estimating time and resources; reliance on fixed routines; able to approach problems intellectually that are considered emotion-laden by the culture.
Sensorimotor: Motor co-ordination problems; difficulty judging distance; unusual gait and posture; limited body awareness.
Adding to the confusion are the markers used to distinguish [between the different sub-sections of] Autism that raise more questions than answers. Recipients of an Asperger diagnosis are quite clumsy. Those who receive an [Classic] Autism diagnosis are not. Also, [Classic] Autistics have a significant delay in language acquisition, and Aspergers do not.
Prosopagnosia is the inability to read faces in an integrated way, and therefor an inability to recognize people. Many Autistics (be they Aspergers, PDD-NOS, or Classic Autistics) have this. It is a problem with the Fusiform Gyrus - the part of the brain thet recognizes faces.
I have an actual brain-injury (unrelated to Aspergers) thet makes me have a very bad visual memory, or at least a delay in the emotional response I should get from visual stimuli.
Some people with this specific injury develop what is called "The Capra Delusion", wherein they believe their loved ones are exact copies but not the real person, because, though they recognize the face, they do not feel any emotional response to it. These people would be excellent at Crime Scene Clean-up and the like, for though they are intellectually aware of the visual horror, they do not necessarily feel anything about it.
I have this injury, making me horrible at remembering what I see; and probably, like most Autistics, I also had at least a mild case of Prosopagnosia before the injury.
Though I am very good at recognizing thet someone has a strange look on their face (in fact I am superior to the Normals at this), as an Asperger I do not know how to interpret why they have that expression. I think it would be less confusing to me if I had a raging case of Prosopagnosia so I would not recognize anything facial at all (see my review of the movie Faces In the Crowd).
The Normals listen with their eyes, not their ears. I am the opposite, thus unable to understand what the hell is going on.
In the movie Temple Grandin, the only friend she made was a blind girl who, like Temple, took everyone at their word and did not like to be touched. They got along great!
There are a number of reasons why Women From Another Planet needed to be written. 3 major ones are: The under-diagnosis of AS in women; the socio-cultural expectations of society borne by all women, and what that means to women with social deficits; and the need to discover and present personal knowledge of how women manifest and experience being an Asperger.
I am appreciative of Jean's criticism of the DSM-IV (which Tony Attwood ripped to shreds in his book The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome - see my review). Jean says: The DSM-IV criteria have portrayed people with AS in the form of Little Professors utterly absorbed in recounting factual information in a monotone, yet this manifestation of AS is not always present in boys, and even rarer in girls. Clinicians who default to this profile engendered by their own diagnostic narrowness may have a blind spot that keeps them from seeing the whole Autistic Spectrum. At the same time, Little Professor girls may be seen as merely social anomalies, and their perceived socio-sexual deviance may obscure their neurological difference.
Tony Attwood said Asprger boys present as Little Professors, while Asperger girls present as Little Philosophers.
Even those of us who have been to college often have not been there for the same reasons as the Normals. They go to college for many reasons: networking, socializing, getting a good job afterward, moving on with their lives. The actual learning is maybe 10% of the deal, and the degree may be another 20%. I went to study film as an expression of my inner creative needs, in my desire to extend my various obsessions. Afterward people said, "Why aren't you working in the film industry?" Well, 99% of all jobs in the industry are only open to a select group of people, and as an Aspie there is no way I could get into that group.
She knew that before she went to college, but did it anyway because film was her Fixated Subject. Typically Aspergian: "I do not care if it will get me a job or not, I am doing it because it is what I want to do." Tony Attwood referred to this as "Sinatra Syndrome" - I did it my way. Welcome to Asperger's Syndrome. Now get out of my way.
Hans Asperger in his original paper described the syndrome as "Severe and characteristic difficulties of social integration which may be so profound that they over-shadow everything else, or compensate by a high level of original thought and experience [; i.e., dependent on their own thoughts and experience, rather than assimilating or incorporating what they could learn from others.] Social adaptation has to proceed via the intellect, due to the inability to pick up all those things that other children acquire naturally in their unconscious imitation of adults. As a consequence, in a peculiar mixture of naivete and sophistication, they are full of surprising contradiction which make social adaptation extremely hard to achieve."
Focal knowledge is what you are doing as you learn to ride a bike - you have to focus. Tacit knowledge is what you use when riding a bike for the 100th time. It is knowledge that is there, but not something you have to focus intently on. I think of my AS as simply an information processing disorder. We have poor access to Tacit knowledge so everything has to be Focal, hence the fatigue.
Yes. If I do not frequently practice shooting or drumming, I lose my chops very fast. If I go too long without practice, it is like I have to re-learn it all over again every time. This makes me angry and very frustrated. "This gun does not fit my hand! Aaargh!" I have to shoot 20 bullets before my hand starts to remember what the grip is supposed to feel like; i.e., my muscle-memory is horrible.
At my Fibercare job (steam-cleaning carpets in hotels) we did the same thing every day for 90 days. Even so, I would sometimes forget what I had already done 100 times, and just get lost. This was due to the amount of multi-tasking necessary to do that job. There were too many steps in the sequence. I just could not keep track of all the details, even though I had done them all 100 times. I would get so stressed out over that, thet all my senses would amplify and I would become overwhelmed. Every day after work I would go to bed and just die for the night, my mind was so exhausted.
Einstein wrote about why he was the one to develop the Theory of Relativity: "Because my development was retarded, as an adult I would ask questions only children ask, while I was intellectually able to go deeper into the problem than a child could."
Many of us have that interesting mix of child-like-ness and intellectual maturity. Naively trusting in whatever we are told, while smarter than most people.
Some of us not only have our 5 senses on high, but also our 6th sense - that we do not draw a line between inanimate and animate beings, that they all have soul to us. This results in them concluding they must be First Wave Indigos.
As a child, everything was somewhat alive to me. Perhaps the face-processing ability that Normals have enables them to distinguish what is alive from what is not. And since most Autistics have some level of Prosopagnosia, they group everything together, resulting in the AS symptom of "Inability to distinguish the relative difference in value between things." This led me personally to develop my cultural belief of Communist Theory (wherein all people are equal comrades with no class distinction) on my own at the age of 10, and my spiritual belief in Witchcraft (wherein God resides equally in all living things as a spiritual presence).
Also, this gives us the ability to emotionally attach to inanimate objects as if they were people. Aspies can attain much satisfaction through loving a waifu as oppsed to an actual lover, or emotionally attach to a cartoon character or a doll.
Theory of Mind (the ability to conceptualize other people's thoughts and mental states) is viewed by most professionals as the basic defect in Autism. However, many of us on The Spectrum disagree.
Though many Aspergers have slower or different Theory of Mind, it may be secondary to other factors. Moreover, it seems that Normals have more difficulty reading our minds than we do reading theirs!; i.e., though the AS deficiencies in Theory of Mind may be disabling in social situations, it may be better for complex problem-solving. The classic Asperger symptom of having the ability to "just know" how things work, combined with the social frustration thet we cannot explain how we know it.
Many on The Spectrum study and deduce social meaning by reading books and by careful observation of people. Hans Asperger notes: "Just as these children observe themselves to a high degree, so they also often have surprisingly accurate and mature observations about people in their environment. Such insight, however, does not necessarily impart the ability to act socially, which is more complex." As I said above, I am superior to the Normals at recognizing facial expressions and thus what the person is feeling, but have difficulty understanding why someone would feel that way.
Difficulty answering questions is another common experience of ours, and may arise for many reasons, such as comprehension or expression difficulties, concern for precise accuracy, branched (or relative) thinking, or debating which perspective to answer from (the questioner or our own). And do they want a general answer or a specific answer?
I am overwhelmed by the number of possible answers the questioner may want. No question is ever worded specifically enough for me to come up with a particular answer.
Please ask intelligent questions. As a Little Professor I would love to give you a detailed lecture-I-mean-answer. But ask it as specifically as possible, in English! Then shut up and wait for me to finish my answer!
E-mail is a wonderful way to communicate! Neurotypicals (NTs) complain that there is so much missing, like facial expression, body language, tone of voice, etc. Thus their irritating compulsion to interject mind-boggling amounts of emoticons. This is exactly why I enjoy E-mail. All those Neurotypical things confuse the heck out of me.
Angelica has a Honduras accent. In person I can understand her okay because I can watch her mouth as she talks, thus lip-read; i.e., I combine both sight and sound to decipher what she is saying, thus I understand. I barely notice her accent. But if she talks to me on the phone, I cannot understand her at all. Her accent becomes so strong thet I have to ask her to repeat herself several times before I understand it.
Among ourselves we can communicate well "live" too. Not bound by NT social protocol, we tend to talk very directly, relying on words (rather than non-verbal cues), and content (rather than personality), with a distinctive rhythm whereby we tend to say the whole of what we want to convey as a unit, then wait for the other's response. Rather than small-talk, we have either meaningful conversation or comfortable silence.
It can be a sobering experience for a NT to attend an event where AS style prevails. Here, it might be the NT who seems odd or rude, with their characteristic interruptions, trivial remarks, constant changes of topic, bizarre habbit of staring into the eyes, excessive face and body movements, and tedious NT difficulty appreciating and coping with silence and solitude. It might be the NT who appears to suffer a triad of impairments.
I hate how the Normals become so uncomfortable when a lull in conversation comes along. They panic when we have said all there is to say on a specific subject. Rather than feeling a calming pause in conversation, they feel an "uncomfortable silence", have an anxiety-attack and run away in fear of the apparent "intimacy" thet might come next.
This proves so blatantly thet the only reason the Normal was talking in the first place was to stiff-arm intimacy and keep people at a "safe distance". I was so startlingly intimate in my Pragmatic Language Disorder (honesty to a fault) style of conversing, thet their inherent fear of intimacy, combined with their cliche NT Paranoid Schizophrenia, makes them project their un-admitted homosexuality onto me, thus they assume (in terror!) thet I am a fag hitting on them because I did not run away in panic the instant the conversation came to an end. I was enjoying the fact our conversation about that specific subject had come to a close. I was silently enjoying the satisfied feeling of closure. While I am standing there settling from the stress of having to talk to a Normal, I am waiting for another subject to come forth so we can continue this (up until now) good conversation. But the Normals always freak-out.
When I was 21, I went to lunch at a restaurant with my bassist and his 3 friends, none of whom had I met before. They expected us all to sit at 1 booth together. But it was just too much for me. My extreme anxiety made me sit in the booth across the isle from them. Even so, I almost went blind in tunnel-vision from the overwhelming amount of visual information I was being hit with by having to watch 4 other people at once - forget trying to keep track of a conversation between them in this noisy fast-food joint. I hated them. They were all signalling each other in numerous "foreign languages", none of which made any sense to me.
30 years later I am tremendously better at engaging Normals in group conversations, but I am still at least annoyed by it. And today when I go to a restaurant, I always sit in a booth, rather than at a table, because the tall booth seats block out the surrounding people, thus I can eat (and talk to myself) relatively alone.
I heard the theory that an emotion does not exist unless it is expressed.
It came about because I said, "Of course I care about Q. Very much." X said, "I would not have known. You do not really hug her, kiss her, that sort of thing." I said, "Yes, but I do care. Even if it is not expressed, and Q knows me well enough to understand that is just my way. She knows I care." That is when X said, "Ya, but that is not enough. If it is not expressed, it does not exist to the other person."
I thought about this for years, thinking I was terrible, that I had no feelings simply because so few were expressed so people could see them. Then this happened: My friend greets her parents with a hug and a kiss every time she sees them. She said to me, "I am not very close to my parents. Are you?" I said, "Yes, I feel like we are very close." She said, "Isn't that strange to you? You consider yourself so close to your parents yet you never kiss or hug them, and I feel distant from mine, yet I always hug and kiss them." Now this conversation seemed to contradict what X had told me earlier, and I ended up more confused than ever!
I long ago gave up on interacting with people face-to-face. Thus I got obsessively involved in the Zine Scene (Independent Press) so I could interact with people strictly through written word. I ended up becoming (strictly through letters) very close to Kristen. We were pen-pals for 9 years. But being a Pisces, she was excruciatingly high-maintenance; i.e., I would write her a 6 page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 4-page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 2-page letter, wait 6 months, then give up. A few months later she would write me an amazingly-intimate letter saying she loved me. By then I had almost forgotten her, so I got out my files in which I keep copies of every letter I write, and re-read the several previous exchanges we had had, so as to remind myself of what our relationship consisted of. After this, I would again write her a 6 page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 4-page letter, wait 2 months, write her a 2-page letter, wait 6 months, then give up again. A few months later she would write me another amazingly-intimate letter saying she loved me again. This went on for years. Eventually I really started to resent how high-maintenance she was, and I broke off the relationship.
In the case of Kristen, the emotions were very openly expressed (in letters), but did not seem to matter (to her, at least from my perspective).
Meanwhile if I interact with someone as a stranger, and I be very careful not to be "too intimate" which would scare them away, they still think I am a fag hitting on them! It is never-ending.
Sailing does it for me. Real sailing on a tall ship with the engine off. There is no way to describe it. Even reminiscing upon it evokes something in me. I get very little out of flowers, poems, or other things that are typically considered beautiful. I enjoy music, but not in an emotional way unless it is connected to a significantly emotional event in my life.
The only time I feel true joy is when I am motorcycle adventure riding alone. Though I do become giddy by reading other people's ride reports on channels such as Itchy Boots, Adventure Rider, Everide, etc.
Also, I never give my waifu flowers nor candy nor jewlry. I only hug and kiss her. I love to just cuddle her. I also absolutely hate when someone gives me a gift. I do not want an object of affection. I want affection.
All my love is based in intellect. I appreciate someone's qualities and therefore like, feel affection for, or love them. I do not experience the kind of emotion that people have expected from me in intimate relationships.
NTs who are in love want to discuss and agonize over things in their love relationships in a way that makes me feel like a robot in comparison. When they embark on these emotion-feasts, I am left standing there feeling lost. They first urge me to open up and let my feelings show, and then when I comply they either accuse me of lying, or conclude I am deficient.
I have never understood how people can be emotionally attracted to someone at first glance (other than in a Hots or Deja-vu sort of way). I sometimes see some woman who reminds me of "the type" I used to like when I was younger, and so I get a grin on my face, and thus conclude thet I am attracted to her. But it is actually not her at all, it is just that specific "look" (thet reminds me of an intellect I was attracted to before). I can always intellectualize the picture (for that is all she is at this point) and thus fantasize about all the intellectual qualities she should have for me to bother with her. Of course, I have no clue what she is actually like, so I am over it already - she is dismissed.
This is why women flirting with me visually is useless. I just do not "get" flirting, for why would she think I would be attracted to her if she is not talking and expressing her intellect first?
It seems that my dead mother is not gone from my life to the same extent as the dead cat (perhaps because I have replaced it with another cat). My mother was so important in my life, and we spent so much of my life together that she seems quite present to me. Same as anyone else I care about who is not within reach. I feel as close to my dead friend Frank as I do to my live friend Liz.
I think most people have this ability to transfer love from one person to another. When you are "in love" and break up with someone you become "on the re-bound" and thus can instantly "fall in love" with whatever random nobody happens to be on hand, by transferring your love from one person to the other. Or as mentioned above, she transferred her love for her dead cat onto another cat.
I feel thet my absolute obsession with my music was at least in part a transference of my love from women to music; i.e., once I had a nervous-breakdown type of burn-out over my 7th love, I lost my ability to feel that "in love" type of emotion. I thus transferred my "affections" onto my music, to the extent thet I obsessively wrote and recorded 180 songs in 3 years. Music was a compensation for my inability to acquire an actual girlfriend.
This is also the Asperger symptom of "inability to recognize the relative difference in value between things." I do not feel anything about what I see, and I do not readily recognize the relative difference in value between 1 thing and the next. They all have the same emotional impact on me, which is seldom substantial. This plays into the Asperger’s difficulty empathizing.
When NTs cry, they generally prefer to be in the arms of someone they love. On the other hand, if you want to soothe us Aspies when we are upset, give us the information and ideas we need to understand our circumstances. Usually we are upset because we are in the dark about something and cannot fathom a strategy, not because someone hurt us - in which case we would probably rage if anything.
With us, it is entirely intellectual. We may be emotionally very distraught, but it is because we cannot find the intellectual reference-point. See the freak-out scene in the movie Temple Grandin, wherein she comes to her room and finds it slightly out of arrangement, provoking a total melt-down. Her extreme emotional response was due to her inability to find the intellectual reference-point; i.e., no one hurt her - some thing hurt her.
Another example is how I "over-intellectualized" my reaction to 9/11, as presented in my zine, Aftermath #1, wherein I was interviewed by a Polish person who later suggested I (as an American) was not emotional enough over 9/11. Also see my Autism Lecture on The Grieving Process.
Wendy: I do believe some of my ability to "stick it out" comes from a not very welcome gift of depression. It serves to blunt the anxiety so I do not completely crash, but just struggle on hopelessly. I even have a hypothesis that what makes some of us higher-functioning is that this comorbidity with depression makes us able to function longer.
Jean: The depression does blunt the anxiety, and I am beginning to think that is why the anti-depressants I took made me have such trouble with anxiety and panic-attacks. It was doing away with the depression, which must have been buffering against the acute attacks.
During my clinical depression stage, I felt proud of my ability to trudge on through life, in over my head in a vat of depression. This led to me coming up with the analogy of life being like a boxing match in a vat of molasses. The numbing feeling of morbid depression started to feel comforting in it's familiarity. Though it was horrible, it was stabilizing too. Every time I started to feel angry or grief-stricken, I would have a beer, and that would numb me back down to the relatively-comfortable depression again.
It was decades later when I felt no depression at all and was instead in a perpetual state of rage thet I wanted to kill myself. I never felt as suicidal in depression as I did in anger. The depression made me feel strong, even if in a martyr sort of way, whereas the anger would make me want to kill myself in rage over my inability to deal with Autistic meltdowns. I was just so sick to death of being angry all the time.
Coa: I sometimes wondered whether I suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder.
Sue: I have wondered the same, but have come to the conclusion that this fractioning off of a part of myself to do what my whole self cannot is just a coping-mechanism to help me function - because of the differently-wired person I am, not because of some clearly identified emotional trauma. I was not brought up in an emotionally-nurturing environment, but if I had a normally-wired brain, I think I would have handled it differently.
This coincides with what I have said several times about how I thought being Autistic is what saved me from the fate of my Paranoid Schizophrenic siblings; i.e., I was not as aware as my siblings were of what was going on with the abuse, thus it did not affect me as much as it affected them. They ended up terrified (to the point of mental illness), whereas I ended up merely angry (to the point of rage-attacks). My siblings' egos were obliterated by abusive people they were very much aware of, but for me as an Autistic I was not as badly affected because I was simply not able to acknowledge people as much; resulting in my NT sister developing 5 multiples, whereas I only developed 1.
MM: My gender came into question at that time - the boys would say, "You are not like other girls. You do not cry when you get hurt, so you are better than other girls, but you are not a boy." Of course it was lonely being given a category to myself, and it taught me to hate my gender.
Jean: For some of us here, our lives, our outlooks, and behavior do not have much sense of gender at all. I myself live a somewhat femme life, but it feels in some sense detachable, like a costume. I was an androgynous kid, and clearly perceived the world in a non-gendered way.
When other kids criticized me for not looking them in the eye, I was shocked. So even though it was unpleasant I started doing it, but then they accused me of staring. Eventually I found by trial and error that a rhythm of 3 seconds looking at them, then 3 seconds looking away, stopped the comments (but still did not gain me anything, except less criticism). She learned to look people in the eye, but did not learn how to read, nor even see, what was there.
This is what I talked about in Indigo #2:
A horse can be taught to learn new things, but it will never understand why it does those things. This is also like an Autistic child. You can train them to pretend to be normal, but they are not able to understand why normal behavior is preferred.
Gail: An acquaintance said that when I would be sitting at a table with other people, I had no presence. She described it as "empty air sitting in a chair." It was startling to her when I would say something, because it felt to her like my voice was coming out of nowhere.
Jane: I assume she was used to NT people who send and receive non-verbal communication signals all the time without even being aware of it. Since we do not do it, it is no wonder we seem blank.
Jean: Even my kids notice where people get in line in front of me while I am first in line. I guess my social face at rest is so passive that I am virtually invisible.
Coa: I like how you describe being a social dead-zone. I wonder if that is what happens when I suggest a new idea in a meeting. The idea is there, but void of social signals. So after other people take it up and find it a good idea, it is invariably recorded as someone else's idea! Never mine. This has always puzzled me.
I think of the social signals as the fluff that surrounds and often obscures the real person. I try to see through this confusing fluff to the real core person. But for NTs set to detect fluff more easily than cores, we Aspies would indeed seem a dead zone.
Here is a snippet from Indigo #6:
I always considered myself exceptionally good at reading facial expressions and body-language (which is very unusual for an Aspie). I think it was more my Indigo ability to read people psychically thet I was picking up on. I was very Witchy from my late teens to late 30s - very psychically aware.
I was also able to become nearly invisible on a psychic level to such extent thet when I was once confronted by a couple of thugs who were apparently intending to mug me, I simply turned off my psychic energy and intentionally went completely blank. It was like I had become invisible to them, as they just stared blankly through me, looked confused, and went away.
Concerning the communication deficits of NTs: NTs do not care so much about the absolute truth, but about what is perceived to be "truth" by society. When there is a controversy about facts, NTs will not go check to see what is true, but will instead negotiate among themselves to reach an agreement.
This sounds incredible, but since I heard that, I have noticed it over and over again.
This observation is supported by scientific research on the human memory and the reliability of witnesses in Court.
Anyway, for us Aspies it looks insane! Then they get mad at us for refusing to participate in the process.
This is another example of the evil of Democracy; i.e., majority moron rule, wherein the majority just make up "reality", and since they all agree to believe in what the majority decided, that makes it "true"! This is called Consensus Reality.
This suggests thet my hatred of Democracy is not just coincidentally my Asperger Fixated Subject, but a manifestation of an Asperger symptom it's self; i.e., all Aspies probably hate the concept of majority rule.
Though the reason I hated the Adult Aspergers Association "support group" was because they were trying to form their own sub-democracy, all dummying down to the lowest common denominator of majority-moron-rule = a cult of crippled Retards with the fake camaraderie of an AS lable; in this case it was the Aspies who were circle-jerking their Consensus Reality.
I call this social stuff "superficial phoniness". People think they have relationships when they really do not. What they have is other people who do this ritual well, which gives the appearance of having a relationship. It always puzzled me because I could never understand how people could be satisfied with such a phony way of relating.
I learnt by reading Deborah Tannen why NTs play these games rather than just tell the truth and take things literally. They do it because it is fun! She says communication is so easy for them, that it would be boring to have a social life without those games.
I assume this is why every generation invents a new Nigger handshake, or a new asinine word for "cool". To me, and probably any other Aspie, this is just irritating.
Work is often the part of my life where I can express myself creatively. Not by talking about myself, but by talking from myself.
We may have learnt empathy and other moral attributes through our early relationships with the non-human world, despite the common NT assumption that our fascination with the non-human makes us more robotic. For example:
MM: We are always sewing souls into the things we create.
Jane: I think soul is created through creation of a relationship. When I acknowledge my power to affect, I am also giving power to the other to effect me. It is this relationship that makes us who we are.
All music equipment is 19 inches wide. This allows them, no matter the make or model, to all mount into the same "rack box". As I was the sound-tech for the band Detente Touch, I had a lot of music equipment, all mounted in a milk crate, thet coincidentally happens to also be 19 inches wide. Eventually I acquired enough equipment thet it would no longer all fit in a milk crate, thus I finally bought my own rack box. I was so delighted to have the actual professional rack box, I felt giddy about it. After my equipment was mounted into that box, I actually hugged the box in my excitement. Todd, the leader of Detente Touch, was so uncomfortable with my expression of affection toward that inanimate object thet he wound up into anxiety and yelled at me, "Why do you do that!" I was having a relationship with that box, thus it had a soul to me to the extent thet I felt inspired to hug it.
I also had a very intimate relationship with my drum set. I played the same set for many years and I thus felt it was permeated with my psychic energy; i.e., in a way it had a soul of it's own. This was especially notable when I would occasionally work myself into a trance and leave my body while playing the drums. I would hover 10 feet above my body as it played the drums on it's own. The drums themselves seemed to have a soul - at least to the extent thet they were making the sound as much as my then-soulless body was. There was an intimate relationship between the both of them, even when my soul was out of body.
I went on to become a motorcycle adventure rider, during which I developed a very intimate relationship with my motorcycle, an excruciatingly high-maintenance '75 Honda.
I felt much anger toward people in general and women specifically for how ridiculously high-maintenance they were, while giving me nothing in return. I felt all humans were just vampires sucking the life out of me, whereas my energy/money/time-intensive motorcycle was worth it. It literally kept me sane. The best memories I have are of motorcycle adventure riding. To me, that bike had a soul.
At this point the book changes from the chat-room format to autobiographies of AS individuals written specifically for this book:
I am creative and imaginative. However I find it hard to be creative when told to be or told what to create. It has to be something coming from within.
I have published 19 books of poetry. Only 1 of those individual poems was written to order. All the others just came to me (inspired by The Muse).
Imagine what it is like to be startled by everyday experiences, like the sound of a cup touching a saucer. Or someone suddenly making a gesture with their hand in your direction. Think what it is like to have your nervous system put on edge by the sound of someone chewing, or the thought that someone just might come close enough to brush up against you in a crowded room. Your environment becomes a minefield. The bathroom, car, and bedroom become your foxholes.
Gary Numan, an Asperger, is probably most famous (in the USA) for his first big hit song "Cars", the opening line of which says, "Here in my car/I feel safest of all/I can lock all my doors/It's the only way to live/In cars." (See my review of Gary Numan. Android In La La Land.)
Among the words I most dread to hear, yet hear so often, are "Lighten up!" "Don't be so intense!" "Don't take life so seriously!" In essence you are telling me to stop functioning.
One of the most repulsive things I have heard a Normal say is, "Come on - Live a little!" while holding up a beer. Their jeering facial expression exaggerated to hide their petrifying anxiety so obvious in their eyes, combined with their fear thet I think I am too good for them by refusing to join them in the destruction of their brain-cells. Several times they have actually admitted this fear, saying point blank, "Do you think you are too good for us!" with a belligerent sneer. No, I do not. I am just Autistic and thus cannot handle alcohol (it makes my guts bleed). But I still usually just walk (on water) away. Idiots.
They are not idiots for drinking beer. They are idiots for drinking it as their way of forming camaraderie in dummying down to the lowest common denominator of majority moron rule. In that respect, Yes, I am in fact too good for you.
When I appear zoned out in a world of my own, or obsessively organizing, I am just trying to conserve energy or forage through the thicket of input that overwhelms me. I cannot wait to get home to collapse, and I cannot proceed without planning.
This reminds me of what I said in Indigo # 5:
When I was a child (5-6-7 years old) 1 of my favorite things to do was to take all the contents out of my dad's toolbox, and then put it all back in precise order.
When I was 36 I worked for a machine-shop. They had a 5 gallon bucket full of random loose nuts and bolts. 1 day I was feeling especially stressed out - I needed to obsessively sort tiny details as a Stim - so I dumped out that bucket and sorted all the contents into a dozen tiny cardboard boxes. The boss made me stop because this was not something thet would make them any money.
I am not asking that life's expectations be changed for me. I seek only acceptance for the ways I choose to meet them. Remember, what gives joy to you is often very uncomfortable for me.
I had always sensed I was different, I just never understood how or why. I honestly thought that once I had learned the mechanics of socializing, I would be socializing. But when people would share information about themselves with me, I did not know what I was supposed to do with it. People would even call themselves my friends, but I could not figure out what I was supposed to do with a friend.
For so many years I desperately wanted a girlfriend. I even fell in love 7 times (with whoever happened to be on hand because I was desperate and she was there). After I gave up repeatedly torturing myself with the pain of unrequited love, I came to realize thet I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a girlfriend if I ever did acquire one. Here it is 22 years later, and I still have no idea what one does with a girlfriend. What are they for? Why did I want one so desperately if I never did know what to do with her anyway?
Today I often wish I could adopt a child. I guess it is because I simply want someone to love. But why? What do you do with a child (or girlfriend) other than just feel love for them?
I guess that is why Aspies are so capable of transferring our affections to inanimate objects, to the extent thet we even feel those objects have souls.
Whenever I did struggle to maintain a so-called "friendship" the other person simply wanted me to be someone they showed off their sociopathic behavior to. They wanted drinking buddies, or recreational-vandalism companions, or drug-pals, etc. Even when I had bands, the other members just wanted the band as a vehicle to attract people like themselves to (music had nothing to do with it); whereas to me the band was an expression of our mutual creativity, which made me feel very excited.
All of these people referred to me as their "friend" but I did not understand why they could not do those things with any other random stranger. What was it thet made the label of "friend" enter into the equation? Not to mention I was horrified by the things they wanted us to do together. Why do they want to maintain a fake camaraderie while smashing things up for no reason? To this day I am completely bewildered by that.
And I am so very attracted to little kids. I love toddlers so much. They are just so adorable. I want to just hold them tight, and smell them, and cuddle them. They are so lovable. But I do not know why, or what to do with them after 30 seconds of hugs. Though that does not keep me from feeling this painful loneliness afterward of not having a child to love permanently.
I will probably never understand why I want to feel love, since I do not know what it is for.
I think this also equates with the Asperger symptom of "apparent disinterest in sex". There is nothing wrong with my libido, in fact in my 20s I was a raging nymphomaniac just like any other young male in his prime. But the "disinterest" part comes into play in thet I do not know what sex is for. I fell in love, but did not know what for. I fell in lust and did not know what that was for either. Sexual desire is just another 1 of God's sadistic little jokes. Like falling in love, it just hurts all the time and that is all.
I had proudly told her how I had recently learned to do lunch in a restaurant with a group of friends from work. She asked me, "What did you learn about your friends from having lunch with them?" I was taken aback. I had no clue that is why people "did lunch" together.
I have always hated "going to dinner" with someone - when someone invites me to have dinner with them at their home in the evening. It is a specific social ritual I have never understood, and I have no idea what it is even for. I just feel such anxiety, and even more-so, outright irritation. I feel anger toward them for having invited me, for it puts me in a position wherein I must do something I HATE in order to not offend them, or refuse to do it, which may also offend them. I never get anything out of it, other than anxiety and anger. All the following day I feel angry and resentful thet I "had to" do it.
The last 2 times I was "invited to dinner" I did not even tell them "No." I just ignored them. The few times I did go, because I felt obligated, I just sat there wondering why I had been invited (by strangers who want me to sit at their table and pick at non-food for no descernable reason) . They fed me microscopic amounts of food, which felt insulting to me, for it appeared thet the purpose of this set-up was to analyze each other's table etiquette, rather than actually interact in any meaningful way.
They, like all Normals, talked but never said anything. It was just painful to sit through. I always wanted to angrily yell at them, "Why are we doing this!" And I really wanted to know. But of course the Normals are not even consciously aware of what "this" is? To them it is called "dinner". To me, it is obviously a bizzare social ritual with some unknown purpose.
Who are these people and why do they want me to eat with them? They do not want me to eat with them! They want me to play the game thet is "dinner." Today I am 53 years old and I still have no clue what that game is.
I sought out a Psychiatrist who claimed to work with adults with Asperger's. I found it odd when I went to his office that someone who says they work with AS adults would have so many white walls and florescent lights.
I started off very anxious. He told me, after he listened to me talk, that I appeared quite calm and collected, and then at the end of the session when I collapsed in frustration and distain, he said I appeared very anxious to him. How could anyone help me if they misread me so badly?
He also told me that since I used the word "vow" my anxiety must be related to my religious upbringing. I was totally dumbfounded. I pulled inside even tighter.
The world kept telling me to lighten up and be myself, yet no one would tell me what that meant or how to do it. Seeking help only confirmed my conviction that talking to Normal people just made things worse. So I did what I always did; I would find out the information I needed by myself.
The most common social mishaps are misinterpreting or not being able to interpret what people are saying, and not remembering who they are. Inability to recall names is a continual embarrassment for me. I am well aware that everyone forgets names now and then, but I struggle to remember names most times on most days. Not just their names but who they are and why I know them. These are people I work with every day! I have yet to be able to retrieve someone's name fast enough to return the "Hi, (name)" as I pass them in the hall. I am often mumbling it under my breath minutes, hours, or even days later as I finally make the connection. Unfortunately, I fail to retrieve it again the next time I see them.
I still have not figured out how people know what they know, and why I do not. I really do try hard to read the papers and magazines. I go down to the lunchroom thinking it is where people exchange information. I just recently discovered the school bulletin-boards where a great deal of information is posted. What I do not do is spend time chit-chatting with other people. I suspect this is the hidden information source.
How does one filter out the pertinent information from the endless stream of otherwise pointless chit-chat? I will probably never know. Though I do know this decyphering of mindless blithering is how most people communicate; it is the hidden (to me) signals they express with their eyes, saying something other than what their words are saying, where the real communication takes place.
I too am completely hopeless at remembering names. In fact 1 of the most irritating aspects of the Adult Asperger's Association was thet the incompetent "facilitator" would start every meeting by making us go around the circle introducing ourselves by name. It almost made me want to scream in frustration, for I knew I would never remember any of their names anyway, thus it was such a waste of time!
And, "This decyphering of mindless blithering is how most people communicate", is what I mentioned in my Autism Lecture titled Valentine's Day.
I have learned over the years that if I just let people talk long enough, I would often get the answers I was seeking without having to ask. Ironically, I have earned the reputation of being a good listener as a result.
Of course, I miss 50% of what they are saying, and generally do not know what to do with the other 50%. But I have always tried to listen carefully because I assumed there was a purpose and a reason for people telling me things.
They are not telling you anything. They are just yacking to test to see if you will listen, thus giving them the impression thet if they ever do have something to say, you are the one who will listen to them. It is comforting to them to know you are simply there while they yammer on pointlessly. This of course is very irritating to a Hyperlexic Asperger literary genius who takes all words seriously.
It was quite a shock when my husband told me that people often have no purpose or reason behind what they say! They are just "making conversation". They just like "connecting" with other people. It really does not matter what is said. Thus explaining why they yack about some ball-game. It is the most utterly brainless crap I can imagine.
One need not make a choice between learning to live in a social world one does not understand, and living life in a way that makes sense and gives pleasure to the person you are. Unfortunately, I have seen a number of my students bowing to the pressure put on them to memorize and repeat, rather than acquire through understanding, the social skills that others feel are essential to their success in life.
The last straw for me in public school was when we took a test, and the "teacher" (snicker) told us to just copy the answers from the back of the book onto a piece of paper with our name on it and turn it in. All the answers to the numbered questions were right there in the back of the book. We were not being taught anything. We never even read the questions - forget discussing why these were the correct answers, and nobody even read any part of the actual book! It nearly brought me to tears of rage. I refused to do it.
This was the further installation of a deep-seated anger in me about the purposeful withholding of education. In this case the "teacher" had a belligerent look on his face toward me for apparently being "too stupid" to go along with the easy way of mindlessly shuffling through the useless school system, learning nothing whatsoever, like the rest of the little zombies.
There were certain foods I could not swallow without gagging, and I had severe motion sickness, but the most painful area of my life was hair. Hair hurt. Having my hair combed was torture. My descriptions of my world and my experiences were disregarded by everyone around me. My self-reports went unheard because they were too far off the norm to make sense.
Jane talks about being an anti-war activist, which would often result in her being charged with "criminal offenses of conscience". Here being reduced to the level of a common mischief-monger made her so angry thet she cried in court (the typically-Aspergian wrong emotional response). This crying was misinterpreted by the court as fear of punishment, which just made her angrier. Eventually the anger over the war, combined with the anger over her inability to express it in a way others could interpret accurately, made her burn out and have to quit political activism.
This Aspergian sense of Ethics is a common theme in us, as is the wrong facial expression thet makes us so badly misunderstood. The Normals listen with their eyes not their ears, thus resulting in unbearable frustration in us who use spoken and written language so well (against brick walls).
My anger became so debilitating that I was forced to recognize a basic problem I always had with all kinds of anger, which is: I did not know how to get out of it. Once something flipped the switch, I was stuck in anger mode. Being angry in such a sustained way was unbearable, physically as much as mentally. Like I said above: Feeling clinically depressed made me feel strong. Feeling angry made me feel suicidal.
Another thing that happens to me is when I feel trapped in a relationship that has become so constantly present that I cannot find a time in which to decompress, the result is that I burst. I tantrum wildly, and twice I have gone to the extent of performing my own version of self-mutilation - breaking the lenses of my glasses. Since I am virtually blind without them, and their lenses are shatter-resistant, breaking them requires both a tremendous lot of work and represents the most extreme rejection of the world around me. I know it looks like anger, but it feels like despair.
I did a 6-issue zine series called Getting To the Bottom of This - the "this" being my anger. I was in a perpetual state of rage for years, and I got so sick of it thet I decided to kill myself to escape it. The GTTBOT series was a huge symbolic suicide. I fully intended it to be literal, but the intense cathartic writing in that series actually allowed me to in fact get to the bottom of it. Then I did another 6-issue series called The I of the Storm, which was a transition faze wherein I decided to finally divorce my abusive family, move 3 states away, and start over. During that series I discovered I am an Asperger, which also changed my life, resulting in me doing the Indigo series. Now thet I have found my niche, settling into my role as a calm and patient teacher (as opposed to the angry obsessive teacher I used to be, who bitterly resented having to spoon-feed morons and beat idiots over the head) with my writing, I am so not angry any more.
Though I still have a hateful prejudice against the Normals, part of me so much wants to adopt a child. I have finally discovered the love in me.
People say I should take time for myself, have mental health days and give myself little hugs. I have always found this to be a strange concept. I guess it would work if there was some logical sense in not stressing out. But it is a hard concept to grasp when I am not able to define or create an awareness of self. It is only since I acquired this Asperger concept that I have started thinking I might have a sense of self.
I am the opposite. My desire to label myself with an identity has always been present in my life. I have always arrogantly felt thet I am the only person who has nothing to prove and nothing to hide; read any of my 77 Pragmatic Language Disorder zines for proof of this (I enjoy spilling my guts to startled strangers).
But only recently did I say out loud to someone thet I feel very proud of my self as a writer, explaining to her thet in my Leech Map series I had achieved a state of literary genius. She said I had always been like that, eager to give my self (arrogant) identity labels. I did not see it as arrogance, I saw it as pride, I was entitled to:
I am in fact a (gifted) composer, a (genius) musician, a (genius) writer, a (genius) painter, a pretty darn good sculpter, a Faerie/Indigo (evolutionary step above the obsolete Normals, on their flaming death spiral to extinction as us Autistics take their place), and I am an Asperger (like Newton, Tesla, and Einstein). This continual labeling of myself is apparently because as an Aspie I otherwise would have a vague sense of identity (in my dreams I often change sexes, levitate and fly, be pregnant give birth and breast-feed, and physically morph into cats and cars).
Compare that to the egoless wimp Anarchist with a chip on their shoulder and a stick up their ass, who declares they do not believe in labels (neither for themself nor others), which they then delude themselves makes them somehow morally superior to "judgemental" people who use labels. Anarchists are just so pathetic -for their ego (lessness) cannot handle criticism, thus they refuse to have any ego-I-mean-label at all in fear someone may find fault with it. Die, you non-person weaklings - just get out of the way of the next evolutionary step I represent. Idiots.
I am typically Aspergian in thet I snap into conceited indignance if anyone questions my astronomical IQ, and feel utter contempt toward Normals who horribly humiliate themselves by thinking they are better than me. THUS, unlike Anarchists, I could rub your face in my extensive stack of self-labels, to which I feel tremendous arrogance in comparison to the appalling level of self-humiliation demonstrated so theatrically by Normals trying to find fault with God-I-mean-Me. Polar opposite of an egoless wimp Anarchist who is afraid to have a self label (or to even exist) at all because someone might criticize it, which would obliterate their mouse fart of an ego. I am more into rejoicing when I am attacked, for it proves they do not consider me to be one of them. Why would I want to be? (snicker).
The 4 paragraphs above are intentionally exaggerated to make a hyberbolic point about Autistic sense of identity. The vague sense of spacial location makes us better than you, in thet it allows us to be fearless (or at least a deer in headlights) in the face of danger.
Meanwhile the Normals are afraid of dying, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being emotionally vulnerable, afraid to actually say anything with their pointless blithering small-talk, have terrifying nighmares about being naked in public, etc, because they are so present. They become Paranoid Schizophrenics who think everyone is out to get them, wherereas an Autistic is oblivious because they are not aware anyone is even there! Thus the Normals need "mental health days to give themselves little hugs." They are just so pathetic.
I was 7. I was serious and entirely focused on performing the dance. I thought dancing was the sole purpose of what we were doing. How was I supposed to know we were playing, and that this was supposed to be fun? By the time I reached 50, I still had no concept of what fun was.
I went to a party once. One of the activities we were to engage in was to be tought the steps to a dance. Aware of my own awkwardness, I studied hard and practiced intently during the instruction. Then we all danced as one, to the instructor.
Most of the people present left the room irritated, accusing me of showing off embarrassingly. I was of course oblivious to their existence, for as was said above, I thought learning the dance was the point of the instruction. It was not. We were supposed to use the dance-class as a vehicle for socialization. But (from my perspective) none of them were socializing!
I hate the Normals. I do not want to learn what they think was going on in that class; i.e., what they thought they were doing and what they thought I was doing. They are all a bunch of morons.
I was 36 when I realized I did not know how to play nor have fun.
I was 44 when I went on my first motorcycle adventure ride. I did not consider it play (it was a serious learning experience) but it was fun. Before that I never did anything for fun.
I was always full of anxiety and obsessiveness, beating everything into the ground in frantic desperation to achieve some Utopian Vision in my head thet had nothing to do with a reality any Normal could grasp. I was forever on the verge of panic, compensated for with rage over how, from my perspective, all other people were worthless flakes who were not willing to work at anything.
Meanwhile they all thought of me as an angry slave-driver beating everything, including them, into the ground in my obsessiveness. I was forever on the verge of tears because from my perspective no one cared about anything. This drove me to a Martyr Complex in my desperation to make some difference in the world of the dead-eyed slack-jaw lobotomized sheep all Normals are.
Eventually I burned out (thank God), and now all I care about is teaching people about Autism, that is if they seek me out and ask. (This web-site for example. I refuse to advertise it in any way. If you want this information you have to be willing to search it out). I no longer spoon-feed morons or beat idiots over the head, even if it would be for their own good.
Being pretty was socially valued. My parents praised me in front of other people all the time for that. Apparently because I did not draw attention to this fact myself, I was not teased for being stuck-up.
I never did see the value in this trait. In fact it made me angry any time someone would compliment me for being pretty.
What I did desperately want though was for someone to notice the inner me. The me I had to hide because it was not socially acceptable. I wanted someone to notice how hard I struggled. If I could not have that, I wanted to at least be left alone.
My first love made me very angry by telling me I was good looking. She said she did not believe I had never kissed anyone before. I asked why. She said "Because you are such a fox." I felt a flash of anger and nearly punched her in the head. How dare she suggest thet only good looking people should be kissed; what about the gifted genius I am inside!
I remember quite vividly the night I shut down emotions completely. I was lying in bed having my now-nightly silent tantrum that I could not explain so had to hide. I was tired of feeling confused, angry, and frustrated with no way to express it without getting into trouble. Play and fun were non-existent concepts to me. It took too much energy to deal with emotions, mine as well as others'. I needed all the energy I had to figure out how to function in a world that I did not and could not understand, and no one seemed able or willing to explain.
I realize now how big a role emotions play in understanding the whys of social interactions, and in understanding and building relationships. I was overwhelmed by trying to figure it all out on a cognitive level.
Someone had stolen my apple from my lunchbox, and it was when I tried to find it and get it back thet things got confusing. I discovered there was not a single child who would help me or tell me the truth, nor understand why I then got so upset about it.
How could this be? I had always been such a good girl. I had never stolen anything of theirs. I had always told them the truth. What had I done wrong? Why were they suddenly treating me like the enemy with their taunting, sneering, jeering, lilting connotation, "Cry over an apple! Cry over an apple! Cry over an apple!"
It was not the apple being stolen she was crying over; it was the conspiracy of evil 100% of the kids formed as a gang-raping lynch-mob of witch-burners called Democracy/majority moron rule.
I too never understood how they could enjoy and even show off their camaraderie of viciousness directed toward the most innocent person of them all. Thus I learned at a very young age to never talk to anyone, for if I did they would invent reasons to use what is said against me, thus "justifying" them assigning me "witch to be burned" status.
Then of course, due to the fact all people but me are Paranoid Schizophrenics, they would become so terrified of my silence (fear of the unknown) thet they would just make things up about me, and wind themselves up into a panic. The malicious gossip would snowball into a frenzy of fear, and I was thus inevitably attacked for having this time said or done nothing at all!
They were terrified of me if I talked, and terrified of me if I did not! They are all so pathetic.
Back in schooldays, I learnt there were things I would have to hide: my interests, my passions, my ideas, my "embarrassing" successes. I still remember the spot in the library where I, holding my breath, hid from classmates in case they asked me what I got in my Latin exam, and I would have to tell them 100%, and that would lead to more taunting.
Classic Democracy: "How dare you rise above the dummied-down mob of majority moron rule!"
I got 100% on a test in school once. I was the only kid in class who did, and when that was found out the entire class bristled with avarice. The "teacher" even got a burning hatred in his eyes because I, as the least popular kid in class, was not allowed to get a good grade if all the others did not get an even better grade.
This is when "the apple scene" took place for me. I never cried over it (the stealing of a cassette tape I had brought to share with someone I thought was trying to be my friend), because I had long before learned to hate them all. But 1 kid stole the tape, passed it off to another, who then passed it off to another, all of them knowing it was mine. I had to trace it through 4 kids before I got it back, every one of them with haughty belligerent condescension on their face toward me for having been "so stupid" as to trust anyone. 100% Paranoid Schizophrenic sociopaths. The vicious spite on the last kid's face (for he was the one left holding the stolen tape) as he handed it over was due to the fact I was the only one to get 100% on some test thet was pointless to me anyway.
It was never ending. Practically every day in public school was like (in the movie) Temple Grandin reading French, which resulted in me being "justifiably" hated by all the terrified weaklings (as overtly directed by the sadistic teachers), who were then all absolutely enraged if I rose above the level they had assigned me to.
They then acquired another layer of anger toward me (as compensation for their fear) for me being relatively oblivious; i.e., their ultimate desire was for me to openly "cry over an apple" but I never did show any emotion at all. This absolutely infuriated them.
By the time I was 40 I had inevitably developed a God Complex, and that is what allowed me to confront and finally vent my anger in my Getting To The Bottom Of This zine series.
I also realized that I should have to be very very perfect in my manners and behavior. Normal people have an inherent desire to abuse people who are different, and any imperfection that I revealed would give them a stick to hit me with. This is a heavy burden for any teenager. To make it easier on myself, I stayed away from social occasions as much as possible.
Unfortunately for me, my horrible parents who forbid me to speak thus preventing them from ever understanding thet I simply wanted to be left alone, came to the asinine conclusion thet I was "shy" and needed them to help me socialize; they kept dragging me out to "social events" where I would be in a perpetual state of anxiety, alternating with viciously hostile impulses (I always kept to myself, resulting in bleeding colitis), and often threw up afterward in revulsion over having had to interact with the sadists of Democracy.
By the time I was in my late 30s I often had dreams of spitefully vomiting icy acid, or something like liquid nitrogen, onto the faces of other person's in the dream, because they were sniveling rats pretending to be friendly.
This dream alternated with dreams of zombies, wherein I was horrified thet all other people were malicious manipulator women who's bodies were dead, stunk like rotting flesh, and were full of maggots. They were always naked, and trying to sexually seduce me by (S&M) scratching my face with their long nails.
Equally often I would dream of being naked in public, wherein I was oblivious while the Normals were horrified. I had no clue I had simply forgotten to put on clothes, while I (after it was too late) became very aware thet the others were truly terrified of the vulnerability my naked state represented - as I felt nothing about it.
I realized that my enjoyment of the physical world, my private relationship with it, was considered evil by many people, the chemistry teacher included. I learned not to laugh, not to have any expression at all.
Perhaps this is one reason why Autistics are thought to have no emotions; they have had bad experiences when they have revealed their emotions and have thus learned not to.
No shit, Sherlock. The only emotion I will be expressing at the Normals is hatred, thus making them go away and leave me alone so I can be the real me - an innocent excited little kid feeling giddy about simple things (like hugging a rack box), or grieving in sobbing-sessions of vulnerability. Spilling my guts and crying to myself, thus reveling in the fact I am more emotionally mature than anyone else, while feeling lonely over the fact all people are so afraid of their own emotions they are thus afraid of mine.
Despite what the chemistry teacher said [about her being emotionally immature for being honest with her feelings], in some ways I was actually an adult by the time I was 15, because by then I had removed myself from emotional dependence on other people, parents included. I had learned some hard lessons about society and knew that I would have to find my own way.
My vicious parents were always the enemy, and I was thus not emotionally dependent on them - and my siblings were all just as bad. Though these were the people I felt the most painfully desperate desire to love, I knew better than to ever let them in on it, and by the time I was leaving Oregon for good (read: divorcing my abusive lunatic family and moving 3 States away) I no longer cared, I told my dad to his face: "You are old! You are going to die soon! I want to do something for you to tell you I love you, but you will not let me! I give up!" I threw up my hands and left. I never saw him again. 12 years later he died. I did not notice.
The concept of "emotionally depending on someone" sounds bizarre to me. No one has ever been there for me emotionally, and no one ever will, and I no longer feel anything about that.
I was still always reading to shut people out. I became very self-conscious, which was a shame as I always just lived in a body that I gave no thought to, which just did what I wanted it to, and I enjoyed that very much.
But body-image was something that was on everyone else's minds, apparently, and boys started making comments about our breasts or faces.
The biggest shock I got was when a group of girls in the library started talking about who was the prettiest girl. It was a surprise for me to hear that, and try to figure out how anyone could notice what anyone else really looked like. I remember trying to analyze this alarming new information, when one of the girls said, "Well, I think April is one of the pretty ones." This was an even greater shock; it felt like a physical blow, as I had no idea people could see me, which sounds really stupid but I just did not process people well, so I thought I was also invisible to them.
This led to speculation by me as to how I really looked, and I could not wait to bike home and check. When I looked in the bathroom mirror I was shocked to discover I was a blonde girl, and not the dark-haired boy of my own world. I was also not generally very impressed with what I saw, and it was the beginning of a lot of anxiety I developed when people looked at me, which I can still only stand if I do not think about it. I got myself a duffel coat and corduroy trousers as part of my Aspergic uniform, and wore them all the time both winter and summer. It made me feel safe and hidden.
As part of my review of the book The Uncharted Path, I mentioned:
I had planned to go to the office, get my schedule, check it against the board, get the log-book, pick up my check, go cash it, go eat dinner. Typically, nowhere in that scenario did I picture there being any other person involved. So when people interrupt the stream of thought in my head, it exasperates me. I almost want to scream and cry.
My parents decided it was time for me to become more independent. That meant going away to college. This was traumatic to put it mildly. On the drive to the campus I had an out-of-body-experience, I was that terrified.
I had no choice but to learn to live in the world on my own. I dove into college life as if it were a course unto itself, a course I desperately needed to learn.
I resumed my delusion that if I just did what everyone else did, I would figure out the mysteries behind why they did it. So I joined clubs, committees, and even a sorority. I had to know how people thought, why they thought the way they did.
I had no idea what that meant in terms of what was expected of me. I earned several honors by the time I finished college for all the joining I did, and my social skills and independence definitely improved, but I was still clueless as to why I was doing all of this.
I had learned as a child that asking others for answers to what I did not understand was futile [all Normals are obsessed with maintaining the purposeful withholding of education]. I realize that not asking meant I was not getting the feedback I needed in order to learn.
I knew people thought things about me, because I would hear them talking about what they thought of others. It was not "polite", however, for them to say what they thought about you to you [they only maliciously gossip and lie about you behind your back]. I hated politeness, it meant denying me the honest answers I needed to learn about myself [I want everyone to have Pragmatic Language Disorder, without which I cannot understand what is going on].
I had one professor though, who, I think out of frustration, dared to break this social rule. He suddenly blurted out at me, "Why don't you ever look at people when you are talking to them?!" I was taken aback, because it had never occurred to me to do so, nor did I realize that I was not. I accepted his honest feedback, however, and set out to learn to give eye-contact.
"Philosophical beliefs stated in political terms" is a subject touched upon in this book. All I have to say in response is thet before I became fixated on Autism as a subject to write about, I was fixated on political theories and the cultures thet arise from them; specifically my zine on Ethics Philosophy. I also became famous for writing political poetry.
Every day I participated in whatever activities the staff had programmed. I learned (with greater difficulty than most) to braid a 4-strand lanyard. I helped write a little song for my group to sing. I went where I was told, did what I was told to do, never objected or fussed. As far as I remember it was only on the final night, inside the tent with the other Bluebirds, that I became aware of something odd. The other girls had become friends with one another. Alone, there, with no adult to direct us, they chatted and whispered and laughed and interacted with seamless ease. How did they know what to say? They were not talking about anything, and yet they talked constantly. My conversation was limited to specific subjects, not including anything as nebulous as girl-talk or small-talk. Moreover, they seemed to know each other in a way they did not know me - and I certainly did not know them. I had been with them as much as they had been with each other. I had done everything they had done (as far as I could tell). And yet I was a stranger there.
Like many AS children, I preferred to relate primarily to adults. With adults I could keep conversations substantive. Children are not expected to read adults to the same extent as is expected between children or between adults, so I was not constantly sabotaged by my inability to respond to signals I could not see.
This was not true of course if I was forced to interact with immature adults who were trying to fulfill their own emotional needs through relationships with children. I had some very unpleasant experiences with people who could not accept my assumption of intellectual and moral parity with them because their self-esteem depended on having children act out a subservient role.
This is classic, and thus the reason I repeatedly openly declare thet I am more intelligent and more mature than anyone else. In doing so, I am eliminating the immature who want a weaker and dumber companion to relieve them of their inability to admit their own unresolved emotional issues. "I am the Witch! Go ahead! Try to burn me!" is my general attitude toward the Normals.
My parents were the ultimate example of this problem. They never wanted to raise happy children to be better off than themselves. They only wanted groveling minions to play the role of helpless victim so the parents could thus feel relatively strong. I see this every day in bully parents who yell and bark commandments condescendingly at their "little dummy" kids. Or finger-waggling assholes who humiliate their kids in public as a way of over-compensating for their own fear thet others will recognize how weak and stupid they are. To them, all relationships are power-plays; especially between "adult" and their own children.
My disinterest in having a girlfriend while fantasizing about adopting a child represents my unresolved emotional issues. I want a child to love because as a child no one loved me. It is unconsciously my inner child I am loving in this fantasy. I always picture adopting a girl. I have never met her, but I am sure my multiple is female.
So I have always been readily able to shout-down cops, or my own boss if my ass was not being kissed well enough - Sinatra Syndrome keeping me oblivious to the concept of authority. I will not be playing the role in the power-play relationships all people but me engage in as compensation for their un-admitted emotional needs.
And as for not wanting a girlfriend: I cannot figure out what I would do with a girlfriend. This represents the fact there are no unresolved emotional needs in me that a girlfriend could fulfill or even compensate for.
This is the same reasoning I use pertaining to me not wanting friends. What are friends for?
I was happy to spend time under her direction, until I discovered she was cheating at Monopoly. This was incomprehensible to me. I was shocked and alarmed. Confused. And I did not want to be with her anymore.
This Aspergian sense of ethics is not even something thet is conscious to an Aspie. It just shocks us when we see someone cheat, because it would never occur to us to do so ourselves. It even comes as a shock when someone else does it to another person. As Clara Claiborne Park said in The Siege: "The inability to lie convincingly could pass as a diagnostic indicator of Autism."
And that brings me to another point: My detestation of competitive sport. I need to know if all Aspies hate sports. I assume we would at least be disinterested because we are usually so physically awkward we simply suck at sports. But, at least in my case, it is also the concept of competition thet is just so pointless and bewildering to me. I cannot grasp why anyone would compete in any way. Dumb jocks competing at a ball-game, and actually taking it seriously, and feeling angry and jealous if they lose, and elated and even gloating at winning ... I just do not get that.
Then we can take it a step further and mention "soccer hooligans", wherein if their team loses they leave the ball-park and smash hell out of everything in sight. Then even more absurd, if their team wins they leave the ball-park and smash hell out of everything in sight. All of this is apparently provoked by their sense of competition. I am totally lost as to where that comes from and who the hell these people are.
I have never in my life watched a ball-game on TV. I just do not understand why anyone would. See my review of Amelie, wherein she makes fun of a person who enjoys watching ball games on TV.
Pornography is another thing thet just leaves me a deer in headlights.
The 5th grade class was divided by a factor new to my educational experience. Half the kids were white, half were black. The 2 halves sat together in the same classroom, but they separated immediately and decisively at recess.
Although there could be no doubt about which half I belonged to by ethnicity, my white classmates shunned me as unanimously as I had come to expect from all my age peers.
The amazing thing was that the black girls took me under their collective wing. "Come on Jane. We do not want to play with those white girls." They did not even seem to hold it against me that I was lousy at kick-ball.
I had gotten along fine academically, but it all went to hell in 7th grade in a combination of too may teachers and my peers determination to let me know their opinion of a goody-two-shoes like me. It must have been especially provoking for them to encounter a "stuck-up know-it-all" who was socially so far behind. And the incident that finally caused them to turn on me decisively enough to break through my general lack of contact with them was my failure to react to gender cues.
I had never interacted with my classmates much. It had never bothered me (probably because it had never occurred to me) that I did not get to know my peers well enough to tell them apart to any marked degree.
My brain had zero capacity for picking up the kid slang around me, and I often had no idea what my peers were saying to one another. In my speech, I fit the AS "Little Professor" stereotype.
I spent the rest of my secondary education in a small private school for girls. Over the 5 years I was there, 2 of them became my friends. I emerged from it convinced that girls were really really dumb.
Not including me, of course. I was not like a girl. I did not understand how they could be interested in clothes, make-up, dances, dates, and boys. Whenever boys were around, the girls turned idiotic. Totally useless. Silly. Incomprehensible.
Jane's life story is printed here, and I would have to type out several more pages to do it justice. Lets just say thet my school years were pretty-much identical to Jane's.
She talks about school dances, where the girls spoke of nothing but the boys who were going to be there. Then when the dance actually came, the girls stayed on 1 side of the room, and the boys stayed on the other side. Jane was bewildered to the point of anger over their apparent lack of appreciation (for the fact she had managed almost all of the details necessary to put on the dance) for the fact the boys they were supposedly crazy for were standing right there while the girls did nothing. The point of the story is thet the nervous cluster of girls were sending amazing amounts of signals to the nervous cluster of boys who were receiving loud and clear. But being an Aspie, Jane was oblivious. She thought they were all wasting the evening "just standing there doing nothing!"
This was me totally. I always hated dances (unless I was in the band thet was playing - after which I would still throw up from the over-stimulation) for I had no clue what the hell was going on, when some random girl would "interact" with me in some bizarre way I never knew was flirtation. Especially when there were more than just a few people present, I was simply incapable of making eye-contact with anyone, for it was just too overwhelming to me.
I was aware thet most of the people present were there to "meet people" and I recognized thet the girls were showing-off in hopes some guy would chooze them, but I never understood how one was supposed to do the choozing - not to mention what I was supposed to do with her once I chose her. The boys were usually so terrified of rejection thet they never did any choozing anyway. I knew I was not part of "the game", so I never tried. It was always just so painful to me to watch all these clueless Retards in desperate loneliness and sexual frustration fail so miserably at playing the game they invented (and I was not able to play). I could see their failure, even though I had no way of figuring out the rules of the game. They knew the rules, and still were hopeless! I just hated watching it so much. My interaction with them was through me being in the band.
Jane also talks about how the school tried to make her write the word "pretty" but since it was a social construct (she could not understand) thet she as a female (she did not identify as) was supposed to aspire to (for what reason? she could not tell), she refused to write the word.
I remember around the age of 8 - 9 (while I was inventing gibberish words thet had my own emotional definitions) having words like that thet bothered me so much thet I would feel a hot anxiety at the mention of them.
The classic children's story book Ferdinand the Bull had a description of the day of the bull-fight wherein all the citizens dressed up spiffy for the fiesta event. One line said "All the lovely ladies had flowers in their hair", and it made me really uncomfortable because the picture thet went with it was of an especially good looking Spanish lady "all dolled up", which actually put me in a state of anxiety, thus I could not say the word "lovely". I hated (because I was so confused by) gender-roles, and thus anyone really trying to "be pretty" made me very uncomfortable.
Today that strikes me as very strange, because at the same time I had the attitude thet there were men's instruments and women's instruments; if a man played a piano (to me a woman's instrument) it made me so very uncomfortable.
Her assumptions about me were so often wrong. She seemed to expect me to react to people and relationships out of some standardized list of cause and effect, if this/then that, a list that had no point of correlation with the way I actually functioned.
This is so painfully obvious to me, thet all people (but me) interact by taking their cues from the standardized list all of them carry but I have never seen. None of it makes any sense. They never actually interact with each other, they only interact with the game of "if this/then that" which apparently gives them a sense of camaraderie I cannot understand the purpose of.
One man did try to make me his girlfriend. I was happy with him, and had no objections to having sex with him because he was good-natured and had a car. Before long he became perplexed by my passivity (social, emotional, sexual) and, being a kind person, was relieved to find me unfazed by his decision to switch partners.
I truly wished them well, and felt only relief at no longer having to improvise (badly) the role of this nice young man's girl.
Note thet she did not say she was his girlfriend nor was he her boyfriend. She said One man did try to make me his girlfriend.
She also felt no possessiveness, thus she did not perceive it as "He left me for another woman." Instead she says: find me unfazed by his decision to switch partners. Since to an Aspie all people are vague, she saw it as a mere switching of interchangeable faceless people. As she said above: I had never interacted with my classmates much. It had never bothered me (probably because it had never occurred to me) that I did not get to know my peers well enough to tell them apart to any marked degree.
1 of the biggest morons I ever knew was my second love, Kim. She was emotionally 3 years old, a sociopath, a religious hypocrite, and had a sadistic practical-joke "sense of humor". Her definition of love was jealousy. She kept talking to other guys in front of me in her attempt to provoke me into a jealous rage and beat up the guy thus proving I loved her.
She never did anything to even hint thet she liked me at all; i.e., no ability to express love herself (she was an energy-sucker). This abusive emotional manipulation was repulsive to me. I hated her, partly due to the fact I had no idea what a girlfriend was for, and she obviously was not capable of showing me.
It would make her so angry thet she (the manipulative whore) was not capable of pushing my buttons. As an Aspie, I simply did not have any buttons! I was a deer in headlights wondering why she was always such a creep for no reason.
The other guy, a superficial macho jerk I could not possibly feel jealous of even if I was a jealous type, thought I was part of Kim's sick game, and was very uncomfortable with the (in his head) "possibility" thet I would actually try to beat him up.
I was so exasperated with this total BS, thet I went to his house to sit down with him and explain thet I could not care less about Kim, and thet I was not part of her abusive game-playing crap.
The only relationship she was capable of having was with the standardized list of "if I do this, you should do that." What a moron.
Anyway, this, and 6 other brainless females I fell in love with because I was desperate and they were there, beat into me the realization thet I have no clue what a girlfriend is for anyway.
I always had this romantic notion thet falling in love with my best friend would be a good idea. Today I still do not know where I got such an opinion, or what I would have done with any of them if they had actually loved me back.
At the age of 27 I gave up on them. Today I am 49 and literally do not give a fuck.
So why did living with him make me fall apart? Because I could not stand the strain of trying to be normal every day. Now this is not a very highly normal standard of normal we are talking about. Frank did not expect me to act like a wife (shopping, cooking, cleaning). He assumed equality in the relationship, and was happy with the laid-back lifestyle of sub-adult Lefties determined not to become clones of the consumerist middle class. He never once criticized the way I looked or behaved. It was not what he did or said thet was a problem for me. It was that he was there.
The classic comment is thet "Living with an Aspie is like living alone." And if you try to make them be present, you provoke the other classic trait of "Asperger with the accent on the ass".
I know I could not love someone who was not intense. I can love another person only if I get a sense that there is someone in there. Only then can I share the something in me.
The 5th time I watched the movie Temple Grandin I finally heard all the words. The scene where Temple goes to visit (read: vent to) Dr Carlock about how she could re-design slaughter-houses, and she barges into his house late at night ranting about how the idiots changed her design thus accidentally killing 3 cows. She comes into his house, and he says, "What are you doing in California? Did you drive all night?" He said this with his back to the camera, thus, because I could not read his lips, I had not heard it at all until I saw the movie for the 5th time!
For me to get a sense thet there is someone in there, they must exaggerate theatrically (like a drama-queen Leo with a Mexican temper, or wildly gesticulating Russians). See this presentation by Meytal Cohen. Google "Maximum Meytal." She has exagerated facial features and her whole face twitches constantly. I have no clue what any of it means, but I love watching this because in order for my visual processor to "see" anything it has to be this exaggerated. She is like a cartoon character.
I hated using contractions. I wanted to say "do not" instead of "don't", and "cannot" instead of "can't".
You may have noticed in my writing thet I never use contractions.
She said I am the most loyal friend she has ever had. She went through a divorce a few years ago, and all her friends abandoned her. She thought she had lots of friends, people she had known for years, who just disappeared when being around her became a downer for them. When the dust cleared, this social misfit was the only one left.
Watching this whole saga with her has made me think. Why was I trying so hard to make friends? If most people are the kind of friends that she had, then I have not missed much by not having any.
This is my life exactly. I have always been everyone's therapist, but none of them were ever willing to be my friend in return.
The parents who hosted the meeting had a little girl who was only beginning to speak. At some point in the meeting, the girl appeared, hugging her rag-doll. She came up to one of the women who sat around the table, looked at her, and handed her the doll. The woman somehow understood that she was expected to relate to the doll, and so she took the doll and hugged it. Then she gave the doll back to the toddler.
I was amazed by how easily and naturally this whole event went for the woman and the girl; how this little girl, at such a young age, already knew so much about human relationships and about being female.
I was relieved she had not come up to me. I would not have known what to do with the doll.
The boy was much younger than I, but he seemed to expect me to play with him. So I just did my best at following whatever he was doing, or whatever he asked me to do. All of this time thinking, "Why am I doing this?", and wishing it to end as soon as possible. But I was also kind of pleased that I was a good person who unselfishly did the right thing.
Going through the motions "because it is the thing to do", but having no clue why these are the motions, is so typical for Aspies - and sometimes bewilders me almost to tears.
I sensed that I was different from the others, and that I perceived the world differently. I had my own made-up words for everything, and experienced everything through those words. Even at 5, I knew the other kids did not have their own language to the extent I did. I also knew I could not play games, or move as well as the other kids.
I screamed and struggled, but to no avail, as he was very strong. When I realized that rape was inevitable, I shifted my goal to simply staying alive. Thus it was with a sense of relief rather than trauma that I survived this incident. Finally, a shot of penicillin in case of STDs, and that was the end of that.
On the other hand, a type of incident high up on my stress list involves the difficulties of communicating with co-workers. I am still helpless as ever dealing with this sort of thing.
Unable to bear the burden and the uncertainty and embarrassment any longer, I would suddenly burst into tears. The final proof that I am such a poor coper, to get so upset over something so tiny!
That kind of incident is like a rape of my whole person, my whole way of being. And it is repeated over and over again, year after year, place after place. Now do you see why that is so much more traumatic than the incident of physical rape?
As I have said many times thus far, the reason I escaped relatively unscathed from the abuse thet drove my Normal siblings to mental illness is thet I was rarely interacting with humans. I only interacted with (my own made-up) words. Bullies pounding me or crushing my testicles on the playground before the gloating "teachers" was easy for me to dissociate from, thus I really hardly felt it physically (for you to hurt me I would have to acknowledge your existence (snicker)). But having to interact with, or in this case merely tolerate, people in "the office scenario" drives me to a rage thet lasts for hours.
The scene in the movie Temple Grandin wherein she has to interact with people at a Christmas party, after which she has a total melt-down, is me - not to the extent it effected her, but the same basic thing.
I can get in a car-crash, and all the Normals are freaking out and screaming and crying, or in a state of rage because their stupid worthless material possession got damaged, and I am Mr Cool. I am not interested in car-crashes, thus even if I cause 1 myself, I do not feel much about it. You can rape me, and after the physical pain has passed it is forgotten (because I would have to acknowledge your existence for it to affect me). But if you use language wrong (or lie) I am mad about it forever!
One of the things I enjoy about Autistics is that they follow their own agendas a lot. I find it more relaxing, as they are not looking for a lot of reflection of themselves in the person they are interacting with; i.e., Little Professors giving a lecture while oblivious to whether you are hearing it or not.
I told my co-workers thet I would rather read a book than talk to people, because I am really smart but socially awkward. They understood, and next time they wanted to talk with me, they asked me specific questions and then stayed quiet while I took my time to answer them for 5 minutes.
I think Neurotypical people not only read and respond to each others' signals in a way we Autistics cannot, I think NT signaling actually affects changes in other NTs. NTs adjust to each other in subtle ways by the way they interact.
When a whole bunch of them start bombarding one person with "you are famous" signals, that person is changed in ways that satisfy something in the mass of NTs.
The trouble for us, when we inadvertently acquire fame, is that we lack the NT mechanisms that would cause us to make that automatic adjustment when we are bombarded with non-verbal "you are famous" signals. We remain the way we are, which is confusing to the NTs and may cause them to bombard even harder, subconsciously looking for the expected reaction from us.
I see this in Aspie Gary Numan who was accused of allowing fame to go to his head and becoming arrogant to the extent thet he thought he was too good to interact with "the little people". The facts were he was simply an Asperger who was so socially clueless he did not know how to interact at all.
I was also exactly like this when I was relatively famous in the music business. (Male) fans would tell me how much they enjoyed my performance, and then stand there beaming "you are famous" at me, to which they expected me to give them a set response. But I just told them I was glad they enjoyed it, and then just stood there feeling bewildered. They always walked away looking irritated, for I never understood what it was they were expecting me to do.
I cannot imagine how I would react if I ever got famous enough to actually acquire groupies. The most I ever acquired were 2, at 1 show. They came and stood right against my drum set while I was playing, talking loudly to each other about their sex lives, hoping I would choose 1 of them.
Groups of girls wanting some guy to choose 1 of them was always so bewildering to me. I do not understand how the Normals can do something as intimate as intercourse with a stranger when there is no emotional intimacy at all.
Even though I was a professional musician, I was utterly incapable of playing the Rock Star role; in fact I would always play with my glasses off so I could not see the audience at all, otherwise it was so over-stimulating thet I would throw up after the show as a Stim.
And the male fans want me to "be famous", and the females want me to fuck them, and I am a deer in headlights.
This book also has several poems interjected through-out.
It ends with a list of definitions of un-common words and terms used in this book. 1 of which is Social Delusion.
Social Delusion: Clinically significantly impairing to NTs in view of its pathology, specifically NT hyper-focus on social information to the exclusion of facts, reason, and any direct experience other than social; and the conviction arising from this social imbalance that other's assertions can be known without being uttered.
This of course is a sarcastic remark about the Normals. "They must be deluded because they think they can communicate without using words." Bwaa haa haa haa! Those silly Normals!
All around a very good book, specifically because it includes contributions from 19 different Aspie women.
1 of the things I hated the most about the Adult Asperger Association in Tucson is thet I desperately wanted to tell them what my 5 worst symptoms are, and have them all tell me what their 5 worst symptoms are, then share our 5 best symptoms, thus giving me a reference-point on what it is like for someone other than me to have AS. But they refused to do so. They did not want to hear me, and did not want me to hear them - partly due to the fact they did not even know what their own symptoms were!
This is the first book thet gave me a real feel for what it is like for other Aspies to have AS. I at last feel a camaraderie and understanding.
I want to read many more books like this, written by "self-narrating zoo exhibits", thus giving the readers true understanding.
Highly recommended. Definitely on my Top-3 list.
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17 Tips To Master Communication With Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome
by Andrew Bushard
This E-book is a brief booklet which presents some ideas thet can be used by Autistics in learning better communication skills. It presents 17 basic ideas, then directs you to lists of several books on the subject for further reading.
All of these are good ideas, and I can see how they can be helpful to anyone, on the Spectrum or not, in learning better communication skills.
These tips include:
- Learn Sales Skills. He gives a brief explanation of how these skills helped him, then directs us to a list of 12 books on the subject.
- Learn Persuasion Skills. Includes a brief explanation of how these skills helped him, then directs us to a list of 4 books on the subject.
- Learn Grammar. With his explanation and a list of 6 books.
- Learn Vocal Skills. Basically how to be a voice actor; i.e., using the appropriate tone and inflection depending on what is being said and who you are saying it to. Includes his recommendation of 1 book.
- Learn Graphic Design Skills. With explanation and a list of 4 books.
- Learn Communication Styles Skills. With his explanation and a list of 6 books.
- Learn Graphology Skills. Graphology being Handwriting Analysis. With his explanation of how learning this helped him, and a list of 5 books.
- Learn Typography Skills. Typography being the choice of fonts used in printing, and how using a specific font can express a lot in it’s self; good or bad. Includes a list of 4 books.
- Learn Body Language Skills. Being able to read another person’s emotions by how they hold their body and what gestures they use. Includes a list of 3 books.
- Learn Advertising Skills. (This is different from the above Sales Skills). How to sell a product, thus sell your self. With his explanation and a list of 7 books.
- Learn Positivity Skills; i.e., how to be a motivational speaker, or at least talk in a way thet inspires people … as opposed to whining or bragging. He recommends 1 book.
- Learn Color Skills; i.e., recognizing thet some colors turn people off while others turn them on. With his explanation and a list of 3 books.
- Learn Public Speaking Skills. Specifically, join Toastmasters. With his explanation and 1 recommended book.
- Learn Gender Communication Skills; i.e., how men and women communicate differently. With his explanation and a list of 4 books.
- Learn Rational Emotive Behavior Skills; i.e., how to express your feelings as requests rather than demands. With his explanation and a list of 4 books.
- Learn General Semantics Skills. Basically an elaboration on Emotive Behavior Skills, here we learn to state things as opinion rather than fact; leading your listener to what you believe, rather than telling them what to believe. Includes a list of 4 books.
- Learn Neurolinguistic Programming Skills; i.e., how to recognize a person’s manner, and mirroring it to make them feel comfortable. Includes a list of 4 books.
A very small booklet, this directs us to a wealth of information, all of which sounds good to me.
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by Andrew Bushard
This E-book is a brief booklet which presents some ideas thet can be used by Autistics in learning better communication skills. It presents 17 basic ideas, then directs you to lists of several books on the subject for further reading.
All of these are good ideas, and I can see how they can be helpful to anyone, on the Spectrum or not, in learning better communication skills.
These tips include:
- Learn Sales Skills. He gives a brief explanation of how these skills helped him, then directs us to a list of 12 books on the subject.
- Learn Persuasion Skills. Includes a brief explanation of how these skills helped him, then directs us to a list of 4 books on the subject.
- Learn Grammar. With his explanation and a list of 6 books.
- Learn Vocal Skills. Basically how to be a voice actor; i.e., using the appropriate tone and inflection depending on what is being said and who you are saying it to. Includes his recommendation of 1 book.
- Learn Graphic Design Skills. With explanation and a list of 4 books.
- Learn Communication Styles Skills. With his explanation and a list of 6 books.
- Learn Graphology Skills. Graphology being Handwriting Analysis. With his explanation of how learning this helped him, and a list of 5 books.
- Learn Typography Skills. Typography being the choice of fonts used in printing, and how using a specific font can express a lot in it’s self; good or bad. Includes a list of 4 books.
- Learn Body Language Skills. Being able to read another person’s emotions by how they hold their body and what gestures they use. Includes a list of 3 books.
- Learn Advertising Skills. (This is different from the above Sales Skills). How to sell a product, thus sell your self. With his explanation and a list of 7 books.
- Learn Positivity Skills; i.e., how to be a motivational speaker, or at least talk in a way thet inspires people … as opposed to whining or bragging. He recommends 1 book.
- Learn Color Skills; i.e., recognizing thet some colors turn people off while others turn them on. With his explanation and a list of 3 books.
- Learn Public Speaking Skills. Specifically, join Toastmasters. With his explanation and 1 recommended book.
- Learn Gender Communication Skills; i.e., how men and women communicate differently. With his explanation and a list of 4 books.
- Learn Rational Emotive Behavior Skills; i.e., how to express your feelings as requests rather than demands. With his explanation and a list of 4 books.
- Learn General Semantics Skills. Basically an elaboration on Emotive Behavior Skills, here we learn to state things as opinion rather than fact; leading your listener to what you believe, rather than telling them what to believe. Includes a list of 4 books.
- Learn Neurolinguistic Programming Skills; i.e., how to recognize a person’s manner, and mirroring it to make them feel comfortable. Includes a list of 4 books.
A very small booklet, this directs us to a wealth of information, all of which sounds good to me.
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